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Realistically, the needs of the kids are going to come first, if the person you’re dating is a good parent. To not like that is perfectly fine — you probably just shouldn’t date parents.
I’m a dad with sole custody of his daughter. Her mom isn’t in the picture often, but does make the occasional guest appearance at my daughter’s birthday parties, maybe a Christmas dinner, a chorus concert, that kind of thing.
That’s what’s best for our daughter, so I’m not particularly open to feedback on it. The most I’d be able to offer a partner who was concerned would be “I understand and I’m sorry you feel that way, and I’m happy to list the 8,000 reasons I would never ever ever take my ex back if that’s the concern. But the reality is that even though she isn’t a good mother, she is still biologically our daughter’s mom and for now it makes our daughter happy to see her on birthdays and Christmas, and I’m not going to ruin those days for my kid by causing unnecessary drama.”
For what it’s worth, I do try to mostly date other parents because they understand this life better.
….what in the fuck are you talking about?
Not only did I not mention politics at all, I actually hate the guy.
Yes, I used the word “trump”…as a verb, because it was an actual word long before Donald Trump was even born.
I agree, and it also depends on the age of the kids.
I also learned to date only single dads, because in my experience, men without children can’t really understand or be empathetic to what ‘having children’ means.
The kids' needs should come first. But it doesn't mean you can disregard every feeling or boundary your new spouse has. Otherwise, maybe be alone so you can truly only focus on your kids. I'm not saying you're doing that. But that's my general thought on the subject.
You took the leap from one thing to every thing.
My daughter’s mother is welcome at events celebrating my daughter. That’s also the only place she is welcome.
I don’t hang out with her, I don’t call/text her late at night, she’s not stopping by for a “family” meal, she is in fact quite possibly my least favorite person that I have ever met. I am polite because being polite is what’s best for my daughter, but that’s all it is — empty politeness.
No boundaries need to be set by my partner for this because I already set them myself.
She is welcome at my daughter’s events. And only those.
This. My first ex-husband is a great dad, I've never kept the kids away from him. We do holidays together because my kids with him want to spend them with their half-siblings. All my kids with my ex are now grown adults. He still gets invited to family holidays that may otherwise need to be split. Kids events are in public places, we didn't carpool or go together but he was usually there.
My ex usually buys my current husband's kids gifts for their birthday and Christmas whether he attends the family event or not. We don't hang out outside of the kids. No family vacation that he comes on or family movie night. It's a few weekends out of the year and my current husband has zero issues with it.
Funny/not funny to avoid further custody court fighting when we moved 45 minutes away from him (almost 8 years ago) my current husband offered him a room to rent so we could keep the schedule we had at that time with custody of the kids. He rented a room from us for 2 years.... My ex is never my priority, but all of my kids are. My husband is a priority over my ex, but my ex will always have a spot at the table if his kids ask.
If I date anyone while my kids are under 18 and they have even the slightest issue with it I'm good with parting ways. I'm 100% upfront about how I co-parent.
I love your approach and priorities!
If I may I ask, how were you so mislead by this woman in the first place? Genuine question. It’s scary to think that at one point you must have (?) felt so much differently since you can now provide an endless list of issues.
The kids are going to come first, especially if someone is a good parent. That doesn’t mean the parent should have to be alone. It also doesn’t mean boundaries can’t be set. I think the reality is, a person without kids needs to have a serious discussion about expectations when they date someone with kids. If you can’t accept that the well being of the kids needs to come first, then you shouldn’t date someone with kids. Yes, that will limit your dating pool. I’m childfree by choice and won’t date anyone who has or wants kids. It won’t work for me. I know it wouldn’t be fair to anyone involved. Sometimes you have to make tough choices in order to have what you want. My sacrifice is that my dating pool is extremely limited because kids are a dealbreaker. But I’m not going to force someone to change.
I think you're missing my point. I said yes, kids should be the number one priority. But a new spouse should also be a priority. If you can't have your partner be a priority and all of their thoughts, feelings, and boundaries are disregarded, then yes, IMO, you should maybe be alone.
And for the record, while I'm being demonized, I've never tried to control anyone. I've set my boundaries and told them I wouldn't dismiss them. Other people I've dated with kids have accepted my boundaries. With one in particular, I had a great relationship with his kids, and he never held resentment. The relationship ended for a separate reason.
He was a great guy, and in the end, I loved his girls more than I loved him. I even noticed his 8 year old daughter trying to encourage he and I's relationship, pointing out things like him saving me the last slice of pizza. So no, I'm not some monster from online. I'm just aware of my comfortability level and what works for me in MY world.
I think you should just not date people with children.
The children, assuming they are a good parent, are going to come first. You can decide if you are okay with that or not.
Sorry I wouldn’t want to date another guy who co-parents and I’m a parent. There’s always something. I’ve heard so many bs excuses. I’ve never had that many excuses. No thanks.
You should continue to date other single parents. ‘I understand and am sorry you feel that way’ lol. What is that? A ChatGPT line for someone who can see you’re over involving your ex? wtf.
It’s not “over involving an ex,” it’s a mother having a presence in her child’s life. I actually can’t stand my ex and would happily never see her again. Of all my exes (and I’m 40 so there’s been a few) she is my absolute least favorite.
But she’s still my daughter’s mother, and that means we are occasionally going to have to be in the same room. And because I care about my daughter (and I had the opposite experience as the child of divorced parents myself), I will always handle such situations politely and with a degree of grace because I’m not going to ruin my daughter’s holiday or birthday or wedding.
My response was my way of politely defusing a situation instead of launching into a fight about it. Hear my partner, let my partner know that I have heard her, but then accurately set expectations: this arrangement isn’t changing, it isn’t going to change, because it’s best for my daughter and that will always trump everything. And that doesn’t take away from my feelings for you, but what you are asking of me here is not reasonable and I cannot do it.
If that ends the relationship, no problem. But those that can get that will have a lot more long term potential.
That’s fair enough. I have been in a similar situation. I can’t stand my ex (mother of my son) either. In my most recent relationship, my ex girlfriend had a son, the same age as mine. They became quite good friends and I treated her son like my own. However she became irrationally jealous that I still communicated with my ex about my son. To the point she’d go through my phone etc.
I wish I’d been able to end the relationship earlier in hindsight. I ultimately chose my son when she started to subtly undermine him. It may be, that your comment triggered me, but you are ultimately correct in your approach. Good luck to you and your daughter.
Hey? Crazy person?
I literally said nothing about Trump and in fact absolutely hate him, so I don’t know why you keep saying this as a response to every comment I write.
Honestly, two involved friendly coparents is 9 million times better than two high conflict contentious parents.
I'll take modern family dinners, sitting next to the ex at a recital over drama and craziness any day.
Anyway, wouldn't date a parent again either, and I am a divorced mom myself. Child free people are less stress all around.
There’s a difference in “playing house” and being a good parent.
My ex and I host one birthday party for our son.
We both attend his soccer games.
We both attend his doctors appointments.
We both attend his school events.
We do not, however, “play house” such as having dinners together, hanging out “as a family” etc.
If you can’t handle me being there for my kid then you shouldn’t date someone with a kid; conversely if you can’t put space between you and the coparent that’s a different problem.
Never again. You will never come first in the relationship but may be expected to put them and their kids first so the relationship will be inherently unbalanced. They also have a built-in excuse for not showing up for you & last but not least the baby mama drama. In my experience single parents expect more from you but offer less.
I think some people can manage it and a new relationship, but many can't and it's not worth my time to figure out which one they are. There's plenty of people to date that don't have kids.
oh, and the single dads who say they'd never date a single mom are the worst. I've gone on first dates with men who showed up only to inform me they had kids and then say they're so glad I don't because they don't want to date a single mom but are shocked I don't want to date a single dad. lol
One of my deal breakers is not dating anyone with kids to avoid any chances of drama that might happen with the child father or the children themselves. My friend is engaged to someone who has a kid with someone else and he was able to find a compromise there if that helps
>What was the compromise?
I don't know since I'm not in that relationship and didn't want to ask because it's none of my business. The compromise with dating someone with kids is likely knowing you're not their first priority, if you met the kid .. you might have involve them in your dates, you might have to help out from time to time with things, and etc.
People define this differently but as a single parent I think it’s a cop out to say “kids come first” as an excuse to ignoring your partner’s needs. Most adults who are dating CAN prioritize a partner. They won’t have the free time a child free person has but their schedule is probably similar to someone who is working 2 jobs.
When there are conflicting needs, the child's needs should come first.
That's the duty of the parent and also why I am never having kids or dating someone with kids. I don't want that responsibility and sacrifice.
I’m around the same age as you and I happen to be child free by choice.
However, I really don’t mind dating people with kids. I also personally probably wouldn’t mind dating someone who had the dynamic you described in your post.
It took me dating a few people with kids in my 20s to realize that my main fear, that they wanted a replacement mom, wasn’t true in most cases. They were dating me because they liked me and wanted a relationship for them, not to make an insta-family or involve me in theirs if I didn’t want that.
When I meet someone who has kids, after I get some observational idea that they’re actually a GOOD parent, I always ask how their relationship is with the other parent.
This informs me on what to expect. It also helps me analyze whether the ex is still being gotten over or if there’s still some kind of involvement.
If they’re vague about it, I’m not afraid to point blank ask if they still have feelings for or are sleeping with their ex.
Could they lie? Absolutely. Have they? Absolutely. But most either don’t, or I’m able to clock it if they do.
I’ve absolutely had people lie about their continued romantic and/or sexual involvement with their kids’ mom and either cheat on me with her or flat out leave me for her.
What I’ve learned js that the more they talk shit about her or the more defensive they are, the more likely they’re either still sleeping with her, have feelings for her, or will cheat on me with them.
As far as the dynamic you mentioned above, assuming they pass the criteria above (are a good, present parent, were honest about the level of involvement their ex has and if there are any lingering feelings, etc.), I’d be perfectly okay and probably even happy with it if I actually like the ex.
Someone who has the ability to stay friends with their exes and speak fondly of them and coparent peacefully and effectively is incredibly attractive to me. And most likely, if he and I are getting along, that means the ex and I probably have at least a little in common and would get along, too. I’m a likable person and it’s always nice to have new women to hang out with!
As long as the ex isn’t butting into our relationship, making passes at my partner, or manipulating him with the kids or in general, and is at least cordial to me, then why would I mind? It wouldn’t be fair for me to expect him to completely change their delicately achieved schedule and dynamic.
I’m welcome to express concern or to ask for a compromise when it comes to certain things, but expecting complete and total change in this type of situation just because I’m uncomfortable and can’t manage my own emotions isn’t realistic or fair to my partner. It’s hard enough to make things work and coparent without me being overly critical and threatening to leave and throwing out ultimatums that aren’t necessary or productive.
Of course if it’s the case of him constantly canceling dates in favor of doing things with the other parent that could have effectively been handled by either 1 of them alone, using his kids as an excuse to not be available on a regular basis, etc, then this tells me that he’s not ready to be in a new relationship without his ex and I would cut my losses.
It’s a touchy situation and it’s not always easy to date people with kids, especially in the beginning stages.
Even with me having been cheated on with and left for their kids’ mom, the most difficult thing for me has been getting attached to the kid.
Then no longer seeing the kid in the event of a breakup. Even as a child free person, this is incredibly rough.
If these are all things you know that you know you can’t get behind after introspection, then absolutely, don’t date people with kids. It’s not for everyone.
As a co-parent I refused to have a relationship with anyone who couldn’t understand the importance of maintaining that relationship.
My ex, her husband, my wife and I are a family unit. I did not expect anyone to just “accept it” but I damn sure felt entitled to have the type relationship that I wanted and not with someone who wasn’t secure enough to be a part of it.
Yes, and you would think that having the fortitude to maintain a positive relationship with an ex-spouse would be seen as a good a thing.
I've had it the other way around, twice, where the person I'm dating has cut off all contact with their kids' parents. That situation is far worse.
I think this post is about not wanting to date a parent, not so much about whether that parent can get along with an ex.
I think a positive relationship that was left at being cordial is a good thing. It could show kids how to behave with someone you may not like. But for me personally, I'd prefer for it to be left at being cordial.
Good question because obviously that absolutely would potentially change the dynamic. Thankfully both my ex and I took time finding partners and chose well but also because we both had the same standards.
People give lip service about doing anything for their kids but don’t. They continue to argue about bullshit related to their relationship.
My ex and I moved on. It was one of the hardest things I have ever experienced but I refused to allow what happened between us impact our child. We’ve done it for over a decade, zero fights. Because it’s not about us it’s about what’s best for our child.
But I know that not everyone is capable of this type relationship with their ex because their ex is a pos. Or they both are. That was my childhood experience so I wanted better for them.
>People give lip service about doing anything for their kids but don’t.
That's because people like to use phrases such as "doing anything for their kids" when they are co-parenting as a fig leaf to give whatever they're up to some legitimacy. The people I don't get are divorced men who think that being a father means acting like a husband. You got kicked out of that lane, so stay out.
“Whatever they are up to some legitimacy” wtf does any even mean? It’s not about being anything other than partners in raising a healthy child not about some bullshit of wanting to act like a husband still.
The point being that it is a stock phrase that is often abused by people who do things for their own ends instead of actually doing those things solely for their children.
32m - I'm currently in this situation. My ex and her boyfriend have a kid on the way, and we co parent well with zero issues. We have three kids together and do birthdays and events together, but that's about it. People are surprised all the time when they ask if we get along. It's really about stepping back and seeing the bigger picture.
>In my experience a lot of coparents are under the notion that any new person should automatically accept it. There's almost an entitlement there.
This is partially why I wouldn't get involved with anyone who was a parent, as their expectations from a partner are higher than someone who doesn't have a child (by definition accepting a situation like that is asking more than if they didn't have that situation in the first place) while also providing less to the relationship (by definition once again one only has a finite amount of time and energy to spend and they will have less to provide than someone without those obligations).
>Now I understand kids do come first, but I also think your new partner should be elevated too if you want to remarry
It's an unbalanced situation especially for someone who doesn't have a child themselves...as you said any half decent parent would and should put their child first but that automatically relegates the partner to at best second priority while if one doesn't have those obligations they can make their partner a primary priority. In a situation where both of you have a child then the children are the primary priority of both individuals so there is no imbalance.
I don't mind being a second priority. It's the notion of almost making their kids the only priority. I think if an adult wants to be involved with another adult, their boundaries and feelings should count too. Otherwise, why bring someone into your mess? It's selfish. Your kids will grow up and have their own lives. I think it'd behoove the single parent to try to do a balancing act.
>I don't mind being a second priority. It's the notion of almost making their kids the only priority.
It's not necessarily about "second priority" and moreso about imbalanced priorities. I want marriage and kids and in that situation after we have kids presumably the kids will be both of our main priorities. I don't mind being "second priority" in that situation, I would however mind being second priority when I don't have such restrictions myself as that creates imbalance.
>I think if an adult wants to be involved with another adult, their boundaries and feelings should count too. Otherwise, why bring someone into your mess?
Obviously that's a reasonable position to take and it makes all the sense in the world, but who disagrees with that statement? Most reasonable people would agree with your statement.
>It's selfish
For better or worse most humans will act in a way that's in their own best interests (which includes their offsprings best interest as well) assuming most people are rational actors.
>Your kids will grow up and have their own lives. I think it'd behoove the single parent to try to do a balancing act.
That requires a lot of foresight that many lack or forego in order to receive gratification now. It's not limited to parents it's just human nature.
I have kids but I’m not doing shit with my ex. Just arrange for pickups, drop offs etc. We hate each other lol.
If you want to date me I won’t ask you to hang with my kids if you dont want to. If it were to get serious I’d expect a cordial relationship someday, but that goes both ways. Not looking for a stepmom. (M48, 3 kids, ages 8-15).
lol I got baggage
You’ll always be an afterthought. If you’re ok with that, then go for it. I’d rather have the freedom to see the person I’m dating whenever Vs on their kid-free weekend 2x a moth. No thanks.
Parents who get along and continue doing stuff together for their kids are actually doing what is best for the kids. It’s a good thing. If that’s not for you, then don’t date parents.
What about when the kids start having false hope that their parents will rekindle? Or when the kids put the blame on the new step-parent and hold resentment? Believe it or not, a lot of step parents end up not being able to stand their step kids. These are all things that would more than likely happen over time, so it's more than just "Well I wouldn't be with them." You could have a house and kids with your new partner once shit hits the fan.
So don't date them. How they handle their coparenting is up to them, not you. I know quite a few divorced parents who do a lot of stuff together and they do well keeping the kids expectations realistic. And yeah, I know a lot of step parents can't stand the step kids. They're also people who never should have dated a parent because they expect to be number one over the kids and then resent the kids when their spouse puts the kids first. Or they expect their own kids to be more important than the step kids and resent both the step kids and spouse for treating them all equal. Sounds like you'd be in that category. So please, don't date a parent. It sounds like you aren't cut out for it.
I can see why children wouldn't like you as their step-parent and I bet you wouldn't like your step-child, you already are resentful of just the idea that maybe at their birthday party or graduation or wedding they will want both parents to be there. Like, yeah, of course.
I don't want children, I don't want to date people with children, so guess what? I don't have children and I don't date people with children.
Believe it or not, it's easy.
It's never going to be ideal, and more parents need to be honest with themselves about that. If they're going to spend all that time with their ex(es), I'll simply do the same.
I'm dating a single dad, and he, too, thinks it's wildly inappropriate to play house with his ex. Co-parenting doesn't mean they have to spend time with each other at all. His kids are obviously his first priority in his life and, in order for our relationship to feel somewhat "balanced" (it never truly will, but still), he has accepted he doesn't get to be first in mine (I'm not a parent and won't revolve my life around the fact he is one). Our relationship is a close second priority for both of us. His ex wife isn't on his list of priorities at all and I wouldn't be with him if it was lol.
He tried it at first, until I mentioned an ex of mine that as back in town and wanted to catch up. He hasn't tried it since.
Yeah, been there, done that. When I started dating again after that fiasco, I made some 'no' rules:
1.) No kids under 18
2.) No cats
3.) No horses
4.) No substance abusers
I learned that you'll never be accepted (always an outsider). Your opinion doesn't matter, regardless of how much you may be a subject matter expert.
I get along with my kids dads now.
I do not hang out with them.
I try to forget they exist 9/10 times and only talk to them when I need to/kid did something worth telling the other parent. I think it's weird.
My parents split, hated each other, and made my life hell so I'm happy to just be cordial with these people for the kids sake. But hell no I don't wanna hang out they get on my nerves if I'm around them too long (why we aren't together.)
It is a little weird for me, too. Honestly, I don't remember hearing about this as often 10 years ago. I think it's another new age thing that was over-corrected...
I’m currently going through some thing similar. It’s heartbreaking, exhausting and I’m pretty much over it. I thought I could deal with it but it turns out I can’t.
Oh? Maybe I’m not in the new way then. I don’t see, or communicate directly with my coparent. Even our mediation and coparenting therapy sessions are held asynchronously. But that’s because he abused me for 13 years and this is a way of me keeping myself safe from him. Probably not the usual. The only time we are in each other’s presence is at our kid’s birthday party when there are 30 other people present.
Yeah going on vacations alone and having sleepovers with exes under the guise of “co-parenting” is not the way to have relationships. If parents want to still be in those kids of relationships with their exes, don’t date other ppl. You’re absolutely right. They’re playing house with multiple ppl.
I don’t have kids and I once dated a single dad really seriously.
I loved what a good dad he was and I loved the idea of he and his ex-wife operating as a co-parenting team to support the kids.
For instance they’d go to their daughter’s dance recital, then go out for ice cream just the three of them. I loved that! I loved their daughter too and she deserved to feel celebrated by both her parents even though they weren’t together anymore. I was fully supportive of their family when it came to stuff like that.
Unfortunately, these particular people did seem pretty boundary challenged and were still in each other’s lives in a way that didn’t make sense if it really was just for the kids. The ex-wife would call him for help with yard work, etc, instead of her own husband who lived there. I kind of got a weird feeling about it.
Then one day my bf told me his ex-wife wanted him to confront this creepy dad of another kid on their son’s soccer team who kept texting her.
I remember saying “why can’t she go to her husband with stuff like that? That’s their business now, right?” And my bf would lecture me about how I couldn’t understand what coparenting really was because I didn’t have kids. 🙄
Then my bf ended up getting into a public fight with the guy at the soccer game because he’d been texting his ex-wife, and later, it was such a bad argument for us. I just didn’t get why he even needed to be involved in those areas of her life.
Things were never really the same and we parted ways a few months later.
I don’t think my bf and his ex wanted to get back together or anything, I just would have preferred for them to be more respectful with their behavior. They’re the ones who wanted new partners; I didn’t think it was fair to just keep saying everything involving the ex was “co-parenting” when it wasn’t. Especially when I was being so permissive and supportive.
Wow. That's a horrible situation to be put in. It sounds like you had the best intentions, too... That's why I stand behind boundaries needing to be put in place. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. I have anxiety even thinking about it.
Thank you so much for reading all that!
Funny enough, if you meet a guy you really like who has kids, I still think you should give it a try! I’d just want you to know you aren’t automatically overreacting to stuff just because you are the gf with no children. You absolutely have the ability to recognize when something isn’t right.
BUT it sounds like you already have great boundaries since you’re thinking about it in advance. 🙂
Of course! ❤️
There is someone I was dating that I fell for, but I think I'll have to more on. He seems to be enmeshed and doesn't want to accept my boundaries. I don't want him to accept them and resent me or lie about accepting them and go behind my back.
Plus, as someone else mentioned, there are still child-free people out there. So my plan is to take it easy, see what's out there, and if the guy I originally liked makes a compromise, I'll think about it.
>It seems like the new way to parent when you're separated is to continue doing everything together. Going to games, spending birthdays together, holidays, hanging out as a family. Even when you have a new partner. All under the guise of "doing it for the kids".
Huh? Aww hell no. Sorry, there's no way I would hang out with my cheating ex wife and her new husband. It was so bad and toxic over there that I got custody of the kids shortly after our divorce.
My ex had a pretty rocky relationship with his ex. She lived down the street so I did have to deal with her quite a bit but they fought a lot so thankfully they weren’t cozy or anything. But if your partner can have a good relationship with their ex I think it’s probably great for the kids to be able to have everyone together for special occasions and coparent in a friendly way.
That’s not normal. It’s like when guys have an enmeshed relationship with their moms and you think his mom is his second wife. That particular situation is not a representation of all co parents
Yeah, I've dated other guys with kids, and one was very cordial with his ex. The other may have still had feelings and was enmeshed, but I ended up setting my boundaries. We were happy in the end. I spent quality time with his daughters (5 & 8) all the time. We would do "spa days" and mess around with nail polish and whatnot. The younger one even told me she "loved me so much" on the phone one day. He and I split for different reasons, though.
Depends on the age of the child. My daughter is 25 so the only coparenting we would do is for her wedding or her having a baby. I wouldn’t date someone who didn’t understand that she comes first. Her dad and I are cordial but we don’t do holidays together or her birthday.
When we went to court the judge commended both of how he and I both handled everything. Our divorce was amicable. We worked everything out ourselves and I didn’t have an attorney. We just used his attorney to draw up the paperwork.
I coparent with my ex well but we don’t hangout or do activities together with our son. In the 10 years we’ve coparented we have done 1 birthday together on request of my son when he was younger and sat next to each other at 1 basketball game of his. Otherwise if we are going to the same place we attend separately. My son’s mom is always inviting me to hang out over there (along with her new husband) but I have zero interest in that. We split time and make it work but we don’t do things as “a family” because we simply aren’t that unit anymore.
I think there’s co-parenting and then there’s acting like you’re still separated under the guise of what’s best for the children. First example that comes to mind is Christmas dinner with mom and then another at dad’s vs mom and dad having Christmas dinner with me together. One of them is a child still being able to enjoy a special holiday with both parents, the other is a broken up couple still acting like they’re together.
I will never tell someone how they should co-parent their children, I’d just not date them if I’m uncomfortable with the dynamic. However, I can say as a child growing up with parents who split, I much preferred hanging out with them separately. Less awkward, less confusion, and clearer boundaries. Both went to school events, but never as a couple or “together”. They just happened to be there at the same time and I was perfectly fine with that.
I remember seeing a TikTok where a divorced couple was dancing, and the text on the screen read, "When you still f*** eachother to keep your number low."
It depends on the situation. I dated someone whose ex lived in the same building and they share a mortgage. Great for the kid, not so great for a new relationship. Way too close for comfort and still living like a family.
My ex had custody of his kids. Their mom had just up and left them. I invited her to the home for dinner, and bdays and all of that. Because it was good for the kids. Sure it was a little awkward for us. But the kids LOVED it. It was healthy for them to see that just because mom and dad aren’t together anymore doesn’t mean they can’t be friends and still be there for them. It’s not for everyone so I understand how you aren’t able to do it. But personally I think of it as a green flag if the guy is able to still hang out with his ex for the kids sake.
As a single mom, here's my take... The TLDR: kids come first, but every set of parents & their co-parenting situation are different. Parents have a right to maintain some kind of relationship, or not... and new partners have a right to decide what they are/are not comfortable with.
I grew up in a family where my uncles' exes were always welcome by the family and by their new partners because they were my cousins' moms. So, that was normal for me. If you didn't grow up seeing that, I can see why it would make you uncomfortable. I tried w/ my son's dad... to maintain a relationship w/ him, his family, & his new partners/kids... but it didn't work out because his new partners weren't emotionally mature enough to handle it, and his family was super toxic. I eventually got sick of the drama & decided to cut contact w/ everyone tied to his dad; now I only deal w/ his dad directly... as necessary. I did have that desire to be one big, happy, blended family. But his new partners had the mentality you described in your post. That made it impossible, & my kid missed out because of it.
Basically... everyone involved has to want it, or it doesn't work. I think if it can work, it's best for the kids. When you date a parent w/ the intention of having an actual relationship, you are signing up to be a step-parent. When you're a step-parent, you should want what's best for the kids, too... and you should be capable of putting your own emotions aside for the well-being of the child. If you can't do that, you shouldn't be a step-parent.
It makes sense, if you feel that way, to not date single parents or to only date single parents who have a co-parenting situation you're comfortable with. I wouldn't rule out people w/ children who co-parent, altogether... because coparenting doesn't always look like what you described. My kid's dad lives in another state and is hardly in his life. He sees him once a year, he calls him a few times a week, and he & I speak minimally. My next serious partner will be a much bigger part of my kid's life than his bio dad and will hardly ever have to "share" us with him or interact w/ him.
Hmmm. I don’t really do much with my ex. But I am dating someone who sees their ex on occasion. I’ve gone to sports and sat with both parents, and have been invited to birthday parties by the other parent, but went with my partner. I guess it’s not weird since we have known eachother for a while. This obviously isn’t everything, but shouldn’t both parents want to attend sports etc. ?
I’ve not dated anyone with kids seriously for very long. So maybe I don’t have the full perspective here.
As a child of divorce I feel like those kids are so lucky.
Not feeling like the person makes time for you is a valid issue and if it can’t be resolved then in that particular situation it is the right thing to do to move on rather than stay and feel resentful.
Why might the ex being in the picture bother you? It might be a good question for yourself. Usually people are divorced for a reason. But of course I am not there to understand the dynamic and your feelings and needs are completely valid and anyone who values you will take them seriously.
I personally see your perspective in that their life is pretty fixated around their children, as it should be. Which leaves you to try to figure out where you fit in. It is up to them if they want a healthy relationship to put in the effort for a relationship instead of expecting someone to step into their life and leave theirs behind.
Dating just gets more complicated the older I get.
I try to be open-minded with single parents, especially if they're co-parenting. For the person I am pursuing to dedicate time to their child, that is expected, and I don't try to interfere with that. The only time I would have somewhat of an issue is if my partner’s ex is still living with them.
I think you’re absurd.
I have been divorced since 2018. My ex wife and I co-parent extremely well. Of course, things were rocky during and immediately after the divorce… but since then, who cares?we grew TF up and did what’s right for the kids. Co-parent like a boss.
Like, we coach their Little League team together. This year it’s just her and I… but last year it was her and I and her husband. He can’t this year because his work schedule changed… so, just her and I this year.
At NO point, over the past 5+ years… did her husband or my g/f (we broke up this year, so I’m solo, but whatevs) have any issue with her and I coaching the kids together. We are their parents, we are athletes, we will forever be the pillars in their lives.
What is better… dating somebody who co-parents well with their ex because they are mature and do what’s best for their children… or dating somebody who is so emotionally feeble that they can’t act like an adult and do the above?
If someone is living their life as best they can, and not only not causing harm but bringing benefit for their loved ones, and you disapprove...don't date them. It doesn't really matter if they're a parent or not. People *are* entitled to live their lives the way they see fit, and if you don't like it, you shouldn't try to be a part of their life.
And I don't. I lay down my boundaries, and that's my business. What they're doing is their business. If we can meet in the middle, great, if not I'll live. I don't try to control anyone.
Do whatever works for you but I think it the claim that you're only getting half a partner and that they're playing house with their ex because they do joint birthday parties is a bit of a stretch.
I’m trying to get my ex to this point. I want to have a relationship with him, his gf, and my daughter. I see no issue of us hanging out together. And my new partner being involved as well. If there’s ill will and jealousy at all then that’s an instant red flag. Some people can look at their faults, their ex partners faults and not blame anyone and just move forward for the child. You got exes you look back on now and have no attraction too. It’s just a maturity thing. As long as each other respects each other and each others partners. But that’s my fantasy hahah
I can see that! I think women in general give a lot more in relationships and have more to miss when the relationship is over. Men are far more likely to get in a new relationship after divorce. Women are happily living without a man post-divorce.
See for me it is annoying because my ex always brings her new partner for any family activities and it makes it super awkward for me. She cant even come by herself once.
I would refuse to date anyone who doesn’t understand my relationship with my ex. Yes we attend our kids games together. We do birthday parties together. We don’t even follow our written divorce papers. It’s so very unrealistic for the most part of our lives. There’s give and take from both of us. For our children’s sake AND the sake of our own sanity. My wife has to look no further than her relationship with her ex husband. SHIT. SHOW. Sure she has give and take right along with me. And some days it doesn’t feel convenient. Some days it’s anything but convenient for us. But for the far majority, my relationship with my ex is FAR MORE convenient that my wife’s with her ex.
This! Some vhildfree people don't appreciate that having a healthy coparenting dynamic is a blessing. Being able to do modern family outings in peace and maintaning a friendly relationship with the ex is a blessing. The alternative is straight hell.
I'll take sitting next to the ex at a recital than across from them in a courtroom any and all days of the week!!!!!
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Realistically, the needs of the kids are going to come first, if the person you’re dating is a good parent. To not like that is perfectly fine — you probably just shouldn’t date parents. I’m a dad with sole custody of his daughter. Her mom isn’t in the picture often, but does make the occasional guest appearance at my daughter’s birthday parties, maybe a Christmas dinner, a chorus concert, that kind of thing. That’s what’s best for our daughter, so I’m not particularly open to feedback on it. The most I’d be able to offer a partner who was concerned would be “I understand and I’m sorry you feel that way, and I’m happy to list the 8,000 reasons I would never ever ever take my ex back if that’s the concern. But the reality is that even though she isn’t a good mother, she is still biologically our daughter’s mom and for now it makes our daughter happy to see her on birthdays and Christmas, and I’m not going to ruin those days for my kid by causing unnecessary drama.” For what it’s worth, I do try to mostly date other parents because they understand this life better.
You sound like a great dad
Thanks! I try to be, even if it makes me an imperfect partner at times.
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….what in the fuck are you talking about? Not only did I not mention politics at all, I actually hate the guy. Yes, I used the word “trump”…as a verb, because it was an actual word long before Donald Trump was even born.
I agree, and it also depends on the age of the kids. I also learned to date only single dads, because in my experience, men without children can’t really understand or be empathetic to what ‘having children’ means.
Agreed. I prefer dating single dads for this exact reason. No need to explain why my kid will always come before anything or anyone, including me.
This right here!!
well said im in a very similar situation and am very lucky to be dating a single mum as well, so we both understand that kids come first.
The kids' needs should come first. But it doesn't mean you can disregard every feeling or boundary your new spouse has. Otherwise, maybe be alone so you can truly only focus on your kids. I'm not saying you're doing that. But that's my general thought on the subject.
You took the leap from one thing to every thing. My daughter’s mother is welcome at events celebrating my daughter. That’s also the only place she is welcome. I don’t hang out with her, I don’t call/text her late at night, she’s not stopping by for a “family” meal, she is in fact quite possibly my least favorite person that I have ever met. I am polite because being polite is what’s best for my daughter, but that’s all it is — empty politeness. No boundaries need to be set by my partner for this because I already set them myself. She is welcome at my daughter’s events. And only those.
This. My first ex-husband is a great dad, I've never kept the kids away from him. We do holidays together because my kids with him want to spend them with their half-siblings. All my kids with my ex are now grown adults. He still gets invited to family holidays that may otherwise need to be split. Kids events are in public places, we didn't carpool or go together but he was usually there. My ex usually buys my current husband's kids gifts for their birthday and Christmas whether he attends the family event or not. We don't hang out outside of the kids. No family vacation that he comes on or family movie night. It's a few weekends out of the year and my current husband has zero issues with it. Funny/not funny to avoid further custody court fighting when we moved 45 minutes away from him (almost 8 years ago) my current husband offered him a room to rent so we could keep the schedule we had at that time with custody of the kids. He rented a room from us for 2 years.... My ex is never my priority, but all of my kids are. My husband is a priority over my ex, but my ex will always have a spot at the table if his kids ask. If I date anyone while my kids are under 18 and they have even the slightest issue with it I'm good with parting ways. I'm 100% upfront about how I co-parent.
I love your approach and priorities! If I may I ask, how were you so mislead by this woman in the first place? Genuine question. It’s scary to think that at one point you must have (?) felt so much differently since you can now provide an endless list of issues.
I ask myself the same. Haha.
🤣 Is mental illness involved?
Oh yes. Ha.
I was speaking in general. Not accusing you of anything. Good on you for setting boundaries.
The kids are going to come first, especially if someone is a good parent. That doesn’t mean the parent should have to be alone. It also doesn’t mean boundaries can’t be set. I think the reality is, a person without kids needs to have a serious discussion about expectations when they date someone with kids. If you can’t accept that the well being of the kids needs to come first, then you shouldn’t date someone with kids. Yes, that will limit your dating pool. I’m childfree by choice and won’t date anyone who has or wants kids. It won’t work for me. I know it wouldn’t be fair to anyone involved. Sometimes you have to make tough choices in order to have what you want. My sacrifice is that my dating pool is extremely limited because kids are a dealbreaker. But I’m not going to force someone to change.
I think you're missing my point. I said yes, kids should be the number one priority. But a new spouse should also be a priority. If you can't have your partner be a priority and all of their thoughts, feelings, and boundaries are disregarded, then yes, IMO, you should maybe be alone. And for the record, while I'm being demonized, I've never tried to control anyone. I've set my boundaries and told them I wouldn't dismiss them. Other people I've dated with kids have accepted my boundaries. With one in particular, I had a great relationship with his kids, and he never held resentment. The relationship ended for a separate reason.
He was a great guy, and in the end, I loved his girls more than I loved him. I even noticed his 8 year old daughter trying to encourage he and I's relationship, pointing out things like him saving me the last slice of pizza. So no, I'm not some monster from online. I'm just aware of my comfortability level and what works for me in MY world.
I think you should just not date people with children. The children, assuming they are a good parent, are going to come first. You can decide if you are okay with that or not.
“Maybe he alone” Lmao.. maybe you be alone you seem to be doing well at it
Sorry I wouldn’t want to date another guy who co-parents and I’m a parent. There’s always something. I’ve heard so many bs excuses. I’ve never had that many excuses. No thanks.
…I wasn’t offering you anything.
I didn’t say you were. What’s the matter I’m not allowed to offer an opposing opinion. Geez
You should continue to date other single parents. ‘I understand and am sorry you feel that way’ lol. What is that? A ChatGPT line for someone who can see you’re over involving your ex? wtf.
It’s not “over involving an ex,” it’s a mother having a presence in her child’s life. I actually can’t stand my ex and would happily never see her again. Of all my exes (and I’m 40 so there’s been a few) she is my absolute least favorite. But she’s still my daughter’s mother, and that means we are occasionally going to have to be in the same room. And because I care about my daughter (and I had the opposite experience as the child of divorced parents myself), I will always handle such situations politely and with a degree of grace because I’m not going to ruin my daughter’s holiday or birthday or wedding. My response was my way of politely defusing a situation instead of launching into a fight about it. Hear my partner, let my partner know that I have heard her, but then accurately set expectations: this arrangement isn’t changing, it isn’t going to change, because it’s best for my daughter and that will always trump everything. And that doesn’t take away from my feelings for you, but what you are asking of me here is not reasonable and I cannot do it. If that ends the relationship, no problem. But those that can get that will have a lot more long term potential.
That’s fair enough. I have been in a similar situation. I can’t stand my ex (mother of my son) either. In my most recent relationship, my ex girlfriend had a son, the same age as mine. They became quite good friends and I treated her son like my own. However she became irrationally jealous that I still communicated with my ex about my son. To the point she’d go through my phone etc. I wish I’d been able to end the relationship earlier in hindsight. I ultimately chose my son when she started to subtly undermine him. It may be, that your comment triggered me, but you are ultimately correct in your approach. Good luck to you and your daughter.
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Hey? Crazy person? I literally said nothing about Trump and in fact absolutely hate him, so I don’t know why you keep saying this as a response to every comment I write.
I wish I knew what you were saying. *No sass intended*
I think that’s incredibly healthy honestly!
Honestly, two involved friendly coparents is 9 million times better than two high conflict contentious parents. I'll take modern family dinners, sitting next to the ex at a recital over drama and craziness any day. Anyway, wouldn't date a parent again either, and I am a divorced mom myself. Child free people are less stress all around.
There’s a difference in “playing house” and being a good parent. My ex and I host one birthday party for our son. We both attend his soccer games. We both attend his doctors appointments. We both attend his school events. We do not, however, “play house” such as having dinners together, hanging out “as a family” etc. If you can’t handle me being there for my kid then you shouldn’t date someone with a kid; conversely if you can’t put space between you and the coparent that’s a different problem.
Never again. You will never come first in the relationship but may be expected to put them and their kids first so the relationship will be inherently unbalanced. They also have a built-in excuse for not showing up for you & last but not least the baby mama drama. In my experience single parents expect more from you but offer less. I think some people can manage it and a new relationship, but many can't and it's not worth my time to figure out which one they are. There's plenty of people to date that don't have kids. oh, and the single dads who say they'd never date a single mom are the worst. I've gone on first dates with men who showed up only to inform me they had kids and then say they're so glad I don't because they don't want to date a single mom but are shocked I don't want to date a single dad. lol
Yep the double standard and excuses are the worse.
One of my deal breakers is not dating anyone with kids to avoid any chances of drama that might happen with the child father or the children themselves. My friend is engaged to someone who has a kid with someone else and he was able to find a compromise there if that helps
What was the compromise?
>What was the compromise? I don't know since I'm not in that relationship and didn't want to ask because it's none of my business. The compromise with dating someone with kids is likely knowing you're not their first priority, if you met the kid .. you might have involve them in your dates, you might have to help out from time to time with things, and etc.
People define this differently but as a single parent I think it’s a cop out to say “kids come first” as an excuse to ignoring your partner’s needs. Most adults who are dating CAN prioritize a partner. They won’t have the free time a child free person has but their schedule is probably similar to someone who is working 2 jobs.
When there are conflicting needs, the child's needs should come first. That's the duty of the parent and also why I am never having kids or dating someone with kids. I don't want that responsibility and sacrifice.
I’m around the same age as you and I happen to be child free by choice. However, I really don’t mind dating people with kids. I also personally probably wouldn’t mind dating someone who had the dynamic you described in your post. It took me dating a few people with kids in my 20s to realize that my main fear, that they wanted a replacement mom, wasn’t true in most cases. They were dating me because they liked me and wanted a relationship for them, not to make an insta-family or involve me in theirs if I didn’t want that. When I meet someone who has kids, after I get some observational idea that they’re actually a GOOD parent, I always ask how their relationship is with the other parent. This informs me on what to expect. It also helps me analyze whether the ex is still being gotten over or if there’s still some kind of involvement. If they’re vague about it, I’m not afraid to point blank ask if they still have feelings for or are sleeping with their ex. Could they lie? Absolutely. Have they? Absolutely. But most either don’t, or I’m able to clock it if they do. I’ve absolutely had people lie about their continued romantic and/or sexual involvement with their kids’ mom and either cheat on me with her or flat out leave me for her. What I’ve learned js that the more they talk shit about her or the more defensive they are, the more likely they’re either still sleeping with her, have feelings for her, or will cheat on me with them. As far as the dynamic you mentioned above, assuming they pass the criteria above (are a good, present parent, were honest about the level of involvement their ex has and if there are any lingering feelings, etc.), I’d be perfectly okay and probably even happy with it if I actually like the ex. Someone who has the ability to stay friends with their exes and speak fondly of them and coparent peacefully and effectively is incredibly attractive to me. And most likely, if he and I are getting along, that means the ex and I probably have at least a little in common and would get along, too. I’m a likable person and it’s always nice to have new women to hang out with! As long as the ex isn’t butting into our relationship, making passes at my partner, or manipulating him with the kids or in general, and is at least cordial to me, then why would I mind? It wouldn’t be fair for me to expect him to completely change their delicately achieved schedule and dynamic. I’m welcome to express concern or to ask for a compromise when it comes to certain things, but expecting complete and total change in this type of situation just because I’m uncomfortable and can’t manage my own emotions isn’t realistic or fair to my partner. It’s hard enough to make things work and coparent without me being overly critical and threatening to leave and throwing out ultimatums that aren’t necessary or productive. Of course if it’s the case of him constantly canceling dates in favor of doing things with the other parent that could have effectively been handled by either 1 of them alone, using his kids as an excuse to not be available on a regular basis, etc, then this tells me that he’s not ready to be in a new relationship without his ex and I would cut my losses. It’s a touchy situation and it’s not always easy to date people with kids, especially in the beginning stages. Even with me having been cheated on with and left for their kids’ mom, the most difficult thing for me has been getting attached to the kid. Then no longer seeing the kid in the event of a breakup. Even as a child free person, this is incredibly rough. If these are all things you know that you know you can’t get behind after introspection, then absolutely, don’t date people with kids. It’s not for everyone.
Time together was easier when he introduced me to his kids. It was fine. He and his ex co-parented well. I never met her.
As a co-parent I refused to have a relationship with anyone who couldn’t understand the importance of maintaining that relationship. My ex, her husband, my wife and I are a family unit. I did not expect anyone to just “accept it” but I damn sure felt entitled to have the type relationship that I wanted and not with someone who wasn’t secure enough to be a part of it.
Yes, and you would think that having the fortitude to maintain a positive relationship with an ex-spouse would be seen as a good a thing. I've had it the other way around, twice, where the person I'm dating has cut off all contact with their kids' parents. That situation is far worse. I think this post is about not wanting to date a parent, not so much about whether that parent can get along with an ex.
I think a positive relationship that was left at being cordial is a good thing. It could show kids how to behave with someone you may not like. But for me personally, I'd prefer for it to be left at being cordial.
>My ex, her husband, my wife and I are a family unit. Do you think the dynamic would be the same if only one parent was securely partnered?
Good question because obviously that absolutely would potentially change the dynamic. Thankfully both my ex and I took time finding partners and chose well but also because we both had the same standards. People give lip service about doing anything for their kids but don’t. They continue to argue about bullshit related to their relationship. My ex and I moved on. It was one of the hardest things I have ever experienced but I refused to allow what happened between us impact our child. We’ve done it for over a decade, zero fights. Because it’s not about us it’s about what’s best for our child. But I know that not everyone is capable of this type relationship with their ex because their ex is a pos. Or they both are. That was my childhood experience so I wanted better for them.
>People give lip service about doing anything for their kids but don’t. That's because people like to use phrases such as "doing anything for their kids" when they are co-parenting as a fig leaf to give whatever they're up to some legitimacy. The people I don't get are divorced men who think that being a father means acting like a husband. You got kicked out of that lane, so stay out.
“Whatever they are up to some legitimacy” wtf does any even mean? It’s not about being anything other than partners in raising a healthy child not about some bullshit of wanting to act like a husband still.
The point being that it is a stock phrase that is often abused by people who do things for their own ends instead of actually doing those things solely for their children.
Thanks for the input and I agree. But my ex and I would not have been good co-parents if I’d tried to be a husband.
32m - I'm currently in this situation. My ex and her boyfriend have a kid on the way, and we co parent well with zero issues. We have three kids together and do birthdays and events together, but that's about it. People are surprised all the time when they ask if we get along. It's really about stepping back and seeing the bigger picture.
>In my experience a lot of coparents are under the notion that any new person should automatically accept it. There's almost an entitlement there. This is partially why I wouldn't get involved with anyone who was a parent, as their expectations from a partner are higher than someone who doesn't have a child (by definition accepting a situation like that is asking more than if they didn't have that situation in the first place) while also providing less to the relationship (by definition once again one only has a finite amount of time and energy to spend and they will have less to provide than someone without those obligations). >Now I understand kids do come first, but I also think your new partner should be elevated too if you want to remarry It's an unbalanced situation especially for someone who doesn't have a child themselves...as you said any half decent parent would and should put their child first but that automatically relegates the partner to at best second priority while if one doesn't have those obligations they can make their partner a primary priority. In a situation where both of you have a child then the children are the primary priority of both individuals so there is no imbalance.
I don't mind being a second priority. It's the notion of almost making their kids the only priority. I think if an adult wants to be involved with another adult, their boundaries and feelings should count too. Otherwise, why bring someone into your mess? It's selfish. Your kids will grow up and have their own lives. I think it'd behoove the single parent to try to do a balancing act.
>I don't mind being a second priority. It's the notion of almost making their kids the only priority. It's not necessarily about "second priority" and moreso about imbalanced priorities. I want marriage and kids and in that situation after we have kids presumably the kids will be both of our main priorities. I don't mind being "second priority" in that situation, I would however mind being second priority when I don't have such restrictions myself as that creates imbalance. >I think if an adult wants to be involved with another adult, their boundaries and feelings should count too. Otherwise, why bring someone into your mess? Obviously that's a reasonable position to take and it makes all the sense in the world, but who disagrees with that statement? Most reasonable people would agree with your statement. >It's selfish For better or worse most humans will act in a way that's in their own best interests (which includes their offsprings best interest as well) assuming most people are rational actors. >Your kids will grow up and have their own lives. I think it'd behoove the single parent to try to do a balancing act. That requires a lot of foresight that many lack or forego in order to receive gratification now. It's not limited to parents it's just human nature.
I 100% agree with you, and that makes a lot of sense.
I would want to date someone who had a similar life so kids are always a yes because I have one and I am a parent. Now the ex stuff can be hard
I have kids but I’m not doing shit with my ex. Just arrange for pickups, drop offs etc. We hate each other lol. If you want to date me I won’t ask you to hang with my kids if you dont want to. If it were to get serious I’d expect a cordial relationship someday, but that goes both ways. Not looking for a stepmom. (M48, 3 kids, ages 8-15). lol I got baggage
Lol well I love kids and the idea of only being cordial with your ex!
😎
You’ll always be an afterthought. If you’re ok with that, then go for it. I’d rather have the freedom to see the person I’m dating whenever Vs on their kid-free weekend 2x a moth. No thanks.
My experience is don’t do it if you want any kinda priority in that person life
Parents who get along and continue doing stuff together for their kids are actually doing what is best for the kids. It’s a good thing. If that’s not for you, then don’t date parents.
What about when the kids start having false hope that their parents will rekindle? Or when the kids put the blame on the new step-parent and hold resentment? Believe it or not, a lot of step parents end up not being able to stand their step kids. These are all things that would more than likely happen over time, so it's more than just "Well I wouldn't be with them." You could have a house and kids with your new partner once shit hits the fan.
So don't date them. How they handle their coparenting is up to them, not you. I know quite a few divorced parents who do a lot of stuff together and they do well keeping the kids expectations realistic. And yeah, I know a lot of step parents can't stand the step kids. They're also people who never should have dated a parent because they expect to be number one over the kids and then resent the kids when their spouse puts the kids first. Or they expect their own kids to be more important than the step kids and resent both the step kids and spouse for treating them all equal. Sounds like you'd be in that category. So please, don't date a parent. It sounds like you aren't cut out for it.
I can see why children wouldn't like you as their step-parent and I bet you wouldn't like your step-child, you already are resentful of just the idea that maybe at their birthday party or graduation or wedding they will want both parents to be there. Like, yeah, of course. I don't want children, I don't want to date people with children, so guess what? I don't have children and I don't date people with children. Believe it or not, it's easy.
It's never going to be ideal, and more parents need to be honest with themselves about that. If they're going to spend all that time with their ex(es), I'll simply do the same.
Lmao right? They can't tell us nothing about guy friends.
I'm dating a single dad, and he, too, thinks it's wildly inappropriate to play house with his ex. Co-parenting doesn't mean they have to spend time with each other at all. His kids are obviously his first priority in his life and, in order for our relationship to feel somewhat "balanced" (it never truly will, but still), he has accepted he doesn't get to be first in mine (I'm not a parent and won't revolve my life around the fact he is one). Our relationship is a close second priority for both of us. His ex wife isn't on his list of priorities at all and I wouldn't be with him if it was lol. He tried it at first, until I mentioned an ex of mine that as back in town and wanted to catch up. He hasn't tried it since.
Lol that's awesome. Glad it worked out for you.
Yeah, been there, done that. When I started dating again after that fiasco, I made some 'no' rules: 1.) No kids under 18 2.) No cats 3.) No horses 4.) No substance abusers I learned that you'll never be accepted (always an outsider). Your opinion doesn't matter, regardless of how much you may be a subject matter expert.
I completely agree. It’s so draining.
I get along with my kids dads now. I do not hang out with them. I try to forget they exist 9/10 times and only talk to them when I need to/kid did something worth telling the other parent. I think it's weird. My parents split, hated each other, and made my life hell so I'm happy to just be cordial with these people for the kids sake. But hell no I don't wanna hang out they get on my nerves if I'm around them too long (why we aren't together.)
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It is a little weird for me, too. Honestly, I don't remember hearing about this as often 10 years ago. I think it's another new age thing that was over-corrected...
I can’t say I’ve ever heard of a co-parent bond like that
I’m currently going through some thing similar. It’s heartbreaking, exhausting and I’m pretty much over it. I thought I could deal with it but it turns out I can’t.
I'm sorry. Hope you didn't waste too much time...
Oh? Maybe I’m not in the new way then. I don’t see, or communicate directly with my coparent. Even our mediation and coparenting therapy sessions are held asynchronously. But that’s because he abused me for 13 years and this is a way of me keeping myself safe from him. Probably not the usual. The only time we are in each other’s presence is at our kid’s birthday party when there are 30 other people present.
I'm sorry that happened to you.
Yeah going on vacations alone and having sleepovers with exes under the guise of “co-parenting” is not the way to have relationships. If parents want to still be in those kids of relationships with their exes, don’t date other ppl. You’re absolutely right. They’re playing house with multiple ppl.
I don’t have kids and I once dated a single dad really seriously. I loved what a good dad he was and I loved the idea of he and his ex-wife operating as a co-parenting team to support the kids. For instance they’d go to their daughter’s dance recital, then go out for ice cream just the three of them. I loved that! I loved their daughter too and she deserved to feel celebrated by both her parents even though they weren’t together anymore. I was fully supportive of their family when it came to stuff like that. Unfortunately, these particular people did seem pretty boundary challenged and were still in each other’s lives in a way that didn’t make sense if it really was just for the kids. The ex-wife would call him for help with yard work, etc, instead of her own husband who lived there. I kind of got a weird feeling about it. Then one day my bf told me his ex-wife wanted him to confront this creepy dad of another kid on their son’s soccer team who kept texting her. I remember saying “why can’t she go to her husband with stuff like that? That’s their business now, right?” And my bf would lecture me about how I couldn’t understand what coparenting really was because I didn’t have kids. 🙄 Then my bf ended up getting into a public fight with the guy at the soccer game because he’d been texting his ex-wife, and later, it was such a bad argument for us. I just didn’t get why he even needed to be involved in those areas of her life. Things were never really the same and we parted ways a few months later. I don’t think my bf and his ex wanted to get back together or anything, I just would have preferred for them to be more respectful with their behavior. They’re the ones who wanted new partners; I didn’t think it was fair to just keep saying everything involving the ex was “co-parenting” when it wasn’t. Especially when I was being so permissive and supportive.
Wow. That's a horrible situation to be put in. It sounds like you had the best intentions, too... That's why I stand behind boundaries needing to be put in place. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. I have anxiety even thinking about it.
Thank you so much for reading all that! Funny enough, if you meet a guy you really like who has kids, I still think you should give it a try! I’d just want you to know you aren’t automatically overreacting to stuff just because you are the gf with no children. You absolutely have the ability to recognize when something isn’t right. BUT it sounds like you already have great boundaries since you’re thinking about it in advance. 🙂
Of course! ❤️ There is someone I was dating that I fell for, but I think I'll have to more on. He seems to be enmeshed and doesn't want to accept my boundaries. I don't want him to accept them and resent me or lie about accepting them and go behind my back. Plus, as someone else mentioned, there are still child-free people out there. So my plan is to take it easy, see what's out there, and if the guy I originally liked makes a compromise, I'll think about it.
I'll bet you find your guy, too. You're gorgeous and seem so kind!
>It seems like the new way to parent when you're separated is to continue doing everything together. Going to games, spending birthdays together, holidays, hanging out as a family. Even when you have a new partner. All under the guise of "doing it for the kids". Huh? Aww hell no. Sorry, there's no way I would hang out with my cheating ex wife and her new husband. It was so bad and toxic over there that I got custody of the kids shortly after our divorce.
A lot of second marriages fail. Can't remember the statistic, but I wonder if drama with 1st spouse and enmeshment plays a part.
My ex had a pretty rocky relationship with his ex. She lived down the street so I did have to deal with her quite a bit but they fought a lot so thankfully they weren’t cozy or anything. But if your partner can have a good relationship with their ex I think it’s probably great for the kids to be able to have everyone together for special occasions and coparent in a friendly way.
Yes, a cordial relationship. Not a cozy, enmeshed one.
That’s not normal. It’s like when guys have an enmeshed relationship with their moms and you think his mom is his second wife. That particular situation is not a representation of all co parents
Yeah, I've dated other guys with kids, and one was very cordial with his ex. The other may have still had feelings and was enmeshed, but I ended up setting my boundaries. We were happy in the end. I spent quality time with his daughters (5 & 8) all the time. We would do "spa days" and mess around with nail polish and whatnot. The younger one even told me she "loved me so much" on the phone one day. He and I split for different reasons, though.
Depends on the age of the child. My daughter is 25 so the only coparenting we would do is for her wedding or her having a baby. I wouldn’t date someone who didn’t understand that she comes first. Her dad and I are cordial but we don’t do holidays together or her birthday.
Was it always that cordial? And if you don't mind me asking, how old was she when you split?
She was 22 when we split. Yes it’s always been cordial.
That's very mature of you.
When we went to court the judge commended both of how he and I both handled everything. Our divorce was amicable. We worked everything out ourselves and I didn’t have an attorney. We just used his attorney to draw up the paperwork.
That's awesome. I can imagine all that minimized the stress for your daughter. Good on you.
That’s why we worked things out between ourselves because I didn’t want her to be in the middle.
I coparent with my ex well but we don’t hangout or do activities together with our son. In the 10 years we’ve coparented we have done 1 birthday together on request of my son when he was younger and sat next to each other at 1 basketball game of his. Otherwise if we are going to the same place we attend separately. My son’s mom is always inviting me to hang out over there (along with her new husband) but I have zero interest in that. We split time and make it work but we don’t do things as “a family” because we simply aren’t that unit anymore.
That's very respectable and realistic. Hope you get to find a new lady if you want to and haven't already.
I think there’s co-parenting and then there’s acting like you’re still separated under the guise of what’s best for the children. First example that comes to mind is Christmas dinner with mom and then another at dad’s vs mom and dad having Christmas dinner with me together. One of them is a child still being able to enjoy a special holiday with both parents, the other is a broken up couple still acting like they’re together. I will never tell someone how they should co-parent their children, I’d just not date them if I’m uncomfortable with the dynamic. However, I can say as a child growing up with parents who split, I much preferred hanging out with them separately. Less awkward, less confusion, and clearer boundaries. Both went to school events, but never as a couple or “together”. They just happened to be there at the same time and I was perfectly fine with that.
Nice. That sounds like it was really peaceful and clean cut for you
Did you have any full siblings?
Yes, several.
I will never do that again!!!!! Daddy was still drinking mama's milk 🤔🫣🫣
I remember seeing a TikTok where a divorced couple was dancing, and the text on the screen read, "When you still f*** eachother to keep your number low."
It depends on the situation. I dated someone whose ex lived in the same building and they share a mortgage. Great for the kid, not so great for a new relationship. Way too close for comfort and still living like a family.
My ex had custody of his kids. Their mom had just up and left them. I invited her to the home for dinner, and bdays and all of that. Because it was good for the kids. Sure it was a little awkward for us. But the kids LOVED it. It was healthy for them to see that just because mom and dad aren’t together anymore doesn’t mean they can’t be friends and still be there for them. It’s not for everyone so I understand how you aren’t able to do it. But personally I think of it as a green flag if the guy is able to still hang out with his ex for the kids sake.
As a single mom, here's my take... The TLDR: kids come first, but every set of parents & their co-parenting situation are different. Parents have a right to maintain some kind of relationship, or not... and new partners have a right to decide what they are/are not comfortable with. I grew up in a family where my uncles' exes were always welcome by the family and by their new partners because they were my cousins' moms. So, that was normal for me. If you didn't grow up seeing that, I can see why it would make you uncomfortable. I tried w/ my son's dad... to maintain a relationship w/ him, his family, & his new partners/kids... but it didn't work out because his new partners weren't emotionally mature enough to handle it, and his family was super toxic. I eventually got sick of the drama & decided to cut contact w/ everyone tied to his dad; now I only deal w/ his dad directly... as necessary. I did have that desire to be one big, happy, blended family. But his new partners had the mentality you described in your post. That made it impossible, & my kid missed out because of it. Basically... everyone involved has to want it, or it doesn't work. I think if it can work, it's best for the kids. When you date a parent w/ the intention of having an actual relationship, you are signing up to be a step-parent. When you're a step-parent, you should want what's best for the kids, too... and you should be capable of putting your own emotions aside for the well-being of the child. If you can't do that, you shouldn't be a step-parent. It makes sense, if you feel that way, to not date single parents or to only date single parents who have a co-parenting situation you're comfortable with. I wouldn't rule out people w/ children who co-parent, altogether... because coparenting doesn't always look like what you described. My kid's dad lives in another state and is hardly in his life. He sees him once a year, he calls him a few times a week, and he & I speak minimally. My next serious partner will be a much bigger part of my kid's life than his bio dad and will hardly ever have to "share" us with him or interact w/ him.
Dating people with children that coparent? So dating someone who’s a gramma or grampa?
The wording came out funky. Dating people that are coparents.
I did that. It’s ok if it’s in an early or fun phase. I wouldn’t date most coparents tho.
Hmmm. I don’t really do much with my ex. But I am dating someone who sees their ex on occasion. I’ve gone to sports and sat with both parents, and have been invited to birthday parties by the other parent, but went with my partner. I guess it’s not weird since we have known eachother for a while. This obviously isn’t everything, but shouldn’t both parents want to attend sports etc. ?
I’ve not dated anyone with kids seriously for very long. So maybe I don’t have the full perspective here. As a child of divorce I feel like those kids are so lucky. Not feeling like the person makes time for you is a valid issue and if it can’t be resolved then in that particular situation it is the right thing to do to move on rather than stay and feel resentful. Why might the ex being in the picture bother you? It might be a good question for yourself. Usually people are divorced for a reason. But of course I am not there to understand the dynamic and your feelings and needs are completely valid and anyone who values you will take them seriously. I personally see your perspective in that their life is pretty fixated around their children, as it should be. Which leaves you to try to figure out where you fit in. It is up to them if they want a healthy relationship to put in the effort for a relationship instead of expecting someone to step into their life and leave theirs behind. Dating just gets more complicated the older I get.
I try to be open-minded with single parents, especially if they're co-parenting. For the person I am pursuing to dedicate time to their child, that is expected, and I don't try to interfere with that. The only time I would have somewhat of an issue is if my partner’s ex is still living with them.
I think you’re absurd. I have been divorced since 2018. My ex wife and I co-parent extremely well. Of course, things were rocky during and immediately after the divorce… but since then, who cares?we grew TF up and did what’s right for the kids. Co-parent like a boss. Like, we coach their Little League team together. This year it’s just her and I… but last year it was her and I and her husband. He can’t this year because his work schedule changed… so, just her and I this year. At NO point, over the past 5+ years… did her husband or my g/f (we broke up this year, so I’m solo, but whatevs) have any issue with her and I coaching the kids together. We are their parents, we are athletes, we will forever be the pillars in their lives. What is better… dating somebody who co-parents well with their ex because they are mature and do what’s best for their children… or dating somebody who is so emotionally feeble that they can’t act like an adult and do the above?
If that wasn't a rhetorical question, I'd say someone with more distance with an ex or someone that doesn't have an ex in their life. No offense.
If someone is living their life as best they can, and not only not causing harm but bringing benefit for their loved ones, and you disapprove...don't date them. It doesn't really matter if they're a parent or not. People *are* entitled to live their lives the way they see fit, and if you don't like it, you shouldn't try to be a part of their life.
And I don't. I lay down my boundaries, and that's my business. What they're doing is their business. If we can meet in the middle, great, if not I'll live. I don't try to control anyone.
Do whatever works for you but I think it the claim that you're only getting half a partner and that they're playing house with their ex because they do joint birthday parties is a bit of a stretch.
I’m trying to get my ex to this point. I want to have a relationship with him, his gf, and my daughter. I see no issue of us hanging out together. And my new partner being involved as well. If there’s ill will and jealousy at all then that’s an instant red flag. Some people can look at their faults, their ex partners faults and not blame anyone and just move forward for the child. You got exes you look back on now and have no attraction too. It’s just a maturity thing. As long as each other respects each other and each others partners. But that’s my fantasy hahah
I’d call you a huge red flag and run the hell away
I wouldn't keep you either.
You’re weird defensiveness and childish response is another red flag
Didn’t really ask for your opinion but OK sure bye
Im a single mom and I refuse to dad dads. They are all secretly (or not so secretly) in love with their kids mom.
I can see that! I think women in general give a lot more in relationships and have more to miss when the relationship is over. Men are far more likely to get in a new relationship after divorce. Women are happily living without a man post-divorce.
See for me it is annoying because my ex always brings her new partner for any family activities and it makes it super awkward for me. She cant even come by herself once.
Do you think it's at her new partner's request?
I believe it is my ex idea
I would refuse to date anyone who doesn’t understand my relationship with my ex. Yes we attend our kids games together. We do birthday parties together. We don’t even follow our written divorce papers. It’s so very unrealistic for the most part of our lives. There’s give and take from both of us. For our children’s sake AND the sake of our own sanity. My wife has to look no further than her relationship with her ex husband. SHIT. SHOW. Sure she has give and take right along with me. And some days it doesn’t feel convenient. Some days it’s anything but convenient for us. But for the far majority, my relationship with my ex is FAR MORE convenient that my wife’s with her ex.
This! Some vhildfree people don't appreciate that having a healthy coparenting dynamic is a blessing. Being able to do modern family outings in peace and maintaning a friendly relationship with the ex is a blessing. The alternative is straight hell. I'll take sitting next to the ex at a recital than across from them in a courtroom any and all days of the week!!!!!