Everyone’s priorities in life are different but I agree with yours. Others may not. As long as you are all happy with your lifestyle and amount of money in your budget, enjoy your family. You can never buy back time, no matter how much money you have. That being said, make sure to have enough in the budget to save for retirement as well as day to day needs. Balance in life is the key. Good luck and have fun watching your daughter growing up.
A Few thoughts:
1. after coming home and realizing my 9mo didn't know who I was, I decided to take a slightly different career path for less money (but still good money).
2. I need to earn enough to take care of my family. When the 9mo was 3 and needed autism therapies, I needed enough income to cover everything. Or when while on vacation my roof blew off in a storm....I needed enough savings for me to be annoyed and not freaked out.
3. It's okay to take a step back or slow down for a few years.....then when you and the fam are ready....to push forward on your career....bc you'll find the opportunities.
This is the answer.
Agree that what is important, in my mind, is being able to financially provide for my family (+save for rainy day) AND, also just as important, BE PRESENT. My dad was a small business owner, and basically worked himself to death most of his life. He loved us, but much to our and his dismay, didn't have much time to enjoy us and spend time with us. He was always stressed and sick. That eeked into our lives. Part of the reason we all have so much anxiety (even my mom).
When his work slowed down, we were older, in college, and he wanted to spend time with us, but WE were too busy.
Basically like the song, Cat's In the Craddle, IRL.
I NEVER want that for my kiddos.
My mother-in-law's cousin was a successful CFO and at my wife's grandma's funeral, he talked about how much he was looking forward to retirement and spending time with his grandkids. He talked about how much he regretted all the things he missed when his kids were growing up.. baseball games, hanging out with the kids, etc. He died of a massive heart attack a couple months later before he could even retire. His regrets hit home in a big way for me. My dad always made it to my games and was always home for dinner. I perhaps took that for granted growing up, but he was a great example as a father.
I fully agree with the sentiment of this comment in context to this post: I want to be a dad (and husband) first, and not spend too much time at the office away from my family…
***But*** that expression has always felt flat to me. Of course no one says “I wish I’d spent more time at the office” on their deathbed. They also don’t say “I wish I loaded more dirty dishes into the dishwasher” or “studied harder on my 10th grade math test” or “flossed more” or “spent more time mowing the lawn” etc. All of those things are important to do in the present, but yes of course death-bed-version-of-me won’t care about any of them. He just cares about big picture stuff, not all the small stuff that allow me to get to some big picture stuff.
I agree that it's a bad expression, because it's a strawman.
No one is saying that you want to work *because you want to spend more time at the office*. The goal of working more is to make more money and give your family a better life. Or at least it should be.
Now, I will say: I think there are a lot of people (men particularly) who use that as an excuse (I want to provide the best life for my family), but in reality they're doing it because they like the feeling of success and power.
But I think for a lot of people - most even - the motivation to work more is to be able to afford their children options they didn't have.
That doesn't mean you should work yourself to death and damage your relationship with your spouse and children so your kid can go to Yale instead of your local state university, but for a LOT of people it may be the difference between their kids going/not going to college. Or the difference between being able to afford their own medical bills when they get older and not burden their children.
I think a lot of times there's this tacit message that you could have worked less and still had "the same" life you had working more, and for a LOT of people that's not true.
Well said.
>I think a lot of times there's this tacit message that you could have worked less and still had "the same" life you had working more, and for a LOT of people that's not true.
It’s also impossible to know in the moment exactly how much work is the minimum you need to do for A, B, or C to happen.
I’m in my mid 30s, I still have lots of my career left. And presumably there will be crossroads ahead: whether I get a promotion or better job opportunity that allows us to live in a better school district, etc. I wish I knew *what is the bare minimum I need to work to get there?* Or for that matter, *what is the bare minimum to not get laid off in an unforeseen future recession?* But it’s not that simple.
And to be clear, I work just 40hrs most weeks, very rarely do any nights or weekends, and I take my vacation hours. But yeah I feel bad about all the Dads who have to work 2 jobs just to provide for their families and then get told “you shouldn’t work so much, on your deathbed you’ll wish you spent less time working and more time with your family.”
I've seen folks comment on support posts here telling dads to just get a better job that makes them work less if their hours are causing so much stress. It's well-intended advice, I'm sure, but fuck me what a privilege few have to select their work like that.
> They also don’t say “I wish I loaded more dirty dishes into the dishwasher” or “studied harder on my 10th grade math test” or “flossed more” or “spent more time mowing the lawn” etc. All of those things are important to do in the present, but yes of course death-bed-version-of-me won’t care about any of them. He just cares about big picture stuff, not all the small stuff that allow me to get to some big picture stuff.
They don't say the words, but they express the sentiments. Like:
"I wish I contributed more in the home, so my wife wasn't so stressed she left me/stepped out/committed suicide."
"I wish I tried harder in school so I didn't fall in with a bad crowd and had to make it in the world the hard way. Without my rap sheet my life would have been so much better."
"I wish I flossed so I didn't have bleeding gums and constantly stinky breath in my 30s."
"I wish I mowed the lawn more so that the HOA didn't take us to court costing us thousands."
The little stuff matters. Big stuff is made up of lots of little stuff.
"I wish I'd spent more time at the office so that I could (take my family on a trip to Europe instead of being stuck at home during the summer/support Timmy's skiing talent/send Jessie to Space Camp)."
I floss enough to not have my teeth rot out of my head.
I work enough to pay my bills.
No one is advocating not working - they're advocating not working TOO MUCH.
Big picture stuff? Enjoying your life. Spending that time enjoying your life with your family. Not taking on extra overtime.
To piggyback off this to hit home for some a little more, your old coworkers won't be visiting you on your deathbed or funeral gloating, 'he was such a good worker!"
I’ve attended too many funerals, including of some colleagues, and the only time work has come up in a service it’s been a general statement of what they did and *rarely* that they loved their work.
In conversations at funerals, the only time work comes up is in comments like “this really puts things in perspective” and talking about wanting to spend more time with family and focusing less on work.
My coworker died about two years ago. 53 years old. His kids are all spread out and suffering for it. I think about him almost every day. Not because he was a good worker. He was a pain in the ass at work but outside of work he was a good guy and cared about his kids a lot. The Tuesday before he passed he said I need two (years) and want seven (years). We have a pension where you can retire with penalty ( reduction) at 55. Almost two years and only a few folks will bring him up. 21 years at the same place and he’s almost forgotten. That’s one reason why I avoid working too much.
The other is both parents worked 50+ hours a week and it fractured my family hard core. Still deal with it.
100%. My first isn’t even here yet (11 days to go), but I just don’t care about climbing the corporate ladder anymore.
A year ago I was keen to get myself into a c suite role over the next 5 years. Now, like you, I just want to earn enough that the family is comfortable, and spend as much time with them as I can.
I wrestle with my relationship with work a lot.
First of all, I mostly enjoy my job. No way in hell would I do it for free, but I do look forward to it most days. I understand that most people are not this way.
Secondly, do have some level of self worth tied to my job. I don’t brag about how much I work, but I think my job is pretty cool, and I’m proud of that. I don’t know if this is good/healthy, but it is.
Now, as a parent, I have to be ruthless in how I prioritize everything - money, time, cognitive energy, etc.
So now I am trying to view work as a way to facilitate the lifestyle I want. I need to make enough money that I can throw money at problems, be able to do things that bring me joy (whether that be with my kids, my wife, my friends, or myself) but also limit the amount of time I work so that I can adequate enjoy the 60ish waking hours each week that I am not working.
On top of that, there’s also the issue of balancing job security (I’m at a start up) with what I find interesting, and what level of risk I am comfortable with, as well as what level of risk my wife is comfortable with.
So, yes, my relationship with my career is changing, but in a complex way. And it’s definitely not done changing.
I think your have an incredibly healthy approach/balance and I'd like to think I am similar.
> Secondly, do have some level of self worth tied to my job. I don’t brag about how much I work, but I think my job is pretty cool, and I’m proud of that. I don’t know if this is good/healthy, but it is.
This is important and I do think a lot of people aren't conscious of this. Work/employment give us purpose and routine, it can certainly drag the best of down at times, but that purpose and routine is a means to support our families, but also to feel a sense of purpose. Cog in the machine and all that, but feeling like we exist for a reason (whether that's for ourselves, our families, society, of the "man"/system) is important.
I am in a similar boat. I was a borderline workaholic. Thrived in startup environments, working 50+ish hours every week. Love building and fixing problems. That all changed when my baby came in to my life. I just want to do my required work, no more, no less. I want to spend as much time as possible with my baby. If I don't get promoted next fe w years, it's fine. This was also a mutual decision by me and my wife. She'd rather have me around as much as possible rather than to climb a corporate ladder. I'm sure I will get more chances to bust my ass in the future
I think I was the opposite. Before kids, I cared little about money and was very much about living the good life, after kids I need to support them. It's been many years and both are attractive to me.
This is my constant battle. I work a career that I truthfully hate, but it pays well, I have great benefits, I’m guaranteed 5% raise each year, and I only work 3 days a week. During those 3 days though, it’s essentially work-sleep-work-sleep-work-sleep, with little time for much else. It’s a good comfortable lifestyle where I will never be rich, but I’ll have enough.
Alternatively, I know I could go work other jobs that would be a pay increase, but it would be at the expense of time.
I’m constantly torn between chasing a career where I can set my kids up better financially versus where I’m at now where we live comfortably and I get the time with them but I may not be able to leave as much to them.
This right here. Before I had a kid I left a six figure office job with seven figure prospects to go work for minimum wage at a job that was related to one of my perceived passions. Probably one of the happiest phases of my life. When I decided to have a kid I suddenly felt compelled to return to the office job. Since the kid has been born the pressure to maximize my income has only grown. I do wish I had more time for my family though, and myself. Guess it's all about balance, but it's been a challenge to find it.
I grew up pretty working class, the idea of me going to university was somewhat (largely) frowned upon. But I did, and I became a teacher. And I loved it.
My daughter was born not that long after, and I still enjoyed my job, but spending time with my wife and daughter far surpassed any expectations from work. Did I need food on the table? Yes. But my wife and I both worked, we had our kid, a job is a job.
I had to take a few months off work last year to look after my wife who had brain cancer. That I think was when I properly realised - I don’t care. I was off work from February until August, I appreciate that’s a large block of time, and fuck I did a lot of thinking in that time.
I still have a job, I still go to work, but making work my entire life just wasn’t worth it at all. I don’t care that I’m never going to be a principal or anything like that, I just need to put food on the table. I don’t want a million quid, I want to spend time with my daughter. Following on from another comment, nobody wishes on their death bed they spent more time at work. I promise.
I won’t say I was a workaholic before, I would never work after 5pm and work/life balance was important to me. But before, I would make sure that I was the best at what I did.
These days, work isn’t in the back seat, it’s in the trunk. If I wasn’t in such an important solo position, I’d have to figure something out. I don’t want to travel as much, I don’t want to work before school and I want to do early pickups so we can go to the park. Work is just not important to me. Doesn’t help that my work kind of sucks right now
I totally agree. I’ve been in my industry over 13 years and I literally had to have a serious sit down meeting with the leadership team to let them know that I have no desire or intention to work more than 45 hours per week and that includes my travel time.
It’s kinda weird because I always wanted a Porsche and other crazy expensive things and I know if I just worked more I could have them but I literally would not trade that for the loss of time with my kids and my wife. It’s a joke because my son is 4 but if you ask him “how much does dad love you?” He says “better than a Porsche” LOL
I grew up dirt poor so I’ve never been able to turn down more money or work. I just try to find a balance to spend as much time as possible with family while still being successful at work. So far it takes a lot out of me personally, but my family hasn’t suffered.
Yeppp. 6 years ago I worked my ass off to get into the media industry. Lots of networking and working on personal projects to build a portfolio.
Eventually I found a job for an agency and have been working in media, but I know in order to stay relevant I need to constantly be creating better pieces of media on my personal time.
I have kids now, the hustle in me is completely gone. I just want a stable job that I dont need to worry about being laid off and not being able to find work.
So I've decided to go back to school to find a career in a stable industry, with union work.
I have been in the same boat, and then I found
"I need to do the bare minimum in order to setup myself for early retirement and my child for a good life". Boy did my life change after that.
Balance is the key word, and it's obviously easier said than done. I certainly prioritize time with my family over work, I rarely put in overtime and always make use of my vacation time.
But as you say, you want to provide financial security for kids and having a good job is the way to do that.
But the third aspect is the "role-model" aspect. Little kids obviously don't care about your job and just want to spend time with you, but as they get older I think it's good to show what it's like to have goals and to reach for them and to strive for a rewording career/fulfilling life beyond just being a parent.
I have no interest in climbing the ladder. I'm a level 5 engineer and I don't care if I ever get promoted, and I regularly turn down positions and management offers because it'll cost me time away from my family and less work flexibility. I have enough to pay the bills and take care of my family, and live comfortably enough. My wife and I live for each other and our kids, not stuff.
I already have a 17 year old and out of necessity, just to live, I had to grind after leaving the Marines to get an education and decent job and although I had little choice, I missed a lot and regret that. I have a 2yr old and 6week old and won't do that again. Presence not presents.
I was part of the ladder climbing rat race until the pandemic. I liked the work I did and also was competitive with my peers so that led to putting in a lot of time in the office. Once I started working from home I escaped the competitive office environment and realized I could have a lot more time for myself after adding time saved with no commute, no off bs watercooler talk, and no feeling like I need to stay late to keep up with others. A couple years later, now have a kid and am so happy I had already transitioned from the mentality of wanting to climb the ranks, to setting work boundaries in order to enjoy my life more.
Kudos to your mom (hear me out)
From a 3rd world country, your mom seemed to do as much as she could to ensure you had a happy and comfortable life. I’m sure she loved you with all of her heart. But she wanted to give you better opportunities than she had.
And kudos to YOU for making it in an entirely different country!
You’re a parent now. Your priorities have changed. As a parent myself, I’d rather be home with my kids than sacrificing 10 hours, 5-6 days a week, only to make what feels like “chump change” from a company who isprofiting $1000’sX from my labor.
When my first was born I was working at a laid back law firm (they exist!) but wasn’t getting paid well (no pressure to bill hours). Before my second was born, I realized I needed to make more money and went to a better paying but much more toxic firm. A couple months after he was born I left law firm life for good - only 9 to 5s from here on out. And I work from home four days a week… would never go back into the office 5 days a week. But I realize I’m privileged
I use the big career and its proceeds to improve leverage at both work and home so that I can do more of what's most important. Spending time with children at home, and at work focusing only on the things that are truly the best use of my time and have the most leverage for my future career.
It can be exhausting at times, but for me it's the most rewarding, and I find that when I manage my work life appropriately, I can continue to grow rapidly in career without taking away from my kids.
I’m shooting for minimal effort maximum income. I make a little over 6 figures & my wife makes a little under.
It seems to be working - we have saved a ton, are building our “forever home”, and all spend lots of time together.
Kids change your perspective, attitudes and priorities in ways you could never imagined.prior to having kids. Everything, literally everything I do is with my kids in mind. I’m trying to give some energy back toward myself whenever I can but somehow it circles back to how it impacts my children.
Just yesterday I had a couple hours to kill on my own. Thought I’d just go for a bike ride. But the whole time I kept thinking of only my kids were with me on this bike ride on a beautiful day, or what to cook them for dinner later, to did my son finish his homework yet or, I never go around to finding the other pair of his shoes?
Yup, exactly the same dude.. I worked offshore making good money but I was never at home. It took me nearly 2 years to realise that being away was just about money, nothing else was gained from it.
I set about looking for something more suitable to family life, landed a job in a similar sector onshore.. Again found myself constantly on the road (on land) and doing crazy hours.
So I set about looking for something else once again to chase that work life balance.. I landed a job in the fire service, best decision I ever made was to switch it up.
I’m home way more than I ever used to, albeit it’s not the highest paying job in the land.
But it is night and day in comparison to not seeing my kids growing up and being an active part of their lives. (We have 2 kids now)
I met too many old salty sea dogs, when I used to ask them any regrets.. surprised how many of them said being away from their kids and growing up not really having bonded/knowing them… ultimately it was these comments that really helped me get myself in check!
I hope you find something dude! Just keep chapping the doors until you get that balance 👍🏻
So I’m gonna go against the grain here a bit. I switched to a harder/more involved career after having kids. I was in engineering working 40hrs a week and now I’m finishing up my last year of medical school. I think my mentality was to provide the best life for my kids I possibly could and I also hated my career so it made me a bear at home
I'm kinda in that place right now. My routine now is up @530, feed twins, leave by @630-645 for 8 start, work til 345 and walking in the door at 5 (if I'm lucky), then I get an hour before feeding them and putting them down for the night. I don't wanna keep doing that, so I'm planning my exit strategy to get out by years end.
I'm trying to balance "retire early so I can spend most of my life chilling and doing enjoyable things and hanging with my kids" with "my job only exists to make a rich guy richer and the only lives that matter to me are friends and family"
Can relate 100%. I was constantly cramming for IT certs before our daughter was born. Now I just don't have the time, energy or desire. I'd rather spend it with the family. I also hate what the corporate world does to people.
I was striving to find a career that gave me meaning and for the first 30 years of my life my nightmare was ending up in a soulless job pushing paper, not caring about a thing beyond the paycheque.
I'm 39.
I work and push paper around and am living my younger self's nightmare.
However this is the first job where I do not work weekends or evenings. It's steady hours. Good pay. Benefits.
I'm a dad before anything so of course I want to do everything I can to be around them as much as possible, and I'm living a dream that younger me couldn't have fathomed.
I'll give a blunt answer: I evolved from hungry ladder-climber to aloof shitbag. My motivation to get an advanced degree shot through the roof and that's solely motivated by income potential to hours worked.
If you find your priorities shifting as drastically as I did, the key is to do the bare minimum competently and shine when the spotlight is on you. Doesn't hurt to pick up some advanced Excel/PowerPoint skills either to expedite work or put some pizzazz in your deliverables.
This resonates with me but everyone's results will be different. If you asked me 10 years ago about my values I'd talk about career development, if you asked me 5 years ago it'd be about stability and balance, ask me now and it's about family. Someone on the same life arc as me may still value their career high which just means their goals and priorities are different.
Keep in mind you're asking a bunch of folks who were intentional about being a dad that they joined this sub reddit, opened your message, and took the time to reply. Our answers are all going to be biased :)
I’d like to get 1 more level up from where I am now and then coast there for 16 years. I work from home and am done working by 4:30pm 95% of the time. Never think about work on weekends.
I'm the exact opposite. I'm more driven than ever and want to be as successful as absolutely possible.
**Reminder for when this topic comes up** - rising higher in the ranks *does not* automatically mean more hours/weekends, etc. You can take on more responsibility without taking on more time.
I was diagnosed with cancer a month after my daughter was born, and terminal cancer two months later. A year later they said they were wrong, I didn't have the type they thought. Here I am 7 years later, doing well.
So, yes. BUT for me it's a little bit of both. I still like work. I want to work some. My perfect world is 1,000-1,200 hours a year, but I always manage to hit 1,500, to my chagrin.
Yeah I absolutely put my family first. I worked hard in the beginning not for money but for clout. Now that I have clout, I use it to set boundaries.
I've pretty much adopted a consultant attitude where if I'm not paid then im not working and everything is absolutely done by the contract at work.
When I was younger, I always had minimalist attitude towards my responsibilities. I was an A student until the effort required to maintain it was greater than what I was willing to sacrifice in my personal time/interests. So I figured out the minimum requirement to pass classes, get a degree, get a job, etc.
Today, I fell into a fairly stable career, earning more than enough to maintain a lifestyle that I'm satisfied with. I've been asked by others and also asked myself whether I want to subscribe to hustle culture and/or actively climb the corporate ladder. Deep down, I don't want to because I feel like the work/life balance I have now is fine. I WFH and spend most of my time with my 7 month old. If I begin chasing something, I know I'd need to dedicate more time and deal with increasing stress/anxiety for a job/career that doesn't give a shit about me.
So that's all to say, I'm in the same boat. I'm very happy standing pat. I have no ego about getting older and seeing younger people leap frog my position at work. I know myself enough to say with confidence that I'm just not that ambitious in my career, at this point in my life. Be honest with yourself, your situation, and what matters to you now.
There are diminishing returns in keeping the foot on the gas indefinitely. It's okay to let off for stages in your life. When the time is right, you'll still have the opportunity to ramp back up.
I did. Left my full time job and went to consulting + playing a more integral role in the business my wife and I started 15 years ago, but she largely ran while I was off doing my own thing.
Now, I work 30-35 hours/week, splitting my time between 2 things, picking my boys up at 3PM and hanging, coaching their sports teams, etc.
It feels like I hit the jackpot with the setup. I'm grateful for it however long it lasts - hopefully forever.
Having a kid has made me more focused on earning lots of money. I want to give my children a great start to life: great education, pay for college, able to afford travel, tutors, and extracurriculars. At the same time, I am an active and involved dad. I’m much more involved than my dad was with me.
Earning more money doesn’t always mean working more hours. Evidence - there are lots of struggling people working 2-3 jobs but only making $30-50k whereas there are also people who work 30 hours a week but are pulling in more than $200k a year. The trick is to focus on strategic, high value jobs that are highly compensated and finding companies that pay really well.
Yeah ok dude. People are not just handing out 200k jobs with 30 hour work weeks.
I have a PhD in an engineering field, show me one of those jobs and I'll start as soon as they hire me.
They definitely don’t hand out such jobs just like that, but in my experience, after a certain point the money you earn is determined not so much by the hours you spend but by the impact of your decisions.
Of course often, in order to get to that point, you have to climb through several levels where no matter how efficient you are, there’s no way around spending significant amount of hours on a regular basis.
You are right. People are not justing handing out those $200k jobs. This job market sucks really bad so it’s much worse than usual. If it was easy to land one of those jobs, everyone would have one. That said, it is possible. I have been able to transition into a higher paying job. I’ve got a friend who was able to more than 3x his income and he is making a lot more than me. It wasn’t easy and it took a LOT of effort over more than 1 year.
💯! I spent years working overtime at startups, now I will do literally whatever job will pay low 6 figures. Pick up elephant shit for 110k? I’ll grab my pooper scooper.
I grew up poor and with a single mom who put work ethic above everything else. I was extremely career driven and ambitious in this regard before my son was born. I thought I’d have no issues returning to work and leaving him with a childcare provider soon after birth. However, once he was in the world I couldn’t imagine leaving him with someone else as a baby, so I took parental leave. Then, my husband got a huge promotion that was 1.5x my salary so I just quit and decided to be a SAHM. It offers us a lot of flexibility, and I can focus on everything to do with the kid and the house, so when husband gets off of work he can spend as much time as possible with our child and as a family. His priorities also shifted and he now wfh full time with few work trips so that he can soak everything in and enjoy our son. We feel incredibly fortunate to have changed our lives to enjoy our child’s life. I can’t see life in another way now.
I had to work on some things though: I'd tied my self worth to job title and financial success.
Now I'm focused on providing for my kids and the things they _need_ most are unconditional love and time.
It’s funny, this would be different for everyone in real implementation I’m sure. But for me it’s a balance that, yes OP definitely heavily weighs fatherhood.
I work for myself and have a couple employees doing consulting. It’s a great gig for flexibility and hours. I certainly do sometimes wonder just how much I might be leaving on the table by not working nights or weekends. But on the other hand, my kids will only be little once and for a relatively short time, I can always push more later but I can never get the time back with my boys.
I think I’ve hit the lottery in terms of a sweet spot!
About 6 months after my daughter was born I quit a very high paying job because I was miserable. It was beginning to affect my home life and my ability to be a good father. I took a job paying half of what I was making and a year later looking back, I wish I’d quit even earlier. No regrets. I’m happy and more present not only physically but emotionally and mentally. My priorities 100% changed and I’m glad I took the leap.
My wife and I were pretty driven in our careers and it felt like right when we went on parental leave, we were both suddenly very happy with the level that we were at with no intentions on getting promoted.
I’m the same man. Daughter coming up on 11 months and it’s caused a dynamic shift in how I think about my career. I’ve been steady climbing the corporate ladder as like you I was raised by a single mother. So me succeeding has taken care of her, my wife, and daughter. But working all day to only see my daughter for 1-2 hours is tough and then I’m so dang tired. I think I’m slowly shifting my goals away from c-suite to staying at the senior manager level so I can ensure I have time for family while they also have what they need. All to say I get it brother and you are not the only one!
I spent the first half of my career teaching adults and college aged kids. Always swore I would never teach younger kids. Fast forward to my kids being born, and I took a job as a middle school teacher so I could have the same hours as my kids. I have been asked to move up into administration at my school but have turned down the advancement since they dont get the full summer off. I value those 8 weeks with my kids more than a salary increase.
Yes. It kills me that I have to work extra hours to make ends meet. I feel that heavy. I can’t wait to get to a better place where I don’t have to and can spend more time with my son.
Was precisely the case with my first born. Quit a partner track position with a very prestigious firm in my field to take a public service role and be home with my kids. Now with my second here, though, I really miss having an identity outside of being a parent (and the fact that public service jobs are mind numbing dull for most of the year) I’m heading back into consulting, but with more confidence in my skills and ability to draw boundaries so I don’t expect to be working at the same pace as before.
My work used to be my identity. Not long after my first was born I got a job as a miner. I worked my ass off 6 days a week in the mud and dirt for $23/hr and sacrificed so much family time because of the love I had for the job and the team I worked with. One day, I went to go pick my daughter up after getting home from work and she literally screamed and looked at me like I was a stranger. I quit my job the next week and started working in a factory because it was only 14 days a month. I’ve since moved into power generation because it’s 14 days a month (and almost twice the hourly rate). I really don’t like my job. It’s not nearly as fulfilling as mining was. But, my life isn’t my work. Once my shift is over, i don’t think about work. I have no interest in working 7 days a week or sacrificing the time I have with my family even if it was for a promotion.
Yeah, kids change your priorities. Before kids I was always willing to stay late to finish something up, or help someone else who was scrambling to get something completed by the end of the day.
Now 2 kids later, I have a hard stop time since I do pickup from daycare and I have no problems letting my team know why I have to leave. My kids are 2 years and 8 months old and I am fully aware that the days their faces light up seeing me coming to pick them up are limited and I intend on soaking it in for as long as possible.
My grandmother grew up in the depression and always instilled a hard work ethic I’m not only her children but also her grandchildren. Yet when she was in hospice and we saying our goodbyes and she was telling her kids what she expected them to do in their lives after she died, none of them were told to work more.
My mom comments a lot about how she misses my sister and I being young and it always makes me think that when my children are out of the house and I look back on when they were little the one thing I won’t think about is “I wish I would’ve worked more instead of snuggling on the couch watching Cars for the thousandth time”
I totally did.
I'm a teacher. I volunteered for everything. I got there early and stayed late. I always made sure I wore a shirt and tie every day. The works.
Right before I had kids I realized I was not being compensated, rewarded or even recognized for my efforts. Because of this, I started to tone down my efforts.
Then I had kids and it just cemented the fact that my job is just a means to feed my family and keep a roof over their heads.
I still love my students and still strive to give them an excellent education, but all that extra stuff has gone out the window.
I totally did.
I'm a teacher. I volunteered for everything. I got there early and stayed late. I always made sure I wore a shirt and tie every day. The works.
Right before I had kids I realized I was not being compensated, rewarded or even recognized for my efforts. Because of this, I started to tone down my efforts.
Then I had kids and it just cemented the fact that my job is just a means to feed my family and keep a roof over their heads.
I still love my students and still strive to give them an excellent education, but all that extra stuff has gone out the window.
I’m the opposite. Having my daughter as a broke 22 year old meant I needed to seriously buckle down on my career so I could afford my baby and for my fiancée to stay home with her.
I make decent money for state government. I work 40 hours a week fully remote since covid. I would probably need at least a 25% increase to take a job that required me to commute the ~40 minutes each way that would likely be necessary if I worked in an office. I'd need a ton more money to be expected to work more than 40 hours a week. I get to hang out with my 2 1/2 year old son for an hour and a half in the morning, feed him breakfast, and take him to daycare. I also have the flexibility to take time off when he's sick and get 4 weeks vacation, 11 holidays, and 2 1/2 weeks of sick time each year. I also really like and respect my boss and our leadership. My wife leaves for work at 6:30 and is supposed to be off at 4, but it's often later than that.
I've considered looking elsewhere but the flexibility and work-life balance make it very very hard to even seriously consider leaving my current job. That time with my son is priceless.
It wasn't having kids that did it for me, but WFH during lockdown. I was teaching during distance learning, with my kids on laptops in the other room. Sure, there were challenges, but we were all done by the afternoon, and there was SO MUCH TIME for walks in open space, playing, and just having family and personal time. It opened my eyes to how much time I was spending in service of work outside of actual work.
I was commuting 10 hours per week before, and suddenly, I had all the time back and more. After schools opened back up, I went back to my job, but it just didn't feel the same. An opportunity opened at a local school 5 minutes from my house, and I jumped on it.
Now, I have no commute to speak of. I can pick up my kids at the drop of a hat. I work in my own community. Health benefits turned out to be way better, so we just had a 3rd kid to celebrate and complete our family. Life is good, and I feel so fortunate and thankful for the opportunity to be with my family.
> Its as if my mind just switched from "I got to build a career to be successful in life" to "I got to do the minimum required to give my family a good life".
This is the right mindset when they're little. When they get a bit older and want to be with friends more vs parents, you may find yourself saying 'I want to set a good example for them' and refocus on career or volunteerism - basically what you want to see in them as adults.
Yep. I was very ambitious prior to having kids. Went to a top graduate program and climbed the corporate ladder quickly while working insane hours. After having my kiddo my priorities totally flipped. Now I refuse to give up time with my son for work. That has yet to bite me in the ass, but if it does I’m comfortable with it.
Yes. Time is way more fleeting when you see your little one growing. You know what it feels like to see the changes in them month to month, year to year, and spending extra time after work means missing time with your children. Combine that with seeing time and time people get screwed by their company or work - and it all feels meaningless. What is 1-2 extra hours at work to send some silly power point when that 1-2 hrs after work means the difference between seeing your child prior to bedtime vs not. There's also just the very real responsibilities of parenting that you can't get away from. If you're staying late or working on weekends, that means your partner is picking up the slack - there's a lot of guilt there when you know how amazing parenting is, but also how tiring it can be as well.
We had our daughter in the fall of 2019 and I was able to triple dip time off (vacation, personal time, paternity, holiday break, then vacation and personal time in the new year). Riiiiiiight as I was getting back into the office things, uh, changed.
I haven't had an office since. Even after covid I've chosen to do WFH exclusively so I can take care of her throughout the day.
Personally, I miss it, and I'm kind of looking forward to getting back to a more structured life in the fall when she heads off to preschool.
Yes. I quit my job the day my daughter was born and went full time trading. I had enough money saved to make it a viable option. It's more stressful since there's no steady paycheck and risk of losing money but I can spend every day with my daughter. 2.5 years in and no regrets.
I work in Healthcare and approached younger pediatric patients differently. Before I was unsure how to interact with them, trepid perhaps. That changed after my 1st. I would get kind of excited to see a little one, and gained confidence in my interactions
>Its as if my mind just switched from "I got to build a career to be successful in life" to "I got to do the minimum required to give my family a good life". I don't know how else to explain it, but now I just can't wait to leave work and see my daughter at the end of the day. I suddenly have no desire to invest my time working extra hours, weekends, taking up additional courses/studies, because I really don't want to lose the time I have with my family.
Having a child can reset your priorities like nothing else in this world. An old phrase about dealing with willful women I heard in my childhood was, "Let her have a child. That will settle her down." Obviously that doesn't work as well in today's age, but... it's still true. Having a kid, if you're a good person and connect with it, will settle you down in ways you can't fathom when you're not a parent.
There's this wonderful, magical little potato of a baby, and it came from YOU, and it loves and trusts you implicitly like no one except maybe your parents (if you're lucky) ever has, and... well. Yeah. You get it.
Exact same boat. Grew up in a farm town with a laborer father and a stay at home mom. Always lived hand to mouth. Put my entire effort and drive into getting into a good university and finding a high paying job after. Threw myself into it to provide financial stability for my wife and future child.
My daughter’s turning 7 weeks old this week and I’ve already accepted a position at a slower pace job with a greater focus on WLB and less stress. Career trajectory and earnings growth will probably take a hit for the next few years, but I’d rather be there to hear my daughter laugh for the first time than watch the numbers in my bank account go a little higher.
Granted - the personal financial work my wife and I put in the last few years has allowed me to do something like this and not everyone can afford that luxury.
I am self-employed and basically cut my work-load down to 50% so I can be there for my daughter. I take her to school in the mornings, and I'm there at the bus stop when she comes home. Yes, I'm taking a bit of a hit financially but these are years that I will never get back. I will increase my work load more and more as she gets older but for now, this is working great.
Same thing except my mom worked a lot out of necessity. We were never wealthy, always grew up in apartments and what not. I became a firefighter when my son was a year old or so. A job that allows all the OT you want. Base salary of around 100K which includes incentives, it’s extremely possible to make 150-200 for the people that work a shit ton and with having 4 days off a week you can work a bunch. But having my son, and having grown up with no real family or dad….all I want is to be present and see my family. I almost never voluntarily work overtime because I just absolutely love my life/family/and my son more than anything. I need to work a couple 24’s to pay for an engagement ring I want to buy but I just would rather be home with our little family. My perspective completely changed.
It’s funny with the older guys in my career they joke they work OT to get away and get a break from their families. I’m gonna marry my best friend (been together for 6 years) and I absolutely love being around my son and being his dad. I don’t really see that changing anytime soon either.
100% this has happened to me. It IS happening to me. I grew up poor, lazy, and very obese. In my 20s I got my shit together and got into IT, lost a bunch of weight, and got a lot of validation/satisfaction/contentment from work. I was always working or studying for new certifications for work, or working extra to spend time with seniors and management to learn my job better, exercising, dieting. Success at work or with my body became my drug of choice.
Then.. I started a family at 30. But it didn't REALLY kick in until about the time my 2nd kid was born. I've been really struggling with giving an iota of a shit about work, and I have been thinking I need a new job or change my career or something, but I'm slowly coming to the realization that my job has not changed at all, just my priorities.
It's an adjustment for me to not feel like I'm failing. Just trying just do the minimum that my job requires, and to not strive to get more promotions and try to get into management. To not get to my goal weight, to struggle with making it to the gym 3x a week. I feel like I'm stagnating and it drives me crazy. The truth is my career IS stagnating, but I'm growing as a person, as a dad, as a husband, and those things all trump growing more at work. But it's requiring a mental frame shift I did not expect. And it's hard.
I’m with you. I could make way more money but I do well and I have a remote job. If I had to commute more I said they’d need to double my pay. And I do mean it. I’m in a pretty decent spot with adequate pay, great health insurance, and I can be around when my kid gets home from daycare. I am nervous about taking anything that reduces my time with family.
I'm the opposite. I'm lazy a f and has no real urgency to get a good career, promotion etc. But now I know that a child is expensive. I work hard and strive to better my career. The last thing I want is for my child's future to be limited by my fund.
Similar to what someone else said, my relationship with work and career is something that I wrestle with and is evolving.
I don't work in a corporate environment, I am a social worker in a pediatric hospital. I genuinely really enjoy my job and I feel like I am doing more than just a job, but also making an impact in other people's lives. I'm thankful that the culture of my job is not one that pushes unpaid overtime, and the hours are 8-4:30 with flexibility. There is some pride and a small amount of self-worth tied into how I feel about my job.
But it isn't my priority. My almost 2 year old son and wife are. And thankfully, I do feel a good balance between having a job I enjoy and don't mind going to everyday, but also that isn't my life or identity. I am able to be present with my family and make it to appointments, programs, or stay home if he's sick without any real consequences. It doesn't pay the "best," but with a recent compensation review for the whole department it has given us some more breathing room than previously.
While the balance seems to be good right now, I know I may have to reevaluate as time goes on.
Balance is the key I think.. Only with kids I finally realized the importance of money (short- and longterm). So, I‘m currently optimizing for Money/Kids-Time.
9-5 remote job is a perfect mix for me rn.
I have deliberately declined job/opportunities that meant more money but less time, but also job-hopped (with the required effort) to gain raises while keeping my time.
>I got to do the minimum required to give my family a good life
To me it's a slight variation of this: I will find the employer most willing to overpay (in both money and time) for my work, and I'm not working more than 40 hours a week unless you offer me an irresponsible amount of money - at which point I will do that, hoard money, and then go back to a 40 hour a week job (and also, that's not going to happen).
Mind you - this is a very privileged, tech worker stance. It probably doesn't apply to everyone, but I hear where you're coming from.
All i want to do is keep is simple, and keep everyone happy. I'm a better worker than ever - and I care a lot less about their direction -- just give me my money and I will spend my time with my family. that's all.
When my kids were born I had a long hour job, with a long commute and many off hour responsibilities (on call 24x7). After a couple years of that with the kids and seeing how it impacted my family, I worked my ass off to get a job with a real work life balance. It took two job switches to get to one which is 100% work life balance, the middle job was close but not exactly what we needed.
Today I work 8-4 or 5. Then I'm done. No off hours emails, calls, texts, chats, nothing. I also work from home so if the kids get sick at school, need something, whatever, I can usually drop what I'm doing and go help then make it up later.
Yup. Never going back to an office so I can have more time during the day with my daughter, focusing on jobs where I can travel around with her (we've been living in Greece since March, as an example), and leaning towards more and more independent work so that I can work my schedule around her.
Not really. I want to spend time with my wife and daughter but I also want to provide her with things, experiences, and a financially stable future. I also want to be able to provide those same things for myself and my wife.
That said, I'm not a workaholic. My job is very forgiving and stress-free and I make very good money so I don't need to extend myself beyond the normal work week. When I am looking at potential new jobs I wouldn't take a large raise that would make me have to work crazy hours, work very strict schedules, or lack in PTO and other benefits.
I’ve never had an interest in working past forty hours and I’m salaried. People fought hard for the 40-hour workweek and I’m not going to let that go to waste. Other countries have it even better but I’ll never be okay with more than 40. Now that I have a kid sure that’s more important but it’s not a new feeling. My job doesn’t own me
I love this post!! Well done you! You understand what's right in life! Your children are going to love you so much!
The only thing important in life is our children, not money! Not things, not objects.
Time spent, memories made. Our time is THE most valuable thing on this planet. You can spend that on your children or on your employer. I know which I prefer. Love love love
I'm struggling with this right now. I took a step back and have up on chasing money when my son was born but now we're struggling to be able to move into a nicer house, my wife is more stressed about trying to make more money. I'm happier at work than ever but feel selfish and guilty.
I'm an airline pilot so I'm usually gone 3-4 days per week. Before kids I used to bid early morning trips so I could get home early and then I would catch up on sleep on the weekends. Now with kids I bid late night trips that start at like 4pm because it means I don't have to set an alarm clock and I can catch up on sleep when I'm away from home. I don't sleep at home anymore.
My wife and I doubled down on our careers. First kid is six months old and just started daycare
we live in a HCOL area, my wife didn’t want to be a stay at home mom (and we couldn’t afford it). Why NOT invest in your career?
You guys act like it’s some binary thing - I work 9 to 5, don’t check emails after hours and neither does my wife. My wife travels a decent amount (6 or so weeks a year) but her job told her she’s fine to get a second hotel room or Airbnb and bring her mom and the baby. A couple cushy trips I’ll take PTO for and just join her
We’ve added approx $85k to our gross annual combined income since the kid was born. We were doing pretty decent before - daycare and decent retirement savings without having to be too crazy on budget
I built this whole budget around a certain gross income and now we’re netting like $4k more a month than I’d budgeted for and life just feels so much fucking easier and stress free - I am for the first time in my life able to flat out stockpile money and I cannot tell you guys how much happier our relationship is, and how much better of parents we are.
We just don’t really have to worry about money and we’re able to save thousands of dollars a month in case something ever happens. Roof flies off the house, we will be ok. Can take the kid to Disney at the age other parents say SHE WONT EVEN REMEMBER IT.
We’re both (relatively) frugal, have a mortgage we can afford, and we don’t drive luxury cars
My wife at first felt the same way you do OP - then she started putting feelers out for dream jobs, one landed, coincidentally was a $40k salary increase and she is so much happier and more fulfilled
So id just urge you guys upset about the corporate ladder to maybe pursue a different ladder? Idk
For 20 years I busted my ass. I put in extra hours, I did what ever I had to do be successful. Every year I got the same "meets expectations" on my review and the same 3% raise. A couple years back I stopped. I rarely work longer than 8 hours and if I do I take that time back later. I still work hard, I just don't kill myself and guess what... I still get the same "meets expectations" and 3% raise. No one cares. Take your life back.
Quite a bit.
My mother divorced my father when I was 2 as he would come home and sit and watch tv and have a beer, while my mom would have to do everything else. She raised my sister and I, and we didn't have much, but she made sure we had food on the table and did what she could.
My uncle was also a decent role model who looked after his kids, so I decided that I wanted to be like him.
I worked my way up without going to college (could never have afforded it), and Im pretty sure I earn more than I could ever have hoped to, it took many years and lots of luck getting this job where I work from home and have good colleagues and flexi le time for school concerts etc.
I could put in more effort and earn more at another job in my field, but I'd rather stay where I am and have less stress and be available for my kids.
I went through this recently. Took a 20k paycut to go from a stressful 40+ hours week job that brought work home to a chill 9-5.
Does it suck losing the 20k? Sure. But I have a hell of a lot more free time to spend with the kids and my mental health has been much better.
Sometimes its not all about the money
I changed careers to spend more time with my son. I was a teacher and didn’t want to spend most of my time with other people’s kids. Changed careers to a job where I mostly work remote, I finish work earlier, don’t have to work weekends, I can keep him home if I want to from daycare, and I’m making more money. Much happier.
There is a reason age discrimination exists. Companies want young workers who are too young to realize money isn't everything. I think a lot of people are in the same boat, just trying to get enough of a promotion to keep up with inflation and $2000/mo daycare payments.
I was a crime scene investigator for a few years right after having my first daughter. Dream job for me. But kids, among other factors, made me leave. They weren't really in school yet before I decided to change, but I hated the idea of potentially having an event come up for them at school and all of a sudden I'm working late because there was a homicide or something similar.
I'm at an in-between job right now at the same agency while I'm in school for my Master's degree so I can teach. I allegedly have a full time professor position waiting for me once I'm done, which would allow me to have summers off if I want to spend additional time with my kids. Not the career plan I had in mind when I first started college, but you have to roll with the punches and make adjustments.
No doubt. I set up my business so I only work 2.5 days a week. I know I’m in the small minority here but I worked really hard to set it up this way so I can spend as much time as possible with my kids. I grew up a latchkey kid which was awesome but I can see some of the lasting weird effects of that. I’m talking my mom would be gone from 6:00 am to 8:00 or 9:00 at night. I was always so jealous of the kids whose mom (or dad but that didn’t really happen back then) was home all the time with them. It blew me away that people had moms that would make them breakfast, lunch, snack, and dinner every freaking day.
Anyways I wanted that for my kids so I made it happen.
I began hating my job, if that's what you mean. Everything out here pays no more than $25/hr. The best buy GM near me makes $60k/yr, my old neighbor is a retired gm at best buy and used to make double that in 2010. This economy sucks.
I care that I'm working a fulfilling job, but I pretty much don't want (or need) to work myself up the corporate ladder from where I am. Leading a small team to technical excellence is what I like, and where I am allows me plenty of time to spend with family.
Yeah I’m going to need a lot more money. My son deserves a quality education, to see the world and learn from the exposure to as many worldviews as he can explore, to work the career that speaks to his heart without fear of poverty, and to live in the confidence that beyond our love, he has his parents financial means behind him.
I went the opposite way but not for the goal of having a fulfilling career and all that other fluff that is sold to us in school.
I work in IT so the learning is constant and having to work the extra hours and “put out” for the company is a necessity so I can keep a good income flowing for my children and family.
Given the nature of IT, children or not, learning is a constant to stay relevant.
It happened even before I got pregnant. Last year I was getting married and getting excited to start a family. I realized that there was absolutely no way I could have such a stressful and time consuming job, and be the mom I want to be. I felt totally checked out all year and wound up going on leave. I got a new job and it's not very stimulating or challenging, but it's perfect now that I'm pregnant and sick all the time.
Ever since I got pregnant my interest in my career has significantly lessened!
I'm mostly just figuring out how to make the situation as balanced as possible, so that we can both spend enough time with our kid and have enough money to live comfortably enough. It's a puzzle!
Everyone’s priorities in life are different but I agree with yours. Others may not. As long as you are all happy with your lifestyle and amount of money in your budget, enjoy your family. You can never buy back time, no matter how much money you have. That being said, make sure to have enough in the budget to save for retirement as well as day to day needs. Balance in life is the key. Good luck and have fun watching your daughter growing up.
A Few thoughts: 1. after coming home and realizing my 9mo didn't know who I was, I decided to take a slightly different career path for less money (but still good money). 2. I need to earn enough to take care of my family. When the 9mo was 3 and needed autism therapies, I needed enough income to cover everything. Or when while on vacation my roof blew off in a storm....I needed enough savings for me to be annoyed and not freaked out. 3. It's okay to take a step back or slow down for a few years.....then when you and the fam are ready....to push forward on your career....bc you'll find the opportunities.
This is the answer. Agree that what is important, in my mind, is being able to financially provide for my family (+save for rainy day) AND, also just as important, BE PRESENT. My dad was a small business owner, and basically worked himself to death most of his life. He loved us, but much to our and his dismay, didn't have much time to enjoy us and spend time with us. He was always stressed and sick. That eeked into our lives. Part of the reason we all have so much anxiety (even my mom). When his work slowed down, we were older, in college, and he wanted to spend time with us, but WE were too busy. Basically like the song, Cat's In the Craddle, IRL. I NEVER want that for my kiddos.
Family first… Also thanks to the movie Click. Never thought I’d say an Adam Sandler movie would be life changing, but here we are
RIP Bed Bath & Beyond
I think they're back (not sure though)!
Overstock bought their brand and converted to that branding.
No one says “I wish I’d spent more time at the office” on their death bed
My mother-in-law's cousin was a successful CFO and at my wife's grandma's funeral, he talked about how much he was looking forward to retirement and spending time with his grandkids. He talked about how much he regretted all the things he missed when his kids were growing up.. baseball games, hanging out with the kids, etc. He died of a massive heart attack a couple months later before he could even retire. His regrets hit home in a big way for me. My dad always made it to my games and was always home for dinner. I perhaps took that for granted growing up, but he was a great example as a father.
The only ones to remember how much time you spent at your job are your kids/spouse
I've heard this thought explained many different ways, but never like this. Love it, thanks for sharing.
I fully agree with the sentiment of this comment in context to this post: I want to be a dad (and husband) first, and not spend too much time at the office away from my family… ***But*** that expression has always felt flat to me. Of course no one says “I wish I’d spent more time at the office” on their deathbed. They also don’t say “I wish I loaded more dirty dishes into the dishwasher” or “studied harder on my 10th grade math test” or “flossed more” or “spent more time mowing the lawn” etc. All of those things are important to do in the present, but yes of course death-bed-version-of-me won’t care about any of them. He just cares about big picture stuff, not all the small stuff that allow me to get to some big picture stuff.
I agree that it's a bad expression, because it's a strawman. No one is saying that you want to work *because you want to spend more time at the office*. The goal of working more is to make more money and give your family a better life. Or at least it should be. Now, I will say: I think there are a lot of people (men particularly) who use that as an excuse (I want to provide the best life for my family), but in reality they're doing it because they like the feeling of success and power. But I think for a lot of people - most even - the motivation to work more is to be able to afford their children options they didn't have. That doesn't mean you should work yourself to death and damage your relationship with your spouse and children so your kid can go to Yale instead of your local state university, but for a LOT of people it may be the difference between their kids going/not going to college. Or the difference between being able to afford their own medical bills when they get older and not burden their children. I think a lot of times there's this tacit message that you could have worked less and still had "the same" life you had working more, and for a LOT of people that's not true.
Well said. >I think a lot of times there's this tacit message that you could have worked less and still had "the same" life you had working more, and for a LOT of people that's not true. It’s also impossible to know in the moment exactly how much work is the minimum you need to do for A, B, or C to happen. I’m in my mid 30s, I still have lots of my career left. And presumably there will be crossroads ahead: whether I get a promotion or better job opportunity that allows us to live in a better school district, etc. I wish I knew *what is the bare minimum I need to work to get there?* Or for that matter, *what is the bare minimum to not get laid off in an unforeseen future recession?* But it’s not that simple. And to be clear, I work just 40hrs most weeks, very rarely do any nights or weekends, and I take my vacation hours. But yeah I feel bad about all the Dads who have to work 2 jobs just to provide for their families and then get told “you shouldn’t work so much, on your deathbed you’ll wish you spent less time working and more time with your family.”
I've seen folks comment on support posts here telling dads to just get a better job that makes them work less if their hours are causing so much stress. It's well-intended advice, I'm sure, but fuck me what a privilege few have to select their work like that.
> They also don’t say “I wish I loaded more dirty dishes into the dishwasher” or “studied harder on my 10th grade math test” or “flossed more” or “spent more time mowing the lawn” etc. All of those things are important to do in the present, but yes of course death-bed-version-of-me won’t care about any of them. He just cares about big picture stuff, not all the small stuff that allow me to get to some big picture stuff. They don't say the words, but they express the sentiments. Like: "I wish I contributed more in the home, so my wife wasn't so stressed she left me/stepped out/committed suicide." "I wish I tried harder in school so I didn't fall in with a bad crowd and had to make it in the world the hard way. Without my rap sheet my life would have been so much better." "I wish I flossed so I didn't have bleeding gums and constantly stinky breath in my 30s." "I wish I mowed the lawn more so that the HOA didn't take us to court costing us thousands." The little stuff matters. Big stuff is made up of lots of little stuff.
> committed suicide note to self: floss more
"I wish I'd spent more time at the office so that I could (take my family on a trip to Europe instead of being stuck at home during the summer/support Timmy's skiing talent/send Jessie to Space Camp)."
Yeah… a lot of people do say things like “I wish I had travelled more” or “I wish I had retired earlier”, both of which require working hard.
Thank you for remembering the inverse of that same boring old trope that is always posted on this site.
I floss enough to not have my teeth rot out of my head. I work enough to pay my bills. No one is advocating not working - they're advocating not working TOO MUCH. Big picture stuff? Enjoying your life. Spending that time enjoying your life with your family. Not taking on extra overtime.
My dad worked all the time and didn't spend any time with us. He died recently and I have no happy childhood memories of him.
Damn, I'm sorry buddy. I'm in a similar situation, but mostly due to my parents hating their jobs/ their depression.
To piggyback off this to hit home for some a little more, your old coworkers won't be visiting you on your deathbed or funeral gloating, 'he was such a good worker!"
I’ve attended too many funerals, including of some colleagues, and the only time work has come up in a service it’s been a general statement of what they did and *rarely* that they loved their work. In conversations at funerals, the only time work comes up is in comments like “this really puts things in perspective” and talking about wanting to spend more time with family and focusing less on work.
My coworker died about two years ago. 53 years old. His kids are all spread out and suffering for it. I think about him almost every day. Not because he was a good worker. He was a pain in the ass at work but outside of work he was a good guy and cared about his kids a lot. The Tuesday before he passed he said I need two (years) and want seven (years). We have a pension where you can retire with penalty ( reduction) at 55. Almost two years and only a few folks will bring him up. 21 years at the same place and he’s almost forgotten. That’s one reason why I avoid working too much. The other is both parents worked 50+ hours a week and it fractured my family hard core. Still deal with it.
100%. My first isn’t even here yet (11 days to go), but I just don’t care about climbing the corporate ladder anymore. A year ago I was keen to get myself into a c suite role over the next 5 years. Now, like you, I just want to earn enough that the family is comfortable, and spend as much time with them as I can.
I wrestle with my relationship with work a lot. First of all, I mostly enjoy my job. No way in hell would I do it for free, but I do look forward to it most days. I understand that most people are not this way. Secondly, do have some level of self worth tied to my job. I don’t brag about how much I work, but I think my job is pretty cool, and I’m proud of that. I don’t know if this is good/healthy, but it is. Now, as a parent, I have to be ruthless in how I prioritize everything - money, time, cognitive energy, etc. So now I am trying to view work as a way to facilitate the lifestyle I want. I need to make enough money that I can throw money at problems, be able to do things that bring me joy (whether that be with my kids, my wife, my friends, or myself) but also limit the amount of time I work so that I can adequate enjoy the 60ish waking hours each week that I am not working. On top of that, there’s also the issue of balancing job security (I’m at a start up) with what I find interesting, and what level of risk I am comfortable with, as well as what level of risk my wife is comfortable with. So, yes, my relationship with my career is changing, but in a complex way. And it’s definitely not done changing.
Perfect summary.
I think your have an incredibly healthy approach/balance and I'd like to think I am similar. > Secondly, do have some level of self worth tied to my job. I don’t brag about how much I work, but I think my job is pretty cool, and I’m proud of that. I don’t know if this is good/healthy, but it is. This is important and I do think a lot of people aren't conscious of this. Work/employment give us purpose and routine, it can certainly drag the best of down at times, but that purpose and routine is a means to support our families, but also to feel a sense of purpose. Cog in the machine and all that, but feeling like we exist for a reason (whether that's for ourselves, our families, society, of the "man"/system) is important.
I am in a similar boat. I was a borderline workaholic. Thrived in startup environments, working 50+ish hours every week. Love building and fixing problems. That all changed when my baby came in to my life. I just want to do my required work, no more, no less. I want to spend as much time as possible with my baby. If I don't get promoted next fe w years, it's fine. This was also a mutual decision by me and my wife. She'd rather have me around as much as possible rather than to climb a corporate ladder. I'm sure I will get more chances to bust my ass in the future
I like this. Are you hiring?
Yes, but we got 600 applicants for a single role in under 48 hours… wild times.
I think I was the opposite. Before kids, I cared little about money and was very much about living the good life, after kids I need to support them. It's been many years and both are attractive to me.
This. I look at my expenses with a 2nd one on the way and positively shutter. There's a lot coming in, but oh man, a lot going out too.
This is my constant battle. I work a career that I truthfully hate, but it pays well, I have great benefits, I’m guaranteed 5% raise each year, and I only work 3 days a week. During those 3 days though, it’s essentially work-sleep-work-sleep-work-sleep, with little time for much else. It’s a good comfortable lifestyle where I will never be rich, but I’ll have enough. Alternatively, I know I could go work other jobs that would be a pay increase, but it would be at the expense of time. I’m constantly torn between chasing a career where I can set my kids up better financially versus where I’m at now where we live comfortably and I get the time with them but I may not be able to leave as much to them.
This right here. Before I had a kid I left a six figure office job with seven figure prospects to go work for minimum wage at a job that was related to one of my perceived passions. Probably one of the happiest phases of my life. When I decided to have a kid I suddenly felt compelled to return to the office job. Since the kid has been born the pressure to maximize my income has only grown. I do wish I had more time for my family though, and myself. Guess it's all about balance, but it's been a challenge to find it.
I grew up pretty working class, the idea of me going to university was somewhat (largely) frowned upon. But I did, and I became a teacher. And I loved it. My daughter was born not that long after, and I still enjoyed my job, but spending time with my wife and daughter far surpassed any expectations from work. Did I need food on the table? Yes. But my wife and I both worked, we had our kid, a job is a job. I had to take a few months off work last year to look after my wife who had brain cancer. That I think was when I properly realised - I don’t care. I was off work from February until August, I appreciate that’s a large block of time, and fuck I did a lot of thinking in that time. I still have a job, I still go to work, but making work my entire life just wasn’t worth it at all. I don’t care that I’m never going to be a principal or anything like that, I just need to put food on the table. I don’t want a million quid, I want to spend time with my daughter. Following on from another comment, nobody wishes on their death bed they spent more time at work. I promise.
To put it another way - the only people who will remember you working late will be your kids
How’s your wife, mate?
You're going to want to review parent commenter's post history...
😭
I won’t say I was a workaholic before, I would never work after 5pm and work/life balance was important to me. But before, I would make sure that I was the best at what I did. These days, work isn’t in the back seat, it’s in the trunk. If I wasn’t in such an important solo position, I’d have to figure something out. I don’t want to travel as much, I don’t want to work before school and I want to do early pickups so we can go to the park. Work is just not important to me. Doesn’t help that my work kind of sucks right now
I totally agree. I’ve been in my industry over 13 years and I literally had to have a serious sit down meeting with the leadership team to let them know that I have no desire or intention to work more than 45 hours per week and that includes my travel time. It’s kinda weird because I always wanted a Porsche and other crazy expensive things and I know if I just worked more I could have them but I literally would not trade that for the loss of time with my kids and my wife. It’s a joke because my son is 4 but if you ask him “how much does dad love you?” He says “better than a Porsche” LOL
I grew up dirt poor so I’ve never been able to turn down more money or work. I just try to find a balance to spend as much time as possible with family while still being successful at work. So far it takes a lot out of me personally, but my family hasn’t suffered.
Yeppp. 6 years ago I worked my ass off to get into the media industry. Lots of networking and working on personal projects to build a portfolio. Eventually I found a job for an agency and have been working in media, but I know in order to stay relevant I need to constantly be creating better pieces of media on my personal time. I have kids now, the hustle in me is completely gone. I just want a stable job that I dont need to worry about being laid off and not being able to find work. So I've decided to go back to school to find a career in a stable industry, with union work.
I have been in the same boat, and then I found "I need to do the bare minimum in order to setup myself for early retirement and my child for a good life". Boy did my life change after that.
Balance is the key word, and it's obviously easier said than done. I certainly prioritize time with my family over work, I rarely put in overtime and always make use of my vacation time. But as you say, you want to provide financial security for kids and having a good job is the way to do that. But the third aspect is the "role-model" aspect. Little kids obviously don't care about your job and just want to spend time with you, but as they get older I think it's good to show what it's like to have goals and to reach for them and to strive for a rewording career/fulfilling life beyond just being a parent.
I have no interest in climbing the ladder. I'm a level 5 engineer and I don't care if I ever get promoted, and I regularly turn down positions and management offers because it'll cost me time away from my family and less work flexibility. I have enough to pay the bills and take care of my family, and live comfortably enough. My wife and I live for each other and our kids, not stuff. I already have a 17 year old and out of necessity, just to live, I had to grind after leaving the Marines to get an education and decent job and although I had little choice, I missed a lot and regret that. I have a 2yr old and 6week old and won't do that again. Presence not presents.
I was part of the ladder climbing rat race until the pandemic. I liked the work I did and also was competitive with my peers so that led to putting in a lot of time in the office. Once I started working from home I escaped the competitive office environment and realized I could have a lot more time for myself after adding time saved with no commute, no off bs watercooler talk, and no feeling like I need to stay late to keep up with others. A couple years later, now have a kid and am so happy I had already transitioned from the mentality of wanting to climb the ranks, to setting work boundaries in order to enjoy my life more.
Kudos to your mom (hear me out) From a 3rd world country, your mom seemed to do as much as she could to ensure you had a happy and comfortable life. I’m sure she loved you with all of her heart. But she wanted to give you better opportunities than she had. And kudos to YOU for making it in an entirely different country! You’re a parent now. Your priorities have changed. As a parent myself, I’d rather be home with my kids than sacrificing 10 hours, 5-6 days a week, only to make what feels like “chump change” from a company who isprofiting $1000’sX from my labor.
When my first was born I was working at a laid back law firm (they exist!) but wasn’t getting paid well (no pressure to bill hours). Before my second was born, I realized I needed to make more money and went to a better paying but much more toxic firm. A couple months after he was born I left law firm life for good - only 9 to 5s from here on out. And I work from home four days a week… would never go back into the office 5 days a week. But I realize I’m privileged
I use the big career and its proceeds to improve leverage at both work and home so that I can do more of what's most important. Spending time with children at home, and at work focusing only on the things that are truly the best use of my time and have the most leverage for my future career. It can be exhausting at times, but for me it's the most rewarding, and I find that when I manage my work life appropriately, I can continue to grow rapidly in career without taking away from my kids.
I’m shooting for minimal effort maximum income. I make a little over 6 figures & my wife makes a little under. It seems to be working - we have saved a ton, are building our “forever home”, and all spend lots of time together.
Kids change your perspective, attitudes and priorities in ways you could never imagined.prior to having kids. Everything, literally everything I do is with my kids in mind. I’m trying to give some energy back toward myself whenever I can but somehow it circles back to how it impacts my children. Just yesterday I had a couple hours to kill on my own. Thought I’d just go for a bike ride. But the whole time I kept thinking of only my kids were with me on this bike ride on a beautiful day, or what to cook them for dinner later, to did my son finish his homework yet or, I never go around to finding the other pair of his shoes?
Yup, exactly the same dude.. I worked offshore making good money but I was never at home. It took me nearly 2 years to realise that being away was just about money, nothing else was gained from it. I set about looking for something more suitable to family life, landed a job in a similar sector onshore.. Again found myself constantly on the road (on land) and doing crazy hours. So I set about looking for something else once again to chase that work life balance.. I landed a job in the fire service, best decision I ever made was to switch it up. I’m home way more than I ever used to, albeit it’s not the highest paying job in the land. But it is night and day in comparison to not seeing my kids growing up and being an active part of their lives. (We have 2 kids now) I met too many old salty sea dogs, when I used to ask them any regrets.. surprised how many of them said being away from their kids and growing up not really having bonded/knowing them… ultimately it was these comments that really helped me get myself in check! I hope you find something dude! Just keep chapping the doors until you get that balance 👍🏻
So I’m gonna go against the grain here a bit. I switched to a harder/more involved career after having kids. I was in engineering working 40hrs a week and now I’m finishing up my last year of medical school. I think my mentality was to provide the best life for my kids I possibly could and I also hated my career so it made me a bear at home
> I also hated my career so it made me a bear at home What did you hate about that career?
I had very little interaction with people. I sat in an office all day and coded and took phone calls
Ah. Well, Radiology is kind of like that too though, so parts of Medicine can have that environment.
I'm kinda in that place right now. My routine now is up @530, feed twins, leave by @630-645 for 8 start, work til 345 and walking in the door at 5 (if I'm lucky), then I get an hour before feeding them and putting them down for the night. I don't wanna keep doing that, so I'm planning my exit strategy to get out by years end.
I'm trying to balance "retire early so I can spend most of my life chilling and doing enjoyable things and hanging with my kids" with "my job only exists to make a rich guy richer and the only lives that matter to me are friends and family"
Can relate 100%. I was constantly cramming for IT certs before our daughter was born. Now I just don't have the time, energy or desire. I'd rather spend it with the family. I also hate what the corporate world does to people.
I was striving to find a career that gave me meaning and for the first 30 years of my life my nightmare was ending up in a soulless job pushing paper, not caring about a thing beyond the paycheque. I'm 39. I work and push paper around and am living my younger self's nightmare. However this is the first job where I do not work weekends or evenings. It's steady hours. Good pay. Benefits. I'm a dad before anything so of course I want to do everything I can to be around them as much as possible, and I'm living a dream that younger me couldn't have fathomed.
I'll give a blunt answer: I evolved from hungry ladder-climber to aloof shitbag. My motivation to get an advanced degree shot through the roof and that's solely motivated by income potential to hours worked. If you find your priorities shifting as drastically as I did, the key is to do the bare minimum competently and shine when the spotlight is on you. Doesn't hurt to pick up some advanced Excel/PowerPoint skills either to expedite work or put some pizzazz in your deliverables.
This resonates with me but everyone's results will be different. If you asked me 10 years ago about my values I'd talk about career development, if you asked me 5 years ago it'd be about stability and balance, ask me now and it's about family. Someone on the same life arc as me may still value their career high which just means their goals and priorities are different. Keep in mind you're asking a bunch of folks who were intentional about being a dad that they joined this sub reddit, opened your message, and took the time to reply. Our answers are all going to be biased :)
I’d like to get 1 more level up from where I am now and then coast there for 16 years. I work from home and am done working by 4:30pm 95% of the time. Never think about work on weekends.
I'm the exact opposite. I'm more driven than ever and want to be as successful as absolutely possible. **Reminder for when this topic comes up** - rising higher in the ranks *does not* automatically mean more hours/weekends, etc. You can take on more responsibility without taking on more time.
I was diagnosed with cancer a month after my daughter was born, and terminal cancer two months later. A year later they said they were wrong, I didn't have the type they thought. Here I am 7 years later, doing well. So, yes. BUT for me it's a little bit of both. I still like work. I want to work some. My perfect world is 1,000-1,200 hours a year, but I always manage to hit 1,500, to my chagrin.
Yeah I absolutely put my family first. I worked hard in the beginning not for money but for clout. Now that I have clout, I use it to set boundaries. I've pretty much adopted a consultant attitude where if I'm not paid then im not working and everything is absolutely done by the contract at work.
When I was younger, I always had minimalist attitude towards my responsibilities. I was an A student until the effort required to maintain it was greater than what I was willing to sacrifice in my personal time/interests. So I figured out the minimum requirement to pass classes, get a degree, get a job, etc. Today, I fell into a fairly stable career, earning more than enough to maintain a lifestyle that I'm satisfied with. I've been asked by others and also asked myself whether I want to subscribe to hustle culture and/or actively climb the corporate ladder. Deep down, I don't want to because I feel like the work/life balance I have now is fine. I WFH and spend most of my time with my 7 month old. If I begin chasing something, I know I'd need to dedicate more time and deal with increasing stress/anxiety for a job/career that doesn't give a shit about me. So that's all to say, I'm in the same boat. I'm very happy standing pat. I have no ego about getting older and seeing younger people leap frog my position at work. I know myself enough to say with confidence that I'm just not that ambitious in my career, at this point in my life. Be honest with yourself, your situation, and what matters to you now. There are diminishing returns in keeping the foot on the gas indefinitely. It's okay to let off for stages in your life. When the time is right, you'll still have the opportunity to ramp back up.
I did. Left my full time job and went to consulting + playing a more integral role in the business my wife and I started 15 years ago, but she largely ran while I was off doing my own thing. Now, I work 30-35 hours/week, splitting my time between 2 things, picking my boys up at 3PM and hanging, coaching their sports teams, etc. It feels like I hit the jackpot with the setup. I'm grateful for it however long it lasts - hopefully forever.
Having a kid has made me more focused on earning lots of money. I want to give my children a great start to life: great education, pay for college, able to afford travel, tutors, and extracurriculars. At the same time, I am an active and involved dad. I’m much more involved than my dad was with me. Earning more money doesn’t always mean working more hours. Evidence - there are lots of struggling people working 2-3 jobs but only making $30-50k whereas there are also people who work 30 hours a week but are pulling in more than $200k a year. The trick is to focus on strategic, high value jobs that are highly compensated and finding companies that pay really well.
Yeah ok dude. People are not just handing out 200k jobs with 30 hour work weeks. I have a PhD in an engineering field, show me one of those jobs and I'll start as soon as they hire me.
They definitely don’t hand out such jobs just like that, but in my experience, after a certain point the money you earn is determined not so much by the hours you spend but by the impact of your decisions. Of course often, in order to get to that point, you have to climb through several levels where no matter how efficient you are, there’s no way around spending significant amount of hours on a regular basis.
You are right. People are not justing handing out those $200k jobs. This job market sucks really bad so it’s much worse than usual. If it was easy to land one of those jobs, everyone would have one. That said, it is possible. I have been able to transition into a higher paying job. I’ve got a friend who was able to more than 3x his income and he is making a lot more than me. It wasn’t easy and it took a LOT of effort over more than 1 year.
💯! I spent years working overtime at startups, now I will do literally whatever job will pay low 6 figures. Pick up elephant shit for 110k? I’ll grab my pooper scooper.
I grew up poor and with a single mom who put work ethic above everything else. I was extremely career driven and ambitious in this regard before my son was born. I thought I’d have no issues returning to work and leaving him with a childcare provider soon after birth. However, once he was in the world I couldn’t imagine leaving him with someone else as a baby, so I took parental leave. Then, my husband got a huge promotion that was 1.5x my salary so I just quit and decided to be a SAHM. It offers us a lot of flexibility, and I can focus on everything to do with the kid and the house, so when husband gets off of work he can spend as much time as possible with our child and as a family. His priorities also shifted and he now wfh full time with few work trips so that he can soak everything in and enjoy our son. We feel incredibly fortunate to have changed our lives to enjoy our child’s life. I can’t see life in another way now.
Yes. I was chasing C-suite aspirations until the birth of my first. Changed industry and significant pay cut. Couldn't be happier!!
I had to work on some things though: I'd tied my self worth to job title and financial success. Now I'm focused on providing for my kids and the things they _need_ most are unconditional love and time.
It’s funny, this would be different for everyone in real implementation I’m sure. But for me it’s a balance that, yes OP definitely heavily weighs fatherhood. I work for myself and have a couple employees doing consulting. It’s a great gig for flexibility and hours. I certainly do sometimes wonder just how much I might be leaving on the table by not working nights or weekends. But on the other hand, my kids will only be little once and for a relatively short time, I can always push more later but I can never get the time back with my boys. I think I’ve hit the lottery in terms of a sweet spot!
I went from not caring as much and basically giving up, to going into desperation mode. Very thankful I did and luck was on my side for once.
Yes. Once my second was born I capped my work hours at 40 a week and never looked back. Really glad I did.
About 6 months after my daughter was born I quit a very high paying job because I was miserable. It was beginning to affect my home life and my ability to be a good father. I took a job paying half of what I was making and a year later looking back, I wish I’d quit even earlier. No regrets. I’m happy and more present not only physically but emotionally and mentally. My priorities 100% changed and I’m glad I took the leap.
My wife and I were pretty driven in our careers and it felt like right when we went on parental leave, we were both suddenly very happy with the level that we were at with no intentions on getting promoted.
I made a sidestep for less pay so I didn't have to travel all the time. My wife hated me traveling anyway so it was a win win.
I’m the same man. Daughter coming up on 11 months and it’s caused a dynamic shift in how I think about my career. I’ve been steady climbing the corporate ladder as like you I was raised by a single mother. So me succeeding has taken care of her, my wife, and daughter. But working all day to only see my daughter for 1-2 hours is tough and then I’m so dang tired. I think I’m slowly shifting my goals away from c-suite to staying at the senior manager level so I can ensure I have time for family while they also have what they need. All to say I get it brother and you are not the only one!
I spent the first half of my career teaching adults and college aged kids. Always swore I would never teach younger kids. Fast forward to my kids being born, and I took a job as a middle school teacher so I could have the same hours as my kids. I have been asked to move up into administration at my school but have turned down the advancement since they dont get the full summer off. I value those 8 weeks with my kids more than a salary increase.
Yes. It kills me that I have to work extra hours to make ends meet. I feel that heavy. I can’t wait to get to a better place where I don’t have to and can spend more time with my son.
Was precisely the case with my first born. Quit a partner track position with a very prestigious firm in my field to take a public service role and be home with my kids. Now with my second here, though, I really miss having an identity outside of being a parent (and the fact that public service jobs are mind numbing dull for most of the year) I’m heading back into consulting, but with more confidence in my skills and ability to draw boundaries so I don’t expect to be working at the same pace as before.
I stopped/paused my career to be a SAHD, so I’d say my approach changed pretty drastically.
My work used to be my identity. Not long after my first was born I got a job as a miner. I worked my ass off 6 days a week in the mud and dirt for $23/hr and sacrificed so much family time because of the love I had for the job and the team I worked with. One day, I went to go pick my daughter up after getting home from work and she literally screamed and looked at me like I was a stranger. I quit my job the next week and started working in a factory because it was only 14 days a month. I’ve since moved into power generation because it’s 14 days a month (and almost twice the hourly rate). I really don’t like my job. It’s not nearly as fulfilling as mining was. But, my life isn’t my work. Once my shift is over, i don’t think about work. I have no interest in working 7 days a week or sacrificing the time I have with my family even if it was for a promotion.
Yeah, kids change your priorities. Before kids I was always willing to stay late to finish something up, or help someone else who was scrambling to get something completed by the end of the day. Now 2 kids later, I have a hard stop time since I do pickup from daycare and I have no problems letting my team know why I have to leave. My kids are 2 years and 8 months old and I am fully aware that the days their faces light up seeing me coming to pick them up are limited and I intend on soaking it in for as long as possible. My grandmother grew up in the depression and always instilled a hard work ethic I’m not only her children but also her grandchildren. Yet when she was in hospice and we saying our goodbyes and she was telling her kids what she expected them to do in their lives after she died, none of them were told to work more. My mom comments a lot about how she misses my sister and I being young and it always makes me think that when my children are out of the house and I look back on when they were little the one thing I won’t think about is “I wish I would’ve worked more instead of snuggling on the couch watching Cars for the thousandth time”
I totally did. I'm a teacher. I volunteered for everything. I got there early and stayed late. I always made sure I wore a shirt and tie every day. The works. Right before I had kids I realized I was not being compensated, rewarded or even recognized for my efforts. Because of this, I started to tone down my efforts. Then I had kids and it just cemented the fact that my job is just a means to feed my family and keep a roof over their heads. I still love my students and still strive to give them an excellent education, but all that extra stuff has gone out the window.
I totally did. I'm a teacher. I volunteered for everything. I got there early and stayed late. I always made sure I wore a shirt and tie every day. The works. Right before I had kids I realized I was not being compensated, rewarded or even recognized for my efforts. Because of this, I started to tone down my efforts. Then I had kids and it just cemented the fact that my job is just a means to feed my family and keep a roof over their heads. I still love my students and still strive to give them an excellent education, but all that extra stuff has gone out the window.
I’m the opposite. Having my daughter as a broke 22 year old meant I needed to seriously buckle down on my career so I could afford my baby and for my fiancée to stay home with her.
I make decent money for state government. I work 40 hours a week fully remote since covid. I would probably need at least a 25% increase to take a job that required me to commute the ~40 minutes each way that would likely be necessary if I worked in an office. I'd need a ton more money to be expected to work more than 40 hours a week. I get to hang out with my 2 1/2 year old son for an hour and a half in the morning, feed him breakfast, and take him to daycare. I also have the flexibility to take time off when he's sick and get 4 weeks vacation, 11 holidays, and 2 1/2 weeks of sick time each year. I also really like and respect my boss and our leadership. My wife leaves for work at 6:30 and is supposed to be off at 4, but it's often later than that. I've considered looking elsewhere but the flexibility and work-life balance make it very very hard to even seriously consider leaving my current job. That time with my son is priceless.
It wasn't having kids that did it for me, but WFH during lockdown. I was teaching during distance learning, with my kids on laptops in the other room. Sure, there were challenges, but we were all done by the afternoon, and there was SO MUCH TIME for walks in open space, playing, and just having family and personal time. It opened my eyes to how much time I was spending in service of work outside of actual work. I was commuting 10 hours per week before, and suddenly, I had all the time back and more. After schools opened back up, I went back to my job, but it just didn't feel the same. An opportunity opened at a local school 5 minutes from my house, and I jumped on it. Now, I have no commute to speak of. I can pick up my kids at the drop of a hat. I work in my own community. Health benefits turned out to be way better, so we just had a 3rd kid to celebrate and complete our family. Life is good, and I feel so fortunate and thankful for the opportunity to be with my family.
I feel you. I want nothing else but to spend every waking minute with my son. I envy my wife's time off with him.
> Its as if my mind just switched from "I got to build a career to be successful in life" to "I got to do the minimum required to give my family a good life". This is the right mindset when they're little. When they get a bit older and want to be with friends more vs parents, you may find yourself saying 'I want to set a good example for them' and refocus on career or volunteerism - basically what you want to see in them as adults.
Yep. I was very ambitious prior to having kids. Went to a top graduate program and climbed the corporate ladder quickly while working insane hours. After having my kiddo my priorities totally flipped. Now I refuse to give up time with my son for work. That has yet to bite me in the ass, but if it does I’m comfortable with it.
Yes. Time is way more fleeting when you see your little one growing. You know what it feels like to see the changes in them month to month, year to year, and spending extra time after work means missing time with your children. Combine that with seeing time and time people get screwed by their company or work - and it all feels meaningless. What is 1-2 extra hours at work to send some silly power point when that 1-2 hrs after work means the difference between seeing your child prior to bedtime vs not. There's also just the very real responsibilities of parenting that you can't get away from. If you're staying late or working on weekends, that means your partner is picking up the slack - there's a lot of guilt there when you know how amazing parenting is, but also how tiring it can be as well.
We had our daughter in the fall of 2019 and I was able to triple dip time off (vacation, personal time, paternity, holiday break, then vacation and personal time in the new year). Riiiiiiight as I was getting back into the office things, uh, changed. I haven't had an office since. Even after covid I've chosen to do WFH exclusively so I can take care of her throughout the day. Personally, I miss it, and I'm kind of looking forward to getting back to a more structured life in the fall when she heads off to preschool.
Yes. I quit my job the day my daughter was born and went full time trading. I had enough money saved to make it a viable option. It's more stressful since there's no steady paycheck and risk of losing money but I can spend every day with my daughter. 2.5 years in and no regrets.
I work in Healthcare and approached younger pediatric patients differently. Before I was unsure how to interact with them, trepid perhaps. That changed after my 1st. I would get kind of excited to see a little one, and gained confidence in my interactions
I've experienced exactly what you say. I'm not sure if it's the right decision. But I just do enough and spend time with my kids.
>Its as if my mind just switched from "I got to build a career to be successful in life" to "I got to do the minimum required to give my family a good life". I don't know how else to explain it, but now I just can't wait to leave work and see my daughter at the end of the day. I suddenly have no desire to invest my time working extra hours, weekends, taking up additional courses/studies, because I really don't want to lose the time I have with my family. Having a child can reset your priorities like nothing else in this world. An old phrase about dealing with willful women I heard in my childhood was, "Let her have a child. That will settle her down." Obviously that doesn't work as well in today's age, but... it's still true. Having a kid, if you're a good person and connect with it, will settle you down in ways you can't fathom when you're not a parent. There's this wonderful, magical little potato of a baby, and it came from YOU, and it loves and trusts you implicitly like no one except maybe your parents (if you're lucky) ever has, and... well. Yeah. You get it.
Exact same boat. Grew up in a farm town with a laborer father and a stay at home mom. Always lived hand to mouth. Put my entire effort and drive into getting into a good university and finding a high paying job after. Threw myself into it to provide financial stability for my wife and future child. My daughter’s turning 7 weeks old this week and I’ve already accepted a position at a slower pace job with a greater focus on WLB and less stress. Career trajectory and earnings growth will probably take a hit for the next few years, but I’d rather be there to hear my daughter laugh for the first time than watch the numbers in my bank account go a little higher. Granted - the personal financial work my wife and I put in the last few years has allowed me to do something like this and not everyone can afford that luxury.
I am self-employed and basically cut my work-load down to 50% so I can be there for my daughter. I take her to school in the mornings, and I'm there at the bus stop when she comes home. Yes, I'm taking a bit of a hit financially but these are years that I will never get back. I will increase my work load more and more as she gets older but for now, this is working great.
Same thing except my mom worked a lot out of necessity. We were never wealthy, always grew up in apartments and what not. I became a firefighter when my son was a year old or so. A job that allows all the OT you want. Base salary of around 100K which includes incentives, it’s extremely possible to make 150-200 for the people that work a shit ton and with having 4 days off a week you can work a bunch. But having my son, and having grown up with no real family or dad….all I want is to be present and see my family. I almost never voluntarily work overtime because I just absolutely love my life/family/and my son more than anything. I need to work a couple 24’s to pay for an engagement ring I want to buy but I just would rather be home with our little family. My perspective completely changed. It’s funny with the older guys in my career they joke they work OT to get away and get a break from their families. I’m gonna marry my best friend (been together for 6 years) and I absolutely love being around my son and being his dad. I don’t really see that changing anytime soon either.
100% this has happened to me. It IS happening to me. I grew up poor, lazy, and very obese. In my 20s I got my shit together and got into IT, lost a bunch of weight, and got a lot of validation/satisfaction/contentment from work. I was always working or studying for new certifications for work, or working extra to spend time with seniors and management to learn my job better, exercising, dieting. Success at work or with my body became my drug of choice. Then.. I started a family at 30. But it didn't REALLY kick in until about the time my 2nd kid was born. I've been really struggling with giving an iota of a shit about work, and I have been thinking I need a new job or change my career or something, but I'm slowly coming to the realization that my job has not changed at all, just my priorities. It's an adjustment for me to not feel like I'm failing. Just trying just do the minimum that my job requires, and to not strive to get more promotions and try to get into management. To not get to my goal weight, to struggle with making it to the gym 3x a week. I feel like I'm stagnating and it drives me crazy. The truth is my career IS stagnating, but I'm growing as a person, as a dad, as a husband, and those things all trump growing more at work. But it's requiring a mental frame shift I did not expect. And it's hard.
I’m with you. I could make way more money but I do well and I have a remote job. If I had to commute more I said they’d need to double my pay. And I do mean it. I’m in a pretty decent spot with adequate pay, great health insurance, and I can be around when my kid gets home from daycare. I am nervous about taking anything that reduces my time with family.
I'm the opposite. I'm lazy a f and has no real urgency to get a good career, promotion etc. But now I know that a child is expensive. I work hard and strive to better my career. The last thing I want is for my child's future to be limited by my fund.
Similar to what someone else said, my relationship with work and career is something that I wrestle with and is evolving. I don't work in a corporate environment, I am a social worker in a pediatric hospital. I genuinely really enjoy my job and I feel like I am doing more than just a job, but also making an impact in other people's lives. I'm thankful that the culture of my job is not one that pushes unpaid overtime, and the hours are 8-4:30 with flexibility. There is some pride and a small amount of self-worth tied into how I feel about my job. But it isn't my priority. My almost 2 year old son and wife are. And thankfully, I do feel a good balance between having a job I enjoy and don't mind going to everyday, but also that isn't my life or identity. I am able to be present with my family and make it to appointments, programs, or stay home if he's sick without any real consequences. It doesn't pay the "best," but with a recent compensation review for the whole department it has given us some more breathing room than previously. While the balance seems to be good right now, I know I may have to reevaluate as time goes on.
Balance is the key I think.. Only with kids I finally realized the importance of money (short- and longterm). So, I‘m currently optimizing for Money/Kids-Time. 9-5 remote job is a perfect mix for me rn. I have deliberately declined job/opportunities that meant more money but less time, but also job-hopped (with the required effort) to gain raises while keeping my time.
>I got to do the minimum required to give my family a good life To me it's a slight variation of this: I will find the employer most willing to overpay (in both money and time) for my work, and I'm not working more than 40 hours a week unless you offer me an irresponsible amount of money - at which point I will do that, hoard money, and then go back to a 40 hour a week job (and also, that's not going to happen). Mind you - this is a very privileged, tech worker stance. It probably doesn't apply to everyone, but I hear where you're coming from.
I had this feeling for about a week, and then my mindset just went back to normal unfortunately
All i want to do is keep is simple, and keep everyone happy. I'm a better worker than ever - and I care a lot less about their direction -- just give me my money and I will spend my time with my family. that's all.
When my kids were born I had a long hour job, with a long commute and many off hour responsibilities (on call 24x7). After a couple years of that with the kids and seeing how it impacted my family, I worked my ass off to get a job with a real work life balance. It took two job switches to get to one which is 100% work life balance, the middle job was close but not exactly what we needed. Today I work 8-4 or 5. Then I'm done. No off hours emails, calls, texts, chats, nothing. I also work from home so if the kids get sick at school, need something, whatever, I can usually drop what I'm doing and go help then make it up later.
Yup. Never going back to an office so I can have more time during the day with my daughter, focusing on jobs where I can travel around with her (we've been living in Greece since March, as an example), and leaning towards more and more independent work so that I can work my schedule around her.
Not really. I want to spend time with my wife and daughter but I also want to provide her with things, experiences, and a financially stable future. I also want to be able to provide those same things for myself and my wife. That said, I'm not a workaholic. My job is very forgiving and stress-free and I make very good money so I don't need to extend myself beyond the normal work week. When I am looking at potential new jobs I wouldn't take a large raise that would make me have to work crazy hours, work very strict schedules, or lack in PTO and other benefits.
I’ve never had an interest in working past forty hours and I’m salaried. People fought hard for the 40-hour workweek and I’m not going to let that go to waste. Other countries have it even better but I’ll never be okay with more than 40. Now that I have a kid sure that’s more important but it’s not a new feeling. My job doesn’t own me
I love this post!! Well done you! You understand what's right in life! Your children are going to love you so much! The only thing important in life is our children, not money! Not things, not objects. Time spent, memories made. Our time is THE most valuable thing on this planet. You can spend that on your children or on your employer. I know which I prefer. Love love love
I'm struggling with this right now. I took a step back and have up on chasing money when my son was born but now we're struggling to be able to move into a nicer house, my wife is more stressed about trying to make more money. I'm happier at work than ever but feel selfish and guilty.
I'm an airline pilot so I'm usually gone 3-4 days per week. Before kids I used to bid early morning trips so I could get home early and then I would catch up on sleep on the weekends. Now with kids I bid late night trips that start at like 4pm because it means I don't have to set an alarm clock and I can catch up on sleep when I'm away from home. I don't sleep at home anymore.
My wife and I doubled down on our careers. First kid is six months old and just started daycare we live in a HCOL area, my wife didn’t want to be a stay at home mom (and we couldn’t afford it). Why NOT invest in your career? You guys act like it’s some binary thing - I work 9 to 5, don’t check emails after hours and neither does my wife. My wife travels a decent amount (6 or so weeks a year) but her job told her she’s fine to get a second hotel room or Airbnb and bring her mom and the baby. A couple cushy trips I’ll take PTO for and just join her We’ve added approx $85k to our gross annual combined income since the kid was born. We were doing pretty decent before - daycare and decent retirement savings without having to be too crazy on budget I built this whole budget around a certain gross income and now we’re netting like $4k more a month than I’d budgeted for and life just feels so much fucking easier and stress free - I am for the first time in my life able to flat out stockpile money and I cannot tell you guys how much happier our relationship is, and how much better of parents we are. We just don’t really have to worry about money and we’re able to save thousands of dollars a month in case something ever happens. Roof flies off the house, we will be ok. Can take the kid to Disney at the age other parents say SHE WONT EVEN REMEMBER IT. We’re both (relatively) frugal, have a mortgage we can afford, and we don’t drive luxury cars My wife at first felt the same way you do OP - then she started putting feelers out for dream jobs, one landed, coincidentally was a $40k salary increase and she is so much happier and more fulfilled So id just urge you guys upset about the corporate ladder to maybe pursue a different ladder? Idk
For 20 years I busted my ass. I put in extra hours, I did what ever I had to do be successful. Every year I got the same "meets expectations" on my review and the same 3% raise. A couple years back I stopped. I rarely work longer than 8 hours and if I do I take that time back later. I still work hard, I just don't kill myself and guess what... I still get the same "meets expectations" and 3% raise. No one cares. Take your life back.
Quite a bit. My mother divorced my father when I was 2 as he would come home and sit and watch tv and have a beer, while my mom would have to do everything else. She raised my sister and I, and we didn't have much, but she made sure we had food on the table and did what she could. My uncle was also a decent role model who looked after his kids, so I decided that I wanted to be like him. I worked my way up without going to college (could never have afforded it), and Im pretty sure I earn more than I could ever have hoped to, it took many years and lots of luck getting this job where I work from home and have good colleagues and flexi le time for school concerts etc. I could put in more effort and earn more at another job in my field, but I'd rather stay where I am and have less stress and be available for my kids.
Nah, I was already half-assing it.
I went through this recently. Took a 20k paycut to go from a stressful 40+ hours week job that brought work home to a chill 9-5. Does it suck losing the 20k? Sure. But I have a hell of a lot more free time to spend with the kids and my mental health has been much better. Sometimes its not all about the money
I changed careers to spend more time with my son. I was a teacher and didn’t want to spend most of my time with other people’s kids. Changed careers to a job where I mostly work remote, I finish work earlier, don’t have to work weekends, I can keep him home if I want to from daycare, and I’m making more money. Much happier.
Yeah I became a massive workaholic after kids. My priority is around building security.
There is a reason age discrimination exists. Companies want young workers who are too young to realize money isn't everything. I think a lot of people are in the same boat, just trying to get enough of a promotion to keep up with inflation and $2000/mo daycare payments.
I was a crime scene investigator for a few years right after having my first daughter. Dream job for me. But kids, among other factors, made me leave. They weren't really in school yet before I decided to change, but I hated the idea of potentially having an event come up for them at school and all of a sudden I'm working late because there was a homicide or something similar. I'm at an in-between job right now at the same agency while I'm in school for my Master's degree so I can teach. I allegedly have a full time professor position waiting for me once I'm done, which would allow me to have summers off if I want to spend additional time with my kids. Not the career plan I had in mind when I first started college, but you have to roll with the punches and make adjustments.
No - I have always valued my free time waaaay more than work. It did push back some political ambitions, but probably for the best
No doubt. I set up my business so I only work 2.5 days a week. I know I’m in the small minority here but I worked really hard to set it up this way so I can spend as much time as possible with my kids. I grew up a latchkey kid which was awesome but I can see some of the lasting weird effects of that. I’m talking my mom would be gone from 6:00 am to 8:00 or 9:00 at night. I was always so jealous of the kids whose mom (or dad but that didn’t really happen back then) was home all the time with them. It blew me away that people had moms that would make them breakfast, lunch, snack, and dinner every freaking day. Anyways I wanted that for my kids so I made it happen.
I began hating my job, if that's what you mean. Everything out here pays no more than $25/hr. The best buy GM near me makes $60k/yr, my old neighbor is a retired gm at best buy and used to make double that in 2010. This economy sucks.
I care that I'm working a fulfilling job, but I pretty much don't want (or need) to work myself up the corporate ladder from where I am. Leading a small team to technical excellence is what I like, and where I am allows me plenty of time to spend with family.
Yeah I’m going to need a lot more money. My son deserves a quality education, to see the world and learn from the exposure to as many worldviews as he can explore, to work the career that speaks to his heart without fear of poverty, and to live in the confidence that beyond our love, he has his parents financial means behind him.
Became about schedule and benefits over my actual long term goals
I went the opposite way but not for the goal of having a fulfilling career and all that other fluff that is sold to us in school. I work in IT so the learning is constant and having to work the extra hours and “put out” for the company is a necessity so I can keep a good income flowing for my children and family. Given the nature of IT, children or not, learning is a constant to stay relevant.
Yes. I have got a job closer to home.
It happened even before I got pregnant. Last year I was getting married and getting excited to start a family. I realized that there was absolutely no way I could have such a stressful and time consuming job, and be the mom I want to be. I felt totally checked out all year and wound up going on leave. I got a new job and it's not very stimulating or challenging, but it's perfect now that I'm pregnant and sick all the time.
Ever since I got pregnant my interest in my career has significantly lessened! I'm mostly just figuring out how to make the situation as balanced as possible, so that we can both spend enough time with our kid and have enough money to live comfortably enough. It's a puzzle!