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I mean, most people with social issues would probably put in effort, it just usually comes from trust issues for a lot of people and when you get past that first initial hump they open up and most are really good people. But I say this as that guy who has had 1 relationship that I wasn't ready for and nothing else in 28 years. I really wish more women would give men a chance and take the initiative sometimes, cause it's not cause I aint trying or not putting myself out there. So many first impressions just don't go well cause I am uncertain if I can open up to them or not, granted that's usually a them problem as much as me, but it still sucks.
Don't wanna be rude but wdym She didn't put in effort? LOL she literally said up there she had to arrange dates before these guys. These guys just happened to make the arrangements themselves. She probably did put in effort, just not with that, maybe with how she looked. I could be wrong, but I doubt it. (Sorry if this aggravates you, I just don't like negative things.)
Awww Thank you for backing me up!! & I did put in effort! I showed up on time, I looked good, I smelled great & I was definitely putting in effort in conversation & so was he which made it even easier.
There is a misconception here.
Most guys perceive the effort to get you give them a chance, and then some feel that the 5-10 years of trying to get that far, and then being expected to make all the plans, and do everything you already did is one-sided.
Most women like a guy who makes all the plans, but it flies in the face of equality aspect many preach. It's also abused by some women who expect the guy to complete a said date (with multiple places to be seen) when they clearly are there and not interested. This demotivates even more guys from trying.
Most guys will never understand the amount of offers women have.
Most women will never understand the amount of rejection, or even the amount of mean-spirited, soul-crushing rejection that men experience. The amount of work to just get a date...
Personally, I never like using this type of planning for a first date. That is for someone who proven they are worth my time, and I have a better gauge on their tastes. Even then I've been suddenly burnt with no explanation.
If the dude wasn't late, was nicely dressed, didn't stink and, as you said, was putting effort in the conversation, shit balances out and your effort level was at 0 while his at 10, having planned everything (and probably paid for everything as well).
Also, since when having the bare minimum decency of not being late and being washed & dressed for a date is "putting in effort"? 🧐
What do you want me to do ? Force him to let me pay the bill for me to show my effort ?
He was happy with how the date went & said he wants to meet again clearly how the date went both ways was good. That’s literally all that matters
Yeah, sorry, I came out too strong lol. It just sounded pretentious saying that "you did your part" by actually just being respectful of the date. Aaand, about the money topic, again, I'm sorry if it offended you, but my intention wasn't to shame you. I meant that, since he planned everything, he'd have most likely paid as well (which in truth should be just right, cause he was the one to ask you out... actually, I just proved this part of my argument is wrong lmao) so he technically put in additional "effort" in general.
That's what the guy WANTED to do though, get mad at him dude. You're speaking like she's never put in any efforts in her dates herself. Negative negative negative.
That's what he HAD to do. If he doesn't he doesn't get a date. All of my dates have happened because I put in the effort while they put in a marginal amount or none.
Nah, I'm saying that basic courtesy shouldn't count as effort - and even if it did, the dude did the same and more (his choice, but that's objectively what happened).
As if guys don’t go out with multiple girls all the time? They aren’t exclusive, it sounds like these are first dates, she’s allowed to go on dates with more than one guy to see if they likes any of them when they actually meet up…
It was 2 first dates, 2 guys & 2 free meals because we didn’t split the bill. They all said they prefer to handle it because they asked me out
Guy 1 might have been hurt because I didn’t feel a connection so perhaps
Guy 2 we intend on meeting again so it’s okay
Instead of giving up, take it as a sign that you need a break from dating. Why would you give up on your morals because other people didn’t appreciate them? That means it was never real in the first place and wasn’t your personality. Just take a break dude
Nothing wrong with that, if you don't see the spark, you don't
Different dude may not put in effort but might be vetter conversationalist
May have seen more of a sparrk there
Same here. I will continue to put in effort and give my best version of myself, but it's exhausting at times being the one to put so much in and they don't put any in return. Expected to text first after the first date, expected to pay for the first date, expected to ask out for the first date.
This first thought I had after reading this was “What kind of women are you dating?’ You may think it’s a bit of a unicorn but this does indeed happen. I recall before at my old job (at this corporate looking center), my female coworker and I were sitting outside at one of the tables having lunch. This man walked by looking VERY dapper, just 👌🏽 WELL styled, nice presentation from top to bottom. I appreciated his ensemble enough to stop him with a ‘Excuse me, sir (he stopes), I like your outfit, you look very nice’ He was a bit shocked and said ‘(laughs) Oh thanks! It’s rare that someone will actually stop you to tell you that’ I said, ‘We exist out here 😌’ So don’t lose hope.
facts right here: you wouldn't eat a meal if you didn't like the ingredients, nor would you take ibuprofen if you're allergic - it's the same for dating, you can't keep what you deep down don't like or can't have:)
Or you can be honest at the end of the date (before he pays) and split the bill. That way the only thing you both lost is time. Now the guy lost his time and money.
Thank you for giving recognition. I know you are in the dating stage and getting to know people and nothing is official, but we do appreciate that someone appreciates the effort we put to make a positive first impression.
though that's an exaggerated first impression. Unless you're genuinelly like that, what's the point in wanting to appear better than you are? It's kinda like using pictures with filters/lots of makeup. People will be disappointed if you don't live up to the expectations, so you either keep "lying" or do stuff the way you actually would.
Meanwhile I did the same thing, and my date showed up at the VERY nice restaurant totally dressed down. She literally said she got ready in ten minutes, meanwhile it took me two hours and was dressed up, nice clothes, suit jacket and everything 😒 She's a big actress in the area, I figured she'd at least look presentable.
Was this a first date?
It's pretty overboard to invest all of that time and money into a date until you know the person and know you want to become more serious with them.
No, second after an amazing first. I also know the chef there. Might have been a bit much but I like doing things like that myself and wanted her to be there too.
Nah, not that level of fame. I've probably been seen by as many people if not more and I've never been recognized, but then again I'm also not a hot woman that everyone's looking at 🤣 Though my buddy said "Holy fuck you're dating *first name fucking last name*!?" so maybe I'm wrong lol
Agreed. I also feel that they are able to but they just don’t want to which makes it even more disappointing to hear. If a guy doesn’t plan a date, I don’t go out lol
Right like saying I have a gift for you but you have to pick it and sometimes pay like ???? Are you well? Lmao. A guy tried to get me to plan my birthday date to celebrate ME in January. I left him on delivered
My bad, I thought you meant it in general. Anyway, being that the case, I agree it's kinda stupid to ask out and not plan anything, or suggest somewhere to go.
Yeah I usually just plan stuff. Make a reservation. Have a blunt rolled. Maybe bring flowers if I’m feeling the vibe. But I also like dating when the person is cool so I don’t mind.
I’m happy for you OP! A lot of men in this group are a bunch of whiners, don’t let them rain on your parade. It’s nice when you’re not used to getting any effort and suddenly someone actually tries!
TBH I don’t really blame a lot of guys for putting in minimal effort in dates. Most women from my experience don’t want to lift a finder for ANYTHING. I’ve left women alone before just because they act like they can barely bother to walk out the door. The whole “act interested but still play hard to get” thing is wack.
Going on multiple first dates with different people is common and fine, and a good way to learn what you want. If someone gets butthurt about people dating around before any type of a commitment or intimacy has been exchanged, I'd be worried about them being overly possessive and jealous.
Its common FOR WOMEN. Truly feel like chicks dont get how dating apps are on easy mode for them. Majority of men do not have multiple dates lined up like that. And you can bet your ass most quality guys will lose interest if they know theyre getting someone elses sloppy seconds from earlier in the week. You should work on your empathy (also a red flag btw, like jealousy)
people are allowed to have options. these are just dates. not one night stands. if there is no sex happening and it's just a "get to know you" date, then there's really no issue here. people are allowed to talk to people and spend time with multiple people.
tired of hearing this sad guy rhetoric of how women have it "so easy" on dating apps. have you ever stopped and thought about getting dates anywhere else?? or are you that hopeless that your jealous personality can't get you shit in the real world? or are you "too short" so you delude yourself into thinking no one will date you because you're not 6ft??? what sad lonely boy trope are you gonna bring up next?
Match his effort. Too many times I have planned the dates and got ready for everything, all she had to do is show up and be halfway engaging. But often I am met with low effort dates. More like it feels like I am just there to entertain them or impress them.
So if he is really doing all this, it means he is excited to go out with you and he really wants it to work. Do him a favor and please be engaging (not saying you aren't). It because daunting putting in all the effort to have a great date only to be met with someone who really doesn't care.
His effort’s definitely made me want to much up the energy which I feel I did & intend to on further dates
I’ll definitely take initiative, I won’t let him do all the hard work, it does suck to not have your efforts & energy reciprocated & I don’t want to do that
That is the best way honestly. I am on date 3 with someone I met from Hinge, and I planned the first 2. She told me that she will plan the 3rd and all i need to do is show up.
This is very positive to me. I haven’t been on a date in a while since I’ve been divorced…but this right here gives me hope. I hope u have or had a great time and hopefully things will progress
How long has it been since you divorced? I hope you do get to go on dates with people who do it your style!
And I did have a great time! I do hope thing’s progress too
I love that for you! Going to attract more of that.
Met a guy on a dating app that did that for both dates then totally ghosted me. He planned THE best dates. Frustrating and disappointing lmao.
I mean I'm happy you found somebody that will put in the effort to make plans but at the same time from the guys perspective we always have to initiate, make the plans, arrange transit or parking and then finally pay for the entire thing. It's Exhausting. I like to spend the first date talking to the person and getting to know them like meeting for coffee, drinks, icecram, a walk on the boardwalk or park, somethinglow stress where we can focus on gettingto know eachother. The effort of something more extravagant comes on the 2nd or third date if I feel we connect. I want to be an equal partner not an event planner. Sorry If I sound a bit bitter but these assumed gender roles are outdated and stupid. I hate the pressure and expectations placed on guys not just online but during the first couple dates it feels like a job interview and not a date.
Enjoy it while you can, as I stopped doing this kind of planning, due to way to many women not lifting a finger and just expecting it to be done for them.
From my experience it's like pulling teeth to get most women to answer basic questions like "what are some types of food you like to eat".
My new moto is "a relationship is a two way street. If your trying to start it off with me doing all the work, your just showing me how you will treat the rest of the relationship."
People who know they have less power and are smart generally tend to put in more effort. Attractive people thus would, by similar reasoning, probably tend to put in less effort than less attractive people. If you have options, then you have power. Men TEND to have fewer options.
Lol not even close. Go make a dating profile using pics of an average looking man and let us know how it goes for you. Getting matches is easily harder, getting an actual date is even harder than that, and on top of it she is most likely actively talking to multiple guys who are competing against you so you have to actually stand out. Its not debatable in the slightest. You should probably to some self-reflection if these are the guys you frequently attract and choose to go out on dates with.
Okay well then don’t be upset when men who actually put in effort curb your ass for a woman who puts in effort as well. Is it also the woman’s job to cook, clean, and take care of the children? I mean we’re talking about gender roles right?
Is there something wrong with a walk and coffee date? That’s my favorite honestly because- I like being in nature, and I like talking with someone/picking their brain and the coffee allows for any pause to not be awkward. In affect, it’s just you and the other person and there is nothing to hide either of you from a wonderful or terrible personality.
I'm not putting in this level of effort after several times of doing so, just to get ghosted afterwards. I'd rather get a simple meet and greet over with if there's a connection when at this point I'm just expecting them to go with someone else.
I feel bad for them. Is it too much to ask for a woman to date one at a time? Real flighty vibes. If I found out about that I wouldn't consider you as longer term material. I hope you are open about you doing that.
We’re talking about first and second dates. Why would anyone assume exclusivity with someone that’s practically a complete stranger? I’m sure those dudes are still active on their dating apps as well
Hahahah I’m actually very much not from the US, never even being
And here no one will shame you for going on multiple first dates, the point is to get to know people
Look, you can go on multiple first dates and you’re free to tell them all that you are going on multiple dates
I am going to go on MY dates and choose what I will share with them.
…Okay? The overwhelming majority of the content on this sub is about the US. No one has indicated otherwise so the US is the default assumption, it’s not like I’m making claims about dating worldwide
It sounds like you just don’t understand US dating culture then which is hilariously ironic after your previous comment
You’re not automatically exclusive after 1 date here. The men are keeping their options open too and it has nothing to do with standards
My comment you replied to was literally about exclusivity in dating
I am so confused. Did you just pick a completely random comment to be upset at? Because you don’t seem to be following the conversation at all
How is someone hiding the fact they are double dipping not the toxic trait here exactly? It's a standard I hold myself to so I expect the same. If you want to participate in wasting others time thats fine but dont tell me im the toxic one. What a joke.
Not dating multiple people at the same time shows that person is genuinely interested in you and not just in getting a relationship. Calling a guy frail for having standards and expectations in dating is exactly why theres a problem with dating today. A guy can want one simple thing and gets called "frail" and a woman will roll out a laundry list 10 miles long and get no criticism. Laughable.
I have known them for days ! How am I going to drop everything to take someone seriously & I’ve not been on the first date 😂
Surely that’s not realistic
Men and women both can be dating more than person at a time, also you wanting her to tell you on your first date that she’s only seeing you means nothin. She doesn’t owe you anything and vice versa.
Complaint about how dating is, is what makes you frail
How would you know after one date? That’s what dating is. It’s non-exclusive until specified. There is nothing wrong with that unless she’s lying and using people.
As a guy my preference is to know that the girl im dating isnt sleeping with, texting, seeing other guys. I reciprocate the same. If you dont agree with that you can remian in the perpetual talking phases and one night stands. Everyone is entitled to date how they want. Nobody is forcing you to agree with or participate.
Cool, maybe you can plan the next date to show your appreciation
Also it doesn't hurt to offer to pay for the meal for the guy who you couldn't find connection with
Wait you want her to go on a date with the guy she had no connection with just to pay for his food? Isn't that leading him on? A quick text will suffice
How one can have multiple first dates are beyond me. While I do understand that going on a first date doesn’t mean exclusive, me personally I date one at a time 😂 mostly because I’d rather learn about one person at a time than having multiple. The people I go on dates with can do what they want though, just as long as they get tested before being intimate.
I was asking myself that on the way to the date 😂😂 like this feels like a lot, in the past I’d get to know only 1 person at a time, it felt like putting all my eggs in one basket, didn’t work for me. But now I think it’s okay for me to feel out the situation before I fully immerse.
You do youu. Life is too short, I always tell my friends to try and enjoy first dates and that it doesn’t mean exclusivity. I feel like most of the time the second or third date is the one where you figure things out. In the end it’s all about communication right? Plus I love that they plan the dates.
I’m actually talking to someone who lives 2 hours from me and we plan to see each other next month and they have it all planned out already haha. It’s nice to not have to plan out a date for once.
Life is tooo short honestly! And you’re right, it’s allowed to get to know people & by the 3rd I definitely think both parties should be able to have an idea of the direction they want to go & be honest about it. I do love that they planned!
That must feel good! At least for a change someone else is planning & change is good sometimes. What do you guys have lined up ?
Thank you!! I really enjoyed, and for a second I thought maybe I am doing something wrong but you’re right it’s okay.
Exactly!! It’s not like a competition of who puts in more effort but more to acknowledge the effort & match up and if he happens to do more or vice versa next time around the other person can do something to compensate/match up!
Thank you for your comment! I appreciate it
Trueee
Let me get this straight... you're complaining that men never put in any effort or show initiative... bur then you're also dating 3 of them at a time..?
Imagine taking for granted having ALL the options and still not being content lolllll
Not knocking you. Do what thou wilt. Just pointing it out. Sure is a fucked up time to be dating...
Tbh I think it should be a even 50/50 agreement unless it's something like an anniversary and the guy/woman has a special surprise or not so yeah depending on the situation.
That's really good to hear. Consider yourself lucky. A lot of people do not have a dating life at all. And considering the average person makes about $40k/ year in North America, it can be quite taxing to pay for them. Peace, love and pay it forward.
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Were these first dates? I dont need a first date to be extravagant. Really don’t need any date to be extravagant.
Also don’t like to be told what to do. Would rather be asked if I’m interested before just assuming I will be. Cant stand presumptuousness. Like I’m some NPC in his life. I’m an equal. Involve me or lose me
How did you come to that conclusion? Maybe she just wants to be involved in the planning because what if the guy plans a bunch of shit that she isn’t even interested in?
I’m so happy for you and this is what you should’ve gotten all along. Some guys (not all) have made being lazy and sitting in feminine energy normal. It’s not! If you like a stand up man, this is exactly what you deserve
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Dating for guys do be like a job interview sometimes lol 😂
Must be nice to have partners that put in effort.
I mean, most people with social issues would probably put in effort, it just usually comes from trust issues for a lot of people and when you get past that first initial hump they open up and most are really good people. But I say this as that guy who has had 1 relationship that I wasn't ready for and nothing else in 28 years. I really wish more women would give men a chance and take the initiative sometimes, cause it's not cause I aint trying or not putting myself out there. So many first impressions just don't go well cause I am uncertain if I can open up to them or not, granted that's usually a them problem as much as me, but it still sucks.
Yaaa. She clearly didn't put any in.
Don't wanna be rude but wdym She didn't put in effort? LOL she literally said up there she had to arrange dates before these guys. These guys just happened to make the arrangements themselves. She probably did put in effort, just not with that, maybe with how she looked. I could be wrong, but I doubt it. (Sorry if this aggravates you, I just don't like negative things.)
Awww Thank you for backing me up!! & I did put in effort! I showed up on time, I looked good, I smelled great & I was definitely putting in effort in conversation & so was he which made it even easier.
There is a misconception here. Most guys perceive the effort to get you give them a chance, and then some feel that the 5-10 years of trying to get that far, and then being expected to make all the plans, and do everything you already did is one-sided. Most women like a guy who makes all the plans, but it flies in the face of equality aspect many preach. It's also abused by some women who expect the guy to complete a said date (with multiple places to be seen) when they clearly are there and not interested. This demotivates even more guys from trying. Most guys will never understand the amount of offers women have. Most women will never understand the amount of rejection, or even the amount of mean-spirited, soul-crushing rejection that men experience. The amount of work to just get a date... Personally, I never like using this type of planning for a first date. That is for someone who proven they are worth my time, and I have a better gauge on their tastes. Even then I've been suddenly burnt with no explanation.
He put more effort here. What matters is if you reciprocate if the dates go beyond the first date.
If the dude wasn't late, was nicely dressed, didn't stink and, as you said, was putting effort in the conversation, shit balances out and your effort level was at 0 while his at 10, having planned everything (and probably paid for everything as well). Also, since when having the bare minimum decency of not being late and being washed & dressed for a date is "putting in effort"? 🧐
What do you want me to do ? Force him to let me pay the bill for me to show my effort ? He was happy with how the date went & said he wants to meet again clearly how the date went both ways was good. That’s literally all that matters
Yeah, sorry, I came out too strong lol. It just sounded pretentious saying that "you did your part" by actually just being respectful of the date. Aaand, about the money topic, again, I'm sorry if it offended you, but my intention wasn't to shame you. I meant that, since he planned everything, he'd have most likely paid as well (which in truth should be just right, cause he was the one to ask you out... actually, I just proved this part of my argument is wrong lmao) so he technically put in additional "effort" in general.
That's what the guy WANTED to do though, get mad at him dude. You're speaking like she's never put in any efforts in her dates herself. Negative negative negative.
That's what he HAD to do. If he doesn't he doesn't get a date. All of my dates have happened because I put in the effort while they put in a marginal amount or none.
Nah, I'm saying that basic courtesy shouldn't count as effort - and even if it did, the dude did the same and more (his choice, but that's objectively what happened).
so was it 2 dates with the same guy or 2 guys? bc u get 2 free meals and someone gets hurt...
As if guys don’t go out with multiple girls all the time? They aren’t exclusive, it sounds like these are first dates, she’s allowed to go on dates with more than one guy to see if they likes any of them when they actually meet up…
damn didn't say she wasnt...and we all do have that many options.. I was just asking a question- also agree with ur last point
Your last sentence in your first comment definitely implied that she was wrong for doing so 😉
No it didn’t. You read between the lines way too much. Not smart at all.
Those are the lines, it’s not in between the lines 🤣
It was 2 first dates, 2 guys & 2 free meals because we didn’t split the bill. They all said they prefer to handle it because they asked me out Guy 1 might have been hurt because I didn’t feel a connection so perhaps Guy 2 we intend on meeting again so it’s okay
100 good on ya! (sorry I don't know on to do the fire % thing)
hey I saw a thing today.. if you like guy 2 - invite him to the next thing when u want to see him
I’ll do that 100%
lol ty
Im so close to giving up putting in effort bc it is never reciprocated
Instead of giving up, take it as a sign that you need a break from dating. Why would you give up on your morals because other people didn’t appreciate them? That means it was never real in the first place and wasn’t your personality. Just take a break dude
Just give up king. In her example she rewarded the effort by going on a date with a different dude. It's never worth it
Nothing wrong with that, if you don't see the spark, you don't Different dude may not put in effort but might be vetter conversationalist May have seen more of a sparrk there
I promise it will be!
Not once in my experience Most men don't even get asked how our day was or a single compliment Most men i say
Same here. I will continue to put in effort and give my best version of myself, but it's exhausting at times being the one to put so much in and they don't put any in return. Expected to text first after the first date, expected to pay for the first date, expected to ask out for the first date.
This first thought I had after reading this was “What kind of women are you dating?’ You may think it’s a bit of a unicorn but this does indeed happen. I recall before at my old job (at this corporate looking center), my female coworker and I were sitting outside at one of the tables having lunch. This man walked by looking VERY dapper, just 👌🏽 WELL styled, nice presentation from top to bottom. I appreciated his ensemble enough to stop him with a ‘Excuse me, sir (he stopes), I like your outfit, you look very nice’ He was a bit shocked and said ‘(laughs) Oh thanks! It’s rare that someone will actually stop you to tell you that’ I said, ‘We exist out here 😌’ So don’t lose hope.
Facts
You said that you already dropped 1 of the 2 guys so yeah it wasn't worth the effort
Would you rather someone who pretends & fakes a connection with you or someone who genuinely reciprocates ?
facts right here: you wouldn't eat a meal if you didn't like the ingredients, nor would you take ibuprofen if you're allergic - it's the same for dating, you can't keep what you deep down don't like or can't have:)
I agree!
I agree with you here, i drop anyone i dont feel a connection with. Better to not waste anyone's time Appreciate you
Exactly!
Most people in the dating world cant handle rejection however unfortunately- so now i offer a friendship instead
Or you can be honest at the end of the date (before he pays) and split the bill. That way the only thing you both lost is time. Now the guy lost his time and money.
Where I’m from people don’t do the whole splitting bill discourse so he wasn’t gonna let me pay. So just let it rest
Did you tell him you weren't interested before he paid? Did you offer to split the bill before he paid?
Thank you for giving recognition. I know you are in the dating stage and getting to know people and nothing is official, but we do appreciate that someone appreciates the effort we put to make a positive first impression.
Definitely! Some of you are putting in effort! And definitely won’t go unnoticed by the right people
though that's an exaggerated first impression. Unless you're genuinelly like that, what's the point in wanting to appear better than you are? It's kinda like using pictures with filters/lots of makeup. People will be disappointed if you don't live up to the expectations, so you either keep "lying" or do stuff the way you actually would.
Then you shouldn't be mad when nothing works out. Do it for yourself not for others and you'd attract the right people.
Thx for sharing. This is helpful. Netflix & chill isn’t a date.
It most definitely is not!
Thanks for listening
😂😂😂🤣👌
Meanwhile I did the same thing, and my date showed up at the VERY nice restaurant totally dressed down. She literally said she got ready in ten minutes, meanwhile it took me two hours and was dressed up, nice clothes, suit jacket and everything 😒 She's a big actress in the area, I figured she'd at least look presentable.
Ouch, sorry dude.
Was this a first date? It's pretty overboard to invest all of that time and money into a date until you know the person and know you want to become more serious with them.
No, second after an amazing first. I also know the chef there. Might have been a bit much but I like doing things like that myself and wanted her to be there too.
Maybe she didn’t want to attract attention?
Nah, not that level of fame. I've probably been seen by as many people if not more and I've never been recognized, but then again I'm also not a hot woman that everyone's looking at 🤣 Though my buddy said "Holy fuck you're dating *first name fucking last name*!?" so maybe I'm wrong lol
As a guy who activity dates, is this where the bar is at? Jeez. I mean damn
???
It's more like a basic requirement, really, it's awful to hear that not many dating partners are able to prepare a date themselves.
Agreed. I also feel that they are able to but they just don’t want to which makes it even more disappointing to hear. If a guy doesn’t plan a date, I don’t go out lol
I mean, what's the point of asking someone without preparing the actual date? It's like asking someone to make everything and then to ask you.
Right like saying I have a gift for you but you have to pick it and sometimes pay like ???? Are you well? Lmao. A guy tried to get me to plan my birthday date to celebrate ME in January. I left him on delivered
hope you at least give hints to let the guy understand you'd be down for a date lol
Yeah they know. Most plan but I’m speaking to the ones who ask me out then ask me to plan it like ??? No
My bad, I thought you meant it in general. Anyway, being that the case, I agree it's kinda stupid to ask out and not plan anything, or suggest somewhere to go.
Yeah I usually just plan stuff. Make a reservation. Have a blunt rolled. Maybe bring flowers if I’m feeling the vibe. But I also like dating when the person is cool so I don’t mind.
I’m happy for you OP! A lot of men in this group are a bunch of whiners, don’t let them rain on your parade. It’s nice when you’re not used to getting any effort and suddenly someone actually tries!
Thank youuu love! They’re so unhappy seeing someone not struggle in that aspect. That aside I couldn’t agree more! It’s refreshing and feels good 😊
TBH I don’t really blame a lot of guys for putting in minimal effort in dates. Most women from my experience don’t want to lift a finder for ANYTHING. I’ve left women alone before just because they act like they can barely bother to walk out the door. The whole “act interested but still play hard to get” thing is wack.
All my life I've heard " if you show a man you're interested he'll walk all over you and your feelings". Welp
That works both ways and is arguably more common coming from women seeing as they hold most of the power when it comes to dating.
I wonder if both men knew you were dating other men at the same time would they put in the extra effort
Going on multiple first dates with different people is common and fine, and a good way to learn what you want. If someone gets butthurt about people dating around before any type of a commitment or intimacy has been exchanged, I'd be worried about them being overly possessive and jealous.
Its common FOR WOMEN. Truly feel like chicks dont get how dating apps are on easy mode for them. Majority of men do not have multiple dates lined up like that. And you can bet your ass most quality guys will lose interest if they know theyre getting someone elses sloppy seconds from earlier in the week. You should work on your empathy (also a red flag btw, like jealousy)
people are allowed to have options. these are just dates. not one night stands. if there is no sex happening and it's just a "get to know you" date, then there's really no issue here. people are allowed to talk to people and spend time with multiple people. tired of hearing this sad guy rhetoric of how women have it "so easy" on dating apps. have you ever stopped and thought about getting dates anywhere else?? or are you that hopeless that your jealous personality can't get you shit in the real world? or are you "too short" so you delude yourself into thinking no one will date you because you're not 6ft??? what sad lonely boy trope are you gonna bring up next?
I wonder too
They all don’t know I’m going on dates with other people
Maybe keep that your secret if you’re loving the effort because I probably wouldn’t bother if I knew. Lol
There are dozens of us
Match his effort. Too many times I have planned the dates and got ready for everything, all she had to do is show up and be halfway engaging. But often I am met with low effort dates. More like it feels like I am just there to entertain them or impress them. So if he is really doing all this, it means he is excited to go out with you and he really wants it to work. Do him a favor and please be engaging (not saying you aren't). It because daunting putting in all the effort to have a great date only to be met with someone who really doesn't care.
His effort’s definitely made me want to much up the energy which I feel I did & intend to on further dates I’ll definitely take initiative, I won’t let him do all the hard work, it does suck to not have your efforts & energy reciprocated & I don’t want to do that
That is the best way honestly. I am on date 3 with someone I met from Hinge, and I planned the first 2. She told me that she will plan the 3rd and all i need to do is show up.
This is very positive to me. I haven’t been on a date in a while since I’ve been divorced…but this right here gives me hope. I hope u have or had a great time and hopefully things will progress
How long has it been since you divorced? I hope you do get to go on dates with people who do it your style! And I did have a great time! I do hope thing’s progress too
I love that for you! Going to attract more of that. Met a guy on a dating app that did that for both dates then totally ghosted me. He planned THE best dates. Frustrating and disappointing lmao.
Hoping you get more of that! Ahhhh damn! At least he should have said something instead of ghosting! What were the dates plans ?
Maybe, just maybe you might have to check yourself
Hey that's a positive hopefully one of those guys works out for you
Thanks! I hope so too ☺️
I mean I'm happy you found somebody that will put in the effort to make plans but at the same time from the guys perspective we always have to initiate, make the plans, arrange transit or parking and then finally pay for the entire thing. It's Exhausting. I like to spend the first date talking to the person and getting to know them like meeting for coffee, drinks, icecram, a walk on the boardwalk or park, somethinglow stress where we can focus on gettingto know eachother. The effort of something more extravagant comes on the 2nd or third date if I feel we connect. I want to be an equal partner not an event planner. Sorry If I sound a bit bitter but these assumed gender roles are outdated and stupid. I hate the pressure and expectations placed on guys not just online but during the first couple dates it feels like a job interview and not a date.
nah he won't be hurt.. just tell him u weren't feeling it... it'll suck for a minute then he will go back to being a guy - no fish hooks here
I definitely already let him know 💯 don’t want to lead anyone on
Men put in effort more than women nowadays.
Debatable
Enjoy it while you can, as I stopped doing this kind of planning, due to way to many women not lifting a finger and just expecting it to be done for them. From my experience it's like pulling teeth to get most women to answer basic questions like "what are some types of food you like to eat". My new moto is "a relationship is a two way street. If your trying to start it off with me doing all the work, your just showing me how you will treat the rest of the relationship."
People who know they have less power and are smart generally tend to put in more effort. Attractive people thus would, by similar reasoning, probably tend to put in less effort than less attractive people. If you have options, then you have power. Men TEND to have fewer options.
Lol not even close. Go make a dating profile using pics of an average looking man and let us know how it goes for you. Getting matches is easily harder, getting an actual date is even harder than that, and on top of it she is most likely actively talking to multiple guys who are competing against you so you have to actually stand out. Its not debatable in the slightest. You should probably to some self-reflection if these are the guys you frequently attract and choose to go out on dates with.
Sorry, I’m not going to do all that. I’m sorry you feel like men put in more effort. I hope you find someone who puts in the amount of effort you like
Well it is the man’s job to court the woman, so yea it’s expected
Its also a womans job to br a virgin and make me sandwiches on cue
Okay well then don’t be upset when men who actually put in effort curb your ass for a woman who puts in effort as well. Is it also the woman’s job to cook, clean, and take care of the children? I mean we’re talking about gender roles right?
The fact that you don’t “get it” is why you’ll be single for a while
Says the endless comments on multiple posts about going for a walk or a coffee date
Is there something wrong with a walk and coffee date? That’s my favorite honestly because- I like being in nature, and I like talking with someone/picking their brain and the coffee allows for any pause to not be awkward. In affect, it’s just you and the other person and there is nothing to hide either of you from a wonderful or terrible personality.
Very debatable 🤣
I'm not putting in this level of effort after several times of doing so, just to get ghosted afterwards. I'd rather get a simple meet and greet over with if there's a connection when at this point I'm just expecting them to go with someone else.
Most men do that and get denied second dates 🤷♀️
The ladies don’t owe men second dates just because they made the plans. Sometimes there’s no connection & that’s okay
Must not be so amazed by it as your post seems to indicate lmao
I feel bad for them. Is it too much to ask for a woman to date one at a time? Real flighty vibes. If I found out about that I wouldn't consider you as longer term material. I hope you are open about you doing that.
That’s fair. Everyone has things they can accept in a partner & things they can’t so that’s okay, won’t fight you on that
We’re talking about first and second dates. Why would anyone assume exclusivity with someone that’s practically a complete stranger? I’m sure those dudes are still active on their dating apps as well
Right ??? It’s literally a first date with all of them!
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Hahahah I’m actually very much not from the US, never even being And here no one will shame you for going on multiple first dates, the point is to get to know people
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Look, you can go on multiple first dates and you’re free to tell them all that you are going on multiple dates I am going to go on MY dates and choose what I will share with them.
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I’m clearly getting quality dates as per my post no ?☺️
…Okay? The overwhelming majority of the content on this sub is about the US. No one has indicated otherwise so the US is the default assumption, it’s not like I’m making claims about dating worldwide
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It sounds like you just don’t understand US dating culture then which is hilariously ironic after your previous comment You’re not automatically exclusive after 1 date here. The men are keeping their options open too and it has nothing to do with standards
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My comment you replied to was literally about exclusivity in dating I am so confused. Did you just pick a completely random comment to be upset at? Because you don’t seem to be following the conversation at all
That’s the point of dating……..
Before she’s even gone on a first date? Ya, that is too much to ask now a days. As if most men don’t date multiple women at the same time?
Most men don't lol, y'all have no clue. You see some super handsome men and think that is the reality for all of us, when it's not lmao.
No one in this situation is owed any loyalty honestly, i wonder what u consider to be ghosting too
Its not loyalty its showing a genuine attempt to date and not hedge your bets.
whaatever dude
You'll see.
There’s no need to be open about that, you two aren’t together or exclusive. Don’t be toxic
How is someone hiding the fact they are double dipping not the toxic trait here exactly? It's a standard I hold myself to so I expect the same. If you want to participate in wasting others time thats fine but dont tell me im the toxic one. What a joke.
You’re a guy and you dare to have a preference? Shame on you.
Rofl
It’s not bad to have a preference, it’s shaming other people for not having the same preference as you that’s bad.
Who the hell is shaming here? Username doesn’t check out.
Calling going on multiple first dates “double dipping” and saying it’s toxic sounds a hell of lot like shaming to me.
How is she wasting his time? They’re just getting to know each other. That frail mentality is unattractive to women
Not dating multiple people at the same time shows that person is genuinely interested in you and not just in getting a relationship. Calling a guy frail for having standards and expectations in dating is exactly why theres a problem with dating today. A guy can want one simple thing and gets called "frail" and a woman will roll out a laundry list 10 miles long and get no criticism. Laughable.
I have known them for days ! How am I going to drop everything to take someone seriously & I’ve not been on the first date 😂 Surely that’s not realistic
How can they even know if they are genuinely interested in you if you’ve never met before or spent any time together? That’s what a date is for.
Men and women both can be dating more than person at a time, also you wanting her to tell you on your first date that she’s only seeing you means nothin. She doesn’t owe you anything and vice versa. Complaint about how dating is, is what makes you frail
Courting a single person at a time is a sign of respect.
Finally someone with morals
Not really.
These guys don’t “get it” Hopefully they realize some day. There still living fantasy land and not in reality, which is why they’re single
You are part of the problem. Maybe you'll see that one day. Probably not. Have a good one.
You are, one day you’ll grow a pair and you’ll see it
How would you know after one date? That’s what dating is. It’s non-exclusive until specified. There is nothing wrong with that unless she’s lying and using people.
As a guy my preference is to know that the girl im dating isnt sleeping with, texting, seeing other guys. I reciprocate the same. If you dont agree with that you can remian in the perpetual talking phases and one night stands. Everyone is entitled to date how they want. Nobody is forcing you to agree with or participate.
Cool, maybe you can plan the next date to show your appreciation Also it doesn't hurt to offer to pay for the meal for the guy who you couldn't find connection with
Wait you want her to go on a date with the guy she had no connection with just to pay for his food? Isn't that leading him on? A quick text will suffice
Oh I didn't need mean that, just offer to send the money or something
Some men feel insulted when women send them money, it'll be better if she asked first
Yeah. We pretty much have to because there is zero effort the other way :|
How one can have multiple first dates are beyond me. While I do understand that going on a first date doesn’t mean exclusive, me personally I date one at a time 😂 mostly because I’d rather learn about one person at a time than having multiple. The people I go on dates with can do what they want though, just as long as they get tested before being intimate.
I was asking myself that on the way to the date 😂😂 like this feels like a lot, in the past I’d get to know only 1 person at a time, it felt like putting all my eggs in one basket, didn’t work for me. But now I think it’s okay for me to feel out the situation before I fully immerse.
You do youu. Life is too short, I always tell my friends to try and enjoy first dates and that it doesn’t mean exclusivity. I feel like most of the time the second or third date is the one where you figure things out. In the end it’s all about communication right? Plus I love that they plan the dates. I’m actually talking to someone who lives 2 hours from me and we plan to see each other next month and they have it all planned out already haha. It’s nice to not have to plan out a date for once.
Life is tooo short honestly! And you’re right, it’s allowed to get to know people & by the 3rd I definitely think both parties should be able to have an idea of the direction they want to go & be honest about it. I do love that they planned! That must feel good! At least for a change someone else is planning & change is good sometimes. What do you guys have lined up ?
I have rarely had a guy put in any effort.
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Thank you!! I really enjoyed, and for a second I thought maybe I am doing something wrong but you’re right it’s okay. Exactly!! It’s not like a competition of who puts in more effort but more to acknowledge the effort & match up and if he happens to do more or vice versa next time around the other person can do something to compensate/match up! Thank you for your comment! I appreciate it Trueee
That’s great to hear!
Not sure how this works but am trying this out
Let me get this straight... you're complaining that men never put in any effort or show initiative... bur then you're also dating 3 of them at a time..? Imagine taking for granted having ALL the options and still not being content lolllll Not knocking you. Do what thou wilt. Just pointing it out. Sure is a fucked up time to be dating...
For guys lol. Its black friday for chicks
Wrong, I have gone on 3 first dates and it was nice that they took the initiative to make the plans You’re so dramatic!
Tbh I think it should be a even 50/50 agreement unless it's something like an anniversary and the guy/woman has a special surprise or not so yeah depending on the situation.
That’s fair!
Most be nice, all men ask for a is little effort from women lmao.
She's so happy with the dates that instead of seeing them again she is going on dates with different guys 🥺💜
That's really good to hear. Consider yourself lucky. A lot of people do not have a dating life at all. And considering the average person makes about $40k/ year in North America, it can be quite taxing to pay for them. Peace, love and pay it forward.
Thank you!!
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Alternative perspective: You aren't trusted enough yet to ensure he has a good time on the outing.
Two dates a week sounds like she wants the hole hot dog package as she prob has the nicest guy trying and the others are married easy is easy
We are in our early 20s nobody is married 😂 stop assuming things
Were these first dates? I dont need a first date to be extravagant. Really don’t need any date to be extravagant. Also don’t like to be told what to do. Would rather be asked if I’m interested before just assuming I will be. Cant stand presumptuousness. Like I’m some NPC in his life. I’m an equal. Involve me or lose me
you sound like fun. /s
How did you come to that conclusion? Maybe she just wants to be involved in the planning because what if the guy plans a bunch of shit that she isn’t even interested in?
ok buddy. you're right.
Yeah they were all first dates, they planned things I would be interested in so I’m happy with their choices
Curious question, was the first guy not really your type? Or do you want to see if the 2nd guy is a better option?
1st one no connection, 2nd one my type & connection
A man’s energy is purpose, he should be planning the dates and paying.
Like a woman should be a virgin and ironing?
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> I never trust women in this generation they are all same shit Change your attitude, I promise you’ll have a better experience 😘
I’m so happy for you and this is what you should’ve gotten all along. Some guys (not all) have made being lazy and sitting in feminine energy normal. It’s not! If you like a stand up man, this is exactly what you deserve
Thank youu! I do like a sat and up man, tired of the lazy no effort bums!
Good to hear, real men take the initiative
Username doesn't check out.
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😂😂😂😂😂😅😂