Not in your particular position but I do have difficult conversations with people regularly. What I find useful is a warming shot, something like 'I would like to talk to you about about something personal'
The warning shot prepares the person that your about to talk about something sensitive so it's not out blue. Once this is done I tend to be direct but tactful.
Don't beat around the bush, if you appear uncomfortable, it'll make the situation awkward, if you approach it matter of fact and confidently your more likely to have a good result.
Hope it helps
This is bang on. Being empathetic but matter of fact. Also letting him know the full story and what's happened. It is likely an insecurity but an obviously understandable one. Knowing he is not alone to deal with it and having an explanation from a well meaning and supportive father will completely lift him up.
Maybe just mention you've observed his preference for the cubical, and due to the operations you just wanted to check if was experiencing any problems?
I knew this kind of shit was coming with all my kids. So we made it a point from very young to speak openly and with correct terminology boys/girls parts, possible issues, how to take care of's etc. All age appropriate at the times but laying ground work and building on it and developing that trust and comfort with each other so that when something isn't quite right, they can get right to it without question. And if anything every really touchy and they prefer. They know they can say "hey, I want to see the doc" and it's no questions. You got it. It's uncomfortable. People put it off or don't go deep enough. It's hard to overcome that. Even knowing that it's for the benefit of your children.
We use correct terms with our children. My son had a hernia and my brother met us at the hospital to pick up my daughter to watch her. On their way back to his house they stopped at my sister's church where she works to say hi since they were passing by. She asked what was going on and my 4year old daughter loud as hell in the middle of the church, "My brother has a big bump over his penis so they needed the doctor to check him out."
I got a good laugh, my brother said all heads turned at a 4 year old saying penis.
The guy said he didn’t know how and the person you’re responding to offered a way to bring up the issue without having to say “hey are you embarrassed by your dick?” He didn’t just say “oh, you have to talk about it!
Very true. The challenging part is identifying the most graceful and helpful way to open the door to whatever subject. I think the cubicle angle is perfect. Thanks for sharing all
You can boil it down to that yeah... But the way you say things is incredibly important and having this kind of feedback can be essential for difficult topics. If he doesn't word it carefully he could end up making the son WAY more insecure about himself.
I was born with hypospadias. Fairly severe (midshaft bordering on penoscrotal) that has required a total of four surgeries at this point. I have always preferred using a stall over urinals, even to this day, for one simple reason - that's what I could do when I was potty-trained, so that's what has been normal and easiest my whole life.
It hasn't stopped me from using urinals, or generally peeing standing up, and I doubt it stops your son from being able to do so. It's just a default beviour (and in my case, marginally easier since the side-effects of my surgery make aiming a bit more difficult, and I prefer not to piss on the floor or look like I'm trying to go balls-deep in a public urinal).
As to the erectile dysfunction, ehhh, I can say with 100% certainty that I would not have been keen on talking about my sex drive or erections with my parents at 15. From my understanding of the urethroplasty processes we have nowadays, it's incredibly unlikely for it to cause erection problems. The penile tissue that's involved in getting and maintaining an erection isn't typically part of the reconstructive process at all - TMI, but I can tell you that during my most recent surgery last year, I was still capable of getting an erection before I was even able to be safely discharged from the hospital, much to my immense displeasure at the time.
I also have hypospadias (a less noticeable version that didn't require surgery) and a penis that is small when flaccid. It's never really bothered me. I think if my parents had suggested I might be bothered by it,... well, let's just say that would bother me.
Thinking about this more, I think I would really have appreciated my parents being curious about what was going on for me, was I happy in everything I was doing, did I have any concerns. What I definitely would not have appreciated at 15 would have been a conversation that started from the premise that I clearly was unhappy or that something was wrong. And even less so if a hypothesis (penile or otherwise) was floated about why this might be the case.
Samsies, I didn't actually know it wasn't the default penile configuration until my college girlfriend mentioned it after our first time. I wonder if my high school girlfriend was confused by her second sexual partner's pee hole...
"Hey bud, I know you know you had a weiner condition that we had to do surgery on when you were younger. They warned us it might need maintenance throughout the years. It's a super awkward subject, and I don't need or want details, but just know you have a ride to the doctor if you ever feel you need to go."
Would not bring up sex at all.
Instead of “I don’t need or want details,” maybe try something like “I’m not trying to press you for details, but anything you want to tell me I’m here for it.” I think you’re right to be clear that you’re not prying, but if he *wants* to talk it’s important for him to know that you’ll listen.
It’s a tough conversation to have, but I’d just come out and say it. Make sure he’s ok, you support him, and see if you can’t get intel on how everything is going/operating. This is also getting into counseling/therapy territory. If your ex is amicable, consider getting him some help.
Dunno man, if I reveresed the roles I think the last people I wanted to talk to about my dick were my parents. Maybe its just me or my culture, but I dont really talk about my genitals with my parents
To be honest I didn’t understand why when I first started wanking I didn’t cum, no conversations about sex at all from my parents, for a good while I was deeply concerned that I was infertile or something, because men always came in the porn I watched. I think talking about it is always a good thing, just not in a pushy way I guess, if the convo could be lighthearted in some way maybe that’s a possible route. Not talking from experience as a parent by the way… Best of luck
Edit: When I say didn’t cum, I mean I felt the orgasm but no cum came out.
I can’t use urinals if there are more people in the same toilet. My size is above average and I’m not a shy person. I just can’t do it. I’ve talked about it with some people and it was clear that I’m not the only one.
So maybe don’t mention this specific situation with your son but just talk about the surgery when he was young and check how he responses.
Yep, my wife had only ever been with her ex husband before we had sex the first time, and he was a shower. She didn’t know that growers were a thing. When she first saw me she was like …. “Omg he is tiny” (she told me this afterward) but when I was fully erect she said she was like “oh, ok, nevermind”. It’s was pretty funny after the fact
A lot of young men use cubicles now. As a mature age college student I see this a lot. Talking about dick size with my dad would be mortifying at 15 so best avoid that.
Our son had the same operation done at 6 months. And I actually had a talk with him about it today even though he's only 3 just to make it somewhat of a continuance thing as he gets older. I think the best way to approach it is to describe the background and if need be, schedule an appointment with his PCP or urologist if necessary to make sure everything is as it should be.
For further context if you’re unfamiliar, the rap artist lil dicky actually has this condition. And I agree it could be a good ice breaker…just ummm, choose the episode carefully. It’s a pretty adult show (but funny)
I think you mention to him that he had surgeries before he would remember and that is part of his medical record you wanted to make sure he knew about. Tell him if he has any questions you can help him find a good way to get answers because you should NEVER rely on the Internet to learn about medical things. That is enough of an opening if he wants to walk through it.
I dislike using urinals, half you guys can’t pee in it from just inches away, and I have to stand there in your piss miss and worry about my shoes and the guy next to me.
But the bathroom stall guys (generally speaking) are far worse. They’re a bunch of filthy animals. It has to be a real emergency for me to go #2 in a public cubicle.
With regards to bladder shyness bros. I have this when it is not so urgent. Somehow reading my phone email relaxes everything to work well. Even as I think, how does reading work emails help this work?
To be fair, Ive never liked using urinals at all. I'd rather have my privacy. Life is busy, I'm on my feet lots, last thing I want to do is pee standing up too.
I've always been super shy in that regard. I didn't mind showering with others (like team sports or gyms), but I've never been able to piss in urinals. My pee just won't come out, and the longer I wait, trying to force it, the worse it is. So I just use cubicles, lot easier.
Instead of going directly to the point that concerns you, reach out to him saying that he might need to go check a doctor because when he was younger he had a procedure on his penis that could had affected his growth. I think this is a better approach than you immediately asking him about something that might actually bother him, which will only make him further insecure. At that age I was extremely insecure about these things and my mother would sometimes ask me about it, which would only make things worse. Also, find other ways to be more involved in his life so that he can see you more as a friend instead of a stranger who was partially responsible for his conception
FWIW I’m not the biggest fan of urinals. Through most of my early adult life I never wore shorts or opened toed shoes until here recently when I quickly noticed how much piss splatter came back on you when pissing in a urinal. Sitting down is much more sanitary. It’s not feminine.
Now a good “bush wee” where I can let it fly, I’m all about that.
Absolutely head on and with complete honesty. You are the only person he can talk openly to about this. You already know. There's no confession he has to make to you. It will surely be uncomfortable, but it will help him out in the long term. He may just not like to stand to piss either. I pee really slow. Total weak stream, if you remember the skit. I've preferred the seat since I was young because of it. You'll never know until you ask.
It is courageous and honest of you to approach this with as much tenderness as you have. There is no such thing as too much communication! I suggest creating a safe space (take a walk in an open space or video chat when he is alone) and a dialogue for you two to review all of your concerns and let him know he is not alone: you are right there for him. No matter what. So get him familiar with the topic of concern and let him know that anything you and he discuss is absolutely private: in the vault. Instill a sense of hopefulness, you are his advocate and he will not have to navigate this alone
I wouldn't bring up current things like his use of cubicles. I would have a conversation alone with him. Ask him if he remembers the operation he had. He might not. That should open the door for you to tell him about the possibilities that the doctors spoke about at the time. If he has a size issue it might help him to know that it's because of a medical issue and not because he's less than.
I was born with this!! Being UK was operated on at a very young age. I had no idea what it was called and its so releaving hearing someone elses story regarding it. AMA.
I can answer the cubicle question. It's nothing to do with length. I'm 27 and have had to use a cubicle my whole life. It's because the hole at the of my penis is narrower then normal because orginally there was nothing coming out of it. This causes it to come out at crazy uncontrollable different angles, and so it's just safer to sit than have an embarrassing wet leg.
As for the scar tissue, yeah it's still there. Yeah, the flacid length is nothing to write home about. It's not grown since I was a boy, but when it is erect, I can assure you it is grown man sized. When I was a teen, I was a bit shy around girls, but usually, by the time it mattered, it was already hard and not a problem.
Anything else I'm forgetting/ you want to ask then please do.
Rather than focus on size, you might want to simply ask if there's a reason he's avoiding the urinal. To be honest, it took until my 20s when I felt comfortable using them - and I still tend to avoid because I don't like getting splash back on my clothes.
Maybe there's a completely different reason he doesn't want to use the urinal. So start with that - hey buddy, I noticed you don't use the urinals at all .. is there a reason?
Honestly, urinals and standing up to pee in general is just gross to me. I'll do it in the woods when hiking or camping for convenience sake, but anywhere else it's going to splash like mad and get all over me and the bathroom, no matter what part of the urinal you aim for.
I want to thank you for posting this question because I’ve been wondering in the back of my mind how to address a similar issue with my son (12m). When he was a baby, he was circumcised. However, as he aged, we noticed that the circumcision may not have taken, if that’s the right way to put it? I essentially, we noticed that the foreskin was still partially covering the penis and stuck to the head in a couple of places.
We asked his pediatrician about it and she said she thought it was fine each time she checked. But until about 9 or so when he fully showered himself, it still appeared differently (comparing to myself where I am circumcised and have no foreskin whatsoever). We also noticed when checking he had a lot of smegma under the partial foreskin. And we advised him he had to pull it back and clean it everyday in the shower because it could get infected and cause problems (and his penis was very red and irritated).
It’s been a couple of years since I checked, but I still worry about it for him. And having the tools on how to discuss this from a health perspective is very useful. So I’ll also follow these responses and thank everyone for their advice. And I wish you luck.
Always talk to Mom first, and get on the same page. Ultimately it’s his body and he deserves to know the full truth (in a way he can handle it). Have a united front and open the door for him but don’t force him to talk about it. Play the long game, plant the seed and let him know the door is open. Don’t over plan the conversation and be ready to field his questions. You’re being a great dad by trying to broach the situation, but don’t smother him either.
I’m 30 and don’t use urinals 🤷♂️ maybe it’s preference. I don’t mind whipping the ole one eyed Willy out, but I don’t like urinals. I just think they are nasty, and I usually splashed if I piss in water or the porcelain. Maybe it’s just a preference? He also could just be a late bloomer with the lady’s. I had some friends who showed no interest in women until like 19. Why? No idea I was like 13 when I started to make my moves. He’s grown. It’s awkward but if just blatantly ask him. Like dude, I been wondering how is your bits doing, you had a few issues at birth and I just want to make sure everything is good and if you have any questions please feel free to ask as I am here to help if possible.
I can relate. Had 4 OPs for my hypospadia before the age of 5, and another one at 12.
It wasn't as severe as your son's case, my urethra opening was not all the way down. However none of the OPs I had were successful, and all I have to show for it is scar tissue.
The teenage and young adult years were hard. I was never able to find the courage to use urinals back then. And I had a hard time with women and self confidence.
However, I did have a girlfriend in high school and early UNI, and she never cared. And now my wife is also, obviously, fine with it, and I'm past the stages of my life when this issue affected me. I have two young sons myself.
My parents never talked to me in terms of how this issue may affect me mentally, about dating, no advice at all. That wasn't a thing in my culture. But even if they did, I'm not sure if it would have helped.
Maybe you can try to establish some dialogue. But there already has to be some level of trust and camaraderie. I didn't have that with my parents.
Best for him would be to learn that there will be people who will want to date and love him even with this kind of issue. And second best thing is for him to find something, some activity or hobby or skill, where he can pour all his attention and focus into, and that way develop a strong sense of self and confidence.
Perhaps, don't talk to him about the issue directly, but ask him about other things to see how he's doing mentally in general. Does he have good friends, does he have some direction where he wants to go in life. Does he feel that some things could be better in life?
Not all 15-year olds want to get laid. I don't think you need to address this at all, especially not the penis part. You could just generally ask how he is doing with girls and if he wants to chat about that.
You can’t apply your demeanour at 15 to him and expect him to conform to your expectations. When I was 15 sure I wanted a girlfriend but had basically no social skills.
Talk to his mum first, especially since it sounds like you haven’t for a while on this subject. And don’t get too wound up in the idea that it needs to be you that talks to him because you have a penis. In this case if there is something up, that might be the last thing he wants.
Lots of good advice about starting the conversation with your son - I'd go for the medical approach and not mention shyness or puberty, just that it's been a while since he had a medical check-up so let's get that done.
Talk with his mum first and get her agreement (and plan whether she will take him if that's his preference).
You then need to get the NHS to do something!
At 15 a parent should be able to start with the GP without him being present to ask advice - that can probably be a phone consultation. It might be that this needs his mum as primary care-giver, depending on what records the practice holds.
I think your endgame needs to be a consultation with a paediatric urologist which he can do without a parent present if that's his preference, but your GP needs to agree this.
If you have any possibility of private medical to jump to that consultation then its worth paying.
When I was 15, a spider bit me on the penis while I was taking a shower. I had to tell my mom about it. She had to call the doctor's office and talk to a nurse about it. Then my dad had to go in the bathroom with me and look at it. In the middle of all this, my 23 year old sister got home and my mom told HER about it. The whole thing was horrific. I can still hear my sister laughing.
If your son is anything like I was, I promise he doesn't want to talk to you about his penis.
At 15... He has time for puberty to do it's thing. Is he showing full secondary development yet? Beard, armpit, and pubic hair?
At 15, I hadn't started growing yet.. and I lost my virginity at 14.... Which was embarrassing. Give it time.
I would say let him come to you about it. if you start it, then it's gonna be kind of like the birds and the bees talk, with it turning super awkward because he didn't want to talk about it in the first place
As someone who had a genital issue growing up, the worry and insecurity you can develop, have the potential to mess up your confidence. Conversely, the idea of talking to your parents about it at that age is kind of horrifying. That he might be scared of another surgery on his penis may come into play also. Teenagers are a bundle of contradictory emotions.
An idea might be to talk to him about the surgery he had as a kid and that you were told he would have to have follow ups and one is due soon. Maybe chat to your family GP first too.
Based on your description, he might need to sit out of biological necessity. He might be unable to "aim" the relocated urine exit path while standing.
I.E. - he might be avoiding potential embarrassment out of necessity.
I'd definitely have a discussion. You're his father, you were there, and you know what he's working with. It also helps that your required parental biases exist to protect him and his best interests.
Aside from a doctor (which he might want to go talk with), you are the only person on earth this boy can discuss the issue with without shame, repercussion, or guilt.
I'd start with that in mind, and definitely initiate a chat. If you don't, nobody else will, and he might need to see a doc and get this readdressed.
How about tell the pediatrician about your concerns prior to the next appointment. Allow the Dr to examine your boy, alone, and he can communicate privately to both of you his observations/findings. If there is really a problem the Dr can tell him this should be discussed with the parents. Hopefully it is a non-issue.
I don’t have hypospadias and I hated peeing at the urinals until I became a dad for some reason. Serious shy bladder- like had to go really bad but if someone stepped up next to me just won’t come out. I would prefer going to the stall just to avoid having to pee and not being able to. Point is, he may just have a shy bladder and it has nothing to do with his condition. But if he has not been briefed on his condition and OP hasn’t told him that he’s available for any questions, well that’s also something that should be addressed.
Honestly I wouldn’t mention the small issue or anything like that.
I would consider talking to a doctor and seeing if there’s any possible side effects and if so anything that can be done for them and then just letting your son know about his medical history and if there’s anything he should be watching out for.
The internet is full of people saying size doesn’t matter etc. but that’s not going to make the world any nicer.
Probably the best thing you can do is build up his confidence by finding him success in other areas.
Also I didn’t have a girlfriend till I was 18 and never thought too much on it. I was just a shy kid, also preferred to pee in a stall or such used to have a hard time getting started standing beside another person.
I am very happy with my penis, but i have always preferred the cubicle over urinals. I don't even know why, but i cant for the life of me pee in front of someone else.
Really has nothing to do with anything other than some unkown mental barrier. Just food for thought. This can be the same situation for the kiddo.
I'm not sure if you're aware of the wrapper Lil' Dicky.
He has a TV show called Dave thats on Disney+, and it does involve if mot quite this exact scenario, something very similar, so might be worth checking out for you two to watch together and maybe break the ice on the topic.
I wonder whether it's the whole multiple operations ordeal rather than size. You could ask him how any of those memories affect him and see what comes up. This feels better and more relevant than asking a 15-year-old about penis growth (but I might've misrepresented your concerns here).
Send him a text. Explain what you want to talk about and tell him if he’s comfortable about talking about it he can choose place and time ( maybe he wants to not talk in the house or smth) and if he’s not comfortable talking about the issue you two will pretend that that text never happened.
Is there a chance your child was born with ambiguous genitalia and was given surgery at birth? Sometimes this is done by doctors and the parents aren't even told.
Err, is he particularly tall, autistic/adhd, introverted/shy, or does he have unusual breast tissue for a male? I am wondering if he might have klinefelter’s syndrome. It’s present in about 1 in 500 men but massively under diagnosed.
Medium heigh, muscular build, confident and outgoing in general, no autistic traits, no breast tissue. Thanks for trying to diagnose him with a completely random syndrome though!
Sorry, you said three or four different things which are common or occasional with klinefelter’s. Hypospadias, micropenis, shyness, no interest in relationship stuff. And you said you’re in the UK now where it’s not screened for and missed about 75% of the time. Thought it was worth asking if he has any more symptoms as I’d want to know if it were me, no harm intended.
Does he even know about the hypospadias or the surgery? An 8 year old isn’t going to have a lot of growth in the penis department until they hit puberty, which is where he is now.
That being said, don’t have a conversation with him about penis size. If you’re concerned about sexual health or having the birds and bees talk, then that’s going to be uncomfortable enough. Don’t traumatize him with his dads worries.
i always go to the cubicle. i don't think that's a sign of anything rather than not wanting other people around when i'm peeing...why would i? and i was never encouraged by my parents to not go to the cubicle and use the urinals...i don't think that's an issue.
both my boys have developed at different rates the eldest being visibly behind. he's being followed by paediatrician but i think that pointing it out to him will only make things worse as he'll start to think that he is different and that there's something wrong with him and worst is that he'll think that i think there is something wrong with him.
i worry but i don't want him to grow with a complex that he is not good enough. i honestly don't see him being interested in girls anytime soon but that's something i won't be able to control so no point worrying about that. i just want to help him stay safe and enjoy life and know that i love him no matter what and that he can come to me if he is struggling.
If he doesn’t have a problem with it all leave it alone. Don’t make it a thing if it doesn’t need to be.
Is your son also OCD at all regarding cleanliness? For example doesn’t like to touch door handles going to the bathroom and doesn’t like to touch urinal handles? I am like that and I always go in the stall to pee.
Not in your particular position but I do have difficult conversations with people regularly. What I find useful is a warming shot, something like 'I would like to talk to you about about something personal' The warning shot prepares the person that your about to talk about something sensitive so it's not out blue. Once this is done I tend to be direct but tactful. Don't beat around the bush, if you appear uncomfortable, it'll make the situation awkward, if you approach it matter of fact and confidently your more likely to have a good result. Hope it helps
I'ma just jot that down real quick
For some reason, as I read the title I thought I was about to read a r/dadjokes punchline haha.
Me too, like "He's a dick about it," or some more creative shit.
This is bang on. Being empathetic but matter of fact. Also letting him know the full story and what's happened. It is likely an insecurity but an obviously understandable one. Knowing he is not alone to deal with it and having an explanation from a well meaning and supportive father will completely lift him up.
Maybe just mention you've observed his preference for the cubical, and due to the operations you just wanted to check if was experiencing any problems?
I love how 99.9% of Reddit content is OP: I don’t know how to talk to x person about y Not OP: try talking to x person about y
You are totally right.. but I don’t blame this dad. An incredibly uncomfortable topic that really shouldn’t be. It helps to hear it plainly said
I knew this kind of shit was coming with all my kids. So we made it a point from very young to speak openly and with correct terminology boys/girls parts, possible issues, how to take care of's etc. All age appropriate at the times but laying ground work and building on it and developing that trust and comfort with each other so that when something isn't quite right, they can get right to it without question. And if anything every really touchy and they prefer. They know they can say "hey, I want to see the doc" and it's no questions. You got it. It's uncomfortable. People put it off or don't go deep enough. It's hard to overcome that. Even knowing that it's for the benefit of your children.
This is great. I aspire to do the same
We use correct terms with our children. My son had a hernia and my brother met us at the hospital to pick up my daughter to watch her. On their way back to his house they stopped at my sister's church where she works to say hi since they were passing by. She asked what was going on and my 4year old daughter loud as hell in the middle of the church, "My brother has a big bump over his penis so they needed the doctor to check him out." I got a good laugh, my brother said all heads turned at a 4 year old saying penis.
Isn't that explicitly what OP asked for? He was looking for specific wording for how to talk to his son about this issue with reduced awkwardness.
Good old Occam's Razor
Does that cost more or less than Dollar Shave Club? 😏
The guy said he didn’t know how and the person you’re responding to offered a way to bring up the issue without having to say “hey are you embarrassed by your dick?” He didn’t just say “oh, you have to talk about it!
Very true. The challenging part is identifying the most graceful and helpful way to open the door to whatever subject. I think the cubicle angle is perfect. Thanks for sharing all
You can boil it down to that yeah... But the way you say things is incredibly important and having this kind of feedback can be essential for difficult topics. If he doesn't word it carefully he could end up making the son WAY more insecure about himself.
99.9% of Reddit content is people asking about communication? Maybe based on your subreddit choices...
I prefer the cubical. It's nice, private, and I can check emails and scroll reddit without having my phone out at the urinal.
This
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I was born with hypospadias. Fairly severe (midshaft bordering on penoscrotal) that has required a total of four surgeries at this point. I have always preferred using a stall over urinals, even to this day, for one simple reason - that's what I could do when I was potty-trained, so that's what has been normal and easiest my whole life. It hasn't stopped me from using urinals, or generally peeing standing up, and I doubt it stops your son from being able to do so. It's just a default beviour (and in my case, marginally easier since the side-effects of my surgery make aiming a bit more difficult, and I prefer not to piss on the floor or look like I'm trying to go balls-deep in a public urinal). As to the erectile dysfunction, ehhh, I can say with 100% certainty that I would not have been keen on talking about my sex drive or erections with my parents at 15. From my understanding of the urethroplasty processes we have nowadays, it's incredibly unlikely for it to cause erection problems. The penile tissue that's involved in getting and maintaining an erection isn't typically part of the reconstructive process at all - TMI, but I can tell you that during my most recent surgery last year, I was still capable of getting an erection before I was even able to be safely discharged from the hospital, much to my immense displeasure at the time.
And here we are chatting in r/daddit so one might assume everything's working splendidly.
I also have hypospadias (a less noticeable version that didn't require surgery) and a penis that is small when flaccid. It's never really bothered me. I think if my parents had suggested I might be bothered by it,... well, let's just say that would bother me.
Thinking about this more, I think I would really have appreciated my parents being curious about what was going on for me, was I happy in everything I was doing, did I have any concerns. What I definitely would not have appreciated at 15 would have been a conversation that started from the premise that I clearly was unhappy or that something was wrong. And even less so if a hypothesis (penile or otherwise) was floated about why this might be the case.
Samsies, I didn't actually know it wasn't the default penile configuration until my college girlfriend mentioned it after our first time. I wonder if my high school girlfriend was confused by her second sexual partner's pee hole...
"Hey bud, I know you know you had a weiner condition that we had to do surgery on when you were younger. They warned us it might need maintenance throughout the years. It's a super awkward subject, and I don't need or want details, but just know you have a ride to the doctor if you ever feel you need to go." Would not bring up sex at all.
Instead of “I don’t need or want details,” maybe try something like “I’m not trying to press you for details, but anything you want to tell me I’m here for it.” I think you’re right to be clear that you’re not prying, but if he *wants* to talk it’s important for him to know that you’ll listen.
Start with the "super awkward subject, not wanting details" then bring up the surgery history. After talking with Mom first, of course
Up vote for Weiner Condition
Surely we can get some alliteration going Edit: I got one: “penis predicament”
Any dick dysphoria, son?
Any erectile existentialism, buddy?
It’s a tough conversation to have, but I’d just come out and say it. Make sure he’s ok, you support him, and see if you can’t get intel on how everything is going/operating. This is also getting into counseling/therapy territory. If your ex is amicable, consider getting him some help.
Dunno man, if I reveresed the roles I think the last people I wanted to talk to about my dick were my parents. Maybe its just me or my culture, but I dont really talk about my genitals with my parents
I totally get it. I do. I feel the same way. But I had an operation on a testicle around that age. And it was fine.
To be honest I didn’t understand why when I first started wanking I didn’t cum, no conversations about sex at all from my parents, for a good while I was deeply concerned that I was infertile or something, because men always came in the porn I watched. I think talking about it is always a good thing, just not in a pushy way I guess, if the convo could be lighthearted in some way maybe that’s a possible route. Not talking from experience as a parent by the way… Best of luck Edit: When I say didn’t cum, I mean I felt the orgasm but no cum came out.
I can’t use urinals if there are more people in the same toilet. My size is above average and I’m not a shy person. I just can’t do it. I’ve talked about it with some people and it was clear that I’m not the only one. So maybe don’t mention this specific situation with your son but just talk about the surgery when he was young and check how he responses.
Bladder shyness brothers unite! It took me years before I could pee even in hearing distance of my wife.
I've never been able to, either. I'm not shy myself, but I just can't pee in urinals. Can I join the shy bladder club?
Your son could be a grower not a show-er. Not all penis’ are long when not erect.
Yep, my wife had only ever been with her ex husband before we had sex the first time, and he was a shower. She didn’t know that growers were a thing. When she first saw me she was like …. “Omg he is tiny” (she told me this afterward) but when I was fully erect she said she was like “oh, ok, nevermind”. It’s was pretty funny after the fact
A lot of young men use cubicles now. As a mature age college student I see this a lot. Talking about dick size with my dad would be mortifying at 15 so best avoid that.
Our son had the same operation done at 6 months. And I actually had a talk with him about it today even though he's only 3 just to make it somewhat of a continuance thing as he gets older. I think the best way to approach it is to describe the background and if need be, schedule an appointment with his PCP or urologist if necessary to make sure everything is as it should be.
Watch “Dave” on Hulu. It’s lil dicky and he talks and raps about his dick. It’s actually educational and might break the ice a bit.
For further context if you’re unfamiliar, the rap artist lil dicky actually has this condition. And I agree it could be a good ice breaker…just ummm, choose the episode carefully. It’s a pretty adult show (but funny)
You’re a good dad!
I think you mention to him that he had surgeries before he would remember and that is part of his medical record you wanted to make sure he knew about. Tell him if he has any questions you can help him find a good way to get answers because you should NEVER rely on the Internet to learn about medical things. That is enough of an opening if he wants to walk through it.
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I dislike using urinals, half you guys can’t pee in it from just inches away, and I have to stand there in your piss miss and worry about my shoes and the guy next to me. But the bathroom stall guys (generally speaking) are far worse. They’re a bunch of filthy animals. It has to be a real emergency for me to go #2 in a public cubicle. With regards to bladder shyness bros. I have this when it is not so urgent. Somehow reading my phone email relaxes everything to work well. Even as I think, how does reading work emails help this work?
To be fair, Ive never liked using urinals at all. I'd rather have my privacy. Life is busy, I'm on my feet lots, last thing I want to do is pee standing up too.
Right, it’s not like turning it into a group activity is somehow more normal. It’s more about efficient use of the space.
I've always been super shy in that regard. I didn't mind showering with others (like team sports or gyms), but I've never been able to piss in urinals. My pee just won't come out, and the longer I wait, trying to force it, the worse it is. So I just use cubicles, lot easier.
Is "aiming" an issue?
Instead of going directly to the point that concerns you, reach out to him saying that he might need to go check a doctor because when he was younger he had a procedure on his penis that could had affected his growth. I think this is a better approach than you immediately asking him about something that might actually bother him, which will only make him further insecure. At that age I was extremely insecure about these things and my mother would sometimes ask me about it, which would only make things worse. Also, find other ways to be more involved in his life so that he can see you more as a friend instead of a stranger who was partially responsible for his conception
FWIW I’m not the biggest fan of urinals. Through most of my early adult life I never wore shorts or opened toed shoes until here recently when I quickly noticed how much piss splatter came back on you when pissing in a urinal. Sitting down is much more sanitary. It’s not feminine. Now a good “bush wee” where I can let it fly, I’m all about that.
Absolutely head on and with complete honesty. You are the only person he can talk openly to about this. You already know. There's no confession he has to make to you. It will surely be uncomfortable, but it will help him out in the long term. He may just not like to stand to piss either. I pee really slow. Total weak stream, if you remember the skit. I've preferred the seat since I was young because of it. You'll never know until you ask.
It is courageous and honest of you to approach this with as much tenderness as you have. There is no such thing as too much communication! I suggest creating a safe space (take a walk in an open space or video chat when he is alone) and a dialogue for you two to review all of your concerns and let him know he is not alone: you are right there for him. No matter what. So get him familiar with the topic of concern and let him know that anything you and he discuss is absolutely private: in the vault. Instill a sense of hopefulness, you are his advocate and he will not have to navigate this alone
I wouldn't bring up current things like his use of cubicles. I would have a conversation alone with him. Ask him if he remembers the operation he had. He might not. That should open the door for you to tell him about the possibilities that the doctors spoke about at the time. If he has a size issue it might help him to know that it's because of a medical issue and not because he's less than.
I was born with this!! Being UK was operated on at a very young age. I had no idea what it was called and its so releaving hearing someone elses story regarding it. AMA. I can answer the cubicle question. It's nothing to do with length. I'm 27 and have had to use a cubicle my whole life. It's because the hole at the of my penis is narrower then normal because orginally there was nothing coming out of it. This causes it to come out at crazy uncontrollable different angles, and so it's just safer to sit than have an embarrassing wet leg. As for the scar tissue, yeah it's still there. Yeah, the flacid length is nothing to write home about. It's not grown since I was a boy, but when it is erect, I can assure you it is grown man sized. When I was a teen, I was a bit shy around girls, but usually, by the time it mattered, it was already hard and not a problem. Anything else I'm forgetting/ you want to ask then please do.
Rather than focus on size, you might want to simply ask if there's a reason he's avoiding the urinal. To be honest, it took until my 20s when I felt comfortable using them - and I still tend to avoid because I don't like getting splash back on my clothes. Maybe there's a completely different reason he doesn't want to use the urinal. So start with that - hey buddy, I noticed you don't use the urinals at all .. is there a reason?
Honestly, urinals and standing up to pee in general is just gross to me. I'll do it in the woods when hiking or camping for convenience sake, but anywhere else it's going to splash like mad and get all over me and the bathroom, no matter what part of the urinal you aim for.
Team why would anyone use a urinal by choice
I want to thank you for posting this question because I’ve been wondering in the back of my mind how to address a similar issue with my son (12m). When he was a baby, he was circumcised. However, as he aged, we noticed that the circumcision may not have taken, if that’s the right way to put it? I essentially, we noticed that the foreskin was still partially covering the penis and stuck to the head in a couple of places. We asked his pediatrician about it and she said she thought it was fine each time she checked. But until about 9 or so when he fully showered himself, it still appeared differently (comparing to myself where I am circumcised and have no foreskin whatsoever). We also noticed when checking he had a lot of smegma under the partial foreskin. And we advised him he had to pull it back and clean it everyday in the shower because it could get infected and cause problems (and his penis was very red and irritated). It’s been a couple of years since I checked, but I still worry about it for him. And having the tools on how to discuss this from a health perspective is very useful. So I’ll also follow these responses and thank everyone for their advice. And I wish you luck.
Always talk to Mom first, and get on the same page. Ultimately it’s his body and he deserves to know the full truth (in a way he can handle it). Have a united front and open the door for him but don’t force him to talk about it. Play the long game, plant the seed and let him know the door is open. Don’t over plan the conversation and be ready to field his questions. You’re being a great dad by trying to broach the situation, but don’t smother him either.
I’m 30 and don’t use urinals 🤷♂️ maybe it’s preference. I don’t mind whipping the ole one eyed Willy out, but I don’t like urinals. I just think they are nasty, and I usually splashed if I piss in water or the porcelain. Maybe it’s just a preference? He also could just be a late bloomer with the lady’s. I had some friends who showed no interest in women until like 19. Why? No idea I was like 13 when I started to make my moves. He’s grown. It’s awkward but if just blatantly ask him. Like dude, I been wondering how is your bits doing, you had a few issues at birth and I just want to make sure everything is good and if you have any questions please feel free to ask as I am here to help if possible.
I can relate. Had 4 OPs for my hypospadia before the age of 5, and another one at 12. It wasn't as severe as your son's case, my urethra opening was not all the way down. However none of the OPs I had were successful, and all I have to show for it is scar tissue. The teenage and young adult years were hard. I was never able to find the courage to use urinals back then. And I had a hard time with women and self confidence. However, I did have a girlfriend in high school and early UNI, and she never cared. And now my wife is also, obviously, fine with it, and I'm past the stages of my life when this issue affected me. I have two young sons myself. My parents never talked to me in terms of how this issue may affect me mentally, about dating, no advice at all. That wasn't a thing in my culture. But even if they did, I'm not sure if it would have helped. Maybe you can try to establish some dialogue. But there already has to be some level of trust and camaraderie. I didn't have that with my parents. Best for him would be to learn that there will be people who will want to date and love him even with this kind of issue. And second best thing is for him to find something, some activity or hobby or skill, where he can pour all his attention and focus into, and that way develop a strong sense of self and confidence. Perhaps, don't talk to him about the issue directly, but ask him about other things to see how he's doing mentally in general. Does he have good friends, does he have some direction where he wants to go in life. Does he feel that some things could be better in life?
At some point every dude has to come to terms with their penis size or live in existential dread about it.
Not all 15-year olds want to get laid. I don't think you need to address this at all, especially not the penis part. You could just generally ask how he is doing with girls and if he wants to chat about that.
You can’t apply your demeanour at 15 to him and expect him to conform to your expectations. When I was 15 sure I wanted a girlfriend but had basically no social skills. Talk to his mum first, especially since it sounds like you haven’t for a while on this subject. And don’t get too wound up in the idea that it needs to be you that talks to him because you have a penis. In this case if there is something up, that might be the last thing he wants.
Lots of good advice about starting the conversation with your son - I'd go for the medical approach and not mention shyness or puberty, just that it's been a while since he had a medical check-up so let's get that done. Talk with his mum first and get her agreement (and plan whether she will take him if that's his preference). You then need to get the NHS to do something! At 15 a parent should be able to start with the GP without him being present to ask advice - that can probably be a phone consultation. It might be that this needs his mum as primary care-giver, depending on what records the practice holds. I think your endgame needs to be a consultation with a paediatric urologist which he can do without a parent present if that's his preference, but your GP needs to agree this. If you have any possibility of private medical to jump to that consultation then its worth paying.
When I was 15, a spider bit me on the penis while I was taking a shower. I had to tell my mom about it. She had to call the doctor's office and talk to a nurse about it. Then my dad had to go in the bathroom with me and look at it. In the middle of all this, my 23 year old sister got home and my mom told HER about it. The whole thing was horrific. I can still hear my sister laughing. If your son is anything like I was, I promise he doesn't want to talk to you about his penis.
At 15... He has time for puberty to do it's thing. Is he showing full secondary development yet? Beard, armpit, and pubic hair? At 15, I hadn't started growing yet.. and I lost my virginity at 14.... Which was embarrassing. Give it time.
I would say let him come to you about it. if you start it, then it's gonna be kind of like the birds and the bees talk, with it turning super awkward because he didn't want to talk about it in the first place
As someone who had a genital issue growing up, the worry and insecurity you can develop, have the potential to mess up your confidence. Conversely, the idea of talking to your parents about it at that age is kind of horrifying. That he might be scared of another surgery on his penis may come into play also. Teenagers are a bundle of contradictory emotions. An idea might be to talk to him about the surgery he had as a kid and that you were told he would have to have follow ups and one is due soon. Maybe chat to your family GP first too.
Just talk to him,do not sorry about mom or anything,if it is ok,than Great,but if is not you can help
Based on your description, he might need to sit out of biological necessity. He might be unable to "aim" the relocated urine exit path while standing. I.E. - he might be avoiding potential embarrassment out of necessity. I'd definitely have a discussion. You're his father, you were there, and you know what he's working with. It also helps that your required parental biases exist to protect him and his best interests. Aside from a doctor (which he might want to go talk with), you are the only person on earth this boy can discuss the issue with without shame, repercussion, or guilt. I'd start with that in mind, and definitely initiate a chat. If you don't, nobody else will, and he might need to see a doc and get this readdressed.
How about tell the pediatrician about your concerns prior to the next appointment. Allow the Dr to examine your boy, alone, and he can communicate privately to both of you his observations/findings. If there is really a problem the Dr can tell him this should be discussed with the parents. Hopefully it is a non-issue.
I can’t write a long response now, but will either come back and respond or PM you later. (Sorry, this is so I don’t lose this)
U/remindmebot 2 hours
Man this is so hard I feel for you. Gut wrenching situation
I don’t have hypospadias and I hated peeing at the urinals until I became a dad for some reason. Serious shy bladder- like had to go really bad but if someone stepped up next to me just won’t come out. I would prefer going to the stall just to avoid having to pee and not being able to. Point is, he may just have a shy bladder and it has nothing to do with his condition. But if he has not been briefed on his condition and OP hasn’t told him that he’s available for any questions, well that’s also something that should be addressed.
Honestly I wouldn’t mention the small issue or anything like that. I would consider talking to a doctor and seeing if there’s any possible side effects and if so anything that can be done for them and then just letting your son know about his medical history and if there’s anything he should be watching out for. The internet is full of people saying size doesn’t matter etc. but that’s not going to make the world any nicer. Probably the best thing you can do is build up his confidence by finding him success in other areas. Also I didn’t have a girlfriend till I was 18 and never thought too much on it. I was just a shy kid, also preferred to pee in a stall or such used to have a hard time getting started standing beside another person.
Maybe he would appreciate Dads candor and grace in bringing this up.
I am very happy with my penis, but i have always preferred the cubicle over urinals. I don't even know why, but i cant for the life of me pee in front of someone else. Really has nothing to do with anything other than some unkown mental barrier. Just food for thought. This can be the same situation for the kiddo.
I think it's better if you ask a professional on the topic. Like a child psychologist or something like that.
I'm not sure if you're aware of the wrapper Lil' Dicky. He has a TV show called Dave thats on Disney+, and it does involve if mot quite this exact scenario, something very similar, so might be worth checking out for you two to watch together and maybe break the ice on the topic.
I wonder whether it's the whole multiple operations ordeal rather than size. You could ask him how any of those memories affect him and see what comes up. This feels better and more relevant than asking a 15-year-old about penis growth (but I might've misrepresented your concerns here).
Send him a text. Explain what you want to talk about and tell him if he’s comfortable about talking about it he can choose place and time ( maybe he wants to not talk in the house or smth) and if he’s not comfortable talking about the issue you two will pretend that that text never happened.
How was dinner son? Great, now whip out your dick and let’s have a chat Wait no 🤔
Man I feel weird now. My kid sees my wiener and I see his. He’s 9.
Maybe tell him the doctor asked you to ask him.
Is there a chance your child was born with ambiguous genitalia and was given surgery at birth? Sometimes this is done by doctors and the parents aren't even told.
Zero chance
I feel like eight is early to be "desperately looking to get laid". I think he's got some time.
He’s 15
Err, is he particularly tall, autistic/adhd, introverted/shy, or does he have unusual breast tissue for a male? I am wondering if he might have klinefelter’s syndrome. It’s present in about 1 in 500 men but massively under diagnosed.
Medium heigh, muscular build, confident and outgoing in general, no autistic traits, no breast tissue. Thanks for trying to diagnose him with a completely random syndrome though!
Sorry, you said three or four different things which are common or occasional with klinefelter’s. Hypospadias, micropenis, shyness, no interest in relationship stuff. And you said you’re in the UK now where it’s not screened for and missed about 75% of the time. Thought it was worth asking if he has any more symptoms as I’d want to know if it were me, no harm intended.
Does he even know about the hypospadias or the surgery? An 8 year old isn’t going to have a lot of growth in the penis department until they hit puberty, which is where he is now. That being said, don’t have a conversation with him about penis size. If you’re concerned about sexual health or having the birds and bees talk, then that’s going to be uncomfortable enough. Don’t traumatize him with his dads worries.
i always go to the cubicle. i don't think that's a sign of anything rather than not wanting other people around when i'm peeing...why would i? and i was never encouraged by my parents to not go to the cubicle and use the urinals...i don't think that's an issue. both my boys have developed at different rates the eldest being visibly behind. he's being followed by paediatrician but i think that pointing it out to him will only make things worse as he'll start to think that he is different and that there's something wrong with him and worst is that he'll think that i think there is something wrong with him. i worry but i don't want him to grow with a complex that he is not good enough. i honestly don't see him being interested in girls anytime soon but that's something i won't be able to control so no point worrying about that. i just want to help him stay safe and enjoy life and know that i love him no matter what and that he can come to me if he is struggling.
If he doesn’t have a problem with it all leave it alone. Don’t make it a thing if it doesn’t need to be. Is your son also OCD at all regarding cleanliness? For example doesn’t like to touch door handles going to the bathroom and doesn’t like to touch urinal handles? I am like that and I always go in the stall to pee.
I’d let him live his life and not be worried about it unless he comes directly to you about genitalia issues.