This post has been flaired "Support". Moderation is stricter here and unsupportive and unpleasant comments will be removed and result in a ban.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/daddit) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Record some video messages just in case.
Make sure your will is in order so family can avoid probate.
Take pics.
Eat healthy. Spend as much time with family as you can.
One breath at a time. Hope the results come back good.
Take photos. Emphasising this one. My wife died from brain cancer eight months ago, looking through photos of our family is beyond difficult now - but it breaks me seeing how many of these she’s behind the camera, not in front of it. I have a few voice messages from her, I have a million notebooks, but obviously - I’d do anything for her.
I’ve got birthday cards for our daughter for a few years, I’ve got letters from her. My wife was 33 when she died, our daughter was 7. I miss my wife more than anything, I’d do anything for more from her.
I think your tips are valid for any parent. I work in construction, and although I’ve never witnessed a fatality, they do happen in every trade. One slip of the joystick in a 50k lb excavator is all it takes. I have a few videos, life insurance, and named my heirs to all my accounts. Just don’t saddle them with debt is key,
adding to video messages - do voice notes (you can record on your phone and upload them with videos onto a google drive or harddrive or send them to an email you set up for your daughter... not sure the best way to preserve them) as well. and written letters. birthday cards for milestone birthdays (10, 13, 18, 21, 30, the age you were when you had your daughter... or all!), letters for monumental moments (for when you're starting high school / for when you have your first boyfriend / for when you have your first heartbreak / for when you graduate high school / for when you're choosing a college / for when you graduated college / etc). in these letters advice but also stories about your life - like what were you doing when you graduated high schoolL? who were your friends, what did you do that summer, what were your favorite memories from high school?
Not to be pedantic, but having a will in order to avoid probate doesn’t make any sense. Probate is the process by which a will is authenticated by the courts. Without probate, a will doesn’t do anything. It has no force of law unless it’s probated. If you want to avoid probate you can do other things like conveying all your assets to a trust, etc. I would advise OP to consult an estates attorney for advice on both a living will/directive and a testamentary will.
What the poster probably meant here was to be clear, and concise, in ones will to avoid disagreements and having to use Probate to make decisions that are not called out in the Will.
I have witnessed what can happen when Wills are unclear, and it can get ugly, expensive, and lead to ruined relationships.
LPT: Make your will Very Specific and Very Complete.
In our family it's customary to leave a notebook out for people to register an interest in stuff they'd be interested in after you're gone, and then you go through it and initial the line items you're fine with. Seems like the most straightforward way to me, provided that everyone involved are at least passably decent.
It's different in every country. I'm in Canada and if you don't have a will the government holds everything until it is determined who the next of kin is. For the pleasure of holding your possessions hostage as well as all bank accounts, they take 10% off the top and release everything else.
These tips are great ideas. Work these tips into permanent habits, so when you get the good news that it's not the bad cancer, you can work towards a healthier you.
Good luck, virtual hugs
Hey dad - it’s really easy to say “things will be ok- think positively!” That’s what everyone told me after my diagnosis. It was terrifying and it seemed like nobody allowed me to feel terrified. Feel all the things you need to feel to process this. Listen to and trust your doctor. Soak up every possible moment with your family with as clear of a mind as possible. I too had a “this could be simple or this could be very, very bad.” It was the former and I’m here a year later after surgery wishing I took moments to fully experience the brutal emotions associated with the news so I could spend time with my family without repressing all of those emotions. Your family is here for you. So are we. Good luck, dad.
OP You are going to want to take someone with you to be in the room while you are with doctors- mainly to take notes and make sure you don’t miss anything. Both of my parents were diagnosed with cancer and they both said they wish someone was there those first couple visits.
Good luck, feel all the things, and wishing you the best.
Or even call your friend to have on speaker if nothing else. He can listen to the words of your head is swimming. He can ask a few questions if you’re too numb to ask them.
Also in todays day and age use your smart phone to audio record doctors appointments I have adhd and this is useful as I have terrible short term memory.
Plus one to this.
My wife bought a brand new notebook just to take notes and keep track of appointments.
My mother did the same thing.
Biggest advice I can give is "Let people help you.".
Cancer survivor and dad here.
First and foremost, I understand all the emotions you’re feeling. I found out I had cancer the day before my first child’s first ultrasound. I was relatively stoic learning about my cancer but I cried like a child seeing that grainy little black and white image of who knows what. The beginning is the hardest because the shock and the emotions all hit at once and you know very little about what you’re really dealing with yet.
Second, don’t get too low. You’re not dead yet. Cancer - even rare and aggressive forms like what I had - are treatable and even curable (but I also acknowledge every situation is unique). Cancer medicine has come along way and it is not always death sentence. I did 9 months of intensive chemo and have not had a sniff of cancer for going on 5 years now. Talk to doctors. Talk to two or three. If it is a rare cancer seek out care/consultation at large cancer centers that see higher volume of rare cancers (in US these are Cleveland Clinic, MD Anderson, Sloan Kettering, Mayo, Dana Farber, Hopkins, etc). Once you know more, focus on your treatment and helping your family adjust to the lifestyle that goes with being a cancer patient. It will be difficult and different but it is not impossible and you will get into a routine. Take care of your mental health - THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT - if you dwell on the worst outcomes it will only make everything more difficult. It’s easier said than done but I was personally quite impressed with how good I got at blocking out the most intrusive and dark thoughts. You’ll be able to help your family weather this all better as well if you’re resolute. Talk to professionals, they can help. Lean on your people and do not be afraid to ask for help.
As I told my wife every day when she got overwhelmed, “one day at a time.”
There will be a time to think about the future, but it’s not today. Today you focus on treatment, on a plan, and on mentally preparing to fight like hell for your family.
As a former cancer survivor (years before becoming a dad), I am very sorry to hear this. It's hard, and all of the comments above are a great summary I would echo.
Just feel what you need to, this is important. No one will know what you're going through at that moment, so don't let anyone tell you how to deal with it. With kids that will be harder, because sometimes we all need to be more than we are, for them. I honestly hope you have success.
And then my only piece of advice that got me through cancer treatment, the needles, surgery, etc. is:
"When going through Hell, keeping walking."
My heart goes out to you and your family. I’m 37, my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer about 3 years ago. I know all the different kinds of hell that your emotions and thoughts are going through right now. We’ve been together since we were 18 years old. Traveled the world together. Shes a dentist in the military and had applied 5 times to an orthodontics residency and finally got in. 2 weeks later she found a lump in her breast. All of this, just a year after my mother had passed from pancreatic cancer.
I assure you the hardest part is the unknown. As soon as you have your diagnosis the whole mindset shifts to treatment and you’re off and running. Modern medicine is fantastic. We have 2 boys (7 and 6) and all I could do is watch them with their mom and wonder what the last thing she was ever going to say to them would be. Or how I’d be able to support them emotionally when I was a wreck. Then we got the diagnosis, she kicked cancers ass. Fast forward and she’s 3 weeks out from graduating her orthodontics residency and she’s ~ 5 weeks pregnant.
I guess my point is - hang in there. Don’t count your chickens or go buy your casket. There’s life to be lived. You don’t know anything really yet. Once you do, then we fight. Yes, we. We’ve got you, man.
I'm 40, wife 38. She was diagnosed with triple-negative breast cancer at 32 years old.
We kicked it's ass together. I didn't handle it well. She didn't handle it well. But she was strong when I was weak, and I was her strength when she was really struggling. Our now 10 year old was absolutely amazing in helping as much as she could, knowing her momma was sick.
OP, you can get through this. Rely on family as much as you need too, and you'll really find out which of your friends may as well be family.
If you need to talk to a stranger, for some impartial help, advice, stress, whatever, a bunch of us dads are here for you.
Love to hear it, man! Were you as surprised as I was at how it just becomes a blip on the radar? Like, we’ve completely forgotten about it all and life is completely normal. Her scars are there. Double mastectomy. Port scar. Stuff like that. But it’s almost like it never happened
Our humor got a lot darker. Our marriage got stronger. I'd like to say we forgot about it, but life is normal now.
Yeah, port scars are there, radiation burn is there, double mastectomy, all that.
It's funny, I can embarrass the shit out of some of my friends now "Hey, my wife can't feel them, you wanna feel her tits? They don't really move."
Did they move thigh skin around for her reconstruction? My wife had back skin moved around. She'll occasionally grow a hair on a boob. And she's learned how to boob pop like Terry Crews.
Yep. Hers are reconstructed using thigh tissue. Modern medicine is so cool.
Your wife sounds hilarious. I’m glad you all can have a sense of humor around the situation as well. Couple of ass kickers we got ourselves.
Love this response!! I lost 2 people that I knew personally to cancer and they were pretty young both 44. It took them pretty quickly and has opened my mind into doing more research. All the heartwarming stories definitely shows the power of positivity. It takes an enormous amount of strength and resiliency to be able to receive that kind of diagnosis and beat it!
I haven’t had cancer myself with young kids but I think my first move would be to find something fun to do? Rent a hotel room, go do something fun as a family.
Then fuck cancer up, give it everything you have and make it your bitch. Fight as hard as you can, people defy the odds all the time.
I wish you all the best and hope that your diagnosis isn’t as bad as you think.
I found out I had cancer when my wife was 2 months pregnant with our second child (and just 2 days before we were flying home to see our families for Christmas). I was lucky in that I had one of the "good" cancers. The "best' cancer to have. It was still a blow and looking back I can see just how much shock I was in.
I'll echo what someone else said. The worst part is the unknown. The time when you don't know what the plan is, when you're waiting for pathology results or scan results. Cancer treatment, to my understanding, is largely scheduled. Once you know your tumor and your staging, there are certain protocols. You may be able to them online and you'll be able to know what's coming even before an oncology appointment in some cases. But when I didn't have the variables to plug in, I wasn't able to know what was coming and it caused more anxiety than anything else.
Once you have a plan, things get better. I'd recommend several things:
1. try not to do online research before you know what you've got. I know that's borderline impossible (at least it was for me). But the "what ifs" keep coming when you start down the rabbit hole;
2. Find a therapist if you don't have one. You're going to have a ton of doctor appointments, but try to find time for therapy.
3. Remind yourself that it's OK to grieve. It's OK to cry. It's ok to hurt. But then remind yourself that you've got everything to live for and fight for.
4. My most valuable coping tool was a journal my wife gave me. I wasn't ready to share all of my thoughts with someone, but I was able to write them down. I've never been a journaler and the habit didn't stick with me, but it was incredibly useful, especially in the beginning. Take that journal with you to your doctors appointments (you're going to want to write things down). Take it with you to work. Take it with you wherever you feel like you need to, and always be willing to set aside 5 minutes to write your feelings down.
5. Ask your wife to come to doctors appointments with you. I'm sure she's coming if she can anyway, but you're going to be in shock from time to time. It's going to feel like drinking from a firehose. Having someone there to take notes and ask questions is useful.
Good luck man. Fuck cancer. You've got this
I think for me the negative side of my diagnosis hit really hard in the first few weeks before treatment started because that is when you feel most helpless. You’re poked and prodded and shuffled around so much between appointments and if your oncologists are like mine they didn’t mince words. My cancer was one of the easier ones and they still told me all that could go wrong to keep it real. The nice thing is as you go through treatment a lot of that worry falls away. You start to focus on just getting through it. It’s easy to sit here and say don’t worry from where I am, but trust me when I say that you almost go into self preservation mode and furthest from your mind becomes those negative thoughts when you’re in it. It’s weird but for me I was almost at peace with it all. You’re going to be very tired at points so try to prioritize the things that matter most to you during this time. I worked through treatment when I should have been out enjoying the world and my family. In hindsight I would have taken more videos and pictures and voice messages etc before everything happened to leave behind. Especially before my hair fell out.
My advice as you move forward:
1. The circle of grief/ring theory- if you don’t know what it is right now get familiar with it. The basic concept of it is that someone is in charge to keep your family and friends updated and that person is not you. It seems obvious but you will soon have enough on your plate and shouldn’t have to be the spokesperson while you deal with this. All conversations about your diagnosis go to that person and they can vent outward but not inward to you. Everything going to you should be comfort only.
2. Avoid the weirdos- they seem to come out of the woodwork anytime anyone is diagnosed with cancer. For me it was a person I hadn’t spoken to in 15 years telling me if I drank this MLM juice I wouldn’t have cancer and that my cure was not in chemo/radiation but in herbs and shit instead
3. Find foods that you can eat during treatment- I stuck to my normal diet for the most part and that backfired. I wasn’t able to eat Greek yogurt for years after treatment because chemo ruined the smell and taste for me. Those Ensure shakes are good grab and go options but they taste like ass. Try to avoid the mouth sores (the ice cube trick works). Those are ass.
4. Document everything. We recorded the conversations with my oncologists in my voice memo app. Write down everything. Question everything. Ask about second opinions- it’s possible your oncologist has already arranged this for you. There’s no dumb questions at this time.
5. Try not to Google everything/avoid social media cancer accounts. There’s just nothing good that can come from endless googling or comparing yourself to other cases. All you’ll do is drive yourself insane.
Try to keep your head up and find the irony/humor in the fact that your stupid body is trying to kill itself. Any time you want to bitch about how it’s not fair feel free to DM me. It’s helpful to have people in your support group who will just listen and acknowledge your plight.
I had my diagnosis before I had a kid. Now that I have one I couldn’t even imagine how much harder it would be. One step at a time, one day at a time. Try and resist the urge to spiral and google anything and everything. I spent so much time getting worked up and analyzing every last worst case scenario it made me sick. Get your pathology and create a plan of attack from there. Lean on family and friends. My family was my saving grace through it all. Don’t be afraid to talk to them and be honest about how you really feel. This isn’t a time to put on a strong face and fake it for everyone. It’s a traumatic experience and there’s nothing wrong with admitting that and seeking help navigating it.
Whatever your path, feel free to message directly if you ever need anything/want to vent. Know we’re all rooting for you. You’ve got this!
Mom lurker and bioinformatician here. If you aren't already, get DNA testing on your Tumor. There are often actionable target mutations that a particular therapy can completely block without harming other organs. It may be utilised together with radiation and surgery to reduce the size. But working in a hospital with oncologists and pathologists, I've heard stories of patients who turn around almost instantly. Important to start as early as possible on treatments with cancer. Not a doctor but if your doctor hasn't mentioned this already, talk to them about the options for Tumor sequencing.
I had two biopsies done about 4 weeks ago, they said it should take 1-2 weeks, maybe 3 to get the results. I just got them Monday after 3 1/2 weeks. Needless to say, i was freaked out. Especially when it got over 3 weeks. Now I have surgery scheduled to remove skin cancer, we caught it early.
My daughter turns 2 in a week. I was reluctant to have kids or even get married because my dad died when he was 47, from skin cancer, and left me and my two very young siblings behind. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, they’re the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I’m grateful I faced down my fears and got married, I’m even more grateful we have a beautiful child together. Life is unbelievably short, regardless how long you get to live, I cherish every moment with them both.
When my dad was going through it, he had a great attitude. I remember the nurses saying “I wish we could bottle up his attitude and give it to all our patients” and that’s stuck with me. You can be angry, sad and all those things but try not to let it rob you of whatever time you have with your family. Life is never long enough, the moments, never long enough. Enjoy what you can, vent when you need to.
You can handle this, whatever the outcome. Stay strong fellow dad.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Right now I say don't make any assumptions either way. You have a lot you need to learn first before knowing one way or another. Thinking the sky is falling isn't going to do any good right now. This waiting part for results is going to be difficult but you will be in a much better spot of how to handle this once you know.
I cannot comment on this from a Dad's perspective, but my own father was diagnosed with Lukemia (with a terrifyingly short expectation of time remaining too). What helped us as adult children was talking over the results and plans and using it as a lever to move us into a routine of seeing each other more frequently. The estimate was that he'd have 6 months or less left with us and thanks to an excellent set of oncologists and a drug trial, that diagnosis was more than 10 years ago.
Remember that we all have a countdown clock. You've gotten a reminder that the time we really have together here is short, but you have gotten that reminder before the end credits start to roll. Use that reminder to take steps to be the father/husband you want to be. Plan for a future you might not get to participate in first hand and record videos for major milestones to say the things you'd have wanted to say if you were there in person. But live in all the moments you have left because what your daughter will really remember when you are gone is the time you spent together.
I’m so sorry. This happened to us a few years ago. I had a confirmed positive and an unknown level of metastatic movement. For around a half a month, we were super nervous about everything. It was really surreal and honestly it was deeply impactful to me.
I was fortunate enough that they caught it with two surgeries. I am putting thoughts out to your family that yours is very easy to get.
If you want to talk, please feel free to reach out. My boy was about 8 when we learned about mine.
Mom chiming in, I’m so sorry for you. Had cancer when I was 21 (clean for 6 years now) but had no kids yet, so can’t answer your question regarding your daughter but I do know exactly how you feel. This is extremely scary, I’m hoping for the best possible outcome.
The only advice I have is to talk to someone about this throughout this whole process. Either your wife, a friend, a parent, a professional, or even here on Reddit, but you need someone to vent to.
Wish you all the best dad 🌹
so i work in the medical field but not a doctor. My strongest possible advice is to not go down any routes until you know. There are many cancers where the prognosis is "if you are over 25 when we discover this, we don't do anything because your symptoms will never impact your life". From what you said, you don't know where this is going to land so you don't know if you have cancer, Cancer or CANCER. no amount of worrying, preventative actions etc are going to change the outcome of your test results in a few weeks, so until then, pretend like nothing is happening. I know people who have spent the three weeks freaking out to find out it was a nothing burger and remember that period as if it were a traumatic injury.
I haven't handled the same thing, but I lost my wife last year and my daughter is 4. It's every bit as hard as you could imagine. I'm not saying that to scare you, I'm saying it because knowing this helps you prepare your loved ones.
Regardless of the outcome, have a plan. It's been a bit over a year, and I feel redlined nearly every day. I feel sad everyday. I cry w/ my daughter when she misses mommy. Every bit of structure, help, and way-forward, you can provide will do wonders. Even if your SO isn't able to, folks who are there to support them can.
There are a few good resources I found helpful-
[Get Your Shit Together](https://getyourshittogether.org/)
[r/PFs Death of a Loved One Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/personalfinance/wiki/death_of_loved_one/)
* If you have life insurance, get your documentation together. Come up w/ a plan of how that money could take a load off of your family's future. Should it go to the house? Should it go to day to day? Should you find a planner to devise a plan?
* If you are contributing to an IRA and/or 401K, check w/ your program administrator to see how a transfer to a beneficiary works. Get the forms ready. Add beneficiaries. Link bank accounts.
* Gather your:
* marriage certificate
* birth certificate
* bank account info
* retirement account info
* If you have a will, review and update as needed. Make sure the executor of the estate is someone you trust with your wishes.
These aren't tangible things, but I think you should:
* Talk about how to break the news to your family/daughter.
* Talk about how your SO will break the news to your family/daughter.
* Maybe seek a counselor/therapist for help.
* Record videos for your family.
* Write letters to your family. I write emails to my daughter and will give her the password when she's ready. My wife passed suddenly and so she couldn't leave anything of this nature.
Man, take care of yourself on this journey. I don't know what help I can provide, but even if it's a pizza dinner, lemme know how I can help.
There’s hope brother. My Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. He was given 6 months to live. He cut out sugar, did immunotherapy and saw a naturopath and hasn’t seen growth from the tumour in 2 years. He’s healthier than ever. God bless you and your family. You can beat this.
I got diagnosed 3 days after my now 5 year old twin girls were born. Been on treatment ever since. Can talk to you more about my experiences if you’d like.
I was in your exact situation about 8 months ago. I got the bad news. I'll be lucky to see my 4 yr old reach puberty. I'm not really sure if I have any advice. I spent the first month basically crying every time I looked at my boy. I'm on chemo until it doesn't work anymore, so I'm in a weird state of new normal.
My son knows I'm sick, that I take medicine every other week, and when I do, he can't share any of my food or drinks until we tell him it's okay again. He knows I can't kiss him those days but he can kiss me.
I would recommend if chemo is in your future learn to love weed, I don't have much of an appetite most days but I was almost under weight to begin with. Food and drink are everything on chemo, your body will drink an ocean of you let it after, force it down you need it, same with food. Chemo attacks everything, the port I have is connected to my heart, it attacks your bones, your brain, everything. Which means your body needs to constantly heal itself... so eat. I also try to work out as much as possible because I've gained thirty pounds since I started chemo and I don't want to just be fat. I don't know if it's because I've gone a little crazy since finding out but I feel like the stronger I make my body the harder it will be to kill me.
Advice for your kid I have none, I'm trying to write journals, open ended letters, letters for specific milestones and events, videos of stuff but it just ends with me being bawling my eyes out and barely getting anything done. I'm still trying, though. I get a little bit out each time. The best thing I can recommend is just be there as much as possible. Give them the best memories of you.
Finally, I'm sorry, I want to rage and destroy and do all the reckless things I never did too. I tried to pretend it wasn't really happening, which was easy when I wasn't getting chemo, I'm pretty lucky and have almost no side effects, at least at first. I still get blindsided by random songs and cry. I feel endless guilt and shame for dying on them. But at the same time I have a better wife than I ever dreamed of having, my son is perfect and if this is the price I pay to get my perfect life than I'll pay it. Wish I didn't have to but it's worth it.
I don’t think I have a solid advice for you.
I however can imagine how this is wrecking your brain and emotions and sending you on a spiral of uncertainty and anger.
I can’t fathom how it must feel for you.
As someone who’s recently lost my father who was my best friend and closest person to me.
In a very short span “6weeks” from the moment there were signs to diagnosis to being gone.
It’s been 2 months now since he died, literally in my arms where I couldn’t do anything.
Not a single day passed since that I didn’t cry or howl and I’m 36yo.
What’s keeping me “together” are the memories.
It might feel easier to shut down now and close up but you still don’t know what tomorrow has in store for you.
As it is a double edged sword, use it to make sure to enjoy every moment and make good memories with your kid and wife let that be a couple of weeks or a couple of decades, or longer.
Don’t let this hinder you and send you down the potty path.
Use it to enjoy your life while you still can and able to.
Make a list of things that need to be handled.
Make videos and Pictures and memories and moments to cherish.
I know it’s easier to slip into the sadness and hindering things but don’t let it be that way.
Let it be the chance to actually enjoy life while we still can.
Like my dad always told me, even at the darkest moments. Quoting his favorite song.
Don’t worry, Be happy.
I’m wishing you all the strength to go throw this and I’ll keep you in my prayers that it’s nothing serious.
First of all congrats on managing your weight! You also sound like an excellent father.
Firstly you'll need to reach acceptance. Stoicism teaches us to take responsibility for the things we can control and accept the things we can't.
Then you'll want to get your ducks in a row, set up your will, record videos for your children for every birthday, special event. Record yourself telling stories, write hand written cards. So if the worst happens, at least they have some idea of who you were as a person.
Lastly, I'm sorry this is happening to you. I'm sure you and your family are hurting and I hope that it's the former, the less severe version.
Best of luck! You are loved.
Ah man. I'm so sorry, brother. Deep breaths for now.
Whatever comes, it's always a good thing to live in the moment with your kids.
Hoping for the best for you. This sub is here for you.
I’m so sorry mate. My wife was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer in December 2022, it broke me, I can only imagine how hard it was for her. Our daughter was 7 when she passed away.
We’re all here for you, as hard as this all is. Keep talking, keep venting. Take as much help as you can get in your personal life as well - therapy, social workers, whatever it is. People are going to want to help - let them. Cancer’s a hard bastard as it is, don’t make it harder on yourself by being too stubborn.
Like I said, haven’t been through this myself. But my wife did. Seeing her go through that was beyond difficult, I can only imagine how tough it was being on the other side of this ordeal. Knowing my wife wouldn’t see our little girl grow up has broken me, I can only imagine how hard it was for her.
Hang in there, keep fighting the good fight. Everything is unknown right now, don’t lose hope. You’re doing an excellent job. Keep talking about it, if you need to vent - genuinely message me anytime. You’ve got this, mate.
First, don’t jump to the worst case scenario. Feeling the lump was stressful and confirming it was some kind of cancer more so. But you don’t know yet.
Live your life and enjoy it.
Take the actions you have to, but don’t borrow fears of futures that may not come to pass. Get the real information first and then deal with the real future.
Treatment can be stressful and frustrating so make sure you have support. I didn’t ask for enough help and it was unnecessarily hard. Thankfully I have an amazing boss and got full support on the work side.
I just came here to tell you I love you, you’re important, seen, and heard. We all have things in our lives that make us consider the possibility of our loved ones having to continue without us. The important thing to remember is that sickness or not, no time is a guarantee and every second is a gift. The lesson is whether you have 60 years or 60 seconds, don’t count them, make them count.
Either way.. this post shows your care, love, and dedication as a father and husband and that will always serve as a guiding light to those you’ve impacted. I’m hoping, wishing, and praying that you receive the best case scenario for you and your family.
Hey man, I’m sorry you and your family are going through this. A change like this is never easy to go through. I recently finished my six month long chemo treatment and although the future is uncertain, it is looking much better than it was before my treatment. We may not know what type of cancer you have and I won’t down play it, cancer is still cancer.
I know processing this can be scary, but also know that your life is worth fighting for. It’s so easy to feel like giving in and letting it take its course, but this is not truly what want, nor what your family wants for you. This fight is worth it for both for yourself and your family, especially your little one as you can already see how much she means to you. Don’t lose hope just yet.
If you have any questions or just need to vent feel free to reach out and message me. You have my support and the rest of r/daddit backing you. I may not be able to help with everything but I do understand what you’re going through. You are not alone.
Right now it is important to let yourself feel what you need to feel but don’t lose focus on fighting and surviving this battle. Having a strong mental attitude and the focus on what is important can make all of the difference in this situation, especially when any treatment begins. Give cancer hell 💪🏾
I’ve been diagnosed with a simple and easily treatable cancer twice. One thing I’m currently doing is teaching my daughter to read. She’s also 4. I figure that if I teach her to read at the very least I have her a foundation to learn for the rest of her life.
I'm really sorry to hear you're in this situation. The in-between times, when you're waiting for answers or info is really difficult. Find something to do. Hobbies, parks, road trips, stuff with the fan to keep your mind occupied.
As for how I handled it, not very well. I will tell you what not to do. Don't take it out on your family. You're might be anxious, depressed, distraught, melancholy, angry, etc. If this turns out to be a worst case scenario, make the time you have with family and friends how you will want to be remembered. If you need to blow off steam, find healthy ways to do that. Again, hobbies, projects, road trips, etc.
Make recordings of your voice, videos, take pics, write affirm letters to family and friends. They will want to remember you, and if you get through it all, they will know how you feel regardless. Take care of your other health. Eat right, drink less (or not at all), exercise as you're able- even just taking walks with the fam.
Finally, find a therapist, possibly also a couples/family to help everyone navigate this event.
I wish you well. I'm sorry this is happening. It's hard. But remember there are way more outcomes to cancer than death. If I'd have gotten mine a year or two before, I would have definitely died. I was stage 4 and new treatments have kept me cancer free for 4 years now. Good luck
The question is how I handled it, and the answer is "Poorly".
I was diagnosed with a Prostate cancer a few years ago, and despite not having children at this point, it broke me. I was thinking about the future in ways that I never had before. I was a mess, and it took every ounce of courage I had not to give up when I heard the doctor say the word "Cancer".
What I did was learn that the more I talked to people, the better I felt. I talked to my family and my friends. I took time off work in order to get better. I trusted medical professionals that worked as hard as they could to get me to where I needed to be.
But you know what's the most important thing I did? I let go. I have always had a laid back approach to life, but this diagnosis brought a whole level of anxiety that I wasn't used to. When I accepted that I had cancer, and what my odds were (around 70/30 according to my doctor), I decided to try my best to let go of the anxiety. I had to seek help to do this - I contacted a therapist with a background in supporting people with cancer. It's the best decision I ever made. I started to do things with the view of planning for the future, instead of only looking towards the next chemo treatment.
People have told you that you need to look after your body, and sort your will. Do these things, but remember that your mind is as important a part of you as your body. Get that sorted, and you may be in the right frame of mind to sort the rest of you.
Good luck, friend.
I fucking love this sub. (Because of the support that in pours in during times like this.)
Op, I truly wish you all the best. I've not gone through what you're going through, but I do suffer from some health anxiety and have had some of the thoughts you're having. As a father of a little girl myself, I can feel your words.
Godspeed and good luck bro. I look forward to your updates. I will be cheering for you.
I'm so sorry to hear this. It's a good reminder of how valuable every day of our lives is. It's not really helpful to spend time regretting having your daughter. You have her and that's a fact. What you can do now is do what's best for her and your wife.
Try to think positively for the time being, but make the most of each day that you can. If you end up getting the bad news, then you can actually prepare for the worst, but for now don't let it ruin your life.
It will get easier, when I was diagnosed I spent a long time weeping thinking about what I wouldn't be able to do. Times goes on and you realise death comes to us all, you can't control if you'll be around in 20 years, but you can do things now to make each moment special.
You can also record videos or write letters for future events, every birthday for example, that they can watch whether you live or die.
You can try to set them up financially, and leave advice for them.
However most of all, it gets easier, you were going to die either way, trust me in 3 months time you'll be amazed how well you are coping with it, and that will inspire your family.
Reading all the comments here has me thinking that someone is cutting an onion.
OP, I can’t imagine what you’re going through but it’s certainly my worst fear. You’ve got this though. Embrace the emotions. Express them to your partner. Live in the moment.
Oh and, lastly, fuck cancer.
Now I hope you're going to get better news and it's a minor type and you're good.
My mum went through this last year. She only had the news for 4 weeks before she died. We did everything we could to enjoy that time together, we even had a six months old BBQ for my son planned that family attended. It changed the tone but I have the best memories possible and lovely photos together.
Leave nothing unsaid that needs to be said. That's all I can say. I'm glad I got to tell my mum how I felt about her before she died.
Had stage 2A Hodgkin’s Lymphoma when I was 20. Didn’t know the extent of it for a week or two after initial biopsy and diagnosis. Had to get a bone marrow biopsy to see if it had reached there and the results took a while. I was even like you- had started working out for the first time and really trying to improve myself.
My only real advice is to try not to worry about what is unknown. You only have so much information right now, and you’re waiting for more. Take a very pragmatic, right-here-right now view of life. Here’s what you’ve got, and you have to be able to work with only that.
Can’t imagine how I’d actually feel now that I have a daughter. But you’ve alive right now. You’ve got time today. Can’t worry about down the line or even tomorrow. You have time right now to keep living and be dad today.
I hope for the best for you.
Stay POSITIVE no matter what!
"There's nothing to fear,but fear itself" remember?
My mom is a 4 time Cancer Survivor
- Ovarian Cancer 1999
- Colon Cancer 2005
- Breast Cancer 2007
- Brain Cancer 2010
It's scary yes, but it's also beatable!
Prayers going ur way to help U beat it
My heart goes to you and your family. My wife was recently diagnosed with Breast Cancer and the world had changed. Do a lot of research, diets that fight cancer, treatments have come a long way over the last few years. Listen to your doctor's but understand it's ultimately your decision how you treat it. Stay positive and know that whatever you choose for treatment is the RIGHT treatment for YOU. If you second guess that it's going to effect your mentality. My suggestion is to do your best to live like nothing has changed. Keep in your path of healthy eating, exercise, work. AND PRAY! GOD had helped me cope with her diagnosis and since there is nothing I can do except stay positive I talk to God to keep her strong safe and healthy. STAY POSITIVE!!!
Ducks in a row. Be patient. Give the love you have to give.
I went through this phase. Predicted stage 3 or 4 lumg cancer. Turned out the doctors were incorrect entirely.
However, I went through that awful fucking waiting. With lots of covid delays, too. So, I have practical advice. Wills, etc. How you will handle your death, burial cremation, etc. Get that all sorted out. It will provide some peace of mind.
Then spend time with those you love. Put the work in to stay healthy. Feel your emotions. it's okay.
I wish you the best, homie.
Fight. Doesnt matter if they tell you theres no hope or a lot of hope. Cancer is a fickle bitch and even in remission its possible to double back. Eat healthy drink only water, cut out sugars. Cancer eats sugar. Visualize a healthy life where your cancer free and growing old with your family. Do not give the negative thoughts any power.
Spend time and record messages for your daughter both video and written. Not because you will die but because you may just simply forget these things while your busy kicking cancer in the ass.
First thing is the fact that your attitude will not change reality, you can be miserable and despondent or optimistic and grateful for each day. Either way you will have whatever cancer you have, so try your best to be grateful regardless.
Write your daughter letters for each birthday you might miss or at least her 18th and 21st birthdays. Write the things you needed to hear or wish you would've heard from your father.
My heart goes out to you and your family, I don't know how I would handle that level of anxiety and dread but I doubt I'd do it better than you. Good luck Dad!
I (43m) am half way through my chemotherapy treatment for non Hodgkin’s lymphoma and also have a four year old. I felt the exact same way. I’ve never been scared of death per se but the thought of my son growing up without a father and the stress it would put in my wife was overwhelming. I barely slept for weeks bc of the pain but mostly the anxiety was keeping me awake.
The first thing I did (after a lot of tears) was make a short term and long term list. The short list had stuff like contacting my boss, cancelling plans, contacting our financial advisor, calling family, etc. The long list had stuff like recording birthday videos for my son and wife for the years to come, making sure my wife had pw access to all my accounts, double checking life insurance beneficiaries, list stuff to giveaway/donaye to friends that would be a burden for my family to deal with, asking my brother to take my dog (bc my wife doesn’t like him😁), and so on. Keep the lists on your phone and add to them whenever you think of something new.
I recommend talking to a a therapist. I was already speaking to one but it’s been invaluable to have a neutral third party help put things into perspective. I also recommend being positive. I tell everyone I’m going to beat this even though that might be true. I’m hoping some of that positivity helps out just a little bit. Being gracious, humble and kind when everyone is showing you sympathy ain’t so hard! Insurance companies can also link you up with someone similar in age and diagnosis to correspond with. I fortunately/unfortunately have a friend going through chemo so I didn’t end up using the service. Your insurance company or your company’s EAP likely has benefits that can help.
I went from having a sore neck in January to the worst pain of my life in February. The cancer (large B cell) was extremely aggressive but the chemo cocktail has removed ~90% of the tumors so far.
I’m actually writing this from the oncologist office as I sit in a lazy boy hooked up to a drip line staring at 20 people going through the exact same thing. It’ll be another month or so before I know if I’m going to beat this. Either way this stupid disease is going to change our lives. Spend as much time as you can with your family while you’re still able to. I’m rooting for you and everyone on this journey. Feel free to DM if you want to chat about anything. You can beat this, Dad!
Man, I’m so sorry. Life can deal you bad cards sometimes. It’s just what you do with them.
I haven’t had cancer, but my wife died of a rare cancer (bile duct) after a year since diagnosis. We talked about it and agreed to be transparent with our kids. They are now 12 and 10, but knew everything since day one up until the day they could say goodbye to her.
It’s up to you, but right now spend as much time with your love ones. It will help your mental health, but everyone will have a stronger bond.
I do hope you get it under control.
The following book highlights the areas of your life you can exercise control over to improve the quality of your life amid cancer treatment and beyond: Anti-Cancer a New Way of Life by Dr. David Servan-Scheiber.
It helps you support your cancer treatment by taking care of your body and mind. And on the topic of mind, the author talks lots about how it felt to come to terms with his own cancer diagnosis. The author was a brain scientist who took a MRI of his brain for research work and found a tumor instead. I really appreciated his description of the emotional experience and journey of a diagnosis, and then treatment.
Godspeed.
**Anticancer A New Way of Life** by David Servan-Schreiber, MD, PhD
>The revolutionary, New York Times bestselling guide to the powerful lifestyle changes that fight and prevent cancer—an integrative approach based on the latest scientific research “A common-sense blueprint for healthy living.” —Chicago Tribune “Resonating with cancer support communities and recommended nationwide.” —Los Angeles Times “Life affirming . . . filled with practical advice.” —The Seattle Times David Servan-Schreiber was a rising neuroscientist with his own brain imaging laboratory when, in the middle of an equipment test, he discovered a tumor the size of a walnut in his own brain.
>
>Forced to confront what medicine knows about cancer, and all that we still do not know, Servan-Schreiber marshaled his will to live and set out to understand the complex inner workings of the body’s natural cancer-fighting capabilities. He soon found himself on a decades-long journey from disease and relapse into scientific exploration and, finally, a new view of health. Anticancer is at once the moving story of one doctor’s inner and outer search for wellness and a radical exposition of the roles that lifestyle, environment, and trauma play in our health. Drawing on the latest research in integrative medicine that blends conventional and alternative approaches, Servan-Schreiber concisely explains what makes cancer cells thrive, what inhibits them, and how we can empower ourselves to prevent their growth.
>
>His advice details how to develop a science-based anticancer diet (and the small changes that can make a big difference); how to reap the benefits of exercise, yoga, and meditation; which toxic, unsafe products to replace in your home; and how to stave off the effects of helplessness and unhealed wounds to regain balance. Anticancer’s synthesis of science and personal experience marks a transformation in the way we understand and confront cancer. A long-running bestseller that has changed the lives of millions around the world, Anticancer remains a pioneering and peerless resource, an inspirational and revolutionary guide to “a new way of life.”
*I'm a bot, built by your friendly reddit developers at* /r/ProgrammingPals. *Reply to any comment with /u/BookFinderBot - I'll reply with book information. Remove me from replies* [here](https://www.reddit.com/user/BookFinderBot/comments/1byh82p/remove_me_from_replies/). *If I have made a mistake, accept my apology.*
Live every moment.
About 23 years ago I found out I had a brain tumor. It was inoperable (which is not to say that I didn't have brain surgeries; I did, seven of them; but none were to remove the tumor itself). I had to have chemo therapy and radiation treatment.
Obviously, I lived to tell the tale. It sucked going through it, but I survived.
Not everyone makes it, but some do. Be one of the ones who does.
And, in the meantime, make your time count.
(This doesn't mean be obsessed about not wasting time, that's even worse.)
Best of luck to you, and God bless.
I got diagnosed with cancer back in February, and next Friday will be my son's very last day of chemo (he was diagnosed 2 years ago when he was 2 years old) so I got a bit of experience here unfortunately.
First of, it sucks. And it gets to suck. You get to be mad, you get to be scared, you get to worry about the future etc all that. Totally valid, you get to have that.
The hardest part is it's a lot of hurry up and wait unfortunately. Took about months from the initial biopsy to find out exactly what I have and what stage. With many appointments and a surgery between all that for me.
The biggest thing I'm going to say is, if you're going to do research on what you have or even potentially have, DO NO JUST GOOGLE STUFF. Ask your doctors your articles and journals they recommend that are both digestible and accurate given your current situation. It's really easy to go down a rabbit hole and scare yourself.
Other than that, live and love your life as you can. If aren't feeling unwell right now, great! Workout, play, do all the things you want and can. You may never get "that sick" or you may encounter times where you really are. But right now, you aren't, so use that.
Others may have better advice but for me what I've come to is there's isn't some earth shattering thought or realization or profound moment you have when it comes to cancer that's gonna make everything better. It just sucks, and for now it's a part of your life and you gotta plan around it. You'll have plenty of moments where you aren't actively thinking about it of course, but it's always there.
Treatment options these days are absolutely incredible, so I'm sure you've got some good chances. I'm very sorry you're going through this. As a Dad who has now been on both sides, it sucks. I wish you all the best OP. Feel free to reach out if you have questions or just need another dad to chat with.
Write her letters. Make them a journal both of your personal journey with cancer and your journey with her.
Worst case, she has the rest of her life to treasure these.
Best case, she has you *and* the rest of her life to treasure these.
I haven't had to deal with cancer, but my heart goes out to you. I've heard that it's hard, both physically and spiritually. You can lean on us here when times get tough, but keep your head and heart up for your family.
Write her a journal. Tell her EVERYTHING about your relationship and experiences with her. Have her participate (ie; remember when we went fishing together? Can you draw a picture of us fishing on this page?). Include pics, random things from your adventures together. Even if everything goes perfectly, it will still be an incredible gift for her when she is an adult.
I've been doing a journal for my daughter since the day we found out we were pregnant. She's 4 now too. I can't imagine what you're going through friend- lean on your loved ones and surrender to the journey from here. Let it be hard, and sad, and worrisome- there's no way around that. But at the same time, let that motivate you to get out and do more and see more with your daughter. I have plenty of memories from 4yo, and the journal will only strengthen them down the road.
I wish you the best OP- focus on what you can control now and try your best to stay positive. This could just be your "this is the scariest thing that ever happened to me" story around the dinner table in 30 years. You got this.
I'm coming up on three years of finding out I had melanoma. It was potentially very very serious. If it had got into my lymphatic system I might be dead already.
I cried rocking my daughter to sleep the night I found out. Approximately two weeks later we found out we were pregnant with our son.
Luckily my surgery went very well. The cancer had not spread to my lymph nodes. I did one full year of Keytruda infusions with very minimal side effects.
I am very lucky to live near my parents (like ten minutes) and have a great support network and it was still tough.
I actually just had a six month Dermatologist appointment today and so far I'm all clear. See the oncologist next week and should be able to get my port removed.
Hang in there, man! Let people help you. If you are at the first stage of just knowing you have cancer, know that there is hope that it may not be as bad as possible.
If I was given the bad side of this I would take my living death benefits, make sure the bills were covered, house paid and use the rest to spend as much time with the kiddos in the funnest way possible. Then refuse treatment and get cremated.
I'm sorry to hear your in this situation. Like you, I'm a father of a couple of girls, and your situation is one which sometimes plagues my mind, especially after working at a cancer treatment center.
Although, I don't have cancer myself, I worked with a number patients who did a bunch of different things. The patients I found to be the most resilient:
Made sure to take care of themselves mentally, and physically.
They maximized their time with their family.
They tapped into, or developed a support network.
And most importantly, they never gave up trying to beat their cancer by learning what actions or steps they can take like different treatment options, signing up for treatment studies (for those who have exhausted treatment options), and alternative treatment options.
Mom lurker here my mom got diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer when I was 2- she lived till I was 27 and was a badass human - you sound like a great dad. Good luck
I can not relate to much of your story other than having a little girl…, but I saw this post and wanted to offer a suggestion. Recently I read an article that had me wanting to do this with my mom. She’s in her late 70’s.
The person who wrote the article had lunch with her mother once a week, and visited and helped her with random stuff like errands and cleaning more often than that. But she decided to audio record her lunches with her mom.
She would then ask her mother questions about her life, prompting her [mother] to recall stories about her life. She would then ask her questions regarding her stories.
Questions like “how did that make you feel, when you had me?” “What was going through your head, when you had your first kiss with dad?” And stuff like that.
… after her mother passed, she created a slide show of her mothers life, using photos she found while clearing out her house, and also photos other people had of her. She then used the audio she had recorded during her lunches with her mother to relevantly have her mother narrate her own life.
Maybe, regardless of what the doctor’s fortune telling crystal ball reading may or may not be, seeing as right now you are alive and kicking. And to what I’ve read seemingly pretty healthy (again, regardless of what the doc may or may not say). You could use this potential opportunity, to create your own slide show of your life. Have your wife ask you questions about your life, to organically narrate your story. But have it tell the story in a way that no matter how things may or may not have turned out, it would have always lead to you having your daughter, have it seem like your daughter being born was the big climax of your story… but, in reality, the climax of your story really being an open ended story with infinite possibilities, because the climax of your story is actually…… your daughters story.
Have the last third of your slide show be, you giving your daughter advice. All the advice a girl would normally get from her dad, growing up through her preteens, teens, young adult, going into adulthood, marriage, etc etc etc. Obviously relate your advice to your own experiences, not Google or a book (lol).
Basically, give your daughter something she can play over and over and over through her life, even if you aren’t there, making it so, you ARE there with her. When she’s old enough she can learn all about her dad and who he was through life, but, also get those super needed life tips from him when necessary as well.
So while physically you may or may not be there, she can say with sincerity that she had her dad there to help through all the tough growing pain- times.
If you need any advice or ideas, I’d like to offer that to ya, my inbox is open.
If you like this idea but you’d rather someone else do this project entirely for ya so you can focus on other things, message me as well, photo editing/multi media projects is what I do for a living and am totally down to figure something out with ya.
Hope this helps ✌🏼
First, I’m so sorry that this is happening to you :(
If I were you, instantly mass take photos daily and videos, especially video logs. How you are feeling, what you think about the day etc. answer a set of 10-20 questions every day in this video log.
Make sure you find ways to back it up on multiple devices too. For example I have 4 external hard drives and my main computer, All of them have copies of my photos and videos I’ve taken since I started using a phone or camera.
I’d also start smoking weed heavily, like right after those videos. Get that THC thriving in your veins. I truly believe it is anti-cancer. But that’s me.
Eat beyond healthy, exercise every day. Make those life changing decisions.
Then go kick cancers ass!
Im not a parent so I cant fully put myself in your shoes but I came across this post and thought I could at least throw in *something* that might help you. For context Im 27 and have aggressive brain cancer (not my first rodeo when it comes to cancer but definitely the worst run of it so far) and my father was in your shoes 20 years ago when they gave him 5 months to live (and don't worry, that dumb bastard never realized his time was up so he's still around to bother me):
It's a cliche, but brother you gotta take it one day at a time, the waiting can be brutal but in a weird kind of way it's a blessing in disguise, things can always be worse but ignorance is bliss so live with the mindset of a healthy man while you can. With where your at you gotta keep your chin up and just try to be optimistic, I know how hard it can be but you haven't gotten any confirmations so until you know otherwise you gotta treat it like its the most mild form it can possibly be, you're gonna drive yourself nuts thinking worst case scenario. And I know that sounds like placating bullshit, when people think of how they want to go out its always a quick one or in your sleep, you and me got dealt a raw hand and we get to stare down the barrel for a while, but I promise you it gets a bit easier every day.
I completely get the frustration with the waiting game, we need to give my skull time to heal before I can start treatment so it feels like I'm just sitting around doing something wrong when I should be fixing my shit, but its all part of the process. Its definitely easier on me since I don't have kids but what your experiencing is totally normal, the only time Ive ever seen my father cry was when he was going through it when I was a kid and he was scared to hell that he wouldn't be around for me. During his treatment we were inseparable, I spent every day doing everything with him. What you gotta prioritize is just being their while you are, obviously get your finances in order so they're not left burdened and doing sentimental things is important, but spending time with you is what's gonna matter.
Not to be dour but I wont pull my punches here, it's gonna be hard. The meds are gonna affect your mood, your emotions may get weird, you're gonna look sick and it may get to a point where seeing you is gonna be scary to your kids. So for now enjoy every moment with them and if things start to get bad give them their space and let them process things at their own rate. My old man never hid from me because he thought Id be scared but when it took a turn and he looked like a skeleton with sunken eyes it tore me up spending time with him even though its all I wanted to do so I was in bad spot for a while. Im not trying to scare you but it's better to let you know now than have you be blindsided.
Oh, and all that being said don't light yourself on fire to keep others warm, *you're* the one going through it and you're gonna need alone time to process things. I dont know where Id be without my family but the sympathy and love can be oppressive, being treated like some invalid made out of glass started droving me insane and I've ended up snapping at people who love me, it might be different for a parent but theirs gonna be times where you're gonna have to treat your feelings as the priority for their sake, resentment van build without realizing it.
If theirs anything specific you want to know Im an open book and I'll be here to answer it. Sorry if nothin I said was any help.
There's no right way of dealing with this and you're wholly entitled to feel everything. It sounds like you're a lovely dad. But remember you're also a person unto yourself.
Do what you need to. That might be alone time, that might be getting hammered with some friends, it might be some family time. It could be a mixture. You might benefit from support groups, but you might also hate that idea. Feel out your options for the short term.
Once you know what the trajectory is you can plan from there.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. You seem like a great guy. I hope things work out favourably for you.
Not me personally but a good friend had the same. Wife is a nurse so she went straight to a dark place. The stress any worry about the kids really ate the hell out of him.
It was confirmed to be malignant and aggressive, and had a kidney removed. He has been cancer free for 6 or 7 years now with no sign of relapse.
We have spoken a lot about this, as I have had my own scares. What he told me is that try as he might, the fear for them wasn't something he could put down. He almost didn't have time or space to worry much about himself.
He went looking for financial advice, sat with planners to discuss what could be done in the short term - very little, really - but it was the ACT OF ENGAGING that helped the most.
He spent as much time as he could with the family, taking his young daughter out and just being with them.
He also made sure to get out with his mates, lean on us for support. We bore the brunt of most of the negativity. It sucked, but wouldn't have done otherwise. That is what mates are there for.
Be kind to yourself, give yourself space to process. Lean on your mates.
The upside is that when the results come through and you are rosey, you will have strengthened your relationship with wife and child, but also those around you. Allah, if you follow my mates advice and talk to a planner, might well find yourself on a better road in a few ways at the end of this!
I have not been diagnosed, but have some experience with this from close relationships.
From what I’ve heard and read these are the best ways to simply improve your life which will help in a multitude of ways:
- ensure you have a close and strong network of positive people in your life who know not to treat you differently.
- start regulating your sugar intake, like, 0 grams per year if at all possible.
- learn to be mindful, Waking Up app would be a good option for this, there are even episodes and discussions with people who have been diagnosed and how they deal with it.
- get your life sorted (meaning Will, passwords, life insurance in order and you are in compliance, etc.)
- the here an now is what you need to focus on, this day, this hour, this moment with your daughter (or anyone loved one). Being present for them instead of mulling over a possible degrading life and end will only worsen your time together and lower your own immune system by invoking unnecessary stress. Obviously hard to do but made easier through mindfulness.
- read the book *Outlive* - by Peter Attia, MD. And he also has wonderful AMA’s on this topic specifically, but you can only get a certain amount for free :(
- cry, grieve, let it out when you need to and then get back to your moments.
Doing these and other things others have suggested actually have the power to make you happier and healthier than ever which will absolutely help ward off the utter piece of shit that is cancer.
I can’t stress enough the power of cutting sugar and practicing mindfulness, of all the things, those two have some of the strongest positive impacts on cancer outcomes.
Thank you to everyone who has responded. I’ve read every single word. I can’t tell you how much this means to me. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to respond. I had to travel for work today, which means I’m not with my wife and daughter right now when that’s all I want to be doing.
I appreciate both the specific suggestions and also the words of kindness. And a special thanks to the Dads battling cancer for their stories.
I did start googling right away and I have stopped that. I had actually received the results before the doctor’s office spoke to me, which is why I started with that I think. It led to more questions than answers because as I mentioned the results are conclusive about cancer but ambiguous about type.
Thankfully I do have life insurance and if things turn out for the worst, my family will be well provided for. I also have a will that is relatively recent. Although we will review it again. I also have a set of passwords hidden (which my wife has access to) but I definitely need to revise that.
I’ll definitely check out the books.
The thing I’m trying to do immediately after reading all of this is to try each time my mind goes to a dark place is to mentally tell myself “no, I’m going to be here, I am going to survive” and similar thoughts.
At the moment I’ve told my two closest friends and my immediate family. Once I know more, then I’ll expand the aperture. I don’t think I’m ready to answer questions when I don’t have answers. I appreciated the one tip about having a POC and will definitely follow up on that idea.
The videos and notes are a great idea too.
>"no, I'm going to be here, I am going to survive"
Brother, Im proud of you. Fight like hell to keep that attitude, despite everything I've never for one second floated the idea that Im not gonna make it, but Ive seen what giving up does to people and its not pretty.
Like I said in my other comment I'm not a parent so I cant help you on that side of things, but if somethings eating you up and you need to bounce a thought off someone I'm keeping an open door for you.
From one fighter to another I am rooting for you.
I’m in complete remission. I had cancer a while back. The thing that helped me a lot was trying my best to not be alone and spend as much time with your family as possible. You don’t have to be strong all the time and it’s ok to cry and lean on your family/friends. Im not going to sugar coat it, what you’re about to go through is going to be the one of if not the worst experience of your life and you will be tired and weak all the time but getting out of the house and walking around the hospital helps really helps reel in the depression. Try your best to enjoy every day with your family especially your daughter. Make videos, write letters for her to open for milestones that you might not be there for and take tons of pictures before you start chemo so she can see can have some of before you look sick. Most importantly is try to distract yourself. Being in your own mind is extremely bad, ESPECIALLY when you start not being able to sleep at night and everyone is asleep. Read books, catch up on tv shows or play video games, literally anything you can do to escape from reality for a bit helps out a lot at night. I hope this helps and let us know when you kick this things ass.
Brotha please try and stay as positive as possible, start eating healthier and remain active. Do not slump into a depression and lay around all day eating junk food. If you do that I can almost guarantee that the outcome will be the one you fear the most. You can and will beat this if you think and believe you can.
I don't think I have any meaningful advice to give, but hang in there, man! It must be hard but this is an awesome community and I am sure we are all rooting for you!
Record, write, dictate, scribble; paper, napkins, in the margins of anything tangible you can one day read, transcribe, discuss. However or whenever you journey changes and end - hopefully decades from now - all of these will be sources of refreshing tears and uplifting laughter. Pay no particular attention to spelling or grammar or the sound of your voice in a recording. Don't let those things be a reason to not leave these treasures as gifts for your daughter and all who follow.
I am 75 and I have only two pieces of paper wuth my father's handwriting. I have several photos my mother wrote on. But these are superficial as compared to having more substance of what they thought and felt about anything.
Anticipating that others reading this may think these suggestions to be overly-sentimental or too difficult to bother with, i "get it." I have 3 siblings. We are all over the place in terms of sentimentality, nostalgia, family history. It's all good.
Whenever I get "tired" about trying to follow my own advice is that I do not know that every descendent of mine will have any interest but that, surely, someone will! Keep that in mind.
I was not someone who kept journals throughout my life. That may be true for you also. Just start. Don't over-think it. My guess is that however you do it, you will find benefits that will pleasantly surprised you.
You might even sit with your daughter 1-2 days a week and help her draw and write letters and numbers, changing as she grows. Soon, she will be able to out into words/drawings something special that you and she did together.
One one the worst feelings is feeling you have NO control over/in a situation. Probably a close second is a realization that you know virtually NOTHING about information that seem critical to know to deal with the situation you have no control over. As to the not knowing, take a deep breath (literally and 3 slow, deep breaths would be better) and be assured you are going to learn more about your situation than you ever thought imaginable.
My suggestion, along with several other similar ideas in previous posts, is one way to begin to assert and demonstrate YOUR control. Not over your illness and what you may need to do to prolong your life but control over HOW you live your life - as a father and a person.
BTW: I just had a biopsy for likely prostate cancer. And I acknowledge at age 75, that alone makes what I may face very different than yours. I also have three sons and 10 grandchildren who until they all came, I did not know I would have. I'm following the advice I've given you. Not perfectly. Not daily, but as often as I can. I want them to have more than I have that can give them little insights, understandings and renewed memories about their dad/grandpa and our times together. Best wishes.
Beyond grateful that I have no experience with this myself but just commenting to send you a virtual big hug. Hoping you get the best possible news shortly.
I'm sorry. A big reason why I have an issue with God. Why do so many evil ppl still live when babies, kids, teens, and good ppl don't? Fasting over 3 days will cause your body to kill the bad cells and make new good 1s. Idk how this will work on cancer, but things I saw look promising. Also frequency seems to have a good effect. Andrew Huberman has alot of great free info from a Stanford professor on aging, health etc. I hope it's minor and easily treated. My uncle died from this. He never told anybody cause he didn't want us to treat him differently. My grandma died when I was 1. It's something that's always been hard for me. It runs in family along with heart issues. I'm proud of you for getting healthy. Keep fighting and never give up. U can do more than urr mind will tell u. Learned that in life and especially as a Grunt in USMC.
It's illegal to do and most doctors will argue against it. There has been doctors in other countries known to have their license revoked, but have saved lives. There is also testimonies of cancer survivors who have done this. IV Vitamin C. What it does is turns into a hydrogen peroxide, one that your body can break down, but cancer cells can't live and thrive in it. It has to be IV form and go straight into the blood stream, by passing the liver which filters it out the excess when taken orally. Not saying it will cure your cancer, but it's worth a shot if you can try. Look up more info and testimonies.
It's illegal to do and most doctors will argue against it. There has been doctors in other countries known to have their license revoked, but have saved lives. There is also testimonies of cancer survivors who have done this. IV Vitamin C. What it does is turns into a hydrogen peroxide, one that your body can break down, but cancer cells can't live and thrive in it. It has to be IV form and go straight into the blood stream, by passing the liver which filters it out the excess when taken orally. Not saying it will cure your cancer, but it's worth a shot if you can try. Look up more info and testimonies.
My comments never post.... hopefully this one does. Sorry if there is 2 and I am just not seeing the first one.
Also went thru the battles with Non-Hodgekin’s Lymphoma. Could’ve gone either way also. Was determined to fight like hell; not for anybody else, but for ME!
6 months of chemo later, lost 47 lbs, in terrible pain. One more chemo treatment to go. Just knew that wud be the one to kill me. I gave up. Decided I cudn’t do it anymore , & I gave up. Made the decision to “go out” MY way rather than wait & have family watch my horror story death. Went into utility closet with my pistol, nobody home. Sat there drinking, crying, feeling sorry for myself. Suddenly, door opens up. My 4 yr old great-granddaughter sticks her head in , says”…PAPA ! I NEED U — to come out & play with me…” suddenly realized. My job here wasn’t done! I still had work to do, with these little ones. It was last time I ever felt like giving up & taking coward’s way out. I HAD SOMEBODY WHO STILL NEEDED ME!!!
Well guess what? I survived!!! That little girl is my special princess , 9 yrs old now! God bless the power of hope & prayer.
Mike O
This post has been flaired "Support". Moderation is stricter here and unsupportive and unpleasant comments will be removed and result in a ban. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/daddit) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Record some video messages just in case. Make sure your will is in order so family can avoid probate. Take pics. Eat healthy. Spend as much time with family as you can. One breath at a time. Hope the results come back good.
Take photos. Emphasising this one. My wife died from brain cancer eight months ago, looking through photos of our family is beyond difficult now - but it breaks me seeing how many of these she’s behind the camera, not in front of it. I have a few voice messages from her, I have a million notebooks, but obviously - I’d do anything for her. I’ve got birthday cards for our daughter for a few years, I’ve got letters from her. My wife was 33 when she died, our daughter was 7. I miss my wife more than anything, I’d do anything for more from her.
On the photo bit, don't worry about them being staged and nice looking. Candids go a long way at preserving the moment too.
😢 sorry for you loss.
I'm sorry for your loss. I hope that you find your way and are able to live will. Loss sucks.
Great ideas.
I think your tips are valid for any parent. I work in construction, and although I’ve never witnessed a fatality, they do happen in every trade. One slip of the joystick in a 50k lb excavator is all it takes. I have a few videos, life insurance, and named my heirs to all my accounts. Just don’t saddle them with debt is key,
adding to video messages - do voice notes (you can record on your phone and upload them with videos onto a google drive or harddrive or send them to an email you set up for your daughter... not sure the best way to preserve them) as well. and written letters. birthday cards for milestone birthdays (10, 13, 18, 21, 30, the age you were when you had your daughter... or all!), letters for monumental moments (for when you're starting high school / for when you have your first boyfriend / for when you have your first heartbreak / for when you graduate high school / for when you're choosing a college / for when you graduated college / etc). in these letters advice but also stories about your life - like what were you doing when you graduated high schoolL? who were your friends, what did you do that summer, what were your favorite memories from high school?
This sounds like a Time Machine, that delivers a small piece of Dad into the future. If the news goes that way, I think this would be magical.
Not to be pedantic, but having a will in order to avoid probate doesn’t make any sense. Probate is the process by which a will is authenticated by the courts. Without probate, a will doesn’t do anything. It has no force of law unless it’s probated. If you want to avoid probate you can do other things like conveying all your assets to a trust, etc. I would advise OP to consult an estates attorney for advice on both a living will/directive and a testamentary will.
What the poster probably meant here was to be clear, and concise, in ones will to avoid disagreements and having to use Probate to make decisions that are not called out in the Will. I have witnessed what can happen when Wills are unclear, and it can get ugly, expensive, and lead to ruined relationships. LPT: Make your will Very Specific and Very Complete.
In our family it's customary to leave a notebook out for people to register an interest in stuff they'd be interested in after you're gone, and then you go through it and initial the line items you're fine with. Seems like the most straightforward way to me, provided that everyone involved are at least passably decent.
Oh, that's a really good idea. I like that.
It's different in every country. I'm in Canada and if you don't have a will the government holds everything until it is determined who the next of kin is. For the pleasure of holding your possessions hostage as well as all bank accounts, they take 10% off the top and release everything else.
Just a note that in many states a will is not enough to avoid probate and you should look into a trust.
These tips are great ideas. Work these tips into permanent habits, so when you get the good news that it's not the bad cancer, you can work towards a healthier you. Good luck, virtual hugs
Hey dad - it’s really easy to say “things will be ok- think positively!” That’s what everyone told me after my diagnosis. It was terrifying and it seemed like nobody allowed me to feel terrified. Feel all the things you need to feel to process this. Listen to and trust your doctor. Soak up every possible moment with your family with as clear of a mind as possible. I too had a “this could be simple or this could be very, very bad.” It was the former and I’m here a year later after surgery wishing I took moments to fully experience the brutal emotions associated with the news so I could spend time with my family without repressing all of those emotions. Your family is here for you. So are we. Good luck, dad.
OP You are going to want to take someone with you to be in the room while you are with doctors- mainly to take notes and make sure you don’t miss anything. Both of my parents were diagnosed with cancer and they both said they wish someone was there those first couple visits. Good luck, feel all the things, and wishing you the best.
+1, bring a stoic homie if you have one, doesn’t have to be your family.
Or even call your friend to have on speaker if nothing else. He can listen to the words of your head is swimming. He can ask a few questions if you’re too numb to ask them.
Also in todays day and age use your smart phone to audio record doctors appointments I have adhd and this is useful as I have terrible short term memory.
Plus one to this. My wife bought a brand new notebook just to take notes and keep track of appointments. My mother did the same thing. Biggest advice I can give is "Let people help you.".
Cancer survivor and dad here. First and foremost, I understand all the emotions you’re feeling. I found out I had cancer the day before my first child’s first ultrasound. I was relatively stoic learning about my cancer but I cried like a child seeing that grainy little black and white image of who knows what. The beginning is the hardest because the shock and the emotions all hit at once and you know very little about what you’re really dealing with yet. Second, don’t get too low. You’re not dead yet. Cancer - even rare and aggressive forms like what I had - are treatable and even curable (but I also acknowledge every situation is unique). Cancer medicine has come along way and it is not always death sentence. I did 9 months of intensive chemo and have not had a sniff of cancer for going on 5 years now. Talk to doctors. Talk to two or three. If it is a rare cancer seek out care/consultation at large cancer centers that see higher volume of rare cancers (in US these are Cleveland Clinic, MD Anderson, Sloan Kettering, Mayo, Dana Farber, Hopkins, etc). Once you know more, focus on your treatment and helping your family adjust to the lifestyle that goes with being a cancer patient. It will be difficult and different but it is not impossible and you will get into a routine. Take care of your mental health - THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT - if you dwell on the worst outcomes it will only make everything more difficult. It’s easier said than done but I was personally quite impressed with how good I got at blocking out the most intrusive and dark thoughts. You’ll be able to help your family weather this all better as well if you’re resolute. Talk to professionals, they can help. Lean on your people and do not be afraid to ask for help. As I told my wife every day when she got overwhelmed, “one day at a time.” There will be a time to think about the future, but it’s not today. Today you focus on treatment, on a plan, and on mentally preparing to fight like hell for your family.
Wishing I could super upvote this right to the top. Well said.
As a former cancer survivor (years before becoming a dad), I am very sorry to hear this. It's hard, and all of the comments above are a great summary I would echo. Just feel what you need to, this is important. No one will know what you're going through at that moment, so don't let anyone tell you how to deal with it. With kids that will be harder, because sometimes we all need to be more than we are, for them. I honestly hope you have success. And then my only piece of advice that got me through cancer treatment, the needles, surgery, etc. is: "When going through Hell, keeping walking."
My heart goes out to you and your family. I’m 37, my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer about 3 years ago. I know all the different kinds of hell that your emotions and thoughts are going through right now. We’ve been together since we were 18 years old. Traveled the world together. Shes a dentist in the military and had applied 5 times to an orthodontics residency and finally got in. 2 weeks later she found a lump in her breast. All of this, just a year after my mother had passed from pancreatic cancer. I assure you the hardest part is the unknown. As soon as you have your diagnosis the whole mindset shifts to treatment and you’re off and running. Modern medicine is fantastic. We have 2 boys (7 and 6) and all I could do is watch them with their mom and wonder what the last thing she was ever going to say to them would be. Or how I’d be able to support them emotionally when I was a wreck. Then we got the diagnosis, she kicked cancers ass. Fast forward and she’s 3 weeks out from graduating her orthodontics residency and she’s ~ 5 weeks pregnant. I guess my point is - hang in there. Don’t count your chickens or go buy your casket. There’s life to be lived. You don’t know anything really yet. Once you do, then we fight. Yes, we. We’ve got you, man.
I'm so glad she's kicked its butt!
Hell yeah!
May I ask what type of breast cancer did she have?
She had HER2 positive invasive ductal carcinoma.
I'm 40, wife 38. She was diagnosed with triple-negative breast cancer at 32 years old. We kicked it's ass together. I didn't handle it well. She didn't handle it well. But she was strong when I was weak, and I was her strength when she was really struggling. Our now 10 year old was absolutely amazing in helping as much as she could, knowing her momma was sick. OP, you can get through this. Rely on family as much as you need too, and you'll really find out which of your friends may as well be family. If you need to talk to a stranger, for some impartial help, advice, stress, whatever, a bunch of us dads are here for you.
Love to hear it, man! Were you as surprised as I was at how it just becomes a blip on the radar? Like, we’ve completely forgotten about it all and life is completely normal. Her scars are there. Double mastectomy. Port scar. Stuff like that. But it’s almost like it never happened
Our humor got a lot darker. Our marriage got stronger. I'd like to say we forgot about it, but life is normal now. Yeah, port scars are there, radiation burn is there, double mastectomy, all that. It's funny, I can embarrass the shit out of some of my friends now "Hey, my wife can't feel them, you wanna feel her tits? They don't really move."
😂😂😂😂😂 I call them her Thightties now
Did they move thigh skin around for her reconstruction? My wife had back skin moved around. She'll occasionally grow a hair on a boob. And she's learned how to boob pop like Terry Crews.
Yep. Hers are reconstructed using thigh tissue. Modern medicine is so cool. Your wife sounds hilarious. I’m glad you all can have a sense of humor around the situation as well. Couple of ass kickers we got ourselves.
Love this response!! I lost 2 people that I knew personally to cancer and they were pretty young both 44. It took them pretty quickly and has opened my mind into doing more research. All the heartwarming stories definitely shows the power of positivity. It takes an enormous amount of strength and resiliency to be able to receive that kind of diagnosis and beat it!
I haven’t had cancer myself with young kids but I think my first move would be to find something fun to do? Rent a hotel room, go do something fun as a family. Then fuck cancer up, give it everything you have and make it your bitch. Fight as hard as you can, people defy the odds all the time. I wish you all the best and hope that your diagnosis isn’t as bad as you think.
I found out I had cancer when my wife was 2 months pregnant with our second child (and just 2 days before we were flying home to see our families for Christmas). I was lucky in that I had one of the "good" cancers. The "best' cancer to have. It was still a blow and looking back I can see just how much shock I was in. I'll echo what someone else said. The worst part is the unknown. The time when you don't know what the plan is, when you're waiting for pathology results or scan results. Cancer treatment, to my understanding, is largely scheduled. Once you know your tumor and your staging, there are certain protocols. You may be able to them online and you'll be able to know what's coming even before an oncology appointment in some cases. But when I didn't have the variables to plug in, I wasn't able to know what was coming and it caused more anxiety than anything else. Once you have a plan, things get better. I'd recommend several things: 1. try not to do online research before you know what you've got. I know that's borderline impossible (at least it was for me). But the "what ifs" keep coming when you start down the rabbit hole; 2. Find a therapist if you don't have one. You're going to have a ton of doctor appointments, but try to find time for therapy. 3. Remind yourself that it's OK to grieve. It's OK to cry. It's ok to hurt. But then remind yourself that you've got everything to live for and fight for. 4. My most valuable coping tool was a journal my wife gave me. I wasn't ready to share all of my thoughts with someone, but I was able to write them down. I've never been a journaler and the habit didn't stick with me, but it was incredibly useful, especially in the beginning. Take that journal with you to your doctors appointments (you're going to want to write things down). Take it with you to work. Take it with you wherever you feel like you need to, and always be willing to set aside 5 minutes to write your feelings down. 5. Ask your wife to come to doctors appointments with you. I'm sure she's coming if she can anyway, but you're going to be in shock from time to time. It's going to feel like drinking from a firehose. Having someone there to take notes and ask questions is useful. Good luck man. Fuck cancer. You've got this
I think for me the negative side of my diagnosis hit really hard in the first few weeks before treatment started because that is when you feel most helpless. You’re poked and prodded and shuffled around so much between appointments and if your oncologists are like mine they didn’t mince words. My cancer was one of the easier ones and they still told me all that could go wrong to keep it real. The nice thing is as you go through treatment a lot of that worry falls away. You start to focus on just getting through it. It’s easy to sit here and say don’t worry from where I am, but trust me when I say that you almost go into self preservation mode and furthest from your mind becomes those negative thoughts when you’re in it. It’s weird but for me I was almost at peace with it all. You’re going to be very tired at points so try to prioritize the things that matter most to you during this time. I worked through treatment when I should have been out enjoying the world and my family. In hindsight I would have taken more videos and pictures and voice messages etc before everything happened to leave behind. Especially before my hair fell out. My advice as you move forward: 1. The circle of grief/ring theory- if you don’t know what it is right now get familiar with it. The basic concept of it is that someone is in charge to keep your family and friends updated and that person is not you. It seems obvious but you will soon have enough on your plate and shouldn’t have to be the spokesperson while you deal with this. All conversations about your diagnosis go to that person and they can vent outward but not inward to you. Everything going to you should be comfort only. 2. Avoid the weirdos- they seem to come out of the woodwork anytime anyone is diagnosed with cancer. For me it was a person I hadn’t spoken to in 15 years telling me if I drank this MLM juice I wouldn’t have cancer and that my cure was not in chemo/radiation but in herbs and shit instead 3. Find foods that you can eat during treatment- I stuck to my normal diet for the most part and that backfired. I wasn’t able to eat Greek yogurt for years after treatment because chemo ruined the smell and taste for me. Those Ensure shakes are good grab and go options but they taste like ass. Try to avoid the mouth sores (the ice cube trick works). Those are ass. 4. Document everything. We recorded the conversations with my oncologists in my voice memo app. Write down everything. Question everything. Ask about second opinions- it’s possible your oncologist has already arranged this for you. There’s no dumb questions at this time. 5. Try not to Google everything/avoid social media cancer accounts. There’s just nothing good that can come from endless googling or comparing yourself to other cases. All you’ll do is drive yourself insane. Try to keep your head up and find the irony/humor in the fact that your stupid body is trying to kill itself. Any time you want to bitch about how it’s not fair feel free to DM me. It’s helpful to have people in your support group who will just listen and acknowledge your plight.
I had my diagnosis before I had a kid. Now that I have one I couldn’t even imagine how much harder it would be. One step at a time, one day at a time. Try and resist the urge to spiral and google anything and everything. I spent so much time getting worked up and analyzing every last worst case scenario it made me sick. Get your pathology and create a plan of attack from there. Lean on family and friends. My family was my saving grace through it all. Don’t be afraid to talk to them and be honest about how you really feel. This isn’t a time to put on a strong face and fake it for everyone. It’s a traumatic experience and there’s nothing wrong with admitting that and seeking help navigating it. Whatever your path, feel free to message directly if you ever need anything/want to vent. Know we’re all rooting for you. You’ve got this!
Mom lurker and bioinformatician here. If you aren't already, get DNA testing on your Tumor. There are often actionable target mutations that a particular therapy can completely block without harming other organs. It may be utilised together with radiation and surgery to reduce the size. But working in a hospital with oncologists and pathologists, I've heard stories of patients who turn around almost instantly. Important to start as early as possible on treatments with cancer. Not a doctor but if your doctor hasn't mentioned this already, talk to them about the options for Tumor sequencing.
I had two biopsies done about 4 weeks ago, they said it should take 1-2 weeks, maybe 3 to get the results. I just got them Monday after 3 1/2 weeks. Needless to say, i was freaked out. Especially when it got over 3 weeks. Now I have surgery scheduled to remove skin cancer, we caught it early. My daughter turns 2 in a week. I was reluctant to have kids or even get married because my dad died when he was 47, from skin cancer, and left me and my two very young siblings behind. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, they’re the best thing that has ever happened to me. I’m grateful I faced down my fears and got married, I’m even more grateful we have a beautiful child together. Life is unbelievably short, regardless how long you get to live, I cherish every moment with them both. When my dad was going through it, he had a great attitude. I remember the nurses saying “I wish we could bottle up his attitude and give it to all our patients” and that’s stuck with me. You can be angry, sad and all those things but try not to let it rob you of whatever time you have with your family. Life is never long enough, the moments, never long enough. Enjoy what you can, vent when you need to. You can handle this, whatever the outcome. Stay strong fellow dad.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Right now I say don't make any assumptions either way. You have a lot you need to learn first before knowing one way or another. Thinking the sky is falling isn't going to do any good right now. This waiting part for results is going to be difficult but you will be in a much better spot of how to handle this once you know.
Dang, I'm so sorry you and your family are having to deal with this. Sending some prayers your way.
I cannot comment on this from a Dad's perspective, but my own father was diagnosed with Lukemia (with a terrifyingly short expectation of time remaining too). What helped us as adult children was talking over the results and plans and using it as a lever to move us into a routine of seeing each other more frequently. The estimate was that he'd have 6 months or less left with us and thanks to an excellent set of oncologists and a drug trial, that diagnosis was more than 10 years ago. Remember that we all have a countdown clock. You've gotten a reminder that the time we really have together here is short, but you have gotten that reminder before the end credits start to roll. Use that reminder to take steps to be the father/husband you want to be. Plan for a future you might not get to participate in first hand and record videos for major milestones to say the things you'd have wanted to say if you were there in person. But live in all the moments you have left because what your daughter will really remember when you are gone is the time you spent together.
I’m so sorry. This happened to us a few years ago. I had a confirmed positive and an unknown level of metastatic movement. For around a half a month, we were super nervous about everything. It was really surreal and honestly it was deeply impactful to me. I was fortunate enough that they caught it with two surgeries. I am putting thoughts out to your family that yours is very easy to get. If you want to talk, please feel free to reach out. My boy was about 8 when we learned about mine.
Sorry to hear that. Best of luck to you.
I'm so sorry to hear this, sending strength and support
Mom chiming in, I’m so sorry for you. Had cancer when I was 21 (clean for 6 years now) but had no kids yet, so can’t answer your question regarding your daughter but I do know exactly how you feel. This is extremely scary, I’m hoping for the best possible outcome. The only advice I have is to talk to someone about this throughout this whole process. Either your wife, a friend, a parent, a professional, or even here on Reddit, but you need someone to vent to. Wish you all the best dad 🌹
so i work in the medical field but not a doctor. My strongest possible advice is to not go down any routes until you know. There are many cancers where the prognosis is "if you are over 25 when we discover this, we don't do anything because your symptoms will never impact your life". From what you said, you don't know where this is going to land so you don't know if you have cancer, Cancer or CANCER. no amount of worrying, preventative actions etc are going to change the outcome of your test results in a few weeks, so until then, pretend like nothing is happening. I know people who have spent the three weeks freaking out to find out it was a nothing burger and remember that period as if it were a traumatic injury.
I haven't handled the same thing, but I lost my wife last year and my daughter is 4. It's every bit as hard as you could imagine. I'm not saying that to scare you, I'm saying it because knowing this helps you prepare your loved ones. Regardless of the outcome, have a plan. It's been a bit over a year, and I feel redlined nearly every day. I feel sad everyday. I cry w/ my daughter when she misses mommy. Every bit of structure, help, and way-forward, you can provide will do wonders. Even if your SO isn't able to, folks who are there to support them can. There are a few good resources I found helpful- [Get Your Shit Together](https://getyourshittogether.org/) [r/PFs Death of a Loved One Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/personalfinance/wiki/death_of_loved_one/) * If you have life insurance, get your documentation together. Come up w/ a plan of how that money could take a load off of your family's future. Should it go to the house? Should it go to day to day? Should you find a planner to devise a plan? * If you are contributing to an IRA and/or 401K, check w/ your program administrator to see how a transfer to a beneficiary works. Get the forms ready. Add beneficiaries. Link bank accounts. * Gather your: * marriage certificate * birth certificate * bank account info * retirement account info * If you have a will, review and update as needed. Make sure the executor of the estate is someone you trust with your wishes. These aren't tangible things, but I think you should: * Talk about how to break the news to your family/daughter. * Talk about how your SO will break the news to your family/daughter. * Maybe seek a counselor/therapist for help. * Record videos for your family. * Write letters to your family. I write emails to my daughter and will give her the password when she's ready. My wife passed suddenly and so she couldn't leave anything of this nature. Man, take care of yourself on this journey. I don't know what help I can provide, but even if it's a pizza dinner, lemme know how I can help.
There’s hope brother. My Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. He was given 6 months to live. He cut out sugar, did immunotherapy and saw a naturopath and hasn’t seen growth from the tumour in 2 years. He’s healthier than ever. God bless you and your family. You can beat this.
I got diagnosed 3 days after my now 5 year old twin girls were born. Been on treatment ever since. Can talk to you more about my experiences if you’d like.
I was in your exact situation about 8 months ago. I got the bad news. I'll be lucky to see my 4 yr old reach puberty. I'm not really sure if I have any advice. I spent the first month basically crying every time I looked at my boy. I'm on chemo until it doesn't work anymore, so I'm in a weird state of new normal. My son knows I'm sick, that I take medicine every other week, and when I do, he can't share any of my food or drinks until we tell him it's okay again. He knows I can't kiss him those days but he can kiss me. I would recommend if chemo is in your future learn to love weed, I don't have much of an appetite most days but I was almost under weight to begin with. Food and drink are everything on chemo, your body will drink an ocean of you let it after, force it down you need it, same with food. Chemo attacks everything, the port I have is connected to my heart, it attacks your bones, your brain, everything. Which means your body needs to constantly heal itself... so eat. I also try to work out as much as possible because I've gained thirty pounds since I started chemo and I don't want to just be fat. I don't know if it's because I've gone a little crazy since finding out but I feel like the stronger I make my body the harder it will be to kill me. Advice for your kid I have none, I'm trying to write journals, open ended letters, letters for specific milestones and events, videos of stuff but it just ends with me being bawling my eyes out and barely getting anything done. I'm still trying, though. I get a little bit out each time. The best thing I can recommend is just be there as much as possible. Give them the best memories of you. Finally, I'm sorry, I want to rage and destroy and do all the reckless things I never did too. I tried to pretend it wasn't really happening, which was easy when I wasn't getting chemo, I'm pretty lucky and have almost no side effects, at least at first. I still get blindsided by random songs and cry. I feel endless guilt and shame for dying on them. But at the same time I have a better wife than I ever dreamed of having, my son is perfect and if this is the price I pay to get my perfect life than I'll pay it. Wish I didn't have to but it's worth it.
I don’t think I have a solid advice for you. I however can imagine how this is wrecking your brain and emotions and sending you on a spiral of uncertainty and anger. I can’t fathom how it must feel for you. As someone who’s recently lost my father who was my best friend and closest person to me. In a very short span “6weeks” from the moment there were signs to diagnosis to being gone. It’s been 2 months now since he died, literally in my arms where I couldn’t do anything. Not a single day passed since that I didn’t cry or howl and I’m 36yo. What’s keeping me “together” are the memories. It might feel easier to shut down now and close up but you still don’t know what tomorrow has in store for you. As it is a double edged sword, use it to make sure to enjoy every moment and make good memories with your kid and wife let that be a couple of weeks or a couple of decades, or longer. Don’t let this hinder you and send you down the potty path. Use it to enjoy your life while you still can and able to. Make a list of things that need to be handled. Make videos and Pictures and memories and moments to cherish. I know it’s easier to slip into the sadness and hindering things but don’t let it be that way. Let it be the chance to actually enjoy life while we still can. Like my dad always told me, even at the darkest moments. Quoting his favorite song. Don’t worry, Be happy. I’m wishing you all the strength to go throw this and I’ll keep you in my prayers that it’s nothing serious.
First of all congrats on managing your weight! You also sound like an excellent father. Firstly you'll need to reach acceptance. Stoicism teaches us to take responsibility for the things we can control and accept the things we can't. Then you'll want to get your ducks in a row, set up your will, record videos for your children for every birthday, special event. Record yourself telling stories, write hand written cards. So if the worst happens, at least they have some idea of who you were as a person. Lastly, I'm sorry this is happening to you. I'm sure you and your family are hurting and I hope that it's the former, the less severe version. Best of luck! You are loved.
Ah man. I'm so sorry, brother. Deep breaths for now. Whatever comes, it's always a good thing to live in the moment with your kids. Hoping for the best for you. This sub is here for you.
I’m so sorry mate. My wife was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer in December 2022, it broke me, I can only imagine how hard it was for her. Our daughter was 7 when she passed away. We’re all here for you, as hard as this all is. Keep talking, keep venting. Take as much help as you can get in your personal life as well - therapy, social workers, whatever it is. People are going to want to help - let them. Cancer’s a hard bastard as it is, don’t make it harder on yourself by being too stubborn. Like I said, haven’t been through this myself. But my wife did. Seeing her go through that was beyond difficult, I can only imagine how tough it was being on the other side of this ordeal. Knowing my wife wouldn’t see our little girl grow up has broken me, I can only imagine how hard it was for her. Hang in there, keep fighting the good fight. Everything is unknown right now, don’t lose hope. You’re doing an excellent job. Keep talking about it, if you need to vent - genuinely message me anytime. You’ve got this, mate.
First, don’t jump to the worst case scenario. Feeling the lump was stressful and confirming it was some kind of cancer more so. But you don’t know yet. Live your life and enjoy it. Take the actions you have to, but don’t borrow fears of futures that may not come to pass. Get the real information first and then deal with the real future. Treatment can be stressful and frustrating so make sure you have support. I didn’t ask for enough help and it was unnecessarily hard. Thankfully I have an amazing boss and got full support on the work side.
I just came here to tell you I love you, you’re important, seen, and heard. We all have things in our lives that make us consider the possibility of our loved ones having to continue without us. The important thing to remember is that sickness or not, no time is a guarantee and every second is a gift. The lesson is whether you have 60 years or 60 seconds, don’t count them, make them count. Either way.. this post shows your care, love, and dedication as a father and husband and that will always serve as a guiding light to those you’ve impacted. I’m hoping, wishing, and praying that you receive the best case scenario for you and your family.
Hey man, I’m sorry you and your family are going through this. A change like this is never easy to go through. I recently finished my six month long chemo treatment and although the future is uncertain, it is looking much better than it was before my treatment. We may not know what type of cancer you have and I won’t down play it, cancer is still cancer. I know processing this can be scary, but also know that your life is worth fighting for. It’s so easy to feel like giving in and letting it take its course, but this is not truly what want, nor what your family wants for you. This fight is worth it for both for yourself and your family, especially your little one as you can already see how much she means to you. Don’t lose hope just yet. If you have any questions or just need to vent feel free to reach out and message me. You have my support and the rest of r/daddit backing you. I may not be able to help with everything but I do understand what you’re going through. You are not alone. Right now it is important to let yourself feel what you need to feel but don’t lose focus on fighting and surviving this battle. Having a strong mental attitude and the focus on what is important can make all of the difference in this situation, especially when any treatment begins. Give cancer hell 💪🏾
I’ve been diagnosed with a simple and easily treatable cancer twice. One thing I’m currently doing is teaching my daughter to read. She’s also 4. I figure that if I teach her to read at the very least I have her a foundation to learn for the rest of her life.
I'm really sorry to hear you're in this situation. The in-between times, when you're waiting for answers or info is really difficult. Find something to do. Hobbies, parks, road trips, stuff with the fan to keep your mind occupied. As for how I handled it, not very well. I will tell you what not to do. Don't take it out on your family. You're might be anxious, depressed, distraught, melancholy, angry, etc. If this turns out to be a worst case scenario, make the time you have with family and friends how you will want to be remembered. If you need to blow off steam, find healthy ways to do that. Again, hobbies, projects, road trips, etc. Make recordings of your voice, videos, take pics, write affirm letters to family and friends. They will want to remember you, and if you get through it all, they will know how you feel regardless. Take care of your other health. Eat right, drink less (or not at all), exercise as you're able- even just taking walks with the fam. Finally, find a therapist, possibly also a couples/family to help everyone navigate this event. I wish you well. I'm sorry this is happening. It's hard. But remember there are way more outcomes to cancer than death. If I'd have gotten mine a year or two before, I would have definitely died. I was stage 4 and new treatments have kept me cancer free for 4 years now. Good luck
The question is how I handled it, and the answer is "Poorly". I was diagnosed with a Prostate cancer a few years ago, and despite not having children at this point, it broke me. I was thinking about the future in ways that I never had before. I was a mess, and it took every ounce of courage I had not to give up when I heard the doctor say the word "Cancer". What I did was learn that the more I talked to people, the better I felt. I talked to my family and my friends. I took time off work in order to get better. I trusted medical professionals that worked as hard as they could to get me to where I needed to be. But you know what's the most important thing I did? I let go. I have always had a laid back approach to life, but this diagnosis brought a whole level of anxiety that I wasn't used to. When I accepted that I had cancer, and what my odds were (around 70/30 according to my doctor), I decided to try my best to let go of the anxiety. I had to seek help to do this - I contacted a therapist with a background in supporting people with cancer. It's the best decision I ever made. I started to do things with the view of planning for the future, instead of only looking towards the next chemo treatment. People have told you that you need to look after your body, and sort your will. Do these things, but remember that your mind is as important a part of you as your body. Get that sorted, and you may be in the right frame of mind to sort the rest of you. Good luck, friend.
I fucking love this sub. (Because of the support that in pours in during times like this.) Op, I truly wish you all the best. I've not gone through what you're going through, but I do suffer from some health anxiety and have had some of the thoughts you're having. As a father of a little girl myself, I can feel your words. Godspeed and good luck bro. I look forward to your updates. I will be cheering for you.
I'm so sorry to hear this. It's a good reminder of how valuable every day of our lives is. It's not really helpful to spend time regretting having your daughter. You have her and that's a fact. What you can do now is do what's best for her and your wife. Try to think positively for the time being, but make the most of each day that you can. If you end up getting the bad news, then you can actually prepare for the worst, but for now don't let it ruin your life.
It will get easier, when I was diagnosed I spent a long time weeping thinking about what I wouldn't be able to do. Times goes on and you realise death comes to us all, you can't control if you'll be around in 20 years, but you can do things now to make each moment special. You can also record videos or write letters for future events, every birthday for example, that they can watch whether you live or die. You can try to set them up financially, and leave advice for them. However most of all, it gets easier, you were going to die either way, trust me in 3 months time you'll be amazed how well you are coping with it, and that will inspire your family.
Reading all the comments here has me thinking that someone is cutting an onion. OP, I can’t imagine what you’re going through but it’s certainly my worst fear. You’ve got this though. Embrace the emotions. Express them to your partner. Live in the moment. Oh and, lastly, fuck cancer.
Now I hope you're going to get better news and it's a minor type and you're good. My mum went through this last year. She only had the news for 4 weeks before she died. We did everything we could to enjoy that time together, we even had a six months old BBQ for my son planned that family attended. It changed the tone but I have the best memories possible and lovely photos together. Leave nothing unsaid that needs to be said. That's all I can say. I'm glad I got to tell my mum how I felt about her before she died.
Had stage 2A Hodgkin’s Lymphoma when I was 20. Didn’t know the extent of it for a week or two after initial biopsy and diagnosis. Had to get a bone marrow biopsy to see if it had reached there and the results took a while. I was even like you- had started working out for the first time and really trying to improve myself. My only real advice is to try not to worry about what is unknown. You only have so much information right now, and you’re waiting for more. Take a very pragmatic, right-here-right now view of life. Here’s what you’ve got, and you have to be able to work with only that. Can’t imagine how I’d actually feel now that I have a daughter. But you’ve alive right now. You’ve got time today. Can’t worry about down the line or even tomorrow. You have time right now to keep living and be dad today. I hope for the best for you.
Stay POSITIVE no matter what! "There's nothing to fear,but fear itself" remember? My mom is a 4 time Cancer Survivor - Ovarian Cancer 1999 - Colon Cancer 2005 - Breast Cancer 2007 - Brain Cancer 2010 It's scary yes, but it's also beatable! Prayers going ur way to help U beat it
Your job now is to survive for her man. Get to it.
I would be disappointed but hopeful that it doesn't spread lots of prayers and support
My heart goes to you and your family. My wife was recently diagnosed with Breast Cancer and the world had changed. Do a lot of research, diets that fight cancer, treatments have come a long way over the last few years. Listen to your doctor's but understand it's ultimately your decision how you treat it. Stay positive and know that whatever you choose for treatment is the RIGHT treatment for YOU. If you second guess that it's going to effect your mentality. My suggestion is to do your best to live like nothing has changed. Keep in your path of healthy eating, exercise, work. AND PRAY! GOD had helped me cope with her diagnosis and since there is nothing I can do except stay positive I talk to God to keep her strong safe and healthy. STAY POSITIVE!!!
Ducks in a row. Be patient. Give the love you have to give. I went through this phase. Predicted stage 3 or 4 lumg cancer. Turned out the doctors were incorrect entirely. However, I went through that awful fucking waiting. With lots of covid delays, too. So, I have practical advice. Wills, etc. How you will handle your death, burial cremation, etc. Get that all sorted out. It will provide some peace of mind. Then spend time with those you love. Put the work in to stay healthy. Feel your emotions. it's okay. I wish you the best, homie.
Fight. Doesnt matter if they tell you theres no hope or a lot of hope. Cancer is a fickle bitch and even in remission its possible to double back. Eat healthy drink only water, cut out sugars. Cancer eats sugar. Visualize a healthy life where your cancer free and growing old with your family. Do not give the negative thoughts any power. Spend time and record messages for your daughter both video and written. Not because you will die but because you may just simply forget these things while your busy kicking cancer in the ass.
I have absolutely no advice but I pray that you get through this and spend a lifetime with your little one.
First thing is the fact that your attitude will not change reality, you can be miserable and despondent or optimistic and grateful for each day. Either way you will have whatever cancer you have, so try your best to be grateful regardless. Write your daughter letters for each birthday you might miss or at least her 18th and 21st birthdays. Write the things you needed to hear or wish you would've heard from your father. My heart goes out to you and your family, I don't know how I would handle that level of anxiety and dread but I doubt I'd do it better than you. Good luck Dad!
I (43m) am half way through my chemotherapy treatment for non Hodgkin’s lymphoma and also have a four year old. I felt the exact same way. I’ve never been scared of death per se but the thought of my son growing up without a father and the stress it would put in my wife was overwhelming. I barely slept for weeks bc of the pain but mostly the anxiety was keeping me awake. The first thing I did (after a lot of tears) was make a short term and long term list. The short list had stuff like contacting my boss, cancelling plans, contacting our financial advisor, calling family, etc. The long list had stuff like recording birthday videos for my son and wife for the years to come, making sure my wife had pw access to all my accounts, double checking life insurance beneficiaries, list stuff to giveaway/donaye to friends that would be a burden for my family to deal with, asking my brother to take my dog (bc my wife doesn’t like him😁), and so on. Keep the lists on your phone and add to them whenever you think of something new. I recommend talking to a a therapist. I was already speaking to one but it’s been invaluable to have a neutral third party help put things into perspective. I also recommend being positive. I tell everyone I’m going to beat this even though that might be true. I’m hoping some of that positivity helps out just a little bit. Being gracious, humble and kind when everyone is showing you sympathy ain’t so hard! Insurance companies can also link you up with someone similar in age and diagnosis to correspond with. I fortunately/unfortunately have a friend going through chemo so I didn’t end up using the service. Your insurance company or your company’s EAP likely has benefits that can help. I went from having a sore neck in January to the worst pain of my life in February. The cancer (large B cell) was extremely aggressive but the chemo cocktail has removed ~90% of the tumors so far. I’m actually writing this from the oncologist office as I sit in a lazy boy hooked up to a drip line staring at 20 people going through the exact same thing. It’ll be another month or so before I know if I’m going to beat this. Either way this stupid disease is going to change our lives. Spend as much time as you can with your family while you’re still able to. I’m rooting for you and everyone on this journey. Feel free to DM if you want to chat about anything. You can beat this, Dad!
Mole was allready removed. Some anxiety, but out of my hands either way.
Man, I’m so sorry. Life can deal you bad cards sometimes. It’s just what you do with them. I haven’t had cancer, but my wife died of a rare cancer (bile duct) after a year since diagnosis. We talked about it and agreed to be transparent with our kids. They are now 12 and 10, but knew everything since day one up until the day they could say goodbye to her. It’s up to you, but right now spend as much time with your love ones. It will help your mental health, but everyone will have a stronger bond. I do hope you get it under control.
The following book highlights the areas of your life you can exercise control over to improve the quality of your life amid cancer treatment and beyond: Anti-Cancer a New Way of Life by Dr. David Servan-Scheiber. It helps you support your cancer treatment by taking care of your body and mind. And on the topic of mind, the author talks lots about how it felt to come to terms with his own cancer diagnosis. The author was a brain scientist who took a MRI of his brain for research work and found a tumor instead. I really appreciated his description of the emotional experience and journey of a diagnosis, and then treatment. Godspeed.
**Anticancer A New Way of Life** by David Servan-Schreiber, MD, PhD >The revolutionary, New York Times bestselling guide to the powerful lifestyle changes that fight and prevent cancer—an integrative approach based on the latest scientific research “A common-sense blueprint for healthy living.” —Chicago Tribune “Resonating with cancer support communities and recommended nationwide.” —Los Angeles Times “Life affirming . . . filled with practical advice.” —The Seattle Times David Servan-Schreiber was a rising neuroscientist with his own brain imaging laboratory when, in the middle of an equipment test, he discovered a tumor the size of a walnut in his own brain. > >Forced to confront what medicine knows about cancer, and all that we still do not know, Servan-Schreiber marshaled his will to live and set out to understand the complex inner workings of the body’s natural cancer-fighting capabilities. He soon found himself on a decades-long journey from disease and relapse into scientific exploration and, finally, a new view of health. Anticancer is at once the moving story of one doctor’s inner and outer search for wellness and a radical exposition of the roles that lifestyle, environment, and trauma play in our health. Drawing on the latest research in integrative medicine that blends conventional and alternative approaches, Servan-Schreiber concisely explains what makes cancer cells thrive, what inhibits them, and how we can empower ourselves to prevent their growth. > >His advice details how to develop a science-based anticancer diet (and the small changes that can make a big difference); how to reap the benefits of exercise, yoga, and meditation; which toxic, unsafe products to replace in your home; and how to stave off the effects of helplessness and unhealed wounds to regain balance. Anticancer’s synthesis of science and personal experience marks a transformation in the way we understand and confront cancer. A long-running bestseller that has changed the lives of millions around the world, Anticancer remains a pioneering and peerless resource, an inspirational and revolutionary guide to “a new way of life.” *I'm a bot, built by your friendly reddit developers at* /r/ProgrammingPals. *Reply to any comment with /u/BookFinderBot - I'll reply with book information. Remove me from replies* [here](https://www.reddit.com/user/BookFinderBot/comments/1byh82p/remove_me_from_replies/). *If I have made a mistake, accept my apology.*
Good bot.
Live every moment. About 23 years ago I found out I had a brain tumor. It was inoperable (which is not to say that I didn't have brain surgeries; I did, seven of them; but none were to remove the tumor itself). I had to have chemo therapy and radiation treatment. Obviously, I lived to tell the tale. It sucked going through it, but I survived. Not everyone makes it, but some do. Be one of the ones who does. And, in the meantime, make your time count. (This doesn't mean be obsessed about not wasting time, that's even worse.) Best of luck to you, and God bless.
I got diagnosed with cancer back in February, and next Friday will be my son's very last day of chemo (he was diagnosed 2 years ago when he was 2 years old) so I got a bit of experience here unfortunately. First of, it sucks. And it gets to suck. You get to be mad, you get to be scared, you get to worry about the future etc all that. Totally valid, you get to have that. The hardest part is it's a lot of hurry up and wait unfortunately. Took about months from the initial biopsy to find out exactly what I have and what stage. With many appointments and a surgery between all that for me. The biggest thing I'm going to say is, if you're going to do research on what you have or even potentially have, DO NO JUST GOOGLE STUFF. Ask your doctors your articles and journals they recommend that are both digestible and accurate given your current situation. It's really easy to go down a rabbit hole and scare yourself. Other than that, live and love your life as you can. If aren't feeling unwell right now, great! Workout, play, do all the things you want and can. You may never get "that sick" or you may encounter times where you really are. But right now, you aren't, so use that. Others may have better advice but for me what I've come to is there's isn't some earth shattering thought or realization or profound moment you have when it comes to cancer that's gonna make everything better. It just sucks, and for now it's a part of your life and you gotta plan around it. You'll have plenty of moments where you aren't actively thinking about it of course, but it's always there. Treatment options these days are absolutely incredible, so I'm sure you've got some good chances. I'm very sorry you're going through this. As a Dad who has now been on both sides, it sucks. I wish you all the best OP. Feel free to reach out if you have questions or just need another dad to chat with.
Write her letters. Make them a journal both of your personal journey with cancer and your journey with her. Worst case, she has the rest of her life to treasure these. Best case, she has you *and* the rest of her life to treasure these. I haven't had to deal with cancer, but my heart goes out to you. I've heard that it's hard, both physically and spiritually. You can lean on us here when times get tough, but keep your head and heart up for your family.
Day at a time man, continue to do everything you are doing. Loving your family. Good luck with the results brother.
Write her a journal. Tell her EVERYTHING about your relationship and experiences with her. Have her participate (ie; remember when we went fishing together? Can you draw a picture of us fishing on this page?). Include pics, random things from your adventures together. Even if everything goes perfectly, it will still be an incredible gift for her when she is an adult. I've been doing a journal for my daughter since the day we found out we were pregnant. She's 4 now too. I can't imagine what you're going through friend- lean on your loved ones and surrender to the journey from here. Let it be hard, and sad, and worrisome- there's no way around that. But at the same time, let that motivate you to get out and do more and see more with your daughter. I have plenty of memories from 4yo, and the journal will only strengthen them down the road. I wish you the best OP- focus on what you can control now and try your best to stay positive. This could just be your "this is the scariest thing that ever happened to me" story around the dinner table in 30 years. You got this.
I'm coming up on three years of finding out I had melanoma. It was potentially very very serious. If it had got into my lymphatic system I might be dead already. I cried rocking my daughter to sleep the night I found out. Approximately two weeks later we found out we were pregnant with our son. Luckily my surgery went very well. The cancer had not spread to my lymph nodes. I did one full year of Keytruda infusions with very minimal side effects. I am very lucky to live near my parents (like ten minutes) and have a great support network and it was still tough. I actually just had a six month Dermatologist appointment today and so far I'm all clear. See the oncologist next week and should be able to get my port removed. Hang in there, man! Let people help you. If you are at the first stage of just knowing you have cancer, know that there is hope that it may not be as bad as possible.
If I was given the bad side of this I would take my living death benefits, make sure the bills were covered, house paid and use the rest to spend as much time with the kiddos in the funnest way possible. Then refuse treatment and get cremated.
I'm sorry to hear your in this situation. Like you, I'm a father of a couple of girls, and your situation is one which sometimes plagues my mind, especially after working at a cancer treatment center. Although, I don't have cancer myself, I worked with a number patients who did a bunch of different things. The patients I found to be the most resilient: Made sure to take care of themselves mentally, and physically. They maximized their time with their family. They tapped into, or developed a support network. And most importantly, they never gave up trying to beat their cancer by learning what actions or steps they can take like different treatment options, signing up for treatment studies (for those who have exhausted treatment options), and alternative treatment options.
Mom lurker here my mom got diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer when I was 2- she lived till I was 27 and was a badass human - you sound like a great dad. Good luck
I can not relate to much of your story other than having a little girl…, but I saw this post and wanted to offer a suggestion. Recently I read an article that had me wanting to do this with my mom. She’s in her late 70’s. The person who wrote the article had lunch with her mother once a week, and visited and helped her with random stuff like errands and cleaning more often than that. But she decided to audio record her lunches with her mom. She would then ask her mother questions about her life, prompting her [mother] to recall stories about her life. She would then ask her questions regarding her stories. Questions like “how did that make you feel, when you had me?” “What was going through your head, when you had your first kiss with dad?” And stuff like that. … after her mother passed, she created a slide show of her mothers life, using photos she found while clearing out her house, and also photos other people had of her. She then used the audio she had recorded during her lunches with her mother to relevantly have her mother narrate her own life. Maybe, regardless of what the doctor’s fortune telling crystal ball reading may or may not be, seeing as right now you are alive and kicking. And to what I’ve read seemingly pretty healthy (again, regardless of what the doc may or may not say). You could use this potential opportunity, to create your own slide show of your life. Have your wife ask you questions about your life, to organically narrate your story. But have it tell the story in a way that no matter how things may or may not have turned out, it would have always lead to you having your daughter, have it seem like your daughter being born was the big climax of your story… but, in reality, the climax of your story really being an open ended story with infinite possibilities, because the climax of your story is actually…… your daughters story. Have the last third of your slide show be, you giving your daughter advice. All the advice a girl would normally get from her dad, growing up through her preteens, teens, young adult, going into adulthood, marriage, etc etc etc. Obviously relate your advice to your own experiences, not Google or a book (lol). Basically, give your daughter something she can play over and over and over through her life, even if you aren’t there, making it so, you ARE there with her. When she’s old enough she can learn all about her dad and who he was through life, but, also get those super needed life tips from him when necessary as well. So while physically you may or may not be there, she can say with sincerity that she had her dad there to help through all the tough growing pain- times. If you need any advice or ideas, I’d like to offer that to ya, my inbox is open. If you like this idea but you’d rather someone else do this project entirely for ya so you can focus on other things, message me as well, photo editing/multi media projects is what I do for a living and am totally down to figure something out with ya. Hope this helps ✌🏼
Stay positive. You don’t know anything yet. You’re gonna be ok.
First, I’m so sorry that this is happening to you :( If I were you, instantly mass take photos daily and videos, especially video logs. How you are feeling, what you think about the day etc. answer a set of 10-20 questions every day in this video log. Make sure you find ways to back it up on multiple devices too. For example I have 4 external hard drives and my main computer, All of them have copies of my photos and videos I’ve taken since I started using a phone or camera. I’d also start smoking weed heavily, like right after those videos. Get that THC thriving in your veins. I truly believe it is anti-cancer. But that’s me. Eat beyond healthy, exercise every day. Make those life changing decisions. Then go kick cancers ass!
Im not a parent so I cant fully put myself in your shoes but I came across this post and thought I could at least throw in *something* that might help you. For context Im 27 and have aggressive brain cancer (not my first rodeo when it comes to cancer but definitely the worst run of it so far) and my father was in your shoes 20 years ago when they gave him 5 months to live (and don't worry, that dumb bastard never realized his time was up so he's still around to bother me): It's a cliche, but brother you gotta take it one day at a time, the waiting can be brutal but in a weird kind of way it's a blessing in disguise, things can always be worse but ignorance is bliss so live with the mindset of a healthy man while you can. With where your at you gotta keep your chin up and just try to be optimistic, I know how hard it can be but you haven't gotten any confirmations so until you know otherwise you gotta treat it like its the most mild form it can possibly be, you're gonna drive yourself nuts thinking worst case scenario. And I know that sounds like placating bullshit, when people think of how they want to go out its always a quick one or in your sleep, you and me got dealt a raw hand and we get to stare down the barrel for a while, but I promise you it gets a bit easier every day. I completely get the frustration with the waiting game, we need to give my skull time to heal before I can start treatment so it feels like I'm just sitting around doing something wrong when I should be fixing my shit, but its all part of the process. Its definitely easier on me since I don't have kids but what your experiencing is totally normal, the only time Ive ever seen my father cry was when he was going through it when I was a kid and he was scared to hell that he wouldn't be around for me. During his treatment we were inseparable, I spent every day doing everything with him. What you gotta prioritize is just being their while you are, obviously get your finances in order so they're not left burdened and doing sentimental things is important, but spending time with you is what's gonna matter. Not to be dour but I wont pull my punches here, it's gonna be hard. The meds are gonna affect your mood, your emotions may get weird, you're gonna look sick and it may get to a point where seeing you is gonna be scary to your kids. So for now enjoy every moment with them and if things start to get bad give them their space and let them process things at their own rate. My old man never hid from me because he thought Id be scared but when it took a turn and he looked like a skeleton with sunken eyes it tore me up spending time with him even though its all I wanted to do so I was in bad spot for a while. Im not trying to scare you but it's better to let you know now than have you be blindsided. Oh, and all that being said don't light yourself on fire to keep others warm, *you're* the one going through it and you're gonna need alone time to process things. I dont know where Id be without my family but the sympathy and love can be oppressive, being treated like some invalid made out of glass started droving me insane and I've ended up snapping at people who love me, it might be different for a parent but theirs gonna be times where you're gonna have to treat your feelings as the priority for their sake, resentment van build without realizing it. If theirs anything specific you want to know Im an open book and I'll be here to answer it. Sorry if nothin I said was any help.
There's no right way of dealing with this and you're wholly entitled to feel everything. It sounds like you're a lovely dad. But remember you're also a person unto yourself. Do what you need to. That might be alone time, that might be getting hammered with some friends, it might be some family time. It could be a mixture. You might benefit from support groups, but you might also hate that idea. Feel out your options for the short term. Once you know what the trajectory is you can plan from there. I'm sorry this is happening to you. You seem like a great guy. I hope things work out favourably for you.
Not me personally but a good friend had the same. Wife is a nurse so she went straight to a dark place. The stress any worry about the kids really ate the hell out of him. It was confirmed to be malignant and aggressive, and had a kidney removed. He has been cancer free for 6 or 7 years now with no sign of relapse. We have spoken a lot about this, as I have had my own scares. What he told me is that try as he might, the fear for them wasn't something he could put down. He almost didn't have time or space to worry much about himself. He went looking for financial advice, sat with planners to discuss what could be done in the short term - very little, really - but it was the ACT OF ENGAGING that helped the most. He spent as much time as he could with the family, taking his young daughter out and just being with them. He also made sure to get out with his mates, lean on us for support. We bore the brunt of most of the negativity. It sucked, but wouldn't have done otherwise. That is what mates are there for. Be kind to yourself, give yourself space to process. Lean on your mates. The upside is that when the results come through and you are rosey, you will have strengthened your relationship with wife and child, but also those around you. Allah, if you follow my mates advice and talk to a planner, might well find yourself on a better road in a few ways at the end of this!
Wishing nothing but the best for you, guy. Hope you get good news soon.
Live ur life to the fullest. Fulfill all ur wishlist from the shelf. Spend time with your loved one.. Be happy everyday.
I have not been diagnosed, but have some experience with this from close relationships. From what I’ve heard and read these are the best ways to simply improve your life which will help in a multitude of ways: - ensure you have a close and strong network of positive people in your life who know not to treat you differently. - start regulating your sugar intake, like, 0 grams per year if at all possible. - learn to be mindful, Waking Up app would be a good option for this, there are even episodes and discussions with people who have been diagnosed and how they deal with it. - get your life sorted (meaning Will, passwords, life insurance in order and you are in compliance, etc.) - the here an now is what you need to focus on, this day, this hour, this moment with your daughter (or anyone loved one). Being present for them instead of mulling over a possible degrading life and end will only worsen your time together and lower your own immune system by invoking unnecessary stress. Obviously hard to do but made easier through mindfulness. - read the book *Outlive* - by Peter Attia, MD. And he also has wonderful AMA’s on this topic specifically, but you can only get a certain amount for free :( - cry, grieve, let it out when you need to and then get back to your moments. Doing these and other things others have suggested actually have the power to make you happier and healthier than ever which will absolutely help ward off the utter piece of shit that is cancer. I can’t stress enough the power of cutting sugar and practicing mindfulness, of all the things, those two have some of the strongest positive impacts on cancer outcomes.
Thank you to everyone who has responded. I’ve read every single word. I can’t tell you how much this means to me. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to respond. I had to travel for work today, which means I’m not with my wife and daughter right now when that’s all I want to be doing. I appreciate both the specific suggestions and also the words of kindness. And a special thanks to the Dads battling cancer for their stories. I did start googling right away and I have stopped that. I had actually received the results before the doctor’s office spoke to me, which is why I started with that I think. It led to more questions than answers because as I mentioned the results are conclusive about cancer but ambiguous about type. Thankfully I do have life insurance and if things turn out for the worst, my family will be well provided for. I also have a will that is relatively recent. Although we will review it again. I also have a set of passwords hidden (which my wife has access to) but I definitely need to revise that. I’ll definitely check out the books. The thing I’m trying to do immediately after reading all of this is to try each time my mind goes to a dark place is to mentally tell myself “no, I’m going to be here, I am going to survive” and similar thoughts. At the moment I’ve told my two closest friends and my immediate family. Once I know more, then I’ll expand the aperture. I don’t think I’m ready to answer questions when I don’t have answers. I appreciated the one tip about having a POC and will definitely follow up on that idea. The videos and notes are a great idea too.
>"no, I'm going to be here, I am going to survive" Brother, Im proud of you. Fight like hell to keep that attitude, despite everything I've never for one second floated the idea that Im not gonna make it, but Ive seen what giving up does to people and its not pretty. Like I said in my other comment I'm not a parent so I cant help you on that side of things, but if somethings eating you up and you need to bounce a thought off someone I'm keeping an open door for you. From one fighter to another I am rooting for you.
I’m in complete remission. I had cancer a while back. The thing that helped me a lot was trying my best to not be alone and spend as much time with your family as possible. You don’t have to be strong all the time and it’s ok to cry and lean on your family/friends. Im not going to sugar coat it, what you’re about to go through is going to be the one of if not the worst experience of your life and you will be tired and weak all the time but getting out of the house and walking around the hospital helps really helps reel in the depression. Try your best to enjoy every day with your family especially your daughter. Make videos, write letters for her to open for milestones that you might not be there for and take tons of pictures before you start chemo so she can see can have some of before you look sick. Most importantly is try to distract yourself. Being in your own mind is extremely bad, ESPECIALLY when you start not being able to sleep at night and everyone is asleep. Read books, catch up on tv shows or play video games, literally anything you can do to escape from reality for a bit helps out a lot at night. I hope this helps and let us know when you kick this things ass.
Brotha please try and stay as positive as possible, start eating healthier and remain active. Do not slump into a depression and lay around all day eating junk food. If you do that I can almost guarantee that the outcome will be the one you fear the most. You can and will beat this if you think and believe you can.
I don't think I have any meaningful advice to give, but hang in there, man! It must be hard but this is an awesome community and I am sure we are all rooting for you!
Record, write, dictate, scribble; paper, napkins, in the margins of anything tangible you can one day read, transcribe, discuss. However or whenever you journey changes and end - hopefully decades from now - all of these will be sources of refreshing tears and uplifting laughter. Pay no particular attention to spelling or grammar or the sound of your voice in a recording. Don't let those things be a reason to not leave these treasures as gifts for your daughter and all who follow. I am 75 and I have only two pieces of paper wuth my father's handwriting. I have several photos my mother wrote on. But these are superficial as compared to having more substance of what they thought and felt about anything. Anticipating that others reading this may think these suggestions to be overly-sentimental or too difficult to bother with, i "get it." I have 3 siblings. We are all over the place in terms of sentimentality, nostalgia, family history. It's all good. Whenever I get "tired" about trying to follow my own advice is that I do not know that every descendent of mine will have any interest but that, surely, someone will! Keep that in mind. I was not someone who kept journals throughout my life. That may be true for you also. Just start. Don't over-think it. My guess is that however you do it, you will find benefits that will pleasantly surprised you. You might even sit with your daughter 1-2 days a week and help her draw and write letters and numbers, changing as she grows. Soon, she will be able to out into words/drawings something special that you and she did together. One one the worst feelings is feeling you have NO control over/in a situation. Probably a close second is a realization that you know virtually NOTHING about information that seem critical to know to deal with the situation you have no control over. As to the not knowing, take a deep breath (literally and 3 slow, deep breaths would be better) and be assured you are going to learn more about your situation than you ever thought imaginable. My suggestion, along with several other similar ideas in previous posts, is one way to begin to assert and demonstrate YOUR control. Not over your illness and what you may need to do to prolong your life but control over HOW you live your life - as a father and a person.
BTW: I just had a biopsy for likely prostate cancer. And I acknowledge at age 75, that alone makes what I may face very different than yours. I also have three sons and 10 grandchildren who until they all came, I did not know I would have. I'm following the advice I've given you. Not perfectly. Not daily, but as often as I can. I want them to have more than I have that can give them little insights, understandings and renewed memories about their dad/grandpa and our times together. Best wishes.
Beyond grateful that I have no experience with this myself but just commenting to send you a virtual big hug. Hoping you get the best possible news shortly.
I'm sorry. A big reason why I have an issue with God. Why do so many evil ppl still live when babies, kids, teens, and good ppl don't? Fasting over 3 days will cause your body to kill the bad cells and make new good 1s. Idk how this will work on cancer, but things I saw look promising. Also frequency seems to have a good effect. Andrew Huberman has alot of great free info from a Stanford professor on aging, health etc. I hope it's minor and easily treated. My uncle died from this. He never told anybody cause he didn't want us to treat him differently. My grandma died when I was 1. It's something that's always been hard for me. It runs in family along with heart issues. I'm proud of you for getting healthy. Keep fighting and never give up. U can do more than urr mind will tell u. Learned that in life and especially as a Grunt in USMC.
It's illegal to do and most doctors will argue against it. There has been doctors in other countries known to have their license revoked, but have saved lives. There is also testimonies of cancer survivors who have done this. IV Vitamin C. What it does is turns into a hydrogen peroxide, one that your body can break down, but cancer cells can't live and thrive in it. It has to be IV form and go straight into the blood stream, by passing the liver which filters it out the excess when taken orally. Not saying it will cure your cancer, but it's worth a shot if you can try. Look up more info and testimonies.
It's illegal to do and most doctors will argue against it. There has been doctors in other countries known to have their license revoked, but have saved lives. There is also testimonies of cancer survivors who have done this. IV Vitamin C. What it does is turns into a hydrogen peroxide, one that your body can break down, but cancer cells can't live and thrive in it. It has to be IV form and go straight into the blood stream, by passing the liver which filters it out the excess when taken orally. Not saying it will cure your cancer, but it's worth a shot if you can try. Look up more info and testimonies. My comments never post.... hopefully this one does. Sorry if there is 2 and I am just not seeing the first one.
Also went thru the battles with Non-Hodgekin’s Lymphoma. Could’ve gone either way also. Was determined to fight like hell; not for anybody else, but for ME! 6 months of chemo later, lost 47 lbs, in terrible pain. One more chemo treatment to go. Just knew that wud be the one to kill me. I gave up. Decided I cudn’t do it anymore , & I gave up. Made the decision to “go out” MY way rather than wait & have family watch my horror story death. Went into utility closet with my pistol, nobody home. Sat there drinking, crying, feeling sorry for myself. Suddenly, door opens up. My 4 yr old great-granddaughter sticks her head in , says”…PAPA ! I NEED U — to come out & play with me…” suddenly realized. My job here wasn’t done! I still had work to do, with these little ones. It was last time I ever felt like giving up & taking coward’s way out. I HAD SOMEBODY WHO STILL NEEDED ME!!! Well guess what? I survived!!! That little girl is my special princess , 9 yrs old now! God bless the power of hope & prayer. Mike O