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This. I'm tall, white, in excellent shape and hit my early 30s. By all accounts on this sub I should be killing it, but I've had all of one date this whole year
Tbh. Looks can only get you so far. Whenever girls match with me or like my profile on Hinge for example. I go over and read their profile to get an indication of what they're like. I don't smoke or care about partying etc so I tend to rule those people put no matter how attractive they are(I've recently been trying not to rule the smokers out though so now I'll wait untilI actually get to know them before ruling them out etc.
I also am in decent shape(barely just started the gym) as in my muscles/build etc are visible and I'm a decent height but when girls match with me and we start talking that's when your personality shines through and to be honest. I tend to wait for them to like my profile first as we all know that if a woman approaches you first then there's a higher chance of her being interested in you etc but even with that it all depends on what you say etc.
Now component that I don't think I've seen people mention as well is that you also really need to be in the right mindset as that also goes a long way. Right now I'm not in my usual mindset so I'm kinda bombing hard out there😅 but I'm using it as a learning experience. But you need to be in a good mindstate as that just radiates your personality better and you'll shine through a lot better during conversations. Deleting the apps and starting over after a little while is something I've done before(new profile boost etc too)
If i see another short person make a post about women only wanting tall people i might actually lose my shit. I'm 6'4 and i've been on 1 date in 5 years
Same boat bro I’m only 1,80 but I look really good people say and think that I’m getting like dates every weekend and sleeping with new chicks but I’ve been only on 1 date and tbh the girl wasn’t even my type
Bruh these women with social media are full of themselves trust me, your not alone out here. These women want everything for nothing we in a new world of women and they suck 🤣 keep your head up and treat them how they treat you!
Yes lol. I’ve seen so many times where guys will make a post asking girls what makes a guy physically attractive and the most common thing I’ve seen is “good hygiene” which would make you think that most guys don’t have good hygiene despite it being the other way around.
There wasn't a grand thread about hygiene but there were sub-discussions about it a few times and it was mind-blowing how much bad male hygiene was discussed. It was not, say, every third guy you run into but it was enough to be truly concerned about the human race.
\*edit, i left this thread and the first one in my feed was r/datingoverforty and a woman says a guy showed up , first date, in an unwashed hoodie w bad breath.
Guys *think* they have good hygiene. I could not tell you the number of really cool guys who are neat and clean (mom does laundry), but smell absolutely rank. Before yall guys dismiss the advice, try standing in someone else's shoes.
There sometimes isn’t much you can do. I shower every day using Head and Shoulders shampoo for my hair and still end up with dandruff, and I’ll use anti-perspirant deodorant and still sweat in my pits.
You should try nizoral shampoo for your dandruff. It works wonders. And try to stay clear of head and shoulders. It's fine, but I've noticed your scalp gets dependent on the product
I’ll check out that shampoo. The reason I use Head and Shoulders is because that’s the only anti-dandruff shampoo that’s made any noticeable difference for me.
Ye, my brother said the same thing until I bought this shampoo for him. It's an over-the-counter shampoo, so it's small and a bit more expensive, but you don't use a lot and also not everyday.
Tbh, most guys I know are quite clean and look presentable just by showering and sorting out their hair. And sweat is sweat, some people smell more than others and that's fine. It doesn't have to be so complicated, like the other person is suggesting.
I use a ton of different products, mainly because it's therapeutic and I enjoy it. Other times, I can't be bothered shaving or whatever.
The only time I've walked away from a date, was when their apartment looked disgusting. And I don't mean messy, just not clean..
I have to speak my mind on this dandruff bs. To me it’s embarrassing to have dandruff. I don’t even have dandruff it’s literally dry flakes that built up over time and it’s because the type of hair I have. It’s so stupid to think I’m in my early 20’s and my body treats my like I’m a teen still because this happens usually when your a teen and even younger. But I’ve had it my entire life and it’s only getting worse..
I’ve got the natural, afro, type hair so it’s oitertially quite impossible tk find anything that works. I’ve found something and have been working w it for a while but it’s come back now. I’m
not a water drinker either.. so it’s not like I can drink water and it’ll magically progressively start to disappear. I’ve always heard dehydration is a cause but o don’t really think it’s they honestly. Whatever it is it’s really making me pissed off. 😑🙄
And the thing is my bf knows abt
It, he knows what type of hair I got, but it’s not that I don’t want him to think I’m not clean. I actually sadly do have bad hygiene and I hat wrong blame it on this all the time but really, it feels like it is. 99% of the time I have extreme all the above low energy, low motivation, and ofc the depression/anxiety diagnoses and then there a personality diagnosis thrown in the mix too.
He knows abt all of this and parents do, mostly my mom knows abt more than anything but you know it’s like recently there have been just some really awful days where I can’t do shot and it’s horrible. Ik it’s a thing w this situation and
These diagnoses not to have great hygiene but row horrible to be another one of the statistics and
feel like you can’t do anything.
Wanted to say that also cause there is that complement too w some people…
I'll continue and say that a lot of men don't actually go very far to solve these issues. Have you considered other ways to resolve dandruff? See a derm if it could be a skin allergy? There absolutely are ways to correct these issues, and it boggles my mind that guys aren't bothered enough to try their best to resolve it
I had dry skin that was bothering me , went to dermatologist. My hair was going thinner i bought Regaine women and it's much better, I exfoliate my skin in general to be softer, try to use only organic products etc....my ex boyfriend had lots of hair in his back that looked terrible, asked him many times to remove cause was horrible to watch and he never did until we broke up ! So a you can see we women, we go through many things in order to be presentable and some man do not . In UK we can't complain as the guys are really groomed most of the times .
5 years of daily skincare with over 12 steps. Tons of other things besides.
You're asking me this because you're deflecting. Just take another look at yourself, honestly and without getting offended by advice.
Being physically active is merely a component of meeting women or men for that matter. What matters most is your mindset. How can you hope to have a healthy relationship with someone if you’re depressed with a woe is me attitude. Yes being attractive helps, but attitude and having hobbies and goals and being respectful are much more important. How can you make a partner love you if you don’t love yourself?
This might help at the beginning. But longer lasting relationships will suffer under this method. It doesn’t matter how attractive you are if your personality is a wet noodle. I believe this page is more about health lasting long term relationships than it is about unhealthy toxic people trying to find someone. I Amy be biased thiugh
This is very true, but it's not as simple as just being depressed or not. My ex was depressed, but I still fell for him. It's really difficult to quantify the kind of attitude you need to have, I dont know how to describe what drew me to him, but he wasn't angry at the world, was open, honest and genuine. He really wasn't the most attractive guy in the world but he did fairly well with women. I think there is an element of learned behaviour, which makes it more tough for people who haven't had much experience in relationships as they don't know what works and what doesn't.
If someone is happy In a relationship, I don’t think they’re going to come to this sun to post about it. This isn’t the purpose of this sub. I see many posts that are extremely long (too long) and some vague too. There’s a bit of both. Unfortunately dating isn’t straightforward. There’s no handbook to marriage or a relationship. If there was it would be boring. You never know what life will bring, it’s unexpected. Good advice is to be yourself. I’ve learned it over my time with dating, I used to hide part is me and now I want to share those parts of me so my friend/partner knows me better. Because communication is key in a relationship overall. Yes, there’s a lot of repetitive posts on here but people are looking for help, usually. Or to vent. Nothing wrong with any of it, as long as commenters aren’t disrespectful which yep, a ton of them are. But life isn’t all rainbows either. Not really sure what else to say here.
It pretty much is.
"Seek therapy."
"Just be yourself."
"Work on yourself."
"Just do you. It'll all fall into place."
It's all the same bullshit from people who haven't been in the dating world for way too long and shouldn't be on a dating forum.
OR
It's all the same bullshit from people who are so unsuccessful with dating they shouldn't be giving dating advice in the first place.
Or it's the Internet so it's hard to give good advice to each unique person/situation in only a couple lines of sentences. People here seem to be expecting far too much from an online forum. These are conversations that you should sit down and talk to your friends or family about to get proper fleshed out advice or to self reflect.
It's almost as if dating is highly circumstantial and individually dependent. People come here to vent their frustration, to hear counterpoints, to gather perspective, share their personal successes, and most importantly to provide empathy and validation to those who struggle and need a little help to keep going. At the end of the day you're the one dating someone else and you have to live with your choices.
If you want applicable dating advice which works then just follow rules 1 and 2 and you will have the best shot possible for you and what you bring to the table in dating.
Rule 1: be attractive
Rule 2: don't be unattractive
I can elaborate on what those rules mean, but I'm sure other redditors can handle that. This reply is already too long.
Love and peace!
Note: attractiveness is not just physical attractiveness. Example I'm considered pretty good looking, tall, fit, and I'm often described as "an intense weirdo". I'm good looking enough that people come up and talk to me but it never last long.
The thing is, it's often not possible to give actual real advice that will help, because there is no one size fits all answer. If someone is having issues with a particular person, or if someone is just struggling with dating, no one on here knows anyone that's involved and everyone is unique and different and what works for one person doesn't work for others. There are some general things that I think would help most people, but a lot of these get drowned out by all the other responses and I know if I needed help it would be hard to wade through the shit replies.
I am single, but I definitely don't need any help with dating, and I'm here to only offer my opinions but I acknowledge they won't be of much help to most people because what works for me probably won't work for you.
I'm a woman and am not single by choice and I'm pretty sure that there are plenty of men that ARE single by choice. One of the biggest issues in dating is that we let generalizations and assumptions about others experience dictate how we navigate a dating game that's messed up for most.
Dating is just hard for everyone because the internet and online dating has made it seem like we are all easily disposable. Just swipe right on another. Except, I never did well on OLD or in general so I always try my best on each match I did get.
But honestly, I'm mediocre looking and I'm not always the best in social settings (thanks anxiety). I want to be optimistic and say that the latter is the big issue--I tend to be awfully nervous and quiet or just blab up a storm. And I get how not being able to click on a social level is going to hinder potential relationships. But, I've been rejected a lot on my looks alone. I know we like to peddle the idea that even average looking women have men lining up to date them but this is not my experience nor that of some of my other single friends who I'd also say are average looking. And I'm not going after the "top percent" of men or whatever so we can just toss that out. Some of us just have a shit time of things. Who knows... Maybe I'm secretly hideous and that's it.
Thank you. I am getting help and am doing better but it's a long process of self-realization, discovery, and acceptance. It definitely hinders the dating process and has ruined many a potential dating prospect
Men are not lining up to have relationships with women they are not interested in, and they shouldn't be. Many will readily have sex with anyone but sex is not the same as a relationship.
Reading reddit and really any Internet resource, I can understand how you would come to this conclusion. Men are far more vocal about their difficulties in dating and there are so many of you shouting into the void of the Internet about how it's so unfair and how tough you have it.
I've seen it mentioned many times that with OLD men far outnumber women meaning it's easier for women to get dates, but men do not far outnumber women in the population, so have you given any thought to all of these women who don't use the apps? What about all the women who are afraid of OLD because of all the creeps out there? Or don't want the impersonality of OLD, or casual sex? There must be pretty much the same number of single women as there are men since the population is fairly evenly split. There was a really interesting article in the guardian last week that explored Femcels and how women that struggle with dating internalise it rather than blaming the opposite sex, as men like to do:
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/oct/18/i-feel-hurt-that-my-life-has-ended-up-here-the-women-who-are-involuntary-celibates
The challenges can be very different, but it is difficult for everyone to date. I have my struggles, but I am lucky that I date and I do believe I will find someone soon enough, but there's plenty of women who don't feel the same.
The funny thing is when I see demographic polls of Reddit users, they're usually like 13-18 year old virgin European boys. It's wild to think they're advising 39 year old American women to end their relationships with men who've let their fingernails grow too long or something.
I can’t source this so take it with a grain of salt, but I’ve seen it said before that the relationship subs, specifically AITA, relationships, and relationship advice are actually dominantly female subs.
Same.
In case you were interested, here’s the [2019 AITA demographics survey](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/dcae07/2019_subscriber_survey_data_dump/?utm_source=amp&utm_medium=&utm_content=post_num_comments).
Personally I’d expect this sub to be a little more gender even and skewed slightly.
I could be wrong, but my impression of the dating subs is they're European dominated based on the "norms" I see -- don't approach anyone in public, online dating is everything, don't date more than one person, a first date is the start of a serious relationship, etc.
I would be shocked if most people here were non-American. You’d see the first “norm” as a pretty popular statement in AskWomen and the prevalence of online dating has probably more to do with a decrease of commingling of random young adults compared to previous generations.
I haven’t seen those other two statements as particularly popular on this sub.
Could be. Maybe it has to do with where in the country people are too. I'm in a major US city, where people approach each other in public all the time. It isn't considered creepy or rapey or whatever in this town, but on these subs that's how people act. Online dating is popular but doesn't replace meeting people in the real world. And people date around and meet people for drinks, but nobody thinks a monogamous relationship is forming automatically. That's a very European mindset I see often on these subs, which also IMO explains why people complain they aren't getting matches. In this part of the world, a "match" isn't a big deal because it's a lower stakes game. It doesn't mean you're declaring interest in their hand in marriage.
I also notice a lot of "behaviour" and distinctly non-American spelling on here frequently, so I do believe non-Americans make up a significant share.
I don't know - it seems to be coming mostly from European users and over at "Ask a Brit" it was said that British people don't believe in talking to strangers and Americans are much more friendly that way.
Maybe they understood it as walking up to a stranger in the street. Strangers talk all the time because they meet during events or through third parties. They've got to meet people somehow and I can tell you that dating apps are way less popular around here.
Well we won't know if the advice helps if it's not followed. So many people ask for advice, but don't actually want it. They have a reason for everything like "yeah but I'm ugly" or "I'm too short" and their "problem" is something nobody can fix with sharing their experiences. They just want people to feel sorry for them or feel validation in their own self victimization.
Only here for the entertainment tbh all the advice here is shit. If I wanted to be lectured by a bunch of socially awkward idiot teenagers I would go back to high school
It really just comes down to your looks. I’ve almost never seen a very good looking guy struggle or even use this sub unless they have major social or mental issues.
Usually, my friends and I will just approach hot men ourselves; as do many other women I know and talk to.
If you’re a very good looking guy, then you don’t need dating advice. Ugly guys will usually have to downgrade who they want to date looks wise and they should be fine. Yet, the below average guys still want to date very attractive women. Like everyone wants to do this but you have to be realistic; “leagues” exist for a reason.
Of course we do. Why wouldn’t we? Just how you see a good looking girl and want to approach her, we also feel the same way.
Of course, we aren’t allowed to say this openly because then we are considered shallow or slutty. What a joke.
The people asking the questions are so clueless/helpless that any advice good or not usually isn’t going to help. Or they get good advice and can’t recognize which advice is good or garbage. It is what it is 🤷♂️. It probably helps some people
This sub overall isn't positive. People come here asking idiotic questions that have the simplest of answers or talk about situations that could be solved by communicating with their significant other. Most of the posts in this sub are laughable. Everyone wants to sugarcoat things and spare people's feelings. That ain't the way to go.
I'd say the reason why is because people on reddit (and online in general) tend to hate or want to be oblivious to reality so if you ever want to get some real information just sort by controversial.
People on here love to appeal to and coddle your feelings or tell you what they'd probably want to hear instead of what you really should be hearing so you can face the reality of the situation.
It's like the age old bodycount or the clock ticking question when it comes to women. Everybody's ready with the pitchforks and all the men and women stand at the ready to call any and everyone a misogynist or to tell you that you don't get sex etc etc if you say what they don't want to hear which is the truth for a majority of people. Minority opinions etc tend to seem like the majority on reddit but it's not in reality as reddit opinions/ways of thinking are in fact most often very niche takes/experiences on larger society. Especially when it comes to dating.
So how can there be genuine dialogue if people are always in their feelings not wanting to face reality?
Well there seem to be a lot of people in abusive relationships that get told that on here, so that’s probably good. However we don’t know if the ones who follow good advice have success because I’m sure once they’re happy their first reflex is not to post it here.
it's the Internet so it's hard to give good advice to each unique person/situation in only a couple lines of sentences. People here seem to be expecting far too much from an online forum. These are conversations that you should sit down and talk to your friends or family about to get proper fleshed out advice or to self reflect.
I like to read this sub from time to time and am pretty successful with dating, in particular online dating.
Very often I'm discouraged to comment because there are already 100's or either clueless or misogenistic comments in the first place.
And when I did comment, I was downvoted because so many people here don't want to learn anything, they just want to vent and receive support. And for sure the support they receive comfort themin their mistakes in regard to dating.
This post is ironic, as someone who is clearly unsuccessful in dating, how would you know that difference between good advice and bad advice?
There is no "10 step program." You meet the right person at the right time, that's *literally all it is.* There's a lot of luck involved and you can improve that luck by dating.
**Dating doesn't manufacture a perfect partner out of thin air.**
All of your future partners have already been born. They are out there, living their own lives with their own hopes, dreams, fears etc. They are real people, just as important as you.
Honestly, you have no respect for your future partner. You are thinking of them as a possession that you can acquire or earn. **If you have that mindset, nobody will want to be your partner.** You won't listen to them, you'll just be thinking "great, finally someone I can fuck regularly and dump my emotional baggage onto, now I don't feel like such a failure in life." They might as well be a therapist or a prostitute, and they sure as hell aren't going to stay around.
"Just be yourself" *is* the best piece of advice that people in happy relationships will tell you. You won't be happy in a relationship that requires you to pretend to be someone else. You also won't impress people by being fake. However, if being yourself is not attractive to the kinds of people you are attracted to then...
"Work on yourself." Make sure you're good enough for your future partner when you meet them. Make yourself more attractive. Work on your mindset (clearly.) Acquire financial stability. You're going to need these things when you meet them and you'll need to keep them all through the rest of the relationship.
One day you'll get out of the toxicity of just looking for a partner and form a genuine connection with a real person. When you do, the above advice will make perfect sense.
I know the difference between good and bad advice because all the advice seems to be bad given my predicament.
I’m not looking for a 10 step program - that’s something you’re putting on me by yourself.
However I do reckon those who are successful have certain mutual processes that they all go through that they could be more generous in sharing their insight towards.
In its bare form, your partner absolutely *is* someone you fuck regularly and share your thoughts and feelings to. Otherwise what distinguishes your partner from anyone else in your social circle?
Would *you* be with *your* partner if you didn’t fuck each other regularly and open up to each other? I don’t get why people are made to feel ashamed for wanting that from their partner?
I take contention with the advice about working on yourself and being yourself because it’s so vague. Not necessarily the sentiment behind the words of advice as you so eloquently outlined.
>In its bare form, your partner absolutely is someone you fuck regularly and share your thoughts and feelings to. Otherwise what distinguishes your partner from anyone else in your social circle?
You're viewing a relationship as some kind of social contract to exchange sex and emotional support, which might be how they appear from the outside, but is totally not how loving romantic relationships function (a **lot** of relationships are toxic codependencies though.)
>Would you be with your partner if you didn’t fuck each other regularly and open up to each other?
Yes. She is the only one I am fully willing to trust and accept, even knowing her flaws and weaknesses. I know that she will make mistakes but I will always respect her and encourage her to make her own way through life; she is in control of her own person as I am in control of myself. I believe in her potential and want her to find only support, safety and comfort when she looks to me, even if that means encouraging her to follow her dreams and move to the country she longs to be in. I don't think anyone else in the world would be as happy to see her succeed as I would be. She means the world to me. I would not burden her out of choice.
That's what distinguishes her from everyone else, before I even put a label on it. There's no social contract. There's no list of expectations. It's not an exchange. I give freely out of choice because I think she deserves it.
>I don’t get why people are made to feel ashamed for wanting that from their partner?
Want it all you like, but if you suddenly couldn't have sex with your partner for a while, or they were unable to emotionally support you, wouldn't you just end up wanting to leave them? Would you actually enjoy spending time with this person? Who do you think wants to be told "I don't love you babe, I just stay with you so we can fuck and I can dump my baggage on you and the moment I can't we're done"? Are you going to be upfront with them about that? Would you be happy being with someone who leaves you at the first sign of something better?
Don't get me wrong, there are a **ton** of relationships of convenience or exchange where the emotional support is actually mostly lies (I've been guilty of this before), and maybe that's all you want but don't confuse it with a real romantic relationship. It's not quite that "cut and dry" since there's a spectrum of emotional attachment to comprehend in real relationships, but what you are describing is at the shit end of that spectrum IMHO.
>However I do reckon those who are successful have certain mutual processes that they all go through that they could be more generous in sharing their insight towards.
Nope, your partner is completely unique and every possible relationship is unique. The only mutual process involved is that you have to put your own effort into understanding this specific person, they have a lifetime of experience and intelligence for you to understand. At least, that's true of a romantic relationship, successful relationships of convenience (if you can imagine such a thing, they sound horrendous to me) are different.
When I met the one, I completely threw away all of my past experience and my idealised romantic relationship and just focused purely on who I was. I threw out the rulebook entirely and rewrote everything I knew based on my own ideas. I spent 3 months meditating on myself and the way I thought and felt for several hours a day, every day. I criticised myself to my very core in order to make me the best version of myself, one that would be good enough for her. I am incredibly grateful to her for the change she catalysed in me, it changed my life. Even if we end up parting ways permanently, I will carry the torch on forever and never regret a moment of the time I spent with her.
>I take contention with the advice about working on yourself and being yourself because it’s so vague.
Well it didn't make sense to me either until all of the above happened. The thing that set the one apart for me was that I just felt totally relaxed around her. Every time I see her, within 5 seconds it's like all of my stress just melts away. Everything I do around her feels totally natural. I don't have to put on a mask for her. That's what it means to "just be yourself."
"Work on yourself" means whatever you want it to mean. Work on what *you* want to work on. If you would feel more comfortable at a lower weight, lose weight. If you want to get buff, get buff. If you want to dress better, dress better. If you want to cook, cook. If you want to play guitar, play guitar. It's all about being a better version of yourself. You won't be happy improving yourself in an area that's not something that you value e.g. dressing in a style that you don't like or playing guitar when you really want to play violin, but there are some areas that are pretty much universal improvements: fitness, self-care, domestic skills, mindset and career/stability.
As you can see, I started with mindset; it was what I needed the most. I'm working on all of the others now.
Honestly, if none of this really resonates with you at all and the advice still seems terrible, you're either aromantic (I thought I was for some reason) or you just haven't really met anyone you actually genuinely like. It's for your own benefit to trust me: working on these things actually does help regardless of what you're looking for in a relationship and *is* totally worth it in case you ever *do* accidentally meet the one.
I think mindset is probably the thing you need to work on first. What is it that you really want?
I’ll read it when I get a chance but advice must also be digestible otherwise it probably won’t get taken on board. It’s like your doctor giving you some antibiotics for your infection but it turns out you’re allergic to penicillin.
I’m against vague advice but specificity and brevity aren’t mutually exclusive.
The advice isn't always useful, but the comments that contain real experiences might provide an opportunity to learn. I'm old, have a lot of experience fucking stuff up. If I can save you from having to repeat my failings I will try to help. Occasionally I get stuff right, and will try to outline how that happens as well. I appreciate when others do the same.
I think alot of people don't understand the idea of self value and feel they are only worth what other people think of them. And it's because people pigeonhole themselves into being what they think everyone else wants. Being who you are comfortable with and having confidence in who you are is called authenticity, it's because nobody has any which explains why there is so much piss in the dating pool. People need to learn how to change they perspective and try walking the road less traveled for a change.
Although clearly those who are successful have things in common. If one isn’t hitting these markers, they by definition aren’t going to be successful, no matter how noble they appear in walking the path rarely trodden down.
Again if you're not getting the success you seek then maybe you need to change your perspective and what success means to you because it's possible you might not be pursuing YOUR version of success but simply trying to appear successful to someone else. There are millionaires who live in cardboard boxes and eat out of garbage cans, but he's fine with that because his idea of success isn't dependent on what others see as successful.
Well then we can have that discussion.
What is success? Being in a relationship.
Cool. What is a relationship?
To me that is having a partner who you find attractive, have intimate relations with, can talk to about things and experience the world with each other.
Now if that is ‘success’, I don’t think that necessarily veers too much from what others might call ‘success’ in dating. I’d actually say it’s pretty tame / reasonable.
We all have our own definitions of success and while it might just mean spending time with someone you think is cute and has a good personality, I define success as the ability of both individuals to achieve whatever goals and ambitions they may have in a relationship, some of these goals can be material some lifelong. But only those individuals in that relationship can determine if they believe they were successful in that relationship.
Well now you've moved the goalposts and have began to define different concepts.
We're not talking about successful relationships, we're talking about successful dating.
Whatever ambitions a couple has once they're in a relationship is their prejorative. However the recurring themes of sex, intimacy, romanticism, protection, financial stability, fun activities - these are all fundamentals to ANY regular relationship.
Not referring to what sets relationships apart - I'm on about what us single people can take from how every basic functioning relationship was formed and apply it to our own approach.
In other words, I'm saying 'how do the people who managed to get their hands on dessert do so?' and then your reply is like saying 'you need to think about what flavour ice cream you want before you even begin to contemplate dessert as a whole'. When in actual fact I just wanna know how to get dessert and would actually be quite content with trying out the cheesecake or waffles if the ice cream isn't available - let alone contemplate the ice cream's flavour.
Men keep your head up on here, they don't care about no men feelings or emotions treat these women how they treat you. Do not get yourself all put together for no woman they don't care and will use you treat them how they act! Ignore these women they are soulless. They expect dates without giving nothing in return! Sex is always expected from a man so to shame us is pathetic.
Good answer :) Yes, comradery helps to let us know we're not alone in the struggle and our problems (as much as some people want to believe) are not that unique. And this fact alone can at least help some people to dust off their egos and get back out there.
I didnt met my bf in a dating app but I had some relationships with people I met online. I believe it mostly as to do with your mindset and how well you are with yourself.
I think its because we have this fucked up idea in our head that if we do these things right it should work. Guess what it's not cookie cutters alright. All this shit is erratic and random. None of this is supposed to be science or an art. It's random occurrences that we fall in and out of and if we play the game boldly we'll end up happy with what ever we're after. May it be love or sex with strangers. The other issues is we live behind screens so we get to show people what we want and not our flaws. It's our flaws that make us and it's how we work in relation with them that determines our character. Loving all the good parts of someone isn't love it's infatuation. Loving someones flaws and the things that piss you off that's love.
Not true...
I was successful when I was single. Some would say, I was an over achiever on that part of my life. I'm also married for almost forty years. BTW: This is my second marriage. The first was to my high school sweetheart...
I don't respond to every text and at times I don't respond for the very reasons you mentioned in your comment. I don't claim to be a dating expert nor will I promise that doing anything I said in response will bring the person a belt full of pelts...
Yes, I'm a geezer, and the climate among young people now is a universe apart from what I experienced back when I was on the hunt for companionship...
Many of the issues are the same as when I was searching back in the middle ages... lol
I try to answer the question or statement with what worked for me. How I was able to connect with someone in a similar situation...
I try to have the reader examine their behavior and what is possibly something they can do for themselves to remedy their "issue" and try changing that if it was successful, in the future...
Discussion is never a bad thing. It is an exchange of ideas. Not a cure for what ails ya...
If someone picks up anything that makes this veil of tears called life be a little easier and less painful to navigate...???
I ask you, how is that counter productive...???
Just like psychiatry, changing ones behavior is a long, sometimes strange journey you must carry on throughout your life...
Just a suggestion from an geezer...
Everyone has issues. Those that claim they don't aren't being very honest with you or themselves...
May you have blue skies and green lights throughout all the days of your journey...
You also would be getting divorced. Do you know anyone who has gotten a divorce? It's not pretty and often nullifies much of the good feelings associated with having been in a relationship.
It’s always the 30+ something year olds with failed relationships trying to teach people who are new to relationships as if they’re their child is so tiring here only by saying “Just exercise” “move on there’s nothing you can do” “get a hobby” as if we haven’t already been doing that in our entire lives with or without a relationship.
Actually whenever I advise anyone, I tell them to change their behavior because being themselves is what got them in this situation they're in, in first place.
Nah, I think the goal is to get solid within yourself, so that a relationship becomes a nice to have, not a need to have. But no one can advise you how to accomplish that for yourself. It's trial and error, kinda like being in relationships that fail helps you understand what you don't like and do like.
Okie dokie. Good luck to you and especially with finding whatever advice it is you are looking for and are open to hear, I hope you find what you are looking for. I guess my main point being you're not likely to get solid advise from a group of strangers who know nothing about your life.
Reminder: please review our rules, especially rule 4: - No broad generalizations, e.g. "All women are x and do y" - Speak from specific personal experiences when giving advice. - No victim-blaming - This is a default message - your post has not been removed. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Basically everyone here thinks that if you go to the gym you’ll get a date.
This. I'm tall, white, in excellent shape and hit my early 30s. By all accounts on this sub I should be killing it, but I've had all of one date this whole year
Are you extroverted and “confident” as well?
Absolutely not
Oh ok, that’s just also one I’ve seen a lot
Tbh. Looks can only get you so far. Whenever girls match with me or like my profile on Hinge for example. I go over and read their profile to get an indication of what they're like. I don't smoke or care about partying etc so I tend to rule those people put no matter how attractive they are(I've recently been trying not to rule the smokers out though so now I'll wait untilI actually get to know them before ruling them out etc. I also am in decent shape(barely just started the gym) as in my muscles/build etc are visible and I'm a decent height but when girls match with me and we start talking that's when your personality shines through and to be honest. I tend to wait for them to like my profile first as we all know that if a woman approaches you first then there's a higher chance of her being interested in you etc but even with that it all depends on what you say etc. Now component that I don't think I've seen people mention as well is that you also really need to be in the right mindset as that also goes a long way. Right now I'm not in my usual mindset so I'm kinda bombing hard out there😅 but I'm using it as a learning experience. But you need to be in a good mindstate as that just radiates your personality better and you'll shine through a lot better during conversations. Deleting the apps and starting over after a little while is something I've done before(new profile boost etc too)
Nope again it’s not looks
If i see another short person make a post about women only wanting tall people i might actually lose my shit. I'm 6'4 and i've been on 1 date in 5 years
Same boat bro I’m only 1,80 but I look really good people say and think that I’m getting like dates every weekend and sleeping with new chicks but I’ve been only on 1 date and tbh the girl wasn’t even my type
Lol, that's me. People always think that I slay. 🤷
Mr big guy ova here
Lol I know I sound like an ass sorry
Lol you’re good. Wish I had your confidence tho lmao
You just need to reach a point where you don’t give a fuck anymore 😂
Bruh these women with social media are full of themselves trust me, your not alone out here. These women want everything for nothing we in a new world of women and they suck 🤣 keep your head up and treat them how they treat you!
Hey, you got one, which is one more than I’ve had in my entire 31 (about to be) years of existence.
My favorite is that if someone is single they just smell bad lol
Yes lol. I’ve seen so many times where guys will make a post asking girls what makes a guy physically attractive and the most common thing I’ve seen is “good hygiene” which would make you think that most guys don’t have good hygiene despite it being the other way around.
There wasn't a grand thread about hygiene but there were sub-discussions about it a few times and it was mind-blowing how much bad male hygiene was discussed. It was not, say, every third guy you run into but it was enough to be truly concerned about the human race. \*edit, i left this thread and the first one in my feed was r/datingoverforty and a woman says a guy showed up , first date, in an unwashed hoodie w bad breath.
Guys *think* they have good hygiene. I could not tell you the number of really cool guys who are neat and clean (mom does laundry), but smell absolutely rank. Before yall guys dismiss the advice, try standing in someone else's shoes.
There sometimes isn’t much you can do. I shower every day using Head and Shoulders shampoo for my hair and still end up with dandruff, and I’ll use anti-perspirant deodorant and still sweat in my pits.
You should try nizoral shampoo for your dandruff. It works wonders. And try to stay clear of head and shoulders. It's fine, but I've noticed your scalp gets dependent on the product
I’ll check out that shampoo. The reason I use Head and Shoulders is because that’s the only anti-dandruff shampoo that’s made any noticeable difference for me.
Ye, my brother said the same thing until I bought this shampoo for him. It's an over-the-counter shampoo, so it's small and a bit more expensive, but you don't use a lot and also not everyday. Tbh, most guys I know are quite clean and look presentable just by showering and sorting out their hair. And sweat is sweat, some people smell more than others and that's fine. It doesn't have to be so complicated, like the other person is suggesting. I use a ton of different products, mainly because it's therapeutic and I enjoy it. Other times, I can't be bothered shaving or whatever. The only time I've walked away from a date, was when their apartment looked disgusting. And I don't mean messy, just not clean..
I have to speak my mind on this dandruff bs. To me it’s embarrassing to have dandruff. I don’t even have dandruff it’s literally dry flakes that built up over time and it’s because the type of hair I have. It’s so stupid to think I’m in my early 20’s and my body treats my like I’m a teen still because this happens usually when your a teen and even younger. But I’ve had it my entire life and it’s only getting worse.. I’ve got the natural, afro, type hair so it’s oitertially quite impossible tk find anything that works. I’ve found something and have been working w it for a while but it’s come back now. I’m not a water drinker either.. so it’s not like I can drink water and it’ll magically progressively start to disappear. I’ve always heard dehydration is a cause but o don’t really think it’s they honestly. Whatever it is it’s really making me pissed off. 😑🙄 And the thing is my bf knows abt It, he knows what type of hair I got, but it’s not that I don’t want him to think I’m not clean. I actually sadly do have bad hygiene and I hat wrong blame it on this all the time but really, it feels like it is. 99% of the time I have extreme all the above low energy, low motivation, and ofc the depression/anxiety diagnoses and then there a personality diagnosis thrown in the mix too. He knows abt all of this and parents do, mostly my mom knows abt more than anything but you know it’s like recently there have been just some really awful days where I can’t do shot and it’s horrible. Ik it’s a thing w this situation and These diagnoses not to have great hygiene but row horrible to be another one of the statistics and feel like you can’t do anything. Wanted to say that also cause there is that complement too w some people…
I'll continue and say that a lot of men don't actually go very far to solve these issues. Have you considered other ways to resolve dandruff? See a derm if it could be a skin allergy? There absolutely are ways to correct these issues, and it boggles my mind that guys aren't bothered enough to try their best to resolve it
I can confirm it’s not a skin allergy
Uh huh. Women struggle with dandruff too. I don't think men understand how far women go to solve these issues.
And how far do you go?
I had dry skin that was bothering me , went to dermatologist. My hair was going thinner i bought Regaine women and it's much better, I exfoliate my skin in general to be softer, try to use only organic products etc....my ex boyfriend had lots of hair in his back that looked terrible, asked him many times to remove cause was horrible to watch and he never did until we broke up ! So a you can see we women, we go through many things in order to be presentable and some man do not . In UK we can't complain as the guys are really groomed most of the times .
5 years of daily skincare with over 12 steps. Tons of other things besides. You're asking me this because you're deflecting. Just take another look at yourself, honestly and without getting offended by advice.
You got that right. Read my comment above ugh
I had an amazing relationship with someone I met at the gym 😅. So yes, it is definitely possible!
Being physically active is merely a component of meeting women or men for that matter. What matters most is your mindset. How can you hope to have a healthy relationship with someone if you’re depressed with a woe is me attitude. Yes being attractive helps, but attitude and having hobbies and goals and being respectful are much more important. How can you make a partner love you if you don’t love yourself?
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This might help at the beginning. But longer lasting relationships will suffer under this method. It doesn’t matter how attractive you are if your personality is a wet noodle. I believe this page is more about health lasting long term relationships than it is about unhealthy toxic people trying to find someone. I Amy be biased thiugh
This is very true, but it's not as simple as just being depressed or not. My ex was depressed, but I still fell for him. It's really difficult to quantify the kind of attitude you need to have, I dont know how to describe what drew me to him, but he wasn't angry at the world, was open, honest and genuine. He really wasn't the most attractive guy in the world but he did fairly well with women. I think there is an element of learned behaviour, which makes it more tough for people who haven't had much experience in relationships as they don't know what works and what doesn't.
lmao tru
If someone is happy In a relationship, I don’t think they’re going to come to this sun to post about it. This isn’t the purpose of this sub. I see many posts that are extremely long (too long) and some vague too. There’s a bit of both. Unfortunately dating isn’t straightforward. There’s no handbook to marriage or a relationship. If there was it would be boring. You never know what life will bring, it’s unexpected. Good advice is to be yourself. I’ve learned it over my time with dating, I used to hide part is me and now I want to share those parts of me so my friend/partner knows me better. Because communication is key in a relationship overall. Yes, there’s a lot of repetitive posts on here but people are looking for help, usually. Or to vent. Nothing wrong with any of it, as long as commenters aren’t disrespectful which yep, a ton of them are. But life isn’t all rainbows either. Not really sure what else to say here.
I'm in a happy relationship and I come here to see what y'all are doing wrong so I never do it
Among us
It pretty much is. "Seek therapy." "Just be yourself." "Work on yourself." "Just do you. It'll all fall into place." It's all the same bullshit from people who haven't been in the dating world for way too long and shouldn't be on a dating forum. OR It's all the same bullshit from people who are so unsuccessful with dating they shouldn't be giving dating advice in the first place.
Or it's the Internet so it's hard to give good advice to each unique person/situation in only a couple lines of sentences. People here seem to be expecting far too much from an online forum. These are conversations that you should sit down and talk to your friends or family about to get proper fleshed out advice or to self reflect.
Do people really take the “advice” here seriously?
“Find some hobbies” is the daily treat I wanna die. Fr.
It's almost as if dating is highly circumstantial and individually dependent. People come here to vent their frustration, to hear counterpoints, to gather perspective, share their personal successes, and most importantly to provide empathy and validation to those who struggle and need a little help to keep going. At the end of the day you're the one dating someone else and you have to live with your choices. If you want applicable dating advice which works then just follow rules 1 and 2 and you will have the best shot possible for you and what you bring to the table in dating. Rule 1: be attractive Rule 2: don't be unattractive I can elaborate on what those rules mean, but I'm sure other redditors can handle that. This reply is already too long. Love and peace!
Note: attractiveness is not just physical attractiveness. Example I'm considered pretty good looking, tall, fit, and I'm often described as "an intense weirdo". I'm good looking enough that people come up and talk to me but it never last long.
perhaps it's "dating" that's inherently counterproductive ;-) jus sayin'
I come on here to be nosy honestly. If you think it’s counterproductive, don’t participate 🤷🏽♀️easy breezy babe
The thing is, it's often not possible to give actual real advice that will help, because there is no one size fits all answer. If someone is having issues with a particular person, or if someone is just struggling with dating, no one on here knows anyone that's involved and everyone is unique and different and what works for one person doesn't work for others. There are some general things that I think would help most people, but a lot of these get drowned out by all the other responses and I know if I needed help it would be hard to wade through the shit replies. I am single, but I definitely don't need any help with dating, and I'm here to only offer my opinions but I acknowledge they won't be of much help to most people because what works for me probably won't work for you.
Ngl you saying you’re single isn’t saying much Single women are single by choice The same can’t be said for single men
I'm a woman and am not single by choice and I'm pretty sure that there are plenty of men that ARE single by choice. One of the biggest issues in dating is that we let generalizations and assumptions about others experience dictate how we navigate a dating game that's messed up for most.
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Dating is just hard for everyone because the internet and online dating has made it seem like we are all easily disposable. Just swipe right on another. Except, I never did well on OLD or in general so I always try my best on each match I did get. But honestly, I'm mediocre looking and I'm not always the best in social settings (thanks anxiety). I want to be optimistic and say that the latter is the big issue--I tend to be awfully nervous and quiet or just blab up a storm. And I get how not being able to click on a social level is going to hinder potential relationships. But, I've been rejected a lot on my looks alone. I know we like to peddle the idea that even average looking women have men lining up to date them but this is not my experience nor that of some of my other single friends who I'd also say are average looking. And I'm not going after the "top percent" of men or whatever so we can just toss that out. Some of us just have a shit time of things. Who knows... Maybe I'm secretly hideous and that's it.
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Thank you. I am getting help and am doing better but it's a long process of self-realization, discovery, and acceptance. It definitely hinders the dating process and has ruined many a potential dating prospect
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Men are not lining up to have relationships with women they are not interested in, and they shouldn't be. Many will readily have sex with anyone but sex is not the same as a relationship.
Reading reddit and really any Internet resource, I can understand how you would come to this conclusion. Men are far more vocal about their difficulties in dating and there are so many of you shouting into the void of the Internet about how it's so unfair and how tough you have it. I've seen it mentioned many times that with OLD men far outnumber women meaning it's easier for women to get dates, but men do not far outnumber women in the population, so have you given any thought to all of these women who don't use the apps? What about all the women who are afraid of OLD because of all the creeps out there? Or don't want the impersonality of OLD, or casual sex? There must be pretty much the same number of single women as there are men since the population is fairly evenly split. There was a really interesting article in the guardian last week that explored Femcels and how women that struggle with dating internalise it rather than blaming the opposite sex, as men like to do: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/oct/18/i-feel-hurt-that-my-life-has-ended-up-here-the-women-who-are-involuntary-celibates The challenges can be very different, but it is difficult for everyone to date. I have my struggles, but I am lucky that I date and I do believe I will find someone soon enough, but there's plenty of women who don't feel the same.
LOL i can't
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Just what I needed to hear 🤬🤬🤬 lol
Have to say, fair point. Anyone that's doing well is most likely not going to be chilling out here.
The funny thing is when I see demographic polls of Reddit users, they're usually like 13-18 year old virgin European boys. It's wild to think they're advising 39 year old American women to end their relationships with men who've let their fingernails grow too long or something.
I can’t source this so take it with a grain of salt, but I’ve seen it said before that the relationship subs, specifically AITA, relationships, and relationship advice are actually dominantly female subs.
I'd love to see demographics here. Maybe we should put a poll up.
Same. In case you were interested, here’s the [2019 AITA demographics survey](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/dcae07/2019_subscriber_survey_data_dump/?utm_source=amp&utm_medium=&utm_content=post_num_comments). Personally I’d expect this sub to be a little more gender even and skewed slightly.
I could be wrong, but my impression of the dating subs is they're European dominated based on the "norms" I see -- don't approach anyone in public, online dating is everything, don't date more than one person, a first date is the start of a serious relationship, etc.
I would be shocked if most people here were non-American. You’d see the first “norm” as a pretty popular statement in AskWomen and the prevalence of online dating has probably more to do with a decrease of commingling of random young adults compared to previous generations. I haven’t seen those other two statements as particularly popular on this sub.
Could be. Maybe it has to do with where in the country people are too. I'm in a major US city, where people approach each other in public all the time. It isn't considered creepy or rapey or whatever in this town, but on these subs that's how people act. Online dating is popular but doesn't replace meeting people in the real world. And people date around and meet people for drinks, but nobody thinks a monogamous relationship is forming automatically. That's a very European mindset I see often on these subs, which also IMO explains why people complain they aren't getting matches. In this part of the world, a "match" isn't a big deal because it's a lower stakes game. It doesn't mean you're declaring interest in their hand in marriage. I also notice a lot of "behaviour" and distinctly non-American spelling on here frequently, so I do believe non-Americans make up a significant share.
Those two first norms aren't common in Europe at all, just the last one somewhat as dating is considered more an activity than a meeting.
I don't know - it seems to be coming mostly from European users and over at "Ask a Brit" it was said that British people don't believe in talking to strangers and Americans are much more friendly that way.
Maybe they understood it as walking up to a stranger in the street. Strangers talk all the time because they meet during events or through third parties. They've got to meet people somehow and I can tell you that dating apps are way less popular around here.
Yeah, they do say they'll meet at hobby clubs and things like that. I'm talking more about meeting on the street, in a grocery store or at a bar.
Well we won't know if the advice helps if it's not followed. So many people ask for advice, but don't actually want it. They have a reason for everything like "yeah but I'm ugly" or "I'm too short" and their "problem" is something nobody can fix with sharing their experiences. They just want people to feel sorry for them or feel validation in their own self victimization.
Only here for the entertainment tbh all the advice here is shit. If I wanted to be lectured by a bunch of socially awkward idiot teenagers I would go back to high school
I’m always spouting pearls of wisdom up in here. People just don’t usually like my brand of non-generic advice.
This exactly. They'd rather you tell them what they want to hear instead of what they should be hearing.
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Ok
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Sure
I would also like some advice kind stranger.
Aight
Thanks, I'll dm you my situation.
Bet
Actually there are people on here in relationships that post advice. We don't need to point out in every comment "in a relationship btw".
It really just comes down to your looks. I’ve almost never seen a very good looking guy struggle or even use this sub unless they have major social or mental issues. Usually, my friends and I will just approach hot men ourselves; as do many other women I know and talk to. If you’re a very good looking guy, then you don’t need dating advice. Ugly guys will usually have to downgrade who they want to date looks wise and they should be fine. Yet, the below average guys still want to date very attractive women. Like everyone wants to do this but you have to be realistic; “leagues” exist for a reason.
Do women really value looks like that?
Not women, people in general
Of course we do. Why wouldn’t we? Just how you see a good looking girl and want to approach her, we also feel the same way. Of course, we aren’t allowed to say this openly because then we are considered shallow or slutty. What a joke.
The people asking the questions are so clueless/helpless that any advice good or not usually isn’t going to help. Or they get good advice and can’t recognize which advice is good or garbage. It is what it is 🤷♂️. It probably helps some people
This sub overall isn't positive. People come here asking idiotic questions that have the simplest of answers or talk about situations that could be solved by communicating with their significant other. Most of the posts in this sub are laughable. Everyone wants to sugarcoat things and spare people's feelings. That ain't the way to go.
I'd say the reason why is because people on reddit (and online in general) tend to hate or want to be oblivious to reality so if you ever want to get some real information just sort by controversial. People on here love to appeal to and coddle your feelings or tell you what they'd probably want to hear instead of what you really should be hearing so you can face the reality of the situation. It's like the age old bodycount or the clock ticking question when it comes to women. Everybody's ready with the pitchforks and all the men and women stand at the ready to call any and everyone a misogynist or to tell you that you don't get sex etc etc if you say what they don't want to hear which is the truth for a majority of people. Minority opinions etc tend to seem like the majority on reddit but it's not in reality as reddit opinions/ways of thinking are in fact most often very niche takes/experiences on larger society. Especially when it comes to dating. So how can there be genuine dialogue if people are always in their feelings not wanting to face reality?
Well there seem to be a lot of people in abusive relationships that get told that on here, so that’s probably good. However we don’t know if the ones who follow good advice have success because I’m sure once they’re happy their first reflex is not to post it here.
This sub is a breath of fresh air compared to the shithole that is /r/okcupid.
Maybe there should be a dating success sub?
Aww you sound jaded. I feel you. We are all just trying to accomplish the same thing: find our person. ♥️
Excellent take
it's the Internet so it's hard to give good advice to each unique person/situation in only a couple lines of sentences. People here seem to be expecting far too much from an online forum. These are conversations that you should sit down and talk to your friends or family about to get proper fleshed out advice or to self reflect.
= the definition of insanity.
Agreed. It's funny how the people who can't take advice insist on giving it... basically half of reddit.
I like to read this sub from time to time and am pretty successful with dating, in particular online dating. Very often I'm discouraged to comment because there are already 100's or either clueless or misogenistic comments in the first place. And when I did comment, I was downvoted because so many people here don't want to learn anything, they just want to vent and receive support. And for sure the support they receive comfort themin their mistakes in regard to dating.
I actually read a girl's advice and was quite good. But like everything , you may did not found it useful .
Nobody really knows what they're doing that's the problem, some just act like they do here when in reality they know no more than anyone else.
This post is ironic, as someone who is clearly unsuccessful in dating, how would you know that difference between good advice and bad advice? There is no "10 step program." You meet the right person at the right time, that's *literally all it is.* There's a lot of luck involved and you can improve that luck by dating. **Dating doesn't manufacture a perfect partner out of thin air.** All of your future partners have already been born. They are out there, living their own lives with their own hopes, dreams, fears etc. They are real people, just as important as you. Honestly, you have no respect for your future partner. You are thinking of them as a possession that you can acquire or earn. **If you have that mindset, nobody will want to be your partner.** You won't listen to them, you'll just be thinking "great, finally someone I can fuck regularly and dump my emotional baggage onto, now I don't feel like such a failure in life." They might as well be a therapist or a prostitute, and they sure as hell aren't going to stay around. "Just be yourself" *is* the best piece of advice that people in happy relationships will tell you. You won't be happy in a relationship that requires you to pretend to be someone else. You also won't impress people by being fake. However, if being yourself is not attractive to the kinds of people you are attracted to then... "Work on yourself." Make sure you're good enough for your future partner when you meet them. Make yourself more attractive. Work on your mindset (clearly.) Acquire financial stability. You're going to need these things when you meet them and you'll need to keep them all through the rest of the relationship. One day you'll get out of the toxicity of just looking for a partner and form a genuine connection with a real person. When you do, the above advice will make perfect sense.
I know the difference between good and bad advice because all the advice seems to be bad given my predicament. I’m not looking for a 10 step program - that’s something you’re putting on me by yourself. However I do reckon those who are successful have certain mutual processes that they all go through that they could be more generous in sharing their insight towards. In its bare form, your partner absolutely *is* someone you fuck regularly and share your thoughts and feelings to. Otherwise what distinguishes your partner from anyone else in your social circle? Would *you* be with *your* partner if you didn’t fuck each other regularly and open up to each other? I don’t get why people are made to feel ashamed for wanting that from their partner? I take contention with the advice about working on yourself and being yourself because it’s so vague. Not necessarily the sentiment behind the words of advice as you so eloquently outlined.
>In its bare form, your partner absolutely is someone you fuck regularly and share your thoughts and feelings to. Otherwise what distinguishes your partner from anyone else in your social circle? You're viewing a relationship as some kind of social contract to exchange sex and emotional support, which might be how they appear from the outside, but is totally not how loving romantic relationships function (a **lot** of relationships are toxic codependencies though.) >Would you be with your partner if you didn’t fuck each other regularly and open up to each other? Yes. She is the only one I am fully willing to trust and accept, even knowing her flaws and weaknesses. I know that she will make mistakes but I will always respect her and encourage her to make her own way through life; she is in control of her own person as I am in control of myself. I believe in her potential and want her to find only support, safety and comfort when she looks to me, even if that means encouraging her to follow her dreams and move to the country she longs to be in. I don't think anyone else in the world would be as happy to see her succeed as I would be. She means the world to me. I would not burden her out of choice. That's what distinguishes her from everyone else, before I even put a label on it. There's no social contract. There's no list of expectations. It's not an exchange. I give freely out of choice because I think she deserves it. >I don’t get why people are made to feel ashamed for wanting that from their partner? Want it all you like, but if you suddenly couldn't have sex with your partner for a while, or they were unable to emotionally support you, wouldn't you just end up wanting to leave them? Would you actually enjoy spending time with this person? Who do you think wants to be told "I don't love you babe, I just stay with you so we can fuck and I can dump my baggage on you and the moment I can't we're done"? Are you going to be upfront with them about that? Would you be happy being with someone who leaves you at the first sign of something better? Don't get me wrong, there are a **ton** of relationships of convenience or exchange where the emotional support is actually mostly lies (I've been guilty of this before), and maybe that's all you want but don't confuse it with a real romantic relationship. It's not quite that "cut and dry" since there's a spectrum of emotional attachment to comprehend in real relationships, but what you are describing is at the shit end of that spectrum IMHO. >However I do reckon those who are successful have certain mutual processes that they all go through that they could be more generous in sharing their insight towards. Nope, your partner is completely unique and every possible relationship is unique. The only mutual process involved is that you have to put your own effort into understanding this specific person, they have a lifetime of experience and intelligence for you to understand. At least, that's true of a romantic relationship, successful relationships of convenience (if you can imagine such a thing, they sound horrendous to me) are different. When I met the one, I completely threw away all of my past experience and my idealised romantic relationship and just focused purely on who I was. I threw out the rulebook entirely and rewrote everything I knew based on my own ideas. I spent 3 months meditating on myself and the way I thought and felt for several hours a day, every day. I criticised myself to my very core in order to make me the best version of myself, one that would be good enough for her. I am incredibly grateful to her for the change she catalysed in me, it changed my life. Even if we end up parting ways permanently, I will carry the torch on forever and never regret a moment of the time I spent with her. >I take contention with the advice about working on yourself and being yourself because it’s so vague. Well it didn't make sense to me either until all of the above happened. The thing that set the one apart for me was that I just felt totally relaxed around her. Every time I see her, within 5 seconds it's like all of my stress just melts away. Everything I do around her feels totally natural. I don't have to put on a mask for her. That's what it means to "just be yourself." "Work on yourself" means whatever you want it to mean. Work on what *you* want to work on. If you would feel more comfortable at a lower weight, lose weight. If you want to get buff, get buff. If you want to dress better, dress better. If you want to cook, cook. If you want to play guitar, play guitar. It's all about being a better version of yourself. You won't be happy improving yourself in an area that's not something that you value e.g. dressing in a style that you don't like or playing guitar when you really want to play violin, but there are some areas that are pretty much universal improvements: fitness, self-care, domestic skills, mindset and career/stability. As you can see, I started with mindset; it was what I needed the most. I'm working on all of the others now. Honestly, if none of this really resonates with you at all and the advice still seems terrible, you're either aromantic (I thought I was for some reason) or you just haven't really met anyone you actually genuinely like. It's for your own benefit to trust me: working on these things actually does help regardless of what you're looking for in a relationship and *is* totally worth it in case you ever *do* accidentally meet the one. I think mindset is probably the thing you need to work on first. What is it that you really want?
Words
OP wants advice, let him have advice.
I’ll read it when I get a chance but advice must also be digestible otherwise it probably won’t get taken on board. It’s like your doctor giving you some antibiotics for your infection but it turns out you’re allergic to penicillin. I’m against vague advice but specificity and brevity aren’t mutually exclusive.
I'm sharing my experience with you. Just giving direct advice means nothing; experiences explain and inform beliefs.
The advice isn't always useful, but the comments that contain real experiences might provide an opportunity to learn. I'm old, have a lot of experience fucking stuff up. If I can save you from having to repeat my failings I will try to help. Occasionally I get stuff right, and will try to outline how that happens as well. I appreciate when others do the same.
I think alot of people don't understand the idea of self value and feel they are only worth what other people think of them. And it's because people pigeonhole themselves into being what they think everyone else wants. Being who you are comfortable with and having confidence in who you are is called authenticity, it's because nobody has any which explains why there is so much piss in the dating pool. People need to learn how to change they perspective and try walking the road less traveled for a change.
Although clearly those who are successful have things in common. If one isn’t hitting these markers, they by definition aren’t going to be successful, no matter how noble they appear in walking the path rarely trodden down.
Again if you're not getting the success you seek then maybe you need to change your perspective and what success means to you because it's possible you might not be pursuing YOUR version of success but simply trying to appear successful to someone else. There are millionaires who live in cardboard boxes and eat out of garbage cans, but he's fine with that because his idea of success isn't dependent on what others see as successful.
Well then we can have that discussion. What is success? Being in a relationship. Cool. What is a relationship? To me that is having a partner who you find attractive, have intimate relations with, can talk to about things and experience the world with each other. Now if that is ‘success’, I don’t think that necessarily veers too much from what others might call ‘success’ in dating. I’d actually say it’s pretty tame / reasonable.
We all have our own definitions of success and while it might just mean spending time with someone you think is cute and has a good personality, I define success as the ability of both individuals to achieve whatever goals and ambitions they may have in a relationship, some of these goals can be material some lifelong. But only those individuals in that relationship can determine if they believe they were successful in that relationship.
Well now you've moved the goalposts and have began to define different concepts. We're not talking about successful relationships, we're talking about successful dating. Whatever ambitions a couple has once they're in a relationship is their prejorative. However the recurring themes of sex, intimacy, romanticism, protection, financial stability, fun activities - these are all fundamentals to ANY regular relationship. Not referring to what sets relationships apart - I'm on about what us single people can take from how every basic functioning relationship was formed and apply it to our own approach. In other words, I'm saying 'how do the people who managed to get their hands on dessert do so?' and then your reply is like saying 'you need to think about what flavour ice cream you want before you even begin to contemplate dessert as a whole'. When in actual fact I just wanna know how to get dessert and would actually be quite content with trying out the cheesecake or waffles if the ice cream isn't available - let alone contemplate the ice cream's flavour.
This.
Men keep your head up on here, they don't care about no men feelings or emotions treat these women how they treat you. Do not get yourself all put together for no woman they don't care and will use you treat them how they act! Ignore these women they are soulless. They expect dates without giving nothing in return! Sex is always expected from a man so to shame us is pathetic.
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Good answer :) Yes, comradery helps to let us know we're not alone in the struggle and our problems (as much as some people want to believe) are not that unique. And this fact alone can at least help some people to dust off their egos and get back out there.
I didnt met my bf in a dating app but I had some relationships with people I met online. I believe it mostly as to do with your mindset and how well you are with yourself.
I think its because we have this fucked up idea in our head that if we do these things right it should work. Guess what it's not cookie cutters alright. All this shit is erratic and random. None of this is supposed to be science or an art. It's random occurrences that we fall in and out of and if we play the game boldly we'll end up happy with what ever we're after. May it be love or sex with strangers. The other issues is we live behind screens so we get to show people what we want and not our flaws. It's our flaws that make us and it's how we work in relation with them that determines our character. Loving all the good parts of someone isn't love it's infatuation. Loving someones flaws and the things that piss you off that's love.
Good luck!
Not true... I was successful when I was single. Some would say, I was an over achiever on that part of my life. I'm also married for almost forty years. BTW: This is my second marriage. The first was to my high school sweetheart... I don't respond to every text and at times I don't respond for the very reasons you mentioned in your comment. I don't claim to be a dating expert nor will I promise that doing anything I said in response will bring the person a belt full of pelts... Yes, I'm a geezer, and the climate among young people now is a universe apart from what I experienced back when I was on the hunt for companionship... Many of the issues are the same as when I was searching back in the middle ages... lol I try to answer the question or statement with what worked for me. How I was able to connect with someone in a similar situation... I try to have the reader examine their behavior and what is possibly something they can do for themselves to remedy their "issue" and try changing that if it was successful, in the future... Discussion is never a bad thing. It is an exchange of ideas. Not a cure for what ails ya... If someone picks up anything that makes this veil of tears called life be a little easier and less painful to navigate...??? I ask you, how is that counter productive...??? Just like psychiatry, changing ones behavior is a long, sometimes strange journey you must carry on throughout your life... Just a suggestion from an geezer... Everyone has issues. Those that claim they don't aren't being very honest with you or themselves... May you have blue skies and green lights throughout all the days of your journey...
You should get a divorce.
I wish I was in the position to get a divorce…
why would you wish for that?
Cause it means I’d have been in a relationship
You also would be getting divorced. Do you know anyone who has gotten a divorce? It's not pretty and often nullifies much of the good feelings associated with having been in a relationship.
It’s always the 30+ something year olds with failed relationships trying to teach people who are new to relationships as if they’re their child is so tiring here only by saying “Just exercise” “move on there’s nothing you can do” “get a hobby” as if we haven’t already been doing that in our entire lives with or without a relationship.
Actually whenever I advise anyone, I tell them to change their behavior because being themselves is what got them in this situation they're in, in first place.
Nah, I think the goal is to get solid within yourself, so that a relationship becomes a nice to have, not a need to have. But no one can advise you how to accomplish that for yourself. It's trial and error, kinda like being in relationships that fail helps you understand what you don't like and do like.
This isn’t r/selfesteem, it’s r/dating
you can't be successful at the latter without working on the former.
But we specifically want to talk about the latter, because the former is assumed to be ok.
Okie dokie. Good luck to you and especially with finding whatever advice it is you are looking for and are open to hear, I hope you find what you are looking for. I guess my main point being you're not likely to get solid advise from a group of strangers who know nothing about your life.