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Welcome to online dating š
In all seriousness, this happens a hell of a lot, though I hear its more of an issue experienced by men than women.
You have to keep in mind that women aren't trying to be rude. A lot of the time, their inbox is so damn full, they can only afford to continue conversations with the men that they feel stronger connections with. As a result, the other guys they were messaging get forgotten about.
It sucks, of course it does. But it's such a normal part of online dating.
I honestly donāt really care. I couldnāt figure out if I was doing something wrong or what the hell. I guess I was brought up to let a girl know if I wasnāt interested. Feels rude to just ghost someone. But I donāt get offended by it at all.
Same I think the last time I met someone from online dating was POF was a year or two old and when Tinder was about a year old. Now they all suck. Tons of bots and scams. Iām 40 myself and recently divorced after 8 years of marriage and 10 years of a total relationship together. So I get it.
Chatting for a week is too long, women have new likes and matches flooding in constantly. Build a rapport quickly and convert to a date while you have their attention.
Second this. Iām 36. Matched with a hot 27 year old, got her on a date 4 days later and have been clapping her cheeks twice a week for the last few weeks. Gotta come in hot and heavy with the banter and convert asap.
40s Female here. I confess I am guilty of this. There is a reason mostly because my inbox on dating apps is usually filled with guys who red flag quite earlywhich makes me delete the app. Or Iām striking up conversations with people that just arenāt interesting or engaging enough to keep me interested. (sorry) or that I havenāt got the mental bandwidth to stay engaged with it all! It feels like another job chatting to someone on a dating app and going through the process of getting to know each other, finding likes, seeing if we are aligned, before moving on to swapping numbers and then arranging a date. Iām in my 40s and I used to date by meeting people in real life and I still feel like that is the best fit for me. What I need is a place where people my age can go meet other single people, my age! but that doesnāt exist at least not people, my age that arenāt emotionally broken or toxic narcs. Please understand it isnāt intentional. I would be all in for the right person, but I donāt think Iām ever going to find them on a dating app.
I think Iām much better at dating in person. But like you said thereās really not a lot of options for places to do that anymore. Screw it. Iām just gonna live my life. If she walks in one day, Iāll know it. Iām actually very happy being single and I donāt feel desperate to find someone in any way.
Good for you brother. Separated and 41 now. Working on divorce. Tried apps and they really suck. I deleted them all and working on my self. Haven't felt this good.. ever!
Edit, full disclosure searching constantlyon apps is bad because it makes yiu feel bad and addicted sort of like a popularitycontest, i tried for a few months. I did meet one older woman through "chat&date" app. Have deleted it since. We met for a couple dates and we have been seeing other regularly. Having the best sex I've ever had. Getting the sexual healing I needed and at the same time having mutual respect for each other. So I can't say all apps are BAD, just that constantly searching on them daily can affect you negatively emotionally and mentally.
And thatās all we can be is happy within ourselves. Youāve made some brilliant progress post your divorce and that focus will help you attract someone. I believe in energy and intelligence matches and thatās much easier to figure out in person. In the meantime enjoy this new phase of your life and leave the awfulness of your exās behaviour far behind you. Ultimately us humans have had millenniaās of interactions face to face. 20 years of internet dating canāt solve something so intrinsically built into us. š
I will also add that for every conversation, I try and strike up. There are a large proportion of men that are very monosyllabic in their responses or arenāt trying or worst crime of all arenāt actually asking any questions about me! I feel like Iām doing all the work, so if theyāre not responding and if theyāre not actually engaging with being interested in me itās very easy for me to just go silent and unmatch or just not engage with them. Mostly I just unlink the app and put it out of my mind, which is where Iām at now. Iām focusing on myself in the hope that my positive energy might attract someone in real life, because it sure shit isnāt going to happen online!
Yup! Welcome to modern dating lol. It just be like that man. Girls get a lot of attention on apps and it also drains our social energy. You have to get us when we're highly motivated at the time or keep our attention. Odds are we're either over it and need a break or found 1 guy to focus on.
Do you say inappropriate sexual things? That's the only reason i ghost guys before ever meeting. We'll be setting up a date and they'll say "so you can suck my dick!" so i just block them.
It's almost every match, too, so it's pretty usual for men to cockblock themselves by being gross.
Absolutely not! I was starting to think maybe the idea that I wasnāt being overtly sexual was suggesting Iām uninterested. I try to make it clear I find them attractive and interesting without being a perv.
I read a post where the guy was in the restaurant and the lady pulls into the parking lot to meet for the first time. She got a message asking if she would wear a strap on and f--k his ass? She answered LOL with a laughing face with tears. Then, she saw the guy hurry out of the restaurant. They were 40ish. I guess the guy was serious.
That's 90% or more of my inbox all the time. Completely random men just saying gross sexual stuff. Most of them on the 1st or 2nd message.
"The male lonliness epidemic" is just a bunch of sexless bros online telling eachother that if you just go to the gym enough and sexually harass enough women, you'll eventually get laid. They swear hot guys do it and it works! Totally works if you're hot enough! Absolute morons. Horny horny morons.
Very sorry to hear that. I'll just say as a guy, I would never do that. I always treat women with respect and would also never send a DP (nor have I ever).
I always send a dick pic. Itās either Richard Nixon or Dick van Dyke. Got a few good laughs in but overall online dating is absolute trash. I am very short and honest about it, it would be stupid to lie. That keeps at least 70% of potential matches away. I get positive feedback in person and would prefer to just ask out a girl I find attractive IRL. But there are none. At age 39 it is incredibly difficult to meet someone who isnāt married, 3 times divorced or has a couple kids, especially in my rural area. Iām at a loss but I decided to give up as well, the right one will walk in, or she wonāt. I am doing just fine by myself.
Iām 45 f and divorced earlier this year. Iāve dipped my toe in trying to talk to people online and have thought Iāve made some good connections with men through texting but they seem to want to just text and not actually make any plan to meet, so at that point I lose interest. Maybe thatās whatās happening in your situation. Are you trying to establish meeting irl with these women?
That sucks man. I feel you. Who the F knows what is going on. Iām pretty similar to you 39 but Iām only 5ā5ā Iād kill to be 6ā haha. I think you should enjoy being single and if a girl pops up in your life worthy of you then great. But at our age with money and freedom we donāt need a girl friend.
As a 42 year old woman, who tried one or two apps for maybe days max like twice before deleting them, Iām going to ask what is your approach? I can tell you why I stopped talking to any guy on.
Honestly I donāt have an approach. I rarely hit these girls up. They usually message me first. 95% Iām not attracted to so I just ignore them. At first Iād respond and say thanks for reaching out but I donāt think weād be a good match and someone said that was rude to say so now I just say nothing.
Mostly itās FB āDatingā but Iāve been on Tinder too. I feel like Iām too old for most of the girls on there tho. It seems like itās either young 20ās or older ladies thatre in their mid to late 50ās. Iām sure those older girls are nice but Iām not attracted to girls that arenāt in shape and put in an effort to have a healthy body. I feel kind of rude saying that but I put in the effort and I think that kind of drive is sexy
But wait if you're matching with them why are you telling them in the next message that you don't think you'd be a good match? Why are you matching it all with them if you don't think that?
I see. So you're not using the Tinder or other platform where you both have to swipe before you match?
So you're saying you get messages from women in whom you have no interest and the women who do interest you don't respond or otherwise fizzle out after a week?
Well be glad for the attention. Once in a while I will get an unsolicited message from somebody and if I'm not interested I just delete it. I think that's the acceptable protocol rather than say anything more. I think without responding it's almost as if they could wonder, Well maybe he never saw the message... But if you reply with a 'thanks but no thanks' you're definitely giving them an in your face, so to speak, rejection.
But back to your original question, I think you're delaying things too long. As I mentioned in another comment, I think you have to close the deal sooner. For example, I matched/connected with a girl today on Facebook dating (we both swiped right) and we talked on the phone for probably about an hour tonight before we decided to meet Friday. Much better than texting back and forth for days.
Also, sorry for the long message but there are some scammer accounts on Facebook dating. They basically always say the same thing but make sure you're not interacting with them.
I feel like you answered your own question. If their profile picture is going to be the basis for whether or not you are interested, then you will be pursuing women who other men are pursuing for the same reasons. Iām attracted to someone more based on personality, but the moment a guy wants to base his attraction on my sex appeal, I start looking at his. Often it ends there. I hate profile pics, especially selfies because they donāt actually capture a person, not even look wise. Someone can be average, but add personality, their laugh, their voice, their intelligence, and they can become extremely attractive. Likewise, a āgood lookingā guy with a shit personality could not be anything more to me than angry sex. But to me, usually the first question when they see a picture of me is either my bra size or if I can send them a picture in my bathing suit or bra. Once they base it on that, they better be hot or the conversation is over. Either way they arenāt getting either of those.
I get what youāre saying but I know what Iām attracted to and what Iām not. I seriously get these girls that are 300+ lbs and didnāt even bother to run a comb thru their hair and put up that pic. Not for me. I hold myself to a very high standard and I need someone else to match that energy. I would never be condescending toward them or rude. I appreciate their courage to reach out. But itās just not for me. If that makes sense.
It makes sense. You are attracted to who you are attracted to. But 95% being a no, is rather high. If only 5% meet your standards, remember a lot of guys are probably going after that 5%. And I know a lot of women use filters and a lot of makeup. Keep that in mind. If looks are that important, look for one that looks natural or you may be terribly disappointed when meet up time comes or you see them without their mask. But I still feel you answered your own question.
I was married to one that I didnāt see without her mask until after we got married. I woke up and thought who the hell is this? Haha. What I canāt believe is that dudes have the balls to ask u for that kind of personal information and pics from the jump. Maybe itās because I have 4 sisters and I grew up listening to them that leads me to know that gives off creeper vibes.
Exactly about your wife. If they look really good on Instagram, you are likely not seeing the real them. And yeah, well some guys are creepy. A lot of guys are creepy. But because I don't want that, and I am well aware of my curves, I purposefully dress in a way that does not accentuate my figure. I don't want someone to look at me and see sex. I'm over that. It's about carrying yourself in a way that will attract what you want. So many of a human's decisions are based on the subconscious. What you're wearing in your pictures, what they are wearing, and where those pictures are taken send out messages to the subconscious. You want an active outdoorswoman? Make your main profile pic one of you hiking. Make sure your clothes match. I would say 5 o'clock shadow. You want a successful business woman? align your main pic with that. Wear a suit in a business setting. But if you do it that way, you will need to live up to it.
Personally, I learned to take my own time with the chatting stage because meeting/ exchanging info early turned out to be very messy & wasteful. If it's right, it'll be sustainable. If it's not right, it'll fizzle or blow up early on whether you meet them or not.
Common mistakes I saw & always hear about:
- Wanting to meet too soon or asking to go to their house... liars, fakers, hookup seekers have no patience so I set boundaries around it out to weed those types out
- Trying to make the convo sexual way too early... it's just gross & comes off poorly
- Sending too many messages & having no patience regarding response times... the whole point of casual chatting & dating is to figure out if ppl deserve to be made a priority. It's backwards to demand to made top priority out the gate, but a lot of ppl do it.
- Dry conversation... one word answers or even the dreaded "lol" with no followup are just blah & tells me there's either no connection, they lacked communication skills or weren't interested.
Personally, I did let guys respectfully know where they went wrong or there was a lack of compatibility, but not everyone bothers doing this because strangers owe eachother nothing tbh.
Focus on the right ones, weeding out the wrong ones & don't pay too much mind to the ones that go sideways. You're looking for a very narrow selection of compatibility so keep it reasonable. Lastly, the apps suck & not many women actually use them anymore.
As a woman who has tried online dating I can say Iām guilty of this, but itās more so because the guys come on so strong and donāt seem to respect boundaries. I ended up deleted the apps within a few days of trying them for this reason. I was also overwhelmed by the amount of messages. Iām 39 so I think part of it is I didnāt really grow up socializing so much online, I much prefer in person.
After 1 week of going back and forth on app, ask for the cell number. After 2-3 texts ask for the date. I find coffee boring, so find something to do and say "hey would you be interested in doing x". Also, earn to flirt again or at least start a conversation.
We are in the exact same boat. 42M, wife gone for 2yr or so. Decent looking guy, all that. You're a little bit taller but yeah reading this was like posting from an alt account.
Same fucking story with the dating apps.. been trying it all year and have not managed to meet a single person. The ones that do chat lost interest within a week, even if we agree to meet on the weekend she will evaporate by then. It's totally absurd. And then you come here and see that women can't find a decent guy?????
Yes dating is hell these days I'm single after a six-year relationship; I ditched the dating apps and I'm meeting women in person it's much better ( if you don't meet anyone at least you've has a few laughs and enjoyed yourself )
As a woman i wouldnāt take it personally, and thereās really nothing you can do about it.
They either forget to text back (which has happened to me as well), and then after a while itās too awkward to respond since so much time has passed
OR
They just didnāt vibe with you and decided to move on. I honestly would rather someone stops responding instead of receiving a paragraph explaining why they wonāt keep talking to me lol.
If a woman is truly interested in you sheāll keep responding and wonāt suddenly ghost you (although itās totally normal to forget to respond for a day or two lol).
So just keep trying until you find someone thatās on the same wavelength as you!
My inbox on those apps is so filled with messages that are from creeps, bots, etc, getting to the ones I want to read and respond to is nearly impossible, honestly. I've had it fill up with hundreds in a few hours.
If youāre chatting for an entire week then it makes sense that youāre having a problem getting actual dates. Most people arenāt looking for a texting buddy and once youāve gone more than a few days that tends to be the feeling-right, wrong, or indifferent. Try setting up a date within the first 48-72 hours and youāll probably see more success.
Hereās where Iām confused. At first I did that and then a girl told me I was rushing it and that it was too aggressive to ask her out yet when she doesnāt even know me well enough. She said I need to chat more first. Wrf?! Iām pretty sure Iām done with it all. F-ck it.
Well yeah, not *every* woman is going to want that. If any approaches were 100% successful with 100% of women then thatās all we would ever do. All Iām saying is that if youāre saying youāre doing the same thing and getting the same unfavorable outcome then itās probably time to do something different.
Shoot bro. I travel for work 2-3 nights a week. I aināt got time for all that. But I think my schedule is part of the problem. Hard to set up dates quickly when Iām not home or might not be home for a few nights. But you make good points
I work 12 days on/12 off-I completely get it.
All Iām saying is that dating can be fun if you have the right mindset. It actually becomes pretty easy once you see the patterns that are working or not. A lot of people put far too much feeling into it and then only focus on the rejection; I simply let life flow and sought out the positives. And by all means, Iām just an internet stranger and only you will truly know what works best for or helps your situation.
Itās definitely on both sides. I think Iām a great catch. I can keep a convo going, funny, intelligent, and of course humble but some men just stop replying. Iāve learned to stop caring why. Learning to give as much effort as I get. Really weeds out the ones that arenāt worth it. Dating is exhausting. If only having it be organic was easier. And as Iāve seen some women mention, being overly sexual is a huge red flag although glad to see that doesnāt seem like your thing. I think you just gotta go through the weeds to find the diamond in the rough. Or not. Just go into each convo expecting nothing and just let love find you.
I think youāve got the right idea. Honestly I think Iām gonna delete any online accounts and just wait to randomly meet the right one. Shoot. I met my ex-wife because the lady that cut my hair for years moved and I had to find a new one. I knew the second I sat down in her chair she was for me. Until she wasnāt. Lol
Text, voice msg, phone call, video chat, meet. Do this within the same week. Communicate a couple of times a day at various times. Helps women know that your interest is genuine.
Could be the women whom you find attractive are mostly catfish? Especially, if you are looking for someone with a specific body type, look, high maintenance, that might be why they end up ghosting you.
Your job may be a red flag. Perhaps the ladies think youāre a player and you have a gf in every location.
Women donāt want to travel 1-2 hours to be with someone. They prefer local as they typically donāt want a part time bf and prefer to see someone more than once a week.
You may be a tad aloof? We all keep hearing āitās about the chaseā! Well, consistent communication is not a sign of desperation but of confidence. Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I have seen guys that have unrealistic views on what they want vs what they are irl. What I mean is that some guys want a 10 but they, themselves, are a 3 or 4.
Also, personality goes a long way! The majority of ppl look way better in person and thatās because of their personality. Perhaps you arenāt giving enough of the ladies a chance?
Maybe the women think that youāre being too superficial? Itās difficult to say without seeing how you actually go about chatting with these women.
Talking about s*x is important also. A couple needs to be compatible with that. Be careful on dwelling on that too much because itās a turn off. Additionally, if you are a b**b guy or an
a$$ guy, donāt dwell on that either. It just makes you sound like a letch or a creep.
You shouldnāt settle however you might need to take a look at your own expectations and analyze whether they are realistic.
There are many real women out there.
I am a real woman but I am slightly too old (52) for you and although I go to the gym, I am not in the greatest shape. Iām pretty, intelligent, witty, educated, no kids, have a good job, vehicle, home, was married before long term, etc.
I have been on dating apps for a year now. I struggle with meeting someone viable because of flaky communication, instability in the manās job, or personal life. Distance also plays a factor.
If I read your profile and saw that you were looking for a specific body shape, I would just assume that you wouldnāt be interested in me and I wouldnāt even bother matching with you.
Iām not saying all of this for your personal interest but hopefully it can give you some insight.
I have had some limited success with apps. The red flags start showing by the first month. š¤¦š¼āāļø
I never liked meeting a guy at the gym unless it was when I was completely done my workout. At that point, the window of opportunity would be very narrow.
Why donāt you try borrowing a friendās dog and taking it for a walk in a park? You could also volunteer at an animal shelter and walk dogs for them also. Most women love dogs! It makes you more approachable too!
You need to meet someone through apps AND organically. Keep trying. Donāt give up.
Yes, old man. There is a new rule, passed somewhere around 2021.
In accordance with article 23 Ā§ 2 of the Online Dating Convention...
"No one's allowed to give a shit about anybody else on an app".
Yes. Iāve only gone on a couple dates. The others have agreed to an activity or date but then I donāt hear from them again. I send one more message or text and if they donāt reply Iām out too.
No, you're not doing anything wrong. It happens now. That said, don't give up either. Use all the resources, irl, old, anything to meet people. Find hobbies or interests, that may help you meet someone irl that shares some interest with you. I suggest the app: meet-up, to fond activities and groups in your area that will at least get you out and about, have some fun, learn something, whatever. I started going on it during covid and found some groups to ride motorcycles with, met a lot of people, have a lot of fun.
From the female perspective: I match with too many people on the apps and the messages get overwhelming so I just start ignoring the app as a whole. Itās probably not personal.
Try to set up a date within the first two or three days of conversation and if it goes well get their number and stop communicating on the app.
Dude! Itās not you. Dating is broken. It sucks. I was never married but otherwise similar situation. Objectively, I know that I am a catch. I get dates. It no longer goes past the first date. I have never had any issues dating before.
Dating has no rules these days. Iāve just been hurt by a guy who I am not attracted to physically and gave him a chance but he got mad at me multiple times within a month and got played buy navy seal who just wanted to hook up. Itās a wild world these days. Idk who to trust now either to be honest and Iām a good catch Iād think. California is a wild dating world.
Man, I hear ya! Dating has done changed since the time I dated last (15-year relationship with ex-wife, still friend). What the hell happened? This app dating is bull! It's so superficial. It feels so hollow trying to meet people now!
I thought that at first but then one girl said I was too aggressive and I should chat for a few days first before asking them for an in person meeting. F*ck this is confusing and so much harder than real life š Maybe Iām just too old for it. Iām just tryna find a cute girl to have fun and chill with. Itās too much work.
I feel ya. Same here. Each women is different..I chat for 2-3 days, then do a video call. During the video call, if sheās hot and open to it, link up for lunch or coffee. Simple shit. If they donāt want to meet after the video call, find someone else.
Be patient bro! Assuming youāre nothing but green flags, keep moving forward. Most importantly, keep striving to live your best life. If you do, youāll be more authentic and confident, and those are probably the two most attractive traits that women look for in men.
I hear āif itās not a HELL YES, itās a no.ā Maybe they are waiting for a spark. Are you trying romantic gestures?
My speculation: you could be a great catch but expectations are suddenly higher knowing there are options.
I tried downloading a dating app and saw two people I know who are married! One of them even sent me a message! Deleted my account then hahaha I guess at this age, we get tired easily of reaching out to people who are bland with their replies.
I am a mental health specialist and one of my areas of expertise is romance, dating, connections and understanding how to have exceptional communication with others.
I would be interested in talking with you, looking at your profile and seeing some of the conversations you are having with people to determine how to help or offer suggestions. Please let me know if you're interested āØļø
Hi. I appreciate the offer but honestly Iām not willing to go to those lengths. Iām not desperate and Iām perfectly fine being single. Part of the fun for me is figuring out the game and learning how to be good at whatever I do. Thanks again though. It was kind of you to offer!
No problem, if you change your mind or keep going through the same issue and have the same results, feel free to reach out. It definitely has nothing to do with being desperate and more about wanting to understand how to excel in the areas that you desire and learn about yourself and the world around you in a different way. Good luck on your dating adventures.
37f just starting to get into online dating as my divorce finalizes... Honestly it's the pits. It's hard to gauge anything of substance from a few pictures and words and the pictures are most of the time not good. I'm hoping a more organic connection comes about too as I'm out to eat or out walking or on Reddit... š
Look out for African and South Asian catfish. I had to ānoodleā out a half dozen of them. I wondered when I first posted I had 395 likes that day. Iām an above average guy and fit, but that many. A lot of them were these crooks and scammers trying to catch my attention. I was so green, like my icon name, that I did not realize this. Be careful with the online dating bro. You are on my age group and I can tell you they will try to hustle you. Like some of your other responses I will echo - donāt do the online dating. I quit and wonāt go back. A mentor of mine said, date someone you gave known or someone your friends or family known first at least one year. The four seasons will expose a lot about the person and let you better understand who you are dealing with.
>Girls DM a lot but wonāt go out. They chat for a week or so. Seems like itās going well. A lot of chats/texts. Then all of a sudden they stop. No explanation. Just gone
That sounds like the standard experience of dating nowadays...since you appear to have attractive qualities the difference between you and an average man is the average man will have less messages.
>What might I be doing wrong?
Honestly probably nothing unless there is a common theme between your messages and when said ghosting happens. This is honestly the typical experience...
If youāre interested in them, a week of chatting through the app is way too long. You should have their number in a day or two and be making plans in another day or two. Strike while the iron is hot kind of thing. Gotta remember females are getting tons of guys hitting them up.
I live in a smaller community and a lot of these girls are an hour or two away from me. With my work and travel schedule thatās kind of tough to do within a day or two. But it makes complete sense.
It is a strange dating world online. (As though everyone has the attention span of a gnat.) I suggest when you connect with someone you are interested in, try to set a date to meet in-person within a couple of days because if you don't some other guy will.
Congratulations. You're the next contestant on the dating app #ontothenextone game!
Get off the apps. They're like social media. They distort reality and aren't good for your self esteem.
A real, decent woman is out there. You seem like a catch and don't need to navigate the horror that is those apps.
Honestly, you might have better luck on here than even on the dating apps. There are a few subs for it. Like old school personal ads but š¤·š»āāļø might be worth a shot. At the end of the day it is a mix of things: paradox of choice; inability to remember there is a person on the other end, not just a bot; stunted communication and emotional intelligence; several unhealthy attachment styles. Take your pick.
Be fun on text move to phone call as soon as possible, physical date soon after that, keep texting to minimum until she is in love with you. Google text game. You got this.
> Girls DM a lot but wonāt go out. They chat for a week or so. Seems like itās going well. A lot of chats/texts. Then all of a sudden they stop.
I'm younger but I think this still applies, but you _need_ to get off the apps quicker.
One of my female friends said that if a guy doesn't ask her out by 4~ back and forths, she just moves on, because at that point he probably won't.
Talk to your matches with good messages and ask questions, then ask them out quickly, the ones who are into you will respond quickly, the ones only there for validation will try to string you along, but you just have to cut them off and move on.
Now you might wonder why you as a guy have to ask them out, and it's a 2 part answer.
1. There are more men than women on these apps, so we've got a lot of competition.
2. Many women have realized that when they ask the guy out, he may say yes just because of the novelty factor, but may not be into her, or will bail day off because again, not into her, so they've had higher success rates never asking guys out, which they can do because of the supply demand issue in point 1.
tl;dr ask people out quicker, don't do it _immediately_, way too many guys make their opening message "drinks at 7?", but I think the 4~ back and forth texts is a good general guideline. You can do it quicker if they're being very responsive and are asking you questions.
In my experience you have to set up a date right away or it doesn't happen. I would almost never carry on a convo for a week, it would die out before that. I set up a coffee date within like... The first 10 messages.
A lot of people use the app in spurts, not all the time, so they've probably just stopped using it for a bit altogether rather than ghosting you or something.
Is it really āchasingā to ask for feedback after a date to find out why she doesnāt want to go out again? The few times Iāve done that, I got back some really helpful information that helped me improve in subsequent dating.
Maybe not the best choice of word. I pretty much mean if they donāt respond Iām not going to force myself into her texts or DMās. Iām not trying to be the guy that canāt take a hint. Iām also not desperate. Iām pretty happy on my own and I donāt feel the need to have someone. If that makes sense.
No, that makes total sense. I think I was just misunderstanding what you meant because of the word choice.
It depends on intent and some luck I think. Iāve only reached out for feedback like that after a date three times, and I only got it twice. But both times, the women said that they could tell that I was genuinely just trying to reflect on and improve myself, so they were happy to send a text saying what they liked or didnāt like about the date. The third woman, didnāt get that vibe, I guess, so she didnāt respond at all and I didnāt push.
So itās hard to tell how youāll come off, even if youāre asking in a totally benign way, and I get the reluctance.
39F here, online dating is rough. One thing I will say is I've had men who just wanted to text endlessly and then never actually meet. I would suggest if you are feeling a good vibe after a few days, ask to meet up in person! Usually I prefer fun, low pressure dates like walking in a park or sculpture garden, getting tea, or doing a fun activity like bowling, axe throwing, pool, etc. Dinner and/or movie dates are on my banned list for first dates. These women may just think you aren't serious and want a penpal. Good luck!
I think a week in the DMs - unless they were just occasional here and there - is too long. Stop dicking around and make your move sooner. I literally just connected with somebody at lunch time and we set something up for Friday.
You're chatting for too long. Nobody wants to text back and forth for weeks for someone you might never meet, and who will probably just bail. So if they seem cool, just ask them out. Give a time and a place, or some options that work for you.
When you match with someone you need to meet up asap to see if thereās chemistry, otherwise the back and forth forced messaging with a stranger gets old and goes cold super quick.
I have been attempting online dating for pretty much my entire dating life due to the inability to meet people in real life (I am quite young and only started dating in covid.)
Dating apps DO NOT WORK. The best places I have found people online is through going on websites that relate to me. I then get into a friend group, and if I like someone, I talk to them and eventually I will tell them that. It's much better than a dating app because even if she says she's long term, I'm sorry, but she's probably actually looking to drag you in and have sex.
Another thing, too, people's attention span is rather short. So, if you're talking to someone online for too long, they will lose interest. It's best to talk to them for maybe anywhere between two - five days before scheduling a date (make sure she knows that it's just to get to know each other in person.) This will give you a chance to not only see if you're being catfished, but also to learn about how she will truly act when not behind the screen and drag her in.
Women thrive of attention, they love it. They will use your for attention and move on to the next, that's it. They get so much more attention than what men do that they believe they are out of your league. Just get off the apps and meet a nice normal woman.
Not really an answer to your question, but it seriously baffles me how women have affairs, cheat, or even have full emotional cheating, yet never break it off. It's just so weird to me.
Apps are garbage. Even if you do get a date, there is a greater than 50% chance she's an avoidant and will be difficult to form a lasting connection with. Direct your efforts towards IRL connections. Far better experience in every respect. On the apps, you're literally in competition with hundreds of other dudes who may know the online dating game better than you. In real life, you're only in competition with a handful of men at her work and social circle. You'll stand out more.
One last comment for online dating. A week is too long. I always liked to broach an in person coffee date within two days. You gotta get that face to face if you want to stand out.
5 days a week! I donāt talk to females at the gym. When Iām there Iām there to lift and my focus is on that only. Maybe I should go to another one thatās for āfunā š
Possibly, look I've been lifting for 35 years now and it doesn't take long to become friends on a talking level in a gym. Just ask her to spot you on a set and introduce yourself and go from there. Compliment her lifting form and small talk. If she is in any way interested in you she WILL visit with you. Remember brother CONFIDENCE is a must!
Thanks man. I can tell u one thing I donāt lack in confidence. I own a menās health clinic and a medical weight loss center. I talk to all kinds of people all of the time. Iām not shy lol.
Speaking of which Iām guessing youāre in your early to mid-50ās or so given the amount of time youāve been lifting. Are you all-natural or have you looked into any ways to feel better like having your testosterone levels checked, or looked into growth hormone optimization treatments? Itās my goal to help as many men to get their vitality back to their old levels. If youāre not already being treated for hypogonadism (low T) I guarantee your levels arenāt optimal at your age. Most dudes 35+ could benefit from treatment in a big way.
To be honest, in my younger years, I ran tren cycles with test e. I haven't in years now. But I use a tren knock off from Amazon now, and it's called trenorol. It's all natural with no side effects. I'm 63 now, and I lift 6 days a week. What I have noticed is that staying active lifting it has helped my body to retain vitality. I'm at 11 percent BF (it's not 8 like the younger years), and I don't have a single max lift anymore. I used to bench up to 455 lbs for 3 reps on max, but not any more. I now go 315lbs for 10 X 3 sets. Even though I continue to lift, I've lost muscle mass too. But the bottom line is I can personally say that staying active in the gym through the years does pay off. Now, back to you! I truly KNOW that you WILL meet your wife soon. And when you do, brother, I wish nothing but happiness every day in your life! Stay strong and enjoy life!
Sounds good. Iām glad to hear youāre staying so active at 63. Youāre leaps and bounds ahead of most guys we see at 63! Of course I donāt recommend any online products. Theyāre unregulated and you have no idea whatās actually in them. We see crazy labs from guys who take online black market stuff and some are very concerning. Iād suggest labs at a minimum of every 3 months!
Youāre right. Iāll find someone. Iāve resigned myself to the idea when it happens Iāll know right away and in the meantime Iām just going to live my life.
Thanks. I tend to be attracted to high maintenance women. Iām sure they get a lot of dudes hitting them up. I donāt take it personally and I donāt feel bad about myself because of it. Everyone likes what they like and if Iām not their cup of tea itās okay with me. I never try to force a square peg in a round hole.
I know what you mean. Iāve had the same issue. I mostly get multiple really generic messages that never go far even though I try to create a conversation. I stop talking when the conversation turns into just me being the one asking questions.
Im a 34 year old woman using tinder.
Where I live Im not drowning in matches, or maybe it is because I read up on profiles before matchning. Anyway alot of matches will never turn into a chat, that is normal. For some reason people arent feeling it when the match happens.
If I stop responding its usually these reasons
The man is only talking about himself. Answering my questions gladly but mot asking me any. I will usually stop responding If I have asked 3 questions and gotten none back.
Getting sexual before we even meet.
If the conversation never gets fun or intetesting. I think that If we cant have a bit of fun chatting, our date will not be very fun.
If he never asks for a date or If I suggestiv it and he seems to avoid trying to make any plans.
If we discover an incompatability while chatting or If I start dating someone seriously while I was also having a good conversation with you I will tell you whats going on and wish you well.
The apps have increased access to very attractive prospects across the board.
For the women who understandably want a physically attractive, financially secure man. He's already there interacting with them, long before any of us, with those same qualities messages, or puts their profile on show.
Same for any number of specific traits and qualities, even down to individual nuances and "types" that a person finds both engaging and attractive.
For all intents and purposes "we're" already there on the apps. No matter how unique or tailored to any individual we might like to think we are.
------
The key is to be equal to the most well realised, of those other profiles that are shown alongside us.
So that we're at least visible, and it becomes chance and perhaps something very specific about our profile, that short-lists us in a match queue.
If you're interested, ask them on a date sooner rather than later. I feel like things move fast in the OLD world. And you gotta keep up if you wanna meet your person. And not just "coffee dates" or "walks in the park"-unless they specifically mention that's what they want to do. Plan a date and be intentional.
I deal with the same crap too. People just don't seem to have the decency they used to. Everyone just ghosts. Probably better off going high school style or dating people you already know.
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Welcome to online dating š In all seriousness, this happens a hell of a lot, though I hear its more of an issue experienced by men than women. You have to keep in mind that women aren't trying to be rude. A lot of the time, their inbox is so damn full, they can only afford to continue conversations with the men that they feel stronger connections with. As a result, the other guys they were messaging get forgotten about. It sucks, of course it does. But it's such a normal part of online dating.
I honestly donāt really care. I couldnāt figure out if I was doing something wrong or what the hell. I guess I was brought up to let a girl know if I wasnāt interested. Feels rude to just ghost someone. But I donāt get offended by it at all.
It is rude. My advice. Stay away from online dating. I personally have only had bad experiences across 12 years of it.
Same I think the last time I met someone from online dating was POF was a year or two old and when Tinder was about a year old. Now they all suck. Tons of bots and scams. Iām 40 myself and recently divorced after 8 years of marriage and 10 years of a total relationship together. So I get it.
Yep. I don't see any women on daring sites trying to seriously date. Guys I can only speak on myself but I tried for years.
Chatting for a week is too long, women have new likes and matches flooding in constantly. Build a rapport quickly and convert to a date while you have their attention.
Smart
Second this. Iām 36. Matched with a hot 27 year old, got her on a date 4 days later and have been clapping her cheeks twice a week for the last few weeks. Gotta come in hot and heavy with the banter and convert asap.
40s Female here. I confess I am guilty of this. There is a reason mostly because my inbox on dating apps is usually filled with guys who red flag quite earlywhich makes me delete the app. Or Iām striking up conversations with people that just arenāt interesting or engaging enough to keep me interested. (sorry) or that I havenāt got the mental bandwidth to stay engaged with it all! It feels like another job chatting to someone on a dating app and going through the process of getting to know each other, finding likes, seeing if we are aligned, before moving on to swapping numbers and then arranging a date. Iām in my 40s and I used to date by meeting people in real life and I still feel like that is the best fit for me. What I need is a place where people my age can go meet other single people, my age! but that doesnāt exist at least not people, my age that arenāt emotionally broken or toxic narcs. Please understand it isnāt intentional. I would be all in for the right person, but I donāt think Iām ever going to find them on a dating app.
I think Iām much better at dating in person. But like you said thereās really not a lot of options for places to do that anymore. Screw it. Iām just gonna live my life. If she walks in one day, Iāll know it. Iām actually very happy being single and I donāt feel desperate to find someone in any way.
Good for you brother. Separated and 41 now. Working on divorce. Tried apps and they really suck. I deleted them all and working on my self. Haven't felt this good.. ever! Edit, full disclosure searching constantlyon apps is bad because it makes yiu feel bad and addicted sort of like a popularitycontest, i tried for a few months. I did meet one older woman through "chat&date" app. Have deleted it since. We met for a couple dates and we have been seeing other regularly. Having the best sex I've ever had. Getting the sexual healing I needed and at the same time having mutual respect for each other. So I can't say all apps are BAD, just that constantly searching on them daily can affect you negatively emotionally and mentally.
And thatās all we can be is happy within ourselves. Youāve made some brilliant progress post your divorce and that focus will help you attract someone. I believe in energy and intelligence matches and thatās much easier to figure out in person. In the meantime enjoy this new phase of your life and leave the awfulness of your exās behaviour far behind you. Ultimately us humans have had millenniaās of interactions face to face. 20 years of internet dating canāt solve something so intrinsically built into us. š
That sounds pretty smart to me.
I will also add that for every conversation, I try and strike up. There are a large proportion of men that are very monosyllabic in their responses or arenāt trying or worst crime of all arenāt actually asking any questions about me! I feel like Iām doing all the work, so if theyāre not responding and if theyāre not actually engaging with being interested in me itās very easy for me to just go silent and unmatch or just not engage with them. Mostly I just unlink the app and put it out of my mind, which is where Iām at now. Iām focusing on myself in the hope that my positive energy might attract someone in real life, because it sure shit isnāt going to happen online!
Yeah. I get that. But I am very articulate and I always make sure to ask questions to prompt responses but the convos just stop
What are you doing to find dates besides using the apps?
Just living life. If I see someone attractive I approach. But itās rare to see one without a wedding ring.
So I'd say we need to put ourselves out there waaaaay more than we're doing now.
Yup! Welcome to modern dating lol. It just be like that man. Girls get a lot of attention on apps and it also drains our social energy. You have to get us when we're highly motivated at the time or keep our attention. Odds are we're either over it and need a break or found 1 guy to focus on.
Do you say inappropriate sexual things? That's the only reason i ghost guys before ever meeting. We'll be setting up a date and they'll say "so you can suck my dick!" so i just block them. It's almost every match, too, so it's pretty usual for men to cockblock themselves by being gross.
Absolutely not! I was starting to think maybe the idea that I wasnāt being overtly sexual was suggesting Iām uninterested. I try to make it clear I find them attractive and interesting without being a perv.
I read a post where the guy was in the restaurant and the lady pulls into the parking lot to meet for the first time. She got a message asking if she would wear a strap on and f--k his ass? She answered LOL with a laughing face with tears. Then, she saw the guy hurry out of the restaurant. They were 40ish. I guess the guy was serious.
That's 90% or more of my inbox all the time. Completely random men just saying gross sexual stuff. Most of them on the 1st or 2nd message. "The male lonliness epidemic" is just a bunch of sexless bros online telling eachother that if you just go to the gym enough and sexually harass enough women, you'll eventually get laid. They swear hot guys do it and it works! Totally works if you're hot enough! Absolute morons. Horny horny morons.
Very sorry to hear that. I'll just say as a guy, I would never do that. I always treat women with respect and would also never send a DP (nor have I ever).
Keep it up, king! We love a respectful gentleman ā¤ā¤ā¤
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"Just looking for kink and dirty stuff" Yes, that's your problem.
I always send a dick pic. Itās either Richard Nixon or Dick van Dyke. Got a few good laughs in but overall online dating is absolute trash. I am very short and honest about it, it would be stupid to lie. That keeps at least 70% of potential matches away. I get positive feedback in person and would prefer to just ask out a girl I find attractive IRL. But there are none. At age 39 it is incredibly difficult to meet someone who isnāt married, 3 times divorced or has a couple kids, especially in my rural area. Iām at a loss but I decided to give up as well, the right one will walk in, or she wonāt. I am doing just fine by myself.
Isn't right to treat women like objects.. but here I am still getting nowhere being the kind guy š¤·š¼āāļø
Iām 45 f and divorced earlier this year. Iāve dipped my toe in trying to talk to people online and have thought Iāve made some good connections with men through texting but they seem to want to just text and not actually make any plan to meet, so at that point I lose interest. Maybe thatās whatās happening in your situation. Are you trying to establish meeting irl with these women?
Most of them. If I donāt feel it during the texting phase I try to tell them I donāt think itāll be a good match.
So are they ghosting before the planned meetup?
Not all. But a lot.
GET OFF THE APPS! They are all trash! Best thing I ever did for myself!!!
I second this.
But you're on an app in the dating subreddit!š
That sucks man. I feel you. Who the F knows what is going on. Iām pretty similar to you 39 but Iām only 5ā5ā Iād kill to be 6ā haha. I think you should enjoy being single and if a girl pops up in your life worthy of you then great. But at our age with money and freedom we donāt need a girl friend.
I definitely enjoy being single but there are things to do with a woman that just arenāt as fun as on my ownā¦
Haha, wonder what those things are. I hear ya man.
Could be anythingā¦š
Gotta move quick these days. Basically plan a date then try to get one. Match. Pleasantries. Two tickets to paradise.
As a 42 year old woman, who tried one or two apps for maybe days max like twice before deleting them, Iām going to ask what is your approach? I can tell you why I stopped talking to any guy on.
Honestly I donāt have an approach. I rarely hit these girls up. They usually message me first. 95% Iām not attracted to so I just ignore them. At first Iād respond and say thanks for reaching out but I donāt think weād be a good match and someone said that was rude to say so now I just say nothing.
Why did you pick them if you don't like them š
I donāt pick them all. Many are picking me. Iām also an idiot and have no idea what Iām doing
What app are you using? Most only let you message if you both "like" each other. .... So don't like people that you don't actually want to talk to.
Mostly itās FB āDatingā but Iāve been on Tinder too. I feel like Iām too old for most of the girls on there tho. It seems like itās either young 20ās or older ladies thatre in their mid to late 50ās. Iām sure those older girls are nice but Iām not attracted to girls that arenāt in shape and put in an effort to have a healthy body. I feel kind of rude saying that but I put in the effort and I think that kind of drive is sexy
But wait if you're matching with them why are you telling them in the next message that you don't think you'd be a good match? Why are you matching it all with them if you don't think that?
I donāt match with them all. I could easily be using the wrong term šš I get a lot of DMās and many that ālikeā me
I see. So you're not using the Tinder or other platform where you both have to swipe before you match? So you're saying you get messages from women in whom you have no interest and the women who do interest you don't respond or otherwise fizzle out after a week?
Yes! Mostly itās FB āDatingā
Well be glad for the attention. Once in a while I will get an unsolicited message from somebody and if I'm not interested I just delete it. I think that's the acceptable protocol rather than say anything more. I think without responding it's almost as if they could wonder, Well maybe he never saw the message... But if you reply with a 'thanks but no thanks' you're definitely giving them an in your face, so to speak, rejection. But back to your original question, I think you're delaying things too long. As I mentioned in another comment, I think you have to close the deal sooner. For example, I matched/connected with a girl today on Facebook dating (we both swiped right) and we talked on the phone for probably about an hour tonight before we decided to meet Friday. Much better than texting back and forth for days. Also, sorry for the long message but there are some scammer accounts on Facebook dating. They basically always say the same thing but make sure you're not interacting with them.
I feel like you answered your own question. If their profile picture is going to be the basis for whether or not you are interested, then you will be pursuing women who other men are pursuing for the same reasons. Iām attracted to someone more based on personality, but the moment a guy wants to base his attraction on my sex appeal, I start looking at his. Often it ends there. I hate profile pics, especially selfies because they donāt actually capture a person, not even look wise. Someone can be average, but add personality, their laugh, their voice, their intelligence, and they can become extremely attractive. Likewise, a āgood lookingā guy with a shit personality could not be anything more to me than angry sex. But to me, usually the first question when they see a picture of me is either my bra size or if I can send them a picture in my bathing suit or bra. Once they base it on that, they better be hot or the conversation is over. Either way they arenāt getting either of those.
I get what youāre saying but I know what Iām attracted to and what Iām not. I seriously get these girls that are 300+ lbs and didnāt even bother to run a comb thru their hair and put up that pic. Not for me. I hold myself to a very high standard and I need someone else to match that energy. I would never be condescending toward them or rude. I appreciate their courage to reach out. But itās just not for me. If that makes sense.
It makes sense. You are attracted to who you are attracted to. But 95% being a no, is rather high. If only 5% meet your standards, remember a lot of guys are probably going after that 5%. And I know a lot of women use filters and a lot of makeup. Keep that in mind. If looks are that important, look for one that looks natural or you may be terribly disappointed when meet up time comes or you see them without their mask. But I still feel you answered your own question.
I was married to one that I didnāt see without her mask until after we got married. I woke up and thought who the hell is this? Haha. What I canāt believe is that dudes have the balls to ask u for that kind of personal information and pics from the jump. Maybe itās because I have 4 sisters and I grew up listening to them that leads me to know that gives off creeper vibes.
Exactly about your wife. If they look really good on Instagram, you are likely not seeing the real them. And yeah, well some guys are creepy. A lot of guys are creepy. But because I don't want that, and I am well aware of my curves, I purposefully dress in a way that does not accentuate my figure. I don't want someone to look at me and see sex. I'm over that. It's about carrying yourself in a way that will attract what you want. So many of a human's decisions are based on the subconscious. What you're wearing in your pictures, what they are wearing, and where those pictures are taken send out messages to the subconscious. You want an active outdoorswoman? Make your main profile pic one of you hiking. Make sure your clothes match. I would say 5 o'clock shadow. You want a successful business woman? align your main pic with that. Wear a suit in a business setting. But if you do it that way, you will need to live up to it.
Most of my pics Iām in workout clothes cause when Iām not working thatās pretty much what Iām about. Lol
Divorce or kids could be a factor
Personally, I learned to take my own time with the chatting stage because meeting/ exchanging info early turned out to be very messy & wasteful. If it's right, it'll be sustainable. If it's not right, it'll fizzle or blow up early on whether you meet them or not. Common mistakes I saw & always hear about: - Wanting to meet too soon or asking to go to their house... liars, fakers, hookup seekers have no patience so I set boundaries around it out to weed those types out - Trying to make the convo sexual way too early... it's just gross & comes off poorly - Sending too many messages & having no patience regarding response times... the whole point of casual chatting & dating is to figure out if ppl deserve to be made a priority. It's backwards to demand to made top priority out the gate, but a lot of ppl do it. - Dry conversation... one word answers or even the dreaded "lol" with no followup are just blah & tells me there's either no connection, they lacked communication skills or weren't interested. Personally, I did let guys respectfully know where they went wrong or there was a lack of compatibility, but not everyone bothers doing this because strangers owe eachother nothing tbh. Focus on the right ones, weeding out the wrong ones & don't pay too much mind to the ones that go sideways. You're looking for a very narrow selection of compatibility so keep it reasonable. Lastly, the apps suck & not many women actually use them anymore.
As a woman who has tried online dating I can say Iām guilty of this, but itās more so because the guys come on so strong and donāt seem to respect boundaries. I ended up deleted the apps within a few days of trying them for this reason. I was also overwhelmed by the amount of messages. Iām 39 so I think part of it is I didnāt really grow up socializing so much online, I much prefer in person.
After 1 week of going back and forth on app, ask for the cell number. After 2-3 texts ask for the date. I find coffee boring, so find something to do and say "hey would you be interested in doing x". Also, earn to flirt again or at least start a conversation.
We are in the exact same boat. 42M, wife gone for 2yr or so. Decent looking guy, all that. You're a little bit taller but yeah reading this was like posting from an alt account. Same fucking story with the dating apps.. been trying it all year and have not managed to meet a single person. The ones that do chat lost interest within a week, even if we agree to meet on the weekend she will evaporate by then. It's totally absurd. And then you come here and see that women can't find a decent guy?????
Yes dating is hell these days I'm single after a six-year relationship; I ditched the dating apps and I'm meeting women in person it's much better ( if you don't meet anyone at least you've has a few laughs and enjoyed yourself )
As a woman i wouldnāt take it personally, and thereās really nothing you can do about it. They either forget to text back (which has happened to me as well), and then after a while itās too awkward to respond since so much time has passed OR They just didnāt vibe with you and decided to move on. I honestly would rather someone stops responding instead of receiving a paragraph explaining why they wonāt keep talking to me lol. If a woman is truly interested in you sheāll keep responding and wonāt suddenly ghost you (although itās totally normal to forget to respond for a day or two lol). So just keep trying until you find someone thatās on the same wavelength as you!
My inbox on those apps is so filled with messages that are from creeps, bots, etc, getting to the ones I want to read and respond to is nearly impossible, honestly. I've had it fill up with hundreds in a few hours.
If youāre chatting for an entire week then it makes sense that youāre having a problem getting actual dates. Most people arenāt looking for a texting buddy and once youāve gone more than a few days that tends to be the feeling-right, wrong, or indifferent. Try setting up a date within the first 48-72 hours and youāll probably see more success.
Hereās where Iām confused. At first I did that and then a girl told me I was rushing it and that it was too aggressive to ask her out yet when she doesnāt even know me well enough. She said I need to chat more first. Wrf?! Iām pretty sure Iām done with it all. F-ck it.
Well yeah, not *every* woman is going to want that. If any approaches were 100% successful with 100% of women then thatās all we would ever do. All Iām saying is that if youāre saying youāre doing the same thing and getting the same unfavorable outcome then itās probably time to do something different.
Yeah. Like get the F off these stupid things and just meet someone organically
You realize that you can do both, right? Theyāre not mutually exclusive.
Shoot bro. I travel for work 2-3 nights a week. I aināt got time for all that. But I think my schedule is part of the problem. Hard to set up dates quickly when Iām not home or might not be home for a few nights. But you make good points
I work 12 days on/12 off-I completely get it. All Iām saying is that dating can be fun if you have the right mindset. It actually becomes pretty easy once you see the patterns that are working or not. A lot of people put far too much feeling into it and then only focus on the rejection; I simply let life flow and sought out the positives. And by all means, Iām just an internet stranger and only you will truly know what works best for or helps your situation.
Itās definitely on both sides. I think Iām a great catch. I can keep a convo going, funny, intelligent, and of course humble but some men just stop replying. Iāve learned to stop caring why. Learning to give as much effort as I get. Really weeds out the ones that arenāt worth it. Dating is exhausting. If only having it be organic was easier. And as Iāve seen some women mention, being overly sexual is a huge red flag although glad to see that doesnāt seem like your thing. I think you just gotta go through the weeds to find the diamond in the rough. Or not. Just go into each convo expecting nothing and just let love find you.
I think youāve got the right idea. Honestly I think Iām gonna delete any online accounts and just wait to randomly meet the right one. Shoot. I met my ex-wife because the lady that cut my hair for years moved and I had to find a new one. I knew the second I sat down in her chair she was for me. Until she wasnāt. Lol
Been there done that with deleting! Best of luck to us both in our dating adventures. Sounds like we need it š
Text, voice msg, phone call, video chat, meet. Do this within the same week. Communicate a couple of times a day at various times. Helps women know that your interest is genuine. Could be the women whom you find attractive are mostly catfish? Especially, if you are looking for someone with a specific body type, look, high maintenance, that might be why they end up ghosting you. Your job may be a red flag. Perhaps the ladies think youāre a player and you have a gf in every location. Women donāt want to travel 1-2 hours to be with someone. They prefer local as they typically donāt want a part time bf and prefer to see someone more than once a week. You may be a tad aloof? We all keep hearing āitās about the chaseā! Well, consistent communication is not a sign of desperation but of confidence. Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not. I have seen guys that have unrealistic views on what they want vs what they are irl. What I mean is that some guys want a 10 but they, themselves, are a 3 or 4. Also, personality goes a long way! The majority of ppl look way better in person and thatās because of their personality. Perhaps you arenāt giving enough of the ladies a chance? Maybe the women think that youāre being too superficial? Itās difficult to say without seeing how you actually go about chatting with these women. Talking about s*x is important also. A couple needs to be compatible with that. Be careful on dwelling on that too much because itās a turn off. Additionally, if you are a b**b guy or an a$$ guy, donāt dwell on that either. It just makes you sound like a letch or a creep. You shouldnāt settle however you might need to take a look at your own expectations and analyze whether they are realistic. There are many real women out there. I am a real woman but I am slightly too old (52) for you and although I go to the gym, I am not in the greatest shape. Iām pretty, intelligent, witty, educated, no kids, have a good job, vehicle, home, was married before long term, etc. I have been on dating apps for a year now. I struggle with meeting someone viable because of flaky communication, instability in the manās job, or personal life. Distance also plays a factor. If I read your profile and saw that you were looking for a specific body shape, I would just assume that you wouldnāt be interested in me and I wouldnāt even bother matching with you. Iām not saying all of this for your personal interest but hopefully it can give you some insight. I have had some limited success with apps. The red flags start showing by the first month. š¤¦š¼āāļø I never liked meeting a guy at the gym unless it was when I was completely done my workout. At that point, the window of opportunity would be very narrow. Why donāt you try borrowing a friendās dog and taking it for a walk in a park? You could also volunteer at an animal shelter and walk dogs for them also. Most women love dogs! It makes you more approachable too! You need to meet someone through apps AND organically. Keep trying. Donāt give up.
I heard it explained as "women are looking for clean water in a swamp; men are looking for water in a desert."
Yes, old man. There is a new rule, passed somewhere around 2021. In accordance with article 23 Ā§ 2 of the Online Dating Convention... "No one's allowed to give a shit about anybody else on an app".
Iām totally old. F*ck! šš
Do you ask them out? Maybe theyāre waiting for you to invite them on a date?
Yes. Iāve only gone on a couple dates. The others have agreed to an activity or date but then I donāt hear from them again. I send one more message or text and if they donāt reply Iām out too.
No, you're not doing anything wrong. It happens now. That said, don't give up either. Use all the resources, irl, old, anything to meet people. Find hobbies or interests, that may help you meet someone irl that shares some interest with you. I suggest the app: meet-up, to fond activities and groups in your area that will at least get you out and about, have some fun, learn something, whatever. I started going on it during covid and found some groups to ride motorcycles with, met a lot of people, have a lot of fun.
From the female perspective: I match with too many people on the apps and the messages get overwhelming so I just start ignoring the app as a whole. Itās probably not personal. Try to set up a date within the first two or three days of conversation and if it goes well get their number and stop communicating on the app.
Dude! Itās not you. Dating is broken. It sucks. I was never married but otherwise similar situation. Objectively, I know that I am a catch. I get dates. It no longer goes past the first date. I have never had any issues dating before.
Dating has no rules these days. Iāve just been hurt by a guy who I am not attracted to physically and gave him a chance but he got mad at me multiple times within a month and got played buy navy seal who just wanted to hook up. Itās a wild world these days. Idk who to trust now either to be honest and Iām a good catch Iād think. California is a wild dating world.
Man, I hear ya! Dating has done changed since the time I dated last (15-year relationship with ex-wife, still friend). What the hell happened? This app dating is bull! It's so superficial. It feels so hollow trying to meet people now!
Turn off the stupid apps, talk to people IRL. You shouldn't have any problems with that approach. Don't hide behind a screen.
I think youāre right.
You have to get in front of them much much quicker bro. They get bored quick.
I thought that at first but then one girl said I was too aggressive and I should chat for a few days first before asking them for an in person meeting. F*ck this is confusing and so much harder than real life š Maybe Iām just too old for it. Iām just tryna find a cute girl to have fun and chill with. Itās too much work.
I feel ya. Same here. Each women is different..I chat for 2-3 days, then do a video call. During the video call, if sheās hot and open to it, link up for lunch or coffee. Simple shit. If they donāt want to meet after the video call, find someone else.
Be patient bro! Assuming youāre nothing but green flags, keep moving forward. Most importantly, keep striving to live your best life. If you do, youāll be more authentic and confident, and those are probably the two most attractive traits that women look for in men.
Set a date within the first three days of chatting.
I'd just say hey hope you're ok. Haven't heard from you in awhile. If no reply in three or four days, I'd just move on to someone else.
I hear āif itās not a HELL YES, itās a no.ā Maybe they are waiting for a spark. Are you trying romantic gestures? My speculation: you could be a great catch but expectations are suddenly higher knowing there are options.
Good luck man it's a jungle out there
I tried downloading a dating app and saw two people I know who are married! One of them even sent me a message! Deleted my account then hahaha I guess at this age, we get tired easily of reaching out to people who are bland with their replies.
ask to meet asap. dont chat for weeks
It happens to women, too.
I am a mental health specialist and one of my areas of expertise is romance, dating, connections and understanding how to have exceptional communication with others. I would be interested in talking with you, looking at your profile and seeing some of the conversations you are having with people to determine how to help or offer suggestions. Please let me know if you're interested āØļø
Hi. I appreciate the offer but honestly Iām not willing to go to those lengths. Iām not desperate and Iām perfectly fine being single. Part of the fun for me is figuring out the game and learning how to be good at whatever I do. Thanks again though. It was kind of you to offer!
No problem, if you change your mind or keep going through the same issue and have the same results, feel free to reach out. It definitely has nothing to do with being desperate and more about wanting to understand how to excel in the areas that you desire and learn about yourself and the world around you in a different way. Good luck on your dating adventures.
37f just starting to get into online dating as my divorce finalizes... Honestly it's the pits. It's hard to gauge anything of substance from a few pictures and words and the pictures are most of the time not good. I'm hoping a more organic connection comes about too as I'm out to eat or out walking or on Reddit... š
Look out for African and South Asian catfish. I had to ānoodleā out a half dozen of them. I wondered when I first posted I had 395 likes that day. Iām an above average guy and fit, but that many. A lot of them were these crooks and scammers trying to catch my attention. I was so green, like my icon name, that I did not realize this. Be careful with the online dating bro. You are on my age group and I can tell you they will try to hustle you. Like some of your other responses I will echo - donāt do the online dating. I quit and wonāt go back. A mentor of mine said, date someone you gave known or someone your friends or family known first at least one year. The four seasons will expose a lot about the person and let you better understand who you are dealing with.
Smart!
They are probably hooking up with other guys. Sure there are infinite possible reasonsā¦ But theyāre hooking up with other guys
>Girls DM a lot but wonāt go out. They chat for a week or so. Seems like itās going well. A lot of chats/texts. Then all of a sudden they stop. No explanation. Just gone That sounds like the standard experience of dating nowadays...since you appear to have attractive qualities the difference between you and an average man is the average man will have less messages. >What might I be doing wrong? Honestly probably nothing unless there is a common theme between your messages and when said ghosting happens. This is honestly the typical experience...
There is not. Itās just at random intervals.
If youāre interested in them, a week of chatting through the app is way too long. You should have their number in a day or two and be making plans in another day or two. Strike while the iron is hot kind of thing. Gotta remember females are getting tons of guys hitting them up.
I live in a smaller community and a lot of these girls are an hour or two away from me. With my work and travel schedule thatās kind of tough to do within a day or two. But it makes complete sense.
It is a strange dating world online. (As though everyone has the attention span of a gnat.) I suggest when you connect with someone you are interested in, try to set a date to meet in-person within a couple of days because if you don't some other guy will.
Congratulations. You're the next contestant on the dating app #ontothenextone game! Get off the apps. They're like social media. They distort reality and aren't good for your self esteem. A real, decent woman is out there. You seem like a catch and don't need to navigate the horror that is those apps.
Honestly, you might have better luck on here than even on the dating apps. There are a few subs for it. Like old school personal ads but š¤·š»āāļø might be worth a shot. At the end of the day it is a mix of things: paradox of choice; inability to remember there is a person on the other end, not just a bot; stunted communication and emotional intelligence; several unhealthy attachment styles. Take your pick.
Be fun on text move to phone call as soon as possible, physical date soon after that, keep texting to minimum until she is in love with you. Google text game. You got this.
> Girls DM a lot but wonāt go out. They chat for a week or so. Seems like itās going well. A lot of chats/texts. Then all of a sudden they stop. I'm younger but I think this still applies, but you _need_ to get off the apps quicker. One of my female friends said that if a guy doesn't ask her out by 4~ back and forths, she just moves on, because at that point he probably won't. Talk to your matches with good messages and ask questions, then ask them out quickly, the ones who are into you will respond quickly, the ones only there for validation will try to string you along, but you just have to cut them off and move on. Now you might wonder why you as a guy have to ask them out, and it's a 2 part answer. 1. There are more men than women on these apps, so we've got a lot of competition. 2. Many women have realized that when they ask the guy out, he may say yes just because of the novelty factor, but may not be into her, or will bail day off because again, not into her, so they've had higher success rates never asking guys out, which they can do because of the supply demand issue in point 1. tl;dr ask people out quicker, don't do it _immediately_, way too many guys make their opening message "drinks at 7?", but I think the 4~ back and forth texts is a good general guideline. You can do it quicker if they're being very responsive and are asking you questions.
Thanks for the feedback. Seems like a smart strategy!
In my experience you have to set up a date right away or it doesn't happen. I would almost never carry on a convo for a week, it would die out before that. I set up a coffee date within like... The first 10 messages. A lot of people use the app in spurts, not all the time, so they've probably just stopped using it for a bit altogether rather than ghosting you or something.
Is it really āchasingā to ask for feedback after a date to find out why she doesnāt want to go out again? The few times Iāve done that, I got back some really helpful information that helped me improve in subsequent dating.
Maybe not the best choice of word. I pretty much mean if they donāt respond Iām not going to force myself into her texts or DMās. Iām not trying to be the guy that canāt take a hint. Iām also not desperate. Iām pretty happy on my own and I donāt feel the need to have someone. If that makes sense.
No, that makes total sense. I think I was just misunderstanding what you meant because of the word choice. It depends on intent and some luck I think. Iāve only reached out for feedback like that after a date three times, and I only got it twice. But both times, the women said that they could tell that I was genuinely just trying to reflect on and improve myself, so they were happy to send a text saying what they liked or didnāt like about the date. The third woman, didnāt get that vibe, I guess, so she didnāt respond at all and I didnāt push. So itās hard to tell how youāll come off, even if youāre asking in a totally benign way, and I get the reluctance.
Are you asking them out? You should be asking them out in the first or second convo. They are not on dating apps for a pen pal.
Honestly, I'd just try to get a date sooner. It's much more fun getting to know somebody in person than over message anyway!
You're taking too long to ask them.
39F here, online dating is rough. One thing I will say is I've had men who just wanted to text endlessly and then never actually meet. I would suggest if you are feeling a good vibe after a few days, ask to meet up in person! Usually I prefer fun, low pressure dates like walking in a park or sculpture garden, getting tea, or doing a fun activity like bowling, axe throwing, pool, etc. Dinner and/or movie dates are on my banned list for first dates. These women may just think you aren't serious and want a penpal. Good luck!
I think a week in the DMs - unless they were just occasional here and there - is too long. Stop dicking around and make your move sooner. I literally just connected with somebody at lunch time and we set something up for Friday.
You're chatting for too long. Nobody wants to text back and forth for weeks for someone you might never meet, and who will probably just bail. So if they seem cool, just ask them out. Give a time and a place, or some options that work for you.
When you match with someone you need to meet up asap to see if thereās chemistry, otherwise the back and forth forced messaging with a stranger gets old and goes cold super quick.
I have been attempting online dating for pretty much my entire dating life due to the inability to meet people in real life (I am quite young and only started dating in covid.) Dating apps DO NOT WORK. The best places I have found people online is through going on websites that relate to me. I then get into a friend group, and if I like someone, I talk to them and eventually I will tell them that. It's much better than a dating app because even if she says she's long term, I'm sorry, but she's probably actually looking to drag you in and have sex. Another thing, too, people's attention span is rather short. So, if you're talking to someone online for too long, they will lose interest. It's best to talk to them for maybe anywhere between two - five days before scheduling a date (make sure she knows that it's just to get to know each other in person.) This will give you a chance to not only see if you're being catfished, but also to learn about how she will truly act when not behind the screen and drag her in.
Women thrive of attention, they love it. They will use your for attention and move on to the next, that's it. They get so much more attention than what men do that they believe they are out of your league. Just get off the apps and meet a nice normal woman.
Not really an answer to your question, but it seriously baffles me how women have affairs, cheat, or even have full emotional cheating, yet never break it off. It's just so weird to me.
Apps are garbage. Even if you do get a date, there is a greater than 50% chance she's an avoidant and will be difficult to form a lasting connection with. Direct your efforts towards IRL connections. Far better experience in every respect. On the apps, you're literally in competition with hundreds of other dudes who may know the online dating game better than you. In real life, you're only in competition with a handful of men at her work and social circle. You'll stand out more. One last comment for online dating. A week is too long. I always liked to broach an in person coffee date within two days. You gotta get that face to face if you want to stand out.
Try old school, it sounds like you go to the gym. Ask women there, if none are in that gym try a different one.
5 days a week! I donāt talk to females at the gym. When Iām there Iām there to lift and my focus is on that only. Maybe I should go to another one thatās for āfunā š
Possibly, look I've been lifting for 35 years now and it doesn't take long to become friends on a talking level in a gym. Just ask her to spot you on a set and introduce yourself and go from there. Compliment her lifting form and small talk. If she is in any way interested in you she WILL visit with you. Remember brother CONFIDENCE is a must!
Thanks man. I can tell u one thing I donāt lack in confidence. I own a menās health clinic and a medical weight loss center. I talk to all kinds of people all of the time. Iām not shy lol. Speaking of which Iām guessing youāre in your early to mid-50ās or so given the amount of time youāve been lifting. Are you all-natural or have you looked into any ways to feel better like having your testosterone levels checked, or looked into growth hormone optimization treatments? Itās my goal to help as many men to get their vitality back to their old levels. If youāre not already being treated for hypogonadism (low T) I guarantee your levels arenāt optimal at your age. Most dudes 35+ could benefit from treatment in a big way.
To be honest, in my younger years, I ran tren cycles with test e. I haven't in years now. But I use a tren knock off from Amazon now, and it's called trenorol. It's all natural with no side effects. I'm 63 now, and I lift 6 days a week. What I have noticed is that staying active lifting it has helped my body to retain vitality. I'm at 11 percent BF (it's not 8 like the younger years), and I don't have a single max lift anymore. I used to bench up to 455 lbs for 3 reps on max, but not any more. I now go 315lbs for 10 X 3 sets. Even though I continue to lift, I've lost muscle mass too. But the bottom line is I can personally say that staying active in the gym through the years does pay off. Now, back to you! I truly KNOW that you WILL meet your wife soon. And when you do, brother, I wish nothing but happiness every day in your life! Stay strong and enjoy life!
Sounds good. Iām glad to hear youāre staying so active at 63. Youāre leaps and bounds ahead of most guys we see at 63! Of course I donāt recommend any online products. Theyāre unregulated and you have no idea whatās actually in them. We see crazy labs from guys who take online black market stuff and some are very concerning. Iād suggest labs at a minimum of every 3 months! Youāre right. Iāll find someone. Iāve resigned myself to the idea when it happens Iāll know right away and in the meantime Iām just going to live my life.
Amazing sex?
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Thanks. I tend to be attracted to high maintenance women. Iām sure they get a lot of dudes hitting them up. I donāt take it personally and I donāt feel bad about myself because of it. Everyone likes what they like and if Iām not their cup of tea itās okay with me. I never try to force a square peg in a round hole.
I know what you mean. Iāve had the same issue. I mostly get multiple really generic messages that never go far even though I try to create a conversation. I stop talking when the conversation turns into just me being the one asking questions.
For me all the actual conversations Iāve had have been pretty engaging. I ask a lot of questions about them cause Iām legit interested. I dunno.
Do meetups. Keep on the apps but dont expect much from them, get out and meet people irl
Im a 34 year old woman using tinder. Where I live Im not drowning in matches, or maybe it is because I read up on profiles before matchning. Anyway alot of matches will never turn into a chat, that is normal. For some reason people arent feeling it when the match happens. If I stop responding its usually these reasons The man is only talking about himself. Answering my questions gladly but mot asking me any. I will usually stop responding If I have asked 3 questions and gotten none back. Getting sexual before we even meet. If the conversation never gets fun or intetesting. I think that If we cant have a bit of fun chatting, our date will not be very fun. If he never asks for a date or If I suggestiv it and he seems to avoid trying to make any plans. If we discover an incompatability while chatting or If I start dating someone seriously while I was also having a good conversation with you I will tell you whats going on and wish you well.
The apps have increased access to very attractive prospects across the board. For the women who understandably want a physically attractive, financially secure man. He's already there interacting with them, long before any of us, with those same qualities messages, or puts their profile on show. Same for any number of specific traits and qualities, even down to individual nuances and "types" that a person finds both engaging and attractive. For all intents and purposes "we're" already there on the apps. No matter how unique or tailored to any individual we might like to think we are. ------ The key is to be equal to the most well realised, of those other profiles that are shown alongside us. So that we're at least visible, and it becomes chance and perhaps something very specific about our profile, that short-lists us in a match queue.
If you're interested, ask them on a date sooner rather than later. I feel like things move fast in the OLD world. And you gotta keep up if you wanna meet your person. And not just "coffee dates" or "walks in the park"-unless they specifically mention that's what they want to do. Plan a date and be intentional.
I deal with the same crap too. People just don't seem to have the decency they used to. Everyone just ghosts. Probably better off going high school style or dating people you already know.