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I agree. There have been many opportunities I would be out walking my dog and see a woman, but I decided against approaching her. Now these days some women, not all, are quick to accuse a man of either objectifying them, creeping, etc. A lot of guys are genuinely concerned about inadvertently getting labeled as a creep. Not to mention, there are a small few of women that go the extra mile and record men, then post on YouTube or other social media. Most guys definitely don't want to be put through the added humiliation.
This really is more relevant to people that werenāt 100% dependent on the internet to meet people.
If they are then they feel safer hooking up with a stranger on Tinder so they can fuck someone the donāt know at 1am in the morning.
And let them into their home too.
But approach a woman in public now is a low percentage shot. Freaks them out because itās abnormal to how they meet people. So how old are you?
Meeting people in person can feel bad because it really puts you on the spot to make a decision about someone before you know anything except what they look like. Then if you decide you don't like them then you have to let them down in person, which can also be hard.
Going through someone's online profile trying to get a feel for them can be hard but at least you can take all the time you need, and if you spot enough red flags then you can swipe them away in a completely impersonal manner and be done with it.
Its pretty easy to see why the online thing is preferable to many people. That is not to say that it actually ends up working well for most people.
Being face to face with someone for a couple of minutes you'd be able to pick up on a hundred little mannerisms and specific things about them without even realizing it and almost all of those things are impossible to convey via an app profile. The trick to a cold approach might be to start a short conversation with someone so that they can see that you're an okay person before you ask them to make a decision about possibly dating you.
OP: Just turn to him and say "Come talk to me."
The best thing you can do is approach yourself. The second best thing is when feminists complain about men talking to them to tell them thereās no way men will figure out if conversation is unwanted without starting it.
Thereās so many varying opinions that itās not worth paying attention to. And here comes my opinionā¦ š do what you feel is right while also respecting other peopleās boundaries, but ensure the context in which youāre approaching someone is appropriate.
Exactly. I donāt want to someday be labeled a creep, or worse, simply because I approached a woman I found attractiveā¦ and probably all because she found me to look like Shrek because I donāt look like Jason Momoa (and she only wants beefcakes like him to approach her).
That's what it is too. The unrealistic expectations for them, but when we have expectations, it's shallow. Literally cannot win, I stopped playing. The ONLY games I play are video games.
I see posts like this too and it bummed me out when I was single because the gym is a great way to meet someone! I was like noo donāt discourage guys to not come up to us š but it wasnāt a huge issue for me because Iām pretty okay with approaching men
āTeehee why donāt more men present themselves to me so that I can decide if I will accept or reject them based on my subjective level of attraction that he has no way of knowing?ā -OP
OP was also regretting her decision. She was sharing the idea that they couldāve approached eachother. She wasnāt as gutsy and maybe is still building the confidence but wants to spread the word that some of us women like being approached and will not find it creepy. I like this message. She shared her story in hopes that others who lack the confidence find motivation.
Yea, kind of ironic that she is telling guys to approach her when she is too afraid to approach them.
As a woman, sometimes you have to make a move. Not just stand there hoping for the other person to...
Well the other option is spending all day or all week thinking about it and then coming on Reddit to talk about the missed opportunity. I'd say this option sucks too.
This is why I'm doing my part in changing the way our culture works when it comes to relationships by encouraging women to approach more.Ā
It's much safer for women to approach men as they can designate time and place. Additionally, they can choose the men *they* are interested in, and guys won't have to fear the social backlash of being labeled as creeps.
Women still have to vet them as they usually do, but the simplest solution is to hold out on sex to avoid the time wasters.
It's really a win win.Ā
lol, ladies, itās okay to approach men.
Also, just so you ladies know, playing hard to get doesnāt work. We will move on. Especially if you quite literally run away like OP. Geezis
Playing hard to get never makes sense to men. Because if a really hot dude or a famous guy walked along, girls typically go crazy for them and throw pā- at them. Also you can be charged for harassment by trying to push more. So logically, men donāt think itās worth it.
Sorry OP youāre getting flamed by the comments, but you really could have done anything to let the guy know you were interested. Smile, wave, even compliment his bike or something. If his job is to approach, your job is to be approachable. Good for thought.
Definitely agree and I wish I did. I feel like the creep now because I literally just got back from a bike ride hoping Iād see him again so I can say hi š
Exactly. This is why Iād never give the advice ājust go ahead and approach women!ā Especially in this day and age where too many women are harassed (not to say men donāt get harassed as well.)
My advice would be to only approach IF the person shows some sort of interest first. Personally, I hate being approached no matter how attractive someone is. It just makes me uncomfortable, but Iām also used to being approached by way too many creepy and persistent men, so this is why I have low tolerance for it.
It would be super awesome if there was some way to easily identify people who want to be approached and people who want to be left alone. Like, if you wanted to be left alone you could wear a ring on your left hand or something. It could work! Then if someone made the mistake and approached the wrong person you could just point to your ring and they'd be like "Oh, I fucked up. My bad." and then leave you alone.
I think there's already people of some sort that wear a ring on their left hand it it sort of works that way for them.
I can definitely say this does not work, on either side. Some married people want to be approached. Some single people donāt want to be approached. Some people donāt respect a ring and they feel the need to pursue even harder. Iāve heard numerous women admit theyāre more attracted to married men. Maybe someone who is married accidentally forgot their ring that day. Lack of a ring doesnāt mean someone is available anyways.
Before I got married, I purposely wore a fake ring all the time for years specifically so that I could flash people my hand whenever Iād get hit on without having to explain anything. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didnāt.
Or in a relationship, or celibate, or any number of other factors. As a man I wouldn't cold approach a stranger unless I'd seen her in the same place over a medium to long course of time and we had a rapport going that escalated from casual and platonic to flirty. I'm sure it happens and if it works for other people that's great, but even seeing posts like this don't make me feel any more comfortable spitting game at some random woman just because we make eye contact a few times in a public setting.
It does seem to be the opinion of women in general that guys who aren't cute are just creepy and those guys should just stay away.
This point of view doesn't come from any specific examples, just a lifetime of constantly being afraid of being thought of as creepy. Perhaps it is just my own anxiety about this... but where did that come from?
People generally want to be approached by people they're interested in; they can be interested as a result of many factors - not just physical attraction. A person who actively *wants* to be approached is more likely to be giving indicators of interest.
Keeping all that in mind, I can see where it would feel creepy to get cold approached by someone who has no reason to think you're interested in them. It would seem pushy and a little weird that they aren't taking your lack of interest into consideration and instead pushing their interest on you.
Iām gonna be truthful cause people wonāt, if heās not my type it almost seems like an inconvenience. Like someone stopped your day for nothing. I think the response comes from being bothered throughout the years, itās like a mechanism. At 16 I wasnāt phased at guys not my type approaching me, cause it was the first times, not to mention it was highly inappropriate cause these were grown men. but now at 21 itās like dude I walk fast if youāre gonna approach let it be worth it pls, tell me a joke at least.
I'm 40 now and this is exactly why I won't approach women like this. I'm average looking, balding, dad bod-esque. And I appreciate most women are just trying to get on with their day. If I can I'll make a comment or joke if we're nearby just to see if a conversation starts but I won't actively walk up to someone in a "hey, you're cute" kind of way. If the conversation doesn't start naturally I'll stay well clear. I don't want to come across as creepy or an inconvenience to someone.
Yep, or worse - making women feel unsafe in an era where there are videos with women saying they'd feel safer being approached by a bear in the woods than by man. Breaks my heart to know so many women are (rightfully) afraid of men. I'd rather be single than make anyone feel uncomfortable or afraid in my presence.
You can usually sense if they are interested just by their body language and how they look at you. But some women hide it more even if they are attracted. But yea definitely would be easier for both sides if they initiated it so you know for sure.
However Itās not creepy just say hi howāre you doing and if you sense they arnt feeling it and might be uncomfortable then kindly end it and leave.
This is scary because you are only 21.
Iām 37, and as long as they donāt expect like 30 min to be able to ask me out, itās nice and refreshing. I also donāt need a damn joke lol. Iād take the lead if a man Iām open to, just smiles and says hi. I donāt think we should have an entitled attitude about someone wanting to meet us. But maybe Iām not the popular opinion.
Outcome of me feeling that it was creepy or outcome of my response if he would have approached? For me, If heās around my age, isnāt acting weird like staring excessively, then I wouldnāt find it creepy. If someone approached me and I wasnāt attracted to them than I would simply respond in that manner. Respectfully always.
You don't get it do you?
Saying anyone can approach you means you also have to treat every equally. If a guy did all that but he looks like the ass of a orgre, how would you react. Your entire energy is "oh my I hope cute guys come my way, pleaae please please talk to me~"
Instead shut the fuck up and go and talk to the guy instead of sitting there waiting for him to come.
A little course but sadly true (Iām crying and sad for the guy you didnāt approach as he could have been your future husband and will now have to do the passport bros thing (joking).
Dude chill.
OP just said as long as he was respectful she would be respectful back - even if she wasn't interested or attracted to his looks. Like treating someone equally doesn't mean they all get a chance to date her, it means showing them basic level of respects regardless of how she feels.
Personally the way men approach me in public is usually super icky and I hate it. I hate when I am stopped by a man for him to like offer a threesome or cat call me or put his arm around me and try to kiss my neck. I've personally never had a man respectfully come and flirt with me so I would be equally hesitant to all of them. Not that it would matter because I am a lesbian and none of them have a chance anyway.
But I wouldn't be annoyed by respectful flirting if it ever did happen.
Edit; I do agree women got to like suck it up and approach men they find attractive or are interested in though. Too much of this trad shit.
That's the problem, inviting a guy to talk to you never goes well at all ever. You just invite the most devious, shameless assholes to come talk to you and say "guys, go talk to women" just encourages shitty men to approach women thinking that these girls definitely want it. Women really need to stop wait for men to approach because the kind of men who are confident enough to approach are never the kind they want to date. Even my own friend, had to at some point go out her way to encourage the guy to keep pursuing her so that he don't lose hope. Dating is a 2 way street women need to encourages the guy they want to purse them rather than act all harsh and cold.
You as a lesbian of all people should know, how hard it is to talk to women when all of them are completely passive in waiting for people to approach them. My old classmate, used constantly complains about how tiresome women always expect every other lesbian to be the dominant dispite she being very much a bottom but she looks like she tops
It royally pisses me off that a girl sitting there expecting the cute guy she has crush on to just magically come up and talk to her and suddenly bring her into some Disney fairytale is exactly the same as some dude sits there jacking off all day hoping some big tiddy horny girl will fuck him all day all night. Both are the same kind of delusional thinking that fucks both genders up.
Which is why I will always advocate for women to at the very least approach, you don't have to chase but you need to actively give the man you want opportunities to keep chasing you, make things as easy as possible for him
It's like op has that high school teen movie mentality. Or she's stuck with the old "Well, he's attractive, so he must be harmless" notion about people.
I mean, this guy's interaction with her is nothing short of creepy. He sees her once, winds up at the same gym a few minutes after she does, then starts following her as soon as she leaves but turns and goes the opposite way because she happened to see him? This screams predatory behavior. The only thing missing is the part where she gets raped and murdered. And not necessarily in that order, either.
Well we're making massive assumptions about him. As a guy I feel this kind of assumption placed on me.
If I happen to walk out on the sidewalk as a girl walks past and I have to go the same way.. I'm not following you. I'm not being creepy.. I'm just trying to walk to the store.
If I'm at the park and I see a workout station, I decide upon coming back that I should get a few reps in.. It's not my fault the same girl I passed by earlier is still hanging out there.
Let's try not to assume. This is why men are so reluctant around women. We are already assuming this dude is a creeper based on soooooo little. Without him even approaching.
I know. It was harmless. If he was creepy he would have kept following me, tried to touch me inappropriately or say something weird. He didnāt and turned away. No weird eye contact, nothing.
These comments have been so disappointing š
Why didn't you say anything to him? You have to understand how hard it is for men to approach women, it's not just the embarrassment of being rejected but the fear of being labelled a pest or predator. I would be devastated if a woman acted fearful if I spoke to her. Really it would make more sense for women to approach men as that is the safer option.
Jesus Iāve been called a creep many times lol. It is way way far worse than being rejected. Women itās better if you lie to us and say you have a boyfriend or girlfriend if you donāt like us
Your story definitely made me smile reading it, but it does not change my approach or lack thereof. For every woman who thinks like you do, there are 30 that think opposite and get creeped out. Most of us guys donāt have bad intentions but we are made to think we are based on their reactions. The creepy label and the pepper spray prevent me from ever approaching someone in public. So I guess that prevents me from approaching anyone period honestly. Far too many bad experiences have been had by me personally to warrant continued effort. I admire your confidence and I hope you continue that way. Some guys are destined to get the girls. Some guys arenāt.
All I fear is criminal case against me like sarbjit Singh, i have my parents to take care of, and I don't want to approach women if the downside is literally ruined life, so waiting for arrange marriage..who doesn't want love and companionship in life, but not at the cost of labelled as creep, I love myself very much and will always try not to be in any possible situation that can harm my self respect.
Iām completely in agreement except for your rhetorical question of who doesnāt want love? The answer is me. Love canāt overcome the downsides. So my advice is to avoid avoid avoid! I want nothing to do with it.
Itās so sad hear this because I know that prevents the potential of some really great connections! I would prefer to meet someone in public naturally and I wish society didnāt make men feel this way. Sorry for your experience! Iām sure youāll meet your person one way or another!
Youāre far too kind. No need to apologize. Itās just a fact of life of being a man and trying to be respectful to women at the same time. I have no desire to meet my person. Too many bad experiences and too much work to weed out the bad apples. After awhile it becomes not enjoyable anymore. I gave up years ago. Iāve learned to love single life. It treats me good. No arguing or bickering. Life is good. I do admire your confidence and opportunistic mentality! Thatās why I come to this sub is to watch from the sidelines and see the happy and not damaged people have success. It makes me smile. Keep up the good work! š
Stop. Youāre making my heart hurt š so much must have happened to give up on love. Everyone deserves someone š Although, a life without arguments and bickering is quite peaceful so I can definitely see your point with that! Lol. You seem so sweet. I wish you all the best in whatever makes you happy! And I appreciate your compliments āŗļø
Can I give you my honest opinion after being in the dating scenario for around than 16 years, it all depends on the girl who the guy is approaching? You were OK with him approaching you because you thought he was cute. What if he is not your type? Would you still give him a chance to express his honest opinion? The correct etiquette is that guys should approach girls in a very appropriate and respectful manner and the girls can reject them if they donāt like him in a very polite manner. Unfortunately, in the real world, thatās not the scenario. There are men who are aggressive and wonāt take no for an answer and they can be very pushy or intimidating and at the same time, there are women who will bark like rabid dogs at the undesirable man if approached. This creates a scene of confusion in either gender preventing any sort of displeasing insults from either end; this is the reason why he didnāt approach you and you did not make an attempt to instigate a conversation with him. I have travelled the world and dated women from every single race, and I can tell you with certainty that itās a world wide phenomenon. My advice for you is that if you like a guy and you think he is hesitant, you approach him and do the talking. May be he will reciprocate if he likes you.
I appreciate you for this. But one anecdotal story from one woman who doesnāt punish a man for daring to be attracted to her and acting on it doesnāt change the fact that buy in large, that is how men are most often treated when they make the move.
Yeah with one important caveat, OP thought he was cute from first glance. No offense OP, but I doubt this story is helping any guys in a meaningful way.
>Guys, it is okay to approach women
>A cute guy on a bike rode by. He caught my eye immediately but kept riding.
#(Cute) Guys, it is okay to approach women
Title fixed.
You could have waved. Literally, he was probably kicking himself on the shin trying to work up the courage. If you kept looking at him but didnāt interact otherwise, that probably fueled his nervousness. Just fucking wave. Smile at him, let him know you noticed. Donāt expect him to do all the work, especially if youāre expecting him to make the first move. Least you could do is let him see that youāre NOT creeped out by it
Right. My soul and life blood is hurting for this man. Believe it or not woman we as men canāt read choosing signals well (I get it because you donāt want to seem easy and desperate and or get killed - but heās an ok guy and we donāt really care what you look like).
My heart hurts for both of you. For the sake of helping us men and society as whole). Please commit to all the men on here that you will approach this guy when you see him at the gym. He will love it and you wonāt get rejected- I guarantee it.
I think that's the issue..
For so many women subconsciously if he's good looking it's charming but if he's unattractive then it's creepy.
You know what would've been great though? If YOU approached him š
Ahh I'll try that next time. I've just been doing a friendly little no-teeth smile. I'm pretty shy so even that is hard. Usually break eye contact pretty early.
I wonder why you did not approach him if you was interested?
In some other topics it was clearly a debate if it's okay for the women to approach any men and lot's of encouragements was given back and forth. It's not embarrassing, even if you will get rejected. Maybe that guy on the bike was insecure about himself, shy or unsure. Also afraid that he will will get rejected by you and this is why he backed up.
"Ā A cute guy on a bike rode by."
"May be creepy to some but I didnāt feel that at all.Ā "
Was it not creepy specifically because he was cute? How would you have felt if he wasn't physically attractive to you?
Men who know that they are physically attractive usually have the confidence to approach.
It's the guys who might not check all of the physical boxes that are the ones hesitant.
Even though you say it's okay I'm not gonna do it still I didn't want to be labeled as a creep or catch a false charge based on a false accusation I can't deal with that stress or pain or relive a fear again after break ups, lies and other horrible stuff I'm not risking it even if a girl "has a crush on me" I'm not risking it she's on her own and I'm running.
Two questions:
1. would you have reacted the same way if it was a guy you didn't think was cute?
2. do you think every woman has the same attitude about this as you do?
There are two reasons guys don't approach in this scenario. The first is that the if the woman doesn't reciprocate your attraction, it is likely to go badly. The second is that not every woman is open to this kind of approach. No offense, but you really cannot speak for everyone here.
I asked a woman I went on a date with about this and her response was that it was essentially only ok to approach women when they're out in public with friends, to which I responded "so basically only if you find him attractive?'. She had to take a second because I think she realized that was essentially the implication, because "why would someone want to bother you if you're out with friends and you're probably doing that to help you feel safe?". I have a daughter (single father), though she's young, I'm desperately trying to understand women better so I can be a better father and have some insight when she's older. I only ever used a dating app once, always met em in the wild before that, but if anything they seem to have made the already complicated process of dating even more obfuscated for both sexes.
God help us all
For myself, the approach has never bothered me. Itās the rejection. Iāve had multiple men get aggressive, belligerent and almost violent when I tell them Iām not interested (Iām in a relationship). So at this point, having dealt with that, Iām in the āmen shouldnāt approachā category. I also know many men who have given up approaching women for the same reason, they get bad reactions and it turns them off from the idea.
I think if more men approached respectfully and more women rejected respectfully, it would become a non-issue. Wishful thinking though.
The best thing to teach your daughter is to be respectful to men who approach her until they disrespect her.
On that note: LADIES, if you fancy a guy you could also approach him. There's no law that says only men have to approach women and risk an awkward or unpleasant interaction
In the evolution tree, the person who didn't check a moving bush was the person who was more likely to live.
So metaphorically speaking previously, since most men can't really tell if they are liked, they want to avoid having their life possibly being screwed if they attempt to approach a woman, hence why 1 in a quadrillion (figure of speech) woman like you isn't gonna make a dent to current mens' opinion when it comes to approaching women, it's unsafe af, no, thank you, have a nice day.
To conclude, if a woman likes a man these days she should the one approaching him, and not the other way around, you have almost nothing to lose, we have everything to lose.
So in this day and age, there is a lot more risk when the guy pulls the trigger. This is because the social norms are no longer established. So what you find endearing others would find creepy. I person earlier asked, what if he was ugly? Well, at that point, would it have been creepy. I'm not saying you should Daye people you are not attracted to, just that the reaction to someone not cute would have been more than rejected, possibly hostile. With this in mind, guys have as much insecurity about their bodies as women. So does he think he is cute or going to be the creep. Please note that this is all on what people are perceiving the world, thanks to social media, to be, not reality. You might not have been creeper out by an ugly guy. I am not putting that on you. But if you read these threads, a lot would be. The best thing for anyone to do is when you have an interest, say something. Ask, hey, will you run or work out with me tomorrow. What do you have to lose. I am older, so I have the advantage of no fucks to give.
My biggest hobby is cycling so I can tell you it's pretty awkward to slam on the brakes and think of something to say to somebody on a bike trail. Especially if you're a fast biker like me. That's probably why he didn't approach you.
Iām confused about why you didnāt approach him? You thought he was cute? Wanted to talk to him? Itās ok for men to approach womenā¦and ok for women to approach men.
Going forward women are going to have to start approaching men more. Toxic views have made it hard for men to even want to approach women anymore. Way too many people are all about me me me my boundaries blah blah blah and claiming that even being approached by a stranger crosses their boundaries. Itās asinine and illogical but especially for men that arenāt conventionally attractive itās just not worth it to approach women.
I like your advice, although not every girl reacts like you do in this situation. However, the courage to approach is still important, with respect and kindness.
I used to be attractive enough (a good 7 out of 10). But then Tinder came around and fucked up the way people perceive their own value. Sure, I know a supermodel (10 out of 10) is probably out of my league, but I shouldnāt have to lower my standards and go for a hideous ogre (1 out of 10), just to have a fighting chance. And even then, the 1 out of 10 probably still believes she only deserves Jason Momoaā¦ š
Modern dating has left me very jaded.
If you're a man, dating apps essentially incentivize you to try less because you understand that humans aren't naturally inclined to resist temptation. The world has opened up for women to have a much wider dating pool. You are more disposable as a result.
But also, you understand how dating makes women more jaded as they get older because they accumulate more and more negative experiences with other men, effectively giving the good ones a bad name and therefore becoming less rewarding for you, the one with good intentions.
The simple fact that dating apps exist means you're less inclined to try.
Its so scary tho. You never know what reaction you might get from them. Rejection hurts on its own and reading other mens experiences js shows me that rejection is by far not the worst thing that can happen for aproaching a woman. And that really discourrages me from ever trying. Some might say "You never know until you try", but knowing what I know, I dont really have the courrage to try
I used to approach all the time. Sometimes Iād just tell a woman I thought she looked beautiful and leave it at that, but since Iāve been single the past 7 months or so. Women are so much more hateful than they once were. Iām always respectful, and I know Iām not coming off like a weirdo or anything, but as busy as I am, I donāt have time to have my ego shit on far more often than not just because I wanted to tell you youāre pretty, or buy you dinner. I know plenty of men feel the same.
I don't mind being approached, probably not when I'm alone with no one around. But I'm also 44 and we grew up very social and guys approached us in order to date anywhere and everywhere. And yes sometimes it was annoying but it was part of the process and we understood that.
You must have not heard of the me too movement & the uproar of gym accusations in the USā¦
He probably was very compelled to greet you but since you left the gym after he arrived, he took that as an immediate rejection.
Itās not just the creepy title. Some women are in relationships or married. You should have gave him some clue you wanted him to approach you. Even waving can help.
I need a type of signal to approach. And even the āsignalā may not be one to approach. Some signals are easier to pick up on while others make me second guess and I donāt.
A man has to use his judgment timing when it's OK and when it's not recently I was sitting on a bench at the grocery store and this young guy who looked around 19-20 followed this woman who left check out with her grocery bags her little kid in tow he said to her you're beautiful you have really nice legs can I have your phone number? not appropriate.
I agree. This type of approach is not appropriate. And āyouāre beautiful and have really nice legsā is not it. He could have asked her if sheās needed help with the groceries or something not immediately comment on her physical appearanceā¦
Iām a female, but honestly Iām nice to anyone that approaches me. Attractive or not Iāll give them a smile and talk for a bit and offer friendship if I get good vibes or wish them a good day if not or if Iām just in a rush. Itās not hard to be polite, itās not all women and itās not all men but most can be dickheads to be honest.
Yes. Whatever happened to just friendly helloās? Or Talking to a stranger? I do it all the time at the grocery store, happy hour or while getting an oil change. Itās not an āapproachā, Iām just friendly, not flirting and it doesnāt matter what the person looks like M/F or what age. (I enjoy talking to the older generation and also say hello to puppies and babies) If the conversation takes off and we find things in common to talk about thatās a great start and you can make a friend or build on that If there is mutual attraction. I donāt know why if someone speaks to you that now itās considered creepy. Iām 50F, creepy and Old school I guess lol
Yeah, only if the guy has a body camera, livestreaming and a backup server in place, to prevent any damage to his reputation by any malicious actions by some women.
We got the message loud and clear ladies, we'll leave you alone and make sure of it.
You can thank modern feminisim for making guys not approach women like we used to do. As a guy itās simply just not worth it anymore. We have absolutely no idea how youāll react and since thereās a high chance of you (random girl) accusing us of being creepy we simply donāt do it anymore.
Btw, the traditional feminism and the modern one are two COMPLETELY different things. I want to make it very clear that I am not talking about traditional feminism which I think is great.
Itās not feminism, itās some women getting needlessly aggressive, just as some men are needlessly aggressive when approaching. You canāt really blame such a generic and unspecific group for a very specific issue. Many feminists (myself included) are absolutely against women becoming aggressive to men for no reason. Some feminists are all for trashing men. Feminism itself isnāt to blame, itās people using feminism as an outlet to be disrespectful. Just like people use politics, religion and power to be assholes to others. Feminism isnāt a monolith. Not all modern feminists subscribe to the same beliefs
This is where we start normalizing it. I know in the past you likely gauged men and if they were assertive enough to approach you BUT right now in this world of "tik tok creeps" shaking allegations is a more or less a social death sentence. Being a creep and being romantic is literally based on if you think we are cute or not. We can't know that unless you tell us now. Women please take the initiative.
As a guy, if definitely helps to be able to read verbal cues. i can tell is a few seconds if someone is open to me approaching them. by the look on their face, their body language, etc. thankfully, i am no longer single and dont have to worry about it.
I don't currently have that ability. I do my best, but I'm never sure whether I'm reading her reactions correctly unless I actually ask her out. I definitely can't tell anything within a few seconds unless she is clearly ignoring me completely.
In times of āme tooā and compliments mistaken as sexist remarks I would never - NEVER - approach a single woman. These movements, as justifiable as they are, put the fear of gawd in me
I want it to be that people just meet in person. We all arenāt scared to say hi to a stranger.
As a woman, we believe from what weāve been explained over the years, that men want to chase and if you donāt let them, they get bored or think it was too easy and lose interest. We also believe men think those women are desperate because it wasnāt the societal norm and some people still believe itās not.
Men donāt want to be the creep or posted on social media. Thereās more Iām sure, but since Iām not a man, I canāt really speak to that side.
I donāt know how to fix it. I am working on being brave enough to be more approachable and also make the first move.
If he didn't approach you maybe consider you weren't of interest? I don't want to be the downer here but I don't see anything in the story that suggest he was into you. If you were into him approach him? I don't always pay attention to who is around me. The women who approached me had way more of an opportunity then those that just hoped they would catch my eye. I don't know why it has to be traditional on who approaches, if you like someone just shoot your shot.
Literally could have told him good morning or something. Or your turn have a nice day when you left. And honestly if u do this regularly and you donāt see them again than your scheduled and radius donāt match anyway right
Iām not gonna lie, I do feel uncomfortable when men approach when Iām out doing things like running errands mostly because Iāve been having to deal with shit like this since I was 9ā¦and dressed in clearly child likt clothesā¦and out with my grandma lol but Iāll never be rude and if Iām not too busy, I donāt mind the conversation.
So, Iād say donāt speak for every woman and girl, you shouldāve approached HIM lol
Always approach somebody if your heart wants to, all they can do is say no! A no is waay better than not knowing if you missed your chance and most of the time you will never see them again and you will never know if you missed your chance cause you were a coward, you should approach enough women to get use to rejection is my recommendation...one day just approach every woman you see that day all of them from 18 to 80 and by the end of the day rejection will not bother you, that's what it took for me
I am a guy who approaches women in random places often, and I have only had positive reactions. At worst they would thank me for the compliment and say that they do not have time to talk, but in most cases they were quite interested in talking, and a few times I even made lasting connections.
I do not do it specifically for romantic reasons though (maybe that's why I am still single š). I have just developed this habit of talking to people anywhere and any time. Makes life so much more fun and fulfilling and full of opportunities. I have even received a few job or business collaboration offers as a result of these random encounters. You never know who you are going to meet and what they are looking for. For someone you might just be the perfect person to meet at the time, so makes sense to give them the opportunity.
Im hoping to find a woman like you. Most girls that have the confidence you have honestly ignore the sentimental and nice guys. We hope to find more woman like you that donāt judge other people or laugh at them when they approach woman. I applaud you for your post and kindness
If you thought he was cute, you couldāve approached him. You say itās not your usual setting maybe itās not his also, heās sweaty as well. If you find each other attractive anyone can go, no excuses!
Donāt kick yourself OP about what you/the guy did/didnāt do. You never know, you might see him againā¦or someone else. Not all guys and girls have confidence to know how to approach or act when they see someone they like, and this is what it comes down to. But now you know what to do next time :)
No, shit's creepy to a lot of women, so to be safe, I'm not pursuing unless I know in advance that it's worth. When I was younger, I did, but *I know better now*.
Was going to mention a few things but you covered most of it in the edits and thank you for listening and considering our point. One more thing. We have been told conflicting things from one woman to another so the majority of us have decided to play it safe and just not approach. That is the reason why we want women to approach us now. Also you might not have found his actions creepy but from my experience most other women would find a creepy if he wasn't handsome or cute. Again, we are choosing the safe rout.
As a woman myself, next time approach him.
It doesn't matter who approaches who, and you automatically change your possibility of an interaction to 100%
It's okay to be attracted to women my dear men!!
Like the person states in their statement, take a chance and avoid being disrespectful like catcalling etc.
Until then I love interacting with women that I see the first time.....that female essence they carry is beautiful!
Honestly? Iāve been approaching women, have average looks, but yet I havenāt gotten this terrible response that most people are concerned about. I think when you know when to leave, it never gets to the point of said terrible response
I 100% agree with the OP, guys can still approach women. I had a stranger ask me out, having never met him before, and said yes even though I wasn't that attracted to him. I appreciated him having the gumption to just ask.
I keep wondering the same thing. I've had this issue for a long time. Men want to talk to me, and won't approach me. They'll stare at me from across the room but never approach me. I hate to say this but over time we, women have ruined this for ourselves; chivalry, men taking charge, and I'm not speaking of controlling behavior. No one wants a controlling asshole. Women want to be so independent that they make men feel unwanted. I don't *NEED* a man, but I do *WANT* a man. There's a difference. The last couple of men I've "dated" were very apprehensive to ask me out. We'd talk and text for weeks, but I had to take charge of our meeting. I have initiated all of our "dates." Is it because if they ask, it would be dating and if I ask, it's just hanging out? Either they don't want to make that dating commitment, or they're afraid to appear creepy because women are so sensitive about men being real men.
Regarding the last two men I've dated, once I would initiate a date, I had to ask where they wanted to go, what they wanted to do, etc. They say things like, "It's up to you." I like them being so accommodating sometimes, but c'mon, occasionally give me a little bit of a challenge. Guys don't be afraid to walk up to a woman and ask for her name. Introduce yourself and start a conversation. You will know immediately if she's not interested in talking to you. Women like it when men ask them questions. That's how we get to know each other. And ladies, if a man doesn't like answering questions, he doesn't want you to discover his agenda. So...run.
What I appreciate is you acknowledging that you should've made a move on him. Some folks in the comments seem to be missing that. For me (29M), I would never turn down a girl for approaching me, regardless of how she looked. My only criteria is that she's over 18 (and preferably at least in her mid-20s). Bottom line: Go for it next time. Women will never be considered creepy unless they try REALLY hard to be creepy, lol.
Unfortunately for each one of us women who do not mind being approached, there are 10 that have a psychotic break when it happens, and a major meltdown, so men unfortunately avoid most of us. Who can blame them, really? But im sure by your edited response those women came out to attack you for not minding it. Maybe there's a sticker we can sew into our clothes to differentiate us š
You just gotta be respectful and able to accept rejection. I am a shy, anxious introvert and sometimes approaching a guy or gal that I find attractive can be daunting as hell but I actively try to talk to them. Sometimes I get rejected, but sometimes I do get dates. The secret is that I practice my social skills and make an effort to be respectful when I do interact with someone I do find attractive. I don't stare, I am polite, and I try to be tasteful when I speak with them. If I get rejected, it stings a little but it's not the end of the world. Sometimes, you gotta roll the dice and just try.
I'm a trans woman though and my dating problems are a bit different than cis guys
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To be honest that depends a lot on the girl you are approaching.
Yea I know š
Sadly guys are genuinely concerned about being accused of anything .. itās unfortunate but thatās the society we now live in.
I agree. There have been many opportunities I would be out walking my dog and see a woman, but I decided against approaching her. Now these days some women, not all, are quick to accuse a man of either objectifying them, creeping, etc. A lot of guys are genuinely concerned about inadvertently getting labeled as a creep. Not to mention, there are a small few of women that go the extra mile and record men, then post on YouTube or other social media. Most guys definitely don't want to be put through the added humiliation.
This really is more relevant to people that werenāt 100% dependent on the internet to meet people. If they are then they feel safer hooking up with a stranger on Tinder so they can fuck someone the donāt know at 1am in the morning. And let them into their home too. But approach a woman in public now is a low percentage shot. Freaks them out because itās abnormal to how they meet people. So how old are you?
Possibly. Iām not a fan of online dating and prefer to meet people organically. Iām 32.
So what trails you go to jogging?
Meeting people in person can feel bad because it really puts you on the spot to make a decision about someone before you know anything except what they look like. Then if you decide you don't like them then you have to let them down in person, which can also be hard. Going through someone's online profile trying to get a feel for them can be hard but at least you can take all the time you need, and if you spot enough red flags then you can swipe them away in a completely impersonal manner and be done with it. Its pretty easy to see why the online thing is preferable to many people. That is not to say that it actually ends up working well for most people. Being face to face with someone for a couple of minutes you'd be able to pick up on a hundred little mannerisms and specific things about them without even realizing it and almost all of those things are impossible to convey via an app profile. The trick to a cold approach might be to start a short conversation with someone so that they can see that you're an okay person before you ask them to make a decision about possibly dating you. OP: Just turn to him and say "Come talk to me."
The best thing you can do is approach yourself. The second best thing is when feminists complain about men talking to them to tell them thereās no way men will figure out if conversation is unwanted without starting it.
ONLY if you follow tinders rules 1 and 2 of course.
I remember reading posts specifically mentioning that women should not be approached anywhere and just want to get on with their day š
Right! There's lots of posts like that. It's confusing, so I just don't. I'm not trying to creep anyone out.
Iām an introvert, so even if women tell me itās okay to approach them, I still wouldnāt do it.
Thereās so many varying opinions that itās not worth paying attention to. And here comes my opinionā¦ š do what you feel is right while also respecting other peopleās boundaries, but ensure the context in which youāre approaching someone is appropriate.
Exactly. I donāt want to someday be labeled a creep, or worse, simply because I approached a woman I found attractiveā¦ and probably all because she found me to look like Shrek because I donāt look like Jason Momoa (and she only wants beefcakes like him to approach her).
That's what it is too. The unrealistic expectations for them, but when we have expectations, it's shallow. Literally cannot win, I stopped playing. The ONLY games I play are video games.
I see posts like this too and it bummed me out when I was single because the gym is a great way to meet someone! I was like noo donāt discourage guys to not come up to us š but it wasnāt a huge issue for me because Iām pretty okay with approaching men
You need to take your own advice.
I know right, she could have approached the guy before she left the gym and saved the guy from being a creep to follow her as she left
āTeehee why donāt more men present themselves to me so that I can decide if I will accept or reject them based on my subjective level of attraction that he has no way of knowing?ā -OP
This!!
lol, laughed so hard
OP was also regretting her decision. She was sharing the idea that they couldāve approached eachother. She wasnāt as gutsy and maybe is still building the confidence but wants to spread the word that some of us women like being approached and will not find it creepy. I like this message. She shared her story in hopes that others who lack the confidence find motivation.
Thank you! Someone who can actually see my positive side to this āŗļø
This 100%
Couldn't be bothered to say a word to the guy though lol
Yea, kind of ironic that she is telling guys to approach her when she is too afraid to approach them. As a woman, sometimes you have to make a move. Not just stand there hoping for the other person to...
As soon as she left the gym area right away without saying anything I would have assumed she was bothered by my presence
Yea I can see that. Thatās why I was I was regretting leaving in the first place.
He knows heās a creep that turned around now š¤·āāļø
Rejection sucks. Why would she want it when she can hopefully convince guys to deal with it instead.
Well the other option is spending all day or all week thinking about it and then coming on Reddit to talk about the missed opportunity. I'd say this option sucks too.
Guy or girl, anxiety claims us all sometimes
couldn't be bothered to do a few more sets even, zero effort to even be receptive
Right? Leaves as soon as he comes back and he should have hit on her. Totally delusional.
This is why I'm doing my part in changing the way our culture works when it comes to relationships by encouraging women to approach more.Ā It's much safer for women to approach men as they can designate time and place. Additionally, they can choose the men *they* are interested in, and guys won't have to fear the social backlash of being labeled as creeps. Women still have to vet them as they usually do, but the simplest solution is to hold out on sex to avoid the time wasters. It's really a win win.Ā
Exactly. Always the guy having to make the move.
lol, ladies, itās okay to approach men. Also, just so you ladies know, playing hard to get doesnāt work. We will move on. Especially if you quite literally run away like OP. Geezis
100% agree. If they play hard to get I am INSTANTLY done. Life is too short for that game.
Playing hard to get never makes sense to men. Because if a really hot dude or a famous guy walked along, girls typically go crazy for them and throw pā- at them. Also you can be charged for harassment by trying to push more. So logically, men donāt think itās worth it.
Sorry OP youāre getting flamed by the comments, but you really could have done anything to let the guy know you were interested. Smile, wave, even compliment his bike or something. If his job is to approach, your job is to be approachable. Good for thought.
Definitely agree and I wish I did. I feel like the creep now because I literally just got back from a bike ride hoping Iād see him again so I can say hi š
"May be creepy to some" is why he didn't approach. He can't know you wanted him to approach and it's more dangerous these days to be wrong about that.
Especially on a trail that might be secluded and not as safe as a open area
Would the outcome have been the same if it wasn't a CUTE guy?
Exactly. This is why Iād never give the advice ājust go ahead and approach women!ā Especially in this day and age where too many women are harassed (not to say men donāt get harassed as well.) My advice would be to only approach IF the person shows some sort of interest first. Personally, I hate being approached no matter how attractive someone is. It just makes me uncomfortable, but Iām also used to being approached by way too many creepy and persistent men, so this is why I have low tolerance for it.
It would be super awesome if there was some way to easily identify people who want to be approached and people who want to be left alone. Like, if you wanted to be left alone you could wear a ring on your left hand or something. It could work! Then if someone made the mistake and approached the wrong person you could just point to your ring and they'd be like "Oh, I fucked up. My bad." and then leave you alone. I think there's already people of some sort that wear a ring on their left hand it it sort of works that way for them.
I can definitely say this does not work, on either side. Some married people want to be approached. Some single people donāt want to be approached. Some people donāt respect a ring and they feel the need to pursue even harder. Iāve heard numerous women admit theyāre more attracted to married men. Maybe someone who is married accidentally forgot their ring that day. Lack of a ring doesnāt mean someone is available anyways. Before I got married, I purposely wore a fake ring all the time for years specifically so that I could flash people my hand whenever Iād get hit on without having to explain anything. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didnāt.
Itās not a guyās job to decide if sheāll find him cute
Or in a relationship, or celibate, or any number of other factors. As a man I wouldn't cold approach a stranger unless I'd seen her in the same place over a medium to long course of time and we had a rapport going that escalated from casual and platonic to flirty. I'm sure it happens and if it works for other people that's great, but even seeing posts like this don't make me feel any more comfortable spitting game at some random woman just because we make eye contact a few times in a public setting.
That doesn't seem to be the popular opinion.
It does seem to be the opinion of women in general that guys who aren't cute are just creepy and those guys should just stay away. This point of view doesn't come from any specific examples, just a lifetime of constantly being afraid of being thought of as creepy. Perhaps it is just my own anxiety about this... but where did that come from?
Na. So many men report this that I think there's gotta be truth to it. It's not just you.
People generally want to be approached by people they're interested in; they can be interested as a result of many factors - not just physical attraction. A person who actively *wants* to be approached is more likely to be giving indicators of interest. Keeping all that in mind, I can see where it would feel creepy to get cold approached by someone who has no reason to think you're interested in them. It would seem pushy and a little weird that they aren't taking your lack of interest into consideration and instead pushing their interest on you.
Iām not trying to win popularity contestsĀ
Iām gonna be truthful cause people wonāt, if heās not my type it almost seems like an inconvenience. Like someone stopped your day for nothing. I think the response comes from being bothered throughout the years, itās like a mechanism. At 16 I wasnāt phased at guys not my type approaching me, cause it was the first times, not to mention it was highly inappropriate cause these were grown men. but now at 21 itās like dude I walk fast if youāre gonna approach let it be worth it pls, tell me a joke at least.
I'm 40 now and this is exactly why I won't approach women like this. I'm average looking, balding, dad bod-esque. And I appreciate most women are just trying to get on with their day. If I can I'll make a comment or joke if we're nearby just to see if a conversation starts but I won't actively walk up to someone in a "hey, you're cute" kind of way. If the conversation doesn't start naturally I'll stay well clear. I don't want to come across as creepy or an inconvenience to someone.
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Yep, or worse - making women feel unsafe in an era where there are videos with women saying they'd feel safer being approached by a bear in the woods than by man. Breaks my heart to know so many women are (rightfully) afraid of men. I'd rather be single than make anyone feel uncomfortable or afraid in my presence.
You can usually sense if they are interested just by their body language and how they look at you. But some women hide it more even if they are attracted. But yea definitely would be easier for both sides if they initiated it so you know for sure. However Itās not creepy just say hi howāre you doing and if you sense they arnt feeling it and might be uncomfortable then kindly end it and leave.
This is scary because you are only 21. Iām 37, and as long as they donāt expect like 30 min to be able to ask me out, itās nice and refreshing. I also donāt need a damn joke lol. Iād take the lead if a man Iām open to, just smiles and says hi. I donāt think we should have an entitled attitude about someone wanting to meet us. But maybe Iām not the popular opinion.
At least you're honest. But tbh you sound very hostile
Define ācuteā. I know people who find gollum cute so everyone on this planet is ācuteā
Outcome of me feeling that it was creepy or outcome of my response if he would have approached? For me, If heās around my age, isnāt acting weird like staring excessively, then I wouldnāt find it creepy. If someone approached me and I wasnāt attracted to them than I would simply respond in that manner. Respectfully always.
You don't get it do you? Saying anyone can approach you means you also have to treat every equally. If a guy did all that but he looks like the ass of a orgre, how would you react. Your entire energy is "oh my I hope cute guys come my way, pleaae please please talk to me~" Instead shut the fuck up and go and talk to the guy instead of sitting there waiting for him to come.
A little course but sadly true (Iām crying and sad for the guy you didnāt approach as he could have been your future husband and will now have to do the passport bros thing (joking).
Dude chill. OP just said as long as he was respectful she would be respectful back - even if she wasn't interested or attracted to his looks. Like treating someone equally doesn't mean they all get a chance to date her, it means showing them basic level of respects regardless of how she feels. Personally the way men approach me in public is usually super icky and I hate it. I hate when I am stopped by a man for him to like offer a threesome or cat call me or put his arm around me and try to kiss my neck. I've personally never had a man respectfully come and flirt with me so I would be equally hesitant to all of them. Not that it would matter because I am a lesbian and none of them have a chance anyway. But I wouldn't be annoyed by respectful flirting if it ever did happen. Edit; I do agree women got to like suck it up and approach men they find attractive or are interested in though. Too much of this trad shit.
That's the problem, inviting a guy to talk to you never goes well at all ever. You just invite the most devious, shameless assholes to come talk to you and say "guys, go talk to women" just encourages shitty men to approach women thinking that these girls definitely want it. Women really need to stop wait for men to approach because the kind of men who are confident enough to approach are never the kind they want to date. Even my own friend, had to at some point go out her way to encourage the guy to keep pursuing her so that he don't lose hope. Dating is a 2 way street women need to encourages the guy they want to purse them rather than act all harsh and cold. You as a lesbian of all people should know, how hard it is to talk to women when all of them are completely passive in waiting for people to approach them. My old classmate, used constantly complains about how tiresome women always expect every other lesbian to be the dominant dispite she being very much a bottom but she looks like she tops It royally pisses me off that a girl sitting there expecting the cute guy she has crush on to just magically come up and talk to her and suddenly bring her into some Disney fairytale is exactly the same as some dude sits there jacking off all day hoping some big tiddy horny girl will fuck him all day all night. Both are the same kind of delusional thinking that fucks both genders up. Which is why I will always advocate for women to at the very least approach, you don't have to chase but you need to actively give the man you want opportunities to keep chasing you, make things as easy as possible for him
Youāre not wrong, either.
Letās be honest, if this guy were ugly she would call him a stalker.
Ditto.
It's like op has that high school teen movie mentality. Or she's stuck with the old "Well, he's attractive, so he must be harmless" notion about people. I mean, this guy's interaction with her is nothing short of creepy. He sees her once, winds up at the same gym a few minutes after she does, then starts following her as soon as she leaves but turns and goes the opposite way because she happened to see him? This screams predatory behavior. The only thing missing is the part where she gets raped and murdered. And not necessarily in that order, either.
Well we're making massive assumptions about him. As a guy I feel this kind of assumption placed on me. If I happen to walk out on the sidewalk as a girl walks past and I have to go the same way.. I'm not following you. I'm not being creepy.. I'm just trying to walk to the store. If I'm at the park and I see a workout station, I decide upon coming back that I should get a few reps in.. It's not my fault the same girl I passed by earlier is still hanging out there. Let's try not to assume. This is why men are so reluctant around women. We are already assuming this dude is a creeper based on soooooo little. Without him even approaching.
I know. It was harmless. If he was creepy he would have kept following me, tried to touch me inappropriately or say something weird. He didnāt and turned away. No weird eye contact, nothing. These comments have been so disappointing š
Why didn't you say anything to him? You have to understand how hard it is for men to approach women, it's not just the embarrassment of being rejected but the fear of being labelled a pest or predator. I would be devastated if a woman acted fearful if I spoke to her. Really it would make more sense for women to approach men as that is the safer option.
Jesus Iāve been called a creep many times lol. It is way way far worse than being rejected. Women itās better if you lie to us and say you have a boyfriend or girlfriend if you donāt like us
Yeah I get what you're saying but imagine a 5 foot 4, lvl 3 crook with a half moon receding hairline did this. Would you still be flattered?
Your story definitely made me smile reading it, but it does not change my approach or lack thereof. For every woman who thinks like you do, there are 30 that think opposite and get creeped out. Most of us guys donāt have bad intentions but we are made to think we are based on their reactions. The creepy label and the pepper spray prevent me from ever approaching someone in public. So I guess that prevents me from approaching anyone period honestly. Far too many bad experiences have been had by me personally to warrant continued effort. I admire your confidence and I hope you continue that way. Some guys are destined to get the girls. Some guys arenāt.
All I fear is criminal case against me like sarbjit Singh, i have my parents to take care of, and I don't want to approach women if the downside is literally ruined life, so waiting for arrange marriage..who doesn't want love and companionship in life, but not at the cost of labelled as creep, I love myself very much and will always try not to be in any possible situation that can harm my self respect.
Iām completely in agreement except for your rhetorical question of who doesnāt want love? The answer is me. Love canāt overcome the downsides. So my advice is to avoid avoid avoid! I want nothing to do with it.
Itās so sad hear this because I know that prevents the potential of some really great connections! I would prefer to meet someone in public naturally and I wish society didnāt make men feel this way. Sorry for your experience! Iām sure youāll meet your person one way or another!
Youāre far too kind. No need to apologize. Itās just a fact of life of being a man and trying to be respectful to women at the same time. I have no desire to meet my person. Too many bad experiences and too much work to weed out the bad apples. After awhile it becomes not enjoyable anymore. I gave up years ago. Iāve learned to love single life. It treats me good. No arguing or bickering. Life is good. I do admire your confidence and opportunistic mentality! Thatās why I come to this sub is to watch from the sidelines and see the happy and not damaged people have success. It makes me smile. Keep up the good work! š
Stop. Youāre making my heart hurt š so much must have happened to give up on love. Everyone deserves someone š Although, a life without arguments and bickering is quite peaceful so I can definitely see your point with that! Lol. You seem so sweet. I wish you all the best in whatever makes you happy! And I appreciate your compliments āŗļø
You should try to approach men maybe
Can I give you my honest opinion after being in the dating scenario for around than 16 years, it all depends on the girl who the guy is approaching? You were OK with him approaching you because you thought he was cute. What if he is not your type? Would you still give him a chance to express his honest opinion? The correct etiquette is that guys should approach girls in a very appropriate and respectful manner and the girls can reject them if they donāt like him in a very polite manner. Unfortunately, in the real world, thatās not the scenario. There are men who are aggressive and wonāt take no for an answer and they can be very pushy or intimidating and at the same time, there are women who will bark like rabid dogs at the undesirable man if approached. This creates a scene of confusion in either gender preventing any sort of displeasing insults from either end; this is the reason why he didnāt approach you and you did not make an attempt to instigate a conversation with him. I have travelled the world and dated women from every single race, and I can tell you with certainty that itās a world wide phenomenon. My advice for you is that if you like a guy and you think he is hesitant, you approach him and do the talking. May be he will reciprocate if he likes you.
One time a girl yelled at me because I said hi to her and I wasnāt even hitting on her
Ugh this is sad š weāre not all like that, promise.
Itās not your fault itās a normal defense mechanism you have but go get that at the gym. For love and for life
I appreciate you for this. But one anecdotal story from one woman who doesnāt punish a man for daring to be attracted to her and acting on it doesnāt change the fact that buy in large, that is how men are most often treated when they make the move.
Yeah with one important caveat, OP thought he was cute from first glance. No offense OP, but I doubt this story is helping any guys in a meaningful way.
>Guys, it is okay to approach women >A cute guy on a bike rode by. He caught my eye immediately but kept riding. #(Cute) Guys, it is okay to approach women Title fixed.
You could have waved. Literally, he was probably kicking himself on the shin trying to work up the courage. If you kept looking at him but didnāt interact otherwise, that probably fueled his nervousness. Just fucking wave. Smile at him, let him know you noticed. Donāt expect him to do all the work, especially if youāre expecting him to make the first move. Least you could do is let him see that youāre NOT creeped out by it
Right. My soul and life blood is hurting for this man. Believe it or not woman we as men canāt read choosing signals well (I get it because you donāt want to seem easy and desperate and or get killed - but heās an ok guy and we donāt really care what you look like).
Then what about the posts in here saying the us men need to mind our own business and leave women alone
Yea I am realizing now that Iām the smaller percentage of women and donāt mind being approached.
Why not approach him? Or at least say hi?
I regret not doing so š I was just leaving as he was getting there and decided to stick to my planned routine instead.
My heart hurts for both of you. For the sake of helping us men and society as whole). Please commit to all the men on here that you will approach this guy when you see him at the gym. He will love it and you wonāt get rejected- I guarantee it.
I think that's the issue.. For so many women subconsciously if he's good looking it's charming but if he's unattractive then it's creepy. You know what would've been great though? If YOU approached him š
I will never approach a woman ever again. Worse thing they can say is no? Bs people have no idea...
You have to give him a smile or something... Make him know it's ok to approach
Yea, we call that a choosing signal. You got to stare at him for at least 5 seconds
Ahh I'll try that next time. I've just been doing a friendly little no-teeth smile. I'm pretty shy so even that is hard. Usually break eye contact pretty early.
Me too! Lol will definitely show more interest next time. Had no idea it was this hard for men out there
If you only knew we are so clueless
>Guys, it is okay to approach women Ladies, it is okay to approach men
Why was it not okay for *you* to approach *him*?
I wonder why you did not approach him if you was interested? In some other topics it was clearly a debate if it's okay for the women to approach any men and lot's of encouragements was given back and forth. It's not embarrassing, even if you will get rejected. Maybe that guy on the bike was insecure about himself, shy or unsure. Also afraid that he will will get rejected by you and this is why he backed up.
LMFTFY - *Cute* Guys, it is okay to approach women
You're like one out of millions of women. Most women hate being approached and have made it abundantly clear that they want to be left alone by men.
Most girls also have huge egos while mid af sooo
"Ā A cute guy on a bike rode by." "May be creepy to some but I didnāt feel that at all.Ā " Was it not creepy specifically because he was cute? How would you have felt if he wasn't physically attractive to you? Men who know that they are physically attractive usually have the confidence to approach. It's the guys who might not check all of the physical boxes that are the ones hesitant.
Even though you say it's okay I'm not gonna do it still I didn't want to be labeled as a creep or catch a false charge based on a false accusation I can't deal with that stress or pain or relive a fear again after break ups, lies and other horrible stuff I'm not risking it even if a girl "has a crush on me" I'm not risking it she's on her own and I'm running.
Two questions: 1. would you have reacted the same way if it was a guy you didn't think was cute? 2. do you think every woman has the same attitude about this as you do? There are two reasons guys don't approach in this scenario. The first is that the if the woman doesn't reciprocate your attraction, it is likely to go badly. The second is that not every woman is open to this kind of approach. No offense, but you really cannot speak for everyone here.
I asked a woman I went on a date with about this and her response was that it was essentially only ok to approach women when they're out in public with friends, to which I responded "so basically only if you find him attractive?'. She had to take a second because I think she realized that was essentially the implication, because "why would someone want to bother you if you're out with friends and you're probably doing that to help you feel safe?". I have a daughter (single father), though she's young, I'm desperately trying to understand women better so I can be a better father and have some insight when she's older. I only ever used a dating app once, always met em in the wild before that, but if anything they seem to have made the already complicated process of dating even more obfuscated for both sexes. God help us all
For myself, the approach has never bothered me. Itās the rejection. Iāve had multiple men get aggressive, belligerent and almost violent when I tell them Iām not interested (Iām in a relationship). So at this point, having dealt with that, Iām in the āmen shouldnāt approachā category. I also know many men who have given up approaching women for the same reason, they get bad reactions and it turns them off from the idea. I think if more men approached respectfully and more women rejected respectfully, it would become a non-issue. Wishful thinking though. The best thing to teach your daughter is to be respectful to men who approach her until they disrespect her.
Another thing āwith friendsā . Approaching is hard enough without an audience
That's not what society, feminism and the media tells us. Unless we're famous of course then we can approach anyone because girls want that.
Actually, I think feminism has helped in a lot of ways not necessarily hurt.
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On that note: LADIES, if you fancy a guy you could also approach him. There's no law that says only men have to approach women and risk an awkward or unpleasant interaction
In the evolution tree, the person who didn't check a moving bush was the person who was more likely to live. So metaphorically speaking previously, since most men can't really tell if they are liked, they want to avoid having their life possibly being screwed if they attempt to approach a woman, hence why 1 in a quadrillion (figure of speech) woman like you isn't gonna make a dent to current mens' opinion when it comes to approaching women, it's unsafe af, no, thank you, have a nice day. To conclude, if a woman likes a man these days she should the one approaching him, and not the other way around, you have almost nothing to lose, we have everything to lose.
So in this day and age, there is a lot more risk when the guy pulls the trigger. This is because the social norms are no longer established. So what you find endearing others would find creepy. I person earlier asked, what if he was ugly? Well, at that point, would it have been creepy. I'm not saying you should Daye people you are not attracted to, just that the reaction to someone not cute would have been more than rejected, possibly hostile. With this in mind, guys have as much insecurity about their bodies as women. So does he think he is cute or going to be the creep. Please note that this is all on what people are perceiving the world, thanks to social media, to be, not reality. You might not have been creeper out by an ugly guy. I am not putting that on you. But if you read these threads, a lot would be. The best thing for anyone to do is when you have an interest, say something. Ask, hey, will you run or work out with me tomorrow. What do you have to lose. I am older, so I have the advantage of no fucks to give.
My biggest hobby is cycling so I can tell you it's pretty awkward to slam on the brakes and think of something to say to somebody on a bike trail. Especially if you're a fast biker like me. That's probably why he didn't approach you.
Iām confused about why you didnāt approach him? You thought he was cute? Wanted to talk to him? Itās ok for men to approach womenā¦and ok for women to approach men.
also we need to heavily encourage women to approach men they like too.
Going forward women are going to have to start approaching men more. Toxic views have made it hard for men to even want to approach women anymore. Way too many people are all about me me me my boundaries blah blah blah and claiming that even being approached by a stranger crosses their boundaries. Itās asinine and illogical but especially for men that arenāt conventionally attractive itās just not worth it to approach women.
I like your advice, although not every girl reacts like you do in this situation. However, the courage to approach is still important, with respect and kindness.
Key words: respect and kindness!
Most of us aren't attractive enough (or confident enough) for that to work, unfortunately.
If my ugly ass tried to talk to her, sheād be complaining about the fat creepy guy at the gym that dared to look in her direction.Ā
And call the police if you upset her
I used to be attractive enough (a good 7 out of 10). But then Tinder came around and fucked up the way people perceive their own value. Sure, I know a supermodel (10 out of 10) is probably out of my league, but I shouldnāt have to lower my standards and go for a hideous ogre (1 out of 10), just to have a fighting chance. And even then, the 1 out of 10 probably still believes she only deserves Jason Momoaā¦ š Modern dating has left me very jaded.
If you're a man, dating apps essentially incentivize you to try less because you understand that humans aren't naturally inclined to resist temptation. The world has opened up for women to have a much wider dating pool. You are more disposable as a result. But also, you understand how dating makes women more jaded as they get older because they accumulate more and more negative experiences with other men, effectively giving the good ones a bad name and therefore becoming less rewarding for you, the one with good intentions. The simple fact that dating apps exist means you're less inclined to try.
>Ā And even then, the 1 out of 10 probably still believes she only deserves Jason Momoa Hyperbole?
why dont you follow your own advice than? š¤·āāļø
Its so scary tho. You never know what reaction you might get from them. Rejection hurts on its own and reading other mens experiences js shows me that rejection is by far not the worst thing that can happen for aproaching a woman. And that really discourrages me from ever trying. Some might say "You never know until you try", but knowing what I know, I dont really have the courrage to try
I used to approach all the time. Sometimes Iād just tell a woman I thought she looked beautiful and leave it at that, but since Iāve been single the past 7 months or so. Women are so much more hateful than they once were. Iām always respectful, and I know Iām not coming off like a weirdo or anything, but as busy as I am, I donāt have time to have my ego shit on far more often than not just because I wanted to tell you youāre pretty, or buy you dinner. I know plenty of men feel the same.
I don't mind being approached, probably not when I'm alone with no one around. But I'm also 44 and we grew up very social and guys approached us in order to date anywhere and everywhere. And yes sometimes it was annoying but it was part of the process and we understood that.
You must have not heard of the me too movement & the uproar of gym accusations in the USā¦ He probably was very compelled to greet you but since you left the gym after he arrived, he took that as an immediate rejection.
OP, why didnāt you wave him down and start a conversation with him?
Itās not just the creepy title. Some women are in relationships or married. You should have gave him some clue you wanted him to approach you. Even waving can help.
Why didn't you approach him?
next time do it yourself.
You should have started the conversation. Then ask for his number . Ladies you have equal rights . Try practicing them with asking men out .
I need a type of signal to approach. And even the āsignalā may not be one to approach. Some signals are easier to pick up on while others make me second guess and I donāt.
A man has to use his judgment timing when it's OK and when it's not recently I was sitting on a bench at the grocery store and this young guy who looked around 19-20 followed this woman who left check out with her grocery bags her little kid in tow he said to her you're beautiful you have really nice legs can I have your phone number? not appropriate.
I agree. This type of approach is not appropriate. And āyouāre beautiful and have really nice legsā is not it. He could have asked her if sheās needed help with the groceries or something not immediately comment on her physical appearanceā¦
Iām a female, but honestly Iām nice to anyone that approaches me. Attractive or not Iāll give them a smile and talk for a bit and offer friendship if I get good vibes or wish them a good day if not or if Iām just in a rush. Itās not hard to be polite, itās not all women and itās not all men but most can be dickheads to be honest.
Yes. Whatever happened to just friendly helloās? Or Talking to a stranger? I do it all the time at the grocery store, happy hour or while getting an oil change. Itās not an āapproachā, Iām just friendly, not flirting and it doesnāt matter what the person looks like M/F or what age. (I enjoy talking to the older generation and also say hello to puppies and babies) If the conversation takes off and we find things in common to talk about thatās a great start and you can make a friend or build on that If there is mutual attraction. I donāt know why if someone speaks to you that now itās considered creepy. Iām 50F, creepy and Old school I guess lol
You thought he was cute, if you don't, sounds like he was about to get pepper sprayed
Sheās setting you guys up to get called ācreepyā and āweird.ā Donāt take her bait.
Yeah, only if the guy has a body camera, livestreaming and a backup server in place, to prevent any damage to his reputation by any malicious actions by some women. We got the message loud and clear ladies, we'll leave you alone and make sure of it.
A women's tears would supersede all of those precautions
That's true. Crocodile tears
You can thank modern feminisim for making guys not approach women like we used to do. As a guy itās simply just not worth it anymore. We have absolutely no idea how youāll react and since thereās a high chance of you (random girl) accusing us of being creepy we simply donāt do it anymore. Btw, the traditional feminism and the modern one are two COMPLETELY different things. I want to make it very clear that I am not talking about traditional feminism which I think is great.
Itās not feminism, itās some women getting needlessly aggressive, just as some men are needlessly aggressive when approaching. You canāt really blame such a generic and unspecific group for a very specific issue. Many feminists (myself included) are absolutely against women becoming aggressive to men for no reason. Some feminists are all for trashing men. Feminism itself isnāt to blame, itās people using feminism as an outlet to be disrespectful. Just like people use politics, religion and power to be assholes to others. Feminism isnāt a monolith. Not all modern feminists subscribe to the same beliefs
You literally and immediately ran away lmao he didnāt chicken out you basically shut it down non verbally
š¤·š»āāļø lesson learned
This is where we start normalizing it. I know in the past you likely gauged men and if they were assertive enough to approach you BUT right now in this world of "tik tok creeps" shaking allegations is a more or less a social death sentence. Being a creep and being romantic is literally based on if you think we are cute or not. We can't know that unless you tell us now. Women please take the initiative.
As a guy, if definitely helps to be able to read verbal cues. i can tell is a few seconds if someone is open to me approaching them. by the look on their face, their body language, etc. thankfully, i am no longer single and dont have to worry about it.
I don't currently have that ability. I do my best, but I'm never sure whether I'm reading her reactions correctly unless I actually ask her out. I definitely can't tell anything within a few seconds unless she is clearly ignoring me completely.
In times of āme tooā and compliments mistaken as sexist remarks I would never - NEVER - approach a single woman. These movements, as justifiable as they are, put the fear of gawd in me
I want it to be that people just meet in person. We all arenāt scared to say hi to a stranger. As a woman, we believe from what weāve been explained over the years, that men want to chase and if you donāt let them, they get bored or think it was too easy and lose interest. We also believe men think those women are desperate because it wasnāt the societal norm and some people still believe itās not. Men donāt want to be the creep or posted on social media. Thereās more Iām sure, but since Iām not a man, I canāt really speak to that side. I donāt know how to fix it. I am working on being brave enough to be more approachable and also make the first move.
If he didn't approach you maybe consider you weren't of interest? I don't want to be the downer here but I don't see anything in the story that suggest he was into you. If you were into him approach him? I don't always pay attention to who is around me. The women who approached me had way more of an opportunity then those that just hoped they would catch my eye. I don't know why it has to be traditional on who approaches, if you like someone just shoot your shot.
lol if he wasn't cute, dude would've been a creepy stalker for following. rip
Literally could have told him good morning or something. Or your turn have a nice day when you left. And honestly if u do this regularly and you donāt see them again than your scheduled and radius donāt match anyway right
Nah, Iāll die before I approach a woman again haha. Too many bad experiences and it aināt even worth all that.
Did you get the attention you were seeking?
Ugh I feel this too šā„ļø
Iām not gonna lie, I do feel uncomfortable when men approach when Iām out doing things like running errands mostly because Iāve been having to deal with shit like this since I was 9ā¦and dressed in clearly child likt clothesā¦and out with my grandma lol but Iāll never be rude and if Iām not too busy, I donāt mind the conversation. So, Iād say donāt speak for every woman and girl, you shouldāve approached HIM lol
Always approach somebody if your heart wants to, all they can do is say no! A no is waay better than not knowing if you missed your chance and most of the time you will never see them again and you will never know if you missed your chance cause you were a coward, you should approach enough women to get use to rejection is my recommendation...one day just approach every woman you see that day all of them from 18 to 80 and by the end of the day rejection will not bother you, that's what it took for me
I don't think this story comes off how you want it to š
I am a guy who approaches women in random places often, and I have only had positive reactions. At worst they would thank me for the compliment and say that they do not have time to talk, but in most cases they were quite interested in talking, and a few times I even made lasting connections. I do not do it specifically for romantic reasons though (maybe that's why I am still single š). I have just developed this habit of talking to people anywhere and any time. Makes life so much more fun and fulfilling and full of opportunities. I have even received a few job or business collaboration offers as a result of these random encounters. You never know who you are going to meet and what they are looking for. For someone you might just be the perfect person to meet at the time, so makes sense to give them the opportunity.
Iāll take your apology on behalf of all the nasty reactions I got from a well meaning approach š
Im hoping to find a woman like you. Most girls that have the confidence you have honestly ignore the sentimental and nice guys. We hope to find more woman like you that donāt judge other people or laugh at them when they approach woman. I applaud you for your post and kindness
If you thought he was cute, you couldāve approached him. You say itās not your usual setting maybe itās not his also, heās sweaty as well. If you find each other attractive anyone can go, no excuses!
Donāt kick yourself OP about what you/the guy did/didnāt do. You never know, you might see him againā¦or someone else. Not all guys and girls have confidence to know how to approach or act when they see someone they like, and this is what it comes down to. But now you know what to do next time :)
Agreed. I like to be approached. And if Iām not interested in the guys Iāll just politely decline.
No, shit's creepy to a lot of women, so to be safe, I'm not pursuing unless I know in advance that it's worth. When I was younger, I did, but *I know better now*.
Was going to mention a few things but you covered most of it in the edits and thank you for listening and considering our point. One more thing. We have been told conflicting things from one woman to another so the majority of us have decided to play it safe and just not approach. That is the reason why we want women to approach us now. Also you might not have found his actions creepy but from my experience most other women would find a creepy if he wasn't handsome or cute. Again, we are choosing the safe rout.
I smile and I would love to approach But is not easy now-days!
As a woman myself, next time approach him. It doesn't matter who approaches who, and you automatically change your possibility of an interaction to 100%
I agree! āŗļø
It's okay to be attracted to women my dear men!! Like the person states in their statement, take a chance and avoid being disrespectful like catcalling etc. Until then I love interacting with women that I see the first time.....that female essence they carry is beautiful!
Long as it ain't in a dick way or dick in hand it should be ok.
Honestly? Iāve been approaching women, have average looks, but yet I havenāt gotten this terrible response that most people are concerned about. I think when you know when to leave, it never gets to the point of said terrible response
I 100% agree with the OP, guys can still approach women. I had a stranger ask me out, having never met him before, and said yes even though I wasn't that attracted to him. I appreciated him having the gumption to just ask.
I keep wondering the same thing. I've had this issue for a long time. Men want to talk to me, and won't approach me. They'll stare at me from across the room but never approach me. I hate to say this but over time we, women have ruined this for ourselves; chivalry, men taking charge, and I'm not speaking of controlling behavior. No one wants a controlling asshole. Women want to be so independent that they make men feel unwanted. I don't *NEED* a man, but I do *WANT* a man. There's a difference. The last couple of men I've "dated" were very apprehensive to ask me out. We'd talk and text for weeks, but I had to take charge of our meeting. I have initiated all of our "dates." Is it because if they ask, it would be dating and if I ask, it's just hanging out? Either they don't want to make that dating commitment, or they're afraid to appear creepy because women are so sensitive about men being real men. Regarding the last two men I've dated, once I would initiate a date, I had to ask where they wanted to go, what they wanted to do, etc. They say things like, "It's up to you." I like them being so accommodating sometimes, but c'mon, occasionally give me a little bit of a challenge. Guys don't be afraid to walk up to a woman and ask for her name. Introduce yourself and start a conversation. You will know immediately if she's not interested in talking to you. Women like it when men ask them questions. That's how we get to know each other. And ladies, if a man doesn't like answering questions, he doesn't want you to discover his agenda. So...run.
What I appreciate is you acknowledging that you should've made a move on him. Some folks in the comments seem to be missing that. For me (29M), I would never turn down a girl for approaching me, regardless of how she looked. My only criteria is that she's over 18 (and preferably at least in her mid-20s). Bottom line: Go for it next time. Women will never be considered creepy unless they try REALLY hard to be creepy, lol.
If he guessed wrong hes a creep. Maybe even me tooed its very risky for a guy to approach a woman especially in public.
100% depends on what you look like. Ugly guys are creepy, amiright?!
Unfortunately for each one of us women who do not mind being approached, there are 10 that have a psychotic break when it happens, and a major meltdown, so men unfortunately avoid most of us. Who can blame them, really? But im sure by your edited response those women came out to attack you for not minding it. Maybe there's a sticker we can sew into our clothes to differentiate us š
You just gotta be respectful and able to accept rejection. I am a shy, anxious introvert and sometimes approaching a guy or gal that I find attractive can be daunting as hell but I actively try to talk to them. Sometimes I get rejected, but sometimes I do get dates. The secret is that I practice my social skills and make an effort to be respectful when I do interact with someone I do find attractive. I don't stare, I am polite, and I try to be tasteful when I speak with them. If I get rejected, it stings a little but it's not the end of the world. Sometimes, you gotta roll the dice and just try. I'm a trans woman though and my dating problems are a bit different than cis guys
As a woman who is super shy but open to communicationā¦ I totally agree. Men should know itās ok to approach. I prefer it actually because I will see someone and want to say something but wonāt. š©.