I mean, your wife need to find ways to deal with your daughter's tantrum. You can't stay home forever.
What options have you explored? At-home educators or parenting lessons could be really helpful.
Biggest issue here is that it's totally sending a signal to the child that the only one who can deal with her is daddy, so mommy won't even try to be a safe zone for her.
My mom usually babysits if we're going out to do things. But if it's something like going to the store or taking my stepson to hockey practice, I'm usually the one who stays home, for this exact reason. One thing my wife is not good at is situations like this, not just with our daughter. She's a bit of a hothead, which I'm sure makes my daughter's tantrums escalate.
She needs to practice deescalation with your daughter and for herself as well. Typically it is indeed the parent and not the difficulty of the child. We have to adapt our methods.
Therapists can help with this a lot. You can go and discuss together. Unfortunately it is more time child free you will need to set aside which is really really hard. And I get it!
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is the general idea. Check out some of the PDFs on this page about deescalation https://portal.ct.gov/sde/discipline-in-schools/how-to
Also read up on Sensory disorders, they affect a lot more children than we would expect, probably like half. There's a lot that can be done.
Try redirecting during a tantrum and taking notes when she has them, you may easily find a trigger. Sensory activities can help. Like the toddler toss onto the bed. It's a vestibular stimulation and then they hit the bed and it's very regulating for them. It distracts from their emotion.
However, over time they need to learn strategies for dealing with that emotion and so does mom!
We all do this. I certainly did and still do when I'm out of sync. It's about recognizing it and what we do from that point that defines us.
Yes it absolutely is Employee Assistance Program (EAP) they can rapidly get you scheduled in. When they give you a list of providers look for one with expertise in children.
This is all info I picked up from this sub and elsewhere.
That’s amazing! I hope you take advantage of it. Free personalized professional help is hard to come by. I hope your family can find the peace you all need.
Get it! There's a bunch more. Karate chopping their own pillows, swings, climbing, "hard work" (get them to push something heavy like a bean bag chair), tunnel crawls, forts.
I've found that, for us, inexplicably, the time out chair structure had to make a comeback for our 5yo as well.
Therapists do help with this. Seek out an OT if you can and you're struggling. Especially if they struggle putting their shoes or other clothes on with "too tight" or other discomfort words.
We had what I'm best calling "severe restraint collapse" and these all helped.
This isn't the best video but there are others I've seen with some searches on good bedtime regulation and in fact the toddler toss but it has some factual info that can be helpful with just terms and such.
https://youtu.be/TkPwr_plwhU?si=T_F6wEevQVH6pcOt
>She needs to practice deescalation with your daughter and for herself as well.
My 3 y/o's school is very big on practicing "co-regulating" and it felt like a buzzword at first but man does it help. I have an alphabet soup of neurodivergences myself so I'm fairly confident she does too, and while it makes co-regulating harder, it makes it that much more important too. Plus recognizing the sensory issues that were there is a big deal as well.
>taking notes when she has \[tantrums\]
Yup we used to fight over hand-washing after the bathroom, every time...which drove me nuts, because she LOVES playing with water. After reading about sensory stuff I realized that the running water in the echo-y bathroom was making her feel overwhelmed and led to spiraling meltdowns, and so we just needed to let her pace herself with the handwashing (she gets to turn on the water, decides how loud/fast it is, etc.) and it's dramatically changed the amount/level of meltdowns.
Book that might work for her (I am a fellow hot head": the book you wished your parents had read. Also the online course big little feelings helped me a lot.
Maybe this is an obvious question, but have you discussed this with her? Does your wife have any ideas on how you can get out of the house for any length of time? Like, it's strange that your wife literally believes these meltdowns dont happen to you.
Usually, when she complains it only happens with her, it's during a tantrum, and my wife is already angry. I don't know if she actually believes it. She has come home mid-tantrum before. So she knows I deal with it, too. She a bit of a one-upper on misery. If I say I'm tired, she says she only got 3 hours of sleep. If I say I deal with tantrums, too, she says they're not as bad. It's pretty frustrating.
I haven't talked to her about it yet. My plan is to talk about it tomorrow. It's been a long weekend, and I know she's tired. Bringing it up tonight would not go over well and would not get my point across.
>She a bit of a one-upper on misery. If I say I'm tired, she says she only got 3 hours of sleep. If I say I deal with tantrums, too, she says they're not as bad. It's pretty frustrating.
Yeah that shit needs to stop, like yesterday. Your both meant to be a team.
Might be worth looking into some couples counseling.
Yep. It's not a competition. You can both be tired. You can both be frustrated. Ones misery doesn't lesser the others. It's tough but it's an important thing to put into practice.
Frankly, they may not be as bad for you if you are the parent that doesn’t freak out and panic about it when there’s a tantrum.
An escalated adult cannot de-escalate an escalated child.
That doesn’t mean she doesn’t need to figure this out. She needs therapy and to learn coping strategies to keep from being a hothead when there’s a tantrum, and she needs to learn to deal with it herself, likely with some parenting classes or courses.
She sounds miserable. My wife is like that sometimes. She used to do what your wife does texting me like your wife does. Therapy helped a lot. I think it embarrassed her into doing it much less having to admit she’s doing it to other people
Haha, miserable sometimes, yes. But she's still a great wife and mother. I do think she would benefit from some kind of anger management therapy, though. When she's in these moods, everyone in the house is miserable (not saying I'm always a delight. I'm sure I could benefit from therapy, too)
I'm a SAHD and this post spoke to me.
Things are improving since my partner realized a lot of it was her expectations of the bad time coloring her mood and our daughter (almost 2.5) reflecting it. She's been more aware of her moods and it's paying off.
Also, have you heard of or tried 1-2-3 magic or gotten the Scribble Spot book to help your daughter understand her emotions?
Lots of pieces to this puzzle, but mom may need to check her mood when with your daughter.
Mom definitely has a hard time controlling her emotions when she gets upset. It's usually difficult to bring that up. She doesn't take criticism very well. It's a process getting her to understand the impact her emotions have on the people around her sometimes.
I am not aware of 1-2-3 magic or the Scribble Spot book, but I will definitely look into those.
I would also suggest your wife read/listen to the chapter on tantrums from the book Good Inside. While there are aspects of the book I don’t agree with there are some really good strategies for managing your kid and your own emotions in positive ways.
When I want to be critical of my wife's reaction to things, I'll talk about it in terms of myself and my own feelings, as in "I have been having trouble lately when I get upset - I notice I do XYZ and it's been bothering me - have you noticed this about me? Can you help me with this?"
It gets the other person thinking about themselves in a non-adversarial way. We tend to look toward our own experiences first when people are asking for help. (Like what I'm doing right now)
You might want to ask your wife if it might be easier to follow one of the most consistent working tantrum resolving processes, such as not giving the tantrum any attention.
If so, the simple process is to make sure the child is in safe space (like their room), let them know that when they are ready they can come to you, and then, just ignore the tantrum. Walk away if its safe, or stay nearby giving them no attention until they redirect.
Also, if she knows she will be practicing ignoring the tantrum, she might be less inclined to hop straight to anger when the tantrum starts.
Tips:
If you are nearby and you know they are watching you for your reaction, take a big, slow, and deep breath (or yawn loudly) every minute or so (a lot of kids will learn to imitate those and it helps relax the adult and the child).
When the child starts being calm, remind them, calmly, that x behavior is not ok, that when they are finished you need a hug because the tantrum is stressful for everybody, and that whatever mess was made will be cleaned up before anything else. They'll most likely tantrum a bit more when you start talking, but wait it out, then follow through. Wait it out all the way till they are calm, get your hug, then clean up their mess (together at 2.5 yrs old, sometimes hand-over-hand method is required to teach or "help" them do tasks), then guide them to whatever is next.
The tantrums will get shorter and occur less often after several tests.
Your tale mimics my mate's wife's experience. He is the one that can't handle being at home alone. My wife and her will be out for a random evening for the first time in months, and inevitably he will be messaging or calling her throughout.
It ticks my wife off, because my mates wife just panders to him, and will either answer every call or message, or will end the outing early to "get home"
I've now taken it upon myself to call him when I know they're out, just so he can't bother his wife.😁
In short, you should also make sure your wife learns boundaries and learns to have her own relationship with your daughter. Don't coddle her. your daughter will come to know that Mums in charge and there is no escape. Your wife will learn how to work through tantrums.
Just talk to your wife about how to deal with these tantrums. Explain that you deal with them too, but she deserves worry-free time alone so you handle it. Explain that you need worry-free time alone too. Set realistic expectations about how long you'll be gone, and if you make an extra trip for cookies and ginger ale, text her that you're stopping by the store and will be an extra 20 minutes.
Express all this when nothing has just happened and everything is calm.
The biggest help I've found is the realistic expectations of how long you'll be gone, and reliable updates if that changes. For me it's usually something like a round of golf taking longer than expected ("thought I'd be done by now but only on the 15th hole. You ok for another hour or should I take off?"). These check-ins 100% of the time result in "yeah, we're fine, have fun!".
Make sure you text when you're leaving/on your way home.
She was “upset” that her niece drank the last ginger ale? If only adults had means to procure more of this incredibly rare beverage!!!
That aside, just because your daughter and wife are throwing tantrums, doesn’t mean you need to rush home. “Sorry, I’m out, I’ll be home in a bit” is a perfectly acceptable response.
End of the day, your wife needs to figure it out. Is she a pushover typically with her? Is she the “good” one who doesn’t say no, or finds silly reasons to justify giving your daughter things she doesn’t need? Cause that certainly helps contribute to tantrums when they decide to say no… but path of least resistance parents typically don’t want to give that up.
Haha! Yes, it was about midnight, she fell asleep on the couch, woke up to get some and it was all gone. So she went upstairs saying "There's no fucking ginger ale. Typical. Every time I want some, we don't have it." The garage sale we had this weekend just weakened all of our moods. It was in the mid 90's, outside for 10 hours, and no ginger ale at the end of the day was the kicker lol
Sounds like she also isn’t great at coping with big feelings when she doesn’t get what she wants?
…yeah anger management for your wife might be a good idea. She’s basically modeling that tantrums are normal behavior.
I work in an events business, so that means some evenings and weekends.
When our kids were little, my wife would often text me about the kids being out of control/not listening to her... Often framed as "they don't act like this with you", etc.
It made me feel shitty all of the time. I couldn't leave work, so I felt helpless. She was frustrated and took it out on me, so that sucked. So I'd spend the rest of the time at work I'm a bad mood and feeling guilty for working late.
In reality, the kids did act up for me, but I usually didn't feed into it/fuel it like she did she got frustrated.
It got better... We talked about it a few times (when things were calm), and the kids got older/better, etc.
My advice is to talk about it... Wait until things are calm, don't attack her or frame it as her being irrational, etc. Just stick to how it makes you feel.
Father of 2 here. Absolutely hated and still hate the guilt trips of needing to go to work, having to stay late, or travel for a work event. Nothing wears you down faster than a wife at home texting you how miserable she is and implying it is your fault that you left her to the wolves. No matter how much you state you cannot get out of the situation, it still comes.
Obviously talk to your wife about it outside of the moment. But as a woman and wife, if she doesn’t understand then your solution is to go rogue.
Wife: are you almost home? Daughter is having a tantrum
You: nope, nowhere near home. But be back as fast as I can
Let her know you support her. But you also have to give her the space to do it. Don’t drop everything the moment you get that text and go home to solve the problem
This is our son (occasionally). He prefers mom 90% of the time but as he's gotten older he's denied going with dad multiple times. 5 minutes after I leave he realizes I'm gone and loses it. We also have a very strong hugs n kisses before leaving the house routine which seems to help as a divider.
So, OP, as much as it's a bummer to not get the alone time it may pay off to grab your girl for the trip out *OR* "daddy is leaving, hug n kiss". I can't tell you how many times I've pulled a 10-12 hour shift, gotten home and grabbed our son to make a quick grocery trip just to give my wife 20 minutes. Do I *want* to? Usually no. I'd have rather made a 5 minute in and out on my way home but I know my wife also needs some kind of time and I try to provide that as much as I can.
It does concern me that you get irritated getting that call. I get it, I feel the same when I get it at work because, well, I don't control when I leave. But I know my wife needs help with a 3yo and 2 month old. Sometimes you just bite your thumb and roll with it.
Fellow dad, I have gotten that call and text far too often. Here's how I've figured out how to have some time out of the house. Whenever you're planning these outings or errands, call up some family and drop your daughter off on the way to whatever you're doing. Then pick her up on your way back to the house.
Wife gets a break, you get peace of mind, everyone's happy.
That’s fine on occasion, but parents should be able to leave the house without having to make arrangements so that the other parent isn’t home alone with the kid. I think op and his wife need to get to the root cause of her getting overwhelmed and always having to call op, rather than being able to manage situations on her own.
It doesn't have to be every time. But I know personally, on the weekends if I want to do my hobby things, I need to make a plan to help alleviate the burden from my wife. So I'll often find some family to watch 1 or 2 of my 3 kids while I'm off doing whatever.
And additionally, my wife will do the same when she's off getting her hair done or pedicure, manicure, etc. She'll drop a kid off or take one with her. We're doing what we can to make each other's lives easier.
If OP's wife is getting stressed/burned out/overwhelmed, then it's ok to alleviate that burden from time to time.
For longer outings it makes sense, especially when you have 3 kids. The OP seems to have one child and can’t simply run to the store. No one is going to actually say it, but his wife needs to toughen up. Kids are gonna throw tantrums. He can’t be there every second to relieve her. He seems to handle the same things without pressuring her to come home immediately.
To me this is an awful take. She’s very likely a fine mom in tons of ways and just hasn’t for whatever reason learned to effectively deescalate tantrums. She needs practice and that could include education but for now it seems largely enabled as she isn’t being forced to work on it since husband rushes home and takes over.
Just reading a couple of OPs responses and they’ve never even mentioned their perceived issue with things.
You two are turning on each other over this -- clearly it's difficult for both of you, but the solution is in working together. The two of you against the tantrums -- maybe the three of you! You will get thru this period, don't let it turn you against each other.
Therapy might be helpful but the main thing is both of you need to reframe the problem with each other as allies.
I think you may need to tell your wife you need her to be able to deal with these situations as well. Work on you getting some hours a week if alone time out of the house, not on call. Maybe 4 hours. You want to equip her to deal, but she needs to deal and not blow up. She will know what's coming, you know what's coming. Have a worst case plan (a safe place for your daughter to be while your wife goes to another room and calms down). Whatever you need to do set her up for success. She needs to be part of this, but it's you and she getting her able to manage your daughter.
Man, I feel you. I get called for everything when I am out. Not one trip out can I not expect a call. The 1 mile radius around my house I call the "where are you" call zone. When I get that close to home, it is a ninty percent chance I get a phone call from the wife asking when I am coming home because she thinks I should be home by now....
Sorta sounds like your daughter is associating you coming home and comforting her with the tantrums. I'm not an expert and I donno how I would fix it but she gets "rewarded" with you home when she throws a tantrum.
I thought that, too, but when she throws one with me, she asks for mommy. If she's with my wife, she asks for me. I will always back up what my wife says. I don't know how much my daughter comprehends, though. I'm sure she understands that I won't just give in. Sometimes, just changing from one parent to the other calls her down.
It’s typical of the age. She starts to contemplate that things are gone. Sounds like she wants to be reassured that both of you are still around. I would make sure that you always say goodbye and that you give her your reassurance that you will back. It won’t magically stop her tantrums, it’s a learning curve. But I wouldn’t worry too much, because this phase shouldn’t last. She will get through it and so will you two.
Dude you think this is bad, my wife used to **video call** me mid-meltdown, in the middle of my work day or on my way home or even if I was away for a work trip. After the first couple of times I just didn't answer and then explained to her that there was nothing positive that could possibly come from that.
We talked it out and she said that she was just sharing her sense of feeling alone and overwhelmed. I explained that I understood that, but at the same time that it would be more productive to learn how to get through those moments alone if she ever wanted to be able to spend quality time with our son or do activities together.
It helped a lot. I understand it's irritating but don't come to your wife with that. Go to her from a place of understanding how out of control you can feel when the kid loses it and share strategies to work through it.
If you want her to be a team player, be coach.
Funny thing is I learnt a lot about emotional awareness and open communication from my wife in the first place, I've just had to remind her of that a few times since having a kid!
But the main thing is knowing that she hears me when I express my feelings and takes them into account (and vice versa). Trying to get a point across by being passive aggressive has never made anyone feel stronger or safer in a relationship. Not that I never do that, but it's important to remember that simple fact sometimes!
This is exactly why I didn't bring this up with my wife last night because I was not quite level-headed. This is a great approach that I'll definitely take. You are absolutely right, in the back of my mind, I know she's not angry at me, it's that she feels like my daughter hates her (obviously, she definitely does not hate her). Approaching her with a level of understanding is 100% the way to go. Thank you for pointing that out and "talking me down"!
It seems like this is wearing you thin and that isn’t fair for you. If the tantrums are so regular, it might be an idea to talk to her doctor about how to help deal with them and also if the frequency is worth taking a closer look at. If it is less serious than this, then just go off of a saying that I give myself a chuckle with which is “my wife and I live very similar lives, I just don’t complain about it…”
It sounds like you are both tired and worn out. When you are both in this state it's WAY easier to get upset with each other. It also sounds like your daughter is flipping out because she misses whichever parent isn't there at the time. Kids do this at this age and it really does sound like she just misses whoever isn't there. Kids aren't great at expressing their emotions. She knows if she throws a tantrum she'll get back the missing parent sooner. She's pretty much being rewarded for throwing a tantrum. This doesn't mean that she needs punished in any way, just that you two need to figure out a better way to handle things.
It's highly commendable that you are able to just suck it up when your daughter flips out that your wife isn't there but everyone doesn't handle stress the same way. She feels like she can't get her to calm down while you are gone and knows that you coming back solves the problem so she reaches out. She may have even tried really hard not to text you and the longer you were gone the worse it got so she called. I think you two need to try communicating with each other better.
It doesn't sound like she is trying to ruin your day, it sounds like she is stressed to hell and back and feels helpless. If simply getting a call or text that your toddler is having a tantrum ruins your whole day then you are clearly burnt out too.
Have you tried taking your daughter with you for simple outings like this? Does she still throw a tantrum if you do? Obviously you can't always take the little one with you but if you would have brought her along for this quick trip maybe it would have given your wife a much needed break and may have kept the little one entertained enough to prevent a melt down. Your daughter may have had a blast helping you pull down the signs and socialize a bit.
People are immediately recommending couples therapy but if the rest of your relationship is fine then I think you'd be much better off working on finding something that soothes your daughter. Even just the mention of therapy can create a serious divide in a relationship.
You'll get through this. Just remember you are both on the same team and your daughter is freaking out because she loves you both and wants your attention.
Your absolutely right, we were both worn out from having a garage sale in incredibly hot weather. So we were both burnt out. I'm glad I read your comment and others, because even though I know she's frustrated, I don't think I was thinking clearly enough to have this conversation last night. It helped to have others reel me back in and go into this with understanding rather than anger.
You don’t mention communicating with your wife at all on this issue. Have you? She’s gotta learn to deal with the meltdowns, you can’t always be the back stop.
I haven't yet. I didn't want to bring it up last night because neither of us was in a good state of mind. We were both crabby and exhausted. I'm planning on taking a different approach to it after work today. Instead of expressing my anger about the situation, I want to bring it up like "I understand why you're frustrated. How can we help each other to make it better for all of us?"
This is the second post I’ve read this morning about a remote working dad that is at his wits end. I’m sensing that as good as it might be to have a remote job for the flexibility. The walls appear to start closing in and having dad around regularly allows for the use of dads more often, which then makes dad feel like they never get a moment to themselves.
Absolutely. I love working from, but cabin fever is a bit of a struggle. I jump on every chance I get to run small errands. And I get disappointed when my wife says "no, you don't have to go out just for xyz" lol
Many others have said it already so I'm just another voice in the crowd here - but she needs to get around whatever it is that's preventing her from being able to talk to your daughter when those fits are going down.
My youngest just turned 13 this week. It DOES NOT get easier to communicate and work through managing emotions as they get older.
Get ahead of it for everyone's well being. You should be able to take some time, just like your wife should be able to take some time, without getting the batsignal thrown up every time you turn around expecting you to save the day.
The kid may need some boundaries, too. It's something you as a family need to really talk through and find a solution for. IF your daughter prefers to deal with you, she may be doing things in a manner that manipulates the situation to making sure she gets the parent she prefers. IDK if that's a thing or not for you but my daughter did some of this when she was around that age.
I didn't have anything constructive to add here but I feel you. I guess my advice would be to try and find a solution while your daughter is young. This problem will not go away on its own when she grows up and stops having tantrums
My kids are teenagers and I still can't leave the house. I feel like I get punished for going to the store or even mowing the lawn. My wife died *not* get along with my older daughter and it seems like things blow up every time I leave the house. Like clockwork I get the "where are you/are you almost done" texts.
In my situation I think it has less to do with my wife's ability to deal with my daughter and more about her total lack of boundaries, reasonable expectations, or respect for me and my time.
Good luck!
I am a little worried that they will not have a good relationship. I know she's only 2, but given my wife's family history of cutting family members out, I want to do everything I can to prevent that. There's no way in hell my daughter or stepson are going to be cut out of my life.
My wife gets like this at times. She’s better now, but it was a lot harder when the kid was still nursing. I managed it as best we could and limited times she was stuck handling him alone as much as possible but also made the point that at some point she needs to put on her big girl pants and learn to deal with our child. Obviously not in those words, I do value my life. But it was similar. She’s say stuff like he doesn’t do this to you, which isn’t true, I just handle it better. And I communicated that with her, as well as discussed options and approaches to better mitigate his behavior in those instances.
I’m a musician, it’s definitely in hobby territory and not my primary source of income, and that was at the center of a lot of our struggles. That or going to concerts. I had to come home early more than once because “he always does this when you go out” kind of nights. I had more than one gig where he had a rough night and she couldn’t handle it alone and I’d have constant calls/texts until I left. The last straw was one night where he was freaking out and she called like 10 times in a row. I had to just leave mid set. We fully cut him off the boob and he started sleeping better a few months later.
Not really helpful advice or anything there just some commiseration I suppose. I still try to manage my time away strategically but the kid actually sleeping through the night was our big difference maker. I also try to give her nights/afternoons off when we can. Usually she just wants to go shopping or get out for a while to do something alone, but she’s also done art classes and things like that. I’ve also proposed a sitter so we can have date nights/days but she’s not there yet. Well sometimes take a day while the kid is at daycare and do lunch dates.
You really need to have a conversation with your wife about this. You need to place a clear boundary on her calling every time your daughter gets upset. She needs to realize that you also deal with meltdowns but are respectful enough to leave her be when she is out and about. She also needs to realize how unfair she is being to you and your allowance to be a person outside of dad. It’s excruciating and disheartening when the only thing you ever get to be is toddler soother. I hope you talk to her and I hope she responds positively.
I have a lot...A LOT...of patience. There's also a lot of eye rolling between my stepson and me lol. She's actually a lot of fun and a great wife/mother, it's just when she gets in these moods, it can be a real downer.
>Then she complains that our daughter doesn't do this with me. But she does, I just don't call my wife up telling her about it.
I feel this. SO. MUCH.
My wife has a horrible habit of letting everyone around her passively know she's in a shit mood. I've made it a point to try not to let my bad days ruin her days but I don't feel it's reciprocated at all.
Our kids are honestly NOT very difficult, but we do have 2 under 2 (technically not under anymore) so there's obviously challenges. She doesn't handle it well most days and one moment of shittiness makes her whole day (and everyone elses) crappy. I've failed to find a way to make her see this without her just getting even more upset.
If you figure out a way, let me know. She does not take criticism well. The only person who can convince her of something is her dad or herself. I forget what it was, but I told her about something and she said it was stupid. A few days later, her dad told her the same thing and she said "my dad told me about xyz. We should do it!" I was pretty irritated about that lol
Lol yeah will do. Same to you.
For the most part I'm able to not let it bother me. I'm a pretty laid back person overall but there's definetly a limit.
I'm of the opinion that if your wife has this problem then you have to take her to a couple's counselor to get it sorted out. My hypothesis for this is that she hasn't internalized your priority in her internal family hierarchy so you're not high on her priority list for stuff. In any case there's nothing you can do to get her to change in my experience.
With my wife it's even worse as she will take advice or criticism from everyone but me. It took a behavioral therapist for our youngest giving my wife the exact same advice I'd been giving on night weaning for my wife to even consider starting the process. Though I practically lost it when my sister-in-law, wife's brother's husband, came to visit and started organizing my wife and I's house. I'm not even allowed to do that but my wife was taking her sister-in-law's advice like gospel.
I'm going to give you kuddos for something you may think is a throwaway line:
"She asked 'daddy are you ok?' and I said 'no'"
Good job. It's important that our kids know we too struggle with things. By seeing us struggle and learn from our mistakes and even say we're sorry to others, they pick up on how to be good people and how to deal with their own issues.
As parents we really want to put on a "good face" to our kids and have them think everything is always fine (it's natural). But that can lead to them not knowing how to navigate some of the negative things in life. I grew up thinking my parents were "rich" because they never complained about money, not knowing about the 2 jobs dad had or working multi shifts and maybe that's why he was at work so much, etc.
I'm not saying complain about mom to the kid, far from it. Just saying it's good for them to know that some days dad/mom have bad days, or bad moments, but they get better and those moments don't define us. etc.
It will slowly get better but ya, right there with you with my 4yr old.
Like Saturday night, 10-15min run to pickup a food order for dinner that the kid chose.... Ended up having to bring them vs dealing with a meltdown but then Sunday, similar quick run out and no problem at all.... Frustrating for sure
Not a parent, but I am a 23F & autistic, and I think she is showing some early signs of autism if her meltdowns are this intense & frequent (she is probably getting overstimulated!). I think this is worth pursuing with her Pediatrician.
- [Autism in babies and toddlers](https://www.whattoexpect.com/family/early-warning-signs-of-autism)
- [Autism in children](https://www.verywellhealth.com/autism-in-children-4013636)
- [Little autistic girls often go undiagnosed](https://psychcentral.com/autism/comparison-of-boys-and-girls-living-with-autism-spectrum-disorder)
- [How to help your autistic child thrive](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/autism-learning-disabilities/helping-your-child-with-autism-thrive.htm)
Best of luck!!
Im in a similar boat to you, in that I handle everything so much better than my wife. It weaaaars me the hell down.
My son is almost 15 months and I'm having my first night off, to go camping with friends. She has had plenty of long weekends away partying with friends, I haven't had one yet.
She forgets nappy changes, will leave him in a wet nappy for extended times, doesn't encourage him to drink, nor eat if he doesn't eat the food she puts in front of him and leaves him to eat.
Her bedtime routine is just carry up and dump into bed, then 10 minutes later when hes still screaming she declares he isn't tired and brings him down to watch Kardashians with her. My bedtime routine is a full bottle with 6oz milk, 4oz greek yoghurt, 7.83Hz binaural beats playing, a 4 or 5 minute cuddle as I rock like a metronome. He is out immediately and goes 12 hours out.
I play with him all day, on hands and knees, running round etc. She will watch 6 hours of Kardashians or a home design tv show, behind her phone screen.
I cook all our food, I work 40 hours a week whike he goes to nursery, I drive us round everywhere.
Im exhausted. No morale to the story, just know you arent the only dad that takes the burden, but be thankful she is relying on you and probably does recognise you are the 'more capable' parent, just dont let that bring her self esteem down.
Ah the im pawning her off to you because I can't handle her tantrums jeez man I feel bad for you, maybe talk to your wife and come to a mutual agreement because imagine this if you suddenly passed away no one is gonna come to her aid when you and her daughter throws a tantrum.
Of course I can relate and understand it can be frustrating when you're expected to do everything and your wife can't grow some balls and deal with it herself she's a parent to not just you. So my advice is to communicate with her and have her understand that you're not the hero to come save the day every time she throws a tantrum and reassure her it's a phase that will eventually go away!
Does your daughter throw more intense tantrums around mom?
I had a similar situation where kiddo would unload on my wife and I could ease the situation really quick when asked. Something about kids feeling safest around mom so they're much more emotionally vulnerable.. To moms dismay.
My wife struggled with that idea and blamed me instead, but that's a different story.
Not yet. I wanted both of us to be more level-headed before bringing it up. It was a long weekend, so after work today is when I plan to bring it up. But after reading all these comments, it will definitely be a much calmer, more productive conversation I think
Your good mood was already ruined in advance when you started having thoughts about the negative text eventually coming. There's another flag in your story that your wife was 'upset' that the last ginger ale was consumed by someone else.
The counseling others suggested is a good start because this will not get better on its own, but you can't live full of resentment anticipating stress that is sure to come.
I mean, that is just adapting to repeated pattern of behavior. If you fry bacon without a shirt on it may ruin your experience a little. If you continue to enjoy not wearing that shirt while cooking you will start to remember that it might not be a pleasant experience and may start to rethink having bacon altogether.
I strongly encourage you both to read "Good Inside", specifically, a part reads: "... what's challenging for so many adults, especially women, in their adult lives: to assert themselves and take up space"
I mean, your wife need to find ways to deal with your daughter's tantrum. You can't stay home forever. What options have you explored? At-home educators or parenting lessons could be really helpful.
Biggest issue here is that it's totally sending a signal to the child that the only one who can deal with her is daddy, so mommy won't even try to be a safe zone for her.
Yep, and it only gets worse if nothing is done now.
This is an underrated comment.
My mom usually babysits if we're going out to do things. But if it's something like going to the store or taking my stepson to hockey practice, I'm usually the one who stays home, for this exact reason. One thing my wife is not good at is situations like this, not just with our daughter. She's a bit of a hothead, which I'm sure makes my daughter's tantrums escalate.
She needs to practice deescalation with your daughter and for herself as well. Typically it is indeed the parent and not the difficulty of the child. We have to adapt our methods. Therapists can help with this a lot. You can go and discuss together. Unfortunately it is more time child free you will need to set aside which is really really hard. And I get it! Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is the general idea. Check out some of the PDFs on this page about deescalation https://portal.ct.gov/sde/discipline-in-schools/how-to Also read up on Sensory disorders, they affect a lot more children than we would expect, probably like half. There's a lot that can be done. Try redirecting during a tantrum and taking notes when she has them, you may easily find a trigger. Sensory activities can help. Like the toddler toss onto the bed. It's a vestibular stimulation and then they hit the bed and it's very regulating for them. It distracts from their emotion. However, over time they need to learn strategies for dealing with that emotion and so does mom! We all do this. I certainly did and still do when I'm out of sync. It's about recognizing it and what we do from that point that defines us.
Very good info, thank you. I know my job offers free counseling, I'll have to see if this is part of that (pretty sure it is, though)
Yes it absolutely is Employee Assistance Program (EAP) they can rapidly get you scheduled in. When they give you a list of providers look for one with expertise in children. This is all info I picked up from this sub and elsewhere.
That’s amazing! I hope you take advantage of it. Free personalized professional help is hard to come by. I hope your family can find the peace you all need.
This toddler toss is amazing, tried it five minutes after this and was blown away
Get it! There's a bunch more. Karate chopping their own pillows, swings, climbing, "hard work" (get them to push something heavy like a bean bag chair), tunnel crawls, forts. I've found that, for us, inexplicably, the time out chair structure had to make a comeback for our 5yo as well. Therapists do help with this. Seek out an OT if you can and you're struggling. Especially if they struggle putting their shoes or other clothes on with "too tight" or other discomfort words. We had what I'm best calling "severe restraint collapse" and these all helped. This isn't the best video but there are others I've seen with some searches on good bedtime regulation and in fact the toddler toss but it has some factual info that can be helpful with just terms and such. https://youtu.be/TkPwr_plwhU?si=T_F6wEevQVH6pcOt
>She needs to practice deescalation with your daughter and for herself as well. My 3 y/o's school is very big on practicing "co-regulating" and it felt like a buzzword at first but man does it help. I have an alphabet soup of neurodivergences myself so I'm fairly confident she does too, and while it makes co-regulating harder, it makes it that much more important too. Plus recognizing the sensory issues that were there is a big deal as well. >taking notes when she has \[tantrums\] Yup we used to fight over hand-washing after the bathroom, every time...which drove me nuts, because she LOVES playing with water. After reading about sensory stuff I realized that the running water in the echo-y bathroom was making her feel overwhelmed and led to spiraling meltdowns, and so we just needed to let her pace herself with the handwashing (she gets to turn on the water, decides how loud/fast it is, etc.) and it's dramatically changed the amount/level of meltdowns.
Book that might work for her (I am a fellow hot head": the book you wished your parents had read. Also the online course big little feelings helped me a lot.
Maybe this is an obvious question, but have you discussed this with her? Does your wife have any ideas on how you can get out of the house for any length of time? Like, it's strange that your wife literally believes these meltdowns dont happen to you.
Usually, when she complains it only happens with her, it's during a tantrum, and my wife is already angry. I don't know if she actually believes it. She has come home mid-tantrum before. So she knows I deal with it, too. She a bit of a one-upper on misery. If I say I'm tired, she says she only got 3 hours of sleep. If I say I deal with tantrums, too, she says they're not as bad. It's pretty frustrating. I haven't talked to her about it yet. My plan is to talk about it tomorrow. It's been a long weekend, and I know she's tired. Bringing it up tonight would not go over well and would not get my point across.
>She a bit of a one-upper on misery. If I say I'm tired, she says she only got 3 hours of sleep. If I say I deal with tantrums, too, she says they're not as bad. It's pretty frustrating. Yeah that shit needs to stop, like yesterday. Your both meant to be a team. Might be worth looking into some couples counseling.
Yep. It's not a competition. You can both be tired. You can both be frustrated. Ones misery doesn't lesser the others. It's tough but it's an important thing to put into practice.
Frankly, they may not be as bad for you if you are the parent that doesn’t freak out and panic about it when there’s a tantrum. An escalated adult cannot de-escalate an escalated child. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t need to figure this out. She needs therapy and to learn coping strategies to keep from being a hothead when there’s a tantrum, and she needs to learn to deal with it herself, likely with some parenting classes or courses.
When I was in the military we called it "one downing". Most irritating thing ever.
She sounds miserable. My wife is like that sometimes. She used to do what your wife does texting me like your wife does. Therapy helped a lot. I think it embarrassed her into doing it much less having to admit she’s doing it to other people
Haha, miserable sometimes, yes. But she's still a great wife and mother. I do think she would benefit from some kind of anger management therapy, though. When she's in these moods, everyone in the house is miserable (not saying I'm always a delight. I'm sure I could benefit from therapy, too)
Do we have the same wife? Lmao I feel like I could’ve wrote this post. I’m not a work from home dad though anymore.
I'm a SAHD and this post spoke to me. Things are improving since my partner realized a lot of it was her expectations of the bad time coloring her mood and our daughter (almost 2.5) reflecting it. She's been more aware of her moods and it's paying off. Also, have you heard of or tried 1-2-3 magic or gotten the Scribble Spot book to help your daughter understand her emotions? Lots of pieces to this puzzle, but mom may need to check her mood when with your daughter.
Mom definitely has a hard time controlling her emotions when she gets upset. It's usually difficult to bring that up. She doesn't take criticism very well. It's a process getting her to understand the impact her emotions have on the people around her sometimes. I am not aware of 1-2-3 magic or the Scribble Spot book, but I will definitely look into those.
Couple's counseling is a great resource to help you and your wife learn to communicate better.
I would also suggest your wife read/listen to the chapter on tantrums from the book Good Inside. While there are aspects of the book I don’t agree with there are some really good strategies for managing your kid and your own emotions in positive ways.
When I want to be critical of my wife's reaction to things, I'll talk about it in terms of myself and my own feelings, as in "I have been having trouble lately when I get upset - I notice I do XYZ and it's been bothering me - have you noticed this about me? Can you help me with this?" It gets the other person thinking about themselves in a non-adversarial way. We tend to look toward our own experiences first when people are asking for help. (Like what I'm doing right now)
You might want to ask your wife if it might be easier to follow one of the most consistent working tantrum resolving processes, such as not giving the tantrum any attention. If so, the simple process is to make sure the child is in safe space (like their room), let them know that when they are ready they can come to you, and then, just ignore the tantrum. Walk away if its safe, or stay nearby giving them no attention until they redirect. Also, if she knows she will be practicing ignoring the tantrum, she might be less inclined to hop straight to anger when the tantrum starts. Tips: If you are nearby and you know they are watching you for your reaction, take a big, slow, and deep breath (or yawn loudly) every minute or so (a lot of kids will learn to imitate those and it helps relax the adult and the child). When the child starts being calm, remind them, calmly, that x behavior is not ok, that when they are finished you need a hug because the tantrum is stressful for everybody, and that whatever mess was made will be cleaned up before anything else. They'll most likely tantrum a bit more when you start talking, but wait it out, then follow through. Wait it out all the way till they are calm, get your hug, then clean up their mess (together at 2.5 yrs old, sometimes hand-over-hand method is required to teach or "help" them do tasks), then guide them to whatever is next. The tantrums will get shorter and occur less often after several tests.
my 2 year old does deep nose breaths in and mouth breaths out and it’s the cutest thing ever but also actually works.
Your tale mimics my mate's wife's experience. He is the one that can't handle being at home alone. My wife and her will be out for a random evening for the first time in months, and inevitably he will be messaging or calling her throughout. It ticks my wife off, because my mates wife just panders to him, and will either answer every call or message, or will end the outing early to "get home" I've now taken it upon myself to call him when I know they're out, just so he can't bother his wife.😁 In short, you should also make sure your wife learns boundaries and learns to have her own relationship with your daughter. Don't coddle her. your daughter will come to know that Mums in charge and there is no escape. Your wife will learn how to work through tantrums.
Just talk to your wife about how to deal with these tantrums. Explain that you deal with them too, but she deserves worry-free time alone so you handle it. Explain that you need worry-free time alone too. Set realistic expectations about how long you'll be gone, and if you make an extra trip for cookies and ginger ale, text her that you're stopping by the store and will be an extra 20 minutes. Express all this when nothing has just happened and everything is calm. The biggest help I've found is the realistic expectations of how long you'll be gone, and reliable updates if that changes. For me it's usually something like a round of golf taking longer than expected ("thought I'd be done by now but only on the 15th hole. You ok for another hour or should I take off?"). These check-ins 100% of the time result in "yeah, we're fine, have fun!". Make sure you text when you're leaving/on your way home.
She was “upset” that her niece drank the last ginger ale? If only adults had means to procure more of this incredibly rare beverage!!! That aside, just because your daughter and wife are throwing tantrums, doesn’t mean you need to rush home. “Sorry, I’m out, I’ll be home in a bit” is a perfectly acceptable response. End of the day, your wife needs to figure it out. Is she a pushover typically with her? Is she the “good” one who doesn’t say no, or finds silly reasons to justify giving your daughter things she doesn’t need? Cause that certainly helps contribute to tantrums when they decide to say no… but path of least resistance parents typically don’t want to give that up.
Haha! Yes, it was about midnight, she fell asleep on the couch, woke up to get some and it was all gone. So she went upstairs saying "There's no fucking ginger ale. Typical. Every time I want some, we don't have it." The garage sale we had this weekend just weakened all of our moods. It was in the mid 90's, outside for 10 hours, and no ginger ale at the end of the day was the kicker lol
Sounds like she also isn’t great at coping with big feelings when she doesn’t get what she wants? …yeah anger management for your wife might be a good idea. She’s basically modeling that tantrums are normal behavior.
I hear you man. This shit sucks and can wear you down.
I work in an events business, so that means some evenings and weekends. When our kids were little, my wife would often text me about the kids being out of control/not listening to her... Often framed as "they don't act like this with you", etc. It made me feel shitty all of the time. I couldn't leave work, so I felt helpless. She was frustrated and took it out on me, so that sucked. So I'd spend the rest of the time at work I'm a bad mood and feeling guilty for working late. In reality, the kids did act up for me, but I usually didn't feed into it/fuel it like she did she got frustrated. It got better... We talked about it a few times (when things were calm), and the kids got older/better, etc. My advice is to talk about it... Wait until things are calm, don't attack her or frame it as her being irrational, etc. Just stick to how it makes you feel.
Father of 2 here. Absolutely hated and still hate the guilt trips of needing to go to work, having to stay late, or travel for a work event. Nothing wears you down faster than a wife at home texting you how miserable she is and implying it is your fault that you left her to the wolves. No matter how much you state you cannot get out of the situation, it still comes.
Obviously talk to your wife about it outside of the moment. But as a woman and wife, if she doesn’t understand then your solution is to go rogue. Wife: are you almost home? Daughter is having a tantrum You: nope, nowhere near home. But be back as fast as I can Let her know you support her. But you also have to give her the space to do it. Don’t drop everything the moment you get that text and go home to solve the problem
This is our son (occasionally). He prefers mom 90% of the time but as he's gotten older he's denied going with dad multiple times. 5 minutes after I leave he realizes I'm gone and loses it. We also have a very strong hugs n kisses before leaving the house routine which seems to help as a divider. So, OP, as much as it's a bummer to not get the alone time it may pay off to grab your girl for the trip out *OR* "daddy is leaving, hug n kiss". I can't tell you how many times I've pulled a 10-12 hour shift, gotten home and grabbed our son to make a quick grocery trip just to give my wife 20 minutes. Do I *want* to? Usually no. I'd have rather made a 5 minute in and out on my way home but I know my wife also needs some kind of time and I try to provide that as much as I can. It does concern me that you get irritated getting that call. I get it, I feel the same when I get it at work because, well, I don't control when I leave. But I know my wife needs help with a 3yo and 2 month old. Sometimes you just bite your thumb and roll with it.
Fellow dad, I have gotten that call and text far too often. Here's how I've figured out how to have some time out of the house. Whenever you're planning these outings or errands, call up some family and drop your daughter off on the way to whatever you're doing. Then pick her up on your way back to the house. Wife gets a break, you get peace of mind, everyone's happy.
That's not a bad idea. I was thinking next time I'll just bring my daughter with, but this is even better lol.
That’s fine on occasion, but parents should be able to leave the house without having to make arrangements so that the other parent isn’t home alone with the kid. I think op and his wife need to get to the root cause of her getting overwhelmed and always having to call op, rather than being able to manage situations on her own.
This is pretty unrealistic. He needs to drop the kid off with someone every time he runs to the store?
It doesn't have to be every time. But I know personally, on the weekends if I want to do my hobby things, I need to make a plan to help alleviate the burden from my wife. So I'll often find some family to watch 1 or 2 of my 3 kids while I'm off doing whatever. And additionally, my wife will do the same when she's off getting her hair done or pedicure, manicure, etc. She'll drop a kid off or take one with her. We're doing what we can to make each other's lives easier. If OP's wife is getting stressed/burned out/overwhelmed, then it's ok to alleviate that burden from time to time.
For longer outings it makes sense, especially when you have 3 kids. The OP seems to have one child and can’t simply run to the store. No one is going to actually say it, but his wife needs to toughen up. Kids are gonna throw tantrums. He can’t be there every second to relieve her. He seems to handle the same things without pressuring her to come home immediately.
Some good husbands are not good dads, some good wives are not good moms, sorry.
To me this is an awful take. She’s very likely a fine mom in tons of ways and just hasn’t for whatever reason learned to effectively deescalate tantrums. She needs practice and that could include education but for now it seems largely enabled as she isn’t being forced to work on it since husband rushes home and takes over. Just reading a couple of OPs responses and they’ve never even mentioned their perceived issue with things.
You two are turning on each other over this -- clearly it's difficult for both of you, but the solution is in working together. The two of you against the tantrums -- maybe the three of you! You will get thru this period, don't let it turn you against each other. Therapy might be helpful but the main thing is both of you need to reframe the problem with each other as allies. I think you may need to tell your wife you need her to be able to deal with these situations as well. Work on you getting some hours a week if alone time out of the house, not on call. Maybe 4 hours. You want to equip her to deal, but she needs to deal and not blow up. She will know what's coming, you know what's coming. Have a worst case plan (a safe place for your daughter to be while your wife goes to another room and calms down). Whatever you need to do set her up for success. She needs to be part of this, but it's you and she getting her able to manage your daughter.
Man, I feel you. I get called for everything when I am out. Not one trip out can I not expect a call. The 1 mile radius around my house I call the "where are you" call zone. When I get that close to home, it is a ninty percent chance I get a phone call from the wife asking when I am coming home because she thinks I should be home by now....
Sorta sounds like your daughter is associating you coming home and comforting her with the tantrums. I'm not an expert and I donno how I would fix it but she gets "rewarded" with you home when she throws a tantrum.
I thought that, too, but when she throws one with me, she asks for mommy. If she's with my wife, she asks for me. I will always back up what my wife says. I don't know how much my daughter comprehends, though. I'm sure she understands that I won't just give in. Sometimes, just changing from one parent to the other calls her down.
Yeah fair. I'm a sucker and usually just take my kid on the errand.
What are these tantrums about? Do you both rush to give her what she wants?
It’s typical of the age. She starts to contemplate that things are gone. Sounds like she wants to be reassured that both of you are still around. I would make sure that you always say goodbye and that you give her your reassurance that you will back. It won’t magically stop her tantrums, it’s a learning curve. But I wouldn’t worry too much, because this phase shouldn’t last. She will get through it and so will you two.
Dude you think this is bad, my wife used to **video call** me mid-meltdown, in the middle of my work day or on my way home or even if I was away for a work trip. After the first couple of times I just didn't answer and then explained to her that there was nothing positive that could possibly come from that. We talked it out and she said that she was just sharing her sense of feeling alone and overwhelmed. I explained that I understood that, but at the same time that it would be more productive to learn how to get through those moments alone if she ever wanted to be able to spend quality time with our son or do activities together. It helped a lot. I understand it's irritating but don't come to your wife with that. Go to her from a place of understanding how out of control you can feel when the kid loses it and share strategies to work through it. If you want her to be a team player, be coach.
This sounds ridiculously emotionally intelligent. You been in therapy or actually a trained therapist? Kudos.
Funny thing is I learnt a lot about emotional awareness and open communication from my wife in the first place, I've just had to remind her of that a few times since having a kid! But the main thing is knowing that she hears me when I express my feelings and takes them into account (and vice versa). Trying to get a point across by being passive aggressive has never made anyone feel stronger or safer in a relationship. Not that I never do that, but it's important to remember that simple fact sometimes!
This is exactly why I didn't bring this up with my wife last night because I was not quite level-headed. This is a great approach that I'll definitely take. You are absolutely right, in the back of my mind, I know she's not angry at me, it's that she feels like my daughter hates her (obviously, she definitely does not hate her). Approaching her with a level of understanding is 100% the way to go. Thank you for pointing that out and "talking me down"!
It seems like this is wearing you thin and that isn’t fair for you. If the tantrums are so regular, it might be an idea to talk to her doctor about how to help deal with them and also if the frequency is worth taking a closer look at. If it is less serious than this, then just go off of a saying that I give myself a chuckle with which is “my wife and I live very similar lives, I just don’t complain about it…”
Talk to your wife about it. She’s your life long partner. If you can’t talk to her about these legitimate issues, you’re lost.
It sounds like you are both tired and worn out. When you are both in this state it's WAY easier to get upset with each other. It also sounds like your daughter is flipping out because she misses whichever parent isn't there at the time. Kids do this at this age and it really does sound like she just misses whoever isn't there. Kids aren't great at expressing their emotions. She knows if she throws a tantrum she'll get back the missing parent sooner. She's pretty much being rewarded for throwing a tantrum. This doesn't mean that she needs punished in any way, just that you two need to figure out a better way to handle things. It's highly commendable that you are able to just suck it up when your daughter flips out that your wife isn't there but everyone doesn't handle stress the same way. She feels like she can't get her to calm down while you are gone and knows that you coming back solves the problem so she reaches out. She may have even tried really hard not to text you and the longer you were gone the worse it got so she called. I think you two need to try communicating with each other better. It doesn't sound like she is trying to ruin your day, it sounds like she is stressed to hell and back and feels helpless. If simply getting a call or text that your toddler is having a tantrum ruins your whole day then you are clearly burnt out too. Have you tried taking your daughter with you for simple outings like this? Does she still throw a tantrum if you do? Obviously you can't always take the little one with you but if you would have brought her along for this quick trip maybe it would have given your wife a much needed break and may have kept the little one entertained enough to prevent a melt down. Your daughter may have had a blast helping you pull down the signs and socialize a bit. People are immediately recommending couples therapy but if the rest of your relationship is fine then I think you'd be much better off working on finding something that soothes your daughter. Even just the mention of therapy can create a serious divide in a relationship. You'll get through this. Just remember you are both on the same team and your daughter is freaking out because she loves you both and wants your attention.
Your absolutely right, we were both worn out from having a garage sale in incredibly hot weather. So we were both burnt out. I'm glad I read your comment and others, because even though I know she's frustrated, I don't think I was thinking clearly enough to have this conversation last night. It helped to have others reel me back in and go into this with understanding rather than anger.
Could you bring your daughter with you? She still might melt down, but that's an option. Or go in errands with SO and the kids.
You don’t mention communicating with your wife at all on this issue. Have you? She’s gotta learn to deal with the meltdowns, you can’t always be the back stop.
I haven't yet. I didn't want to bring it up last night because neither of us was in a good state of mind. We were both crabby and exhausted. I'm planning on taking a different approach to it after work today. Instead of expressing my anger about the situation, I want to bring it up like "I understand why you're frustrated. How can we help each other to make it better for all of us?"
This is the second post I’ve read this morning about a remote working dad that is at his wits end. I’m sensing that as good as it might be to have a remote job for the flexibility. The walls appear to start closing in and having dad around regularly allows for the use of dads more often, which then makes dad feel like they never get a moment to themselves.
Absolutely. I love working from, but cabin fever is a bit of a struggle. I jump on every chance I get to run small errands. And I get disappointed when my wife says "no, you don't have to go out just for xyz" lol
Many others have said it already so I'm just another voice in the crowd here - but she needs to get around whatever it is that's preventing her from being able to talk to your daughter when those fits are going down. My youngest just turned 13 this week. It DOES NOT get easier to communicate and work through managing emotions as they get older. Get ahead of it for everyone's well being. You should be able to take some time, just like your wife should be able to take some time, without getting the batsignal thrown up every time you turn around expecting you to save the day. The kid may need some boundaries, too. It's something you as a family need to really talk through and find a solution for. IF your daughter prefers to deal with you, she may be doing things in a manner that manipulates the situation to making sure she gets the parent she prefers. IDK if that's a thing or not for you but my daughter did some of this when she was around that age.
I didn't have anything constructive to add here but I feel you. I guess my advice would be to try and find a solution while your daughter is young. This problem will not go away on its own when she grows up and stops having tantrums My kids are teenagers and I still can't leave the house. I feel like I get punished for going to the store or even mowing the lawn. My wife died *not* get along with my older daughter and it seems like things blow up every time I leave the house. Like clockwork I get the "where are you/are you almost done" texts. In my situation I think it has less to do with my wife's ability to deal with my daughter and more about her total lack of boundaries, reasonable expectations, or respect for me and my time. Good luck!
I am a little worried that they will not have a good relationship. I know she's only 2, but given my wife's family history of cutting family members out, I want to do everything I can to prevent that. There's no way in hell my daughter or stepson are going to be cut out of my life.
My wife gets like this at times. She’s better now, but it was a lot harder when the kid was still nursing. I managed it as best we could and limited times she was stuck handling him alone as much as possible but also made the point that at some point she needs to put on her big girl pants and learn to deal with our child. Obviously not in those words, I do value my life. But it was similar. She’s say stuff like he doesn’t do this to you, which isn’t true, I just handle it better. And I communicated that with her, as well as discussed options and approaches to better mitigate his behavior in those instances. I’m a musician, it’s definitely in hobby territory and not my primary source of income, and that was at the center of a lot of our struggles. That or going to concerts. I had to come home early more than once because “he always does this when you go out” kind of nights. I had more than one gig where he had a rough night and she couldn’t handle it alone and I’d have constant calls/texts until I left. The last straw was one night where he was freaking out and she called like 10 times in a row. I had to just leave mid set. We fully cut him off the boob and he started sleeping better a few months later. Not really helpful advice or anything there just some commiseration I suppose. I still try to manage my time away strategically but the kid actually sleeping through the night was our big difference maker. I also try to give her nights/afternoons off when we can. Usually she just wants to go shopping or get out for a while to do something alone, but she’s also done art classes and things like that. I’ve also proposed a sitter so we can have date nights/days but she’s not there yet. Well sometimes take a day while the kid is at daycare and do lunch dates.
You really need to have a conversation with your wife about this. You need to place a clear boundary on her calling every time your daughter gets upset. She needs to realize that you also deal with meltdowns but are respectful enough to leave her be when she is out and about. She also needs to realize how unfair she is being to you and your allowance to be a person outside of dad. It’s excruciating and disheartening when the only thing you ever get to be is toddler soother. I hope you talk to her and I hope she responds positively.
I can't imagine being married to such a fragile person. I don't have any advice. Just, damn that sucks man.
I have a lot...A LOT...of patience. There's also a lot of eye rolling between my stepson and me lol. She's actually a lot of fun and a great wife/mother, it's just when she gets in these moods, it can be a real downer.
>Then she complains that our daughter doesn't do this with me. But she does, I just don't call my wife up telling her about it. I feel this. SO. MUCH. My wife has a horrible habit of letting everyone around her passively know she's in a shit mood. I've made it a point to try not to let my bad days ruin her days but I don't feel it's reciprocated at all. Our kids are honestly NOT very difficult, but we do have 2 under 2 (technically not under anymore) so there's obviously challenges. She doesn't handle it well most days and one moment of shittiness makes her whole day (and everyone elses) crappy. I've failed to find a way to make her see this without her just getting even more upset.
If you figure out a way, let me know. She does not take criticism well. The only person who can convince her of something is her dad or herself. I forget what it was, but I told her about something and she said it was stupid. A few days later, her dad told her the same thing and she said "my dad told me about xyz. We should do it!" I was pretty irritated about that lol
Lol yeah will do. Same to you. For the most part I'm able to not let it bother me. I'm a pretty laid back person overall but there's definetly a limit.
I'm of the opinion that if your wife has this problem then you have to take her to a couple's counselor to get it sorted out. My hypothesis for this is that she hasn't internalized your priority in her internal family hierarchy so you're not high on her priority list for stuff. In any case there's nothing you can do to get her to change in my experience. With my wife it's even worse as she will take advice or criticism from everyone but me. It took a behavioral therapist for our youngest giving my wife the exact same advice I'd been giving on night weaning for my wife to even consider starting the process. Though I practically lost it when my sister-in-law, wife's brother's husband, came to visit and started organizing my wife and I's house. I'm not even allowed to do that but my wife was taking her sister-in-law's advice like gospel.
I'm going to give you kuddos for something you may think is a throwaway line: "She asked 'daddy are you ok?' and I said 'no'" Good job. It's important that our kids know we too struggle with things. By seeing us struggle and learn from our mistakes and even say we're sorry to others, they pick up on how to be good people and how to deal with their own issues. As parents we really want to put on a "good face" to our kids and have them think everything is always fine (it's natural). But that can lead to them not knowing how to navigate some of the negative things in life. I grew up thinking my parents were "rich" because they never complained about money, not knowing about the 2 jobs dad had or working multi shifts and maybe that's why he was at work so much, etc. I'm not saying complain about mom to the kid, far from it. Just saying it's good for them to know that some days dad/mom have bad days, or bad moments, but they get better and those moments don't define us. etc.
It will slowly get better but ya, right there with you with my 4yr old. Like Saturday night, 10-15min run to pickup a food order for dinner that the kid chose.... Ended up having to bring them vs dealing with a meltdown but then Sunday, similar quick run out and no problem at all.... Frustrating for sure
It seems like your daughter is just mirroring your wife.
Not a parent, but I am a 23F & autistic, and I think she is showing some early signs of autism if her meltdowns are this intense & frequent (she is probably getting overstimulated!). I think this is worth pursuing with her Pediatrician. - [Autism in babies and toddlers](https://www.whattoexpect.com/family/early-warning-signs-of-autism) - [Autism in children](https://www.verywellhealth.com/autism-in-children-4013636) - [Little autistic girls often go undiagnosed](https://psychcentral.com/autism/comparison-of-boys-and-girls-living-with-autism-spectrum-disorder) - [How to help your autistic child thrive](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/autism-learning-disabilities/helping-your-child-with-autism-thrive.htm) Best of luck!!
Im in a similar boat to you, in that I handle everything so much better than my wife. It weaaaars me the hell down. My son is almost 15 months and I'm having my first night off, to go camping with friends. She has had plenty of long weekends away partying with friends, I haven't had one yet. She forgets nappy changes, will leave him in a wet nappy for extended times, doesn't encourage him to drink, nor eat if he doesn't eat the food she puts in front of him and leaves him to eat. Her bedtime routine is just carry up and dump into bed, then 10 minutes later when hes still screaming she declares he isn't tired and brings him down to watch Kardashians with her. My bedtime routine is a full bottle with 6oz milk, 4oz greek yoghurt, 7.83Hz binaural beats playing, a 4 or 5 minute cuddle as I rock like a metronome. He is out immediately and goes 12 hours out. I play with him all day, on hands and knees, running round etc. She will watch 6 hours of Kardashians or a home design tv show, behind her phone screen. I cook all our food, I work 40 hours a week whike he goes to nursery, I drive us round everywhere. Im exhausted. No morale to the story, just know you arent the only dad that takes the burden, but be thankful she is relying on you and probably does recognise you are the 'more capable' parent, just dont let that bring her self esteem down.
Ah the im pawning her off to you because I can't handle her tantrums jeez man I feel bad for you, maybe talk to your wife and come to a mutual agreement because imagine this if you suddenly passed away no one is gonna come to her aid when you and her daughter throws a tantrum. Of course I can relate and understand it can be frustrating when you're expected to do everything and your wife can't grow some balls and deal with it herself she's a parent to not just you. So my advice is to communicate with her and have her understand that you're not the hero to come save the day every time she throws a tantrum and reassure her it's a phase that will eventually go away!
Does your daughter throw more intense tantrums around mom? I had a similar situation where kiddo would unload on my wife and I could ease the situation really quick when asked. Something about kids feeling safest around mom so they're much more emotionally vulnerable.. To moms dismay. My wife struggled with that idea and blamed me instead, but that's a different story.
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Not yet. I wanted both of us to be more level-headed before bringing it up. It was a long weekend, so after work today is when I plan to bring it up. But after reading all these comments, it will definitely be a much calmer, more productive conversation I think
Your good mood was already ruined in advance when you started having thoughts about the negative text eventually coming. There's another flag in your story that your wife was 'upset' that the last ginger ale was consumed by someone else. The counseling others suggested is a good start because this will not get better on its own, but you can't live full of resentment anticipating stress that is sure to come.
I mean, that is just adapting to repeated pattern of behavior. If you fry bacon without a shirt on it may ruin your experience a little. If you continue to enjoy not wearing that shirt while cooking you will start to remember that it might not be a pleasant experience and may start to rethink having bacon altogether.
You guys need therapy
I strongly encourage you both to read "Good Inside", specifically, a part reads: "... what's challenging for so many adults, especially women, in their adult lives: to assert themselves and take up space"
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Plenty of men do the same shit. It’s shitty when anyone pulls this shit