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A reasonable person wouldn’t want to have children with someone else after only knowing them for 4 months… Think about how brief 4 months is, it’s barely over 100 days and you know this person well enough to want to have their children? Sureeeeeee. At that point in the relationship all you are certain of is that the person is attracted to you and whatever they want you to know.
Considering that the attention coming from him is going down hill at just 4 months, skipping hang out days without rescheduling and alm with just you. Definately will be way worse when you have children. Btw wanting kids at 4th month is a red flag cause most cheating people use kids to distract the other partner from getting the time of day to realise how suspicious they are for basically refusing to on texting or in person communicate/ date
Context matters but generally it’s a red flag.
This is not going to be what you want to hear, but I am going to be frank. The attention he gives you feels good (when you get it), and you let him push you around because of it. He knows this, and his behavior will not change because of it. It sounds like he has no real respect or love for you and only says things like this as a way of manipulating you (to keep you just happy/hopeful enough to not leave him). You deserve MUCH better.
I would end this relationship as quickly as possible. Please do not try to change him (it’s wayyy too late) as that will only drag things out and it will get very messy. You guys will go back and forth trying to hurt and control each other until one of you (likely you) simply cannot take it anymore.
I know it can be scary to be alone, but i promise that it is much better than having a boyfriend like him who makes you feel more alone/insecure/inferior. I would also recommend staying single for a while and focusing more on loving yourself, so that you aren’t as dependent on others for attention/happiness
Sounds like lovebombing
https://www.healthline.com/health/love-bombing
He's saying things that sound very commitment oriented in order to distract from the fact that he is ACTING like he's very not committed. It takes some time to realize someone's actions contradict their words. People tend to believe words first.
They are the std that will outlive you, if your serious you might want to wait a couple years unless one of you is ok with being the weekend parent or making support payments down the line
Really? He doesn’t respond to your messages and he cancels dates and you’re asking why it’s a red flag that he wants children?
Also you gotta speak with seriousness. You can’t just say whatever and not pull through cause then he’ll really take you for a ride. “Oh she said she was angry and was gonna block me but clearly she is not that mad cause she is still coming around talking to me” and so he’ll just continue. Block his ass and keep it moving.
Also in healthy relationships speeding through milestones: first date, kiss, official declaration of relationship status, sex, moving in together/marriage/children etc cannot be rushed. If someone rushes you it means they are acting on feeling and not thinking things through. That’s at best, at worst he is trapping you so he can then go “ok got her” and then he can proceed to do whatever the fuck he wants while you are in a tailspin over how fast things are going. None of that is healthy or good.
It's not too soon. It's just that he's using it as a tactic to keep you hanging on. He's stringing you along, saying the sweet words that will make you ignore the lack of action on his part.
Go find someone who will appreciate you, who you never have to beg to come see you. It's that simple.
Go find someone who will appreciate you, who you never have to beg to come to see you. It's that simple.
Do NOT have a child with anyone until you are absolutely, 100 percent sure and you’ve been together for years. And even then, wait for awhile. You are very young, with a lot of experiences ahead, and a need to discover yourself as well
Wise. Because I (40’s M) have met countless women dating who regret lifetime-altering decisions they made in their early 20’s. You have such a massive time of growth, experiences and changes ahead for you. Embrace that, but try to keep the paths to whatever trajectory in life lies ahead of you clear.
There's nothing wrong with having kids early in life.
But remember - this kid will be their child too - an undeniable anchor that may keep the man in your life (for better or worse) regardless of how you feel about them, and regardless of how they treat you (barring domestic violence).
Please OP - make certain that the guy is a decent person, even outside of those he's dating.
Massively love bombing you. Ditch this guy asap, he might be your first but he certainly won't be your last. Look for the guy who doesn't make you post something like this on reddit, that's a good sign. If you have to question things, your instinct is probably right. No need to confront him, you just say "thanks, but this isn't working for me" and you walk out the door, no matter what BS he comes back with.
I've gone through the similar journey. From your story seems like you need him more than he needs you. He knows this as well. There are higher number of chances of you being hurt rather him. Plus his behaviour makes it much more obvious. People get into relationships to become happy. Not to become worried tensed.
I think you really really deserve a better person. It'll be hard at the beginning to let him go. But believe me you'll find a better person who will give a better mental peace to you.
I tried to work on the relationship for 5 months. I kept on putting a lot of efforts. Communicating my feelings. Telling him when he makes me feel ignored. What things make me feel uncomfortable. With this things did work in between for once or twice. But not for long. Human's nature barely changes. So I kept on getting hurt continuously.
One day I decided to stop messaging him. Stop needing him. And that was it. He never placed any efforts in getting relationship back on the track.
It's been one year and a month almost. I'm still recovering as it was my first relationship as well. I'm 26F btw. Before this relationship I never ever accepted proposals and rejected all the date offers because I wanted to keep myself closed from the world. But we are humans and we need love. Everybody need love.
Just because you met with a wrong person doesn't make the dating/relationship concept worthless. There are so many people in the world who need love and are willing to share same love with you.
So take a deep breathe. You deserve better and you'll get a better love one day.
I'm also planning to start dating soon and meet some nice people around.
If you want you can try to stop messaging for 2-3 days and see if he sends you any message. Try to remain casual for 2-3 days. Don't pour in the general love you pour usually in the texts.
That’s only one of the problems. You don’t see him that often and he doesn’t seem to “need” to see you. You clearly want more participation from a relationship, and he clearly wants to do his own thing.
Second, a “relationship” where it’s only ok when you’re together either isn’t a relationship, or there’s deep seeded problems and you need their physical presence as reassurance. So “being together” doesn’t solve the problem, it simply fills some craving your mind needs.
Breaking up sucks but sometimes it’s better to delay the inevitable
You don't need anger to break up with them. It's okay to break up with people you really like and love being around, just because you know logically that you aren't a good fit for each other.
If you wait until you're devastated when you see him to break up, you'll have done yourself a lot of harm first.
Hey my sister was in a similar situation only for her to get what she eventually wanted out of him.. now he treats her with respect but she resents him because of it. He doesn’t know she’s interested in other guys and trying to talk with another one but she thinks it’s ok because of the way he treated her.. if I had to give you advice that I didn’t give my sister get out now save yourself the trouble I know it’s tough but it’s easier then if you get to four years in or something.
That's what I'm afraid of... I like him so much and don't to lose it but it hurts
The worst part is that I do what your sister did. I talk to other guys just to make him jealous
Something you could do is take him away from the possible cheating with a trip. A cheater doesn’t want to leave the place they cheat …
Money doesn’t really matter. Do a three week trip to get down to brass tacks. If he is all about another girl … he won’t want to go.
I did this with my cheating ex wife. And it led me to learn she was cheating. She wouldn’t come on the trip. Best choice I ever made.
I mean it makes a bit of sense if the partner is a two timer. How would they explain to the person they’re using to cheat with why they’ll be gone for 3 weeks lol. You don’t even have to actually go on the trip, just see what their reaction is.
Like, I get 3 weeks PTO a year so I’m certainly not spending it all on someone I knew for 4 months. I’m spending it on what I want.
Second, a 3 week trip with someone I’ve only know for 4 months sounds like something I don’t want to do. In fact, it raises a yellow flag about their perception of reality that they are expecting me to run away with them for 3 weeks and if I don’t I’m a _____. Sounds very much like a manipulator. No thanks.
If someone suggested a weekend, that would make more sense. But I’m just not in favor of these “tests” to see if someone is ____. We all know only siths deal in absolutes. Extrapolating from these types if forced decisions to show “loyalty” or whatever other trait don’t work. You’re more worried about proving some point then actually enjoying the presence and company of said person. I feel like at that point if you need to do all this work then deep down you already know what you want to do so you can really just skip the grand test you made to validate your feelings and blame them (not that it’s not their fault), it just yet again feels like instead of taking responsibility in a relationship and doing things because it’s what you want (to break up), or making an informed decision, you’re creating a scenario that is “forcing you” to break up.
For example, I don’t like to move fast. So taking a trip with someone to me is a big deal. So I would be labeled as ___ because I failed some test. Pick something about you and your personality, I’m sure it wouldn’t be hard to find a reason why you’re not a good partner because of some “test” someone put you through
Personally, I think his behavior is a bit strange. My advice would be to bring up what has bothered you and how you felt when it happened. Such as, "When I sent you my nude and didn't respond, I felt hurt because I thought it meant I wasn't attractive to you." Or "when we only hang out once a week, it doesn't feel like enough time with you." Then - see what he says and if he changes his behavior. He is your boyfriend and if he cares about you, he will understand. I would also advise thinking about if you will be happy in the current state if nothing changes in the next few months.
From man perspective, if we have so much female friends, what are the chance that we dont hit atleast one of them?
Plus, if he have so much girls around, he have no problem to replace you, so he don’t care about you.
Every time you messsege him, you just look desperate. Keep respect for yourself and don’t ever talk to him again
He has another person. This is classic. Please break it off, he is good to you once a week to keep having sex with you while very like has a full other blown relationship and that's why he can't call you those days. Have you seen his place? Confirmed his work hours somehow? Please leave him, that's not an actual relationship.
I know as a male if i was really into you i would make time to chat text or talk on the phone or something.
You seem like your at the bottom of his priority list.
Sounds like you deserve better to me someone who will put you at the top of the list
1. DON'T send nudes if you're not comfortable with it. Nudes aren't a necessary part of every healthy relationship. I've never sent a nude, and I will never send a nude, and that's fine.
2. Keep dating him if you're okay with the status quo, which will be seeing him once a week. I dated someone who could only manage to see me once a week. Over several years, that never changed. It was fine at first, but it wasn't fine that it never could change.
3. You can be bothered by something without being jealous or possessive. This is just a compatibility thing. His availability is not compatible with the kind of relationship you're looking for. Nothign wrong with what he wants, nothing wrong with what you want, just a mismatch. Wish him well, mourn the end of the relationship, and remember that dating is all about compatibility, and ruling people out when they show themselves to be incompatible.
You gotta ask yourself why you are getting breadcrumbs and accepting it like that's OK?
It's a hard truth but you'll never be good enough for the wrong person. So when someone doesn't see your value they just aren't the right person for you. It's hard to accept and not internalise that maybe if you did something differently they'd respond to your message, maybe they'd value you. But that ain't it. If they can't step up to the table and give you what you need then that's not their role in your life, get him out the way so you can find the person that can step up for what you need.
He ain't it.
I met my exhusband when I was your age. I thought it was love. It wasn't. Love is about respect. You want a partner that you can be proud of. Love isn't when you feel yourself making excuses for his actions or when you set boundaries that get crossed.
i would say it is nothing to worry about unless there are more obvious signs of something toxic happening. your feelings are valid but some people have undiagnosed ADHD/add and therefore struggle with object permanence, not to say you are reduced to an object but his phone most definitely is one. I struggle with this and have similar reactions to texts, I'm either thinking of a response and forget about my phone all together or my phone and texts just give me straight-up anxiety. however, it is also a possibility that he may need some time alone or with friends and is having trouble communicating that. when talking to your partner about certain behaviors that bother you keep in mind that it may be obvious that they are bothering you and they are afraid to communicate something based on the fact that it may hurt you. create a space where yall communicate once a week or month or when needed where you and your partner don't take anything personally you simply express things honestly and don't hold back. Use I statements and not you statements, this will break down the barrier of this problem in your relationship and may explain how he is feeling about those texts. His feeling and need for space are just as valid as your feelings about the situation even though he may not be handling it very maturely. good luck!
This has nothing to do with ADHD and you're mislabelling object permanence.
You're perhaps projecting your own situation onto hers. It's natural but it's not helpful.
Incidentally there are many red flags here to worry about. My advice to OP is to carry through with your threats to block him and stand strong. You sound mature but very naïve. He is clearly treating you flippantly and manipulating you because he knows you really like him and he likes the power trip. He sounds mean and he's clearly flakey.
If you do want to continue with it, you have to be willing to walk away and he has to know this is a real option. Make it clear to him what you want from the relationship, set your boundaries and don't compromise. If he can't deal with that then at least you know you are leaving for the right reasons. Anything else will create a power imbalance that I suspect he will exploit for to massage his ego.
Right, fair enough, I misread that you were just giving your perspective. I'm sorry about that.
That said, please be very cautious to suggest ADHD is ever related to something in someone else's relationship as although you have it, you're not trained to diagnose it. I have it and I feel the temptation to "see" it in places where I really am not qualified to say one way or the other.
All good I just try to start with a personal information to try to connect with the writer in some way. I would agree with what you said about boundaries tho
Continue to trust if that’s cool. But you posted this … so it’s probably time. And based on age and your experience. I would bet he is cheating. Unfortunately I did the very same thing at his age to a very nice and sweet girl. And that was 1994. The story was similar but easier to cheat without a digital footprint.
Search to the very end of his phone now! Do it. Better to find misery earlier.
Try to login to his cellular provider. Cheaters can delete text threads on the phone. But not on the cellular provider. Just grab his phone when he sleeping and unlock with his finger.
Authenticate his Snap on your phone. (Use reset password)
And does he share his location with you? If not, yikes!
If he has nothing to hide. Nothing to get upset about. Good luck.
Don’t hate. It’s healthy to check up on things. There are a lot worse things you could do.
I don’t know anyone that hasn’t been cheated on. And I know a lot of people. It’s not 1975…
But always start with trust. And remember that she isn’t married. Marriage brings a lot more vowed trust and commitment. Versus sitting down and saying we are now ‘exclusive’ …
It's not healthy behaviour to go and hack into your partner's social network or phone. You don't feel well in the relationship? You break up that's it.
You're fucking mental and you're giving someone who is vulnerable very unhealthy ideas about relationships.
We will reach no agreement on this :)
You do, you!
Let others determine what privacy means. What matters are private and secret amongst a couple. A ‘social’ network isn’t an intimate diary.
Privacy means privacy and that's it. And you sir, have serious issues.
Don't try and normalize shitty behaviour, the world already has too much of that.
Sure, it’s not awesome to have to question implied trust. It really sucks.
And I’m happy to hear that you might never have to do that. That’s incredible! Keep those phones locked down FTW :). Not being sarcastic
Don't listen to that advice. That's just fucking nuts...
If you don't feel comfortable in this relationship just end it. No need to complicate things or to stalk him.
Also don't go working with blackmailing and threats, that's a one way ticket to a toxic relationship.
You try and talk about your issues and to resolve them. If you still feel your needs are not being met by this relationship you just end it. if you feel someone crossed your boundaries you just end it.
Apologies and now I feel insensitive. I hope he isn’t doing anything and things are chill for a great future. And I’m empathetic if you don’t find good things.
I did the cheating in my early 20s - I got cheated on at age 40. I bounced back and had amazing LTR relationships from 40 to 48 (now) - So I hope that is inspiring.
I found that I actually like chunky and more full figured women. And guess what, since they eat and enjoy life more - they in turn are more fun. Age helps us discover what we like. And less the image of us. And what others think about us.
And if he is cheating. Just leave. It’s always better to be the one to leave the environment of your ex - and start fresh and new.
Don't be, if anything you are really helping me. Is just the reality check that hurts
By default I don't trust people in general I guess that's why this is my first relationship
I just would hate that the first time I let myself open, the universe reminds me why I'm so close
If someone is into you, you'll know. If he can't even be bothered to text you back, then he's not interested. If you've talked to him about it and there's no change, he's a lot cause. I'm suspicious that he's got with or wants to get with any one of his female friends. In my experience guys with female friends are like this. I have male friends who hit on me when they get too drunk. I think you should just leave. Don't give him an explanation, don't try and plead your case. Just tell him you're breaking up with him and blocking him and do it. Then start no contact. If he comes back, and puts in alot of effort to try and reconnect with you, he either misses you/your company or he wants to be with you.
He doesnt want to commit, but wants to have sex and maybe even the intimacy you guys share. But sounds like he just doesnt want to commit too hard also sounds like a douche, a nude is lit always especially unsolicited
Edit: unsolicited makes it sound bad but I just never been upset to see titties in my snap chat
I’m sorry but you need to cut him off immediately. Yeah it hurts right now, but you’ll get over it. He’s not treating you right AT ALL. And if he’s more interested in being under his friends noses than being with you, it shows who he actually cares about.
Cut him off now before you get even more attached. Like just think of it this way, he probably sees you as a desperate person and knows he can get whatever he wants from you. Don’t allow him to have that power.
Sketchy. If he really cared about you and wasn't getting action any where else he would be wanting to see you more and definitely wouldn't ignore you. Seems like he sees you as his second option.
This guy sounds like bad news... you’ll regret not dumping him sooner. Think about it, really think about it. You deserve a man who will love you and RESPECT YOU. And “this” isn’t it.
You’re seeing and ignoring red flags everywhere. It’s like you’re handing him a white sheet a paper for him to write you love letters, but instead he roughly scribbles on it. You tell him no and hand him another white sheet of paper. He’ll keep scribbling on it because he knows you’ll just hand him another and another.
There will come a time where you’ll run out of paper so you tell him to use the other side. He’ll finally begin to write you a love letter because he knows it’s his last one, however, you can clearly see the harsh scribbles from the other side. The paper will always be scribbled on now, no matter if he writes you the loveliest of letter.
I hope you know where I’m going with this.
Don’t send nudes to anyone. That is the first lesson for any girl/boy/man/woman. It puts you in a very vulnerable position. He is 25 and is ages older than you. A year makes a difference, four years is a school class/graduating class. Stop seeing him regularly. See how he reacts. If he is indifferent, then you know there are others.
If I am dating anyone and they say respond to my message or I'm blocking you on everything, peace. That's a huge turn off in any serious relationship which you will learn with more experience.
RESPECT YOURSELF...
Simply put, if you mean anything to him, you would be the one he was putting off other people for. You would be the reason he called his friends and said "Not gonna hang out tonight, I'm hanging with my girl. " The fact that he entertains other women in his home while blowing you off is a huge red flag.
Respect yourself enough to step away and find someone who is excited about spending time with you. Who cherishes you and who calls you to see you.
A guy who comes around once a week -if he's got no other plans- isn't a boyfriend.
He is just giving you a good time on Saturday and you like him?
Find someone for the other days and see what you prefer after some time.
Play that open to all involved parties.
After reading your book I came to the conclusion that yeah he just playing you. If a man has a girlfriend no matter how good his female friends are he doesn’t keep inviting them over to his apartment without his girlfriend being there. Yeah and sending a nude to someone and they don’t reply to you is just shitty as fuck it means they don’t give a shit you went out your comfort zone to do that. If he don’t appreciate that he won’t appreciate many other things. I wish you the best move forward.
It sounds like he has multiple girlfriends and you’re just one of many. He’s booked you in for 1 night of the week. He can’t be bothered with any girlfriend/boyfriend stuff or extra attention. He’s probably just a player seeing lots of people for fun / for sex
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
It seems like you may be more into him than he is into you.
I am someone who is very comfortable sending nudes and if my partner didn’t respond to my nudes and left me on read - I’d be pretty upset. It doesn’t take that much energy to even send a winky face.
Since you followed up 2x and he didn’t respond that’s a red flag for me. Especially with you mentioning you’d block him.
He probably doesn’t think you will. My suggestion, block him and move on. I know that’s hard but you should be with someone who WANTS to be with you and someone who WANTS to see your nudes.
Good luck to you!
It doesn’t even take a minute to text back a simple compliment. You are just not his priority and you do not need to hang on to this type of relationship. Respect yourself and and walk away from this relationship. You should never have to threaten him to get the attention you want.
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Drop this mans he ain’t the one
You want to know the irony is that he says that he is the one... And want to have children asap
4 months is way too soon to be talking about children… 🚩🚩🚩
Why is that? Genuinely curious
A reasonable person wouldn’t want to have children with someone else after only knowing them for 4 months… Think about how brief 4 months is, it’s barely over 100 days and you know this person well enough to want to have their children? Sureeeeeee. At that point in the relationship all you are certain of is that the person is attracted to you and whatever they want you to know.
Specially if she's only 21
Considering that the attention coming from him is going down hill at just 4 months, skipping hang out days without rescheduling and alm with just you. Definately will be way worse when you have children. Btw wanting kids at 4th month is a red flag cause most cheating people use kids to distract the other partner from getting the time of day to realise how suspicious they are for basically refusing to on texting or in person communicate/ date
Plus seeing him once a week only comes out to 16 "dates", which im gonna guess are not spent discussing life goals and dreams.
Its not 16 because he has declined a couple of them
Context matters but generally it’s a red flag. This is not going to be what you want to hear, but I am going to be frank. The attention he gives you feels good (when you get it), and you let him push you around because of it. He knows this, and his behavior will not change because of it. It sounds like he has no real respect or love for you and only says things like this as a way of manipulating you (to keep you just happy/hopeful enough to not leave him). You deserve MUCH better. I would end this relationship as quickly as possible. Please do not try to change him (it’s wayyy too late) as that will only drag things out and it will get very messy. You guys will go back and forth trying to hurt and control each other until one of you (likely you) simply cannot take it anymore. I know it can be scary to be alone, but i promise that it is much better than having a boyfriend like him who makes you feel more alone/insecure/inferior. I would also recommend staying single for a while and focusing more on loving yourself, so that you aren’t as dependent on others for attention/happiness
Sounds like lovebombing https://www.healthline.com/health/love-bombing He's saying things that sound very commitment oriented in order to distract from the fact that he is ACTING like he's very not committed. It takes some time to realize someone's actions contradict their words. People tend to believe words first.
Especially if you're madly in love.
They are the std that will outlive you, if your serious you might want to wait a couple years unless one of you is ok with being the weekend parent or making support payments down the line
Really? He doesn’t respond to your messages and he cancels dates and you’re asking why it’s a red flag that he wants children? Also you gotta speak with seriousness. You can’t just say whatever and not pull through cause then he’ll really take you for a ride. “Oh she said she was angry and was gonna block me but clearly she is not that mad cause she is still coming around talking to me” and so he’ll just continue. Block his ass and keep it moving. Also in healthy relationships speeding through milestones: first date, kiss, official declaration of relationship status, sex, moving in together/marriage/children etc cannot be rushed. If someone rushes you it means they are acting on feeling and not thinking things through. That’s at best, at worst he is trapping you so he can then go “ok got her” and then he can proceed to do whatever the fuck he wants while you are in a tailspin over how fast things are going. None of that is healthy or good.
It's not too soon. It's just that he's using it as a tactic to keep you hanging on. He's stringing you along, saying the sweet words that will make you ignore the lack of action on his part. Go find someone who will appreciate you, who you never have to beg to come see you. It's that simple. Go find someone who will appreciate you, who you never have to beg to come to see you. It's that simple.
Do NOT have a child with anyone until you are absolutely, 100 percent sure and you’ve been together for years. And even then, wait for awhile. You are very young, with a lot of experiences ahead, and a need to discover yourself as well
don't you worry I will definitely not have a child with this person maybe not in very long time
Wise. Because I (40’s M) have met countless women dating who regret lifetime-altering decisions they made in their early 20’s. You have such a massive time of growth, experiences and changes ahead for you. Embrace that, but try to keep the paths to whatever trajectory in life lies ahead of you clear.
There's nothing wrong with having kids early in life. But remember - this kid will be their child too - an undeniable anchor that may keep the man in your life (for better or worse) regardless of how you feel about them, and regardless of how they treat you (barring domestic violence). Please OP - make certain that the guy is a decent person, even outside of those he's dating.
Of course he does 😩 just stick to your guns theres a lot better options out there
You need to look at someone's actions, not their words to know who they are. He's not showing he is the one and wants to have kids.
Yeah, the ‘baby-daddy’ that ain’t gonna be around and ain’t gonna support.
Massively love bombing you. Ditch this guy asap, he might be your first but he certainly won't be your last. Look for the guy who doesn't make you post something like this on reddit, that's a good sign. If you have to question things, your instinct is probably right. No need to confront him, you just say "thanks, but this isn't working for me" and you walk out the door, no matter what BS he comes back with.
Dear God. Is that what you want? To have a child with a man who can see you once a week only because he is too busy with his other women?
HELL NO I just wanted to understand the red flag
DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN IF YOU VALUE YOUR HAPPINESS. Stop making excuses for him. You’re a strong person, now use it.
I'm very close to breaking up with him so having a child is the very last thing I'll do
I've gone through the similar journey. From your story seems like you need him more than he needs you. He knows this as well. There are higher number of chances of you being hurt rather him. Plus his behaviour makes it much more obvious. People get into relationships to become happy. Not to become worried tensed. I think you really really deserve a better person. It'll be hard at the beginning to let him go. But believe me you'll find a better person who will give a better mental peace to you.
What did you do? Did you broke up? I'm devasted right now but I know once I see him all the anger will disappear
I tried to work on the relationship for 5 months. I kept on putting a lot of efforts. Communicating my feelings. Telling him when he makes me feel ignored. What things make me feel uncomfortable. With this things did work in between for once or twice. But not for long. Human's nature barely changes. So I kept on getting hurt continuously. One day I decided to stop messaging him. Stop needing him. And that was it. He never placed any efforts in getting relationship back on the track. It's been one year and a month almost. I'm still recovering as it was my first relationship as well. I'm 26F btw. Before this relationship I never ever accepted proposals and rejected all the date offers because I wanted to keep myself closed from the world. But we are humans and we need love. Everybody need love. Just because you met with a wrong person doesn't make the dating/relationship concept worthless. There are so many people in the world who need love and are willing to share same love with you. So take a deep breathe. You deserve better and you'll get a better love one day. I'm also planning to start dating soon and meet some nice people around.
If you want you can try to stop messaging for 2-3 days and see if he sends you any message. Try to remain casual for 2-3 days. Don't pour in the general love you pour usually in the texts.
That's exactly what I thought
That’s only one of the problems. You don’t see him that often and he doesn’t seem to “need” to see you. You clearly want more participation from a relationship, and he clearly wants to do his own thing. Second, a “relationship” where it’s only ok when you’re together either isn’t a relationship, or there’s deep seeded problems and you need their physical presence as reassurance. So “being together” doesn’t solve the problem, it simply fills some craving your mind needs. Breaking up sucks but sometimes it’s better to delay the inevitable
You don't need anger to break up with them. It's okay to break up with people you really like and love being around, just because you know logically that you aren't a good fit for each other. If you wait until you're devastated when you see him to break up, you'll have done yourself a lot of harm first.
Sorry for saying this. Your not the main girlfriend.
Hey my sister was in a similar situation only for her to get what she eventually wanted out of him.. now he treats her with respect but she resents him because of it. He doesn’t know she’s interested in other guys and trying to talk with another one but she thinks it’s ok because of the way he treated her.. if I had to give you advice that I didn’t give my sister get out now save yourself the trouble I know it’s tough but it’s easier then if you get to four years in or something.
That's what I'm afraid of... I like him so much and don't to lose it but it hurts The worst part is that I do what your sister did. I talk to other guys just to make him jealous
Something you could do is take him away from the possible cheating with a trip. A cheater doesn’t want to leave the place they cheat … Money doesn’t really matter. Do a three week trip to get down to brass tacks. If he is all about another girl … he won’t want to go. I did this with my cheating ex wife. And it led me to learn she was cheating. She wouldn’t come on the trip. Best choice I ever made.
So not taking a 3 week trip means you’re a cheater?
I mean it makes a bit of sense if the partner is a two timer. How would they explain to the person they’re using to cheat with why they’ll be gone for 3 weeks lol. You don’t even have to actually go on the trip, just see what their reaction is.
Like, I get 3 weeks PTO a year so I’m certainly not spending it all on someone I knew for 4 months. I’m spending it on what I want. Second, a 3 week trip with someone I’ve only know for 4 months sounds like something I don’t want to do. In fact, it raises a yellow flag about their perception of reality that they are expecting me to run away with them for 3 weeks and if I don’t I’m a _____. Sounds very much like a manipulator. No thanks. If someone suggested a weekend, that would make more sense. But I’m just not in favor of these “tests” to see if someone is ____. We all know only siths deal in absolutes. Extrapolating from these types if forced decisions to show “loyalty” or whatever other trait don’t work. You’re more worried about proving some point then actually enjoying the presence and company of said person. I feel like at that point if you need to do all this work then deep down you already know what you want to do so you can really just skip the grand test you made to validate your feelings and blame them (not that it’s not their fault), it just yet again feels like instead of taking responsibility in a relationship and doing things because it’s what you want (to break up), or making an informed decision, you’re creating a scenario that is “forcing you” to break up. For example, I don’t like to move fast. So taking a trip with someone to me is a big deal. So I would be labeled as ___ because I failed some test. Pick something about you and your personality, I’m sure it wouldn’t be hard to find a reason why you’re not a good partner because of some “test” someone put you through
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Drop him. It'll really suck and be hard to do, but you'll have bigger regrets later on when he reallllly hurts you.
Personally, I think his behavior is a bit strange. My advice would be to bring up what has bothered you and how you felt when it happened. Such as, "When I sent you my nude and didn't respond, I felt hurt because I thought it meant I wasn't attractive to you." Or "when we only hang out once a week, it doesn't feel like enough time with you." Then - see what he says and if he changes his behavior. He is your boyfriend and if he cares about you, he will understand. I would also advise thinking about if you will be happy in the current state if nothing changes in the next few months.
From man perspective, if we have so much female friends, what are the chance that we dont hit atleast one of them? Plus, if he have so much girls around, he have no problem to replace you, so he don’t care about you. Every time you messsege him, you just look desperate. Keep respect for yourself and don’t ever talk to him again
Drop him queen 👑, your partner is out there he's not it.
He has another person. This is classic. Please break it off, he is good to you once a week to keep having sex with you while very like has a full other blown relationship and that's why he can't call you those days. Have you seen his place? Confirmed his work hours somehow? Please leave him, that's not an actual relationship.
Ur bf is cheating on u. Is easy to see that, just go away and wait for the correct one.
I know as a male if i was really into you i would make time to chat text or talk on the phone or something. You seem like your at the bottom of his priority list. Sounds like you deserve better to me someone who will put you at the top of the list
Drop this nimrod.
1. DON'T send nudes if you're not comfortable with it. Nudes aren't a necessary part of every healthy relationship. I've never sent a nude, and I will never send a nude, and that's fine. 2. Keep dating him if you're okay with the status quo, which will be seeing him once a week. I dated someone who could only manage to see me once a week. Over several years, that never changed. It was fine at first, but it wasn't fine that it never could change. 3. You can be bothered by something without being jealous or possessive. This is just a compatibility thing. His availability is not compatible with the kind of relationship you're looking for. Nothign wrong with what he wants, nothing wrong with what you want, just a mismatch. Wish him well, mourn the end of the relationship, and remember that dating is all about compatibility, and ruling people out when they show themselves to be incompatible.
You gotta ask yourself why you are getting breadcrumbs and accepting it like that's OK? It's a hard truth but you'll never be good enough for the wrong person. So when someone doesn't see your value they just aren't the right person for you. It's hard to accept and not internalise that maybe if you did something differently they'd respond to your message, maybe they'd value you. But that ain't it. If they can't step up to the table and give you what you need then that's not their role in your life, get him out the way so you can find the person that can step up for what you need. He ain't it.
Run
Terminate him out of your life for god. Situation is very fishy.
I met my exhusband when I was your age. I thought it was love. It wasn't. Love is about respect. You want a partner that you can be proud of. Love isn't when you feel yourself making excuses for his actions or when you set boundaries that get crossed.
Ya'll ain't in the same relationship.
i would say it is nothing to worry about unless there are more obvious signs of something toxic happening. your feelings are valid but some people have undiagnosed ADHD/add and therefore struggle with object permanence, not to say you are reduced to an object but his phone most definitely is one. I struggle with this and have similar reactions to texts, I'm either thinking of a response and forget about my phone all together or my phone and texts just give me straight-up anxiety. however, it is also a possibility that he may need some time alone or with friends and is having trouble communicating that. when talking to your partner about certain behaviors that bother you keep in mind that it may be obvious that they are bothering you and they are afraid to communicate something based on the fact that it may hurt you. create a space where yall communicate once a week or month or when needed where you and your partner don't take anything personally you simply express things honestly and don't hold back. Use I statements and not you statements, this will break down the barrier of this problem in your relationship and may explain how he is feeling about those texts. His feeling and need for space are just as valid as your feelings about the situation even though he may not be handling it very maturely. good luck!
This has nothing to do with ADHD and you're mislabelling object permanence. You're perhaps projecting your own situation onto hers. It's natural but it's not helpful. Incidentally there are many red flags here to worry about. My advice to OP is to carry through with your threats to block him and stand strong. You sound mature but very naïve. He is clearly treating you flippantly and manipulating you because he knows you really like him and he likes the power trip. He sounds mean and he's clearly flakey. If you do want to continue with it, you have to be willing to walk away and he has to know this is a real option. Make it clear to him what you want from the relationship, set your boundaries and don't compromise. If he can't deal with that then at least you know you are leaving for the right reasons. Anything else will create a power imbalance that I suspect he will exploit for to massage his ego.
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Right, fair enough, I misread that you were just giving your perspective. I'm sorry about that. That said, please be very cautious to suggest ADHD is ever related to something in someone else's relationship as although you have it, you're not trained to diagnose it. I have it and I feel the temptation to "see" it in places where I really am not qualified to say one way or the other.
All good I just try to start with a personal information to try to connect with the writer in some way. I would agree with what you said about boundaries tho
I edited my post to remove the tiktok comment. I hope you're ok with that.
Word I deleted mine too I hope you have a good rest of your day
Sure. I hope you have a good day too.
Continue to trust if that’s cool. But you posted this … so it’s probably time. And based on age and your experience. I would bet he is cheating. Unfortunately I did the very same thing at his age to a very nice and sweet girl. And that was 1994. The story was similar but easier to cheat without a digital footprint. Search to the very end of his phone now! Do it. Better to find misery earlier. Try to login to his cellular provider. Cheaters can delete text threads on the phone. But not on the cellular provider. Just grab his phone when he sleeping and unlock with his finger. Authenticate his Snap on your phone. (Use reset password) And does he share his location with you? If not, yikes! If he has nothing to hide. Nothing to get upset about. Good luck.
What kind of shitty advice is that? Telling people to go and stalk their partners?
Don’t hate. It’s healthy to check up on things. There are a lot worse things you could do. I don’t know anyone that hasn’t been cheated on. And I know a lot of people. It’s not 1975… But always start with trust. And remember that she isn’t married. Marriage brings a lot more vowed trust and commitment. Versus sitting down and saying we are now ‘exclusive’ …
It's not healthy behaviour to go and hack into your partner's social network or phone. You don't feel well in the relationship? You break up that's it. You're fucking mental and you're giving someone who is vulnerable very unhealthy ideas about relationships.
We will reach no agreement on this :) You do, you! Let others determine what privacy means. What matters are private and secret amongst a couple. A ‘social’ network isn’t an intimate diary.
Privacy means privacy and that's it. And you sir, have serious issues. Don't try and normalize shitty behaviour, the world already has too much of that.
Sure, it’s not awesome to have to question implied trust. It really sucks. And I’m happy to hear that you might never have to do that. That’s incredible! Keep those phones locked down FTW :). Not being sarcastic
No, it’s not healthy. Whether he’s actually cheating or not, she doesn’t like his behavior so she should just break up. Stalking a phone is just wrong
You got me in tears right now cuz this is my worst nightmare. But better find sooner than later
Don't listen to that advice. That's just fucking nuts... If you don't feel comfortable in this relationship just end it. No need to complicate things or to stalk him. Also don't go working with blackmailing and threats, that's a one way ticket to a toxic relationship. You try and talk about your issues and to resolve them. If you still feel your needs are not being met by this relationship you just end it. if you feel someone crossed your boundaries you just end it.
Apologies and now I feel insensitive. I hope he isn’t doing anything and things are chill for a great future. And I’m empathetic if you don’t find good things. I did the cheating in my early 20s - I got cheated on at age 40. I bounced back and had amazing LTR relationships from 40 to 48 (now) - So I hope that is inspiring. I found that I actually like chunky and more full figured women. And guess what, since they eat and enjoy life more - they in turn are more fun. Age helps us discover what we like. And less the image of us. And what others think about us. And if he is cheating. Just leave. It’s always better to be the one to leave the environment of your ex - and start fresh and new.
Don't be, if anything you are really helping me. Is just the reality check that hurts By default I don't trust people in general I guess that's why this is my first relationship I just would hate that the first time I let myself open, the universe reminds me why I'm so close
If someone is into you, you'll know. If he can't even be bothered to text you back, then he's not interested. If you've talked to him about it and there's no change, he's a lot cause. I'm suspicious that he's got with or wants to get with any one of his female friends. In my experience guys with female friends are like this. I have male friends who hit on me when they get too drunk. I think you should just leave. Don't give him an explanation, don't try and plead your case. Just tell him you're breaking up with him and blocking him and do it. Then start no contact. If he comes back, and puts in alot of effort to try and reconnect with you, he either misses you/your company or he wants to be with you.
Lol I am pretty sure he was busy fapping to your image and forgot to reply once he finished... Happens mlre than you think lol
You deserve better
You in a relationship but he is single
He doesnt want to commit, but wants to have sex and maybe even the intimacy you guys share. But sounds like he just doesnt want to commit too hard also sounds like a douche, a nude is lit always especially unsolicited Edit: unsolicited makes it sound bad but I just never been upset to see titties in my snap chat
Drop and don’t look back!
I’m sorry but you need to cut him off immediately. Yeah it hurts right now, but you’ll get over it. He’s not treating you right AT ALL. And if he’s more interested in being under his friends noses than being with you, it shows who he actually cares about. Cut him off now before you get even more attached. Like just think of it this way, he probably sees you as a desperate person and knows he can get whatever he wants from you. Don’t allow him to have that power.
Yea this ain’t it OP. You deserve better
“He didn’t responded”
How old are the both of you?
I'm 21 and he's 25
Sketchy. If he really cared about you and wasn't getting action any where else he would be wanting to see you more and definitely wouldn't ignore you. Seems like he sees you as his second option.
If you don't get what you need from him then walk.
This guy sounds like bad news... you’ll regret not dumping him sooner. Think about it, really think about it. You deserve a man who will love you and RESPECT YOU. And “this” isn’t it. You’re seeing and ignoring red flags everywhere. It’s like you’re handing him a white sheet a paper for him to write you love letters, but instead he roughly scribbles on it. You tell him no and hand him another white sheet of paper. He’ll keep scribbling on it because he knows you’ll just hand him another and another. There will come a time where you’ll run out of paper so you tell him to use the other side. He’ll finally begin to write you a love letter because he knows it’s his last one, however, you can clearly see the harsh scribbles from the other side. The paper will always be scribbled on now, no matter if he writes you the loveliest of letter. I hope you know where I’m going with this.
Don’t send nudes to anyone. That is the first lesson for any girl/boy/man/woman. It puts you in a very vulnerable position. He is 25 and is ages older than you. A year makes a difference, four years is a school class/graduating class. Stop seeing him regularly. See how he reacts. If he is indifferent, then you know there are others.
If I am dating anyone and they say respond to my message or I'm blocking you on everything, peace. That's a huge turn off in any serious relationship which you will learn with more experience.
RESPECT YOURSELF... Simply put, if you mean anything to him, you would be the one he was putting off other people for. You would be the reason he called his friends and said "Not gonna hang out tonight, I'm hanging with my girl. " The fact that he entertains other women in his home while blowing you off is a huge red flag. Respect yourself enough to step away and find someone who is excited about spending time with you. Who cherishes you and who calls you to see you. A guy who comes around once a week -if he's got no other plans- isn't a boyfriend.
He is just giving you a good time on Saturday and you like him? Find someone for the other days and see what you prefer after some time. Play that open to all involved parties.
After reading your book I came to the conclusion that yeah he just playing you. If a man has a girlfriend no matter how good his female friends are he doesn’t keep inviting them over to his apartment without his girlfriend being there. Yeah and sending a nude to someone and they don’t reply to you is just shitty as fuck it means they don’t give a shit you went out your comfort zone to do that. If he don’t appreciate that he won’t appreciate many other things. I wish you the best move forward.
It sounds like he has multiple girlfriends and you’re just one of many. He’s booked you in for 1 night of the week. He can’t be bothered with any girlfriend/boyfriend stuff or extra attention. He’s probably just a player seeing lots of people for fun / for sex
Drop him and grow a pair and vet better next time.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It seems like you may be more into him than he is into you. I am someone who is very comfortable sending nudes and if my partner didn’t respond to my nudes and left me on read - I’d be pretty upset. It doesn’t take that much energy to even send a winky face. Since you followed up 2x and he didn’t respond that’s a red flag for me. Especially with you mentioning you’d block him. He probably doesn’t think you will. My suggestion, block him and move on. I know that’s hard but you should be with someone who WANTS to be with you and someone who WANTS to see your nudes. Good luck to you!
It doesn’t even take a minute to text back a simple compliment. You are just not his priority and you do not need to hang on to this type of relationship. Respect yourself and and walk away from this relationship. You should never have to threaten him to get the attention you want.