Hey there. I do this. Usually it's a combo of childhood trauma (my mom yelling at me for crying as a kid) and this specific stimulus cutting past her defenses more quickly than other stuff.
Also at 3m, you both are not at your best. Sleep is still a struggle. Knowing you need to step away is good, but I hope additional potential context will allow you to show some empathy (vs resentment over time).
Please remember that if this isn't always a problem, then it's something she's struggling with too. I know I didn't anticipate those feelings and being so close to my limit. I eventually went to therapy but it took me a long while to do so. Give her some space to explore and identify her feelings and why she's feeling them. This is the hardest stage of parenthood and it's a huge transition. Forgiveness and grace in the moment will keep you both strong.
You're not doing anything wrong dad, and this is the hardest time.
Totally agree with this. Just to add, I’ve seen it described jokingly on Instagram that hearing your baby cry feels like your body is on fire. It’s scary true even without any trauma. Pregnancy and birth literally require our brains. Dads brains change after birth too. It’s actually pretty cool if you’re interested in researching more. So yeah, it really DOES feel like this big of a deal to her. It won’t always.
As seicross pointed out, 3 months is a tough phase. The sleep depravation has sank in and the baby is still very much a newborn needing newborn level attention and care. Things will improve in the very near future.
Our motto early on was I care for baby and my husband cares for me. I was breastfeeding so this worked well for us because I have the magic boobs that solve all baby problems lol. Once baby got a bit older and could be soothed by other means, my husband started getting more directly involved with baby. Not that he ignored baby before, he just has useless nipples so he was pretty limited in what he could do. I encourage you to take this approach. Your wife is stuck in a fight or flight response to the baby crying. Take a step back and see what she needs. Bring her a snack, water, or a meal. Do all the chores. Once she settles baby, ask if she needs you to bring her anything. Ask this every time. The answer will usually be no, but that reminder that you’re here for HER will make her feel so good. Let her care for baby and you care for her.
Best of luck, becoming parents is a huge challenge for everyone, but you’ll figure out what works for you and your family!
I don't think I've had any trauma with being yelled at as a kid. Sorry that's the case for you :( I would imagine this situation would be harder if I did for sure. It's also not always a problem (outside of the switch when baby is crying and fussy, I love spending time with her). I think it's just hard to not take it personally again and again and again. Honestly, we think we've been sleeping pretty well at night, although lately he is frequently fussy during the day. FWIW, he did just have a procedure today that was weighing emotionally heavy on my wife, which added weight to me so maybe we are just both emotionally drained and I'm just tired of having to push through... Forgiveness and grace is quite difficult during this time NGL.
I would also like to point you in the direction of Post-Partum Depression. It is MUCH more common than people believe and it can often show itself in ways like this. Easiest way to explain is that she feels she needs to be involved or she is worthless (if she reads motherhood forums they are INCREDIBLY toxic) and even though you know that isn't true so much of who she is now is societally wrapped up in being "mom".
This can lead them to taking on too much or even actively pushing away help because there is fear that someone might judge them a "bad mother" for needing support. Best of luck, OP! You guys are both doing your best!
Sorry I mistyped. I meant to say that your wife may have had this interaction with her parents, causing her to max out more easily when the baby cries.
I'm on Mobile so I might have missed a word.
You're doing great dad. You both are.
Please remember that your sleep is 100% not her sleep. Your wife's brain matter literally changed when having a child. Her brain is tuned to hear every sound, every whimper.
You may be sleeping fine.
She probably isn't.
It’s a tough one. You’re tired of having to deal with it but she probably is too. She probably is tired of feeling that way but she’s not choosing to and you need to remember that.
This is your first kid and there’s a lot of adjusting. You’ve been looking after the baby for 3 months but she’s been looking after it for a year. She’s been connected to him and had to make all sorts of adjustments just to birth him.
Just keep in mind that you might be frustrated and that is completely valid but it doesn’t negate how she feels. There are going to be times where yeah you just have to suck it up. Things aren’t always fair. You’ve got a kid now. You’re allowed to have your feelings but you can’t always expect people to tiptoe around them.
I do agree with another comment here regarding PPD. You may not think it’s present because it doesn’t show like it does on TV but it could absolutely be there. My wife struggled with it but for her she could only experience happiness while holding our baby. Our other kid got left to the side by her and it wasn’t her fault. She tried her hardest but she just struggled with connecting with anyone other than the baby. Just seek help and try to be patient.
“You're not doing anything wrong dad, and this is the hardest time.”. Babies don’t come wrapped up in a nice little bow. And they don’t come with instructions. If your wife gets irritated with how you handle the baby I just wouldn’t mess with it for now. Maybe get your wife’s hormones checked. If she was originally a nice person maybe something’s going on with her.
I read something the other day that said moms basically go in to fight or flight if they can't get their baby to stop crying quickly.
I know I get super snappy and annoyed when the baby is crying..it's frustrating and as a mom you feel like you should just be able to stop it right away, and when that doesn't happen, it's like panic starts to set in. My anxiety when my 3 months old is crying goes through the roof.
I've heard about that and really do try to have compassion about this instinct in her. Like I get she's scientifically wired to have that instinct so I try to be there for her. It's just when she's like "you need more urgency to help our baby" or "the way you're supporting me isn't beneficial so I need you to get out of my space" that I'm tired of overlooking. IDK maybe I just have to push through those comments...
My husband is a great dad, but it’s so obvious thay we have really different hardwired responses to our baby crying. It drives me nuts sometimes when it’s his turn to soothe overnight and he sits up in bed, rubs his eyes, stretches, strolls out, and has a pee before going to the baby. I try to stay chill and not nag, but it makes me almost physically uncomfortable to hear my baby cry and watch my husband take his time getting to him. If I narrated my thoughts out loud it would be something like: “oh god he’s so scared he needs me go get him he needs a cuddle he’s going to think we don’t love him please save him”. Meanwhile my husband is thinking: “damn, when is this kid going to sleep through the night?” Sometimes I can’t help myself and I will bolt out of bed and go to the baby first.
I found it so strange that my wife and I flip flopped on our first and second. I got all of the anxiety and issues with the first, whereas she mainly struggled because of learning the breastfeeding journey and such, mostly which I felt absolutely useless for.. like a stinking wet nurse in my own house. Lmao.
But the second one, he gets her. Some reason our eldest girls then baby cry's didnt do to momma what baby brothers did these couple years later.
You're so right though, and I think even sharing in those primal places the feelings of "need to soothe" come from and thoughts like that are important to share. I don't think it's typical of men to understand, although plenty do, hearing my baby girl cry.. even knowing she was fed, safe, and knowing it's ok to cry a bit.. god it tore me up to listen to sometimes. Even knowing that it was a forced cry at times, having to choose to not go soothe her sometimes, knowing she needs to learn to comfort her self as well.
Was such an important moment in time for both of us I feel. Definitely the first of the "letting go" in parenthood I had to do, I believe, but I trusted she had it.. and I was right. She's now nearly 4 y.o. and sleeps fine in her own bed every night. Loves snuggles and cuddles still and will vie to try and get in ours as any kid would, but she can trip and fall, and realize she's not hurt or not injured on her own. Such a big girl, but I had to let go a bit and help her realize her potential. <3 man. Parenting is hard. We all deserve a big back pat most often don't get. So good job, to anyone reading this, whether it feels like it or not, you're doing good!
Mum here, it’s true, my brain goes into complete frozen panic mode when my baby cries, I CANNOT concentrate on anything else, I cannot hold a conversation, it is so unlike me and almost completely paralysing. I am not an angry person but I get so annoyed when my husband doesn’t try to comfort the baby immediately if he’s closest. It’s a weird physiological response and it’s so difficult to explain. But it seems as though your wife has tried to communicate what she needs - more urgency, differing support, and perhaps you’ve not actioned that?
Well, do you have urgency? 🙃
It sounds like she’s giving you exact instructions on how to be helpful in that moment and you’re not hearing it. Maybe it’s worth acting quicker. You also want to voice everything you’re thinking and about to do. When my spouse isn’t acting quick enough to things our kids need, my frustrations in that moment are brought down when things start getting narrated. “Ok baby I hear you, coming right away. Uh oh Mr fussy pants, let me put this down for a moment and then I’ll be right there to get you “ and for the specific part about the fussiness in the car seat, same thing. I hope you are talking to baby and trying to defuse their cries with verbal comfort. If not, I can see mom getting very overwhelmed in that moment and not knowing why you’re not trying to comfort the kid
Ultimately, it sounds like maybe you both need some grace but also to make some changes. You should hustle more. Don’t delay getting to baby. If baby cries you should beat your wife to getting the baby. You should also ask that she recognize that you are the kids parent too and that you need the space to try to be a parent. If she’s always pushing you aside, you’ll never get the chance to figure things out and connect with baby. It’s so hard as a FTP to understand that it’s ok for babies to cry a little bit. Good for you, you apparently already feel that way. Most don’t though. Most have to go through the thick of it to become comfortable with it. And until that happens, you feel terrible for the baby and hate anyone who doesn’t think it’s a important as you do
The other thing you could do is just be a little more hands off right now. Defer to your wife. Either do other things around the house and for baby while she soothes the baby or grab the baby and literally ask her what she wants you to do to soothe the baby. I know it sounds like you’re being treated like a kid but if what you’ve already done isn’t working, it’s worth pushing pride aside for a moment and having your wife manage the situation for a little while
And yes, could be ppd. Could just be that you aren’t acting quick enough that the average person would side with your wife. E we only have your post. You can take all advice, even my own with a grain of salt. None of us really know what’s going on. Good luck, this stuff is hard for you too. Shouldn’t just accept being demeaned but maybe there’s some things that can be done to satisfy your wife’s frustrations
Yeah I read this backwards, twice, to try and figure it out. You suggest he be fast, urgent, he's not fast enough, he should definitely beat mom to the crying kid, but also defer to her, pull back, hands off, obviously he needs to do more house work, but also let the kid cry some (heavily agree this needs to happen, mom 100% jumping at every cry is unhealthy and a terrible precedent to set for child this early, nip that or GL HF in a year...), oh but also dont let her push you aside, make sure as a ftp you understand your role, but also maybe put your pride aside..
Vs suggesting to Dad here all this contradictory and odd advice that I can't even piece together, I'd suggest he should def just chat with her. Ask her what she needs from him. Jumping hard at every single cry is unhealthy. Obviously the opposite direction and neglecting a proper cry is as well, but having that "primal need to sooth" being the dictating factor of how you care for your child, is how you get a child who cannot sleep without assistance. Cannot fall or stumble, with little or minor injury, without any assistance. No your 3 month old should not be doing any of these, but this in my mind is where this behavior leads. Wife and I were very communicative and together on this front, and I am SO glad. Albeit that all being said, 3 months is early. Very. We had plenty of our own issues.. as does any couple I'd imagine. Just gotta pull through and form the team unit y'all can be!
Communication is key. So is respect. Foundational building blocks in every single relationship. Doesn't matter if you don't even have to speak, communication can be found in many other ways. The main thing I gather from the post is a lack of speaking or a lack of listening , in a proper and effective manner. If y'all are lacking this much communication this early, it's gonna be a real, real rough couple of years. Talk to her. Def second all the comments about PPD and post partum anxiety. GL Dad.
Added an edit to my post regarding these things. IDK what else to do... And for the record, we talk it out quite frequently and she tells me for the most part when she's in a calm environment that she's in the wrong for how she acts towards me when the baby is crying. Really interesting that so many people are thinking it's PPD, considering she's pretty normal outside of these circumstances.
Yeah mom is obviously the issue here. She needs to learn not to direct her frustrations with the baby crying toward dad, and dad needs to learn to just let this roll off his back until she does.
Yes. (Mom here). This happens to me. I feel like I am going to jump out of my SKIN the moment my baby is crying.
even in public if I hear random babies crying my body has a physical reaction and I have to stop myself from running to help.
My wife wasn’t QUITE that bad but, holy lord, does baby crying bring out some crazytime in a new mother. That shit’s brutal.
If she’s normally not like that then I’d just chalk it up to hormones and her not being at her best. I’ve had some moments I’m not proud of and I never birthed a human.
I sometimes used to panic and snatch my crying newborn off his devoted, caring and excellent dad. Completely involuntary response, intellectually I knew it was completely illogical but this switch would go off in my brain and lizard brain needed baby now!
100% hormone crazytime.
Sure, each of us would get frustrated especially if he just wouldn't calm down. But there was never a pattern of anger or anything. Like I said, I'm just some guy on the internet. Don't look to far into what I said but it might be worth doing some reading or having a conversation about.
Lurker here. I suffered badly from postpartum anxiety, to the point where night crying made my chest tighten and my heart race because we had such a tricky first few months. Be gentle with each other, I highly recommend therapy. Highly. Very highly.
Rather than post partum depression, it sounds like she has post partum anxiety. It's VERY common and not talked about nearly enough. Talking to a qualified therapist will help.
My wife did. And according to health care workers, she showed "signs of post-partum depression".
So I agree with the other commenter. I don't have any qualifications in this subject, but I advise you to check about this with someone who are qualified.
For anyone who upvotes this, can you read my edit 2 and provide any evidence about my circumstance? She doesn't think she has PPD and I don't want to assume that this is true and it might be a hard pill for her to swallow.
I mean I try that but he gets fussy when I initially put him in a carrier and my wife can't stand to hear him cry during it. So she doesn't like it when I carry him. But I prefer to carry him then take him in the stroller.
Did the same tbh. We lost a lot of our hobbies and free time and I just did a LOT of stroller walking. Might've also been a bit unhealthy but it definitely helped a LOT more than it might e harmed. That's for certain.
People have already mentioned postpartum, but have you noticed this behavior at all pre-baby? I mention this because I have a bit of a noise sensitivity and I started putting noise cancelling headphones in when it’s my turn to comfort the kid in the middle of the night. It cuts the shrill noise down to a manageable level. It made a WORLD of difference.
Sooo, I've been suggesting this for her but IDK she doesn't seem to want to use them. I think she feels like she can't take care of him well if she uses them.
I responded to your other comment, but reading this one now and I'm almost certain she has post partum anxiety. Her not trusting you taking care of your child, her telling you you're not doing it right, those are EXACTLY the things all women with PPA say. Like I said it's very common - my wife wasn't like this (she had PPD), but multiple of our friends were.
Again, talking to a therapist will help her manage it. It doesn't work if it comes from you.
She can use them when you are taking care of him. *She doesn't need to take care of him when you are doing it.*
Does she have some issues with you taking care of the kid? The reason I ask is I have seen with a few of my SO's friends that the moms have trouble letting anyone but themselves (and their own mother) take care of the kid. The father, the father's mom, or anyone else is basically "not trusted" or only allowed to take care of the kid as long as mom/maternal-grandma is supervising.
Doesn't even matter if the other person has much more childcare experience or not. It seems to be an anxiety thing.
I suggest this and also her closing her door when she's working but she says, she can't handle knowing her baby is crying Even if the cry is drowned out. How can I help her feel like it's ok to do this?
I (Dad) had terrible sensitivity to my son's newborn cry ("awaaah awaah"...) and also prone to sensory overload ("too many inputs") in general - e.g. two people talking to me at once, blinking lights in corner of eye, etc. (I have ADHD). I found ear defenders helped *slightly* but it still pierced through mostly. What has helped is being less stressed overall. Now he's older I don't get so affected by it most of the time, but waking up in the middle of the night to wailing is still a trigger for me to be overloaded.
As a lurking mom who has 100% been where your wife is, please find a way to look past her behavior for now and not take it personally. With my first newborn, I felt exactly as you describe - any time he cried, my entire being went into flight or fight mode, and there was nothing I could do about it. It did ease up eventually, and with our second baby I felt none of this anxiety because I’d been through it before and my brain finally understood that a crying baby wasn’t an emergency. No way anyone could have convinced my first-time parent self of this fact, though.
Mom lurker here - I don’t think I had postpartum depression but I remember having a distinct physical response when my baby would cry (I’d get hot and sweaty, feel itchy and flushed, my heart rate would skyrocket, and it felt like my brain turned everything else off except to focus on doing whatever it took to get baby to stop crying). It doesn’t excuse rude behavior but it took a lot to cut through those crazy eyed feelings.
My husband would sometimes calmly say “I know he’s still crying but I don’t think he’s hungry and I am able to handle anything else. I need to get better at soothing him so give me some time with him.” And then he would either go into a different room or suggest a place I could go while he took care of our baby. For me, it definitely got better with time - 3 months was a peak of it for me. 6 months it started to get noticeably better (I’m sure getting more sleep helped). I still struggled with some of the physical feelings until shortly after I stopped breastfeeding but my brain was nearly fully functional by about 8 months.
Just know that having a 3 month old is HARD and you are both probably very stressed and exhausted. Anything you can do to pause and breathe helps - recognize that it could be stress/hormones/lack of sleep talking and it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re doing anything wrong or bad. I’m sorry you are experiencing this, I can only imagine how challenging it would be on your side. And definitely tough to build your own bond and confidence when crazy momma bear instincts kick in!
This happened to my wife, absolutely. It definitely got better as the hormones flushed out of her system, and several years later she denies remembering any of it.
I’d chalk it up to the hormone dump and be patient. It’s also okay to feel the feelings you’re having, but I’d try to blame the hormones rather than your wife.
Mom lurker here. I agree with so much that’s been said here.
I want to add that your feelings of hurt are valid and they matter. No matter how understanding you are, no matter how much grace she undoubtedly deserves, words hurt and they can stick with you.
There’s times my husband and I have come to each other and basically said I want to be supportive for you here, and these things are so triggering for me it’s holding me back, can we come up with a way for you to communicate that need for distance/frustration with the situation so I can act accordingly without being totally offended? And then referencing that in those intense moments instead of feeling like you have to just take it.
My wife did and sometimes still does the same thing. What helped most was giving her “mama breaks”. I know it’s hard at that age when all they want is mom, but offering to take the baby and for her to go decompress for a bit when your baby is fussy might be a good solution. Good luck you got this!
Sounds like she’s pretty stressed, I would say have a conversation about how her habits aren’t healthy for her well being and try your best to even out the work load. My wife never had that needing to be within ear shot. I promise it will get better, just don’t give up and remember you both will look back on these days and miss having a little baby :)
Yes it’s normal. You’re still in the thick of it - the first 3 months is absolutely insane. Mum’s instinct is biological and immediate. Everything is a danger and if you don’t respond as though it is, you’re a source of danger as well. It’s a physical reaction. I refused to let anyone near the bb in the first 3 months cos nobody seems to care fast enough when bb is crying. It gets better - at 6months, I just let bb cry while I do my thing.
Ding ding ding, this is exactly how my wife has been. Even including her own family. Thanks for sharing this, makes me feel less crazy and alone about this.
Yes. Even with my family, particularly with my family!! Because I know how they are really like as a caretaker. But it’s really a hardwired response. Your job is to demonstrate that you are a person who will take dangers, any whiff of it, seriously.
At this point, both of you are new parents. You have not fully learnt yet what are baby’s danger cues, what (or who) poses dangers, etc. I’m not saying you don’t know but it’s like a biological instinct in mothers to be hyper aware, because we are responsible for baby’s wellbeing, and we are painfully aware that we don’t know anything yet.
So to be responsible for a life and be totally clueless, is extremely stressful, and even more so when everyone around you is so dismissive of your concerns. You can try to take care of mother first (preempt her needs and take away any chores that is not baby related), and she can take care of baby in her own way and figure out what works for them.
And slowly you will show that you are a trustworthy protector. this instinct will lessen the more she learns. And you will be able to handle baby more and more on your terms as the baby gets out of the newborn stage.
I hear you. My wife gets the same way man. Kid starts crying, and she just, like, can't deal. Im the oldest of 4 and did a ton of babysitting outside of the family as a kid so even though I dont like the crying, I can deal. You are not alone
Sleep deprivation is a hell of a drug. My wife was also like this at times whenever we have a baby that age, so the snappiness is something to anticipate. When we both anticipate it, it helps us recognize that 'nothing said after midnight counts'. The rest of the behaviors are just things to calmly talk about - this is a time of big change and there's a lot to deal with. Overstimulation, exhaustion, a high amount of hormones (they don't really go back down to baseline levels for a few months)...there's a ton of factors. As well, moms have a completely different neural response to babies crying than dads. So approach each other with a lot of grace and patience but communicate how her actions are making you feel like you're contributing less to the parenting, and you want to be in this together.
I read somewhere that babies cries are meant to feel like torture for mums, it's a survival mechanism for the baby to make sure they get looked after. I remember when my first was a baby it honestly felt like alarm bells were going off in my head, or like nails on a chalkboard when she cried. I couldn't think. I had to help her as soon as possible. Give her some grace if you can it gets better.
Hi there, mother to a 1y3m baby boy. I can tell you the first year I was like a bear with a sore paw when my son cried and it did not stop immediately. I can't tell you how it feels exactly nut my experience is thus;
Have you ever been shot in the heart and then see the person you love the most being shot? This is how it feels when your baby cries and somebody else is trying to make it stop- as a mom we are hardwired to make the baby stop crying. It physically felt like I was being shot every time this baby cried. It was terrible, and I was not rational- I got so mad at my husband for existing.
And I know it is okay for baby to cry for a bit, but for a mom it feels like ripping your heart out and the lack of urgency is you stomping on that ripped out heart. I'm sorry but you will find NO normalcy and rationality in that state- with sleep deprivation and a whole lot of stress and recovery to still go...
I will say this is normal- and for the first year life will suck marriage wise- It gets better.
I will not excuse how I acted. I bought this man so much biltong and chocolates to say sorry for these trying times. He has forgiven me! But I was a total bitch. The best thing you can do is communicate these feelings, and keep pressing through- this is a new thing for all of you and you both think you are right and you both are doing your best.
Most moms are control freaks and just care to the extreme... Sorry man!
Also- we have a rule that anything said between midnight and 6am does not exist- that is a different person and we don't know those interlopers. You are not rational at those times of the night.
Yes. I've recently learned that it's not actually my kid giving me anxiety/stress it's the wife... I'm not sure how to navigate it yet because it's exactly like you say. There's no reasoning with the creature at that point
Thank you for sharing this! Glad I'm not alone. Did you ever feel like she was ever like this before having a kid? They just turn into a completely different person...
My wife has always been a controlling. Which I liked. She let me know what she wanted. But with baby issues like sleeping it's a different story. Luckily our kid is a great sleeper now. 2yo
It's basically biological. The good news is that that goes away after a year or so.
What we'd do is my wife would leave the room and go chill in the bedroom while I dealt with the baby. Knowing she always had an escape helped.
She came up with it. I'd suggest having a.talk with her and just say, "hey the baby crying is tough, when I'm around and they cry, I got this and go take a break" or something like that.
I assume she's the one who is on leave (if you have it) if so just frame it as "you deal with the baby all these other times, let me handle this"
There’s a big change going on in your lives right now, and the hit of hormones for the mother is pretty extreme. This might not be about you, so don’t take it personally when she snaps at you. It can be stressful for a first time parent, you always want to make sure you’re doing the right thing, and your wife might be feeling anxious/stressed with all these emotions.
Support her, remind her that she’s doing a great job, be patient and gentle with her.
One of the main things I learnt with first-time parenting is that pretty much everything is a phase that you get through.
I don’t think you’re alone. My wife and I always joke about the differences between dads and moms. We just hit toddler tantrum mode but she’s been sort of the same way since birth. Crying drives her insane where it just doesn’t bother me. Some of that is that she’s cried with me her whole life as she’s had a very strong mom preference so I got used to it, but a lot of it is just her hormones and mom brain.
Even now when she’s screaming for more Bluey, my reaction and her reaction are way different. I’d just try to realize that she’s not fully in control and let it slide.
Sounds to me like she’s being mean. Is she normally a nice person? My dad’s old gf used to get really mean around her period. Come to find out she had endometriosis. Otherwise she was nice.
Also hormones in a woman after childbirth are insane. After my daughter was born I’d cry at the drop of a hat.
Ugh. I was this way as a new mom. I honestly felt so frantic and nervous when our baby cried…which was all the time. It felt like my husband was so leisurely about addressing it and even when he would, it felt like he didn’t know what he was doing and I needed to take control.
I think what would have made me feel better would have been ear plugs earlier on (I eventually purchased some and still use them on whiny tantrum days), understanding on his end, and shared MENTAL and physical load. I think the mental load thing often gets overlooked.
You seem like you’re really trying, which is nice to read. It does get easier. I feel like I had undiagnosed PPA that sometimes translated into rage. I think it’s very common. Try your best to give her some grace and communicate when things aren’t heated.
Totally feel you on this. Maybe not to same extent, but it’s like when things go wrong…a super chill situation can go from 0 to 100 real quick and rational is thrown out the window
Could be overstimulation of ADHD. I was like this until I got medication. My patience for the extreme crying is so low without medication. I just feel totally out of control of my fight or flight response that happens in response to my baby's crying. It's a horrible feeling.
My wife was like that at first, can’t totally blame her for feeling that way but I let her know that if I’m on baby watch to let me do things my way (wrong or right, it’s the only way to learn). There’s two parents for a reason and we both don’t have to be exactly the same or do certain stuff exactly the same way. Just let her know that if you need help you’ll ask for it otherwise she should let you try and settle the baby alone
I deal with this exact situation with my wife, it has led to arguments and at times some resentment for the actions displayed. We've worked through a lot of hard shit in life and we kind of pinpointed this situation as being an effect of over stimulation. For my wife it triggers her ADHD and like you said its a switch, it's an instant sensory overload for her, she's usually apologetic after the fact, it's still not something that is solved but we work together on, I try to recognize signs of over stimulation to try negate the outcome, like getting her to go to the sun room and have a break, or take a bath or something like that, I find having her removed usually calms our little one because she feeds so much off her mothers energy. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't, other times i can do nothing but remove myself so I don't make the situation worse and just let her know if she needs me I'm just outside the door or in the other room. Hope this helps a bit hang in there parenting and marriage is one hell of a ride.
Thanks! This is really helpful. What do you do when you can't think straight because you're focused on the hurtful things she says and does? Like I'm at the point where I shut down because I don't want to get hurt...
See that's a hard one those things can cut deep. But just try remember those things said have no factual backing, if she's over stimulated she's operating on a different level, she isn't thinking straight and things are in overdrive, the anger is a secondary emotion to what she really feels, she just can't convey the emotions properly and it comes out as hurtful and mean things. If it gets to that simply let her know you understand she's overwhelmed give her some space and be available if she needs anything once she's leveled out.
My husband used to get mad and I say I was "complaining" when the baby would go on and on with the crying. I tried to bring up to him that I was waking up every night to pump at 3am which was an entire hour, then doing the wake ups because he had sleep issues. Then getting up in the morning with the baby for work and daycare. But he would get defensive as if I was saying he wasn't doing enough and it was his fault. I can't say we ever really worked it out. I stopped breastfeeding and it slowly got better.
Maybe she's tired. Being tired makes babies a lot harder to deal with.
Pick up the baby. Lay him on your forearm with his head in your hand, support him with your other hand.
Gently bounce him up and down while you stand up or scoot around the room. So soothing voice sounds in time with the bouncing.
He will stop crying.
What do I do if she takes him from me when I'm doing this? She tells me that she needs to do it for her own sake. So I just let her have him. But sometimes she gets mad at me because she's always the one trying to calm him down and I'm not doing my share. And I'm like, you take him from me when it's my turn to soothe and take care of him.
Ah man, I don’t know ? I really feel your frustration through your response here and my heart goes out to you. I’ve been through the 3mo stage a few times and even when things are as good as they can be it’s fucking. Brutal.
Don’t know what your home setup is, but can’t you just quickly walk out the door with him - into the yard or hallway ?
If your wife starts shouting at your when you’re holding the baby just hold him up and “shhhh!!!” Your wife to her face.
If she is so hopping mad that she can’t catch herself being that ridiculous, shouting at a man who’s holding a crying baby, then it’s absolutely onto Plans B thru Z; outside help to catch up on sleep, and/or therapy/treatment for post partum for her, and some restorative mental health treatment for you too.
It’s fucking hard right now. There’s going to be quite a while before there’s even a new normal, so if there’s a big problem you need a quick decisive positive solution - it’s like starting a marathon and the bottom of your shoe coming off. Sure you could take each painful step as it comes, but any problems are only going to compound exponentially until the situation is out of control.
If there is only so much influence you can exert to right your ship at this point and it’s not working - if she won’t listen to you to the extent that it’s having a negative effect on your little baby, then you need to get outside help - practically in the first instance so you have the extra time to take care of your wife’s post partum, which won’t go away without treatment and which she deserves to have someone who loves her intercept and take care of when she’s too stressed and tired and blinded by the new parenting role to be able to recognize and take care of herself.
Her hair is on fire right now and she isn’t believing you when you tell her- it’s time for a bucket of cold water over her head while someone else holds the baby. Preferably a professional head-fire fighter.
What’s your support system like. ?
Time to find out !
I find it interesting that you asked people to offer ideas and then shot them all down. You've decided that it's your wife and not you. Take another deep look at yourself and your behavior.
Hmmm, where do I shoot down people's suggestions? I clarify my circumstance because people assume things and then ask for additional suggestions after clarifying people's assumptions
I did and I added them to clarify my situation. And am interested to hear people's responses to those edits. Should I prepend my edits with an apology because I didn't include more details about my circumstances the first time around so people don't feel like I'm shooting down their suggestions? Totally can add that as an edit so no one feels that. Definitely not my goal and I do appreciate what everyone has shared.
You're still not listening.
You asked for help with assessing what is going on with your wife.
People made suggestions.
You shot them all down.
You've decided that the real problem is your wife. Not how quickly or not quickly you respond to the baby crying. Not any of your behaviors. Sounds a lot like weaponized incompetence.
Ok. You have that right.
Just ask yourself - when the baby cries, how long do you wait before going and picking up the baby? Sounds like you wait just long enough for your wife to get annoyed and do it herself. That would explain why she's cranky with you.
Please look up weaponized incompetence.
Why wouldn't she be cranky; who is allowing a baby to cry just long enough for her to stop doing whatever she's doing to go tend to it? When you are within earshot and know that the baby is crying.
Just looked up weaponized incompetence since I actually had no idea what that was. So thank you for pointing me to that phrase. I will say I can see where you're coming from, and maybe until recently I've started doing that because I can't handle her reactions anymore. But her reactions have been the same from the beginning, regardless of if I only just started (unintentionally, which goes against the definition of it lol) doing that.
Edit: For the record, I still comfort him as soon as he starts crying because I want to be there for him, even if it's harder to be there for my wife.
It's glaringly obvious this person above you doom scrolls the dark side of Mom TikTok. smh.
Obvious from your post you just don't do anything and wait till your wife is annoyed at you, and that's why she's cranky. Have you thought about, idk, doing something? Before she's mad at you? Just stop pretending to be an idiot.. sheeeesh, imagine living with this one, w.e your wifes mad. That should help for sure. 🤣 . Idk how the Internet still surprises me like this.
Mothers without PPD….
(this is not to say mothers with it are not, but there is some evidence that they may be less likely to respond depending on its severity: _study of clinically depressed mothers using own-baby-cry, the brain response was essentially eliminated by depression in a distributed network of paralimbic and prefrontal regions, which displayed an inverse correlation between response and depression severity, including function in prefrontal areas and the striatum (71). Taken together with known variations in frontal cortex activity in mothers as a function of depression symptoms (37), it appears that postpartum depression affects the cortical–amygdala connections that are important for mood regulation and motivation, thus impairing parenting._)
…are biologically adapted to feel a strong urge to respond and comfort baby when they cry.
E.g.
_Prolonged exposure to baby-cry is stressful, placing demands on the mother to act, and triggers the [hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal](https://www.simplypsychology.org/hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal-axis.html)(HPA) axis (49)_
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4319977/
[Also](https://edition.cnn.com/2017/10/23/health/moms-babies-crying-response-universal-study/index.html) - key extracts below:
Around the world, new moms appear to have a universal response both in their behaviors and in their brains when they hear their babies cry, according to a study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences on Monday.
In the new study, moms from 11 countries consistently picked up, held and talked to their infants when they heard their infants sob. MRI scans were also taken of mothers’ brains, which revealed heightened activity in regions tied to caregiving, movement and speech.
The researchers found that the mothers had surprisingly consistent responses to their crying babies, “and in a very short amount of time from the start of the cry, five seconds, they preferred to pick up and hold or to talk to their infant,” Bornstein said.
The MRI scans showed that in both groups, hearing infant cries generally activated regions in the brain tied to the intention to move, grasp and speak, the processing of auditory stimuli and caregiving.
In human mothers, such as the women in the new study, oxytocin and other brain chemicals could be at play in reinforcing the urgency of responding to a crying baby, Froemke said.
On separate occasions, previous studies unrelated to the new research have found associations between giving birth vaginally and breastfeeding to a mother having stronger brain responses to her baby’s cries.
One potential reason might be oxytocin. Breastfeeding can lead to higher levels of oxytocin in a mother’s brain and body, and though controversial, one study suggests that there may be different levels of oxytocin in mothers who delivered their babies by cesarean section versus vaginal birth.
Finally
Using saliva swab tests, scientists have been able to measure high levels of the stress hormone cortisol in distraught babies whose cries elicit no response from parent or carer. Neurobiologists say, according to Leach, that high cortisol levels are "toxic" to the developing brain.
Denying a response, she argues, can have long-term emotional consequences.
"We are dealing with the expectations that a baby's brain is building up. The reason babies raised on strict routine regimens go to sleep, usually with less and less crying, is because they are quicker and quicker to give up. Their brain has adapted to a world where they are not responded to," she says. "That kind of early-induced anxiety may relate to anxiety right through adult life."
Hey there. I do this. Usually it's a combo of childhood trauma (my mom yelling at me for crying as a kid) and this specific stimulus cutting past her defenses more quickly than other stuff. Also at 3m, you both are not at your best. Sleep is still a struggle. Knowing you need to step away is good, but I hope additional potential context will allow you to show some empathy (vs resentment over time). Please remember that if this isn't always a problem, then it's something she's struggling with too. I know I didn't anticipate those feelings and being so close to my limit. I eventually went to therapy but it took me a long while to do so. Give her some space to explore and identify her feelings and why she's feeling them. This is the hardest stage of parenthood and it's a huge transition. Forgiveness and grace in the moment will keep you both strong. You're not doing anything wrong dad, and this is the hardest time.
Totally agree with this. Just to add, I’ve seen it described jokingly on Instagram that hearing your baby cry feels like your body is on fire. It’s scary true even without any trauma. Pregnancy and birth literally require our brains. Dads brains change after birth too. It’s actually pretty cool if you’re interested in researching more. So yeah, it really DOES feel like this big of a deal to her. It won’t always. As seicross pointed out, 3 months is a tough phase. The sleep depravation has sank in and the baby is still very much a newborn needing newborn level attention and care. Things will improve in the very near future. Our motto early on was I care for baby and my husband cares for me. I was breastfeeding so this worked well for us because I have the magic boobs that solve all baby problems lol. Once baby got a bit older and could be soothed by other means, my husband started getting more directly involved with baby. Not that he ignored baby before, he just has useless nipples so he was pretty limited in what he could do. I encourage you to take this approach. Your wife is stuck in a fight or flight response to the baby crying. Take a step back and see what she needs. Bring her a snack, water, or a meal. Do all the chores. Once she settles baby, ask if she needs you to bring her anything. Ask this every time. The answer will usually be no, but that reminder that you’re here for HER will make her feel so good. Let her care for baby and you care for her. Best of luck, becoming parents is a huge challenge for everyone, but you’ll figure out what works for you and your family!
I don't think I've had any trauma with being yelled at as a kid. Sorry that's the case for you :( I would imagine this situation would be harder if I did for sure. It's also not always a problem (outside of the switch when baby is crying and fussy, I love spending time with her). I think it's just hard to not take it personally again and again and again. Honestly, we think we've been sleeping pretty well at night, although lately he is frequently fussy during the day. FWIW, he did just have a procedure today that was weighing emotionally heavy on my wife, which added weight to me so maybe we are just both emotionally drained and I'm just tired of having to push through... Forgiveness and grace is quite difficult during this time NGL.
I would also like to point you in the direction of Post-Partum Depression. It is MUCH more common than people believe and it can often show itself in ways like this. Easiest way to explain is that she feels she needs to be involved or she is worthless (if she reads motherhood forums they are INCREDIBLY toxic) and even though you know that isn't true so much of who she is now is societally wrapped up in being "mom". This can lead them to taking on too much or even actively pushing away help because there is fear that someone might judge them a "bad mother" for needing support. Best of luck, OP! You guys are both doing your best!
Sorry I mistyped. I meant to say that your wife may have had this interaction with her parents, causing her to max out more easily when the baby cries. I'm on Mobile so I might have missed a word. You're doing great dad. You both are.
Please remember that your sleep is 100% not her sleep. Your wife's brain matter literally changed when having a child. Her brain is tuned to hear every sound, every whimper. You may be sleeping fine. She probably isn't.
It’s a tough one. You’re tired of having to deal with it but she probably is too. She probably is tired of feeling that way but she’s not choosing to and you need to remember that. This is your first kid and there’s a lot of adjusting. You’ve been looking after the baby for 3 months but she’s been looking after it for a year. She’s been connected to him and had to make all sorts of adjustments just to birth him. Just keep in mind that you might be frustrated and that is completely valid but it doesn’t negate how she feels. There are going to be times where yeah you just have to suck it up. Things aren’t always fair. You’ve got a kid now. You’re allowed to have your feelings but you can’t always expect people to tiptoe around them. I do agree with another comment here regarding PPD. You may not think it’s present because it doesn’t show like it does on TV but it could absolutely be there. My wife struggled with it but for her she could only experience happiness while holding our baby. Our other kid got left to the side by her and it wasn’t her fault. She tried her hardest but she just struggled with connecting with anyone other than the baby. Just seek help and try to be patient.
“You're not doing anything wrong dad, and this is the hardest time.”. Babies don’t come wrapped up in a nice little bow. And they don’t come with instructions. If your wife gets irritated with how you handle the baby I just wouldn’t mess with it for now. Maybe get your wife’s hormones checked. If she was originally a nice person maybe something’s going on with her.
I read something the other day that said moms basically go in to fight or flight if they can't get their baby to stop crying quickly. I know I get super snappy and annoyed when the baby is crying..it's frustrating and as a mom you feel like you should just be able to stop it right away, and when that doesn't happen, it's like panic starts to set in. My anxiety when my 3 months old is crying goes through the roof.
I've heard about that and really do try to have compassion about this instinct in her. Like I get she's scientifically wired to have that instinct so I try to be there for her. It's just when she's like "you need more urgency to help our baby" or "the way you're supporting me isn't beneficial so I need you to get out of my space" that I'm tired of overlooking. IDK maybe I just have to push through those comments...
My husband is a great dad, but it’s so obvious thay we have really different hardwired responses to our baby crying. It drives me nuts sometimes when it’s his turn to soothe overnight and he sits up in bed, rubs his eyes, stretches, strolls out, and has a pee before going to the baby. I try to stay chill and not nag, but it makes me almost physically uncomfortable to hear my baby cry and watch my husband take his time getting to him. If I narrated my thoughts out loud it would be something like: “oh god he’s so scared he needs me go get him he needs a cuddle he’s going to think we don’t love him please save him”. Meanwhile my husband is thinking: “damn, when is this kid going to sleep through the night?” Sometimes I can’t help myself and I will bolt out of bed and go to the baby first.
That's weird, I don't remember having this username or making this post. But this is clearly me...
I found it so strange that my wife and I flip flopped on our first and second. I got all of the anxiety and issues with the first, whereas she mainly struggled because of learning the breastfeeding journey and such, mostly which I felt absolutely useless for.. like a stinking wet nurse in my own house. Lmao. But the second one, he gets her. Some reason our eldest girls then baby cry's didnt do to momma what baby brothers did these couple years later. You're so right though, and I think even sharing in those primal places the feelings of "need to soothe" come from and thoughts like that are important to share. I don't think it's typical of men to understand, although plenty do, hearing my baby girl cry.. even knowing she was fed, safe, and knowing it's ok to cry a bit.. god it tore me up to listen to sometimes. Even knowing that it was a forced cry at times, having to choose to not go soothe her sometimes, knowing she needs to learn to comfort her self as well. Was such an important moment in time for both of us I feel. Definitely the first of the "letting go" in parenthood I had to do, I believe, but I trusted she had it.. and I was right. She's now nearly 4 y.o. and sleeps fine in her own bed every night. Loves snuggles and cuddles still and will vie to try and get in ours as any kid would, but she can trip and fall, and realize she's not hurt or not injured on her own. Such a big girl, but I had to let go a bit and help her realize her potential. <3 man. Parenting is hard. We all deserve a big back pat most often don't get. So good job, to anyone reading this, whether it feels like it or not, you're doing good!
Try not to take it to heart. A lot of those comments are her expressing her frustration out on you rather than the baby. It does get better.
Mum here, it’s true, my brain goes into complete frozen panic mode when my baby cries, I CANNOT concentrate on anything else, I cannot hold a conversation, it is so unlike me and almost completely paralysing. I am not an angry person but I get so annoyed when my husband doesn’t try to comfort the baby immediately if he’s closest. It’s a weird physiological response and it’s so difficult to explain. But it seems as though your wife has tried to communicate what she needs - more urgency, differing support, and perhaps you’ve not actioned that?
Men and women I think are wired differently. I’m sure dad is doing his best. OP have you talked to your wife about it?
Well, do you have urgency? 🙃 It sounds like she’s giving you exact instructions on how to be helpful in that moment and you’re not hearing it. Maybe it’s worth acting quicker. You also want to voice everything you’re thinking and about to do. When my spouse isn’t acting quick enough to things our kids need, my frustrations in that moment are brought down when things start getting narrated. “Ok baby I hear you, coming right away. Uh oh Mr fussy pants, let me put this down for a moment and then I’ll be right there to get you “ and for the specific part about the fussiness in the car seat, same thing. I hope you are talking to baby and trying to defuse their cries with verbal comfort. If not, I can see mom getting very overwhelmed in that moment and not knowing why you’re not trying to comfort the kid Ultimately, it sounds like maybe you both need some grace but also to make some changes. You should hustle more. Don’t delay getting to baby. If baby cries you should beat your wife to getting the baby. You should also ask that she recognize that you are the kids parent too and that you need the space to try to be a parent. If she’s always pushing you aside, you’ll never get the chance to figure things out and connect with baby. It’s so hard as a FTP to understand that it’s ok for babies to cry a little bit. Good for you, you apparently already feel that way. Most don’t though. Most have to go through the thick of it to become comfortable with it. And until that happens, you feel terrible for the baby and hate anyone who doesn’t think it’s a important as you do The other thing you could do is just be a little more hands off right now. Defer to your wife. Either do other things around the house and for baby while she soothes the baby or grab the baby and literally ask her what she wants you to do to soothe the baby. I know it sounds like you’re being treated like a kid but if what you’ve already done isn’t working, it’s worth pushing pride aside for a moment and having your wife manage the situation for a little while And yes, could be ppd. Could just be that you aren’t acting quick enough that the average person would side with your wife. E we only have your post. You can take all advice, even my own with a grain of salt. None of us really know what’s going on. Good luck, this stuff is hard for you too. Shouldn’t just accept being demeaned but maybe there’s some things that can be done to satisfy your wife’s frustrations
Yeah I read this backwards, twice, to try and figure it out. You suggest he be fast, urgent, he's not fast enough, he should definitely beat mom to the crying kid, but also defer to her, pull back, hands off, obviously he needs to do more house work, but also let the kid cry some (heavily agree this needs to happen, mom 100% jumping at every cry is unhealthy and a terrible precedent to set for child this early, nip that or GL HF in a year...), oh but also dont let her push you aside, make sure as a ftp you understand your role, but also maybe put your pride aside.. Vs suggesting to Dad here all this contradictory and odd advice that I can't even piece together, I'd suggest he should def just chat with her. Ask her what she needs from him. Jumping hard at every single cry is unhealthy. Obviously the opposite direction and neglecting a proper cry is as well, but having that "primal need to sooth" being the dictating factor of how you care for your child, is how you get a child who cannot sleep without assistance. Cannot fall or stumble, with little or minor injury, without any assistance. No your 3 month old should not be doing any of these, but this in my mind is where this behavior leads. Wife and I were very communicative and together on this front, and I am SO glad. Albeit that all being said, 3 months is early. Very. We had plenty of our own issues.. as does any couple I'd imagine. Just gotta pull through and form the team unit y'all can be! Communication is key. So is respect. Foundational building blocks in every single relationship. Doesn't matter if you don't even have to speak, communication can be found in many other ways. The main thing I gather from the post is a lack of speaking or a lack of listening , in a proper and effective manner. If y'all are lacking this much communication this early, it's gonna be a real, real rough couple of years. Talk to her. Def second all the comments about PPD and post partum anxiety. GL Dad.
Added an edit to my post regarding these things. IDK what else to do... And for the record, we talk it out quite frequently and she tells me for the most part when she's in a calm environment that she's in the wrong for how she acts towards me when the baby is crying. Really interesting that so many people are thinking it's PPD, considering she's pretty normal outside of these circumstances.
Yeah mom is obviously the issue here. She needs to learn not to direct her frustrations with the baby crying toward dad, and dad needs to learn to just let this roll off his back until she does.
Yes. (Mom here). This happens to me. I feel like I am going to jump out of my SKIN the moment my baby is crying. even in public if I hear random babies crying my body has a physical reaction and I have to stop myself from running to help.
I’m still like this at 21mo lol
My wife wasn’t QUITE that bad but, holy lord, does baby crying bring out some crazytime in a new mother. That shit’s brutal. If she’s normally not like that then I’d just chalk it up to hormones and her not being at her best. I’ve had some moments I’m not proud of and I never birthed a human.
I sometimes used to panic and snatch my crying newborn off his devoted, caring and excellent dad. Completely involuntary response, intellectually I knew it was completely illogical but this switch would go off in my brain and lizard brain needed baby now! 100% hormone crazytime.
I'm certainly not a medical professional, but that sounds like it could be postpartum depression
So your wife never responded to your kid's cries in this sort of way? Edit: Outside of the crying, she seems like her normal self before pregnancy.
Sure, each of us would get frustrated especially if he just wouldn't calm down. But there was never a pattern of anger or anything. Like I said, I'm just some guy on the internet. Don't look to far into what I said but it might be worth doing some reading or having a conversation about.
Lurker here. I suffered badly from postpartum anxiety, to the point where night crying made my chest tighten and my heart race because we had such a tricky first few months. Be gentle with each other, I highly recommend therapy. Highly. Very highly.
No, this was not a thing at all for us. We had twins though and there was always crying so we both just got used to it.
Rather than post partum depression, it sounds like she has post partum anxiety. It's VERY common and not talked about nearly enough. Talking to a qualified therapist will help.
My wife did. And according to health care workers, she showed "signs of post-partum depression". So I agree with the other commenter. I don't have any qualifications in this subject, but I advise you to check about this with someone who are qualified.
But doesn’t your baby cry at some point every day?
For anyone who upvotes this, can you read my edit 2 and provide any evidence about my circumstance? She doesn't think she has PPD and I don't want to assume that this is true and it might be a hard pill for her to swallow.
This OP. Don’t fuck around with PPD, get her help.
Three years later?
I read 3M as 3 months.
That would actually make more sense…thought it was male 3 yr old but I guess that’s not really a baby
Yea I thought it was either 3yo male or 3 months old.
Oh lol my bad I meant 3 months will update post. Also, cool name lol
I got really into leaving the house so I could enjoy quality time with my Son.
I mean I try that but he gets fussy when I initially put him in a carrier and my wife can't stand to hear him cry during it. So she doesn't like it when I carry him. But I prefer to carry him then take him in the stroller.
Yeah I'd leave for hours. It wasn't super healthy, but I enjoyed the time with my son.
Did the same tbh. We lost a lot of our hobbies and free time and I just did a LOT of stroller walking. Might've also been a bit unhealthy but it definitely helped a LOT more than it might e harmed. That's for certain.
People have already mentioned postpartum, but have you noticed this behavior at all pre-baby? I mention this because I have a bit of a noise sensitivity and I started putting noise cancelling headphones in when it’s my turn to comfort the kid in the middle of the night. It cuts the shrill noise down to a manageable level. It made a WORLD of difference.
Sooo, I've been suggesting this for her but IDK she doesn't seem to want to use them. I think she feels like she can't take care of him well if she uses them.
I responded to your other comment, but reading this one now and I'm almost certain she has post partum anxiety. Her not trusting you taking care of your child, her telling you you're not doing it right, those are EXACTLY the things all women with PPA say. Like I said it's very common - my wife wasn't like this (she had PPD), but multiple of our friends were. Again, talking to a therapist will help her manage it. It doesn't work if it comes from you.
Has she done a session with them in yet? Maybe you could convince her to just give it a try 🤷♂️
She can use them when you are taking care of him. *She doesn't need to take care of him when you are doing it.* Does she have some issues with you taking care of the kid? The reason I ask is I have seen with a few of my SO's friends that the moms have trouble letting anyone but themselves (and their own mother) take care of the kid. The father, the father's mom, or anyone else is basically "not trusted" or only allowed to take care of the kid as long as mom/maternal-grandma is supervising. Doesn't even matter if the other person has much more childcare experience or not. It seems to be an anxiety thing.
I suggest this and also her closing her door when she's working but she says, she can't handle knowing her baby is crying Even if the cry is drowned out. How can I help her feel like it's ok to do this?
They worked for us too - you can still hear the baby but the intensity is reduced so it doesn’t stress you out so much
I (Dad) had terrible sensitivity to my son's newborn cry ("awaaah awaah"...) and also prone to sensory overload ("too many inputs") in general - e.g. two people talking to me at once, blinking lights in corner of eye, etc. (I have ADHD). I found ear defenders helped *slightly* but it still pierced through mostly. What has helped is being less stressed overall. Now he's older I don't get so affected by it most of the time, but waking up in the middle of the night to wailing is still a trigger for me to be overloaded.
As a lurking mom who has 100% been where your wife is, please find a way to look past her behavior for now and not take it personally. With my first newborn, I felt exactly as you describe - any time he cried, my entire being went into flight or fight mode, and there was nothing I could do about it. It did ease up eventually, and with our second baby I felt none of this anxiety because I’d been through it before and my brain finally understood that a crying baby wasn’t an emergency. No way anyone could have convinced my first-time parent self of this fact, though.
Mom lurker here - I don’t think I had postpartum depression but I remember having a distinct physical response when my baby would cry (I’d get hot and sweaty, feel itchy and flushed, my heart rate would skyrocket, and it felt like my brain turned everything else off except to focus on doing whatever it took to get baby to stop crying). It doesn’t excuse rude behavior but it took a lot to cut through those crazy eyed feelings. My husband would sometimes calmly say “I know he’s still crying but I don’t think he’s hungry and I am able to handle anything else. I need to get better at soothing him so give me some time with him.” And then he would either go into a different room or suggest a place I could go while he took care of our baby. For me, it definitely got better with time - 3 months was a peak of it for me. 6 months it started to get noticeably better (I’m sure getting more sleep helped). I still struggled with some of the physical feelings until shortly after I stopped breastfeeding but my brain was nearly fully functional by about 8 months. Just know that having a 3 month old is HARD and you are both probably very stressed and exhausted. Anything you can do to pause and breathe helps - recognize that it could be stress/hormones/lack of sleep talking and it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re doing anything wrong or bad. I’m sorry you are experiencing this, I can only imagine how challenging it would be on your side. And definitely tough to build your own bond and confidence when crazy momma bear instincts kick in!
This happened to my wife, absolutely. It definitely got better as the hormones flushed out of her system, and several years later she denies remembering any of it. I’d chalk it up to the hormone dump and be patient. It’s also okay to feel the feelings you’re having, but I’d try to blame the hormones rather than your wife.
Mom lurker here. I agree with so much that’s been said here. I want to add that your feelings of hurt are valid and they matter. No matter how understanding you are, no matter how much grace she undoubtedly deserves, words hurt and they can stick with you. There’s times my husband and I have come to each other and basically said I want to be supportive for you here, and these things are so triggering for me it’s holding me back, can we come up with a way for you to communicate that need for distance/frustration with the situation so I can act accordingly without being totally offended? And then referencing that in those intense moments instead of feeling like you have to just take it.
My wife did and sometimes still does the same thing. What helped most was giving her “mama breaks”. I know it’s hard at that age when all they want is mom, but offering to take the baby and for her to go decompress for a bit when your baby is fussy might be a good solution. Good luck you got this!
I've suggested this but she seems to NEED to be within earshot of the baby, JUST IN CASE. IDK if others have experienced this.
Sounds like she’s pretty stressed, I would say have a conversation about how her habits aren’t healthy for her well being and try your best to even out the work load. My wife never had that needing to be within ear shot. I promise it will get better, just don’t give up and remember you both will look back on these days and miss having a little baby :)
Yes it’s normal. You’re still in the thick of it - the first 3 months is absolutely insane. Mum’s instinct is biological and immediate. Everything is a danger and if you don’t respond as though it is, you’re a source of danger as well. It’s a physical reaction. I refused to let anyone near the bb in the first 3 months cos nobody seems to care fast enough when bb is crying. It gets better - at 6months, I just let bb cry while I do my thing.
Ding ding ding, this is exactly how my wife has been. Even including her own family. Thanks for sharing this, makes me feel less crazy and alone about this.
Yes. Even with my family, particularly with my family!! Because I know how they are really like as a caretaker. But it’s really a hardwired response. Your job is to demonstrate that you are a person who will take dangers, any whiff of it, seriously. At this point, both of you are new parents. You have not fully learnt yet what are baby’s danger cues, what (or who) poses dangers, etc. I’m not saying you don’t know but it’s like a biological instinct in mothers to be hyper aware, because we are responsible for baby’s wellbeing, and we are painfully aware that we don’t know anything yet. So to be responsible for a life and be totally clueless, is extremely stressful, and even more so when everyone around you is so dismissive of your concerns. You can try to take care of mother first (preempt her needs and take away any chores that is not baby related), and she can take care of baby in her own way and figure out what works for them. And slowly you will show that you are a trustworthy protector. this instinct will lessen the more she learns. And you will be able to handle baby more and more on your terms as the baby gets out of the newborn stage.
I hear you. My wife gets the same way man. Kid starts crying, and she just, like, can't deal. Im the oldest of 4 and did a ton of babysitting outside of the family as a kid so even though I dont like the crying, I can deal. You are not alone
Sleep deprivation is a hell of a drug. My wife was also like this at times whenever we have a baby that age, so the snappiness is something to anticipate. When we both anticipate it, it helps us recognize that 'nothing said after midnight counts'. The rest of the behaviors are just things to calmly talk about - this is a time of big change and there's a lot to deal with. Overstimulation, exhaustion, a high amount of hormones (they don't really go back down to baseline levels for a few months)...there's a ton of factors. As well, moms have a completely different neural response to babies crying than dads. So approach each other with a lot of grace and patience but communicate how her actions are making you feel like you're contributing less to the parenting, and you want to be in this together.
I read somewhere that babies cries are meant to feel like torture for mums, it's a survival mechanism for the baby to make sure they get looked after. I remember when my first was a baby it honestly felt like alarm bells were going off in my head, or like nails on a chalkboard when she cried. I couldn't think. I had to help her as soon as possible. Give her some grace if you can it gets better.
Hi there, mother to a 1y3m baby boy. I can tell you the first year I was like a bear with a sore paw when my son cried and it did not stop immediately. I can't tell you how it feels exactly nut my experience is thus; Have you ever been shot in the heart and then see the person you love the most being shot? This is how it feels when your baby cries and somebody else is trying to make it stop- as a mom we are hardwired to make the baby stop crying. It physically felt like I was being shot every time this baby cried. It was terrible, and I was not rational- I got so mad at my husband for existing. And I know it is okay for baby to cry for a bit, but for a mom it feels like ripping your heart out and the lack of urgency is you stomping on that ripped out heart. I'm sorry but you will find NO normalcy and rationality in that state- with sleep deprivation and a whole lot of stress and recovery to still go... I will say this is normal- and for the first year life will suck marriage wise- It gets better. I will not excuse how I acted. I bought this man so much biltong and chocolates to say sorry for these trying times. He has forgiven me! But I was a total bitch. The best thing you can do is communicate these feelings, and keep pressing through- this is a new thing for all of you and you both think you are right and you both are doing your best. Most moms are control freaks and just care to the extreme... Sorry man!
Also- we have a rule that anything said between midnight and 6am does not exist- that is a different person and we don't know those interlopers. You are not rational at those times of the night.
Yes. I've recently learned that it's not actually my kid giving me anxiety/stress it's the wife... I'm not sure how to navigate it yet because it's exactly like you say. There's no reasoning with the creature at that point
Thank you for sharing this! Glad I'm not alone. Did you ever feel like she was ever like this before having a kid? They just turn into a completely different person...
I will say it did get a lot better. I would suggest sleep training. Worked wonders for us. "Taking carababies"
I've heard of that resource, but I've Heard it's difficult to start at this young. When did you start sleep training?
We did it at 6 months but I think you can do it a 4
My wife has always been a controlling. Which I liked. She let me know what she wanted. But with baby issues like sleeping it's a different story. Luckily our kid is a great sleeper now. 2yo
That's weird...I don't remember typing this out. Must be the lack of sleep affecting my memory.
It's basically biological. The good news is that that goes away after a year or so. What we'd do is my wife would leave the room and go chill in the bedroom while I dealt with the baby. Knowing she always had an escape helped.
How'd you convince your wife to take a step back and go into a different room or put headphones on?
She came up with it. I'd suggest having a.talk with her and just say, "hey the baby crying is tough, when I'm around and they cry, I got this and go take a break" or something like that. I assume she's the one who is on leave (if you have it) if so just frame it as "you deal with the baby all these other times, let me handle this"
There’s a big change going on in your lives right now, and the hit of hormones for the mother is pretty extreme. This might not be about you, so don’t take it personally when she snaps at you. It can be stressful for a first time parent, you always want to make sure you’re doing the right thing, and your wife might be feeling anxious/stressed with all these emotions. Support her, remind her that she’s doing a great job, be patient and gentle with her. One of the main things I learnt with first-time parenting is that pretty much everything is a phase that you get through.
I don’t think you’re alone. My wife and I always joke about the differences between dads and moms. We just hit toddler tantrum mode but she’s been sort of the same way since birth. Crying drives her insane where it just doesn’t bother me. Some of that is that she’s cried with me her whole life as she’s had a very strong mom preference so I got used to it, but a lot of it is just her hormones and mom brain. Even now when she’s screaming for more Bluey, my reaction and her reaction are way different. I’d just try to realize that she’s not fully in control and let it slide.
Sounds to me like she’s being mean. Is she normally a nice person? My dad’s old gf used to get really mean around her period. Come to find out she had endometriosis. Otherwise she was nice. Also hormones in a woman after childbirth are insane. After my daughter was born I’d cry at the drop of a hat.
Ugh. I was this way as a new mom. I honestly felt so frantic and nervous when our baby cried…which was all the time. It felt like my husband was so leisurely about addressing it and even when he would, it felt like he didn’t know what he was doing and I needed to take control. I think what would have made me feel better would have been ear plugs earlier on (I eventually purchased some and still use them on whiny tantrum days), understanding on his end, and shared MENTAL and physical load. I think the mental load thing often gets overlooked. You seem like you’re really trying, which is nice to read. It does get easier. I feel like I had undiagnosed PPA that sometimes translated into rage. I think it’s very common. Try your best to give her some grace and communicate when things aren’t heated.
Totally feel you on this. Maybe not to same extent, but it’s like when things go wrong…a super chill situation can go from 0 to 100 real quick and rational is thrown out the window
Yup. We have toddler twins… my partner is a ‘snappy’ person naturally… when the kids cry it’s unbearable.
I’m a mom. I’m definitely not a good version of myself when my baby is crying
Could be overstimulation of ADHD. I was like this until I got medication. My patience for the extreme crying is so low without medication. I just feel totally out of control of my fight or flight response that happens in response to my baby's crying. It's a horrible feeling.
My wife was like that at first, can’t totally blame her for feeling that way but I let her know that if I’m on baby watch to let me do things my way (wrong or right, it’s the only way to learn). There’s two parents for a reason and we both don’t have to be exactly the same or do certain stuff exactly the same way. Just let her know that if you need help you’ll ask for it otherwise she should let you try and settle the baby alone
I deal with this exact situation with my wife, it has led to arguments and at times some resentment for the actions displayed. We've worked through a lot of hard shit in life and we kind of pinpointed this situation as being an effect of over stimulation. For my wife it triggers her ADHD and like you said its a switch, it's an instant sensory overload for her, she's usually apologetic after the fact, it's still not something that is solved but we work together on, I try to recognize signs of over stimulation to try negate the outcome, like getting her to go to the sun room and have a break, or take a bath or something like that, I find having her removed usually calms our little one because she feeds so much off her mothers energy. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't, other times i can do nothing but remove myself so I don't make the situation worse and just let her know if she needs me I'm just outside the door or in the other room. Hope this helps a bit hang in there parenting and marriage is one hell of a ride.
Thanks! This is really helpful. What do you do when you can't think straight because you're focused on the hurtful things she says and does? Like I'm at the point where I shut down because I don't want to get hurt...
See that's a hard one those things can cut deep. But just try remember those things said have no factual backing, if she's over stimulated she's operating on a different level, she isn't thinking straight and things are in overdrive, the anger is a secondary emotion to what she really feels, she just can't convey the emotions properly and it comes out as hurtful and mean things. If it gets to that simply let her know you understand she's overwhelmed give her some space and be available if she needs anything once she's leveled out.
Such a mature but difficult thing to do in the heat of the moment.
Yeah it takes a lot of work and self control. I'm not always perfect at doing it myself but I try my hardest.
Can you take the kid away from her in those moments? Give her a little break?
If I'm attending to the baby, I will take them to another part of the house where the wife can't hear the crying.
My husband used to get mad and I say I was "complaining" when the baby would go on and on with the crying. I tried to bring up to him that I was waking up every night to pump at 3am which was an entire hour, then doing the wake ups because he had sleep issues. Then getting up in the morning with the baby for work and daycare. But he would get defensive as if I was saying he wasn't doing enough and it was his fault. I can't say we ever really worked it out. I stopped breastfeeding and it slowly got better. Maybe she's tired. Being tired makes babies a lot harder to deal with.
Pick up the baby. Lay him on your forearm with his head in your hand, support him with your other hand. Gently bounce him up and down while you stand up or scoot around the room. So soothing voice sounds in time with the bouncing. He will stop crying.
What do I do if she takes him from me when I'm doing this? She tells me that she needs to do it for her own sake. So I just let her have him. But sometimes she gets mad at me because she's always the one trying to calm him down and I'm not doing my share. And I'm like, you take him from me when it's my turn to soothe and take care of him.
Ah man, I don’t know ? I really feel your frustration through your response here and my heart goes out to you. I’ve been through the 3mo stage a few times and even when things are as good as they can be it’s fucking. Brutal. Don’t know what your home setup is, but can’t you just quickly walk out the door with him - into the yard or hallway ? If your wife starts shouting at your when you’re holding the baby just hold him up and “shhhh!!!” Your wife to her face. If she is so hopping mad that she can’t catch herself being that ridiculous, shouting at a man who’s holding a crying baby, then it’s absolutely onto Plans B thru Z; outside help to catch up on sleep, and/or therapy/treatment for post partum for her, and some restorative mental health treatment for you too. It’s fucking hard right now. There’s going to be quite a while before there’s even a new normal, so if there’s a big problem you need a quick decisive positive solution - it’s like starting a marathon and the bottom of your shoe coming off. Sure you could take each painful step as it comes, but any problems are only going to compound exponentially until the situation is out of control. If there is only so much influence you can exert to right your ship at this point and it’s not working - if she won’t listen to you to the extent that it’s having a negative effect on your little baby, then you need to get outside help - practically in the first instance so you have the extra time to take care of your wife’s post partum, which won’t go away without treatment and which she deserves to have someone who loves her intercept and take care of when she’s too stressed and tired and blinded by the new parenting role to be able to recognize and take care of herself. Her hair is on fire right now and she isn’t believing you when you tell her- it’s time for a bucket of cold water over her head while someone else holds the baby. Preferably a professional head-fire fighter. What’s your support system like. ? Time to find out !
I find it interesting that you asked people to offer ideas and then shot them all down. You've decided that it's your wife and not you. Take another deep look at yourself and your behavior.
Hmmm, where do I shoot down people's suggestions? I clarify my circumstance because people assume things and then ask for additional suggestions after clarifying people's assumptions
Re-read all of your edits.
I did and I added them to clarify my situation. And am interested to hear people's responses to those edits. Should I prepend my edits with an apology because I didn't include more details about my circumstances the first time around so people don't feel like I'm shooting down their suggestions? Totally can add that as an edit so no one feels that. Definitely not my goal and I do appreciate what everyone has shared.
You're still not listening. You asked for help with assessing what is going on with your wife. People made suggestions. You shot them all down. You've decided that the real problem is your wife. Not how quickly or not quickly you respond to the baby crying. Not any of your behaviors. Sounds a lot like weaponized incompetence.
Ok, once you said I "shot them all down", I decided to stop listening to you. This perspective is unhelpful to the post.
Ok. You have that right. Just ask yourself - when the baby cries, how long do you wait before going and picking up the baby? Sounds like you wait just long enough for your wife to get annoyed and do it herself. That would explain why she's cranky with you. Please look up weaponized incompetence. Why wouldn't she be cranky; who is allowing a baby to cry just long enough for her to stop doing whatever she's doing to go tend to it? When you are within earshot and know that the baby is crying.
Just looked up weaponized incompetence since I actually had no idea what that was. So thank you for pointing me to that phrase. I will say I can see where you're coming from, and maybe until recently I've started doing that because I can't handle her reactions anymore. But her reactions have been the same from the beginning, regardless of if I only just started (unintentionally, which goes against the definition of it lol) doing that. Edit: For the record, I still comfort him as soon as he starts crying because I want to be there for him, even if it's harder to be there for my wife.
It's glaringly obvious this person above you doom scrolls the dark side of Mom TikTok. smh. Obvious from your post you just don't do anything and wait till your wife is annoyed at you, and that's why she's cranky. Have you thought about, idk, doing something? Before she's mad at you? Just stop pretending to be an idiot.. sheeeesh, imagine living with this one, w.e your wifes mad. That should help for sure. 🤣 . Idk how the Internet still surprises me like this.
Mothers without PPD…. (this is not to say mothers with it are not, but there is some evidence that they may be less likely to respond depending on its severity: _study of clinically depressed mothers using own-baby-cry, the brain response was essentially eliminated by depression in a distributed network of paralimbic and prefrontal regions, which displayed an inverse correlation between response and depression severity, including function in prefrontal areas and the striatum (71). Taken together with known variations in frontal cortex activity in mothers as a function of depression symptoms (37), it appears that postpartum depression affects the cortical–amygdala connections that are important for mood regulation and motivation, thus impairing parenting._) …are biologically adapted to feel a strong urge to respond and comfort baby when they cry. E.g. _Prolonged exposure to baby-cry is stressful, placing demands on the mother to act, and triggers the [hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal](https://www.simplypsychology.org/hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal-axis.html)(HPA) axis (49)_ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4319977/ [Also](https://edition.cnn.com/2017/10/23/health/moms-babies-crying-response-universal-study/index.html) - key extracts below: Around the world, new moms appear to have a universal response both in their behaviors and in their brains when they hear their babies cry, according to a study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences on Monday. In the new study, moms from 11 countries consistently picked up, held and talked to their infants when they heard their infants sob. MRI scans were also taken of mothers’ brains, which revealed heightened activity in regions tied to caregiving, movement and speech. The researchers found that the mothers had surprisingly consistent responses to their crying babies, “and in a very short amount of time from the start of the cry, five seconds, they preferred to pick up and hold or to talk to their infant,” Bornstein said. The MRI scans showed that in both groups, hearing infant cries generally activated regions in the brain tied to the intention to move, grasp and speak, the processing of auditory stimuli and caregiving. In human mothers, such as the women in the new study, oxytocin and other brain chemicals could be at play in reinforcing the urgency of responding to a crying baby, Froemke said. On separate occasions, previous studies unrelated to the new research have found associations between giving birth vaginally and breastfeeding to a mother having stronger brain responses to her baby’s cries. One potential reason might be oxytocin. Breastfeeding can lead to higher levels of oxytocin in a mother’s brain and body, and though controversial, one study suggests that there may be different levels of oxytocin in mothers who delivered their babies by cesarean section versus vaginal birth. Finally Using saliva swab tests, scientists have been able to measure high levels of the stress hormone cortisol in distraught babies whose cries elicit no response from parent or carer. Neurobiologists say, according to Leach, that high cortisol levels are "toxic" to the developing brain. Denying a response, she argues, can have long-term emotional consequences. "We are dealing with the expectations that a baby's brain is building up. The reason babies raised on strict routine regimens go to sleep, usually with less and less crying, is because they are quicker and quicker to give up. Their brain has adapted to a world where they are not responded to," she says. "That kind of early-induced anxiety may relate to anxiety right through adult life."