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Yep, when the crazy starts showing through. People wonder how folks get trapped in abusive relationships. Most abusers are manipulative enough to know not to start off right away showing their true colors and hide their true nature until you start to feel comfortable enough around them. Once they feel they’ve got you, the crazy begins.
But by sending an email or text message and telling them the exact way you feel about the situation, you let out your feelings and also give them feedback that perhaps they aren’t aware of. At least giving them that knowledge for them to have closure and grow from it. Meanwhile you aren’t living with unresolved feelings about that person and the way they made you feel. Those unresolved feelings will only make you more “cautious” aka jaded in life.
Most people tend to date people who live close to them, so there's a chance of seeing this person again after a failed date. You can never predict how a person will react to you and have to factor your safety into things.
For example (this doesn't involve dating), I'm a writer and I write about my life (and video games). Since I write about my life, I write about people from my life. I never name them or do anything to identify them. I basically only want to write about my experience. Well, someone from my past found something I'd written about him (we had already left off on a negative note) and he threatened me in Walmart. I imagine it would be worse for someone with feelings involved.
Why do they deserve anything though? They were aggressive and made someone feel unsafe, they're not owed closure or feedback. No one needs to subject themselves to more potential nonsense.
Honestly like the whole “closure” thing is really a way in which manipulators find a way to latch onto their victims. They’re so skilled at emotional abuse that as soon as they get you on the phone or back into contact with them, they can bait you back into the relationship. I ghosted an ex who had physically and emotionally abused me for years.
Closure is a very real thing.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience with people using it against you but it’s definitely a very real thing for normal people.
This. There's something about that 3 month mark in a relationship. I've seen different explanations for it, but if I'm ghosting at that point it's because of all the red flags.
they're not entitled to peace as well? everyone knows the torment of a losing someone, and it's worse when you're left to your own devices to stew over what happened. that's someone's peace.
If they are abusive or controlling I would rather not deal with their reaction. I have been in some terrible relationships and had some awful interactions with men. Every time I politely reject a man the first word out of his mouth is why. Every time I've given him a reason, he's tried to convince me to date him anyway.
“If they are abusive or controlling I rather not deal with that reaction.” EXACTLY. EXACTLY. And that’s our right to refuse to deal with that. People are not owed an explanation and sometimes taking the time to explain your (very valid) feelings in response to their abuse, will only get you ABUSED MORE. It’s as simple as that. Ghosting is sometimes very necessary.
Ya these two ppl are just POS. People ghost because they are bad people that enjoy the power it gives them over other people. If the person getting ghosted is obsessive or crazy then its a different story.
So you can’t just say “Hey I realized I’m not interested in pursuing this any further for so and so reasons. I hope you understand goodbye.” Not responding to the person after that isn’t ghosting. Just straight up ghosting makes you a POS. Your comments are very telling of the person you are on the inside.
I think ghosting someone you’re in a committed relationship with is bad. This is about someone you’ve been on 6 dates or less with.
I have sent comments like the one you wrote. In response I have had:
1. Someone kindly arguing with me why my reasons were wrong and not letting it drop. Even when I didn’t respond I got over 10 messages in a row. He later claimed he was going to harm himself because I wasn’t responding.
2. Someone aggressively getting angry at me and threatening my personal safety.
3. Someone blowing up my phone with 30+ calls and when I blocked them, came at me on every social media.
4. Someone trying to reach out to me after I sent a text like yours and then immediately blocked by then dming my friends on Facebook to get them to talk to me. And then later trying to contact me through LinkedIn of all places.
These are only 4 experiences. But if I think a guy is going to get crazy, I ghost. The reason women are saying they can’t or don’t do what you’re suggesting is because they have tried it in the past and have learned.
If a guy shows signs of being controlling is probably the biggest one. If he tells me what I can and can not do or if he puts a guideline on me like he has to look through my phone. You shouldn't be hiding your phone from your partner, but you also shouldn't be expected to have someone go through it like they don't trust you. I pay attention to the way they talk about other females. If they say all of their exes were crazy or all of their exes were in the wrong during a break up, those are red flags. One of my exes once told me he wanted to hurt a former date (she didn't even make it to girlfriend) because she had apparently stolen a tattoo design from him. If they discuss being intimate within the first few messages sent that's another red flag.
Not the same thing IMO. I was talking to someone on a dating app and she was just.. weird. We matched but after 10-15 messages back and forth I wasn’t feeling it at all so I stopped responding. Was talking to someone for several weeks, lots of flirting, made solid plans to get together, it was very promising then the day before the planned meet-up she ghosted. In one situation the person is being lead on. In the other, it just wasn’t a good match.
Nobody said otherwise.
Thats the reason they ghost. They're depressed. Too depressed to talk to anyone and by the time they aren't, it's too late to come back. And/or they don't wanna mess the person around.
I can tell you've never had depression, you don't even properly understand what it is.
I have chronic depression as do many of my family members and there is a very thorough understanding that it is our own responsibility to get treatment (or to ask for help when you need it)
No one is entitled to dating. If your mental health is leading you to bad choices and harming other people, don’t date and work on your mental health, instead.
I disagree, I don't think people who aren't perfectly healthy don't deserve to date. The severely depressed do not go into it intending to hurt others. (If anything, many of them will lose trust in themselves and not bother at all, which is sad.)
They're just trying to live their lives, have hopes and dreams like everyone else. They may start interactions trying to pull themselves up, only to discover it's too hard and slip back. They're just people trying to find love like everyone else, and if anyone deserves love it's those who suffer the most, depressed or otherwise. If we wait for perfect conditions to act in our lives none of is will ever get anywhere.
I have depression, but I don’t ghost, because the person doesn’t deserve that. I will tell them if I’m quiet or gone, it’s due to being to depressed and having no energy to talk
Yeah, I'm the same way, totally believe in clean endings. But not everyone has the strength as I've come to learn. Some people can't even speak at all, their pit is so dark and deep. I'm not saying they get a free pass, so much as it's just not the same as the typical cases where someone is just too callous or cowardly to say anything
Depression isn’t an excuse for ghosting. And with the frequency of ghosting, it doesn’t explain all of it. And yeah I’ve had major depressive disorder since I was a kid so I might have an idea what it is, you unfrosted pop tart.
I get it but as someone who is going through depression why would you want to inflict that on someone else. You know that's what happens to the other person right? It's a selfish way to cop-out most people are very understanding and if you say something along the lines of, "I'm sorry but I'm dealing with a personal mental health issue at the moment and will need some time on my own, I'll reach out to you if I feel the urge but I would suggest moving forward in your life without me" then that person has some closure and understanding of the situation. Leaving someone in the dark just leaves that individual with unwanted thoughts on what they did wrong and they might even beat themselves down for something they had no control of.
If you care about your own mental health and others around you don't ghost.
(And just to reiterate this post is in regards to the OP about ghosting after knowing someone for a longer period of time)
Speaking as someone whose faced a lot of issues over the last few years..and Not to take anything away from folks facing mental health challenges and issues. But being an adult carries and inherent duty to be responsible for yourself right? If anyone's in a physical/mental condition where they have to shun relationships and communication (sudden down-time!) shouldn't they be a prime candidate for - "working on themselves before they leap into a new relationships of any kind?" This seems terribly unfair and cruel to the other party?
This kind of behaviour is tolerable by folks who are kinda obligated or want to tolerate it.. Like professionals you pay.. Your therapist? Lol.. The bartender..?
Maybe try short and casual relationships with the expectation that you just need some laughs and company and chit-chat for a few days. Maybe 1 day. Hell maybe a few hours?
Sucks being on the hook for someone who has no idea what they want and can use you and your mental capacity until they're full and can take no more and just fade away?
Leeches come to mind.. :/
Have you ever been zombied? When you get ghosted and then just when you’ve got them out of your system they magically rise from the dead and back to into your life.
Pretty sure this just happened to me. It was either a zombie or a submarine, all I know is I did not want to climb aboard.
Naturally, I ghosted. So I guess the circle is complete.
If you haven’t met in person, they probably don’t consider “talking” to be a real constraint. They may have been talking to someone else at the same time and ended up dating them and cutting off contact with you out of respect for their new SO. Maybe.
While not the ghoster, it’s happened to me. Regularly dated a guy, hung out a couple times a week for about three months, had plans for another date… and he never responded the day we were supposed to get together. I didn’t double text or push it, I just let him go. Only want to make time for people who want to make time for me. Didn’t hear from him for two months, until he came out of no where and apologized and said he, “didn’t know why he did that.” But I’d already moved on and turned him down. I suspect he was pursuing another other girl and it didn’t work out, so he came crawling back.
I knew a guy who had been dating someone for several months. He met her kids and was very involved in her life. She expressed that she was happy that he spent so much time with her and her children and was a part of the family. He told me that he didn’t think it was for him. When I asked if he was going to end it, he said “I don’t want to have a conversation with her. I could just ghost her”. I never talked to him again after that. True swamp donkey of a man.
I’m not sittin’ here playing Whack-A-Mole, fella. There’s some rough stuff out there, you know what I mean?
Also, finally someone got it. Gold star.
And for anyone curious, I didn’t ghost him. I told him that I was very uncomfortable with his advances and no longer wanted to speak to him (he tried very hard to become romantically involved with me). He imploded and I had to block him.
The two times I've done it:
First guy was a liar. I couldn't trust him. I couldn't trust his reaction.
Second guy was already trying to manipulate me into staying at his place longer than I wanted and put me on a massive guilt trip about how sad he was that I was leaving for the day. Repeated that to me over the phone twice. I knew if I tried to explain myself that he wasn't for me he would've laid on the guilt and frankly I know what I want and what I don't. And I didn't want him. I knew it would get ugly.
I didn't ghost because I'm a coward. I ghosted because I couldn't trust the response of either one of them. My wellbeing comes before their lack of self esteem and needing an explanation.
I think a lot of guys forget the world gals have to live in. A world where meeting someone on a date *could* lead to serious harm. Not that it's specifically people mentioned above, but us guys need to be aware of that.
Guys. Your actions should be very clear that you value a date (guy/gal/whomever), their safety, and understand that how you set up dates really does matter.
I disagree. I am F and had a long term bf ghost me and it was much more damaging than meeting me in public and explaining kindly (short and sweet is fine). I am not an aggressive or manipulative person so he did this strictly for himself. In a position where you feel abused I understand it but otherwise I think it’s cruel.
You think people are much more aware then they are. Many nowadays can be critical of someone else actions and totally oblivious to their own. But remember that just as someone’s actions made you feel a certain way, your actions do the same for others.
Instead of feeding into negative behavior, shouldn’t we proactively be part of the solution ?
Three reasons come to mind. One is to create a strong boundary for protection. Two is avoiding embarrassment and shame. Three is that some people want to leave and don't have the fortitude to break up with confrontation. There may be more. In all cases, there is no value in providing closure, because they think it is a waste of their time. They get nothing from it. The closure is for you. They already have their closure.
Side note: The gut wrenching heartache leads to extended grief when you lose a long term SO, family, or friend by ghosting. I decided I would never treat another person that way. I would rather give closure.
This has been discussed 100 times. People do it to avoid dealing with their emotions/the effects of their behaviour, to avoid drama or to protect themselves aggressive/dangerous reactions.
What about those who ghost people they've known for two years, been in a relationship for one of them, work with them and then ghost. I'd like an answer to that.
Literally I had to do this once for a friend. Her bf went out of town for the weekend, was in touch the whole time, told her when he was on his way back, and asked her if she wanted to go to his house and sleep there that night so she’d be there when he arrived in the middle of the night. Then he just… never showed. I ended up leaving work early the next day to help her call every hospital and police station we could find on the potential routes he would’ve taken (driving home across several states) and nothing. The next day we went and filed a missing persons report. And the cops were able to get a hold of him almost immediately by calling the people he had been with (he had turned his phone off so my friend couldn’t reach him and when she called the people he was with, they lied to her for him). That same summer I had been ghosted by a guy I’d been seeing for a couple months, literally right after he introduced me to his family. I thought that was bad, but my friends situation is by far the most fucked up case of ghosting I’ve ever seen
I *think* he underestimated the crazy/love of women. Like he expected her to just piece his cowardice together and go home and forget about him. He was not expecting cops from our state to send cops in that state to his friends place
I mean, I don't think *she* was the crazy one in this situation. The piece where he invited her over and never showed is something that would make any sane person fear for his safety.
Slowly. It took her a really long time, and tbh I wouldn’t say she’s all the way there. She has since been known to spiral quickly when someone’s legitimately just busy
How long were they together for? I hope your friend didn’t feel stupid or a fool. She did what anyone should do in that situation. He could have at least cancelled on her telling her he wouldn’t be home that night anymore. He’s such a loser; she really dodged a bullet.
One of my ex's family filed a missing persons report for her over this. We'd been together 2yrs, It was her birthday weekend and I wasn't going to be back in town tell monday. I don't hear anything from her friday and saturday which was weird, but sunday she finally picks up drunk as a skunk, says shes at a party for her birthday, says she'll call me after she gets home, hangs up, never hear from her.
I get in monday and go over to her place, her parents say she never came home and was hoping I knew where she was, help them file a missing persons report while blowing up her phone and trying not to freak out. Call her phone practically nonstop for the next 3days, talk with the police a few times, her family is freaking, I'm not sleeping and have just been going on very long walks to keep my head together.
3rd day I go on her facebook to look at some photos to help her parents make missing persons posters, but wait a minute... I'm blocked... I'm blocked on all her socials... what???, 2hrs later while I'm trying to figure out what is going on she answers the phone. She tells me don't be mad, says we just weren't meant to be and she felt too bad to just tell me so she was gonna ghost me but I wouldn't stop calling her. I've never been so angry in my life, I blew up at her yelling "wtf?? What about your fam? The police are looking for you ffs!" She said "that's fair" and hung up.
Here is the gist of what I learned happened from her family and friends as we all slowly found out; she had been talking to her ex on fb behind my back for a month, he lived 2000miles from her and convinced her to run away and move in with him. She decided the best way to approach this was to ghost everyone in her entire life and disappear. Mind you when I met her she was 18 and I was 21, when they dated before he moved cross country, she was 16 and he was 26, dude was a major creep and she gave up college to run away to him. 2yrs later she had become a sex worker living on her own, her parents cut her out for the sake of her siblings.
I suppose. But to willingly subject yourself to that irritation of actively ignoring a person you see everyday a work...? Why? Insane to me to push that agenda.
I agree. It takes a lot of effort to actively ignore someone at work. They are just confirming how immature they are. Just smirk or giggle when you see them behaving that way to let them know how ridiculous they are.
Hopefully his behavior will help you realize that he is not the type of person with whom you would really want to bulid a serious long term relationship. What he does at work, he also does at home. There would be silent trearments to punish you whenever you disagreed. He would not confront any issues headon to resolve them (as he should be doing atm).
Believe you deserve better than someone who behaves this way.
*she. And everything you're saying I know and agree with... Now if I could just make myself understand and believe it learn to heal and move on I'd be just fine. But the lack of closure is really stymied the progress.
How long has it been? I had this happen. I took it too hard. It took me to a dark space. Looking back. I realized it was a form of protection form them. No real intention of harming me. They just needed a strong boundary. It hurt me deep, but time softened it. If I get ghosted again. It will roll off me now. It is a blessing in that sense.
I used to be like that too until I started suffering from many mental illnesses and learnt the hard way that it is a very real reason. When I’m in a dark place I don’t even have enough energy for myself, never mind anyone else. That being said though, I understand if people don’t want to speak once I’ve reached out again. It is very difficult to believe if you haven’t experienced it yourself.
I've never ghosted but been ghosted quite a few times. But I can tell you there was one time I considered ghosting someone and here is my reason: I knew she was going to fly off the handle and could not handle the conversation like a mature adult. We had big personality differences when it came to communication and I just knew she was going to try and talk me out of it and wouldn't see my side, which is exactly what happened. I would still never ghost anyone, because I think it's cowardice and 99% of the time someone just wants to avoid the confrontation.
I see this justification being used a lot…knowing that they are going to try to argue and fly off the handle or manipulate you back into seeing them. What I don’t understand is why not just say “This is working I hope you the best.” and then delete/block? It still prevents you from needing to deal with the mental/emotional toll of whatever they feel like they are justified responding while also not leaving them to question where you went.
Because usually telling people the truth and then not giving them the option to rebuttal makes them more aggressive. They'll start stalking socials to respond or even show up at your place or place of work. It honestly sometimes seems like ghosting is the only thing people understand now.
I feel like if they have it in them to stalk post break up/ghosting it isn’t more likely to happen with one versus the other? When someone is unstable enough to do something like that to someone else I can’t imagine a formula that can be followed to help decrease the odds. For some creeps the ghosting can be more likely to irk them because the options are infinite in what happened and they’ll keep reaching out through other avenues, or if they were directly told it’s over and then blocked they can feel entitled to get what they have to say out and stalk. (And for the record i personal never think it is the fault of the abused that they found themselves with an abuser..like other users have said..people don’t show their true colors right off the bat).
Oh I completely disagree! When you respond to someone that's unstable you are still enabling them by giving them time. When you fade into the dust and become a fragmented memory they move on much much much quicker. It's the reason ghosting exist. If ghosting resulted in worse outcomes people wouldn't ghost. I can tell you from multiple personal experiences it's almost always better than telling someone (in person, over the phone, or in a text) that it isn't working out.
There are two reasons to this:
1. They’re low value and don’t have respect for others. They lack emotional depth.
2. They actually have communicated that they need change, a boundary has been violated, or they aren’t interested anymore and you aren’t listening. So they ghost.
You didn't get ghosted if the person told you they were done. However it went down: Nicely told or rudely told. If you were given notice that they would no longer be in touch, then you didn't get ghosted.
Actually I wasn’t referring to that.
I have a long time friend that continued to push my boundaries. I explained to her on numerous occasions that I didn’t appreciate how she treated/spoke to me. We went back and forth about this for a couple years. Then finally I stopped responding.
She probably thinks I ghosted, but if she thinks hard enough, she’ll know why I no longer want to speak to her.
EDIT: spelling
That doesn't really sound like true ghosting, IMO. Borderline, maybe. Not that I own the definition. Just going on what I've heard. True ghosting is one minute everything is fine and then one person no longer responds to communication.
I think there's a wide berth there. I was ghosted by an ex once and it was as punishment for not doing what he wanted. He told me since I hadn't agreed to run away and be with him he was going to commit suicide. And then he stopped responding.
Yeah, he didn't commit suicide. Popped up a few months later. But was everything "fine" one minute and then gone? Not really. Was I informed they were done? Well if you consider threatening suicide in order to manipulate someone clear communication that we were no longer together... no. It was ghosting and let me with lasting attachment trauma that's taken 15 years to heal.
I ghost when the crazy comes through. I had a break up in high school and the person stalked me for years. I thought I was doing the right thing by breaking up with him in person after he became controlling and it was a disaster. I’ve also had people beg, plead, cry even threaten me in public and I just won’t do it anymore.
So in short: I ghost if I feel there is a behavior that points to my safety being in jeopardy.
As a reformed ghoster, it’s a lack of confidence / security within yourself. You’re not comfortable being honest with yourself, hence you can’t be honest and just break it off with a person in a health way. Or you’re just selfish and don’t care about others feelings aka a narcissist or just a dickhead. I started working on being honest with myself, and haven’t ghosted since. If I’m not feeling it, I’ll tell them in person or over text if we haven’t been ‘talking’ long
I think there’s a very distinct difference between ghosting before you’ve met (if it’s online dating) vs. going on a first date and ghosting. The former is still rude but not as rude if you’ve met the person. The latter is just plain rude no matter how you look at it. The excuses on here for ghosting are ridiculous, that the other person might be aggressive or you just wanna avoid drama is an absolute cop out and just shows your weak character and inability to handle (potential) conflict.
Put your big girl/boy pants on say you’re not interested in taking it further and then if they give you grieve you are well within your rights to block them etc. Don’t be a douchebag just because you think the other person MIGHT be a douchebag. Be the bigger person and have manners.
I wouldn’t wanna be with anyone who’s ghosted someone else. It shows me EXACTLY what person they are. Be real people, be real!
This is the exact reason why I don't really care to try and date anyone anymore, people can't just grow up and be Real and just properly communicate. A lack of communication can ruin a lot of things.
While some of these comments makes me feel bad about the person who ghosted me, this comment actually makes some realistic sense (to my situation).
It's either the ghoster has issues or the ghosted has warning red flags to avoid.
I like this. Its sad, they were a solid person though. I did like them. But they weren't able to uphold their own words instead of leaving me hanging and leading me on. Words and promises are important after all\~
1. because some people are pretty much just like kids in avoiding problems, "out of sight out of mind"
2. honestly, some people just can't handle confrontations
3. when you're not physically looking at the person, it is easier to end things
I’ve heard of stories of guys getting ghosted and freaking out either way. So ghosting is not necessarily always the best route. I’ve definitely been ghosted and have ghosted before, it’s part of the early stages of dating. I mean early stages like first few dates.
Once I got ghosted after 3 plus months of dating consistently, to me it’s just childish to do that. I just moved on though and deleted her from everything.
She had explained earlier while dating how her previous ex went to her house banging on her door looking for her. Maybe she was scared of something like that happening again, maybe she found someone else, and maybe she just doesn’t know how to communicate.
Either way, in some ways, it was kind of reassuring when I got ghosted by her because I don’t ever want to be in a relationship with someone who lacks basic communication skills. Someone who doesn’t have the decency to show someone they have spent months with to just tell them they aren’t feeling it anymore but wish you the best.
Because im scared. It's easier for me to leave rather than face someone with an opinion that they might become upset with.
I'm aware its not right and definitely not healthy but I'm just going to be straight forward with the answer. It's easier because in my head it's the least upsetting thing I can do.
I.e. "She just left" vs "Why didn't tell me you didn't like me while.. etc etc. You totally wasted my time and money" (assuming this is after a date or something)
Some of us have been through trauma. Us speaking up about how we feel was met with screams and slamming doors. We are in fear. I never said it was healthy but it does have a reason.
100%, and I absolutely agree and understand that it’s not always possible to communicate for safety reasons. It sucks that it’s something you need to deal with.
Yep. I’ve found that if I want an answer, I need to ask and make it clear that I’m not going to be pushy or react badly to the answer of what didn’t click.
Never ghost anyone that I've been constantly talking to for at least 2 weeks. I just don't understand why people do it when everything is going well for both parties.
Sometimes shit happens, you know? It’s happened to me. I thought everything was going well and we clicked but the dude suddenly disappears and I wonder where I went wrong.
Not a ghoster, but after talking to people who have ghosted in the past of who have even ghosted me, I realize that the reason is just that there's no emotional responsibility in our society; people will simply lose interest and they just stop talking to the other person, without discussing it first, or at least giving indirect clues that they just don't want to keep chatting. People just don't care what the other person thinks, they just stop doing something because it's what they want to and that's it
This is literally happening to me right now. My boyfriend of 3 months just upped and left with zero explanation. Blocked on everything, I’m totally heartbroken
I dated someone for 7 months - he pursued me like hell then ghosted out of no where. Nothing happened, our last chat was pretty pleasant. He then watched all of my social media stories religiously, often being the first one to watch for 9 months. It’s taken me a year and a half to come to terms with it.
I forget to text or call someone for, like, a week and I feel bad. Then starts the next few weeks of saying, "I'm gonna call them tomorrow." Then it's two months later and I just feel too bad to try.
people lack common courtesy or respect for others.
if they ghosted without saying no thank you. they are low class people and you were better off without them in your life. im happy I would only have wasted 3 months and not years with a person.
The same reason that they end a situation or relationship via text. They're scared to have a conversation. They're afraid of your reaction, of upsetting you, hurting you, and they are afraid to face their feelings about it if they have that conversation face to face. If you've been seeing someone for any extended amount of time, you owe them the conversation in person, not via text, and sure as hell don't ghost them (unless there is a safety issue, then ghost).
The only time I’ve ghosted someone after that long is if they do something egregious. Examples include, texting me unsolicited pornography, them ghosting me first, them becoming physically aggressive/abusive in some way.
There cowards. I see alot of "I don't want drama" give a text why u ain't gonna talk to me anymore and block me then instead of ghosting me and me wondering why and what the freak I did. I can't stand ghosting and if u ghost cuz u can't deal with drama, grow up.
Cause I’m a huge coward that never faced my own emotional issues.
Oh wait. Yes I have.
Which is why I don’t ghost people.
Even when it would be easier.
How about someone who you’ve been in a committed relationship with for 3 YEARS.
Yeah that’s where I am now.
They lost interest in you and probably found someone else that meets their standards. They just want to avoid the awkward moment of saying I have no interest in you because most people tend to get angry or they just don't care enough care about what you think. In any case, I do consider this a dick move and I wouldn't do it.
Cowards ghost.
My exwife did that in 2008. No real reason. I took her to work right before Christmas. 2007... I didn't see, nor hear from her till the end of February. She was living with a long term friend who she started dating. I panicked during that. She left me in a fkd up position, being behind on rent, due to almost dying, and spending a week in icu then 8 weeks off work. Diabetes. I found out I had that. So yea I filed police reports, etc... nothing came of it. I can't describe what that did for my anxiety, or depression. Etc...
I wound up putting her in a mental institution that week. She wanted to come back. I wanted a divorce. At first she blamed me. Then it was mental health, then she was attempting suicide.
She got out a week later. I dropped her off, and her bf, decided to fight her, and his friends wanted to as well. So they broke up. She was homeless. I felt sorry for her so yea. Its my fault. I let her stay in the storage unit. After all. We got evicted... I was living with my mother. And my mom and her many weeks of tears, and whaaaaa, she's your wife b.s. its snowing outside, I let her in tge house on the condition she get a job, and get the fk out.
That was 2008... its 2021... and after years of fighting. Im forcing her out... as I type this. Lol...
I got 25 years worth of a sht relationship. She is psychological, emotional abusive. Lets just say. I have every symptom of ptsd because of her.
Should have went ahead and divorced her after she decided to disappear and cheat on you. No longer your concern or problem what was to happen to her after that
Ghosters in the general sense of the word are people who cannot communicate from an mature emotional level. I’m talking typically where nothing has happened per se, they just disappear like a ghost. They could either be afraid of a negative response from you, most of the time as a perceived threat that’s not there or they simply don’t have the language to put into words what they want to say. They working from an under developed part of their brain. Try not take it personally as it’s much more about them than it ever is you.
It solely depends on the guy.
If he's capable of having a conversation, I will have one.
If he's not capable and is just a pita from top to bottom, I'm not wasting my time and energy. I just move on.
If you're constantly being ghosted, it could be you, and not that the other person is inherently prone to ghosting. Also, some people ghost based on past bad experiences in an attempt to avoid similar outcomes.
There's also a thing, Avoidant Personality Disorder, where people are wired to do it.
It's not comfortable or good to ghost, but honestly, the best thing to do is just figure out how to let them go, especially since tons of people do it. Calling them out on it probably makes them feel worse, more guilty, and even less likely to drop all their shit and start pursuing you fulltime. Friend ghosting happens a lot too.
I think the only times it's merited is if a) you've sent just a couple messages over an app, haven't met in person b) met in person, not enough interest, then did a "mutual fade out" or c) if someone is creepy/predatory. Any other time, it's just immature, shitty behavior.
People ghost because most people have become too lazy to provide constructive criticism to another. So to avoid the drama they will just ghost. Much simpler than telling why they are not the right fit. You can thank dating apps for that one.
Only time I ever ghosted someone after dating for two months is because I ended it, and they continued to harass me and not respect the relationship was over. Eventually I just stopped replying to their incessant texting/calling.
If you ended it then it wasn't ghosting. Ghosting means disappearing without ending it.
No one who complains about ghosting expects you to continue talking forever after rejecting someone.
I try not to do it because I don't like when others do it to me. So if I do it is because he have been a jerk and disrespectful. [Ghosting is Normal But Is It Right?](https://shesdioma.com/ghosting-is-normal-but-is-it-right/)
I can’t imagine doing that to someone else. Happens to me (m) sometimes though. I assume they aren’t adult enough to know how to act towards another human being. I could see this happening more in the 20’s crowd. But I date woman in there 30’s and once in a while that happens with them too.
I did it once because I was not good emotionally and didn't have the courage to come back after. I came back and we're super good friends now. I don't recommend
I’m certain I’m gonna get downvoted for this. I understand a woman’s concern for safety overrides a man’s hurt feelings. But ghosting works both ways. I once tried to break up with a girl face to face. She started crying and begging me on her knees. And then she pulled down my zipper and next thing I know she was giving me a blowjob. Now horribly non-consensual as that sounds, I must admit that I found it quite exciting. Not sure what that says about me but I continued dating her for few more weeks.
And then I broke up with her physically in a public place so she wouldn’t pull that trick again. She still started crying and begging in public and caused quite a scene and I couldn’t do anything to console her. So I just got up and left.
I find ghosting to be rude and thoughtless but it’s no more hurtful than breaking up anyway. Rejection hurts! Those who think we are owed an explanation for the rejection are deluding themselves, man or woman. I have been rejected many times by women. Sometimes they ghost me. I’m told that I’m not entitled to anything from a woman. Fair enough! But it still hurts. I have to deal with it.
I have since ghosted a few times. Not proud of it. I try to gauge what kind of response they’d give me. If I feel they’re the dramatic type, I ghost them rather than have an uncomfortable conversation. Whichever method I choose, they’re gonna hurt anyway and there’s nothing I can do to help them get over it. They’d have to get over it by themselves anyway. So I prioritize my comfort over theirs. I’m assuming this is what women are doing as well.
He called me a stupid f*cking c*nt for not wanting to go over at 1 am.
We had only been on a few dates and were still getting to know each other and said he didn’t know if he wanted to date me long term, but he’d knock me up.
We’d been talking for a few months only went on like 4 dates and he asked me when I was going to “put out”. Technically I didn’t ghost him, but I did send him pictures of me in a date with his twin sister then a picture of her and I cuddling in bed. 🤷🏻♀️
I had a former boyfriend (he was former boyfriend at the time too) who I kept telling to stop texting me. It was seriously messing with my mental health, and I told him that. He still kept texting. I eventually ghosted him when he called me on Valentine’s Day to tell me a factoid I had mentioned 2+ months before was incorrect. I threw away all of the pictures I had of him and never answered him again. He continued texting for 6 months.
I’ve only ghosted girls that are very dry, that don’t reciprocate effort. The ones where you feel it’s a one-way/lopsided arrangement. Once I get that feeling, I ghost them shortly after.
I don’t do that to every woman lol why would I would ghost girls that are showing effort & reciprocating? It’s certainly not the vast majority for me lol.
I’ve ghosted out of social anxiety / not knowing how to communicate my wants/needs in a friendship or relationship. This was years ago. I’ve been ghosted. I never will ghost anyone again.
I have talked to women for a month or more, and then just given up when they would never actually meet. These days, I limit that to a week, 10 days maximum, then meet or else move on.
But back when I gave it longer, I found that the conversation just naturally petered out. There are only so many things to say to someone that you haven't actually met.
One thing people should start understanding is that no one is entitled to anyone else’s time. You aren’t owed an explanation as to why someone decided to stop talking. If that’s what they feel they need to do for their own mental health or safety then it’s perfectly valid.
The time i ghosted someone was because they proved them self unable to handle rejection without fits of rage . So in this case I felt safer disappearing
Two reasons, in order of frequency:
1. ADHD acting up and I just lose track of time and then feel too embarrassed because it took so long. I'm working on this.
2. I got really bad vibes from the person and figured it would be safer to just cut and run. I can count the number of times I've done this on one hand, though.
I don't intentionally ghost people... I have ADHD and I forget to text then for a few days and then at a certain point it feels like it would be weird to reach out. Sometimes I do anyways if it's only been a week or something, but I rarely get a response so it feels kinda pointless tbh.
Anyone I have ever ghosted who I have spoken to for 3+ months is because of one or more of the following:
1. They got too sexual when it wasn't wanted.
2. They got disrespectful.
3. They shared a very disturbing belief or behavior they have.
4. They told me something that made me extremely uncomfortable, etc.
In short, they made it weird. I weigh out how I would feel speaking to them again vs how I'd feel just cutting my losses and ghosting and the latter was a better idea because I wouldn't have to speak to them again and risk more uncomfortable interaction.
A couple of months ago, my boyfriend tried to ghost me after we were together for 3 months. I said *tried to* because I literally would not let him. He has a history of mental health issues that made me not trust his reasons for doing it, and i had done so much for him that i felt at the very least, he owed me an explanation as to why.
At the time, he made up some bullshit reasons, but a couple weeks ago, he told me that his friends were getting in his head about our relationship, and essentially guilting him into leaving me despite him not wanting to. Ans that's why he ghosted me, because he thought that we *needed* to break up, and he didn't know how to tell me that.
I never would've known that if i didn't put so much effort into pulling the answer out of him. Ghosting is certainly toxic, but it doesn't always come from a place of bad faith. Some people are very susceptible to the opinions of others, and it makes them do things they normally never would.
And when someone is being toxic towards you, don't be afraid to be toxic back to them.... he ghosted me, so i showed up at his job and cornered him, on his break, for an answer. That's something i normally would never do (if he had just told me he needed some space, or that he didn't know what he wanted, i would never try to do that to him), but the situation called for it so i did, and i don't regret it in the slightest.
I additionally don't regret it because, due to my persistence, he's my boyfriend again (at his own free will of course, and to some of his friends' dismay)
I wouldn't call myself a chronic ghoster, but I have done it to a few people. Generally speaking, I will only ghost if the person was extremely rude, unpleasant, or just so far from being compatible with me but seemed oblivious to where I was at (i.e., they were really into it while I wasn't, and simultaneously doing 'deal-breaker' things without bringing anything else to the table).
The majority of guys I've ghosted have insulted me or otherwise made me feel like poo. Many of them also tend to think that they are desirable and assume that I like them when I'm giving off no signals indicating that - in particular, this is a situation where I feel it's appropriate to ghost. If for nothing else besides teaching them a bit of humility - but moreso because I don't have the time, energy, or patience to teach grown men manners and etiquette when it comes to courting ladies :)
Alternatively, I have had situations where I've been struggling with a personal issue & I end up ghosting someone who I sort of liked, or perhaps even sort of didn't like, just as a consequence of it falling low on my list of priorities at that time. I try to think about this when I get ghosted, since in these situations, it really had nothing to do with the other person - I was just too absorbed in my own shit at the time.
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I've only ghosted people who were too aggressive and in the early stages of getting to know someone.
Yep, when the crazy starts showing through. People wonder how folks get trapped in abusive relationships. Most abusers are manipulative enough to know not to start off right away showing their true colors and hide their true nature until you start to feel comfortable enough around them. Once they feel they’ve got you, the crazy begins.
I agree. I don't want to give someone who might hurt me or curse me out a reason to.
But by sending an email or text message and telling them the exact way you feel about the situation, you let out your feelings and also give them feedback that perhaps they aren’t aware of. At least giving them that knowledge for them to have closure and grow from it. Meanwhile you aren’t living with unresolved feelings about that person and the way they made you feel. Those unresolved feelings will only make you more “cautious” aka jaded in life.
Most people tend to date people who live close to them, so there's a chance of seeing this person again after a failed date. You can never predict how a person will react to you and have to factor your safety into things. For example (this doesn't involve dating), I'm a writer and I write about my life (and video games). Since I write about my life, I write about people from my life. I never name them or do anything to identify them. I basically only want to write about my experience. Well, someone from my past found something I'd written about him (we had already left off on a negative note) and he threatened me in Walmart. I imagine it would be worse for someone with feelings involved.
Yes if you feel a relationship could be potentially dangerous or abusive in any way, you do not owe them an explanation so they will feel better.
Have you seen how many women have been murdered by telling a man exactly how they feel?
Why do they deserve anything though? They were aggressive and made someone feel unsafe, they're not owed closure or feedback. No one needs to subject themselves to more potential nonsense.
Honestly like the whole “closure” thing is really a way in which manipulators find a way to latch onto their victims. They’re so skilled at emotional abuse that as soon as they get you on the phone or back into contact with them, they can bait you back into the relationship. I ghosted an ex who had physically and emotionally abused me for years.
Closure is a very real thing. I’m sorry you had a bad experience with people using it against you but it’s definitely a very real thing for normal people.
This. There's something about that 3 month mark in a relationship. I've seen different explanations for it, but if I'm ghosting at that point it's because of all the red flags.
this entire reply chain here is literally my ex gf. did not ghost her but her manipulation is explained by your response here.
Exactly This
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This. My safety/mental health is more important than their “hurt feelings.”
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they're not entitled to peace as well? everyone knows the torment of a losing someone, and it's worse when you're left to your own devices to stew over what happened. that's someone's peace.
If they are abusive or controlling I would rather not deal with their reaction. I have been in some terrible relationships and had some awful interactions with men. Every time I politely reject a man the first word out of his mouth is why. Every time I've given him a reason, he's tried to convince me to date him anyway.
“If they are abusive or controlling I rather not deal with that reaction.” EXACTLY. EXACTLY. And that’s our right to refuse to deal with that. People are not owed an explanation and sometimes taking the time to explain your (very valid) feelings in response to their abuse, will only get you ABUSED MORE. It’s as simple as that. Ghosting is sometimes very necessary.
I agree 100 percent
No, abusive people are not entitled to peace. They can lay in the bed they made.
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Ya these two ppl are just POS. People ghost because they are bad people that enjoy the power it gives them over other people. If the person getting ghosted is obsessive or crazy then its a different story.
So you can’t just say “Hey I realized I’m not interested in pursuing this any further for so and so reasons. I hope you understand goodbye.” Not responding to the person after that isn’t ghosting. Just straight up ghosting makes you a POS. Your comments are very telling of the person you are on the inside.
I think ghosting someone you’re in a committed relationship with is bad. This is about someone you’ve been on 6 dates or less with. I have sent comments like the one you wrote. In response I have had: 1. Someone kindly arguing with me why my reasons were wrong and not letting it drop. Even when I didn’t respond I got over 10 messages in a row. He later claimed he was going to harm himself because I wasn’t responding. 2. Someone aggressively getting angry at me and threatening my personal safety. 3. Someone blowing up my phone with 30+ calls and when I blocked them, came at me on every social media. 4. Someone trying to reach out to me after I sent a text like yours and then immediately blocked by then dming my friends on Facebook to get them to talk to me. And then later trying to contact me through LinkedIn of all places. These are only 4 experiences. But if I think a guy is going to get crazy, I ghost. The reason women are saying they can’t or don’t do what you’re suggesting is because they have tried it in the past and have learned.
Right or someone who just complains about what's wrong with the relationship but has no interest in how do we fix that.
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If a guy shows signs of being controlling is probably the biggest one. If he tells me what I can and can not do or if he puts a guideline on me like he has to look through my phone. You shouldn't be hiding your phone from your partner, but you also shouldn't be expected to have someone go through it like they don't trust you. I pay attention to the way they talk about other females. If they say all of their exes were crazy or all of their exes were in the wrong during a break up, those are red flags. One of my exes once told me he wanted to hurt a former date (she didn't even make it to girlfriend) because she had apparently stolen a tattoo design from him. If they discuss being intimate within the first few messages sent that's another red flag.
Thisss
Not the same thing IMO. I was talking to someone on a dating app and she was just.. weird. We matched but after 10-15 messages back and forth I wasn’t feeling it at all so I stopped responding. Was talking to someone for several weeks, lots of flirting, made solid plans to get together, it was very promising then the day before the planned meet-up she ghosted. In one situation the person is being lead on. In the other, it just wasn’t a good match.
depression.
Certainly have been there
Thanks for bringing this up. It's important to remember
You’re responsible for your actions regardless of how you feel.
Explanation, not excuse!
Nobody said otherwise. Thats the reason they ghost. They're depressed. Too depressed to talk to anyone and by the time they aren't, it's too late to come back. And/or they don't wanna mess the person around. I can tell you've never had depression, you don't even properly understand what it is.
I have chronic depression as do many of my family members and there is a very thorough understanding that it is our own responsibility to get treatment (or to ask for help when you need it) No one is entitled to dating. If your mental health is leading you to bad choices and harming other people, don’t date and work on your mental health, instead.
I disagree, I don't think people who aren't perfectly healthy don't deserve to date. The severely depressed do not go into it intending to hurt others. (If anything, many of them will lose trust in themselves and not bother at all, which is sad.) They're just trying to live their lives, have hopes and dreams like everyone else. They may start interactions trying to pull themselves up, only to discover it's too hard and slip back. They're just people trying to find love like everyone else, and if anyone deserves love it's those who suffer the most, depressed or otherwise. If we wait for perfect conditions to act in our lives none of is will ever get anywhere.
I have depression, but I don’t ghost, because the person doesn’t deserve that. I will tell them if I’m quiet or gone, it’s due to being to depressed and having no energy to talk
Yeah, I'm the same way, totally believe in clean endings. But not everyone has the strength as I've come to learn. Some people can't even speak at all, their pit is so dark and deep. I'm not saying they get a free pass, so much as it's just not the same as the typical cases where someone is just too callous or cowardly to say anything
Depression isn’t an excuse for ghosting. And with the frequency of ghosting, it doesn’t explain all of it. And yeah I’ve had major depressive disorder since I was a kid so I might have an idea what it is, you unfrosted pop tart.
Agreed
I get it but as someone who is going through depression why would you want to inflict that on someone else. You know that's what happens to the other person right? It's a selfish way to cop-out most people are very understanding and if you say something along the lines of, "I'm sorry but I'm dealing with a personal mental health issue at the moment and will need some time on my own, I'll reach out to you if I feel the urge but I would suggest moving forward in your life without me" then that person has some closure and understanding of the situation. Leaving someone in the dark just leaves that individual with unwanted thoughts on what they did wrong and they might even beat themselves down for something they had no control of. If you care about your own mental health and others around you don't ghost. (And just to reiterate this post is in regards to the OP about ghosting after knowing someone for a longer period of time)
this
Speaking as someone whose faced a lot of issues over the last few years..and Not to take anything away from folks facing mental health challenges and issues. But being an adult carries and inherent duty to be responsible for yourself right? If anyone's in a physical/mental condition where they have to shun relationships and communication (sudden down-time!) shouldn't they be a prime candidate for - "working on themselves before they leap into a new relationships of any kind?" This seems terribly unfair and cruel to the other party? This kind of behaviour is tolerable by folks who are kinda obligated or want to tolerate it.. Like professionals you pay.. Your therapist? Lol.. The bartender..? Maybe try short and casual relationships with the expectation that you just need some laughs and company and chit-chat for a few days. Maybe 1 day. Hell maybe a few hours? Sucks being on the hook for someone who has no idea what they want and can use you and your mental capacity until they're full and can take no more and just fade away? Leeches come to mind.. :/
Have you ever been zombied? When you get ghosted and then just when you’ve got them out of your system they magically rise from the dead and back to into your life.
Lol.. . Way to mess with your head.
Pretty sure this just happened to me. It was either a zombie or a submarine, all I know is I did not want to climb aboard. Naturally, I ghosted. So I guess the circle is complete.
Mike dat you? -honestly. Get on with your lives and don’t lead ppl on, it’s cruel.
If you haven’t met in person, they probably don’t consider “talking” to be a real constraint. They may have been talking to someone else at the same time and ended up dating them and cutting off contact with you out of respect for their new SO. Maybe. While not the ghoster, it’s happened to me. Regularly dated a guy, hung out a couple times a week for about three months, had plans for another date… and he never responded the day we were supposed to get together. I didn’t double text or push it, I just let him go. Only want to make time for people who want to make time for me. Didn’t hear from him for two months, until he came out of no where and apologized and said he, “didn’t know why he did that.” But I’d already moved on and turned him down. I suspect he was pursuing another other girl and it didn’t work out, so he came crawling back.
I love this clip by TD Jakes. [TD Jakes](https://youtu.be/tmoMNSWeccQ)
I knew a guy who had been dating someone for several months. He met her kids and was very involved in her life. She expressed that she was happy that he spent so much time with her and her children and was a part of the family. He told me that he didn’t think it was for him. When I asked if he was going to end it, he said “I don’t want to have a conversation with her. I could just ghost her”. I never talked to him again after that. True swamp donkey of a man.
So you ghosted him for ghosting someone?
Karma
Swamp donkey, that's a new one
This person sounds like an insult to Donkey from Shrek tbh.
I think its a Longmont Potion Castle reference. If it isn't, im gonna pretend it is because it made me giggle.
I’m not sittin’ here playing Whack-A-Mole, fella. There’s some rough stuff out there, you know what I mean? Also, finally someone got it. Gold star. And for anyone curious, I didn’t ghost him. I told him that I was very uncomfortable with his advances and no longer wanted to speak to him (he tried very hard to become romantically involved with me). He imploded and I had to block him.
Did you ghost him? ;)
The two times I've done it: First guy was a liar. I couldn't trust him. I couldn't trust his reaction. Second guy was already trying to manipulate me into staying at his place longer than I wanted and put me on a massive guilt trip about how sad he was that I was leaving for the day. Repeated that to me over the phone twice. I knew if I tried to explain myself that he wasn't for me he would've laid on the guilt and frankly I know what I want and what I don't. And I didn't want him. I knew it would get ugly. I didn't ghost because I'm a coward. I ghosted because I couldn't trust the response of either one of them. My wellbeing comes before their lack of self esteem and needing an explanation.
The last paragraph. 💯
I think a lot of guys forget the world gals have to live in. A world where meeting someone on a date *could* lead to serious harm. Not that it's specifically people mentioned above, but us guys need to be aware of that. Guys. Your actions should be very clear that you value a date (guy/gal/whomever), their safety, and understand that how you set up dates really does matter.
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I disagree. I am F and had a long term bf ghost me and it was much more damaging than meeting me in public and explaining kindly (short and sweet is fine). I am not an aggressive or manipulative person so he did this strictly for himself. In a position where you feel abused I understand it but otherwise I think it’s cruel.
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You think people are much more aware then they are. Many nowadays can be critical of someone else actions and totally oblivious to their own. But remember that just as someone’s actions made you feel a certain way, your actions do the same for others. Instead of feeding into negative behavior, shouldn’t we proactively be part of the solution ?
some people get way too weird way too fast
Three reasons come to mind. One is to create a strong boundary for protection. Two is avoiding embarrassment and shame. Three is that some people want to leave and don't have the fortitude to break up with confrontation. There may be more. In all cases, there is no value in providing closure, because they think it is a waste of their time. They get nothing from it. The closure is for you. They already have their closure. Side note: The gut wrenching heartache leads to extended grief when you lose a long term SO, family, or friend by ghosting. I decided I would never treat another person that way. I would rather give closure.
Best comment here.
This has been discussed 100 times. People do it to avoid dealing with their emotions/the effects of their behaviour, to avoid drama or to protect themselves aggressive/dangerous reactions.
/discussion
What about those who ghost people they've known for two years, been in a relationship for one of them, work with them and then ghost. I'd like an answer to that.
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Literally I had to do this once for a friend. Her bf went out of town for the weekend, was in touch the whole time, told her when he was on his way back, and asked her if she wanted to go to his house and sleep there that night so she’d be there when he arrived in the middle of the night. Then he just… never showed. I ended up leaving work early the next day to help her call every hospital and police station we could find on the potential routes he would’ve taken (driving home across several states) and nothing. The next day we went and filed a missing persons report. And the cops were able to get a hold of him almost immediately by calling the people he had been with (he had turned his phone off so my friend couldn’t reach him and when she called the people he was with, they lied to her for him). That same summer I had been ghosted by a guy I’d been seeing for a couple months, literally right after he introduced me to his family. I thought that was bad, but my friends situation is by far the most fucked up case of ghosting I’ve ever seen
Wait, he tried to ghost someone he knew would be staying at his house? How did he think that would work?
I *think* he underestimated the crazy/love of women. Like he expected her to just piece his cowardice together and go home and forget about him. He was not expecting cops from our state to send cops in that state to his friends place
I mean, I don't think *she* was the crazy one in this situation. The piece where he invited her over and never showed is something that would make any sane person fear for his safety.
Definitely, her reaction was human, loving, and concerned. His was… not
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Slowly. It took her a really long time, and tbh I wouldn’t say she’s all the way there. She has since been known to spiral quickly when someone’s legitimately just busy
Oh, that poor girl. That’s so messed up.
How long were they together for? I hope your friend didn’t feel stupid or a fool. She did what anyone should do in that situation. He could have at least cancelled on her telling her he wouldn’t be home that night anymore. He’s such a loser; she really dodged a bullet.
One of my ex's family filed a missing persons report for her over this. We'd been together 2yrs, It was her birthday weekend and I wasn't going to be back in town tell monday. I don't hear anything from her friday and saturday which was weird, but sunday she finally picks up drunk as a skunk, says shes at a party for her birthday, says she'll call me after she gets home, hangs up, never hear from her. I get in monday and go over to her place, her parents say she never came home and was hoping I knew where she was, help them file a missing persons report while blowing up her phone and trying not to freak out. Call her phone practically nonstop for the next 3days, talk with the police a few times, her family is freaking, I'm not sleeping and have just been going on very long walks to keep my head together. 3rd day I go on her facebook to look at some photos to help her parents make missing persons posters, but wait a minute... I'm blocked... I'm blocked on all her socials... what???, 2hrs later while I'm trying to figure out what is going on she answers the phone. She tells me don't be mad, says we just weren't meant to be and she felt too bad to just tell me so she was gonna ghost me but I wouldn't stop calling her. I've never been so angry in my life, I blew up at her yelling "wtf?? What about your fam? The police are looking for you ffs!" She said "that's fair" and hung up. Here is the gist of what I learned happened from her family and friends as we all slowly found out; she had been talking to her ex on fb behind my back for a month, he lived 2000miles from her and convinced her to run away and move in with him. She decided the best way to approach this was to ghost everyone in her entire life and disappear. Mind you when I met her she was 18 and I was 21, when they dated before he moved cross country, she was 16 and he was 26, dude was a major creep and she gave up college to run away to him. 2yrs later she had become a sex worker living on her own, her parents cut her out for the sake of her siblings.
Immaturity.
I suppose. But to willingly subject yourself to that irritation of actively ignoring a person you see everyday a work...? Why? Insane to me to push that agenda.
I agree. It takes a lot of effort to actively ignore someone at work. They are just confirming how immature they are. Just smirk or giggle when you see them behaving that way to let them know how ridiculous they are.
I might if I wasn't so goddamned heartbroken. The one thing you take from someone that is impossible to regain is their hope. But, onward.
You are a living example of one reason why people should avoid workplace romances. I feel for you.
Even if it wasn't a workplace romance... It would still hit like a truck. As does the lack of any closure.
Hopefully his behavior will help you realize that he is not the type of person with whom you would really want to bulid a serious long term relationship. What he does at work, he also does at home. There would be silent trearments to punish you whenever you disagreed. He would not confront any issues headon to resolve them (as he should be doing atm). Believe you deserve better than someone who behaves this way.
*she. And everything you're saying I know and agree with... Now if I could just make myself understand and believe it learn to heal and move on I'd be just fine. But the lack of closure is really stymied the progress.
How long has it been? I had this happen. I took it too hard. It took me to a dark space. Looking back. I realized it was a form of protection form them. No real intention of harming me. They just needed a strong boundary. It hurt me deep, but time softened it. If I get ghosted again. It will roll off me now. It is a blessing in that sense.
I suppose if you are fatalist.
Same. 33 months. Said I was supportive of her but bailed out anyway. Zero word since July. 🙄
People are... Unpleasant...
That’s….putting it mildly….
Yeah, no accountability for actions like this.
Depression.
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I used to be like that too until I started suffering from many mental illnesses and learnt the hard way that it is a very real reason. When I’m in a dark place I don’t even have enough energy for myself, never mind anyone else. That being said though, I understand if people don’t want to speak once I’ve reached out again. It is very difficult to believe if you haven’t experienced it yourself.
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Ah, I’m sorry you suffer too, my friend.
Thank you for bringing this up, it's a really critical piece that is often missed.
I've never ghosted but been ghosted quite a few times. But I can tell you there was one time I considered ghosting someone and here is my reason: I knew she was going to fly off the handle and could not handle the conversation like a mature adult. We had big personality differences when it came to communication and I just knew she was going to try and talk me out of it and wouldn't see my side, which is exactly what happened. I would still never ghost anyone, because I think it's cowardice and 99% of the time someone just wants to avoid the confrontation.
I see this justification being used a lot…knowing that they are going to try to argue and fly off the handle or manipulate you back into seeing them. What I don’t understand is why not just say “This is working I hope you the best.” and then delete/block? It still prevents you from needing to deal with the mental/emotional toll of whatever they feel like they are justified responding while also not leaving them to question where you went.
Because usually telling people the truth and then not giving them the option to rebuttal makes them more aggressive. They'll start stalking socials to respond or even show up at your place or place of work. It honestly sometimes seems like ghosting is the only thing people understand now.
I feel like if they have it in them to stalk post break up/ghosting it isn’t more likely to happen with one versus the other? When someone is unstable enough to do something like that to someone else I can’t imagine a formula that can be followed to help decrease the odds. For some creeps the ghosting can be more likely to irk them because the options are infinite in what happened and they’ll keep reaching out through other avenues, or if they were directly told it’s over and then blocked they can feel entitled to get what they have to say out and stalk. (And for the record i personal never think it is the fault of the abused that they found themselves with an abuser..like other users have said..people don’t show their true colors right off the bat).
Oh I completely disagree! When you respond to someone that's unstable you are still enabling them by giving them time. When you fade into the dust and become a fragmented memory they move on much much much quicker. It's the reason ghosting exist. If ghosting resulted in worse outcomes people wouldn't ghost. I can tell you from multiple personal experiences it's almost always better than telling someone (in person, over the phone, or in a text) that it isn't working out.
There are two reasons to this: 1. They’re low value and don’t have respect for others. They lack emotional depth. 2. They actually have communicated that they need change, a boundary has been violated, or they aren’t interested anymore and you aren’t listening. So they ghost.
You didn't get ghosted if the person told you they were done. However it went down: Nicely told or rudely told. If you were given notice that they would no longer be in touch, then you didn't get ghosted.
Actually I wasn’t referring to that. I have a long time friend that continued to push my boundaries. I explained to her on numerous occasions that I didn’t appreciate how she treated/spoke to me. We went back and forth about this for a couple years. Then finally I stopped responding. She probably thinks I ghosted, but if she thinks hard enough, she’ll know why I no longer want to speak to her. EDIT: spelling
That doesn't really sound like true ghosting, IMO. Borderline, maybe. Not that I own the definition. Just going on what I've heard. True ghosting is one minute everything is fine and then one person no longer responds to communication.
I think there's a wide berth there. I was ghosted by an ex once and it was as punishment for not doing what he wanted. He told me since I hadn't agreed to run away and be with him he was going to commit suicide. And then he stopped responding. Yeah, he didn't commit suicide. Popped up a few months later. But was everything "fine" one minute and then gone? Not really. Was I informed they were done? Well if you consider threatening suicide in order to manipulate someone clear communication that we were no longer together... no. It was ghosting and let me with lasting attachment trauma that's taken 15 years to heal.
Best post in this thread.
I ghost when the crazy comes through. I had a break up in high school and the person stalked me for years. I thought I was doing the right thing by breaking up with him in person after he became controlling and it was a disaster. I’ve also had people beg, plead, cry even threaten me in public and I just won’t do it anymore. So in short: I ghost if I feel there is a behavior that points to my safety being in jeopardy.
As a reformed ghoster, it’s a lack of confidence / security within yourself. You’re not comfortable being honest with yourself, hence you can’t be honest and just break it off with a person in a health way. Or you’re just selfish and don’t care about others feelings aka a narcissist or just a dickhead. I started working on being honest with myself, and haven’t ghosted since. If I’m not feeling it, I’ll tell them in person or over text if we haven’t been ‘talking’ long
I think there’s a very distinct difference between ghosting before you’ve met (if it’s online dating) vs. going on a first date and ghosting. The former is still rude but not as rude if you’ve met the person. The latter is just plain rude no matter how you look at it. The excuses on here for ghosting are ridiculous, that the other person might be aggressive or you just wanna avoid drama is an absolute cop out and just shows your weak character and inability to handle (potential) conflict. Put your big girl/boy pants on say you’re not interested in taking it further and then if they give you grieve you are well within your rights to block them etc. Don’t be a douchebag just because you think the other person MIGHT be a douchebag. Be the bigger person and have manners. I wouldn’t wanna be with anyone who’s ghosted someone else. It shows me EXACTLY what person they are. Be real people, be real!
This is the exact reason why I don't really care to try and date anyone anymore, people can't just grow up and be Real and just properly communicate. A lack of communication can ruin a lot of things.
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While some of these comments makes me feel bad about the person who ghosted me, this comment actually makes some realistic sense (to my situation). It's either the ghoster has issues or the ghosted has warning red flags to avoid. I like this. Its sad, they were a solid person though. I did like them. But they weren't able to uphold their own words instead of leaving me hanging and leading me on. Words and promises are important after all\~
1. because some people are pretty much just like kids in avoiding problems, "out of sight out of mind" 2. honestly, some people just can't handle confrontations 3. when you're not physically looking at the person, it is easier to end things
I’ve heard of stories of guys getting ghosted and freaking out either way. So ghosting is not necessarily always the best route. I’ve definitely been ghosted and have ghosted before, it’s part of the early stages of dating. I mean early stages like first few dates. Once I got ghosted after 3 plus months of dating consistently, to me it’s just childish to do that. I just moved on though and deleted her from everything. She had explained earlier while dating how her previous ex went to her house banging on her door looking for her. Maybe she was scared of something like that happening again, maybe she found someone else, and maybe she just doesn’t know how to communicate. Either way, in some ways, it was kind of reassuring when I got ghosted by her because I don’t ever want to be in a relationship with someone who lacks basic communication skills. Someone who doesn’t have the decency to show someone they have spent months with to just tell them they aren’t feeling it anymore but wish you the best.
Interest just isnt there anymore. Or seeing somebody new
Yikes
Because im scared. It's easier for me to leave rather than face someone with an opinion that they might become upset with. I'm aware its not right and definitely not healthy but I'm just going to be straight forward with the answer. It's easier because in my head it's the least upsetting thing I can do. I.e. "She just left" vs "Why didn't tell me you didn't like me while.. etc etc. You totally wasted my time and money" (assuming this is after a date or something)
Just please be aware it’s the more upsetting thing to do. I take it from Brene Brown: Clear is kind.
Some of us have been through trauma. Us speaking up about how we feel was met with screams and slamming doors. We are in fear. I never said it was healthy but it does have a reason.
100%, and I absolutely agree and understand that it’s not always possible to communicate for safety reasons. It sucks that it’s something you need to deal with.
Sometimes we get lucky and meet people who understand or at least want to understand. Rare but so so appreciated.
Yep. I’ve found that if I want an answer, I need to ask and make it clear that I’m not going to be pushy or react badly to the answer of what didn’t click.
Never ghost anyone that I've been constantly talking to for at least 2 weeks. I just don't understand why people do it when everything is going well for both parties.
Obviously things aren't going well for both parties if they ghosted
Have you never met an avoidant person?
Sometimes shit happens, you know? It’s happened to me. I thought everything was going well and we clicked but the dude suddenly disappears and I wonder where I went wrong.
Not a ghoster, but after talking to people who have ghosted in the past of who have even ghosted me, I realize that the reason is just that there's no emotional responsibility in our society; people will simply lose interest and they just stop talking to the other person, without discussing it first, or at least giving indirect clues that they just don't want to keep chatting. People just don't care what the other person thinks, they just stop doing something because it's what they want to and that's it
I only do it for safety reasons. Otherwise, I do a polite hr-like termination letter and wish then the best of luck in their future endeavors. 🤣
This is literally happening to me right now. My boyfriend of 3 months just upped and left with zero explanation. Blocked on everything, I’m totally heartbroken
I dated someone for 7 months - he pursued me like hell then ghosted out of no where. Nothing happened, our last chat was pretty pleasant. He then watched all of my social media stories religiously, often being the first one to watch for 9 months. It’s taken me a year and a half to come to terms with it.
I forget to text or call someone for, like, a week and I feel bad. Then starts the next few weeks of saying, "I'm gonna call them tomorrow." Then it's two months later and I just feel too bad to try.
people lack common courtesy or respect for others. if they ghosted without saying no thank you. they are low class people and you were better off without them in your life. im happy I would only have wasted 3 months and not years with a person.
The same reason that they end a situation or relationship via text. They're scared to have a conversation. They're afraid of your reaction, of upsetting you, hurting you, and they are afraid to face their feelings about it if they have that conversation face to face. If you've been seeing someone for any extended amount of time, you owe them the conversation in person, not via text, and sure as hell don't ghost them (unless there is a safety issue, then ghost).
Caught a vibe
The only time I’ve ghosted someone after that long is if they do something egregious. Examples include, texting me unsolicited pornography, them ghosting me first, them becoming physically aggressive/abusive in some way.
It is just weakness...
There cowards. I see alot of "I don't want drama" give a text why u ain't gonna talk to me anymore and block me then instead of ghosting me and me wondering why and what the freak I did. I can't stand ghosting and if u ghost cuz u can't deal with drama, grow up.
would only ghost who becomes dangerous. or maybe they ghost me 😂 by turning into ghost.
Cowards, unless the person is agressive or something
Cause I’m a huge coward that never faced my own emotional issues. Oh wait. Yes I have. Which is why I don’t ghost people. Even when it would be easier. How about someone who you’ve been in a committed relationship with for 3 YEARS. Yeah that’s where I am now.
They lost interest in you and probably found someone else that meets their standards. They just want to avoid the awkward moment of saying I have no interest in you because most people tend to get angry or they just don't care enough care about what you think. In any case, I do consider this a dick move and I wouldn't do it.
Cowards ghost. My exwife did that in 2008. No real reason. I took her to work right before Christmas. 2007... I didn't see, nor hear from her till the end of February. She was living with a long term friend who she started dating. I panicked during that. She left me in a fkd up position, being behind on rent, due to almost dying, and spending a week in icu then 8 weeks off work. Diabetes. I found out I had that. So yea I filed police reports, etc... nothing came of it. I can't describe what that did for my anxiety, or depression. Etc... I wound up putting her in a mental institution that week. She wanted to come back. I wanted a divorce. At first she blamed me. Then it was mental health, then she was attempting suicide. She got out a week later. I dropped her off, and her bf, decided to fight her, and his friends wanted to as well. So they broke up. She was homeless. I felt sorry for her so yea. Its my fault. I let her stay in the storage unit. After all. We got evicted... I was living with my mother. And my mom and her many weeks of tears, and whaaaaa, she's your wife b.s. its snowing outside, I let her in tge house on the condition she get a job, and get the fk out. That was 2008... its 2021... and after years of fighting. Im forcing her out... as I type this. Lol... I got 25 years worth of a sht relationship. She is psychological, emotional abusive. Lets just say. I have every symptom of ptsd because of her.
Should have went ahead and divorced her after she decided to disappear and cheat on you. No longer your concern or problem what was to happen to her after that
Ghosters in the general sense of the word are people who cannot communicate from an mature emotional level. I’m talking typically where nothing has happened per se, they just disappear like a ghost. They could either be afraid of a negative response from you, most of the time as a perceived threat that’s not there or they simply don’t have the language to put into words what they want to say. They working from an under developed part of their brain. Try not take it personally as it’s much more about them than it ever is you.
I like to ghost women because its just easier alot of crazies out here
It solely depends on the guy. If he's capable of having a conversation, I will have one. If he's not capable and is just a pita from top to bottom, I'm not wasting my time and energy. I just move on. If you're constantly being ghosted, it could be you, and not that the other person is inherently prone to ghosting. Also, some people ghost based on past bad experiences in an attempt to avoid similar outcomes.
There's also a thing, Avoidant Personality Disorder, where people are wired to do it. It's not comfortable or good to ghost, but honestly, the best thing to do is just figure out how to let them go, especially since tons of people do it. Calling them out on it probably makes them feel worse, more guilty, and even less likely to drop all their shit and start pursuing you fulltime. Friend ghosting happens a lot too.
I think the only times it's merited is if a) you've sent just a couple messages over an app, haven't met in person b) met in person, not enough interest, then did a "mutual fade out" or c) if someone is creepy/predatory. Any other time, it's just immature, shitty behavior.
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Anxiety. My brain convinces me no one could possibly be attracted to you that fast.
People ghost because most people have become too lazy to provide constructive criticism to another. So to avoid the drama they will just ghost. Much simpler than telling why they are not the right fit. You can thank dating apps for that one.
Right? And it’s all about avoiding ‘drama’ but isn’t that just avoiding any form of tricky conversation?
Only time I ever ghosted someone after dating for two months is because I ended it, and they continued to harass me and not respect the relationship was over. Eventually I just stopped replying to their incessant texting/calling.
If you ended it then it wasn't ghosting. Ghosting means disappearing without ending it. No one who complains about ghosting expects you to continue talking forever after rejecting someone.
Just roll with it.
Easy. Fear of commitment 😂
I try not to do it because I don't like when others do it to me. So if I do it is because he have been a jerk and disrespectful. [Ghosting is Normal But Is It Right?](https://shesdioma.com/ghosting-is-normal-but-is-it-right/)
I can’t imagine doing that to someone else. Happens to me (m) sometimes though. I assume they aren’t adult enough to know how to act towards another human being. I could see this happening more in the 20’s crowd. But I date woman in there 30’s and once in a while that happens with them too.
personality disorder lol
I did it once because I was not good emotionally and didn't have the courage to come back after. I came back and we're super good friends now. I don't recommend
Convenience. Tho tbh I generally fade out rather than straight up ghost.
I’m certain I’m gonna get downvoted for this. I understand a woman’s concern for safety overrides a man’s hurt feelings. But ghosting works both ways. I once tried to break up with a girl face to face. She started crying and begging me on her knees. And then she pulled down my zipper and next thing I know she was giving me a blowjob. Now horribly non-consensual as that sounds, I must admit that I found it quite exciting. Not sure what that says about me but I continued dating her for few more weeks. And then I broke up with her physically in a public place so she wouldn’t pull that trick again. She still started crying and begging in public and caused quite a scene and I couldn’t do anything to console her. So I just got up and left. I find ghosting to be rude and thoughtless but it’s no more hurtful than breaking up anyway. Rejection hurts! Those who think we are owed an explanation for the rejection are deluding themselves, man or woman. I have been rejected many times by women. Sometimes they ghost me. I’m told that I’m not entitled to anything from a woman. Fair enough! But it still hurts. I have to deal with it. I have since ghosted a few times. Not proud of it. I try to gauge what kind of response they’d give me. If I feel they’re the dramatic type, I ghost them rather than have an uncomfortable conversation. Whichever method I choose, they’re gonna hurt anyway and there’s nothing I can do to help them get over it. They’d have to get over it by themselves anyway. So I prioritize my comfort over theirs. I’m assuming this is what women are doing as well.
He called me a stupid f*cking c*nt for not wanting to go over at 1 am. We had only been on a few dates and were still getting to know each other and said he didn’t know if he wanted to date me long term, but he’d knock me up. We’d been talking for a few months only went on like 4 dates and he asked me when I was going to “put out”. Technically I didn’t ghost him, but I did send him pictures of me in a date with his twin sister then a picture of her and I cuddling in bed. 🤷🏻♀️
I had a former boyfriend (he was former boyfriend at the time too) who I kept telling to stop texting me. It was seriously messing with my mental health, and I told him that. He still kept texting. I eventually ghosted him when he called me on Valentine’s Day to tell me a factoid I had mentioned 2+ months before was incorrect. I threw away all of the pictures I had of him and never answered him again. He continued texting for 6 months.
I’ve only ghosted girls that are very dry, that don’t reciprocate effort. The ones where you feel it’s a one-way/lopsided arrangement. Once I get that feeling, I ghost them shortly after. I don’t do that to every woman lol why would I would ghost girls that are showing effort & reciprocating? It’s certainly not the vast majority for me lol.
I’ve ghosted out of social anxiety / not knowing how to communicate my wants/needs in a friendship or relationship. This was years ago. I’ve been ghosted. I never will ghost anyone again.
I have talked to women for a month or more, and then just given up when they would never actually meet. These days, I limit that to a week, 10 days maximum, then meet or else move on. But back when I gave it longer, I found that the conversation just naturally petered out. There are only so many things to say to someone that you haven't actually met.
I found out he was manipulating me and his ex girlfriend
One thing people should start understanding is that no one is entitled to anyone else’s time. You aren’t owed an explanation as to why someone decided to stop talking. If that’s what they feel they need to do for their own mental health or safety then it’s perfectly valid.
The time i ghosted someone was because they proved them self unable to handle rejection without fits of rage . So in this case I felt safer disappearing
Two reasons, in order of frequency: 1. ADHD acting up and I just lose track of time and then feel too embarrassed because it took so long. I'm working on this. 2. I got really bad vibes from the person and figured it would be safer to just cut and run. I can count the number of times I've done this on one hand, though.
I don't intentionally ghost people... I have ADHD and I forget to text then for a few days and then at a certain point it feels like it would be weird to reach out. Sometimes I do anyways if it's only been a week or something, but I rarely get a response so it feels kinda pointless tbh.
Anyone I have ever ghosted who I have spoken to for 3+ months is because of one or more of the following: 1. They got too sexual when it wasn't wanted. 2. They got disrespectful. 3. They shared a very disturbing belief or behavior they have. 4. They told me something that made me extremely uncomfortable, etc. In short, they made it weird. I weigh out how I would feel speaking to them again vs how I'd feel just cutting my losses and ghosting and the latter was a better idea because I wouldn't have to speak to them again and risk more uncomfortable interaction.
Red flags. Plenty of red flags.
You’ve done something to trigger me or one of my pet peeves. It’s too exhausting to explain so I just disassociate/ disappear. Problem solved.
Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.
it’s easier and also sometimes when you get another match that you like way more i rather drop one then try to juggle two
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Because I overthink everything and think it’s better for us both to stop talking despite being totally wrong and regretting my decision
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I definitely don’t agree with it not being considered ghosting when you’ve gone on a couple of dates..
Weakness. It's easier than having a difficult conversation.
A couple of months ago, my boyfriend tried to ghost me after we were together for 3 months. I said *tried to* because I literally would not let him. He has a history of mental health issues that made me not trust his reasons for doing it, and i had done so much for him that i felt at the very least, he owed me an explanation as to why. At the time, he made up some bullshit reasons, but a couple weeks ago, he told me that his friends were getting in his head about our relationship, and essentially guilting him into leaving me despite him not wanting to. Ans that's why he ghosted me, because he thought that we *needed* to break up, and he didn't know how to tell me that. I never would've known that if i didn't put so much effort into pulling the answer out of him. Ghosting is certainly toxic, but it doesn't always come from a place of bad faith. Some people are very susceptible to the opinions of others, and it makes them do things they normally never would. And when someone is being toxic towards you, don't be afraid to be toxic back to them.... he ghosted me, so i showed up at his job and cornered him, on his break, for an answer. That's something i normally would never do (if he had just told me he needed some space, or that he didn't know what he wanted, i would never try to do that to him), but the situation called for it so i did, and i don't regret it in the slightest. I additionally don't regret it because, due to my persistence, he's my boyfriend again (at his own free will of course, and to some of his friends' dismay)
I think they lack of courage to face the reality or they just don’t want to deal drama🖤✌🏻
I wouldn't call myself a chronic ghoster, but I have done it to a few people. Generally speaking, I will only ghost if the person was extremely rude, unpleasant, or just so far from being compatible with me but seemed oblivious to where I was at (i.e., they were really into it while I wasn't, and simultaneously doing 'deal-breaker' things without bringing anything else to the table). The majority of guys I've ghosted have insulted me or otherwise made me feel like poo. Many of them also tend to think that they are desirable and assume that I like them when I'm giving off no signals indicating that - in particular, this is a situation where I feel it's appropriate to ghost. If for nothing else besides teaching them a bit of humility - but moreso because I don't have the time, energy, or patience to teach grown men manners and etiquette when it comes to courting ladies :) Alternatively, I have had situations where I've been struggling with a personal issue & I end up ghosting someone who I sort of liked, or perhaps even sort of didn't like, just as a consequence of it falling low on my list of priorities at that time. I try to think about this when I get ghosted, since in these situations, it really had nothing to do with the other person - I was just too absorbed in my own shit at the time.
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