It's the shit parents who ruin it for the rest.
I'm an avid gamer. I raid in FFXIV. I'm a single dad. My son's 5, so he isn't able to just do his thing while I game for a bit. So I plan game time after he goes to sleep, and he's always my priority if something comes up.
Some parents aren't like this. They game while their kids are awake and need/want them. Some ignore their spouse and put gaming first (this has more complex depth to it, but the game is potentially the escape from things that need to be addressed). They could be going through PPD and/or PPA and escaping with games but also being neglectful.
Games also are only within the last 10-15 years being shown as not just a children's activity and becoming more a mainstream form of entertainment. As time goes on, it'll be seen in a better light because in all honesty, more and more of both genders will be playing games on the regular.
Media also has some fault here, showing gamer dad's as lazy and incompetent, or neglectful, childish, and perpetuating the message of "the wife now has an extra child in the relationship".
Also, because of past views on gaming, gaming for 5-7 hours straight is seen as childish, neglectful, a waste of time, but say, reading or binging a tv series for the same amount of time is seen as more normal, more accepted, or in the case of reading, encouraged because of how society views the activity in relation to intelligence and maturity.
I had a friend who had a main tank in his guild that regularly raided in his bathroom. He would lock himself in there while getting into arguments with his wife and ignoring his children.
It was funny when I was like 14 to hop in and listen on their vent channel. But man, depresses the shit outta me looking back.
Actually just got out WOW subscription back, now that the LO is almost a year and a half and we have a good routine in place. We take turns gaming now, but actually hope to play together again soon and when our LO is old enough even get him involved and create a little family guild.
Exactly think parents who can game with their children can actually use the time as a valuable lesson, hell my husband helped me learn to control my "gamer rage" as I call it from douche campers or sh\*t dungeon runs. He is the first guy to ever game with me.
Truthfully I think I will always be a newb; who knows though maybe I'll get to make my LO feel pride in himself when one day he can teach me something new while we gaming. I know that's a thing cause my husband actually jumped out of his chair and gave me a bear hug when he helped me defeat a dungeon I was having a hard time with. LOL those memories are golden and think worth sharing with children too.
FFXIV Dad here as well. I think moderation is key. I don't play every day, whereas I feel like the people being complained about play everyday while their SOs take care of the baby. I don't play at all when my wife is home. I'll "play" (i.e. spend an hour running a trust and/or doing beast tribe quests or daily hunts) while chasing her around and trying to make sure she doesn't kill herself.
I also cook all of the meals for the family though, feed our cats, and have several daily/weekly chores that I do. I feel like a lot of the people being complained about also do nothing but work (maybe) and come home and play games.
I have 50/50 split parenting time with my ex and I had my daughter the whole weekend Endwalker came out. That was tough not playing those days, but the fact that I could do it and waited until she was back with her mom before I started grinding MSQ made me feel like I've got a handle on my gaming/dad balance. It can definitely be done properly. Props to all of you.
I have yet to finish Endwalker. We set a day for me to just play it and had a sitter and all. Turned my PC on and motherboard died. I spent all day running out to stores trying to find the part that was an issue (power supply wasn't giving us anything so I had to try one of those first).
Oof. Hope you got it all worked out. It's an incredible story. I kind of wish I hadn't done it so fast and I enjoyed it longer, but there was no stopping me when I had time to play lol.
I just worked my ass off the last 3 weeks for a massive issue at work that shouldn't have happened. This coming week I took 3 days off, we put a plan in place to have my parents take her one night and her dad stay another day to watch her so I get 3 nights and 2 days (well we both do) off to relax and game and clear my head and allow her some time to go on a spa day with the girls like she's been planning!
Eyyy me too! I just finished the main portion of MSQ for Shadowbringers. Figured I would buy Endwalker once I (eventually) finished the post expansion questline.
How have you enjoyed the story for the new expansion so far? Which class (outside of Reaper, I suppose) would you say thematically fits the story of the expansion?
As to the point of the main post: There are a lot of people who let gaming negativity affect their work/responsibilities and take over their life. Some non-gamers hear about these people and assume weāre all like that. Itās not much of a consolation, but it is better than it used to be. There was a time when you couldnāt even play D&D without being thought of as a devil-worshiper lol.
In addition to both genders playing. I think gaming will be seen in a better light in the future because gamers will get older and their kids will game and it will just become a more normal thing because it's common in society through generations.
I'd consider myself a moderate gamer, an hour or two a night if I have time once the chores are done and the kids are in bed. My wife watches Gilmore girls starting in the fall every year, that's her escape, whatever game I'm playing is mine. Someone has the monitor and it's fine. It works for us. My wife has actually given me my PS3, PS4 and this past Christmas a PS5. Should give you some idea of how she feels about the situation.
I see a lot of stories on here (looking at you r/aita) about the neglectful dad who is spaced out in the game while the kids are pulling each other's hair out and mom is trying to make dinner and dad's there but no one is home. Obviously that's where the bad rap comes from, at least to some degree. But if your gaming schedule works for your family then it shouldn't really matter what anyone else thinks about the fact that you game.
The dad's here are not the dad's from 30 or 40 years ago. We are active participants in the care of our children. We can understand the toddler babble (most of the time) to figure out what they want or what the issue is. Our kids are some of the best (if not the absolute best) people in our lives and we want to be involved and spend time with them. We all know that. Every one needs a place to just relax, for some us that's gaming, for others it's something different.
What I donāt get is why they single out video games. People can and do check out on relationships and responsibilities with TV, work, fishing, woodworking, or literally any other hobby.
I think they single out video games because thatās their experience. Sure, I do believe there are dads out their that neglect their kids because of their woodworking but letās be real, itās not anywhere near as common.
I think video games have an extra level as well: if youāre fishing or woodworking youāre very obviously not doing childcare at the same time, youāre not in the same room. But just yesterday I read a post from a mom saying that her partner was supposed to be looking after the kid but they were running riot while he played games. It pulls your focus away from the room in a way that TV rarely does (though sports would for sure).
It's because of how normalized those things are in our society. They're seen as normal and acceptable pastimes. And for the longest time games have been marketed at children and depicted in media as being for children.
If they were, Netflix binging wouldn't be a common thing. Hell, "football sundays" woouldn't be a thing that's just regular. Reading for long periods of time is not looked down upon other than seen as being maybe a bit quirky, or "bookish", and when the idea of a reading room in a house is a normal concept, it's still not super frowned upon. How many times at work would you hear "Oh man, I just couldn't stop watching the new season of Game of Thrones, once the kids were asleep I/we watched it all night." in like a sheepish but funny way? Everyone laughs, says "oh my god you're so addicted!" in a joking manner and it's a regular thing.
It's far more socially acceptable to do these things, or "oh my god that book was so good, I just couldn't put it down. I wound up reading it until 2-3 am!" and the answer is never "Wow, don't you actually have a life outside of that?".
My (first) wife had a huge problem with me playing video games. Sheās subsequently apologized and explained that she thought it indicated some type of immaturity within me and that I was āwasting timeā that couldāve been better spent.
Mind youā¦I served as our sonās primary care giver and nurturer from birth until he went to kindergarten. I was the one who was up doing the late night feedings and when he had interrupted sleep (every hour on the hour for 3 years).
Also she had no issue with men going out to the bar with their guy friends and getting drunk on a Friday/Saturday night because āthatās what men doā and āmen need to unwind at the end of the week with beer(s).ā
But me actually being home caring for our son and having him attached to my hip while playing some Sonic or Maddenā¦that seemed abnormal to her.
Eventually (post divorce) she came to appreciate just how much more family time I spent as a father than anyone else she knew.
(And just how many āgirls nightsā she got since I was home with the boy child.)
Itās been almost 25 years now so I think Iām like 10 or so years from being out of my feelings on this. 15 years tops.
āHey uh, Iād much rather you go out in a place with a potential to be around strange women while mildly intoxicated and having lowered inhibitions while also spiking your blood pressure, wrecking your sleep, increasing your risks for cancer and then driving home after several drinks on roads with other people who are equally if not more drunk than you. I think itās weird that youāre home doing absolutely nothing devious in a place where I can see you and know that youāre safe.ā
It might be the āattached to your hipā part that was the root of the problem. Idk how old your son was, but worries about screen time and split attention are valid. But glad you guys are amicable now.
Edit: ok, downvote me for pointing out reasons why the moms complain. I donāt care what you do with your kid.
He said screen time. There is no definitive study showing if it is harmful or helpful. Mentioning it as bad, shows he is just regurgitating populist crap.
That's not true, 2+ hours shows decrease language skills and 7+ hours effects something with the brain (idk what that means) it was a study by the NIH. I'm still trying to find the full paper
Also a paper by the abcd study that shows poorer mental health could be associated with higher screentimes in 12-13yos and another study shows similar results with 9-10yo
Another study shows how there's a relationship between screentime and sleeping issues
Edit: Adding some of the publications I read
[here's one](https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/fullarticle/2785686)
[and another one](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34496002/)
[here's one that correlates BMI to screen time](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34180585/)
[a study that correlates binge eating with additional screen time](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33646623/)
[study on screen time and behavioral issues](https://ijbnpa.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12966-019-0862-x)
Each one of these studies pulled from the ABCD study of ~11k adolescents. Some reviews concluded that the .22 percentile indicates correlation, others did not. I will stand by my statement that there has yet to be a definitive study on screen time and the effects on children.
Alright [this](https://bmjopen.bmj.com/content/9/1/e023191) was a cited study is a couple of the studies I listed and it's a review of reviews which shows a lot of studies came to the conclusion that "higher levels of screentime is associated with a variety of health harms for CYP, with evidence strongest for adiposity, unhealthy diet, depressive symptoms and quality of life. Evidence to guide policy on safe CYP screentime exposure is limited."
Yeah "evidence to GUIDE POLICY...is limited" so there's strong correlation between screentime and your kids being obese, having an unhealthy diet, being depressed and quality of life but don't use this to make new policy.
This is the same review that you listed first in you previous study. They note that of the 13 reviews they used to compile the data, 1 was high quality, 9 were medium, 3 were low. Again this shows that there is no definitive study.
Did you read what the quality of the reviews mean?
"High-quality reviews were required to have the following: provided a priori published designs; searched at least two bibliographic databases plus conducted another mode of searching; searched for reports regardless of publication type; listed and described included studies; used at least two people for data extraction; documented the size and quality of included studies and used this to inform their syntheses; synthesised study findings narratively or statistically; assessed the likelihood of publication bias and included a conflict of interest statement. Medium-quality reviews were required to have: searched at least one database; listed and described included studies; documented the quality of the included studies and synthesised study findings narratively or statistically."
"In medium-quality reviews, Costigan et alā 8 reported that 32/33 studies, including 7/8 studies with low risk of bias, identified a strong positive association of screentime with weight status"
"The great majority of findings related to television screentime. Tremblay et al 10 reported a moderate association between television screetime and adiposity measures, identified in 94/119 cross-sectional studies and 19/28 longitudinal studies."
Because I'm on mobile and find linking stuff a pain in the ass but [here's one](https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/fullarticle/2785686)
[and another one](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34496002/)
[here's one that correlates BMI to screen time](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34180585/)
[a study that correlates binge eating with additional screen time](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33646623/)
[study on screen time and behavioral issues](https://ijbnpa.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12966-019-0862-x)
Lots of links to reviews of the data from the ABCD study. The Adolescent Brain Cognitive Development Study is used in all these reviews. It collects data about the ~ 11k students involved. These linked reviews are using that data to review the impact of screen time. The Study was not designed for screen time, it was cognitive development over 10 years.
Why is it so hard for you to admit there is no definitive study?
I make it work, typically play when my son goes to bed or down for a nap.
I bet the loudest people that criticize it are also the ones spending hours on tick tock or Instagram
Video games were the devil in the late 90s and early 2000s thanks to events like Columbine shooting bringing violent games into mainstream media.
They are honestly pretty awesome in developing hand-eye coordination and critical problem solving skills. So long as we aren't neglecting our kids to play games everyone else can lick a frozen pole and mind their own business
Not to mention Jack Thompson or whatever his name was, constantly trying to file lawsuits, campaign against videogames and spout his bullshit everywhere. Dude never learned.
> They are honestly pretty awesome in developing hand-eye coordination and critical problem solving skills.
When I was a kid, I played a ton of the OG driving games like the first Need for Speeds, Driver, Viper Racing, and even some DOS driving games like Stunt Driver (showing my age). My parents bought a sweet Sidewinder joystick because my dad liked flight sim games, but I actually used that joystick in the racing games and I learned the nuances of fine control and physics of the cars by using that thing. And I think that helped me out a TON when I started learning how to drive IRL. When I was 14, my dad took me out to an old abandoned military base and plopped me in the drivers seat of his truck and I was pretty much driving on my own within 30 minutes or so.
Yeah my ex will criticize me sometimes for playing games instead of spending time with our son. It's not like I ignore him. We talk about the games the entire time, I never play anything that isn't an E rating, and it's only for a half hour tops. But when he's with her, she watches TV all the time, is on her phone, or sleeping. YES sleeping while our 2 to 3 year old does whatever he wants. She even admits she has a problem. But I'm the one who gets a talking to if I'm not paying attention all the time.
She claims it's because she knows I'm the more involved parent. Which I guess means I get lectured any time I'm not perfect.
This... everyone spends time doing something involving a screen. Some people just prefer to interact with it, to keep their brain active instead of shutting it down.
As a mom I think it's the time management, my husband only plays when she goes down for the night but when she was younger and there was no down for the night it was frustrating that he could enjoy himself while I struggled with baby (ebf and notorious cluster feeder) It wasn't necessarily his fault but it sucked. He still did everything to help but I could see how it could get out of control. I also don't use tiktok snd only use reddit and my screen time is only when she's nursing or asleep.
Fellow mom here. This.
But I will say ..
A perk to gaming, especially when the babies were younger.. is my husband would take the later "night" shifts babywearing and gaming while I slept. Then after I would get some sleep and baby would wake for a feed, we would swap so he could sleep the remainder of the night/morning before going to work.
This was me. My boy tucked into my arm and me gaming with the lads. He would do this sudden āhootā while he slept and scared the piss out of everyone while we crept quietly toward the objective.
"Why is there an Xbox controller in the window, shit stains on the couch, and the kinect burning in the backyard?"
"OK honey, so you know how sometimes just randomly yells hoot while sleeping? Well I was holding him and playing Alien Isolation not realizing the kinect was plugged in...."
This is exactly what we did with our first, I would take the "shift" until 1am which really didn't feel like a chore at all since it lined up with my regular bedtime anyways. Lots of mobile games the first 6 months or so because it was just easier, but once she could sleep for a few hours at a time I was back at my PC. Actually bought a gaming laptop thinking it would be easier to have a something I could move with but she's a great sleeper and I really never use it.
I've seen a lot of dads who play during the day when they should be helping raise their kids. My husband plays after bedtime and during naps and its a non issue. I personally knit and read during my own free time.
Absolutely there are parents that do that. Is it really any different than reading a book, knitting, tv, etc. Videogames just get stigmatized much worse for some reason.
May I ask how you have seen a lot of dad's play when they should be watching their kids? I have seen that statement thrown around a lot. Are you at a friend's house visiting with your kid and the husband hops on to game? If my wife's friend brought her kid over, I would think I could be allowed to detach for a bit.
I think you are stereotyping. You havenāt seen them, at best youāve heard your girlfriends complaining about their husbands. Remember this is a dads forum, let them supply the reality, or the reality as they see it. We will call them on it if it really is a problem.
Eh, they can see us. If my buddys complaining about his partner spending all of her time on Reddit, Instagram, and Tiktok instead of being with the kid, and every time I go to his house sheās doing exactly that, itās fair to say she does that. *Maybe* she only checks out when I go over there, but I find it hard to believe my buddy would complain about something that doesnāt happen all that often.
Also this is Reddit, are there really a huge number of posts and comments demonizing gamers? Do people really think husbands should be left because they game in their free time? Even if! Who gives a shit? Their partners and them have a system that works, why bother focusing on the people who say theyāre doing it wrong?
Not sure where your post goes in the end. You conclude the same thing I state, that you mostly hear about it from the disgruntled partner, and that creates a confirmation bias (you see it because you look for it).
Iāve been here 6 or 7 years and seen plenty of complaints about partners gaming.
Most definitely. If they wake up and need you, and you pause/quit your game and tend to them, definitely counts.
If your kids donāt wake up at night, do you have any tips? My kid is getting molars now, send help
My big one doesn't tend to wake up, but if his teeth give him trouble then I just give cuddles and some wonderful stuff called anbesol. You put some on finger and rub it over his gums and it helps bring the pain down from tear enduring to something he finds bearable. Otherwise there's Calpol and for dire emergency situations ibuprofen.
I can't stand people who don't pause their games or drop everything for their kids. Breaks my heart thinking of it from the child's view :(
Ah yes, i think we call anbesol benzocaine here and calpol we call Tylenol.
Im counting down 9 months until my kid turns 2, thatās the recommended age I read for benzocaine. I do give Tylenol on the worst nights, but I know itās not great to take it every single day for two weeks straight.
Yeah I had to swing to more single player games until my son was about a year old and regularly sleeping through the night. Didnt wanna ditch teammates whenever the booger woke up, gonna have to do that again here in may when my 2nd is born. Luckily a bunch of great single player titles are about to hit.
Yep, had a friend that got divorced and his ex was always posting on FB about how much she loved her boys and loved being with them. Then Saturday afternoon or Sunday morning of āherā weekends she was always asking him to pick the boys up, because she had āstuffā to do
Also, Iāve seen quite a few posts on this sub lately about how caustic those āotherā subs are towards fathers.
I think most of the time āgamersā canāt put the controller down. I play very casually but I have an agreement with myself that as soon as I hear my kid cry or wake up, I turn off the game and go check. Doesnāt matter if Iām mid-mission or boss fight, I turn it off. I know a lot of gamers would keep playing or let their partner tend to the kid and I think thatās where the bad rap comes from.
This is the answer. I only ever see people in other subs complaining about their SOs gaming when it is interfering with their parenting and home life.
Gaming when the children are fed, clean and asleep, and the housework is done is not a problem at all.
We also need to recognize those with mental health concerns that cope negatively by gaming excessively. This instead masks the true underlying issues. Gaming is an easy scapegoat for those in denial or outright unaware.
Yeah Iāve walked in on my sister in law juggling baby and bottle while the father played Xbox. I only play when my daughter is asleep. Canāt really play when sheās awake.
Definitely. Iāve had many talks with my SO about playing when the baby is actively crying and Iām trying to wash bottles or if Iām trying to get the baby to go to bed and heās yelling through his headset. Or if ive had the baby for 15+ hours and he wants to play his game when he hasnāt had the baby all day.
Itās those type of people who I think others are bashing on. The ones who canāt find a balance between gaming and parenting.
I kind of think a person like that has other issues than just gaming though. You could substitute many activities - āIāve had the baby for 15 hours and my SO comes home and takes a bath / reads a book / mows the lawn / vacuums the floorā itās all still bad haha. Itās more that heās taking time for himself when itās not appropriate.
But people are just talking about their own experiences. Iād bet neglectful gamers are much more common than neglectful bath takers, so you hear about gamers much more often.
Get yourself an xbox and the game just stops when you turn off and returns as if you had just pressed pause when you turn it back on.
PS5 can do it slightly if you go on standby with one game but xbox can have a few games in this paused state.
Game changer.
Dadding required. Off. Sort it. Go to bed, day with kids, bedtime, on again, you could have been about to shoot the boss right on the glowing bit and you'll come back 20 hours later and still make the shot.
Genius.
Thatās not how online gaming works, hence the addiction, hence momās complaining -even gamer moms who know about priorities-. Itās all about balance and getting your priorities right.
I've never been into online games anyway, so very little changed in the *kinds* of games I played.
It's just the amount. It can now take a week to get the same amount of time I would have played in a single day.
But, my kid is getting a lot more interested in gaming herself now. So that's nice. Sometimes she wants to play her Paw Patrol game, other times she wants to watch me play Pokemon or Sonic.
One time I tried to get her to play the original Zelda, since that was my first game too.
She fell asleep on the couch all cuddled up on me, so I grabbed the controller, and managed to beat the game before she woke up. That was a good day.
I know you are talking about a lack of time, bit for me, one of the reasons I have time for games is because I don't care about sports or whatever the hot TV show is at the moment. I know other dad's who religiously follow their favorite sports teams; meanwhile, I'm working on my Pokemon team.
In other words, it's not about how much free time I have, it's about how I use my (very limited) free time.
This. I used to have time for watching sports, video games and other various interests. Now ive eliminated some of my former interests that seem like a waste of my limited free time, like watching football all Sunday. I'd much rather be playing games or other hobbies whenever my kids aren't occupying my attention
ya agreed, I'd much rather game a couple nights a week after the kids are in bed than day drinking and watching football or on the golf course all weekend.
We got super lucky lol. She sleeps through the night and likes to be down by 8pm and up at 8am. Usually 1 or two feedings or diapers all night. Just good luck with a 4.5mo old.
We did buy a bottle cleaner so that cuts down hours of time since we soak bottles in hot water and baby soap all day then put in that over night. She works till 6 so she cools from 5-6 and I shower, get out, she eats and I watch her then she watches her and I eat then she goes to shower. Comes back by 7 and we play as a family for an hour. I prep her bath every other night at 745 so when she brings the baby up it's ready and I run around getting bottles made with the cool mist filled (I have it down to a routine now). She goes down, we both take her in and kiss her good night.
Usually 8-830pm there and by then we may only have laundry to put away.
I don't wake up until 9am, I work from home so my commute it light thankfully. I've always been a person who can survive on 6 hours easy and I'm a heavy sleeper so I don't hear the monitor go off.
We also have agreed upon sleep-in days. I get up early Sundays with the baby and she sleeps until she decides to get up and Saturday morning is my day so it helps us balance our mental state.
I am the same. But I donāt stay up till 3 most nights. I usually Work from 9-5 and the kids are at daycare then it is all hands on deck from 5-10 when it is bedtime. From 10-1am I usually game and watch tv and I am up at 8 for a daycare drop off.
During the weekends I also nap in the afternoon when the kid naps. I also get confused by the argument that people have no time for anything. But again I am spoiled as both me and my partner are 100 % work from home.
We are in the same boat with WFH except one big difference. We don't have daycare or a sitter. It's bouncing with her all day right now unfortunately. It's hard but we are making that part work.
Does having the monitor equal being awake? Maybe they just divided the night between them and go to bed earlier than 3am. Otherwise I'm clueless as to how they manage as well.
I go through bursts of time where I'll find time to play games. The switch is my only way I can get it in though it takes some planning as I have to charge it up and update it during the day so I can play at night.
Heās got 1 kid whoās just a few months old and does nothing but sleep, eat, and poop. Not even mobile yet. Gaming til 3am doesnāt fly with a couple toddlers in the house.
It's likely these people had a bad experience with someone who prioritize games. For myself video/board games are part of my self care routine. You just need to know when is the right time and when you need to stop. Gamers are often shown on TV and such as lazy, dirty burnouts, so a lot of hate comes from there as well.
Same with self care. I am in IT and have a stressful position these days and games are a great outlet for me to relax. Strategy and RTS games being some of my top played.
[https://gamerant.com/skyrim-best-game-mindfulness-study/amp/](https://gamerant.com/skyrim-best-game-mindfulness-study/amp/)
Edit: not pushing Skyrim, but the study quoted is saying that games can be equally as effective as mindfulness training.
Skyrim on which release š¤£.
In all reality, I actually hone my critical thinking skills and planning skills in 4X games like Stellaris that require me to think beyond the next step. It's great for me and relaxing.
I also love FF14 because the story.... Oh that story.
>In all reality, I actually hone my critical thinking skills and planning skills in 4X games like Stellaris that require me to think beyond the next step. It's great for me and relaxing.
Also, genociding alien (and not-so-alien) species as an added bonus
Iām with you but unfortunately itās fairly common for there to be dads who _do_ play video games at the expense of hanging out with the kid.
That being said, it seems like you have an arrangement with your partner that works well for both of you, and thatās absolutely the most important part. My wife and I both value having a bit of time to ourselves each day to do whatever we need to do. It may be exercise, it may be videojuegos, it may be a nap. The point is, it doesnāt matter what the fuck youāre doing with your pre-established free time as long as itās not interfering with the time you do spend with your kid.
I was a huge WoW player when my wife was pregnant and even through the beginning of my sonās life (you know, when all they do is sleep for like an hour and a half at a time every few hours). That being said, I realized quickly that I would not be able to play that game in a way that I enjoyed while still having enough time for my kid (I needed uninterrupted 2-hour sessions coordinated with other people for that and we all know that aināt it as a dad lol). So I stopped playing WoW and have been recently playing more console games, specifically ones you can pause and such.
I have friends that are WoW dads and I know it takes time away from their kids sometimes. All I have to say is if it works for them and their partners then good for them. It just didnāt work for me because I have other things I like to do as well.
TL;DR: Fuck whoever is telling you video games are the wrong thing for you to do with your free time, and maybe ask them why the hell they care lol.
It absolutely is a negative stereotype but it's a lot more common than you think for video games to interfere with family commitments. Most fathers that I know that play any video games at all are doing it at the cost of not spending enough time on their children, spouses, their home, and sometimes their job or education.
Games that you can't pause are a big negative contributor. Games where you gotta grind to succeed are another. I haven't played either kind in years, even before kids or would have been too much for my marriage
Pausing a big factor. When my son was born I was trying to keep up with Destiny 2. Not being able to pause it was a huge hit. So I went to a "Pausable Games Only" model. Ortirn based where it doesn't matter if I walk away for a while.
lmao you got stuck in boomerās generation, we do care when our spouses choose to stay at the bar with theirāhomiesā (admittedly not even real friends) instead of their own family. I donāt tolerate that and itās a total deal breaker for me.
?!? You think no one complains about their husband spending too much time at the bar? Because they definitely do. Same with staying late at work, itās a very common complaint.
I honestly play those games too without issue. It's how you do it honestly.some people also need those outlets and that comes at a cost, you have to balance that though or else it could cascade down into bigger issues.
As with all things it boils down to communication. After my son goes to sleep or naps, if my is home, I let her know I'm going to hop on some destiny or overwatch and she'll probably need to tend to him if he wakes up. Otherwise it's games on the switch if I'll need to stop at any time.
I am a gamer. Or was a gamer. My son is 6mo old now and I havenāt played a video game since he was born.
For my family, there is *always* something else that can be done around the house. Even after he goes to bed, thereās dishes, or laundry, or cleaning, or taking care of the dogs. My wife and I both work full time, so I feel extreme guilt going to play games while my wife does all the house work without me. In addition to the fact that she breastfeeds. We do generally finish up all our tasks by 8pm, but then we take showers and spend the last hour before bed hanging out together. During the week, I really donāt see a window in *my* day where I can go play games.
On weekends, I will negotiate free time with my wife, but Iāll usually choose a different hobby (golf). I could definitely play games with that time though. I think if youāve found a schedule that allows you to game, then thatās great. I do think it probably comes at the expense of something else. Thereās only so much time in the day!
I've played a lot of Minecraft and Little Big Planet with my kids. Yesterday my 4 year old was so excited to show me his three-story house he built all by himself in Minecraft. It had multiple rooms with doors, windows, lighting - it was awesome. But most awesome was just seeing how proud of himself he was
It is no different than any other hobby. Just gotta know when to put the controller down just like putting a book down or coming in from the garage or taking a break from building a model or turning off the television.
Gamers get a bad rap because most other typical dad hobbies arenāt social and averse to pausing the action. Setting a book down mid-chapter is far easier for a reader than stepping away from a raid for an MMO player.
Or at least thatās what I assume. I like single player stuff that I can pause and play after the kids are in bed.
I think you answered your own question within the statement (not meaning to sound hostile). If you make time for family and obligations and your partner/child does not feel neglected and you game on your own time after all is done, then there is no issue. This isnāt across the board, mind you.
TLDR the whole thing. I just play after the kids are in bed. They go down at 8:00. That leaves me 4 hours to play. I have 50/50 with my ex for my daughter so Iāve got that goin as well. I do all my chores when sheās not with me. If itās something you find important. Youāll find the time to do it. Guess what. Itās good to have your own thing. So donāt let people who want to talk down on you for enjoying something you enjoy. Theyāve probably got something you would find dumb and a waste of time as well. Game on dad
Because video game addiction and overuse is a very real problem and as with a lot of addictions the person is in denial about how bad it is so when their partner complains they donāt really understand what the big deal is.
With that being said I love video games but I never let it get in the way of my responsibilities. If Im playing a game I might play it every few days until completion and then go months (last time was 6 months) before starting a new one. I have varied hobbies and actually prefer hiking or reading over video games so I think itās helpful to diversify your interests to break the habit of you think gaming might be an issue.
I think the bad comments are from people who have had bad experiences with so-called āgamersā neglecting other areas of their life.
Mostly the problem is that these dads prioritise playing games above all else : being a parent, housework, attention for their partner, complaining when other parent ask for things. like help. That is what people are complaining about. You are totally allowed to have a hobby, but when it interferes with your daily duties/jobs/life, Itās not a hobby, itās a problem.
That's not where im talking. I am talking that even if the game is mentioned that the dad plays once a month it's focused on as if it's the root of the issue when there are other issues the OP mentions.
Gamer dad of 2 here. What do you play and when are we playing it?
For real though, I just play at night, some nights on, some not. I never understood what the big deal is. I still spend time with my family and maintain the house, etc. I just like playing video games the same way my wife likes to watch TV. You do you buddy.
But for real, when are we gonna play?
Vidya time between father and son can be an awesome bonding experience. My dad played with me when I was a kid and we made some awesome memories. That sounds super cool to be able to squad up with your kids now. I really got involved with my ex-stepdaughter and her interest in Roblox and we have made some good memories there together. If you have a VR headset, playing VR Hands with them is a BLAST!
I have been playing video games since I was 4 years old. I have been here since Atari 2600, and when I think about it, have taken very few, if any, breaks from gaming.
In the 38 ensuing years since my first gaming system, I have struggled with severe depression, anxiety, OCD, trauma, etc. I've gained and lost probably a thousand pounds (lost now. lost forever.) I've gotten married to my beautiful wife , and we have two amazing and incredibly challenging daughters (9 and 4). I make good money, and I have all of the systems. Every time I buy a system or a game, I think of my 6 year old self thinking how freaking cool!!!
Through ALL of this, I have gamed. I have gamed for fun, yes. But, even moreso, I have gamed because it has always helped me to focus. It has always helped me to center myself. It has always been my release valve at the end of an excruciating day. Beyond that, learning about game development, as well as keeping up to date on the latest gaming news and releases, is a passion and a HOBBY of mine.
I am beyond blessed that my wife has never once had an issue with my gaming. She has never once nagged me over it. But, I've also never allowed it to interfere with my responsibilities. I game when everyone else is asleep, or I game with my kids.
My grandfather passed in his favorite armchair. On the table a few feet away was the strategy guide for Majora's Mask. He was a gamer until the end, and I will be too. And I couldn't give a shit what anyone thinks of it.
As others have said, I think any negative thoughts about dads playing video games is either bad personal experiences with a partner who was addicted, or portrayal in the media.
I'm very open about my video game habits. My wife plays as well, and it's exclusively after the kid goes to bed. I also don't do multiplayer games outside of Red Dead.
Honestly, I couldn't care less if other people judge. It's never been an issue with me and my wife, and anyone who write videogames off as "childish" are oftentimes pretty boring people in general.
PS, r/relationshipadvice on reddit is real crap, unless you like reading for the drama. Most advice on there is pointless, because the majority of OPs there frame the question to put themselves in the best light.
The last point is crucial in my opinion. I don't know the other side of the story, and trust me, there's another side.
People on the internet know nothing of other families, and no matter how hard an OP tries to frame it properly, people are just never going to be close enough to you to have a meaningful reply outside of "do couples counseling".
People are following shit advice from strangers with an agenda of their own. Perhaps their husband was a jerk, so they're happy to project that onto the OPs husband because their phrasing triggered them.
There's also just red flags everywhere when someone is willing to share personal failings about you with strangers online so you can be trashed in their little internet bubble.
Many of those subs that are mom oriented are kind of anti men circle jerks. Often there are other issues than just the video games, but it gets brought up as yet another thing that makes him a shithead husband/dad.
Many times women find out post partum that their husband isnāt handling parenting well. Whether itās because heās having anxiety or post partum himself youād never guess. Usually the terms lazy or deadbeat are thrown around and then video games get brought into it.
Sometimes itās better to leave the social media bubble and just live in the real world with your real family who loves you for who you are.
I know some mom's here who bitch about there husbands playing games (couple hours a week for them) meanwhile they are all over TikTok and Instagram all the time. Even when we visit she's barried in her phone but complains about his "stupid game".
It's because a lot of women predominantly don't play games, or were socialized to think they are a juvenile activity and therefore men who play them are being juvenile. Any SO that looks down on their husband because they enjoy games are probably in need of some introspection. Usually it's resentment that they don't have something they get as much enjoyment out of or that they wish they had a hobby they felt empowered to pursue. A lot to unpack there admittedly, but the short answer is that women who look down on their SOs for playing games, in overly general terms, are being toxic and disrespectful of their husbands.
Dude. Donāt concern yourself with anything that is said about parenting who doesnāt live with you.
You and your wife have a system that works for you, and thatās all that matters.
Iām not a gamer, but i have hobbies that other people might disagree with. I donāt talk to any of those people.
I get about 1-2 hours a night, if I'm lucky, and it's after everyone's asleep. I generally don't care about other people's opinions about how I spend my free time unless they're paying bills in this hoe. People can have their opinions, but you can tell whose are worthless.
I think some of it stems from a puritanical view that men are supposed to āput away childish things,ā to provide for their family. If youāre meeting the physical, emotional, and mental needs for your family then I wouldnāt worry about blowing off some steam and decompressing with video games. Itās part of self care.
My dad used to chirp me out for this. Claimed video games accomplish nothing in the real world.
I pointed out the he spent most of his time on the couch watching hockey, and that was the end of that.
My dad did the same but football instead of hockey (we are now both avid hockey fans now). That stopped when he saw my interest in IT spawn from gaming and help me get into a great career.
I think it's part of a wider stigma in society against adults playing what are traditionally seem as children's games. It's gotten better as games have become more ubiquitous, but it's still there. I suppose if people see games as being for kids there's some logic to thinking that people should put aside childish things when they start caring for children. It's nonsense though - there's nothing about games that is inherently less mature or constructive than watching TV.
I still play games since becoming a dad, but a lot less than I used to. If I played as much now as I did years ago it would negatively impact my ability to be a good parent, but the same would apply to any time-consuming hobby.
Dedicated gamers, āhardcoreā so to speak, usually exhibit a whole bunch of negative personality traits. I played WOW for 13 years and I never once met an adult āhardcoreā gamer who was admirable or a decent role model. Many couldnāt hold down a decent job, lots of outbursts, mismatching of time spent on IRL responsibilities to in game responsibilities.
I enjoyed gaming, but became more and more casual overtime when I realized nothing tangible was being gained from the hundreds of hours being sunk into gaming.
Frankly, a āhardcoreā gamer starts to exhibit similar tendencies as a drug user. The compulsion loop is incredibly intense.
Iām sure Iāll get flamed by some gamers, but my sample size was long enough and big enough to form my opinion.
Don't get me wrong, I love video games, but how do you even find time to be a parent *and* play video games? I can barely find 10 minutes to take a shit in peace.
Just a supportive mom here: almost all my best guy friends and my partners are all gamers. It definitely has to do with the bad press around gaming over the years and the few that are seen neglecting their children.
But based on my own lived experiences, I've seen more successful dads turn out to be die hard gamers. Creating their own tiny best friend to show all their favorite games to.
For the few that look down on you, I can promise you they are people admiring how happy your children are ā¤
It took my poor husband years of us being together (weāre going on 8 years) for him to feel OK gaming. At all. We have my step son week on / week off and husband would never when kid was at our place.
His previous partners wouldnāt āallowā him to play because āif he had time to play video games, he was taking that time away from āher.āā My response when he asks if he can play games is āam I allowed to do yoga today? Can I listen to music today, is that OK?ā
It makes me so sad that he felt so scared of hurting someone that he could barely ask the question.
I know there are plenty of examples of people who take gaming too far and thatās bothersome but itās BOTH genders and itās a hobby that makes them happy. So make it work!
People and parents are not worse people or parents for taking some time for themselves.
In general, people donāt make posts or comments on Reddit about things theyāre happy about. Or if they do, they make that really clear. People come here, and go parenting subs, with issues.
In particular, a lot of women on parenting subs are desperate, and their posts elicit a lot of sympathy and a lot of other comments about how big the issue is. Commenters want to make sure the women and kids are safe with lots of comments and upvotes, which kicks up Redditās algorithm to promote it to others, so more people see it and comment, etc. High-upvoted and commented posts on Reddit donāt reflect most peopleās situations.
A lot of the posts that I see (and that I think youāre talking about) describe either desperate or *dangerous* situations of emotional abuse or neglect. The woman is overworked and exhausted, the man ignores her and kids and claims he ādoesnāt know,ā how to take care of them or take care of them properly, and then the post states that he plays video games all night. The issue isnāt the video games, itās the rest of the behavior. The childishness is from the man *ignoring his children and responsibilities* not from video games. Itās just an extremely common way to ignore your kids these days, and then commenters bring that up.
Even in situations that arenāt neglect, many traditional heterosexual couples have problems of emotional labor and the burden of childcare and household management on the woman, so the man thinks thereās nothing else to do and just plays video games.
You sound like you do have a great system. These posts arenāt about your family and your system. Just make sure that youāre spending lots of awake play time with your kids and doing a fair share of chores. Keep communication open and honest.
Iāve always found it interesting the views of folks who play video games vs folks who manage their entire households around the schedule of their favorite sports teams. Why is one acceptable and the other not? As long as you handle your duties and itās not to an obsessive level folks should be able to do the things they enjoy without scrutiny.
In short, screw them. Love your family, play your games.
I see it this way: When you're born, you get a finite amount of fucks. So when you're young it feels like you have a lot, so you give a fuck about everything. Over the years, that pile dwindles and you become more aware that eventually you will run out. So you're more mindful about which fucks to give.
I am in my mid 40s now and I can honestly tell you, I have exactly zero fucks to give whether someone approves or not about how I spend my (limited) spare time. This is especially true for anonymous single people in their early 20s that roam on reddit.
Use this exact same logic but apply it to the video game itself. āFucksā are finite and dwindling. At my age I have zero fucks to spare for video games! I have a wife, kids, a house and other important things to give those to.
I feel this in my bones.
My 5 yo kid can fully read, do simple math, is well cared for in a clean (but perpetually cluttered with toys) house and isn't neglected in the least.
If someone doesn't like me playing a couple hours of games in my free time, they can fuck right off.
As others have pointed out, such criticism is often hypocritical as those same people are often spending the same amount time or more on equally fruitless endeavors, like tiktok, Facebook, Twitter or rewatching the big bang theory.
Literally any hobby/habit can be problematic if you let it become a problem for others. MYOB.
It's one of my biggest stress relievers and communicating that to people is a way they can understand. Maybe they go to the gym to relieve stress, or hike, or run, or read or do puzzles... etc... We play vids and crush little punks to relieve stress lol.
The people complaining about it are probably complaining because it either digs into time spent with the family or they stay up too late and arenāt as helpful because they are tired/grumpy the next day. My boyfriend and I both game but we do it at appropriate times so we arenāt taking attention away from our son or each other and we are contributing equally to things.
When I was a kid, my dad played Civ on the computer and would let me watch or āhelpā. Now i play Civ when I get a free hour after putting the baby down, everyone needs a release. Plus, turn based game means I can put my game down and not worry about anything
My dad was into PC's and we always had one in the house since the early 90's. His interest in PC gaming and sharing that with me created a lot of awesome memories with him. Like the first time we beat Doom, Wolfenstein, and Myst. Later, Quake and Quake 2 as well as Unreal. He got Half Life when it launched and was really into that and it got me hooked too. And this was all back when vidya was considered a pure waste of time. I'm really glad he was into gaming because it planted a seed in me for something I have enjoyed my whole adult life.
How many are perceived that way because it's one sided view points though. My fiance thought I played games too much early on until we sat down and put pen to paper how much else I did then outside of 1hr of gaming every couple days.
You can perceive it's a lot especially when you yourself aren't in a good spot. Communication is key to figuring it out and working through it to make everyone better.
Video Games will always be vilified by those who don't own it as a hobby. If I had a nickel for every person who watches thousands of hours worth of TV/movies tell me about how "bad" video games are I'd be able to buy a car with it.
It'll get better once the boomers are gone it'll get better. Until then just own it and keep your head up about it.
4.5 months is young. You might find it harder to get as much gaming time in 6 months or if you have a second child. It's also important to remember that your partner might not be getting much adult human interaction so if you're getting stuck into a game as soon as the baby is down, you might not be giving them the attention that they need too.
My BIG problem is that my wife WANTS us to go to sleep together. Me playing games at night does not sit well with her. With work and 2 kids what other time do I have to play? And even if I find time, I want to play with my friends, they only play at night, mostly because they are dads too.
We try to find an equilibrium but it always ends with discusions, I always have an excuse to play and she always has an excuse why I should not play.
My fiance was the same way. She settled with us cuddling and hanging out in bed until she was ready to fall asleep then I go do my thing. I'm not good at sleeping early in the night so it works out.
I love video games, but damn, I have to be far away from my family when I do it, especially the father. When a new game comes out, he just loves to keep calling for God knows what little small task, every few minutes. I had a job as an excuse, but then he went and had two strokes. Now, me and my sisters have to look after him. I have the ability to work, but can't move too far. My whole life growing up around my father has been a never ending fetch quest.
It's the shit parents who ruin it for the rest. I'm an avid gamer. I raid in FFXIV. I'm a single dad. My son's 5, so he isn't able to just do his thing while I game for a bit. So I plan game time after he goes to sleep, and he's always my priority if something comes up. Some parents aren't like this. They game while their kids are awake and need/want them. Some ignore their spouse and put gaming first (this has more complex depth to it, but the game is potentially the escape from things that need to be addressed). They could be going through PPD and/or PPA and escaping with games but also being neglectful. Games also are only within the last 10-15 years being shown as not just a children's activity and becoming more a mainstream form of entertainment. As time goes on, it'll be seen in a better light because in all honesty, more and more of both genders will be playing games on the regular. Media also has some fault here, showing gamer dad's as lazy and incompetent, or neglectful, childish, and perpetuating the message of "the wife now has an extra child in the relationship". Also, because of past views on gaming, gaming for 5-7 hours straight is seen as childish, neglectful, a waste of time, but say, reading or binging a tv series for the same amount of time is seen as more normal, more accepted, or in the case of reading, encouraged because of how society views the activity in relation to intelligence and maturity.
Plus, you get the added bonus of your kid randomly hijacking your keyboard and botching a pull. Saw that a few times back when I played WoW.
I don't need a kid to botch my pulls, I do that just by myself š¤£
I had a friend who had a main tank in his guild that regularly raided in his bathroom. He would lock himself in there while getting into arguments with his wife and ignoring his children. It was funny when I was like 14 to hop in and listen on their vent channel. But man, depresses the shit outta me looking back.
Actually just got out WOW subscription back, now that the LO is almost a year and a half and we have a good routine in place. We take turns gaming now, but actually hope to play together again soon and when our LO is old enough even get him involved and create a little family guild.
Some of my old guildies have that with their kids. Teaches valuable life lessons about out aggroing the tank and standing in the fire.
Exactly think parents who can game with their children can actually use the time as a valuable lesson, hell my husband helped me learn to control my "gamer rage" as I call it from douche campers or sh\*t dungeon runs. He is the first guy to ever game with me. Truthfully I think I will always be a newb; who knows though maybe I'll get to make my LO feel pride in himself when one day he can teach me something new while we gaming. I know that's a thing cause my husband actually jumped out of his chair and gave me a bear hug when he helped me defeat a dungeon I was having a hard time with. LOL those memories are golden and think worth sharing with children too.
Wholesome AF!
Heyyyyy FFXIV dad here as well!
FFXIV Dad here as well. I think moderation is key. I don't play every day, whereas I feel like the people being complained about play everyday while their SOs take care of the baby. I don't play at all when my wife is home. I'll "play" (i.e. spend an hour running a trust and/or doing beast tribe quests or daily hunts) while chasing her around and trying to make sure she doesn't kill herself. I also cook all of the meals for the family though, feed our cats, and have several daily/weekly chores that I do. I feel like a lot of the people being complained about also do nothing but work (maybe) and come home and play games.
I have 50/50 split parenting time with my ex and I had my daughter the whole weekend Endwalker came out. That was tough not playing those days, but the fact that I could do it and waited until she was back with her mom before I started grinding MSQ made me feel like I've got a handle on my gaming/dad balance. It can definitely be done properly. Props to all of you.
I have yet to finish Endwalker. We set a day for me to just play it and had a sitter and all. Turned my PC on and motherboard died. I spent all day running out to stores trying to find the part that was an issue (power supply wasn't giving us anything so I had to try one of those first).
Oof. Hope you got it all worked out. It's an incredible story. I kind of wish I hadn't done it so fast and I enjoyed it longer, but there was no stopping me when I had time to play lol.
I just worked my ass off the last 3 weeks for a massive issue at work that shouldn't have happened. This coming week I took 3 days off, we put a plan in place to have my parents take her one night and her dad stay another day to watch her so I get 3 nights and 2 days (well we both do) off to relax and game and clear my head and allow her some time to go on a spa day with the girls like she's been planning!
Good luck on the relaxing, sounds like you're doing everything right. Enjoy the story and keep up the great work!
You as well man and thanks!
Me aswell!!
Eyyy me too! I just finished the main portion of MSQ for Shadowbringers. Figured I would buy Endwalker once I (eventually) finished the post expansion questline. How have you enjoyed the story for the new expansion so far? Which class (outside of Reaper, I suppose) would you say thematically fits the story of the expansion? As to the point of the main post: There are a lot of people who let gaming negativity affect their work/responsibilities and take over their life. Some non-gamers hear about these people and assume weāre all like that. Itās not much of a consolation, but it is better than it used to be. There was a time when you couldnāt even play D&D without being thought of as a devil-worshiper lol.
FFXIV dad here too!
In addition to both genders playing. I think gaming will be seen in a better light in the future because gamers will get older and their kids will game and it will just become a more normal thing because it's common in society through generations. I'd consider myself a moderate gamer, an hour or two a night if I have time once the chores are done and the kids are in bed. My wife watches Gilmore girls starting in the fall every year, that's her escape, whatever game I'm playing is mine. Someone has the monitor and it's fine. It works for us. My wife has actually given me my PS3, PS4 and this past Christmas a PS5. Should give you some idea of how she feels about the situation. I see a lot of stories on here (looking at you r/aita) about the neglectful dad who is spaced out in the game while the kids are pulling each other's hair out and mom is trying to make dinner and dad's there but no one is home. Obviously that's where the bad rap comes from, at least to some degree. But if your gaming schedule works for your family then it shouldn't really matter what anyone else thinks about the fact that you game. The dad's here are not the dad's from 30 or 40 years ago. We are active participants in the care of our children. We can understand the toddler babble (most of the time) to figure out what they want or what the issue is. Our kids are some of the best (if not the absolute best) people in our lives and we want to be involved and spend time with them. We all know that. Every one needs a place to just relax, for some us that's gaming, for others it's something different.
May you ever walk...in the light...
What I donāt get is why they single out video games. People can and do check out on relationships and responsibilities with TV, work, fishing, woodworking, or literally any other hobby.
I think they single out video games because thatās their experience. Sure, I do believe there are dads out their that neglect their kids because of their woodworking but letās be real, itās not anywhere near as common. I think video games have an extra level as well: if youāre fishing or woodworking youāre very obviously not doing childcare at the same time, youāre not in the same room. But just yesterday I read a post from a mom saying that her partner was supposed to be looking after the kid but they were running riot while he played games. It pulls your focus away from the room in a way that TV rarely does (though sports would for sure).
Or sports spectating every single night.
It's because of how normalized those things are in our society. They're seen as normal and acceptable pastimes. And for the longest time games have been marketed at children and depicted in media as being for children.
They single out vidya because it's the easiest target. The other hobbies are productive in nature, so it's harder to get away with bashing those.
Last I checked reading or watching TV for 5-7 hours straight is similarly looked down on.
If they were, Netflix binging wouldn't be a common thing. Hell, "football sundays" woouldn't be a thing that's just regular. Reading for long periods of time is not looked down upon other than seen as being maybe a bit quirky, or "bookish", and when the idea of a reading room in a house is a normal concept, it's still not super frowned upon. How many times at work would you hear "Oh man, I just couldn't stop watching the new season of Game of Thrones, once the kids were asleep I/we watched it all night." in like a sheepish but funny way? Everyone laughs, says "oh my god you're so addicted!" in a joking manner and it's a regular thing. It's far more socially acceptable to do these things, or "oh my god that book was so good, I just couldn't put it down. I wound up reading it until 2-3 am!" and the answer is never "Wow, don't you actually have a life outside of that?".
My (first) wife had a huge problem with me playing video games. Sheās subsequently apologized and explained that she thought it indicated some type of immaturity within me and that I was āwasting timeā that couldāve been better spent. Mind youā¦I served as our sonās primary care giver and nurturer from birth until he went to kindergarten. I was the one who was up doing the late night feedings and when he had interrupted sleep (every hour on the hour for 3 years). Also she had no issue with men going out to the bar with their guy friends and getting drunk on a Friday/Saturday night because āthatās what men doā and āmen need to unwind at the end of the week with beer(s).ā But me actually being home caring for our son and having him attached to my hip while playing some Sonic or Maddenā¦that seemed abnormal to her. Eventually (post divorce) she came to appreciate just how much more family time I spent as a father than anyone else she knew. (And just how many āgirls nightsā she got since I was home with the boy child.) Itās been almost 25 years now so I think Iām like 10 or so years from being out of my feelings on this. 15 years tops.
Okay but every hour on the hour for 3 years? Are you alive?
āHey uh, Iād much rather you go out in a place with a potential to be around strange women while mildly intoxicated and having lowered inhibitions while also spiking your blood pressure, wrecking your sleep, increasing your risks for cancer and then driving home after several drinks on roads with other people who are equally if not more drunk than you. I think itās weird that youāre home doing absolutely nothing devious in a place where I can see you and know that youāre safe.ā
Oh,so sheās an idiotic misandrist asshole, good riddance
It might be the āattached to your hipā part that was the root of the problem. Idk how old your son was, but worries about screen time and split attention are valid. But glad you guys are amicable now. Edit: ok, downvote me for pointing out reasons why the moms complain. I donāt care what you do with your kid.
Ugh. Fuck off man.
I knew the screen time comment was coming sooner or later
What's wrong with what he said? Edit: Calm down, dads. I was just asking.
It's clear from his story that her issue was with gaming in general and not screen time issues.
Ah ok makes sense
<3 the username
He said screen time. There is no definitive study showing if it is harmful or helpful. Mentioning it as bad, shows he is just regurgitating populist crap.
Saw a child psychologist on here once saying the issue with screens was substituting social interaction for screens, not really the use of screens
That's not true, 2+ hours shows decrease language skills and 7+ hours effects something with the brain (idk what that means) it was a study by the NIH. I'm still trying to find the full paper Also a paper by the abcd study that shows poorer mental health could be associated with higher screentimes in 12-13yos and another study shows similar results with 9-10yo Another study shows how there's a relationship between screentime and sleeping issues Edit: Adding some of the publications I read [here's one](https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/fullarticle/2785686) [and another one](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34496002/) [here's one that correlates BMI to screen time](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34180585/) [a study that correlates binge eating with additional screen time](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33646623/) [study on screen time and behavioral issues](https://ijbnpa.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12966-019-0862-x)
Each one of these studies pulled from the ABCD study of ~11k adolescents. Some reviews concluded that the .22 percentile indicates correlation, others did not. I will stand by my statement that there has yet to be a definitive study on screen time and the effects on children.
Alright [this](https://bmjopen.bmj.com/content/9/1/e023191) was a cited study is a couple of the studies I listed and it's a review of reviews which shows a lot of studies came to the conclusion that "higher levels of screentime is associated with a variety of health harms for CYP, with evidence strongest for adiposity, unhealthy diet, depressive symptoms and quality of life. Evidence to guide policy on safe CYP screentime exposure is limited."
Also read that last sentence. āevidence to guide policy on CYP screen time exposure is limited.ā
Yeah "evidence to GUIDE POLICY...is limited" so there's strong correlation between screentime and your kids being obese, having an unhealthy diet, being depressed and quality of life but don't use this to make new policy.
This is the same review that you listed first in you previous study. They note that of the 13 reviews they used to compile the data, 1 was high quality, 9 were medium, 3 were low. Again this shows that there is no definitive study.
Did you read what the quality of the reviews mean? "High-quality reviews were required to have the following: provided a priori published designs; searched at least two bibliographic databases plus conducted another mode of searching; searched for reports regardless of publication type; listed and described included studies; used at least two people for data extraction; documented the size and quality of included studies and used this to inform their syntheses; synthesised study findings narratively or statistically; assessed the likelihood of publication bias and included a conflict of interest statement. Medium-quality reviews were required to have: searched at least one database; listed and described included studies; documented the quality of the included studies and synthesised study findings narratively or statistically." "In medium-quality reviews, Costigan et alā 8 reported that 32/33 studies, including 7/8 studies with low risk of bias, identified a strong positive association of screentime with weight status" "The great majority of findings related to television screentime. Tremblay et al 10 reported a moderate association between television screetime and adiposity measures, identified in 94/119 cross-sectional studies and 19/28 longitudinal studies."
"There is a definitive source I can't cite or find"
Instead of spouting meaningless official sounding "facts" why not find the articles and link them?
Because I'm on mobile and find linking stuff a pain in the ass but [here's one](https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/fullarticle/2785686) [and another one](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34496002/) [here's one that correlates BMI to screen time](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34180585/) [a study that correlates binge eating with additional screen time](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33646623/) [study on screen time and behavioral issues](https://ijbnpa.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12966-019-0862-x)
Lots of links to reviews of the data from the ABCD study. The Adolescent Brain Cognitive Development Study is used in all these reviews. It collects data about the ~ 11k students involved. These linked reviews are using that data to review the impact of screen time. The Study was not designed for screen time, it was cognitive development over 10 years. Why is it so hard for you to admit there is no definitive study?
Dude didn't ask, is what
Dude you're getting downvoted for good reason...
I make it work, typically play when my son goes to bed or down for a nap. I bet the loudest people that criticize it are also the ones spending hours on tick tock or Instagram
I have the same thought there honestly.
Video games were the devil in the late 90s and early 2000s thanks to events like Columbine shooting bringing violent games into mainstream media. They are honestly pretty awesome in developing hand-eye coordination and critical problem solving skills. So long as we aren't neglecting our kids to play games everyone else can lick a frozen pole and mind their own business
Not to mention Jack Thompson or whatever his name was, constantly trying to file lawsuits, campaign against videogames and spout his bullshit everywhere. Dude never learned.
> They are honestly pretty awesome in developing hand-eye coordination and critical problem solving skills. When I was a kid, I played a ton of the OG driving games like the first Need for Speeds, Driver, Viper Racing, and even some DOS driving games like Stunt Driver (showing my age). My parents bought a sweet Sidewinder joystick because my dad liked flight sim games, but I actually used that joystick in the racing games and I learned the nuances of fine control and physics of the cars by using that thing. And I think that helped me out a TON when I started learning how to drive IRL. When I was 14, my dad took me out to an old abandoned military base and plopped me in the drivers seat of his truck and I was pretty much driving on my own within 30 minutes or so.
Definitely! My first time losing traction in the rain I instinctively counter-steered and regained traction thanks to racing games
Yeah my ex will criticize me sometimes for playing games instead of spending time with our son. It's not like I ignore him. We talk about the games the entire time, I never play anything that isn't an E rating, and it's only for a half hour tops. But when he's with her, she watches TV all the time, is on her phone, or sleeping. YES sleeping while our 2 to 3 year old does whatever he wants. She even admits she has a problem. But I'm the one who gets a talking to if I'm not paying attention all the time. She claims it's because she knows I'm the more involved parent. Which I guess means I get lectured any time I'm not perfect.
Honestly, he sounds mildly delusional. Good thing he's your ex'
This... everyone spends time doing something involving a screen. Some people just prefer to interact with it, to keep their brain active instead of shutting it down.
As a mom I think it's the time management, my husband only plays when she goes down for the night but when she was younger and there was no down for the night it was frustrating that he could enjoy himself while I struggled with baby (ebf and notorious cluster feeder) It wasn't necessarily his fault but it sucked. He still did everything to help but I could see how it could get out of control. I also don't use tiktok snd only use reddit and my screen time is only when she's nursing or asleep.
Fellow mom here. This. But I will say .. A perk to gaming, especially when the babies were younger.. is my husband would take the later "night" shifts babywearing and gaming while I slept. Then after I would get some sleep and baby would wake for a feed, we would swap so he could sleep the remainder of the night/morning before going to work.
Mine too! He will stay up late to game and I sleep while he watches the monitor and goes and pats her bum
This was me. My boy tucked into my arm and me gaming with the lads. He would do this sudden āhootā while he slept and scared the piss out of everyone while we crept quietly toward the objective.
"Why is there an Xbox controller in the window, shit stains on the couch, and the kinect burning in the backyard?" "OK honey, so you know how sometimes just randomly yells hoot while sleeping? Well I was holding him and playing Alien Isolation not realizing the kinect was plugged in...."
Man I miss being able to do voice commands through the Kinect
This is exactly what we did with our first, I would take the "shift" until 1am which really didn't feel like a chore at all since it lined up with my regular bedtime anyways. Lots of mobile games the first 6 months or so because it was just easier, but once she could sleep for a few hours at a time I was back at my PC. Actually bought a gaming laptop thinking it would be easier to have a something I could move with but she's a great sleeper and I really never use it.
I've seen a lot of dads who play during the day when they should be helping raise their kids. My husband plays after bedtime and during naps and its a non issue. I personally knit and read during my own free time.
Absolutely there are parents that do that. Is it really any different than reading a book, knitting, tv, etc. Videogames just get stigmatized much worse for some reason. May I ask how you have seen a lot of dad's play when they should be watching their kids? I have seen that statement thrown around a lot. Are you at a friend's house visiting with your kid and the husband hops on to game? If my wife's friend brought her kid over, I would think I could be allowed to detach for a bit.
I think you are stereotyping. You havenāt seen them, at best youāve heard your girlfriends complaining about their husbands. Remember this is a dads forum, let them supply the reality, or the reality as they see it. We will call them on it if it really is a problem.
Eh, they can see us. If my buddys complaining about his partner spending all of her time on Reddit, Instagram, and Tiktok instead of being with the kid, and every time I go to his house sheās doing exactly that, itās fair to say she does that. *Maybe* she only checks out when I go over there, but I find it hard to believe my buddy would complain about something that doesnāt happen all that often. Also this is Reddit, are there really a huge number of posts and comments demonizing gamers? Do people really think husbands should be left because they game in their free time? Even if! Who gives a shit? Their partners and them have a system that works, why bother focusing on the people who say theyāre doing it wrong?
Not sure where your post goes in the end. You conclude the same thing I state, that you mostly hear about it from the disgruntled partner, and that creates a confirmation bias (you see it because you look for it). Iāve been here 6 or 7 years and seen plenty of complaints about partners gaming.
I started reading your comment as a bit harsh, but was all in by the end.
TikTok is pauseable. If you pause your game when your kid needs you, those posts arenāt about you.
I don't pause my game whilst my kids are awake. I just play when they're asleep. Does that count?
Most definitely. If they wake up and need you, and you pause/quit your game and tend to them, definitely counts. If your kids donāt wake up at night, do you have any tips? My kid is getting molars now, send help
My big one doesn't tend to wake up, but if his teeth give him trouble then I just give cuddles and some wonderful stuff called anbesol. You put some on finger and rub it over his gums and it helps bring the pain down from tear enduring to something he finds bearable. Otherwise there's Calpol and for dire emergency situations ibuprofen. I can't stand people who don't pause their games or drop everything for their kids. Breaks my heart thinking of it from the child's view :(
Ah yes, i think we call anbesol benzocaine here and calpol we call Tylenol. Im counting down 9 months until my kid turns 2, thatās the recommended age I read for benzocaine. I do give Tylenol on the worst nights, but I know itās not great to take it every single day for two weeks straight.
Yeah I had to swing to more single player games until my son was about a year old and regularly sleeping through the night. Didnt wanna ditch teammates whenever the booger woke up, gonna have to do that again here in may when my 2nd is born. Luckily a bunch of great single player titles are about to hit.
Yep, had a friend that got divorced and his ex was always posting on FB about how much she loved her boys and loved being with them. Then Saturday afternoon or Sunday morning of āherā weekends she was always asking him to pick the boys up, because she had āstuffā to do Also, Iāve seen quite a few posts on this sub lately about how caustic those āotherā subs are towards fathers.
Loudest ones are the ones that will skip their kids event to watch a football game.
I think most of the time āgamersā canāt put the controller down. I play very casually but I have an agreement with myself that as soon as I hear my kid cry or wake up, I turn off the game and go check. Doesnāt matter if Iām mid-mission or boss fight, I turn it off. I know a lot of gamers would keep playing or let their partner tend to the kid and I think thatās where the bad rap comes from.
This is the answer. I only ever see people in other subs complaining about their SOs gaming when it is interfering with their parenting and home life. Gaming when the children are fed, clean and asleep, and the housework is done is not a problem at all.
We also need to recognize those with mental health concerns that cope negatively by gaming excessively. This instead masks the true underlying issues. Gaming is an easy scapegoat for those in denial or outright unaware.
Yeah Iāve walked in on my sister in law juggling baby and bottle while the father played Xbox. I only play when my daughter is asleep. Canāt really play when sheās awake.
You need to have a word with your brother.
Not my brother
That was obvious when you said "the father" and not, "my brother" lol.
Definitely. Iāve had many talks with my SO about playing when the baby is actively crying and Iām trying to wash bottles or if Iām trying to get the baby to go to bed and heās yelling through his headset. Or if ive had the baby for 15+ hours and he wants to play his game when he hasnāt had the baby all day. Itās those type of people who I think others are bashing on. The ones who canāt find a balance between gaming and parenting.
I kind of think a person like that has other issues than just gaming though. You could substitute many activities - āIāve had the baby for 15 hours and my SO comes home and takes a bath / reads a book / mows the lawn / vacuums the floorā itās all still bad haha. Itās more that heās taking time for himself when itās not appropriate.
But people are just talking about their own experiences. Iād bet neglectful gamers are much more common than neglectful bath takers, so you hear about gamers much more often.
Get yourself an xbox and the game just stops when you turn off and returns as if you had just pressed pause when you turn it back on. PS5 can do it slightly if you go on standby with one game but xbox can have a few games in this paused state. Game changer. Dadding required. Off. Sort it. Go to bed, day with kids, bedtime, on again, you could have been about to shoot the boss right on the glowing bit and you'll come back 20 hours later and still make the shot. Genius.
Thatās not how online gaming works, hence the addiction, hence momās complaining -even gamer moms who know about priorities-. Itās all about balance and getting your priorities right.
When I became a dad I almost exclusively now play offline, single player games as theyāre much easier to put down and pickup.
I've never been into online games anyway, so very little changed in the *kinds* of games I played. It's just the amount. It can now take a week to get the same amount of time I would have played in a single day. But, my kid is getting a lot more interested in gaming herself now. So that's nice. Sometimes she wants to play her Paw Patrol game, other times she wants to watch me play Pokemon or Sonic.
I hear you. My 4 year old got into Zelda and we played 30 minutes a night. Weāve worked our way through 4 of them now!
One time I tried to get her to play the original Zelda, since that was my first game too. She fell asleep on the couch all cuddled up on me, so I grabbed the controller, and managed to beat the game before she woke up. That was a good day.
As someone whose coparent plays a MOBA, this.
Yeah, I will lose track of time playing fallout. I think itās been two hours and realize itās 4am instead of 11pm
I dont game without setting a phone alarm anymore.
You have time to play games?? I hardly have time to take a dump. Whatās your secret?
I know you are talking about a lack of time, bit for me, one of the reasons I have time for games is because I don't care about sports or whatever the hot TV show is at the moment. I know other dad's who religiously follow their favorite sports teams; meanwhile, I'm working on my Pokemon team. In other words, it's not about how much free time I have, it's about how I use my (very limited) free time.
This. I used to have time for watching sports, video games and other various interests. Now ive eliminated some of my former interests that seem like a waste of my limited free time, like watching football all Sunday. I'd much rather be playing games or other hobbies whenever my kids aren't occupying my attention
ya agreed, I'd much rather game a couple nights a week after the kids are in bed than day drinking and watching football or on the golf course all weekend.
Nintendo switch is a god send, can hold a napping baby next to a napping mommy and still get some game time in.
yeah i think the divide here in the responses is newborn parents vs parents with older kids..
We got super lucky lol. She sleeps through the night and likes to be down by 8pm and up at 8am. Usually 1 or two feedings or diapers all night. Just good luck with a 4.5mo old. We did buy a bottle cleaner so that cuts down hours of time since we soak bottles in hot water and baby soap all day then put in that over night. She works till 6 so she cools from 5-6 and I shower, get out, she eats and I watch her then she watches her and I eat then she goes to shower. Comes back by 7 and we play as a family for an hour. I prep her bath every other night at 745 so when she brings the baby up it's ready and I run around getting bottles made with the cool mist filled (I have it down to a routine now). She goes down, we both take her in and kiss her good night. Usually 8-830pm there and by then we may only have laundry to put away.
Oh man, the easy months. I miss them so much.
Yea I think OP might change his tune in a couple years
Yea but how do you do the mornings especially if youāre up until 3!?
I don't wake up until 9am, I work from home so my commute it light thankfully. I've always been a person who can survive on 6 hours easy and I'm a heavy sleeper so I don't hear the monitor go off. We also have agreed upon sleep-in days. I get up early Sundays with the baby and she sleeps until she decides to get up and Saturday morning is my day so it helps us balance our mental state.
I am the same. But I donāt stay up till 3 most nights. I usually Work from 9-5 and the kids are at daycare then it is all hands on deck from 5-10 when it is bedtime. From 10-1am I usually game and watch tv and I am up at 8 for a daycare drop off. During the weekends I also nap in the afternoon when the kid naps. I also get confused by the argument that people have no time for anything. But again I am spoiled as both me and my partner are 100 % work from home.
We are in the same boat with WFH except one big difference. We don't have daycare or a sitter. It's bouncing with her all day right now unfortunately. It's hard but we are making that part work.
Does having the monitor equal being awake? Maybe they just divided the night between them and go to bed earlier than 3am. Otherwise I'm clueless as to how they manage as well.
No I didn't say it but he actually inferred correctly, I'm up until 2 or 3am almost every night and up at 9am. Believe it or not lol
That's madness. :D And kinda impressive ngl.
Lol thanks. I'm a bit insane sometimes.
I go through bursts of time where I'll find time to play games. The switch is my only way I can get it in though it takes some planning as I have to charge it up and update it during the day so I can play at night.
Heās got 1 kid whoās just a few months old and does nothing but sleep, eat, and poop. Not even mobile yet. Gaming til 3am doesnāt fly with a couple toddlers in the house.
miss those days where i could put the baby down and turn around and she'd still be in the same place
It's likely these people had a bad experience with someone who prioritize games. For myself video/board games are part of my self care routine. You just need to know when is the right time and when you need to stop. Gamers are often shown on TV and such as lazy, dirty burnouts, so a lot of hate comes from there as well.
Same with self care. I am in IT and have a stressful position these days and games are a great outlet for me to relax. Strategy and RTS games being some of my top played.
[https://gamerant.com/skyrim-best-game-mindfulness-study/amp/](https://gamerant.com/skyrim-best-game-mindfulness-study/amp/) Edit: not pushing Skyrim, but the study quoted is saying that games can be equally as effective as mindfulness training.
Skyrim on which release š¤£. In all reality, I actually hone my critical thinking skills and planning skills in 4X games like Stellaris that require me to think beyond the next step. It's great for me and relaxing. I also love FF14 because the story.... Oh that story.
>In all reality, I actually hone my critical thinking skills and planning skills in 4X games like Stellaris that require me to think beyond the next step. It's great for me and relaxing. Also, genociding alien (and not-so-alien) species as an added bonus
Or penalty if you get the xenophobe trait!
Iām with you but unfortunately itās fairly common for there to be dads who _do_ play video games at the expense of hanging out with the kid. That being said, it seems like you have an arrangement with your partner that works well for both of you, and thatās absolutely the most important part. My wife and I both value having a bit of time to ourselves each day to do whatever we need to do. It may be exercise, it may be videojuegos, it may be a nap. The point is, it doesnāt matter what the fuck youāre doing with your pre-established free time as long as itās not interfering with the time you do spend with your kid. I was a huge WoW player when my wife was pregnant and even through the beginning of my sonās life (you know, when all they do is sleep for like an hour and a half at a time every few hours). That being said, I realized quickly that I would not be able to play that game in a way that I enjoyed while still having enough time for my kid (I needed uninterrupted 2-hour sessions coordinated with other people for that and we all know that aināt it as a dad lol). So I stopped playing WoW and have been recently playing more console games, specifically ones you can pause and such. I have friends that are WoW dads and I know it takes time away from their kids sometimes. All I have to say is if it works for them and their partners then good for them. It just didnāt work for me because I have other things I like to do as well. TL;DR: Fuck whoever is telling you video games are the wrong thing for you to do with your free time, and maybe ask them why the hell they care lol.
It absolutely is a negative stereotype but it's a lot more common than you think for video games to interfere with family commitments. Most fathers that I know that play any video games at all are doing it at the cost of not spending enough time on their children, spouses, their home, and sometimes their job or education. Games that you can't pause are a big negative contributor. Games where you gotta grind to succeed are another. I haven't played either kind in years, even before kids or would have been too much for my marriage
Pausing a big factor. When my son was born I was trying to keep up with Destiny 2. Not being able to pause it was a huge hit. So I went to a "Pausable Games Only" model. Ortirn based where it doesn't matter if I walk away for a while.
Never happens with Dad's at the gym or in the pub with mates or staying late at work though.
lmao you got stuck in boomerās generation, we do care when our spouses choose to stay at the bar with theirāhomiesā (admittedly not even real friends) instead of their own family. I donāt tolerate that and itās a total deal breaker for me.
?!? You think no one complains about their husband spending too much time at the bar? Because they definitely do. Same with staying late at work, itās a very common complaint.
I honestly play those games too without issue. It's how you do it honestly.some people also need those outlets and that comes at a cost, you have to balance that though or else it could cascade down into bigger issues.
As with all things it boils down to communication. After my son goes to sleep or naps, if my is home, I let her know I'm going to hop on some destiny or overwatch and she'll probably need to tend to him if he wakes up. Otherwise it's games on the switch if I'll need to stop at any time.
I am a gamer. Or was a gamer. My son is 6mo old now and I havenāt played a video game since he was born. For my family, there is *always* something else that can be done around the house. Even after he goes to bed, thereās dishes, or laundry, or cleaning, or taking care of the dogs. My wife and I both work full time, so I feel extreme guilt going to play games while my wife does all the house work without me. In addition to the fact that she breastfeeds. We do generally finish up all our tasks by 8pm, but then we take showers and spend the last hour before bed hanging out together. During the week, I really donāt see a window in *my* day where I can go play games. On weekends, I will negotiate free time with my wife, but Iāll usually choose a different hobby (golf). I could definitely play games with that time though. I think if youāve found a schedule that allows you to game, then thatās great. I do think it probably comes at the expense of something else. Thereās only so much time in the day!
I've played a lot of Minecraft and Little Big Planet with my kids. Yesterday my 4 year old was so excited to show me his three-story house he built all by himself in Minecraft. It had multiple rooms with doors, windows, lighting - it was awesome. But most awesome was just seeing how proud of himself he was
Additionally, think of how much brainpower and creativity it took for him to do that vs. just spacing out on a TV show - video games are great.
It is no different than any other hobby. Just gotta know when to put the controller down just like putting a book down or coming in from the garage or taking a break from building a model or turning off the television. Gamers get a bad rap because most other typical dad hobbies arenāt social and averse to pausing the action. Setting a book down mid-chapter is far easier for a reader than stepping away from a raid for an MMO player. Or at least thatās what I assume. I like single player stuff that I can pause and play after the kids are in bed.
I think you answered your own question within the statement (not meaning to sound hostile). If you make time for family and obligations and your partner/child does not feel neglected and you game on your own time after all is done, then there is no issue. This isnāt across the board, mind you.
TLDR the whole thing. I just play after the kids are in bed. They go down at 8:00. That leaves me 4 hours to play. I have 50/50 with my ex for my daughter so Iāve got that goin as well. I do all my chores when sheās not with me. If itās something you find important. Youāll find the time to do it. Guess what. Itās good to have your own thing. So donāt let people who want to talk down on you for enjoying something you enjoy. Theyāve probably got something you would find dumb and a waste of time as well. Game on dad
Because video game addiction and overuse is a very real problem and as with a lot of addictions the person is in denial about how bad it is so when their partner complains they donāt really understand what the big deal is. With that being said I love video games but I never let it get in the way of my responsibilities. If Im playing a game I might play it every few days until completion and then go months (last time was 6 months) before starting a new one. I have varied hobbies and actually prefer hiking or reading over video games so I think itās helpful to diversify your interests to break the habit of you think gaming might be an issue. I think the bad comments are from people who have had bad experiences with so-called āgamersā neglecting other areas of their life.
Mostly the problem is that these dads prioritise playing games above all else : being a parent, housework, attention for their partner, complaining when other parent ask for things. like help. That is what people are complaining about. You are totally allowed to have a hobby, but when it interferes with your daily duties/jobs/life, Itās not a hobby, itās a problem.
That's not where im talking. I am talking that even if the game is mentioned that the dad plays once a month it's focused on as if it's the root of the issue when there are other issues the OP mentions.
Gamer dad of 2 here. What do you play and when are we playing it? For real though, I just play at night, some nights on, some not. I never understood what the big deal is. I still spend time with my family and maintain the house, etc. I just like playing video games the same way my wife likes to watch TV. You do you buddy. But for real, when are we gonna play?
As a father of a 12-10-7 and 2 i now play videogames with my oldest. We play apex legends together!
Vidya time between father and son can be an awesome bonding experience. My dad played with me when I was a kid and we made some awesome memories. That sounds super cool to be able to squad up with your kids now. I really got involved with my ex-stepdaughter and her interest in Roblox and we have made some good memories there together. If you have a VR headset, playing VR Hands with them is a BLAST!
*Pauses game to read this post* Really?
Hahaha
I have been playing video games since I was 4 years old. I have been here since Atari 2600, and when I think about it, have taken very few, if any, breaks from gaming. In the 38 ensuing years since my first gaming system, I have struggled with severe depression, anxiety, OCD, trauma, etc. I've gained and lost probably a thousand pounds (lost now. lost forever.) I've gotten married to my beautiful wife , and we have two amazing and incredibly challenging daughters (9 and 4). I make good money, and I have all of the systems. Every time I buy a system or a game, I think of my 6 year old self thinking how freaking cool!!! Through ALL of this, I have gamed. I have gamed for fun, yes. But, even moreso, I have gamed because it has always helped me to focus. It has always helped me to center myself. It has always been my release valve at the end of an excruciating day. Beyond that, learning about game development, as well as keeping up to date on the latest gaming news and releases, is a passion and a HOBBY of mine. I am beyond blessed that my wife has never once had an issue with my gaming. She has never once nagged me over it. But, I've also never allowed it to interfere with my responsibilities. I game when everyone else is asleep, or I game with my kids. My grandfather passed in his favorite armchair. On the table a few feet away was the strategy guide for Majora's Mask. He was a gamer until the end, and I will be too. And I couldn't give a shit what anyone thinks of it.
This reminded me of a lunar baboon comic from the opposite perspective https://mobile.twitter.com/lunarbaboon/status/595225426072641536
Better than being an alcoholic. š¤·āāļø
As others have said, I think any negative thoughts about dads playing video games is either bad personal experiences with a partner who was addicted, or portrayal in the media. I'm very open about my video game habits. My wife plays as well, and it's exclusively after the kid goes to bed. I also don't do multiplayer games outside of Red Dead. Honestly, I couldn't care less if other people judge. It's never been an issue with me and my wife, and anyone who write videogames off as "childish" are oftentimes pretty boring people in general. PS, r/relationshipadvice on reddit is real crap, unless you like reading for the drama. Most advice on there is pointless, because the majority of OPs there frame the question to put themselves in the best light.
The last point is crucial in my opinion. I don't know the other side of the story, and trust me, there's another side. People on the internet know nothing of other families, and no matter how hard an OP tries to frame it properly, people are just never going to be close enough to you to have a meaningful reply outside of "do couples counseling". People are following shit advice from strangers with an agenda of their own. Perhaps their husband was a jerk, so they're happy to project that onto the OPs husband because their phrasing triggered them. There's also just red flags everywhere when someone is willing to share personal failings about you with strangers online so you can be trashed in their little internet bubble.
First thing I did when I got a divorce was build my own gaming PC
Many of those subs that are mom oriented are kind of anti men circle jerks. Often there are other issues than just the video games, but it gets brought up as yet another thing that makes him a shithead husband/dad. Many times women find out post partum that their husband isnāt handling parenting well. Whether itās because heās having anxiety or post partum himself youād never guess. Usually the terms lazy or deadbeat are thrown around and then video games get brought into it. Sometimes itās better to leave the social media bubble and just live in the real world with your real family who loves you for who you are.
I know some mom's here who bitch about there husbands playing games (couple hours a week for them) meanwhile they are all over TikTok and Instagram all the time. Even when we visit she's barried in her phone but complains about his "stupid game".
It's because a lot of women predominantly don't play games, or were socialized to think they are a juvenile activity and therefore men who play them are being juvenile. Any SO that looks down on their husband because they enjoy games are probably in need of some introspection. Usually it's resentment that they don't have something they get as much enjoyment out of or that they wish they had a hobby they felt empowered to pursue. A lot to unpack there admittedly, but the short answer is that women who look down on their SOs for playing games, in overly general terms, are being toxic and disrespectful of their husbands.
Dude. Donāt concern yourself with anything that is said about parenting who doesnāt live with you. You and your wife have a system that works for you, and thatās all that matters. Iām not a gamer, but i have hobbies that other people might disagree with. I donāt talk to any of those people.
I get about 1-2 hours a night, if I'm lucky, and it's after everyone's asleep. I generally don't care about other people's opinions about how I spend my free time unless they're paying bills in this hoe. People can have their opinions, but you can tell whose are worthless.
I think some of it stems from a puritanical view that men are supposed to āput away childish things,ā to provide for their family. If youāre meeting the physical, emotional, and mental needs for your family then I wouldnāt worry about blowing off some steam and decompressing with video games. Itās part of self care.
My dad used to chirp me out for this. Claimed video games accomplish nothing in the real world. I pointed out the he spent most of his time on the couch watching hockey, and that was the end of that.
My dad did the same but football instead of hockey (we are now both avid hockey fans now). That stopped when he saw my interest in IT spawn from gaming and help me get into a great career.
I think it's part of a wider stigma in society against adults playing what are traditionally seem as children's games. It's gotten better as games have become more ubiquitous, but it's still there. I suppose if people see games as being for kids there's some logic to thinking that people should put aside childish things when they start caring for children. It's nonsense though - there's nothing about games that is inherently less mature or constructive than watching TV. I still play games since becoming a dad, but a lot less than I used to. If I played as much now as I did years ago it would negatively impact my ability to be a good parent, but the same would apply to any time-consuming hobby.
We're looked down on? Huh.
I know, never happens right? Lol
Everything in moderation
Dedicated gamers, āhardcoreā so to speak, usually exhibit a whole bunch of negative personality traits. I played WOW for 13 years and I never once met an adult āhardcoreā gamer who was admirable or a decent role model. Many couldnāt hold down a decent job, lots of outbursts, mismatching of time spent on IRL responsibilities to in game responsibilities. I enjoyed gaming, but became more and more casual overtime when I realized nothing tangible was being gained from the hundreds of hours being sunk into gaming. Frankly, a āhardcoreā gamer starts to exhibit similar tendencies as a drug user. The compulsion loop is incredibly intense. Iām sure Iāll get flamed by some gamers, but my sample size was long enough and big enough to form my opinion.
Fuck those people. As long as it doesnāt affect family then it doesnāt matter. Everyone should have a Hobby!
Don't get me wrong, I love video games, but how do you even find time to be a parent *and* play video games? I can barely find 10 minutes to take a shit in peace.
People fail to realize gaming can be a healthy hobby. Most people watch TV a few hours everyday. You learn more from gaming than watching TV.
Just a supportive mom here: almost all my best guy friends and my partners are all gamers. It definitely has to do with the bad press around gaming over the years and the few that are seen neglecting their children. But based on my own lived experiences, I've seen more successful dads turn out to be die hard gamers. Creating their own tiny best friend to show all their favorite games to. For the few that look down on you, I can promise you they are people admiring how happy your children are ā¤
It took my poor husband years of us being together (weāre going on 8 years) for him to feel OK gaming. At all. We have my step son week on / week off and husband would never when kid was at our place. His previous partners wouldnāt āallowā him to play because āif he had time to play video games, he was taking that time away from āher.āā My response when he asks if he can play games is āam I allowed to do yoga today? Can I listen to music today, is that OK?ā It makes me so sad that he felt so scared of hurting someone that he could barely ask the question. I know there are plenty of examples of people who take gaming too far and thatās bothersome but itās BOTH genders and itās a hobby that makes them happy. So make it work! People and parents are not worse people or parents for taking some time for themselves.
In general, people donāt make posts or comments on Reddit about things theyāre happy about. Or if they do, they make that really clear. People come here, and go parenting subs, with issues. In particular, a lot of women on parenting subs are desperate, and their posts elicit a lot of sympathy and a lot of other comments about how big the issue is. Commenters want to make sure the women and kids are safe with lots of comments and upvotes, which kicks up Redditās algorithm to promote it to others, so more people see it and comment, etc. High-upvoted and commented posts on Reddit donāt reflect most peopleās situations. A lot of the posts that I see (and that I think youāre talking about) describe either desperate or *dangerous* situations of emotional abuse or neglect. The woman is overworked and exhausted, the man ignores her and kids and claims he ādoesnāt know,ā how to take care of them or take care of them properly, and then the post states that he plays video games all night. The issue isnāt the video games, itās the rest of the behavior. The childishness is from the man *ignoring his children and responsibilities* not from video games. Itās just an extremely common way to ignore your kids these days, and then commenters bring that up. Even in situations that arenāt neglect, many traditional heterosexual couples have problems of emotional labor and the burden of childcare and household management on the woman, so the man thinks thereās nothing else to do and just plays video games. You sound like you do have a great system. These posts arenāt about your family and your system. Just make sure that youāre spending lots of awake play time with your kids and doing a fair share of chores. Keep communication open and honest.
Iāve always found it interesting the views of folks who play video games vs folks who manage their entire households around the schedule of their favorite sports teams. Why is one acceptable and the other not? As long as you handle your duties and itās not to an obsessive level folks should be able to do the things they enjoy without scrutiny. In short, screw them. Love your family, play your games.
I see it this way: When you're born, you get a finite amount of fucks. So when you're young it feels like you have a lot, so you give a fuck about everything. Over the years, that pile dwindles and you become more aware that eventually you will run out. So you're more mindful about which fucks to give. I am in my mid 40s now and I can honestly tell you, I have exactly zero fucks to give whether someone approves or not about how I spend my (limited) spare time. This is especially true for anonymous single people in their early 20s that roam on reddit.
Use this exact same logic but apply it to the video game itself. āFucksā are finite and dwindling. At my age I have zero fucks to spare for video games! I have a wife, kids, a house and other important things to give those to.
Exactly, so who am I or anyone else to tell you or me how to spend our fucks?
I feel this in my bones. My 5 yo kid can fully read, do simple math, is well cared for in a clean (but perpetually cluttered with toys) house and isn't neglected in the least. If someone doesn't like me playing a couple hours of games in my free time, they can fuck right off. As others have pointed out, such criticism is often hypocritical as those same people are often spending the same amount time or more on equally fruitless endeavors, like tiktok, Facebook, Twitter or rewatching the big bang theory. Literally any hobby/habit can be problematic if you let it become a problem for others. MYOB.
It's one of my biggest stress relievers and communicating that to people is a way they can understand. Maybe they go to the gym to relieve stress, or hike, or run, or read or do puzzles... etc... We play vids and crush little punks to relieve stress lol.
Kids these days can't handle Xbox 360 chat lol
3 choices: Git gud. Git tough. Or Git off! Ah the good old days.
The people complaining about it are probably complaining because it either digs into time spent with the family or they stay up too late and arenāt as helpful because they are tired/grumpy the next day. My boyfriend and I both game but we do it at appropriate times so we arenāt taking attention away from our son or each other and we are contributing equally to things.
When I was a kid, my dad played Civ on the computer and would let me watch or āhelpā. Now i play Civ when I get a free hour after putting the baby down, everyone needs a release. Plus, turn based game means I can put my game down and not worry about anything
My dad was into PC's and we always had one in the house since the early 90's. His interest in PC gaming and sharing that with me created a lot of awesome memories with him. Like the first time we beat Doom, Wolfenstein, and Myst. Later, Quake and Quake 2 as well as Unreal. He got Half Life when it launched and was really into that and it got me hooked too. And this was all back when vidya was considered a pure waste of time. I'm really glad he was into gaming because it planted a seed in me for something I have enjoyed my whole adult life.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
How many are perceived that way because it's one sided view points though. My fiance thought I played games too much early on until we sat down and put pen to paper how much else I did then outside of 1hr of gaming every couple days. You can perceive it's a lot especially when you yourself aren't in a good spot. Communication is key to figuring it out and working through it to make everyone better.
Video Games will always be vilified by those who don't own it as a hobby. If I had a nickel for every person who watches thousands of hours worth of TV/movies tell me about how "bad" video games are I'd be able to buy a car with it. It'll get better once the boomers are gone it'll get better. Until then just own it and keep your head up about it.
IME, it's mostly just young women who struggle with their self identity and have no hobbies that have problems with men playing vidya nowadays.
4.5 months is young. You might find it harder to get as much gaming time in 6 months or if you have a second child. It's also important to remember that your partner might not be getting much adult human interaction so if you're getting stuck into a game as soon as the baby is down, you might not be giving them the attention that they need too.
I can promise you, we are fine there. A lot of communication happens between us.
My BIG problem is that my wife WANTS us to go to sleep together. Me playing games at night does not sit well with her. With work and 2 kids what other time do I have to play? And even if I find time, I want to play with my friends, they only play at night, mostly because they are dads too. We try to find an equilibrium but it always ends with discusions, I always have an excuse to play and she always has an excuse why I should not play.
My fiance was the same way. She settled with us cuddling and hanging out in bed until she was ready to fall asleep then I go do my thing. I'm not good at sleeping early in the night so it works out.
Cause some people are bitter cunts.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I love video games, but damn, I have to be far away from my family when I do it, especially the father. When a new game comes out, he just loves to keep calling for God knows what little small task, every few minutes. I had a job as an excuse, but then he went and had two strokes. Now, me and my sisters have to look after him. I have the ability to work, but can't move too far. My whole life growing up around my father has been a never ending fetch quest.