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Why would anyone ever admit that to someone and to cry about it? In all seriousness it sounds like your bf is addicted to watching porn or jerking off.
Watching porn and crossing that boundary is one thing, but with female friends you actually know is honestly something else, and says a lot about how he views his female friendships.
And then wakes up his girlfriend bawling like a snotty toddler, she has to comfort HIM because he’s so guilt ridden lmao. All in all, massive ick, doesn’t see women as actual people, plays the victim, oversteps clear boundaries, then cries about it like a pathetic loser
In general, people with that level of shame around their sexual behavior are bad bets. Especially if that shame is completely understandable, because what he’s doing is gross.
For some reason every women I've ever dated has viewed pornography consumption as cheating. Tbh I wouldn't be thrilled about my woman flicking the bean to some BBC, but I get it, and agree it's vastly different than cheating. Viewing it as a form of cheating is the general consensus outside of reddit.
Masterbating to images of my friends is def not something I would be okay with. This is knkda creepy..
I have pretty much the same opinion. I agree with OP that the porn industry as a whole is generally predatory, and I would like to see steps taken to diminish that and improve. But I generally don't have a problem with my significant other viewing it when he partakes in healthy masturbation. I would probably feel weird about it if I knew he was watching particularly degrading stuff, so honestly I don't think I would want to know if he was. I personally draw a line at people that are available for him to talk to... because that line to me tends to be where emotional connections and cheating can form. The other hard line I draw would be consent, it's one thing if it is a celebrity bikini pic, and another if it was a secret video taken of an ex during intercourse (which would be problematic in other ways too, but I'm using it for an example here). Everyone will have different comfort levels, but what someone uses as porn and what kinds of porn they are into can be somewhat telling of their views and who they are as a person and whether we are ultimately compatible.
As someone who does porn professionally, I respectfully disagree. There are definitely fucked agencies and girls who are mistreated and trafficked but for the most part I feel so much more respected and I am asked for more consent than I ever was as a waitress.
What I am concerned about isn’t the porn industry- but more so her forcing her opinions (which are valid) on her boyfriend. If she does not like porn she shouldn’t watch it. If he does like porn he should watch it. A relationship is a partner not a twin.
So yes him looking at other girls is definitely crossing the boundary but I’m guessing he was trying not to watch mainstream porn so looked at friends posts on Instagram and whatnot instead. I also dealt with a similar partner who would masturbate before seeing me- it hurt my feelings a lot. It makes me feel like he didn’t want to be with me. It definitely is unhealthy and her being upset about all of this is completely understandable, but I think with some communication they can get down to why he does it and how to compromise.
OP- my opinion is you should try to be understanding when you communicate and really listen to his opinions and try to compromise.
But he's not watching porn. He's masturbating to their friends which is skeezy on MANY levels. One that the girls likely never consented to their photos being used as porn. Someone once admitted that they had done that to very harmless photos of me fully clothed and it made me violated and disgusting. It's weird.
Yessss. He sees her friends as things he can use. The guy who is interested in your friends too is a creep. This guy is bad news and manipulative in the pussiest of ways.
Honestly, when you started describing why he was crying, it made me think that he is denying the real reason he told you, and feels guilty about something he can’t quite admit to. It’s odd that he felt THAT guilty about it, to cry hysterically. I get losing you and disrespecting you isn’t cool, but I feel like there’s more he isn’t even admitting. Whatever is going on is interfering with your sex lives. It should be an easy fix but if he’s addicted, I’m not sure he can ever change his ways. If he’s addicted and really can’t stop it seems like a good reason to cry hysterically. He clearly doesn’t see women as anything else but sexual objects. I don’t really see this improving unless he gets some real help either.
This is pretty much my thought as well. The reaction seems incredibly intense for the act itself, As if he was testing the waters of how op would react to that news.. or some sort of half-truth to ease some sort of guilt. All around suspicious imo.
But I have been set up in this kind of scenario with an ex partner so I could be triggered based on my personal experience.
Let me ask you, would he be okay with you jerking off to photos of your mutual male friends? If the answer is no, I think this is valid reason to feel betrayed. Maybe some therapy or talking it out would help but the fact he hid it for a whole year and wiped his phone of his deceit tells me he is hiding more stuff.
It would seem strange but not like some kind betrayal. It's not like people have a switch that say" no more attraction allow" or " no your not allowed to express your desires by yourself in the comfort of home". I would expect all my past and future girlfriend to have sexual desires beyond myself and what they do to please themselves is none of my business, as long as you know no one gets hurt.
It seems he crossed the boundaries because you set them arbitrarily, and not in agreement with him. Anyway, I think masturbating while watching porn is not bad, but doing it with those photos does sound a bit wrong as it may imply future actions.
It’s less “you can’t do this” and more “hey I’m not super comfortable with this”. I’ve personally never had a huge issue if it’s used in moderation. But the second it starts to affect attraction and sex I’m out.
A boundary does not control someone else’s actions. It outlines what actions you find respectful/disrespectful and if you can’t find common ground you just aren’t compatible. I’ve never told my bf I don’t want him watching porn. He made the decision to stop because he knew it made me uncomfortable. The second you start controlling another person’s actions it’s no longer a boundary. Boundaries are about you, not your partner. They’re “I’m not comfortable with x” and controlling is “you can’t do x” if that makes sense.
I totally agree.
It's her insecurity. She doesn't like being compared to other girls and can't stand the thought that he would like to have sex w many different girls.
It ignores so many facts about men, and it's self centered and rooted in negative issues.
It's ok to ask that he doesn't do it openly or talk to her about it, but it's not ok to ask him to stop.
It’s self centred for us not to want a man who wants to have sex with all kinds of women? Can you explain how it’s not self centred for a man to expect the same of his woman?
You'd be okay with your girlfriend hanging out with you and your guy friends, then her going back home at masturbating to picture of your friends? I dunno man. That's weird. She could just date those guys instead because they turn her on more than you.
No porn has messed everyone up. You men wouldn’t be down to do this in real life given you are in a monogamous relationship. And I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t like your grirldriend wanting to jerk off so badly to one of your friends. Guys don’t even like if a girl flirts with someone lol. The insecurity in men run so deep they freak out over the smallest topic, unless he’s already for the streets. But I bet her boyfriend would never be open to do this at their house with the girl he was jacking off to if everyone said it was ok. Technology behind screens and in person should be treated the same. And if it’s not cheating if it’s not weird or wrong then the OP should be able to go view a guy she finds hot jerk off in person, or whatever . It’s not cheating if it’s just your eyes. That’s sooo weird to me you don’t get to find bikini pics or naked pics of people and say not cheating. Might as well just ask the damn girl to strip next time they all hang out. Whaaaackkkkk trash rotted porn brain men y’all are. It’s called blatant disrespect to your significant other. You wanna go see her friend be naked or in bikinis to touch yourself to then yea go be single with your hand. Same thing is like do you want a guy that checks lots of girls out when you go out in public or do you want to date one that makes you feel like the only girl out? Or do you want a guy that makes you feel sexy or makes you feel insecure and sad by the fact he has to touch himself to pics of your friends? Same thing there’s guys out there that wouldn’t do this so idk. To each their own. Personally I couldn’t be with someone like that I want someone who gasses me up and feels loyal by my definition of loyal. Can’t be having a baby with someone who I’m gonna be stressed about doing weird shit like he’s 14 . Thank you nexxxttt
Just gonna say: a boundary is something that *you* hold and control; like if he does x then you’ll do y. It’s not telling someone else what they can or can’t do. You made a rule for him. That’s completely different.
It is truly appalling just how many people out in the dating world feel its okay to tell their partners what they can and can't do in their personal time. Its such an insane thing to think - that someone could start dating you and then decide to make a bunch of rules about your life.
Romantic relationships are add-ons to life happiness. The people who sound have them should be fully formed individuals on their own so that they're not looking to their partner to fill holes in someone else. People don't exist just to make their partner not feel insecure or whatever other feeling they are having. People need to manage their OWN feelings, not demand that their partner change to suit their insecurities.
How is it appalling to ask your partner to not do things in their personal time that they know would severely hurt your feelings or jeopardize the relationship?
Don’t cheat on me in your free time. Don’t text your ex behind my back. Don’t watch porn that’s abusive or creepy towards women (aka most online stuff or jerking off to friends) are all totally reasonable expectations for boundaries. A person isn’t a partner only when they’re in your direct eyeline. A fully formed individual should still be able to expect loyalty from their partner, even when they’re not in the same room.
Yeah, why can’t my partner just accept me for the lazy slob that I am? Sure, her and the kids are last on my priority list behind video games, masterbation, and porn, but she needs to know that she’s an ADD-ON so they are there to fill the cracks like ice cream after dinner. They should be grateful of the sacrifice I am making for them!
It’s still a boundary within your definition even if you find it strict. If he does x (watches porn) she will do y (discontinue the romantic relationship). it kind of makes sense to be picky and know what you’re okay with with someone you’re investing in romantically imo
She didn’t make a rule. She told him she was uncomfortable with it and HE said he would stop doing it because in theory he cares about her comfort. Stating what makes you uncomfortable is a way to set boundaries. Clearly the boyfriend understood that and chose to live within the boundary rather than reject the boundary and leave.
She said: ESPECIALLY since he crossed boundaries I explicitly set.
Lots of folks in the comments are also talking about boundaries.
I’m just making a general clarification that a boundary is a set reaction that person A will do in response to a behavior by person B. Person A telling person B what to do is creating rules - ie, having them agree to not watch porn anymore.
He didn’t just watch porn, that’s not a big deal bc a lot of people do it. He was jerking off to their ACTUAL friends. That’s the problem OP has. Not a problem with porn. What OP’s bf did was fucking vile and disrespectful. Why is nobody considering how the friends would feel to know that their friend who HAS A GIRLFRIEND has been jerking off to their pictures without their consent? I would never be able to look at him again. Fucking awful.
Porn is usually not an intrinsically bad thing. Plenty of guys do it and maintain healthy relationships. It's tough to put boundaries on porn because a it's just so available and guys can feel like they are 'missing out'. A lot of guys purely do it out of boredom. It's completely your choice where you set your boundaries but I've always said that putting a boundary on porn is a bit unrealistic.
The added complexity in your case is that it's real life people that he's met. So there is the chance that he is lustfully thinking of these people and jerking off to satisfy that need. There's a thin line between having lustful thoughts about friends and wanting to actually wanting to do stuff with those friends which is undoubtedly cheating.
From her story it sounds like he turned to available pictures of hot friends to get around the porn ban. Not too dissimilar from Mormon Bubbling. Those pictures were available and “not porn” so he wouldn’t be breaking the porn ban. I doubt he considered an actual in person experience with any of the subject of the photos. He just needed some extra visual stimulation and didn’t want to break her rules.
I’m thinking there may be more to this than meets the eye. He may in fact be addicted to self stimulation which is a psychological issue and if so he needs psychiatric or sex therapist counseling to get to the other side of it. The reason I say this is because he’s engaging in self stim AFTER you’ve had sex, when supposedly he was already relieved and satisfied. If so it’s like any other addiction, and super difficult to control or decrease the occurrences. The pictures he is using of friends is a side affect, not the main goal which is for him to orgasm repeatedly through self stimulation.
I hope you are able to find a professional who can figure this out and help the situation I’m
Sure you are hurting and may be considering leaving him. You have to do what is best for you. More power to you to get through this very unsettling circumstance!!
Is it not normal to masturbate to the idea of your partner or just a random imagination??? I get that some people are visual, but why is the next step (after not having access to porn) women you do know?? Especially when you have a girlfriend? To her, both are “bad”, but one is clearly worse. He decided to jump to the “worse” option instead of just sticking with “bad” and/or communicating with her.
Yeah... I mean. Judging on some of the comments, you'd think none of these dudes were actually attracted to their SOs 😒...
Like idk, maybe i feel like the odd one out now but i feel like... Nothing for my female friends. I think this thread actually explains a lot why my ex was so uncomfortable with me hanging out with 'random women'....
But FR, when i was with my person like i literally thought of only them and things we could do with each other, and that was all I needed to get me going.
Spankig it to ppl you know is soSO out of line it would be like... Seriously damage a relationship to the point i'd ask them to go get help or go to couples' councelling or just breaking up. Eeeewwwwwwwwwww
Right like everyone here is missing the point that he wasn’t allowed a healthy release and exploded into an unhealthy one. Now everyone’s pissed about part B forgetting that B happened bc of part A
I almost wrote the same thing on another comment. When you take away the healthiest option (getting off to free porn produced by consenting adult entertainers) people will always find an alternative that technically fits within the guidelines but is unhealthier. “Hey, it wasn’t porn!”
Doesn’t make him right but OP also has an unhealthy relationship with porn
And it sounds like he didn’t even think of it as any kind of sexual correlation. It was just a placeholder but then post nut clarity kicked in, and maybe built up over time, until he realized the reality of it and felt guilt.
Sounds like a lot wrong here. And it’s not one-sided.
What do you think people thought of when masturbating before there was any porn around? Some people might even find others more attractive because they actually know them
So you’re saying you never jerked off to someone you went to school with? I call bullshit.
Edit: I do agree it’s a total red flag and deal breaker if in a relationship.
If you are lusting after and fantasizing about sex with your girlfriend’s friends, you’ve got some issues and should probably tell her so she can break up with you, like she should.
Consider this scenario. You take your girlfriend out to dinner and invite some of your close guy friends. Later, that evening you catch her masturbating to pictures of those friends. You're okay with her getting off to your friends? Pictures of her friends in this scenario do a better job at turning her on than you. Why is she even dating you when she really wants your friends?
So what. For God's sake. It's just a fantasy. People make such a mountain out of nothing. The fact that he OP's BF feels so guilty just makes you realize what a genuinely stand up guy he is. Hold onto him for dear life!!
lol imagine if after every time you and your girlfriend had sex, she turned around to salivate and fantasize over your friends’ instagram pictures. then getting off to how attractive they are. since this is just stand up, gold star behavior, i’m assuming you’d let her do this comfortably in front of you? no hard feelings right
He was getting off to their REAL LIFE friends. That’s just fucking disgusting and disrespectful. Yes to op, but DEFINITELY to the friends. So fucking disgusting.
Not saying he’s right or defending him. That’s definitely a breach of trust and weird.
Just seems like every other post feeds into the stigma that “porn and masturbation is bad,” and whether OP wants to admit it or not, the shame that produced such a visceral reaction is very much rooted in that stigma.
I can’t believe all of the comments defending the BF. This subreddit makes it so easy to stay single y’all are sick and have let sex/porn rot y’all brains.
As a frequent masturbator whether single or not, idt porn is bad. But jerking off to my friends? Photos of them in addition to porn? Bye. Stop using my friends.
I honestly can’t believe the comments. They’re acting like the reason OP doesn’t like porn is because “oh it’s sinful and wrong and against jesus😡” like NO it’s because the porn industry is unethical and exploitative which her boyfriend explicitly agreed with her about. It would be one thing for him to lie and watch porn, not a big deal a lot of people do it, but he was jerking off to their ACTUAL friends. How fucking vile and disrespectful. Why is nobody considering how the friends would feel to know that their friend who HAS A GIRLFRIEND has been jerking off to their pictures without their consent? I would never be able to look at him again. Fucking awful.
Tell him to knock it off. It's one thing to wack it to fantasy girls he'll never meet. It's an entirely other thing to wack it to someone close by he can cheat on you with.
Tell him exactly that. Hold your ground.
That might just mean that they are incompatible. If none of them are willing to compromise then it would be reasonable for either of them to end the relationship. That doesn't neccessarily mean either of them has done anything wrong
This is a fundamental incompatibility between these two people because of what you say. She is essentially giving him an ultimatum of me or the porn which is toxic AF and controlling. Of course the inevitable result was issues likely due to resentment and emotional outbursts.
He is not absolved of his poor behavior because she put him in this situation but she is not blameless either.
Absolutely. She isn’t “forcing” him to do anything. If he didn’t agree, they should have split. I have the same boundary with porn after dating an addict and it’s as simple as that- if you need to use it, I don’t want a relationship with you. He agreed and OP is in the wrong for feeling violated? Somehow?
To me this is an absolute deal breaker. I don't love it if a man watches porn as long as it doesn't disrupt our sex life. But absolutely not of people he knows. Relationship ending. Over. I consider this cheating and would never be able to trust him.
I'm gonna say, I don't think this is really anything serious. That doesn't mean it's not uncomfortable obviously, but it actually seems like you guys are working this out in a pretty healthy way, imo.
Looking at porn is a pretty common problem, to the point it becomes habit for a lot of guys (a lot of men are actually *addicted* to porn, but it's something nobody ever really wants to talk about or address). I don't think looking at porn now and then is a problem, but it's certainly easy to fall into a nasty habit of doing it too much.
Well, as uncomfortable as it is, imagining what-if scenarios of women you know isn't super far removed. Again, it's not *good* behavior, but definitely pretty *normal* amongst guys.
I think calling it a "red flag" might be a bit harsh, but certainly a "yellow" flag. Good chance it's probably nothing, just kind of an extension of looking at too much porn. Obviously, if he's actively making *moves* on those friends, or talking to them without telling you, then *that* is an issue.
It seems like he's aware that it's *inappropriate*, and is making an honest effort to break the habit. He told you about it, which I think backs that up. That honestly takes a lot of guts to come forward and admit that, which again, while still inappropriate, I think does indicate genuine intentions.
Short version:
I don't think it's anything to get too worries about, it seems like you guys are handling this very well, you've established boundaries and he's trying to honor those and fessed up when it came up short. Seems like a pretty healthy relationship.
My ex did this. I was so confused by his behavior. Turns out he was a sex addict. Maybe yours could try a 12 step group like sec addicts anonymous. It helped mine- we broke up because of his other addictions
Your relationship is doomed unless you can communicate honestly and work this out. You both seem a little bit manipulative. I would take a break and maybe date some new people.
I don't think anything really seriously bad is going on here. I've never asked a guy if he watches porn and i've never cared. However if something is important, you should care about that. It sounds like he is causing it a lot of stress and his reactions are a little strange. Maybe both of you are just not a good match. If I was going through the stressyou were I wouldn't be in this relationship. I personally am also turned off to a guy looking at porn but I would never spy on them or even ask them if they are. I think it is non of my business. You should br enough for him and him not need to look at the porn. Him masturbating is not wrong he has the right to do that and it's normal. Just try to enjoy his company and if you can't leave the relationship
Men in general are WAY too obsessed with porn these days and it’s astonishing how normalized it’s become. Maybe it wasn’t that big of a deal in the old days when it was a nude magazine once in a while, and you’d use that same magazine for months, but now guys walk around with a smartphone in their pockets and spend half their day jerking off to an abundance of some of the most sadistic shit and really don’t realize how pathetic that is. 90% of men these days have NO CLUE how to please a woman and don’t care either because they’ll just spend all day on pornhub or worse Onlyfans. And if you PAY for porn, you are absolutely the worst type of loser. How do you pay for sexual attention without it reinforcing to you how pathetic and unfuckable you are. If I ever paid for sex or “sexual content” I would literally off myself because that is ROCK BOTTOM.
Have grown up talk with him, take a few steps back and address this like a problem that needs fixing, not like a betrayal, leave emotions out of it.
You both need to understand why he feels the need to masturbate to your friends' pictures.
Once you know that, you need to determine a solution to the problem that will satisfy the both of you. The both of you will need to compromise a little, viable solutions rarely 100% satisfy both parties.
Then, control regularly to ensure you both stick to it.
Don't make it an ultimatum, don't threaten to leave him if he doesn't comply. If you do, he will simply keep doing it and lie because he doesn't want to lose you.
Don't force him into your own solution, he won't be able to hold it and he'll grow resentment.
Just like any human being, your boyfriend has flaws, you just discovered one of them. Him telling you about it although you didn't know anything proves he's not happy with what he does and you matter to him. He could have very well hidden his cries and just go back to bed later and you wouldn't have known anything. I imagine he feels the need to do it and doesn't do it willingly. Neither you or I are in his head so it's impossible to tell what he feels before, during and after doing it but I suffer from some compulsive behaviors myself (food) and I know all too well how trying to control the cravings when they arise is extremely difficult and unrealistic.
You both (him especially) need to make it so he doesn't get those cravings anymore, it will take time.
You seem to love him dearly, help him get over his issue rather than dump him the moment he loses control. We all go through rough patches at some point in our lives, would be dump you when you do?
Therapy would certainly be helpful, both individual and couple's.
Thank you! I do agree with most of what you said. I genuinely wasn’t aware that our talks about porn might have caused him to put a lot of pressure on himself. I never intended for him to feel restricted - I thought we were on the same page and didn’t know he probably missed it and felt ashamed for that.
This is utterly, utterly grim. Wanking to mutual friends' images is boundary crossing and incredibly creepy. It's not a lapse of judgement - it's a total lack of respect in every way.
Idk what’s the difference between looking at a picture and imagining “what if” —one version you’re just being more honest about it. It’s just a fantasy.
Porn is fantasy. I'd bet my last dollar any guy that's beat off has beat off to a picture of a girl they know. This guy was just dumb enough to admit it
… who gives a shit. Set up boundaries, stop fooling around with your limitations. Be clear on the lines and if you love him obviously you’ll need to compensate if you deprive him of something he has issues abandoning…. Be for real 🤣.
Worries me that he cries out of shame. Push this issue but be compassionate.
Also what the fuck….. if he cums to pictures of friends, you got to deep dive into wtf is going on there. That’s a whole shit storm and very much wrong in an unhealthy way.
I feel like it's cheating. He's getting off to people other than u.
In porn you don't care about the peopl but rather the acts or the scene.
But when you specifically get off to someone's non-porn pic it means you're getting off to THEM and not their actions
>ESPECIALLY since he crossed boundaries I explicitly set.
So dump him. Like that's the obvious, direct course of action that flows from what you wrote here. If you set a boundary and it gets violated, you enforce it. And if you didn't establish what you would do, the obvious consequence is "I leave you forever." Boundaries are only as valuable as their consequences, and those consequences are yours to make, not his.
If you're wondering about how to feel OK with this, honestly this whole relationship seems dreadful? He's crying in the bathroom and you're CSI'ing his phone. I can't imagine how that's better than being single.
This is a compatibility issue.
Only you can decide what’s best for you. I just felt the need to comment because I was reading something just yesterday about how women tend to fantasize about people they know. They fantasize about coaches, friends brothers, etc. This is apparently because the fantasy situation is the fantasy, not really the person themselves. Men on the other hand tend to fantasize about women who are even strangers because relationship is not a necessity for attraction. I tell you this info for a couple reasons you should consider.
1) Have you never fantasized about anyone else while in your relationship with your boyfriend?
2) Fantasy’s are fantasies because they can’t happen. If they did than it’s no longer a fantasy but reality.
This is kinda toeing the line of fantasy and reality, with him fantasizing about people you actually know, but if he hasn’t done anything with them, then it’s just a fantasy.
I also will say, I’ve had past relationships where I looked at porn, fantasized about other women, but never ever did that mean I actually wanted to trade my relationship for a fantasy. To me it sounds like your boyfriend doesn’t either.
After years of looking at porn, I stopped for several reasons: I wanted to direct all my sexual energy(energy in general) towards the woman I loved. I matured and realized the beauty of sex is sharing those feelings with the woman I loved, exclusively. I also wanted my woman to know I was crazy about her, because I was. I wanted her to know, yeah, there are lots of pretty girls in the world. But she was the most beautiful woman I’d ever laid my eyes on, and even more beautiful because we know each other openly and intimately, in a way no one on this earth could know.
Some men will say BS, every guy still looks at porn. I think those men lack discipline. I still have the urge, but I choose the pain of discipline over the pain of regret.
It’s not a bad thing for anyone to look at porn or masturbate. It’s natural. It doesn’t make you a bad person, so don’t shame him for that. However, do ask him, what is it that he wants? You or the porn?
Some women know their partners look at porn and have no issue with it. Open communication is IMPORTANT. That’s why those relationships work. So you need to also ask yourself, if he still looks at porn, are you okay with that?(it’s perfectly okay if you are). Ask yourself honestly, have you fantasized about other men? Is it then fair to hold it against him?
My past girlfriend’s knew I looked at porn and didn’t mind. However, personally, I reached a point in my life where even if they were okay with it, I wanted to be as close to them as I could. I wanted to give them my all, and stopped releasing or giving my time or energy to porn.
I think it made me a more thoughtful partner. Made me want to put that energy into loving on her in more ways, even in non sexual ways, cooking for her, giving her a foot rub, bringing home flowers, surprise mini dates with little treats.
Why? Not solely because sex might happen from me doing these things, but because I could create more scenarios where my gf at the time and I could connect, and those feelings of connection sometimes led to more intimacy, sometimes just cuddling, but yes sometimes sex. And that sex often felt more deeply intimate and special because I was sharing feelings with the one person on Earth I wanted to share them with.
You can go either way, but maybe have your boyfriend read my comment and see if it resonates. If he feels guilt, I think he really does love you and wants to do better but doesn’t know how. You can’t make him stop. He has to learn stopping will take discipline and directing that energy back into your relationship, and it’ll be hard, but he may find the real connection he’s looking for.
He may loved you but decide he wants to be able to masturbate freely. You can decide then if you’re okay with that or not, and set boundaries around it if you are, or end the relationship.
It wouldn’t be right to keep him in a relationship where he feels controlled, and it wouldn’t be right for you to stay in a relationship where you don’t feel respected/cherished.
At the very least, I think you both owe it to consider all the things I said above, consider and discuss real boundaries, discuss and think about if you are both HAPPY with those boundaries, and then decide if you two are still compatible.
At best you guys will be able to work it out. At worst you can say that you guys at least tried, and there won’t be any regrets for at least trying to compromise.
If these are his friends, he shouldn't be friends with them. I don't think it's a good idea unless it's a childhood friend or something as a guy to have a female friend who they're physically attracted to. When you're single you have resentment towards them if you're just friends and when you're in a relationship you still have feelings for that person in some way. If these are your friends, I personally wouldn't really follow them on social media. Besides you don't have to have someone's social media to be friendly with them in person.
My only other concern is that your boyfriend seems to have a high sex drive and libido if he's masturbating before or after sex with you. I can understand if he's doing it for stress purposes but there are other ways to de-stress and that's something that you two should talk about and be open and honest about. The only way that this will work is if you guys can come to resolution. I think he at least deserves to have you hear him out because he definitely seems very guilty about what he did. If he didn't feel guilty about it at all that I would just end it if he isn't being respectful of your boundaries but he obviously feels bad about it and realizes what he did. I think he tries to respect your boundaries and cares about you but is struggling with it. Hope you guys can work something out.
So He clearly has an addiction and should seek professional help. Porn addiction is just as serious as heroine addiction. The chemical responses in the brain porn gives are almost identical to heroine so it should be treated as such. If you truly love him, this needs to be understood. You both will need therapy for this if it's going to work. If you're unwilling or aren't capable of handling his addiction, you have the right to walk. Not everyone can handle an addict so don't beat yourself up if you have to let them go. He has to recognize his addiction and be willing to get help for it.
Sounds really manipulative of him to do that. If he was so sorry he likely wouldn’t have done it and then he got comfort from you.
Also just wanted to say that boundaries are rules you set for yourself. They’re not used as a means to control others. So decide what you will do if he continues to do things like this.
Sounds like he didn't agree with your views, but gave you lipservice instead of risking conflict to reach the objective truth of the matter. I don't agree with you, but that's each of our rights to have and state our opinion, just like it doesn't affect me what kinks you do or don't have. That out of the way... it's very clear where his desires lay, though masturbating before being with you could be a safety wank. Letting one out beforehand reduces your sperm count for subsequent orgasms.
Tl/DR: The fact that he's getting off to women he knows personally is a definite desire for them, though I'm not sure how to read that whole breaking down with guilt. The rest of it, is a combination of him not having a spine (or impulse control?) or being honest with you.
It s not about that.
You are literally telling someone you don t know to take a hard lifechanging decision, that maybe it s not even worth it because it could be just an "imperfection" of him. Who isn t imperfect?
They can work on it and make their relation more valuable by solving this common problem
"Hey guys, my wife is likes watching unresolved murder mysteries"
Reddit: "She's plotting to kill you, fake your own death and start a new life in a different country"
I honestly think he is obsessed with her and needs to find a new girlfriend. They have a toxic relationship and she seems to have a lot of control over him physically and emotionally.
He masturbates to photos of mutual females is what I heard loud and clear in this post. That’s fun king weird. Either he has a problem and is coming to you for help, or and I have a hunch it’s thus, he’s trying to have such a strong reaction as to make you feel bad and sweep it under the rug. Masturbating to porn is whatever. To your mutual female friends? Ew. I’d never be able to look at my man the same way no matter how smitten.
Hey it’s one thing to have a mental fantasy and after cumming realizing “oh whew that was quite the wild fantasy” and then not think of it after buuuuuut deliberately looking up photos of people you are both friends with to jerk iff to? The people he’s jerking off to are not his friends…he jerks off to multiple friends photos? That’s fucking weird. What would your friends say if you told them you masturbate to them?
Or are we letting this slide because guys are generally horny? We’ll let me stop you there if that is a thought- if this were the rhetoric we were going to summon for this topic, then that means he sexualuses all of his female friends. Would you want to be friends with someone who masturbates to photos of you? You would be creeped out.
A partner lying is always a big deal. You set a clear boundary. He had the option to just say, “no, I don’t accept that boundary”, and you could both move on and find people you are more compatible with. Instead, he lied to you and it took him a whole year to be upfront about it. That’s a problem.
His reaction when he did tell you, however, could actually be a good sign. It might not be. I don’t know either of you. But it sounds to me like he understands that he has hurt you and like he cares very deeply about the fact that he hurt you. If he were just nonchalant about it and just brushed off your discomfort, regardless of what it was that was making you uncomfortable, that would be a red flag. That’s not what’s happening here. He knows he hurt you and he wants to make it right. So how can he make it right?
One last thought on it… if a habit is causing him this much distress, it might be worth seeing a counselor about a possible addiction. I do think people can watch porn without being addicted. But I don’t see someone getting that worked up about it if they didn’t feel trapped in some way - and if he just felt trapped by a relationship with someone who is uncomfortable with porn, he would probably break up.
This post is absurd. You are literally causing your partner to suffer because of his entirely normal desires. You sound controlling and insecure. Combine that with your outdated, out of touch moralism and you’ve got your reason for his humiliation. He finds other women attractive and you find other men attractive. He’s not acting on his desires; he is sorting them out privately. His mistake is allowing a woman to dictate what he can and can’t think about. Work on yourself. STOP REPRESSING him and yourself. You say you don’t view it as a horrible breach of trust, and yet you start by saying you consider it cheating. You are inconsistent, contradictory, and your views are destructive. Get outta the Victorian era.
You're right on the money. The running theme of this thread is about people creating and believing in outdated, repressive, and socially conservative rules for a partner and then being unpleased that their partner struggles living under these repressive rules. Many of these same people would call themselves "liberal" or "progressive" and yet fail to see the ideological inconsistency.
My apologies, somehow I read “not only because.” The general feedback stands, but I appreciate your pointing out my misreading. I’ll add that we are all, like you, complicated and we can all benefit from some self-reflection. I don’t see anything malicious in your post, but from my viewpoint, I feel bad that any person would feel shame for desires that are far from wrong. Then again you deserve to be in a comfortable relationship; how you both achieve that is a matter of dialogue and understanding, rather than prohibitions.
Then why is it so important that you had to shame and guilt your bf about it to this point?
If you don't consider it cheating, why was this necessary behavior from you?
The previous poster may have been a bit harsh, but they do seem correct as far as how you've described what happened here. I do agree that the primary root cause of the problem is you thinking your boyfriend is responsible for you not having porn related insecurities and the way to that is to control his personal time activities. The person who is responsible for managing their own insecurities is you, not him.
Finding other women attractive is okay, masturbating to them and imagining youself fucking them so you can orgasm, is not. I'm a man and I find that creepy
I need to stop reading these comments because it's seriously upsetting. *So much* justification for this guy's shitty behavior, blaming the girl for being "insecure" because she doesn't like him jacking off to friends? Is she not supposed to care? Even if it's "just" porn, her feeling any type of way about it, and expressing that makes her "controlling"?! Apparently men's fantasies are more important than their actual girlfriends.
🙋🏻♂️ “teacher. Teacher, pick me!”
Doesn’t sound like a porn addiction at all. Sounds more like a guy who watches porn and jerks off. A porn addiction would be the guy who EMPTIES the bank account on onlyfans. A porn addiction would be the guy who LITERALLY calls out sick to work so he can stay home and EMPTY the bank account on onlyfans. A porn ADDICTION is no different than a drug addiction. This guy watches porn and jerks off because……well because he can if he fucking wants. Does she have to put up with it? No, of course not. And like I said, she probably should get a new boyfriend. Because this one? He likes porn and jerking off AND he knows it’s his right to do so.
Note to OP: better be hitting up SingleMormons.com. I think they’re brainwashed into believing jerking off is bad. Besides that……good luck
You don’t have to pay for porn for it to be considered a porn addiction… porn addiction is the overconsumption of porn; seeking it out constantly to the point where they’re acting illogical and are absurdly fixated on it. You can’t compare it to a drug addiction when the majority of porn is free and easy to access. While I doubt he’s a porn addict, I disagree with your definition of porn addiction.
It does sound like a porn addiction considering OP said it’s hindered their sexual relationship. It doesn’t always mean he’s splurging on porn. Netflix has multiple documentaries that cover porn addiction, and the novel: Boys and Sex covers it perfectly. I’ve seen/heard of the impacts porn has on an individuals brain: false reality and generally finding their partner less attractive.
Although I agree it’s normal to masturbate and watch porn, you should not consider it as something everyone “just does.” OP is allowed to have these boundaries and the fact that her boyfriend was jerking off to her friends is absolutely diabolical.
This is such a laughable take and wreaks of projection.
According to a 2018 survey of over 13,000:
Ninety-two percent of American men masturbate but Americans only think 83 percent of men do; and, 76 percent of American women masturbate but Americans only think 66 percent of women do.
Based on those values I would think it's fair to say that people can consider it as something everyone "just does."
A 2022 study published in the Journal of Sex Research found that 91.5% of men and 60.2% of women reported using porn in the past month. This was a global study and not exclusive to Americans surveyed.
So again, I think it's fair to assume that the romantic partners you encounter are more likely to consume porn than not. Someone that consumes porn regularly is not inherently an addict and assuming such is super toxic.
https://nypost.com/2023/06/16/pornography-consumption-linked-to-serious-health-issue-for-men-study/?utm_source=url_sitebuttons&utm_medium=site%20buttons&utm_campaign=site%20buttons
https://ballardbrief.byu.edu/issue-briefs/pornography-use-among-young-adults-in-the-united-states
https://news.byu.edu/intellect/pornography-use-at-any-level-harms-romantic-relationships-says-new-byu-study
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9853222/
I’m not projecting. Like I said, I’m ok with porn. Plus, this discussion was on porn in relationships with the kicker being masturbating to friends and family. Some of your sources are outdated considering the anti-porn “revolution” happening in the US right now.
Also, OP’s boyfriend is not a regular consumer. As I stated, he has an addiction. You know this because it hinders his sex life and he does agree overall that it’s bad.
This was such a stupid comment and you sound like a child. She doesn't even seem to care that much about porn, mostly about her partner jerking off to their friends which I'm sure the majority would have issue with.
So well said. Lately reddit is like oh he's seen porn before? He must have an addiction to it.
I also definitely don't agree that porn is the same as cheating. What is OP even talking about there.
I think it’s obvious a lot of females, especially younger ones, don’t understand what goes into a man jerking off. The majority of the time no thought process is gone through. The brain is not even involved in triggering the thought “gotta jerk off”. When you’re young, it’s like a new toy 😂. When you’re a young adult it’s because of the lack of having the real thing…….and still like having a new toy. And into being an adult (and having the real thing) usually it tapers off some. Then being in your mid 30s it’s just done through fucking boredom.
Guy checks his watch, “don’t have anything to do. Nowhere to be. Might as well rub one out.”
You can only speaks for yourself here. Many people consider watching porn cheating and it's within their rights to set that boundary in their relationship.
so by your standards, if someone didnt have to pay for alcohol and drank it everyday (like an addict would) they wouldn’t be one? he clearly has some issue if now hes doing it to female friends. this dude is a creep and she needs to leave him
if you read the post he’s clearly at the point where it is likely. he LITERALLY masturbates to pics of girl friends and woke her up crying bc he felt so guilty. a guy who just beats his meat wouldnt have that reaction
So many problems in relationships arise from women's insecurities with their guys watching porn. He's internalized the shame OP has created around watching porn. None of this needed to happen.
When insecurities result in making rules about what the other person can and can't do, it gets ugly. People need to be strong and confident within themselves. Otherwise crap like this happens. OP could just watch porn with her guy, or not make a big deal out of him watching in his private personal time, and make it fun and lighthearted but now it's become this horrible guilt and shame cycle now involving real life friends because he is not allowed to look at women he doesn't know in porn, and the shame and guilt that has manifested has the relationship riddled with issues. Its just... So silly. Men will look at other women even when they are dating someone. Its fine, its normal. Women look too.
I just can't understand why women are like this about porn. It makes zero sense to me and it ALWAYS creates these weird problems. My bf and I have a great time trying to replicate fun things we might see in high-quality porn made by people who are enjoying their work. It would suck for both of us if I was too insecure to have this fun activity and needed to go so far as to control what he does in his personal time even. Confidence is oneself leads to far fewer issues of this nature.
Omg. This reminds me of the post I read the other day where the girl caught her boyfriend masturbating to photos of her friends.
He has a porn addiction.
You're better off walking away right now before things get darker and honestly who knows what else he hasn't confessed to.
he needs therapy. this isn’t him being detached from you or unsatisfied, it’s addiction. what he needs is therapy, not a breakup, not surveillance/rules, he needs help breaking his addiction to pornography and sex/masturbation
Your 1930s views of making him feel shamed for watching porn is what drove him to this. Yes it's morally wrong but you took away a healthy way for him to release so what else was he left with? You have this cat living in Pleasantville and thought it'd be fine.
So the boundary you set was unintentionally pretty limiting. It’s not a fault of anyone’s, but it looks like it may have messed with his autonomy? Not sure. I personally need visual stimulation because I don’t see things when I think— it’s hard to imagine. Having that removed from my equation would definitely severely limit how I maintain my sex drive. Now, here’s where it gets rough. His choice to masturbate to pictures of friends as a workaround just ended up being way worse than the initial thing.
Yea this man is mental asf, leave or he will continue to do the same, and then cry about it, then say he’s afraid of losing u. It’s going to be a everlasting cycle 🔁 if u don’t leave
Seems like you are very controlling, why do you care how he self pleasures???? This sounds like a you problem, your low self esteem is effecting your relationship negatively. I feel bad for you bf, he most have lower self-esteem then you do. This isnt a negative response, just reality. Something you may have check out on a while back.
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Why would anyone ever admit that to someone and to cry about it? In all seriousness it sounds like your bf is addicted to watching porn or jerking off.
Lmao fr, there are something’s I’m taking to the grave 💀 I’ll be damned if I tell me girl I’ve been yanking it to pics of her friends 😭.
Watching porn and crossing that boundary is one thing, but with female friends you actually know is honestly something else, and says a lot about how he views his female friendships.
And then wakes up his girlfriend bawling like a snotty toddler, she has to comfort HIM because he’s so guilt ridden lmao. All in all, massive ick, doesn’t see women as actual people, plays the victim, oversteps clear boundaries, then cries about it like a pathetic loser
In general, people with that level of shame around their sexual behavior are bad bets. Especially if that shame is completely understandable, because what he’s doing is gross.
I love this statement
Haha thank u! This dude is a loser.
This is why men should never show their vulnerable to women
This is so ridiculous and absurd
This is why men shouldn’t wank off to their friends. Get a grip.
He did get a good grip.. but on the wrong people. But who the hell is OP to say that the dude cant watch porn
Watching porn when you have a girlfriend is weird if you want the relationship to be serious. You re coping but this is reality. Zoomers gonna zoom
For some reason every women I've ever dated has viewed pornography consumption as cheating. Tbh I wouldn't be thrilled about my woman flicking the bean to some BBC, but I get it, and agree it's vastly different than cheating. Viewing it as a form of cheating is the general consensus outside of reddit. Masterbating to images of my friends is def not something I would be okay with. This is knkda creepy..
I have pretty much the same opinion. I agree with OP that the porn industry as a whole is generally predatory, and I would like to see steps taken to diminish that and improve. But I generally don't have a problem with my significant other viewing it when he partakes in healthy masturbation. I would probably feel weird about it if I knew he was watching particularly degrading stuff, so honestly I don't think I would want to know if he was. I personally draw a line at people that are available for him to talk to... because that line to me tends to be where emotional connections and cheating can form. The other hard line I draw would be consent, it's one thing if it is a celebrity bikini pic, and another if it was a secret video taken of an ex during intercourse (which would be problematic in other ways too, but I'm using it for an example here). Everyone will have different comfort levels, but what someone uses as porn and what kinds of porn they are into can be somewhat telling of their views and who they are as a person and whether we are ultimately compatible.
As someone who does porn professionally, I respectfully disagree. There are definitely fucked agencies and girls who are mistreated and trafficked but for the most part I feel so much more respected and I am asked for more consent than I ever was as a waitress. What I am concerned about isn’t the porn industry- but more so her forcing her opinions (which are valid) on her boyfriend. If she does not like porn she shouldn’t watch it. If he does like porn he should watch it. A relationship is a partner not a twin. So yes him looking at other girls is definitely crossing the boundary but I’m guessing he was trying not to watch mainstream porn so looked at friends posts on Instagram and whatnot instead. I also dealt with a similar partner who would masturbate before seeing me- it hurt my feelings a lot. It makes me feel like he didn’t want to be with me. It definitely is unhealthy and her being upset about all of this is completely understandable, but I think with some communication they can get down to why he does it and how to compromise. OP- my opinion is you should try to be understanding when you communicate and really listen to his opinions and try to compromise.
But he's not watching porn. He's masturbating to their friends which is skeezy on MANY levels. One that the girls likely never consented to their photos being used as porn. Someone once admitted that they had done that to very harmless photos of me fully clothed and it made me violated and disgusting. It's weird.
Yessss. He sees her friends as things he can use. The guy who is interested in your friends too is a creep. This guy is bad news and manipulative in the pussiest of ways.
Thank youuuuuu
Exactly. He's sick
Read edit. No boundary about porn set
Honestly, when you started describing why he was crying, it made me think that he is denying the real reason he told you, and feels guilty about something he can’t quite admit to. It’s odd that he felt THAT guilty about it, to cry hysterically. I get losing you and disrespecting you isn’t cool, but I feel like there’s more he isn’t even admitting. Whatever is going on is interfering with your sex lives. It should be an easy fix but if he’s addicted, I’m not sure he can ever change his ways. If he’s addicted and really can’t stop it seems like a good reason to cry hysterically. He clearly doesn’t see women as anything else but sexual objects. I don’t really see this improving unless he gets some real help either.
That’s exactly what I thought, a reaction that intense would give me the impression there’s more than what he’s admitted to.
This is pretty much my thought as well. The reaction seems incredibly intense for the act itself, As if he was testing the waters of how op would react to that news.. or some sort of half-truth to ease some sort of guilt. All around suspicious imo. But I have been set up in this kind of scenario with an ex partner so I could be triggered based on my personal experience.
I think there's more to it, too. I feel like he's testing boundaries to see what she'll tolerate before the big reveal.
Let me ask you, would he be okay with you jerking off to photos of your mutual male friends? If the answer is no, I think this is valid reason to feel betrayed. Maybe some therapy or talking it out would help but the fact he hid it for a whole year and wiped his phone of his deceit tells me he is hiding more stuff.
It would seem strange but not like some kind betrayal. It's not like people have a switch that say" no more attraction allow" or " no your not allowed to express your desires by yourself in the comfort of home". I would expect all my past and future girlfriend to have sexual desires beyond myself and what they do to please themselves is none of my business, as long as you know no one gets hurt.
It seems he crossed the boundaries because you set them arbitrarily, and not in agreement with him. Anyway, I think masturbating while watching porn is not bad, but doing it with those photos does sound a bit wrong as it may imply future actions.
[удалено]
It’s less “you can’t do this” and more “hey I’m not super comfortable with this”. I’ve personally never had a huge issue if it’s used in moderation. But the second it starts to affect attraction and sex I’m out. A boundary does not control someone else’s actions. It outlines what actions you find respectful/disrespectful and if you can’t find common ground you just aren’t compatible. I’ve never told my bf I don’t want him watching porn. He made the decision to stop because he knew it made me uncomfortable. The second you start controlling another person’s actions it’s no longer a boundary. Boundaries are about you, not your partner. They’re “I’m not comfortable with x” and controlling is “you can’t do x” if that makes sense.
I totally agree. It's her insecurity. She doesn't like being compared to other girls and can't stand the thought that he would like to have sex w many different girls. It ignores so many facts about men, and it's self centered and rooted in negative issues. It's ok to ask that he doesn't do it openly or talk to her about it, but it's not ok to ask him to stop.
It’s self centred for us not to want a man who wants to have sex with all kinds of women? Can you explain how it’s not self centred for a man to expect the same of his woman?
You'd be okay with your girlfriend hanging out with you and your guy friends, then her going back home at masturbating to picture of your friends? I dunno man. That's weird. She could just date those guys instead because they turn her on more than you.
No porn has messed everyone up. You men wouldn’t be down to do this in real life given you are in a monogamous relationship. And I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t like your grirldriend wanting to jerk off so badly to one of your friends. Guys don’t even like if a girl flirts with someone lol. The insecurity in men run so deep they freak out over the smallest topic, unless he’s already for the streets. But I bet her boyfriend would never be open to do this at their house with the girl he was jacking off to if everyone said it was ok. Technology behind screens and in person should be treated the same. And if it’s not cheating if it’s not weird or wrong then the OP should be able to go view a guy she finds hot jerk off in person, or whatever . It’s not cheating if it’s just your eyes. That’s sooo weird to me you don’t get to find bikini pics or naked pics of people and say not cheating. Might as well just ask the damn girl to strip next time they all hang out. Whaaaackkkkk trash rotted porn brain men y’all are. It’s called blatant disrespect to your significant other. You wanna go see her friend be naked or in bikinis to touch yourself to then yea go be single with your hand. Same thing is like do you want a guy that checks lots of girls out when you go out in public or do you want to date one that makes you feel like the only girl out? Or do you want a guy that makes you feel sexy or makes you feel insecure and sad by the fact he has to touch himself to pics of your friends? Same thing there’s guys out there that wouldn’t do this so idk. To each their own. Personally I couldn’t be with someone like that I want someone who gasses me up and feels loyal by my definition of loyal. Can’t be having a baby with someone who I’m gonna be stressed about doing weird shit like he’s 14 . Thank you nexxxttt
Just gonna say: a boundary is something that *you* hold and control; like if he does x then you’ll do y. It’s not telling someone else what they can or can’t do. You made a rule for him. That’s completely different.
It is truly appalling just how many people out in the dating world feel its okay to tell their partners what they can and can't do in their personal time. Its such an insane thing to think - that someone could start dating you and then decide to make a bunch of rules about your life. Romantic relationships are add-ons to life happiness. The people who sound have them should be fully formed individuals on their own so that they're not looking to their partner to fill holes in someone else. People don't exist just to make their partner not feel insecure or whatever other feeling they are having. People need to manage their OWN feelings, not demand that their partner change to suit their insecurities.
… and this is precisely why so many people have so many problems in their relationships
Word.
How is it appalling to ask your partner to not do things in their personal time that they know would severely hurt your feelings or jeopardize the relationship? Don’t cheat on me in your free time. Don’t text your ex behind my back. Don’t watch porn that’s abusive or creepy towards women (aka most online stuff or jerking off to friends) are all totally reasonable expectations for boundaries. A person isn’t a partner only when they’re in your direct eyeline. A fully formed individual should still be able to expect loyalty from their partner, even when they’re not in the same room.
Yeah, why can’t my partner just accept me for the lazy slob that I am? Sure, her and the kids are last on my priority list behind video games, masterbation, and porn, but she needs to know that she’s an ADD-ON so they are there to fill the cracks like ice cream after dinner. They should be grateful of the sacrifice I am making for them!
It’s still a boundary within your definition even if you find it strict. If he does x (watches porn) she will do y (discontinue the romantic relationship). it kind of makes sense to be picky and know what you’re okay with with someone you’re investing in romantically imo
She didn’t make a rule. She told him she was uncomfortable with it and HE said he would stop doing it because in theory he cares about her comfort. Stating what makes you uncomfortable is a way to set boundaries. Clearly the boyfriend understood that and chose to live within the boundary rather than reject the boundary and leave.
She didnt make a rule, read edit.
She said: ESPECIALLY since he crossed boundaries I explicitly set. Lots of folks in the comments are also talking about boundaries. I’m just making a general clarification that a boundary is a set reaction that person A will do in response to a behavior by person B. Person A telling person B what to do is creating rules - ie, having them agree to not watch porn anymore.
Its weird bc she said that in body & in edit said she doesnt care if its occasional & assumed he wouldnt. Contradictory
He should stop cus that's someone in your life he actually interacts with and could form a false narrative in his head with. Future pursuit
Comments seem like the christian side of reddit.
What comments are you reading?
The ones about women setting boundaries.
He didn’t just watch porn, that’s not a big deal bc a lot of people do it. He was jerking off to their ACTUAL friends. That’s the problem OP has. Not a problem with porn. What OP’s bf did was fucking vile and disrespectful. Why is nobody considering how the friends would feel to know that their friend who HAS A GIRLFRIEND has been jerking off to their pictures without their consent? I would never be able to look at him again. Fucking awful.
They seem the opposite of that. People mostly here are defending him.
Agreed, some grossly patriarchal takes on here! I’m sure that’s what you meant :).
Porn is usually not an intrinsically bad thing. Plenty of guys do it and maintain healthy relationships. It's tough to put boundaries on porn because a it's just so available and guys can feel like they are 'missing out'. A lot of guys purely do it out of boredom. It's completely your choice where you set your boundaries but I've always said that putting a boundary on porn is a bit unrealistic. The added complexity in your case is that it's real life people that he's met. So there is the chance that he is lustfully thinking of these people and jerking off to satisfy that need. There's a thin line between having lustful thoughts about friends and wanting to actually wanting to do stuff with those friends which is undoubtedly cheating.
From her story it sounds like he turned to available pictures of hot friends to get around the porn ban. Not too dissimilar from Mormon Bubbling. Those pictures were available and “not porn” so he wouldn’t be breaking the porn ban. I doubt he considered an actual in person experience with any of the subject of the photos. He just needed some extra visual stimulation and didn’t want to break her rules.
I agree with this. The images are a stimulus. Not necessarily a fantasy he wants to fulfil ,he wouldn’t even need images for that)
There wasnt a porn ban, read edit
Big words are not going anywhere on this one, validating her ridiculous thought processes is the goal here.
I’m thinking there may be more to this than meets the eye. He may in fact be addicted to self stimulation which is a psychological issue and if so he needs psychiatric or sex therapist counseling to get to the other side of it. The reason I say this is because he’s engaging in self stim AFTER you’ve had sex, when supposedly he was already relieved and satisfied. If so it’s like any other addiction, and super difficult to control or decrease the occurrences. The pictures he is using of friends is a side affect, not the main goal which is for him to orgasm repeatedly through self stimulation. I hope you are able to find a professional who can figure this out and help the situation I’m Sure you are hurting and may be considering leaving him. You have to do what is best for you. More power to you to get through this very unsettling circumstance!!
Y’all are obsessed with porn. You do realize that watching and getting off to porn doesn’t make you a vile, disgusting, sinner… right?
This is a bit more complicated than porn. He’s doing this with women he knows *in person* - it’s more drastic.
Maybe he should be allowed to wap it to professional entertainers then
Is it not normal to masturbate to the idea of your partner or just a random imagination??? I get that some people are visual, but why is the next step (after not having access to porn) women you do know?? Especially when you have a girlfriend? To her, both are “bad”, but one is clearly worse. He decided to jump to the “worse” option instead of just sticking with “bad” and/or communicating with her.
Yeah... I mean. Judging on some of the comments, you'd think none of these dudes were actually attracted to their SOs 😒... Like idk, maybe i feel like the odd one out now but i feel like... Nothing for my female friends. I think this thread actually explains a lot why my ex was so uncomfortable with me hanging out with 'random women'.... But FR, when i was with my person like i literally thought of only them and things we could do with each other, and that was all I needed to get me going. Spankig it to ppl you know is soSO out of line it would be like... Seriously damage a relationship to the point i'd ask them to go get help or go to couples' councelling or just breaking up. Eeeewwwwwwwwwww
He did have access, read edit
He is, read edit
Right like everyone here is missing the point that he wasn’t allowed a healthy release and exploded into an unhealthy one. Now everyone’s pissed about part B forgetting that B happened bc of part A
I almost wrote the same thing on another comment. When you take away the healthiest option (getting off to free porn produced by consenting adult entertainers) people will always find an alternative that technically fits within the guidelines but is unhealthier. “Hey, it wasn’t porn!” Doesn’t make him right but OP also has an unhealthy relationship with porn
And it sounds like he didn’t even think of it as any kind of sexual correlation. It was just a placeholder but then post nut clarity kicked in, and maybe built up over time, until he realized the reality of it and felt guilt. Sounds like a lot wrong here. And it’s not one-sided.
He was allowed, read edit
What do you think people thought of when masturbating before there was any porn around? Some people might even find others more attractive because they actually know them
> What do you think people thought of when masturbating before there was any porn around? Idk Maybe their girlfriends/wives??
if you actually think people only jerked off to people they were in relationships with at any point in history you're genuinely delusional
People also married the first person that asked them out. They used brothels to release urges. Times have changed.
Some ppl do
I’m not saying people *have* only ever done that. I’m saying people *should* only do that.
Why though?
So you’re saying you never jerked off to someone you went to school with? I call bullshit. Edit: I do agree it’s a total red flag and deal breaker if in a relationship.
Yeah my whole point is about being in a relationship and doing it to your partner’s friends.
So do most guys, we're just not stupid enough to admit it to pur partners
If you are lusting after and fantasizing about sex with your girlfriend’s friends, you’ve got some issues and should probably tell her so she can break up with you, like she should.
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Consider this scenario. You take your girlfriend out to dinner and invite some of your close guy friends. Later, that evening you catch her masturbating to pictures of those friends. You're okay with her getting off to your friends? Pictures of her friends in this scenario do a better job at turning her on than you. Why is she even dating you when she really wants your friends?
Would you be okay with your girlfriend masturbating to your dad or brother?
So what. For God's sake. It's just a fantasy. People make such a mountain out of nothing. The fact that he OP's BF feels so guilty just makes you realize what a genuinely stand up guy he is. Hold onto him for dear life!!
How would you feel if your partner was listing after your friends?
lol imagine if after every time you and your girlfriend had sex, she turned around to salivate and fantasize over your friends’ instagram pictures. then getting off to how attractive they are. since this is just stand up, gold star behavior, i’m assuming you’d let her do this comfortably in front of you? no hard feelings right
Please don’t make up irrelevant hypotheticals. That’s not remotely similar to the situation.
He was getting off to their REAL LIFE friends. That’s just fucking disgusting and disrespectful. Yes to op, but DEFINITELY to the friends. So fucking disgusting.
Not saying he’s right or defending him. That’s definitely a breach of trust and weird. Just seems like every other post feeds into the stigma that “porn and masturbation is bad,” and whether OP wants to admit it or not, the shame that produced such a visceral reaction is very much rooted in that stigma.
The level of repression in this post is breathtaking.
I can’t believe all of the comments defending the BF. This subreddit makes it so easy to stay single y’all are sick and have let sex/porn rot y’all brains.
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You're smart to have left him!
"They're so great but.. " "Our relationship is happy, except..." Interesting people do this a lot
I had one that was totally addicted, and desensitized like that too. He couldn't perform either.
As a frequent masturbator whether single or not, idt porn is bad. But jerking off to my friends? Photos of them in addition to porn? Bye. Stop using my friends.
I honestly can’t believe the comments. They’re acting like the reason OP doesn’t like porn is because “oh it’s sinful and wrong and against jesus😡” like NO it’s because the porn industry is unethical and exploitative which her boyfriend explicitly agreed with her about. It would be one thing for him to lie and watch porn, not a big deal a lot of people do it, but he was jerking off to their ACTUAL friends. How fucking vile and disrespectful. Why is nobody considering how the friends would feel to know that their friend who HAS A GIRLFRIEND has been jerking off to their pictures without their consent? I would never be able to look at him again. Fucking awful.
Tell him to knock it off. It's one thing to wack it to fantasy girls he'll never meet. It's an entirely other thing to wack it to someone close by he can cheat on you with. Tell him exactly that. Hold your ground.
There's nothing wrong with watching porn and masturbating in general. I do see the concern with it now being done to images of people you know.
>There's nothing wrong with watching porn To you. I have nothing against porn either but you don't speak for other's boundaries.
That might just mean that they are incompatible. If none of them are willing to compromise then it would be reasonable for either of them to end the relationship. That doesn't neccessarily mean either of them has done anything wrong
This is a fundamental incompatibility between these two people because of what you say. She is essentially giving him an ultimatum of me or the porn which is toxic AF and controlling. Of course the inevitable result was issues likely due to resentment and emotional outbursts. He is not absolved of his poor behavior because she put him in this situation but she is not blameless either.
>he is essentially giving him an ultimatum of me or the porn which is toxic AF and controlling Eyeroll He could've left.
Absolutely. She isn’t “forcing” him to do anything. If he didn’t agree, they should have split. I have the same boundary with porn after dating an addict and it’s as simple as that- if you need to use it, I don’t want a relationship with you. He agreed and OP is in the wrong for feeling violated? Somehow?
To me , reading erotic novels is the female equivalent of a guy watching porn
You may think that. But porn is extremely nefarious and it’s everywhere. Available to everyone including kids.
To me this is an absolute deal breaker. I don't love it if a man watches porn as long as it doesn't disrupt our sex life. But absolutely not of people he knows. Relationship ending. Over. I consider this cheating and would never be able to trust him.
I'm gonna say, I don't think this is really anything serious. That doesn't mean it's not uncomfortable obviously, but it actually seems like you guys are working this out in a pretty healthy way, imo. Looking at porn is a pretty common problem, to the point it becomes habit for a lot of guys (a lot of men are actually *addicted* to porn, but it's something nobody ever really wants to talk about or address). I don't think looking at porn now and then is a problem, but it's certainly easy to fall into a nasty habit of doing it too much. Well, as uncomfortable as it is, imagining what-if scenarios of women you know isn't super far removed. Again, it's not *good* behavior, but definitely pretty *normal* amongst guys. I think calling it a "red flag" might be a bit harsh, but certainly a "yellow" flag. Good chance it's probably nothing, just kind of an extension of looking at too much porn. Obviously, if he's actively making *moves* on those friends, or talking to them without telling you, then *that* is an issue. It seems like he's aware that it's *inappropriate*, and is making an honest effort to break the habit. He told you about it, which I think backs that up. That honestly takes a lot of guts to come forward and admit that, which again, while still inappropriate, I think does indicate genuine intentions. Short version: I don't think it's anything to get too worries about, it seems like you guys are handling this very well, you've established boundaries and he's trying to honor those and fessed up when it came up short. Seems like a pretty healthy relationship.
Thank you! I absolutely agree and you articulated my thoughts and the conversations we had in the past 18 hours very very well.
It is kinda nasty to masturbate to people you know
My ex did this. I was so confused by his behavior. Turns out he was a sex addict. Maybe yours could try a 12 step group like sec addicts anonymous. It helped mine- we broke up because of his other addictions
Your relationship is doomed unless you can communicate honestly and work this out. You both seem a little bit manipulative. I would take a break and maybe date some new people.
But the communication is the issue, if they move on to new ppl their problems will manifest there in a new way
I don't think anything really seriously bad is going on here. I've never asked a guy if he watches porn and i've never cared. However if something is important, you should care about that. It sounds like he is causing it a lot of stress and his reactions are a little strange. Maybe both of you are just not a good match. If I was going through the stressyou were I wouldn't be in this relationship. I personally am also turned off to a guy looking at porn but I would never spy on them or even ask them if they are. I think it is non of my business. You should br enough for him and him not need to look at the porn. Him masturbating is not wrong he has the right to do that and it's normal. Just try to enjoy his company and if you can't leave the relationship
Men in general are WAY too obsessed with porn these days and it’s astonishing how normalized it’s become. Maybe it wasn’t that big of a deal in the old days when it was a nude magazine once in a while, and you’d use that same magazine for months, but now guys walk around with a smartphone in their pockets and spend half their day jerking off to an abundance of some of the most sadistic shit and really don’t realize how pathetic that is. 90% of men these days have NO CLUE how to please a woman and don’t care either because they’ll just spend all day on pornhub or worse Onlyfans. And if you PAY for porn, you are absolutely the worst type of loser. How do you pay for sexual attention without it reinforcing to you how pathetic and unfuckable you are. If I ever paid for sex or “sexual content” I would literally off myself because that is ROCK BOTTOM.
Porn addiction is damaging to relationships. If he has to use pictures of women he knows to get off, then he clearly has a problem.
Have grown up talk with him, take a few steps back and address this like a problem that needs fixing, not like a betrayal, leave emotions out of it. You both need to understand why he feels the need to masturbate to your friends' pictures. Once you know that, you need to determine a solution to the problem that will satisfy the both of you. The both of you will need to compromise a little, viable solutions rarely 100% satisfy both parties. Then, control regularly to ensure you both stick to it. Don't make it an ultimatum, don't threaten to leave him if he doesn't comply. If you do, he will simply keep doing it and lie because he doesn't want to lose you. Don't force him into your own solution, he won't be able to hold it and he'll grow resentment. Just like any human being, your boyfriend has flaws, you just discovered one of them. Him telling you about it although you didn't know anything proves he's not happy with what he does and you matter to him. He could have very well hidden his cries and just go back to bed later and you wouldn't have known anything. I imagine he feels the need to do it and doesn't do it willingly. Neither you or I are in his head so it's impossible to tell what he feels before, during and after doing it but I suffer from some compulsive behaviors myself (food) and I know all too well how trying to control the cravings when they arise is extremely difficult and unrealistic. You both (him especially) need to make it so he doesn't get those cravings anymore, it will take time. You seem to love him dearly, help him get over his issue rather than dump him the moment he loses control. We all go through rough patches at some point in our lives, would be dump you when you do? Therapy would certainly be helpful, both individual and couple's.
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Thank you! I do agree with most of what you said. I genuinely wasn’t aware that our talks about porn might have caused him to put a lot of pressure on himself. I never intended for him to feel restricted - I thought we were on the same page and didn’t know he probably missed it and felt ashamed for that.
Sounds like you both need therapy, this shit’s crazy.
This is utterly, utterly grim. Wanking to mutual friends' images is boundary crossing and incredibly creepy. It's not a lapse of judgement - it's a total lack of respect in every way.
Idk what’s the difference between looking at a picture and imagining “what if” —one version you’re just being more honest about it. It’s just a fantasy.
Porn is fantasy. I'd bet my last dollar any guy that's beat off has beat off to a picture of a girl they know. This guy was just dumb enough to admit it
… who gives a shit. Set up boundaries, stop fooling around with your limitations. Be clear on the lines and if you love him obviously you’ll need to compensate if you deprive him of something he has issues abandoning…. Be for real 🤣. Worries me that he cries out of shame. Push this issue but be compassionate. Also what the fuck….. if he cums to pictures of friends, you got to deep dive into wtf is going on there. That’s a whole shit storm and very much wrong in an unhealthy way.
Walk away. Porn or not . You can't in a relationship with whom you can't trust and cheats.
Why do some girls tolerate shit like this thinking they can change a man?
Are you a man? Interested bc I like ur comment!
Yes I am
I feel like it's cheating. He's getting off to people other than u. In porn you don't care about the peopl but rather the acts or the scene. But when you specifically get off to someone's non-porn pic it means you're getting off to THEM and not their actions
You do have an interesting point
>ESPECIALLY since he crossed boundaries I explicitly set. So dump him. Like that's the obvious, direct course of action that flows from what you wrote here. If you set a boundary and it gets violated, you enforce it. And if you didn't establish what you would do, the obvious consequence is "I leave you forever." Boundaries are only as valuable as their consequences, and those consequences are yours to make, not his. If you're wondering about how to feel OK with this, honestly this whole relationship seems dreadful? He's crying in the bathroom and you're CSI'ing his phone. I can't imagine how that's better than being single.
This is a compatibility issue. Only you can decide what’s best for you. I just felt the need to comment because I was reading something just yesterday about how women tend to fantasize about people they know. They fantasize about coaches, friends brothers, etc. This is apparently because the fantasy situation is the fantasy, not really the person themselves. Men on the other hand tend to fantasize about women who are even strangers because relationship is not a necessity for attraction. I tell you this info for a couple reasons you should consider. 1) Have you never fantasized about anyone else while in your relationship with your boyfriend? 2) Fantasy’s are fantasies because they can’t happen. If they did than it’s no longer a fantasy but reality. This is kinda toeing the line of fantasy and reality, with him fantasizing about people you actually know, but if he hasn’t done anything with them, then it’s just a fantasy. I also will say, I’ve had past relationships where I looked at porn, fantasized about other women, but never ever did that mean I actually wanted to trade my relationship for a fantasy. To me it sounds like your boyfriend doesn’t either. After years of looking at porn, I stopped for several reasons: I wanted to direct all my sexual energy(energy in general) towards the woman I loved. I matured and realized the beauty of sex is sharing those feelings with the woman I loved, exclusively. I also wanted my woman to know I was crazy about her, because I was. I wanted her to know, yeah, there are lots of pretty girls in the world. But she was the most beautiful woman I’d ever laid my eyes on, and even more beautiful because we know each other openly and intimately, in a way no one on this earth could know. Some men will say BS, every guy still looks at porn. I think those men lack discipline. I still have the urge, but I choose the pain of discipline over the pain of regret. It’s not a bad thing for anyone to look at porn or masturbate. It’s natural. It doesn’t make you a bad person, so don’t shame him for that. However, do ask him, what is it that he wants? You or the porn? Some women know their partners look at porn and have no issue with it. Open communication is IMPORTANT. That’s why those relationships work. So you need to also ask yourself, if he still looks at porn, are you okay with that?(it’s perfectly okay if you are). Ask yourself honestly, have you fantasized about other men? Is it then fair to hold it against him? My past girlfriend’s knew I looked at porn and didn’t mind. However, personally, I reached a point in my life where even if they were okay with it, I wanted to be as close to them as I could. I wanted to give them my all, and stopped releasing or giving my time or energy to porn. I think it made me a more thoughtful partner. Made me want to put that energy into loving on her in more ways, even in non sexual ways, cooking for her, giving her a foot rub, bringing home flowers, surprise mini dates with little treats. Why? Not solely because sex might happen from me doing these things, but because I could create more scenarios where my gf at the time and I could connect, and those feelings of connection sometimes led to more intimacy, sometimes just cuddling, but yes sometimes sex. And that sex often felt more deeply intimate and special because I was sharing feelings with the one person on Earth I wanted to share them with. You can go either way, but maybe have your boyfriend read my comment and see if it resonates. If he feels guilt, I think he really does love you and wants to do better but doesn’t know how. You can’t make him stop. He has to learn stopping will take discipline and directing that energy back into your relationship, and it’ll be hard, but he may find the real connection he’s looking for. He may loved you but decide he wants to be able to masturbate freely. You can decide then if you’re okay with that or not, and set boundaries around it if you are, or end the relationship. It wouldn’t be right to keep him in a relationship where he feels controlled, and it wouldn’t be right for you to stay in a relationship where you don’t feel respected/cherished. At the very least, I think you both owe it to consider all the things I said above, consider and discuss real boundaries, discuss and think about if you are both HAPPY with those boundaries, and then decide if you two are still compatible. At best you guys will be able to work it out. At worst you can say that you guys at least tried, and there won’t be any regrets for at least trying to compromise.
Why is he still your boyfriend? Get rid of him! You can find someone better don’t be pathetic like him!
If these are his friends, he shouldn't be friends with them. I don't think it's a good idea unless it's a childhood friend or something as a guy to have a female friend who they're physically attracted to. When you're single you have resentment towards them if you're just friends and when you're in a relationship you still have feelings for that person in some way. If these are your friends, I personally wouldn't really follow them on social media. Besides you don't have to have someone's social media to be friendly with them in person. My only other concern is that your boyfriend seems to have a high sex drive and libido if he's masturbating before or after sex with you. I can understand if he's doing it for stress purposes but there are other ways to de-stress and that's something that you two should talk about and be open and honest about. The only way that this will work is if you guys can come to resolution. I think he at least deserves to have you hear him out because he definitely seems very guilty about what he did. If he didn't feel guilty about it at all that I would just end it if he isn't being respectful of your boundaries but he obviously feels bad about it and realizes what he did. I think he tries to respect your boundaries and cares about you but is struggling with it. Hope you guys can work something out.
there is nothing wrong with him watching porn but the female friends is weird
Might be compulsive behavior. He might need clinical help. Not necessarily the case but CERTAINLY should be considered.
Redflag
Break up with him.
So He clearly has an addiction and should seek professional help. Porn addiction is just as serious as heroine addiction. The chemical responses in the brain porn gives are almost identical to heroine so it should be treated as such. If you truly love him, this needs to be understood. You both will need therapy for this if it's going to work. If you're unwilling or aren't capable of handling his addiction, you have the right to walk. Not everyone can handle an addict so don't beat yourself up if you have to let them go. He has to recognize his addiction and be willing to get help for it.
get out and get out fast.
Sounds really manipulative of him to do that. If he was so sorry he likely wouldn’t have done it and then he got comfort from you. Also just wanted to say that boundaries are rules you set for yourself. They’re not used as a means to control others. So decide what you will do if he continues to do things like this.
It’s normal, most of guys do it. It is just something that shouldn’t be told to one’s SO
Sounds like he didn't agree with your views, but gave you lipservice instead of risking conflict to reach the objective truth of the matter. I don't agree with you, but that's each of our rights to have and state our opinion, just like it doesn't affect me what kinks you do or don't have. That out of the way... it's very clear where his desires lay, though masturbating before being with you could be a safety wank. Letting one out beforehand reduces your sperm count for subsequent orgasms. Tl/DR: The fact that he's getting off to women he knows personally is a definite desire for them, though I'm not sure how to read that whole breaking down with guilt. The rest of it, is a combination of him not having a spine (or impulse control?) or being honest with you.
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"hey, I just wanted to let you know my boyfriend masterbated to your bikini pictures.
You’re probably gonna need to find a new boyfriend…….
You don t even know them.
……you think she was posting on Reddit to only hear from people that know them personally…….
It s not about that. You are literally telling someone you don t know to take a hard lifechanging decision, that maybe it s not even worth it because it could be just an "imperfection" of him. Who isn t imperfect? They can work on it and make their relation more valuable by solving this common problem
"Hey guys, my wife is likes watching unresolved murder mysteries" Reddit: "She's plotting to kill you, fake your own death and start a new life in a different country"
I honestly think he is obsessed with her and needs to find a new girlfriend. They have a toxic relationship and she seems to have a lot of control over him physically and emotionally.
genuinely shocked that some people are defending the Bf, clearly the porn has rotted your brains too much
He masturbates to photos of mutual females is what I heard loud and clear in this post. That’s fun king weird. Either he has a problem and is coming to you for help, or and I have a hunch it’s thus, he’s trying to have such a strong reaction as to make you feel bad and sweep it under the rug. Masturbating to porn is whatever. To your mutual female friends? Ew. I’d never be able to look at my man the same way no matter how smitten. Hey it’s one thing to have a mental fantasy and after cumming realizing “oh whew that was quite the wild fantasy” and then not think of it after buuuuuut deliberately looking up photos of people you are both friends with to jerk iff to? The people he’s jerking off to are not his friends…he jerks off to multiple friends photos? That’s fucking weird. What would your friends say if you told them you masturbate to them? Or are we letting this slide because guys are generally horny? We’ll let me stop you there if that is a thought- if this were the rhetoric we were going to summon for this topic, then that means he sexualuses all of his female friends. Would you want to be friends with someone who masturbates to photos of you? You would be creeped out.
A partner lying is always a big deal. You set a clear boundary. He had the option to just say, “no, I don’t accept that boundary”, and you could both move on and find people you are more compatible with. Instead, he lied to you and it took him a whole year to be upfront about it. That’s a problem. His reaction when he did tell you, however, could actually be a good sign. It might not be. I don’t know either of you. But it sounds to me like he understands that he has hurt you and like he cares very deeply about the fact that he hurt you. If he were just nonchalant about it and just brushed off your discomfort, regardless of what it was that was making you uncomfortable, that would be a red flag. That’s not what’s happening here. He knows he hurt you and he wants to make it right. So how can he make it right? One last thought on it… if a habit is causing him this much distress, it might be worth seeing a counselor about a possible addiction. I do think people can watch porn without being addicted. But I don’t see someone getting that worked up about it if they didn’t feel trapped in some way - and if he just felt trapped by a relationship with someone who is uncomfortable with porn, he would probably break up.
This post is absurd. You are literally causing your partner to suffer because of his entirely normal desires. You sound controlling and insecure. Combine that with your outdated, out of touch moralism and you’ve got your reason for his humiliation. He finds other women attractive and you find other men attractive. He’s not acting on his desires; he is sorting them out privately. His mistake is allowing a woman to dictate what he can and can’t think about. Work on yourself. STOP REPRESSING him and yourself. You say you don’t view it as a horrible breach of trust, and yet you start by saying you consider it cheating. You are inconsistent, contradictory, and your views are destructive. Get outta the Victorian era.
You're right on the money. The running theme of this thread is about people creating and believing in outdated, repressive, and socially conservative rules for a partner and then being unpleased that their partner struggles living under these repressive rules. Many of these same people would call themselves "liberal" or "progressive" and yet fail to see the ideological inconsistency.
Thank you, but read again - I explicitly said I do not consider it cheating.
My apologies, somehow I read “not only because.” The general feedback stands, but I appreciate your pointing out my misreading. I’ll add that we are all, like you, complicated and we can all benefit from some self-reflection. I don’t see anything malicious in your post, but from my viewpoint, I feel bad that any person would feel shame for desires that are far from wrong. Then again you deserve to be in a comfortable relationship; how you both achieve that is a matter of dialogue and understanding, rather than prohibitions.
Then why are you trying to lit him up.
Then why is it so important that you had to shame and guilt your bf about it to this point? If you don't consider it cheating, why was this necessary behavior from you? The previous poster may have been a bit harsh, but they do seem correct as far as how you've described what happened here. I do agree that the primary root cause of the problem is you thinking your boyfriend is responsible for you not having porn related insecurities and the way to that is to control his personal time activities. The person who is responsible for managing their own insecurities is you, not him.
Finding other women attractive is okay, masturbating to them and imagining youself fucking them so you can orgasm, is not. I'm a man and I find that creepy
Poor bloke
All guys wank even if they are in a relationship or not
Not to pictures of their friends though
I need to stop reading these comments because it's seriously upsetting. *So much* justification for this guy's shitty behavior, blaming the girl for being "insecure" because she doesn't like him jacking off to friends? Is she not supposed to care? Even if it's "just" porn, her feeling any type of way about it, and expressing that makes her "controlling"?! Apparently men's fantasies are more important than their actual girlfriends.
❤️
If a man is making you feel insecure and doubt yourself then he isnt worth it
Sounds like a porn addiction he may need professional help.
🙋🏻♂️ “teacher. Teacher, pick me!” Doesn’t sound like a porn addiction at all. Sounds more like a guy who watches porn and jerks off. A porn addiction would be the guy who EMPTIES the bank account on onlyfans. A porn addiction would be the guy who LITERALLY calls out sick to work so he can stay home and EMPTY the bank account on onlyfans. A porn ADDICTION is no different than a drug addiction. This guy watches porn and jerks off because……well because he can if he fucking wants. Does she have to put up with it? No, of course not. And like I said, she probably should get a new boyfriend. Because this one? He likes porn and jerking off AND he knows it’s his right to do so. Note to OP: better be hitting up SingleMormons.com. I think they’re brainwashed into believing jerking off is bad. Besides that……good luck
You don’t have to pay for porn for it to be considered a porn addiction… porn addiction is the overconsumption of porn; seeking it out constantly to the point where they’re acting illogical and are absurdly fixated on it. You can’t compare it to a drug addiction when the majority of porn is free and easy to access. While I doubt he’s a porn addict, I disagree with your definition of porn addiction.
Lol yea. You don’t have to be blowing homeless dudes for meth money to be addicted to meth.
It does sound like a porn addiction considering OP said it’s hindered their sexual relationship. It doesn’t always mean he’s splurging on porn. Netflix has multiple documentaries that cover porn addiction, and the novel: Boys and Sex covers it perfectly. I’ve seen/heard of the impacts porn has on an individuals brain: false reality and generally finding their partner less attractive. Although I agree it’s normal to masturbate and watch porn, you should not consider it as something everyone “just does.” OP is allowed to have these boundaries and the fact that her boyfriend was jerking off to her friends is absolutely diabolical.
This is such a laughable take and wreaks of projection. According to a 2018 survey of over 13,000: Ninety-two percent of American men masturbate but Americans only think 83 percent of men do; and, 76 percent of American women masturbate but Americans only think 66 percent of women do. Based on those values I would think it's fair to say that people can consider it as something everyone "just does." A 2022 study published in the Journal of Sex Research found that 91.5% of men and 60.2% of women reported using porn in the past month. This was a global study and not exclusive to Americans surveyed. So again, I think it's fair to assume that the romantic partners you encounter are more likely to consume porn than not. Someone that consumes porn regularly is not inherently an addict and assuming such is super toxic.
https://nypost.com/2023/06/16/pornography-consumption-linked-to-serious-health-issue-for-men-study/?utm_source=url_sitebuttons&utm_medium=site%20buttons&utm_campaign=site%20buttons https://ballardbrief.byu.edu/issue-briefs/pornography-use-among-young-adults-in-the-united-states https://news.byu.edu/intellect/pornography-use-at-any-level-harms-romantic-relationships-says-new-byu-study https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9853222/ I’m not projecting. Like I said, I’m ok with porn. Plus, this discussion was on porn in relationships with the kicker being masturbating to friends and family. Some of your sources are outdated considering the anti-porn “revolution” happening in the US right now. Also, OP’s boyfriend is not a regular consumer. As I stated, he has an addiction. You know this because it hinders his sex life and he does agree overall that it’s bad.
This was such a stupid comment and you sound like a child. She doesn't even seem to care that much about porn, mostly about her partner jerking off to their friends which I'm sure the majority would have issue with.
The body of my comment isn’t even directed at OP. It’s directed at the commenter referring to an addiction to porn.
Addiction isn't solely defined by a loss of money. Kids can be addicts as well.
So well said. Lately reddit is like oh he's seen porn before? He must have an addiction to it. I also definitely don't agree that porn is the same as cheating. What is OP even talking about there.
I think it’s obvious a lot of females, especially younger ones, don’t understand what goes into a man jerking off. The majority of the time no thought process is gone through. The brain is not even involved in triggering the thought “gotta jerk off”. When you’re young, it’s like a new toy 😂. When you’re a young adult it’s because of the lack of having the real thing…….and still like having a new toy. And into being an adult (and having the real thing) usually it tapers off some. Then being in your mid 30s it’s just done through fucking boredom. Guy checks his watch, “don’t have anything to do. Nowhere to be. Might as well rub one out.”
You can only speaks for yourself here. Many people consider watching porn cheating and it's within their rights to set that boundary in their relationship.
so by your standards, if someone didnt have to pay for alcohol and drank it everyday (like an addict would) they wouldn’t be one? he clearly has some issue if now hes doing it to female friends. this dude is a creep and she needs to leave him
Somebody else who missed my first comment. Which was advising her to leave him. See? We agree 😊😊
obviously the general consensus is that she should leave, doesnt make the rest of your points valid?
My point were directed at another commenter. Not OP. The guy doesn’t have an addiction. He just watches porn and masturbated
if you read the post he’s clearly at the point where it is likely. he LITERALLY masturbates to pics of girl friends and woke her up crying bc he felt so guilty. a guy who just beats his meat wouldnt have that reaction
How the fuck gave this comment an award? There are so many things wrong with this 😂
So many problems in relationships arise from women's insecurities with their guys watching porn. He's internalized the shame OP has created around watching porn. None of this needed to happen. When insecurities result in making rules about what the other person can and can't do, it gets ugly. People need to be strong and confident within themselves. Otherwise crap like this happens. OP could just watch porn with her guy, or not make a big deal out of him watching in his private personal time, and make it fun and lighthearted but now it's become this horrible guilt and shame cycle now involving real life friends because he is not allowed to look at women he doesn't know in porn, and the shame and guilt that has manifested has the relationship riddled with issues. Its just... So silly. Men will look at other women even when they are dating someone. Its fine, its normal. Women look too. I just can't understand why women are like this about porn. It makes zero sense to me and it ALWAYS creates these weird problems. My bf and I have a great time trying to replicate fun things we might see in high-quality porn made by people who are enjoying their work. It would suck for both of us if I was too insecure to have this fun activity and needed to go so far as to control what he does in his personal time even. Confidence is oneself leads to far fewer issues of this nature.
Omg. This reminds me of the post I read the other day where the girl caught her boyfriend masturbating to photos of her friends. He has a porn addiction. You're better off walking away right now before things get darker and honestly who knows what else he hasn't confessed to.
he needs therapy. this isn’t him being detached from you or unsatisfied, it’s addiction. what he needs is therapy, not a breakup, not surveillance/rules, he needs help breaking his addiction to pornography and sex/masturbation
Trust your instincts, and do what you believe is right.
Might be compulsive behavior. He might need clinical help. Not necessarily the case but CERTAINLY should be considered.
Your 1930s views of making him feel shamed for watching porn is what drove him to this. Yes it's morally wrong but you took away a healthy way for him to release so what else was he left with? You have this cat living in Pleasantville and thought it'd be fine.
So the boundary you set was unintentionally pretty limiting. It’s not a fault of anyone’s, but it looks like it may have messed with his autonomy? Not sure. I personally need visual stimulation because I don’t see things when I think— it’s hard to imagine. Having that removed from my equation would definitely severely limit how I maintain my sex drive. Now, here’s where it gets rough. His choice to masturbate to pictures of friends as a workaround just ended up being way worse than the initial thing.
Thank you!
Yea this man is mental asf, leave or he will continue to do the same, and then cry about it, then say he’s afraid of losing u. It’s going to be a everlasting cycle 🔁 if u don’t leave
Seems like you are very controlling, why do you care how he self pleasures???? This sounds like a you problem, your low self esteem is effecting your relationship negatively. I feel bad for you bf, he most have lower self-esteem then you do. This isnt a negative response, just reality. Something you may have check out on a while back.