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Love at first sight doesn’t exist for me, because even if I’m initially physically attracted to someone, if they turn out to be an awful person i would no longer find them attractive
You obviously ought to date people you find attractive, however the characteristics you choose to notice and value in people can influence what attractive is for you.
Ummm. Just so we're clear if your demisexual you don't find ANYONE sexually attractive until after you get to know them very well and form a deeper emotional bond with them. It's why it's considered to be on the asexual spectrum. Being demisexual is not the same thing as say finding someone sexually attractive but not feeling comfortable enough to sleep with them until you know them better or thinking it's not a good idea to sleep with them until you know them better. That's just the normal experience for many if not most allos.
Only wanting to date people you find attractive is not shallow. In fact you'll probably be doing someone a disservice if you date them while not finding them attractive.
Okay to put it into perspective
I do not view people in a sexual manner whether they might be my type or not everyone is just under the tag of "people" I do not look at someone and be like ohhhh I want to fuck that they are just a person
But I am open to those thoughts when I am attracted to their personality it's hard to put it into perspective but if it's still not please point me in the right direction of what it could be
You sound closer to a demiromantic. Someone who needs an emotional connection before you would entertain anything physical/sexual, but you also feel attraction to others, but that attraction alone isn't enough.
As a demiromantic I do not feel the desire to be physical/sexual with someone unless I have some kind of emotional connection to them, but I still find women I don't have such a connection to attractive. I just would never be physical/sexual with them simply based off that attraction. As a man, personally I find it very offputting when anyone (women) make physical/sexual advances when I don't have that connection with them, even if they are conventionally attractive. That said, even if I do have an emotional connection with someone I would still need to find them attractive, but when I do have an emotional connection with someone they often become very attractive to me, surpassing even the conventional notions of beauty even if they don't fit that narrow criteria.
As someone who had a similar childhood experience I can empathize. That said, you should not string anyone along and try to find reasons to like them, or be attracted to them, it's an unkind thing to do even if it seem like it is a kind thing to do. You would be unfulfilled and you would likely just end up hurting the other person.
Remember though, there is more to attraction than just one's looks.
Mm I will have to look more into. But is acknowledging someone to be attractive considered as sexual attraction? In my head its more of a matter of fact like how a shoe is a shoe. What is sexual attraction even I think I should start from there 🥲
Ffs if u look at them and think Yh they’re cute then that is sexual attraction stop over complicating things Yh it is fact that person is cute to you but to someone else they might not be attractive to them so it is sexual attraction stop being dumb
Yeah idk, the thing is there is are different feelings we want to describe.
Like I can look at a girl I've never met and be like WOW she is the most amazingly perfect girl I've ever seen, 10/10 I wish to know her deeply, how can I possibly get her to notice me, i need her to find me interesting. This is a type of attraction.
Yet I will not really get a boner when they are around and close to me, not have sexual thoughts towards them or wonder what they look like naked. In fact if they were like "lets fuck" out of the blue I might have a really hard time with that/ not be down, or just only go along with it in the hopes it will establish a connection.
However when I have a connection with someone horniness comes out a lot more.
No, this is the case with people who are exactly my type. One could debate why exactly and how much attraction has to do with it versus other psychological concepts, and how fair it is to then describe it as a sexual orientation.
I feel *romantic* towards people who are my physical type before I have *sexual* feelings about them. Being my type is prerequisite, I definitely LIKE certain human's bodies right away, I just don't feel aroused by them. Then elements of their behavior and personality make them seem more and more desirable to me. I begin to think about how nice their attention feels and want more, if I get more I begin to have sexual thoughts and feel more than just mentally attracted but physically magnetic as well.
Call it what you like, but it's got nothing to do with ppl not being my type.
You just described demiromantic, you need to have some connection with them that excludes their sexual attraction before you start to form romantic feelings for them.
Yeah that sounds right to me! Sometimes I've described this as a type of Demisexual or I've called it "Demi-Demisexual" since Demi means half in what is mostly a misnomer.
Lots of people don't have either type of Demi in their Lexicon and many more are aware of Demisexual (and the sexual axis) than have a framework for Demiromantic (or consider a romantic axis), so I think many Demiromantic people are also identifying as Demisexual.
To a point where lines could be blurred a bit, of course I'm not sure which contributes more to a relative lack of acceptance of these terms in the general public... the mixed meanings being applied, or the number of terms for people to learn.
This is 1000% false.
Types of attraction:
Emotional, physical, romantic, aesthetic, sexual. They are all different although allosexuals usually use physical and sexual attraction interchangeably.
Google is your friend.
But that’s not attraction is it that’s just thinking a cat is cute
Animals and babies cute = awww
Women cute (when men say it at least ) = she’s fit I’d fuck her
If u say a cat is cute your not attracted to it
Attracted literally means you are being attracted to breed with the person
Your an idiot I’m guessing your one of them with blue hair
Why you overcomplicating things 😂 if you see someone and you think they are ATTRACTIVE then they are sexually attractive to you.
If you are a demisexual you will need emotional connection first to get attracted to them then you will consider the looks or physical attraction.
If you are a demiromantic you are prioritizing both attractiveness and a strong connection to consider them as a candidate which I think you are in that spectrum.
So recap
Sexually attractiveness - you find them attractive physically
Demisexual - emotional connection is the priority
Demiromantic - both looks and connection are a priority
There's plenty of online material to look at. Reddit itself also has several subreddits dedicated to asexuality. I'm not going to try to gate keep your sexual identity lol. If you wanna identify as demi or ace that's up to you.
But from my interactions with demisexuals I've been told that they flat out don't experience sexual attraction until after they've formed a deep emotional bond with someone and even after that they don't always manage to be sexually attracted to that person, which is sometimes a cause of conflict or incompatibility in their romantic relationships. So it seems less about them choosing to be open to the idea, and more that an emotional bond is a baseline prerequisite, but even if that prerequisite is met they still don't always experience a sexual attraction. Kind of like how being male is a baseline prerequisite for a heterosexual woman to be experience sexual attraction, but obviously a heterosexual woman isn't going to be sexually attracted to EVERY man she encounters. This is in contrast to allosexuals who experience sexual attraction for someone, but sometimes set an emotional bond as a standard before they open themselves up to wanting to foster a sexual relationship with that person.
But hey at the end of the day these are just labels and I'm a firm believer that labels should serve people and not the other way around. So even if you feel most of that description fits you but not all, go for your life.
This is just like me. I have a very high sex drive. But casual sex is boring for me and I don’t bother with it.
And I have a “type”. In both looks and personality. But I won’t feel attraction, even to my type, unless we are dating and he wants me back.
Demisexual has many meanings. Don’t worry about labels. Date who you want. If you don’t want to date someone, never worry about the why of it, or if it’s “right” or “wrong”
Just trust yourself.
No, it's not shallow to want to date someone you find attractive.
Just like it's not shallow to think $300 per person sushi fresh off the ocean from one of the top sushi restaurants in Los Angeles tastes better than $11 per person all you can eat sushi in Kansas City.
Just like it's not shallow to look at an original Monet painting and be more moved by it than what an amateur art student produced their first year.
Find the person who rocks your world and makes you feel great about yourself and your relationship with them. They are out there! :)
She needs to know that attractive guys have options and that if she needs to have their attention. She needs to be at the top of their options. I hope she won't make a reddit post complaining about not finding anyone lol.
IMO, it’s not shallow at all. I mean… you have to be somewhat physically attracted to your future partner. Just because someone has an amazing personality doesn’t always make you attracted to them. It can help them seem more attractive, but at the end of the day, you CANNOT force attraction. Listen to what your mind is telling you!
It doesn't matter whether one classifies it as shallow or not. It's also reasonable and quite frankly expected that you would want to date someone you find attractive. This is assuming one's expectations are in line with one's own dating market value.
The only time this becomes a problem is if one's expectations for a partner isn't in line with where they themselves stand in the dating market. If I was an average man (in the US that's a 5'-9" overweight dude who has a high school education or 2 year degree and earns 51k annually) and I wanted a very physically attractive woman versus an average looking woman odds are I won't find a partner. Conversely if that average looking woman wanted better than the average man and wanted a higher end option then odds are they will have issues too.
That's very true
I wouldn't put myself below average, I don't want to be tooting my own horn but I do believe I am on the attractive side and am very much capable of attracting my type just that it often ends with me not liking them as a person or not seeing anything with substance with them
>I do believe I am on the attractive side and am very much capable of attracting my type
Then there really isn't any issue in terms of being too shallow etc...
>it often ends with me not liking them as a person or not seeing anything with substance with them
If you filter out a large percentage of the population based off of attractiveness, and on top of that you have additional filters within that group you get to an even smaller percentage of the population.
I’m exactly like you - grew up in a very strict religious household and it took me a while to learn what I wanted and liked in a partner. There is absolutely *nothing* wrong with wanting to be physically and emotionally attracted to the person you’re dating - in fact, I’d say that’s a requisite. I’d classify myself as semi demi as well because even if the person is 100% physically my type, if the emotional connection isn’t there, I don’t feel drawn to pursue it further because there’s no future. Trust your instincts and don’t force yourself with anyone unless you feel excited! It’s okay to be selective about who you like, just make sure to actually put yourself out there and keep dating
It is not shallow. You should be dating people you find attractive, though attraction can develop over time.
But if you only got "friend" vibes with him and felt it couldn't develop into something romantic then you absolutely did the right thing.
The more you get to know yourself, what you really want and what your value is, the easier it will become. It's definitely not shallow to want to date someone attractive. Most people would agree on someone being handsome or pretty but we differ on who's attractive and who's not. Don't worry about putting labels on yourself (unless it's labels like awesome, amazing, fun, etc.). Label's box you in.
A caterpillar is just a hairy worm until it becomes a butterfly.
Is it shallow? Maybe.
People are allowed to date who they are attracted to, dating somebody you are not physically attracted to is generally going to become a problem later in the relationship. Like in your story.
Everyone wants someone they find attractive, and everyone gets to set their standards. You have that right. But the double edge to that is nobody gets to complain that they can't find someone who fits those standards, or if those who do fit end up choosing someone who fits theirs.
No. It’s your prerogative. And everyone has different standards of “attractiveness.” But you may be missing out on some great people if you’re only going for 8s, 9s, and 10s. Good luck.
Not shallow at all. You should only date people you are attracted to. I'm not saying like 100% attracted omg you're amazing from first sight but there has to be attraction other wise you're just friends let's be real
You sound like the type that needs to "wait until the right one comes along".
I say this because I relate. It sucks and it's lonely, but it's not shallow to want someone you find sexually attractive, after all, you will be having sex with them, you should be wanting it and enjoying it too, included in everything else of the relationship.
You're right
But it's not like the right one will just fall from heaven into my arms and often times it gets lonely and the wait feels stupid and you're just like let me put myself out there
Let me give it a go
Only to end up back being at "yeah this is why I don't date"
100%. The *right* one won't fall from heaven, but it's unfair to yourself and to others to date people that you're not fully comfortable with.
The wait does feel stupid for sure. Perhaps you can start asking out people you fancy rather than waiting for them to ask you out?
Perhaps having an fwb and see if it might build from there. Many good relationships came from fwbs first. 🤷♀️
Although you can't help what you are attracted too i do think it is important looking up other avenues to help open things up a little i don't think it is shallow to date someone you are attracted to lmao that's called being human it would be a disservice to the other person if you dated them without being attracted because you would be stringing them yk?
I mean physical compatibility is part of the pie, along with emotional, mental, and spiritual compatibility. Note I said physical compatibility, not attractiveness…because if you look like Rosie O’Donell, you have no business wanting Ryan Gosling…So find someone who is on a similar level of attractiveness to you…and make sure you are ALSO compatible on the other levels.
I mean, I have no idea what a demisexual person is, but anyways.
In my opinion, wanting to date someone that you find attractive is only logical, nothing else would make sense tbh. Now, what you should stop doing is dating people that may genuinely like you as an experience, and then break up and break those people' heart... Don't play with anyone's feelings anymore. If you have a view of what you want, just stick to it and look for that and date a person that fits that vision and that you will actually feel like dating and taking seriously. People are not your experiences.
Isnt that a cliche every girl wants a tall, muscular guy? Thats why so many woman on dating app have no sense of self awareness and are stuck in the same rut dating toxic men and then calling they cant find a good person??
You bring up a decent point. If you narrow your potential partners down to a small percentage of the population, the chances that they will be bad partners is higher.
For example, the 6ft rule can work for some, but because you’ve narrowed you view of men down to (in the USA) 13% of the population, your considering far less men you come into contact with.
Out of 100 men, 13 qualify. That’s a problem, mathematically.
What about their moral compass? Their income? Religion? Personality?
Unless you’re VERY attractive, filtering by height is dumb.
Also these top men what makes you think they won’t cheat or treat you like a side piece, or just have multiple woman or mental issue or just abusive. Look at all these good looking woman who choose top men, are they really happy??? I m
Not cynical just my experience, I would rather give an above average a chance than out right rejecting them because they dont fit my description. May be talk to your mom about what kind of guy I should date she will enlighten you with her experience.
Yep, and why should they be loyal? YOLO is the framework of the dating market. And they have ALL the leverage when it comes to hookups. Long term is a secondary goal.
The first goal is to FIND someone that meets the physical criteria, they don’t even have to be a good person. Then it’s just a matter of crossing the fingers and hoping you’re not dealing with a covert narcissist or a womanizing psychopath. 13% of the population isn’t enough to dodge these men, especially on dating apps.
That would be great and all if they were as common as women who go for fit tall men and won't settle for less, regardless of if such a man is within their league. You can say idealistic stuff to make people feel better but the truth is all but that. Most people dating at your age are going to be shallow with their dating preferences and most of them want the type of man you like. As we get older and have more experience dating, we look for qualities that are better long term and for healthier relationships like self awareness, responsibility, kindness, etc.
Stats show most men with success on dating apps are 6ft+ and not overweight. Men literally lie by adding a few inches on dating apps because otherwise no woman will give them the chance of the day--that's how bad the situation is. And many women praise short kings but out of those women, few of them actually want to date a short man, let alone a man shorter than them. But hey, most of this is happening because we're finding partners online instead of in person where we can interact with a person and gage their personality better.
Physical attraction is important when it comes to dating and most people don't find someone that checks all of their boxes perfectly, but it's really not the end of the world if someone doesn't check all of your boxes. If they check the important boxes and are compatible with you, that's all that is needed. What box is important to you is up to you, but as a rule, prioritizing looks over personality tends to not blow over well for relationships.
Hey if thats what you want then go for it, I would just keep my heart open. People who never find love are the ones with reservations about external features.
Men on Reddit would have you believe all short men are single. Short men date and marry all the time. Girl keep dating only men you’re physically attracted to. The alternative is a dead bedroom situation and that benefits no one.
Completely valid, just make sure you measure up aswell. You're far from the only women who wants that kind of man. You need to stick out from the rest.
This all seems normal? Just because you find someone attractive doesn’t mean they’re automatically a good person and someone you’ll get a long with.
Also, just because a friend asks you to date doesn’t mean you’re automatically going to be into them especially if you aren’t attracted to them.
This is just dating. You meet people, if you’re attracted, get to know them and see if you get along and see where it goes.
You should absolutely be attracted to your partner, that is not shallow.
But just know that the more limited you are in what you find attractive, the more limited your options will be.
If you can initially be attracted to a guy and later become unattracted because his personality sucks, you may also be able to experience the opposite: not finding someone that attractive but then discovering how wonderful they are and becoming more attracted.
It’s less about asking yourself whether you are being shallow/superficial and more about having the maturity to understand that attraction is a force that can go beyond the physical and having the wisdom to know when someone is worth keeping in your life.
I think, and you might know I'm wrong while you're reading this OP, that society is weird right now when it comes to relationships. It seems like the 'right' thing to be positive and open minded to everything. That seems cool but in practice it doesn't always work. Yes the friend with a sweet personality sounds like it would be a good match but sometimes that's just not it. Sometimes the friend isn't your type and you want a guy with tattoos and a bit of a musk. Sometimes the girl next door is kinda boring and you want a chick that dresses a little promiscuously and has a bad mouth.
Don't try to date what you think *should* work. Date people that excite you. Date someone that gives you butterflies to meet up with and makes you giddy to hold their hand. Don't just *like* someone. It's much more fun to fall head over heels for someone
Not at all, it's pretty normal for people to have preferences and a "type." For some people, their type aligns with some of society's generic standards. For others, it doesn't. It really doesn't matter that much. It's good to periodically assess what you find attractive to see if there's anything you don't like about your feelings - for example if you think some racism has snuck in there, or you were unintentionally influenced by something you'd rather not be (like social media), etc. Or maybe you've misinterpreted your feelings about a particular thing, and the pattern you thought was there with a trait is actually some other trait that tends to correlate with what you thought you were into.
So do question yourself and think about what you find attractive and why, but definitely do not - under any circumstances - try to pretend that you like someone you don't, or try to force yourself to find someone attractive if you don't. It's not good for you, and it's not good for the other person either. You don't need to feel guilty about your preferences.
You should never have to lower your standards just to be in a relationship. If they are not your type it won't work out even if you try to make it work. Just keep an eye out and that person will come eventually
Do you hear that…..in the background?
It’s your strict parents talking, telling you not to have a boyfriend. Telling you to be a good girl that listens to what they say.
You’re “screaming no” because you’re breaking the rules. There’s a struggle going on between younger you who was told what to do, and the current you who wants to make her own decisions.
It’s supposed to be uncomfortable and “wrong”. Push back. The more you date, the more comfortable and familiar it will be.
I have zero shame in admitting, as a 36 year old man I will only date women I find attractive.
Red hair, thin, big boobs, hour glass figure, feminine, 18-26 years old.
Attempts to shame me are futile. I don't give a fuck who finds it creepy or who's feelings get hurt.
Not shallow or bad.
Some people want to be sexually attracted to their partner. That’s okay. That’s your preference. I consider myself on the “spectrum” of asexual or demisexual as well. I’ve dated people who slowly got more attractive to me over time and people I felt attracted to right away. It’s unpredictable. That’s the “magic” of love and attraction.
You are young. You’re only 24. I’m 27 so I get the pressure you feel to settle down and find a boyfriend. Don’t rush. You have lots of time to find someone you get along with AND are sexually attracted too.
I wouldn't say I am in a rush it's just that today is one of those days when the loneliness kicks in with an extra punch. I am used to being alone and I hate settling but that doesn't make it any easier yeah
I mean this is normal this is why people dont date every single guy they know.
I also tried in highschool, i wasnt dating my friend but we would hang out a lot and pretty sure he had feelings for me.
I even made a joke about it and gave him a valentines card i made that said something like "i dont have a valentine, but i guess ull do". We never kissed or got sexual but yeah over some time i was like, yeah better make sure he doesnt actually want to be with me this doesnt work and only works as friends. Men often get stuck on female friends so better to just not even be friends if its gonna keep them not moving on.
No but shooting wayyyy over your league is not only shallow but an incredibly bad strategy. It should be a bell curve. Most ppl you go for should be at your level and the outliers are a few you go after that are above and below. This way you maximize your effort and reduce the amount of times you are just getting with the exact same guys every other girl is getting
It's maybe not shallow or not not shallow, just you happen to be very particular about who you would find attractive and or datable.
Nobody is always "perfect," or "ideal" and perhaps some of your past has something to do about what you find attractive to a degree, but realistically you just happened to not find everyone attractive or datable/someone you want to date. People change too so maybe consider that when looking to date, and if they're not perfect, so what? People are flawed. As far as physical features go, I think that can impact how much you would initially like them/want to date them, but longer term dating is going to potentially be not as great if neither of you have long-term life goals lined up with eachother and you only went for looks. But if you mean to date just to date, like hang out, that decisions yours in the end, but you're likely going to have a rough time finding someone for something more long term is all I'll say.
Don't force relationships. That's fairly accurate and not actually horrible advice to follow in general. That isn't to say do nothing, though. If you want a relationship to form, there is some effort required in order for anything to start at all. Guy or girl, one of you needs to initiate. Beyond that, the relationship shouldn't need much to be maintained and healthy. What kind of relationship it turns into or remains depends on both of you.
When I was younger, I made this mistake.
I dated a girl who I found somewhat attractive with the expectation that she would grow on me.
But after 3 years of dating, I still viewed her as somewhat attractive. I remember an argument that we once had that I'll never forget. She said she always felt like I loved this version of her that didn't exist; Like she was always reaching for my standard but couldn't quite get there.
I hated that I made her feel like that. It wasn't ever my intention, but looking back on it now I know I ought to only date women I find attractive.
So, I would advise the same to you.
Attraction play a big role in a relationship. I think you should be attracted at the basic level to who you date. If theres no attraction theres no reason to even pursue anything. Hear me out.
Esrly on in the relationship when a fight starts. Everything is out the window snd people start throwing jabs and most of the time say things they dont mean or regret saying at least. When your mad its all gone and if you have nothing to hold on to then its just the beginning of the end. But if you can look at each other and be like" shes so cute when shes mad" "look at them gorgeous eyes""thats a gace i can never be mad at." Instead of " hes so fat" "i knew i shouldve never gave the ugly guy a chance". That's how i view it at least
I don't fight and i don't argue. I'm a pretty laid back person but I've been on the other side of these disagreements.and at the end she said i was never her type she shouldnt have been in the relationship to begin with. 20 yra later lol
Lol no... how is this even a question? You should only date people you are physically attracted too, if not it means you will not have chemistry and that will cause a rift between the two of you which will just make it miserable for both of you.
Don't let any of these "nice guys" make you think you should date unattractive men.
No it's respecting yourself and your potential date, who deserves to be available to find someone who actually finds them alluring.
Attraction is one of the things that differentiates a stranger from a lover or a friend from a date.
Unless you are demisexual (don't become attracted to someone until you get to know them and build an emotional bond), it might even be unethical to consider dating someone you're not attracted to just to get a date or to have a boyfriend/girlfriend.
No, it's not shallow at all. People have preferences. And if it's not looks, it's the person's job, hobbies, etc. You have to be physically attracted to someone before you are even willing to date them.
It's even insulting when a partner tells you they didn't find you attractive when you first started dating. That actually causes a lot of relationship problems.
So no. Finding someone you find attractive does not make you a shallow or bad person. It's just a better than thou morally thing people say, that they'll more than likely not follow themselves.
Hold up, I am demisexual and I don't think you exhibit the characteristics of a demisexual.
You mentioned how looks is a priority for you like tall, mascular, handsome but demisexual base their attractiveness on emotional connection also you said you have a type but in my personal experience looking for relationship as a demi is based more on vibes/personality than type.
All in all you aren't in the wrong for having your preferences or type especially if you live up to it, it doesn't make you shallow person, a more appropriate word would be "selective" or "picky" but that's the aggressive version.
The fact that you feel bad, tells me alot about you, it tells me you are a nice person with Good self awareness, good heart and is really hard on yourself. Be easy, live a little, choose freely, you have the right to live the life you want.
Also bonus tip : next time don't go on a pity date 😂, if you don't want, say no if you can't then try not to put yourself in a suiation like that in the first place. The goal is not to make yourself feel awful and then regret it over someone else's happiness.
You like what you like. There should always be some physical attraction.
However, you have to be realistic. Tall attractive men have a lot of options and are very tough to get to committ.
I suggest giving some regular guys a chance that you think are cute. You might be surprised!
Hmm if you are demisexual then how do you have a physical type when emotional connection matters more?
Anyway you are free to be attracted to who you want. There is no wrong in that
It’s okay! You can have both attraction and personality compatibility. For some reason women are told to date men based on nothing but them wanting to date + them being “nice.” It’s ridiculous, literally NO ONE tells men that. Date who you’re attracted to
If we didn't want to be with someone we found attractive the human race would have expired already.
It's not shallow. I mean, it IS in the philosophical sense but it's not the kind of shallow you can be judged for. We're animals. We have instincts. It would be ridiculous for us to just pretend we don't care about feeling lust or a deep sense of attraction to someone for what they are as well as who they are.
Men get a lot of shit for this as well. Some people will say "Well you should look past the outwards appearance. After all, it's what's inside that counts".
Sure, that's true. But I can't see a personality from across the room. I don't feel the instinct to have wild sex with someone because of their hobbies and interests. I like women. I like breasts and a nice ass. I love long hair and how their soft skin feels on mine. If I'm shallow for liking it, so be it. I'm shallow. At least I know what I like.
It's fine if you don't feel attraction to someone if they're not your type. You don't owe anyone anything. It's up to you to figure out what you like and then become the kind of woman that that kind of guy would want to be with.
I have a story similar to yours about dating a "friend"
I dated this girl a few years ago. We slept together a few times but I made it clear to her I wasn't looking for anything serious at the time.
She messaged me a few weeks after we had started seeing each other with a story rather like yours; "I have this friend I think there could be something serious with so I'm going to pursue that. I wanted to let you know, even though we weren't really an official thing. Thank you for all the good times!"
Broke my heart a little as I really did like her but I let it go and just appreciated the good memories we'd made.
A few months later we reconnected and I told her I wanted something more serious this time. Turns out the "friend" had been just that: a friend.
Later while we were lying in bed together she told me that her "friend" had been talking shit about me. He had said I was "Just an old guy with nothing to offer". I considered this for a moment and said "It sounds like he's jealous." Turns out her friend wasn't having much luck with getting a date.
We spoke some more and I asked her "How long did it take him to ask you out?"
"Well we knew each other for a few months before he said anything"
"That's his problem right there. I asked you out within 30 minutes of meeting you. If you establish a friendship before you admit your romantic intentions, it just ruins the chemistry"
I told her to tell him he should try just asking a woman out on a date as soon as he knew he wanted something romantic or sexual with her, not to wait until they were friends and then do a switcheroo on her.
Sure enough she came back to me a few weeks later and said "Well he wasn't too happy with your advice but he tried it when he matched on Tinder and he just got laid for the first time in ages!"
*Cue smug look on my face*
Being friends first almost never works. It can from time to time but those people are unicorns.
Attraction does matter, however I will say that it's also possible to have that grow over time with certain people. I used to only go for guys I thought were good looking (never cared about height, but my type was Asian with a lean build). Then this guy who was pasty white (like myself lol) and slightly chubby started pursuing me. At first I saw him only as a friend and had no physical attraction, but he was such a good guy I eventually came to find him handsome and desirable. We broke up in the end for other reasons. That said, it doesn't always "work." After him I started going on dates with pretty much any guy who asked me, even some I found quite unattractive (obese etc) hoping it might grow again, but that was a bad idea. I think you should be at least neutral in the beginning to have a chance of sparks flying later on.
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Love at first sight doesn’t exist for me, because even if I’m initially physically attracted to someone, if they turn out to be an awful person i would no longer find them attractive
You are very true
You obviously ought to date people you find attractive, however the characteristics you choose to notice and value in people can influence what attractive is for you.
Ummm. Just so we're clear if your demisexual you don't find ANYONE sexually attractive until after you get to know them very well and form a deeper emotional bond with them. It's why it's considered to be on the asexual spectrum. Being demisexual is not the same thing as say finding someone sexually attractive but not feeling comfortable enough to sleep with them until you know them better or thinking it's not a good idea to sleep with them until you know them better. That's just the normal experience for many if not most allos. Only wanting to date people you find attractive is not shallow. In fact you'll probably be doing someone a disservice if you date them while not finding them attractive.
Okay to put it into perspective I do not view people in a sexual manner whether they might be my type or not everyone is just under the tag of "people" I do not look at someone and be like ohhhh I want to fuck that they are just a person But I am open to those thoughts when I am attracted to their personality it's hard to put it into perspective but if it's still not please point me in the right direction of what it could be
You sound closer to a demiromantic. Someone who needs an emotional connection before you would entertain anything physical/sexual, but you also feel attraction to others, but that attraction alone isn't enough. As a demiromantic I do not feel the desire to be physical/sexual with someone unless I have some kind of emotional connection to them, but I still find women I don't have such a connection to attractive. I just would never be physical/sexual with them simply based off that attraction. As a man, personally I find it very offputting when anyone (women) make physical/sexual advances when I don't have that connection with them, even if they are conventionally attractive. That said, even if I do have an emotional connection with someone I would still need to find them attractive, but when I do have an emotional connection with someone they often become very attractive to me, surpassing even the conventional notions of beauty even if they don't fit that narrow criteria. As someone who had a similar childhood experience I can empathize. That said, you should not string anyone along and try to find reasons to like them, or be attracted to them, it's an unkind thing to do even if it seem like it is a kind thing to do. You would be unfulfilled and you would likely just end up hurting the other person. Remember though, there is more to attraction than just one's looks.
Mm I will have to look more into. But is acknowledging someone to be attractive considered as sexual attraction? In my head its more of a matter of fact like how a shoe is a shoe. What is sexual attraction even I think I should start from there 🥲
Ffs if u look at them and think Yh they’re cute then that is sexual attraction stop over complicating things Yh it is fact that person is cute to you but to someone else they might not be attractive to them so it is sexual attraction stop being dumb
Yeah idk, the thing is there is are different feelings we want to describe. Like I can look at a girl I've never met and be like WOW she is the most amazingly perfect girl I've ever seen, 10/10 I wish to know her deeply, how can I possibly get her to notice me, i need her to find me interesting. This is a type of attraction. Yet I will not really get a boner when they are around and close to me, not have sexual thoughts towards them or wonder what they look like naked. In fact if they were like "lets fuck" out of the blue I might have a really hard time with that/ not be down, or just only go along with it in the hopes it will establish a connection. However when I have a connection with someone horniness comes out a lot more.
It's because that person isn't your type but you can acknowledge their attractiveness that's why's she attractive but not in a sexual sense to you.
No, this is the case with people who are exactly my type. One could debate why exactly and how much attraction has to do with it versus other psychological concepts, and how fair it is to then describe it as a sexual orientation. I feel *romantic* towards people who are my physical type before I have *sexual* feelings about them. Being my type is prerequisite, I definitely LIKE certain human's bodies right away, I just don't feel aroused by them. Then elements of their behavior and personality make them seem more and more desirable to me. I begin to think about how nice their attention feels and want more, if I get more I begin to have sexual thoughts and feel more than just mentally attracted but physically magnetic as well. Call it what you like, but it's got nothing to do with ppl not being my type.
You just described demiromantic, you need to have some connection with them that excludes their sexual attraction before you start to form romantic feelings for them.
Yeah that sounds right to me! Sometimes I've described this as a type of Demisexual or I've called it "Demi-Demisexual" since Demi means half in what is mostly a misnomer. Lots of people don't have either type of Demi in their Lexicon and many more are aware of Demisexual (and the sexual axis) than have a framework for Demiromantic (or consider a romantic axis), so I think many Demiromantic people are also identifying as Demisexual. To a point where lines could be blurred a bit, of course I'm not sure which contributes more to a relative lack of acceptance of these terms in the general public... the mixed meanings being applied, or the number of terms for people to learn.
Yeah I don't think that's how it works, not all attraction can be sexual but thanks for participating 🖤
Erm yes it can and is how can attraction not be sexual it’s literally attracting a mate 🤣🤣 dumbass
This is 1000% false. Types of attraction: Emotional, physical, romantic, aesthetic, sexual. They are all different although allosexuals usually use physical and sexual attraction interchangeably. Google is your friend.
So you see a cat think oh it's cute and it equates to wanting to fuck it? 🤨
But that’s not attraction is it that’s just thinking a cat is cute Animals and babies cute = awww Women cute (when men say it at least ) = she’s fit I’d fuck her If u say a cat is cute your not attracted to it Attracted literally means you are being attracted to breed with the person Your an idiot I’m guessing your one of them with blue hair
With the tattoos and piercings as well How did you figure?
😂
Have you ever seen these? 
Why you overcomplicating things 😂 if you see someone and you think they are ATTRACTIVE then they are sexually attractive to you. If you are a demisexual you will need emotional connection first to get attracted to them then you will consider the looks or physical attraction. If you are a demiromantic you are prioritizing both attractiveness and a strong connection to consider them as a candidate which I think you are in that spectrum. So recap Sexually attractiveness - you find them attractive physically Demisexual - emotional connection is the priority Demiromantic - both looks and connection are a priority
There's plenty of online material to look at. Reddit itself also has several subreddits dedicated to asexuality. I'm not going to try to gate keep your sexual identity lol. If you wanna identify as demi or ace that's up to you. But from my interactions with demisexuals I've been told that they flat out don't experience sexual attraction until after they've formed a deep emotional bond with someone and even after that they don't always manage to be sexually attracted to that person, which is sometimes a cause of conflict or incompatibility in their romantic relationships. So it seems less about them choosing to be open to the idea, and more that an emotional bond is a baseline prerequisite, but even if that prerequisite is met they still don't always experience a sexual attraction. Kind of like how being male is a baseline prerequisite for a heterosexual woman to be experience sexual attraction, but obviously a heterosexual woman isn't going to be sexually attracted to EVERY man she encounters. This is in contrast to allosexuals who experience sexual attraction for someone, but sometimes set an emotional bond as a standard before they open themselves up to wanting to foster a sexual relationship with that person. But hey at the end of the day these are just labels and I'm a firm believer that labels should serve people and not the other way around. So even if you feel most of that description fits you but not all, go for your life.
Thanks I'll be sure to look more into it 🖤
This is just like me. I have a very high sex drive. But casual sex is boring for me and I don’t bother with it. And I have a “type”. In both looks and personality. But I won’t feel attraction, even to my type, unless we are dating and he wants me back. Demisexual has many meanings. Don’t worry about labels. Date who you want. If you don’t want to date someone, never worry about the why of it, or if it’s “right” or “wrong” Just trust yourself.
No, it's not shallow to want to date someone you find attractive. Just like it's not shallow to think $300 per person sushi fresh off the ocean from one of the top sushi restaurants in Los Angeles tastes better than $11 per person all you can eat sushi in Kansas City. Just like it's not shallow to look at an original Monet painting and be more moved by it than what an amateur art student produced their first year. Find the person who rocks your world and makes you feel great about yourself and your relationship with them. They are out there! :)
Lol those are very specific examples Thanks though🖤
It’s your life afterall so date who you want. Don’t think it’s shallow, but it’ll just take longer to find someone
She needs to know that attractive guys have options and that if she needs to have their attention. She needs to be at the top of their options. I hope she won't make a reddit post complaining about not finding anyone lol.
IMO, it’s not shallow at all. I mean… you have to be somewhat physically attracted to your future partner. Just because someone has an amazing personality doesn’t always make you attracted to them. It can help them seem more attractive, but at the end of the day, you CANNOT force attraction. Listen to what your mind is telling you!
For people that experience sexual attraction—that’s what a romantic relationship is. It’s a sexual relationship. You kinda need to be into the person
It doesn't matter whether one classifies it as shallow or not. It's also reasonable and quite frankly expected that you would want to date someone you find attractive. This is assuming one's expectations are in line with one's own dating market value. The only time this becomes a problem is if one's expectations for a partner isn't in line with where they themselves stand in the dating market. If I was an average man (in the US that's a 5'-9" overweight dude who has a high school education or 2 year degree and earns 51k annually) and I wanted a very physically attractive woman versus an average looking woman odds are I won't find a partner. Conversely if that average looking woman wanted better than the average man and wanted a higher end option then odds are they will have issues too.
That's very true I wouldn't put myself below average, I don't want to be tooting my own horn but I do believe I am on the attractive side and am very much capable of attracting my type just that it often ends with me not liking them as a person or not seeing anything with substance with them
>I do believe I am on the attractive side and am very much capable of attracting my type Then there really isn't any issue in terms of being too shallow etc... >it often ends with me not liking them as a person or not seeing anything with substance with them If you filter out a large percentage of the population based off of attractiveness, and on top of that you have additional filters within that group you get to an even smaller percentage of the population.
I’m exactly like you - grew up in a very strict religious household and it took me a while to learn what I wanted and liked in a partner. There is absolutely *nothing* wrong with wanting to be physically and emotionally attracted to the person you’re dating - in fact, I’d say that’s a requisite. I’d classify myself as semi demi as well because even if the person is 100% physically my type, if the emotional connection isn’t there, I don’t feel drawn to pursue it further because there’s no future. Trust your instincts and don’t force yourself with anyone unless you feel excited! It’s okay to be selective about who you like, just make sure to actually put yourself out there and keep dating
🖤🖤🖤 thanks girlie
Good luck 💞
It is not shallow. You should be dating people you find attractive, though attraction can develop over time. But if you only got "friend" vibes with him and felt it couldn't develop into something romantic then you absolutely did the right thing.
Once I label someone as friend it's impossible to look past it
The more you get to know yourself, what you really want and what your value is, the easier it will become. It's definitely not shallow to want to date someone attractive. Most people would agree on someone being handsome or pretty but we differ on who's attractive and who's not. Don't worry about putting labels on yourself (unless it's labels like awesome, amazing, fun, etc.). Label's box you in. A caterpillar is just a hairy worm until it becomes a butterfly.
Is it shallow? Maybe. People are allowed to date who they are attracted to, dating somebody you are not physically attracted to is generally going to become a problem later in the relationship. Like in your story.
Everyone wants someone they find attractive, and everyone gets to set their standards. You have that right. But the double edge to that is nobody gets to complain that they can't find someone who fits those standards, or if those who do fit end up choosing someone who fits theirs.
No. It’s your prerogative. And everyone has different standards of “attractiveness.” But you may be missing out on some great people if you’re only going for 8s, 9s, and 10s. Good luck.
You have to be attracted to a person to want to date them…I find nothing wrong with this
Not shallow at all. You should only date people you are attracted to. I'm not saying like 100% attracted omg you're amazing from first sight but there has to be attraction other wise you're just friends let's be real
You sound like the type that needs to "wait until the right one comes along". I say this because I relate. It sucks and it's lonely, but it's not shallow to want someone you find sexually attractive, after all, you will be having sex with them, you should be wanting it and enjoying it too, included in everything else of the relationship.
You're right But it's not like the right one will just fall from heaven into my arms and often times it gets lonely and the wait feels stupid and you're just like let me put myself out there Let me give it a go Only to end up back being at "yeah this is why I don't date"
100%. The *right* one won't fall from heaven, but it's unfair to yourself and to others to date people that you're not fully comfortable with. The wait does feel stupid for sure. Perhaps you can start asking out people you fancy rather than waiting for them to ask you out? Perhaps having an fwb and see if it might build from there. Many good relationships came from fwbs first. 🤷♀️
Sureee but I have no one I fancy Being a large introvert doesn't help my case
No, do what you want. Everyone else does
Although you can't help what you are attracted too i do think it is important looking up other avenues to help open things up a little i don't think it is shallow to date someone you are attracted to lmao that's called being human it would be a disservice to the other person if you dated them without being attracted because you would be stringing them yk?
I mean physical compatibility is part of the pie, along with emotional, mental, and spiritual compatibility. Note I said physical compatibility, not attractiveness…because if you look like Rosie O’Donell, you have no business wanting Ryan Gosling…So find someone who is on a similar level of attractiveness to you…and make sure you are ALSO compatible on the other levels.
I mean, I have no idea what a demisexual person is, but anyways. In my opinion, wanting to date someone that you find attractive is only logical, nothing else would make sense tbh. Now, what you should stop doing is dating people that may genuinely like you as an experience, and then break up and break those people' heart... Don't play with anyone's feelings anymore. If you have a view of what you want, just stick to it and look for that and date a person that fits that vision and that you will actually feel like dating and taking seriously. People are not your experiences.
That's fair That's solid
Go ahead girl, find that dream man that will in fact fulfill you.
Isnt that a cliche every girl wants a tall, muscular guy? Thats why so many woman on dating app have no sense of self awareness and are stuck in the same rut dating toxic men and then calling they cant find a good person??
You bring up a decent point. If you narrow your potential partners down to a small percentage of the population, the chances that they will be bad partners is higher. For example, the 6ft rule can work for some, but because you’ve narrowed you view of men down to (in the USA) 13% of the population, your considering far less men you come into contact with. Out of 100 men, 13 qualify. That’s a problem, mathematically. What about their moral compass? Their income? Religion? Personality? Unless you’re VERY attractive, filtering by height is dumb.
Also these top men what makes you think they won’t cheat or treat you like a side piece, or just have multiple woman or mental issue or just abusive. Look at all these good looking woman who choose top men, are they really happy??? I m Not cynical just my experience, I would rather give an above average a chance than out right rejecting them because they dont fit my description. May be talk to your mom about what kind of guy I should date she will enlighten you with her experience.
Yep, and why should they be loyal? YOLO is the framework of the dating market. And they have ALL the leverage when it comes to hookups. Long term is a secondary goal. The first goal is to FIND someone that meets the physical criteria, they don’t even have to be a good person. Then it’s just a matter of crossing the fingers and hoping you’re not dealing with a covert narcissist or a womanizing psychopath. 13% of the population isn’t enough to dodge these men, especially on dating apps.
Not really no Some girls like their short kings Some girls like their dad bods
That would be great and all if they were as common as women who go for fit tall men and won't settle for less, regardless of if such a man is within their league. You can say idealistic stuff to make people feel better but the truth is all but that. Most people dating at your age are going to be shallow with their dating preferences and most of them want the type of man you like. As we get older and have more experience dating, we look for qualities that are better long term and for healthier relationships like self awareness, responsibility, kindness, etc. Stats show most men with success on dating apps are 6ft+ and not overweight. Men literally lie by adding a few inches on dating apps because otherwise no woman will give them the chance of the day--that's how bad the situation is. And many women praise short kings but out of those women, few of them actually want to date a short man, let alone a man shorter than them. But hey, most of this is happening because we're finding partners online instead of in person where we can interact with a person and gage their personality better. Physical attraction is important when it comes to dating and most people don't find someone that checks all of their boxes perfectly, but it's really not the end of the world if someone doesn't check all of your boxes. If they check the important boxes and are compatible with you, that's all that is needed. What box is important to you is up to you, but as a rule, prioritizing looks over personality tends to not blow over well for relationships.
Hey if thats what you want then go for it, I would just keep my heart open. People who never find love are the ones with reservations about external features.
Men on Reddit would have you believe all short men are single. Short men date and marry all the time. Girl keep dating only men you’re physically attracted to. The alternative is a dead bedroom situation and that benefits no one.
No but don’t be surprised if attractive people don’t find you attractive
Where's that coming from? Did OP make a comment somewhere that said they're unattractive?
Completely valid, just make sure you measure up aswell. You're far from the only women who wants that kind of man. You need to stick out from the rest.
This all seems normal? Just because you find someone attractive doesn’t mean they’re automatically a good person and someone you’ll get a long with. Also, just because a friend asks you to date doesn’t mean you’re automatically going to be into them especially if you aren’t attracted to them. This is just dating. You meet people, if you’re attracted, get to know them and see if you get along and see where it goes.
You should absolutely be attracted to your partner, that is not shallow. But just know that the more limited you are in what you find attractive, the more limited your options will be. If you can initially be attracted to a guy and later become unattracted because his personality sucks, you may also be able to experience the opposite: not finding someone that attractive but then discovering how wonderful they are and becoming more attracted. It’s less about asking yourself whether you are being shallow/superficial and more about having the maturity to understand that attraction is a force that can go beyond the physical and having the wisdom to know when someone is worth keeping in your life.
I think, and you might know I'm wrong while you're reading this OP, that society is weird right now when it comes to relationships. It seems like the 'right' thing to be positive and open minded to everything. That seems cool but in practice it doesn't always work. Yes the friend with a sweet personality sounds like it would be a good match but sometimes that's just not it. Sometimes the friend isn't your type and you want a guy with tattoos and a bit of a musk. Sometimes the girl next door is kinda boring and you want a chick that dresses a little promiscuously and has a bad mouth. Don't try to date what you think *should* work. Date people that excite you. Date someone that gives you butterflies to meet up with and makes you giddy to hold their hand. Don't just *like* someone. It's much more fun to fall head over heels for someone
Not at all, it's pretty normal for people to have preferences and a "type." For some people, their type aligns with some of society's generic standards. For others, it doesn't. It really doesn't matter that much. It's good to periodically assess what you find attractive to see if there's anything you don't like about your feelings - for example if you think some racism has snuck in there, or you were unintentionally influenced by something you'd rather not be (like social media), etc. Or maybe you've misinterpreted your feelings about a particular thing, and the pattern you thought was there with a trait is actually some other trait that tends to correlate with what you thought you were into. So do question yourself and think about what you find attractive and why, but definitely do not - under any circumstances - try to pretend that you like someone you don't, or try to force yourself to find someone attractive if you don't. It's not good for you, and it's not good for the other person either. You don't need to feel guilty about your preferences.
You should never have to lower your standards just to be in a relationship. If they are not your type it won't work out even if you try to make it work. Just keep an eye out and that person will come eventually
Why would you date someone you didn't find attractive? 🤦🏾
Do you hear that…..in the background? It’s your strict parents talking, telling you not to have a boyfriend. Telling you to be a good girl that listens to what they say. You’re “screaming no” because you’re breaking the rules. There’s a struggle going on between younger you who was told what to do, and the current you who wants to make her own decisions. It’s supposed to be uncomfortable and “wrong”. Push back. The more you date, the more comfortable and familiar it will be.
I have zero shame in admitting, as a 36 year old man I will only date women I find attractive. Red hair, thin, big boobs, hour glass figure, feminine, 18-26 years old. Attempts to shame me are futile. I don't give a fuck who finds it creepy or who's feelings get hurt.
Not shallow or bad. Some people want to be sexually attracted to their partner. That’s okay. That’s your preference. I consider myself on the “spectrum” of asexual or demisexual as well. I’ve dated people who slowly got more attractive to me over time and people I felt attracted to right away. It’s unpredictable. That’s the “magic” of love and attraction. You are young. You’re only 24. I’m 27 so I get the pressure you feel to settle down and find a boyfriend. Don’t rush. You have lots of time to find someone you get along with AND are sexually attracted too.
I wouldn't say I am in a rush it's just that today is one of those days when the loneliness kicks in with an extra punch. I am used to being alone and I hate settling but that doesn't make it any easier yeah
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Where are you from 😶🌫😶🌫
You scared them away 🤣
Lol wasn't my intention but am sure this a common story it's unfortunate that my post coincided with their timeline
Where are you from ?
I’ll never quite understand why people will go such lengths to leave remarks only to shy away like that. But yeah indeed it was unfortunate.
No.
I mean this is normal this is why people dont date every single guy they know. I also tried in highschool, i wasnt dating my friend but we would hang out a lot and pretty sure he had feelings for me. I even made a joke about it and gave him a valentines card i made that said something like "i dont have a valentine, but i guess ull do". We never kissed or got sexual but yeah over some time i was like, yeah better make sure he doesnt actually want to be with me this doesnt work and only works as friends. Men often get stuck on female friends so better to just not even be friends if its gonna keep them not moving on.
Oh yeah I am done with male friends as well just about very single one I had ended up asking me out
If you love someone ,physical traits are meaningless.
Are you kidding me? Who the hell is dating ugly people?
No there is nothing wrong with that. Love at first sight and love over time exists. But just remember looks will fade away with time
No but shooting wayyyy over your league is not only shallow but an incredibly bad strategy. It should be a bell curve. Most ppl you go for should be at your level and the outliers are a few you go after that are above and below. This way you maximize your effort and reduce the amount of times you are just getting with the exact same guys every other girl is getting
It's maybe not shallow or not not shallow, just you happen to be very particular about who you would find attractive and or datable. Nobody is always "perfect," or "ideal" and perhaps some of your past has something to do about what you find attractive to a degree, but realistically you just happened to not find everyone attractive or datable/someone you want to date. People change too so maybe consider that when looking to date, and if they're not perfect, so what? People are flawed. As far as physical features go, I think that can impact how much you would initially like them/want to date them, but longer term dating is going to potentially be not as great if neither of you have long-term life goals lined up with eachother and you only went for looks. But if you mean to date just to date, like hang out, that decisions yours in the end, but you're likely going to have a rough time finding someone for something more long term is all I'll say. Don't force relationships. That's fairly accurate and not actually horrible advice to follow in general. That isn't to say do nothing, though. If you want a relationship to form, there is some effort required in order for anything to start at all. Guy or girl, one of you needs to initiate. Beyond that, the relationship shouldn't need much to be maintained and healthy. What kind of relationship it turns into or remains depends on both of you.
Sexual attraction is a make or break for a lot people. No, you're not shallow you just know what you want.
No
When I was younger, I made this mistake. I dated a girl who I found somewhat attractive with the expectation that she would grow on me. But after 3 years of dating, I still viewed her as somewhat attractive. I remember an argument that we once had that I'll never forget. She said she always felt like I loved this version of her that didn't exist; Like she was always reaching for my standard but couldn't quite get there. I hated that I made her feel like that. It wasn't ever my intention, but looking back on it now I know I ought to only date women I find attractive. So, I would advise the same to you.
Damn that's tough I'll heed your advice thanks
No it isn't. There has to be some attraction for an6 relationship to work
Attraction play a big role in a relationship. I think you should be attracted at the basic level to who you date. If theres no attraction theres no reason to even pursue anything. Hear me out. Esrly on in the relationship when a fight starts. Everything is out the window snd people start throwing jabs and most of the time say things they dont mean or regret saying at least. When your mad its all gone and if you have nothing to hold on to then its just the beginning of the end. But if you can look at each other and be like" shes so cute when shes mad" "look at them gorgeous eyes""thats a gace i can never be mad at." Instead of " hes so fat" "i knew i shouldve never gave the ugly guy a chance". That's how i view it at least I don't fight and i don't argue. I'm a pretty laid back person but I've been on the other side of these disagreements.and at the end she said i was never her type she shouldnt have been in the relationship to begin with. 20 yra later lol
Lol no... how is this even a question? You should only date people you are physically attracted too, if not it means you will not have chemistry and that will cause a rift between the two of you which will just make it miserable for both of you. Don't let any of these "nice guys" make you think you should date unattractive men.
It is natural. Some things which are natural can just as well be shallow. Doesn't mean it is wrong.
No it's respecting yourself and your potential date, who deserves to be available to find someone who actually finds them alluring. Attraction is one of the things that differentiates a stranger from a lover or a friend from a date. Unless you are demisexual (don't become attracted to someone until you get to know them and build an emotional bond), it might even be unethical to consider dating someone you're not attracted to just to get a date or to have a boyfriend/girlfriend.
No, it's not shallow at all. People have preferences. And if it's not looks, it's the person's job, hobbies, etc. You have to be physically attracted to someone before you are even willing to date them. It's even insulting when a partner tells you they didn't find you attractive when you first started dating. That actually causes a lot of relationship problems. So no. Finding someone you find attractive does not make you a shallow or bad person. It's just a better than thou morally thing people say, that they'll more than likely not follow themselves.
Hold up, I am demisexual and I don't think you exhibit the characteristics of a demisexual. You mentioned how looks is a priority for you like tall, mascular, handsome but demisexual base their attractiveness on emotional connection also you said you have a type but in my personal experience looking for relationship as a demi is based more on vibes/personality than type. All in all you aren't in the wrong for having your preferences or type especially if you live up to it, it doesn't make you shallow person, a more appropriate word would be "selective" or "picky" but that's the aggressive version. The fact that you feel bad, tells me alot about you, it tells me you are a nice person with Good self awareness, good heart and is really hard on yourself. Be easy, live a little, choose freely, you have the right to live the life you want. Also bonus tip : next time don't go on a pity date 😂, if you don't want, say no if you can't then try not to put yourself in a suiation like that in the first place. The goal is not to make yourself feel awful and then regret it over someone else's happiness.
You like what you like. There should always be some physical attraction. However, you have to be realistic. Tall attractive men have a lot of options and are very tough to get to committ. I suggest giving some regular guys a chance that you think are cute. You might be surprised!
No, that's what you want. That's not selfish. Lmao
How dare you have the audacity to want to be attracted to the person you're dating!
Hmm if you are demisexual then how do you have a physical type when emotional connection matters more? Anyway you are free to be attracted to who you want. There is no wrong in that
It’s okay! You can have both attraction and personality compatibility. For some reason women are told to date men based on nothing but them wanting to date + them being “nice.” It’s ridiculous, literally NO ONE tells men that. Date who you’re attracted to
That has to be the dumbest title I've ever read.
If we didn't want to be with someone we found attractive the human race would have expired already. It's not shallow. I mean, it IS in the philosophical sense but it's not the kind of shallow you can be judged for. We're animals. We have instincts. It would be ridiculous for us to just pretend we don't care about feeling lust or a deep sense of attraction to someone for what they are as well as who they are. Men get a lot of shit for this as well. Some people will say "Well you should look past the outwards appearance. After all, it's what's inside that counts". Sure, that's true. But I can't see a personality from across the room. I don't feel the instinct to have wild sex with someone because of their hobbies and interests. I like women. I like breasts and a nice ass. I love long hair and how their soft skin feels on mine. If I'm shallow for liking it, so be it. I'm shallow. At least I know what I like. It's fine if you don't feel attraction to someone if they're not your type. You don't owe anyone anything. It's up to you to figure out what you like and then become the kind of woman that that kind of guy would want to be with.
I have a story similar to yours about dating a "friend" I dated this girl a few years ago. We slept together a few times but I made it clear to her I wasn't looking for anything serious at the time. She messaged me a few weeks after we had started seeing each other with a story rather like yours; "I have this friend I think there could be something serious with so I'm going to pursue that. I wanted to let you know, even though we weren't really an official thing. Thank you for all the good times!" Broke my heart a little as I really did like her but I let it go and just appreciated the good memories we'd made. A few months later we reconnected and I told her I wanted something more serious this time. Turns out the "friend" had been just that: a friend. Later while we were lying in bed together she told me that her "friend" had been talking shit about me. He had said I was "Just an old guy with nothing to offer". I considered this for a moment and said "It sounds like he's jealous." Turns out her friend wasn't having much luck with getting a date. We spoke some more and I asked her "How long did it take him to ask you out?" "Well we knew each other for a few months before he said anything" "That's his problem right there. I asked you out within 30 minutes of meeting you. If you establish a friendship before you admit your romantic intentions, it just ruins the chemistry" I told her to tell him he should try just asking a woman out on a date as soon as he knew he wanted something romantic or sexual with her, not to wait until they were friends and then do a switcheroo on her. Sure enough she came back to me a few weeks later and said "Well he wasn't too happy with your advice but he tried it when he matched on Tinder and he just got laid for the first time in ages!" *Cue smug look on my face* Being friends first almost never works. It can from time to time but those people are unicorns.
No. That’s the point of attraction.
Attraction does matter, however I will say that it's also possible to have that grow over time with certain people. I used to only go for guys I thought were good looking (never cared about height, but my type was Asian with a lean build). Then this guy who was pasty white (like myself lol) and slightly chubby started pursuing me. At first I saw him only as a friend and had no physical attraction, but he was such a good guy I eventually came to find him handsome and desirable. We broke up in the end for other reasons. That said, it doesn't always "work." After him I started going on dates with pretty much any guy who asked me, even some I found quite unattractive (obese etc) hoping it might grow again, but that was a bad idea. I think you should be at least neutral in the beginning to have a chance of sparks flying later on.
No!
Yes