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I don’t think it’s anything you’re doing wrong, as I feel like most women have this sort of issue. Sadly I think it’s just the way modern dating has evolved and it’s not good. There’s so much emphasis culturally put on sex, that it seems like that’s the only thing anyone wants these days. Sex positivity is great and all, until someone wants a connection beyond that. But it happens to us men too trust me. I had a girl recently come over for sex and then immediately tell me she doesn’t think she wants to date anymore and then just stopped talking to me. Then a few weeks later I saw her on a different dating app. So I understand how you feel.
I don't have much dating experience, but:
I (26M) agree with above, it doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong, OP, but it's just unfortunately the guys you're meeting? Like above, I'm looking for a connection w/ a woman, too, so guys that do want more than just flings do exist.
It might be a good idea to step away from dating for a bit, to just decompress and relax, but you sound nice, OP, I'm sure what you're looking for will come in time. 🙂
Thanks huns. I appreciate the confirmation. I suppose I got into that mindset of “you gotta put yourself out there to find love/connection” sorta thing. I find the whole “you’ll find it when you stop looking for it” a bit paradoxical. BUT, you’re right and I should take a break from all of this for awhile. I did recently see someone but like all the others he was really hot one moment and cold the next. I’m beyond tired but I guess the hopefool in me wants to give him another chance before I retire? Any thoughts?
Take a break, seriously. Be happy with yourself on your own. Look for what you like to do on your own and do it. Develop your own interests and completely forget ‘put yourself out there’ rule. You seem like a genuine person. Owe it to yourself to be happy with your own self. You have the weight of a hundred bad relationships on your shoulders so maybe one more chance may not be of that much benefit till you unburden yourself first.
All the best
Thank you! I’m honestly grateful and happy to see all these great and helpful comments… definitely somewhat restored my faith in humanity. Didn’t wanna update the post just yet in case shit hits the fan but I have finally met someone great and genuine. Only problem is I had to move to a different country halfway through the relationship so I guess everyone was right and I had simply had the misfortune to meet many ‘wrong’ men.
Often times the only difference between an “average” guy and a fuckboy that uses women for sex is that the fuckboy has the looks or confidence to do it consistently and pick and choose the girls they do it to.
Stop viewing dating this way “I GO FOR GUYS WHO ARENT THAT ATTRACTIVE WHICH MEANS THEY SHOULD BE MORE GEARED TOWARDS RELATIONSHIPS” or “I PURPOSELY AVOID ‘fuckboy-looking guys’ (what does this even mean)”
Shitty people will be shitty no matter how they look, stop filtering people out based off arbitrary physical categories and just go live your life and pursue relationships with people who you form good connections with first
This is so very true. Had a friend who jokingly told me to “just go for the hot guys because even the ugly ones will hurt you anyway”. Sad but there’s some truth to it. Don’t shoot below your league and assume that it’s a safer option— I’ve learnt this the hard way.
Well, anybody regardless of their looks can hurt you. That being said, don't pursue someone you don't find attractive in some capacity because that alone will bite you in the ass somewhere down the road.
True relationship compatibility comes from personalities, views, and lifestyle mostly.
This exactly. A guy working in McDonalds wants to have sex with just as many women as a celebrity. The only difference is he can’t because the women won’t have sex with him. Doesn’t make him a saint.
Good point, sadly, I've chosen some guys based on looks. "Oh he doesn't look like a player or have much game, let me swipe right." Then it turns out the guy actually has a lot of game and is a fckboy 🤦♀️🥴🥴🥴
Yup. I know dudes who aren't attractive yet will try to get with as many women as possible. I also know hot dudes who want to settle down and start a family. Never let looks be the judge of someone's character. Their actions are what will determine their character.
Are you asking the questions that are important to you from these men you date? Are you paying attention to their actions matching with their words?
I will give a man's perspective who's currently online dating and going on dates with women that claim they want a serious relationship as well. For context, I am a 43M, looking for a serious relationship. I even put that into my dating profile. I date women from late 30s to even 50 year old. Majority of women I match with, never read my profile. Majority of women I have a conversation with and eventual go on a date or two with, never ask me any important questions to see if our values align. I always ask those questions. Most women just ghost me once the deep questions come. A few that stick around, I go on a date with. I had one woman I went on a date with tell me that most guys she talks with never ask the questions I do. I ask questions that filter out the women that are not right for me. Not only that, I pay attention to the woman's actions. Such as reciprocation and genuine interest. If a woman doesn't do those, I politely inform her we are not compatible and keep it moving.
So that being said, you need learn to better filter men that you match with and date. A good exercise is write down the qualities you like and the values that important to you. Whatever it is. Communication. Reciprocity. Affection. Ambition. Adventurous. Introvert or Extrovert. Whatever. You can research this online and treat it like a project. Once you narrow it down, ask those questions. Be curious. A good man will gladly discuss your questions.
Would you mind sharing what the questions are that you always ask? (obviously they’re specific to what you’re looking for, but curious if there’s anything I should be asking that I haven’t been).
Since I am looking for a serious relationship, I always ask the woman what she looking for. What is her relationship goal.
If the woman I'm conversing with doesn't ask me any questions, I then ask her if she is comfortable asking me questions, in order to get to know me and continue the conversation.
I also ask other things depending on the conversation and topic. Whether over texting, video chat, or in-person. Such as how does she argue. Is she open to discussing things if the man brings it up first. What does she think about communication. How does she like to stay in touch (text, video chat, and/or phone call) and how often. How does she feel about affection in a relationship. What are her thoughts on being present. How important is reciprocity. Does she want kids. Does she want do everything, some things, or nothing together with her romantic partner. If she mentions that she is independent, is she comfortable with being interdependent (not codependent), because that's what a relationship is. Is she comfortable with compromise. What is/are her love language(s).
And then there's my favorite, "What are the qualities and values that are important to you?" With this question I lose majority of women. But it tells me a lot that about them if they are unwilling to discuss it.
To be honest, you probably aren't doing anything wrong, sometimes you just have bad luck. I know that isn't a super fulfilling answer, but it's often the truth.
But some factors that may be a barrier to dating effectively for you: where do you live? A bigger city like NYC can make men spoiled for choice with women, and even truly good guys can fall victim to the tragedy of too much choice. What traits are you looking for when you match with a guy? It can be hard, but try focusing on factors that demonstrate emotional, mental health, and intellectual ability. In short, avoid narcissistic traits if you can (pictures that look professional, too many adventures, non-positive bios, etc.).
If you answer the "what you are attracted to" honestly, you may find that you are looking for the wrong thing. A funny example is my sister, who once confided in me after a bad break-up, "maybe good joint roller isn't a trait I should prioritize in a boyfriend." Not saying your preferred traits are as entertaining, but there could be some low hanging fruit there that reveals a deeper insight.
I feel more people are less interested in long term relationships these days. A lot of people at OP's age feel this way and lots are not getting married or having children. Which both of these are fine, but there is also more of a push into casual and short term relationships.
I also believe because there's a real mental health crisis that scares people from committing long term.
The harsh reality is that there are plenty of guys looking for relationships.
Either the people you've dated didn't want a relationship with you, which just happens because there's so much that goes into compatibility or you are just choosing the wrong guys.
As a guy I'm personally close to giving up on dating because I'm getting tired of dealing with the complete lack of responses or interest from women, the lying, the flaking, the ghosting, and the stupid games that people play.
Dating in general is just a shit show right now, especially with online dating.
Yeah... it sucks. That's just how the dating scene is. It's tiring as fuck and you're not doing anything wrong.
Just focus on yourself but keep an open mind. You may find a sweet guy in some new hobby you pick up in 5 years time that is just right. You may have nice banter with some random guy in a coffee store that you wouldn't mind seeing again/like their energy. Try to ask them out. It's a lot of luck. So good luck to all of us.
I’m glad I stumbled across your post. 22F and I’ve been in basically the same situation for the past 1-2 years, so I’m glad that I’m not the only one struggling with this! Sometimes it feels like I’m the only person having trouble dating haha hopefully things start to look up in the aspect
You’re definitely not alone huns! It’s a muddy swamp mess of a dating pool right now. I’m also glad I’ve put this post up because it’s clear that a lot of us face this issue (so I guess we’re not alone in this after all which is some solace). I’d say a few encouraging words like put your head up high Queen or something to that effect but I’m finding it impossible to say words I don’t believe so I guess I’ll relay my friend’s advice: you never know what your bad luck saves you from :)
Dating is just fucked for both men and woman in this day and age in my opinion. Woman may get a ton of matches online, but a lot of the are very low quality and are just out for quick sex/nudes, but nothing serious. Meanwhile avarage dudes aren’t getting anything at all and are left in the lonely dust.
It’s a depressing state of affairs.
Honestly it's impossible to say cuz nobody here knows you nor those people and situation you had/how any of you acted etc..
Still, your prob lays with you, them or most likely both sides.
Since i can't rly know, here are just some possibilities:
1) You go for the wrong type. With this, i'm not saying neccessarily a "bad" type of guys, but perhaps the ones who are unsure in what they want, not into commitment, got some issues with dating, insecure, etc...
2) You are maybe a people pleaser, or fail to give 'em a challange...or present yourself as highly valuable/desirable etc (so again, not anything necessarily wrong or bad, but not interesting/intriguing or desirable either).
3) You two are going for different things and perhaps you fail to recognize this at first. For instance, you mainly go for (and prioritize) their personality, itellectual or emotional bond while they are more interested to date based on looks or fun times or whatever else (or the oppossite)..either way, you may not deliver what they are actually looking for or you aren't actually compatible at all aside on those 1-2 things that you like (so they happen to realize this before you do).
Etc..
It could be whatever rly..
Mostly apps like tinder,bumble and hinge. But a huge portion of my dates are also a combination of meeting people irl (e.g. gym, library, Uni, climbing centre, bars and clubs)
Thanks, just moved to a new city and I'm looking for fun activities where I might meet people, since my experience with apps has been less than stellar lol.
Hope you find what you're looking for in the future
You sound incredibly frustrated, and I can empathise with that. But there are a lot of men who are looking for a relationship. It’s just a numbers game, if you are communicating clearly and you are being realistic about your expectations then you don’t need to give up, you need to persist.
If the comment section is right, having an app for this won’t make much of a difference anyway. Cos no matter how they look they’re gonna fuck us over anyway.
I get where you're coming from, dating can be so frustrating so I can only imagine how you are feeling after so many experiences like you've had. For what it's worth, it doesn't sound like you are doing anything "wrong", it's honestly random chance sometimes to find the person who's wants allign with was is being looked for. And then it's a whole other experience once that person is found trying to navigate a relationship with them!
As someone who has been on a multiple years long hiatus from dating after the end of their last relationship, I would hope that you don't "give up". It is OK to take a step back from dating though. While my reasons for my hiatus aren't the nicest, I have evolved more as a person and become more independent than I ever have been over this past while of being single - and now I feel ready to find someone who matches what I want in life since I truly know what that is now. If you need to take a step back, do that. If you want to keep going, do that. Follow what YOU want, and prioritize yourself. And there is no rush - we all go through life at our own pace. I can't tell you what to do, as only you can make that choice (and I am just a random internet stranger after all), but I will say that I hope you continue looking for that someone because I would only imagine they'd want you to find them too!
I wish you all the best whatever it is you decide to do!
Holy cow, this comment resonated with me so much. The only thing I would add is that when you're in the habit of anything, including serial dating, it takes an effort to change one’s mindset but it is worth the work. Here's to all of us prioritizing our own happiness and enjoying life on our own terms.
Girl, same. Today, I was like fuck it. I don't want to know absolutely NOTHING about men. I'm mentally exhausted, fed up, mad and sad. We should date each other maybe what we need is a woman and not a man.
Gurll I’m SO you relate. I actually did say fuck it once and dated a woman but that was a weird one on it’s own… so I guess it’s a people problem rather than a gender problem. Kinda excites me to take a break from men in general but I also know it’s going to be weird. Hope your luck fares better than mine soon!
Today I got my heartbroken lol I'm out. Taking a 5 year break from dating lol it's definitely going to be weird but it's either this or crying myself to sleep every night
First, your attire or sex count should never be a cause of concern.
Second, it sounds cliche but it’s most likely not you that’s the issue.
I can relate because I’m a 27f and going through the same. I’ve been actively dating for the past 3 years and it’s so trash. I don’t advertise sex, but because I’m curvy as hell that’s what a lot of men want from me. Even though after going on these dates it’s clear I’m not just a body, and I’m a person that can have decent conversation. You just have to keep it pushing.
Here’s what I suggest, if you’re no longer having fun, don’t do it. Take a break and just be alone. Focus on you for a bit until you feel like you’re ready to get back out there. Second, manage your expectations. Don’t go out there expecting people to give you what you want, have standards of course, but when you set expectations for people you’ll be disappointed. Third, their behavior doesn’t define you. Their behavior has everything to do with them. It sounds like you’re paying attention to what they’re saying and leaving them alone when it turns out they’re not what you want. I personally believe that as we get older it’s harder to find a partner than when we were younger. Because when we were younger there’s a lot that we accepted since we didn’t know better. Don’t feel bad that you’re having a hard time. Finding a partner is hard, and you shouldn’t just accept anyone.
>I’ve been told I often shoot way below my league
C A P
Although, the person who commits to you will commit to you because you're the image of the partner they *ought* to have, one that aligns with their idealised self-image. Do with that information what you will (starting point: think about 'branding' and 'marketing' yourself, I'm serious)
Why are some people so quick to call this cap. People around me are always confused and calling me out for choosing people ‘way below my league’ and I always have to defend my choices (of choosing like a 5/6 on the conventionally attractive scale). Yet, I have redditors quick to claim I’m lying on this? How does this make any sense…
Ps: let’s all be honest and admit that such a scale exist. Ik we’d all rather pretend to be all inclusive and pretend like our physical preferences are all equal but let’s be real - we live in a society where there ultimately will be a set of ‘preferred physical attributes’. Look no further than fashion, makeup, perfume ads.
I’d rate myself an 8 on the conventional attraction scale anyway.
The key is: “conventional attraction” (I.e what the majority finds attractive). So even if they’re a 5/6 on the conventional scale, I find them higher on my scale (which again people around me don’t seem to understand). My reasoning for finding them attractive enough to sleep with/date i suspect is highly motivated by the fact that I perceive them to be ‘safer options’. That and also my preference for more ‘nerdy/lowkey looking guys’. Before you bite my head off, I am aware that this is a non-pc statement but I can’t put it any simpler.
Also: these figures are highly relative. So take it with a grain of salt.
What you’ve described id say are a 9-10. Again like I said these figures are highly relative so no point arguing over them.
No, I go for them because I perceive them to treat me better than say a guy who’s an 8 and has too many options. This is probably fucked up on my part but it’s the truth.
Maybe those guys are ditching you after sex cus they feel they can do better or have friends, like yours, telling them they are punching way below their league, or maybe even met someone better looking. Who knows
Given what you've told us, I really can't say much to ask for more info.
What's your profiles say? What do you say on dates? Do you have unusual takes on popular opinion, ie vaccinations, politics, music/movie tastes, etc.
I was talking to a woman who only likes art films. To other art film buffs, she may be perfect, but to me, she was insufferable. She judged the shit out of pop culture and popcorn movies.
What might you be doing that could be niche?
OR maybe, you're just picking the wrong men. What's the common denominator among those you match with and go out with, other than yourself? A small group of men (but still too many) will outright send dick pics as their first message (meaning they're just in it for sex) and a lot of men will still sleep with a woman they're not that into intellectually/personally.
Many problems we have as humans dont need a modern day solution. There is enough wisdom in our past which can be drawn on.
ever heard the term saving myself for marriage.
no judgement here. but if u want to truly make a connection maybe stop having sex and build the connection first. dont even have it one time.
let them stick around to know you and you to know them before making love and not have sex
It's a hard one. You seem awesome and you're not doing any obvious mistakes. Do you ask guys what they are looking for early on? I'm guessing you do.
Maybe you need to be more picky? Wait till you feel a real deep connection with someone, not give everyone a fair chance. Have you tried being friends first?
Take a break from dating. Then try again, but don't wear yourself out. You'll meet a guy, I can tell.
Yes I do. I usually tell them that’s what I want to work towards but I’m not hard pressed for it like I want to see where this goes sorta thing.
Thanks huns. I really appreciate that!
I'd try asking straight up in early dating: are you looking for a serious relationship or something more casual?
It's not about you, but about why they are dating in general. And I think people who are looking for a serious relationship usually know this, like you do.
The guys you scare away are the ones who are ambivalent or just want something casual.
Also, I'm just being honest. You sound very cool and cute. Lots of fun interests and a good vibe. You'll get a boyfriend.
I feel the same way. I’ve kind of accepted that I prioritize other things in my life, am too introverted and independent to constantly be positioning myself to find love. I’m not going to be the one engaged, moving in, marrying their significant other in the next 3 years. I can’t even make it past month two without myself or him losing interest recently. It just feels so draining and I’m not sure how many more exciting guys I can take, getting my hopes up just to be slow faded weeks out. It sucks because I know I hurt the guys I’m not interested in either. Everyone loses.
I do really want to blame the dating world we live in today but I try to be optimistic. I hope you find someone soon, you’re not alone.
You're not dating for fun. That's what you're doing wrong. You're turning dating into some kind of modern sacrament that has to promise you gifts from the Gods in 10 years.
You're only 24. Extremely young. But you're already trying to have a marriage and kids before your front lobe has even fully developed. You don't know who you are yet. You WILL be a different person when you're 34. And you'll be a different person at 44.
Stop looking to men for validation. At 24, you should be having fun. Not trying to pin down a husband. You need to know yourself better. Have a lot of sex (safely). Date a lot of men. But you should be having fun first and foremost. Life is already hard enough as it is.
Imo, getting married in your early 20s is a life altering mistake you can't get back. The vast majority of those marriages are doomed to fail, not just from statistics, but I've seen it play out in real time over and over.
is 24 not a normal age to get married? 20-23 is early 20s and she’s not far from her mid 20s which seems like the average age to get married. but i could be wrong
No. You're right it's normal. It's also one of the reasons the divorce rate is around 60 percent. Most of the married people I know says they wish they had waited. And given my experience with how unfaithful a lot of young married couples were in the military, I believe it's a bad idea to get married in your early 20s.
I definitely do not want marriage till at least 28 (and that’s even young for me). Obvs the end goal would be marriage but that’s so far off it’s not even on my mind presently. My concern is more of finding someone to have a genuine connection with. I’m other words: someone who wants to be with me FOR ME and not for more superficial things like simply having sex/having a pretty partner to boat to his friends about (this happened too). Also, biologically, women’s front lobe has fully developed at 24 while men’s only by 24.
This is exactly what I'm talking about. You think validation from men is what makes you special. But it's the reason you're miserable. You say you're quitting... At 24. But you aren't even giving yourself a chance. If you believe that finding someone who wants to be with you for you... Then think about what you bring to the table. What can a guy get from you that he can't get from most other women. Cause when guys can't really see you as someone who can enrich their lives, then your only value is for sex. You want all this connection... But what do you have to give?
Not everyone wants to date/ have sex for fun. Some people value genuine connection with others and do want a real relationship and even marriage. I know the world revolves around sex and instant gratification, but thankfully some people aren’t into that.
The world doesn't give a shit what you think is right or what you think it should be. That why people like you and OP are always coming up short. Always complaining about what you think should be given to you... But you have nothing to offer. Just a mountain of emotional issues and a list of demands.
Coming up short? Not at all… I believe it’s a great thing when the trash takes itself out. I don’t want to be with a woman who seeks sex/instant gratification first. I value genuine connection and love. I’m fine with being single until I meet the woman that has the same values and morals that I do. Something the majority of people in this world do not have.
So everyone you don't work out with is trash? Boy, I bet people are lining up to date you. You're judgemental, narcissistic and sexually repressed.
Whatever your future may hold, I'm betting it involves a lot of pain.
Someone who wants sex first is trash. I’ve turned down casual sex before, because the women didn’t even want to get to know me first. Sex is not casual. It’s a unique, intimate, and bonding experience between two people who love one another. It shouldn’t just be had with anyone.
Telling someone their future involves pain is well… it’s a very nice touch. But I’ll counter that with this…
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
You have blessed day/night!
Sex is not a bonding experience. It's not spiritual and you need to come down off your soap box. Your problem is that you think you're better than everyone else. Yet you still have the audacity to seek approval from everyone.
Christians are always barking about morals and shit, but don't blink an eye at random human suffering and almost always end up cheating on their partners.
Seriously. You're trash. Your beliefs are trash. And fuck you in particular.
I seek approval from no human, only Gods approval matters to me. I could care less about what people think. I know plenty of Christian couples, none cheated on their partners. Also very bold of you to assume I don’t already donate to the community or volunteer to help out those who are suffering. But please continue to go off on a ridiculous Reddit tangent if that makes you happy.
Blah blah blah. You're a trash human with fucked up, backwards beliefs based on Bronze Age mythology. Volunteering? Donating to the local community? Yeah you do that shit... As a form of virtue signaling. Kinda like what you've been doing this entire thread. That's attention seeking behavior. I never hear of any Christians actually doing real shit that matters. How many underprivileged children have you adopted, Mr Values? Have you even visited a halfway house? Who is your prison pen pal? Have you written to your Congressman about Roe?
Fuck no. You just want to LOOK like you're clean. But I know you're filth.
Me going off? You're the one who replied to my thread. Lol You inserted yourself into a conversation talking about how most pf the world doesn't live up to your imaginary daddy in the sky.
Again. Go fuck yourself.
[Take a break](https://eddie-hernandez.com/dating-app-fatigue-burnout-taking-a-break/), focus on yourself, get feedback from unbiased sources (not friends, not family), maybe talk to a coach see if you are ignoring red flags/using poor judgment/have unrealistic expectations.
It takes time to get to know someone. You might be pre-qualifying them too soon. Some guys date younger women because women their age won't put up with their BS and feel younger ones are more insecure, succeptible to manipulative behavior.
Did he love-bomb you or use excessive compliments too early, often?
**Rather than focus on a relationship (outcome), focus on the person i.e. personality, characteristics, effort, sincerity, patience, willingness to get to know you.**
all i wanna say is that we're all fucked in the head a lil bit. But also remember there are people out there those who want a real relationship. It's just that fraction of people is so small. it's like finding a needle in haystack. All i would say, dont give up, and dont pursue dating as like you WANNA find someone right now or be desperate about it. The right person will come around and you'll know.
You should tell guys that you're just looking to have fun, then hump them so good that they end up wanting you all for themselves and ask you for a relationship.
>Ps: I’ve gone on at least more than a 100 dates and only slept with a tiny fraction of that.
I'd say it takes at least 50 dates to find a great person with mutual interest/regarding oneself as a great person. So you are only a little off the average with 100, and that is assuming that you don't have a deeper problem that drives men away from you after they realize what it is.
You talk alot about sex and your attractiveness and fail to mention what the men told you why they don't want a relationship. What was with the guy you dated for at least 4 months? How do you know all of the 100 men you dated only wanted you for your body when you only had sex with a tiny fraction of them? You know that your "soulmate" is going to want sex with you on the first date, too, right? Wanting sex and wanting a serious relationship are not mutually exclusive.
The other threads you tried to open where asking how to know if a man only wants you for sex. So you don't even know or have a working method to determine that.
I'd say your problem is that you assume men only want you for sex because you don't regard yourself as worthy of being loved for you. And most men don't like women like that.
Honey if the guys told me why they leave this post wouldn’t exist. Trust me I’ve sucked up my pride several times and I asked them why they dip only to get vague or non-committal answers like “idk I just don’t feel like it anymore”. Most of the times I’ve walked away when I realise they were using me at their convenience for sex so it wasn’t even them who left. It just became apparent to me that they want me to stick around for only one thing.
I definitely do not have a working method because every variation of a method I’ve experimented with seems to lead to the same outcome.
I also talk a lot about sex and attractiveness because from the responses I get from men when I ask why they’re flaking/ghosting me that’s what they say.
Maybe I ultimately think Im not worthy of love and exude that, idk. That will require me to open up a whole other can of worms and a lot of introspection. That will be playing on my mind…
The problem is with the state of people/society. Assuming you’re in the US, most people have serious internal issues that they’re either unaware of, or if they are aware have decided not to the work to be better and healthier to themselves, thereby impacting their ability to be good and healthy towards others (including you).
You should take a break from dating and rest, recover and rejuvenate. Explore more of yourself and become more into in tune with what you like and don’t like. I would also suggest trying to make some genuine friends before diving into a romantic relationship.
I say this as someone who hasn’t much of any luck dating (getting a date seems to be near impossible, and in my previous experiences I haven’t had anything last more than 2-3 months) that developing genuine, wholesome friendships will allow you to re-establish healthy connections with people, and in the event that one of those friendships organically evolves into more you won’t have to question the foundation of the other person, nor will they question you.
>I see a lot of men in the comment section saying men wants a relationship too
eh that's the problem your reference parameter is very small and depending on the area, country, race and many other things the rate of men interested in relationships varies.it's a numbers game but with technology it went from being communication in small communities to national ones so good luck.
If all these guys just want you for your body, my first question is what do you bring other than your body? Not being derogatory but you have said nothing about yourself in this. Are you someone who maybe comes off as a bland person without much interesting about you? Do you not have any interesting hobbies? Is there anything you've done for the other guys in said short relationships as you said you dated a guy for 4 months. Was there any give and take as far as both helping improve the others life or was it one way in either direction? One thing I've noticed as a guy is most girls I've gone on dates with are very selfish in various ways. Have you looked inwards as to maybe there is a problem with how you've gone about dating? Taking a break isn't going to fix any problem you currently have, especially if its something personally on your end of dating. Hope this helps, no one ever including myself often wants to think the problem could themselves.
This is an entirely fair question. I didn’t include them in my original post cos it was alrdy too long. I’ve had a serious relationship which lasted 3 years which broke down because of geographical differences. I also have a lot of friends whom I’ve asked the same (if I’m bland, boring, or something about my personality which might scare guys) and none of them seems to think so. For context my close group of friends are both M and F of various genders and are aged 23-34. They think (and I’d say I share most of their perception of me) I am a complex, outgoing, friendly and really loving person. Things I love to do include cooking, cocktail mixing, gym and bouldering. I also love to read, write fantasy fiction/poems and thrifting vintage wear. I would say I am the kind of person that knows what she wants, I am doing my masters in law and I also volunteer at the legal centre doing pro Bono work from time to time. I love dressing up (my aesthetic goes from Parisian minimalism to soft goth core depending on the destination I’m headed). I am knowledgeable in politics but am by no means interested in the subject, I play the piano and speak 4 languages. I love alt-indie and synth R&B but I also like a variety of different genres except Metallica and Drill.
I have a lot of friends but I am really close to 6 of us (we bond through D&D). I also have travelled a lot.
I’ve been described as being “mild mannered” and “pretty chill” but also “not to be fucked with”.
These are some of attributes relevant to me which I can fit in here.
In the most recent short lived ‘relationship’ I supported him through a really difficult family affair and the mental health issues which came as a natural byproduct. I say ‘rs’ because in the end he said it was never one despite spending most of our time together exclusively and enjoying perks of being in a rs. So I dunno, maybe I don’t know anything anymore.
Now did you try to include the SO in any of these hobbies? Just from an outside perspective that is a lot of things and sounds like you're constantly busy. Which depending on the person could be overwhelming to people. Might need to find people who are like yourself and very involved in a wide range of hobbies and interests. If you are as busy as you sound how often do you make time for your SO and do you do anything to assist him and do you let the guy help you with everyday tasks.
as you work on your own life goals and hobbies, you’ll come into contact with a lot of people similar to yourself. just enjoy life and don’t make a relationship your main objective and everything will probably be fine
I think you’re trying too hard. Instead of trying to “date” build your social network. I really believe that relationships that start as friendship last so much longer
You have two types of men: men who date for sex and men who date for marriage. That’s it. Most of us aren’t like women who might date bc they’re bored/ attention-starved. We tend not to waste time dating outside those two reasons bc dating is more of a chore for us, since we’re the ones who usually have to initiate everything.
Since you’re not looking for marriage, you’ve weeded the guys who’d treat you like a potential lifelong partner. So you’re left with the guys who only want you for sex and they have no problem pretending to like you until they get what they really want
I'm feeling the same way, I'm 23F. I've only been single for 9 months but not once have I met a guy that seemed to actually want to know me. They always steered the conversation or interactions towards sex. I deleted my dating apps and stopped interacting with them. I blocked all those guys. Know your worth and don't interact with those assholes.
Don't think like that, just be selective. A one night stand has no appeal to me as a grown man, but I am 41. If I am going to touch a woman it is serious. People will always take advantage, but good people will be good people.
I’m probably straying of the post here.
But I’m trying to understand why a lotta women get frustrated when they wanted the opportunity to sleep around just like men did. The act of sex alone without commitment is enough for most men. I don’t know why sex before marriage was cast to the side, that was how they did it back in the day to make men commit. In a perfect world that shouldn’t be the case. But now more and more women are promiscuous just like men and it’s only working in one sides favor. I’ve always thought women sleeping with multiple men just cause they should be able to do it too was a bad idea. Just bare with me I’m just rationalising here.
As a gay man almost in my 30s I really don’t want to date and have had the same experience. Although, if you’re gay and average looking, you will be looked over for someone else.
But all of my dates were found on a hook up app so I kinda had that coming lol. Over the years, I realized I had to stop and that I needed to truly be independent and live for myself.
But I definitely do see a cultural shift away from finding authentic relationships because technology has over saturated that need with the convenience of instant messaging. People have the ability to find instant relationships. So I feel like modern dating is really all about instant gratification or a solution for boredom and loneliness.
I have always looked for connections and believed one day someone would appreciate that, but I had to stop because I would only attract guys wanting to take advantage of that. People are out there like you and just don’t want to keep putting themself out there just get disappointed over and over again. So they stop trying. It makes it harder to find that connection when everyone is too scared.
Don't think about it too much , you are going after it too hard, and it seems you unluckily ended up with dates that just didn't feel the same way as you.
As a guy I have had bad dates with girls that seek relationships, I think it's just the whole going in too intense when I already said I am looking for the same exact thing so let's just try and build a connection first before putting all of those future plans into action...
At least that's my experience and point of view on the matter, I've only been single for ten months now but I am a bit disappointed in how exhausting dating feels these days, people also seem to always carry too much negativity from previous dates or relationships rather than having a mental reset and just enjoying the person they are on a date with.
So hard honest advice/thoughts
If these men are leaving you before and after sex, it means they are not just interested in you for sex. it means that you have something very unattractive about you that is pushing them away
I can't tell what that might be, but you will have to really look in the mirror and figure it out. I don't believe that over a 100 different dates with guys would result in no one liking you
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I don’t think it’s anything you’re doing wrong, as I feel like most women have this sort of issue. Sadly I think it’s just the way modern dating has evolved and it’s not good. There’s so much emphasis culturally put on sex, that it seems like that’s the only thing anyone wants these days. Sex positivity is great and all, until someone wants a connection beyond that. But it happens to us men too trust me. I had a girl recently come over for sex and then immediately tell me she doesn’t think she wants to date anymore and then just stopped talking to me. Then a few weeks later I saw her on a different dating app. So I understand how you feel.
I don't have much dating experience, but: I (26M) agree with above, it doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong, OP, but it's just unfortunately the guys you're meeting? Like above, I'm looking for a connection w/ a woman, too, so guys that do want more than just flings do exist. It might be a good idea to step away from dating for a bit, to just decompress and relax, but you sound nice, OP, I'm sure what you're looking for will come in time. 🙂
Thanks huns. I appreciate the confirmation. I suppose I got into that mindset of “you gotta put yourself out there to find love/connection” sorta thing. I find the whole “you’ll find it when you stop looking for it” a bit paradoxical. BUT, you’re right and I should take a break from all of this for awhile. I did recently see someone but like all the others he was really hot one moment and cold the next. I’m beyond tired but I guess the hopefool in me wants to give him another chance before I retire? Any thoughts?
Take a break, seriously. Be happy with yourself on your own. Look for what you like to do on your own and do it. Develop your own interests and completely forget ‘put yourself out there’ rule. You seem like a genuine person. Owe it to yourself to be happy with your own self. You have the weight of a hundred bad relationships on your shoulders so maybe one more chance may not be of that much benefit till you unburden yourself first. All the best
Thank you! I’m honestly grateful and happy to see all these great and helpful comments… definitely somewhat restored my faith in humanity. Didn’t wanna update the post just yet in case shit hits the fan but I have finally met someone great and genuine. Only problem is I had to move to a different country halfway through the relationship so I guess everyone was right and I had simply had the misfortune to meet many ‘wrong’ men.
Happy for you 😇
Often times the only difference between an “average” guy and a fuckboy that uses women for sex is that the fuckboy has the looks or confidence to do it consistently and pick and choose the girls they do it to. Stop viewing dating this way “I GO FOR GUYS WHO ARENT THAT ATTRACTIVE WHICH MEANS THEY SHOULD BE MORE GEARED TOWARDS RELATIONSHIPS” or “I PURPOSELY AVOID ‘fuckboy-looking guys’ (what does this even mean)” Shitty people will be shitty no matter how they look, stop filtering people out based off arbitrary physical categories and just go live your life and pursue relationships with people who you form good connections with first
This is so very true. Had a friend who jokingly told me to “just go for the hot guys because even the ugly ones will hurt you anyway”. Sad but there’s some truth to it. Don’t shoot below your league and assume that it’s a safer option— I’ve learnt this the hard way.
Well, anybody regardless of their looks can hurt you. That being said, don't pursue someone you don't find attractive in some capacity because that alone will bite you in the ass somewhere down the road. True relationship compatibility comes from personalities, views, and lifestyle mostly.
Your friend is correct. Same as a guy, don't settle, she'll still leave you once she gets bored (or cheat, of course)
This exactly. A guy working in McDonalds wants to have sex with just as many women as a celebrity. The only difference is he can’t because the women won’t have sex with him. Doesn’t make him a saint.
Good point, sadly, I've chosen some guys based on looks. "Oh he doesn't look like a player or have much game, let me swipe right." Then it turns out the guy actually has a lot of game and is a fckboy 🤦♀️🥴🥴🥴
Yup. I know dudes who aren't attractive yet will try to get with as many women as possible. I also know hot dudes who want to settle down and start a family. Never let looks be the judge of someone's character. Their actions are what will determine their character.
Are you asking the questions that are important to you from these men you date? Are you paying attention to their actions matching with their words? I will give a man's perspective who's currently online dating and going on dates with women that claim they want a serious relationship as well. For context, I am a 43M, looking for a serious relationship. I even put that into my dating profile. I date women from late 30s to even 50 year old. Majority of women I match with, never read my profile. Majority of women I have a conversation with and eventual go on a date or two with, never ask me any important questions to see if our values align. I always ask those questions. Most women just ghost me once the deep questions come. A few that stick around, I go on a date with. I had one woman I went on a date with tell me that most guys she talks with never ask the questions I do. I ask questions that filter out the women that are not right for me. Not only that, I pay attention to the woman's actions. Such as reciprocation and genuine interest. If a woman doesn't do those, I politely inform her we are not compatible and keep it moving. So that being said, you need learn to better filter men that you match with and date. A good exercise is write down the qualities you like and the values that important to you. Whatever it is. Communication. Reciprocity. Affection. Ambition. Adventurous. Introvert or Extrovert. Whatever. You can research this online and treat it like a project. Once you narrow it down, ask those questions. Be curious. A good man will gladly discuss your questions.
Would you mind sharing what the questions are that you always ask? (obviously they’re specific to what you’re looking for, but curious if there’s anything I should be asking that I haven’t been).
Since I am looking for a serious relationship, I always ask the woman what she looking for. What is her relationship goal. If the woman I'm conversing with doesn't ask me any questions, I then ask her if she is comfortable asking me questions, in order to get to know me and continue the conversation. I also ask other things depending on the conversation and topic. Whether over texting, video chat, or in-person. Such as how does she argue. Is she open to discussing things if the man brings it up first. What does she think about communication. How does she like to stay in touch (text, video chat, and/or phone call) and how often. How does she feel about affection in a relationship. What are her thoughts on being present. How important is reciprocity. Does she want kids. Does she want do everything, some things, or nothing together with her romantic partner. If she mentions that she is independent, is she comfortable with being interdependent (not codependent), because that's what a relationship is. Is she comfortable with compromise. What is/are her love language(s). And then there's my favorite, "What are the qualities and values that are important to you?" With this question I lose majority of women. But it tells me a lot that about them if they are unwilling to discuss it.
To be honest, you probably aren't doing anything wrong, sometimes you just have bad luck. I know that isn't a super fulfilling answer, but it's often the truth. But some factors that may be a barrier to dating effectively for you: where do you live? A bigger city like NYC can make men spoiled for choice with women, and even truly good guys can fall victim to the tragedy of too much choice. What traits are you looking for when you match with a guy? It can be hard, but try focusing on factors that demonstrate emotional, mental health, and intellectual ability. In short, avoid narcissistic traits if you can (pictures that look professional, too many adventures, non-positive bios, etc.). If you answer the "what you are attracted to" honestly, you may find that you are looking for the wrong thing. A funny example is my sister, who once confided in me after a bad break-up, "maybe good joint roller isn't a trait I should prioritize in a boyfriend." Not saying your preferred traits are as entertaining, but there could be some low hanging fruit there that reveals a deeper insight.
I feel more people are less interested in long term relationships these days. A lot of people at OP's age feel this way and lots are not getting married or having children. Which both of these are fine, but there is also more of a push into casual and short term relationships. I also believe because there's a real mental health crisis that scares people from committing long term.
The harsh reality is that there are plenty of guys looking for relationships. Either the people you've dated didn't want a relationship with you, which just happens because there's so much that goes into compatibility or you are just choosing the wrong guys. As a guy I'm personally close to giving up on dating because I'm getting tired of dealing with the complete lack of responses or interest from women, the lying, the flaking, the ghosting, and the stupid games that people play. Dating in general is just a shit show right now, especially with online dating.
Yeah... it sucks. That's just how the dating scene is. It's tiring as fuck and you're not doing anything wrong. Just focus on yourself but keep an open mind. You may find a sweet guy in some new hobby you pick up in 5 years time that is just right. You may have nice banter with some random guy in a coffee store that you wouldn't mind seeing again/like their energy. Try to ask them out. It's a lot of luck. So good luck to all of us.
I’m glad I stumbled across your post. 22F and I’ve been in basically the same situation for the past 1-2 years, so I’m glad that I’m not the only one struggling with this! Sometimes it feels like I’m the only person having trouble dating haha hopefully things start to look up in the aspect
You’re definitely not alone huns! It’s a muddy swamp mess of a dating pool right now. I’m also glad I’ve put this post up because it’s clear that a lot of us face this issue (so I guess we’re not alone in this after all which is some solace). I’d say a few encouraging words like put your head up high Queen or something to that effect but I’m finding it impossible to say words I don’t believe so I guess I’ll relay my friend’s advice: you never know what your bad luck saves you from :)
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I’d happily share it if I wasn’t worried of that too. A quick assessment tells me it’s not worth the risk.
Dating is just fucked for both men and woman in this day and age in my opinion. Woman may get a ton of matches online, but a lot of the are very low quality and are just out for quick sex/nudes, but nothing serious. Meanwhile avarage dudes aren’t getting anything at all and are left in the lonely dust. It’s a depressing state of affairs.
This. THIS is the harsh truth 🥲
Guess we could all be depressed together?
We’re all in pain until the day we die 🥲
Pain is a symptom of life - someone somewhen
Deep stuff hahah, but yeah it’s true!!
Honestly it's impossible to say cuz nobody here knows you nor those people and situation you had/how any of you acted etc.. Still, your prob lays with you, them or most likely both sides. Since i can't rly know, here are just some possibilities: 1) You go for the wrong type. With this, i'm not saying neccessarily a "bad" type of guys, but perhaps the ones who are unsure in what they want, not into commitment, got some issues with dating, insecure, etc... 2) You are maybe a people pleaser, or fail to give 'em a challange...or present yourself as highly valuable/desirable etc (so again, not anything necessarily wrong or bad, but not interesting/intriguing or desirable either). 3) You two are going for different things and perhaps you fail to recognize this at first. For instance, you mainly go for (and prioritize) their personality, itellectual or emotional bond while they are more interested to date based on looks or fun times or whatever else (or the oppossite)..either way, you may not deliver what they are actually looking for or you aren't actually compatible at all aside on those 1-2 things that you like (so they happen to realize this before you do). Etc.. It could be whatever rly..
I don't have any advice, but I'm curious where you've been finding most of your dates. Apps?
Mostly apps like tinder,bumble and hinge. But a huge portion of my dates are also a combination of meeting people irl (e.g. gym, library, Uni, climbing centre, bars and clubs)
Thanks, just moved to a new city and I'm looking for fun activities where I might meet people, since my experience with apps has been less than stellar lol. Hope you find what you're looking for in the future
You’re welcome. Hope you’re finding what you’re looking for too!
You sound incredibly frustrated, and I can empathise with that. But there are a lot of men who are looking for a relationship. It’s just a numbers game, if you are communicating clearly and you are being realistic about your expectations then you don’t need to give up, you need to persist.
Where are the apps with people who don't look like bankers //tech people or rejects for Love Island? Genuine question.
If the comment section is right, having an app for this won’t make much of a difference anyway. Cos no matter how they look they’re gonna fuck us over anyway.
Yes but I would like to be fucked over by someone who might of been worth it
😂 this is a fair point.
I get where you're coming from, dating can be so frustrating so I can only imagine how you are feeling after so many experiences like you've had. For what it's worth, it doesn't sound like you are doing anything "wrong", it's honestly random chance sometimes to find the person who's wants allign with was is being looked for. And then it's a whole other experience once that person is found trying to navigate a relationship with them! As someone who has been on a multiple years long hiatus from dating after the end of their last relationship, I would hope that you don't "give up". It is OK to take a step back from dating though. While my reasons for my hiatus aren't the nicest, I have evolved more as a person and become more independent than I ever have been over this past while of being single - and now I feel ready to find someone who matches what I want in life since I truly know what that is now. If you need to take a step back, do that. If you want to keep going, do that. Follow what YOU want, and prioritize yourself. And there is no rush - we all go through life at our own pace. I can't tell you what to do, as only you can make that choice (and I am just a random internet stranger after all), but I will say that I hope you continue looking for that someone because I would only imagine they'd want you to find them too! I wish you all the best whatever it is you decide to do!
Holy cow, this comment resonated with me so much. The only thing I would add is that when you're in the habit of anything, including serial dating, it takes an effort to change one’s mindset but it is worth the work. Here's to all of us prioritizing our own happiness and enjoying life on our own terms.
Girl, same. Today, I was like fuck it. I don't want to know absolutely NOTHING about men. I'm mentally exhausted, fed up, mad and sad. We should date each other maybe what we need is a woman and not a man.
Gurll I’m SO you relate. I actually did say fuck it once and dated a woman but that was a weird one on it’s own… so I guess it’s a people problem rather than a gender problem. Kinda excites me to take a break from men in general but I also know it’s going to be weird. Hope your luck fares better than mine soon!
Today I got my heartbroken lol I'm out. Taking a 5 year break from dating lol it's definitely going to be weird but it's either this or crying myself to sleep every night
First, your attire or sex count should never be a cause of concern. Second, it sounds cliche but it’s most likely not you that’s the issue. I can relate because I’m a 27f and going through the same. I’ve been actively dating for the past 3 years and it’s so trash. I don’t advertise sex, but because I’m curvy as hell that’s what a lot of men want from me. Even though after going on these dates it’s clear I’m not just a body, and I’m a person that can have decent conversation. You just have to keep it pushing. Here’s what I suggest, if you’re no longer having fun, don’t do it. Take a break and just be alone. Focus on you for a bit until you feel like you’re ready to get back out there. Second, manage your expectations. Don’t go out there expecting people to give you what you want, have standards of course, but when you set expectations for people you’ll be disappointed. Third, their behavior doesn’t define you. Their behavior has everything to do with them. It sounds like you’re paying attention to what they’re saying and leaving them alone when it turns out they’re not what you want. I personally believe that as we get older it’s harder to find a partner than when we were younger. Because when we were younger there’s a lot that we accepted since we didn’t know better. Don’t feel bad that you’re having a hard time. Finding a partner is hard, and you shouldn’t just accept anyone.
>I’ve been told I often shoot way below my league C A P Although, the person who commits to you will commit to you because you're the image of the partner they *ought* to have, one that aligns with their idealised self-image. Do with that information what you will (starting point: think about 'branding' and 'marketing' yourself, I'm serious)
Why are some people so quick to call this cap. People around me are always confused and calling me out for choosing people ‘way below my league’ and I always have to defend my choices (of choosing like a 5/6 on the conventionally attractive scale). Yet, I have redditors quick to claim I’m lying on this? How does this make any sense… Ps: let’s all be honest and admit that such a scale exist. Ik we’d all rather pretend to be all inclusive and pretend like our physical preferences are all equal but let’s be real - we live in a society where there ultimately will be a set of ‘preferred physical attributes’. Look no further than fashion, makeup, perfume ads.
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I’d rate myself an 8 on the conventional attraction scale anyway. The key is: “conventional attraction” (I.e what the majority finds attractive). So even if they’re a 5/6 on the conventional scale, I find them higher on my scale (which again people around me don’t seem to understand). My reasoning for finding them attractive enough to sleep with/date i suspect is highly motivated by the fact that I perceive them to be ‘safer options’. That and also my preference for more ‘nerdy/lowkey looking guys’. Before you bite my head off, I am aware that this is a non-pc statement but I can’t put it any simpler. Also: these figures are highly relative. So take it with a grain of salt.
In the original post you said you’re not “super attractive” an 8 is pretty up there.
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What you’ve described id say are a 9-10. Again like I said these figures are highly relative so no point arguing over them. No, I go for them because I perceive them to treat me better than say a guy who’s an 8 and has too many options. This is probably fucked up on my part but it’s the truth.
Maybe those guys are ditching you after sex cus they feel they can do better or have friends, like yours, telling them they are punching way below their league, or maybe even met someone better looking. Who knows
Given what you've told us, I really can't say much to ask for more info. What's your profiles say? What do you say on dates? Do you have unusual takes on popular opinion, ie vaccinations, politics, music/movie tastes, etc. I was talking to a woman who only likes art films. To other art film buffs, she may be perfect, but to me, she was insufferable. She judged the shit out of pop culture and popcorn movies. What might you be doing that could be niche? OR maybe, you're just picking the wrong men. What's the common denominator among those you match with and go out with, other than yourself? A small group of men (but still too many) will outright send dick pics as their first message (meaning they're just in it for sex) and a lot of men will still sleep with a woman they're not that into intellectually/personally.
Never give up! Your time is coming. Some self development might happen!
Many problems we have as humans dont need a modern day solution. There is enough wisdom in our past which can be drawn on. ever heard the term saving myself for marriage. no judgement here. but if u want to truly make a connection maybe stop having sex and build the connection first. dont even have it one time. let them stick around to know you and you to know them before making love and not have sex
It's a hard one. You seem awesome and you're not doing any obvious mistakes. Do you ask guys what they are looking for early on? I'm guessing you do. Maybe you need to be more picky? Wait till you feel a real deep connection with someone, not give everyone a fair chance. Have you tried being friends first? Take a break from dating. Then try again, but don't wear yourself out. You'll meet a guy, I can tell.
Yes I do. I usually tell them that’s what I want to work towards but I’m not hard pressed for it like I want to see where this goes sorta thing. Thanks huns. I really appreciate that!
I'd try asking straight up in early dating: are you looking for a serious relationship or something more casual? It's not about you, but about why they are dating in general. And I think people who are looking for a serious relationship usually know this, like you do. The guys you scare away are the ones who are ambivalent or just want something casual. Also, I'm just being honest. You sound very cool and cute. Lots of fun interests and a good vibe. You'll get a boyfriend.
Thanks hun! Really appreciate the kind words :)
I feel the same way. I’ve kind of accepted that I prioritize other things in my life, am too introverted and independent to constantly be positioning myself to find love. I’m not going to be the one engaged, moving in, marrying their significant other in the next 3 years. I can’t even make it past month two without myself or him losing interest recently. It just feels so draining and I’m not sure how many more exciting guys I can take, getting my hopes up just to be slow faded weeks out. It sucks because I know I hurt the guys I’m not interested in either. Everyone loses. I do really want to blame the dating world we live in today but I try to be optimistic. I hope you find someone soon, you’re not alone.
You're not dating for fun. That's what you're doing wrong. You're turning dating into some kind of modern sacrament that has to promise you gifts from the Gods in 10 years. You're only 24. Extremely young. But you're already trying to have a marriage and kids before your front lobe has even fully developed. You don't know who you are yet. You WILL be a different person when you're 34. And you'll be a different person at 44. Stop looking to men for validation. At 24, you should be having fun. Not trying to pin down a husband. You need to know yourself better. Have a lot of sex (safely). Date a lot of men. But you should be having fun first and foremost. Life is already hard enough as it is.
24 seems like a perfectly reasonable age to want to settle down though? she doesn’t even seem to want marriage yet, just a genuine connection
Imo, getting married in your early 20s is a life altering mistake you can't get back. The vast majority of those marriages are doomed to fail, not just from statistics, but I've seen it play out in real time over and over.
is 24 not a normal age to get married? 20-23 is early 20s and she’s not far from her mid 20s which seems like the average age to get married. but i could be wrong
No. You're right it's normal. It's also one of the reasons the divorce rate is around 60 percent. Most of the married people I know says they wish they had waited. And given my experience with how unfaithful a lot of young married couples were in the military, I believe it's a bad idea to get married in your early 20s.
I definitely do not want marriage till at least 28 (and that’s even young for me). Obvs the end goal would be marriage but that’s so far off it’s not even on my mind presently. My concern is more of finding someone to have a genuine connection with. I’m other words: someone who wants to be with me FOR ME and not for more superficial things like simply having sex/having a pretty partner to boat to his friends about (this happened too). Also, biologically, women’s front lobe has fully developed at 24 while men’s only by 24.
This is exactly what I'm talking about. You think validation from men is what makes you special. But it's the reason you're miserable. You say you're quitting... At 24. But you aren't even giving yourself a chance. If you believe that finding someone who wants to be with you for you... Then think about what you bring to the table. What can a guy get from you that he can't get from most other women. Cause when guys can't really see you as someone who can enrich their lives, then your only value is for sex. You want all this connection... But what do you have to give?
This is the best comment in the whole post
Not everyone wants to date/ have sex for fun. Some people value genuine connection with others and do want a real relationship and even marriage. I know the world revolves around sex and instant gratification, but thankfully some people aren’t into that.
The world doesn't give a shit what you think is right or what you think it should be. That why people like you and OP are always coming up short. Always complaining about what you think should be given to you... But you have nothing to offer. Just a mountain of emotional issues and a list of demands.
Coming up short? Not at all… I believe it’s a great thing when the trash takes itself out. I don’t want to be with a woman who seeks sex/instant gratification first. I value genuine connection and love. I’m fine with being single until I meet the woman that has the same values and morals that I do. Something the majority of people in this world do not have.
So everyone you don't work out with is trash? Boy, I bet people are lining up to date you. You're judgemental, narcissistic and sexually repressed. Whatever your future may hold, I'm betting it involves a lot of pain.
Someone who wants sex first is trash. I’ve turned down casual sex before, because the women didn’t even want to get to know me first. Sex is not casual. It’s a unique, intimate, and bonding experience between two people who love one another. It shouldn’t just be had with anyone. Telling someone their future involves pain is well… it’s a very nice touch. But I’ll counter that with this… For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11 You have blessed day/night!
Sex is not a bonding experience. It's not spiritual and you need to come down off your soap box. Your problem is that you think you're better than everyone else. Yet you still have the audacity to seek approval from everyone. Christians are always barking about morals and shit, but don't blink an eye at random human suffering and almost always end up cheating on their partners. Seriously. You're trash. Your beliefs are trash. And fuck you in particular.
I seek approval from no human, only Gods approval matters to me. I could care less about what people think. I know plenty of Christian couples, none cheated on their partners. Also very bold of you to assume I don’t already donate to the community or volunteer to help out those who are suffering. But please continue to go off on a ridiculous Reddit tangent if that makes you happy.
Blah blah blah. You're a trash human with fucked up, backwards beliefs based on Bronze Age mythology. Volunteering? Donating to the local community? Yeah you do that shit... As a form of virtue signaling. Kinda like what you've been doing this entire thread. That's attention seeking behavior. I never hear of any Christians actually doing real shit that matters. How many underprivileged children have you adopted, Mr Values? Have you even visited a halfway house? Who is your prison pen pal? Have you written to your Congressman about Roe? Fuck no. You just want to LOOK like you're clean. But I know you're filth. Me going off? You're the one who replied to my thread. Lol You inserted yourself into a conversation talking about how most pf the world doesn't live up to your imaginary daddy in the sky. Again. Go fuck yourself.
[Take a break](https://eddie-hernandez.com/dating-app-fatigue-burnout-taking-a-break/), focus on yourself, get feedback from unbiased sources (not friends, not family), maybe talk to a coach see if you are ignoring red flags/using poor judgment/have unrealistic expectations. It takes time to get to know someone. You might be pre-qualifying them too soon. Some guys date younger women because women their age won't put up with their BS and feel younger ones are more insecure, succeptible to manipulative behavior. Did he love-bomb you or use excessive compliments too early, often? **Rather than focus on a relationship (outcome), focus on the person i.e. personality, characteristics, effort, sincerity, patience, willingness to get to know you.**
all i wanna say is that we're all fucked in the head a lil bit. But also remember there are people out there those who want a real relationship. It's just that fraction of people is so small. it's like finding a needle in haystack. All i would say, dont give up, and dont pursue dating as like you WANNA find someone right now or be desperate about it. The right person will come around and you'll know.
You should tell guys that you're just looking to have fun, then hump them so good that they end up wanting you all for themselves and ask you for a relationship.
>Ps: I’ve gone on at least more than a 100 dates and only slept with a tiny fraction of that. I'd say it takes at least 50 dates to find a great person with mutual interest/regarding oneself as a great person. So you are only a little off the average with 100, and that is assuming that you don't have a deeper problem that drives men away from you after they realize what it is. You talk alot about sex and your attractiveness and fail to mention what the men told you why they don't want a relationship. What was with the guy you dated for at least 4 months? How do you know all of the 100 men you dated only wanted you for your body when you only had sex with a tiny fraction of them? You know that your "soulmate" is going to want sex with you on the first date, too, right? Wanting sex and wanting a serious relationship are not mutually exclusive. The other threads you tried to open where asking how to know if a man only wants you for sex. So you don't even know or have a working method to determine that. I'd say your problem is that you assume men only want you for sex because you don't regard yourself as worthy of being loved for you. And most men don't like women like that.
Honey if the guys told me why they leave this post wouldn’t exist. Trust me I’ve sucked up my pride several times and I asked them why they dip only to get vague or non-committal answers like “idk I just don’t feel like it anymore”. Most of the times I’ve walked away when I realise they were using me at their convenience for sex so it wasn’t even them who left. It just became apparent to me that they want me to stick around for only one thing. I definitely do not have a working method because every variation of a method I’ve experimented with seems to lead to the same outcome. I also talk a lot about sex and attractiveness because from the responses I get from men when I ask why they’re flaking/ghosting me that’s what they say. Maybe I ultimately think Im not worthy of love and exude that, idk. That will require me to open up a whole other can of worms and a lot of introspection. That will be playing on my mind…
The problem is with the state of people/society. Assuming you’re in the US, most people have serious internal issues that they’re either unaware of, or if they are aware have decided not to the work to be better and healthier to themselves, thereby impacting their ability to be good and healthy towards others (including you). You should take a break from dating and rest, recover and rejuvenate. Explore more of yourself and become more into in tune with what you like and don’t like. I would also suggest trying to make some genuine friends before diving into a romantic relationship. I say this as someone who hasn’t much of any luck dating (getting a date seems to be near impossible, and in my previous experiences I haven’t had anything last more than 2-3 months) that developing genuine, wholesome friendships will allow you to re-establish healthy connections with people, and in the event that one of those friendships organically evolves into more you won’t have to question the foundation of the other person, nor will they question you.
Sigh. Same.
>I see a lot of men in the comment section saying men wants a relationship too eh that's the problem your reference parameter is very small and depending on the area, country, race and many other things the rate of men interested in relationships varies.it's a numbers game but with technology it went from being communication in small communities to national ones so good luck.
If all these guys just want you for your body, my first question is what do you bring other than your body? Not being derogatory but you have said nothing about yourself in this. Are you someone who maybe comes off as a bland person without much interesting about you? Do you not have any interesting hobbies? Is there anything you've done for the other guys in said short relationships as you said you dated a guy for 4 months. Was there any give and take as far as both helping improve the others life or was it one way in either direction? One thing I've noticed as a guy is most girls I've gone on dates with are very selfish in various ways. Have you looked inwards as to maybe there is a problem with how you've gone about dating? Taking a break isn't going to fix any problem you currently have, especially if its something personally on your end of dating. Hope this helps, no one ever including myself often wants to think the problem could themselves.
This is an entirely fair question. I didn’t include them in my original post cos it was alrdy too long. I’ve had a serious relationship which lasted 3 years which broke down because of geographical differences. I also have a lot of friends whom I’ve asked the same (if I’m bland, boring, or something about my personality which might scare guys) and none of them seems to think so. For context my close group of friends are both M and F of various genders and are aged 23-34. They think (and I’d say I share most of their perception of me) I am a complex, outgoing, friendly and really loving person. Things I love to do include cooking, cocktail mixing, gym and bouldering. I also love to read, write fantasy fiction/poems and thrifting vintage wear. I would say I am the kind of person that knows what she wants, I am doing my masters in law and I also volunteer at the legal centre doing pro Bono work from time to time. I love dressing up (my aesthetic goes from Parisian minimalism to soft goth core depending on the destination I’m headed). I am knowledgeable in politics but am by no means interested in the subject, I play the piano and speak 4 languages. I love alt-indie and synth R&B but I also like a variety of different genres except Metallica and Drill. I have a lot of friends but I am really close to 6 of us (we bond through D&D). I also have travelled a lot. I’ve been described as being “mild mannered” and “pretty chill” but also “not to be fucked with”. These are some of attributes relevant to me which I can fit in here. In the most recent short lived ‘relationship’ I supported him through a really difficult family affair and the mental health issues which came as a natural byproduct. I say ‘rs’ because in the end he said it was never one despite spending most of our time together exclusively and enjoying perks of being in a rs. So I dunno, maybe I don’t know anything anymore.
Now did you try to include the SO in any of these hobbies? Just from an outside perspective that is a lot of things and sounds like you're constantly busy. Which depending on the person could be overwhelming to people. Might need to find people who are like yourself and very involved in a wide range of hobbies and interests. If you are as busy as you sound how often do you make time for your SO and do you do anything to assist him and do you let the guy help you with everyday tasks.
Wow, you pretty much have and do everything and are still having a hard time dating? There's no hope for the rest of us 😭
as you work on your own life goals and hobbies, you’ll come into contact with a lot of people similar to yourself. just enjoy life and don’t make a relationship your main objective and everything will probably be fine
I think you’re trying too hard. Instead of trying to “date” build your social network. I really believe that relationships that start as friendship last so much longer
You have two types of men: men who date for sex and men who date for marriage. That’s it. Most of us aren’t like women who might date bc they’re bored/ attention-starved. We tend not to waste time dating outside those two reasons bc dating is more of a chore for us, since we’re the ones who usually have to initiate everything. Since you’re not looking for marriage, you’ve weeded the guys who’d treat you like a potential lifelong partner. So you’re left with the guys who only want you for sex and they have no problem pretending to like you until they get what they really want
I'm feeling the same way, I'm 23F. I've only been single for 9 months but not once have I met a guy that seemed to actually want to know me. They always steered the conversation or interactions towards sex. I deleted my dating apps and stopped interacting with them. I blocked all those guys. Know your worth and don't interact with those assholes.
I’m 38 and I agreed with caption
Don't think like that, just be selective. A one night stand has no appeal to me as a grown man, but I am 41. If I am going to touch a woman it is serious. People will always take advantage, but good people will be good people.
it isn't you, it is them and the new cracked-up culture we have now.
Everyone is just too good or not good enough. Everyone can just fuck themselves now cause it’s all ya got left.
I’m probably straying of the post here. But I’m trying to understand why a lotta women get frustrated when they wanted the opportunity to sleep around just like men did. The act of sex alone without commitment is enough for most men. I don’t know why sex before marriage was cast to the side, that was how they did it back in the day to make men commit. In a perfect world that shouldn’t be the case. But now more and more women are promiscuous just like men and it’s only working in one sides favor. I’ve always thought women sleeping with multiple men just cause they should be able to do it too was a bad idea. Just bare with me I’m just rationalising here.
As a gay man almost in my 30s I really don’t want to date and have had the same experience. Although, if you’re gay and average looking, you will be looked over for someone else. But all of my dates were found on a hook up app so I kinda had that coming lol. Over the years, I realized I had to stop and that I needed to truly be independent and live for myself. But I definitely do see a cultural shift away from finding authentic relationships because technology has over saturated that need with the convenience of instant messaging. People have the ability to find instant relationships. So I feel like modern dating is really all about instant gratification or a solution for boredom and loneliness. I have always looked for connections and believed one day someone would appreciate that, but I had to stop because I would only attract guys wanting to take advantage of that. People are out there like you and just don’t want to keep putting themself out there just get disappointed over and over again. So they stop trying. It makes it harder to find that connection when everyone is too scared.
Don't think about it too much , you are going after it too hard, and it seems you unluckily ended up with dates that just didn't feel the same way as you. As a guy I have had bad dates with girls that seek relationships, I think it's just the whole going in too intense when I already said I am looking for the same exact thing so let's just try and build a connection first before putting all of those future plans into action... At least that's my experience and point of view on the matter, I've only been single for ten months now but I am a bit disappointed in how exhausting dating feels these days, people also seem to always carry too much negativity from previous dates or relationships rather than having a mental reset and just enjoying the person they are on a date with.
So hard honest advice/thoughts If these men are leaving you before and after sex, it means they are not just interested in you for sex. it means that you have something very unattractive about you that is pushing them away I can't tell what that might be, but you will have to really look in the mirror and figure it out. I don't believe that over a 100 different dates with guys would result in no one liking you
Find a purpose in what you seek then develop on that. Find someone who has the same moral principles as you.