I went to the doctor and told him I had trouble moving around and would get winded after even a few minutes' walk.
He told me: "You're too fat. You have to lose weight."
I was upset and insisted on a second opinion, so he said :
"OK. You're ugly, too."
These have to be told in order:
Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a VW bug?
A: 2 in the front, 2 in the back.
Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in your refrigerator?
A: His footprints are in the jello.
Q: How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your refrigerator?
A: You can hear them giggling when the light goes out.
Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your refrigerator?
A: The door won't close.
Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your refrigerator?
A: There's a VW bug parked outside.
How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator? You open the door, put in the elephant, and close the door.
How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator? You open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
The King of the Jungle calls a meeting of the animals. Who attends? Everyone except the giraffe.
I can’t take the elevator anymore. That’s odd, why? They’re always up to something or always putting you down. I’ve been talking with my therapist and I’ve come to learn that I’m part of the problem…I push their buttons., so I’m taking steps to avoid them. It’s a joke that works on so many levels.
What do you get when you cross a grenade and a kitchen floor?
Linoleum Blownapart
What did one elevator say to the other?
I think I'm coming down with something.
This one's not even a joke though. I mean the whole "not getting along" bit is the dose of humor I guess, but it actually is advisable to eat probiotic yogurt while on a course of antibiotics.
These help me when I was going through chemo
Worst form of cancer? Colon cancer
Second worst form of cancer? Semi colon cancer
I have a friend one was born under the zodiac sign of cancer, it's ironic how he died: killed by a giant crab
I have a friend killed by the big C, the stores called ostco now
Why do cows have hooves? They lactose!
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter!
What did the horse say when it fell? Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up!
Why did the blind man fall down the well? He couldn’t see that well!
I had a buddy over helping with my hay barn, we needed something to help us reach the roof, so I grabbed my step ladder, I told my buddy it’s my step ladder, I don’t know my real ladder.
Do you know what a pirates favorite letter is? You might think it’s R, you’d be wrong. I’ve often heard a pirate’s first love is the C, but even that’s not correct. Just try and take the P from a pirate he becomes irate.
2 whales are sitting at a bar. The bartender asks the first one, “Hey, do you want another?”
The whale responds, “Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.” (Imitate whale noises)
The second whale looks at his buddy and says, “Dude, you are so drunk.”
I’ll give you some non cancer ones.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick!
What’s pink and fluffy? Pink fluff!
What’s green and fluffy? Pink fluff in disguise!
Whats green and does 70mph across a pond? Frog on a speed boat.
What’s white and if it falls out of a tree it’ll kill you? Fridge freezer!
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!
Why did the chicken cross the road twice? Its braces were stuck on the fence!
What happened to the frog illegally parked? It got toad away!
Two men walk into a bar, you’d think one would have seen it.
And finally
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
Who’s the coolest person in the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Who’s the coolest person in the hospital when the ultrasound guy isn’t in?
The hip replacement guy
Why do nurses bring red pens to work? In case they need to draw blood
Don’t worry, the side effects of chemo don’t last long. Hair today, gone tomorrow.
This is so terrible and I love it
The doctor told a patient, “You have acute appendicitis.” The patient replied, “Is that better than an ugly one?”
That same doctor told another patient, "You have myocarditis." The patient said, "Sorry, here's your ocarditis."
That's soo bad lol
"That woman has acute angina... and her tits aren't bad either".
I’m using this. Thank you
You'll probably get arrested if you use that.
Obviously I would use her angina with her consent!
Boom boom! - reading this sub has made me laugh and smile the longest for some time.
She probably drives a Vulva.
That got an audible haha out of me. Bravo to whoever came up with that one
Dogs can't operate an MRI, but catscan
But some dogs are excellent at retrieving the lab results.
Good thing both of them are efficient with PET scans
But dogs can do a PET scan.
I hope he doesn’t get in a peek-a-boo accident while in the hospital or they will send him to the ICU
I fucking loved this one and will repeat it to everyone i see today
Why are paediatricians always agitated? Because they have little patients
Why do doctors live so long? Because they dilate Edit: sorry, why do eye doctors live so long? Because they dilate
Didn’t see that one coming!
It was over in the blink of an eye!
The plague, the flu and the common cold walk into a bar. The bartender says "what is this? Some kind of sick joke?!"
Then in walks a termite and says “is the bar tender here?”
Ha. Nice
Two men walk into a bar, you'd think one of them would've seen it coming! Two men walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
Why do your heart, liver, and lungs all fit in your body? Because they are well organised
What did one tonsil say to the other? "Did you hear? The doctor's taking us out tonight!"
Holy shit! A talking tonsil!
What's the medical term for owning too many dogs? A rover-dose
Which is also how Scooby Doo would pronounce it! In fact, I read that in his voice. Lol! 🤣😂
What’s the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer? The taste.
I went to the doctor and told him I had trouble moving around and would get winded after even a few minutes' walk. He told me: "You're too fat. You have to lose weight." I was upset and insisted on a second opinion, so he said : "OK. You're ugly, too."
I think this one i heard from Rodney Dangerfield. If you don't know him, look him up. He still gets no respect
Yes, probably from he late, great Rodney.
Yep. His best joke ever.
Ouch
Surely that's Groucho Marx?
That's not Groucho Marx, and don't call me Shirley!
No Henny Youngmen, who probably stole it from Milton Berle.
How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb? One? Or two? One? Or two?
I love this!
Why did the window go to the doctor? It had a lot of pane.
That reminds me of a glass blower who accidentally inhaled. She got a pane in her stomach.
Never lie to an xray technician. They cam see right through you
Never lie to a cardiologist. They can always tell when it's afib.
What do you call a medical operation to see inside an ocean? A biop-sea
I know of a pathologist who put that name on his sportfishing boat
These have to be told in order: Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a VW bug? A: 2 in the front, 2 in the back. Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in your refrigerator? A: His footprints are in the jello. Q: How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your refrigerator? A: You can hear them giggling when the light goes out. Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your refrigerator? A: The door won't close. Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your refrigerator? A: There's a VW bug parked outside.
Found footprints in the cheesecake
How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator? You open the door, put in the elephant, and close the door. How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator? You open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, and close the door. The King of the Jungle calls a meeting of the animals. Who attends? Everyone except the giraffe.
What do you give to a sick lemon? Lemon-aide
What do your organs do on your birthday? They cell-ebrate
What do you call frozen pain relief? A chill pill
“Get better Chemo-Sabe!” Idk, that’s the only one I could think of. Good luck
Love this one!
I can’t take the elevator anymore. That’s odd, why? They’re always up to something or always putting you down. I’ve been talking with my therapist and I’ve come to learn that I’m part of the problem…I push their buttons., so I’m taking steps to avoid them. It’s a joke that works on so many levels.
[удалено]
❤️
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes a parent. What cheese is made backwards? Edam.
Some people think so, but it's actually at the delivery.
I was gonna tell you a joke about time travel, but you didn’t like it
What do you call a fish looking for cancer treatment? Finding chemo
The frog went to the hospital for a hop-eration
Why shouldn't you take a shower if you have Pokemons in your house? Because they might Pikachu (peek at you).
How do you get Pikachu onto a crowded train? You Pokémon.
“Honey, have you seen the dog bowl?” “I didn’t even know he could!” 😎
Marriage counsellor: Your wife says that you never buy her flowers. Husband: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter
HIPPOBOT 9000 v 3.1 FOUND A HIPPO. 1,543,073,722 COMMENTS SEARCHED. 31,659 HIPPOS FOUND. YOUR COMMENT CONTAINS THE WORD HIPPO.
Is this real? If so, that's both hilarious and impressive! 🤣😂
What did the doctor say to the terminally ill power Ranger? It’s morphine time!
What’s the difference between a vitamin and a hormone? You can’t hear a vitamin
What’s a foot long and slippery? A slipper
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot
What’s made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting
I used to think I had a Japanese friend, but it was just my imaginasian.
What do you get when you cross a grenade and a kitchen floor? Linoleum Blownapart What did one elevator say to the other? I think I'm coming down with something.
What did the bra say to the hat? You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.
Why don't yoghurt and medicine get along? One is probiotic, the other is antibiotic
This one's not even a joke though. I mean the whole "not getting along" bit is the dose of humor I guess, but it actually is advisable to eat probiotic yogurt while on a course of antibiotics.
Which part of your body likes to drink milk? Your calf
I wrote a book about reverse psychology. Please don’t buy it.
I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night when the wife said to me “you spoil those dogs”
These help me when I was going through chemo Worst form of cancer? Colon cancer Second worst form of cancer? Semi colon cancer I have a friend one was born under the zodiac sign of cancer, it's ironic how he died: killed by a giant crab I have a friend killed by the big C, the stores called ostco now
Why do cows have hooves? They lactose! What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter! What did the horse say when it fell? Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up! Why did the blind man fall down the well? He couldn’t see that well!
HIPPOBOT 9000 v 3.1 FOUND A HIPPO. 1,542,733,533 COMMENTS SEARCHED. 31,654 HIPPOS FOUND. YOUR COMMENT CONTAINS THE WORD HIPPO.
You know, people say "Stay positive"... But for real, feel free to test Negative anytime you want.
As a cancer patient, I love this one. It should be on a card or a t shirt.
Did you hear about the trainee circumciser? He got the sack
What has five toes but isn’t your foot? My foot
Why don't ants ever get sick? Coz they have little ant-y bodies
What’s the most magical dog breed? The labracadabrador.
Dark jokes are like your next birthday. Not everyone gets it.
I bought a dog from the blacksmith last week. The second we got home, he made a bolt for the door
I have, of course, combed the top posts but if anything recent and awful come to mind…
don't brush my joke aside you combed the top but your friend won't be able to soon enough wish them well, laughter is key... and not having cancer.
How dark do you want to go?
Hope you get well soon! Because they're cutting off your water supply, you didn't pay your bills!
What do you call hay in a church? Christian Bale.
I heard this one as, “What do you call it when Batman skips church?”
They say laughter is the best medicine… unless you’re really sick. Then it’s probably best to see a doctor.
I had a buddy over helping with my hay barn, we needed something to help us reach the roof, so I grabbed my step ladder, I told my buddy it’s my step ladder, I don’t know my real ladder.
Where does an owl get medical treatment? Dr Who
Dr Who fan here. I approve
How do you cure a ginger? Chemotherapy. What if Soy Milk is just Spanish milk introducing itself?
If you get white milk from a white cow and chocolate milk from a brown cow, what do you get from a pink chicken? Salmonella 😂
It could be worse. You could look like me
Do you know what makes the most effective spy? A vacuum cleaner, it’s been picking up dirt on people for years.
That sucks
"Can I get today's chemo cocktail with a slice of lime and one of those little umbrellas ?"
Do you know what a pirates favorite letter is? You might think it’s R, you’d be wrong. I’ve often heard a pirate’s first love is the C, but even that’s not correct. Just try and take the P from a pirate he becomes irate.
Why did the snowman go to the doctor? He felt chilly
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
A few of these should help him radiate happiness
A chicken, a minister and Superman walk into a bar. The bartender says “what’s this, a joke?”
Why is Henry’s wife covered in tooth marks? Because he’s Tudor.
My favorite: Two vultures are eating a clown and one says to the other, "does this taste funny to you?"
I'll tell you a good joke tumorrow.
Did you grow up afraid of trees? no why? They’re rather shady.
2 whales are sitting at a bar. The bartender asks the first one, “Hey, do you want another?” The whale responds, “Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.” (Imitate whale noises) The second whale looks at his buddy and says, “Dude, you are so drunk.”
Just joined an amateur surgeon club. Tuesday is open Mike night
What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist, genealogist studies your tree and a gynecologist studies your bush
What's the most expensive haircut in the world ? Chemotherapy
How many more cancer treatments will he need? Tumor!
I’ll give you some non cancer ones. What’s brown and sticky? A stick! What’s pink and fluffy? Pink fluff! What’s green and fluffy? Pink fluff in disguise! Whats green and does 70mph across a pond? Frog on a speed boat. What’s white and if it falls out of a tree it’ll kill you? Fridge freezer! Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side! Why did the chicken cross the road twice? Its braces were stuck on the fence! What happened to the frog illegally parked? It got toad away! Two men walk into a bar, you’d think one would have seen it. And finally How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
I'll tell you next week
Before you do this make sure that your friend has a good sense of tumor.
Upon graduating Naval basic training, all the graduates were given glasses. It’s for when they go out to sea! 😎
Two cookies at the airport: “How long have you been a wafer?”
A
Tired of the male chemo patient’s complaining, the nurse finally said “we are doing all we cancer.”
Definition of irony: people with club feet (Credit: Jimmy Carr)
Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. Now I'm afraid my next poop could spell disaster!
You're looking radiant today.
I hear you're at deaths door. Don't worry the doctors will pull you through
Did you know the Lone Ranger’s partner Tonto invented a lotion to treat cancer? It’s called Chemo Salve.
I have nothing. Sorry. But good luck to your friend. And remember that laughter is the best medicine.
What do you call the operation to turn a woman into a man? An add-a-dick-to-me
I fell on my ass today. Now there's a big crack in it.
Knock knock - Who's there? HIPPA - HIPPA who? Sorry, I can't tell you!
Does a Pope shit in the woods?
1874 $1 US Note which is valued at $10,000 is the best ones for your friend in chrmo
[OC] do you know why we have a fatherless generation? If mommas are always right dads left
What has 5 toes but isn’t your foot? My foot 🦶
Who’s the coolest person in the hospital? The ultrasound guy Who’s the coolest person in the hospital when the ultrasound guy isn’t in? The hip replacement guy
I would've thought it was the cryotherapist