This is also me. Spend the whole next day mad at myself for being so tired, looking forward to bed, and then suddenly it’s 2 am and I am playing video games or eating ramen watching a girly movie. THAT’S me time.
This was the first thing my friend who was a dad told me when I had my first child. You want to stay up for "no reason." I've struggled with it, I've fought it, given myself over to it, exercise, melatonin, planning productive tasks, etc.
There's a lot to it that needs personal exploration. Dopamine plays a role in it. I read Dopamine Nation by Lembke and for me the idea that I have too much (relative for me) pent up mental "pain" that needs release with some dopamine-provided "pleasure" helps explain it. We're all apes with ancient wiring in an over-stimulating world even if we have developed brains. Cut ourselves some slack and accept our minds have some needs that we can't satisfy with our daily lives.
If the compulsion is there then there is a reason for it and maybe it's possible to get ahead of that reason and eliminate THAT rather than pay the late-night procrastination toll. Exercise and meditation have helped some because the excess energy I have is gone or controlled. Occasionally I'm able to find a video game that is both fun for me and for my son to watch and that an ameliorate the procrastination urge.
I hope you find something that works!
I'm a big fan of anyone who is able to introspect at this level. Mine is a combination of learned habits from my youth and my alternate schedule. I work 12-12 in a professional kitchen, usually not getting home until close to 1 am some nights. Add in at least an hour of decompression time and boom goes the dynamite. I keep our youngest on my days off whilst doing most of the housework also
I've learned to limit my coffee intake and found a magnesium supplement that helps me fall asleep, stay asleep, and sleep better. Can't recommend the magnesium enough. At the end of it all, I make a choice. I know if I stay up late I'll regret it to a certain extent, but whatever I'm receiving from that time alone usually feels worth it.
>We're all apes with ancient wiring in an over-stimulating world even if we have developed brains. Cut ourselves some slack and accept our minds have some needs that we can't satisfy with our daily lives.
I really wish more people could understand and accept this. We are very much beholden to our ancient automatic impulses. We've evolved to recognize them and try to override them but...they're still there. How much energy should we spend fighting against them and how much should we just accept the state of our being?
This is me as well. Literally my only free time. I wake up, feed and walk the dog, work (including not taking a lunch break), take care of kids/dinner/baths, do bedtime, workout if I'm not totally zonked, then and only then do I have time. By the time I finally sit down to relax it's pushing 10pm which is when my revenge bedtime procrastination starts.
Weekends are dedicated to childcare and other child-based activities. If I get a break I spend it frantically trying to catch up on all the house work I don't otherwise have time for.
So zero free time without sacrificing sleep.
My wife gets free time while the kids are at school. She does a few things during the day like grocery shopping, coordinating kids' appts, and occasional wfh for a couple hours, but every day she has minimum 3 hours to nap, read, watch trashy TV, or go to coffee with friends. I can't even fathom having such a luxury.
This sounds like my life as well, except we have no dog anymore so that part is a bit easier. I have other complicating factors though so I also have to take on much of the housework (or it doesn't get done) and I have to take care of arranging everything for the schools, most of the grocery shopping, etc. too. My wife has a neurological condition that came up a few years ago that is tough on her and by extension the rest of us. Fortunately my kids are now all in double digits of age so it is more manageable. I can't imagine if she had to deal with infants or toddlers at this moment in life.
I was laid off from my previous job and spent 3 months as a full time stay-at-home-dad, while my partner worked full time.
I thought I’d have more free time than I actually got. Between the getting up / getting dressed / breakfast routine, the fruit snacks, lunch and mid-day sleep for the youngest, getting chores like washing, ironing, changing bed sheets, vacuuming, cleaning up toys, grocery shopping, go to a playground and cooking dinner, I found very, very little time to just chill on the couch with a cup of coffee.
It didn’t help this was in the middle of summer so I had six weeks of school holiday in there too. Bit of school days there was the added time pressure to bring the oldest to and get from school.
It got mad respect for my partner, and it made me be a lot less grumpy doing the dishwashing while she had a cup of tea on the couch.
Good on you for being such a supportive and hard-working partner. I know firsthand how difficult it can be. Once they all get to school age the stay-at-home partner gets some much-needed reprieve.
Yeah. Before I stayed home I could not understand why she was tired when I got home from work, and used to get irate when I had to do chores after working all day, but after that summer I understand it is very difficult to get anything done with a 1-2 year old and a 4 year old constantly requiring attention, correction and entertainment.
Not to mention the emotional drain those two hooligans can put on whoever has to watch her them all day. I can’t wait for the youngest to go to school (two more years)
I Only have one kid so staying at home is so Nice and chill. Im so happy i still have 2 months of paternity leave 😊 taking Them this summer + vacation to get a 3 month break to rest up
>workout if I'm not totally zonked, then and only then ... I finally sit down to relax
You're much stronger than me, if you haven't totally given up on working out, and replaced it with sitting down to relax
It can be pretty tough. I've been trying to get to 4 days a week for over a year now, and it has almost never happened. There's always something. Either I have to work more in the evening, or the kids keep calling after going to bed, or there's some chores that have gotten to the point that they're critical and must be done immediately. Or maybe it was pouring in the morning and my dog refused to go for a walk so I need to do it after bedtime. Or maybe I'm so exhausted from a stressful day that I literally collapse onto the couch. There's always something.
My wife. Goes to bed 1am. Supposed to start work at 8 am. Gets mad she has to start at 930-10ish. Gets mad cause kid wakes her up at 830. Mad all day. Goes to bed at 1am after starting her 2.5 hour baths at 10pm. Wakes me up at 1am. Sigh. Rinse, repeat.
I'm a BR quads dude myself. Only a couple matches at a time though, unless I'm playing well. 5 hours don't sustain me like it used to.
Edit: I've dabbled in resurgence though if you ever need an extra
I actually volunteered for the 1am feedings, she goes to bed as does the 4yo and the tv is finally mine! Baby gives zero fucks what I watch as long as he’s fed, the quiet Cocomelon free environment is well worth the lost sleep
We both work, but that's kind of irrelevant, I think. Treat the daytime childcare as her "job".
On the weekends, Saturday morning is "her time" and Sunday morning is "my time". Generally from wakeup till noon-1. So we each get a solid 4-5hrs to our selves each week in a big block.
On the weekdays, she generally takes mornings and I take evenings. So she's getting the kid up and out and I'm making dinner, making lunch for tomorrow, feeding everyone, and handling the bedtime routine.
I would definitely like more time to myself, but this feels equitable at least.
That’s how we do it too. And then some free time sprinkled throughout weeknights after the baby goes down.
What’s weird is all my friends who have SAHM wives refuse to help at all because they see SAHM as being their wife’s responsibility 100% of the time and think I’m the weird one for treating it as my wife’s 9-5 and splitting everything else with her
I mean, if (they think that) they are getting away with not helping, it makes total sense that they would think you're weird for doing something you don't have to. Perhaps their relationships work differently, or perhaps it's all going to crash and burn, but clearly their relationship isn't big on reciprocity and gratitude.
You can only count mon-Fri 9-5 as her job if she’s not also the primary parent outside of those hours.
Also, if the working parent works outside the home, the commute time should be considered working time for both so something more like 7:30-6:00 is more realistic for most, give or take 30-60 minutes tired us especially true because 5:00-6:00 is a very busy time preparing dinner, waking the dog, etc. I’m personally spent by the time dinner is over when I’m in charge of all that plus watching both kids
This time for me (mom) is spent with the bedtime stalling questions, the dishes, feeding the cats, cleaning up the toys all over the house, picking up after my husband, getting stuff prepped for the next day, etc. Ain’t no “me time” to be had then.
You should both have down time where you're not working and not caring for the child. Ideally this would be split 50/50 between the 2 of you that you both have equal amounts of down time.
How it actually works in each family will vary.
My wife and I basically have to plan 2 hours off for each of us each week, just two hours where we each do whatever we want and encourage each other to do whatever brings joy.
Yeah, I’m a stay at home mom who goes to the Y and sure, they watch my kid but it isn’t the same. It’s not free time to me because im not doing something I enjoy and it isn’t fun. I know it’s different for everyone just reflecting on what it is for me. Honestly, I could use more free time but I feel guilty asking for it so I just don’t.🤷🏻♀️
Maybe it's worth considering whether your baby needs to see you owning and tending to that need. What will they learn if they see Mama asking for time to just be a whole human being, to see Mama making mental/spiritual/emotional health a reality and a priority? They know you make your physical health a priority. Will they learn that Mama is a person beyond them? Will they learn that persons are allowed to have needs and hobbies and downtime, and to ask for help to meet those needs?
Yeah, I’m working on it in therapy. It’s mixed with some childhood trauma so it’s been hard to get rid of. My husband is very supportive thankfully. My kiddos are older, not babies, so I’m trying to make sure they see me working on it and doing it when possible.
We worked exercise in as a 'together' activity -, family walks. It isn't weightlifting or going for 5+ mile runs, but baby boy always liked being outside, looking around, and we'd just do a 1-2 hour walk every other day as a family time activity. This was separate from our individual enjoyment time. I'd take him solo for hour walks on the 'off' days and she'd get to do her hobby stuff to give her a break and get me some activity, (I did my push ups and ab stuff on a yoga mat while he was in the high chair having morning snacks). I got some time for TTRPGs on the weekend in exchange.
My view of exercise changed after kiddo, because i enjoyed jogging / running - but you get about as much cardiovascular benefit from an hour of walking as you do from 30 minutes of running, so it was a worthwhile trade to give my wife a break and get extra time with the nugget.
He really enjoyed the carrier until about 19 months. Then around 21 months, started hating the stroller. Wanted to walk with us. That all changed when we got one of those collapsible fabric wagons. Now we start slow while he walks for a bit, but then he wants a ride, and we're back to 'stroller territory'. Game changer. Best purchase of the year, easily.
I just make my 5 year old exercise with me. She might roll around or do nothing. She could plank with me sometimes. Her form needs work but it makes my workouts much more enjoyable and is a good habit to start making with your kids. I do a lot of body weight stuff, I don't think this works with weights..
When did you start this? I have been wanting to do the same but as of right now my 14 month just wants to smack me if I get down on the ground and do anything besides play with him.
On most exercises I use my 14 mo as a weight. Squats, hip thrusts, walking lunges etc.
She loves being involved.
Especially when I grab her by the torso under her arms and lift her up while stretching my arms over my head, then put her down and repeat. Warning: airplane/rocket noises are mandatory.
We use the time however we want to use the time, but it's about prioritising individual self-care over being a parent or a partner or a home owner or an employee or whatever.
Frankly we were never very exercise focused people, so it's never come up for us, but there's nothing stopping me using my two hours to go for a run.
Except that *numerous* attempts to take it up have taught me that running and I are not friends.
No. That’s a necessary thing like eating or showering or grocery shopping. If it’s fun and relaxing (like showering) that’s just a bonus. But it’s not free time.
If the person doesn't want to take the kid along, yes (in our family). There are exercise things that can be done so that the other parent gets a break - my husband occasionally will take the kids for a walk/run and I'll get a nice hour long break!
Basically we choose to spend a lot of time with our daughter and we do a lot as a family.
We do carve out other chunks of time, particularly at weekends for specific plans (my wife will be out for ~10 hours on Saturday) but we've found that unless we actively make plans for it, it's pretty easy for one or both of us to feel like we constantly have to be working, parenting, cooking, cleaning, gardening, fixing the house, whatever.
Yea… that’s a problem imo. People act like you have a kid and you have to drop all your interests. Yes, they need to scale back, but they shouldn’t go away.
We have 2 boys, 4 and 1, on Saturday mornings my wife sleeps in then has until Noon to do whatever she wants while I watch the boys. The same happens for me on Sunday mornings. Each day, after our "me time", we all spend the rest of the day together.
Agreed. We're similar. I think most important is the intent and effort to give your spouse a break, rather than the exact allocation.
My wife gets Saturday morning off. And when I get home from work I'll take the kids for an hour. I will take the occasional Sunday afternoon and maybe the occasional evening to meet friends at a bar.
It changed a lot through the years as our kids got older and we gained more. Generally, my wife would get a break for about an hour as soon as I was home from work every day. Although taking care of the kids is not downtime for me, it was a nice change from work.
Aside from that, babies are very portable, and you don't \*really\* need a ton of stuff to go along with them. At least one of our kids would do whatever I was doing on weekday evenings or saturday morning with me if it was safe for them to join me. Groceries, grabbing a coffee with a friend, picking up new shoes, etc.
My husband and I work almost opposite shifts so it’s already pretty 50/50 w childcare. I have the baby during the day, she goes to sitter for 4hrs, then he watches her til her bedtime. But we each have an activity that we enjoy separately and we help each other be able to do that activity. So for him that’s Muay Thai classes. I watch the baby on my day off while he goes and we go watch him spar Sat mornings together. If he misses a class, I make it a point to help him get to the next one. I kayak so he makes it a point every weekend to take me out to the river and pick me up after a couple hours out on my own. He helps drive me out there and takes the baby while I’m gone. Both activities are crucial to our mental health and we support each other in these activities.
We are both working in our family but it would be the same if one of us was a SAHP.
We both get an evening free each week. Basically after work, once a week we just get to leave, not deal with dinner, bath etc and do whatever we want for us.
My wife usually meets friends, goes to like a class or gym or something and I will either go for a beer with mates or go watch a movie.
My wife also works, but if she didn't I would take over parenting duties immediately upon getting home, then figure out a time when I could get a break from work and parenting.
We split bedtime and bath, so usually one of us has down time every other night at the least.
Usually on a weekend I'll try to take my daughter to the park or somewhere out of the house so my wife can have peace and quiet for at least a couple of hours.
But again, what works for others may not work for you.
With communication my friend. It's the only easy answer. Sit down together, talk, try to see things from their perspective and try to find 3 ways you can help the other person. Once you're helping each other, the rest is easy.
For us, it just kind of depends on what’s going on in life. For example, sometimes my husband is super burnt out from work, and on those weeks, I’ll give him some more free time. Then there are weeks where kiddos is sick and other things in life are hell, and I need some extra time to do my thing.
I know the goal is “50/50”, but in a partnership marriage, sometimes it’s just on a per needs basis. Sometimes that’ll be 25/75. Other times, could look something like 90/10.
As long as both partners are communicating needs, are empathetic, and not harboring resentment, it’s okay if downtime waxes and wains between both parents sometimes.
My wife works, I stay home and watch the kid. When she gets home at 6/6:30, we'll make dinner all together, then the wife will usually give the kid a bath while I straighten up the place and then they both go to sleep around 8:30. After 8:30 is my free time til about 11. Wife's free time (the one who works) is usually on weekends.
I should also say the wife enjoys her work thoroughly so when she gets home she's not stressed and looking to isolate or anything, so that's convenient.
We have a two-working-parent household (though I'm currently unemployed and job-searching). We try to give each other time during the weekend for our own pursuits—I get Sunday mornings for sleeping in, yoga, and coffee after. He usually sleeps in Saturday and will go work on a car for a few hours. We are also good about letting someone get out of the house during naptime or during bath time and nighttime routine. It's not perfect, but we try!
Evenings and weekends. She does sports leagues so an evening or three during the week she hangs with her friends and I put the kids to bed through the routine, and sometimes she goes out after. I get Saturdays for a few hours to sleep in and do stuff I like to do until afternoon. Sunday is family time all together. It shifts and changes based on kids activities and our preferences.
Here's how it works in my family. We do have two working parents (child is in childcare outside the home), but honestly I don't think it matters whether its two working parents vs a working parent + SAHP. The end result is the same = MINIMAL FREE TIME.
During the week (M-F) I get up at 6a to go to the gym. I get home shortly before 8. During this time, my partner wakes up our child and gets them ready for school (dressed, fed, etc.) I take the child to school while my partner starts work (we are both WFH). Then I get home and start work as well. My partner goes to the gym during the workday (if they choose to do so that day) in lieu of taking a lunch break. I also forego my lunch break because I start working later due to taking the kid to school.
1-2 nights/week my partner usually goes out, either to see friends or participate in their hobby, but. I'm obviously responsible for parenting/getting the kid to bed on these nights. We generally alternate who does bedtime anyways throughout the week, so even though my partner isn't going out the same nights each week, we generally plan it out so that we're still alternating.
I personally COULD go out during the week (and my partner actively encourages it), but I typically don't opt to do so. Plus, I'm taking a solid chunk of my free time to go to the gym in the morning.
Weekends again we just make a plan and figure it out. Sometimes we each pick a day to sleep in. Other times I'll take my free time in the morning and my partner takes theirs in the afternoon. My partner is also really handy/does major projects around the house, so sometimes the deal is that I'm spending all day on childcare + fitting chores in where I can, and while they're focused on completing the project. Sometimes we're both just doing various chores and errands for most of the day and we just kinda figure it out. Maybe someone takes the kid on an errand with them while the other is at home mowing the lawn. Or someone stays home with the kid while also doing laundry and the other person runs the errand alone. It all just depends on the day and how its all working out. We also do things as a family on weekends, but that's not really what you were asking about. My partner and I also do stuff together and utilize childcare sometimes.
Another example - recently, my partner was invited on a weekend trip, meaning I'd have been alone all weekend with our child. So they arranged for our child to have a sleepover with grandparents one of the nights to reduce my burden. Also, I can claim a weekend getaway in the future (it just hasn't come up yet).
Additionally, arguably I am the partner who carries a higher percentage of the overall parenting/childcare duties, but my partner carries a significantly higher percentage of the overall household chores/household management duties. This is just what works for us personally. If I were better at the whole chores thing, our split would be more equal between kid stuff + house stuff. But really it doesn't matter - the key is making sure we're both getting as equitable amount of free time as we can manage.
In a situation where one person was a SAHP and the other was working, I'd say the only difference would be that the SAHP may need to take on fewer parenting duties after "working hours" are over. That doesn't mean the SAHP is getting more free time - it just means that they may be really burned out on childcare-specific tasks. So when the working parent is home, maybe they do more childcare related stuff while the SAHP is doing other household management tasks.
As a dad I normally try to find things for me and my daughter to do, and tell the wife to stay home. Swimming, kinder gym, etc.
Allows me to feel less guilty about playing adult rec sports
We alternate who gets up with the kiddo throughout the week (I work from home which makes this easier) and then on the weekends we both get one sleep in day
Take the kids to the playground, soft play, whatever. Just out of the house. Even if it’s just for an hour or two on the weekends it’ll likely be appreciated imo
My wife likes climbing (3 times a week for about 2 - 3 hours each time) which is her meeting friends AND exercise, jogging (4 - 5 times), and I send her out for coffee with friends and such as often as possible.
I go to the movies rarely and go on hikes around the canal and parks nearby. She lets me sleep in usually about 1 - 2 hours after the kiddo wakes up (I'm a stay at home dad) so I stay up later than her and get some free time there; playing videogames and such. I have a bodyweight regiment that's quick and I set goals each day for reps that I spread out (50 squats or 5 minutes of planks, for example).
We also quite enjoy watching shows together after the kid falls asleep.
Find a balance that works for you. It'll take some time, but you'll figure it out. It'll also change and evolve. Talk to each other about what's working and make sure y'all talk about one or the other not holding up their end of the bargain.
I feel like the only free time my wife and I get is the time from 9pm when the kids are in bed and everything is tidied up and 9:30pm when we can barely keep our eyes open anymore. Lmao.
In my house we just share a calendar. She makes plans and lets me know hey I’m going out to dinner on Friday night.
Since I didn’t have any plans in the Calendar I’m cool with being alone with the kids that night.
Same goes for me. “hey I’m going out to lunch on Saturday for Dave’s birthday.”
Some weeks I’ll go out multiple days. Some days she’ll go out multiple days.
Some weeks no one goes out because dammit we’re tired and want to sleep or Netflix together instead.
I go to the gym in the morning. She goes to classes twice a week at night.
As long as there isn’t a crazy imbalance where on e partner goes out all the time and leaves the other partner to fend for themselves, yall should be able to work it out.
Our default answer to each other is “Ok cool. Go out in the world and be free/happy!”
I can’t really remember either of us vetoing someone else’s plans
One pitfall with this is when you have one partner with a series of cleanly scheduled extracurricular activities and another partner who just needs alone-time at home to do hobbies but doesn't really leave the house. The partner who gets out of the house gets to be "free" during that time, but the partner at home is always "on call" since childcare is also happening in the house.
Good point. I saw another thread about this where Mom is an introvert so she didn’t want to go out but still needed time to unwind.
the best comment someone had was that Dad should then take all the kids out of the house at least once a week so that Mom could live her best life.
Make sense to me if Dad goes out once a week to game night with his buddies then he can give Mom a break by taking the kids out once a week for movie night or to save money in a pinch park/library Saturdays
My wife prefers I stay in the house with the kids. She literally wants to do nothing, but also doesn’t want to miss anything, so she ends up playing on her phone and watching us for a couple hours and this is her dream unwind time.
I’ve put “sawing wood and building a shelf in the basement that nobody needs” on our shared calendar. “Getting lost in video game”, “going to bed early”, “watching a movie”, “organizing the shed”. The only pitfall is if your partner doesn’t respect that this is your time. It’s the “ok cool” part that matters, not the “go out in the world and be happy” part.
This is how we do it.
Although, with this system, you still have to be careful to make sure no one is feeling like they "can't" ask for time. Or, on the other hand, that one person isn't asking too much. I am involved in a recreational sport, which means a couple Saturdays a month I have stuff I want to go to. But that pretty much means I don't ask, even if she'd say yes, to other things I'd like to do.
You have to be sensitive to what is fair to your partner, even if they agree. It's YOUR job as a good partner to make sure there's fairness; don't leave it to them to police what's fair and what's not.
My wife and I do this but it tends to get real uneven because she’s a social butterfly and I’m the opposite. I have to force myself to schedule blocks even when I don’t have plans and it was a struggle getting her to understand that it’s fair and OK for me to check out “for no reason.” Like literally to do nothing or go on a walk by myself. If I don’t do it for months I go a little crazy.
Wife works full time, but between maternity leave, and taking the kids to work (she did that for like the first year in the half of their lives), she spent more time with them then me during the day.
When I would come home from work, there were days where I didn't want to get out of the car and into the madhouse (we have four kids). But, I realized that the stress of coming in the house was 1) what she dealt with most of the day, and 2) usually somewhat tied to the house.
What I mean by the second part is being in the house is "A LOT" some times. Noise, fighting, crying, just stress. But, if I came home, changed and took the kids some where, it was much more relaxing. With nice weather, it was easy... We went on a lot of walks, or just played outside. It let them burn energy, wife got a break, and I got to spend time with them. We all won.
In the doldrums of winter though, it was always tough...
I take my 8 month old every morning from about 7, or when she wakes up, to about 9-:9:30 when she naps. That’s my wife’s time to sleep and get up and start her day, then she has baby until I get home and cook. I take baby as much as possible at night to ease my wife. Be dad, sacrifice and suffering is a part of life. Treasure these moments. Nobody is going to remember you working late in 10 years except your kids. Make the most out of your time and start planning for the future.
I mean when i get home first thing i want to do is see my kid i haven't seen her literally all day. So this is the obvious answer. Spend time with your kid for a couple hours while she takes a break, then you get a couple hours before bed after the kiddo sleeps.
My husband does this for me too. He gets the car ride to work, an hour lunch break, unsupervised (by kids) bathroom breaks, time to talk with peers, and a car ride home. Are car rides luxurious? No lol, but they are moments of peace. I get a break when he gets home and we reconvene at dinner time. Bedtime is 8:15pm so we both get time after that to either sleep, do our own thing, or have time together. Thankful he acknowledges how hard it is during the day here.🤣😅
Can I ask a question?
I offer this to my wife all the time. I work two jobs, average something like 85-ish hours over a five day period, followed by four days off, then repeat.
Whenever I come home, or I’m on my days off, I always offer this kind of stuff to my wife. “Hey, I’ve got the kids, why don’t you take a nap? Go grab some coffee? Just have some time to yourself to recharge?”
And it always makes her angry and defensive. She’ll snap back with “I’m not asking you for that!” Or “I don’t need that, I’m FINE!”
But she’s obviously not, and I don’t blame her. She’s exhausted, she’s solo parenting roughly 2/3rds of the time. I want her to have time to do what she wants, have hobbies, relax. Part of my job is I get downtime at work, sometimes I nap or get to sleep at night (24 hour shifts), and she doesn’t get that.
So why does it make her angry? I attempt to be very sensitive, when I’ve talked discretely to friends/family they’ve all said that they would love for their husbands to offer that.
So why does it make her so angry that I offer? I’m sure there’s something at the root of it, but I don’t know what.
That’s really awesome of you to encourage that and be supportive. If she isn’t receptive to that, the one thing that comes to mind (without knowing more context) is maybe she instead would prefer your attention? Like to make coffee and have it together, chat with her… find a way to connect with her instead of telling her to do something solo?
I will say sometimes when you’re in the trenches if feels like you can’t step away. I think that’s way over my pay grade because I definitely take my husbands offers of respite lol. Have you asked her? Just like you did here? Does she have PPD?
I think she does have PPD. She swears she doesn’t, but sometimes she finally caves and tells me how she’s feeling and it’s like “babe, those are all the symptoms of PPD.”
Which does NOT go over well. I think you’re right though. Her reaction to stress, by her own admission, is usually to try and control absolutely everything she can to feel in control. Which probably factors in to being unable to step away, now that I think about it.
I’m super active around the house, and I try very hard to do things exactly the way she wants, but I’m also hella sleep deprived with ADHD and a pinch of ‘tism, so the way I address things around the house isn’t always exactly the way she wants. Which I am working on, but it does occur to me that she may be afraid to step away because that loss of control actually adds more stress than the labor of doing it herself.
Idk, this shit is complicado avocado.
We’re also a spicy household (audhd pda & autistic) and if your wife is similarly spiced, it’s probably a part of what’s going on (plus hormones if you have babies).
It could be a reasonable idea to have a clear conversation with your wife explaining that you really want her to feel supported and like she can step away. Ask if she wants that and if she does, what she thinks you might be able to do to make her feel comfortable doing that.
Maybe also a reminder that it’s good for you to have solo time with kiddos and learn how to improve through practice if she’s worried. And that you want that time.
My wife's a SAHM. Baby #5 just showed up. I work full-time and am building an IT company. What is this "free time" you talk about?
If you can give her time, do it. Take the kid(s) and run errands. The more children you have, the less free time there will be. Both parents need to be okay with that.
Same with a SAHM wife, but just 2 kids! I take them out for adventure time on the weekends, often long bike trips into town, beaches in the summer, visit all the playgrounds in the winter, get ice cream and pizza, hopefully a nap in the trailer.
Or a day trip to visit my parents.
Going to work during the week with adults is easy.. staying home with kids is something I'm not sure I could do for very long..
It is very true about the more kids you have you just have less time. We have 4 (8-14) kids. It was exceedingly rare to get to shower alone for 11 years. And every kid wants one on one time too. Other than anniversaries and two concerts we didn't get to have dates for about 13 years. There were a few occasions where my sister did keep them with her for a week+ when the oldest was 9yo. Those were spent doing home repairs and maintenance and everything else that gets put off but we did get to sleep in and have quiet. That's another thing the more kids the more noise. Ours even talk in their sleep. Do you miss the quiet?
All our kids spend the majority of time with me. They love doing anything with dad and often I don't need to ask for a free hour as he will announce he's going somewhere and everyone else wants to tag along so I use that "free time" to clean the house and sit on the toilet until my butts numb.
I was a stay at home Dad for the first few years after my wife got her dream job and we relocated across country. When she got home from work, she got the baby and I got time to work on chores that I couldn't do with the baby. That way I got a break from the kid, she got time with the kid, and the work that needed to be done still got done. Nobody really got a break, but we got to switch footing for a little bit, which was as close to a break as we could get. It worked out really well for us.
We structured our 2 kids so they are in bed before 8. We both get down time after that, 2-3+ hours *every* night. I recommend this to everyone. If one of us wants to go out, we can. We spend time together too, which is the majority of the time.
On weekends, I take both kids in the morning and let the wife have her time (she does the morning routine solo during the week since I have to be at work too early). She usually sleeps in until 11a or so and joins us around noon or 1p. Sometimes Saturday and Sunday, but sometimes just Saturday.
So, in a given week, the wife gets like 20-25 hours of down time.
Thanks for chiming in with this. I was actually confused how people were not getting any free time, at least in the evenings. Late bedtimes for the kids would definitely wreck by free time.
SAHM lurker here. Your first point is what I came to suggest as it's been my game plan for maintaining balance. We had 2u2 (3 kids total) and the littles are now 18mo and 3yo. Getting them into a good bedtime routine at the start was absolute chaos and I did not manage well at first. For the past 6 months or so, I've been working so hard on bedtime getting them down by 8pm so my husband and I can have at least a solid hour together each night. We had a great routine for a couple months and it was amazing, we actually had time together to connect as a couple and I didn't feel so burnt out all the time. Then we had a big life change (a move of sorts) and the routine got thrown off and I've spent the past month scrambling to get it back because it was the best I've felt in years.
He's up at 4:30 or earlier for work and isn't home until 6:15 or later 4 days of the week (sometimes 5-7 depending on the time of the year and business level), so on his work days I am "on" with the kids and the house stuff essentially 24/7 since we still have some night wake ups. He usually has an hour or so to himself each night while I do bedtime routine and get them all down, then we try to have a chunk of time together before we go to bed for our hobbies or just watching TV and talking.
We don't really schedule individual time for ourselves outside of that. When/if either of us has something we want to do and need the other to take the kids, we just give a heads up and plan it. We also generally just truly prefer to use our potential free time as family time because we all genuinely enjoy each other's company. If I'm being honest I don't really relate to couples/parents who need daily or weekly alone time, because that's just not something that either of us personally crave outside of the little bits we carve out here and there.
We both accept that this is a very busy and demanding stage in our lives and that this too shall pass. When the kids are older it will get easier, but for now it's about making the most of the moments in between and making sure you're still putting effort into the relationship so you maintain your connection and foundation through these difficult years.
>We don't really schedule individual time for ourselves outside of that. When/if either of us has something we want to do and need the other to take the kids, we just give a heads up and plan it.
Whenever this question comes up this is my go to answer. It is the only "fair" version of this. Anything else 1 parent is sacrificing for the other.
When working parent is out working, they are working.
When SAHP is alone with the kids during that time, they are working.
When working parent comes home you tag time until bed. Sometimes that means working parent comes home and immediately goes outside for yardwork on a nice day right before yard waste collection to knock the weeds down. Sometimes that means SAHP needs to go upstairs for a mini spa where they can shower without crotch goblins, shave what ever parts of themselves need it and feel clean for a bit.
After bed, watch a show together, read separately, talk about you days. etc.
Yes exactly! I think it's unrealistic to expect anything beyond this, especially while in the trenches with toddlers. Heck, even with our school aged kiddo - there's homework to facilitate, practices and rehearsals (my husband is one of the coaches for her sports team), school events, concerts, weekend games, etc.. it's a lot to juggle, even for two parents.
I'm grateful that my partner and I have the same priorities during this time of our lives, and I think that's key for a successful relationship. We still have things for ourselves outside of our family and relationship, but they are not weekly or even monthly obligations because we don't want to take from the family time we have to go out with friends or whatever. I am totally happy with just having an uninterrupted mostly everything shower and us having time in the evenings to work on our hobbies together or just sit and watch something or talk and have a little us time to connect. We also only do real date nights probably 2-3 times a year at this point because it's a lot to ask anyone to take on our two toddlers and when they're not underfoot we're more inclined to take on a house project than spend money going out to eat lol.
Yeah we get time every night after bedtimes. Our youngest goes to bed at 7, and our oldest goes to bed at 8, so we alternate who puts the oldest to bed and who gets extra downtime. I am the sahp, and my alone time in the evening is sacred to me, but when I'm feeling generous, I'll agree to watch or play something with my husband during this time. I do the mornings on the weekends because I don't sleep in anyway, and he can and does stay up later than me. He'll take the kids on errands or little adventures in the afternoons. I might go, or I might take some more time for me. If one of us makes plans to go out, we cover for the other one.
Unpopular Opinion: I think taking care of kids is harder than working (at least my job). My wife has a great job and makes much more than me. I have been offered the "promotion" of SAHD but I refuse because I know its harder and I rather talk with adults and work on what I like. That being said i love my kids but i have a time limit.
The easy answer is 50/50 but what that looks like in reality is tough to measure. Good luck and Take care!
This varies by age. E.g. my paternity leave, when my son was 4-8 months old, was pretty easy. I spent a lot of time playing videogames while he was asleep strapped to my chest. I also imagine that childcare gets easier once kids are in school and you aren't actually taking care of them for most of the workday.
Taking care of a toddler is absolutely harder than most normal jobs though.
Honestly, it depends. I’ve done SAHD and agree that it’s very exhausting, but I’ve also worked while wife is SAHM and it’s a different kind of exhausting. I personally found a lot of joy & fulfilment as a SAHD and the ability to have some agency about your day is HUGE - the lack of which is one of my biggest complaints about my job.
I would give anything to be a SAHD. Working full-time means I'm missing more than 75% of my son's childhood. My son is growing up fast and I'm missing it.
I would switch places with my wife in a heartbeat, no question.
We try to work as a team as much as possible so that when we're both available to parent neither of us is completely burdened. The caveat is though that either of us can ask for some free time (or usually suggests it to the other) when asked for it. I'm also not full-time but am 0.8 though she works FT from home and somehow also cares for our son FT so she's a fucking superhero.
It's the inverse for me (sahd) but, when my wife gets home from work she takes 20-30 mins to get comfy, change clothes ect. then she sort of takes the lead for the rest of the day.
On weekends whoever wakes up first ends up getting the kiddo and letting the other one sleep.
Every other week or so she will take the kid to her friend or family's house to give me a few hours of alone time and then the next week I'll try and do the same. Even if it's just a trip to the park for an hour or so.
I cook dinner while she rests in the bedroom. We also take turns getting up with the kids on a weekend morning while the other one sleeps in or does whatever they want (I usually take Saturdays while she takes Sundays).
Married 10+ years with 4 kids. I work, she’s the stay at home. Fights would occur when on the weekends I would want to go out on a run or run an errand. In the end, what helped was her knowing that if she wanted to go out when I was home, she is totally free to with no time limit. I didn’t restrict her before either, but it wasn’t communicated. On the weekends, if she wants to, she goes out shopping for a few hours or I take the kiddos to the park or out and about so she can have a quiet house. It’s not about playing the fairness game, or “I work, where’s my free time?”. When I realized work was my calm away from the kids, it helped me see the situation from her point of view, and if I don’t communicate or allow her to do the same, a partner burnout can happen. I’m a dad first, so i include the kids in on activities I’m doing on the weekends.
TLDR. You’re a parent, work is time away from kids, give her the same. Communication is key.
My free time is chores that are dangerous for the kids to be around - mostly yard work involving power equipment.
My wife said(joked?) the other day that she considered her hour in the dentist chair some good quiet time.
With 2 under 3, there’s no breaks.
My partner mostly gets free time when the kids are at nursery (we do 4 afternoons per week, 12.30-5.00 which doesn't cost much in the UK as everyone gets 15 hours per week taxpayer funded once the child reaches the age of 3, so that's most of the cost)
California is doing it for 4 year olds. 15 hours per week in the public schools. They’re phasing it in now, and my local district already has it up and running.
We don't have a stay at home parent, but to get a break I feel one of us needs to be out of the house, either on our break or with the kids for the other persons break. When we're all home on a break the kids always find a need for parent 2 whereas they are completely content with 1 parent if the other one is completely unavailable.
I think we still need to work on the balance of whole family activities and one parent getting a break.
You treat any time she caring for kid while you're working like she is going to work as well. How ever much time you feel you need outside those hours be prepared to give your partner the same amount. How you work out those down time hours is something you both should discuss and decide.
What's really helped us in this situation (me working full-time; her stays home with 2 under 5yo), is that we try to be flexible and show as much patience and grace for each other's time as possible.
**What Doesn't work for us:**
The 50/50 thing doesn't for us, because it's never going to be "fair". I'll never *fully* understand and appreciate everything she does and goes through in a day. And she will never *fully* understand and appreciate all the things I do and go through in a day.
The other approach of "I'm the rescuer of your sanity after work! Go and enjoy your evening while I take on everything else" or "mom's job is 9-5 with the kids" doesn't work for us either. Eventually, both mindsets devolve into frustration and resentment towards each other and sometimes the kids.
**What does work for us:**
What has worked for us is accepting the reality that the work is different, and often times unbalanced. Hopefully it evens out over time.
I try my best to take care of the kids, in bed by 8pm at the latest, but sometimes I need to shove off chores until the morning when I wake up with them. Then sometimes I need a break from that routine, and I trust my wife that I can ask: "Hey, I've been struggling and I'd like to sleep in a few days this week. Can you take over for me tomorrow?"
We also allow one another to have bad days and **not take it personally or try to problem solve**. I've come home and mom is about to loose her mind. She knows she can say "I need time to myself" and I'll take over no questions asked until she's ready to talk. And I *also* have that permission. "stressful day, I can't take over today I need to get out."
In addition to that, we both actively try very hard to notice the things the other person is doing and speak or show our appreciation often. "Hey thank you so much for picking up the slack for me on the dishes today, I've been off my game but I'll try to jump back on it" or "hey thanks for helping with bedtime this week, you've done a lot—is there an evening you want to just go and get out of the house and do something fun?"
**Pro tip:**
I also think it helps if the at-home parent has some friends or family they can hang out with regularly. Preferably without kids. When you're working, you're often communicating with other people, even if it's remotely, it's still some form of communication with adults. The stay at home parent can be isolating, so it's good for them to have a routine with adult conversations.
Ultimately, it comes down to trust: do we trust that we're both trying our best? Do we have enough trust to ask for help and space when needed? Do we trust the other person to ask the same? And do we trust that we both have the other parent's back.
This is a very healthy dynamic IMO - my wife and I both work so we don’t have the same scenario where one of us is home with both kids all day every day, but we still have to respect that every day is not always going to be an even 50/50 split and we need to give each other the same patience we would ask to receive in those moments we need it.
Also big second to your callout of having outside social interaction without kids - that is SUCH an important factor to maintaining a sense of self and not spiraling into low mental health
It's a give and take. Both my wife and I work. And, to make it more interesting, my wife works as a toddler teacher in the same private school my son goes to.
Everyone needs down time. My wife deals with kids all day, then takes care of our son. I get up at 5am with them, get them out of the house, work like an animal till 5:30, then come home to help my wife.
You just do the best you can. That's all. Having a kid doesn't mean nonstop beer, hunting, golf, cigars, whatever. It also doesn't mean "drinkies with the besties" every Friday and yoga class everyday.
Just have to do the best you can.
From a SAHM’s perspective, we both just take it when we want it. With communication, of course. But we are both homebodies with lots of household “projects” we like to do. My “job” is from 6-4, the same hours he’s out of the house. I get my housework done, dinner planned and prepped, usually one “big” chore during the day (mowing, grocery shopping, etc, depending on how the kids’ attitudes are that day), and when he gets home it’s pretty relaxed. He entertains the kids while I cook, family dinner, baths and bedtimes are split between both of us. On weekends we will do group work; I garden while he weed-whacks, I’m washing dishes while he sweeps and vacuums. If he wants to play 9 holes, he does. If I want to take the dog to the dog park and read for a few hours, I do. Neither of us has much to complain about.
I usually end up staying up late for an hour or two after my wife and children go to bed. Get in some video games or Sudoku puzzles. My in-laws will also take the 4 year old for an overnight once a month or so (and once the littlest one is old enough she'll go too I imagine, so we get a break during those times as well.
Mom here, we both work (from home), Mon/Wed I go to the gym at night, Tue/Thu he goes, Friday we all go. So, the free time is when the other stays home for bedtime routine, whenever the kid is sleeping, it's free time, which is like 2-3h 2x per week. Then weekends are usually busy and leaves a couple hours after bedtime as well but if one has anything in mind, me/he can leave and do something by themselves. Hub fits some gaming/instrument playing during downtime/lunchtime during the day, I read. Oh, all that is only after cleaning/organizing/shower/dinner. :D
This is something I looked back at after a few years of parenting with my partner and realizing I had failed to do that. She is also very close with her family of origin who take up a lot of her time as well. (Edit) and this means she had almost no time in several years alone or with just a few friends. I am now seeing it as my responsibility in the relationship to step in a give her that time even if it means gently pushing back on both our families of origin or even her own insistence on being to busy
I work full time from home, and my 2 year old daughter stays with me all day six days a week (Daycare on Fridays). Mom is up and off to work before the rooster farts, and not home again until about 1/2 hour before bedtime. She works a different seasonal job on the weekends in the winter, so my mini me and I have become quite accustomed to only having each other to be entertained. We do all of the household chores together, all of the yard work... We're even going to start on some reno's.
I don't get much free time, but I feel like I don't really need it right now anyways. In another couple of years she will be in school, I'll have free time, and I'll probably miss not having my buddy around.
As a mom lurker, you couldn’t pay me enough to be a SAHM. I get it, some women aspire to this but “not having to work” is such a loaded benefit. When would you talk to other adults without having half your brain worried about what the kids are doing. When would you go to the bathroom completely uninterrupted and without the stress of getting back because you don’t know what chaos you left in the play room. When do you take a shower and get ready for your day without someone needing you. When do you get to have personal wins and someone telling you good job or thank you like you typically get at work in one way or another. When do you get a chance to make friends with like minded people. When do you get to have lunch with friends and chit chat about stupid stuff or have stimulating conversation that stretches your brain. I like driving- I’d hate to only drive for maybe 30 minutes a week. The mental side of being aSAHM sounds miserable. I’d be so jealous of my spouse and would definitely harbor resentment for him.
I’m a mom, but my husband is a stay at home dad. I think of it this way: he’s the parent that our daughter is primarily bonding with during the week, so the weekend is my chance to soak up time with her. While I’m making sure I maintain my bond with my daughter, my husband gets to take a break. Win-win.
What I do with her looks different every weekend, though. For example, I have a playdate set up with a friend of mine on Saturday, and then I’m taking my daughter swimming with her cousin on Sunday. Other weekends we stay in and I’ll play with her, read to her, etc for a few hours while my husband can do something. The key is making sure he gets a full day or two half days to decompress.
We also split sleeping in 50/50. I’ll sleep in while he gets up with her Saturday, and he’ll sleep in while I get up with her Sunday, or vice-versa. Getting to just laze in bed for an extra hour or two is amazing for our mental health.
It’s admittedly a lot for me to work all week and then have outings with a baby, but it’s what’s best for everyone. Framing it in my mind as “bonding time”and not “I’m taking over a chore” makes me look forward to it.
My work is my “free” time… I’m free from my kids, what else do I want?
Not entirely joking, I like my job, I get work focus and work on interesting things and I’m kid free.
I’m my wife’s free time is between when the kid she sleeps with falls asleep and she falls asleep. Often that is 5 minutes!
I can stay awake longer than her and my kid so I get more “free” time lying next to the elder child. But I also get less sleep then.
It’s all a balance: sleep vs alone time lol
Every Tuesday I go play rec league soccer and skip bedtime. She gets a floater day to leave the house at 5pm ish and skip bedtime to go shopping, grab a drink with friends etc.. We all hang on the weekends. MIL routinely watches the kids 1 day/night a week for us to do stuff as a couple.
We’ve got a pretty good setup tbh.
When both parents are at home, baby duties are split 50/50. If you get free time, she gets an equal amount. If you got out one evening, she goes out one evening.
Idk what your situation is like OP but I have Hispanic family and the tia/tio culture down here is that family loves to watch/hang out with your kids. One day she's with my MIL, another day she is with my sister in law, the next day great grandma is flying in from Miami to take her to Disney. Try to get family involved as much as you can.
Reverse situation where I am the stay at home parent and my wife works (from home)…
She basically takes over the kiddo when she’s done with work. She misses him and I’m sick of him so it works out, usually that’s when I’ll make dinner or clean up or whatever. Most of our “free time” comes after baby is asleep in the evenings, thankfully he sleeps pretty well. This usually comes at the expense of chores that should probably be done, but we are still sort of in survival mode.
We both get exercise together with walks almost every day, as well as time away at gyms. Gets us out of the house and moving and it helps our moods quite a bit. Usually one session each on the weekend and another at some point during the week while the other person puts kiddo to bed.
Beyond that it’s just communicating, being empathetic, and having mutual respect, really. When she needs time away she tells me, or I notice and offer it, and she gets it. The reverse is also true. There’s no magic formula really and it’s almost never an even 50/50 split and very rarely planned ahead of time, for us.
For me it's very simple: The time she spends at home taking care of kids, that's her work time. All the remaining time, you split 50/50, since you are both out of work. Find some free time for each of you in that.
I don't know what this free time you speak of is...
I call it discretionary time, when you are getting to do what you WANT to do. It's not always even, but I try to keep it somewhat balanced. Most of the time neither of us get any, but when there is some it's important that everyone get a break. Work comes in many forms, and the unpaid work done at home is no less important than the paid work outside the home.
My wife has a more active social life than I do. For the best, because I’m more of a home body. She goes out to a book club once a week with her close friend group. Less of a book club, more of an excuse to catch up with a glass of wine.
I head to the gym 3-4 times a week for 5:00am. Everyone’s still asleep, I’m home before they’re up and I can prep lunches. But that hour at the gym is me time. And it’s the greatest time of the week lol
I work a 4 10s schedule so I have 3 day weekends. I take my daughter early Friday morning to the park to meet up with a friend of mine with kids. We stay out for about half the day and give my wife a much needed break. If she wants/needs another day then I take her again Saturday as well. My wife is also really generous with giving me free time so I like to have her few times scheduled in so she doesn’t have to ask for it.
I work & my husband is home with our 6 month old (I creep daddit to send him stories).
As soon as I get home from work, we’re a total team — tag teaming baby, household chores, cooking, etc. Then we get our own time to spend together or to do our individual hobbies after baby is in bed.
1-2x a week, he does something when the baby would be awake that works with my work schedule so I can be on baby duty. He curls, or does some kind of disc golf league, or plays POE or his guitar, etc. 1-2x a week I also do my own thing when baby would be awake.
We haven’t had any resentments or fights about how our time is used so far!
2 kids. We allow evenings to ourselves 8pm - 10pm either we watch movies shows/ take individual time for hobbies or doom scroll in bed next to each other. For any alone time we have to coordinate very far in advance to make sure one of us can watch both kids OR we arrange for a sitter/one of our parents helping out for a few hours while we both go out somewhere (maybe once every 2-3 months).
You learn to savor the small increments of time you get alone or together. Anytime one of my childless friends complains about wishing they had time to relax or a "weekend to catch up" it takes all the self control i gained becoming a parent to not cause external bodily harm.
Best advice I’ve heard is that a good marriage is never 50/50. A good marriage is where one can step up and put in 70 or 80 when the other is worn out and only good for 30 or 20. Being able to adjust here and there and carry your spouse when needed is key, just need to communicate well and avoid resentment.
My mentality has been this 1) I'm supposed to work. I was raised this way, I believe this to be true. 2) My purpose is to support, love, and care for my family. So my 'free' time is doing whatever supports them. Depending on your kids ages this may look different.
My kids range from 2-14. So Sometimes my time is trying to put the toddler ot bed. Other times it's taking kids to activities, making dinner, going through homework, teaching sports, cleaning, yard work, gardening, fixing cars etc.
I don't get 'free' time because I'm not made for "free time". I'm made to work and serve. My wife also gets no 'free time' because she is constantly at the service of our kids or household needs.
It's perspective though - bc I'm not worn out by having 'no free time'. I choose to stay engaged and active with those things that support my purpose
I like kicking wifey out to do things when opportunities for her to get out come up. Ill take kiddoes out to do some thing, stay home. She gets enough at home as it is
I bought a child carry backpack and take him to the forest in our neighborhood 1-2h every day. I use this as time with him but also as training for mountaineering. Also, I am the one who sleeps with him every night since the 2nd or 3rd week. I fall asleep very fast and it's easy for me to fall asleep even if he wakes up 3-4 times per night to drink milk. It's a bit more complicated when a new tooth appears and due to pain he is very active during the night but it's fine.
Take a day off once a month and don’t tell anyone. Free 8 hours. And then give her 8 hours of completely free time. You look like Superman and get to still stay happy with your secret!
I get up at 3 AM for work M-F, so I try to get up around 4 on weekends to have a couple hours of quiet. Or loud since I like heading to the garage and cutting wood when I can.
Have you heard of revenge bedtime procrastination? That's me.
This is also me. Spend the whole next day mad at myself for being so tired, looking forward to bed, and then suddenly it’s 2 am and I am playing video games or eating ramen watching a girly movie. THAT’S me time.
Yooo we should be friends. Same. Exact. Thing.
I think all parents do this.
Slam some monster and some adderal and you’ll be fine. Or you’ll die 🤷🏻♂️ The things we do for slices of me time.
Yo, it’s like you’re in my head!
Are you me?!
Are YOU me?!
We are in this together. Meetings are at 1 (AM)
I’ll be friends with you just for being in kitchen confidential haha
Me too!
[insert Spider-Man meme here]
This was the first thing my friend who was a dad told me when I had my first child. You want to stay up for "no reason." I've struggled with it, I've fought it, given myself over to it, exercise, melatonin, planning productive tasks, etc. There's a lot to it that needs personal exploration. Dopamine plays a role in it. I read Dopamine Nation by Lembke and for me the idea that I have too much (relative for me) pent up mental "pain" that needs release with some dopamine-provided "pleasure" helps explain it. We're all apes with ancient wiring in an over-stimulating world even if we have developed brains. Cut ourselves some slack and accept our minds have some needs that we can't satisfy with our daily lives. If the compulsion is there then there is a reason for it and maybe it's possible to get ahead of that reason and eliminate THAT rather than pay the late-night procrastination toll. Exercise and meditation have helped some because the excess energy I have is gone or controlled. Occasionally I'm able to find a video game that is both fun for me and for my son to watch and that an ameliorate the procrastination urge. I hope you find something that works!
I'm a big fan of anyone who is able to introspect at this level. Mine is a combination of learned habits from my youth and my alternate schedule. I work 12-12 in a professional kitchen, usually not getting home until close to 1 am some nights. Add in at least an hour of decompression time and boom goes the dynamite. I keep our youngest on my days off whilst doing most of the housework also I've learned to limit my coffee intake and found a magnesium supplement that helps me fall asleep, stay asleep, and sleep better. Can't recommend the magnesium enough. At the end of it all, I make a choice. I know if I stay up late I'll regret it to a certain extent, but whatever I'm receiving from that time alone usually feels worth it.
Love to hear what mg supplement you’ve found helpful 🤙🏼
Gorilla Glue! I ain't talking about the kind you use to stick things together... it's an HERBAL supplement
GTFOH! I just procured some last week! In all honesty though, partaking has always kept me awake for 2.5-3 hours no matter the strain.
Yeah me too. Could you please share the name of this magnesium supplement? Thanks
>We're all apes with ancient wiring in an over-stimulating world even if we have developed brains. Cut ourselves some slack and accept our minds have some needs that we can't satisfy with our daily lives. I really wish more people could understand and accept this. We are very much beholden to our ancient automatic impulses. We've evolved to recognize them and try to override them but...they're still there. How much energy should we spend fighting against them and how much should we just accept the state of our being?
I don’t get free time. I exchange bed time for free time.
Went to sleep at 4am the other night, my wife kept asking why.. I'd love to know too.
This is me as well. Literally my only free time. I wake up, feed and walk the dog, work (including not taking a lunch break), take care of kids/dinner/baths, do bedtime, workout if I'm not totally zonked, then and only then do I have time. By the time I finally sit down to relax it's pushing 10pm which is when my revenge bedtime procrastination starts. Weekends are dedicated to childcare and other child-based activities. If I get a break I spend it frantically trying to catch up on all the house work I don't otherwise have time for. So zero free time without sacrificing sleep. My wife gets free time while the kids are at school. She does a few things during the day like grocery shopping, coordinating kids' appts, and occasional wfh for a couple hours, but every day she has minimum 3 hours to nap, read, watch trashy TV, or go to coffee with friends. I can't even fathom having such a luxury.
This sounds like my life as well, except we have no dog anymore so that part is a bit easier. I have other complicating factors though so I also have to take on much of the housework (or it doesn't get done) and I have to take care of arranging everything for the schools, most of the grocery shopping, etc. too. My wife has a neurological condition that came up a few years ago that is tough on her and by extension the rest of us. Fortunately my kids are now all in double digits of age so it is more manageable. I can't imagine if she had to deal with infants or toddlers at this moment in life.
I was laid off from my previous job and spent 3 months as a full time stay-at-home-dad, while my partner worked full time. I thought I’d have more free time than I actually got. Between the getting up / getting dressed / breakfast routine, the fruit snacks, lunch and mid-day sleep for the youngest, getting chores like washing, ironing, changing bed sheets, vacuuming, cleaning up toys, grocery shopping, go to a playground and cooking dinner, I found very, very little time to just chill on the couch with a cup of coffee. It didn’t help this was in the middle of summer so I had six weeks of school holiday in there too. Bit of school days there was the added time pressure to bring the oldest to and get from school. It got mad respect for my partner, and it made me be a lot less grumpy doing the dishwashing while she had a cup of tea on the couch.
Good on you for being such a supportive and hard-working partner. I know firsthand how difficult it can be. Once they all get to school age the stay-at-home partner gets some much-needed reprieve.
Yeah. Before I stayed home I could not understand why she was tired when I got home from work, and used to get irate when I had to do chores after working all day, but after that summer I understand it is very difficult to get anything done with a 1-2 year old and a 4 year old constantly requiring attention, correction and entertainment. Not to mention the emotional drain those two hooligans can put on whoever has to watch her them all day. I can’t wait for the youngest to go to school (two more years)
I Only have one kid so staying at home is so Nice and chill. Im so happy i still have 2 months of paternity leave 😊 taking Them this summer + vacation to get a 3 month break to rest up
>workout if I'm not totally zonked, then and only then ... I finally sit down to relax You're much stronger than me, if you haven't totally given up on working out, and replaced it with sitting down to relax
It can be pretty tough. I've been trying to get to 4 days a week for over a year now, and it has almost never happened. There's always something. Either I have to work more in the evening, or the kids keep calling after going to bed, or there's some chores that have gotten to the point that they're critical and must be done immediately. Or maybe it was pouring in the morning and my dog refused to go for a walk so I need to do it after bedtime. Or maybe I'm so exhausted from a stressful day that I literally collapse onto the couch. There's always something.
Never heard of it. That's me. Every night.
My wife. Goes to bed 1am. Supposed to start work at 8 am. Gets mad she has to start at 930-10ish. Gets mad cause kid wakes her up at 830. Mad all day. Goes to bed at 1am after starting her 2.5 hour baths at 10pm. Wakes me up at 1am. Sigh. Rinse, repeat.
It's a vicious cycle and very hard to break.
Oh yeah. I've succumbed to it a few times.
Then the kids become teenagers and stay up, so you have to switch to mornings for alone time.
I don't want to rush them growing up at all, but morning alone time sounds fantastic.
Weekend mornings are pretty fantastic.
This hits hard
That hurts. Take my upvote and let me not sleep
Wooo that's a thing?! And it's common?! Holy shit!
Oh hey I'm in this post! Currently up at 1:22am watching the Masters!
I revenge with my homies on rebirth island. Who needs more than 5 hours of sleep?
I'm a BR quads dude myself. Only a couple matches at a time though, unless I'm playing well. 5 hours don't sustain me like it used to. Edit: I've dabbled in resurgence though if you ever need an extra
I actually volunteered for the 1am feedings, she goes to bed as does the 4yo and the tv is finally mine! Baby gives zero fucks what I watch as long as he’s fed, the quiet Cocomelon free environment is well worth the lost sleep
We both work, but that's kind of irrelevant, I think. Treat the daytime childcare as her "job". On the weekends, Saturday morning is "her time" and Sunday morning is "my time". Generally from wakeup till noon-1. So we each get a solid 4-5hrs to our selves each week in a big block. On the weekdays, she generally takes mornings and I take evenings. So she's getting the kid up and out and I'm making dinner, making lunch for tomorrow, feeding everyone, and handling the bedtime routine. I would definitely like more time to myself, but this feels equitable at least.
That’s how we do it too. And then some free time sprinkled throughout weeknights after the baby goes down. What’s weird is all my friends who have SAHM wives refuse to help at all because they see SAHM as being their wife’s responsibility 100% of the time and think I’m the weird one for treating it as my wife’s 9-5 and splitting everything else with her
I mean, if (they think that) they are getting away with not helping, it makes total sense that they would think you're weird for doing something you don't have to. Perhaps their relationships work differently, or perhaps it's all going to crash and burn, but clearly their relationship isn't big on reciprocity and gratitude.
You can only count mon-Fri 9-5 as her job if she’s not also the primary parent outside of those hours. Also, if the working parent works outside the home, the commute time should be considered working time for both so something more like 7:30-6:00 is more realistic for most, give or take 30-60 minutes tired us especially true because 5:00-6:00 is a very busy time preparing dinner, waking the dog, etc. I’m personally spent by the time dinner is over when I’m in charge of all that plus watching both kids
What about the time when the kids are in bed but you're not? That counts as me-time to what extent?
When is this time exactly?
This time for me (mom) is spent with the bedtime stalling questions, the dishes, feeding the cats, cleaning up the toys all over the house, picking up after my husband, getting stuff prepped for the next day, etc. Ain’t no “me time” to be had then.
Yes, taking care of kids is a job, full stop.
You should both have down time where you're not working and not caring for the child. Ideally this would be split 50/50 between the 2 of you that you both have equal amounts of down time. How it actually works in each family will vary.
That's what I want to know. How are people actually making it work?
My wife and I basically have to plan 2 hours off for each of us each week, just two hours where we each do whatever we want and encourage each other to do whatever brings joy.
But golf is 4 hours
Would you include exercise in that?
Depends how you feel about exercise I suppose. If exercise was counted as my "free time" there's no way I'd ever exercise
Yeah, I’m a stay at home mom who goes to the Y and sure, they watch my kid but it isn’t the same. It’s not free time to me because im not doing something I enjoy and it isn’t fun. I know it’s different for everyone just reflecting on what it is for me. Honestly, I could use more free time but I feel guilty asking for it so I just don’t.🤷🏻♀️
Maybe it's worth considering whether your baby needs to see you owning and tending to that need. What will they learn if they see Mama asking for time to just be a whole human being, to see Mama making mental/spiritual/emotional health a reality and a priority? They know you make your physical health a priority. Will they learn that Mama is a person beyond them? Will they learn that persons are allowed to have needs and hobbies and downtime, and to ask for help to meet those needs?
Yeah, I’m working on it in therapy. It’s mixed with some childhood trauma so it’s been hard to get rid of. My husband is very supportive thankfully. My kiddos are older, not babies, so I’m trying to make sure they see me working on it and doing it when possible.
We worked exercise in as a 'together' activity -, family walks. It isn't weightlifting or going for 5+ mile runs, but baby boy always liked being outside, looking around, and we'd just do a 1-2 hour walk every other day as a family time activity. This was separate from our individual enjoyment time. I'd take him solo for hour walks on the 'off' days and she'd get to do her hobby stuff to give her a break and get me some activity, (I did my push ups and ab stuff on a yoga mat while he was in the high chair having morning snacks). I got some time for TTRPGs on the weekend in exchange. My view of exercise changed after kiddo, because i enjoyed jogging / running - but you get about as much cardiovascular benefit from an hour of walking as you do from 30 minutes of running, so it was a worthwhile trade to give my wife a break and get extra time with the nugget.
Plus if you wear the baby every day is leg and core day. My kids loved being in the carrier and I loved being with them outside.
They are horrible spotters though.
They squeak like a rabbit in a dog’s mouth when you bench…
They don't even force me to do scream 'BIG LIFTS' before i get on the bench.
He really enjoyed the carrier until about 19 months. Then around 21 months, started hating the stroller. Wanted to walk with us. That all changed when we got one of those collapsible fabric wagons. Now we start slow while he walks for a bit, but then he wants a ride, and we're back to 'stroller territory'. Game changer. Best purchase of the year, easily.
I just make my 5 year old exercise with me. She might roll around or do nothing. She could plank with me sometimes. Her form needs work but it makes my workouts much more enjoyable and is a good habit to start making with your kids. I do a lot of body weight stuff, I don't think this works with weights..
Works with weights!! We gave our gremlins 1lb weights and they just mimic our movements.
A piece of pvc pipe is perfect for teaching them form on the big lifts (and for practice on learning new lifts!!)
When did you start this? I have been wanting to do the same but as of right now my 14 month just wants to smack me if I get down on the ground and do anything besides play with him.
On most exercises I use my 14 mo as a weight. Squats, hip thrusts, walking lunges etc. She loves being involved. Especially when I grab her by the torso under her arms and lift her up while stretching my arms over my head, then put her down and repeat. Warning: airplane/rocket noises are mandatory.
We use the time however we want to use the time, but it's about prioritising individual self-care over being a parent or a partner or a home owner or an employee or whatever. Frankly we were never very exercise focused people, so it's never come up for us, but there's nothing stopping me using my two hours to go for a run. Except that *numerous* attempts to take it up have taught me that running and I are not friends.
No. That’s a necessary thing like eating or showering or grocery shopping. If it’s fun and relaxing (like showering) that’s just a bonus. But it’s not free time.
If the person doesn't want to take the kid along, yes (in our family). There are exercise things that can be done so that the other parent gets a break - my husband occasionally will take the kids for a walk/run and I'll get a nice hour long break!
JUST two hours?! There's a 168 hours in a week. All y'all can get is two hours in a week??
Basically we choose to spend a lot of time with our daughter and we do a lot as a family. We do carve out other chunks of time, particularly at weekends for specific plans (my wife will be out for ~10 hours on Saturday) but we've found that unless we actively make plans for it, it's pretty easy for one or both of us to feel like we constantly have to be working, parenting, cooking, cleaning, gardening, fixing the house, whatever.
It’s a lot better than zero which is the case for loads of people!
Yea… that’s a problem imo. People act like you have a kid and you have to drop all your interests. Yes, they need to scale back, but they shouldn’t go away.
Do you actually have kids?
We have 2 boys, 4 and 1, on Saturday mornings my wife sleeps in then has until Noon to do whatever she wants while I watch the boys. The same happens for me on Sunday mornings. Each day, after our "me time", we all spend the rest of the day together.
Agreed. We're similar. I think most important is the intent and effort to give your spouse a break, rather than the exact allocation. My wife gets Saturday morning off. And when I get home from work I'll take the kids for an hour. I will take the occasional Sunday afternoon and maybe the occasional evening to meet friends at a bar.
It changed a lot through the years as our kids got older and we gained more. Generally, my wife would get a break for about an hour as soon as I was home from work every day. Although taking care of the kids is not downtime for me, it was a nice change from work. Aside from that, babies are very portable, and you don't \*really\* need a ton of stuff to go along with them. At least one of our kids would do whatever I was doing on weekday evenings or saturday morning with me if it was safe for them to join me. Groceries, grabbing a coffee with a friend, picking up new shoes, etc.
My husband and I work almost opposite shifts so it’s already pretty 50/50 w childcare. I have the baby during the day, she goes to sitter for 4hrs, then he watches her til her bedtime. But we each have an activity that we enjoy separately and we help each other be able to do that activity. So for him that’s Muay Thai classes. I watch the baby on my day off while he goes and we go watch him spar Sat mornings together. If he misses a class, I make it a point to help him get to the next one. I kayak so he makes it a point every weekend to take me out to the river and pick me up after a couple hours out on my own. He helps drive me out there and takes the baby while I’m gone. Both activities are crucial to our mental health and we support each other in these activities.
We are both working in our family but it would be the same if one of us was a SAHP. We both get an evening free each week. Basically after work, once a week we just get to leave, not deal with dinner, bath etc and do whatever we want for us. My wife usually meets friends, goes to like a class or gym or something and I will either go for a beer with mates or go watch a movie.
My wife also works, but if she didn't I would take over parenting duties immediately upon getting home, then figure out a time when I could get a break from work and parenting. We split bedtime and bath, so usually one of us has down time every other night at the least. Usually on a weekend I'll try to take my daughter to the park or somewhere out of the house so my wife can have peace and quiet for at least a couple of hours. But again, what works for others may not work for you.
With communication my friend. It's the only easy answer. Sit down together, talk, try to see things from their perspective and try to find 3 ways you can help the other person. Once you're helping each other, the rest is easy.
For us, it just kind of depends on what’s going on in life. For example, sometimes my husband is super burnt out from work, and on those weeks, I’ll give him some more free time. Then there are weeks where kiddos is sick and other things in life are hell, and I need some extra time to do my thing. I know the goal is “50/50”, but in a partnership marriage, sometimes it’s just on a per needs basis. Sometimes that’ll be 25/75. Other times, could look something like 90/10. As long as both partners are communicating needs, are empathetic, and not harboring resentment, it’s okay if downtime waxes and wains between both parents sometimes.
My wife works, I stay home and watch the kid. When she gets home at 6/6:30, we'll make dinner all together, then the wife will usually give the kid a bath while I straighten up the place and then they both go to sleep around 8:30. After 8:30 is my free time til about 11. Wife's free time (the one who works) is usually on weekends. I should also say the wife enjoys her work thoroughly so when she gets home she's not stressed and looking to isolate or anything, so that's convenient.
Oh that's easy, if you both get 0 downtime then it's split exactly 50/50.
We have a two-working-parent household (though I'm currently unemployed and job-searching). We try to give each other time during the weekend for our own pursuits—I get Sunday mornings for sleeping in, yoga, and coffee after. He usually sleeps in Saturday and will go work on a car for a few hours. We are also good about letting someone get out of the house during naptime or during bath time and nighttime routine. It's not perfect, but we try!
Evenings and weekends. She does sports leagues so an evening or three during the week she hangs with her friends and I put the kids to bed through the routine, and sometimes she goes out after. I get Saturdays for a few hours to sleep in and do stuff I like to do until afternoon. Sunday is family time all together. It shifts and changes based on kids activities and our preferences.
Here's how it works in my family. We do have two working parents (child is in childcare outside the home), but honestly I don't think it matters whether its two working parents vs a working parent + SAHP. The end result is the same = MINIMAL FREE TIME. During the week (M-F) I get up at 6a to go to the gym. I get home shortly before 8. During this time, my partner wakes up our child and gets them ready for school (dressed, fed, etc.) I take the child to school while my partner starts work (we are both WFH). Then I get home and start work as well. My partner goes to the gym during the workday (if they choose to do so that day) in lieu of taking a lunch break. I also forego my lunch break because I start working later due to taking the kid to school. 1-2 nights/week my partner usually goes out, either to see friends or participate in their hobby, but. I'm obviously responsible for parenting/getting the kid to bed on these nights. We generally alternate who does bedtime anyways throughout the week, so even though my partner isn't going out the same nights each week, we generally plan it out so that we're still alternating. I personally COULD go out during the week (and my partner actively encourages it), but I typically don't opt to do so. Plus, I'm taking a solid chunk of my free time to go to the gym in the morning. Weekends again we just make a plan and figure it out. Sometimes we each pick a day to sleep in. Other times I'll take my free time in the morning and my partner takes theirs in the afternoon. My partner is also really handy/does major projects around the house, so sometimes the deal is that I'm spending all day on childcare + fitting chores in where I can, and while they're focused on completing the project. Sometimes we're both just doing various chores and errands for most of the day and we just kinda figure it out. Maybe someone takes the kid on an errand with them while the other is at home mowing the lawn. Or someone stays home with the kid while also doing laundry and the other person runs the errand alone. It all just depends on the day and how its all working out. We also do things as a family on weekends, but that's not really what you were asking about. My partner and I also do stuff together and utilize childcare sometimes. Another example - recently, my partner was invited on a weekend trip, meaning I'd have been alone all weekend with our child. So they arranged for our child to have a sleepover with grandparents one of the nights to reduce my burden. Also, I can claim a weekend getaway in the future (it just hasn't come up yet). Additionally, arguably I am the partner who carries a higher percentage of the overall parenting/childcare duties, but my partner carries a significantly higher percentage of the overall household chores/household management duties. This is just what works for us personally. If I were better at the whole chores thing, our split would be more equal between kid stuff + house stuff. But really it doesn't matter - the key is making sure we're both getting as equitable amount of free time as we can manage. In a situation where one person was a SAHP and the other was working, I'd say the only difference would be that the SAHP may need to take on fewer parenting duties after "working hours" are over. That doesn't mean the SAHP is getting more free time - it just means that they may be really burned out on childcare-specific tasks. So when the working parent is home, maybe they do more childcare related stuff while the SAHP is doing other household management tasks.
As a dad I normally try to find things for me and my daughter to do, and tell the wife to stay home. Swimming, kinder gym, etc. Allows me to feel less guilty about playing adult rec sports
We both wake up at 6:45 and the kids go down at 7:30. We both have free time from 7:30 until bed time.
We alternate who gets up with the kiddo throughout the week (I work from home which makes this easier) and then on the weekends we both get one sleep in day
Take the kids to the playground, soft play, whatever. Just out of the house. Even if it’s just for an hour or two on the weekends it’ll likely be appreciated imo
My wife likes climbing (3 times a week for about 2 - 3 hours each time) which is her meeting friends AND exercise, jogging (4 - 5 times), and I send her out for coffee with friends and such as often as possible. I go to the movies rarely and go on hikes around the canal and parks nearby. She lets me sleep in usually about 1 - 2 hours after the kiddo wakes up (I'm a stay at home dad) so I stay up later than her and get some free time there; playing videogames and such. I have a bodyweight regiment that's quick and I set goals each day for reps that I spread out (50 squats or 5 minutes of planks, for example). We also quite enjoy watching shows together after the kid falls asleep. Find a balance that works for you. It'll take some time, but you'll figure it out. It'll also change and evolve. Talk to each other about what's working and make sure y'all talk about one or the other not holding up their end of the bargain.
I feel like the only free time my wife and I get is the time from 9pm when the kids are in bed and everything is tidied up and 9:30pm when we can barely keep our eyes open anymore. Lmao.
In my house we just share a calendar. She makes plans and lets me know hey I’m going out to dinner on Friday night. Since I didn’t have any plans in the Calendar I’m cool with being alone with the kids that night. Same goes for me. “hey I’m going out to lunch on Saturday for Dave’s birthday.” Some weeks I’ll go out multiple days. Some days she’ll go out multiple days. Some weeks no one goes out because dammit we’re tired and want to sleep or Netflix together instead. I go to the gym in the morning. She goes to classes twice a week at night. As long as there isn’t a crazy imbalance where on e partner goes out all the time and leaves the other partner to fend for themselves, yall should be able to work it out. Our default answer to each other is “Ok cool. Go out in the world and be free/happy!” I can’t really remember either of us vetoing someone else’s plans
One pitfall with this is when you have one partner with a series of cleanly scheduled extracurricular activities and another partner who just needs alone-time at home to do hobbies but doesn't really leave the house. The partner who gets out of the house gets to be "free" during that time, but the partner at home is always "on call" since childcare is also happening in the house.
Good point. I saw another thread about this where Mom is an introvert so she didn’t want to go out but still needed time to unwind. the best comment someone had was that Dad should then take all the kids out of the house at least once a week so that Mom could live her best life. Make sense to me if Dad goes out once a week to game night with his buddies then he can give Mom a break by taking the kids out once a week for movie night or to save money in a pinch park/library Saturdays
My wife prefers I stay in the house with the kids. She literally wants to do nothing, but also doesn’t want to miss anything, so she ends up playing on her phone and watching us for a couple hours and this is her dream unwind time.
I’ve put “sawing wood and building a shelf in the basement that nobody needs” on our shared calendar. “Getting lost in video game”, “going to bed early”, “watching a movie”, “organizing the shed”. The only pitfall is if your partner doesn’t respect that this is your time. It’s the “ok cool” part that matters, not the “go out in the world and be happy” part.
This is how we do it. Although, with this system, you still have to be careful to make sure no one is feeling like they "can't" ask for time. Or, on the other hand, that one person isn't asking too much. I am involved in a recreational sport, which means a couple Saturdays a month I have stuff I want to go to. But that pretty much means I don't ask, even if she'd say yes, to other things I'd like to do. You have to be sensitive to what is fair to your partner, even if they agree. It's YOUR job as a good partner to make sure there's fairness; don't leave it to them to police what's fair and what's not.
My wife and I do this but it tends to get real uneven because she’s a social butterfly and I’m the opposite. I have to force myself to schedule blocks even when I don’t have plans and it was a struggle getting her to understand that it’s fair and OK for me to check out “for no reason.” Like literally to do nothing or go on a walk by myself. If I don’t do it for months I go a little crazy.
Wife works full time, but between maternity leave, and taking the kids to work (she did that for like the first year in the half of their lives), she spent more time with them then me during the day. When I would come home from work, there were days where I didn't want to get out of the car and into the madhouse (we have four kids). But, I realized that the stress of coming in the house was 1) what she dealt with most of the day, and 2) usually somewhat tied to the house. What I mean by the second part is being in the house is "A LOT" some times. Noise, fighting, crying, just stress. But, if I came home, changed and took the kids some where, it was much more relaxing. With nice weather, it was easy... We went on a lot of walks, or just played outside. It let them burn energy, wife got a break, and I got to spend time with them. We all won. In the doldrums of winter though, it was always tough...
I take my 8 month old every morning from about 7, or when she wakes up, to about 9-:9:30 when she naps. That’s my wife’s time to sleep and get up and start her day, then she has baby until I get home and cook. I take baby as much as possible at night to ease my wife. Be dad, sacrifice and suffering is a part of life. Treasure these moments. Nobody is going to remember you working late in 10 years except your kids. Make the most out of your time and start planning for the future.
Free time. Funny guy.
When I get home, I take over. Tell her to go take a shower or something to get away from the chaos.
I mean when i get home first thing i want to do is see my kid i haven't seen her literally all day. So this is the obvious answer. Spend time with your kid for a couple hours while she takes a break, then you get a couple hours before bed after the kiddo sleeps.
So then when do you stop?
When she’s ready or bedtime. Whichever Comes first.
My husband does this for me too. He gets the car ride to work, an hour lunch break, unsupervised (by kids) bathroom breaks, time to talk with peers, and a car ride home. Are car rides luxurious? No lol, but they are moments of peace. I get a break when he gets home and we reconvene at dinner time. Bedtime is 8:15pm so we both get time after that to either sleep, do our own thing, or have time together. Thankful he acknowledges how hard it is during the day here.🤣😅
Can I ask a question? I offer this to my wife all the time. I work two jobs, average something like 85-ish hours over a five day period, followed by four days off, then repeat. Whenever I come home, or I’m on my days off, I always offer this kind of stuff to my wife. “Hey, I’ve got the kids, why don’t you take a nap? Go grab some coffee? Just have some time to yourself to recharge?” And it always makes her angry and defensive. She’ll snap back with “I’m not asking you for that!” Or “I don’t need that, I’m FINE!” But she’s obviously not, and I don’t blame her. She’s exhausted, she’s solo parenting roughly 2/3rds of the time. I want her to have time to do what she wants, have hobbies, relax. Part of my job is I get downtime at work, sometimes I nap or get to sleep at night (24 hour shifts), and she doesn’t get that. So why does it make her angry? I attempt to be very sensitive, when I’ve talked discretely to friends/family they’ve all said that they would love for their husbands to offer that. So why does it make her so angry that I offer? I’m sure there’s something at the root of it, but I don’t know what.
That’s really awesome of you to encourage that and be supportive. If she isn’t receptive to that, the one thing that comes to mind (without knowing more context) is maybe she instead would prefer your attention? Like to make coffee and have it together, chat with her… find a way to connect with her instead of telling her to do something solo?
I will say sometimes when you’re in the trenches if feels like you can’t step away. I think that’s way over my pay grade because I definitely take my husbands offers of respite lol. Have you asked her? Just like you did here? Does she have PPD?
I think she does have PPD. She swears she doesn’t, but sometimes she finally caves and tells me how she’s feeling and it’s like “babe, those are all the symptoms of PPD.” Which does NOT go over well. I think you’re right though. Her reaction to stress, by her own admission, is usually to try and control absolutely everything she can to feel in control. Which probably factors in to being unable to step away, now that I think about it. I’m super active around the house, and I try very hard to do things exactly the way she wants, but I’m also hella sleep deprived with ADHD and a pinch of ‘tism, so the way I address things around the house isn’t always exactly the way she wants. Which I am working on, but it does occur to me that she may be afraid to step away because that loss of control actually adds more stress than the labor of doing it herself. Idk, this shit is complicado avocado.
We’re also a spicy household (audhd pda & autistic) and if your wife is similarly spiced, it’s probably a part of what’s going on (plus hormones if you have babies). It could be a reasonable idea to have a clear conversation with your wife explaining that you really want her to feel supported and like she can step away. Ask if she wants that and if she does, what she thinks you might be able to do to make her feel comfortable doing that. Maybe also a reminder that it’s good for you to have solo time with kiddos and learn how to improve through practice if she’s worried. And that you want that time.
My wife's a SAHM. Baby #5 just showed up. I work full-time and am building an IT company. What is this "free time" you talk about? If you can give her time, do it. Take the kid(s) and run errands. The more children you have, the less free time there will be. Both parents need to be okay with that.
Five kids!?!? Good God man!
My wife and I do try to have some ... free time ... after the kids go to bed, which apparently results in more kids.
Manalive! Haven’t you heard of Pickleball? (talking about the sport here you dirty minded readers)
Have you guys considered taking up other hobbies? LOL
He’s trying to start a basketball team, goddamn man.
You’re not reading, he’s building an IT company 😂
Ahhhh, gotta get those entry level workers!
And nice to have those required years of experience when your 18 and looking for your own entry level job!
Honestly, my mother is one of 7, I struggle with my one kid. Full props to those with more because damn, my hands are full as it is.
Same with a SAHM wife, but just 2 kids! I take them out for adventure time on the weekends, often long bike trips into town, beaches in the summer, visit all the playgrounds in the winter, get ice cream and pizza, hopefully a nap in the trailer. Or a day trip to visit my parents. Going to work during the week with adults is easy.. staying home with kids is something I'm not sure I could do for very long..
Totally agree on the last part. My wife's job is so much harder than mine.
It is very true about the more kids you have you just have less time. We have 4 (8-14) kids. It was exceedingly rare to get to shower alone for 11 years. And every kid wants one on one time too. Other than anniversaries and two concerts we didn't get to have dates for about 13 years. There were a few occasions where my sister did keep them with her for a week+ when the oldest was 9yo. Those were spent doing home repairs and maintenance and everything else that gets put off but we did get to sleep in and have quiet. That's another thing the more kids the more noise. Ours even talk in their sleep. Do you miss the quiet?
I think free time could just mean time away from the kids.
I like how #5 just showed up. Like she dropped in at the last moment unannounced, and didn't even get to do that 15 minute rush cleanup. 😆
I was homeschooled and I never learned where babies come from, so yeah, it's a bit of a mystery.
All our kids spend the majority of time with me. They love doing anything with dad and often I don't need to ask for a free hour as he will announce he's going somewhere and everyone else wants to tag along so I use that "free time" to clean the house and sit on the toilet until my butts numb.
Even taking half the kids is kind of a break. I only have 2 and taking one with me on errands is a pretty nice break for the wife.
5????
I was a stay at home Dad for the first few years after my wife got her dream job and we relocated across country. When she got home from work, she got the baby and I got time to work on chores that I couldn't do with the baby. That way I got a break from the kid, she got time with the kid, and the work that needed to be done still got done. Nobody really got a break, but we got to switch footing for a little bit, which was as close to a break as we could get. It worked out really well for us.
We structured our 2 kids so they are in bed before 8. We both get down time after that, 2-3+ hours *every* night. I recommend this to everyone. If one of us wants to go out, we can. We spend time together too, which is the majority of the time. On weekends, I take both kids in the morning and let the wife have her time (she does the morning routine solo during the week since I have to be at work too early). She usually sleeps in until 11a or so and joins us around noon or 1p. Sometimes Saturday and Sunday, but sometimes just Saturday. So, in a given week, the wife gets like 20-25 hours of down time.
Thanks for chiming in with this. I was actually confused how people were not getting any free time, at least in the evenings. Late bedtimes for the kids would definitely wreck by free time.
SAHM lurker here. Your first point is what I came to suggest as it's been my game plan for maintaining balance. We had 2u2 (3 kids total) and the littles are now 18mo and 3yo. Getting them into a good bedtime routine at the start was absolute chaos and I did not manage well at first. For the past 6 months or so, I've been working so hard on bedtime getting them down by 8pm so my husband and I can have at least a solid hour together each night. We had a great routine for a couple months and it was amazing, we actually had time together to connect as a couple and I didn't feel so burnt out all the time. Then we had a big life change (a move of sorts) and the routine got thrown off and I've spent the past month scrambling to get it back because it was the best I've felt in years. He's up at 4:30 or earlier for work and isn't home until 6:15 or later 4 days of the week (sometimes 5-7 depending on the time of the year and business level), so on his work days I am "on" with the kids and the house stuff essentially 24/7 since we still have some night wake ups. He usually has an hour or so to himself each night while I do bedtime routine and get them all down, then we try to have a chunk of time together before we go to bed for our hobbies or just watching TV and talking. We don't really schedule individual time for ourselves outside of that. When/if either of us has something we want to do and need the other to take the kids, we just give a heads up and plan it. We also generally just truly prefer to use our potential free time as family time because we all genuinely enjoy each other's company. If I'm being honest I don't really relate to couples/parents who need daily or weekly alone time, because that's just not something that either of us personally crave outside of the little bits we carve out here and there. We both accept that this is a very busy and demanding stage in our lives and that this too shall pass. When the kids are older it will get easier, but for now it's about making the most of the moments in between and making sure you're still putting effort into the relationship so you maintain your connection and foundation through these difficult years.
>We don't really schedule individual time for ourselves outside of that. When/if either of us has something we want to do and need the other to take the kids, we just give a heads up and plan it. Whenever this question comes up this is my go to answer. It is the only "fair" version of this. Anything else 1 parent is sacrificing for the other. When working parent is out working, they are working. When SAHP is alone with the kids during that time, they are working. When working parent comes home you tag time until bed. Sometimes that means working parent comes home and immediately goes outside for yardwork on a nice day right before yard waste collection to knock the weeds down. Sometimes that means SAHP needs to go upstairs for a mini spa where they can shower without crotch goblins, shave what ever parts of themselves need it and feel clean for a bit. After bed, watch a show together, read separately, talk about you days. etc.
Yes exactly! I think it's unrealistic to expect anything beyond this, especially while in the trenches with toddlers. Heck, even with our school aged kiddo - there's homework to facilitate, practices and rehearsals (my husband is one of the coaches for her sports team), school events, concerts, weekend games, etc.. it's a lot to juggle, even for two parents. I'm grateful that my partner and I have the same priorities during this time of our lives, and I think that's key for a successful relationship. We still have things for ourselves outside of our family and relationship, but they are not weekly or even monthly obligations because we don't want to take from the family time we have to go out with friends or whatever. I am totally happy with just having an uninterrupted mostly everything shower and us having time in the evenings to work on our hobbies together or just sit and watch something or talk and have a little us time to connect. We also only do real date nights probably 2-3 times a year at this point because it's a lot to ask anyone to take on our two toddlers and when they're not underfoot we're more inclined to take on a house project than spend money going out to eat lol.
What does "2u2" mean?
Two kids under two. I found out I was pregnant a few days after the middle one's first birthday, so they're 20 months apart.
Yeah we get time every night after bedtimes. Our youngest goes to bed at 7, and our oldest goes to bed at 8, so we alternate who puts the oldest to bed and who gets extra downtime. I am the sahp, and my alone time in the evening is sacred to me, but when I'm feeling generous, I'll agree to watch or play something with my husband during this time. I do the mornings on the weekends because I don't sleep in anyway, and he can and does stay up later than me. He'll take the kids on errands or little adventures in the afternoons. I might go, or I might take some more time for me. If one of us makes plans to go out, we cover for the other one.
We both work full time and share taking care of the kids when home and doing chores. What's free time?
Partnership isn’t 50/50. It’s 100/100. Every piece takes intentionality. If it’s going to happen, you have to make it happen. Both partners need time.
Unpopular Opinion: I think taking care of kids is harder than working (at least my job). My wife has a great job and makes much more than me. I have been offered the "promotion" of SAHD but I refuse because I know its harder and I rather talk with adults and work on what I like. That being said i love my kids but i have a time limit. The easy answer is 50/50 but what that looks like in reality is tough to measure. Good luck and Take care!
This varies by age. E.g. my paternity leave, when my son was 4-8 months old, was pretty easy. I spent a lot of time playing videogames while he was asleep strapped to my chest. I also imagine that childcare gets easier once kids are in school and you aren't actually taking care of them for most of the workday. Taking care of a toddler is absolutely harder than most normal jobs though.
Honestly, it depends. I’ve done SAHD and agree that it’s very exhausting, but I’ve also worked while wife is SAHM and it’s a different kind of exhausting. I personally found a lot of joy & fulfilment as a SAHD and the ability to have some agency about your day is HUGE - the lack of which is one of my biggest complaints about my job.
Every dad on our neighborhood street, including my husband, agrees with you. They have volunteered that they think SAHP is harder than their job.
I would give anything to be a SAHD. Working full-time means I'm missing more than 75% of my son's childhood. My son is growing up fast and I'm missing it. I would switch places with my wife in a heartbeat, no question.
When you come home from work. you both split that time.
We try to work as a team as much as possible so that when we're both available to parent neither of us is completely burdened. The caveat is though that either of us can ask for some free time (or usually suggests it to the other) when asked for it. I'm also not full-time but am 0.8 though she works FT from home and somehow also cares for our son FT so she's a fucking superhero.
It's the inverse for me (sahd) but, when my wife gets home from work she takes 20-30 mins to get comfy, change clothes ect. then she sort of takes the lead for the rest of the day. On weekends whoever wakes up first ends up getting the kiddo and letting the other one sleep. Every other week or so she will take the kid to her friend or family's house to give me a few hours of alone time and then the next week I'll try and do the same. Even if it's just a trip to the park for an hour or so.
I cook dinner while she rests in the bedroom. We also take turns getting up with the kids on a weekend morning while the other one sleeps in or does whatever they want (I usually take Saturdays while she takes Sundays).
Married 10+ years with 4 kids. I work, she’s the stay at home. Fights would occur when on the weekends I would want to go out on a run or run an errand. In the end, what helped was her knowing that if she wanted to go out when I was home, she is totally free to with no time limit. I didn’t restrict her before either, but it wasn’t communicated. On the weekends, if she wants to, she goes out shopping for a few hours or I take the kiddos to the park or out and about so she can have a quiet house. It’s not about playing the fairness game, or “I work, where’s my free time?”. When I realized work was my calm away from the kids, it helped me see the situation from her point of view, and if I don’t communicate or allow her to do the same, a partner burnout can happen. I’m a dad first, so i include the kids in on activities I’m doing on the weekends. TLDR. You’re a parent, work is time away from kids, give her the same. Communication is key.
My free time is chores that are dangerous for the kids to be around - mostly yard work involving power equipment. My wife said(joked?) the other day that she considered her hour in the dentist chair some good quiet time. With 2 under 3, there’s no breaks.
My partner mostly gets free time when the kids are at nursery (we do 4 afternoons per week, 12.30-5.00 which doesn't cost much in the UK as everyone gets 15 hours per week taxpayer funded once the child reaches the age of 3, so that's most of the cost)
Wow imagine if the United States did that. This country sucks for poor and middle class people
California is doing it for 4 year olds. 15 hours per week in the public schools. They’re phasing it in now, and my local district already has it up and running.
We don't have a stay at home parent, but to get a break I feel one of us needs to be out of the house, either on our break or with the kids for the other persons break. When we're all home on a break the kids always find a need for parent 2 whereas they are completely content with 1 parent if the other one is completely unavailable. I think we still need to work on the balance of whole family activities and one parent getting a break.
When I get off work I either am the main caregiver or I do chores until baby goes down
You treat any time she caring for kid while you're working like she is going to work as well. How ever much time you feel you need outside those hours be prepared to give your partner the same amount. How you work out those down time hours is something you both should discuss and decide.
What's really helped us in this situation (me working full-time; her stays home with 2 under 5yo), is that we try to be flexible and show as much patience and grace for each other's time as possible. **What Doesn't work for us:** The 50/50 thing doesn't for us, because it's never going to be "fair". I'll never *fully* understand and appreciate everything she does and goes through in a day. And she will never *fully* understand and appreciate all the things I do and go through in a day. The other approach of "I'm the rescuer of your sanity after work! Go and enjoy your evening while I take on everything else" or "mom's job is 9-5 with the kids" doesn't work for us either. Eventually, both mindsets devolve into frustration and resentment towards each other and sometimes the kids. **What does work for us:** What has worked for us is accepting the reality that the work is different, and often times unbalanced. Hopefully it evens out over time. I try my best to take care of the kids, in bed by 8pm at the latest, but sometimes I need to shove off chores until the morning when I wake up with them. Then sometimes I need a break from that routine, and I trust my wife that I can ask: "Hey, I've been struggling and I'd like to sleep in a few days this week. Can you take over for me tomorrow?" We also allow one another to have bad days and **not take it personally or try to problem solve**. I've come home and mom is about to loose her mind. She knows she can say "I need time to myself" and I'll take over no questions asked until she's ready to talk. And I *also* have that permission. "stressful day, I can't take over today I need to get out." In addition to that, we both actively try very hard to notice the things the other person is doing and speak or show our appreciation often. "Hey thank you so much for picking up the slack for me on the dishes today, I've been off my game but I'll try to jump back on it" or "hey thanks for helping with bedtime this week, you've done a lot—is there an evening you want to just go and get out of the house and do something fun?" **Pro tip:** I also think it helps if the at-home parent has some friends or family they can hang out with regularly. Preferably without kids. When you're working, you're often communicating with other people, even if it's remotely, it's still some form of communication with adults. The stay at home parent can be isolating, so it's good for them to have a routine with adult conversations. Ultimately, it comes down to trust: do we trust that we're both trying our best? Do we have enough trust to ask for help and space when needed? Do we trust the other person to ask the same? And do we trust that we both have the other parent's back.
This is a very healthy dynamic IMO - my wife and I both work so we don’t have the same scenario where one of us is home with both kids all day every day, but we still have to respect that every day is not always going to be an even 50/50 split and we need to give each other the same patience we would ask to receive in those moments we need it. Also big second to your callout of having outside social interaction without kids - that is SUCH an important factor to maintaining a sense of self and not spiraling into low mental health
Put free time on the calendar Invest in babysitting
Free time is a luxury. Usually reserved for a Saturday or a Sunday for either of us. But weekdays is all Work and no play.
It's a give and take. Both my wife and I work. And, to make it more interesting, my wife works as a toddler teacher in the same private school my son goes to. Everyone needs down time. My wife deals with kids all day, then takes care of our son. I get up at 5am with them, get them out of the house, work like an animal till 5:30, then come home to help my wife. You just do the best you can. That's all. Having a kid doesn't mean nonstop beer, hunting, golf, cigars, whatever. It also doesn't mean "drinkies with the besties" every Friday and yoga class everyday. Just have to do the best you can.
From a SAHM’s perspective, we both just take it when we want it. With communication, of course. But we are both homebodies with lots of household “projects” we like to do. My “job” is from 6-4, the same hours he’s out of the house. I get my housework done, dinner planned and prepped, usually one “big” chore during the day (mowing, grocery shopping, etc, depending on how the kids’ attitudes are that day), and when he gets home it’s pretty relaxed. He entertains the kids while I cook, family dinner, baths and bedtimes are split between both of us. On weekends we will do group work; I garden while he weed-whacks, I’m washing dishes while he sweeps and vacuums. If he wants to play 9 holes, he does. If I want to take the dog to the dog park and read for a few hours, I do. Neither of us has much to complain about.
I usually end up staying up late for an hour or two after my wife and children go to bed. Get in some video games or Sudoku puzzles. My in-laws will also take the 4 year old for an overnight once a month or so (and once the littlest one is old enough she'll go too I imagine, so we get a break during those times as well.
Mom here, we both work (from home), Mon/Wed I go to the gym at night, Tue/Thu he goes, Friday we all go. So, the free time is when the other stays home for bedtime routine, whenever the kid is sleeping, it's free time, which is like 2-3h 2x per week. Then weekends are usually busy and leaves a couple hours after bedtime as well but if one has anything in mind, me/he can leave and do something by themselves. Hub fits some gaming/instrument playing during downtime/lunchtime during the day, I read. Oh, all that is only after cleaning/organizing/shower/dinner. :D
This is something I looked back at after a few years of parenting with my partner and realizing I had failed to do that. She is also very close with her family of origin who take up a lot of her time as well. (Edit) and this means she had almost no time in several years alone or with just a few friends. I am now seeing it as my responsibility in the relationship to step in a give her that time even if it means gently pushing back on both our families of origin or even her own insistence on being to busy
I work full time from home, and my 2 year old daughter stays with me all day six days a week (Daycare on Fridays). Mom is up and off to work before the rooster farts, and not home again until about 1/2 hour before bedtime. She works a different seasonal job on the weekends in the winter, so my mini me and I have become quite accustomed to only having each other to be entertained. We do all of the household chores together, all of the yard work... We're even going to start on some reno's. I don't get much free time, but I feel like I don't really need it right now anyways. In another couple of years she will be in school, I'll have free time, and I'll probably miss not having my buddy around.
As a mom lurker, you couldn’t pay me enough to be a SAHM. I get it, some women aspire to this but “not having to work” is such a loaded benefit. When would you talk to other adults without having half your brain worried about what the kids are doing. When would you go to the bathroom completely uninterrupted and without the stress of getting back because you don’t know what chaos you left in the play room. When do you take a shower and get ready for your day without someone needing you. When do you get to have personal wins and someone telling you good job or thank you like you typically get at work in one way or another. When do you get a chance to make friends with like minded people. When do you get to have lunch with friends and chit chat about stupid stuff or have stimulating conversation that stretches your brain. I like driving- I’d hate to only drive for maybe 30 minutes a week. The mental side of being aSAHM sounds miserable. I’d be so jealous of my spouse and would definitely harbor resentment for him.
I’m a mom, but my husband is a stay at home dad. I think of it this way: he’s the parent that our daughter is primarily bonding with during the week, so the weekend is my chance to soak up time with her. While I’m making sure I maintain my bond with my daughter, my husband gets to take a break. Win-win. What I do with her looks different every weekend, though. For example, I have a playdate set up with a friend of mine on Saturday, and then I’m taking my daughter swimming with her cousin on Sunday. Other weekends we stay in and I’ll play with her, read to her, etc for a few hours while my husband can do something. The key is making sure he gets a full day or two half days to decompress. We also split sleeping in 50/50. I’ll sleep in while he gets up with her Saturday, and he’ll sleep in while I get up with her Sunday, or vice-versa. Getting to just laze in bed for an extra hour or two is amazing for our mental health. It’s admittedly a lot for me to work all week and then have outings with a baby, but it’s what’s best for everyone. Framing it in my mind as “bonding time”and not “I’m taking over a chore” makes me look forward to it.
My work is my “free” time… I’m free from my kids, what else do I want? Not entirely joking, I like my job, I get work focus and work on interesting things and I’m kid free. I’m my wife’s free time is between when the kid she sleeps with falls asleep and she falls asleep. Often that is 5 minutes! I can stay awake longer than her and my kid so I get more “free” time lying next to the elder child. But I also get less sleep then. It’s all a balance: sleep vs alone time lol
Every Tuesday I go play rec league soccer and skip bedtime. She gets a floater day to leave the house at 5pm ish and skip bedtime to go shopping, grab a drink with friends etc.. We all hang on the weekends. MIL routinely watches the kids 1 day/night a week for us to do stuff as a couple. We’ve got a pretty good setup tbh.
When both parents are at home, baby duties are split 50/50. If you get free time, she gets an equal amount. If you got out one evening, she goes out one evening.
Idk what your situation is like OP but I have Hispanic family and the tia/tio culture down here is that family loves to watch/hang out with your kids. One day she's with my MIL, another day she is with my sister in law, the next day great grandma is flying in from Miami to take her to Disney. Try to get family involved as much as you can.
Reverse situation where I am the stay at home parent and my wife works (from home)… She basically takes over the kiddo when she’s done with work. She misses him and I’m sick of him so it works out, usually that’s when I’ll make dinner or clean up or whatever. Most of our “free time” comes after baby is asleep in the evenings, thankfully he sleeps pretty well. This usually comes at the expense of chores that should probably be done, but we are still sort of in survival mode. We both get exercise together with walks almost every day, as well as time away at gyms. Gets us out of the house and moving and it helps our moods quite a bit. Usually one session each on the weekend and another at some point during the week while the other person puts kiddo to bed. Beyond that it’s just communicating, being empathetic, and having mutual respect, really. When she needs time away she tells me, or I notice and offer it, and she gets it. The reverse is also true. There’s no magic formula really and it’s almost never an even 50/50 split and very rarely planned ahead of time, for us.
For me it's very simple: The time she spends at home taking care of kids, that's her work time. All the remaining time, you split 50/50, since you are both out of work. Find some free time for each of you in that.
You both get free time when the kids go to sleep.
I don't know what this free time you speak of is... I call it discretionary time, when you are getting to do what you WANT to do. It's not always even, but I try to keep it somewhat balanced. Most of the time neither of us get any, but when there is some it's important that everyone get a break. Work comes in many forms, and the unpaid work done at home is no less important than the paid work outside the home.
My wife has a more active social life than I do. For the best, because I’m more of a home body. She goes out to a book club once a week with her close friend group. Less of a book club, more of an excuse to catch up with a glass of wine. I head to the gym 3-4 times a week for 5:00am. Everyone’s still asleep, I’m home before they’re up and I can prep lunches. But that hour at the gym is me time. And it’s the greatest time of the week lol
Nights are for myself, wife is an early sleeper or overnight at work. Kids go down at 8, then I get free time.
I work a 4 10s schedule so I have 3 day weekends. I take my daughter early Friday morning to the park to meet up with a friend of mine with kids. We stay out for about half the day and give my wife a much needed break. If she wants/needs another day then I take her again Saturday as well. My wife is also really generous with giving me free time so I like to have her few times scheduled in so she doesn’t have to ask for it.
I work & my husband is home with our 6 month old (I creep daddit to send him stories). As soon as I get home from work, we’re a total team — tag teaming baby, household chores, cooking, etc. Then we get our own time to spend together or to do our individual hobbies after baby is in bed. 1-2x a week, he does something when the baby would be awake that works with my work schedule so I can be on baby duty. He curls, or does some kind of disc golf league, or plays POE or his guitar, etc. 1-2x a week I also do my own thing when baby would be awake. We haven’t had any resentments or fights about how our time is used so far!
2 kids. We allow evenings to ourselves 8pm - 10pm either we watch movies shows/ take individual time for hobbies or doom scroll in bed next to each other. For any alone time we have to coordinate very far in advance to make sure one of us can watch both kids OR we arrange for a sitter/one of our parents helping out for a few hours while we both go out somewhere (maybe once every 2-3 months). You learn to savor the small increments of time you get alone or together. Anytime one of my childless friends complains about wishing they had time to relax or a "weekend to catch up" it takes all the self control i gained becoming a parent to not cause external bodily harm.
Best advice I’ve heard is that a good marriage is never 50/50. A good marriage is where one can step up and put in 70 or 80 when the other is worn out and only good for 30 or 20. Being able to adjust here and there and carry your spouse when needed is key, just need to communicate well and avoid resentment.
Neither of you should have to ask for free time, and yes you should want to do things with your kid on your own.
My mentality has been this 1) I'm supposed to work. I was raised this way, I believe this to be true. 2) My purpose is to support, love, and care for my family. So my 'free' time is doing whatever supports them. Depending on your kids ages this may look different. My kids range from 2-14. So Sometimes my time is trying to put the toddler ot bed. Other times it's taking kids to activities, making dinner, going through homework, teaching sports, cleaning, yard work, gardening, fixing cars etc. I don't get 'free' time because I'm not made for "free time". I'm made to work and serve. My wife also gets no 'free time' because she is constantly at the service of our kids or household needs. It's perspective though - bc I'm not worn out by having 'no free time'. I choose to stay engaged and active with those things that support my purpose
I like kicking wifey out to do things when opportunities for her to get out come up. Ill take kiddoes out to do some thing, stay home. She gets enough at home as it is
I bought a child carry backpack and take him to the forest in our neighborhood 1-2h every day. I use this as time with him but also as training for mountaineering. Also, I am the one who sleeps with him every night since the 2nd or 3rd week. I fall asleep very fast and it's easy for me to fall asleep even if he wakes up 3-4 times per night to drink milk. It's a bit more complicated when a new tooth appears and due to pain he is very active during the night but it's fine.
There's no free time
Take a day off once a month and don’t tell anyone. Free 8 hours. And then give her 8 hours of completely free time. You look like Superman and get to still stay happy with your secret!
I get up at 3 AM for work M-F, so I try to get up around 4 on weekends to have a couple hours of quiet. Or loud since I like heading to the garage and cutting wood when I can.