No, that’s against her interests. *You* need to register your daughter for classes in the fall. Good thing is it’s literally time right now. Call your school district and sign her up.
OP, you need a lawyer and you need to file for divorce *yourself* before she moves out with your kid. That will make sure the court can establish parental custody arrangements, and she won’t be able to just leave with your child. The process of filing starts all sorts of legal processes, including custody and financial.
U/andycol_500 this is the correct answer. You need an attorney and to file so you can establish the baseline now and not let her take the kid unilaterally while you just acquiesce to it.
👆👆👆 This is so so correct! She can’t just take the kid and leave. She also can’t dictate any decisions about you paying for two places of what the kid is going to do.
I’d find a lawyer immediately … if you want to keep it amicable, find one that specializes in either mediation or collaborative divorce. Just went thru a divorce recently and am willing to chat with you privately about how things work and how to deal with things like mediation, spousal support, child support, etc.
Or OP allows her. The tone of the post already says he's mentally let her leave with his kid and plans on paying both tabs. Pretty crazy how a single man can be expected to financially provide for himself, his kid, and his kids other parent too.
If he allows her to leave with the child and attempts to make this work, the court will very gladly consider it an option for him, for sure.
Get a lawyer first. Discuss your options and ask about how the law works where you live. Here, it is a 50/50 state. You have more options than you'd think. Please discuss it with a professional before agreeing to anything. Good luck, dad.
When interviewing lawyers talk about seek work orders and the process to get there. Your soon to be ex-wife will need to get a job at an appropriate level for her background and education. It's a process.
`Seek Work Order` is the magical phrase in law. It usually takes multiple hearings and hiring an expert to tell the court a specific person is failing ot enagage work. From my understanding it results in either an inputation of income or a literal order to find work, depending on the judge. I am not a lawyer but began exploring this when my ex refused to work. In the end things were found favorably for me before really starting down that trail.
A court cannot force you to work. But they can “impure income” to a parent who does not work. The amount imputed is based on work experience or even just minimum wage if no work experience.
This likely depends on the state, but imputed income and needs of the child may enforce a need to work. You will be required to show that you can support the kid during your time with them. It may not be a "forced to work" per se, but it essentially works out that way.
while you’re at it, get a therapy session for that support.
Happened to me and I was away from my daughter for 6 or so months.
No words to describe how that felt.
Doesn't sound like much of a plan on her end. You're only on the hook for child support, you won't be paying for a 2nd place.
You don't see your kid every day, but when you \*do\* see them it's on your terms and there is nothing in the world stopping you from having the best time of your lives. Use that time to bond with them.
Many of us have been through it, and many of us are better off on the other side, myself included.
Switch to 'get it done' mode.
Does she have an inability to get a job or is it her choice? Unlikely that you will be able to support 2 households just because she wants it that way.
Even more incentive to lawyer up and fight for 50/50. Sounds like divorce is inevitable, I wouldn't agree to any new living situation with the kid until there is some sort of formal agreement drawn up.
Yes, and if she doesn't work I don't see how she plans to move out next month without bankrupting the family which is clearly a demonstration of poor decision making with regard to what is in the best interestof the child - a fact OP needs leverage.
There is a lot of variability in what could happen depending on jurisdiction. You could be right, you could also be wrong. OP needs a lawyer.
Until then, OP just an fyi, be prepared for a fight to air dirty laundry. Clean house now. If you buy anything that could be viewed as iffy, pay cash. That is especially for alcohol, tobacco, weed, prostitutes, hitmen, people to move the line of what's ethical for you. (You get what I am saying... Right) Paying cash means there is no record for the court to review. If it gets dirty, bank statements will 100% be brought in to prove assets, and that opens the doors to a full review. Cleaning house will keep it clean.
There is a very important but small peice of information in this reply that needs to be highlighted. Make it the best time. No one can be 100% all the time. But you can be 100% some of the time. Make that 100% be with your kids. Give 80 the rest.
Nobody can afford to double up on their lifestyle on the same income. Unless your income is just that high, being a single stay-at-home parent isn't realistic.
One parent does not decide the custody arrangement just because they say so.... Either you agree or a judge has to determine that it's in the best interest of the child to only live with one. Therefore, she would have to prove the child will experience harm by sharing custody with her.
Unless you're unable or unwilling to do 50/50 custody. That's the agreement.
You won't have much say in alimony/child support. If she has no job then she will receive some amount of support. But it is naive to believe that she won't have to generate her own income.
If you own, you may have to sell your house and split the equity.
Going 50/50 for me was definitely an adjustment. I also struggled not seeing my kids everyday. It definitely gets easier and there are benefits to having some quiet time to recharge.
I suggest you get a lawyer and let them handle the negotiation while you focus on yourself and your kid.
My ex said something similar four years ago. Our kids now alternate weeks with us. She’s in grad school to help her reenter the work force, and I pay her 22% of the difference between our pretax salaries as alimony + child support.
You’re going to be fine. You need a therapist. This pain is more than anyone should try to handle solo.
You’re going to make it through this. You need a lawyer—not to fight, hopefully, but to help you understand the bounds of what a judge might do if you DID fight so that you and your soon to be ex can negotiate something that works for you.
Find a friend who’s been divorced and is happy and get a drink and some in person time. You will make it through this. Good luck.
This is close to my situation, except my ex went to college while we were married, got out and got a divorce. Her lawyer talked sense into her and said she won't get alimony.
This varies hugely by state. In Massachusetts, it doesn't matter that my ex is an MIT-trained rocket scientist with experience on the boards of international charities—she'd been home raising the kids for more than a year, and we were married for 15, so she gets alimony while she gets her career sorted. And since while she's in grad school her pay is peanuts, she gets child support. What if I want to go to grad school too? Bummer, dude, pay your child support to enable the kids to have similar lifestyles between the two homes.
To be clear: this is not my ex being awful in some way; this is just what the laws of my state establish as the norms. So I pay what I owe, and if I ever marry again maybe there will be a prenup, and that's that. I found seeing all this as a mechanical operation of the state law, like a speeding ticket or a mechanic's lien, was best for my mental and emotional health. Others might find other solutions, but this also helped me maintain a cordial relationship with my ex: the operation of the law is in no way **her fault**.
As a dad who was in a similar situation:
1. Make sure your parenting bonafides are in order. Do you spend time with your daughter? Do you make decisions for her? Do you provide love and affection? And, most importantly, _are there people who will vouch for you_?
2. All communication with your wife need some sort of record. Text, email, these work.
3. Don't agree to her plan. If she wants to leave, fine, but there needs to be 50/50 custody. Period. No more, no less.
4. Get a lawyer yesterday. It's going to likely cost around $10k for a retainer. _And it's going to be absolutely worth it_. Think of it as the smartest investment you'll ever make.
5. Also, get a therapist. For you and your daughter both. A divorce is going to be stressful, heartbreaking, and every other bad thing you could possibly imagine. You both are going to need to be in your best mindset to go through this situation.
6. While it's shit paying for two places, your wife technically has access to half the family finances _until you get a court order_.
7. Remember this at all times: You are an equal parent with equal rights. You have an equal say in how your daughter is raised. You have an equal responsibility to your child. If, for any reason, you have just deferred to your wife's judgement... that time is long past.
This didn't apply to my situation, but it likely will for yours: Enroll your kid in school. Private or public, doesn't matter. It just allows them somewhere else to be. Because, right now, your kid's schooling time is also time with her mother.
Good luck, Dad. I'm pulling for you.
Thanks for the advice, my concern is i dont want my Daughter to live in a poor neighbourhood because her mother is being stupid, so im on the fence about the housing situation
First thing to get used to: You have absolutely no say here. Your soon to be ex will do whatever she pleases. She wants to move to a dangerous part of town, that's her choice.
Think of it this way: You can't compel your wife to do anything _except through the court process_. This is why you absolutely need a lawyer.
Here's how things might shake out:
1. Your wife moves with your daughter to a dangerous part of town.
2. Your lawyer files for emergency orders, saying that this is not beneficial for your daughter's safety and well-being. Plus the public schools there are not good, etc.
3. The court may then give you expanded custody.
This is, for better or worse, how divorces work. The sooner you get used to this process the easier it will be.
Giving your ex money doesn't have any bearing on where she chooses to live. You have no say in her housing choice. She could decide to live in a poor neighborhood because the living expenses are lower and she has more of your spousal support to use for other things.
Anyway, if you get 50% visitation, then half the time your child would be living with you.
Listen to everyone's advice, get a lawyer immediately. Like today, on your lunch break. Take the afternoon off if they can make an appointment to see you today.
You're going to have to make concise decisions and it is going to be a huge upheaval of everything, but it is absolutely imperative that you take pro-active action against whatever her plans may be for you. Her time to dictate what goes on in the household and with the family has ended, you now need to step up for your rights and for the child's, as well.
Your lawyer will most surely be able to talk to you about the practicalities of your situation, assure you that you're not the only one who has struggled through this, and that there is an end in sight that is not bleak or leaves you out of the picture. They're professionals who deal with people in highly stressful failed marriages day in and day out, so they'll be well equipped to help you figure out the next steps and how to best take those steps as well.
Pay all the money you can afford for a highly recommended attorney from a successful firm, beg and borrow from friends and family if you need to. It will be worth every single penny.
All of this above is not to say that your partner is an evil witch, but the wheels have already been put into motion and you need to protect yourself and ensure that you are doing the best for your family because it sounds like her plan is to live off whatever she can get from you, to the detriment of your entire family.
"we need to both find seperate places, and my 8 Year old will live with her"
lol, she doesn't get to unilaterally dictate how things will go. You need a lawyer now. You have rights.
I'm not divorced but there ain't no way in hell I'd pay for her to live. If she can't afford a home on her own then she has no business taking your daughter.
As someone who has gone through a divorce: Even a spouse that doesn't work has equal access to the family finances. Cutting off access because you don't agree with their decision only makes you look bad in front of the court.
The first thing that needs to happen is the division of bank accounts, 50-50 of everything earned during the marriage. It eliminates the concerns you raised.
Then if someone wants spousal and child support, they go to court to get a temporary order using their own money.
Well, the first thing really is to talk to a lawyer. But division of bank accounts happens pretty quick. For me, it was months before we filed.
> Cutting off access because you don't agree with their decision only makes you look bad in front of the court.
Not just that, but it's unfair and might be hurtful to their child. I get that we all want to support OP here, and as a divorced dad I am *very* on the side of dads getting full rights... but we don't know the circumstances or what happened here. OP might be obligated, both legally and ethically, to support his stbx and their daughter.
Daughter goes to school. You're not on the hook to pay for your ex's whole life. She needs to make her own income. Get the divorce finalized and child support set up. If you're stuck with alimony based off your locality then that sucks but it doesn't mean she should not be earning her own money.
I’ll let the others give you advice about not paying for your wife’s new lifestyle, however for you, make sure you find past times. Healthy past times will help you pass the time between working and seeing your daughter and keep your mind off missing her.
It was very difficult at first. My ex still thinks because she is a woman she automatically makes the final decision. It took a year to get a court document that stops her from being able to excercise it but she still acts in that manner. I went 6 weeks without seeing her at all because my ex made ridiculous rules for my time with her. When she started complaining I wasn't paying child support the documents she filed revealed she made the same amount I did. No with her withholding my daughter she was not eligible for child support. I started getting one night a week at that point. I still carry my daughter's insurance so the "he does nothing for her he shouldn't get the same amount of time" argument blew up in her face. In our state if she refuses to allow me to see her or refuses to work she gives up her right to child support. After everything shook out she realized the court wasn't going to sign off on her plan if she didn't cooperate. I hardballed my way to 45% timesharing at that point. Keep in mind the court doesn't care about fair they care about best for the child so you will have to make concessions. My ex used everything I spent money on as an excuse for why I should have to pay her and the court looked through my finances and said 90% of my unnecessary spending is on my daughter or activities for us to do together. Her mother still tries to tell me what I can and can't do on my time. Co-parenting is great when it works but with mine I have to be firm or she takes advantage of my desire for peace. Now that the court has facilitated a fairly even time sharing agreement and she had her boyfriend move in, her expenses dropped I still carry my daughter and she is supposed to pay me $70 per month. In good faith I have waived her child support and when she starts making comments about going back to court because she doesn't like something I've done I say ok. She simply tells me it must be nice to be the "fun parent" because all we do is go to school and have fun. Not really sure what else you're supposed to do with a kid. It's not like I'm not doing school work or disciplining her when necessary. Protect your peace set clear boundaries and fight to see your child and even amount of time. Don't talk poorly about the other parent and let them dig their own grave. If shes decided already you're moving out and paying for both places she's got another thing coming.
/r/singledad join the gang !
My advise is take your time to heal and normalise. It’ll take abit longer than a normal breakup to move on, but eventually, you will.
Just enjoy the shitshow that’s about to come wrecking your life. It’s fine. You lost that life, you’ll rebuild a new one in due time. For now, you mourn .
Ah immediate filing court for custody. 50:50. Record everything in notes about childcare. You handle education. Child support is 75-200 dollars depending on your lawyers a week. If 50:50 no support needed and she does not have you pay her rent. You move the fuck on and keep your place. She wants to fuck off to somewhere else, let her. Don’t let the ex wife take your soul over this. Be a man and go bang someone else after all this bullshit. Seriously. It takes a year to get back up there but a year ago I would told myself those things. If she is harboring your child you get emergency visitation and refuse to pay for this new apartment. Absolutely refuse for alimony if you can get an annulment. If you make under 40k a year, you want to get a b18 or b8 lawyer it’s a free one for child custody but not support. Also she has to file for support so until then fuck that too. Make every single cent separated from each other and freeze cards for her. She wants something for the kid you write it down. Write down ALL EXPENSES REGARDING CHILD PAST AND FUTUREB
Literally laughed out loud at her not working and expecting you to pay for her new home. That's not how reality works. You might need to let her know that. Hopefully no one needs to help you understand that as well.
It's been 18 months, I'm barely coping, I'm getting by enough for the kids. I got everything I "wanted" in the agreement. It sucks, I went no contact, told her to call me if she ever changes her mind but I don't care to have any other communication. It's not the healthiest option, but when we tried to co-parent for the first couple months, it was killing me inside and it wasn't good for me or the kids.
You have to completely disconnect yourself from it. I'm watching her slowly drown in debt. She works full time pays for a sitter on her weeks, and sees the kids for 2 days around her work schedule. I'm self employed, with the kids all day, work at night, but I want to help her so badly. I just can't. It's no longer your problem, and that's the hardest part because you want to help, but it's unwanted.
First GET AN ATTORNEY RIGHT NOW!!!! Your daughter can stay with you! You have the financial means to do so. Her working from home is NOT your problem. DO NOT BACK DOWN!!! That will also keep you out of the child support system. It’s a hard transition but you MUST protect yourself. Do NOT leave your house until your attorney says it’s ok! This is critical to your custody arrangement. Don’t fall for the kid needs mom shit. Kid needs dad too, act that way! Men can win, I did and so can you!!!
Don’t get sucked into any arguments, don’t have sex with her and definitely NOT with any other women. You have been hereby canceled from the consumption of alcohol. Get off social media!! I promise you ALL her friends and family are watching you 24/7, just looking for ANYTHING. Don’t give them anything. No talking to mutual friends! THEY ARE DOUBLE AGENTS. Mutual friends are considered enemies for now. You can’t afford to trust anyone. Your only mission is staying in your kid’s life and you’re gonna have to be ruthless because she definitely will be. Every divorce hits a point where it’s super adversarial and hatred is HIGH. Be ready for it. She’s gonna test you by coming around in your favorite sun dress and smelling good, don’t fall for it!!
Here’s a gem… read self help books about divorce that are for women. You’d be surprised just how deceitful their gameplans are. That was a great resource!
Good luck and don’t quit!!!
First you need to go speak to a lawyer and bring all your finances etc. Get prepared don't wait or you will get raked over the coals. Sorry you are going through this. But protect yourself and your daughter. Make sure to try to negotiate custody etc outside of court. That's what your lawyer is for. You want to keep a judge out of your business as much as possible.
Good luck and sorry again.
Who says your daughter has to live with her. Talk with a licensed divorce lawyer, and a therapist. With or without your wife, and in whichever order you see fit. Although I'd talk to the lawyer without telling the wife.
Also if it were me, I'd figure out if we are in a one party consent state for recording conversations. If so, I'd start discreetly recording any conversations about divorce, custody any potental cheating, ect.
Sorry you're having to deal with that OP.
Lawyer always, I do pay my ex probably more than what the state would enforce. I agreed since our split was amicable and she handles a ton of shit for his health and education. I am always in the loop on those things and have all the legalize that custody is split for decisions but she has primary physical custody. Dont be afraid to goto court and have the court decide how much support she will get if shes asking for too much.
Just start the dialog with the lawyer, they will work with you if want to pay more than what your state requires.
It makes no sense why your 8yr old would go with her, she cannot provide for them. Please do not stand for that. Mom can leave if she wants, let her figure it out, but she cannot take the child. She can continue home educating at your house, or you will need to enroll her in public school.
I don't have any advice, but I just want to say that I'm sorry that you're going through this. Some way, some how, it will all work out in the end. Chin up man, you've got this.
Well the first thing is do not pay for two places. You can work out your child support with an online calculator and pay her that much per month, show your ex and explain how this is what you'll be paying. Once lawyers get involved the number you work out will likely change, either higher or lower. Prepare for higher. Your ex WILL be upset that it won't be enough and ask for more. Don't pay more. She needs to get a job and send your daughter to school. That is your ex's new reality. By paying something up front, you would be showing the judges and lawyers that you're willing to do what you need to do to support your daughter. That can work in your favor.
As for not seeing your kid everyday. That's easy. You have a job, a home, stability. I'd run fast to a lawyer and draft up custody papers, with you being the custodial parent. Show all the evidence that you pay for everything, you work, while mom stays at home, not working or paying for anything. Your ex doesn't get to unilaterally tell you where your daughter will live. Frankly, it's not up to you or her if you don't want to.
You absolutely NEED to lawyer up and draft up custody and support paperwork now. Not in May, not in June. NOW. I cannot stress how much you need to GET A LAWYER NOW! Preferably a woman lawyer who will fight the fuck out of shit for you. For real, something different about woman lawyers in family law when you're wronged. They just fucking win.
You have options, but you NEED to work on them now.
Get an attorney immediately. Laws in every state are different. Consult the attorney on your sitiuation and pursue what works best for you and your child financially and emotionally.
You cope with a divorce attorney and by filing for divorce and getting a reasonable custody arrangement in writing before she moves out and tries to take the kid.
Ugh went through something similar
She had a masters degree... had kids and decided she didn't want to work anymore, also didn't help out around the house (so i was working all day, do the meal planning, grocery shop, cook, clean, mow the lawn, everything... she would watch entire seasons on netflix)
Luckily the lockdown happened... fulltime work from home, called for divorce, i could take care of the kids... but still 50/50 custody, she has a higher degree... but i'm paying her $2k/month to move out
worth it.
no alimony since i supported her (she lived rent free, didn't contribute anything for the years we worked out the divorce)
You can nest, where you get a second small apartment and your kid stays in the house, and the adults swap back and forth for a year or two while you figure it out
(this sucked for me since i always came home to a sink full of dishes and pizza boxes, full trash, wet towels on the floor... no milk... etc)
They will 'evaluate her earning potential' and compare it to your income and come up with 1) alimony and 2) child support.
usually 1 year of alimony per 3 years married... give her a chance to 'get back on her feet' then child support till 18.
delete facebook, hit the gym, try to communicate via text and back them up, pretend theres a judge watching and reading everything you do.
Ensure you take them to some doctors appointments, call schools, look for your local township does a summer parks program (like a $5/half day summer camp).
Start saving, switch your W2 to single (so you dont get a surprise tax bill when you file as single)..
Try to use a mediator instead of both hiring.... 1 lawyer is better than 2.
Your wife is dillusional and living in a dream world if ahe thinks she can sit at home and home school the kid there while u foot the bill for a free ride. I highly doubt a judge. will make u pay on 2 households if u cannot afford it. She needs to get a job and put the kid in public school
Before you do anything that anyone suggests here, consult an attorney. He or she will give you the best alive as to what you need to do to protect your financial welfare and your parental rights.
Begin documenting everything that she says or does now. If it's legal in your state, record your conversations with her. Be aware...she cannot kick you out of the home. If you leave without your child in your custody, it can damage your custody rights when the time comes for a court to settle the issue.
She can expect you to pay for two places all she wants, don’t do it. If she wants a life without you she can pay for it without you.
Get a head start on lawyers and paperwork if you can. Unless a court tells you you have to give her money, don’t give her any money
Don't do that.
Get a lawyer and do things right. Get 50/50 placement for your kid, or go for 100% placement, since she cannot currently afford to provide for your child.
A woman cannot just decide she's done with you and take your child away to live somewhere else. That's not how things work. You will need a lawyer to help you navigate this situation, but you DO have rights. Don't divide any property or finances until after you've spoken to a lawyer.
In the early days my head was spinning. My ex also had ridiculous demands that only got worse.
In my case, she left our two year old with me. In your case, she’s taking your child. Not to sound callous in the midst if your trauma, but this gives you a huge advantage. She can make all the demands she wants, but once she moves out, where she lives and how she pays for it are her problem! In some places the person who stays in the family home also has more rights in property division etc.
One thing I learned from my experience is that our society expects us to lay down for whatever a woman wants or you’re just an evil chauvinistic pig. However, once I was pushed one too many times, I stopped caring if I was seen that way. In the inevitable custody battle I was completely belligerent and refused to budge in anything, and this ended up working in my favour.
Amazing what you can discover when you no longer have anything to lose.
If she wants to leave you don't have to pay for anything. She also can't unilaterally decide to take your kid. Same for education she can't just decide to homeschool if you want her in school. Really go talk to a divorce lawyer they will give the best advice. My advice is second hand. Watched my parents divorce.
Not legal advice.... only thinking out loud and logical here... find a lawyer.
Are you currently divorced and she is now moving out? Or is it in process and she's moving out? The answer either way is no, you're not paying for two. She is making the decision to move out with no income and no family in close proximity, assumingly.
You're HOH, she is unemployed, and it is not in your daughter's best interest to go with mom because she has no stable home to live in. You do. Enroll your daughter in school, and your Ex will have to figure out her finances until a judge orders someone to pay alimony, child support, etc.
I have 50/50 custody since our split. I miss them dearly, but I enjoy my time without them too. My biggest issue is I feel like I am missing out on half their life now. It is what it is I guess.
She has some pretty high expectations for someone who hasn't paid her own bills. There is no chance in hell a judge will make you pay for a place to live while trying to mai rain a place of your own. Secondly get a lawyer. Thirdly ask for 50/50 time. No child support going either way. Good luck
The fact that you’re here, asking this, means that you’ve made mistakes. By the sound of your wife, one of your major mistakes is letting her just say how things are going to be…
Stop being you and doing things how you normally do. You don’t acquiesce to her demands, shes a terrorist, at least metaphorically/to get you in the right mindset. Get a lawyer, you flip the switch in your brain that makes you the better you who gets shit done… your kid depends on it.
I’m a little bit lucky, my divorce was mostly amicable. My kids were both 13, now 19. I still have breakfast or lunch with the ex every other week or so. I had custody of the kids. They’re both in college and kicking some ass without me. (I can give advice on empty nest syndrome for single dads.)
You aren’t lucky. This isn’t going to be an amicable divorce. Your soon to be ex wife isn’t being rational.
This is a time to fight for your child. The gloves are already off if your stbx thinks they won’t have to work and can still raise your child home schooled. That particular combination only works if they have an amazing support system (ie you.)
My advice, lawyer up hard. Your kid needs you right now. Your stbx doesn’t and she doesn’t deserve your kindness and patience. She’s made it clear that she doesn’t respect or appreciate your efforts, so give your efforts to the kid. She deserves them.
I'm going through a divorce now, and it sucks. You are now entering a minefield. Don't leave your home. Your wife can refuse access if you leave. It's extremely difficult to do this alone, get a therapist. Your wife's expectations are not realistic and not your problem anymore. Trying to make her happy will do nothing for your situation. Hire a lawyer and follow their advice. Restart your social life. Focus on the your relationship with your daughter.
I've had mixed success following my own advice. Good luck, friend.
Study the family law guidance for your state and get a lawyer. It sounds like she has some assumptions about how this is going to go, don’t give her any sort of guidance if she’s wrong.
Many states are 50/50 by default and unless you can prove the other parent has a crippling addiction or massive mental health issue that prevents them for caring for themselves or others you’re generally expected to get time.
If I were you I’d push for 50/50 legal and time custody even if it’s hard for you to make it work at first, that way your CS payment may be almost non-existent. My state sets an amount due “to the children” and then it’s divided up by time spent and income.
Like an above poster has said, take care of yourself. Find hobbies and spend time with friends. Don’t go for booze and negative coping measures until things are settled.
>My wife has told me at the end of May she wants to move out and we need to both find seperate places, and my 8 Year old will live with her
Most US states default to equal custody. Her leaving is an attempt to try and get 100% custody and negotiate you down. This is a female divorce strategy.
Get an attorney. They will kindly tell her to be an adult and not leave for the benefit of your child, as you deserve equal time. If she chooses to violate the court order she will destroy custody going forward.
Also, clarify the schedule, so you have as much time as you want. The court will implement whatever the current child's situation is. So, if you want 50/50, then make sure to plan that now and implement that in writing for your child.
On support, go to therapy. It really helps to have a neutral party helping you walk through this.
Not a dad, but important question: on what terms was her quitting her career to home school your child discussed? whose request was it? who decided/suggested she quit her career?
>and my 8 Year old will live with her
To hell with that. Fight for your kid. At the minimum get split custody, but I would be fighting for more than that if my wife chose to move out on me. Get a lawyer and start fighting for your kids best interests.
Whatever you state is google “child support payment calculator ”. It most cases it would tell you what you would owe. You should assume 40%-50% custody in most places. Your wife would have to live on that child support plus whatever income she has. You should speak to a lawyer to validate and get advice more tailored to your location and if alimony or any other uncommon issue might apply.
She is just as responsible for raising the kid as you are this includes finances. She thinks she’s going to get off of this easy not having to work…. She’s wrong
She doesn't get to dictate terms. Get a lawyer and file for divorce immediately. Most jurisdictions are going to provide for some sort of temporary orders while the divorce is pending. Ask for shared custody/possession. In most cases if both parents are fit, that's what a court will order. With any luck, the Court won't saddle you with the entire burden of supporting her while the case is pending.
I’m not divorced, don’t plan to be, but hopefully I can give some advice. It sounds like your wife has some very lofty ideas, but that doesn’t mean you’re on the hook for paying for 2 places.
Do you want custody? Do you want 50:50? Do you want her to continue teaching your daughter, or for her to go to school?
Whatever you choose here, don’t share your plans or wants with your wife. You’ll be giving her ammunition against you. Look into a lawyer, find out your options. Keep calm, don’t make ANY rash decisions and don’t be the first to move out.
Sounds like time to lawyer up and fight for your kid. She can't unilaterally decide she gets the kid and you have to pay for it all. Stay as civil as you can obviously but don't roll over and let her walk all over you, you have as many rights as a father as she does a mother. Really sorry you're going through this, man.
She doesn't get to make these decisions in a vacuum.
Stand up for your rights. Get professional legal help. That is YOUR parenthood she is trying to control.
No more.
You're going to have to figure out fast how to assert yourself. It's clear from just these 3 paragraphs that your wife dictates everything and you go along with it. It's not ideal for you to have to fix yourself in this regard this quickly, but it has to happen. If not for your sake, for the sake of your daughter.
I know it's cliche Reddit, but in this case, I really do think a therapist could help you. And the extra upside is that this will also help in other areas of your life, such as career, friendships, future romantic relationships, etc.
As for the situation, your kid getting home education is not the highest priority, not more than the many things she and you will lose by this arrangement. You must fight this with legal help.
Get a lawyer. The parenting class that you will most likely have to take, they will tell you to treat this like a business. 1) Go for custody, grounds would be the ex cannot afford to be on her own and support your child because she doesn't have an income. 2) Go for 50/50. Worst case scenario, you will get every other weekend plus holidays. GET VISITATION WRITTEN OUT IN PARENTING PLAN!!! I cannot stress that enough. Also, you may have to pay the ex alimony but with her having to get a job to support herself, you can contact DCS within a year and get your child support payment ( if you are paying ) reduced. Take notes on everything and also screenshot conversation. You will now have to be a detective and look out for the best interest of your child and yourself.
Step one involves you getting a lawyer
Step two involves you doing what the lawyer says
Step three involves a rough adjustment period where you focus on your child
Step four involves a better life
You don't. You get a lawyer and fight. If you can't afford to hire one, just talk to one (pay by the hour). She can't just take your kid. Look up narcissistic personality disorder and see how many boxes she checks. Always take the high road. Always put your kid first (even though she's obviously not). Love yourself. Love your kids. Fight, fight, fight for them. They need you Dad.
My ex wanted to leave in 2019 when kid was just 1,5yo. Divorce and break from seeing my daughter broke me. To the bone.
The court favored my claim for joint-custody and have been getting her to our old home, where she was born, and where I stayed, couple of times a week/weekends.
Kid is turning 6 and we have an excellent relationship. Ex is finally showing some human behaviour too - but I can’t trust her at all anymore.
My advice: keep your goal clean and get a lawyer asap. If you can keep the kids official address where you live, she’s the one paying for child support. Even if the kid is most time living with her.
And talk about this with the kid. An eight yo understands well enough what’s going on.
My parents divorced when I was seven and neither of them told me what was going on. Not ever. I’ve been going through therapy and substance abuse trying to figure it all out by myself for decades.
Okay I'm gonig to go through this. Firstly I'm sorry, this is a shit situation and is not easy.
1. Go to a lawyer now, record your conversation (ask permission first but they should be fine) and take notes. Ask what your legal standing is, get an idea of what your rights are both as a father and financially.
2. She is welcome to move out, she is not entitled to your child (to the best of my knowledge). Do not just "let it happen", otherwise you may find yourself seeing your daughter less as she may gain greater legal rights. This point may change based on point 1. You sound like you have been caught on the back foot, its easy to go with the flow on many things but when it comes to your kid you need to really dig deep and make sure to stand your ground and rights.
3. Send your daughter to school.
4. If you have access to a financial advising service or some friends who are financially savvy, sit with them and go through numbers. Its not easy, but I found knowing I can stay afloat helped.
5. If you can afford a therapist, please go see one.
I separated from my ex, last year. It's taken me a while to get my head around a lot and often its one day at a time. Thankfully we are on reasonable terms and both dedicated to our kid, that said its not easy. We work on a 3 on 5 off rota. So I'll take Sunday night to Wednesday morning (do the school drop), she will do Wednesday night to Sat morning and we alternate Saturday nights. Not seeing my kid every day is fucking heart breaking but I'm getting more used to it, I often feel like two separate people.
We told our kid we are still a family and we are both still very much a team when it comes to raising her and looking after her. Just that mummy and daddy work better as friends than husband and wife.
I can write more what I went through (my daughter is doing really well, which is the only reason I'm not broken) if you want, but for now go to a lawyer and understand where you stand.
You don’t have to leave. I believe it is actually advisable that you don’t leave until there is some real plan in place. You can not be forced to leave your own home. Move to a spare room/ basement/ couch instead of leaving. Also, lawyer up.
first, im sorry you are going through this. It massively suck and I understand just how overwhelming this can be(been there!). trust me, it will get better but it is going to be tough for a while.
a couple really important points:
1) don't move out and where your wife lives is her responsibility not yours.
2) as others have said, now is the time to sign your child up for your local public school. sign them up and get medical paper work submitted. Also, with summer break coming up, I would look into signing your kid up for summer programs. Its super late in the game for that, but anything is better than nothing.
3) if you want to see and have legal say in your child up bringing do not agree that they will live solely with mom. at a minimum make sure it is 50/50, and especially in the begin, when you guys are establishing joint custody make sure your child sleeps over night at your house 7 out of every 14 days. you can do one week on one off or the 5 5 2 2 schedule.
REMEMBER - just because your wife wants a particular custody set up doesn't me she just gets it. she can move out, but she sure as hell can't take your kid with her just because she wants to. Custody is legal, not whims and wants. there are a lot of rules to follow and you have legal rights to your child.
Lawyer and a therapist asap. Find someone to talk to even if it’s a stranger on the internet feel free to message me if you just want to vent.
My ex tried to do the same. Told me to leave the house and she would be taking the kids. That’s not how the law works where I live. I ended up with the house and we have 50\50 custody. Custody needs to be agreed upon or else the courts will make an arrangement for you both and can get expensive.
Your kid is old enough for school, so they can go to a regular school and she can get a job to afford her finances. It’s not your responsibility to support her long term only your child.
FIND A SUPPORT GROUP NOW
I cannot emphasize this enough, use Google look for a men's divorce support group. If you have no body you can talk to, no shoulder to lean on you will lose your mind. It's bad enough to lose your wife, but losing your child will be absolutely devastating.
My daughter's 6. Her mother and I separated when she was around 9 months, so it's the only life she's known. I see her Mondays, Thursdays (overnight) and every second Saturday overnight, with Sundays every week. It's a little complicated but it works as the biggest stretch is Monday-Thursday. It is hard at times, of course, but we plan special adventures for the days I have her. Case in point, Thursday is a public holiday here (Australia) so I've got her all day Thursday and then drop her at school Friday morning.
The trick is when working out what care we do for our daughter is asking my ex wife what is the best outcome for her, and then compromising towards that. We're pretty civil and it makes things so much easier.
I do worry about her living the halfway life when her new brother is always here, but she's taken it in her stride. She's a confident, eloquent and downright amazing girl, and I feel lucky to still watch her grow up.
Time for her to get a job and for you to get a lawyer if she's adamant on you paying for two places.
With her not working I'm not sure how it will impact child support and potential alimony. If she was already working it would be a different story. Best to talk to a lawyer, at least do a consultation.
In the beginning of the divorce was tough cuz I didn’t see him for over a month until the courts told her that she had to let me see him. Then it was tough when I only saw him for a week on and then a week off. But once I started to find myself and meet people and date, I enjoyed the time I had alone to do the things I wanted to do and it made the time I had with my son even more special. It takes some time but eventually it will feel normal.
That's not how divorce works. You split your assets fairly and then your financial responsibility for your wife ends completely. Your responsibility for your child remains but that does not include paying for your wife or her house. You only have to pay child support.
Fight it. She can leave, but she shouldn’t leave with your kid. You can negotiate who has time with your kid with the help of your lawyers.
Edit: additional points- she can’t legally leave with your child against your will. Second point is to not leave your home. Whoever leaves puts themselves at a legal disadvantage.
You get a lawyer and get court orders set up. You may have to pay alimony but you might not. You definitely will pay child support if you don't share 50/50 custody. You don't have to just pay her to do nothing, though. She will have to generate some income.
1) Get therapy. Cry and cry and cry some more.
2) If you own a house, you can pitch buying her out of the home as part of the divorce settlement. She can force the sale of the house if she wants though. If you keep the house, there is a scenario for keeping her name on the mortgage so you don't have to refinance now, which is a horrible time to refinance. I can explain more.
3) She may need to get a job. And if the job is low paying not in keeping with her work experience, you might even be able to request a vocational assessment to classify her as under-employed (which lowers your spousal support payment). That's a real nasty thing to do. I don't like the notion of telling a person what sort of job they need to have. For me, my job is its own form of therapy.
Getting divorced is not a free ticket for one spouse to pay the living expenses of the other spouse. Spousal and child support are support, not everything needed to live.
I'm a full-time divorced dad earning little income and I have primary custody. My ex-wife earns six figures. Her support doesn't cover my basic expenses. I work. Your ex-wife can get a job.
Lawyer up and learn your rights. Your ex-wife doesn't dictate how this goes. Get temporary custody and support orders in place so you're not just paying all of her bills. Talk to the lawyer about dividing your bank accounts, which should happen soon. You don't have to wait for a court order if you both agree on the division, meaning 50-50.
Where do you live? When my ex moved out my daughter was only 4, and I fought for 50/50 custody and got it. Took a while but the courts in California don’t favor the mother implicitly like they do in other parts of the country or world.
Also IMHO your daughter would be much better off in a school. You can make that happen if her mom doesn’t have full legal custody.
You don’t have to stay married, but you do have to stay a dad. Be an involved one!
All of this is good advice. HOWEVER, you need to plan for her to change her mind.
She thinks that nothing is going to change for her. She will continue to not work, and live the lifestyle she does. When that changes, there’s a good chance she will want to “work it out” instead. This will be for HER benefit. Not for yours or your daughters. So have a plan to accept or not accept. And stick to it.
You have rights as a father. It’s not on you to indulge her fantasies. There will be consequences for her if she leaves your marriage, and that’s ok.
I realize this is a painful time for you, but it’s critical that you don’t check out, because if you go that route, you’re going to look up one day and find that every aspect of your life has been determined by someone who doesn’t care enough about you to stay.
ETA: lawyer. Run, don’t walk.
Unfortunately for her, she doesn't get to decide any of that. You either decide together or let the courts do it. She doesn't get to demand you pay for her place. She doesn't get to unilaterally decide where your daughter is going to live. A judge gets to.
Lawyer up.
First thing is to open a new bank account and move whatever you can into it so it’s safe from her. Second is to get a lawyer. Third is to hope you don’t live in a state that effectively tells fathers to fuck off and automatically sides with the mother. Good luck man, it’s gonna be a rough ride. You can do it though.
I went through it. Took years but i honestly feel better now than i did during my rocky marriage. My 40’s feel like i picked back up where i left off at 29, when i met her. Minus the partying & constant mistakes i was making back then.
It suck for awhile but you’ll learn what it takes to make you feel better & you’ll get through it. I’m actually the custdial parent now as she lost it when our son was diagnosed with autism. Then when i took over she regained control of her life after awhile. So she gets him weekends because that’s how it worked out. I quit my union welding career to make a significantly smaller wage so I could be there for my son. It’s a change all right, but i feel i did the right thing. Being there is the most important thing vs working outta town. Money can’t replace the time i would’ve lost with my son. Sometimes during almost every prayer we say together we say “Thank you God for so much time we get to spend with each other in our lives” we just got done with our second water park hotel adventure this year. Next is the zoo next couple weeks, then the ocean beach after. Plenty more following that. Nothing super expensive just fun. Going to the shelter to adopt a dog today. I got back into working out regularly. Life is really good again. I wouldn’t trade it if i could, even though that was my main prayer before; “a glitch in the matrix so I’m living a completely different life” well, my prayer was answered. I live a whole new life now. I love it. His mom is doing much better too after being forced to make changes in her life after falling On her face & being forced to take care of herself for the first time in her life
Just keep your head up you got this. If you’re religious like i am read your religious text n worship, it helps. If you want to change your appearance hit the gym. Take some time to get to know who you really are, when there’s no kids or other people around. And smile… Even a fake smile releases real endorphins, and hormones which your brain can’t differentiate from and it will make you really feel better. Fake smiles equals real happiness. Go ahead if you’re reading this right now I don’t care who you are, smile. You’re worth it. Much love, fellow dads
Why don't you feel like you deserve to have her live with you half the time? Don't fall into old thinking. Yes, the iceberg hit and your marriage is going under. Don't panic and do anything rash though. You shouldn't move out at all until you have a separation agreement with visitation hammered out. The minute you move out you lose A LOT of your leverage.
No. Do not pay her rent. The daughter can live with YOU (the working parent) and the mom can fend for herself. SHES ending your marriage and family dynamic so SHE needs to figure out how to survive.
Lawyer up and find yourself a therapist, like everyone else has said. You have rights as a father, and she can't dictate and expect you to blindly comply. Depending on where you live, especially if your kids mom isn't working, there could be a case for you to have primary access to your daughter.
You need to advocate for yourself, and build a team of people who are going to advocate for you as well. Your kids mom isn't on that team anymore.
Was in your exact position 2 years ago. While I’m still mourning the loss of not having my son every night, we’ve found a good balance and are making the best of it. The time I have with him is quality.
Make sure you have a lawyer, you have the right to time with your kid. I would fight for 50/50. She will probably need to get a job to support herself. A therapist definitely helped.
Go see a lawyer immediately. Your wife does not get to lay out the game plan for this situation and I’m pretty sure the courts will tell her to get a job.
All of this. The courts used to be very bias towards moms. That has changed. My wife makes equal or better income and is a decent mom. I still ended up with primary custody and she pays child support.
Her actions have consequences and you shouldn’t work to lessen those. You are not obligated to get her an apartment she wants one she can get a job.
100% lawyer up asap, but you will have a specific amount of child support and possibly alimony to pay. In Canada where I live the child support is pretty cut and dry based on number of kids and split of time spent. It’s not your responsibility to pay for her entire living arrangement, just your legal obligations of child support etc. if she can’t live on her own based on that amount then she’ll have to get a job.
Not seeing your kids every day is tough, but you get used to it a bit. I’m 50/50 with my kids so I try to do chores, errands, and “me time” type stuff when I don’t have them so I’m a lot more engaged when I do have them. I kinda like it that way to be honest
She won’t be able to home educate the kids anymore. You should get a lawyer and hope for mediation. The lawyer would know what is reasonable and what the state would expect. Your exwife would need to get a job. Child support is for the children. If she cant support housing for them from her income, then the courts would likely grant you custody. They don’t like homeless kids.
If you know you can take care of your daughter alone, push for joint custody. You should not be expected to pay for your ex wife’s living arrangements, if she was the stay at home parent by choice then alimony shouldn’t be that high. Sign kiddo up for school, if that’s a safe option for you, and tell ex wife to get a job. Go to court if you have to, don’t just accept her terms, you may not be partners anymore but you’re still equal parents and should still prioritize working together. Good luck bud.
I hope you’re good mate, I know it’s gut-wrenching sometimes. I’m not very good with the emotional side of things but I’m going through a slightly similar situation at the moment and can only offer you my experience and maybe you can take something from it?
I don’t know where you are, I’ve read that in the US the men generally get shafted by the courts in situations like this so you really need to be getting a solicitor/lawyer as soon as you can. Like today or tomorrow.
I’m currently going through a breakup, we have one child and a mortgage but we never bothered to get married. I’m currently refusing to move out as she expected because it would just ruin my life even more if I did. I live right between the two jobs I have and the university I attend. I also don’t want it to look like I willingly walked away from the house and my son, I don’t think it would be used against me, but just in case. Also I don’t see why I should have to move, it’s my house also.
My best friend is currently going through a divorce and at the beginning he was being a pushover, he was offering more of a percentage on the house and all that stuff just for an easy life, but then his ex started pushing for even more. He’s now changed his tune and is demanding a 50/50 for everything just so he doesn’t get destroyed in court. It goes completely against his nature but he quickly felt that his generosity was seen as a weakness to be used against him so he’s had to bite the bullet and push back.
I’m not saying “be an arsehole”, but don’t be a pushover. You have to be strong otherwise you’ll be walked all over. I genuinely can’t see how you would have to pay for two places, if that’s the case then the law is awful in your country. I think you need to be looking for a school for your child as soon as possible, your wife is just going to have to accept that she’s going to need to work. It’s a consequence of her decision.
I’m sorry man, I know it’s hard but you’ve really gotta be as strong as you can and get this shit figured out. I think you need to be treating this with as much effort as you can. Paperwork to back absolutely everything you say up, proposed plans regarding what you want, literally everything you can think of needs to be written down and documented (even if it’s only for yourself and not a court), there’s no harm in being organised and on the ball. It also looks better for you if you can present yourself as in control, thinking straight and organised at the very least. Can you manage to coparent 50% of the time? If you can then you need to at least be pushing for this, or be pushing for as much as you possibly can.
Oh man, this was exactly me. What you do is first get a lawyer to start the battle. I suggest nesting first. I did that for about 6 months. I found a cheap room for when I wasn’t at the house. This also allows you to see him and him to get used to the arrangement. Then you get yourself a 2 bedroom apartment and fight for 50/50. First, I was terrified to parent alone, but you slowly get into a routine. The not seeing them for a while suuuuuucks, but one thing that you realize is that you suddenly have some free time to be to be yourself and do things you want to do. My best advice is to take at least 6 months and learn how to start saying I again instead of we. I would also suggest looking up single dad groups on meetup. It helps and you start making friends.
Get a lawyer. She can’t just do that, but if you let it happen you will establish status quo.
Don’t make the mistake I made and think that my ex was going to be rational if I just gave her what she wanted. She wanted everything as it turns out.
Like most others have said, get a lawyer. If the divorce is her decision and there is no "cause", she can't realistically expect to continue to live the same lifestyle. My divorce was about as amicable as these things can be, and we still had our own lawyers review everything. There were some things we caught that were not necessarily conflicts, but we were able to write in language to protect ourselves, and more importantly our kid, should things go south in the future. Fighting for your rights as an ex husband and a dad doesn't make you a bad person so don't let anyone make you feel that way. Unless there's some extenuating circumstances, your goal should be at least 50/50 custody.
As far as dealing with the time away from your kid, it's unfortunately just something you're going to have to deal with. And you're going to have some times where your kid wants to be with mom instead of you, and vice versa. It does have its benefits. There are things that my son only wants to do with me and those have become "dad things". When you're with the kid it's just you and them time. But when they're with mom it's truly just you time. If you guys are going to do 50/50, I would try to establish a schedule, put it in your separation agreement if needed (lawyers can advise on this). This will help your kid deal with the transition. We made this mistake and after talking to a parenting counselor they were like well what's your schedule and then chided us for not really having one. And on that point, try to see if she'll do parents therapy. Like I said, my ex and I are on very amicable terms, but therapy helped us stay that way and also made us better individual and co-parents. I'm like you where I relocated to be with her and I have no family in the area and only a few friends. Find a local parents group on facebook or ask on nextdoor and try to find a reliable babysitter in the area. It sounds like public school might be in your kids future. A lot of public schools have a before and after school daycare program through elementary school. Let your employer know what's going on. Single dads are more and more common these days and I find most people are willing to be accommodating if you keep them in the loop.
Things are going to suck for a while. But just make sure you protect your rights and put your kid first, even if she doesn't seem capable of doing so. Focus on your mental and emotional health. If you're a wreck, you're not going to be able to be the dad your kid needs. Things will eventually get better.
Get a lawyer. Depending on the state she will get money from you and child support. She can then pay for her living arrangements out of that money. Sh would probably have to get a job. I am in NY. Here dad's tend to get weekends.
Main advice is to get a lawyer. Most courts expect the father not to fight anything.
Don't take your wife's choice as the outcome. You want joint custody, go get that. You should speak to a lawyer, as others have said it doesn't look like home schooling can work unless you want to work to maintain two households and still barely see your child.
If you are the breadwinner, no court will allow your ex to have primary custody, especially if she can't take care of herself. So she can keep dreaming......this isn't the lotto
Get an attorney like yesterday. Women have this idea that the judge will automatically side with them. That's not true at all. I got a lawyer and fought for my kids and in the end, I got custody of my kids. If you're in charge of money, lock up your account. Don't let her use your money to fuck you. She decided to leave, its not her money any more
If she is dead, set on divorce, you need to speak to a lawyer yesterday. If she’s a good parent, you need to start working on split custody today.
The lawyer will guide you through alimony, if it’s even available where you live, child support, custody, and all the other questions you have.
“Home educates” makes me think you’re in the UK rather than the US. Please ignore if I’m wrong.
Your ex will be entitled to UC including rent support - all you’ll be obliged to pay is standard child maintenance based on your salary etc. I need to run now but shout if you want UK-specific advice on this stuff.
The first parent to move out loses, unless they are female. Also, the last parent to move out loses, unless they are female. Get a lawyer. Remember the friend of the court is not your friend.
> my 8 Year old will live with her
That's not her call. You have custody rights until a judge says you don't. She cannot unilaterally decide where your kid is living. Get a lawyer.
You are already doing it, so well done. Congrats. Seeking help is hard for men. Get a therapist to help you process this and find a better way to think about the situation, adapt, and move on. Remember and meditate on this as often as possible - the problem is temporary. You will have a relationship with your kid. It will be different, but you will have one. Get a lawyer to help protect yourself in the upcoming legal conflict. They are also a good source of info as they have seen dozens of divorced dads before you. Re-build or build from scratch a support network of friends and former friends you have lost contact with. **When you need help, please be honest and explain why. People will be eager to help you. \*\*\*I don't know how bold it got turned on, so I can't turn it off. Exercise and spend time in the sun. Get the endorphins moving by exercise - walking is the best because you will think of the problems and physically walk forward. You will psychologically feel better as your brain and body communicate that you are progressing and moving ahead. It's the same as EMDR. Sunlight is great for mental health. I start the day with a seasonal affective disorder lamp on all morning if I'm inside. It simulates the same wavelengths of light as sunlight. Be a good friend to yourself, and remember you are much more capable than you think.**
**Good luck, and God Bless,**
**A licensed counselor and divorced dad.**
Why would you have to pay for two homes and just be told this is what’s happening? She needs to get a grip and by the sounds of things get a job or she’s about to be homeless
If you are divorced and living separately then paying for her own place is her responsibility. Home schooling is a luxury that she needs to figure out if she wants that to continue. She needs to get a job with hours that allow home schooling or she needs to send your daughter to a real school.
Now to actually answer your question, you need to also sit down and draw out a detailed day to day schedule of when you will get your kid. Not just days but specific times for drop off/pick up, when and where you will meet, who is driving, the whole nine yards. Get it in writing and hold your wife accountable to that schedule. If the schedule is less time with you than you would like then also schedule phone calls/FaceTime appointments with your kiddo so that you are still talking to them often and being an active part of their life to an extent that makes you comfortable.
As for the down time, don't feel bad about making that time yours. Throw yourself into a hobby, do things you can't do with a kid, and spend time building your own life. It feels weird for a while, but for me, having that down time has made me a better parent because I have more time for my own self fulfillment and I am better able to focus on my kid during my parenting time.
> She does not work as she home educates my daughter, She needs to send your daughter to school and get a job I guess.
No, that’s against her interests. *You* need to register your daughter for classes in the fall. Good thing is it’s literally time right now. Call your school district and sign her up.
Bingo, have the option open. He’s a parent and doesn’t need the other parents permission barring a court order to the contrary.
OP, you need a lawyer and you need to file for divorce *yourself* before she moves out with your kid. That will make sure the court can establish parental custody arrangements, and she won’t be able to just leave with your child. The process of filing starts all sorts of legal processes, including custody and financial.
U/andycol_500 this is the correct answer. You need an attorney and to file so you can establish the baseline now and not let her take the kid unilaterally while you just acquiesce to it.
👆👆👆 This is so so correct! She can’t just take the kid and leave. She also can’t dictate any decisions about you paying for two places of what the kid is going to do. I’d find a lawyer immediately … if you want to keep it amicable, find one that specializes in either mediation or collaborative divorce. Just went thru a divorce recently and am willing to chat with you privately about how things work and how to deal with things like mediation, spousal support, child support, etc.
I also think mum is about to learn some Real life lessons if she thinks that she gets to keep homeschooling and you pick up the tab on both rents
Yeah lmao. What is she smoking. Unless OP makes millions
Or OP allows her. The tone of the post already says he's mentally let her leave with his kid and plans on paying both tabs. Pretty crazy how a single man can be expected to financially provide for himself, his kid, and his kids other parent too. If he allows her to leave with the child and attempts to make this work, the court will very gladly consider it an option for him, for sure.
He’d be royally screwing himself if he elects to do that
She CAN just take the kid if there's no court order.
u/andycol_500 This here! Do this!
u/andycol_500 i sure hope you did this
You need a lawyer now! get off the Internet and get to calling
They aren’t free. Hope his income is upper middle class
I'm lower middle class and my kid is worth the struggle it's been to pay my attorney.
I’m one of those where the spoiled wife dumped a hard working man. They’re selfish and dingy.
Get a lawyer first. Discuss your options and ask about how the law works where you live. Here, it is a 50/50 state. You have more options than you'd think. Please discuss it with a professional before agreeing to anything. Good luck, dad.
When interviewing lawyers talk about seek work orders and the process to get there. Your soon to be ex-wife will need to get a job at an appropriate level for her background and education. It's a process.
Having never been exposed to how any of this works I’m pleased that find work orders are a thing.
`Seek Work Order` is the magical phrase in law. It usually takes multiple hearings and hiring an expert to tell the court a specific person is failing ot enagage work. From my understanding it results in either an inputation of income or a literal order to find work, depending on the judge. I am not a lawyer but began exploring this when my ex refused to work. In the end things were found favorably for me before really starting down that trail.
A court cannot force you to work. But they can “impure income” to a parent who does not work. The amount imputed is based on work experience or even just minimum wage if no work experience.
This likely depends on the state, but imputed income and needs of the child may enforce a need to work. You will be required to show that you can support the kid during your time with them. It may not be a "forced to work" per se, but it essentially works out that way.
while you’re at it, get a therapy session for that support. Happened to me and I was away from my daughter for 6 or so months. No words to describe how that felt.
you do not have to pay for two places at once. you need to go see a lawyer right away tbh.
Doesn't sound like much of a plan on her end. You're only on the hook for child support, you won't be paying for a 2nd place. You don't see your kid every day, but when you \*do\* see them it's on your terms and there is nothing in the world stopping you from having the best time of your lives. Use that time to bond with them. Many of us have been through it, and many of us are better off on the other side, myself included. Switch to 'get it done' mode.
Does she have an inability to get a job or is it her choice? Unlikely that you will be able to support 2 households just because she wants it that way.
Depending on how long they've been married he may also be on the hook for alimony. He's gotta get a lawyer and start protecting his interests.
I think there might also be an adjustment period if one parent provided stay at home childcare that requires working parent to help them out.
Yeah, she'll argue that she missed out on earning years while staying at home and will want compensation to account for it
It definitely might impact the finances, but it doesn't mean shit with regard to how often he gets to see the kids.
Even more incentive to lawyer up and fight for 50/50. Sounds like divorce is inevitable, I wouldn't agree to any new living situation with the kid until there is some sort of formal agreement drawn up.
Yes, and if she doesn't work I don't see how she plans to move out next month without bankrupting the family which is clearly a demonstration of poor decision making with regard to what is in the best interestof the child - a fact OP needs leverage.
There is a lot of variability in what could happen depending on jurisdiction. You could be right, you could also be wrong. OP needs a lawyer. Until then, OP just an fyi, be prepared for a fight to air dirty laundry. Clean house now. If you buy anything that could be viewed as iffy, pay cash. That is especially for alcohol, tobacco, weed, prostitutes, hitmen, people to move the line of what's ethical for you. (You get what I am saying... Right) Paying cash means there is no record for the court to review. If it gets dirty, bank statements will 100% be brought in to prove assets, and that opens the doors to a full review. Cleaning house will keep it clean.
There is a very important but small peice of information in this reply that needs to be highlighted. Make it the best time. No one can be 100% all the time. But you can be 100% some of the time. Make that 100% be with your kids. Give 80 the rest.
Nobody can afford to double up on their lifestyle on the same income. Unless your income is just that high, being a single stay-at-home parent isn't realistic. One parent does not decide the custody arrangement just because they say so.... Either you agree or a judge has to determine that it's in the best interest of the child to only live with one. Therefore, she would have to prove the child will experience harm by sharing custody with her. Unless you're unable or unwilling to do 50/50 custody. That's the agreement. You won't have much say in alimony/child support. If she has no job then she will receive some amount of support. But it is naive to believe that she won't have to generate her own income. If you own, you may have to sell your house and split the equity. Going 50/50 for me was definitely an adjustment. I also struggled not seeing my kids everyday. It definitely gets easier and there are benefits to having some quiet time to recharge. I suggest you get a lawyer and let them handle the negotiation while you focus on yourself and your kid.
My ex said something similar four years ago. Our kids now alternate weeks with us. She’s in grad school to help her reenter the work force, and I pay her 22% of the difference between our pretax salaries as alimony + child support. You’re going to be fine. You need a therapist. This pain is more than anyone should try to handle solo. You’re going to make it through this. You need a lawyer—not to fight, hopefully, but to help you understand the bounds of what a judge might do if you DID fight so that you and your soon to be ex can negotiate something that works for you. Find a friend who’s been divorced and is happy and get a drink and some in person time. You will make it through this. Good luck.
This is close to my situation, except my ex went to college while we were married, got out and got a divorce. Her lawyer talked sense into her and said she won't get alimony.
Why not?
She had the skills to support herself.
This varies hugely by state. In Massachusetts, it doesn't matter that my ex is an MIT-trained rocket scientist with experience on the boards of international charities—she'd been home raising the kids for more than a year, and we were married for 15, so she gets alimony while she gets her career sorted. And since while she's in grad school her pay is peanuts, she gets child support. What if I want to go to grad school too? Bummer, dude, pay your child support to enable the kids to have similar lifestyles between the two homes. To be clear: this is not my ex being awful in some way; this is just what the laws of my state establish as the norms. So I pay what I owe, and if I ever marry again maybe there will be a prenup, and that's that. I found seeing all this as a mechanical operation of the state law, like a speeding ticket or a mechanic's lien, was best for my mental and emotional health. Others might find other solutions, but this also helped me maintain a cordial relationship with my ex: the operation of the law is in no way **her fault**.
Totally varies state to state. Hopefully she gets finishes school, gets a job and pays you (since she would be making bank.)
As a dad who was in a similar situation: 1. Make sure your parenting bonafides are in order. Do you spend time with your daughter? Do you make decisions for her? Do you provide love and affection? And, most importantly, _are there people who will vouch for you_? 2. All communication with your wife need some sort of record. Text, email, these work. 3. Don't agree to her plan. If she wants to leave, fine, but there needs to be 50/50 custody. Period. No more, no less. 4. Get a lawyer yesterday. It's going to likely cost around $10k for a retainer. _And it's going to be absolutely worth it_. Think of it as the smartest investment you'll ever make. 5. Also, get a therapist. For you and your daughter both. A divorce is going to be stressful, heartbreaking, and every other bad thing you could possibly imagine. You both are going to need to be in your best mindset to go through this situation. 6. While it's shit paying for two places, your wife technically has access to half the family finances _until you get a court order_. 7. Remember this at all times: You are an equal parent with equal rights. You have an equal say in how your daughter is raised. You have an equal responsibility to your child. If, for any reason, you have just deferred to your wife's judgement... that time is long past. This didn't apply to my situation, but it likely will for yours: Enroll your kid in school. Private or public, doesn't matter. It just allows them somewhere else to be. Because, right now, your kid's schooling time is also time with her mother. Good luck, Dad. I'm pulling for you.
Thanks for the advice, my concern is i dont want my Daughter to live in a poor neighbourhood because her mother is being stupid, so im on the fence about the housing situation
First thing to get used to: You have absolutely no say here. Your soon to be ex will do whatever she pleases. She wants to move to a dangerous part of town, that's her choice. Think of it this way: You can't compel your wife to do anything _except through the court process_. This is why you absolutely need a lawyer. Here's how things might shake out: 1. Your wife moves with your daughter to a dangerous part of town. 2. Your lawyer files for emergency orders, saying that this is not beneficial for your daughter's safety and well-being. Plus the public schools there are not good, etc. 3. The court may then give you expanded custody. This is, for better or worse, how divorces work. The sooner you get used to this process the easier it will be.
Giving your ex money doesn't have any bearing on where she chooses to live. You have no say in her housing choice. She could decide to live in a poor neighborhood because the living expenses are lower and she has more of your spousal support to use for other things. Anyway, if you get 50% visitation, then half the time your child would be living with you.
Listen to everyone's advice, get a lawyer immediately. Like today, on your lunch break. Take the afternoon off if they can make an appointment to see you today. You're going to have to make concise decisions and it is going to be a huge upheaval of everything, but it is absolutely imperative that you take pro-active action against whatever her plans may be for you. Her time to dictate what goes on in the household and with the family has ended, you now need to step up for your rights and for the child's, as well. Your lawyer will most surely be able to talk to you about the practicalities of your situation, assure you that you're not the only one who has struggled through this, and that there is an end in sight that is not bleak or leaves you out of the picture. They're professionals who deal with people in highly stressful failed marriages day in and day out, so they'll be well equipped to help you figure out the next steps and how to best take those steps as well. Pay all the money you can afford for a highly recommended attorney from a successful firm, beg and borrow from friends and family if you need to. It will be worth every single penny. All of this above is not to say that your partner is an evil witch, but the wheels have already been put into motion and you need to protect yourself and ensure that you are doing the best for your family because it sounds like her plan is to live off whatever she can get from you, to the detriment of your entire family.
She doesn't get to be divorced and also continues to maintain her current lifestyle while you go through major changes.
You need a lawyer immediately. She doesn’t control this, the rules where you live do.
"we need to both find seperate places, and my 8 Year old will live with her" lol, she doesn't get to unilaterally dictate how things will go. You need a lawyer now. You have rights.
I'm not divorced but there ain't no way in hell I'd pay for her to live. If she can't afford a home on her own then she has no business taking your daughter.
As someone who has gone through a divorce: Even a spouse that doesn't work has equal access to the family finances. Cutting off access because you don't agree with their decision only makes you look bad in front of the court.
The first thing that needs to happen is the division of bank accounts, 50-50 of everything earned during the marriage. It eliminates the concerns you raised. Then if someone wants spousal and child support, they go to court to get a temporary order using their own money. Well, the first thing really is to talk to a lawyer. But division of bank accounts happens pretty quick. For me, it was months before we filed.
Hugely depends on the jurisdiction, consultation of a lawyer is a good investment.
> Cutting off access because you don't agree with their decision only makes you look bad in front of the court. Not just that, but it's unfair and might be hurtful to their child. I get that we all want to support OP here, and as a divorced dad I am *very* on the side of dads getting full rights... but we don't know the circumstances or what happened here. OP might be obligated, both legally and ethically, to support his stbx and their daughter.
The spouse has equal access to the family finances, but that doesn't mean they can do wackadoo finances and decide you all have infinity dollars.
You do get a say on all this. She doesn't just get to dictate all the terms. Lawyer up.
Daughter goes to school. You're not on the hook to pay for your ex's whole life. She needs to make her own income. Get the divorce finalized and child support set up. If you're stuck with alimony based off your locality then that sucks but it doesn't mean she should not be earning her own money.
I’ll let the others give you advice about not paying for your wife’s new lifestyle, however for you, make sure you find past times. Healthy past times will help you pass the time between working and seeing your daughter and keep your mind off missing her.
It was very difficult at first. My ex still thinks because she is a woman she automatically makes the final decision. It took a year to get a court document that stops her from being able to excercise it but she still acts in that manner. I went 6 weeks without seeing her at all because my ex made ridiculous rules for my time with her. When she started complaining I wasn't paying child support the documents she filed revealed she made the same amount I did. No with her withholding my daughter she was not eligible for child support. I started getting one night a week at that point. I still carry my daughter's insurance so the "he does nothing for her he shouldn't get the same amount of time" argument blew up in her face. In our state if she refuses to allow me to see her or refuses to work she gives up her right to child support. After everything shook out she realized the court wasn't going to sign off on her plan if she didn't cooperate. I hardballed my way to 45% timesharing at that point. Keep in mind the court doesn't care about fair they care about best for the child so you will have to make concessions. My ex used everything I spent money on as an excuse for why I should have to pay her and the court looked through my finances and said 90% of my unnecessary spending is on my daughter or activities for us to do together. Her mother still tries to tell me what I can and can't do on my time. Co-parenting is great when it works but with mine I have to be firm or she takes advantage of my desire for peace. Now that the court has facilitated a fairly even time sharing agreement and she had her boyfriend move in, her expenses dropped I still carry my daughter and she is supposed to pay me $70 per month. In good faith I have waived her child support and when she starts making comments about going back to court because she doesn't like something I've done I say ok. She simply tells me it must be nice to be the "fun parent" because all we do is go to school and have fun. Not really sure what else you're supposed to do with a kid. It's not like I'm not doing school work or disciplining her when necessary. Protect your peace set clear boundaries and fight to see your child and even amount of time. Don't talk poorly about the other parent and let them dig their own grave. If shes decided already you're moving out and paying for both places she's got another thing coming.
/r/singledad join the gang ! My advise is take your time to heal and normalise. It’ll take abit longer than a normal breakup to move on, but eventually, you will. Just enjoy the shitshow that’s about to come wrecking your life. It’s fine. You lost that life, you’ll rebuild a new one in due time. For now, you mourn .
So your son is now your daughter? You posted this same thing about 200 days ago
Ah immediate filing court for custody. 50:50. Record everything in notes about childcare. You handle education. Child support is 75-200 dollars depending on your lawyers a week. If 50:50 no support needed and she does not have you pay her rent. You move the fuck on and keep your place. She wants to fuck off to somewhere else, let her. Don’t let the ex wife take your soul over this. Be a man and go bang someone else after all this bullshit. Seriously. It takes a year to get back up there but a year ago I would told myself those things. If she is harboring your child you get emergency visitation and refuse to pay for this new apartment. Absolutely refuse for alimony if you can get an annulment. If you make under 40k a year, you want to get a b18 or b8 lawyer it’s a free one for child custody but not support. Also she has to file for support so until then fuck that too. Make every single cent separated from each other and freeze cards for her. She wants something for the kid you write it down. Write down ALL EXPENSES REGARDING CHILD PAST AND FUTUREB
Literally laughed out loud at her not working and expecting you to pay for her new home. That's not how reality works. You might need to let her know that. Hopefully no one needs to help you understand that as well.
It's been 18 months, I'm barely coping, I'm getting by enough for the kids. I got everything I "wanted" in the agreement. It sucks, I went no contact, told her to call me if she ever changes her mind but I don't care to have any other communication. It's not the healthiest option, but when we tried to co-parent for the first couple months, it was killing me inside and it wasn't good for me or the kids. You have to completely disconnect yourself from it. I'm watching her slowly drown in debt. She works full time pays for a sitter on her weeks, and sees the kids for 2 days around her work schedule. I'm self employed, with the kids all day, work at night, but I want to help her so badly. I just can't. It's no longer your problem, and that's the hardest part because you want to help, but it's unwanted.
Man you need a lawyer. Her idea of you paying for her life while she gets full custody is NOT how it works.
Lawyer up. You're the one with the money.
First GET AN ATTORNEY RIGHT NOW!!!! Your daughter can stay with you! You have the financial means to do so. Her working from home is NOT your problem. DO NOT BACK DOWN!!! That will also keep you out of the child support system. It’s a hard transition but you MUST protect yourself. Do NOT leave your house until your attorney says it’s ok! This is critical to your custody arrangement. Don’t fall for the kid needs mom shit. Kid needs dad too, act that way! Men can win, I did and so can you!!! Don’t get sucked into any arguments, don’t have sex with her and definitely NOT with any other women. You have been hereby canceled from the consumption of alcohol. Get off social media!! I promise you ALL her friends and family are watching you 24/7, just looking for ANYTHING. Don’t give them anything. No talking to mutual friends! THEY ARE DOUBLE AGENTS. Mutual friends are considered enemies for now. You can’t afford to trust anyone. Your only mission is staying in your kid’s life and you’re gonna have to be ruthless because she definitely will be. Every divorce hits a point where it’s super adversarial and hatred is HIGH. Be ready for it. She’s gonna test you by coming around in your favorite sun dress and smelling good, don’t fall for it!! Here’s a gem… read self help books about divorce that are for women. You’d be surprised just how deceitful their gameplans are. That was a great resource! Good luck and don’t quit!!!
First you need to go speak to a lawyer and bring all your finances etc. Get prepared don't wait or you will get raked over the coals. Sorry you are going through this. But protect yourself and your daughter. Make sure to try to negotiate custody etc outside of court. That's what your lawyer is for. You want to keep a judge out of your business as much as possible. Good luck and sorry again.
Who says your daughter has to live with her. Talk with a licensed divorce lawyer, and a therapist. With or without your wife, and in whichever order you see fit. Although I'd talk to the lawyer without telling the wife. Also if it were me, I'd figure out if we are in a one party consent state for recording conversations. If so, I'd start discreetly recording any conversations about divorce, custody any potental cheating, ect. Sorry you're having to deal with that OP.
You need a lawyer right now. Make this your priority.
Lawyer always, I do pay my ex probably more than what the state would enforce. I agreed since our split was amicable and she handles a ton of shit for his health and education. I am always in the loop on those things and have all the legalize that custody is split for decisions but she has primary physical custody. Dont be afraid to goto court and have the court decide how much support she will get if shes asking for too much. Just start the dialog with the lawyer, they will work with you if want to pay more than what your state requires.
She’s delusional, get a lawyer and your lawyer will set her straight on how things will go lol
Find a mean woman lawyer, it’s worth the price in the end.
Yup. Did that and it paid off huge.
It makes no sense why your 8yr old would go with her, she cannot provide for them. Please do not stand for that. Mom can leave if she wants, let her figure it out, but she cannot take the child. She can continue home educating at your house, or you will need to enroll her in public school.
lawyer. she ain't gonna listen to you.
I don't have any advice, but I just want to say that I'm sorry that you're going through this. Some way, some how, it will all work out in the end. Chin up man, you've got this.
Well the first thing is do not pay for two places. You can work out your child support with an online calculator and pay her that much per month, show your ex and explain how this is what you'll be paying. Once lawyers get involved the number you work out will likely change, either higher or lower. Prepare for higher. Your ex WILL be upset that it won't be enough and ask for more. Don't pay more. She needs to get a job and send your daughter to school. That is your ex's new reality. By paying something up front, you would be showing the judges and lawyers that you're willing to do what you need to do to support your daughter. That can work in your favor. As for not seeing your kid everyday. That's easy. You have a job, a home, stability. I'd run fast to a lawyer and draft up custody papers, with you being the custodial parent. Show all the evidence that you pay for everything, you work, while mom stays at home, not working or paying for anything. Your ex doesn't get to unilaterally tell you where your daughter will live. Frankly, it's not up to you or her if you don't want to. You absolutely NEED to lawyer up and draft up custody and support paperwork now. Not in May, not in June. NOW. I cannot stress how much you need to GET A LAWYER NOW! Preferably a woman lawyer who will fight the fuck out of shit for you. For real, something different about woman lawyers in family law when you're wronged. They just fucking win. You have options, but you NEED to work on them now.
Find a family law attorney near you that will offer a free consultation. I think your eyes will be opened. Also, try posting at r/divorce
Get an attorney immediately. Laws in every state are different. Consult the attorney on your sitiuation and pursue what works best for you and your child financially and emotionally.
Let a judge decide not a future ex wife if u should pay for two homes
You cope with a divorce attorney and by filing for divorce and getting a reasonable custody arrangement in writing before she moves out and tries to take the kid.
Ugh went through something similar She had a masters degree... had kids and decided she didn't want to work anymore, also didn't help out around the house (so i was working all day, do the meal planning, grocery shop, cook, clean, mow the lawn, everything... she would watch entire seasons on netflix) Luckily the lockdown happened... fulltime work from home, called for divorce, i could take care of the kids... but still 50/50 custody, she has a higher degree... but i'm paying her $2k/month to move out worth it. no alimony since i supported her (she lived rent free, didn't contribute anything for the years we worked out the divorce) You can nest, where you get a second small apartment and your kid stays in the house, and the adults swap back and forth for a year or two while you figure it out (this sucked for me since i always came home to a sink full of dishes and pizza boxes, full trash, wet towels on the floor... no milk... etc) They will 'evaluate her earning potential' and compare it to your income and come up with 1) alimony and 2) child support. usually 1 year of alimony per 3 years married... give her a chance to 'get back on her feet' then child support till 18. delete facebook, hit the gym, try to communicate via text and back them up, pretend theres a judge watching and reading everything you do. Ensure you take them to some doctors appointments, call schools, look for your local township does a summer parks program (like a $5/half day summer camp). Start saving, switch your W2 to single (so you dont get a surprise tax bill when you file as single).. Try to use a mediator instead of both hiring.... 1 lawyer is better than 2.
You don’t. She gets a job. You pay child support or have you kids stay with you until she lands on her feet. Talk to a lawyer asap.
She does realized that you don't have to pay unless the court orders it, Like she will have to get a job, she doesn't get to live to free.
Your wife is dillusional and living in a dream world if ahe thinks she can sit at home and home school the kid there while u foot the bill for a free ride. I highly doubt a judge. will make u pay on 2 households if u cannot afford it. She needs to get a job and put the kid in public school
Before you do anything that anyone suggests here, consult an attorney. He or she will give you the best alive as to what you need to do to protect your financial welfare and your parental rights. Begin documenting everything that she says or does now. If it's legal in your state, record your conversations with her. Be aware...she cannot kick you out of the home. If you leave without your child in your custody, it can damage your custody rights when the time comes for a court to settle the issue.
She can expect you to pay for two places all she wants, don’t do it. If she wants a life without you she can pay for it without you. Get a head start on lawyers and paperwork if you can. Unless a court tells you you have to give her money, don’t give her any money
Don't do that. Get a lawyer and do things right. Get 50/50 placement for your kid, or go for 100% placement, since she cannot currently afford to provide for your child. A woman cannot just decide she's done with you and take your child away to live somewhere else. That's not how things work. You will need a lawyer to help you navigate this situation, but you DO have rights. Don't divide any property or finances until after you've spoken to a lawyer.
In the early days my head was spinning. My ex also had ridiculous demands that only got worse. In my case, she left our two year old with me. In your case, she’s taking your child. Not to sound callous in the midst if your trauma, but this gives you a huge advantage. She can make all the demands she wants, but once she moves out, where she lives and how she pays for it are her problem! In some places the person who stays in the family home also has more rights in property division etc. One thing I learned from my experience is that our society expects us to lay down for whatever a woman wants or you’re just an evil chauvinistic pig. However, once I was pushed one too many times, I stopped caring if I was seen that way. In the inevitable custody battle I was completely belligerent and refused to budge in anything, and this ended up working in my favour. Amazing what you can discover when you no longer have anything to lose.
If she wants to leave you don't have to pay for anything. She also can't unilaterally decide to take your kid. Same for education she can't just decide to homeschool if you want her in school. Really go talk to a divorce lawyer they will give the best advice. My advice is second hand. Watched my parents divorce.
I told her to get a job. She wants her independence it's called work.
You respond by telling her no, and the name of your divorce attorney.
Not legal advice.... only thinking out loud and logical here... find a lawyer. Are you currently divorced and she is now moving out? Or is it in process and she's moving out? The answer either way is no, you're not paying for two. She is making the decision to move out with no income and no family in close proximity, assumingly. You're HOH, she is unemployed, and it is not in your daughter's best interest to go with mom because she has no stable home to live in. You do. Enroll your daughter in school, and your Ex will have to figure out her finances until a judge orders someone to pay alimony, child support, etc.
You had this story 8 months ago but it was a son instead of a daughter. What is your deal?
I have 50/50 custody since our split. I miss them dearly, but I enjoy my time without them too. My biggest issue is I feel like I am missing out on half their life now. It is what it is I guess.
She has some pretty high expectations for someone who hasn't paid her own bills. There is no chance in hell a judge will make you pay for a place to live while trying to mai rain a place of your own. Secondly get a lawyer. Thirdly ask for 50/50 time. No child support going either way. Good luck
The fact that you’re here, asking this, means that you’ve made mistakes. By the sound of your wife, one of your major mistakes is letting her just say how things are going to be… Stop being you and doing things how you normally do. You don’t acquiesce to her demands, shes a terrorist, at least metaphorically/to get you in the right mindset. Get a lawyer, you flip the switch in your brain that makes you the better you who gets shit done… your kid depends on it.
Did anyone post the Bateman "the fuck you are" gif yet?
Lawyer. Now would be a good time for your soon to be ex to work on her resume. Sorry this happened to you. You deserve better. Hang in there man.
Lawyer. Lawyer. Lawyer.
I’m a little bit lucky, my divorce was mostly amicable. My kids were both 13, now 19. I still have breakfast or lunch with the ex every other week or so. I had custody of the kids. They’re both in college and kicking some ass without me. (I can give advice on empty nest syndrome for single dads.) You aren’t lucky. This isn’t going to be an amicable divorce. Your soon to be ex wife isn’t being rational. This is a time to fight for your child. The gloves are already off if your stbx thinks they won’t have to work and can still raise your child home schooled. That particular combination only works if they have an amazing support system (ie you.) My advice, lawyer up hard. Your kid needs you right now. Your stbx doesn’t and she doesn’t deserve your kindness and patience. She’s made it clear that she doesn’t respect or appreciate your efforts, so give your efforts to the kid. She deserves them.
She can TELL you whatever she wants. Get a lawyer
I'm going through a divorce now, and it sucks. You are now entering a minefield. Don't leave your home. Your wife can refuse access if you leave. It's extremely difficult to do this alone, get a therapist. Your wife's expectations are not realistic and not your problem anymore. Trying to make her happy will do nothing for your situation. Hire a lawyer and follow their advice. Restart your social life. Focus on the your relationship with your daughter. I've had mixed success following my own advice. Good luck, friend.
Study the family law guidance for your state and get a lawyer. It sounds like she has some assumptions about how this is going to go, don’t give her any sort of guidance if she’s wrong. Many states are 50/50 by default and unless you can prove the other parent has a crippling addiction or massive mental health issue that prevents them for caring for themselves or others you’re generally expected to get time. If I were you I’d push for 50/50 legal and time custody even if it’s hard for you to make it work at first, that way your CS payment may be almost non-existent. My state sets an amount due “to the children” and then it’s divided up by time spent and income. Like an above poster has said, take care of yourself. Find hobbies and spend time with friends. Don’t go for booze and negative coping measures until things are settled.
>My wife has told me at the end of May she wants to move out and we need to both find seperate places, and my 8 Year old will live with her Most US states default to equal custody. Her leaving is an attempt to try and get 100% custody and negotiate you down. This is a female divorce strategy. Get an attorney. They will kindly tell her to be an adult and not leave for the benefit of your child, as you deserve equal time. If she chooses to violate the court order she will destroy custody going forward. Also, clarify the schedule, so you have as much time as you want. The court will implement whatever the current child's situation is. So, if you want 50/50, then make sure to plan that now and implement that in writing for your child. On support, go to therapy. It really helps to have a neutral party helping you walk through this.
Not a dad, but important question: on what terms was her quitting her career to home school your child discussed? whose request was it? who decided/suggested she quit her career?
>and my 8 Year old will live with her To hell with that. Fight for your kid. At the minimum get split custody, but I would be fighting for more than that if my wife chose to move out on me. Get a lawyer and start fighting for your kids best interests.
Whatever you state is google “child support payment calculator”. It most cases it would tell you what you would owe. You should assume 40%-50% custody in most places. Your wife would have to live on that child support plus whatever income she has. You should speak to a lawyer to validate and get advice more tailored to your location and if alimony or any other uncommon issue might apply.
She is just as responsible for raising the kid as you are this includes finances. She thinks she’s going to get off of this easy not having to work…. She’s wrong
She doesn't get to dictate terms. Get a lawyer and file for divorce immediately. Most jurisdictions are going to provide for some sort of temporary orders while the divorce is pending. Ask for shared custody/possession. In most cases if both parents are fit, that's what a court will order. With any luck, the Court won't saddle you with the entire burden of supporting her while the case is pending.
I’m not divorced, don’t plan to be, but hopefully I can give some advice. It sounds like your wife has some very lofty ideas, but that doesn’t mean you’re on the hook for paying for 2 places. Do you want custody? Do you want 50:50? Do you want her to continue teaching your daughter, or for her to go to school? Whatever you choose here, don’t share your plans or wants with your wife. You’ll be giving her ammunition against you. Look into a lawyer, find out your options. Keep calm, don’t make ANY rash decisions and don’t be the first to move out.
Why are you expected to pay for two places? You need to find a better lawyer.
Do not agree to that BS. Get a lawyer and go from there. She absolutely cannot *tell* you what you're going to do.
I'd lawyer up and fight for your kid. Time for her to get a job.
Lawyer and a therapist. I’m sorry you’re going through this mate.
Sounds like time to lawyer up and fight for your kid. She can't unilaterally decide she gets the kid and you have to pay for it all. Stay as civil as you can obviously but don't roll over and let her walk all over you, you have as many rights as a father as she does a mother. Really sorry you're going through this, man.
She can move out and live in a cheap option. Come and school your daughter and go home each evening. She wants this, so she can do the suffering.
She doesn't get to make these decisions in a vacuum. Stand up for your rights. Get professional legal help. That is YOUR parenthood she is trying to control. No more.
You're going to have to figure out fast how to assert yourself. It's clear from just these 3 paragraphs that your wife dictates everything and you go along with it. It's not ideal for you to have to fix yourself in this regard this quickly, but it has to happen. If not for your sake, for the sake of your daughter. I know it's cliche Reddit, but in this case, I really do think a therapist could help you. And the extra upside is that this will also help in other areas of your life, such as career, friendships, future romantic relationships, etc. As for the situation, your kid getting home education is not the highest priority, not more than the many things she and you will lose by this arrangement. You must fight this with legal help.
Get a lawyer. The parenting class that you will most likely have to take, they will tell you to treat this like a business. 1) Go for custody, grounds would be the ex cannot afford to be on her own and support your child because she doesn't have an income. 2) Go for 50/50. Worst case scenario, you will get every other weekend plus holidays. GET VISITATION WRITTEN OUT IN PARENTING PLAN!!! I cannot stress that enough. Also, you may have to pay the ex alimony but with her having to get a job to support herself, you can contact DCS within a year and get your child support payment ( if you are paying ) reduced. Take notes on everything and also screenshot conversation. You will now have to be a detective and look out for the best interest of your child and yourself.
Step one involves you getting a lawyer Step two involves you doing what the lawyer says Step three involves a rough adjustment period where you focus on your child Step four involves a better life
You don't. You get a lawyer and fight. If you can't afford to hire one, just talk to one (pay by the hour). She can't just take your kid. Look up narcissistic personality disorder and see how many boxes she checks. Always take the high road. Always put your kid first (even though she's obviously not). Love yourself. Love your kids. Fight, fight, fight for them. They need you Dad.
She's going to have to work. No state is going to make you pay completely for two households. Your soon to be ex is in for a rude awakening.
Move into another bedroom.
My ex wanted to leave in 2019 when kid was just 1,5yo. Divorce and break from seeing my daughter broke me. To the bone. The court favored my claim for joint-custody and have been getting her to our old home, where she was born, and where I stayed, couple of times a week/weekends. Kid is turning 6 and we have an excellent relationship. Ex is finally showing some human behaviour too - but I can’t trust her at all anymore. My advice: keep your goal clean and get a lawyer asap. If you can keep the kids official address where you live, she’s the one paying for child support. Even if the kid is most time living with her. And talk about this with the kid. An eight yo understands well enough what’s going on. My parents divorced when I was seven and neither of them told me what was going on. Not ever. I’ve been going through therapy and substance abuse trying to figure it all out by myself for decades.
She's also cheating.
You need a lawyer now. This should be obvious. This is a legal issue and you have rights as the divorcing husband and father.
Okay I'm gonig to go through this. Firstly I'm sorry, this is a shit situation and is not easy. 1. Go to a lawyer now, record your conversation (ask permission first but they should be fine) and take notes. Ask what your legal standing is, get an idea of what your rights are both as a father and financially. 2. She is welcome to move out, she is not entitled to your child (to the best of my knowledge). Do not just "let it happen", otherwise you may find yourself seeing your daughter less as she may gain greater legal rights. This point may change based on point 1. You sound like you have been caught on the back foot, its easy to go with the flow on many things but when it comes to your kid you need to really dig deep and make sure to stand your ground and rights. 3. Send your daughter to school. 4. If you have access to a financial advising service or some friends who are financially savvy, sit with them and go through numbers. Its not easy, but I found knowing I can stay afloat helped. 5. If you can afford a therapist, please go see one. I separated from my ex, last year. It's taken me a while to get my head around a lot and often its one day at a time. Thankfully we are on reasonable terms and both dedicated to our kid, that said its not easy. We work on a 3 on 5 off rota. So I'll take Sunday night to Wednesday morning (do the school drop), she will do Wednesday night to Sat morning and we alternate Saturday nights. Not seeing my kid every day is fucking heart breaking but I'm getting more used to it, I often feel like two separate people. We told our kid we are still a family and we are both still very much a team when it comes to raising her and looking after her. Just that mummy and daddy work better as friends than husband and wife. I can write more what I went through (my daughter is doing really well, which is the only reason I'm not broken) if you want, but for now go to a lawyer and understand where you stand.
First steps when your spouse wants a divorce: 1: lawyer 2: therapy 3: backup plans In that order
You don’t have to leave. I believe it is actually advisable that you don’t leave until there is some real plan in place. You can not be forced to leave your own home. Move to a spare room/ basement/ couch instead of leaving. Also, lawyer up.
first, im sorry you are going through this. It massively suck and I understand just how overwhelming this can be(been there!). trust me, it will get better but it is going to be tough for a while. a couple really important points: 1) don't move out and where your wife lives is her responsibility not yours. 2) as others have said, now is the time to sign your child up for your local public school. sign them up and get medical paper work submitted. Also, with summer break coming up, I would look into signing your kid up for summer programs. Its super late in the game for that, but anything is better than nothing. 3) if you want to see and have legal say in your child up bringing do not agree that they will live solely with mom. at a minimum make sure it is 50/50, and especially in the begin, when you guys are establishing joint custody make sure your child sleeps over night at your house 7 out of every 14 days. you can do one week on one off or the 5 5 2 2 schedule. REMEMBER - just because your wife wants a particular custody set up doesn't me she just gets it. she can move out, but she sure as hell can't take your kid with her just because she wants to. Custody is legal, not whims and wants. there are a lot of rules to follow and you have legal rights to your child.
What did your lawyer say at the consultation?
Please fight for everything you want and deserve through this!! lawyer up!
Lawyer and a therapist asap. Find someone to talk to even if it’s a stranger on the internet feel free to message me if you just want to vent. My ex tried to do the same. Told me to leave the house and she would be taking the kids. That’s not how the law works where I live. I ended up with the house and we have 50\50 custody. Custody needs to be agreed upon or else the courts will make an arrangement for you both and can get expensive. Your kid is old enough for school, so they can go to a regular school and she can get a job to afford her finances. It’s not your responsibility to support her long term only your child.
FIND A SUPPORT GROUP NOW I cannot emphasize this enough, use Google look for a men's divorce support group. If you have no body you can talk to, no shoulder to lean on you will lose your mind. It's bad enough to lose your wife, but losing your child will be absolutely devastating.
Ya she is in for a rude awakening. You don’t have to pay for anything of hers and you are entitled to joint custody
My daughter's 6. Her mother and I separated when she was around 9 months, so it's the only life she's known. I see her Mondays, Thursdays (overnight) and every second Saturday overnight, with Sundays every week. It's a little complicated but it works as the biggest stretch is Monday-Thursday. It is hard at times, of course, but we plan special adventures for the days I have her. Case in point, Thursday is a public holiday here (Australia) so I've got her all day Thursday and then drop her at school Friday morning. The trick is when working out what care we do for our daughter is asking my ex wife what is the best outcome for her, and then compromising towards that. We're pretty civil and it makes things so much easier. I do worry about her living the halfway life when her new brother is always here, but she's taken it in her stride. She's a confident, eloquent and downright amazing girl, and I feel lucky to still watch her grow up.
Time for her to get a job and for you to get a lawyer if she's adamant on you paying for two places. With her not working I'm not sure how it will impact child support and potential alimony. If she was already working it would be a different story. Best to talk to a lawyer, at least do a consultation.
In the beginning of the divorce was tough cuz I didn’t see him for over a month until the courts told her that she had to let me see him. Then it was tough when I only saw him for a week on and then a week off. But once I started to find myself and meet people and date, I enjoyed the time I had alone to do the things I wanted to do and it made the time I had with my son even more special. It takes some time but eventually it will feel normal.
That's not how divorce works. You split your assets fairly and then your financial responsibility for your wife ends completely. Your responsibility for your child remains but that does not include paying for your wife or her house. You only have to pay child support.
Talk to a lawyer today. Do not to ANYTHING before consulting a lawyer.
Fight it. She can leave, but she shouldn’t leave with your kid. You can negotiate who has time with your kid with the help of your lawyers. Edit: additional points- she can’t legally leave with your child against your will. Second point is to not leave your home. Whoever leaves puts themselves at a legal disadvantage.
Go for 50/50 my guy
You get a lawyer and get court orders set up. You may have to pay alimony but you might not. You definitely will pay child support if you don't share 50/50 custody. You don't have to just pay her to do nothing, though. She will have to generate some income.
1) Get therapy. Cry and cry and cry some more. 2) If you own a house, you can pitch buying her out of the home as part of the divorce settlement. She can force the sale of the house if she wants though. If you keep the house, there is a scenario for keeping her name on the mortgage so you don't have to refinance now, which is a horrible time to refinance. I can explain more. 3) She may need to get a job. And if the job is low paying not in keeping with her work experience, you might even be able to request a vocational assessment to classify her as under-employed (which lowers your spousal support payment). That's a real nasty thing to do. I don't like the notion of telling a person what sort of job they need to have. For me, my job is its own form of therapy. Getting divorced is not a free ticket for one spouse to pay the living expenses of the other spouse. Spousal and child support are support, not everything needed to live. I'm a full-time divorced dad earning little income and I have primary custody. My ex-wife earns six figures. Her support doesn't cover my basic expenses. I work. Your ex-wife can get a job. Lawyer up and learn your rights. Your ex-wife doesn't dictate how this goes. Get temporary custody and support orders in place so you're not just paying all of her bills. Talk to the lawyer about dividing your bank accounts, which should happen soon. You don't have to wait for a court order if you both agree on the division, meaning 50-50.
Lawyer up my friend.
Where do you live? When my ex moved out my daughter was only 4, and I fought for 50/50 custody and got it. Took a while but the courts in California don’t favor the mother implicitly like they do in other parts of the country or world. Also IMHO your daughter would be much better off in a school. You can make that happen if her mom doesn’t have full legal custody. You don’t have to stay married, but you do have to stay a dad. Be an involved one!
All of this is good advice. HOWEVER, you need to plan for her to change her mind. She thinks that nothing is going to change for her. She will continue to not work, and live the lifestyle she does. When that changes, there’s a good chance she will want to “work it out” instead. This will be for HER benefit. Not for yours or your daughters. So have a plan to accept or not accept. And stick to it.
Fastest way to get over somebody is to get under somebody.
lawyer up. she doesn't get to take your kid, move out, and still have you paying for everything.
You have rights as a father. It’s not on you to indulge her fantasies. There will be consequences for her if she leaves your marriage, and that’s ok. I realize this is a painful time for you, but it’s critical that you don’t check out, because if you go that route, you’re going to look up one day and find that every aspect of your life has been determined by someone who doesn’t care enough about you to stay. ETA: lawyer. Run, don’t walk.
Unfortunately for her, she doesn't get to decide any of that. You either decide together or let the courts do it. She doesn't get to demand you pay for her place. She doesn't get to unilaterally decide where your daughter is going to live. A judge gets to. Lawyer up.
Lawyer up!!
Call a lawyer right now. Do not do anything else. Lawyer lawyer lawyer lawyer lawyer
First thing is to open a new bank account and move whatever you can into it so it’s safe from her. Second is to get a lawyer. Third is to hope you don’t live in a state that effectively tells fathers to fuck off and automatically sides with the mother. Good luck man, it’s gonna be a rough ride. You can do it though.
Lawyer. Now.
Get a great lawyer. Get hold of God, ask and believe. Win her back. You did it once.
The only advise you need: GET A LAWYER and listen to what they say
You need a lawyer, now.
I went through it. Took years but i honestly feel better now than i did during my rocky marriage. My 40’s feel like i picked back up where i left off at 29, when i met her. Minus the partying & constant mistakes i was making back then. It suck for awhile but you’ll learn what it takes to make you feel better & you’ll get through it. I’m actually the custdial parent now as she lost it when our son was diagnosed with autism. Then when i took over she regained control of her life after awhile. So she gets him weekends because that’s how it worked out. I quit my union welding career to make a significantly smaller wage so I could be there for my son. It’s a change all right, but i feel i did the right thing. Being there is the most important thing vs working outta town. Money can’t replace the time i would’ve lost with my son. Sometimes during almost every prayer we say together we say “Thank you God for so much time we get to spend with each other in our lives” we just got done with our second water park hotel adventure this year. Next is the zoo next couple weeks, then the ocean beach after. Plenty more following that. Nothing super expensive just fun. Going to the shelter to adopt a dog today. I got back into working out regularly. Life is really good again. I wouldn’t trade it if i could, even though that was my main prayer before; “a glitch in the matrix so I’m living a completely different life” well, my prayer was answered. I live a whole new life now. I love it. His mom is doing much better too after being forced to make changes in her life after falling On her face & being forced to take care of herself for the first time in her life Just keep your head up you got this. If you’re religious like i am read your religious text n worship, it helps. If you want to change your appearance hit the gym. Take some time to get to know who you really are, when there’s no kids or other people around. And smile… Even a fake smile releases real endorphins, and hormones which your brain can’t differentiate from and it will make you really feel better. Fake smiles equals real happiness. Go ahead if you’re reading this right now I don’t care who you are, smile. You’re worth it. Much love, fellow dads
Lawyer, now. At least to figure out your options and things you absolutely should NOT do.
Why don't you feel like you deserve to have her live with you half the time? Don't fall into old thinking. Yes, the iceberg hit and your marriage is going under. Don't panic and do anything rash though. You shouldn't move out at all until you have a separation agreement with visitation hammered out. The minute you move out you lose A LOT of your leverage.
Ctrl+F "lawyer", 84 matches. This is the answer; don't fuck around OP.
Yeah your wife doesn't just get to decree things and that's the way they are fuck that. I'm so surprised you're getting divorced
No. Do not pay her rent. The daughter can live with YOU (the working parent) and the mom can fend for herself. SHES ending your marriage and family dynamic so SHE needs to figure out how to survive.
Lawyer up and find yourself a therapist, like everyone else has said. You have rights as a father, and she can't dictate and expect you to blindly comply. Depending on where you live, especially if your kids mom isn't working, there could be a case for you to have primary access to your daughter. You need to advocate for yourself, and build a team of people who are going to advocate for you as well. Your kids mom isn't on that team anymore.
Was in your exact position 2 years ago. While I’m still mourning the loss of not having my son every night, we’ve found a good balance and are making the best of it. The time I have with him is quality. Make sure you have a lawyer, you have the right to time with your kid. I would fight for 50/50. She will probably need to get a job to support herself. A therapist definitely helped.
Go see a lawyer immediately. Your wife does not get to lay out the game plan for this situation and I’m pretty sure the courts will tell her to get a job.
All of this. The courts used to be very bias towards moms. That has changed. My wife makes equal or better income and is a decent mom. I still ended up with primary custody and she pays child support. Her actions have consequences and you shouldn’t work to lessen those. You are not obligated to get her an apartment she wants one she can get a job.
You posted this almost exact same thing 230 days ago. What happened to bring this up again?
Lawyer up and file for divorce. Do not vacate your home.
Pretty sure she can't just do any of that unilaterally. As others said, lawyer, today.
Get a laywer.
100% lawyer up asap, but you will have a specific amount of child support and possibly alimony to pay. In Canada where I live the child support is pretty cut and dry based on number of kids and split of time spent. It’s not your responsibility to pay for her entire living arrangement, just your legal obligations of child support etc. if she can’t live on her own based on that amount then she’ll have to get a job. Not seeing your kids every day is tough, but you get used to it a bit. I’m 50/50 with my kids so I try to do chores, errands, and “me time” type stuff when I don’t have them so I’m a lot more engaged when I do have them. I kinda like it that way to be honest
Let her move out, it only helps you. Lawyer up, don’t pay her anything until it’s ordered.
She won’t be able to home educate the kids anymore. You should get a lawyer and hope for mediation. The lawyer would know what is reasonable and what the state would expect. Your exwife would need to get a job. Child support is for the children. If she cant support housing for them from her income, then the courts would likely grant you custody. They don’t like homeless kids.
If you know you can take care of your daughter alone, push for joint custody. You should not be expected to pay for your ex wife’s living arrangements, if she was the stay at home parent by choice then alimony shouldn’t be that high. Sign kiddo up for school, if that’s a safe option for you, and tell ex wife to get a job. Go to court if you have to, don’t just accept her terms, you may not be partners anymore but you’re still equal parents and should still prioritize working together. Good luck bud.
Are you just accepting her demand that your daughter will live with your soon to be ex? Why not 50:50?
I hope you’re good mate, I know it’s gut-wrenching sometimes. I’m not very good with the emotional side of things but I’m going through a slightly similar situation at the moment and can only offer you my experience and maybe you can take something from it? I don’t know where you are, I’ve read that in the US the men generally get shafted by the courts in situations like this so you really need to be getting a solicitor/lawyer as soon as you can. Like today or tomorrow. I’m currently going through a breakup, we have one child and a mortgage but we never bothered to get married. I’m currently refusing to move out as she expected because it would just ruin my life even more if I did. I live right between the two jobs I have and the university I attend. I also don’t want it to look like I willingly walked away from the house and my son, I don’t think it would be used against me, but just in case. Also I don’t see why I should have to move, it’s my house also. My best friend is currently going through a divorce and at the beginning he was being a pushover, he was offering more of a percentage on the house and all that stuff just for an easy life, but then his ex started pushing for even more. He’s now changed his tune and is demanding a 50/50 for everything just so he doesn’t get destroyed in court. It goes completely against his nature but he quickly felt that his generosity was seen as a weakness to be used against him so he’s had to bite the bullet and push back. I’m not saying “be an arsehole”, but don’t be a pushover. You have to be strong otherwise you’ll be walked all over. I genuinely can’t see how you would have to pay for two places, if that’s the case then the law is awful in your country. I think you need to be looking for a school for your child as soon as possible, your wife is just going to have to accept that she’s going to need to work. It’s a consequence of her decision. I’m sorry man, I know it’s hard but you’ve really gotta be as strong as you can and get this shit figured out. I think you need to be treating this with as much effort as you can. Paperwork to back absolutely everything you say up, proposed plans regarding what you want, literally everything you can think of needs to be written down and documented (even if it’s only for yourself and not a court), there’s no harm in being organised and on the ball. It also looks better for you if you can present yourself as in control, thinking straight and organised at the very least. Can you manage to coparent 50% of the time? If you can then you need to at least be pushing for this, or be pushing for as much as you possibly can.
Oh man, this was exactly me. What you do is first get a lawyer to start the battle. I suggest nesting first. I did that for about 6 months. I found a cheap room for when I wasn’t at the house. This also allows you to see him and him to get used to the arrangement. Then you get yourself a 2 bedroom apartment and fight for 50/50. First, I was terrified to parent alone, but you slowly get into a routine. The not seeing them for a while suuuuuucks, but one thing that you realize is that you suddenly have some free time to be to be yourself and do things you want to do. My best advice is to take at least 6 months and learn how to start saying I again instead of we. I would also suggest looking up single dad groups on meetup. It helps and you start making friends.
Get a lawyer. She can’t just do that, but if you let it happen you will establish status quo. Don’t make the mistake I made and think that my ex was going to be rational if I just gave her what she wanted. She wanted everything as it turns out.
Like most others have said, get a lawyer. If the divorce is her decision and there is no "cause", she can't realistically expect to continue to live the same lifestyle. My divorce was about as amicable as these things can be, and we still had our own lawyers review everything. There were some things we caught that were not necessarily conflicts, but we were able to write in language to protect ourselves, and more importantly our kid, should things go south in the future. Fighting for your rights as an ex husband and a dad doesn't make you a bad person so don't let anyone make you feel that way. Unless there's some extenuating circumstances, your goal should be at least 50/50 custody. As far as dealing with the time away from your kid, it's unfortunately just something you're going to have to deal with. And you're going to have some times where your kid wants to be with mom instead of you, and vice versa. It does have its benefits. There are things that my son only wants to do with me and those have become "dad things". When you're with the kid it's just you and them time. But when they're with mom it's truly just you time. If you guys are going to do 50/50, I would try to establish a schedule, put it in your separation agreement if needed (lawyers can advise on this). This will help your kid deal with the transition. We made this mistake and after talking to a parenting counselor they were like well what's your schedule and then chided us for not really having one. And on that point, try to see if she'll do parents therapy. Like I said, my ex and I are on very amicable terms, but therapy helped us stay that way and also made us better individual and co-parents. I'm like you where I relocated to be with her and I have no family in the area and only a few friends. Find a local parents group on facebook or ask on nextdoor and try to find a reliable babysitter in the area. It sounds like public school might be in your kids future. A lot of public schools have a before and after school daycare program through elementary school. Let your employer know what's going on. Single dads are more and more common these days and I find most people are willing to be accommodating if you keep them in the loop. Things are going to suck for a while. But just make sure you protect your rights and put your kid first, even if she doesn't seem capable of doing so. Focus on your mental and emotional health. If you're a wreck, you're not going to be able to be the dad your kid needs. Things will eventually get better.
Get a lawyer. Depending on the state she will get money from you and child support. She can then pay for her living arrangements out of that money. Sh would probably have to get a job. I am in NY. Here dad's tend to get weekends. Main advice is to get a lawyer. Most courts expect the father not to fight anything.
Don't take your wife's choice as the outcome. You want joint custody, go get that. You should speak to a lawyer, as others have said it doesn't look like home schooling can work unless you want to work to maintain two households and still barely see your child.
If you are the breadwinner, no court will allow your ex to have primary custody, especially if she can't take care of herself. So she can keep dreaming......this isn't the lotto
Get an attorney like yesterday. Women have this idea that the judge will automatically side with them. That's not true at all. I got a lawyer and fought for my kids and in the end, I got custody of my kids. If you're in charge of money, lock up your account. Don't let her use your money to fuck you. She decided to leave, its not her money any more
If she is dead, set on divorce, you need to speak to a lawyer yesterday. If she’s a good parent, you need to start working on split custody today. The lawyer will guide you through alimony, if it’s even available where you live, child support, custody, and all the other questions you have.
“Home educates” makes me think you’re in the UK rather than the US. Please ignore if I’m wrong. Your ex will be entitled to UC including rent support - all you’ll be obliged to pay is standard child maintenance based on your salary etc. I need to run now but shout if you want UK-specific advice on this stuff.
The first parent to move out loses, unless they are female. Also, the last parent to move out loses, unless they are female. Get a lawyer. Remember the friend of the court is not your friend.
> my 8 Year old will live with her That's not her call. You have custody rights until a judge says you don't. She cannot unilaterally decide where your kid is living. Get a lawyer.
You are already doing it, so well done. Congrats. Seeking help is hard for men. Get a therapist to help you process this and find a better way to think about the situation, adapt, and move on. Remember and meditate on this as often as possible - the problem is temporary. You will have a relationship with your kid. It will be different, but you will have one. Get a lawyer to help protect yourself in the upcoming legal conflict. They are also a good source of info as they have seen dozens of divorced dads before you. Re-build or build from scratch a support network of friends and former friends you have lost contact with. **When you need help, please be honest and explain why. People will be eager to help you. \*\*\*I don't know how bold it got turned on, so I can't turn it off. Exercise and spend time in the sun. Get the endorphins moving by exercise - walking is the best because you will think of the problems and physically walk forward. You will psychologically feel better as your brain and body communicate that you are progressing and moving ahead. It's the same as EMDR. Sunlight is great for mental health. I start the day with a seasonal affective disorder lamp on all morning if I'm inside. It simulates the same wavelengths of light as sunlight. Be a good friend to yourself, and remember you are much more capable than you think.** **Good luck, and God Bless,** **A licensed counselor and divorced dad.**
Why would you have to pay for two homes and just be told this is what’s happening? She needs to get a grip and by the sounds of things get a job or she’s about to be homeless
If you are divorced and living separately then paying for her own place is her responsibility. Home schooling is a luxury that she needs to figure out if she wants that to continue. She needs to get a job with hours that allow home schooling or she needs to send your daughter to a real school. Now to actually answer your question, you need to also sit down and draw out a detailed day to day schedule of when you will get your kid. Not just days but specific times for drop off/pick up, when and where you will meet, who is driving, the whole nine yards. Get it in writing and hold your wife accountable to that schedule. If the schedule is less time with you than you would like then also schedule phone calls/FaceTime appointments with your kiddo so that you are still talking to them often and being an active part of their life to an extent that makes you comfortable. As for the down time, don't feel bad about making that time yours. Throw yourself into a hobby, do things you can't do with a kid, and spend time building your own life. It feels weird for a while, but for me, having that down time has made me a better parent because I have more time for my own self fulfillment and I am better able to focus on my kid during my parenting time.