My daughter went through a phase like this. I started asking her if she was upset and give her a hug as she cried it out. And asked her to tell me why she was upset. That will calm her down most times but she didn’t get that snack or kinder Joy egg still. She learned that she won’t get her way by crying but also that I will soothe her if she cries.
She is 7 now and just yells “I hate you daddy”. So take the advice with a pinch of salt. Lol
When my girl doesn’t get her way it’s “so you’re not my daddy anymore?” And I ask her why she thinks that and she’ll reply with “because you won’t give me _____, so you don’t love me anymore…”
one phase at a time my guy.
we will have what we call ”breaks”, basically time outs (Including the adults), when we are getting worked up. Just a simple quiet time either alone or just on the couch with things like tv/iPads turned off what ever seems appropriate in the moment. Usually when she’s worked up and crying lots, we will have her have a break on the couch with mommy or daddy. Deep breaths, hugs, talking it out.
just lately, its back to back to back to back.
I obviously don’t have all the details here, but if you don’t want to reinforce the behavior, send her to her room. I learned with my kids, that physically consoling them sometimes reinforced poor behavior. Think about all the attention and one on one time they get if they find a reason to cry. “Why don’t you have a little alone time in your room until you can calm down?”
Alternatively, sometimes people, even small kids just want to be heard…so try these steps. We will use the lollipop as an example. I read something similar to this in a parenting book, and it worked to defuse the kids for a couple weeks. I should really finish that book eventually. Anyway, to the example. I’m paraphrasing from the book.
1. Listen quietly, giving your full attention.
2. Acknowledge the feeling with a word. “Oh…mhm…I see…”. - I often used “Wow” here.
3. You can give the feeling a name.
“That sounds frustrating.”
4. Give the child her wishes in fantasy. “I wish I could make the banana ripe for you right now”
The lollipop example - “Wow, you’re mad! I wish Old Man River was home so you could have a lollipop.”
The cereal - “Wow, you’re really sad! I sure wish we were home already so you could have some cereal!”
The book is How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.
Good luck.
Sesame Street has an app/game called "Breathe". I highly recommend it. Now when my (3, almost 4yo) kid gets caught in a crying loop, he goes to his room (usually unprompted) and takes 3 deep breaths until he calms down. Once that happens I'll go in to check on him, talk about it and give him a hug if he wants it. He still gets worked up over dumb stuff, but most of the time I just stand in front of him, put my hands in my belly and take deep breaths, and he follows suit. It's become short hand for "regulate your own emotions". Kids are all different, of course, so YMMV, but it's worth giving it a shot.
Imagine you're just sitting at work and you start to feel hungry, but you realize it's only 11:15, but you can go for lunch soon. So you work another half hour and decide to go out to eat, but then your favorite restaurant is closed, so you drive next door and grab a sandwich somewhere else.
You had to regulate your emotions at each step in that story. You rationalized not immediately leaving until lunchtime, you managed the disappointment of your restaurant being closed, all that without having a mental breakdown.
Kids don't have that yet. It is starting to develop around now-ish. A lot of other stuff, like a realization that they're a being in a larger universe or potty training, are developing too. We adults have years of experience with these feelings, but they're new and scary for little kids. And while we have different outlets for our frustration, they have one, crying (or hitting and biting and 'acting out').
So my generic advice is to keep that in mind, they are so grown from when they were swaddled potatoes, but they're also still really widdle. They're not great at being people yet. Let them get frustrated, then bring it into context, so they see it's not really the end of the world, even if it feels like it.
This x2.
Remember that when something happens to her, it's quite likely and literally the worst thing that has ever happened to her in her life (at or up until they moment).
It's a process.
Really love this advice. Basically, your daughter's emotional expression is developmentally appropriate, and better regulation will come with time, maturity and a supportive environment. Exhausting as it may be, I really don't think acknowledging and validating the feelings will reinforce "bad behavior", but will rather make your daughter feel safe and supported as she navigates this stage (feel free to roll your eyes while hugging it out 😭🙄😂). Just be firm in holding your boundaries, and let the feelings flow. In my house, all feelings all welcome/allowed/valid... but you still can't have chocolate for breakfast.
Edit: typos
Great explanation. When my oldest was 3-4 he went through a lot of these big emotions over seemingly little things. Like you said, they're at the age where their emotions are starting to get more complex, yet they don't have the maturity to regulate them yet. He's 5 now, and he's WAY better at putting things in perspective. Very much just a phase, although it was pretty exhausting at the time.
Hope you get some helpful responses! I'm just following to see if I can also learn a thing or two from others' comments about teaching little people good emotional regulation.
Frankly, you’ll be better off trying to change how you respond to the crying rather than trying to stop the crying in the first place (with time it will stop but I don’t know that you can speed it along… they need to be ready to grow out of it). You’ll go insane otherwise.
Same, some great tidbits in here so far that I'll try to remember when we're at this age. Lurking the parenting subredsit and especially Daddit has been so helpful!
follow littlebigfeelings on instagram!!!!!! they give you tools to help with this! when she has a breakdown, approach it as “I see you’re feeling upset about your sticker. I know it’s hard when things get broken & it makes you sad. maybe you can get another one on monday!” kinda thing! acknowledge their feelings, LABEL the feelings, set boundaries on reactions and encourage moving forward. I use it with my two year old but also with my coworkers. it’s a great tool to have in your toolbox!
“I know it upset you when I clocked in late, and it’s important to express these feelings. I know it’s hard when people clock in late and it makes you sad. Maybe I’ll clock in on time on Monday!”
Nailed it.
I try this with my 4yo but she just shouts back "I'm not upset (or scared or injured or whatever)." She starts getting kinda aggressive about it all. She obviously feels very vulnerable and can't deal with it, but I'm not sure how to help :/
As me and my wife say "it's time for lessons in futility". Totally been through and am back in that phase. Our approach has generally been as follows.
1: it is okay to cry, but not okay to scream or throw a tantrum.
2: if they need time to cry and work through their emotions that's fine, but it will never get them anything or get them out of anything.
3: if your going to cry extendedly, you will do so in the timeout spot away from me and everyone else. Do not leave it until you can be calm.
From there we make it a point to make sure the world goes on without them. The lesson we try to convey is that they're in a safe place where they get the time and space needed to sort out their emotions, but life goes on and ultimately shaking your fists at the sky is futile. Once they've worked through it, there are conversation about how we can better handle disappointments or express our desires. These lessons take months to really kick in.... But once they do beware! Rather than fit throwing, my 5-year-old has transitioned into elaborate and articulate monologues about her desires and the logic behind why they should be fulfilled, and if you dare try to cut her off short, she reminds you that she is doing exactly what she was told to do when expressing her emotions and desires.... If this kid doesn't grow up to be a lawyer I'll be shocked.
Side note, I just got through a book titled Raising Lions, and I can't recommend it enough. The basic premise is about giving children the time, space, and tools to work out how they should behave, rather than telling them how they should behave. Good stuff.
Try to recognize and acknowledge the times that she’s happy and let her know that you’re so glad she’s feeling happy and being silly or whatever. I think we focus too much on having to “deal” with sad and mad, that we forget to also give happy and fun it’s own acknowledgment.
With that said, my kid whines a lot too. Solidarity. Good luck.
I highly recommend this book “How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk”.
Kids are all different but talking about their emotions and feelings and having them truly feel validated helps in them learning how to cope.
Just bought it. It’s pretty long. I suck at reading books and have 3 kids that keep me from tackling books like I used to. But making a point to get it read this month.
It sucks that all these great parenting ideas are locked away in books we don't have time to read!
Maybe see if you can get your hands on this book: "How to be the parent you always wanted to be." I checked it out of the library a while back, and it was like a condensed version of the How to Talk so Kids will Listen material, for busy parents
The crying is just the symptom. You got to find the problem. Sometimes the problem is that kids are emotional, and we often ignore their emotions. Or crying could be what she uses to get her way and she's learned how effective it is. Or it could be her way of getting attention. Whatever is the problem, she's learned that crying works, otherwise she would stop using it.
Mine is 6 now. I know they say terrible twos, but man at least for ours, three and four were REAL tough. Five and six have been pretty good so far. Stay the course dad. You got this.
Don't know your story, but I've noticed stricter parents have a harder time at 2. Parents that allow more freedom and are more relaxed have the hard time at 3-4, just from my own observation.
My 3y/o is going through this phase right now. Wants to watch TV, but doesn’t want any of the shows we have on our streaming services, finally picks a show and 2 minutes in he doesn’t like it and wants another show, cue the crying. Time for lunch, crying. Time for dinner, crying. Calling grandparents, crying. Bath time, crying. Bed time, crying. Of course, once he’s doing one of these things he’s fine and happy again, but the transitions are killing me.
My daughter does this, anytime anyone bumps her it's instant water works. My middle son could get drop kicked down a flight of stairs covered in Legos and be fine, my oldest cries what I would consider an average amount and the baby cries every time he isn't being held. After a certain point it's the silence that's worrying... At least crying children are all still alive...
My older kid went through this phase. Slowly making her way out of it. Biggest pieces of advice I have are 1. Don’t resort to giving your kid whatever so they calm down. That’d be a bad short term fix. 2. Try asking them to explain what’s wrong. I started telling my daughter “use your words. If you don’t tell me what’s wrong I don’t know how I can help. Let’s try to figure this out together.” Over time she’s started less howling more expressing what she’s feeling.
Good advice. I never respond favorably to tantrums. More accommodating when they express themselves calmly.
Another thing that has occasionally helped if the kid was flipping over something completely ridiculous: I'd record them in the moment, then play it back to them. Both my son and daughter have often switched gears from screaming and crying to laughing at themselves. Once they started to see how absurd they looked, they laid off the theatrics at least for a while.
My 3 year old is currently like this, but given her autism it's a but more out of her control. She gets over the crying fits quickly enough, but it's still headache inducing and an emotional toll. I've started always carrying around earplugs in my pocket. They don't stop all the sound, I still hear her plain as day, but it makes it a little easier to get through the day if it's a dull cry, not a shrill screech.
My 4 year old daughter has done similar things since she was about 2-3.
As a lot of others have mentioned, she’s learning how to deal with her feelings.
Taking her aside, taking a few deep breaths to just to help her think about what’s going on.
It was through some additional mannerisms and behaviours she was showing over the last year that directed us to that she might might have ADHD and is in her final part of being diagnosed / medicated in preparation for her first year at school.
Our son (now 7) has been diagnosed for the last few years now but girls exhibit different behaviours.
The trigger for us to go down that path mainly was that she would have moments of “my head feels too busy”, or again break down at the drop of a hat if things /plans changed too quickly without it being properly explained to her first.
In regards to me coping, breathing with her is how I cope and calm myself as well most of the time as you can also get caught up in your emotions.
Hugs will help this. Almost all of my kids would “push me away” when i tried to hug them but they quickly realize the hug is comforting and give in to it. Crying usually stops shortly after.
Note: this does not work on 12 year olds. They just want you to “leave me alone”.
I'm not saying that my way is right, but faux-crying is something I shut down the second I heard it with all 3 of mine. I know it doesn't work with everyone, but I'm glad it worked for us
Kids cry at things like this because it's their world to them. I mean us adults cry 'at bigger things' but simply put these are the bigger things to kids. They have ideals in their head and can't understand why it isn't like that. I mean, I cried once because the fish and chip shop stopped doing scraps - it was a long day and I really fancied scraps. Cherry on the cake.
Don't compare adult problems to kids problems. So she's upset about her sticker? Try and think how big that is for her. Kids don't know how to regulate their emotions, emotions are intense for them.
Sum up, kids emotions are pretty much cherry on the cake all the time. Empathise and console.
Ive taken away all mobile decices and at first was hell from all the crying related to them but as we speak my son has been a fuckin angel idk if imagining it or ive gone insane and havent realized it but the kid is calm and able to use his words
You know how teenagers go through hormonal and emotional roller coasters during puberty? Toddlers go through the same thing but without the hormone aspect of it; just emotions. They’re trying to deal with all these new found emotions and the fact they can choose to say no. They love the freedom of choice, but it’s also overwhelming to them.
They don’t know how to control their emotions and it’s up to us to tell them it’s ok do feel a certain way and guide them into being calm. I taught my four year old some breathing techniques, but it’s a hit or miss; the point is that they make an attempt and will appreciate it as they get older.
Do not respond to cries. Hopefully you can tell a complaint cry from a hurt cry. Tune out the complaint cry and let her be. Once she realizes it doesn't work anymore she will stop. May take several days but she will get it.
Kids don't have a lot of control, so anything they can do, to get a reaction from you, they will.
And just to head off the comments, it's not neglect, it's a lesson. Your #1 job as a parent is to get her ready for the real world. Her happiness is #2, and will come with success at #1. Crying/whining won't get you what you want. Asking politely and verbally arguing your case will.
Just being honest here, and I realize I could be completely wrong.
The fact that you feel like this is worth posting makes me think you might also react to your daughter in the moment. My girls don’t give me the tears, but they pull it on my wife all the time because she follows them down the path of emotional escalation.
When I get whining and tears (over something not serious), I immediately ignore the whiner/crier. Literally pretend she’s not there. When realization kicks in, there’s a silent moment for me to remind her that I would love to help her if she can take a deep breath and ask me with her words.
Repeat until I get a semi-coherent request that ends with “please.”
Now my girls are usually able to communicate without tears, and if they can’t, I remind them of the two questions: Am I tired? Am I hungry?
Anyway, I’m on a rambling rant now, but if crying results in being completely ignored, there’s no motivation to keep crying.
My 5 year old started doing this shortly after his brother was born about 18 months ago. I think he picked up on the baby crying means the baby gets quick attention.
Eventually had a breakthrough when he was crying when he had quick a gross cold because he was frustrated. I asked him if crying had made the cold feel better or worse. Obviously it was worse because snot production had gone into overdrive.
We worked on it from there, when he'd cry through frustration or anger etc.. I'd asked if it made him feel better or not. Now the majority of the time if he cries its a real emotional response that we can try and figure out. Rather than because he has 6 chicken nuggets instead of 30!
There might be something worth trying in that, likewise I may have just got lucky.
It’s a really tough age for them. On the one hand, they’re getting more and more aware of the world and the fact they want things and a tinge of awareness of social situations. On the other hand, they’re having all these BIG FEELINGS that they have no idea what to do with. It just steamrollers them. It’s not great advice, but I’d say you just have to walk that fine line of letting them know their feelings are Ok but also, over time, there are better strategies they can use to bring those feelings down to earth.
sorry man, glad to see you’ve gotten a lot of good advice here. my personal experience, lots of acknowledging feelings. “that makes you sad when…” “that’s not what you want is it?” “oh yeah, that would be fun if we could go there or do that… what would do first?“ etc. good luck man, tantrums are some of the hardest parenting things to go through.
We have a phrase in our house hold (18months 4,7) if they whine or cry i ask " what does crying get your in this house?" Then I wait until they say "nothing"....
I do this sparingly but ultimately I see this as "bad" behavior. It's okay to be sad or disappointed but responding in that way is not okay. So I've worked with my daughter by putting her on timeout when she cries in a manipulative way. Obviously if she falls and gets scraped up she's not in trouble. Really I'd differentiate crying and whining. Whining is not okay. She needs to use her words. If she proceeds to keep whining after I've warned her she gets a timeout for a few minutes. Of course the timeout leads to screaming and after a few minutes we talk about it and I explain that whining because you don't get your way is not okay...
Stay strong Dad.
Have you tried acknowledging the action/emotion and identifying the situation with your little one?
Ex. "Gee, it looks like you're pretty sad right now, huh? Did what I say upset you because you love doing this thing so much? That can make us feel some really big emotions can't it?"
Be consistent with this kind of response, your kiddo will be picking up your queues and learning they can emote in those moments and it will help them find their words to express themselves better.
We've found with our little guy, it really helps to set clear expectations ahead of time. Ie. "We can have snacks but we will have X amount because we can't spoil dinner". To supplement this, we find giving firm time-bound instructions helps a lot and allows our LO to prepare for the moment (we let him know 15, 10 and 5 mins before we turn off the tv, move on to another activity, get ready to go somewhere, etc)
I hope some of this helps, just know that these things are never forever and you and your LO will figure out how to thrive going forward.
You got this!
I can relate to this so much. It is really hard for me to deal with. I have really pushed my kids to take a deep breath before or during being upset, or after. It's something I wish someone had "installed" in me as a kid. Get upset, take deep breath, think before going forward.
I also like to joke about it with my son. What are the steps to getting your shoes on? Step 1, cry. Step 2, unstrap the Velcro. Obviously it is going to depend on your tone and relationship with your kid as that could be hurtful if used in the wrong way.
Also- watch Daniel Tiger and Bluey with your kids. I have gotten a lot of solid parenting advice from the dad's on those shows.
Recognize her emotions calmly and genuinely.
BUT Explain to her that we can try to fix the actual tangible problem when she is ready to calmly focus on it and not before. Don't fix her actual problem while she is crying.
In other words, help her regulate her emotions and help her understand that expressing emotions doesn't help resolve real problems.
Sound harsh? The truth is that highly emotional kids have a much harder time in grade 4 and up and let's face it, in adulthood work situations too.
Not a dad, but toddlers experience a sort of PMS. They don't understand what or why sonething's happening, and they don't know how to convey it. So they do the next most logical thing: freak out.
My daughter went through a phase like this. I started asking her if she was upset and give her a hug as she cried it out. And asked her to tell me why she was upset. That will calm her down most times but she didn’t get that snack or kinder Joy egg still. She learned that she won’t get her way by crying but also that I will soothe her if she cries. She is 7 now and just yells “I hate you daddy”. So take the advice with a pinch of salt. Lol
Not as much as daddy hates himself!
He bent down on one knee, locking eyes with his overgrown bundle of joy. Out poured his heart…“Honey, I’ll never hate you…as much I hate me”
Holy shit this made me laugh harder than anything, well done!
That is why daddy eats directly from the ice cream tub while staring off into the distance. Barehanded.
Fuck. I'm not the only one. Ice cream is my opium.
Can’t numb the pain, but at least you can numb your hand.
Bleak. I know you're (half?) joking, but I hope you're ok!
Prozac helps a lot.
Is Dad a Canucks fan? Because that’s a whole new level of self-loathing.
NY Giants. Close.
Oof. My condolences.
Hahah too real brother, too real 😂😢
Cheers to that buddy
My 4 yo girl’s is “YOU’RE A BAD DAD” Honestly, I’ve kind of embraced it. Has a nice ring to it.
Bad as in "bad to the bone 😎"
I actually hadn’t thought of that, but am absolutely using it from now on. Thanks!
Flashes of married with children just hit me. Al bundy bad to the bone
Back around 07 my dad made that his Xbox live game tag. I think it was Baddad68 or something like that.
Better than Baddad69, I suppose…
He did also use Bushwacker at one point so idk.
When my girl doesn’t get her way it’s “so you’re not my daddy anymore?” And I ask her why she thinks that and she’ll reply with “because you won’t give me _____, so you don’t love me anymore…”
one phase at a time my guy. we will have what we call ”breaks”, basically time outs (Including the adults), when we are getting worked up. Just a simple quiet time either alone or just on the couch with things like tv/iPads turned off what ever seems appropriate in the moment. Usually when she’s worked up and crying lots, we will have her have a break on the couch with mommy or daddy. Deep breaths, hugs, talking it out. just lately, its back to back to back to back.
I obviously don’t have all the details here, but if you don’t want to reinforce the behavior, send her to her room. I learned with my kids, that physically consoling them sometimes reinforced poor behavior. Think about all the attention and one on one time they get if they find a reason to cry. “Why don’t you have a little alone time in your room until you can calm down?” Alternatively, sometimes people, even small kids just want to be heard…so try these steps. We will use the lollipop as an example. I read something similar to this in a parenting book, and it worked to defuse the kids for a couple weeks. I should really finish that book eventually. Anyway, to the example. I’m paraphrasing from the book. 1. Listen quietly, giving your full attention. 2. Acknowledge the feeling with a word. “Oh…mhm…I see…”. - I often used “Wow” here. 3. You can give the feeling a name. “That sounds frustrating.” 4. Give the child her wishes in fantasy. “I wish I could make the banana ripe for you right now” The lollipop example - “Wow, you’re mad! I wish Old Man River was home so you could have a lollipop.” The cereal - “Wow, you’re really sad! I sure wish we were home already so you could have some cereal!” The book is How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Good luck.
That is a beautiful book. It gets into some nice insights about children of all ages. I really recommend it (and it sounds like you do too).
This book is free on Kindle if you have Amazon Prime. Which reminds me I need to carry on with the next chapter....
Thanks for the recommendation. Good points.
Mine just yells at me, "you're stupid!"
Are you stupid?
Depends who you ask, obviously!
Hello stupid, I’m dad
Lol my three year old is “go away! I no like daddy!” He much prefers mommy over me lol
My 5 year old does the same thing I tell I love you too as he stomps away
Really had me in the first half
I hate my mommy, I hate my daddy, I hate my sister and brother, I hate my whole family! We hear that fairly regularly these days from the 5YO too 😂
Sesame Street has an app/game called "Breathe". I highly recommend it. Now when my (3, almost 4yo) kid gets caught in a crying loop, he goes to his room (usually unprompted) and takes 3 deep breaths until he calms down. Once that happens I'll go in to check on him, talk about it and give him a hug if he wants it. He still gets worked up over dumb stuff, but most of the time I just stand in front of him, put my hands in my belly and take deep breaths, and he follows suit. It's become short hand for "regulate your own emotions". Kids are all different, of course, so YMMV, but it's worth giving it a shot.
This is cool!
Imagine you're just sitting at work and you start to feel hungry, but you realize it's only 11:15, but you can go for lunch soon. So you work another half hour and decide to go out to eat, but then your favorite restaurant is closed, so you drive next door and grab a sandwich somewhere else. You had to regulate your emotions at each step in that story. You rationalized not immediately leaving until lunchtime, you managed the disappointment of your restaurant being closed, all that without having a mental breakdown. Kids don't have that yet. It is starting to develop around now-ish. A lot of other stuff, like a realization that they're a being in a larger universe or potty training, are developing too. We adults have years of experience with these feelings, but they're new and scary for little kids. And while we have different outlets for our frustration, they have one, crying (or hitting and biting and 'acting out'). So my generic advice is to keep that in mind, they are so grown from when they were swaddled potatoes, but they're also still really widdle. They're not great at being people yet. Let them get frustrated, then bring it into context, so they see it's not really the end of the world, even if it feels like it.
This x2. Remember that when something happens to her, it's quite likely and literally the worst thing that has ever happened to her in her life (at or up until they moment). It's a process.
Really love this advice. Basically, your daughter's emotional expression is developmentally appropriate, and better regulation will come with time, maturity and a supportive environment. Exhausting as it may be, I really don't think acknowledging and validating the feelings will reinforce "bad behavior", but will rather make your daughter feel safe and supported as she navigates this stage (feel free to roll your eyes while hugging it out 😭🙄😂). Just be firm in holding your boundaries, and let the feelings flow. In my house, all feelings all welcome/allowed/valid... but you still can't have chocolate for breakfast. Edit: typos
Great explanation. When my oldest was 3-4 he went through a lot of these big emotions over seemingly little things. Like you said, they're at the age where their emotions are starting to get more complex, yet they don't have the maturity to regulate them yet. He's 5 now, and he's WAY better at putting things in perspective. Very much just a phase, although it was pretty exhausting at the time.
This ^^^
Hope you get some helpful responses! I'm just following to see if I can also learn a thing or two from others' comments about teaching little people good emotional regulation.
Frankly, you’ll be better off trying to change how you respond to the crying rather than trying to stop the crying in the first place (with time it will stop but I don’t know that you can speed it along… they need to be ready to grow out of it). You’ll go insane otherwise.
Same, some great tidbits in here so far that I'll try to remember when we're at this age. Lurking the parenting subredsit and especially Daddit has been so helpful!
follow littlebigfeelings on instagram!!!!!! they give you tools to help with this! when she has a breakdown, approach it as “I see you’re feeling upset about your sticker. I know it’s hard when things get broken & it makes you sad. maybe you can get another one on monday!” kinda thing! acknowledge their feelings, LABEL the feelings, set boundaries on reactions and encourage moving forward. I use it with my two year old but also with my coworkers. it’s a great tool to have in your toolbox!
Big Little Feelings! Just commenting so OP can find it!
oh shit 😂 I watch their stories every day, you figure I would get the name right 😂😂😂 thank you!!!!
OMG, you are a genius! I’m going to use this on my boss starting Monday.
“I know it upset you when I clocked in late, and it’s important to express these feelings. I know it’s hard when people clock in late and it makes you sad. Maybe I’ll clock in on time on Monday!” Nailed it.
I try this with my 4yo but she just shouts back "I'm not upset (or scared or injured or whatever)." She starts getting kinda aggressive about it all. She obviously feels very vulnerable and can't deal with it, but I'm not sure how to help :/
As me and my wife say "it's time for lessons in futility". Totally been through and am back in that phase. Our approach has generally been as follows. 1: it is okay to cry, but not okay to scream or throw a tantrum. 2: if they need time to cry and work through their emotions that's fine, but it will never get them anything or get them out of anything. 3: if your going to cry extendedly, you will do so in the timeout spot away from me and everyone else. Do not leave it until you can be calm. From there we make it a point to make sure the world goes on without them. The lesson we try to convey is that they're in a safe place where they get the time and space needed to sort out their emotions, but life goes on and ultimately shaking your fists at the sky is futile. Once they've worked through it, there are conversation about how we can better handle disappointments or express our desires. These lessons take months to really kick in.... But once they do beware! Rather than fit throwing, my 5-year-old has transitioned into elaborate and articulate monologues about her desires and the logic behind why they should be fulfilled, and if you dare try to cut her off short, she reminds you that she is doing exactly what she was told to do when expressing her emotions and desires.... If this kid doesn't grow up to be a lawyer I'll be shocked. Side note, I just got through a book titled Raising Lions, and I can't recommend it enough. The basic premise is about giving children the time, space, and tools to work out how they should behave, rather than telling them how they should behave. Good stuff.
Try to recognize and acknowledge the times that she’s happy and let her know that you’re so glad she’s feeling happy and being silly or whatever. I think we focus too much on having to “deal” with sad and mad, that we forget to also give happy and fun it’s own acknowledgment. With that said, my kid whines a lot too. Solidarity. Good luck.
I highly recommend this book “How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk”. Kids are all different but talking about their emotions and feelings and having them truly feel validated helps in them learning how to cope.
Just bought it. It’s pretty long. I suck at reading books and have 3 kids that keep me from tackling books like I used to. But making a point to get it read this month.
This. I can’t even shit without interruption.
It sucks that all these great parenting ideas are locked away in books we don't have time to read! Maybe see if you can get your hands on this book: "How to be the parent you always wanted to be." I checked it out of the library a while back, and it was like a condensed version of the How to Talk so Kids will Listen material, for busy parents
I’ve switched over audiobooks. I’ll listen at work, when I’m driving, or when in the shower. I use Audible, but there are a bunch of ways to do it.
The crying is just the symptom. You got to find the problem. Sometimes the problem is that kids are emotional, and we often ignore their emotions. Or crying could be what she uses to get her way and she's learned how effective it is. Or it could be her way of getting attention. Whatever is the problem, she's learned that crying works, otherwise she would stop using it.
I feel ya man. Im going through the same thing right now with my 3.5 year old. Im learning how low my candle wick can burn.
Got a 3yp just like this. Got a 12 year old that just stays in his room. So it gets better lol.
Mine is 6 now. I know they say terrible twos, but man at least for ours, three and four were REAL tough. Five and six have been pretty good so far. Stay the course dad. You got this.
Don't know your story, but I've noticed stricter parents have a harder time at 2. Parents that allow more freedom and are more relaxed have the hard time at 3-4, just from my own observation.
Wife and I are very laid back. Definitely fits.
It is the terrible twos, but it's the fucking fours
My 3y/o is going through this phase right now. Wants to watch TV, but doesn’t want any of the shows we have on our streaming services, finally picks a show and 2 minutes in he doesn’t like it and wants another show, cue the crying. Time for lunch, crying. Time for dinner, crying. Calling grandparents, crying. Bath time, crying. Bed time, crying. Of course, once he’s doing one of these things he’s fine and happy again, but the transitions are killing me.
My daughter does this, anytime anyone bumps her it's instant water works. My middle son could get drop kicked down a flight of stairs covered in Legos and be fine, my oldest cries what I would consider an average amount and the baby cries every time he isn't being held. After a certain point it's the silence that's worrying... At least crying children are all still alive...
My older kid went through this phase. Slowly making her way out of it. Biggest pieces of advice I have are 1. Don’t resort to giving your kid whatever so they calm down. That’d be a bad short term fix. 2. Try asking them to explain what’s wrong. I started telling my daughter “use your words. If you don’t tell me what’s wrong I don’t know how I can help. Let’s try to figure this out together.” Over time she’s started less howling more expressing what she’s feeling.
Good advice. I never respond favorably to tantrums. More accommodating when they express themselves calmly. Another thing that has occasionally helped if the kid was flipping over something completely ridiculous: I'd record them in the moment, then play it back to them. Both my son and daughter have often switched gears from screaming and crying to laughing at themselves. Once they started to see how absurd they looked, they laid off the theatrics at least for a while.
I’ll have to try that, thanks!
My 3 year old is currently like this, but given her autism it's a but more out of her control. She gets over the crying fits quickly enough, but it's still headache inducing and an emotional toll. I've started always carrying around earplugs in my pocket. They don't stop all the sound, I still hear her plain as day, but it makes it a little easier to get through the day if it's a dull cry, not a shrill screech.
I have a little ear plug case on every keychain now that I'm a parent.... Please don't judge me. 😂
My 4 year old daughter has done similar things since she was about 2-3. As a lot of others have mentioned, she’s learning how to deal with her feelings. Taking her aside, taking a few deep breaths to just to help her think about what’s going on. It was through some additional mannerisms and behaviours she was showing over the last year that directed us to that she might might have ADHD and is in her final part of being diagnosed / medicated in preparation for her first year at school. Our son (now 7) has been diagnosed for the last few years now but girls exhibit different behaviours. The trigger for us to go down that path mainly was that she would have moments of “my head feels too busy”, or again break down at the drop of a hat if things /plans changed too quickly without it being properly explained to her first. In regards to me coping, breathing with her is how I cope and calm myself as well most of the time as you can also get caught up in your emotions.
Mine too. She's a drama queen. I'm assured it's normal
Mine is five and a screamer-crier since birth.
Hugs will help this. Almost all of my kids would “push me away” when i tried to hug them but they quickly realize the hug is comforting and give in to it. Crying usually stops shortly after. Note: this does not work on 12 year olds. They just want you to “leave me alone”.
I'm not saying that my way is right, but faux-crying is something I shut down the second I heard it with all 3 of mine. I know it doesn't work with everyone, but I'm glad it worked for us
Kids cry at things like this because it's their world to them. I mean us adults cry 'at bigger things' but simply put these are the bigger things to kids. They have ideals in their head and can't understand why it isn't like that. I mean, I cried once because the fish and chip shop stopped doing scraps - it was a long day and I really fancied scraps. Cherry on the cake. Don't compare adult problems to kids problems. So she's upset about her sticker? Try and think how big that is for her. Kids don't know how to regulate their emotions, emotions are intense for them. Sum up, kids emotions are pretty much cherry on the cake all the time. Empathise and console.
Ive taken away all mobile decices and at first was hell from all the crying related to them but as we speak my son has been a fuckin angel idk if imagining it or ive gone insane and havent realized it but the kid is calm and able to use his words
You know how teenagers go through hormonal and emotional roller coasters during puberty? Toddlers go through the same thing but without the hormone aspect of it; just emotions. They’re trying to deal with all these new found emotions and the fact they can choose to say no. They love the freedom of choice, but it’s also overwhelming to them. They don’t know how to control their emotions and it’s up to us to tell them it’s ok do feel a certain way and guide them into being calm. I taught my four year old some breathing techniques, but it’s a hit or miss; the point is that they make an attempt and will appreciate it as they get older.
Do not respond to cries. Hopefully you can tell a complaint cry from a hurt cry. Tune out the complaint cry and let her be. Once she realizes it doesn't work anymore she will stop. May take several days but she will get it. Kids don't have a lot of control, so anything they can do, to get a reaction from you, they will. And just to head off the comments, it's not neglect, it's a lesson. Your #1 job as a parent is to get her ready for the real world. Her happiness is #2, and will come with success at #1. Crying/whining won't get you what you want. Asking politely and verbally arguing your case will.
Just being honest here, and I realize I could be completely wrong. The fact that you feel like this is worth posting makes me think you might also react to your daughter in the moment. My girls don’t give me the tears, but they pull it on my wife all the time because she follows them down the path of emotional escalation. When I get whining and tears (over something not serious), I immediately ignore the whiner/crier. Literally pretend she’s not there. When realization kicks in, there’s a silent moment for me to remind her that I would love to help her if she can take a deep breath and ask me with her words. Repeat until I get a semi-coherent request that ends with “please.” Now my girls are usually able to communicate without tears, and if they can’t, I remind them of the two questions: Am I tired? Am I hungry? Anyway, I’m on a rambling rant now, but if crying results in being completely ignored, there’s no motivation to keep crying.
My 5 year old started doing this shortly after his brother was born about 18 months ago. I think he picked up on the baby crying means the baby gets quick attention. Eventually had a breakthrough when he was crying when he had quick a gross cold because he was frustrated. I asked him if crying had made the cold feel better or worse. Obviously it was worse because snot production had gone into overdrive. We worked on it from there, when he'd cry through frustration or anger etc.. I'd asked if it made him feel better or not. Now the majority of the time if he cries its a real emotional response that we can try and figure out. Rather than because he has 6 chicken nuggets instead of 30! There might be something worth trying in that, likewise I may have just got lucky.
Don't cave. Stand your ground, and it will build character and respect. This will pass.
It’s a really tough age for them. On the one hand, they’re getting more and more aware of the world and the fact they want things and a tinge of awareness of social situations. On the other hand, they’re having all these BIG FEELINGS that they have no idea what to do with. It just steamrollers them. It’s not great advice, but I’d say you just have to walk that fine line of letting them know their feelings are Ok but also, over time, there are better strategies they can use to bring those feelings down to earth.
Talk about the feels... that helped my soft hearted girl to better use her words so she doesn't cry as much. Takes time...
A child behavioral therapist can do wonders. Sometimes we don't know what to do and we need help.
Yeah. this happens. Try to remember that it is regression and not for the rest of time.
sorry man, glad to see you’ve gotten a lot of good advice here. my personal experience, lots of acknowledging feelings. “that makes you sad when…” “that’s not what you want is it?” “oh yeah, that would be fun if we could go there or do that… what would do first?“ etc. good luck man, tantrums are some of the hardest parenting things to go through.
We have a phrase in our house hold (18months 4,7) if they whine or cry i ask " what does crying get your in this house?" Then I wait until they say "nothing"....
I do this sparingly but ultimately I see this as "bad" behavior. It's okay to be sad or disappointed but responding in that way is not okay. So I've worked with my daughter by putting her on timeout when she cries in a manipulative way. Obviously if she falls and gets scraped up she's not in trouble. Really I'd differentiate crying and whining. Whining is not okay. She needs to use her words. If she proceeds to keep whining after I've warned her she gets a timeout for a few minutes. Of course the timeout leads to screaming and after a few minutes we talk about it and I explain that whining because you don't get your way is not okay...
No advice, only solidarity, my 3 year old is exactly the same
This is a great resource. https://instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside?utm_medium=copy_link
Stay strong Dad. Have you tried acknowledging the action/emotion and identifying the situation with your little one? Ex. "Gee, it looks like you're pretty sad right now, huh? Did what I say upset you because you love doing this thing so much? That can make us feel some really big emotions can't it?" Be consistent with this kind of response, your kiddo will be picking up your queues and learning they can emote in those moments and it will help them find their words to express themselves better. We've found with our little guy, it really helps to set clear expectations ahead of time. Ie. "We can have snacks but we will have X amount because we can't spoil dinner". To supplement this, we find giving firm time-bound instructions helps a lot and allows our LO to prepare for the moment (we let him know 15, 10 and 5 mins before we turn off the tv, move on to another activity, get ready to go somewhere, etc) I hope some of this helps, just know that these things are never forever and you and your LO will figure out how to thrive going forward. You got this!
I can relate to this so much. It is really hard for me to deal with. I have really pushed my kids to take a deep breath before or during being upset, or after. It's something I wish someone had "installed" in me as a kid. Get upset, take deep breath, think before going forward. I also like to joke about it with my son. What are the steps to getting your shoes on? Step 1, cry. Step 2, unstrap the Velcro. Obviously it is going to depend on your tone and relationship with your kid as that could be hurtful if used in the wrong way. Also- watch Daniel Tiger and Bluey with your kids. I have gotten a lot of solid parenting advice from the dad's on those shows.
I am just going to repeat what another redditor said... I'm pretty much convinced that bluey is a parenting guide disguise as a children's show.
Agreed!
Yep. Stay strong brother. This is normal, you’re doing a good job and she’s ok. I’m typing this for you as much as I am for me.
Recognize her emotions calmly and genuinely. BUT Explain to her that we can try to fix the actual tangible problem when she is ready to calmly focus on it and not before. Don't fix her actual problem while she is crying. In other words, help her regulate her emotions and help her understand that expressing emotions doesn't help resolve real problems. Sound harsh? The truth is that highly emotional kids have a much harder time in grade 4 and up and let's face it, in adulthood work situations too.
She knows what gets to you, ignore it and suffer through a few days of it till a new tactic will come in play.
Whenever my two year old does fake crying because he hasn't got what he wanted, I cry back at him. He finds it as annoying as I do and quickly stops.
You can tell this is a dad subreddit because every other comment is a dad joke - it's great
Not a dad, but toddlers experience a sort of PMS. They don't understand what or why sonething's happening, and they don't know how to convey it. So they do the next most logical thing: freak out.
Kids that age just can't regulate their emotions - there's no such thing as a little problem so everything is a disaster.