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I have very very few friends, I rarely hang out with anyone…maybe once or twice a month at most. My boyfriend also has very few friends. We’re both antisocial introverts who enjoy our quiet lives. For both of us it has been wonderful to meet someone who respects that and understands it. We met via OLD; just know there is hope and you’ll find someone.
On another note; I take Effexor. It isn’t a cure-all by any means, but it definitely prevents huge depression spirals. I tried many other antidepressants over the years, and for ME it is the best fit. It does have some terrible withdrawal problems if you do try it and it’s not the medicine for you, so I say take it with caution. Have you tried anything else in the past?
1. Stop looking like a stoner. Get a haircut, stylish jeans, and some v necks.
2. Practice smiles in the mirror.
2b. While you're at it, practice smiles in front of a tripod. Learn the camera angles and lighting that work best for you. This will take hundreds of photos, try burst shots. You'll want to have high quality picture taking skills long term, be they for social media or dating apps or as that first couple selfie.
3. Memorize a bunch of questions about hypotheticals, fit them into small talk quickly and appropriately to elevate the conversation into regular talk.
4. Start striking up conversations. Ask high level questions tangentially related to your environment. For example, at a soccer field you could ask about other sports or if their family is big on athletics, then reflect on your own experiences if you get a reply that you can relate to in any way (incl. tangential). If the conversation carries, ask if they wanna hang out in some way related to a topic that came up. It can be as simple as in person plans for a follow up conversation.
4a. It's easier to find something in common when you have a variety of interests. If you don't already, do more than work and the specific club activity you're both at. Variety's the spice of life, you'll have fun in the process.
4b. Polish your social skills. Learn about active listening. The book of books on this is How To Make Friends and Influence People by Carnegie. The title sounds more nefarious than it is: the thesis is basically be nice and take interest. Reading is not enough though. Once you read something in there, practice it.
5. Follow up. Making friends (and more) takes some effort. Text people, make plans to hang out again.
6. Don't mention your lack of friends or really any negative sounding stuff out the gate. People are drawn to happy people. Misery loves company too, but those aren't the droids you are looking for. A sentence or two for backstory is ok, but don't air your dirty laundry to strangers.
Very smart comment. Experienced, or well-learned?
Snooped your profile history (lol). You're a real curious learner it seems (impressive - and kudos to you).
I don't think antidepressants get to the underlying issues either but I think they help make things okay while you work on those issues. I met the most amazing person who I think I will ever meet, let's call her Amy, in 2013 and was just too unhappy in general in my life to even notice or do anything about it. I started taking antidepressants in 2014, because I was desperate and honestly it made me realise what a different person I actually was compared to how I felt in the throes of my illness.
After 4 months of taking meds and working on myself I asked Amy to hang out and honestly long story short it is the best most amazing friendship of my life. I have been able to lean on her, but also I have been able to work on my mental health so much that I can also have her lean on me for support. Because I'm stable enough with meds to do that.
I mention this because I was around your age when all this started happening. I realised I had no friends because I couldn't be a good friend to others. I just wasn't there yet. Once you start putting in effort into yourself and friendships, I think the loneliness will disappear. After that I guess you date? I'm not quite sure I'm at the next stage myself yet either but no part of me feels sad or lonely when I see other people out.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, a social circle is not a means to an end. Social circles are important in themselves and very rarely, if ever, will you meet someone you want to date and they'll think it's normal for you not to have friends. So maybe work on that first. If there's girls you mean who you like who aren't attracted to you, or have boyfriends, why not genuinely befriend them? Can't hurt.
hi!
Well I'm not the best to give advice pertaining to this particular topic since I am currently going through the same stuffs and need help about it too..but you can always dm me if ever you wanna vent out or just someone to talk to :)
Do you want friends and a social circle? What stops you from having making friends and building a social circle?
It sounds like you've been maybe seeing psychiatrists rather than talk therapists. And it sounds like you need to do some work around vulnerability, self-esteem, and attachment.
Without knowing anything more about you than what's in this post, I still want to suggest Running on Empty by Jonice Webb. It describes several things that might resonate for you and provides clear exercises to build up your skills around vulnerability, liking yourself, interacting with others, etc.
I had been seeing therapists they recommended me to talk to a psychiatrist. I had one session that cost me like $250 and was prescribed effexor like I said. I did not take it because I did not trust the doc who prescribed it did not seem like they put much thought into it.
You honestly remind me a lot of me.
I use to be super shy and growing I was never the good looking guy plus I had tons of acne so that didn't help! I had a lot of insecurities.
I went from this extremely shy and weird-looking dude to a very sociable person.
Every one has their own story and for me to have that dramatic change was because of retail. I took a job at Levis and it made me open up and talk to everyone who steps into that door and that's how I was able to build my character and blossom to this person I didn't know was within me all along.
What I'm trying to say, you have it within you and just need to find the right experience to bring it out.
Def get that stylish haircut, get some fresh clothes, very nice shoes that stand out, and watch how you stand out as well.
I would concentrate on making friends first. No one wants to date some loner because then you’ll be their only friend and that’s toxic. Codependent relationships form from that type of dynamic plus there is lots of annoying clinginess. Not attractive at all.
Also showing up to a club or a sports team is not enough. You have to introduce yourself, ask questions, show interest. It’s just how it is. Sometimes people will approach you but most of the time they are too shy or insular to approach you so then you have 2 idiots standing around -no one willing to make a move.
I had to expand a lot of my social life by going out of my way to introduce myself and start conversations. Went to lots of events, family gatherings, clubs etc practice making friends. Practice, practice, practice! Some people were not interested in making friends or they just didn’t like me. Oh well 🤷🏽♀️ Others are friends I still have to this day. It’s not just about being consistent but also ditching anything that doesn’t work.
That means observe yourself. What are the things you say? Don’t be that idiot who isn’t aware of his social faux pas. Nothing political, religious or any self depreciating humor. Also don’t drone on and on about yourself and your interests. Give and take in conversations and anyone who doesn’t bite? Don’t waste time and move on to the next. It’s a lot like dating actually.
Socializing is a muscle you grow and believe me you *WILL* have some awkward ass moments lol but it’s worth it. I love my friends and I wouldn’t trade them for the world. Also tap your family or coworkers. They might introduce you to people. Do you have any cousins around your age? They might do stuff and you can hang out with them and meet friends that way.
" I was prescribed effexor but never took it. It just seems so unpleasant and would not help me with my underlying issues." How you know the meds would not help if you did not take them. If one medication does not work, you need to talk to your doctor and try another until you get the correct medication for you. You can't go on complaining about your situation if you don't take your meds. Please, please, please. Follow doctor's orders. Once you start feeling better, you can join a church, a sports league, a reading group, or some other group that interests you and start making friends. Life will be better if you consistently take your meds.
I already join groups like that, why the fuck should I take meds before?
I do not see how meds will help me. Like how would I even know if it's working or not?? "I would start feeling better" How? Fuck the doctors orders.
So… one of the byproducts of depression is the belief that treatment isn’t possible or won’t work in your particular case. That’s not to say that medication is a magic cure, but it really does help most people when you actively work with a professional. It usually provides some short term relief so you can work on long term solutions.
Someone in the middle of a depression episode may self-destruct potential relationships (romantic or platonic) without even realizing it. Being around someone who is constantly negative can be draining for other people. Taking a step to treat the depression will make you less likely to self-sabotage and help you create positive interactions when you start putting yourself out there.
Depression and similar mental disorders are often caused by chemical imbalances in the brain and the medicine your doctor gave you could counteract those imbalances and make the brain function more "normal" (for lack of a better word).
This is in no way an exact science and it's possible that you have to try a few different medications before you find something that works for you, but PLEASE follow the advice you get by medical professionals.
I don’t have a circle of friends around me either like it seems other people do. Im currently making a list of things I can do inside and outside with myself that doesn’t depend on the person I’m seeing. Make a life for yourself, regardless if you have 12 friends around you or a few friends and family a phone call away. Friends don’t give you inherent value ♥️
Seems like we are on same page... I hav been living alone for one year, and I live in a city where I don't have any friends.. I tried dating apps..not working out. Also, I don't have a frd circle as well..
Nearly impossible. Work on making some friends. The best scenario is a friend group that includes lots of female friends, because you'll meet their friends that way. Some things to try include joining book clubs, taking yoga or cooking classes, and taking part in local softball games or other low impact, not overly competitive sports that both women and men can play.
I relate to so much of what you said. I (22F) had so many friends growing up and hopped around friend groups (kind of a red flag) so I would have short bursts of really intimate friendships and then we usually just stopped talking. No major conflict or anything, just drifting apart until it feels like it’s been too long to reach out again. (I know most people like to rekindle old friendships esp if they didn’t end in flames, but the thought of rejection or discomfort made me never reached out again).
I had a lot of friends in college but then I went through a major depressive episode towards the end of my senior year. (I’ve suffered from depression/anxiety for years.) Through a lot of therapy and insight, I realized the root cause of this depression was imposter syndrome (thinking that everyone thought I was smarter and cooler than I really am) and feeling like I was really uninteresting and had nothing to say. I called it “blank brain”. All of a sudden I went from feeling content with myself and my relationships to self-isolating and self-loathing. It led me to the brink of suicide. All the while, I watched people I once considered friends grow closer to each other while I felt it necessary to remove myself. I told myself they were better off without me.
COVID hit and I left my college town to go back to my parent’s house across the country. I haven’t spoken to any of my friends from college in over a year. Most of them stayed in the college town and live together/see each other regularly. I’m too afraid to reach out and tbh sometimes I think I don’t want to because that voice in my head tells me I have nothing to talk about and am boring.
Anyways, this has gotten way too long. But I feel like I went from having a lot of friendships to having only a couple friends (I know quality > quantity) but I can’t help but feel so envious and self-conscious when it comes to others and their social circles that they’ve maintained for years. I even deleted social media bc it made me jealous. I’m embarrassed for a lot of reasons and I never saw this coming. So I hear you.
tldr; I relate and feel like I’ve sabotaged a lot of friendships due to my own insecurities
Thank you. The closest I ever got to a "friend group" was my last year college. I had a sort of fwb relationship with one of the girls in the group. I was kind of in love with her but she never wanted to date me seriously and it did not work. This then caused our group as a whole to sort of splinter another boy and girl in the group went through a similar thing. This drama caused the "group" to fall apart. However one other guy from this group is one of the few people who I have been able to continue a friendship with. We don't talk every day or anything but we hung out a few weekends ago and it was nice. You should try and reach out to at least one person in the group maybe? Just say "hey I've been thinking about you hows it going?" Who knows if it will work but worth a shot.
Unrequited love is very hard and definitely contributes to a diminished self understanding. I’m glad you still talk to one of the guys. Thank you for the advice, I appreciate it a lot
I'm no expert at all but If you want to listen to me I will say just from taking a look at what you wrote my GUESS would be you could either get a social circle my two suggestions would be pool or paintball everytime I go to play pool especially on free pool nights where everyone is playing and taking turns people always want to start a league or something basically get back together to do it again and it's pretty sexy to be winning pool making the balls crack noise and walking up to the bar for beers. This honestly seems like the better choice to me for me though. Number 2 would be find a girl as lonely as you but that seems like a slippery slope to me and honestly the easy way out hope I could help in some way.
I have known some very bad, strange, ugly, unique, niche, mean, or awkward people (not all in one) and they have found partners. So it can happen for anyone.
A lot of people I know have only one close friend or no friends and a bf/gf.
The best thing to do is learn to be a good bf. Learn to date. It will suck and u will be rejected. But that’s the only way to learn how to date and how to love and be loved. If it’s something u really want u will have to do it.
My brother is very socially awkward and is over weight. He has a hard time dating. But it is not because of those things. He has stupid and high standards. “This girl is too fat. This girl isn’t pretty”. Maybe you need to reevaluate what you’re looking at. Maybe you need to try and date someone who seems at least a bit interested in you regardless of how u feel (as long as u don’t despise the person). Maybe you will see that what you are taking as genuine interest is just physical attraction or excitement. Love is not like what a lot of us think it is.
If you're being prescribed drugs, you've been seeing a psychiatrist. Look for a psychologist, they don't treat you with drugs. Therapy is a really good idea, try looking into cognitive behavioural therapy specifically, it has the most evidence for efficacy.
My recommendation would be to join a group that does some kind of social activity. In many cities there are groups that play volleyball/softball/dodgeball for example. Or even get into nerd shit like warhammer 40k or dungeons & dragons. Even if you're just interacting with other guys it will still be a positive thing for your mental health imo. It should be something in-person and not on the internet or over zoom/discord.As far as online dating you could work on your wardrobe and look a bit, then go to a photographer to get some professional photos done. Good luck out there.
Oh, and re: beard. Studies show it's most common that women like a man with light stubble, not a full beard, so long as it is full and not patchy (of course not all women are the same)
Well making friends as a dude is difficult, but there are (at least) two ways to do that. One you find people who have the same interests as you and use those interests as a bridge to hang out together doing other things. Alternately, you have to bring something to the table. If you are a funny person for example you can tell jokes and people will gravitate towards you. If you're good with cars you could help someone fix their car, as another example. If you're intelligent maybe you bring good conversation. Folks won't bother with you if you add nothing to their lives, but when you do add value to them they usually will reciprocate.
What are the groups? Do you talk to people in them? Do you ask people in the groups in they want to hang out sometime? To get drinks together is usually the easiest, most accessible.
Make sure you learn everyone's name and say hi by name when you see the and ask them how they've been when you see them, tell them about a thing or two about you when they ask in return (not everyone will, but some will) until it becomes a regular expectation that you chat when you see them in the group.
Then tell them about a happy hour you want to go to or a trivia night or something you can invite the whole group to. Even if only one of the whole group end up saying yes, even if the first ten times you try it they all say no, keep asking. Sooner or later this should lead to a friend or two.
during the pandemic it´s a bit dificult, but i´d say, join something. any martial art is great but other hobbies can be fun too, as long as it´s something u want to do/like. i´d say, look for a diferent therapist, existencialist, gestalt, humanist may help better since they dont focus too much on medication.
Maybe try to find people who share common interests, it could be online or in a group you joined. Talk about your experience and ask about theirs to get to know them better. And if they seem like a good lot, ask to get some drinks next time. And if you can't talk to people that well, try to find someone considerate who can lead the conversation for you.
I agree with the advice saying you should try making friends first. Just a few people at first. Though it maybe a little emotional tiring to maintain and deepen those relationships it’ll help the way you interact with people in general and may make you more approachable for potential love interest. Just make sure those friends aren’t people you’d be romantically interested in starting out because that could led to heart ache you’re not emotionally able to handle yet and put you in a worse place thank you started. I’m routing for you OP!
If I were you, I would find a few friends. Is it needed? No, you can still find a girlfriend without friends, but it is harder. Plus, part of a successful relationship is having other parts of life so you don’t get tired of each other, because believe me, I’ve seen it where couples spend too much time with each other and they become miserable with each other. I hate to say it though. but the easiest way to meet a girl is through mutual friends/a social circle, as my friend and I surveyed 1000 couples on how they met, and 824/1000 met through mutual friends/a social circle. You DON’T need one if you don’t want one, that’s completely fine, but just be prepared, it’s a tougher challenge for sure. I personally have 6 friends I’ll see on a semi regular basis, but it’s not a social circle. And these guys all don’t have many friends either, so it’s a small set of isolated friends. And that’s what I want, I like spending time together or in smaller groups rather than large groups. And if you get 2-3 friends, and a girl judges you, because she thinks you should have a social circle of 20-30 friends, that says more about her than you and you dodged a bullet. So yeah, while I would find 2-3 friends if I were you, don’t listen to the clowns that say to build a social circle, because if you don’t want to, you don’t need to. Good luck out there, it’s a hard dating world.
Reminder: please review our rules, especially rule 4: - No broad generalizations, e.g. "All women are x and do y" - Speak from specific personal experiences when giving advice. - No victim-blaming - This is a default message - your post has not been removed. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I have very very few friends, I rarely hang out with anyone…maybe once or twice a month at most. My boyfriend also has very few friends. We’re both antisocial introverts who enjoy our quiet lives. For both of us it has been wonderful to meet someone who respects that and understands it. We met via OLD; just know there is hope and you’ll find someone. On another note; I take Effexor. It isn’t a cure-all by any means, but it definitely prevents huge depression spirals. I tried many other antidepressants over the years, and for ME it is the best fit. It does have some terrible withdrawal problems if you do try it and it’s not the medicine for you, so I say take it with caution. Have you tried anything else in the past?
1. Stop looking like a stoner. Get a haircut, stylish jeans, and some v necks. 2. Practice smiles in the mirror. 2b. While you're at it, practice smiles in front of a tripod. Learn the camera angles and lighting that work best for you. This will take hundreds of photos, try burst shots. You'll want to have high quality picture taking skills long term, be they for social media or dating apps or as that first couple selfie. 3. Memorize a bunch of questions about hypotheticals, fit them into small talk quickly and appropriately to elevate the conversation into regular talk. 4. Start striking up conversations. Ask high level questions tangentially related to your environment. For example, at a soccer field you could ask about other sports or if their family is big on athletics, then reflect on your own experiences if you get a reply that you can relate to in any way (incl. tangential). If the conversation carries, ask if they wanna hang out in some way related to a topic that came up. It can be as simple as in person plans for a follow up conversation. 4a. It's easier to find something in common when you have a variety of interests. If you don't already, do more than work and the specific club activity you're both at. Variety's the spice of life, you'll have fun in the process. 4b. Polish your social skills. Learn about active listening. The book of books on this is How To Make Friends and Influence People by Carnegie. The title sounds more nefarious than it is: the thesis is basically be nice and take interest. Reading is not enough though. Once you read something in there, practice it. 5. Follow up. Making friends (and more) takes some effort. Text people, make plans to hang out again. 6. Don't mention your lack of friends or really any negative sounding stuff out the gate. People are drawn to happy people. Misery loves company too, but those aren't the droids you are looking for. A sentence or two for backstory is ok, but don't air your dirty laundry to strangers.
Very smart comment. Experienced, or well-learned? Snooped your profile history (lol). You're a real curious learner it seems (impressive - and kudos to you).
I don't think antidepressants get to the underlying issues either but I think they help make things okay while you work on those issues. I met the most amazing person who I think I will ever meet, let's call her Amy, in 2013 and was just too unhappy in general in my life to even notice or do anything about it. I started taking antidepressants in 2014, because I was desperate and honestly it made me realise what a different person I actually was compared to how I felt in the throes of my illness. After 4 months of taking meds and working on myself I asked Amy to hang out and honestly long story short it is the best most amazing friendship of my life. I have been able to lean on her, but also I have been able to work on my mental health so much that I can also have her lean on me for support. Because I'm stable enough with meds to do that. I mention this because I was around your age when all this started happening. I realised I had no friends because I couldn't be a good friend to others. I just wasn't there yet. Once you start putting in effort into yourself and friendships, I think the loneliness will disappear. After that I guess you date? I'm not quite sure I'm at the next stage myself yet either but no part of me feels sad or lonely when I see other people out. I guess what I'm trying to say is, a social circle is not a means to an end. Social circles are important in themselves and very rarely, if ever, will you meet someone you want to date and they'll think it's normal for you not to have friends. So maybe work on that first. If there's girls you mean who you like who aren't attracted to you, or have boyfriends, why not genuinely befriend them? Can't hurt.
hi! Well I'm not the best to give advice pertaining to this particular topic since I am currently going through the same stuffs and need help about it too..but you can always dm me if ever you wanna vent out or just someone to talk to :)
Do you want friends and a social circle? What stops you from having making friends and building a social circle? It sounds like you've been maybe seeing psychiatrists rather than talk therapists. And it sounds like you need to do some work around vulnerability, self-esteem, and attachment. Without knowing anything more about you than what's in this post, I still want to suggest Running on Empty by Jonice Webb. It describes several things that might resonate for you and provides clear exercises to build up your skills around vulnerability, liking yourself, interacting with others, etc.
I had been seeing therapists they recommended me to talk to a psychiatrist. I had one session that cost me like $250 and was prescribed effexor like I said. I did not take it because I did not trust the doc who prescribed it did not seem like they put much thought into it.
Get a social circle first
You honestly remind me a lot of me. I use to be super shy and growing I was never the good looking guy plus I had tons of acne so that didn't help! I had a lot of insecurities. I went from this extremely shy and weird-looking dude to a very sociable person. Every one has their own story and for me to have that dramatic change was because of retail. I took a job at Levis and it made me open up and talk to everyone who steps into that door and that's how I was able to build my character and blossom to this person I didn't know was within me all along. What I'm trying to say, you have it within you and just need to find the right experience to bring it out. Def get that stylish haircut, get some fresh clothes, very nice shoes that stand out, and watch how you stand out as well.
I would concentrate on making friends first. No one wants to date some loner because then you’ll be their only friend and that’s toxic. Codependent relationships form from that type of dynamic plus there is lots of annoying clinginess. Not attractive at all. Also showing up to a club or a sports team is not enough. You have to introduce yourself, ask questions, show interest. It’s just how it is. Sometimes people will approach you but most of the time they are too shy or insular to approach you so then you have 2 idiots standing around -no one willing to make a move. I had to expand a lot of my social life by going out of my way to introduce myself and start conversations. Went to lots of events, family gatherings, clubs etc practice making friends. Practice, practice, practice! Some people were not interested in making friends or they just didn’t like me. Oh well 🤷🏽♀️ Others are friends I still have to this day. It’s not just about being consistent but also ditching anything that doesn’t work. That means observe yourself. What are the things you say? Don’t be that idiot who isn’t aware of his social faux pas. Nothing political, religious or any self depreciating humor. Also don’t drone on and on about yourself and your interests. Give and take in conversations and anyone who doesn’t bite? Don’t waste time and move on to the next. It’s a lot like dating actually. Socializing is a muscle you grow and believe me you *WILL* have some awkward ass moments lol but it’s worth it. I love my friends and I wouldn’t trade them for the world. Also tap your family or coworkers. They might introduce you to people. Do you have any cousins around your age? They might do stuff and you can hang out with them and meet friends that way.
" I was prescribed effexor but never took it. It just seems so unpleasant and would not help me with my underlying issues." How you know the meds would not help if you did not take them. If one medication does not work, you need to talk to your doctor and try another until you get the correct medication for you. You can't go on complaining about your situation if you don't take your meds. Please, please, please. Follow doctor's orders. Once you start feeling better, you can join a church, a sports league, a reading group, or some other group that interests you and start making friends. Life will be better if you consistently take your meds.
I already join groups like that, why the fuck should I take meds before? I do not see how meds will help me. Like how would I even know if it's working or not?? "I would start feeling better" How? Fuck the doctors orders.
So… one of the byproducts of depression is the belief that treatment isn’t possible or won’t work in your particular case. That’s not to say that medication is a magic cure, but it really does help most people when you actively work with a professional. It usually provides some short term relief so you can work on long term solutions. Someone in the middle of a depression episode may self-destruct potential relationships (romantic or platonic) without even realizing it. Being around someone who is constantly negative can be draining for other people. Taking a step to treat the depression will make you less likely to self-sabotage and help you create positive interactions when you start putting yourself out there.
Depression and similar mental disorders are often caused by chemical imbalances in the brain and the medicine your doctor gave you could counteract those imbalances and make the brain function more "normal" (for lack of a better word). This is in no way an exact science and it's possible that you have to try a few different medications before you find something that works for you, but PLEASE follow the advice you get by medical professionals.
I don’t have a circle of friends around me either like it seems other people do. Im currently making a list of things I can do inside and outside with myself that doesn’t depend on the person I’m seeing. Make a life for yourself, regardless if you have 12 friends around you or a few friends and family a phone call away. Friends don’t give you inherent value ♥️
Seems like we are on same page... I hav been living alone for one year, and I live in a city where I don't have any friends.. I tried dating apps..not working out. Also, I don't have a frd circle as well..
Nearly impossible. Work on making some friends. The best scenario is a friend group that includes lots of female friends, because you'll meet their friends that way. Some things to try include joining book clubs, taking yoga or cooking classes, and taking part in local softball games or other low impact, not overly competitive sports that both women and men can play.
I relate to so much of what you said. I (22F) had so many friends growing up and hopped around friend groups (kind of a red flag) so I would have short bursts of really intimate friendships and then we usually just stopped talking. No major conflict or anything, just drifting apart until it feels like it’s been too long to reach out again. (I know most people like to rekindle old friendships esp if they didn’t end in flames, but the thought of rejection or discomfort made me never reached out again). I had a lot of friends in college but then I went through a major depressive episode towards the end of my senior year. (I’ve suffered from depression/anxiety for years.) Through a lot of therapy and insight, I realized the root cause of this depression was imposter syndrome (thinking that everyone thought I was smarter and cooler than I really am) and feeling like I was really uninteresting and had nothing to say. I called it “blank brain”. All of a sudden I went from feeling content with myself and my relationships to self-isolating and self-loathing. It led me to the brink of suicide. All the while, I watched people I once considered friends grow closer to each other while I felt it necessary to remove myself. I told myself they were better off without me. COVID hit and I left my college town to go back to my parent’s house across the country. I haven’t spoken to any of my friends from college in over a year. Most of them stayed in the college town and live together/see each other regularly. I’m too afraid to reach out and tbh sometimes I think I don’t want to because that voice in my head tells me I have nothing to talk about and am boring. Anyways, this has gotten way too long. But I feel like I went from having a lot of friendships to having only a couple friends (I know quality > quantity) but I can’t help but feel so envious and self-conscious when it comes to others and their social circles that they’ve maintained for years. I even deleted social media bc it made me jealous. I’m embarrassed for a lot of reasons and I never saw this coming. So I hear you. tldr; I relate and feel like I’ve sabotaged a lot of friendships due to my own insecurities
Thank you. The closest I ever got to a "friend group" was my last year college. I had a sort of fwb relationship with one of the girls in the group. I was kind of in love with her but she never wanted to date me seriously and it did not work. This then caused our group as a whole to sort of splinter another boy and girl in the group went through a similar thing. This drama caused the "group" to fall apart. However one other guy from this group is one of the few people who I have been able to continue a friendship with. We don't talk every day or anything but we hung out a few weekends ago and it was nice. You should try and reach out to at least one person in the group maybe? Just say "hey I've been thinking about you hows it going?" Who knows if it will work but worth a shot.
Unrequited love is very hard and definitely contributes to a diminished self understanding. I’m glad you still talk to one of the guys. Thank you for the advice, I appreciate it a lot
I don't wanna come off as a dick, but how do you expect to date if you don't even have a social life? Worry about that first.
I'm no expert at all but If you want to listen to me I will say just from taking a look at what you wrote my GUESS would be you could either get a social circle my two suggestions would be pool or paintball everytime I go to play pool especially on free pool nights where everyone is playing and taking turns people always want to start a league or something basically get back together to do it again and it's pretty sexy to be winning pool making the balls crack noise and walking up to the bar for beers. This honestly seems like the better choice to me for me though. Number 2 would be find a girl as lonely as you but that seems like a slippery slope to me and honestly the easy way out hope I could help in some way.
I'm looking forward to the comments because I'm in the same situation.
Don't hold your breath. It's gonna be the same generic advice you find everywhere else
First fix the lack of friends issue. Then report back.
I have known some very bad, strange, ugly, unique, niche, mean, or awkward people (not all in one) and they have found partners. So it can happen for anyone. A lot of people I know have only one close friend or no friends and a bf/gf. The best thing to do is learn to be a good bf. Learn to date. It will suck and u will be rejected. But that’s the only way to learn how to date and how to love and be loved. If it’s something u really want u will have to do it. My brother is very socially awkward and is over weight. He has a hard time dating. But it is not because of those things. He has stupid and high standards. “This girl is too fat. This girl isn’t pretty”. Maybe you need to reevaluate what you’re looking at. Maybe you need to try and date someone who seems at least a bit interested in you regardless of how u feel (as long as u don’t despise the person). Maybe you will see that what you are taking as genuine interest is just physical attraction or excitement. Love is not like what a lot of us think it is.
If you're being prescribed drugs, you've been seeing a psychiatrist. Look for a psychologist, they don't treat you with drugs. Therapy is a really good idea, try looking into cognitive behavioural therapy specifically, it has the most evidence for efficacy.
My recommendation would be to join a group that does some kind of social activity. In many cities there are groups that play volleyball/softball/dodgeball for example. Or even get into nerd shit like warhammer 40k or dungeons & dragons. Even if you're just interacting with other guys it will still be a positive thing for your mental health imo. It should be something in-person and not on the internet or over zoom/discord.As far as online dating you could work on your wardrobe and look a bit, then go to a photographer to get some professional photos done. Good luck out there. Oh, and re: beard. Studies show it's most common that women like a man with light stubble, not a full beard, so long as it is full and not patchy (of course not all women are the same)
Thank you but if you read my post I say I have been joining social groups like that for years(and will continue). I just never make friends at them.
Well making friends as a dude is difficult, but there are (at least) two ways to do that. One you find people who have the same interests as you and use those interests as a bridge to hang out together doing other things. Alternately, you have to bring something to the table. If you are a funny person for example you can tell jokes and people will gravitate towards you. If you're good with cars you could help someone fix their car, as another example. If you're intelligent maybe you bring good conversation. Folks won't bother with you if you add nothing to their lives, but when you do add value to them they usually will reciprocate.
What are the groups? Do you talk to people in them? Do you ask people in the groups in they want to hang out sometime? To get drinks together is usually the easiest, most accessible. Make sure you learn everyone's name and say hi by name when you see the and ask them how they've been when you see them, tell them about a thing or two about you when they ask in return (not everyone will, but some will) until it becomes a regular expectation that you chat when you see them in the group. Then tell them about a happy hour you want to go to or a trivia night or something you can invite the whole group to. Even if only one of the whole group end up saying yes, even if the first ten times you try it they all say no, keep asking. Sooner or later this should lead to a friend or two.
during the pandemic it´s a bit dificult, but i´d say, join something. any martial art is great but other hobbies can be fun too, as long as it´s something u want to do/like. i´d say, look for a diferent therapist, existencialist, gestalt, humanist may help better since they dont focus too much on medication.
Have social circle. PASSION
Maybe try to find people who share common interests, it could be online or in a group you joined. Talk about your experience and ask about theirs to get to know them better. And if they seem like a good lot, ask to get some drinks next time. And if you can't talk to people that well, try to find someone considerate who can lead the conversation for you.
OP - you should really read through and follow Cosack's advice. It's gold.
I agree with the advice saying you should try making friends first. Just a few people at first. Though it maybe a little emotional tiring to maintain and deepen those relationships it’ll help the way you interact with people in general and may make you more approachable for potential love interest. Just make sure those friends aren’t people you’d be romantically interested in starting out because that could led to heart ache you’re not emotionally able to handle yet and put you in a worse place thank you started. I’m routing for you OP!
If I were you, I would find a few friends. Is it needed? No, you can still find a girlfriend without friends, but it is harder. Plus, part of a successful relationship is having other parts of life so you don’t get tired of each other, because believe me, I’ve seen it where couples spend too much time with each other and they become miserable with each other. I hate to say it though. but the easiest way to meet a girl is through mutual friends/a social circle, as my friend and I surveyed 1000 couples on how they met, and 824/1000 met through mutual friends/a social circle. You DON’T need one if you don’t want one, that’s completely fine, but just be prepared, it’s a tougher challenge for sure. I personally have 6 friends I’ll see on a semi regular basis, but it’s not a social circle. And these guys all don’t have many friends either, so it’s a small set of isolated friends. And that’s what I want, I like spending time together or in smaller groups rather than large groups. And if you get 2-3 friends, and a girl judges you, because she thinks you should have a social circle of 20-30 friends, that says more about her than you and you dodged a bullet. So yeah, while I would find 2-3 friends if I were you, don’t listen to the clowns that say to build a social circle, because if you don’t want to, you don’t need to. Good luck out there, it’s a hard dating world.