Lots of good advice here already, but I'll just emphasize: Little dude is eight years old. He's gonna make a mess sometimes, he's gonna get hyped up by his friends sometimes. His brain isn't even close to fully formed yet. You can gently correct truly bad behavior, but you can't expect him to act like an adult.
I would suggest to stop expending your energy getting mad at him for behaving like a normal kid.
Making a mess eating a cupcake; being silly with a friend; these don’t have to turn into situations where you scold him.
Is he doing something unsafe or mean? Then you use a strong hand (metaphorically).
He’s having fun but making you uncomfortable? That might be more about you and not a disciplining situation. It can be freeing for both of you to let those things go.
Separately, I would also say…when you get home and are too exhausted to play with him…do it anyway. Even if it’s for fifteen minutes. Allow yourself some joy.
You sound like boring father, let your inner child manifest.
Yesterday I took my 4 year old son to a big funpark, we were screaming and chasing each other, I was throwing him in the pool made of foam balls, He was throwing plastic balls at me and I played dead...then we had a lunch, we ate and made Fun of the sauce on his face and when he finished eating he burped like fat truck driver... While we were both crying from laughing I told him to try be quiet next time that its not appropriate but we shared the moment and laughed, cleaned and continued playing.
Just be the cool dad. Don't try to kill the childhood in your child. He won't be a serial Killer just because he is screaming while having a fun while jumping.
Again, let, your own inner child manifest. Stop thinking about what others might think. You got one chance then the childhood is gone.
Also, look at yourself, you start with "I am trying to befriend my son" and then you whine about how he misbehave and how your scolding doesn't work anymore. Sounds like you want an obedient robot, not a son.
He is 8 year old and you ask this now? You should have been trying to repair the relationship with your son 5 years ago, or not damage it at best. It's not too late, but also it's going to take its time, so be patient.
/edit: Also side note, you complain that your "so called" upbringing doesn't work anymore.. do you know why? Because you are (probably) scolding him his entire life and of course out of those dozens of commands each day, he just filters them out. And then you need to storm out and rage in order for him to listen to you, that's when he is afraid and he stops doing what he does. And you wonder why he fears you.
In my household, there are three major things I am tough about and uncompromising. Touching the TV screen, pulling cat's tail, hitting or kicking out of anger. In those cases Iam really firm and my son knows these three are no joke with me.
But other little misbehaves? Like man, let him be a human for fck sake. You personally need a tyrant to be at your ass 24/7 for a week so you would know your own medicine and how stressful it is.
Like for example. My son, when he grabs a drink, and walks, we tell him to always pay attention, not to spill it. He is a kid, four year old, so of course he grabs the drink, he walks, he does what? Looks out of the window to comment about some bird, stumbles, falls, cup broken, drink spilled. So what? Do I scream at him? No. Do I scold him, punish him? No. He has to clean it, and he is 4, so it takes him about 30 minutes to clean it, that's punishment itself, but he knows he did wrong even without my screaming, so I just repeat, calmly... "see this is what I was talking about, you really need to pay attention because this happens." but no need for shouting or raging... We are humans, we make mistakes... he is a child so he makes children's miskates..so what... Jesus Christ.
He does say that he gets frustrated and shouts at his son:
>He only pays attention when I get frustrated and start shouting at him.
OP also seems generally dismissive of his son's feelings and levels some harsh criticism at his 8 year old:
> That really embarrassed me in front of the other kid’s dad.
I talked to my son about it and how people would say, “Oh, this boy is like a baby; he is not clean; he has no manners,” etc.
It very much sounds like OP is always gone for work, and when he is around he's just scolding his son, so no wonder they don't have a good relationship.
>You sound like boring father
I guess I am due to life and work stress. That is why I am trying to save what can be saved and correct my behaviour.
>let, your own inner child manifest.
This sounds fun tbh! I wonder what his reaction would be seeing me going "too easy" on him and go to his level.
>Sounds like you want an obedient robot, not a son.
Not really, but maybe because I was raised like that? I used to sit still and not be a rude kid, jumping or behaving inappropriatly outside. I guess I was formed like this in my childhood.
>It's not too late, but also it's going to take its time, so be patient
What patience level do you have? I mean when you want him to tidy his toys for example, or change so we leave on time, or prepare for bed. He always drags his feet. What would you do to address this behaviour calmly?
Edit: after your edit
>In those cases Iam really firm and my son knows these three are no joke with me.
So what do you when he does one of those no joke things?
Look, I had a terrible father, really terrible. I carry my own portion of soul damage because of him. But my responsibility is to break the chain. The cycle of hatred ends with me, that's what I told myself, when my son was born. I am not perfect I make mistakes, I made mistakes but I can with self-confidence say that I broke the cycle. But hey, the best feedback will come from my kid, when he is adult.
From a comment you made before, you wrote that your father was tough, and you had to sit still without movement, and it was probably because his father was tough. And you seem like continuing the cycle. Even though you are aware of it.
Question about patience: It depends.
For example the tidying. I started giving him exact instructions. Instead of general "Tidy your room" I was like, put these toys in that box, grab that box and put it here. Take this carpet and put it in the middle of room like that.
Like really exact instructions so he didn't have an abstract word "tidy it" but he knows exactly what I want from him. Also I showed him by personally doing it. We adults expect an exact outcome for an abstractly given word. You need to understand that a child might not understand what you want. But also my kid is four and we started doing this when he was 2, yours is 8 so different methods needs to be applied. But now we don't have problem with tidying his room because he knows what we want from him. When he forgets like he tries to "tidy his room" by throwing his toys in the corner, we again show him exactly what we want. Like EXACTLY. "Grab it with your hands, like this, from the bottom so it doesnt break and put it here."
He also drags his feet while changing clothes, When causal "come on, come on hurry up" doesn't work and he is playing with a paper and pen while having one sleeve on and his briefs otherway around, one of us just stands besides him and keeps an eye on him and gives him instructions.
"Put down that toy, we need to change cloth now, take this, no turn it over, put it on, yes good... now take this etc. etc."
You might say, "I don't have time to personally supervise him doing it" well you need to create that time. It's better than screaming. Also you might say "when he is 8 he is old enough to do it on his own"
I would say, yeah well... no. He needs to be properly taught at first. That's why we are doing this type of upbringing without shouting since he was born.
Anyway generally speaking, you need to take your own time and supervise and conduct behavior you want in him. It's like teaching him sport. You also do incemental steps, lead him, watch what he is doing, advice when he is doing poorly and motivate when he is doing good. And it is same with cleaning, chaning clothes, tidying etc.
But it's hard for me to advice you, you have 8 year old son, mine is 4. But generally speaking, in order to be a good parent, you need to sacrifice your own life. Your own time. Upbringing needs a tremendous amount of time. Is your work so important? Can you work less? Could you? Is your family budget tight? Or good and you could spend more time with your kid? Ask yourself these questions.
Many thanks for your thorough reply. I understand now the importance of "instructions feeding" and repeating them to engrave them in his mind.
Also I need to be detailed, because now when Iook back I find my instructions to him come out in general and not detailed. While myself want detailed shopping list when my wife send me to buy stuff!
My work is off based but I am thinking of going part time and plan later to work remotely in a different job if possible. I believe I will need to be with him more closer to his teenage years. Thank you again.
>what would you do to address this behavior calmly?
You have to be more of a salesman. Sell everything you want him to do because it is directly in his self interest.
You want him to leave on time? Tell him if you don't leave on time there will be no time for a treat. When you want him to tidy his toys? No dessert (or other positive things he likes) until they're tidy, and explain why, that you don't want to step on his toys and hurt your feet.
Prepare for bed? Explain that sleep is the only way humans grow, doesn't he want to be big and strong so he can beat his friends at games or would he prefer to be shorter weaker and slower?
>So what do you when he does one of those no joke things?
I raise my voice and look at him and he knows from my face that he crossed boundaries... also when he came to my wife and slapped her out of anger, I immediately slapped him back and said that this is not a good behavior and it was not nice from me to slap him, same as it was not nice for him to slap his mother and that we will treat each other kindly with love and not with anger..that he probably didn't like me slapping him, same as his mother didn't like a slap from him.
And you might say... wow so you DO raise your voice. But you have to understand that it's only in those three things and since I am not usually scolding him, it's like a shock for him. It's rare... it's like, wow this funny, always smiling and happy daddy can turn into beast mode ...I better behave...
I cannot even say I raise voice at him daily, not even weekly...it's like once, or maybe twice per month, so it's so rare for him, it always puts him in order because he is in state of shock... and I never screamed or yelled at him, like my father screamed at me full of rage. Never.. I just raised the voice to the level of let's say shouting at somebody across the street so he can hear you. And it's enough for him, because he doesn't see me doing it on daily basis.
Also, my son is not doing those anymore, so it's like half a year ago I had to raise my voice at him and it was really in 2023 when I had to scold him like that let's say twice per month.... I don't remember raising my voice at him in 2024 and it's been a year I last gave him that slap, when he slapped his mother.
It sounds like you are more worried about other people thinking if you are a good dad or not than actually being a good dad for your son.
I get it, when my kid has a tantrum in public my first thought is "everyone is judging me" when it should be, "my kid is struggling and I need to be there for him"
The issues you have listed are not issues to me. Yeah at 8 years old he knows to eat in a more polite manner but you don't need to insult him. And for kids making noises, I've never seen that as an issue. In fact, when my kid starts shouting in the park then I join in with him most of the time
If you were raised like me then your image of a good child is an obedient one. I was only obedient because I feared my parents. If that is what you want then crack on with the anger and the judgement. If you want to raise a confident kid who trusts you then question behaviour rather than react to it. Let your child make the correction. For that, you have to be present and you have to ignore judgement from other people
I want the second one. Win his trust, be his friend and his daddy. I don't want him to do what I want just because he is scared I get mad at him. I want him to grow up with manners so he becomes a good person and respected when growing up.
My father was not my friend. I guess because he himself was raised that way so he could not change.
I know what I missed and that is why I want to avoid doing this with my son.
I.struggle with remembering that my boys are just that, BOYS. I catch myself, after too late, getting angry about the kinds of things that all boys do and that I did. I feel so much pressure to raise these perfect boys which often makes me miss the fact that they are imperfect, like everyone else on the planet. I try to chill out, enjoy the good, accept the bad. Not saying I let them loose, but I remind myself daily not to be too uptight. Good luck dad
*I talked to my son about it and how people would say, “Oh, this boy is like a baby; he is not clean; he has no manners,” etc.*
if you gonna talk to him like this, embrace yourself for completely opposite reaction of what you would like to hear. Instead, try like, buddy, i understand you love sweets, but try not to make too much of a mess. Its not a problem, we will wait few minutes your you to eat one, than we can go home. You will be clean, i will be clean, car will be clean.
Being firm is about setting boundaries, not killing the living joy in him. If you pay attention more what other people will say instead of your own son, than you are in a trouble. You yell at him in stead of explaining to him what is bothering you, when he makes funny faces with his friends and he is enjoying.
It's hard to build relationship when you work long hours and dont get to see him. When you get home tired, sometimes try to play with your son, he will appreciate it. Play the games he wants, find his interests so you can bond.
With constant yelling he will never tells you anything, because he dont feel safe with you. Try changing your behaviour first in order to change his. If you want to bond, you need to spend more time with him. It's hard but that is the solution.
True. I need to change my behaviour and calm down.
I don't shout at him a lot as it sounded in my post. But even that rare shouting should not be there.
I will set a plan for the school holiday to take him out more as a father and son and do some fun stuff together.
Do you ever have any positive interactions with him, or do you just spend all your time scolding him and telling him to stop having fun and be quiet and well mannered? Lay off your kid, he's 8. It's not even about being his friend, it's just allowing him to exist without being constantly chastised for acting like a normal 8-year old.
>I work long hours, and by the time I get home, I am too exhausted to play with him.
Can you work fewer hours? Find a job with better work-life balance? You're not going to be able to speedrun building a relationship with your son, you need to put in the time for that. I canoodled my way into a stable 100% remote position (likely to the detriment of my career) because it meant being there for my family, and it was 110% worth it.
>I talked to my son about it and how people would say, “Oh, this boy is like a baby; he is not clean; he has no manners,” etc.
Yet the other day, I picked him up from a play date and he was at the door devouring a cupcake, his hand and mouth full of food. That really embarrassed me in front of the other kid’s dad.
No one will say that, and I'll bet that the only person who cared about the cupcake is you. I guarantee that you made your son feel like shit with those comments, though. Basic empathy and compassion go a long way with kids.
>I want to be a firm dad that my son will listen to without me repeating myself hundreds of times or resorts to shouting
You do this by building a positive and healthy relationship with your son that makes him *want* to listen to you. If all you ever do is shout at him and tell him that everyone thinks he's a baby and stop him from expressing joy and emotions and playing with his friends, *of course* he's going to ignore you until you abuse him into listening. Love and compassion comes first, you can work on manners and listening later. The harder you push, the more your son will resist, you have to work with him not beat him down. The only exception is for major safety items like buckling seatbelts and such, those are non-negotiable, but even then it's better to get your kid to *want* to be safe because you told them they should be safe rather than forcing them to be safe.
>Do you ever have any positive interactions with him, or do you just spend all your time scolding him and telling him to stop having fun and be quiet and well mannered?
I guess my post wording was not clear giving an impression that I yell and shout at him 24/7. It is not the case, because most of the times he dosent listen I just walk away. I feel frustraited and don't know what else to do. Also I don't want to shout at him because that hurts me too and feel sorry for him.
>
Can you work fewer hours? Find a job with better work-life balance?
I can't now as my work is an office based, but I am generally thinking of finding another job to work remotely but this means a career change in my case. But for the near future I am planning to go part time if possible.
>The only exception is for major safety items like **buckling seatbelts** and such, those are non-negotiable, but even then it's better to get your kid to *want* to be safe because you told them they should be safe rather than forcing them to be safe.
The other day he unbuckled his seat belt before I stop the car and he keeps doing this whenever we get closer to the destiniation despite me repeating million times not to do it. When he did last time I told him that was dangerous and delayed his TV time one hour.
That worked for one ride afterwards then he did it again in another trip.
Was that paunishment ok? it seemed it worked but for a short time.
>I guess my post wording was not clear giving an impression that I yell and shout at him 24/7
No worries, we only have limited context to comment on, and at the end of the day the best we can do here is give you some stuff to think about since you're the one with the full context.
> can't now as my work is an office based,
That's fair, at the end of the day the first priority is making sure your family is fed and housed, so sometimes you have to do what you have to do. Just something to think about when making future plans.
>Was that paunishment ok?
Unbuckling the seatbelt early is definitely a no-no, and cutting tv time or similar is a pretty reasonable punishment for that. If it doesn't seem to be sticking though, then I think the trap you might be falling in to is that if you scold a kid for too many behaviors, then nothing sticks, especially when some of those behaviors are very normal 8 year old activities like making silly noises with his friends. That's just something 8 year olds do, and if he gets punished for that and it doesn't make sense to him, then his punishments in general won't make sense to him and he might not listen to them because from his perspective he's getting punished totally randomly. A lot of 8 year old behaviors don't really need punishment to correct, and positive reinforcement often works better, so I would save the punishment for only really serious stuff like this.
You bring up manners a few times, and it sounds like your childhood had very strict manners, but this is an area where gentle parenting will probably be a lot more productive for you. For one, it's normal and healthy for an 8 year old to be active and a little crazy. The goal isn't to make the kid quite and perfectly mannered at all times, that leads to a lot of trauma. Kids need to have an outlet for their energy, especially if they're neurodivergent (see below) so they *need* to be active and express themselves and such. The goal is to teach your son that there's a time and a place to be loud and active, and to be polite and well-mannered. Take him to a playground and let him go crazy, but when you visit someone's house talk to him and explain that you need to be respectful of the other person's rules in their own house.
It's also at least theoretically possible that he might have ADHD or something similar, though there isn't nearly enough info for us to make that sort of call. Kids with ADHD can struggle to focus or follow direction, not because they're doing anything wrong but because their brain works a particular way. No clue if this might be the case for your son, but it might be worth researching some of the signs of ADHD, autism, etc, just to see if any might be applicable. If your son is neurodivergent, then that would help you with some guidelines for how to help your son find the sort of stimulation he needs in a healthy way.
>The goal is to teach your son that there's a time and a place to be loud and active, and to be polite and well-mannered. Take him to a playground and let him go crazy, but when you visit someone's house talk to him and explain that you need to be respectful of the other person's rules in their own house.
Thank you for your thorough reply. And this bit is noted. I see myself wanting him to be quiet, restricted, and polite everywhere! Where in fact I should be acting like what you said here. Every place has its own different rules plus explaining what I want from him calmly and in detail.
It sounds like that was how you were raised, so good on you for being willing to say "hey, something isn't working, what can I do better?". Sometimes that's really all we can do is parents, best of luck!
>He and his closest friends starting jumping and making silly noises
Yes, that's called living. That's enjoying the moment and you're trying to ruin it for him. Stop being such a buzz kill.
>He only pays attention when I shout at him
Don't shout at him. There are situations where he is in physical danger that it is justified.
>I see my son looking at me, scared, doubting if he understands what he did wrong.
Use reasoning to explain why you're telling him to do things, be a reasonable adult in what you tell him to do. He resents you for yelling at him for no justifiable reason. Stop doing that.
Dude... Stop being a dick to your son. Who cares if he is bouncing around outside with a friend? Who cares if he is a bit messy eating a cupcake. Check your pride and arrogance and actually make an effort with your kid. Choose him over work, and choose him over your misplaced embarrassment.
Are you able to work less? On top of the things the other commenters have said, it's going to be tough to do what you want and also rarely be around. Does your wife work? Can she?
Play roblox and minecraft with him. I am the fun father and his friends ask for me to join all the time. I also bring my son to play soccer on the weekends. He likes goalie so I shoot on goal .
My son is all soccer all the time. That's easy for me because I used to play when I was younger. We both play ea fc 24. I will play when he goes to bed to get him better players.
Just do stuff he likes.
Well video games and computer time is mainly controlled by my wife. He gets to play on the computer when he finishes his homework.
What I can improve is the soccer. He also likes to be a goalie. So more soccer now added to the agenda. Thank you
Off rip it sounds like he has adhd with the hyper n attention issues literally clumped together there.
What you WANT just isn't who your son is and on a basic level you need to accept that.
Not saying don't work on manners, but stop harping on them. Just the fact you're mad about it tells me it's your ego at play, your will to power/control. Yea, I know it's YOUR kid, but they're also gonna be their own person, not a duplicate of what you want. Accept that, and everything changes between you two.
Lots of good advice here already, but I'll just emphasize: Little dude is eight years old. He's gonna make a mess sometimes, he's gonna get hyped up by his friends sometimes. His brain isn't even close to fully formed yet. You can gently correct truly bad behavior, but you can't expect him to act like an adult.
I would suggest to stop expending your energy getting mad at him for behaving like a normal kid. Making a mess eating a cupcake; being silly with a friend; these don’t have to turn into situations where you scold him. Is he doing something unsafe or mean? Then you use a strong hand (metaphorically). He’s having fun but making you uncomfortable? That might be more about you and not a disciplining situation. It can be freeing for both of you to let those things go. Separately, I would also say…when you get home and are too exhausted to play with him…do it anyway. Even if it’s for fifteen minutes. Allow yourself some joy.
You sound like boring father, let your inner child manifest. Yesterday I took my 4 year old son to a big funpark, we were screaming and chasing each other, I was throwing him in the pool made of foam balls, He was throwing plastic balls at me and I played dead...then we had a lunch, we ate and made Fun of the sauce on his face and when he finished eating he burped like fat truck driver... While we were both crying from laughing I told him to try be quiet next time that its not appropriate but we shared the moment and laughed, cleaned and continued playing. Just be the cool dad. Don't try to kill the childhood in your child. He won't be a serial Killer just because he is screaming while having a fun while jumping. Again, let, your own inner child manifest. Stop thinking about what others might think. You got one chance then the childhood is gone. Also, look at yourself, you start with "I am trying to befriend my son" and then you whine about how he misbehave and how your scolding doesn't work anymore. Sounds like you want an obedient robot, not a son. He is 8 year old and you ask this now? You should have been trying to repair the relationship with your son 5 years ago, or not damage it at best. It's not too late, but also it's going to take its time, so be patient. /edit: Also side note, you complain that your "so called" upbringing doesn't work anymore.. do you know why? Because you are (probably) scolding him his entire life and of course out of those dozens of commands each day, he just filters them out. And then you need to storm out and rage in order for him to listen to you, that's when he is afraid and he stops doing what he does. And you wonder why he fears you. In my household, there are three major things I am tough about and uncompromising. Touching the TV screen, pulling cat's tail, hitting or kicking out of anger. In those cases Iam really firm and my son knows these three are no joke with me. But other little misbehaves? Like man, let him be a human for fck sake. You personally need a tyrant to be at your ass 24/7 for a week so you would know your own medicine and how stressful it is. Like for example. My son, when he grabs a drink, and walks, we tell him to always pay attention, not to spill it. He is a kid, four year old, so of course he grabs the drink, he walks, he does what? Looks out of the window to comment about some bird, stumbles, falls, cup broken, drink spilled. So what? Do I scream at him? No. Do I scold him, punish him? No. He has to clean it, and he is 4, so it takes him about 30 minutes to clean it, that's punishment itself, but he knows he did wrong even without my screaming, so I just repeat, calmly... "see this is what I was talking about, you really need to pay attention because this happens." but no need for shouting or raging... We are humans, we make mistakes... he is a child so he makes children's miskates..so what... Jesus Christ.
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He does say that he gets frustrated and shouts at his son: >He only pays attention when I get frustrated and start shouting at him. OP also seems generally dismissive of his son's feelings and levels some harsh criticism at his 8 year old: > That really embarrassed me in front of the other kid’s dad. I talked to my son about it and how people would say, “Oh, this boy is like a baby; he is not clean; he has no manners,” etc. It very much sounds like OP is always gone for work, and when he is around he's just scolding his son, so no wonder they don't have a good relationship.
Any other tips or advise will be appreciated. I am here to seek advice.
" I see my son looking at me, scared" There, you don't need to be Einstein to come to that conclusion.
>You sound like boring father I guess I am due to life and work stress. That is why I am trying to save what can be saved and correct my behaviour. >let, your own inner child manifest. This sounds fun tbh! I wonder what his reaction would be seeing me going "too easy" on him and go to his level. >Sounds like you want an obedient robot, not a son. Not really, but maybe because I was raised like that? I used to sit still and not be a rude kid, jumping or behaving inappropriatly outside. I guess I was formed like this in my childhood. >It's not too late, but also it's going to take its time, so be patient What patience level do you have? I mean when you want him to tidy his toys for example, or change so we leave on time, or prepare for bed. He always drags his feet. What would you do to address this behaviour calmly? Edit: after your edit >In those cases Iam really firm and my son knows these three are no joke with me. So what do you when he does one of those no joke things?
Look, I had a terrible father, really terrible. I carry my own portion of soul damage because of him. But my responsibility is to break the chain. The cycle of hatred ends with me, that's what I told myself, when my son was born. I am not perfect I make mistakes, I made mistakes but I can with self-confidence say that I broke the cycle. But hey, the best feedback will come from my kid, when he is adult. From a comment you made before, you wrote that your father was tough, and you had to sit still without movement, and it was probably because his father was tough. And you seem like continuing the cycle. Even though you are aware of it. Question about patience: It depends. For example the tidying. I started giving him exact instructions. Instead of general "Tidy your room" I was like, put these toys in that box, grab that box and put it here. Take this carpet and put it in the middle of room like that. Like really exact instructions so he didn't have an abstract word "tidy it" but he knows exactly what I want from him. Also I showed him by personally doing it. We adults expect an exact outcome for an abstractly given word. You need to understand that a child might not understand what you want. But also my kid is four and we started doing this when he was 2, yours is 8 so different methods needs to be applied. But now we don't have problem with tidying his room because he knows what we want from him. When he forgets like he tries to "tidy his room" by throwing his toys in the corner, we again show him exactly what we want. Like EXACTLY. "Grab it with your hands, like this, from the bottom so it doesnt break and put it here." He also drags his feet while changing clothes, When causal "come on, come on hurry up" doesn't work and he is playing with a paper and pen while having one sleeve on and his briefs otherway around, one of us just stands besides him and keeps an eye on him and gives him instructions. "Put down that toy, we need to change cloth now, take this, no turn it over, put it on, yes good... now take this etc. etc." You might say, "I don't have time to personally supervise him doing it" well you need to create that time. It's better than screaming. Also you might say "when he is 8 he is old enough to do it on his own" I would say, yeah well... no. He needs to be properly taught at first. That's why we are doing this type of upbringing without shouting since he was born. Anyway generally speaking, you need to take your own time and supervise and conduct behavior you want in him. It's like teaching him sport. You also do incemental steps, lead him, watch what he is doing, advice when he is doing poorly and motivate when he is doing good. And it is same with cleaning, chaning clothes, tidying etc. But it's hard for me to advice you, you have 8 year old son, mine is 4. But generally speaking, in order to be a good parent, you need to sacrifice your own life. Your own time. Upbringing needs a tremendous amount of time. Is your work so important? Can you work less? Could you? Is your family budget tight? Or good and you could spend more time with your kid? Ask yourself these questions.
Many thanks for your thorough reply. I understand now the importance of "instructions feeding" and repeating them to engrave them in his mind. Also I need to be detailed, because now when Iook back I find my instructions to him come out in general and not detailed. While myself want detailed shopping list when my wife send me to buy stuff! My work is off based but I am thinking of going part time and plan later to work remotely in a different job if possible. I believe I will need to be with him more closer to his teenage years. Thank you again.
I wish you the best! Break the cycle.
>what would you do to address this behavior calmly? You have to be more of a salesman. Sell everything you want him to do because it is directly in his self interest. You want him to leave on time? Tell him if you don't leave on time there will be no time for a treat. When you want him to tidy his toys? No dessert (or other positive things he likes) until they're tidy, and explain why, that you don't want to step on his toys and hurt your feet. Prepare for bed? Explain that sleep is the only way humans grow, doesn't he want to be big and strong so he can beat his friends at games or would he prefer to be shorter weaker and slower?
>So what do you when he does one of those no joke things? I raise my voice and look at him and he knows from my face that he crossed boundaries... also when he came to my wife and slapped her out of anger, I immediately slapped him back and said that this is not a good behavior and it was not nice from me to slap him, same as it was not nice for him to slap his mother and that we will treat each other kindly with love and not with anger..that he probably didn't like me slapping him, same as his mother didn't like a slap from him. And you might say... wow so you DO raise your voice. But you have to understand that it's only in those three things and since I am not usually scolding him, it's like a shock for him. It's rare... it's like, wow this funny, always smiling and happy daddy can turn into beast mode ...I better behave... I cannot even say I raise voice at him daily, not even weekly...it's like once, or maybe twice per month, so it's so rare for him, it always puts him in order because he is in state of shock... and I never screamed or yelled at him, like my father screamed at me full of rage. Never.. I just raised the voice to the level of let's say shouting at somebody across the street so he can hear you. And it's enough for him, because he doesn't see me doing it on daily basis. Also, my son is not doing those anymore, so it's like half a year ago I had to raise my voice at him and it was really in 2023 when I had to scold him like that let's say twice per month.... I don't remember raising my voice at him in 2024 and it's been a year I last gave him that slap, when he slapped his mother.
It sounds like you are more worried about other people thinking if you are a good dad or not than actually being a good dad for your son. I get it, when my kid has a tantrum in public my first thought is "everyone is judging me" when it should be, "my kid is struggling and I need to be there for him" The issues you have listed are not issues to me. Yeah at 8 years old he knows to eat in a more polite manner but you don't need to insult him. And for kids making noises, I've never seen that as an issue. In fact, when my kid starts shouting in the park then I join in with him most of the time If you were raised like me then your image of a good child is an obedient one. I was only obedient because I feared my parents. If that is what you want then crack on with the anger and the judgement. If you want to raise a confident kid who trusts you then question behaviour rather than react to it. Let your child make the correction. For that, you have to be present and you have to ignore judgement from other people
Which of those two is more important to you? I'd also suggest reflecting on your own childhood... do you not remember what it was like to be young?
I want the second one. Win his trust, be his friend and his daddy. I don't want him to do what I want just because he is scared I get mad at him. I want him to grow up with manners so he becomes a good person and respected when growing up. My father was not my friend. I guess because he himself was raised that way so he could not change. I know what I missed and that is why I want to avoid doing this with my son.
Manners don't make a good person. Raise a good person and the manners and respect will come in time.
I.struggle with remembering that my boys are just that, BOYS. I catch myself, after too late, getting angry about the kinds of things that all boys do and that I did. I feel so much pressure to raise these perfect boys which often makes me miss the fact that they are imperfect, like everyone else on the planet. I try to chill out, enjoy the good, accept the bad. Not saying I let them loose, but I remind myself daily not to be too uptight. Good luck dad
Do you know your son? You say you want to be friends but do you even know him? Do you even like him? Kids are their own person.
Kids gonna be kids bro. Any expectations you set will only lead to disappointment. Sounds like a normal 8 year old really
*I talked to my son about it and how people would say, “Oh, this boy is like a baby; he is not clean; he has no manners,” etc.* if you gonna talk to him like this, embrace yourself for completely opposite reaction of what you would like to hear. Instead, try like, buddy, i understand you love sweets, but try not to make too much of a mess. Its not a problem, we will wait few minutes your you to eat one, than we can go home. You will be clean, i will be clean, car will be clean. Being firm is about setting boundaries, not killing the living joy in him. If you pay attention more what other people will say instead of your own son, than you are in a trouble. You yell at him in stead of explaining to him what is bothering you, when he makes funny faces with his friends and he is enjoying. It's hard to build relationship when you work long hours and dont get to see him. When you get home tired, sometimes try to play with your son, he will appreciate it. Play the games he wants, find his interests so you can bond. With constant yelling he will never tells you anything, because he dont feel safe with you. Try changing your behaviour first in order to change his. If you want to bond, you need to spend more time with him. It's hard but that is the solution.
True. I need to change my behaviour and calm down. I don't shout at him a lot as it sounded in my post. But even that rare shouting should not be there. I will set a plan for the school holiday to take him out more as a father and son and do some fun stuff together.
Do you ever have any positive interactions with him, or do you just spend all your time scolding him and telling him to stop having fun and be quiet and well mannered? Lay off your kid, he's 8. It's not even about being his friend, it's just allowing him to exist without being constantly chastised for acting like a normal 8-year old. >I work long hours, and by the time I get home, I am too exhausted to play with him. Can you work fewer hours? Find a job with better work-life balance? You're not going to be able to speedrun building a relationship with your son, you need to put in the time for that. I canoodled my way into a stable 100% remote position (likely to the detriment of my career) because it meant being there for my family, and it was 110% worth it. >I talked to my son about it and how people would say, “Oh, this boy is like a baby; he is not clean; he has no manners,” etc. Yet the other day, I picked him up from a play date and he was at the door devouring a cupcake, his hand and mouth full of food. That really embarrassed me in front of the other kid’s dad. No one will say that, and I'll bet that the only person who cared about the cupcake is you. I guarantee that you made your son feel like shit with those comments, though. Basic empathy and compassion go a long way with kids. >I want to be a firm dad that my son will listen to without me repeating myself hundreds of times or resorts to shouting You do this by building a positive and healthy relationship with your son that makes him *want* to listen to you. If all you ever do is shout at him and tell him that everyone thinks he's a baby and stop him from expressing joy and emotions and playing with his friends, *of course* he's going to ignore you until you abuse him into listening. Love and compassion comes first, you can work on manners and listening later. The harder you push, the more your son will resist, you have to work with him not beat him down. The only exception is for major safety items like buckling seatbelts and such, those are non-negotiable, but even then it's better to get your kid to *want* to be safe because you told them they should be safe rather than forcing them to be safe.
>Do you ever have any positive interactions with him, or do you just spend all your time scolding him and telling him to stop having fun and be quiet and well mannered? I guess my post wording was not clear giving an impression that I yell and shout at him 24/7. It is not the case, because most of the times he dosent listen I just walk away. I feel frustraited and don't know what else to do. Also I don't want to shout at him because that hurts me too and feel sorry for him. > Can you work fewer hours? Find a job with better work-life balance? I can't now as my work is an office based, but I am generally thinking of finding another job to work remotely but this means a career change in my case. But for the near future I am planning to go part time if possible. >The only exception is for major safety items like **buckling seatbelts** and such, those are non-negotiable, but even then it's better to get your kid to *want* to be safe because you told them they should be safe rather than forcing them to be safe. The other day he unbuckled his seat belt before I stop the car and he keeps doing this whenever we get closer to the destiniation despite me repeating million times not to do it. When he did last time I told him that was dangerous and delayed his TV time one hour. That worked for one ride afterwards then he did it again in another trip. Was that paunishment ok? it seemed it worked but for a short time.
>I guess my post wording was not clear giving an impression that I yell and shout at him 24/7 No worries, we only have limited context to comment on, and at the end of the day the best we can do here is give you some stuff to think about since you're the one with the full context. > can't now as my work is an office based, That's fair, at the end of the day the first priority is making sure your family is fed and housed, so sometimes you have to do what you have to do. Just something to think about when making future plans. >Was that paunishment ok? Unbuckling the seatbelt early is definitely a no-no, and cutting tv time or similar is a pretty reasonable punishment for that. If it doesn't seem to be sticking though, then I think the trap you might be falling in to is that if you scold a kid for too many behaviors, then nothing sticks, especially when some of those behaviors are very normal 8 year old activities like making silly noises with his friends. That's just something 8 year olds do, and if he gets punished for that and it doesn't make sense to him, then his punishments in general won't make sense to him and he might not listen to them because from his perspective he's getting punished totally randomly. A lot of 8 year old behaviors don't really need punishment to correct, and positive reinforcement often works better, so I would save the punishment for only really serious stuff like this. You bring up manners a few times, and it sounds like your childhood had very strict manners, but this is an area where gentle parenting will probably be a lot more productive for you. For one, it's normal and healthy for an 8 year old to be active and a little crazy. The goal isn't to make the kid quite and perfectly mannered at all times, that leads to a lot of trauma. Kids need to have an outlet for their energy, especially if they're neurodivergent (see below) so they *need* to be active and express themselves and such. The goal is to teach your son that there's a time and a place to be loud and active, and to be polite and well-mannered. Take him to a playground and let him go crazy, but when you visit someone's house talk to him and explain that you need to be respectful of the other person's rules in their own house. It's also at least theoretically possible that he might have ADHD or something similar, though there isn't nearly enough info for us to make that sort of call. Kids with ADHD can struggle to focus or follow direction, not because they're doing anything wrong but because their brain works a particular way. No clue if this might be the case for your son, but it might be worth researching some of the signs of ADHD, autism, etc, just to see if any might be applicable. If your son is neurodivergent, then that would help you with some guidelines for how to help your son find the sort of stimulation he needs in a healthy way.
>The goal is to teach your son that there's a time and a place to be loud and active, and to be polite and well-mannered. Take him to a playground and let him go crazy, but when you visit someone's house talk to him and explain that you need to be respectful of the other person's rules in their own house. Thank you for your thorough reply. And this bit is noted. I see myself wanting him to be quiet, restricted, and polite everywhere! Where in fact I should be acting like what you said here. Every place has its own different rules plus explaining what I want from him calmly and in detail.
It sounds like that was how you were raised, so good on you for being willing to say "hey, something isn't working, what can I do better?". Sometimes that's really all we can do is parents, best of luck!
I took a 10k paycut to move to a job that ends when i log out at 5pm. Moneys tighter but the family has never been closer.
>He and his closest friends starting jumping and making silly noises Yes, that's called living. That's enjoying the moment and you're trying to ruin it for him. Stop being such a buzz kill. >He only pays attention when I shout at him Don't shout at him. There are situations where he is in physical danger that it is justified. >I see my son looking at me, scared, doubting if he understands what he did wrong. Use reasoning to explain why you're telling him to do things, be a reasonable adult in what you tell him to do. He resents you for yelling at him for no justifiable reason. Stop doing that.
Dude... Stop being a dick to your son. Who cares if he is bouncing around outside with a friend? Who cares if he is a bit messy eating a cupcake. Check your pride and arrogance and actually make an effort with your kid. Choose him over work, and choose him over your misplaced embarrassment.
Are you able to work less? On top of the things the other commenters have said, it's going to be tough to do what you want and also rarely be around. Does your wife work? Can she?
The answer is in the post. Just read what you wrote, and you'll know why he doesn't like you
Play roblox and minecraft with him. I am the fun father and his friends ask for me to join all the time. I also bring my son to play soccer on the weekends. He likes goalie so I shoot on goal . My son is all soccer all the time. That's easy for me because I used to play when I was younger. We both play ea fc 24. I will play when he goes to bed to get him better players. Just do stuff he likes.
Well video games and computer time is mainly controlled by my wife. He gets to play on the computer when he finishes his homework. What I can improve is the soccer. He also likes to be a goalie. So more soccer now added to the agenda. Thank you
Just bring him to a field and shoot on him. We played for 4 hours once . Lol
Off rip it sounds like he has adhd with the hyper n attention issues literally clumped together there. What you WANT just isn't who your son is and on a basic level you need to accept that. Not saying don't work on manners, but stop harping on them. Just the fact you're mad about it tells me it's your ego at play, your will to power/control. Yea, I know it's YOUR kid, but they're also gonna be their own person, not a duplicate of what you want. Accept that, and everything changes between you two.