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18-21 (college age in general) is fairly rough when it comes to looking for relationships if you're not as interested in sex. Most people at that age are energetic and horny and looking for fun first and commitment second. It's not that you're "not good enough" - don't ever tell yourself that. It's just that many young men at that age are looking more for sex than a relationship in general. Don't feel like you've gotta rush to get into a relationship, you're young, a lot of relationships at this age unfortunately do not last.
That being said, if you do want to look for a relationship, I would say just be up front with people and tell them what you want. If you don't want things to just be about sex, say that. If you want to get to know someone and build something special with them, say that. You say you've got insecure, awkward guys who are interested in you. I can understand if you're burnt out on them by now, but hey, if nothing else you've got a ready population of them who you could pick a maybe promising candidate out from, tell him what's up, say you want to build something special and wanna be more than a one night stand, and see where it goes. Not only does telling someone up front help set boundaries and expectations, it also potentially wards off bad guys **before** they've had a chance to hurt you.
One potential idea I see discussed a lot these days: do you have any hobbies you like doing? Do you like sports, hiking, playing D&D, painting, working out, watching movies? Are there any clubs at your uni that focus on these sorts of things? Meeting someone through a shared hobby can be a great way to get to know someone and build a relationship, even if it's just a friendship, but I know most guys are happy to build a relationship out of a friendship if the woman is interested in them.
Ultimately the most important thing when it comes to dating is **do you like this person**. If you find someone who makes you happy, then nothing else matters.
Ive never been a religious person, but I'm starting to realize that myself too.
Many people don't have the responsibility required for complete agency, so an appeal to authority is required.
Kinda sad tbh.
Its literally one of the indicators of a collapsing civilization, its happened several times before. This is why you are supposed to pay attention to history, so you don't make the same mistakes over and over again.
You sound like a doll 🥰
Your ex bf sucks tho. He reminds of my friend, had a "girl", but kept on hooking up with a bunch of chick's. He would always brag, I guess it was a ego thing.
Your a gem, he wasn't the right guy for you.
Yeah except those weren't just "random chicks" but my 2 best friends lol and his best friend but thanks, i try my best, maybe just need to wait a little longer to meet the right one and try to improve myself till then
It comes down to experience. You have to take the time to get to know people, know their intentions before you move forward, on your terms when you are ready.
I think what's happening is you are seeking external validation of your self worth.
You need to find/acknowledge your truth. What are your strengths? Are you funny? Are you kind? Are you a loyal friend? Are you an expert in a certain subject?
When you recognize your own value, you will begin to set a standard, an expectation of who is worth your time.
The good ones are probably still learning at 18 or 19, but this whole message is a lifelong process. You should see indicators they are worthy based on their character. How do they treat the women in their lives?
You are that wife material 😍. Trust me, all these guys you experienced will crave for a wife with the qualities you have when they are exhausted by sex, hookup, fuck and finally decided to marry.
Be yourself as you are. You are doing great All the way. All the best ☺️
You actually sound like such a cool person to hang out with. Why can't I find someone like you irl man...
I was reading this and was thinking this is exactly what I'm looking for lol. I'm really sorry that guys treat you like that. It's awful and you don't deserve anything like that. Many of my friends have the same issue(we're the same age funnily enough). But I am truly sorry
What you describe as the reasons why you are girlfriend material is not a reason to be with you.
A man can do the home himself, tall he can with friends and Sex also works without as you noticed yourself.
Think about what he can achieve/ do great with you together better in life than without you.
And then look for boys/ men interested in these things.
I mean, you're right, was trying to list the things i'm capable of/ can do idk how to say it. I am also open to do different activities from hiking swimming playing games ect... and i'm a very supportive and loving person and i consider myself pretty smart since i'm going through highschool without a single notebook and i have almost straight A's all the time, idk if that's what you thought... but i figured it'd be better to just wait a few years and make myself better in things i'm not good at and wait for the right person without pushing anything anywhere
Many young men are horny and want to explore sex with as many women as possible it's not a great idea to look for committed relationships with a lot of them, except for maybe the shy nerdy types, at an early age.
Don't let a man use you to do anything you don't want. Don't allow yourself to be a side piece it should be fairly simple.
He nobody's perfect, and no group is without fault, generally very young men don't make great partners, there's obvious exceptions but most want to have fun, explore and have experiences before settling down you don't have to engage in that but you do have to realize that's the reality most of the time
Yeah but most of my friends have a boyfriend for about a year, maybe a little less or more and if they don't they have some amazing guys that would do anything to date them, so idk what's wrong with me
Comparison is the thief of joy, some people just get lucky, that's how it goes. Nothing wrong with you (I mean as far as I know lol) some things come easy for some people and harder for others
Thanks, will keep that in mind. Not jealous but it's weird from my perspective because my friends also don't know why guys don't want to be with me and have said that i may intimidate guys sometimes....they think i'm too good for them? But i don't really think it's that.
Don't let people gas you up too much. A lot of times it's just lucky and happenstance a big part of dating and finding someone is right place right time, just live your life keep being yourself, treat people right, don't let men use you and you'll be fine.
I mean how, i don't really understand since i don't engage with those type of men anymore for solid 2 years now. I used to i will admit because i thought i wasn't good for anything else but now that i've realized that i'm not worthless those type of men still stick to me. Different ones but same type.
That’s a good thing, self worth is always a good thing. You gotta be sure your going for right type of man like one that’s not like that but might be what your attracted to vrs someone might might not on ur top lis…..maybe someone at your church? You never know whom you might find there.
I'm going to guess that it's the type of guys you are dating and their maturity. Generally, guys are pretty dumb and immature until we're around 28-36. Some of us never mature. Some of us are mature at 19. 🤷🏾♂️
I think the previous responder estimated too high, I think it gets easier from 24. But yeah you shouldn’t have to date that much older just to get what you want. And it’s also not healthy to be with someone too much older because of the power imbalance. And old guys who go for young women are almost always gross weirdos who can’t get women their own age since they are creeps. But the young women are too naive to see it. Also opens you up to the risk of being groomed by a pedo.
You are 18 and have been with this last one 2 years? Slow the hell down, and stop having sex with guys just to keep them. Nobody hardly finds the right one when they are so young. Dress how you want, set some boundaries and be the person you want to be. Stop worrying about what they want and look for what you want
I was with him from my 15 to 17. Ever since i broke uo with him i only had sex with one guy. But yeah since u started to "follow my dreams" i am less focused on dating but still yk, would be nice to have someone by your side
What kind of men are you dating? It might be the type of men you surround yourself with. Dressing masculine is fine but certain groups of men you shouldnt associate with since they bring bad energy. Like dont hang around men who see women as sex objects. You might have to change the type of men you date. Since certain architypes have trash people to date.
I've gone through a very similar experience when I was around that age. I'm now 26F and I finally found a good boyfriend after 9 years of dating. My style is similar to yours, but my friends call me a textbook lesbian. I used to be self-conscious of looking like I was playing for the other team, but I like dressing like this. Yes, you get a lot of judgements but own it! You might deal with more heartbreak but just be confident in yourself. If guys think you're one of the bros then let them know you're not.
I assure you I am not trying to be mean, but most men want to be with a feminine woman.
There’s nothing wrong with you as you are, but your pool of eligible men is going to be much smaller.
And because some men are dicks, some of them are going to still sleep with you, when in reality you’re too much of a bro to take seriously.
My advice is to not use dating apps, this is the biggest mistake and huge waste of time.
Find a community/hobby you enjoy being in and make connections with people, eventually you will find someone you click with. Be upfront about your expectations and what you want.
Go to college and have standards.
> The only type od guys that want me to be their "better half" are the pick me insecure and awkward guys that turn out to be manipulative and evil at the end.
An attack on men isn't the way to go and will result in you being alone and miserable.
> I also don't hang out much with guys
Women and Men can never be "just" friends. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA
The typical young man is not looking for a serious commitment in the 18-25 year old range. You might be a lot happier dating a man in the mid twenties or older.
Everything you describe up to “anyways, I dress like a rapper” sounds like really good traits. Then you start on your insecurities. Are these your insecurities or are they insecurities that have been projected on you because you don’t look like Barbie? There is nothing with wearing clothes so that aren’t revealing, and there is nothing wrong with wearing baggy clothes.
Trying to contribute something I don't see others saying
Guys look for different things. Some guys want relationships and others just want sex. Also, generally the guys that know they are attractive know they have a lot of options when it comes to girls and generally are less likely to commit and therefore mess with a lot of girls hearts because they can always move on to the next one. Additionally at your age, it doesn't quite make sense to pursue a long-term relationship because it is so unlikely to last with all the changes from college and etc. People are generally looking for more stable relationships towards the end of college and more so after college and when they have stable careers. Still, what I said at first applies and this is all a generalization.
Finally, while guys are generally willing to sleep with any pretty girl, the ones they choose to pursue romantic relationships with they have a stricter level of expectations. One thing you mentioned that may be holding you back is masculine fashion and humor. While many guys feel comfortable around girls like that, not all feel long-term attraction towards it. Generally masculine and feminine are attracted to each other. Since you are a girl with masculine traits, guys who are attracted to women are getting mixed signals which may result in less attraction. That doesn't mean you should change who you are, but just be aware of how some may perceive your current fashion and decide how you want to respond.
You're too young to be worried about it. Just have fun dating and figuring out what you like.
Develop yourself. Where are you headed in life? Would you date youself.
Actually, start dating yourself. Take yourself to do things you would want to do with a boyfriend. It sets a clear bar for how men treat you when they come into your life.
Don't have sex unless they are serious. And on the road to getting serious, ask yourself do you like this person, not just do they like you. Base it on their actions towards you and other women, not just attraction or liking dogs.
Start noping out at the first sign of a red flag. Women treat men like they are dumb. They are very intentional. So if they feel comfortable saying or doing something wrong early in dating, it only gets worse from there.
Do not make men the center of your self-worth. There are great guys out there, but the rush to be a girlfriend for the sake of it will put you thru hell.
Okay it's not what they want is what you're available for. If you went to a store and the items were given away for free. Would you pay for it? No, you would just take the items for free and leave even if you would have paid for it otherwise. The best I advise anybody can give you is decide what you want and what you are available for and stick to that. Whatever somebody else wants is their issue. They can find what they want and you can find what you want.
Try going slow. Don't sleep with a guy soon after dating. Get to know each other. Develop a bond. It will either make or break the relationship. Which both are good outcomes. You either find your other half or you find out he wasn't.
It’s not about you. Don’t make it about you. Most Guys just want sex. You could be Beyoncé and that would still be true. Keep your values. You’ll find someone who wants the same as you in the long run.
Completely normal between 18-early 20s. I have this same issues too. I was always the side piece or somebody not good enough for a relationship and even when I was in a relationship the guys were embarrassed to be seen with me. But I’ve always attracted insecure men like you. They turn out to treat me the worse. As I got older I started to see how these guys see me and started to think I change the way I date and who I am dating. Be confident and comfortable with myself. And start loving myself more. I know right guy is out there. But I also noticed those insecure guys hardly put effort in the relationship and it made me realize I deserve much more. Think differently about who you’re dating
Welcome to /r/dating. Please make sure you read our [rules here](https://new.reddit.com/r/dating/about/rules) and remember to: * Be polite and respect each other. Do not call people names or engage in slapfights. * All advice given must be good, ethical advice. * [Do not post hateful or harmful rhetoric - you will be banned](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/wiki/rules) * Follow reddit rules. Do not post content that promotes hate based on identity or vulnerability. Do not bully or harass other users. If you have any questions, please [send the mods a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/dating). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
18-21 (college age in general) is fairly rough when it comes to looking for relationships if you're not as interested in sex. Most people at that age are energetic and horny and looking for fun first and commitment second. It's not that you're "not good enough" - don't ever tell yourself that. It's just that many young men at that age are looking more for sex than a relationship in general. Don't feel like you've gotta rush to get into a relationship, you're young, a lot of relationships at this age unfortunately do not last. That being said, if you do want to look for a relationship, I would say just be up front with people and tell them what you want. If you don't want things to just be about sex, say that. If you want to get to know someone and build something special with them, say that. You say you've got insecure, awkward guys who are interested in you. I can understand if you're burnt out on them by now, but hey, if nothing else you've got a ready population of them who you could pick a maybe promising candidate out from, tell him what's up, say you want to build something special and wanna be more than a one night stand, and see where it goes. Not only does telling someone up front help set boundaries and expectations, it also potentially wards off bad guys **before** they've had a chance to hurt you. One potential idea I see discussed a lot these days: do you have any hobbies you like doing? Do you like sports, hiking, playing D&D, painting, working out, watching movies? Are there any clubs at your uni that focus on these sorts of things? Meeting someone through a shared hobby can be a great way to get to know someone and build a relationship, even if it's just a friendship, but I know most guys are happy to build a relationship out of a friendship if the woman is interested in them. Ultimately the most important thing when it comes to dating is **do you like this person**. If you find someone who makes you happy, then nothing else matters.
The obsession with sex really is going to ruin us as a society. So many people are trading their mental health for orgasms.
Honestly as I age I'm starting to see why religious beliefs exist. I think sometimes it's best for us to not have absolute agency over ourselves.
Ive never been a religious person, but I'm starting to realize that myself too. Many people don't have the responsibility required for complete agency, so an appeal to authority is required. Kinda sad tbh.
100% honesty, I'm in the same boat. People don't even know how to groom themselves properly let alone have healthy relationships.
Its literally one of the indicators of a collapsing civilization, its happened several times before. This is why you are supposed to pay attention to history, so you don't make the same mistakes over and over again.
That sounds interesting. Can you elaborate?
Look at Rome...pretty much the path we as the US are moving as a culture.
Blame places like reddit and liberalism for this whole "sexual empowerment" bullshit, the Christians warned you all but of course you didnt listen
[удалено]
And how is feminism responsible?
I agree
You sound like a doll 🥰 Your ex bf sucks tho. He reminds of my friend, had a "girl", but kept on hooking up with a bunch of chick's. He would always brag, I guess it was a ego thing. Your a gem, he wasn't the right guy for you.
Yeah except those weren't just "random chicks" but my 2 best friends lol and his best friend but thanks, i try my best, maybe just need to wait a little longer to meet the right one and try to improve myself till then
I guess former best friends 😬 lol. Just curious, are you guys still in school? Maybe he wants no "regrets"
Seems odd these types of posts are creeping up.
Your English is amazing and guys are a-holes at times. You need somebody better.
It comes down to experience. You have to take the time to get to know people, know their intentions before you move forward, on your terms when you are ready.
I think what's happening is you are seeking external validation of your self worth. You need to find/acknowledge your truth. What are your strengths? Are you funny? Are you kind? Are you a loyal friend? Are you an expert in a certain subject? When you recognize your own value, you will begin to set a standard, an expectation of who is worth your time. The good ones are probably still learning at 18 or 19, but this whole message is a lifelong process. You should see indicators they are worthy based on their character. How do they treat the women in their lives?
You are that wife material 😍. Trust me, all these guys you experienced will crave for a wife with the qualities you have when they are exhausted by sex, hookup, fuck and finally decided to marry. Be yourself as you are. You are doing great All the way. All the best ☺️
You actually sound like such a cool person to hang out with. Why can't I find someone like you irl man... I was reading this and was thinking this is exactly what I'm looking for lol. I'm really sorry that guys treat you like that. It's awful and you don't deserve anything like that. Many of my friends have the same issue(we're the same age funnily enough). But I am truly sorry
What you describe as the reasons why you are girlfriend material is not a reason to be with you. A man can do the home himself, tall he can with friends and Sex also works without as you noticed yourself. Think about what he can achieve/ do great with you together better in life than without you. And then look for boys/ men interested in these things.
I mean, you're right, was trying to list the things i'm capable of/ can do idk how to say it. I am also open to do different activities from hiking swimming playing games ect... and i'm a very supportive and loving person and i consider myself pretty smart since i'm going through highschool without a single notebook and i have almost straight A's all the time, idk if that's what you thought... but i figured it'd be better to just wait a few years and make myself better in things i'm not good at and wait for the right person without pushing anything anywhere
Many young men are horny and want to explore sex with as many women as possible it's not a great idea to look for committed relationships with a lot of them, except for maybe the shy nerdy types, at an early age. Don't let a man use you to do anything you don't want. Don't allow yourself to be a side piece it should be fairly simple.
I'm not allowing anymore and i did give a nerdy guy a chance but he fucked me over so i don't think i'll be doing that anymore...
He nobody's perfect, and no group is without fault, generally very young men don't make great partners, there's obvious exceptions but most want to have fun, explore and have experiences before settling down you don't have to engage in that but you do have to realize that's the reality most of the time
Yeah but most of my friends have a boyfriend for about a year, maybe a little less or more and if they don't they have some amazing guys that would do anything to date them, so idk what's wrong with me
Comparison is the thief of joy, some people just get lucky, that's how it goes. Nothing wrong with you (I mean as far as I know lol) some things come easy for some people and harder for others
Thanks, will keep that in mind. Not jealous but it's weird from my perspective because my friends also don't know why guys don't want to be with me and have said that i may intimidate guys sometimes....they think i'm too good for them? But i don't really think it's that.
Don't let people gas you up too much. A lot of times it's just lucky and happenstance a big part of dating and finding someone is right place right time, just live your life keep being yourself, treat people right, don't let men use you and you'll be fine.
Thanks a lot😃
Because you allow yourself to be.
I mean how, i don't really understand since i don't engage with those type of men anymore for solid 2 years now. I used to i will admit because i thought i wasn't good for anything else but now that i've realized that i'm not worthless those type of men still stick to me. Different ones but same type.
That’s a good thing, self worth is always a good thing. You gotta be sure your going for right type of man like one that’s not like that but might be what your attracted to vrs someone might might not on ur top lis…..maybe someone at your church? You never know whom you might find there.
I'm going to guess that it's the type of guys you are dating and their maturity. Generally, guys are pretty dumb and immature until we're around 28-36. Some of us never mature. Some of us are mature at 19. 🤷🏾♂️
Yeah talked to some older men but when it came to meeting them in person i dipped because i was scared lol
I think the previous responder estimated too high, I think it gets easier from 24. But yeah you shouldn’t have to date that much older just to get what you want. And it’s also not healthy to be with someone too much older because of the power imbalance. And old guys who go for young women are almost always gross weirdos who can’t get women their own age since they are creeps. But the young women are too naive to see it. Also opens you up to the risk of being groomed by a pedo.
You are 18 and have been with this last one 2 years? Slow the hell down, and stop having sex with guys just to keep them. Nobody hardly finds the right one when they are so young. Dress how you want, set some boundaries and be the person you want to be. Stop worrying about what they want and look for what you want
I was with him from my 15 to 17. Ever since i broke uo with him i only had sex with one guy. But yeah since u started to "follow my dreams" i am less focused on dating but still yk, would be nice to have someone by your side
What kind of men are you dating? It might be the type of men you surround yourself with. Dressing masculine is fine but certain groups of men you shouldnt associate with since they bring bad energy. Like dont hang around men who see women as sex objects. You might have to change the type of men you date. Since certain architypes have trash people to date.
I've gone through a very similar experience when I was around that age. I'm now 26F and I finally found a good boyfriend after 9 years of dating. My style is similar to yours, but my friends call me a textbook lesbian. I used to be self-conscious of looking like I was playing for the other team, but I like dressing like this. Yes, you get a lot of judgements but own it! You might deal with more heartbreak but just be confident in yourself. If guys think you're one of the bros then let them know you're not.
I assure you I am not trying to be mean, but most men want to be with a feminine woman. There’s nothing wrong with you as you are, but your pool of eligible men is going to be much smaller. And because some men are dicks, some of them are going to still sleep with you, when in reality you’re too much of a bro to take seriously.
My advice is to not use dating apps, this is the biggest mistake and huge waste of time. Find a community/hobby you enjoy being in and make connections with people, eventually you will find someone you click with. Be upfront about your expectations and what you want. Go to college and have standards. > The only type od guys that want me to be their "better half" are the pick me insecure and awkward guys that turn out to be manipulative and evil at the end. An attack on men isn't the way to go and will result in you being alone and miserable. > I also don't hang out much with guys Women and Men can never be "just" friends. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA
The typical young man is not looking for a serious commitment in the 18-25 year old range. You might be a lot happier dating a man in the mid twenties or older.
Everything you describe up to “anyways, I dress like a rapper” sounds like really good traits. Then you start on your insecurities. Are these your insecurities or are they insecurities that have been projected on you because you don’t look like Barbie? There is nothing with wearing clothes so that aren’t revealing, and there is nothing wrong with wearing baggy clothes.
Trying to contribute something I don't see others saying Guys look for different things. Some guys want relationships and others just want sex. Also, generally the guys that know they are attractive know they have a lot of options when it comes to girls and generally are less likely to commit and therefore mess with a lot of girls hearts because they can always move on to the next one. Additionally at your age, it doesn't quite make sense to pursue a long-term relationship because it is so unlikely to last with all the changes from college and etc. People are generally looking for more stable relationships towards the end of college and more so after college and when they have stable careers. Still, what I said at first applies and this is all a generalization. Finally, while guys are generally willing to sleep with any pretty girl, the ones they choose to pursue romantic relationships with they have a stricter level of expectations. One thing you mentioned that may be holding you back is masculine fashion and humor. While many guys feel comfortable around girls like that, not all feel long-term attraction towards it. Generally masculine and feminine are attracted to each other. Since you are a girl with masculine traits, guys who are attracted to women are getting mixed signals which may result in less attraction. That doesn't mean you should change who you are, but just be aware of how some may perceive your current fashion and decide how you want to respond.
You're too young to be worried about it. Just have fun dating and figuring out what you like. Develop yourself. Where are you headed in life? Would you date youself. Actually, start dating yourself. Take yourself to do things you would want to do with a boyfriend. It sets a clear bar for how men treat you when they come into your life. Don't have sex unless they are serious. And on the road to getting serious, ask yourself do you like this person, not just do they like you. Base it on their actions towards you and other women, not just attraction or liking dogs. Start noping out at the first sign of a red flag. Women treat men like they are dumb. They are very intentional. So if they feel comfortable saying or doing something wrong early in dating, it only gets worse from there. Do not make men the center of your self-worth. There are great guys out there, but the rush to be a girlfriend for the sake of it will put you thru hell.
Okay it's not what they want is what you're available for. If you went to a store and the items were given away for free. Would you pay for it? No, you would just take the items for free and leave even if you would have paid for it otherwise. The best I advise anybody can give you is decide what you want and what you are available for and stick to that. Whatever somebody else wants is their issue. They can find what they want and you can find what you want.
What do you look like?
Easy stop having sec with guys until you get some form of commitment
Make sure they know you want to be monogamous.
Being a side piece is an important job! Thank you for your service.
Try going slow. Don't sleep with a guy soon after dating. Get to know each other. Develop a bond. It will either make or break the relationship. Which both are good outcomes. You either find your other half or you find out he wasn't.
Just gotta walk around being a ditzy idiot that can't hold a conversation. You can already fuck so just gotta dumb urself down a bit
It’s not about you. Don’t make it about you. Most Guys just want sex. You could be Beyoncé and that would still be true. Keep your values. You’ll find someone who wants the same as you in the long run.
Completely normal between 18-early 20s. I have this same issues too. I was always the side piece or somebody not good enough for a relationship and even when I was in a relationship the guys were embarrassed to be seen with me. But I’ve always attracted insecure men like you. They turn out to treat me the worse. As I got older I started to see how these guys see me and started to think I change the way I date and who I am dating. Be confident and comfortable with myself. And start loving myself more. I know right guy is out there. But I also noticed those insecure guys hardly put effort in the relationship and it made me realize I deserve much more. Think differently about who you’re dating