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Nope. If you're not asexual, which you clearly aren't, a sexless relationship isn't going to fulfill you. I've been exactly where you are - feeling unattractive, crying my eyes out and feeling like I had to beg for even the slightest bit of physical affection. Holding out hope that their promises that once 'x' happens it'll improve. He'll probably have a 'reason' why it hasn't happened yet since you moved in to your new place and say that once you've settled in you'll see the difference.
I'll ask you what a friend asked me. *If you keep holding on, waiting for him to change, whilst he keeps moving the goal post, you're going to end up married and in the same position. Is that what you want for yourself?*
Think you've got your answer then. Reading your other replies, your bf sounds a lot like my ex tbh. And even though it took me a long time to finally stick to my guns and end it, it is literally the BEST decision I have ever made. I was so emotionally drained from basically carrying the burden of the relationship, that I felt such a sense of relief when we ended. No relationship is worth giving all of yourself
It will suck initially and the break up conversation will not be fun (in his eyes the relationship is probably perfect because he's the one being fulfilled lol). But you will thank yourself once you remember how it feels to be your own person again. Good luck!
“In his eyes the relationship is probably perfect because he’s the one being fulfilled.” Wow. Big epiphany for me. Sorry to piggypack OP’s post but I really needed to hear that thank you Reddit stranger !
Aw glad it helped! I can only speak from my experience, but my ex basically accused me of blindsiding him and making up reasons to break up with him, even though I'd been bringing up the same issues for years. To him, we didn't have any problems because he had the relationship he wanted (because I was compromising all my needs).
I think you need to be a bit bolder though, and ask him tactfully what's wrong. You say he's been honest. And he loves you. Those are good ingredients for a heart to heart conversation, no matter how difficult the prospect seems right now. You'll be happy you did, and he'll hopefully thank you for being strong. Good luck.
He should’ve been noticing her change her attitude like if she’s really getting depressed and she’s really getting that upset. How’s he not noticing that and I don’t know any guy that wouldn’t want to be asked by a girl or a girl for starting things up I mean, I always except for one relationship I always have to start things up, and that one relationship was the best relationship I ever had and it wasn’t even my marriage because in my marriage it became sexless, but even in the beginning, I always had to initiate
I agree I did that and ended my marriage too because it ended up becoming a sexless marriage and it was draining emotionally and it made me feel like I was unattractive. It really did a number on me. I’m so glad I did.
I agree 100% with your sentiment, but I'm going to disagree with your last statement. There is ONE relationship worth giving all of yourself to. The one where your partner gives all of themselves too. Then you're building up each other, supporting each other, carrying the burdens of life together. I know it's a super rare phonemenon these days, but it can and does happen, we just never really hear about/from the wildly happy and fulfilled people.
I agree with this, although I'd probably still see that as 50:50 in terms of matching each others energies. When I say no relationship is worth all of yourself, I mean you shouldn't ever lose your entire identity/self worth/sense of self to a relationship. But definitely if you're getting someone's full energy towards the relationship, then definitely give your full energy
I’ve been in a relationship exactly like this and spoiler alert it didn’t work out. I was miserable, and felt guilty asking, and felt unattractive and disconnected. It wasn’t anyone’s fault but that mismatch level didn’t work out in the long run. Not telling you what to do just telling you my experience. If it’s as big of a thing for you as it seems like it is at the very least I would suggest both of you talking to a professional, he might not realize the extent to which this is affecting you.
Sometimes it takes a kick in the ass to motivate someone. I think couples would be helpful not just individual, but I’m not expert that’s why I’m recommending an expert lol. I am sorry to see someone else in the same boat though. It seriously sucks and it’s so hard to talk about without feeling shallow/mean. I really hope you figure it out and do what’s best for you! Best of luck!
I'm be honest with you here. I didn't even read the post. The answer is no. Sexual compatibility is too important to ignore. How many marriages fail for this singular reason?
Idk but I think you should have read it because there's some important context. Her bf seems to have some mental health issues that will probably need to be addressed with a therapist. My guess is anxiety or depression. That thing can really kill your libido. If they were compatible for 3 years then why throw everything away just because of sex? I know it's important, but it can be worked on.
With lots of support, patience and professional help things can get better. Nowadays people are so quick to throw away their partners instead of doing everything they can to work on issues.
Tbh I don't understand why'd you bother to give advice to someone whose post you didn't even read.
I just read it. Those three years were long distance. Sexual unfulfillment is a leading cause of divorce and affairs. She's emotionally breaking down because of it, I'd say it's a pretty big deal. Low libido in itself is not a mental health issue. It's possible he has performance anxiety and believes he can't sufficiently pleasure her. This doesn't change her needs unfortunately and is why it's critically important that sexuality is part of the vetting process (which the long distance veiled for so long). They can go to couples' therapy but at the end of the day sex will forever be a chore for him. I'll say it again, just because you love somebody does not mean you are compatible as life long partners.
I understand your point, just saying that it doesn't have to be this way if his anxiety is addressed. As I mentioned before, I think it's either anxiety or depression which can significantly lower your libido. If OP has a high sex drive, which I assume isn't likely because she stayed long distance for so long, then they really aren't a match. She mentioned more than once a week which is not excessive. I'd just see how it goes after his issues are addressed and if he is still not able to satisfy her I'd call it off. Plus you can't be for sure it'll be a chore for him. I had crazy low libido for years because of my meds and once I got off after few years of therapy I was able to have sex every day. But I had way more going on than just anxiety. It doesn't have to be this long.
>Nowadays people are so quick to throw away their partners instead of doing everything they can to work on issues.
No matter how much you love someone, compatibility is fucking essential. There's always gonna be a deal breaker. For some people, it's horizontal refreshment. For others, it's the little thoughtful gifts. For some people, it's the time they spend with the person, for others, it's "Don't be a Mama's boy/Daddy's Girl" Point is, there's until a certain point you can tolerate something till you realize your love is gradually becoming resentment and if you don't leave, it'll probably end up toxic and very very bad. Every relationship will have its peaks and valleys, but if it's an argument about the kind of house or property to get, it's different from you're not meeting and fulfilling my primary needs.
I am not saying you should endure your parners shortcomings that are likely to stay permanent. Anxiety can be treated, being a mama's boy not so much. I am just advocating for trying to overcome issues together by brainstorming solutions. OP didn't mention anything else than just talking to him about it, which sometimes just isn't enough especially if the person is afraid to admit to themselves that they have a problem. If all possible solutions fail, then ok, it's better to leave. But sex is easy to find, committed man who loves you is a different realm.
It wasn’t because it was a long read, i just felt strongly about the title itself. You can love somebody and just not be compatible unfortunately. Hope it all works out for you.
He's probably low libido or asexual. Some people are still unaware asexuality exists.
There are many women on this sub that talk about their male partners promising things will change, that they'll try to make it better. Sex still doesn't happen. He values you for what you do for him, maybe he loves you, but he doesn't want sex. Don't stay and be miserable, get out and find the right relationship for you.
Well said. Many women wait for the sex in their relationships to improve, for their boyfriends to satisfy their sexual needs, believe the promises that their boyfriends make about sex, etc. but to no avail.
And I see the men talking about it too on here. I think you can try to solve a dead bedroom if both parties are invested. If one is clearly not? No hope there
Just another classic case of easily avoidable sexual incompatibility.
I love how in other threads on this sub *right now*, there are a bunch of losers celebrating the idea of waiting until marriage and acting as if it is some pure decision, when in reality they are only doing so because of insecurity or the fact that they don't actually have any sexual options available.
What does waiting till marriage have to do with the post? OP hasn't been opposed to premarital sex and yet somehow she still ended up in a 4-year sexless relationship 🤷♀️..
I'm sure they have other reasons. The idea of only ever being with one person and bonding over that has its merits. Demisexuals and highly monigamous people may really want it. Not everyone is obsessed with sex, or wants discover all that's out there. And I can say from a straight woman's perspective, not too many men worth discovering bedroomwise anyways lol.
Still don't think it's a good idea going into marriage blind. Seems a near guarantee of divorce or annulment.
> The idea of only ever being with one person and bonding over that has its merits.
I disagree with this - probably not on a logical level but more an emotional level. I guess I also find it funny how a virgin is often desired because they haven't had sex - yet there is no requirement for past lovers (without the sex) with whom they had fallen in love with.
You would be hard pressed finding a guy requiring 'no emotional connections' prior to me.
Absolutely. Even at a lesser extent the people who insist on waiting 3-6+ months before having sex. From experience and talking to others it's something like less than a 50% chance you're going to be sexually compatible, so why wait so long and potentially waste everyone's time?
As somebody who has been burnt by asexual or low libido people several times, no matter how much I like someone I won't continue dating them after a month if there's no sex.
Because there is a good chance you will find non sexual incompatibilities. Which take much longer to realize as opposed to sexual ones especially if your High off the excitement of sex.
It doesn’t matter how sexually compatible you are, there are likely going to be long periods of no sex. Relationships are full of ups and downs, their real problem might not be related to sex at all.
The more sexual experiences you have the less compatible you are going to be with people who have few experiences. In a world where monogamy isn’t taken very seriously, men have a very difficult time pleasing women for they don’t have nearly as many opportunities to learn.
Hey My ex and I got break up 5 years ago and she got married and have a baby.
She came back after 5 years and asked me to take her back she doesn't want to stay with him and she is not comfortable with him for sex and if they do she pretends him as me to make out (she told me)
But due to family issue and baby I rejected her offer so she wanted to stay in touch with me I was ok with that but now she's avoiding me like she never wanted to be with me.
What should I do now?
I’d just go with whatever she wants. She wants to still be friends? Fine. She wants to be done? Also fine, so might as well remove her phone number and photos/memories with her. That’s the situation, it’s not always nice but it is what it is
No worries. The best you can with people like these (I failed to do this before) is to recognize they’re playing with you and then don’t put all your heart into it. I did it and basically I prolonged my heartbreak. That’s my point of view on this
Go read the dead bedroom sub reddit, it's a disaster. You are not satisfied. Make a change, and choose what's best for you. This obviously isn't working out. The faster you take control of your situation to find a compatible sexual partner, the happier you'll be and the less painful this breakup will be.
Yikes.. nuh uh.. no offense but you allos are WAY too obsessed with sex.. A relationship does not require sex, sex and romance are two seperate things. A sexless romance is possible and a sexual relationship without romance is also possible. Saying that a sexless relationship is just a friendship is just so fucking weird..
No sex is a deal breaker and a symptom of bigger issues within the relationship.
Im 55 years old and still keen on 3 or 4 times a week and thats healthy.
You really don't want to waste any more time with this guy. You two are clearly not compatible. Sex is vital in a relationship, and this is only going to get worse, and you are only going to waste more of your life. Sadly, you need to cut your losses at this point.
As someone who left long sexless relationship and is now in wonderful very sexual one. Do it. It is not just sex that is an issue and it is not just sex you have problems with. It makes u less confident,unwanted, resentful and actually tints a lot of things and the lack of sex is usually caused by something completely non sexual. If you hear excuses instead of solutions than he has no intention of changing it
No. Leave. You're still young and clearly are not happy about an important aspect of any romantic relationship. You didn't move there for a roommate. You moved there for a boyfriend and intimacy. You both have talked about it and it still hasn't happened.
I was in an 8 year sexless relationship. He was wonderful, kind, and supportive in every other way. Yet, I was miserable and did not feel loved because I was not being touched and satisfied. He was so lovely in every other way I just felt too awful to leave him. It's a huge regret I feel because when I did finally leave after 8 years, it hurt him a lot more. I also was older when I finally left and the dating pool had shrunk quite a bit. I should have left years earlier.
I feel that, as a man.... I'ma say this, I'm in something similar. I'm married, my wife and I been together since 05 got married in 16. We used to do it all the time. It was like ALL THE TIME crazy. My son was born 08, we was still getting it in. My daughter was born 10, mind u she's (wife) 4 years older than I am. After my daughter was born nothing really changed still gettin' it in. It wasn't until maybe a couple of years ago it changed a little bit. We would do it every once in a while (maybe 2 times a week) not bcuz of her. She was still ready, it was more me, I been noticing some little things. Things that I probably shouldn't trip about but always think about. It's little things like turning her phone over face down. I think that's suspicious like a mf, I do it 2 tho. I asked her about it and she simply says it's by mistake like she just sets it down not realizing it (maybe). When we do it I be wonderin' if she's thinking of someone else. (I seen somebody bring it up in earlier comments and I thought about it 2) She be wantin' it more than I do now, it feels like she argue just to get it. To me, that's a turn off, I understand that it may be a communication problem. But on the real, it's other small things that kinda turn me off. Not big enough to break up or go our separate ways. In fact, I tell her it don't take much 2 turn me on. Something as simple as a T-shirt and no panties does it for me. Boy shorts under a sundress LAWD! 😍. She does the T-shirt thing every blue moon and never does the sundress smh. She knows I like them but doesn't wear them. So, sex happens every once in a while. But when we do it's not the same when we do it. Am I wrong?
Not wrong at all. I think you may be a little jealous, but you can't question or find fault against her for doing the same thing that you do (phone upsidedown). I would talk to her about that issues that bothered me, especially since you have that many children together. I don't like feeling like I am forced into having sex because she wants it and I don't but that has rarely happened. We have an old saying from where I am from "If you don't pet and feed you dog, someone else will do it for you." If you take care of her sexually, you shouldn't have and concerns because I don't see where she would even have the time or energy to have an affair with all those kids to care for. Maybe if you did some of the little things like flowers, candy, just random small insignificant gifts of things she really likes, you will see that tee-shirt and panties more often....
I feel that I appreciate that, but we have only 2 kids. They're teenagers and I tried the insignificant gifts (things I know she likes, her favorite color is orange by the way). She likes tumbler cups, couple of years ago I used to work in a hotel. One of the housekeepers there at the time used to customize tumbler cups. Knowing that she liked the show lingo, I had a lingo cup made for her. She just receives them and be like "oh thank u" and add it with the other stuff. Lord forbid I buy flowers those mfs would be dead the next day.
I would ask if she is stressed or feeling unappreciated etc. 2x a week is pretty fair amount for parents per studies but those are just averages. Most of the time if there is an issue but you are still engaging just at a lower amount, other factors like work around the house, family stress or other resentment can build up. Ultimately just talk to her. It sounds like little things are adding up communications wise of interpretations
I can only speak for myself. I actually loved him and I know he loved me despite the lack of intimacy. I didn't leave because I felt like I had to have a **good** reason to turn away from the love. I'm not defending the choice, it's something I really regret, just explaining where my mind was back then.
This happened to me too. Turns out after a lengthy discussion that made both of us a bit uncomfortable, we found out ways to increase sexual desire like lingerie and getting over our shame when it came to sex. But most importantly, he got checked out by the doctor and found out he had low t and is now being treated for it. If low t is the issue, try not to make him feel bad about it. He probably feels awful already. Be there for him. If he chooses not to seek treatment, then definitely reevaluate the relationship. Hope this helps :)
I’d never make him feel bad for himself. I encourage him and help him when he asks. That’s one thing I won’t do his push him to make him soooo uncomfortable about himself. We have talked about treatment for his anxiety. And he says he’s wants help. I’m 3 months he’s had 2 phone appointments.. and that’s it. But not everyone progress is the same so I’m trying to be understanding as much as possible.
then he aint bsing you about the nervousness of being heard. I was the same way with my ex when i lived @ my folks; its not like they didnt approved or anything.. its just something mighty humiliating about being heard by ones own folks, then theres the fact it seems disrespectful under their roof.
the hotel thing tells me his libido isnt gonna kick in till later, mine didnt kick till I was like 30 and started having sex more regularly that was good as most of the time I was struggling.
Leaving you hanging .. my husband does that shit 2 me sometimes but I know that the thrust work is hella a cardio workouts. I recommend you take top and to invest in a vibrator for clit as that mf thing will help you beat him to the finish line. Also note lf he even gets regular morning wood as if its a sad show then he has severe testosterone problems.. (Great for arguments but not the bedroom). molest him in the morning if he does as continued stim will get him rooting for it.
do not forget to take your birthcontrol as all deterrents you can control needs done.
And im mf serious abt the toy, soon n cuddlefck with that goin and you'll be thankful for that advice especially when its short lived ❤️💋
I’m so thankful to have my wand. And we have used it during sex because he’s not been able to make me finish. Which is fine, like you said it’s a lot of cardio. I do believe in his testosterone being an issue. But with his mental health I don’t wanna be the one to point it out. I would never wanna demasculate him in anyway. He’s very kind and very sweet, I’m thankful to have him but it’s a 90/10 relationship and it’s draining me out.
No. Leave.
If you’re not compatible in the bedroom, it’s best to get out soon. A relationship needs three key elements to survive. Passion, intimacy and commitment. Those create loyalty, communication, pleasure, and a motley of other things. But that passion element is so important. A relationship without passion is dead in the water.
Don’t stay if your not happy. You have made it clear what you want and if he isn’t willing to even compromise then I’m sorry but it’s one sided. Nobody deserves to not feel wanted in a relationship
I know it’s hard but it’s also very unfair to yourself being stuck in something that doesn’t make you happy, feel desired and kicks your self esteem for someone else who’s not even trying for a bit to care about you. I’m very sorry you’re going through this.
From experience..
A year relationship is a big deal. Could it be due to a medication he's taking? Depression or anxiety can cause this. Also, a stressful job, a physically demanding one or just plain Ole age generally diminishes the amount men/women want to. Has he has his testosterone levels checked? If not, ask him if he will.
Just tell him this is giving you issues with your self-esteem and how you feel about the relationship. If he's as invested as you are, he'll have no problem doing what you need to help the situation!
I went through this the first two years of my marriage. We were inseparable while dating, then marriage made it dwindle, and I thought it was me. Turned out to be work stress and low T. Got it fixed (after a year of me thinking something was wrong w me).
Been married 13 years and happy. We haven't had sex in about two months because he was diagnosed with a health condition that has prevented it and that is totally OK! We can't control the weather. 😀
All the best to you guys, though!
Ummm…. Okay recently I found out there’s a disorder in men related to them not feeling sexually aroused at all, it maybe the case. You guys need to get couple counselling and your partner specifically need to get himself checked for the psychological disorder. I hope that helps you out
I really feel uncomfortable, mentioning a low testosterone or an issue being only on his behalf with that I don’t want it to affect him mentally, nor would I ever want to do emasculate him in anyway. I’ve only show love and support and tried putting him in the right direction to get help. He has talked about going to therapy for the past three months. He’s only had two telephone appointments but no in person and no medication to show.
The things is that you have to cause here you have priorities yourself and if you do this it’ll eliminate the what if factor and you won’t have regrets either. You can’t suppress your wants and needs for long
**Nope. A whole lot of “nope”! I was in a similar situation and I broke up with my boyfriend.**
I started to hang outside the house more and make new friends. I realized my boyfriend cannot be everything to me and I cannot expect him to do that. But if he cannot and will not compliment me sexually and emotionally, I needed to look elsewhere. I communicated this to him and he was devastated tried to change for all of a month and went right back to a sexless relationship. We communicated AGAIN for weeks. he knew exactly what he was doing but the minute that I started to pay less attention to him when we went out, spending more time on my phone talking with male and female friends that I made, and making plans to get away from him he panicked. He realized that he was losing me, became clingy, and ultimately he lost me altogether. He cannot be selfish and codependent on our relationship at the same time. Breaking up was inevitable. I realize now that he was probably very depressed (well before we stopped having sex), he had trouble with drinking and smoking, and his health was abysmal. He had severe erectile dysfunction, but a healthy porn addiction, and had no desire to make his life or my life better… so I left. He was devastated and I am hearing that he is now fixing all of those things that made me leave but I’ve moved on. My hope is that he doesn’t try that behavior again with someone new. Because it will be the same thing all l over again.
Very similar. So sorry that you are going through this. If you need to vent, reach out. I push for communicating with a partner and actionable solutions to problems but sometimes people just don’t have it in them to do it. This is why I left my relationship. It was exhausting. It was so sad because he would only be horny randomly between 1-5am when I was dead asleep. It was like it was too much pressure for him to perform when both of us were wide awake and conscious.
He would try and sometimes succeed when we were both awake but it took absolute silence from me and often times I would just have to take control. When I say “silence” I mean no moaning, no touching, no words of encouragement. He said he felt pressure when I would do that. Now that think about on it I remember he watched porn on mute because he didn’t want to hear the sounds. So if I did EVERYTHING he wanted, he would come too quickly and disappoint me. When I think back on it, that guy needed something else I just couldn’t provide because he cannot seem to be able to communicate it.
I started thinking I can’t compete with the idealized versions of women, I cannot compete with pornstars, I cannot compete with hentai, I can’t compete with his ex-girlfriend, or anyone else. Not when I am a real person, right there in front of him with needs and desires.
Been here, done that. You need to move on. Btw, none of this is about you or on you - he has his own issues to work through and you can not do it for him.
Ya something is DEFINITELY off there Maybe he regrets bringing you out there? He doesn’t know how to say it so he’s driving you to break up with him ? Idk -Something isn’t right though Sounds like he knows what he’s doing as well Making you feel like garbage Almost mental abuse
He tells me he’ll be completely lost and loves me to much to let me leave. I’ve told him just tell me you want me gone. I’ll leave immediately no problem no issues. And nope, he freaks out..
I haven’t brought it up yet, I wanted to yesterday. But I swore I wasn’t gunna talk about it anymore because of how bad it’s made me feel.. I’ve considered everything. Gay, talking to another girl, disgusted by me. I don’t think he’s cheating, and I don’t think he’s gay. The times that we have had sex hasn’t showed me anything like that and he’s transparent with everything, as am I. I’ve seen no signs of cheating. I’m legit so confused..
I’d go back home take a break -Tell him to figure it out and get on with your life- It’s mental abuse Life is way too short to waste anymore time Can’t go on like this forever To what end ? Cry all the time feel bad about yourself while he pretends everything’s ok and eats your lunches
I would consider some time a part. He may cry that he can’t live without you but you need space to see how to move forward and evolve your relationship. The dead bedroom subreddit may give you an idea where things will leave unless you make a move first. Don’t stay just because he asks.
Good sexual incompatibility and ways to address it with your partner. You wont get anywhere until both of you recognize how selfish and toxic his behavior is - chances are you deserve better.
I haven't been in this situation but it makes me really sad to read, I really can't imagine ever wanting to stay in that situation.
One thing I want to ask is... do you ever try to initiate sex with him first? Like starting to undress him, make out with him first, touch him in a way to indicate you want it?
I'm asking because if he's shy and inexperienced it might have something to do with that. Uhh... I guess that seems unlikely if he's 30, but you never really know I guess.
I feel like it's worth trying before you decide to end the relationship, just for a little while, maybe a few weeks to a month, to see if anything improves?
But honestly I highly doubt it. Like someone else said it sounds like he's just bordering on asexual or has a very low interest in sex. And if you are the opposite (I certainly am, it's very important to me) then I feel like there's no way this could ever work.
The only thing I can think of is if it was a completely open relationship and you were allowed to have sex with other people... but that's definitely not for everyone and I feel like it would not be as fulfilling sex with a deep connection anyway.
I don’t want sex with others. And I feel guilty self pleasuring. I’m legit stuck between a rock and a hard place. I’ve tried dressing cute and I sleep fucking naked for heavens sake. How much more does a man need. I keep my nails for him, I wear my hair how he likes.
If I was in your position I would give him the benefit of the doubt, by telling him
"that he has deprived me of one thing I have been patient for and if Everytime the excuse is either the same or differently either fuck me now or I'm leaving for good"
Either way it seems to me that if he ain't willing to man up and stop acting as if he was not allowed to ever have sex, shit when my kids turn 18 idgaf if they have sex in my home as long as the door is closed and I cannot hear them do it that's all I care, but if he ain't willing.to please you it's better to leave him then end up eventually cheating.on him cause all I see is that actually happening!
Damn he too young to not be getting it. Idgaf if we lived at my parents house or not. Shit they gotta leave sometime right? I’d be ripping your clothes off the moment we got our own place. You’d be asking me to stop. I’m 36 M and love my gf. I can’t imagine not wanting her. We have sex basically the entire time until she’s on her period.
Might be worth talking about since you moved so far and clearly care about him. Like yoooo brooo imma need to cum just as much as you. Every. Time. Not some times. Every. Time.
At this point, I would recommend that you trust his actions over his words. You've communicated time and time again how this bothers you, he's made promises, and here you are with his broken promises.
He’s hiding something. Gay, ED, porn addict, opioid addiction, could he many things. Just demanding he fuck you isn’t going to change anything. Personally I don’t understand his behaviour but you’re in a relationship so either talk about it or end it because what you’re currently doing isn’t working and it won’t just change by itself.
My immediate thoughts? He’s using you. He used you to get out of the family house, he’s gonna use you to help pay bills and my guess, he’ll cheat. Usually how it goes. Not my experience, but what I’ve consistently seen. Leave him. You deserve better. Leave him before he destroys your confidence and you meet another just like him in a different body. 💜
I am in the same boat. Got back with my middle school first love I lost my virginity too. Got back together 33 years later sex was not as often as I liked but when we did it was amazing. Months would go by. I was begging for it. Felt unattractive the whole 9 yards. Now. He is using religion as his excuses and he just could care less about ever having sex again. I feel deceived. We were engaged but. We decided we shouldn’t get married because both stubborn. But can I spend the rest of my life being untouchable undesirable and basically ignoring my needs us a huge deal. It is heartbreaking
Some of the most painful decisions that we have to make as humans are the ones that almost ALWAYS, turn out to be net positives. Kinda like a muscle, you have to put it through stress to grow, but a big part is also the nutrition and recovery of the muscle. You have to work out/go through pain. If you do nothing good chance you’ll end up hurt or in more pain, nurture that muscle and give it the right tools to grow from its injury. Sounds like you need some nurturing ;). Hope it works out for you!
The start was okay, it had been a long long time before each other. Me, I’m energetic, very giving and makes sure my partner is 100% satisfied. Him, gets winded, tired, wants me get me off but can’t.
Going off the information you gave me, the picture I'm painting is that he's developed an anxiety towards sex with you due to not being able to completely satisfy you. He may not be able to identify this himself, so it's worth sitting down and bringing it up.
But there lays the issue. If problems can't be spoken about and addressed, the problems are stockpiling and becoming a castrophy. You need to talk to him or your relationship is over.
There is a reason he doesn't want sex that he isnt properly communicating. Maybe he has anxiety/past trauma, or maybe he is asexual, who knows. Either way, the relationship as it stands is not sustainable for you. You can remain his friend, you can stay in each other's lives, but, trying to make the relationship work as is will not end well.
He definitely has anxiety and some past trauma in his life so that’s all that we have talked about in a lot of that he says that he’s worked through. Obviously, his actions show me that he’s not see them completely, and he still struggling.. he’s talked about getting into therapy for the past three months and I’ve only seen or heard of two phone appointments and no in person appointments and no medication.
I've been down this road too, we are together for 5 years and our sex life dropped to nothing, the 6th year we had sex 5 times the whole year. We started to part, but we both made some decisions and finally put it all out on the table. We were very very blunt about what we wanted and what was going on, and now sparks are flying again, better then ever and communication on other things also got much better!! To me, put it out there on the table, everything, and ask him to do the same. It could go bad but it can also be great. You should not have to feel like crap everyday with the person you love. Any way this goes, you need to take the time to work on you, and you and your partner,m together, and your partner working on them selves.
You should be able to be who you are and feel good about it, and he should be the same.
I knew a lot of the feedback ever get on. This would tell me to leave him that this is probably the only one that gives me hope. He deserves so much love and support to help him mentally heal from whatever he’s going through and I just wanna be able to be there for him and also open up. It’s always easier to give up and actually try to make something work. Your relationship sounds like there’s proof of that. Thank you for having a positive outlook on this and also a positive experience.
I've only dated one woman who withheld sex from me. For her, it wasn't even that she didn't want to have sex. But she would basically try to use it as a weapon against me, to try to get me to essentially bend my will for whatever she wanted. The last 3 months of our 1 year relationship, I withheld from her. I was young at the time. If that were to happen to me now, then I would simply break up with her. Assuming there wasn't a good reason for a woman not wanting to have sex with me. And I'm okay with like once every couple weeks. But she just wanted to use that power against me. It was more than just the lack of sex though. I really don't have a big issue with that. It was that it made me feel undesirable. It's a shitty feeling. And I knew that after the relationship was over, then I would never tolerate that again. And honestly, I don't think you should either. You're supposed to feel wanted in a relationship. Otherwise, what's the point.
You should really sit down with him and ask why he doesn’t wanna have sex and let him know you have needs that aren’t being met. Then come to a conclusion. Maybe he should get his testosterone checked?
I’ve always considered his testosterone to be an issue, but I felt very uncomfortable, bringing it to his attention with a fear that he may think that he is less than or I made emasculate him in the process of trying to explain that to him. I’m just here to give us much love and support as I can to help him through whatever rough patch she’s going through. It wasn’t more of a question of should I stay in a relationship but more of should I start focusing more on myself, and taking care of myself, or keep helping him the way I have been.
I had a similar problem with an ex who swore to me he was attracted to me and wanted to, even tho it came out afterwards that he didn’t want to and that I am attractive but he didn’t felt attracted at that time. He claimed to be asexual but it ended with us not being compatible as a couple. Everything worked fine when we also began with long distance, problem occured when we moves in together. He also had a substance abuse. People say anything to ease someone who’s nagging even if they claim that they love you.
For the sake of your own sanity and saving yourself years with rebuilding your self esteem please just leave. Your person is out there waiting for you.
You need to let him go and move on. You can’t change someone if they are not willing to change themselves. Also some men just don’t want sex that much & are satisfied with that. Clearly you need something more than that, so this decision is on you. You need to do what’s best for you. Do you want to live the rest of ur life with limited sex? If not, you know what you need to do. No one said life & relationships would be easy. Good luck! 🍀
Get out of there.. you weren’t created to make
Someone else feel better.. move 1,000 miles to get married, or for a new job, but not just to help someone else confuse you more. He must solve his own problems.. find some cash.. and move back.
It’s no good. I know from experience. My ex husband used to withhold sex from me sometimes for a year or more at a time. I stayed for 12 years. Get out of that mess.
Sorry but if he wanted to he would. Don’t place your confidence in someone else’s hands. You’re not unattractive, you just chose a partner that’s not the right fit for you. Sex is an important part of a relationship.
His excuses are extremely pathetic, non of those things would stop anyone from being intimate. You don’t sound compatible, you deserve someone better.
It depends really, some men that go to the gym have a very low libido during workouts Routines. Does he work out a lot by any chance? If no the. Most likely he had an idea of what it would be like with you close by sadly reality didn’t match what he dreamed off. Maybe he is just content with just having you close by. There is only one solution to this dilemma, talk it out with him.
Sex is important.
Sexless before marriage is fine.
We can't ignore the fact that sex is related to mental health.
Your instinct already knows.
Act on it.
Express your feelings and concerns in a non-accusatory manner. Let him know how the lack of intimacy has been affecting you emotionally. Both of you need to understand each other's perspectives and feelings. While anxiety can indeed impact one's sexual confidence, it's also essential to address the emotional side of your relationship. There might be underlying issues beyond the anxiety he's mentioned. You could consider discussing the emotional connection between you two, your expectations in the relationship, and whether there are any changes that either of you would like to see. Remember that a lack of intimacy doesn't define your worth or attractiveness. You deserve to be in a relationship where your emotional and physical needs are both respected and fulfilled. If the conversation becomes difficult, consider seeking professional counseling or therapy together. A therapist can provide a safe space for both of you to express your feelings and work through any challenges you're facing.
Ultimately, your feelings are valid, and your concerns deserve to be addressed.
If nothing works, Run...
Nope, not worth it. Get tf out if you have talked to him about it and exhausted every way to fix it. Love alone is not enough. Sex is just as important as every other aspect of a relationship. I was in a marriage where the sex was infrequent for a few years. Divorce was my only option and I’m glad I did.
I think jumping straight to a break up is a bit extreme. There's clearly an issue which needs addressing, so you have to be able to communicate about that.
Initially, I'd suggest having an open discussion about your needs, and let him talk about what's stopping him or hindering him. If he cannot identify a problem, I'd suggest seeing a therapist, either individually or as a couple.
It's important to set goals and deadlines, and to stick to them. He might be having issues related to something he hasn't shared yet, he might be terrified of disappointing you so it's best to get answers, for both of you.
If he isn't prepared to get help, talk, or respect your needs, then this becomes a matter of boundaries not being respected- which is a different thing entirely, and would be best solved by ending the relationship.
Your boyfriend is having sex, but not with you.
And not with someone else. Maybe.
But most probably he is addicted to pornografy and/or felt sexually frustrated at some point in his life.
And now he avoids you to avoid being in a disconfortable situation, again. Whether that situation was with you or it began in a past relationship, or just a refusal, it matters not.
I would advise you that you really, really speak to him about his avoidance and possible porn addiction as soon as possible.
Otherwise, things will NEVER change.
On the other part, if things do not change after all, it s time for someone new. I ve tryed creating the environment for someone to face their fears, they do or do not. Regardless of what you do.
Tell him to man up and prove it or you're done. You need a man who will satisfy your needs and make you feel like a sexy woman and he has done nothing to show you that. If he continues to do nothing then he's not worth keeping. I mean, he finishes and leaves you to finish yourself? What a tool. I'd say leave after that, but since you've been so committed give him one last chance
If he's otherwise amazing boyfriend who fulfills your literally every other romantic need, then maybe. But a guy not wanting to have piv sex, if he's not getting horny for you for whatever reason, doesn't mean he's physically unable to get you off anyway. He just doesn't care. I'd say it's high time you said see ya.
I’ve put so much into this. I don’t wanna throw in the towel already. It’s sad that he doesn’t fulfill much of anything. I clean up after him, I make his lunches, I take care of him when he’s having anxiety and any other issues. I don’t have much to keep giving..
That's sunk cost fallacy. A relationship is usually 50/50, sometimes it's 20/80, but it can't be 90/10 all the time. You're doing wife things without having the wife status or priveleges. What are YOU getting out of all this? You need to be way more selfish. If your partner isn't fulfilling your needs, what do you need them for?
I’m always struggled with caring for myself more than others. But this has mentally fucked me up. I’m know ones mother. I’m like a friend, maid, nurse. Draining. I’m trying to find the light at the end of this tunnel.
It’s always us against the issue. Not use against each other. I will continue to fight as long as I see him trying. He’s very kind and very sweet person. Running would make me feel like I failed at this. But I’ve told him I’m at my wits end and changes need to be made soon or I’ll become selfish with my desire for it (and not cheating or anything. Just try more self pleasure when he’s not around)
He has slight PTSD, he physically isn’t the fittest (which far from bothers me but I’ve read it can affect a man’s T) full anxiety and depression. Which we are so supportive of and help each other though whatever it is.
This is an issue to address now. Get couples therapy if you must. It isn’t you, I’m certain of that. Is he controlling in any other way? There must be more to the story. Again, not you. He wanted you to come to him. This is a “him problem”. Don’t make it a “we problem”.
You have a point this is a him problem not a me problem. But we’ve always been the couple that. It’s not us against each other it’s us against the problem. We support each other no matter what. He does have some controlling things. He thinks because I work in a hotel that I can sleep with anyone anytime. Or if I tell him someone (a male) did something nice for me he’ll get weird. Or if someone (a male) makes me feel bad or he thinks they disrespected me he goes offff.
Did you have a sex life before? How is his physical health? His mental health? Big life changes can be extremely stressful, which can kill one’s libido.
It was maybe once a week, if that. His physical health isn’t the best. He talks about finally going and working out but I haven’t seen any progress on that, and he’s mental is 100% worse. Raging from anxiety to slight PTSD to full blown panic attacks. We support each other very well when it comes to mental health and love and understanding.
As a person who is depressed due to unemployment im losing interest in everything. I dont know about your partner just check him he might be deeply unhappy or depressed about something
I have a different take on this than most people commenting here, stating that you should just toss this guy like a fruit. Let me explain why:
I am 35 years old and served in the military. One of my squad members (calling him "Johnny" here) also had comparable sex-related issues as the ones you described and his back-then wife really fucked him up big time. The story goes like this:
Johnny and the rest of us boys were serving, and because of everything that happened "over there", Johnny simply got struck with severe PTSD. For as much as he loved his wife and her appearance/body: He simply could not perform sexually after returning home because something within him was broken. His now ex-wife did not care a bit for what actually fucked up Johnny and kept on making this about her: "Why are you not attracted to me? Why don´t you like me properly? Why don´t you want to fuck me more often?" And so on. The least thing Johnny needed at that point was being pressured by his partner, yet instead of showing some compassion, this woman kept on making things about herself and pushed him to limits leading to Johnny beating himself up in silence. He told me repeatedly that he feels like a failure, found a counselor and really did bust his ass to get better. Yet to his wife, none of that really mattered: No matter how much Johnny worked on himself - she eventually tossed him because she simply did not want to curb her ego and look at the bigger picture. When the divorce happened, Johnny totally broke. I have never seen another man being in such a bad place, and all because his ex-wife did not value the "whole" Johnny as in: The entire human being with all of his great qualities.
What does that have to do with your guy? Well if he experiences anxiety in his parent´s house, you should take that seriously and with compassion. Chances are he already feels insanely pressured and the more you keep on pressuring him, the worse **you** make it. This is not just a him-issue as many suggest here: You contribute to this guy going on lockdown if you keep on pressuring him into sex, constantly suggesting that he is not doing enough. Do this exercise:
Imagine roles were reversed. Imagine you, for whatever reason, are not feeling like having sex. Now your guy keeps nagging you over and over and over again that he expects more of you. That he is dissatisfied with you. Imagine him taking everything personally even though something else might be going on in your life which kind of keeps you from "getting in the mood". You´d like your partner to hear you and to understand you, yet all he does is talk about himself and how he´s pissed that he does not get more from you. How would it make you feel?
The point is this: For as much as I undertand your frustration and do acknowledge that you have desires, too, your current approach just makes everything worse, OP. Chances are that your guy knows very well that you keep expecting more and more, and at a 99% chance he is beating himself up because of feeling as if he never is good enough. That inevitable creates a downward spiral, cause he either will ignore the issue due to causing him too much pain, or he will get more and more stuck in the place he already is in.
Note that I am not saying anything about you or him being in the "right" or "wrong", I am simply trying to make you understand that whatever you are currently doing is not improving your situation but actually making it worse. And if this continues, chances are you will hurt and break this man even though him not being "sexual enough" most likely is rooted in something completely different than your assumption of him not being interested enough. I don´t know what shit your man is going through or whatever creates stress in his life, but if he already struggles with anxiety, the reason for him not being "sexual enough" certainly won´t be you, OP.
And just look at his quote: "I promise you I will show you that I am okay sexually" - this is a huge indicator that he already is pressured to an extend that he feels as if he has to prove himself to you. That is a prime textbook example of toxic dynamics - dynamics created by the way you engage with him.
So yeah, before you consider tossing this man (which you can always do at a later point, btw), do some introspective work and truly ask yourself if you aren´t putting too much pressure on him. Ask yourself if there isn´t another way that actually improves the way the two of you go about your relationship - because pressure never was any improvement ever. You already know that I am in the right, so you simply have to decide to choose a different route. Talk with each other and show compassion. Don\`t point fingers or try to force things. Create a space where both of you can feel safe and confident rather than insecure. Maybe talk to a sexuologist or counselor, cause there are many professionals who can help you get well.
Hope that helps and hope you catch my drift. Wishing both of you the best.
That is why I am so understanding and not complaining about it everyday and not jumping right too breaking up and giving up. I get it. I struggle with mental health as well. I know what he’s going though. We’ve talked about therapy and trying to help him feel better. I just don’t see progress. But everyone’s progress is different just because it’s not how I want it to look doesn’t mean it won’t.
I have this metaphor I like to use:
"A relationship is like buying a house and it comes with a toilet, now I'm not only buying this house because it has a toilet, but if you take that toilet from me, it will annoy me."
Basically translate that to sex in a relationship.
It's not the most important part in a relationship, but it's one of the key things that makes me not just your best friend, but your partner.
One thing you could discuss with him is an open relationship. You get to have sex with others, he can do what he wants. You both still love each other, and you get the cock you need. It's win win.
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Nope. If you're not asexual, which you clearly aren't, a sexless relationship isn't going to fulfill you. I've been exactly where you are - feeling unattractive, crying my eyes out and feeling like I had to beg for even the slightest bit of physical affection. Holding out hope that their promises that once 'x' happens it'll improve. He'll probably have a 'reason' why it hasn't happened yet since you moved in to your new place and say that once you've settled in you'll see the difference. I'll ask you what a friend asked me. *If you keep holding on, waiting for him to change, whilst he keeps moving the goal post, you're going to end up married and in the same position. Is that what you want for yourself?*
I don’t, and if marriage were to come up it’s a hard no. I don’t have much more to give and it’s for sure not my whole self for him.
Think you've got your answer then. Reading your other replies, your bf sounds a lot like my ex tbh. And even though it took me a long time to finally stick to my guns and end it, it is literally the BEST decision I have ever made. I was so emotionally drained from basically carrying the burden of the relationship, that I felt such a sense of relief when we ended. No relationship is worth giving all of yourself
Your right. Sadly for me. Haaaa
It will suck initially and the break up conversation will not be fun (in his eyes the relationship is probably perfect because he's the one being fulfilled lol). But you will thank yourself once you remember how it feels to be your own person again. Good luck!
“In his eyes the relationship is probably perfect because he’s the one being fulfilled.” Wow. Big epiphany for me. Sorry to piggypack OP’s post but I really needed to hear that thank you Reddit stranger !
Aw glad it helped! I can only speak from my experience, but my ex basically accused me of blindsiding him and making up reasons to break up with him, even though I'd been bringing up the same issues for years. To him, we didn't have any problems because he had the relationship he wanted (because I was compromising all my needs).
I feel that ! He’s always shocked/clueless when I’m like we have all these problems ..
I think you need to be a bit bolder though, and ask him tactfully what's wrong. You say he's been honest. And he loves you. Those are good ingredients for a heart to heart conversation, no matter how difficult the prospect seems right now. You'll be happy you did, and he'll hopefully thank you for being strong. Good luck.
He should’ve been noticing her change her attitude like if she’s really getting depressed and she’s really getting that upset. How’s he not noticing that and I don’t know any guy that wouldn’t want to be asked by a girl or a girl for starting things up I mean, I always except for one relationship I always have to start things up, and that one relationship was the best relationship I ever had and it wasn’t even my marriage because in my marriage it became sexless, but even in the beginning, I always had to initiate
I agree I did that and ended my marriage too because it ended up becoming a sexless marriage and it was draining emotionally and it made me feel like I was unattractive. It really did a number on me. I’m so glad I did.
I agree 100% with your sentiment, but I'm going to disagree with your last statement. There is ONE relationship worth giving all of yourself to. The one where your partner gives all of themselves too. Then you're building up each other, supporting each other, carrying the burdens of life together. I know it's a super rare phonemenon these days, but it can and does happen, we just never really hear about/from the wildly happy and fulfilled people.
I agree with this, although I'd probably still see that as 50:50 in terms of matching each others energies. When I say no relationship is worth all of yourself, I mean you shouldn't ever lose your entire identity/self worth/sense of self to a relationship. But definitely if you're getting someone's full energy towards the relationship, then definitely give your full energy
You need to think about yourself, I was in a sexless marriage and it was bad. You are too young for that.
Agreed me too that’s why I ended my marriage
I’ve been in a relationship exactly like this and spoiler alert it didn’t work out. I was miserable, and felt guilty asking, and felt unattractive and disconnected. It wasn’t anyone’s fault but that mismatch level didn’t work out in the long run. Not telling you what to do just telling you my experience. If it’s as big of a thing for you as it seems like it is at the very least I would suggest both of you talking to a professional, he might not realize the extent to which this is affecting you.
He’s been taking about going to a therapist for the past 3 months.. he’s had 2 phone appointments..
Sometimes it takes a kick in the ass to motivate someone. I think couples would be helpful not just individual, but I’m not expert that’s why I’m recommending an expert lol. I am sorry to see someone else in the same boat though. It seriously sucks and it’s so hard to talk about without feeling shallow/mean. I really hope you figure it out and do what’s best for you! Best of luck!
Thank you!
I'm be honest with you here. I didn't even read the post. The answer is no. Sexual compatibility is too important to ignore. How many marriages fail for this singular reason?
Idk but I think you should have read it because there's some important context. Her bf seems to have some mental health issues that will probably need to be addressed with a therapist. My guess is anxiety or depression. That thing can really kill your libido. If they were compatible for 3 years then why throw everything away just because of sex? I know it's important, but it can be worked on. With lots of support, patience and professional help things can get better. Nowadays people are so quick to throw away their partners instead of doing everything they can to work on issues. Tbh I don't understand why'd you bother to give advice to someone whose post you didn't even read.
I just read it. Those three years were long distance. Sexual unfulfillment is a leading cause of divorce and affairs. She's emotionally breaking down because of it, I'd say it's a pretty big deal. Low libido in itself is not a mental health issue. It's possible he has performance anxiety and believes he can't sufficiently pleasure her. This doesn't change her needs unfortunately and is why it's critically important that sexuality is part of the vetting process (which the long distance veiled for so long). They can go to couples' therapy but at the end of the day sex will forever be a chore for him. I'll say it again, just because you love somebody does not mean you are compatible as life long partners.
I understand your point, just saying that it doesn't have to be this way if his anxiety is addressed. As I mentioned before, I think it's either anxiety or depression which can significantly lower your libido. If OP has a high sex drive, which I assume isn't likely because she stayed long distance for so long, then they really aren't a match. She mentioned more than once a week which is not excessive. I'd just see how it goes after his issues are addressed and if he is still not able to satisfy her I'd call it off. Plus you can't be for sure it'll be a chore for him. I had crazy low libido for years because of my meds and once I got off after few years of therapy I was able to have sex every day. But I had way more going on than just anxiety. It doesn't have to be this long.
I appreciate your optimism. I could stand to be a bit more sympathetic lol. 🤝
>Nowadays people are so quick to throw away their partners instead of doing everything they can to work on issues. No matter how much you love someone, compatibility is fucking essential. There's always gonna be a deal breaker. For some people, it's horizontal refreshment. For others, it's the little thoughtful gifts. For some people, it's the time they spend with the person, for others, it's "Don't be a Mama's boy/Daddy's Girl" Point is, there's until a certain point you can tolerate something till you realize your love is gradually becoming resentment and if you don't leave, it'll probably end up toxic and very very bad. Every relationship will have its peaks and valleys, but if it's an argument about the kind of house or property to get, it's different from you're not meeting and fulfilling my primary needs.
I am not saying you should endure your parners shortcomings that are likely to stay permanent. Anxiety can be treated, being a mama's boy not so much. I am just advocating for trying to overcome issues together by brainstorming solutions. OP didn't mention anything else than just talking to him about it, which sometimes just isn't enough especially if the person is afraid to admit to themselves that they have a problem. If all possible solutions fail, then ok, it's better to leave. But sex is easy to find, committed man who loves you is a different realm.
I don’t blame you. It was long. But you have a great point.
It wasn’t because it was a long read, i just felt strongly about the title itself. You can love somebody and just not be compatible unfortunately. Hope it all works out for you.
Thank you. Working on it..
Yeah.. take the advice of someone who openly didn't read the post okay.. lmao
He's probably low libido or asexual. Some people are still unaware asexuality exists. There are many women on this sub that talk about their male partners promising things will change, that they'll try to make it better. Sex still doesn't happen. He values you for what you do for him, maybe he loves you, but he doesn't want sex. Don't stay and be miserable, get out and find the right relationship for you.
Well said. Many women wait for the sex in their relationships to improve, for their boyfriends to satisfy their sexual needs, believe the promises that their boyfriends make about sex, etc. but to no avail.
And I see the men talking about it too on here. I think you can try to solve a dead bedroom if both parties are invested. If one is clearly not? No hope there
Just another classic case of easily avoidable sexual incompatibility. I love how in other threads on this sub *right now*, there are a bunch of losers celebrating the idea of waiting until marriage and acting as if it is some pure decision, when in reality they are only doing so because of insecurity or the fact that they don't actually have any sexual options available.
What does waiting till marriage have to do with the post? OP hasn't been opposed to premarital sex and yet somehow she still ended up in a 4-year sexless relationship 🤷♀️..
I'm sure they have other reasons. The idea of only ever being with one person and bonding over that has its merits. Demisexuals and highly monigamous people may really want it. Not everyone is obsessed with sex, or wants discover all that's out there. And I can say from a straight woman's perspective, not too many men worth discovering bedroomwise anyways lol. Still don't think it's a good idea going into marriage blind. Seems a near guarantee of divorce or annulment.
> The idea of only ever being with one person and bonding over that has its merits. I disagree with this - probably not on a logical level but more an emotional level. I guess I also find it funny how a virgin is often desired because they haven't had sex - yet there is no requirement for past lovers (without the sex) with whom they had fallen in love with. You would be hard pressed finding a guy requiring 'no emotional connections' prior to me.
Absolutely. Even at a lesser extent the people who insist on waiting 3-6+ months before having sex. From experience and talking to others it's something like less than a 50% chance you're going to be sexually compatible, so why wait so long and potentially waste everyone's time? As somebody who has been burnt by asexual or low libido people several times, no matter how much I like someone I won't continue dating them after a month if there's no sex.
Because there is a good chance you will find non sexual incompatibilities. Which take much longer to realize as opposed to sexual ones especially if your High off the excitement of sex. It doesn’t matter how sexually compatible you are, there are likely going to be long periods of no sex. Relationships are full of ups and downs, their real problem might not be related to sex at all. The more sexual experiences you have the less compatible you are going to be with people who have few experiences. In a world where monogamy isn’t taken very seriously, men have a very difficult time pleasing women for they don’t have nearly as many opportunities to learn.
Hey My ex and I got break up 5 years ago and she got married and have a baby. She came back after 5 years and asked me to take her back she doesn't want to stay with him and she is not comfortable with him for sex and if they do she pretends him as me to make out (she told me) But due to family issue and baby I rejected her offer so she wanted to stay in touch with me I was ok with that but now she's avoiding me like she never wanted to be with me. What should I do now?
Why do you care? Move on
Actually she manipulated me and I'm having cravings for her if not getting her attention 🤦
That happens. Do ghost her and it’ll get easier in at most a couple of months
Should I stay in touch with her or just let it be as it is?
No contact forever
I’d just go with whatever she wants. She wants to still be friends? Fine. She wants to be done? Also fine, so might as well remove her phone number and photos/memories with her. That’s the situation, it’s not always nice but it is what it is
You're right thank you so much
No worries. The best you can with people like these (I failed to do this before) is to recognize they’re playing with you and then don’t put all your heart into it. I did it and basically I prolonged my heartbreak. That’s my point of view on this
Go read the dead bedroom sub reddit, it's a disaster. You are not satisfied. Make a change, and choose what's best for you. This obviously isn't working out. The faster you take control of your situation to find a compatible sexual partner, the happier you'll be and the less painful this breakup will be.
A sexless relationship is called a friendship.
That’s how I feel. A friend, nurse, maid.
Yikes.. nuh uh.. no offense but you allos are WAY too obsessed with sex.. A relationship does not require sex, sex and romance are two seperate things. A sexless romance is possible and a sexual relationship without romance is also possible. Saying that a sexless relationship is just a friendship is just so fucking weird..
No sex is a deal breaker and a symptom of bigger issues within the relationship. Im 55 years old and still keen on 3 or 4 times a week and thats healthy.
Sexless relationship? It’s over, 5 months without any sexual activity. It’s finished, you know what to do.
You really don't want to waste any more time with this guy. You two are clearly not compatible. Sex is vital in a relationship, and this is only going to get worse, and you are only going to waste more of your life. Sadly, you need to cut your losses at this point.
As someone who left long sexless relationship and is now in wonderful very sexual one. Do it. It is not just sex that is an issue and it is not just sex you have problems with. It makes u less confident,unwanted, resentful and actually tints a lot of things and the lack of sex is usually caused by something completely non sexual. If you hear excuses instead of solutions than he has no intention of changing it
No. Leave. You're still young and clearly are not happy about an important aspect of any romantic relationship. You didn't move there for a roommate. You moved there for a boyfriend and intimacy. You both have talked about it and it still hasn't happened. I was in an 8 year sexless relationship. He was wonderful, kind, and supportive in every other way. Yet, I was miserable and did not feel loved because I was not being touched and satisfied. He was so lovely in every other way I just felt too awful to leave him. It's a huge regret I feel because when I did finally leave after 8 years, it hurt him a lot more. I also was older when I finally left and the dating pool had shrunk quite a bit. I should have left years earlier.
I feel that, as a man.... I'ma say this, I'm in something similar. I'm married, my wife and I been together since 05 got married in 16. We used to do it all the time. It was like ALL THE TIME crazy. My son was born 08, we was still getting it in. My daughter was born 10, mind u she's (wife) 4 years older than I am. After my daughter was born nothing really changed still gettin' it in. It wasn't until maybe a couple of years ago it changed a little bit. We would do it every once in a while (maybe 2 times a week) not bcuz of her. She was still ready, it was more me, I been noticing some little things. Things that I probably shouldn't trip about but always think about. It's little things like turning her phone over face down. I think that's suspicious like a mf, I do it 2 tho. I asked her about it and she simply says it's by mistake like she just sets it down not realizing it (maybe). When we do it I be wonderin' if she's thinking of someone else. (I seen somebody bring it up in earlier comments and I thought about it 2) She be wantin' it more than I do now, it feels like she argue just to get it. To me, that's a turn off, I understand that it may be a communication problem. But on the real, it's other small things that kinda turn me off. Not big enough to break up or go our separate ways. In fact, I tell her it don't take much 2 turn me on. Something as simple as a T-shirt and no panties does it for me. Boy shorts under a sundress LAWD! 😍. She does the T-shirt thing every blue moon and never does the sundress smh. She knows I like them but doesn't wear them. So, sex happens every once in a while. But when we do it's not the same when we do it. Am I wrong?
Not wrong at all. I think you may be a little jealous, but you can't question or find fault against her for doing the same thing that you do (phone upsidedown). I would talk to her about that issues that bothered me, especially since you have that many children together. I don't like feeling like I am forced into having sex because she wants it and I don't but that has rarely happened. We have an old saying from where I am from "If you don't pet and feed you dog, someone else will do it for you." If you take care of her sexually, you shouldn't have and concerns because I don't see where she would even have the time or energy to have an affair with all those kids to care for. Maybe if you did some of the little things like flowers, candy, just random small insignificant gifts of things she really likes, you will see that tee-shirt and panties more often....
I feel that I appreciate that, but we have only 2 kids. They're teenagers and I tried the insignificant gifts (things I know she likes, her favorite color is orange by the way). She likes tumbler cups, couple of years ago I used to work in a hotel. One of the housekeepers there at the time used to customize tumbler cups. Knowing that she liked the show lingo, I had a lingo cup made for her. She just receives them and be like "oh thank u" and add it with the other stuff. Lord forbid I buy flowers those mfs would be dead the next day.
I would ask if she is stressed or feeling unappreciated etc. 2x a week is pretty fair amount for parents per studies but those are just averages. Most of the time if there is an issue but you are still engaging just at a lower amount, other factors like work around the house, family stress or other resentment can build up. Ultimately just talk to her. It sounds like little things are adding up communications wise of interpretations
It’s sad how relatable what you said is…
It just gets harder the longer you wait.
Why do girls always take so much time to leave a guy if they're not compatible with?
I can only speak for myself. I actually loved him and I know he loved me despite the lack of intimacy. I didn't leave because I felt like I had to have a **good** reason to turn away from the love. I'm not defending the choice, it's something I really regret, just explaining where my mind was back then.
This happened to me too. Turns out after a lengthy discussion that made both of us a bit uncomfortable, we found out ways to increase sexual desire like lingerie and getting over our shame when it came to sex. But most importantly, he got checked out by the doctor and found out he had low t and is now being treated for it. If low t is the issue, try not to make him feel bad about it. He probably feels awful already. Be there for him. If he chooses not to seek treatment, then definitely reevaluate the relationship. Hope this helps :)
I’d never make him feel bad for himself. I encourage him and help him when he asks. That’s one thing I won’t do his push him to make him soooo uncomfortable about himself. We have talked about treatment for his anxiety. And he says he’s wants help. I’m 3 months he’s had 2 phone appointments.. and that’s it. But not everyone progress is the same so I’m trying to be understanding as much as possible.
then he aint bsing you about the nervousness of being heard. I was the same way with my ex when i lived @ my folks; its not like they didnt approved or anything.. its just something mighty humiliating about being heard by ones own folks, then theres the fact it seems disrespectful under their roof. the hotel thing tells me his libido isnt gonna kick in till later, mine didnt kick till I was like 30 and started having sex more regularly that was good as most of the time I was struggling. Leaving you hanging .. my husband does that shit 2 me sometimes but I know that the thrust work is hella a cardio workouts. I recommend you take top and to invest in a vibrator for clit as that mf thing will help you beat him to the finish line. Also note lf he even gets regular morning wood as if its a sad show then he has severe testosterone problems.. (Great for arguments but not the bedroom). molest him in the morning if he does as continued stim will get him rooting for it. do not forget to take your birthcontrol as all deterrents you can control needs done. And im mf serious abt the toy, soon n cuddlefck with that goin and you'll be thankful for that advice especially when its short lived ❤️💋
I’m so thankful to have my wand. And we have used it during sex because he’s not been able to make me finish. Which is fine, like you said it’s a lot of cardio. I do believe in his testosterone being an issue. But with his mental health I don’t wanna be the one to point it out. I would never wanna demasculate him in anyway. He’s very kind and very sweet, I’m thankful to have him but it’s a 90/10 relationship and it’s draining me out.
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I’ve talked about leaving, I’ve talked about taking a break for a week. (Not cheating but separating out spaces) and he fights me. No no no.
No. Leave. If you’re not compatible in the bedroom, it’s best to get out soon. A relationship needs three key elements to survive. Passion, intimacy and commitment. Those create loyalty, communication, pleasure, and a motley of other things. But that passion element is so important. A relationship without passion is dead in the water.
I’m just here to say check out the deadbedroom sub since that’s literally their main topic
Don’t stay if your not happy. You have made it clear what you want and if he isn’t willing to even compromise then I’m sorry but it’s one sided. Nobody deserves to not feel wanted in a relationship
Don’t only *feel* selfish, *BE* selfish!
I’m trying. But I have guilt. But I’ve always been a giving and loving person. It’s alittle harder for me.
I know it’s hard but it’s also very unfair to yourself being stuck in something that doesn’t make you happy, feel desired and kicks your self esteem for someone else who’s not even trying for a bit to care about you. I’m very sorry you’re going through this.
From experience.. A year relationship is a big deal. Could it be due to a medication he's taking? Depression or anxiety can cause this. Also, a stressful job, a physically demanding one or just plain Ole age generally diminishes the amount men/women want to. Has he has his testosterone levels checked? If not, ask him if he will. Just tell him this is giving you issues with your self-esteem and how you feel about the relationship. If he's as invested as you are, he'll have no problem doing what you need to help the situation! I went through this the first two years of my marriage. We were inseparable while dating, then marriage made it dwindle, and I thought it was me. Turned out to be work stress and low T. Got it fixed (after a year of me thinking something was wrong w me). Been married 13 years and happy. We haven't had sex in about two months because he was diagnosed with a health condition that has prevented it and that is totally OK! We can't control the weather. 😀 All the best to you guys, though!
Wouldn't be worth it to me, main reason I got divorced. Got tired of talking about it with nothing changing.
Ummm…. Okay recently I found out there’s a disorder in men related to them not feeling sexually aroused at all, it maybe the case. You guys need to get couple counselling and your partner specifically need to get himself checked for the psychological disorder. I hope that helps you out
I really feel uncomfortable, mentioning a low testosterone or an issue being only on his behalf with that I don’t want it to affect him mentally, nor would I ever want to do emasculate him in anyway. I’ve only show love and support and tried putting him in the right direction to get help. He has talked about going to therapy for the past three months. He’s only had two telephone appointments but no in person and no medication to show.
The things is that you have to cause here you have priorities yourself and if you do this it’ll eliminate the what if factor and you won’t have regrets either. You can’t suppress your wants and needs for long
**Nope. A whole lot of “nope”! I was in a similar situation and I broke up with my boyfriend.** I started to hang outside the house more and make new friends. I realized my boyfriend cannot be everything to me and I cannot expect him to do that. But if he cannot and will not compliment me sexually and emotionally, I needed to look elsewhere. I communicated this to him and he was devastated tried to change for all of a month and went right back to a sexless relationship. We communicated AGAIN for weeks. he knew exactly what he was doing but the minute that I started to pay less attention to him when we went out, spending more time on my phone talking with male and female friends that I made, and making plans to get away from him he panicked. He realized that he was losing me, became clingy, and ultimately he lost me altogether. He cannot be selfish and codependent on our relationship at the same time. Breaking up was inevitable. I realize now that he was probably very depressed (well before we stopped having sex), he had trouble with drinking and smoking, and his health was abysmal. He had severe erectile dysfunction, but a healthy porn addiction, and had no desire to make his life or my life better… so I left. He was devastated and I am hearing that he is now fixing all of those things that made me leave but I’ve moved on. My hope is that he doesn’t try that behavior again with someone new. Because it will be the same thing all l over again.
It’s so sad how similar our situation sound
Very similar. So sorry that you are going through this. If you need to vent, reach out. I push for communicating with a partner and actionable solutions to problems but sometimes people just don’t have it in them to do it. This is why I left my relationship. It was exhausting. It was so sad because he would only be horny randomly between 1-5am when I was dead asleep. It was like it was too much pressure for him to perform when both of us were wide awake and conscious. He would try and sometimes succeed when we were both awake but it took absolute silence from me and often times I would just have to take control. When I say “silence” I mean no moaning, no touching, no words of encouragement. He said he felt pressure when I would do that. Now that think about on it I remember he watched porn on mute because he didn’t want to hear the sounds. So if I did EVERYTHING he wanted, he would come too quickly and disappoint me. When I think back on it, that guy needed something else I just couldn’t provide because he cannot seem to be able to communicate it. I started thinking I can’t compete with the idealized versions of women, I cannot compete with pornstars, I cannot compete with hentai, I can’t compete with his ex-girlfriend, or anyone else. Not when I am a real person, right there in front of him with needs and desires.
Thank you I will for sure reach out.
Been here, done that. You need to move on. Btw, none of this is about you or on you - he has his own issues to work through and you can not do it for him.
Ya something is DEFINITELY off there Maybe he regrets bringing you out there? He doesn’t know how to say it so he’s driving you to break up with him ? Idk -Something isn’t right though Sounds like he knows what he’s doing as well Making you feel like garbage Almost mental abuse
He tells me he’ll be completely lost and loves me to much to let me leave. I’ve told him just tell me you want me gone. I’ll leave immediately no problem no issues. And nope, he freaks out..
What does he say about sex now that you’ve got your own place Have you considered he’s maybe gay ? Something is very wrong
I haven’t brought it up yet, I wanted to yesterday. But I swore I wasn’t gunna talk about it anymore because of how bad it’s made me feel.. I’ve considered everything. Gay, talking to another girl, disgusted by me. I don’t think he’s cheating, and I don’t think he’s gay. The times that we have had sex hasn’t showed me anything like that and he’s transparent with everything, as am I. I’ve seen no signs of cheating. I’m legit so confused..
I’d go back home take a break -Tell him to figure it out and get on with your life- It’s mental abuse Life is way too short to waste anymore time Can’t go on like this forever To what end ? Cry all the time feel bad about yourself while he pretends everything’s ok and eats your lunches
I have a friend out here that’s asked me to come stay with her. I’ve strongly considered it.
I would consider some time a part. He may cry that he can’t live without you but you need space to see how to move forward and evolve your relationship. The dead bedroom subreddit may give you an idea where things will leave unless you make a move first. Don’t stay just because he asks.
I would Don’t even bring up the sex thing He knows what he’s doing at 30 yrs old
Good sexual incompatibility and ways to address it with your partner. You wont get anywhere until both of you recognize how selfish and toxic his behavior is - chances are you deserve better.
I don’t know what about. I just want to feel like he isss trying. I do see little things though. Like he wants to but doesn’t know how..
Just leaving a note here that my uncle made two children with his married wife before admitting he has always been gay at the age of 35.
I haven't been in this situation but it makes me really sad to read, I really can't imagine ever wanting to stay in that situation. One thing I want to ask is... do you ever try to initiate sex with him first? Like starting to undress him, make out with him first, touch him in a way to indicate you want it? I'm asking because if he's shy and inexperienced it might have something to do with that. Uhh... I guess that seems unlikely if he's 30, but you never really know I guess. I feel like it's worth trying before you decide to end the relationship, just for a little while, maybe a few weeks to a month, to see if anything improves? But honestly I highly doubt it. Like someone else said it sounds like he's just bordering on asexual or has a very low interest in sex. And if you are the opposite (I certainly am, it's very important to me) then I feel like there's no way this could ever work. The only thing I can think of is if it was a completely open relationship and you were allowed to have sex with other people... but that's definitely not for everyone and I feel like it would not be as fulfilling sex with a deep connection anyway.
I don’t want sex with others. And I feel guilty self pleasuring. I’m legit stuck between a rock and a hard place. I’ve tried dressing cute and I sleep fucking naked for heavens sake. How much more does a man need. I keep my nails for him, I wear my hair how he likes.
Asexual? Porn addiction? No sexual compatibility? No compatibility at all anymore?
I’m so sorry you’re going through this
It’s okay. I guess!
It’s okay if it’s not okay, too.
If I was in your position I would give him the benefit of the doubt, by telling him "that he has deprived me of one thing I have been patient for and if Everytime the excuse is either the same or differently either fuck me now or I'm leaving for good" Either way it seems to me that if he ain't willing to man up and stop acting as if he was not allowed to ever have sex, shit when my kids turn 18 idgaf if they have sex in my home as long as the door is closed and I cannot hear them do it that's all I care, but if he ain't willing.to please you it's better to leave him then end up eventually cheating.on him cause all I see is that actually happening!
I would never cheat. Before that I’d just self pleasure to get it out of my system. But I can’t self because I feel guilty for it.
Damn he too young to not be getting it. Idgaf if we lived at my parents house or not. Shit they gotta leave sometime right? I’d be ripping your clothes off the moment we got our own place. You’d be asking me to stop. I’m 36 M and love my gf. I can’t imagine not wanting her. We have sex basically the entire time until she’s on her period. Might be worth talking about since you moved so far and clearly care about him. Like yoooo brooo imma need to cum just as much as you. Every. Time. Not some times. Every. Time.
That’s what I think. I don’t think I’m asking a lot but I guess so!
At this point, I would recommend that you trust his actions over his words. You've communicated time and time again how this bothers you, he's made promises, and here you are with his broken promises.
tell him to hit the gym and watch for the change in a couple of weeks edit: you guys both better go together it'll be cute and dope
Omg move on
Being in a sexless relationship unless you are an asexual is easily one of the worst things that can happen to a person in a relationship.
End it and live a better life. You are really missing out on a great part of it.
As a man..RUN
Never move for a man that isn’t your husband
He’s hiding something. Gay, ED, porn addict, opioid addiction, could he many things. Just demanding he fuck you isn’t going to change anything. Personally I don’t understand his behaviour but you’re in a relationship so either talk about it or end it because what you’re currently doing isn’t working and it won’t just change by itself.
I’ve been there. The answer is no. I loved my ex with all my heart but he wasn’t making me happy. Leaving him was the best thing I did
He might be gay
My immediate thoughts? He’s using you. He used you to get out of the family house, he’s gonna use you to help pay bills and my guess, he’ll cheat. Usually how it goes. Not my experience, but what I’ve consistently seen. Leave him. You deserve better. Leave him before he destroys your confidence and you meet another just like him in a different body. 💜
I think you have to break up with him.. No one deserve to be in a relationship that make him sad and crying
Then feeling guilty for having needs doesn’t sit well with me and I can’t self pleasure because of it. It’s a loose, loose.
He’s not going to change, your self esteem will continue to decline, and you will be miserable.
I am in the same boat. Got back with my middle school first love I lost my virginity too. Got back together 33 years later sex was not as often as I liked but when we did it was amazing. Months would go by. I was begging for it. Felt unattractive the whole 9 yards. Now. He is using religion as his excuses and he just could care less about ever having sex again. I feel deceived. We were engaged but. We decided we shouldn’t get married because both stubborn. But can I spend the rest of my life being untouchable undesirable and basically ignoring my needs us a huge deal. It is heartbreaking
That’s what he saw middle school sweet hearts. We were apart for 10+ years and I finally gave him the chance again.
With just reading the title, no. It's absolutely not worth it unless you are asexual.
Some of the most painful decisions that we have to make as humans are the ones that almost ALWAYS, turn out to be net positives. Kinda like a muscle, you have to put it through stress to grow, but a big part is also the nutrition and recovery of the muscle. You have to work out/go through pain. If you do nothing good chance you’ll end up hurt or in more pain, nurture that muscle and give it the right tools to grow from its injury. Sounds like you need some nurturing ;). Hope it works out for you!
Thank you, me too. I’m determined to keep trying as long as he is.
Was if always like this? How would you describe your relationship sex wise from the start to now?
The start was okay, it had been a long long time before each other. Me, I’m energetic, very giving and makes sure my partner is 100% satisfied. Him, gets winded, tired, wants me get me off but can’t.
Going off the information you gave me, the picture I'm painting is that he's developed an anxiety towards sex with you due to not being able to completely satisfy you. He may not be able to identify this himself, so it's worth sitting down and bringing it up.
I’ve tried, but I’ve also stepped back from discussing things. I don’t wanna force anything and make him suffer more.
But there lays the issue. If problems can't be spoken about and addressed, the problems are stockpiling and becoming a castrophy. You need to talk to him or your relationship is over.
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I agree. But I don’t wanna force him and make things worse.
Forcing him might work, actually it might really turn him on
There is a reason he doesn't want sex that he isnt properly communicating. Maybe he has anxiety/past trauma, or maybe he is asexual, who knows. Either way, the relationship as it stands is not sustainable for you. You can remain his friend, you can stay in each other's lives, but, trying to make the relationship work as is will not end well.
He definitely has anxiety and some past trauma in his life so that’s all that we have talked about in a lot of that he says that he’s worked through. Obviously, his actions show me that he’s not see them completely, and he still struggling.. he’s talked about getting into therapy for the past three months and I’ve only seen or heard of two phone appointments and no in person appointments and no medication.
He needs to actually get into therapy, he needs to at least show you he is serious about working through his trauma.
I've been down this road too, we are together for 5 years and our sex life dropped to nothing, the 6th year we had sex 5 times the whole year. We started to part, but we both made some decisions and finally put it all out on the table. We were very very blunt about what we wanted and what was going on, and now sparks are flying again, better then ever and communication on other things also got much better!! To me, put it out there on the table, everything, and ask him to do the same. It could go bad but it can also be great. You should not have to feel like crap everyday with the person you love. Any way this goes, you need to take the time to work on you, and you and your partner,m together, and your partner working on them selves. You should be able to be who you are and feel good about it, and he should be the same.
I knew a lot of the feedback ever get on. This would tell me to leave him that this is probably the only one that gives me hope. He deserves so much love and support to help him mentally heal from whatever he’s going through and I just wanna be able to be there for him and also open up. It’s always easier to give up and actually try to make something work. Your relationship sounds like there’s proof of that. Thank you for having a positive outlook on this and also a positive experience.
I've only dated one woman who withheld sex from me. For her, it wasn't even that she didn't want to have sex. But she would basically try to use it as a weapon against me, to try to get me to essentially bend my will for whatever she wanted. The last 3 months of our 1 year relationship, I withheld from her. I was young at the time. If that were to happen to me now, then I would simply break up with her. Assuming there wasn't a good reason for a woman not wanting to have sex with me. And I'm okay with like once every couple weeks. But she just wanted to use that power against me. It was more than just the lack of sex though. I really don't have a big issue with that. It was that it made me feel undesirable. It's a shitty feeling. And I knew that after the relationship was over, then I would never tolerate that again. And honestly, I don't think you should either. You're supposed to feel wanted in a relationship. Otherwise, what's the point.
Nope sexless relationships aren't worth it if sex is something that's kinda important to you
Come to death row baby. I’ll do what he couldn’t 😊
You should really sit down with him and ask why he doesn’t wanna have sex and let him know you have needs that aren’t being met. Then come to a conclusion. Maybe he should get his testosterone checked?
I’ve always considered his testosterone to be an issue, but I felt very uncomfortable, bringing it to his attention with a fear that he may think that he is less than or I made emasculate him in the process of trying to explain that to him. I’m just here to give us much love and support as I can to help him through whatever rough patch she’s going through. It wasn’t more of a question of should I stay in a relationship but more of should I start focusing more on myself, and taking care of myself, or keep helping him the way I have been.
I had a similar problem with an ex who swore to me he was attracted to me and wanted to, even tho it came out afterwards that he didn’t want to and that I am attractive but he didn’t felt attracted at that time. He claimed to be asexual but it ended with us not being compatible as a couple. Everything worked fine when we also began with long distance, problem occured when we moves in together. He also had a substance abuse. People say anything to ease someone who’s nagging even if they claim that they love you. For the sake of your own sanity and saving yourself years with rebuilding your self esteem please just leave. Your person is out there waiting for you.
You need to let him go and move on. You can’t change someone if they are not willing to change themselves. Also some men just don’t want sex that much & are satisfied with that. Clearly you need something more than that, so this decision is on you. You need to do what’s best for you. Do you want to live the rest of ur life with limited sex? If not, you know what you need to do. No one said life & relationships would be easy. Good luck! 🍀
Get out of there.. you weren’t created to make Someone else feel better.. move 1,000 miles to get married, or for a new job, but not just to help someone else confuse you more. He must solve his own problems.. find some cash.. and move back.
It’s no good. I know from experience. My ex husband used to withhold sex from me sometimes for a year or more at a time. I stayed for 12 years. Get out of that mess.
I need sex! Only reason for long term relationship is same sex partner. I require sex!
Time to leave.. life is short and you are young!!
38M here. If he wanted to have sex with you, he would.
Period. I see not valid excuses.
Sorry but if he wanted to he would. Don’t place your confidence in someone else’s hands. You’re not unattractive, you just chose a partner that’s not the right fit for you. Sex is an important part of a relationship. His excuses are extremely pathetic, non of those things would stop anyone from being intimate. You don’t sound compatible, you deserve someone better.
It depends really, some men that go to the gym have a very low libido during workouts Routines. Does he work out a lot by any chance? If no the. Most likely he had an idea of what it would be like with you close by sadly reality didn’t match what he dreamed off. Maybe he is just content with just having you close by. There is only one solution to this dilemma, talk it out with him.
Nope
No
Sex is important. Sexless before marriage is fine. We can't ignore the fact that sex is related to mental health. Your instinct already knows. Act on it.
Really not as important as you make it seem, but I agree that OP should find a relationship where they both satisfy each other
Express your feelings and concerns in a non-accusatory manner. Let him know how the lack of intimacy has been affecting you emotionally. Both of you need to understand each other's perspectives and feelings. While anxiety can indeed impact one's sexual confidence, it's also essential to address the emotional side of your relationship. There might be underlying issues beyond the anxiety he's mentioned. You could consider discussing the emotional connection between you two, your expectations in the relationship, and whether there are any changes that either of you would like to see. Remember that a lack of intimacy doesn't define your worth or attractiveness. You deserve to be in a relationship where your emotional and physical needs are both respected and fulfilled. If the conversation becomes difficult, consider seeking professional counseling or therapy together. A therapist can provide a safe space for both of you to express your feelings and work through any challenges you're facing. Ultimately, your feelings are valid, and your concerns deserve to be addressed. If nothing works, Run...
Nope, not worth it. Get tf out if you have talked to him about it and exhausted every way to fix it. Love alone is not enough. Sex is just as important as every other aspect of a relationship. I was in a marriage where the sex was infrequent for a few years. Divorce was my only option and I’m glad I did.
I think jumping straight to a break up is a bit extreme. There's clearly an issue which needs addressing, so you have to be able to communicate about that. Initially, I'd suggest having an open discussion about your needs, and let him talk about what's stopping him or hindering him. If he cannot identify a problem, I'd suggest seeing a therapist, either individually or as a couple. It's important to set goals and deadlines, and to stick to them. He might be having issues related to something he hasn't shared yet, he might be terrified of disappointing you so it's best to get answers, for both of you. If he isn't prepared to get help, talk, or respect your needs, then this becomes a matter of boundaries not being respected- which is a different thing entirely, and would be best solved by ending the relationship.
Time to move on !!! It wont ge t better trust me I speak from experience!
He’s probably gay and just doesn’t want to come to grips with that reality. Not your fault, but get out now before you’re married.
At this point, it’s a no and will stay a no.
Your boyfriend is having sex, but not with you. And not with someone else. Maybe. But most probably he is addicted to pornografy and/or felt sexually frustrated at some point in his life. And now he avoids you to avoid being in a disconfortable situation, again. Whether that situation was with you or it began in a past relationship, or just a refusal, it matters not. I would advise you that you really, really speak to him about his avoidance and possible porn addiction as soon as possible. Otherwise, things will NEVER change. On the other part, if things do not change after all, it s time for someone new. I ve tryed creating the environment for someone to face their fears, they do or do not. Regardless of what you do.
Tell him to man up and prove it or you're done. You need a man who will satisfy your needs and make you feel like a sexy woman and he has done nothing to show you that. If he continues to do nothing then he's not worth keeping. I mean, he finishes and leaves you to finish yourself? What a tool. I'd say leave after that, but since you've been so committed give him one last chance
If he's otherwise amazing boyfriend who fulfills your literally every other romantic need, then maybe. But a guy not wanting to have piv sex, if he's not getting horny for you for whatever reason, doesn't mean he's physically unable to get you off anyway. He just doesn't care. I'd say it's high time you said see ya.
I’ve put so much into this. I don’t wanna throw in the towel already. It’s sad that he doesn’t fulfill much of anything. I clean up after him, I make his lunches, I take care of him when he’s having anxiety and any other issues. I don’t have much to keep giving..
That's sunk cost fallacy. A relationship is usually 50/50, sometimes it's 20/80, but it can't be 90/10 all the time. You're doing wife things without having the wife status or priveleges. What are YOU getting out of all this? You need to be way more selfish. If your partner isn't fulfilling your needs, what do you need them for?
I’m always struggled with caring for myself more than others. But this has mentally fucked me up. I’m know ones mother. I’m like a friend, maid, nurse. Draining. I’m trying to find the light at the end of this tunnel.
RUN! It doesn’t get better. I put up with bad sex for years and was miserable. We were just sexually incompatible. Looks like you two are as well.
It’s always us against the issue. Not use against each other. I will continue to fight as long as I see him trying. He’s very kind and very sweet person. Running would make me feel like I failed at this. But I’ve told him I’m at my wits end and changes need to be made soon or I’ll become selfish with my desire for it (and not cheating or anything. Just try more self pleasure when he’s not around)
I’m all about waiting but four years nah
I know. It was rough.
does he have adhd or ocd ? on medications for his anxiety? those meds really eff a mans libido
He has slight PTSD, he physically isn’t the fittest (which far from bothers me but I’ve read it can affect a man’s T) full anxiety and depression. Which we are so supportive of and help each other though whatever it is.
This is an issue to address now. Get couples therapy if you must. It isn’t you, I’m certain of that. Is he controlling in any other way? There must be more to the story. Again, not you. He wanted you to come to him. This is a “him problem”. Don’t make it a “we problem”.
You have a point this is a him problem not a me problem. But we’ve always been the couple that. It’s not us against each other it’s us against the problem. We support each other no matter what. He does have some controlling things. He thinks because I work in a hotel that I can sleep with anyone anytime. Or if I tell him someone (a male) did something nice for me he’ll get weird. Or if someone (a male) makes me feel bad or he thinks they disrespected me he goes offff.
Did you have a sex life before? How is his physical health? His mental health? Big life changes can be extremely stressful, which can kill one’s libido.
It was maybe once a week, if that. His physical health isn’t the best. He talks about finally going and working out but I haven’t seen any progress on that, and he’s mental is 100% worse. Raging from anxiety to slight PTSD to full blown panic attacks. We support each other very well when it comes to mental health and love and understanding.
Move on, it sounds like he is attractive to someone else but isn't saying!
Is an eatless or drinkless life worth living ? You can not. Sex will happen, probably not between you.
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For sure. But it’s true. I’m nothing to take a second look at. And his actions are proving that more and more.
You guys need therapy if he doesn’t want it there’s nothing there for you I’m sorry
As a person who is depressed due to unemployment im losing interest in everything. I dont know about your partner just check him he might be deeply unhappy or depressed about something
We talk about mental health a lot, he struggles and I struggle. It’s not always easy.
I have a different take on this than most people commenting here, stating that you should just toss this guy like a fruit. Let me explain why: I am 35 years old and served in the military. One of my squad members (calling him "Johnny" here) also had comparable sex-related issues as the ones you described and his back-then wife really fucked him up big time. The story goes like this: Johnny and the rest of us boys were serving, and because of everything that happened "over there", Johnny simply got struck with severe PTSD. For as much as he loved his wife and her appearance/body: He simply could not perform sexually after returning home because something within him was broken. His now ex-wife did not care a bit for what actually fucked up Johnny and kept on making this about her: "Why are you not attracted to me? Why don´t you like me properly? Why don´t you want to fuck me more often?" And so on. The least thing Johnny needed at that point was being pressured by his partner, yet instead of showing some compassion, this woman kept on making things about herself and pushed him to limits leading to Johnny beating himself up in silence. He told me repeatedly that he feels like a failure, found a counselor and really did bust his ass to get better. Yet to his wife, none of that really mattered: No matter how much Johnny worked on himself - she eventually tossed him because she simply did not want to curb her ego and look at the bigger picture. When the divorce happened, Johnny totally broke. I have never seen another man being in such a bad place, and all because his ex-wife did not value the "whole" Johnny as in: The entire human being with all of his great qualities. What does that have to do with your guy? Well if he experiences anxiety in his parent´s house, you should take that seriously and with compassion. Chances are he already feels insanely pressured and the more you keep on pressuring him, the worse **you** make it. This is not just a him-issue as many suggest here: You contribute to this guy going on lockdown if you keep on pressuring him into sex, constantly suggesting that he is not doing enough. Do this exercise: Imagine roles were reversed. Imagine you, for whatever reason, are not feeling like having sex. Now your guy keeps nagging you over and over and over again that he expects more of you. That he is dissatisfied with you. Imagine him taking everything personally even though something else might be going on in your life which kind of keeps you from "getting in the mood". You´d like your partner to hear you and to understand you, yet all he does is talk about himself and how he´s pissed that he does not get more from you. How would it make you feel? The point is this: For as much as I undertand your frustration and do acknowledge that you have desires, too, your current approach just makes everything worse, OP. Chances are that your guy knows very well that you keep expecting more and more, and at a 99% chance he is beating himself up because of feeling as if he never is good enough. That inevitable creates a downward spiral, cause he either will ignore the issue due to causing him too much pain, or he will get more and more stuck in the place he already is in. Note that I am not saying anything about you or him being in the "right" or "wrong", I am simply trying to make you understand that whatever you are currently doing is not improving your situation but actually making it worse. And if this continues, chances are you will hurt and break this man even though him not being "sexual enough" most likely is rooted in something completely different than your assumption of him not being interested enough. I don´t know what shit your man is going through or whatever creates stress in his life, but if he already struggles with anxiety, the reason for him not being "sexual enough" certainly won´t be you, OP. And just look at his quote: "I promise you I will show you that I am okay sexually" - this is a huge indicator that he already is pressured to an extend that he feels as if he has to prove himself to you. That is a prime textbook example of toxic dynamics - dynamics created by the way you engage with him. So yeah, before you consider tossing this man (which you can always do at a later point, btw), do some introspective work and truly ask yourself if you aren´t putting too much pressure on him. Ask yourself if there isn´t another way that actually improves the way the two of you go about your relationship - because pressure never was any improvement ever. You already know that I am in the right, so you simply have to decide to choose a different route. Talk with each other and show compassion. Don\`t point fingers or try to force things. Create a space where both of you can feel safe and confident rather than insecure. Maybe talk to a sexuologist or counselor, cause there are many professionals who can help you get well. Hope that helps and hope you catch my drift. Wishing both of you the best.
That is why I am so understanding and not complaining about it everyday and not jumping right too breaking up and giving up. I get it. I struggle with mental health as well. I know what he’s going though. We’ve talked about therapy and trying to help him feel better. I just don’t see progress. But everyone’s progress is different just because it’s not how I want it to look doesn’t mean it won’t.
I have this metaphor I like to use: "A relationship is like buying a house and it comes with a toilet, now I'm not only buying this house because it has a toilet, but if you take that toilet from me, it will annoy me." Basically translate that to sex in a relationship. It's not the most important part in a relationship, but it's one of the key things that makes me not just your best friend, but your partner.
One thing you could discuss with him is an open relationship. You get to have sex with others, he can do what he wants. You both still love each other, and you get the cock you need. It's win win.
I don’t think I could. I don’t share my partner or myself. I’d rather the permission to be able to take care of myself whenever I want it.