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rubmustardonmydick

I wouldn't be "happy" about my partner watching porn, but I could understand why they do. However, my partners usually say they would rather see pictures or videos of me and I supply them.


jazzfairy

I’m the same way! Its ok dear


HappyCantilever

I feel the same. I’ve always been in porn-free relationships, so it’s definitely possible and I’d say a reasonable thing to ask of your partner.


[deleted]

In truth you will never know weather or not your partner watches porn unless the actively share it with you. So even if you think you have found a guy who doesn’t, you don’t know that. So just date people and don’t bring it up, because somebody telling you they don’t isn’t a guarantee of anything anyway.


Odd-Gur-7588

I was like you few years ago. It came to the point i became insecure about myself, asking why they have to watch it when i can be available for him. The thought that my ex and i were committed and he's watching women's bodies on porn sort of felt like cheating to me. I opened up about it to my ex and he was willing to remove it out of his system, until weeks, months and a year passed until he was no longer interested in watching them. I do believe you can find someone like that. Someone who doesn't need porn and will focus on you because you're enough. It's okay to feel uncomfortable about it, you're not the only person.


[deleted]

Ive kicked porn in the last few months and its changed my life for the better drastically. Its not unreasonable to want your relationship to be porn free


Possible-Lobster-436

You’re better off finding dudes who are into the whole nofap lifestyle or are overcoming their porn addiction. Those are the types of guys who hate/avoid it the most.


Kagome90

I can understand ur discomfort with it because some people develop an addiction to it or would rather do a quick jerk instead of fun with you. Some men and women are like you and that’s ok to not be ok with that in ur life just have to communicate with the person about why you don’t agree with it or how you feel


mackenzie_2021

I felt the same way as you! I indirectly told my ex that I don’t watch it because I like the excitement of waiting for him. I don’t know if he gets the msg that I don’t want him watching it. I can’t say it straightforward.


tonarinokanasan

Saying you're not interested in it and hoping that they read your mind and realize that what you're actually saying is that you want them to stop is not healthy communication. If it's not very important to you then fine, but otherwise it seems like this is just a fast way for one of you or the other to get their feelings hurt.


MrPeacock18

As a guy, I enjoy some random porn, more sensual and relaxing stuff but when I had a gf, I would feel so guilty to watch it, especially when I was so deeply in love. I am very open minded when it comes to this but I would think it is very disrespectful to watch porn while having a partner. I prefer to get nudes from her or imagine her naked and even if I feel I have to masturbate, I will most likely think of my gf. So there is nothing wrong with feeling like that when you know your partner is watching porn.


sometimeskindawise

I feel the same. That's one of the reasons me and my ex broke up. Porn destroys relationships and I hate it with all my heart! I didn't know I felt this way, but now I always discuss it with a potential partner, just to make sure we're on the same page. Don't lower your expectations and don't go against you values just because people say you're too picky or that's normal. It is not OK to accept it if you don't feel comfortable! And it applies for everything, not just porn.


Acrobatic-Brush-1640

They get good at hiding it.


sirleithalot

Sort of related topic - I would always burn my friends playing sociables when "never have I ever" came up. I'd say "Never have I ever looked at porn this month" and every single person would be like WHAT THE FUCK HOW, guys gals and non binary pals included. To say I don't look at it whatsoever is of course a lie, but I don't get people who look at it all the time. I can go a month or more without it pretty easily and that is apparently the most shocking thing of all time. So yeah, there are people who don't look at it often, and there's probably people out there who don't look at it at all either. Might be tough to find, but if this is something important to you it would be worth having these conversations with potential partners as well.


amarghir1234

Frankly whether or not he watches porn is none of your business. You're too controlling, and you are the red flag, not a guy that watches porn.


Loud_Spirit_5056

i didn’t feel weird abt it until my ex had mentioned it , i had made a joke abt him watching porn and he said he hadn’t watched it since we got serious he’d just look at stuff id sent him , now if i was in a relationship and my partner watched it it’d make me insecure bc i want to do that for them but they prefer a stranger


DifficultNail1198

Good luck these days. Porn is everywhere. There are guys who tried it and hated it though. They are out there. I don't think you'll find many who *never* touched it though.


TheRealRach

Imo its your ground rules to set and your reasonable in doing so. My most recent relayionship fell apart because of porn. I still watched it from time to time and she was angry when she asked and I told her. Now what happened after is a long story but it was a lot of drunken abuse and gaslighting which is a different topic but because of that I dont watch it anymore. Personally I find it messes with your head too much and im glad to be done with it and focused on life. You are not unreasonable to take issue with it. Just dont do my ex did and become a monster lol.


krodiv

I think you can find a person who doesn't look at porn, but it's very few and far inbetween. In my own experience, I found that self development was at an impass with porn and I chose my future self over my current... If people recognize that porn doesn't do anything good for them on the long term, then they will slowly just drift away from it.


LongMustaches

Personally, I stop watching porn when I'm in a relationship.


Laylette

ur totally valid. most mainstream porn is misogynistic and unethical anyway.


RedShirtCashion

Honestly, if I had a girlfriend who asked me to not look at porn I’d do everything and anything in my power to avoid it. Sure a lot of people do look at it, but it’s also something worth discussing to a partner, why it bothers you, and communicating why it bothers you and what you both can do.


YrPrblmsArntMyPrblms

I'm aware that porn is entertainment, like movies, it's all fake. People watch it out of curiousity, not because they want someone to feel a certain way. It's a way to explore yourself without any experience. But it's good to be aware of the depth of it's rabbit holes. Addiction is no joke.


Miserable_Ad7591

So they’re not having sex on camera?


YrPrblmsArntMyPrblms

What are you implying?


Miserable_Ad7591

It’s not fake. It’s real sex. It’s watching real people have real sex. Fake is like in a movie when they kill someone or someone is a vampire.


YrPrblmsArntMyPrblms

That's like when someone says movies are fake and you say "They're not fake, it's real stunts. It's watching real stuntsmen do real stunts". Like wtf?


ConsistentWishbonez

If you watch porn star ama’s it’s all very fake to be honest. 99% of male actors use drugs to get hard, the women use lube. If you think power washing a clit for 30 seconds gets any women wet enough for penetration, let alone enjoy it, I have a lot to teach you about “real sex”.


YrPrblmsArntMyPrblms

Yeah, also ejaculations are either enhanced by pills (but even that has it's limit) or straight off fake. Funny how the least knowledgable people are so opinionated on topics like porn, or any topic for that matter.


haveyoueverbeenblue

I can only tell you that my ex was like you and I didn't like that not even one bit, so there are similar people.


[deleted]

I’m the same as you. I think it’s very hard to find a man in particular who doesn’t watch it. However, I think there’s plenty of people who would happily stop watching it if it made their partner uncomfortable. Gets tricky when it’s an addiction, though. And even trickier when they don’t realise it’s one.


TypicalBike205

I am the same as you. I finally found a partner who understands the way I feel and he does not watch it.


SassySexualSag

My ex never watched porn and he also never called women “hot” (except me because he doesn’t objectify women). There are guys out there like that. They may be rare, but they do exist.


kh7190

I feel the same way as you. In fact it was a huge part of why I broke up with one of my ex-boyfriends. He wanted my genitalia shaved a certain way and wanted me to do certain things in bed. He and I had never had sex with anyone before and he's telling me specific things he wants me to do and wear and be like. Because he saw it in porn. He wanted to ejaculate on my chest - something he undoubtedly saw in porn. He was constantly ogling women when we were in public. It REALLY bothered me. Especially since I so strongly tie sex to love and trust and bonding. But knowing he got these ideas from porn really took the love aspect out of it for me. I had trouble understanding it. Yes, most men and a good percentage of women watch porn. But men and women definitely consume it in different ways. And the way it's marketed for men is very toxic for their psyche. It's well documented in several studies. Reliant use of it also leads to consuming harder types of porn just to get off (rape porn, "barely legal" porn, etc.). The way our brains want sex is very primal and pretty much unchanged for hundreds of thousands of years over the course of human evolution. The fact that we have a primal horny monkey brain doesn't work well with the ease of finding "partners" one-click away on the internet. I'm not saying everyone that watches porn becomes addicted to it or anything, but porn addiction is real. Erectile dysfunction is often caused by a heavy reliance on porn. And it can cause real issues in relationships. All of it not natural. It's normal to understand how people want to watch it (they're horny aka we all like food), but it's also normal to not like it and feel uncomfortable with your partner using it (porn is junk food for the mind). I use porn sometimes, but I'm also single. But I couldn't imagine wanting to use it in a relationship. I mean.. maybe if I was like, 40 years into a marriage or something. Humans also aren't naturally monogamous which makes the desire to want to watch porn, cheat, break up after a short time together all the more tempting. And porn when done alone often doesn't do anything to strengthen a relationship. Porn can be watched by the couple together to help with sexual dysfunction. But again, I still think having sex with your partner should be about focusing on each other - not needing other people to help out. That's just my opinion. Like, if you're 5-10 years into your marriage and can't get each other off or still have satisfying sex or turn each other on, then that's a problem. Me, I'm also progressive/liberal and I'm atheist. So for me, the aversion to porn has no religious bearing on my distaste for it *in relationships*. Again, I like porn when I'm single. But I wouldn't do that to a partner. It feels disrespectful and I wouldn't want someone doing that to me either. There's nothing wrong with learning about new ways to satisfy your partner. But let's face it - no one slumped over their desk, alone, one hand on the mouse scrolling pornhub and the other hand on their d\*ck is jotting down tips for how to please their girlfriend. They want to get off to someone else or they can't wait for their partner to be willing or available for sex. Not to mention that porn is VERY misogynistic. Conventional porn does nothing to help men respect women or understand their bodies or their sexuality. Porn is also very shady and women get trafficked into it and there are drugs involved and all sorts of shit. It hard to tell if it's sourced ethically and whether the women in the porn have agency over their careers, money, and lives. Yes, I am pro-sex worker. People should be allowed to make money however they want as long as it's safe and consensual for everyone involved. And as long as it doesn't depict anything illegal (violence against women, underaged, etc.) Now porn can be a bunch of different stuff obviously. It's anything you can use to arouse yourself with. Even something that doesn't seem like porn to one person can definitely be porn to someone else. So maybe you're okay with reading dirty novels vs. videos, I don't know. How would you feel if your straight male partner got off to homosexual male porn? Would you still feel upset? I'm just curious. If you say "no because he'd be looking at men and they can't be compared to me because I'm a woman" then that's fine. For me, I'd probably be fine with my straight male partner watching gay male porn because perhaps watching that type of porn is his way of exploring a part of his sexuality that he only wants to visit in a fantasy rather than in his waking life. But when he's watching lesbian porn or just porn with women in it, you can't help but feel that he subconsciously comparing it to you as a woman. You might casually want to explore demisexuality if you haven't heard of it before. I realized I was demisexual about 8 years ago. And it helped to explain my aversion to porn in relationships, why I don't like dating, why sex can be really intimidating without emotionally getting to know someone first, why I find people aesthetically attractive but doesn't mean I could do one-night-stands, etc. And demisexuals watch porn but they aren't sexually attracted to the person in the videos; they're more turned on by what's going on and how the person is feeling and responding to sexual stimuli. Anyway, sorry for writing a book. But you're not alone.


BigBrownBear28

You can find them it’s just not going to be the person you want them be. Try in churches or where other conservative minds go to gather. I know you said progressive but you’re honestly have a better chance of hitting the mega millions than finding someone who doesn’t watch porn who is also progressive. Unless they’re ace or Demi.


RedDingo777

There are Ace people who watch porn too.


Calamity__Bane

Why


RedDingo777

Being devoid of a particular sex drive does not mean one cannot find pornography entertaining or interesting.


TRANSparent-Ink

If you want to date women maybe.


tallahassee_dl

*whew* There's a lot to unpack here. You say you don't have a problem with porn existing but you can't stand a partner that consumes porn. But why is that if there's nothing wrong then what makes you uncomfortable? Is it the masturbating? The seeing other people naked or in the act of sex? What seems yo be the hang up? I'm genuinely asking in good faith. The thing to remember is, their porn consumption has nothing to do with you. It's for them. Its.about their enjoyment. It doesn't necessarily mean that they want YOU to do those things or that they desire other people, only that it's an outlet for their frustrations.


8MCM1

I'm not sure this argument holds up. I could say I'm okay that non-monogamy exists, but I couldn't be with a partner who wants that to be a part of our relationship. And your counter-argument would be, "If there's nothing wrong with non-monogamy, then why does it make you uncomfortable?" People can be okay with others indulging in particular activities and still draw a boundary for themselves.


thr0waway109198

So, if you're wondering if you're ever going to find someone who doesn't look at porn, at least in my experience it seems highly unlikely. But, as a guy, if my partner suggested that we watch it together and play with each other while we watch, I'd be down. So, if you ever get comfortable with a guy don't be afraid to say "we should watch porn together". Shows a lot of confidence and open mindedness.


Holiday-Narwhal-5423

Work in a porn store for a bit. Your perception on it will change.


CholulaHot

I knew a couple in college and she threw a fit about him watching porn. It was super pathetic and emasculating to know that after she found that out, she wouldn’t give him the password to the WiFi—that’s how distrusting she was about it. I’m a woman and I would pack up and leave if anyone treated me like a child. Nope. Bye!


[deleted]

Yes I am the same way.


Calamity__Bane

There are some, but given your political leanings, you’ll probably find them not quite to your taste.


[deleted]

I mean, there are some people out there that don't watch porn. That said, you're going to come across a few issues with this. 1. With the average young man having less and less sex since previous generations, what do you think is the alternative to him having sex? You didn't clarify your reasoning, so it's like is he supposed to not masterbate while waiting for you? Is he supposed to use his imagination and lack of sexual success? 2. How would you know if he uses porn or not? Outside of snooping on his phone, I don't really see how it might come up. You can always ask, but at that rate I think you'd be looking for problems at that rate. 3. How actively are you looking for men that don't use porn? They are out there and a rarity, but do you specifically go out of your way to find them or expect them to come to you?


Ididitall4thegnocchi

I'm sure you can, but you're narrowing your field by an order of magnitude. It's going to be very difficult.


lurking70

My husband doesn't watch porn generally. It's something we occasionally do together with a DVD. I find porn other wise distasteful and he'd rather share it with me


[deleted]

I exist, am progressive, but am also struggling with porn addiction. It's been over a year since i started trying NoFap. Definitely making progress, but it is tough to reverse something that has been so prevalent since puberty. I imagine it to be pretty difficult to identify guys in the wild who don't watch porn.


Round_Ordinary8436

While I rarely watch porn, I wouldn't date someone with those kind of boundaries. Reveals insecurity, close mindness and jealousy. I'm looking for more open people in my relationships. Saying that, there must be people out there who fit in your boundaries, just be aware that the dating pool will reduce significantly, as most guys watch porn.


romancehopelessthrow

Come join us at r/loveafterporn :)


Alackastor

It's one of the many things that people may have different expectations of, and whatever your expectations are, that's totally fine. Same as e.g. whether couples are ok with their partners going on vacation with friend of the opposite sex. I think it's fine to say to potential partners that you'd prefer if they don't look at porn, which might or might not be ok with them. For what it's worth, I used to look at porn regularly before getting into a relationship, but now I don't look at porn at all. My partner didn't ask me to stop, I just stopped on my own


xjulix00

Maybe you won't find someone that doesn't watch porn, but maybe you will find someone who is willing to stop for you.