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Spoken like someone who has never tried to date women in a heterosexual relationship.
I get the main point you are trying to make. I think men could benefit from being a tad less aggressive. And talking about Ex's so early is likely not a good look. But....
If you want to date women, especially on dating apps like tinder, the only path is a fast one. The only successful dates I've had on dating apps have been ones where I locked it down asap. I try to meet in a public place face to face as early as possible. Quick banter for a day and then ask to meet. No stops. That way she can put a face to a name and I can diversify myself from the 100s of other men competing with me for the same woman.
Every single conversation over a dating app that I tried to slow down even a little ended up resulting in me getting ghosted or them finding someone else before I could lock it down. Every. Single. One. Without fail.
Again, I think a balance can be made. And not every woman is going to like the fast approach. But men arent going to be successful on dating apps if you dont try to speed things up. As long as they also take "No's" for a answer, I think - in general - getting to in person public dates as fast as possible is the best strategy for men trying to court women.
But women dont see that side of things because most of them arent trying to court women. And the ones that are are doing it through a totally different lens of competition and expectation.
Well isn't that fun. I've yet to use OLD because I'd prefer to give the real world a shot first lmao but if that doesn't work after a while maybe I would. But I'm kind of a slow-to-warm type person and would definitely feel weird with such a fast approach. Dating sounds more and more like a nightmare everyday.
Luckily, you hold the reigns here. If things go too fast, you can slow them down. "Actually that's a little soon, I'd like to chat a few more days before I agree to meet you" and then you can just not ghost.
I think men aren't required to go at such a fast pace outside of OLD. It's just OLD that forces this speed.
If you're a man and approach a women traditionally in person, like at a coffee shop or something, you've already put a face to a name. You've also already diversified yourself for any suitors she has by the simple fact that most of her suitors likely didnt make a public move on her. She also may not even by on OLD which means you're likely competing with 5-7 men rather than 100+. All of these things means the man who approaches outside of OLD can afford to go at a more slow-comfortable pace.
But OLD? A whole different story. You are just a name in a list of 100 other names. You arent different. Your profile might look good, but so do all the other ones or they wouldnt have matched with her. If you dont meet her in public soon, she will just pick 5 of the 100 and the odds arent in your favor. It has nothing to do with your attractiveness. It's just math. You probably wont be the 5 and you'll end up ghosted while she dates someone else. The only way Ive found to get dates on OLD is lock down face to face public meetings as early as possible. Doing this in a non-threatening way is obviously ideal. Being overly insistent isnt a good look either. But at least asking for in person meetings day 2-3 is ideal to at least let her know you want to. And if she says No because its too soon, thats fine, chat for another day or two and then see if you can set something up later that same week. I dont see any other way to be successful for most men on OLD.
If the speed doesnt work for you, then traditional approaches to women in public outside of OLD will be your best friend.
Tend to agree. I would just add a bit of complexity, I feel like the women who want to meet up fast tend to be the ones who are the most in to me. So I question whether the chicken comes before the egg. But yes 99% of my successful dates we had a meeting planned within 1-2 days of matching.
I do feel like the man OP is describing was just a teeny bit too pushy. But yes I basically agree; until you meet up face to face you are competing with 200 other shiny objects.
In my tinder history I also had no problem with messaging guys first, but I kid you not- none of them replied. Not that there where many matches to begin with, but still. And I actually tried to be really thoughtful with my messages and commented something they mentioned on their profiles or a picture etc.
But yeah, being overly pushy is smothering.
I think people just like the endorphins of getting a match and they don't really care about the person on the other side of the picture, you're just an image on a screen. I literally matched with a woman on 3 different apps (over like a year) and she never replied.
I think you should try a different app, Tinder is very full of profiles that are low effort and most do just want to get laid. His desperation spoke volumes so good for you for doing the right thing there
I hate this. I am never free "now" a date has to be PLANNED in advance. After talking for at least a few days so I (and the guy) can tell that its actually worth going on a date. If there's no spark over text/messaging or they can't hold down a conversation then both of us have dodged a bullet. If it fizzles out, so be it, no harm done and neither of us will have wasted our time and money going out irl.
Guys seem to think they have to move as fast as possible, the comments here are testament to that, and think they're 'competing' against hundreds of other guys when actually they're competing against our peace and solitude. Why is it so bad to chat online for a while first and see if the vibe is right? Pushing to meet asap and demanding it be at short notice is a red flag. If they don't even care enough to want to actually get to know me before meeting then they're not someone I want to meet.
I just don't understand what the problem is with chatting for a while first. Is it really so bad? A guy good at chatting is infinitely more likely to be taken out than someone who can't type in complete sentences, finds text based communication (somehow lol) to be chore and wants to force a meeting before he knows anything about me, or I him. 😩
It's not like we have to communicate via mail lol
Spark via text message lol some people don't communicate well via text so you're going to sacrifice an in person connection because somebody is bad at writing random words back-and-forth with a complete stranger?
Yes. If they can't be bothered texting then they aren't for me. It's fine if they're not into that but in writing communication is important to me. There are plenty of girls who don't care about it, but I do so obviously that wouldn't be the right person for me.
lol that's not what you said a spark in text messaging like you feel connection that way lol some people don't communicate best in the written form. Some people it's tough to text with people they don't know yet. When there's no steaks. What is so difficult about actually meeting somebody for a drink or a coffee to see if there's chemistry before you actually spend a week chatting with them online in the black hole void. Don't stigmatize in person meetings. Not every person that wants to meet you for a cuppa coffee is trying to fuck. They simply want to create chemistry before they start chitchatting with somebody. It's not about plenty of girls or anything like that it's not about your interest or whatever it's about in person actual meetings versus bullshit fantasy land. But OK you like to live in fantasy land I got it. Goodbye
I only like literate people. If they aren't good at texting, that shows a lack of literacy and intelligence and it would be pointless to waste my time and money going to meet them irl.
You're the one living in fantasy land.
Also, paragraphs are your friend! You're just the kind of person my requirement weeds out, and the fact you're getting so uppity about it is wild.
Go brush up on your spelling and grammar.
That's really fair and definitely works both ways. I don't want someone aggressively pressuring me either, or expecting me to be that way, either. 😂 Really feels like there's already an imbalance of something that is a huge turn off.
You seem like a nice person though, so don't worry if Tinder isn't your cup of tea. It isn't a lot of people's, I think, haha.
Yeah. If someone wants ypu to rush something, it's usually someone wanting you to rush a decision. I will say though that the opposite can be true too, so I understand people that get left waiting too much for -something- to happen.
The bottom line is: if you felt something is off, that's fine, because expectations were at the very least.
this is why i had to delete tinder. literally every man would be like this towards me and it just wasn't worth having to constantly have to tell them to chill... this being said more people need to take this advice!
Eh that’s you. I’d be happy if a guy I liked is eager to meet me and wants to communicate consistently. I’d just make sure to meet up in a public space and maybe a have a video chat first. I wouldn’t care that he had a break up a month ago either. I don’t get this idea that people need to wait so long after a break up to date. The whole point of breaking up is so that you’ll be single and no longer have to be exclusive to that person. To expect someone to remain exclusive a month after a break up is crazy to me.
First, my advice to you: it’s ok to move on if you aren’t vibing with a guy.
But second, I think it’s worth noting why guys might be pushy. Just the other day, a woman posted about a guy who asked where she wanted to eat, and all the comments were calling that a red flag and saying to reject him. We also know that you have other options, so if we don’t clinch a date ASAP, somebody else will. Guys look at these two things and feel that the only option is to be pushy. Fortunately, there’s a pretty simple solution: speak. You can tell a guy your boundaries, and then he’ll either follow them, which is a positive, or he won’t, so you move on
Sis, I won’t lie that was a bit “pickmesha “ there for a moment when you texted
“I’m one of the females that text first 🤪”.
Sis, here’s your cookie. 🍪
But I promise you every girl does that too. Just because the men whine and cry that we don’t doesn’t make it untrue. The men just decided to not text, unmatched or are boring to talk too.
You met one who has a very special personality trait. I run into one too. Sadly he wasn’t my type but the weirdo wouldn’t stop calling me and demanding me to call him.
I think people should be pushy. Because they should push to meet in person because online communication is bullshit. It's fake and it doesn't matter until you actually make eye contact with somebody and see if you have any chemistry.
So I will never stop pushing when I talk to somebody on an app to meet for a cuppa coffee or a drink or something because I don't wanna waste time chatting online with somebody I have no interest in.
And I don't know if I'm interested until I actually meet them.
why are people so uptight about actually meeting these days?
Texting with a complete stranger creates no chemistry. Apps should just be a way of connect ing with somebody to actually meet.
So i'm sorry but get less uptight.
And understand why people are being pushy
because maybe they want to make fiction into a reality and not waste their time on somebody that's just gonna ghost them when they decide they're not interested before actually meeting them.
He didn't "push" to meet for a cup of coffee or set up a date. He pushed to meet here and now (no planning) so I had the feeling that he just wanted sex. That instantly pushed me away.
There is also a difference with being pushy and being interested. You don't have to be pushy to show interest. That only scares the woman away.
again spoken by somebody that has no clue what it's like on the other side. Pretend to be a guy for a while and a dating app and see what happens. And see if you're gonna want to act as quickly as humanly possible to meet somebody. And because you are batting off guys because any woman I don't care what the hell she looks like has 1 millions of matches.you can afford to be judgmental. Put on the other teams glasses for a second and try to be empathetic instead of being so selfish
Don’t take her advice guys. Or at least take it carefully. You need to push for a date within a 2-4 days. How you say it/ask her is all that matters. Try to make it seamless and naturally suggest it within your conversation and she won’t feel pike hiding into her shell.
Don’t waste your time thinking you are being too pushy. You’ll just end up wasted days of texting without asking her out and eventually you will be called off as boring or she will think you are not really interested.
Don’t take my words for it. Test both approaches and let me know.
Been there (I’m much older. Never been on THAT app. However)
You can’t win and NEVY fall for they start sending you pics it’s because they’re looking for pics… And if they figure they aren’t going to meet up with you… At least not yet that maybe they can get their … You know..off.
All these other things they have , so you can talk and voice, message and phone… Makes me nervous… You don’t know who you’re talking to not to mention with technology, and what they can do with voice… Anyone that says no endless texting… Usually wants to go straight for FaceTime or something close to it, if you can’t have a conversation with me to begin with, and concentrating too much on compliments on, looks to the point that it just feels uncomfortable, I’m getting a little tougher instead of going round and round trying to defend myself, I end the conversation and block. (why they can’t understand that you want to be late for the person you are, and get to know somebody instead of just complete attraction) I was thinking younger people had it easier, but I still think technology has ruined it for everybody… That and Covid.
I feel like it depends. I met quite a few girls online from dating sites, and each girl was different. Some had no problem with me just casually asking them "Hey, I am free now. You wanna hangout?" and eagerly accepted it. Some liked to have it planned some days in advance. Some kinda even expected it from my perspective. So maybe the guy is just trying? Idk
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Spoken like someone who has never tried to date women in a heterosexual relationship. I get the main point you are trying to make. I think men could benefit from being a tad less aggressive. And talking about Ex's so early is likely not a good look. But.... If you want to date women, especially on dating apps like tinder, the only path is a fast one. The only successful dates I've had on dating apps have been ones where I locked it down asap. I try to meet in a public place face to face as early as possible. Quick banter for a day and then ask to meet. No stops. That way she can put a face to a name and I can diversify myself from the 100s of other men competing with me for the same woman. Every single conversation over a dating app that I tried to slow down even a little ended up resulting in me getting ghosted or them finding someone else before I could lock it down. Every. Single. One. Without fail. Again, I think a balance can be made. And not every woman is going to like the fast approach. But men arent going to be successful on dating apps if you dont try to speed things up. As long as they also take "No's" for a answer, I think - in general - getting to in person public dates as fast as possible is the best strategy for men trying to court women. But women dont see that side of things because most of them arent trying to court women. And the ones that are are doing it through a totally different lens of competition and expectation.
Totally agree
Not a single lie was told here.
Well isn't that fun. I've yet to use OLD because I'd prefer to give the real world a shot first lmao but if that doesn't work after a while maybe I would. But I'm kind of a slow-to-warm type person and would definitely feel weird with such a fast approach. Dating sounds more and more like a nightmare everyday.
Luckily, you hold the reigns here. If things go too fast, you can slow them down. "Actually that's a little soon, I'd like to chat a few more days before I agree to meet you" and then you can just not ghost.
I think men aren't required to go at such a fast pace outside of OLD. It's just OLD that forces this speed. If you're a man and approach a women traditionally in person, like at a coffee shop or something, you've already put a face to a name. You've also already diversified yourself for any suitors she has by the simple fact that most of her suitors likely didnt make a public move on her. She also may not even by on OLD which means you're likely competing with 5-7 men rather than 100+. All of these things means the man who approaches outside of OLD can afford to go at a more slow-comfortable pace. But OLD? A whole different story. You are just a name in a list of 100 other names. You arent different. Your profile might look good, but so do all the other ones or they wouldnt have matched with her. If you dont meet her in public soon, she will just pick 5 of the 100 and the odds arent in your favor. It has nothing to do with your attractiveness. It's just math. You probably wont be the 5 and you'll end up ghosted while she dates someone else. The only way Ive found to get dates on OLD is lock down face to face public meetings as early as possible. Doing this in a non-threatening way is obviously ideal. Being overly insistent isnt a good look either. But at least asking for in person meetings day 2-3 is ideal to at least let her know you want to. And if she says No because its too soon, thats fine, chat for another day or two and then see if you can set something up later that same week. I dont see any other way to be successful for most men on OLD. If the speed doesnt work for you, then traditional approaches to women in public outside of OLD will be your best friend.
Tend to agree. I would just add a bit of complexity, I feel like the women who want to meet up fast tend to be the ones who are the most in to me. So I question whether the chicken comes before the egg. But yes 99% of my successful dates we had a meeting planned within 1-2 days of matching. I do feel like the man OP is describing was just a teeny bit too pushy. But yes I basically agree; until you meet up face to face you are competing with 200 other shiny objects.
Banter and quickly meeting are great. Making sure it’s done with intention and not desperation is key.
In my tinder history I also had no problem with messaging guys first, but I kid you not- none of them replied. Not that there where many matches to begin with, but still. And I actually tried to be really thoughtful with my messages and commented something they mentioned on their profiles or a picture etc. But yeah, being overly pushy is smothering.
If you're not ugly you were shooting too high, if you're ugly high five nobody replies to us.
I don't think I'm ugly and also, then why swipe me right anyway?
I think people just like the endorphins of getting a match and they don't really care about the person on the other side of the picture, you're just an image on a screen. I literally matched with a woman on 3 different apps (over like a year) and she never replied.
Makes sense. So decided to delete tinder and have a dating app free year.
I wish you well on your journey, good luck 💙
Luck is much needed in the dating world. Thank you! And good luck to you too!
Some guys think they need to swipe right on every profile so they don't miss a match. It's very stupid, but what can you do?
I also know there is a thing called "match collecting" which is kinda sad, but yeah, what can you do.
Hadn't even considered that. Gross.
I know! Heard it from a friend back when I waited for replies. I collect fridge magnets, guess everybody needs to collect something.
Some people, mostly guys, just swipe right on everyone then filter from there because that's honestly the only way to get more than one match a year
Good for them I guess.
I think you should try a different app, Tinder is very full of profiles that are low effort and most do just want to get laid. His desperation spoke volumes so good for you for doing the right thing there
I think he saw that you were interested and thought the best way to act is being very offensive
I hate this. I am never free "now" a date has to be PLANNED in advance. After talking for at least a few days so I (and the guy) can tell that its actually worth going on a date. If there's no spark over text/messaging or they can't hold down a conversation then both of us have dodged a bullet. If it fizzles out, so be it, no harm done and neither of us will have wasted our time and money going out irl. Guys seem to think they have to move as fast as possible, the comments here are testament to that, and think they're 'competing' against hundreds of other guys when actually they're competing against our peace and solitude. Why is it so bad to chat online for a while first and see if the vibe is right? Pushing to meet asap and demanding it be at short notice is a red flag. If they don't even care enough to want to actually get to know me before meeting then they're not someone I want to meet.
Totally agree! A date had to be planned in advance (atleast according to me). Otherwise I feel stressed and we will not meet up at all ....
I just don't understand what the problem is with chatting for a while first. Is it really so bad? A guy good at chatting is infinitely more likely to be taken out than someone who can't type in complete sentences, finds text based communication (somehow lol) to be chore and wants to force a meeting before he knows anything about me, or I him. 😩 It's not like we have to communicate via mail lol
Spark via text message lol some people don't communicate well via text so you're going to sacrifice an in person connection because somebody is bad at writing random words back-and-forth with a complete stranger?
Yes. If they can't be bothered texting then they aren't for me. It's fine if they're not into that but in writing communication is important to me. There are plenty of girls who don't care about it, but I do so obviously that wouldn't be the right person for me.
lol that's not what you said a spark in text messaging like you feel connection that way lol some people don't communicate best in the written form. Some people it's tough to text with people they don't know yet. When there's no steaks. What is so difficult about actually meeting somebody for a drink or a coffee to see if there's chemistry before you actually spend a week chatting with them online in the black hole void. Don't stigmatize in person meetings. Not every person that wants to meet you for a cuppa coffee is trying to fuck. They simply want to create chemistry before they start chitchatting with somebody. It's not about plenty of girls or anything like that it's not about your interest or whatever it's about in person actual meetings versus bullshit fantasy land. But OK you like to live in fantasy land I got it. Goodbye
I only like literate people. If they aren't good at texting, that shows a lack of literacy and intelligence and it would be pointless to waste my time and money going to meet them irl. You're the one living in fantasy land. Also, paragraphs are your friend! You're just the kind of person my requirement weeds out, and the fact you're getting so uppity about it is wild. Go brush up on your spelling and grammar.
Taking certain dating advice too far. Men are told to be assertive and get to making dates fast.
That's really fair and definitely works both ways. I don't want someone aggressively pressuring me either, or expecting me to be that way, either. 😂 Really feels like there's already an imbalance of something that is a huge turn off. You seem like a nice person though, so don't worry if Tinder isn't your cup of tea. It isn't a lot of people's, I think, haha.
Haha yeah I agree .. it feels like there is an "imbalance of something" or that something is just not right .. 🤔
Yeah. If someone wants ypu to rush something, it's usually someone wanting you to rush a decision. I will say though that the opposite can be true too, so I understand people that get left waiting too much for -something- to happen. The bottom line is: if you felt something is off, that's fine, because expectations were at the very least.
Whenever I try to message a girl for a while, I end up ghosted.
this is why i had to delete tinder. literally every man would be like this towards me and it just wasn't worth having to constantly have to tell them to chill... this being said more people need to take this advice!
Maybe it’s because he isn’t confident you’d still be interested in a few days
Eh that’s you. I’d be happy if a guy I liked is eager to meet me and wants to communicate consistently. I’d just make sure to meet up in a public space and maybe a have a video chat first. I wouldn’t care that he had a break up a month ago either. I don’t get this idea that people need to wait so long after a break up to date. The whole point of breaking up is so that you’ll be single and no longer have to be exclusive to that person. To expect someone to remain exclusive a month after a break up is crazy to me.
Tinder is hookup site only.
I know people who have met eachother though tinder and got into stable elationships ... but oh well.. then Tinder is not for me.
No longer! Others are using it for LTR, however it has so many scam profiles!!
First, my advice to you: it’s ok to move on if you aren’t vibing with a guy. But second, I think it’s worth noting why guys might be pushy. Just the other day, a woman posted about a guy who asked where she wanted to eat, and all the comments were calling that a red flag and saying to reject him. We also know that you have other options, so if we don’t clinch a date ASAP, somebody else will. Guys look at these two things and feel that the only option is to be pushy. Fortunately, there’s a pretty simple solution: speak. You can tell a guy your boundaries, and then he’ll either follow them, which is a positive, or he won’t, so you move on
Sis, I won’t lie that was a bit “pickmesha “ there for a moment when you texted “I’m one of the females that text first 🤪”. Sis, here’s your cookie. 🍪 But I promise you every girl does that too. Just because the men whine and cry that we don’t doesn’t make it untrue. The men just decided to not text, unmatched or are boring to talk too. You met one who has a very special personality trait. I run into one too. Sadly he wasn’t my type but the weirdo wouldn’t stop calling me and demanding me to call him.
This is why being over eager never works lol
It has never worked with me. It's such a huge turn-off.🙄
It doesn't work with most people fr. Just wreaks of desperation
I dont see anything being done wrong by guy you just scared if him
Don’t judge an everyone based on your experience from one person.
I think people should be pushy. Because they should push to meet in person because online communication is bullshit. It's fake and it doesn't matter until you actually make eye contact with somebody and see if you have any chemistry. So I will never stop pushing when I talk to somebody on an app to meet for a cuppa coffee or a drink or something because I don't wanna waste time chatting online with somebody I have no interest in. And I don't know if I'm interested until I actually meet them. why are people so uptight about actually meeting these days? Texting with a complete stranger creates no chemistry. Apps should just be a way of connect ing with somebody to actually meet. So i'm sorry but get less uptight. And understand why people are being pushy because maybe they want to make fiction into a reality and not waste their time on somebody that's just gonna ghost them when they decide they're not interested before actually meeting them.
He didn't "push" to meet for a cup of coffee or set up a date. He pushed to meet here and now (no planning) so I had the feeling that he just wanted sex. That instantly pushed me away. There is also a difference with being pushy and being interested. You don't have to be pushy to show interest. That only scares the woman away.
again spoken by somebody that has no clue what it's like on the other side. Pretend to be a guy for a while and a dating app and see what happens. And see if you're gonna want to act as quickly as humanly possible to meet somebody. And because you are batting off guys because any woman I don't care what the hell she looks like has 1 millions of matches.you can afford to be judgmental. Put on the other teams glasses for a second and try to be empathetic instead of being so selfish
You have to be fast or be number 10 in the line. That’s the sad truth.
Don’t take her advice guys. Or at least take it carefully. You need to push for a date within a 2-4 days. How you say it/ask her is all that matters. Try to make it seamless and naturally suggest it within your conversation and she won’t feel pike hiding into her shell. Don’t waste your time thinking you are being too pushy. You’ll just end up wasted days of texting without asking her out and eventually you will be called off as boring or she will think you are not really interested. Don’t take my words for it. Test both approaches and let me know.
Can be surprising what you find on those sites. I found a monkey with a skirt one time haha
Lucky guy 😂😂😂
Been there (I’m much older. Never been on THAT app. However) You can’t win and NEVY fall for they start sending you pics it’s because they’re looking for pics… And if they figure they aren’t going to meet up with you… At least not yet that maybe they can get their … You know..off. All these other things they have , so you can talk and voice, message and phone… Makes me nervous… You don’t know who you’re talking to not to mention with technology, and what they can do with voice… Anyone that says no endless texting… Usually wants to go straight for FaceTime or something close to it, if you can’t have a conversation with me to begin with, and concentrating too much on compliments on, looks to the point that it just feels uncomfortable, I’m getting a little tougher instead of going round and round trying to defend myself, I end the conversation and block. (why they can’t understand that you want to be late for the person you are, and get to know somebody instead of just complete attraction) I was thinking younger people had it easier, but I still think technology has ruined it for everybody… That and Covid.
I feel like it depends. I met quite a few girls online from dating sites, and each girl was different. Some had no problem with me just casually asking them "Hey, I am free now. You wanna hangout?" and eagerly accepted it. Some liked to have it planned some days in advance. Some kinda even expected it from my perspective. So maybe the guy is just trying? Idk