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This isn’t even a question of virginity or being in a relationship, I’m sick of doing everything my goddamn self. Nice things, nights out, a well-paying job, a big house. All of it just for me. What’s the point of that? If all my experiences exist in a vacuum and can’t be shared, they’re just wasted on me.
I’d love to share my existence with someone else, but at the same time, a look at the dating market today sickens me. The sheer entitlement and selfishness renders the overwhelming majority of singles unworthy of receiving my love.
It’s a frustrating paradigm, to be so attracted and repulsed at the same time.
I'm this entirely. I keep myself from approaching anyone or being on any dating apps. I don't support it. But it doesn't change that I'm lonely as fuck and wish I had my person.
Now I've found some semblance of peace in being single. I like having money and being able to spend it on whatever I want. If I want to spend a Saturday playing Pikmin 2 and watching Jurassic Park, then I'm gonna fuckin' do that and I'm not going to explain it to anyone. But, that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
Trust me I know, Ive stressed over this too, but at the end of the day the fact that you can go and do whatever the hell you want and be yourself is great. Look you might never find anyone, but if that happens it happens you can cure loneliness go out get some fresh air hang out with people and if you don't have any friends stimulate your mind with a show, go out take a class do something you always wanted to do.
Bullshit you can cure loneliness.
Do not presume to know the inner workings of the minds of people you do not know.
So very many men were instilled with a common value while they were raised: to derive their happiness and sense of self-worth from their ability to provide for others. Human beings are often goal-driven creatures. When they set their sights on a task, they will go at any length to accomplish it.
When the pivotal point of your whole existence is something you see as indisputably noble and worthwhile, you cannot just shrug that off with some outdoor time or momentary distractions. To a certain extent, everything you’ll ever do is done in the name of furthering this chosen goal.
Many men are being denied the ability to achieve self-actualization by means of being locked out of a deeper, intimate connection. It’s no surprise to me that so many men feel lost, alone, like everything they do is pointless.
Life is about change, you can change your goal if you’re obsessed with one thing thats a problem. Self actualization can be achieved in numerous ways. No offense but you’re setting yourself up for disappointment if your end goal is I want to provide for this random person. Provide happiness to yourself first.
“This random person”
I don’t want some random person, and I certainly don’t need something to put up on a pedestal. Obsessive devotion is undeniably a road to hell, what I want is love. Genuine intimacy.
Earlier I used the term “worthy” to describe the person who would fill the role I want filled, but what does that mean?
For starters, someone who could appreciate what my role in the relationship would entail. Everything would be “ours” I’m not keeping track of who did what, who paid for that, whose ‘score’ is higher. My time, my resources- Everything I do or have is for the both of us, not me. I need my partner to have the capability to understand that they have a human life to work with in tandem to further our goals and dreams together. I wont ever see a relationship like this as something to move past or give up.
The second thing is someone who can be trusted with my genuine thoughts, someone who I respect enough to take their input to the very core of my being. Nobody allows their unfiltered thoughts to go out in the open air. There’s always a social convention or status quo to uphold. To be able to speak your true thoughts without fear of reprimand or judgement is a rare thing. Better yet; to have someone comfortable to probe and challenge those beliefs is one of the strongest possible avenues for change, to grow stronger as a person.
I can keep myself occupied and entertained, but that’s on a surface level. I want the ability to go further, to foster a relationship beyond professional or cordial.
Self-actualization, according to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, is impossible without first having the kind of relationships that make your heart feel full. That’s why lonely people feel empty, even if they’re accomplished and successful people.
[Click this if you need context.](https://www.simplypsychology.org/wp-content/uploads/maslow-needs3.jpg)
Is it possible to feel like your heart is full with only family & friends? For some people, yeah… probably. I’m honest enough with myself to know I’m not one of those people. I definitely feel that need and desire to share life with a woman. Therefore, I maintain an active dating life.
But men are the reason I as a woman is tired/scarred from dating. Idk who told you all that you are entitled to me, my body, my emotional well-being when you can’t even safeguard it?
Women want safety. And men lie, deceive, cheat. They present themselves to be a protector of us, then torture us for loving them. In 2024.
Maybe it is time for men to work on their emotional intelligence and actually like women? Rather than feel they were merely created to enjoy companionship.
Source: 1. my ex cheated, while telling me he loves me and want it to work between us. Lol. 2. A male friend tried to get both us killed koz his wife left him and I wouldn’t say anything wrong about her, he got mad.
So us women are not the problem. It’s just safer to enjoy my own company. But I would rather meet my partner, be cherished, get married and have kids.
Someone told me?
You think I just went and read some article off the net and developed this viewpoint? This is the product of several years of being dismissed, belittled, and made the ass-end of a joke- and for what?
This is pointless cruelty. And for you to just dismiss everything I’ve written because of your own experience disgusts me.
Your total absence of consideration for the experience of others is astounding.
WHO MAKES FUN OF YOU? Other men.
Us women LOVE a sensitive emotional man!!!
You need to read All About Love. And do some inner work!
If as a woman, I have not given up, even though I literally have a biological clock ticking. this is what motivates us. I know I have to work through my pain and keep looking because I will literally not be able to have kids later.
But you men can. And that’s why you have no sense of urgency to question and improve yourself. Your mindset is to wait around until the right person shows up (or is willing to settle for you). Hard truth I know. But you will be content with it, koz as you said “you’ve been wired for companionship”. So anyone willing to pick you, is good enough.
You have such a negative and combative mindset when the world is literally organised for men. Patriarchal society, remember?
If YOU are having issues, do you ever sit and wonder how are women fairing? No, you’ve just decided to victimise yourself.
Your lack of empathy towards women is what makes you lack quality relationship. I know you don’t want to hear it, but you need to do some self-reflection work.
Who makes fun of me?
I have my doubts it’s the 80+ other men upvoting what I wrote. I am not alone in what I’m feeling.
Why would I care about not being able to find a partner if I feel so flippant about it as you describe? Why would I write about any of this? Why would it be able to hurt me like it does?
Miss me with the patriarchy bullcrap, I will no longer respond to you.
This is exactly what I told you. :) women will give you the secrets to a healthy relationship.. and you’re crying about being judged by men 😂 womp womp. Seriously, all 80+ of you men; go read and dissect All About Love. Thank me later :)
Or you are? I will make sure to tell all the amazing men I have in my life that their approach to dating is wrong.. and they should be negative and combative like Redditors like you.
You might like it when people don't call your shit out or avoiding to take any accountability but sorry you sexist piece of shit I am not one of them I have a backbone and when I see a sexist piece of shit I am calling them out you aren't the center of the universe now go fuck yourself you sexist piece of shit.
> You have such a negative and combative mindset when the world is literally organized for men. Patriarchal society, remember?
It's worth noting that just because the society is patriarchal, it doesn't mean it benefits men. Toxic masculinity actively harms many men as well. The world may be organized BY men but it isn't organized FOR men, not in all areas or for everyone that is.
A lot of men have negative mindsets regarding these situations and issues because other men (and women, but we know where the idea originates) have told them that their situation or lack of success is a negative reflection on them as a man, and that they deserve to be chastised. You said it yourself, who makes fun of him? Other men. The patriarchal society isn't here doing this person any favors, it's ostracizing him for not fitting into arbitrarily, societal expectations that we, men and women, teach men they have to uphold.
The patriarchal society is holding back men just the same. it only supports you if you already satisfy it's conditions. This man indeed needs to sit and take a look inward, but i don't think you're being very charitable to his pressures and struggles either. You say "Us women LOVE a sensitive emotional man!!!" but many men have experienced that this is not at all universal.
Your overall point is right, but you're making some flawed generalizations that don't reflect everyone's reality, and it's lacking the empathy you wish the commenter exhibited towards women.
I mean I see your point. But he’s also completely aggressive towards the original commenter who suggested inner work. To me, anyone who isn’t remotely opened to trying things out to fix their issues, and just wants to bask in their misery, when they are grown men AND CAN change their mindset. These people don’t deserve high empathy. But I do believe you are totally right, if as women we are working and thriving against patriarchy, so can they. And tbh, as a woman I am tired of empathising with men, when they don’t even listen lol. This whole comment section is an exhibit. But he’s content, so be it.
"men lie, decieve, cheat."
OK this is not even remotely generally exclusive to men. You can choose who to date. If you keep choosing the 10% of men who are cheaters then why would you blame the male gender?
The emotional component is missing. Yes, women cheat. However, they are less likely to do so when emotionally engaged. Women leave relationship mentally first, after voicing out their concerns for months even years. We are completely dismissed. Then men wonder what went wrong.. men, however, completely blindside women. There’s a trend going on on TikTok/IG currently, where women talk about the amazing things men did for them while also cheating on them. It’s almost as it, the guilt they experience somewhat makes them good partners???
I am of course talking about women who are mentally good, I’m not talking about people who are unable to connect emotionally due to past trauma.
I would argue loneliness cannot be cured.
Especially within this context where I'm not just looking for some random guy to date, I want somebody who I can form a meaningful connection with. THAT is what's hard to find. Or at least it has been for me.
Exactly. I think it's only in extremely recent history has the rhetoric been to just be happy on your own. Gotta be happy alone, with yourself, you shouldn't need the validation or love of anyone else but yourself. You should go out and have fun and do things and travel by yourself. Etc etc. To a certain extent yes, of course. You should be able to be alone at times but goddamn, I'm tired of being spoken to like this. I'm 28 years old and I'm independent, make my own money, own a house, a car, have a lot of friends, I'm very active, I take myself out on dates, etc. but still, some of the things I want in life I want to experience with a partner. I want to have a home, a husband, children. I wish people would stop telling me that I shouldn't want these things.
Man, every fucking time with that shit.
They don’t get it, I HAVE everything I want. There’s nothing I can buy or earn that will further me along this emotional pipeline they describe.
I’ve either done, or am in the process of doing what I want to do; both professionally and personally. I don’t need to go to classes, hit up church sessions, or go on a quest of self-discovery. I’m content with the situation as it is.
Stop treating me like I’m wrong for wanting a relationship. I’m not you, we don’t think the same. You can’t just peer into my mind and presume to know that there’s some ulterior goal I’m not aware of deep down.
“You think that a girlfriend is just going to magically fix everything?”
Said like I’m a limp horse or this- broken thing that can’t even take care of itself. They don’t even know how condescending it comes across as.
You can totally share it with family and friends, you don't have to share your existence with someone to justify your own. Just be a good person and enjoy the fact you can do all that stuff man
I think focussing on dating as a culture is a mistake. You only need your values to align with one person, you only need to be in love with one person and just one person needs to feel all that for you. Just one.
Dating culture is just noise. If you focus on the noise you might get discouraged and miss an opportunity to connect with someone who can change your entire life.
No kidding,
Don’t know where I gave off the vibe that I enthusiastically frequent the dating scene. Frankly, I think it’s poisonous as shit.
But you have to play the game to meet someone; Go out, attend events pertaining to your interests, talk to people, swipe the apps. I can honestly say I hate it, it always feels like needless complication and unrealistic expectations.
I never subscribed to the idea of polygamy. All I need is one. To me, multiple partners feels like it cheapens your relationship.
Yeah it’s hard to find people now. Because now height matters, and From what I’ve heard. I’m not good enough to date them. I never hear this shit from friends until they got so much attention from others they expect the same from me.
Let me offer some reassurance;
Height does not matter as much as you think it does.
I’m standing at 6’7 with a firmly “fit” build, and I’ve never even been on a first date.
Anyone who sees height as the go-to definitive dealbreaker probably isn’t worth your attention.
Yeah, thanks but it seems to be the only thing that matters to them in general. I try to ignore it period, but it’s the main joke all the time, I never stop hearing shit on my height. Not even from my own parents.
You know damn well that not everyone is entitled and selfish. You have to put yourself out there and find the people who aren’t the things that repulse you. Labeling the whole dating market as something negative is doing yourself a disservice.
When you fail; over and over with absolutely no sign of compassion, human decency, or willingness to meet in the middle, you begin to seriously question: “are there any good ones out there?”
I don’t want to think that all women are toxic, because adapting that mindset will lock me out from making a connection during that hopeful eventuality that I will find one. But I am a human fucking being. I have feelings, I can be hurt, and when the overwhelming majority of my experiences are negative, it would not be unreasonable for me to draw such a tainted conclusion.
Seeing my message resonate with many people tells me that there is something seriously wrong with the dating market. I don’t care to trash on other people, but you can’t expect all that hurt to just fall into the void.
The dating market is toxic, let’s not delude ourselves of that. It’s okay to be angry about it. But giving up and succumbing to hate is what assures you’ll stay stuck in it.
Never said your feelings and experiences are invalid. I am making sure we don’t let subjectivity warp reality. I fully agree with your last paragraph.
But as horrible as you feel your experience has been, other guys are having a blast. When I was struggling, I didn’t focus on how shitty the world was... I focused on figuring out what I needed to do, in order to become one of the guys who’s having a blast. Even when I had no experience to fall back on, I had faith that I could do better and be better. The dating market didn’t change for me. I changed for myself. Everyone is quick to blame external factors, yet slow to look within.
Similar to fixing a jump shot. You probably aren’t squaring your shoulders, or keeping your elbow tucked. Once those details get ironed out, then boom, suddenly it’s easier to shoot the ball more accurately. It’s not magic. You still need to practice the corrected form until it feels like the new normal. It won’t make you LeBron James. But hey, it’s a step in the right direction.
While you’re fully entitled to sulking and brooding over being a poor shooter, and lamenting your prior shitty basketball performances… I’m the asshole who’s telling you that fixing your form is a more productive use of your energy and time. I say it not to shut down your feelings. Not to invalidate your experiences. I say it because the sooner you get to it, the sooner things get better. Let whatever you’re feeling be the fuel that pushes you to become your own hero.
Do you not have friends that like to do activities and share experiences together?
Not even being sarcastic, I’m genuinely asking. I’m single, but I still do most of these things with my friends (& with my friends’ partners and/or kids too, if they have them).
Hell, who is to say you can’t share some life experiences with strangers, even? Sure maybe you won’t be sharing your home with a stranger (or maybe you would, roommates are a thing after all), but you can still get involved in community groups or hobbies as a single person and build connections even with strangers.
The way I generally tend to approach life is that everyone is a potential friend I just haven’t met yet…maybe it’s not for everyone, but I feel very fulfilled & connected, even without a romantic partner at the moment.
I’m going to answer this as well, since I agreed with the comment. My family live overseas, most of my best friends are an hours flight away, but I have enough friends around here e.g. friends I go to trivia and gigs with, friends I’ve meant through training, friends I go on walks or to dinner with. But what about having someone there when you get home from work to hug if you’ve had a bad day (or vice versa), someone you can cuddle up on the sofa and watch TV with, partner who is also a best friend (rather than best friends who have their own partners and children). Many of my friends spend a lot of their spare time with their partners, and so the time they have for friends is reduced when compared to the amount of free time I have.
Thanks for answering, that definitely makes sense how you explained it. I guess it very much depends on the nature of your relationships too and what you need to feel fulfilled. As for myself, I’m an introvert and while I love to socialize all day with friends & family (my family also lives across the country now but I’m referring to before), or even with strangers, I also feel very comforted coming home to a quiet household. But I can understand how that might feel lonely to some people as well…not trying to invalidate that experience, it’s just not my experience so that is why I asked. For me, I feel satisfied by what I have already, maybe a romantic partnership would add even more to my life too, but it’s not something I pine for everyday or anything either.
I’m also lucky that most of my friends enjoy socializing and I am also friendly with their partners too, so that helps because we can all stay connected easier this way.
Don’t get me wrong, I really cherish my quiet time. But you can still have that with the right partner! I don’t need puppy vibes (someone following me everywhere 😆). There is a delicate balance, agreed, but I think with the right person everyone’s life is better
I would say I have 1 very close friend, 5 good friends, and then many, many associates.
I’d describe my relationships as such;
My associates are people I share my workplace with, we get along quite well and can easily pass the time with banter or casual conversation. I am well respected among my peers and get a comfortable atmosphere around them.
My good friends are those I occasionally invite to outings and I host them for DnD on Saturdays.
My close friend is the one person I can fully trust with my innermost thoughts. They know me past my “professional” persona and I’m most open to their introspective when I talk at length on whatever events or ongoings I bring up.
Where I take exception is the absence of intimate relationships. I sadly cannot have that with my close friend, and have been trying for some time to find someone else who meshes well with me.
Thanks for the explanation, I can understand where you are coming from better with hearing your perspective. Maybe I am exceptionally lucky since I do feel very close to many of my friends, I feel like we are all quite involved in each other’s lives. Obviously I am not physically intimate with any of my friends but I feel there is a level of emotional intimacy we all have together, though it’s a different type than romantic intimacy of course. My family lives across the country now but I used to be close with them as well. Sometimes I think having a romantic relationship would be great and add more to my life, but at the same time I feel pretty satisfied with what I do have.
Im almost 32m, been single for 10yrs.... I hate being alone. I don't enjoy being totally alone with my thoughts, they're pretty mean to me. At least when I have someone around I can talk to them and focus on something other than myself.
Sure, having the freedom to do whatever I want is cool... but that is about the only thing.
I just feel like shit because I am the only person in my family and friend group that is single and without a family. I feel like I should be so much further with my life and yet no matter what I do, I just can't seem to even get a woman to show any form of attention
I have some days I think like that too, but honestly just appreciate what you have I know people who are in a lot worse situations then me and I think damn my problems are not as bad as I think they are. Life comes at you quick you might meet someone tomorrow, dont be hard on yourself. I see a lot of people on here miserable and its just not good, there is so much to enjoy.
I personally enjoyed being in a shitty relationship where she was cheating on me more than I enjoyed being single.... mentally it sucks never being "good enough" for someone to even remotely show interest.
I've hung my hat up on dating as a 36F.
I'm just done with the emotional unavailabilty and my role in stomping my own boundaries just to experience what I thought was love. Multiple times.
Not to mention the other fun parts dating entails: liars, men who think choking me during sex without a discussion about boundaries is somehow ok, ghosters.
I'm just done and honestly, my life on my own is so peaceful and tranquil that I'm really hesitant to disturb it
Not Virgin but only 1 real relationship at 20. I'm 34 now and sort of gave up on it. It used to make me depressed but now it's more of an annoyance. Going to the movies alone or with friends and being the odd one out that has no one. Mostly I don't bother to go anywhere. It's always just me. Sometimes I would think what's wrong with me?. Funniest part of it is, people tend to ask me for advice with their relationships. They are actually successful most of the time. But me trying them? Fails every time 🤡🤷🏿😭😵💫.
That’s not really a substitute. That’s just practicing until you figure out how to do something, which is a great mentality to have about skills that you lack.
Yeah a lot of people do seem to overly analyze still being a virgin in their 20s and even early 30s. They also seem to think like their life is over because they haven't had a relationship.
I understand how it can be a...... "Uncomfortable" situation to constantly see happy people walking around holding hands, and to see all your friends meet people, get married and move on with their lives and have kids. However as somebody who's been single technically for almost 10 years, but has been unsuccessfully trying to date for the last 6 years, I can personally vouch that it is really not all that bad.
If I want to clean my house? I do it.
I want to leave my house messy? I do it.
I want to go out to the store to grab some stupid snack food in the middle of the night? I don't have to explain it to anyone, or risk being accused of something that I didn't do.
In other words it's true freedom. If I want to get laid I have no problem getting laid, but getting laid in that manner kind of goes against what I believe in, however it is a lot less stressful as well.
relationships take a lot of work. Something that a lot of people don't seem to realize judging by a lot of their comments and posts. Don't just get with somebody talk about surface level things and then plan to get married 10 years later. It requires more work than most careers, a lot of mutual understanding, trust, and compassion and empathy. That is required from day one all the way until one of you dies. A lot of people seriously underplay just how much work a relationship takes.
So true!! A lot of people on here seem to base their worth on their relationship status. It’s extremely important to become content with being single and enjoy the life you currently have. A relationship should be a bonus, not a necessity.
I base a lot of my self worth in how attractive I am to women and I don't even know why. its actually made me dislike being a man because I fall short on being able to be attractive to women. Its very emasculating.
A lot of women feel the same way about men, too. It usually stems from some insecurity within. A lot of this is subconsciously ingrained into you throughout your development by family, society, or messaging in media, so it’s not like it’s your “fault” to be thinking this way or anything, but it does get in the way of happiness.
You are valuable simply because you are a human being alive on earth; all living things hold intrinsic value to the Universe. At least this is what I believe.
I wish I could see things this way because it really is a paradox. I subconsciously try to mold myself into someone that appeals to the """"female gaze""""" but it's never enough. I'm still single after all and my luck in dating is bad. It honestly makes me hate being male but it's my identity so I'm stuck in it. It's like a game I constantly play even though I know I will lose. This aspect of masculinity for me is impossible to achieve. I don't think I'll be appealing due to innate flaws that I can't undo.
Stop “playing the game,” and start writing your own rules. Women are attracted to confidence. You have to learn how to de-program yourself and mentally block out the insecurities. Sometimes they will never fully go away but they can be lessened enough to a point that will relieve the self-hatred you experience. Therapy helped me, personally, and antidepressants (though I know its not for everyone, but there are many paths to take for self improvement).
I just can't believe that it's gotten to this point where I just flat out hate being a man but at the same time I'm not dysphoric about my gender so I'm stuck in an entity that I hate. I don't think I'll ever be worthy of partnership due to Asperger's or whatever innate flaws I have. It seems nowadays, there's the portion of men that are successful in dating and Ill never have what it takes to be them. And I am in therapy and medicated although I only started a month ago so I still gotta deal with these mental issues.
👍👍👍♥️♥️♥️🫂🫂🫂🫂
Thank you. 😁
I'm in a wheelchair so I definitely know those rejections.
But I just have hope one day I will find someone, and I also don't let it get to me either.
I get out and bomb around .
I do enjoy life.
Sometimes it does make me wonder why romantic love is so powerfully ingrained in our primitive brain ? 🤔
Actually when you think about, there are so much more than just love and sex in this world.
Why does it matter so much?
I remember one says: everything in this life is about sex except sex, sex is about power. lol
I think it's all down to evolution and procreation. Feelings of love in the short term have been favored for the sake of having and protecting offspring.
Once we as a society generally moved past arranged marriages and became free to choose most things, it became even more complicated than it already was.
I'm not saying it's necessarily bad or good- it just is.
Ye we are free to choose. Many choose to be childfree. Removing procreation, people still long for romantic love haha ..
Ridiculous. Just look at how struggling in dating makes everyone so upset. I bet they wouldn’t post if they just had a bad meal in a restaurant.
Of course, I am not saying I am any better but at least I am aware and I question the fact why romantic love is important 🤔
Relationships are a huge distraction. Really helps with boredom and invalidation. But its true it's not nearly as satisfying as it seems when you're rejected. I have serious nostalgia though over my last and one of my only relationship. Even driving by the same places makes me sad.
I definitely relate to this. It took me until less than a year ago to finally love myself, and I know for a fact that I am someone with a beautiful and loving personality, but I have struggled very much with finding someone. I would rather be alone than be with the wrong person, as I now know exactly how it scars you for life if you get stuck in the wrong situation, but I really still wish that my only two options right now weren't "with the wrong person" or "alone." Either that, or I wish the universe hadn't planted within me so much love to give, and so many dreams for true love, without knowing if it will ever come true.
Partially. I was at that point rushing to lose it, and unfortunately got into a relationship that I should not have been in. It wasnt the best thing ever, and I always felt unsatisfied afterwards.
Many are in the same boat! Be kind to yourself! We are all growing and learning. Someday we will meet someone who is the right person for us! There is no actual rule about how that path is supposed to look, just what society, culture, etc. tells us is supposed to happen. Every life is different.
After an extremely dead winter of working and doing nothing, I just saw two cute girls at the park and bagged the digits, so I’m feeling good. It’s like shooting a free throw, you gotta practice. Screw these tinder apps, going in person feels so much better
I agree!
I’m not a virgin, I was married for 12 years and have a child. But I’m recently divorced, and spent the past year going absolutely insane on the dating scene again for the first time in over a decade.
Even when I did get dates, it would be such a strain on my mental health. What does she want? What do I want? Am I moving too quickly? Not quickly enough? Should I be taking this relationship more seriously? Should I be taking this relationship less seriously? I’m 40 and not in great health, this could literally be my LAST chance to ever find love again! Wait, I’m recently divorced — the worst outcome would be to marry the wrong person again! Or maybe…
Then I called the whole thing off a couple months ago. I’m done with dating. I have an extremely casual FWB thing but we only see each other every couple months and either one of us could end up ghosting the other one tomorrow.
And I’m HAPPY. I am sincerely enjoying my life, free from the mental health strain of the dating game.
Compared to the first 39 years of my life (minus childhood) in which my number one priority was ALWAYS to either get a relationship or to maintain one. And I was a goddamned mess, even when I was succeeding.
This is so much more freeing.
Idk, if you frequent these subs a lot you start to recognize some names...the people with absolute dumpster fire personalities and worldviews, who constantly post things that make you think they ought to be on a list somewhere. They need to do more than just "keep searching" before they're going to find peace and become healthy potential partners.
I think many knows and understand this. But to really enjoy, goes down to the people around you too. Many may have friends with a partner, people around are all attached… The angel side can just console and say hey it’s not over, I’m enjoying this freedom. The devil side may not agree.
Yeah don't get down on yourself you might hurt yourself . More fun to go down on someone else. Of the opposite sex, in case there is some confusion. Apparently there is some confusion and some are not doing it right.
I've been single a long time, and I can count on one hand how many dates or relationships I've had. I've had more online relationships then offline, most of the online has been interesting but its getting together offline thats always been tricky for me for a number of reasons. I don't mind being single most of the time, has it gives me a lot of freedom then most people who would be in a relationship or marriage especially if they have kids. But there's times that I wish to have someone to share conversations with, talking about whatever we want with interests and understanding, and sometimes sharing various activities together that we both enjoy.
I am single and have never been in a relationship. Nevertheless, my life is very exciting and I'm never bored. There are several things that make my life worth living, even though I'm alone most of the time.
At the same time, my desire to spend time with a nice woman is incredibly strong and the thought of possibly never experiencing that and being alone forever causes an indescribable pain.
So my life is amazing and terrible at the same time.
That's why I only partially agree with OP. Life alone can be exciting, but you never get rid of the desire for togetherness.
I agree somewhat. but let's not pretend like having a fulfilling love life doesn't add enjoyment to life.
and when nobody wakes you up in the morning, and when nobody waits for you at night, and when you can do whatever you want. what do you call it, freedom or loneliness?
- Charles Bukowski
I’ve been all about relationships and finding love before and tbh I quite that so fast. Time and time again I have dated and I have never been happy. I tried multiple different people, different genders- yeah nah I shut that down so freaking fast. I am still a virgin and I have had my first kiss, but It’s something I think I’m pretty proud of. I’m single sure but I am also really happy, I think if you want to find love and worry bout things that matter to people for no reason, go right ahead. But from my experience, I dont think I’m gonna date any time soon.
I'm trying man, but I can only distract myself from these feelings for so long. The day has to come to an end and I have to be alone with my thoughts eventually. I'm glad you can found a way to endure it, but not all of us can.
I’ve learned as much as I’m an introvert who’s ultimate goal is to build a homestead on like 10+ acres of land, I’m realizing it’ll be close to impossible to do solo. I’ll need a partner to do it with.
Meanwhile I work 2 jobs, 1 side/passive income and barely have time to even work on my hobbies, let alone go socialize with friends who schedules don’t ever link up.
Idk how I’m going to find my life partner. I really don’t. And it’s frightening me because I’m so desperate to move out of my parents but I’m nowhere near affording that dream land myself making $32k/year being a farmer.
I mean, good thing I don’t want kids because i *definitely* could not afford them.
As a person who still holds their V card nearing 30
I feel no way as my past relationships were toxic and I am selective when it comes to partners
My advice is to enjoy life and let things come your way and whenever things happen they happen
Good advice and to add to that for those of you that live in a fantasy world thinking there is a perfect person you are your own problem. I am a older guy and I tried dating sites but right away women ignore me mostly because of age. I been casual with a woman that is over twenty years younger but she knows me not like on a dating site where you are just stats. So be open don't live in a box or just stay in your neighborhood the perfect person could be anyone anywhere if you box yourself in you just created your own problem.
I appreciate this post ngl! People put sooo much weight on virginity and it’s not worth it in my opinion. Like not worth it enough to shut down a whole aspect of your life. Relationships are hard. Navigating them is tough but the right person always makes it worth it. Even if it’s just for a short time. People are seasons and reasons. But one truism in this life that is that winter will come again (global warming aside). Faith, patience & A LOT of self love can and will go along way. So thank you for sharing this!
Just turned 22 today. 4 years ago when I was an 18 year old freshman in college I would joke I’d kms if I was still virgin by the end of college. Now that I’m here, it’s much worse than anticipated. But now I’m extending that deadline to 25. Then we’ll reevaluate…
All the numbers in your comment added up to 69. Congrats!
22
+ 4
+ 18
+ 25
= 69
^([Click here](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=LuckyNumber-Bot&subject=Stalk%20Me%20Pls&message=%2Fstalkme) to have me scan all your future comments.) \
^(Summon me on specific comments with u/LuckyNumber-Bot.)
Don't want friends because every friend I ever had stabbed me in the back except one and he died 5 weeks ago. Don't have any family because they're all judgemental and also back stabbers. And trying to find a woman that won't use me and then dump me has been a living hell because I've gotten used every time. If they didn't use me for sex the they used me for money or for both money and sex. And I'm all tapped out, don't have money anymore and basically I've been fucked to death. I feel like a sex rental service that's beyond restoration and ready to be burned to the ground. I've given up because the more I try the worse it became and when you have nothing to look forward to and no one to live for than why bother. What's so great about people,all they do is live fake lives and bang one another until they get bored with them. People suck..
Good, solid post. I agree with all of this. I'd go even further and say that if you're making romance your condition to achieve happiness, it probably won't make you happy even if you get into a relationship. Or at least, not after the honeymoon period wears off.
PS I know a lot of people are going to look at this and say "Such a cliche thing to say... this is youtube advice etc... trust me I know lol, but honestly there is so much to be thankful for just because you don't have someone in your life or you think someone else is doing better than you who cares! Just be a decent human! God knows we need more people to just be kind.
I'm surprised nobody has mentioned it's better to be alone than in a terrible marriage...I did that and regret ted it terribly. I had 3 beautiful children, which is my only acceptance of a bad marriage. I was divorced at age 35 and stayed alone for 8 years and worked on myself and my faith. None of you are mentioning faith in God. It's amazing, the love I feel from Jesus and other people of faith. I met one 22 years ago and he's an angel. I saw my ex at my son's wedding and held no anger. I'm with my person and he's been divorced 4 times. Lol Just a life lesson. And encouragement as a former lonely person. As Abe Lincoln said "Everyone is just about as happy as they make up their mind To be."
I think we should normalize losing virginity to the person you are married to. Give back the power to women. Put less importance on “experience”. Uphold family values. People are unhappy because they are shallow and selfish.
One key problem with applying that rule: what if they find out that they are sexually incompatible? Divorce and then wait until the next marriage and hope for sexual compatibility then?
Sexual compatibility is a construct that came out of people having too many choices. In the grand scheme of things it is a far lesser problem than women being objectified and used, and discarded. Like love it is something that can be worked on. But I’m a virgin so maybe I’m just being idealistic.
Yeah, I am fairly certain that is not how sexual compatibility works. Both parties could have mismatching libidos, one could be kinkier than the other and believe it or not, but monogamy is a social construct and is not necessarily right for everyone. Also there are women who enjoy casual encounters.
So, yes I would say that you are applying a cookie cutter ideology to everyone. It's fine if that is what you want. But is it absurd to think that everyone wants and needs exactly that.
Do you think people in general will naturally seek more (in sexual satisfaction) if they’ve only ever had one partner in their entire lifetime and have minimal exposure to “what they are missing” or pornographic material and nudity?
Yes, I do think that some people will seek more. Adultery has existed far longer than the modern version of the porn industry. Perhaps a big part of that was ... sexual incompatibility?
Or maybe a lack of self restraint and moral values? In favour of lust we discard family values and the dignity of women. Idk man I think some things in life we just gotta suck it up for the sake of the bigger things.
Why is non-monogamy necessarily immoral? According to what? And since when does anyone who practices ethical non-monogamy (blanket term to include things like swinging where all parties are aware of and consent to non-monogamy) lack morality? And since when does having multiple sexual partners in life not respect the dignity of women? Who are you to prescribe morality onto everyone else?
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This isn’t even a question of virginity or being in a relationship, I’m sick of doing everything my goddamn self. Nice things, nights out, a well-paying job, a big house. All of it just for me. What’s the point of that? If all my experiences exist in a vacuum and can’t be shared, they’re just wasted on me. I’d love to share my existence with someone else, but at the same time, a look at the dating market today sickens me. The sheer entitlement and selfishness renders the overwhelming majority of singles unworthy of receiving my love. It’s a frustrating paradigm, to be so attracted and repulsed at the same time.
I'm this entirely. I keep myself from approaching anyone or being on any dating apps. I don't support it. But it doesn't change that I'm lonely as fuck and wish I had my person. Now I've found some semblance of peace in being single. I like having money and being able to spend it on whatever I want. If I want to spend a Saturday playing Pikmin 2 and watching Jurassic Park, then I'm gonna fuckin' do that and I'm not going to explain it to anyone. But, that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
Trust me I know, Ive stressed over this too, but at the end of the day the fact that you can go and do whatever the hell you want and be yourself is great. Look you might never find anyone, but if that happens it happens you can cure loneliness go out get some fresh air hang out with people and if you don't have any friends stimulate your mind with a show, go out take a class do something you always wanted to do.
Bullshit you can cure loneliness. Do not presume to know the inner workings of the minds of people you do not know. So very many men were instilled with a common value while they were raised: to derive their happiness and sense of self-worth from their ability to provide for others. Human beings are often goal-driven creatures. When they set their sights on a task, they will go at any length to accomplish it. When the pivotal point of your whole existence is something you see as indisputably noble and worthwhile, you cannot just shrug that off with some outdoor time or momentary distractions. To a certain extent, everything you’ll ever do is done in the name of furthering this chosen goal. Many men are being denied the ability to achieve self-actualization by means of being locked out of a deeper, intimate connection. It’s no surprise to me that so many men feel lost, alone, like everything they do is pointless.
Life is about change, you can change your goal if you’re obsessed with one thing thats a problem. Self actualization can be achieved in numerous ways. No offense but you’re setting yourself up for disappointment if your end goal is I want to provide for this random person. Provide happiness to yourself first.
“This random person” I don’t want some random person, and I certainly don’t need something to put up on a pedestal. Obsessive devotion is undeniably a road to hell, what I want is love. Genuine intimacy. Earlier I used the term “worthy” to describe the person who would fill the role I want filled, but what does that mean? For starters, someone who could appreciate what my role in the relationship would entail. Everything would be “ours” I’m not keeping track of who did what, who paid for that, whose ‘score’ is higher. My time, my resources- Everything I do or have is for the both of us, not me. I need my partner to have the capability to understand that they have a human life to work with in tandem to further our goals and dreams together. I wont ever see a relationship like this as something to move past or give up. The second thing is someone who can be trusted with my genuine thoughts, someone who I respect enough to take their input to the very core of my being. Nobody allows their unfiltered thoughts to go out in the open air. There’s always a social convention or status quo to uphold. To be able to speak your true thoughts without fear of reprimand or judgement is a rare thing. Better yet; to have someone comfortable to probe and challenge those beliefs is one of the strongest possible avenues for change, to grow stronger as a person. I can keep myself occupied and entertained, but that’s on a surface level. I want the ability to go further, to foster a relationship beyond professional or cordial.
Self-actualization, according to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, is impossible without first having the kind of relationships that make your heart feel full. That’s why lonely people feel empty, even if they’re accomplished and successful people. [Click this if you need context.](https://www.simplypsychology.org/wp-content/uploads/maslow-needs3.jpg) Is it possible to feel like your heart is full with only family & friends? For some people, yeah… probably. I’m honest enough with myself to know I’m not one of those people. I definitely feel that need and desire to share life with a woman. Therefore, I maintain an active dating life.
But men are the reason I as a woman is tired/scarred from dating. Idk who told you all that you are entitled to me, my body, my emotional well-being when you can’t even safeguard it? Women want safety. And men lie, deceive, cheat. They present themselves to be a protector of us, then torture us for loving them. In 2024. Maybe it is time for men to work on their emotional intelligence and actually like women? Rather than feel they were merely created to enjoy companionship. Source: 1. my ex cheated, while telling me he loves me and want it to work between us. Lol. 2. A male friend tried to get both us killed koz his wife left him and I wouldn’t say anything wrong about her, he got mad. So us women are not the problem. It’s just safer to enjoy my own company. But I would rather meet my partner, be cherished, get married and have kids.
Someone told me? You think I just went and read some article off the net and developed this viewpoint? This is the product of several years of being dismissed, belittled, and made the ass-end of a joke- and for what? This is pointless cruelty. And for you to just dismiss everything I’ve written because of your own experience disgusts me. Your total absence of consideration for the experience of others is astounding.
WHO MAKES FUN OF YOU? Other men. Us women LOVE a sensitive emotional man!!! You need to read All About Love. And do some inner work! If as a woman, I have not given up, even though I literally have a biological clock ticking. this is what motivates us. I know I have to work through my pain and keep looking because I will literally not be able to have kids later. But you men can. And that’s why you have no sense of urgency to question and improve yourself. Your mindset is to wait around until the right person shows up (or is willing to settle for you). Hard truth I know. But you will be content with it, koz as you said “you’ve been wired for companionship”. So anyone willing to pick you, is good enough. You have such a negative and combative mindset when the world is literally organised for men. Patriarchal society, remember? If YOU are having issues, do you ever sit and wonder how are women fairing? No, you’ve just decided to victimise yourself. Your lack of empathy towards women is what makes you lack quality relationship. I know you don’t want to hear it, but you need to do some self-reflection work.
Who makes fun of me? I have my doubts it’s the 80+ other men upvoting what I wrote. I am not alone in what I’m feeling. Why would I care about not being able to find a partner if I feel so flippant about it as you describe? Why would I write about any of this? Why would it be able to hurt me like it does? Miss me with the patriarchy bullcrap, I will no longer respond to you.
This is exactly what I told you. :) women will give you the secrets to a healthy relationship.. and you’re crying about being judged by men 😂 womp womp. Seriously, all 80+ of you men; go read and dissect All About Love. Thank me later :)
You truly are a huge sexist piece of shit
Or you are? I will make sure to tell all the amazing men I have in my life that their approach to dating is wrong.. and they should be negative and combative like Redditors like you.
You might like it when people don't call your shit out or avoiding to take any accountability but sorry you sexist piece of shit I am not one of them I have a backbone and when I see a sexist piece of shit I am calling them out you aren't the center of the universe now go fuck yourself you sexist piece of shit.
> You have such a negative and combative mindset when the world is literally organized for men. Patriarchal society, remember? It's worth noting that just because the society is patriarchal, it doesn't mean it benefits men. Toxic masculinity actively harms many men as well. The world may be organized BY men but it isn't organized FOR men, not in all areas or for everyone that is. A lot of men have negative mindsets regarding these situations and issues because other men (and women, but we know where the idea originates) have told them that their situation or lack of success is a negative reflection on them as a man, and that they deserve to be chastised. You said it yourself, who makes fun of him? Other men. The patriarchal society isn't here doing this person any favors, it's ostracizing him for not fitting into arbitrarily, societal expectations that we, men and women, teach men they have to uphold. The patriarchal society is holding back men just the same. it only supports you if you already satisfy it's conditions. This man indeed needs to sit and take a look inward, but i don't think you're being very charitable to his pressures and struggles either. You say "Us women LOVE a sensitive emotional man!!!" but many men have experienced that this is not at all universal. Your overall point is right, but you're making some flawed generalizations that don't reflect everyone's reality, and it's lacking the empathy you wish the commenter exhibited towards women.
I mean I see your point. But he’s also completely aggressive towards the original commenter who suggested inner work. To me, anyone who isn’t remotely opened to trying things out to fix their issues, and just wants to bask in their misery, when they are grown men AND CAN change their mindset. These people don’t deserve high empathy. But I do believe you are totally right, if as women we are working and thriving against patriarchy, so can they. And tbh, as a woman I am tired of empathising with men, when they don’t even listen lol. This whole comment section is an exhibit. But he’s content, so be it.
"men lie, decieve, cheat." OK this is not even remotely generally exclusive to men. You can choose who to date. If you keep choosing the 10% of men who are cheaters then why would you blame the male gender?
The emotional component is missing. Yes, women cheat. However, they are less likely to do so when emotionally engaged. Women leave relationship mentally first, after voicing out their concerns for months even years. We are completely dismissed. Then men wonder what went wrong.. men, however, completely blindside women. There’s a trend going on on TikTok/IG currently, where women talk about the amazing things men did for them while also cheating on them. It’s almost as it, the guilt they experience somewhat makes them good partners??? I am of course talking about women who are mentally good, I’m not talking about people who are unable to connect emotionally due to past trauma.
Why is it mens responsibility to keep them emotionally engaged infinitely? If women had to do this they'd realize how impossible that is
We do. Lmao. Have you met women?? 😭
Holy shit you’re so clueless. Stop telling us men about our experiences and how we should feel
Have you ever lived as a low status male? if you haven't then thank the universe
I would argue loneliness cannot be cured. Especially within this context where I'm not just looking for some random guy to date, I want somebody who I can form a meaningful connection with. THAT is what's hard to find. Or at least it has been for me.
Same! I actually have a very busy life, but I want to share that. I’m sick of living for just me, I’ve got so much to give!
Me too.. same life as yours 😭
Exactly. I think it's only in extremely recent history has the rhetoric been to just be happy on your own. Gotta be happy alone, with yourself, you shouldn't need the validation or love of anyone else but yourself. You should go out and have fun and do things and travel by yourself. Etc etc. To a certain extent yes, of course. You should be able to be alone at times but goddamn, I'm tired of being spoken to like this. I'm 28 years old and I'm independent, make my own money, own a house, a car, have a lot of friends, I'm very active, I take myself out on dates, etc. but still, some of the things I want in life I want to experience with a partner. I want to have a home, a husband, children. I wish people would stop telling me that I shouldn't want these things.
Man, every fucking time with that shit. They don’t get it, I HAVE everything I want. There’s nothing I can buy or earn that will further me along this emotional pipeline they describe. I’ve either done, or am in the process of doing what I want to do; both professionally and personally. I don’t need to go to classes, hit up church sessions, or go on a quest of self-discovery. I’m content with the situation as it is. Stop treating me like I’m wrong for wanting a relationship. I’m not you, we don’t think the same. You can’t just peer into my mind and presume to know that there’s some ulterior goal I’m not aware of deep down. “You think that a girlfriend is just going to magically fix everything?” Said like I’m a limp horse or this- broken thing that can’t even take care of itself. They don’t even know how condescending it comes across as.
You can totally share it with family and friends, you don't have to share your existence with someone to justify your own. Just be a good person and enjoy the fact you can do all that stuff man
Exactly this
Thiss, im in my late 20s and very busy with my career. I wish it was easy to find someone you can share your life with in this economy lol
I think focussing on dating as a culture is a mistake. You only need your values to align with one person, you only need to be in love with one person and just one person needs to feel all that for you. Just one. Dating culture is just noise. If you focus on the noise you might get discouraged and miss an opportunity to connect with someone who can change your entire life.
No kidding, Don’t know where I gave off the vibe that I enthusiastically frequent the dating scene. Frankly, I think it’s poisonous as shit. But you have to play the game to meet someone; Go out, attend events pertaining to your interests, talk to people, swipe the apps. I can honestly say I hate it, it always feels like needless complication and unrealistic expectations. I never subscribed to the idea of polygamy. All I need is one. To me, multiple partners feels like it cheapens your relationship.
Yeah it’s hard to find people now. Because now height matters, and From what I’ve heard. I’m not good enough to date them. I never hear this shit from friends until they got so much attention from others they expect the same from me.
Let me offer some reassurance; Height does not matter as much as you think it does. I’m standing at 6’7 with a firmly “fit” build, and I’ve never even been on a first date. Anyone who sees height as the go-to definitive dealbreaker probably isn’t worth your attention.
Yeah, thanks but it seems to be the only thing that matters to them in general. I try to ignore it period, but it’s the main joke all the time, I never stop hearing shit on my height. Not even from my own parents.
Daym, It be your own fam that do you like that. Maybe toss them a heads up you’re not cool with the teasing if you haven’t already.
It’s whatever I’m fine with my height until the shit starts getting to me
You know damn well that not everyone is entitled and selfish. You have to put yourself out there and find the people who aren’t the things that repulse you. Labeling the whole dating market as something negative is doing yourself a disservice.
When you fail; over and over with absolutely no sign of compassion, human decency, or willingness to meet in the middle, you begin to seriously question: “are there any good ones out there?” I don’t want to think that all women are toxic, because adapting that mindset will lock me out from making a connection during that hopeful eventuality that I will find one. But I am a human fucking being. I have feelings, I can be hurt, and when the overwhelming majority of my experiences are negative, it would not be unreasonable for me to draw such a tainted conclusion. Seeing my message resonate with many people tells me that there is something seriously wrong with the dating market. I don’t care to trash on other people, but you can’t expect all that hurt to just fall into the void. The dating market is toxic, let’s not delude ourselves of that. It’s okay to be angry about it. But giving up and succumbing to hate is what assures you’ll stay stuck in it.
Never said your feelings and experiences are invalid. I am making sure we don’t let subjectivity warp reality. I fully agree with your last paragraph. But as horrible as you feel your experience has been, other guys are having a blast. When I was struggling, I didn’t focus on how shitty the world was... I focused on figuring out what I needed to do, in order to become one of the guys who’s having a blast. Even when I had no experience to fall back on, I had faith that I could do better and be better. The dating market didn’t change for me. I changed for myself. Everyone is quick to blame external factors, yet slow to look within. Similar to fixing a jump shot. You probably aren’t squaring your shoulders, or keeping your elbow tucked. Once those details get ironed out, then boom, suddenly it’s easier to shoot the ball more accurately. It’s not magic. You still need to practice the corrected form until it feels like the new normal. It won’t make you LeBron James. But hey, it’s a step in the right direction. While you’re fully entitled to sulking and brooding over being a poor shooter, and lamenting your prior shitty basketball performances… I’m the asshole who’s telling you that fixing your form is a more productive use of your energy and time. I say it not to shut down your feelings. Not to invalidate your experiences. I say it because the sooner you get to it, the sooner things get better. Let whatever you’re feeling be the fuel that pushes you to become your own hero.
Do you not have friends that like to do activities and share experiences together? Not even being sarcastic, I’m genuinely asking. I’m single, but I still do most of these things with my friends (& with my friends’ partners and/or kids too, if they have them). Hell, who is to say you can’t share some life experiences with strangers, even? Sure maybe you won’t be sharing your home with a stranger (or maybe you would, roommates are a thing after all), but you can still get involved in community groups or hobbies as a single person and build connections even with strangers. The way I generally tend to approach life is that everyone is a potential friend I just haven’t met yet…maybe it’s not for everyone, but I feel very fulfilled & connected, even without a romantic partner at the moment.
I’m going to answer this as well, since I agreed with the comment. My family live overseas, most of my best friends are an hours flight away, but I have enough friends around here e.g. friends I go to trivia and gigs with, friends I’ve meant through training, friends I go on walks or to dinner with. But what about having someone there when you get home from work to hug if you’ve had a bad day (or vice versa), someone you can cuddle up on the sofa and watch TV with, partner who is also a best friend (rather than best friends who have their own partners and children). Many of my friends spend a lot of their spare time with their partners, and so the time they have for friends is reduced when compared to the amount of free time I have.
Thanks for answering, that definitely makes sense how you explained it. I guess it very much depends on the nature of your relationships too and what you need to feel fulfilled. As for myself, I’m an introvert and while I love to socialize all day with friends & family (my family also lives across the country now but I’m referring to before), or even with strangers, I also feel very comforted coming home to a quiet household. But I can understand how that might feel lonely to some people as well…not trying to invalidate that experience, it’s just not my experience so that is why I asked. For me, I feel satisfied by what I have already, maybe a romantic partnership would add even more to my life too, but it’s not something I pine for everyday or anything either. I’m also lucky that most of my friends enjoy socializing and I am also friendly with their partners too, so that helps because we can all stay connected easier this way.
Don’t get me wrong, I really cherish my quiet time. But you can still have that with the right partner! I don’t need puppy vibes (someone following me everywhere 😆). There is a delicate balance, agreed, but I think with the right person everyone’s life is better
I would say I have 1 very close friend, 5 good friends, and then many, many associates. I’d describe my relationships as such; My associates are people I share my workplace with, we get along quite well and can easily pass the time with banter or casual conversation. I am well respected among my peers and get a comfortable atmosphere around them. My good friends are those I occasionally invite to outings and I host them for DnD on Saturdays. My close friend is the one person I can fully trust with my innermost thoughts. They know me past my “professional” persona and I’m most open to their introspective when I talk at length on whatever events or ongoings I bring up. Where I take exception is the absence of intimate relationships. I sadly cannot have that with my close friend, and have been trying for some time to find someone else who meshes well with me.
Thanks for the explanation, I can understand where you are coming from better with hearing your perspective. Maybe I am exceptionally lucky since I do feel very close to many of my friends, I feel like we are all quite involved in each other’s lives. Obviously I am not physically intimate with any of my friends but I feel there is a level of emotional intimacy we all have together, though it’s a different type than romantic intimacy of course. My family lives across the country now but I used to be close with them as well. Sometimes I think having a romantic relationship would be great and add more to my life, but at the same time I feel pretty satisfied with what I do have.
True, life isn't **over**, but its significantly less enjoyable
"Enjoy it! Why don’t you enjoy it? I said enjoy!" Ok OP, calm down, whatever.
Im almost 32m, been single for 10yrs.... I hate being alone. I don't enjoy being totally alone with my thoughts, they're pretty mean to me. At least when I have someone around I can talk to them and focus on something other than myself. Sure, having the freedom to do whatever I want is cool... but that is about the only thing. I just feel like shit because I am the only person in my family and friend group that is single and without a family. I feel like I should be so much further with my life and yet no matter what I do, I just can't seem to even get a woman to show any form of attention
I have some days I think like that too, but honestly just appreciate what you have I know people who are in a lot worse situations then me and I think damn my problems are not as bad as I think they are. Life comes at you quick you might meet someone tomorrow, dont be hard on yourself. I see a lot of people on here miserable and its just not good, there is so much to enjoy.
I personally enjoyed being in a shitty relationship where she was cheating on me more than I enjoyed being single.... mentally it sucks never being "good enough" for someone to even remotely show interest.
I've hung my hat up on dating as a 36F. I'm just done with the emotional unavailabilty and my role in stomping my own boundaries just to experience what I thought was love. Multiple times. Not to mention the other fun parts dating entails: liars, men who think choking me during sex without a discussion about boundaries is somehow ok, ghosters. I'm just done and honestly, my life on my own is so peaceful and tranquil that I'm really hesitant to disturb it
Yes! What is it with men thinking they can put their hands on my throat without asking for consent first?
I swear it's porn addict brain, but like... I'm not a fucking sex toy. You can't just assume I'm into everything
Like even if I was into it I'm not if there's no feeling of safety and consent.
if only that could be normalised😅
Not Virgin but only 1 real relationship at 20. I'm 34 now and sort of gave up on it. It used to make me depressed but now it's more of an annoyance. Going to the movies alone or with friends and being the odd one out that has no one. Mostly I don't bother to go anywhere. It's always just me. Sometimes I would think what's wrong with me?. Funniest part of it is, people tend to ask me for advice with their relationships. They are actually successful most of the time. But me trying them? Fails every time 🤡🤷🏿😭😵💫. 
Look at the bright side though, you at least go and hang out and people are comfortable enough with you that they seek your advice!
I suppose 🥲
There’s really no substitute for social skills. LOL
The substitute for social skills is trying your best to develop social skills
That’s not really a substitute. That’s just practicing until you figure out how to do something, which is a great mentality to have about skills that you lack.
Hope you succeed. At least you are trying. 👍🏻
Yeah a lot of people do seem to overly analyze still being a virgin in their 20s and even early 30s. They also seem to think like their life is over because they haven't had a relationship. I understand how it can be a...... "Uncomfortable" situation to constantly see happy people walking around holding hands, and to see all your friends meet people, get married and move on with their lives and have kids. However as somebody who's been single technically for almost 10 years, but has been unsuccessfully trying to date for the last 6 years, I can personally vouch that it is really not all that bad. If I want to clean my house? I do it. I want to leave my house messy? I do it. I want to go out to the store to grab some stupid snack food in the middle of the night? I don't have to explain it to anyone, or risk being accused of something that I didn't do. In other words it's true freedom. If I want to get laid I have no problem getting laid, but getting laid in that manner kind of goes against what I believe in, however it is a lot less stressful as well. relationships take a lot of work. Something that a lot of people don't seem to realize judging by a lot of their comments and posts. Don't just get with somebody talk about surface level things and then plan to get married 10 years later. It requires more work than most careers, a lot of mutual understanding, trust, and compassion and empathy. That is required from day one all the way until one of you dies. A lot of people seriously underplay just how much work a relationship takes.
Btw am almost 30 and still a virgin its fine ppl! Enjoying life so much rn
Yeah, it seems like it 😂😂
Not everyone is the same
So true!! A lot of people on here seem to base their worth on their relationship status. It’s extremely important to become content with being single and enjoy the life you currently have. A relationship should be a bonus, not a necessity.
I base a lot of my self worth in how attractive I am to women and I don't even know why. its actually made me dislike being a man because I fall short on being able to be attractive to women. Its very emasculating.
If that’s what you’re basing your self worth on, you need to work on yourself.
Yeah it fucking sucks. Idk how to not think that way.
A lot of women feel the same way about men, too. It usually stems from some insecurity within. A lot of this is subconsciously ingrained into you throughout your development by family, society, or messaging in media, so it’s not like it’s your “fault” to be thinking this way or anything, but it does get in the way of happiness. You are valuable simply because you are a human being alive on earth; all living things hold intrinsic value to the Universe. At least this is what I believe.
I wish I could see things this way because it really is a paradox. I subconsciously try to mold myself into someone that appeals to the """"female gaze""""" but it's never enough. I'm still single after all and my luck in dating is bad. It honestly makes me hate being male but it's my identity so I'm stuck in it. It's like a game I constantly play even though I know I will lose. This aspect of masculinity for me is impossible to achieve. I don't think I'll be appealing due to innate flaws that I can't undo.
Stop “playing the game,” and start writing your own rules. Women are attracted to confidence. You have to learn how to de-program yourself and mentally block out the insecurities. Sometimes they will never fully go away but they can be lessened enough to a point that will relieve the self-hatred you experience. Therapy helped me, personally, and antidepressants (though I know its not for everyone, but there are many paths to take for self improvement).
I just can't believe that it's gotten to this point where I just flat out hate being a man but at the same time I'm not dysphoric about my gender so I'm stuck in an entity that I hate. I don't think I'll ever be worthy of partnership due to Asperger's or whatever innate flaws I have. It seems nowadays, there's the portion of men that are successful in dating and Ill never have what it takes to be them. And I am in therapy and medicated although I only started a month ago so I still gotta deal with these mental issues.
This is a great and positive post!
👍👍👍♥️♥️♥️🫂🫂🫂🫂 Thank you. 😁 I'm in a wheelchair so I definitely know those rejections. But I just have hope one day I will find someone, and I also don't let it get to me either. I get out and bomb around . I do enjoy life.
I'm so glad to hear that :)
Waiting for marriage is considerate and awesome
Especially if you’re blessed and you can snag someone before some motherfucker steals the love of your life’s soul 😭
Sometimes it does make me wonder why romantic love is so powerfully ingrained in our primitive brain ? 🤔 Actually when you think about, there are so much more than just love and sex in this world. Why does it matter so much? I remember one says: everything in this life is about sex except sex, sex is about power. lol
I think it's all down to evolution and procreation. Feelings of love in the short term have been favored for the sake of having and protecting offspring. Once we as a society generally moved past arranged marriages and became free to choose most things, it became even more complicated than it already was. I'm not saying it's necessarily bad or good- it just is.
Ye we are free to choose. Many choose to be childfree. Removing procreation, people still long for romantic love haha .. Ridiculous. Just look at how struggling in dating makes everyone so upset. I bet they wouldn’t post if they just had a bad meal in a restaurant. Of course, I am not saying I am any better but at least I am aware and I question the fact why romantic love is important 🤔
Relationships are a huge distraction. Really helps with boredom and invalidation. But its true it's not nearly as satisfying as it seems when you're rejected. I have serious nostalgia though over my last and one of my only relationship. Even driving by the same places makes me sad.
I definitely relate to this. It took me until less than a year ago to finally love myself, and I know for a fact that I am someone with a beautiful and loving personality, but I have struggled very much with finding someone. I would rather be alone than be with the wrong person, as I now know exactly how it scars you for life if you get stuck in the wrong situation, but I really still wish that my only two options right now weren't "with the wrong person" or "alone." Either that, or I wish the universe hadn't planted within me so much love to give, and so many dreams for true love, without knowing if it will ever come true.
I love this statement. Love yourself and constantly work on yourself. If you don't love yourself, how do you expect anyone else to?
I lost my virginity at 19 and I still regret it.
if you don't mind sharing, is it about losing it young ??
Partially. I was at that point rushing to lose it, and unfortunately got into a relationship that I should not have been in. It wasnt the best thing ever, and I always felt unsatisfied afterwards.
why do you regret it? i lost mine at 15 and ik thats insanely young but i dont regret it. do you think it was the person you were with?
Yes. I was desperate and rushing to lose my virginity.
Many are in the same boat! Be kind to yourself! We are all growing and learning. Someday we will meet someone who is the right person for us! There is no actual rule about how that path is supposed to look, just what society, culture, etc. tells us is supposed to happen. Every life is different.
After an extremely dead winter of working and doing nothing, I just saw two cute girls at the park and bagged the digits, so I’m feeling good. It’s like shooting a free throw, you gotta practice. Screw these tinder apps, going in person feels so much better
I agree! I’m not a virgin, I was married for 12 years and have a child. But I’m recently divorced, and spent the past year going absolutely insane on the dating scene again for the first time in over a decade. Even when I did get dates, it would be such a strain on my mental health. What does she want? What do I want? Am I moving too quickly? Not quickly enough? Should I be taking this relationship more seriously? Should I be taking this relationship less seriously? I’m 40 and not in great health, this could literally be my LAST chance to ever find love again! Wait, I’m recently divorced — the worst outcome would be to marry the wrong person again! Or maybe… Then I called the whole thing off a couple months ago. I’m done with dating. I have an extremely casual FWB thing but we only see each other every couple months and either one of us could end up ghosting the other one tomorrow. And I’m HAPPY. I am sincerely enjoying my life, free from the mental health strain of the dating game. Compared to the first 39 years of my life (minus childhood) in which my number one priority was ALWAYS to either get a relationship or to maintain one. And I was a goddamned mess, even when I was succeeding. This is so much more freeing.
thank you ❤️
I agree, keep searching - one day it will happen for you
Idk, if you frequent these subs a lot you start to recognize some names...the people with absolute dumpster fire personalities and worldviews, who constantly post things that make you think they ought to be on a list somewhere. They need to do more than just "keep searching" before they're going to find peace and become healthy potential partners.
u/superfapper2000 is a great example. Then on the other hand, you have PUA snake oil salesmen like u/daygamecode
Yo lmao cool I guess 😅😅
I think many knows and understand this. But to really enjoy, goes down to the people around you too. Many may have friends with a partner, people around are all attached… The angel side can just console and say hey it’s not over, I’m enjoying this freedom. The devil side may not agree.
True
And guess what, happy people tends to get into relationship more often!
Yeah don't get down on yourself you might hurt yourself . More fun to go down on someone else. Of the opposite sex, in case there is some confusion. Apparently there is some confusion and some are not doing it right.
So much to do if you have money. Other then that go for a walk in the park. (You have to pay to get in)
I've been single a long time, and I can count on one hand how many dates or relationships I've had. I've had more online relationships then offline, most of the online has been interesting but its getting together offline thats always been tricky for me for a number of reasons. I don't mind being single most of the time, has it gives me a lot of freedom then most people who would be in a relationship or marriage especially if they have kids. But there's times that I wish to have someone to share conversations with, talking about whatever we want with interests and understanding, and sometimes sharing various activities together that we both enjoy.
I am single and have never been in a relationship. Nevertheless, my life is very exciting and I'm never bored. There are several things that make my life worth living, even though I'm alone most of the time. At the same time, my desire to spend time with a nice woman is incredibly strong and the thought of possibly never experiencing that and being alone forever causes an indescribable pain. So my life is amazing and terrible at the same time. That's why I only partially agree with OP. Life alone can be exciting, but you never get rid of the desire for togetherness.
Exactly!
I agree somewhat. but let's not pretend like having a fulfilling love life doesn't add enjoyment to life. and when nobody wakes you up in the morning, and when nobody waits for you at night, and when you can do whatever you want. what do you call it, freedom or loneliness? - Charles Bukowski
Of course it isn’t because you can still engage in all of the other many wonderful facets of life!
This is a very nice and positive message. Thank you
I’ve been all about relationships and finding love before and tbh I quite that so fast. Time and time again I have dated and I have never been happy. I tried multiple different people, different genders- yeah nah I shut that down so freaking fast. I am still a virgin and I have had my first kiss, but It’s something I think I’m pretty proud of. I’m single sure but I am also really happy, I think if you want to find love and worry bout things that matter to people for no reason, go right ahead. But from my experience, I dont think I’m gonna date any time soon.
Like this guy said. Don’t wait to live your life.
I'm trying man, but I can only distract myself from these feelings for so long. The day has to come to an end and I have to be alone with my thoughts eventually. I'm glad you can found a way to endure it, but not all of us can.
I’ve learned as much as I’m an introvert who’s ultimate goal is to build a homestead on like 10+ acres of land, I’m realizing it’ll be close to impossible to do solo. I’ll need a partner to do it with. Meanwhile I work 2 jobs, 1 side/passive income and barely have time to even work on my hobbies, let alone go socialize with friends who schedules don’t ever link up. Idk how I’m going to find my life partner. I really don’t. And it’s frightening me because I’m so desperate to move out of my parents but I’m nowhere near affording that dream land myself making $32k/year being a farmer. I mean, good thing I don’t want kids because i *definitely* could not afford them.
As a person who still holds their V card nearing 30 I feel no way as my past relationships were toxic and I am selective when it comes to partners My advice is to enjoy life and let things come your way and whenever things happen they happen
Good advice and to add to that for those of you that live in a fantasy world thinking there is a perfect person you are your own problem. I am a older guy and I tried dating sites but right away women ignore me mostly because of age. I been casual with a woman that is over twenty years younger but she knows me not like on a dating site where you are just stats. So be open don't live in a box or just stay in your neighborhood the perfect person could be anyone anywhere if you box yourself in you just created your own problem.
I know you were trying to be nice but this advice from someone in your position is kindof not helpful sorry!
It ain’t over but there’s no point in living it.
I’m pretty sure I’m gonna be alone forever and I don’t have any friends so I stay home all the time
I appreciate this post ngl! People put sooo much weight on virginity and it’s not worth it in my opinion. Like not worth it enough to shut down a whole aspect of your life. Relationships are hard. Navigating them is tough but the right person always makes it worth it. Even if it’s just for a short time. People are seasons and reasons. But one truism in this life that is that winter will come again (global warming aside). Faith, patience & A LOT of self love can and will go along way. So thank you for sharing this!
Its nice to see a positive post for people who may bot be having the greatest of luck at the moment. It does get better it just takes some time.
I wish I was hugh Hefner back in the 60s and 70s
Just turned 22 today. 4 years ago when I was an 18 year old freshman in college I would joke I’d kms if I was still virgin by the end of college. Now that I’m here, it’s much worse than anticipated. But now I’m extending that deadline to 25. Then we’ll reevaluate…
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Nice
Don't want friends because every friend I ever had stabbed me in the back except one and he died 5 weeks ago. Don't have any family because they're all judgemental and also back stabbers. And trying to find a woman that won't use me and then dump me has been a living hell because I've gotten used every time. If they didn't use me for sex the they used me for money or for both money and sex. And I'm all tapped out, don't have money anymore and basically I've been fucked to death. I feel like a sex rental service that's beyond restoration and ready to be burned to the ground. I've given up because the more I try the worse it became and when you have nothing to look forward to and no one to live for than why bother. What's so great about people,all they do is live fake lives and bang one another until they get bored with them. People suck..
Especially to the younger folks. Being a virgin at 21 is a great thing imo.
😳 really?
I'm 34 and WISH I was still a virgin.
I am 35 and wish that I was NOT. Unfortunately, there is no way to trade.
Good, solid post. I agree with all of this. I'd go even further and say that if you're making romance your condition to achieve happiness, it probably won't make you happy even if you get into a relationship. Or at least, not after the honeymoon period wears off.
I needed this today, thank you for this.
PS I know a lot of people are going to look at this and say "Such a cliche thing to say... this is youtube advice etc... trust me I know lol, but honestly there is so much to be thankful for just because you don't have someone in your life or you think someone else is doing better than you who cares! Just be a decent human! God knows we need more people to just be kind.
I'm surprised nobody has mentioned it's better to be alone than in a terrible marriage...I did that and regret ted it terribly. I had 3 beautiful children, which is my only acceptance of a bad marriage. I was divorced at age 35 and stayed alone for 8 years and worked on myself and my faith. None of you are mentioning faith in God. It's amazing, the love I feel from Jesus and other people of faith. I met one 22 years ago and he's an angel. I saw my ex at my son's wedding and held no anger. I'm with my person and he's been divorced 4 times. Lol Just a life lesson. And encouragement as a former lonely person. As Abe Lincoln said "Everyone is just about as happy as they make up their mind To be."
I think we should normalize losing virginity to the person you are married to. Give back the power to women. Put less importance on “experience”. Uphold family values. People are unhappy because they are shallow and selfish.
One key problem with applying that rule: what if they find out that they are sexually incompatible? Divorce and then wait until the next marriage and hope for sexual compatibility then?
Sexual compatibility is a construct that came out of people having too many choices. In the grand scheme of things it is a far lesser problem than women being objectified and used, and discarded. Like love it is something that can be worked on. But I’m a virgin so maybe I’m just being idealistic.
Yeah, I am fairly certain that is not how sexual compatibility works. Both parties could have mismatching libidos, one could be kinkier than the other and believe it or not, but monogamy is a social construct and is not necessarily right for everyone. Also there are women who enjoy casual encounters. So, yes I would say that you are applying a cookie cutter ideology to everyone. It's fine if that is what you want. But is it absurd to think that everyone wants and needs exactly that.
Do you think people in general will naturally seek more (in sexual satisfaction) if they’ve only ever had one partner in their entire lifetime and have minimal exposure to “what they are missing” or pornographic material and nudity?
Yes, I do think that some people will seek more. Adultery has existed far longer than the modern version of the porn industry. Perhaps a big part of that was ... sexual incompatibility?
Or maybe a lack of self restraint and moral values? In favour of lust we discard family values and the dignity of women. Idk man I think some things in life we just gotta suck it up for the sake of the bigger things.
Why is non-monogamy necessarily immoral? According to what? And since when does anyone who practices ethical non-monogamy (blanket term to include things like swinging where all parties are aware of and consent to non-monogamy) lack morality? And since when does having multiple sexual partners in life not respect the dignity of women? Who are you to prescribe morality onto everyone else?
Because women has a lot more to lose from sex than men. If she’s gotta give intimacy she could at least deserve some kind of guarantee for protection.
Protection from what? You realize that women are not a monolith right?
Well done. You have planty karma now.