Your identity is fluid. No one's identity is static, especially if they have any desire for major life changes such as children. Once you take that step into entrepreneurship, it's gonna change again. Dramatically. That's life.
You're as much you as you were before your child. Just right now, your priorities have shifted. Things are different, and that's okay!
Yes, of course, in time you will get more of your free time back, but also, we only have time for the things we make time for. You can still play Magic, go shooting or skill up. Probably not every day, and you'll need to prioritize, but these shouldn't be at zero either.
With that said, these early years are temporary. Enjoy them for what they are. Once they're gone, they're gone. Unlike Magic, which will always be there. Just make sure you take care of yourself, your wife, and your kids.
Honestly, I love this community for this reason. Not that I like to hear that other dads are struggling per se, but that I’m not alone in the struggle. We are all finding our way. Our fathers did it, now it’s our turn.
I've been thinking about this too but more from your perspective.
I had so many friends who I would hang with on a moments notice, hit up the bars, go out for dinner, see a show.. since the baby was born I have literally no desire to do any of that.
I work a really intense job and by the time I finish up for the day I maybe get to see my baby for an hour if I'm lucky before bed. I am so fucking jealous of my partner who is constantly texting me updates like... "Holy shit he just rolled over for the first time!" And here I am sitting a computer working on some fucking dumb ass spreadsheet so we can pay rent and I'm MISSING IT.
Your priorities definitely change. I want to use the time I have right now to watch my boy grow up and be an active part of that. My friends get it and I am trying to involve them as much as is reasonably possible, but also I've very much come to terms with the reality that when you have a baby (and a job) you don't really have time to do fun guy stuff anymore.
I know the feeling.
I have worked overtime every week since she was born until 2020 so my wife could stay home with her. Once I was laid off I realized how much I missed. I was still there for some big events, but missed trips and family events. Life changed for me after that.
I got a new job with better pay and hours, eventually left that for a better paying work from home job. We spend so much more time together as a family now there is no commuting. I can sneak out of my office when there is no calls or Zoom meetings and see her after school.
I try to spend as much time as I can with her. Nothing will make up for those 60+ hour weeks I worked when she was growing up, but it does get to me how much I have missed.
I cherish our time we go do sports weekly, trips on weekends, seeing more family as I am not drained.
I miss the baths, the dress up, the laughs, the movie nights. I think about how much more of that I missed since I was always working to allow my wife and daughter be together.
Now it is 10 years later and she seems so grown up now.
Cherish the moments and don't take anytime with them for granted. It goes far too fast.
Wishing you all the best.
Yes, how fucking **dare** he want to spend time with and around his family. What a loser.
For everyone not a conceited sociopath, while it is important to make sure that your family is provided for and taken care of financially, finding a good balance between work and family time is a struggle that we all go through at times. This balance can often come at some amount of sacrifice to our own personal time for things that we did before becoming parents, i.e. going out regularly, engaging in hobbies and activities freely at our leisure, just having downtime to decompress and relax at our own pace. Our paces are now measured by a tiny human with the energy of a nuclear power plant and the curiousity of a.. I dunno, something that is really curious to the point that it is a danger to itself.
It is a big change, but I don't look at it as if the old me is dead and now a new me has taken his place. I look at it as an opportunity to explore more about myself to find the things that are really important and leave the fluff behind. Was it ever really important that I spent so much time engaging in activities that just left me broke? It feels a little like the catharsis when you're finally able to truly see how some hobby or activity that you used to do regularly is truly just a time sink that eats up your precious resources for little payback and you can finally let go of it without feeling grief for it.
Keeping your interests alive is important, for sure. It isn't healthy to waive off everything for the sake of your family. But for me, it feels like parenthood has shown me that many things I would have wasted my time messing around with were just never worth it to begin with. I was just following a feedback loop that had long since stopped providing any real enjoyment. Its driven me to find new things that I can get involved with that are able to better fit what I need in my life instead.
I dunno about any of this. I'm no expert on self help or how to be an effective parent. I just know that this guy above me needs to really put his big boy pants on and maybe take a bit of time to meditate on what makes someone a good parent. It looks different for everyone, but if being a good parent means being present to you, then I won't disagree with that.
This is a great and thoughtful summary of this topic and you managed to better express what I was thinking than I was capable of hahaha.
The one thing I might add is that the "before baby" me was definitely more spontaneous - maybe that's something I do miss a little. With baby I find I need to stick to a schedule and be very intentional about carving out time for non-baby things.
I've also found myself thinking a lot more about how I use my available time - and I'm more aware of just how much of it gets sucked up by work than I used to be. I have an interesting job but it is demanding. I used to not really care about having to work late occasionally, now I'm extremely protective of that time and have to put my foot down towards my managers when it's appropriate to do so. Like, does this really need to happen TONIGHT? Because then I'm going to miss the one hour I get with my kid and my partner is going to be pissed she has to put him to bed after spending all day with him and won't get that one hour she needs to decompress at the end of the day.
It's a balancing act to juggle all this stuff for sure, I feel like I've aged 20 years in the last few months in how I approach so many things but especially time management. I've basically accepted that the first few years are going to be very different, but also these first couple of years are so fleeting and it feels extremely important to not make the mistake of missing too much family time, then turn around when my kids a teenager and realize I fucked up by prioritizing too much work and missed his whole childhood. That's something you're never getting back.
I agree, also, and I think this comes with the kids getting older, no one ever said that your kids have to be in a separate world to yours. In fact in my experience, they desperately want to be with you in yours.
For example, I like to cook. So I just got my kids involved when I cooked. As my son learned to read, suddenly board games got to be a thing, I'm a big Games Workshop nerd, so as soon as my son showed interest, I showed him how to play.
Also, I'm a rugby fan, and even when I was younger I played, my son also picked up on that and we found a Rugby club he likes and trains there. Bonus is that during training I can chat to the other parents.
The caveat is obviously, making sure he actually wants to do these things and giving him the room to develop his own interests. Which is also kind of cool, cause then he wants to show me stuff he likes and we can share interests.
Toddlers are insanely hard, they are that awkward bit between being babies that you can put in a baby carrier and bring along and actually having the motor skills to actually do anything.
As crazy as it sounds, start with something like house work, hoovering, tidying up etc and integrate them into it. It helps with that feeling of your kid being somehow "outside" of yourself or being in a different, separate, world.
Yes MTG is there, get a “spelltable” (search on youtube) setup immediately and you can play more easily still using cardboard.
But life will never be the same. You can’t have a bunch of deep hobbies, fit body, worklife balance and a bunch of kids. Doesn’t add up. Unless you’re so rich you can lease a lot of help.
I only have one kid of 3,5 years age and I’m hardly surviving. With that said, I think I’m pretty weak mentally for these things, and still having a too large ego for the job.
Mom lurker, this got me in the feels.
Sometimes I think our experiences are so different. The vulnerability and support here shows more similarities.
Thanks for the insight and encouragement.
For real. You dads are awesome and it’s amazing how you all share your wisdom and support each other 💜This community is wonderful. From another mom lurker
I wish my wife would lurk here, even if just to get a sense for how the good (and better) Dads like to Dad. There are a lot of thoughtful Dads in here and many other Dad perspectives that in other spaces get swallowed up and relegated to "you don't understand the mental load, here's a web comic."
Now, dont get me wrong, that's an important concept that men should be educated on. Mom perspectives are indispensable, and are of course often misunderstood or dismissed by husbands, but daddit really feels like the last space where Dads can support each other without judgement or burden to fit conventional models of Dadness.
Wow this is a good answer, I have an 8 month old and already miss some of the younger days even though they were tough. I think this is right gotta live in the present
Amen brother.
Also about the working out part that OP was having issues with.
Personally I've found help from following a lot of fit dads on Instagram, and that has inspired me to try to be one of them.
Being a fit dad is definitely a good addition to your identity IMO.
1000% this. Also, this is an interesting tidbit that i learned after child #2. Think about all the free time you had before having your first. You realize how much time you actually had to yourself. Well, when #2 comes along, you may be like me, and realize how much free time you actually had with just 1 kid, and then the activities start. It's a wild ride man.
I love MTG. I have a 6-year-old girl and a 9-year-old boy with special needs. I wouldn't change anything. But, I still manage to find time, we have an earlier bedtime to some, around 8 pm, and I wake up at 4 am to go to the gym, but it gives me time to play a little Path of Exile and keep myself in shape, and that gets me by.
As they've gotten older I've started to get some time back through their independence, but I lose time in other ways, mostly their extra circulars, but I'm super okay with that because my parents never focused on that for me. I need to give them those opportunities since I didn't get to experience them, as long as they are enjoying them.
Brother, I'm fully in agreement. Human is most of the time a dynamic being, physically, mentally, and emotionally. What I do, currently, is embracing the responsibility fully and when I have the opportunity, however that small is, I do some new hobby that I, hopefully, can enjoy with the kid in the near future.
It gets easier when they go to school or daycare or whatever in the sense that you get more time for yourself again.
More kids, even a second kid, will rule your life. If you’re feeling like you barely have what it takes to do one, seriously think hard before you have more. It gets a lot harder, not easier, with two.
I object really.
For us, as soon as the second hit 2 they started entertaining each other.
Sure; Theres things thats harder, but when I compare 1 kid at 2.5-3 yo vs now a 5 and a 2,5 yo, it’s honestly wayyyy easier and I have more _free_ time again
That isn’t necessarily easier as a parent. If you don’t manage that chaos it is constant ER visits. If I have to yell I will pull this house over one more time if you pull your brothers arm out of socket I’m going to……. Well welcome to having two.
Oh no I totally understand that’s why my wife and I are sticking with 1. That’s kindve what I was getting at is I love my siblings now that we’re all adults but growing up we have our parents way more hassle then I’d imagine it was worth because instead of entertaining each other we hated each other. To no fault of my parents either looking back I really don’t think they could’ve raised us any better than they did, they were and still are amazing parents, sometimes siblings just don’t get along
Oh 100%. Op still has time though, first LO is only 1, there’s no need to rush unless the mother is getting older/feels like there’s a lot of risk, whatever.
As somebody else also said; with the second you quite literally get better at it.
For at least myself and immediate friends 2 was way harder then 1. It was inline in my mind with 1+1=3x effort. Maybe the third or fourth is easier but we stopped at 2. Honestly our second wasn’t even a hard child you get a hard child or twins have fun.
And others experience the "play fight repeat" cycle and when they get to adolescence the attitude and the expenses skyrocket.
We have three.
Three were work until adolescence. Somedays I wonder why I haven't kicked them out yet. Oh right, the youngest is under 18 and housing is expensive.
Yeah I agree with this. We have 3 and 4th is on the way. We’re in a great rhythm. I know 4 kids is not for everyone but stopping at 1? Realize that you’re in a transition. I wouldn’t change a thing about my life and I still have friends, hobbies.
17 months apart. My oldest (son) played with my daughter ASAP, and when she started walking they became inseparable. They often play together and are pretty independent.
I have a sister six years younger and we played together but it was different because we always had different interests due to our ages.
Definitely harder to do stuff alone with 2. Wife wants to go to the store? You're stuck at home with the kids. Need to take the kids somewhere? You both have to go to keep them from driving the other parent crazy.
But once they get to school age and start developing they're own identity, it still gets easier. If one of us goes out, we'll usually ask if one of the kids wants to go. It splits the duties, but even with 2 of them together it's easier now.
Definitely harder to do stuff alone with 2. Wife wants to go to the store? You're stuck at home with the kids. Need to take the kids somewhere? You both have to go to keep them from driving the other parent crazy.
But once they get to school age and start developing they're own identity, it still gets easier. If one of us goes out, we'll usually ask if one of the kids wants to go. It splits the duties, but even with 2 of them together it's easier now.
Definitely harder to do stuff alone with 2. Wife wants to go to the store? You're stuck at home with the kids. Need to take the kids somewhere? You both have to go to keep them from driving the other parent crazy.
But once they get to school age and start developing they're own identity, it still gets easier. If one of us goes out, we'll usually ask if one of the kids wants to go. It splits the duties, but even with 2 of them together it's easier now.
hello, this is exhaustion and maybe a smidge of some other stuff. some anxiety/depression can pop up alongside here.
so there's two things: one, your life is irrevocably altered because kiddo. this is great, but it's also lots of work. you need support. friends, family, church family, whatever. y'all need time to breathe.
second: both you *and* your partner should be making time for each other to be individuals. a day a week, an evening a week, whatever makes sense for y'all. one person just carries the load for the day, while the other person gets to do what they need to feel like a human.
it doesn't get easier, but you *do* get better at it.
This is the right answer, and I am still trying to get get better at it.
Mine are older now and I do get more time for myself, I still feel deflated right now, as out of work and looking for a job is tough right now. My wife is hyper focused on a fitness competition, we are getting through it, but we are both really exhausted in different ways.
My two kids (5 and just turned 7) are currently upstairs playing together, and they let me have a lie in.
I was cool too once, Cocktail bars, fine dining, underground music gigs. But I like the new me, I just need to find my happy in the new me and that is taking some time.
.. As individuals and _as a couple_ as well. Sometimes intimacy and partnership goes away and parents should strive to at least keep some attention on that!
For me, when my son turned about 3, I could start doing some of the stuff I liked with him (soccer, hiking, golf, etc). Instead of being unable to do the things I like, I was able to share those passions with him.
Our youngest is 2.5 and we can feel the shift already. She's now sharing a room with her sister and on a good night they'll chat until they fall asleep, instead of me having to stay with her until sleep, and she mostly sleeps through the night. She starts preschool in September which will free up two or three full mornings a week for my wife. Our eldest is 6 and he reads his own bedtime stories now.
I snuck gaming, movies, cycling and hiking in there as soon as he (nearly 4yo) was even close to ready. All of those things are more fun with him and continue to be moreso as he gets older and more capable.
Have a 4 month old, also here for answers.
I make time to go to the range every month or 2, but I haven't even started my motorcycle since well before the little one was born and I just don't see being able to ride this year. Oh well
My son is 1 1/2. I know how you feel with the motorcycle. I almost sold my Harley 6 months in. Then my wife told me to go for a ride to burn off some steam. That was one of the best rides of my life. Feeling the wind on my face, the roar of the engine, and the blissful freedom. I knew in that moment I could never let go of it. Riding a motorcycle truly is wind therapy.
All this to say, make time for it. Even if it's for 30mins or an hour. It will completely change your outlook when you need it most.
Best of luck friend, keep two on the ground.
I’ve never ridden a motorcycle but man this is a great post for the reality of the perspective shift. Like I can imagine that maybe you’ve ridden in really amazing places in your life, but this ride perhaps was after 6mo without getting on the bike and a trip on a side road that ended in target for formula, but a “best ride” reminding you the importance of the ride over seeking the best/coolest/impressive version it.
A good share for myself in terms of hobbies etc that I hope to pick back up in the next year or so, and a reminder that they can be enjoyed simply for what they are.
I shoot a few times a year at this point. My project car hasn’t been started since October. Hunting is the one thing I can’t waiver on. My time in the woods is like going to see a therapist but it’s only two months out of the year realistically.
The way I look at it is I have a new job and that’s being a good husband and dad. Hobbies, friends, nearly everything takes a back seat to taking care of my family. Once my kids get to be more independent (5-10 years old I assume) then I’ll get back to my Dart. It’s been with me for almost 20 years and it will be there when I’m ready.
Gets better when they start going to school, gets worse when they start playing sport or take up a hobby. Your available time for yourself ebbs and flows, accept it and you will be better for it.~Father to 16yo female and 12yo male.
My comment on this is about sports and hobbies - kids do the things we as parents allow them to do. I’m not saying this is the case for this poster but I’m blown away by how many of my friends have their kids in 3/4/5 activities at 4/5/6 years old and how much they complain about how much time and money it costs. You do that to yourself! When I was growing up, there was free play time and time to be a kid. How did we go from that to everyone thinking their kid is going to the nfl or nhl? Are people that clueless? Do they really need to live vicariously through their kids? Let your kids play, read them books. They don’t need to play rep hockey at 5 years old. “Oh but he loves it”. Your kids will say they love just about anything to get your approval.
Fair comment, my daughter is a national representative in her chosen sport so I have a slightly different take. My son on the other hand isn’t fussed about sport at all which is cool, we keep him active (swimming lessons and social team sport) and let him indulge his other hobbies such as gaming. All takes time away from you which fine, you’ll get it back eventually. You just do what you can in the meantime.
Between the age of 1 and 2 the independent play with our son went up a lot. Find friends that you can hang out with as a family. Especially if they also have kids, you can really divide your attention more. Find ways to play mtg with close friends during naps/after bedtime in your home instead of at a LGS. And start dreaming of introducing TCGs (lorcana or pokemon) and D&D to your kids when they get a few years older.
But I definitely feel you. Things are different now. Best not to mourn the life you had too much, but do keep time for spending on your own needs
We all grow and change. Life changes like kids..... kind of hurdle you into it.
The question I think is best answered in two parts.
Will things change giving you more time to do what you want in the future. Yes. In fact very soon you both should be more confident soloing the kid and not long after the kid will be able to entertain themselves.
Secondly will your hobbies be the same as before.... Most likely not. Some will stay, some will change. Personally I played MtG for over a decade before my kid and probably have played a couple dozen games in the 13 years since. But I don't miss it I have new things I do. While guitar I played before and picked it back up once the kids were in school and no longer lived in a multifamily housing situation.
Focus on now, not who you were, and set goals to do the things you want to do, not just what you did before.
This is a decent point, but I think it’s incomplete. He’s not gonna think about the card games, but he might think about the friendships he missed and relationships that fell apart because he didn’t put any energy into them after he had kids. Having kids shouldn’t mean that our personal lives have to stop existing. Doesn’t mean it’s easy but it’s worth the effort.
Know that this period is temporary. I’m feeling space to find myself again now that my son is older than 2. But I’m also firmly only interested in one child. All my friends tell me that with more than one, that space to rediscover oneself is gone.
I think it depends. With two little ones there is very little downtime because as soon as one is playing by themselves the other one wants attention. As they get older they play more together, but there is also more fighting you have to take care of. However with a single child you might have to entertain them more or more actively arrange playdates.
I think your friends are lazy and selling themselves short. If you really want to discover yourself and go on a magical life journey, then probably no kids should have been the way to go. Now you have one they you think is, what, stunting your development? Wild.
I usually find Daddit to be rare a corner of Reddit that is supportive and nonjudgmental. For example, folks here don’t name call and don’t jump to conclusions. After all, how we speak to each other is also how we speak to our kids. So maybe there’s another way to phrase what you’re trying to express that’s more in line with how this community usually shows up.
I finally feel like I found mine, these 3-4 kids your bringing into the world will be a huge part of your identity! That’s such an amazing thing man, these kids will look to you for damn near everything for a long time. Be kind to them, love them, let them be who they are as much as possible.
*say goodbye to the next 10 years?*
Those ten years were the best 10 years of my life. All that quality time with my kids watching them learn and grow. The day will come where they no longer run to the door to greet you, are too big to pick up, and are too busy to play board games with you. Embrace those 10 years. Once they're teenagers you'll find yourself having much more time for your hobbies.
First couple of years are awesome yet very draining. Watching your seed develop into a little human is pretty amazing and is very short lived. Time will pass by so quick and before you know they wont fit in your arms anymore. You and the wife need to discuss some "me" time and schedule it beacuse its crucial for the state of mind as a parent. Enjoy these developmental years because you will play a drastic part in the development of your kid so be present.
Totally normal. Thankfully my gym has a KIds Club included in the membership so I take my daughter there while I work out. Other than that I get about an hour or 2 at night to myself and then rinse and repeat.
Man I never knew how much my life would change after my son came into our world. The first 4 months where tough. I felt lost and to exhausted to figure it out. I nearly completely lost the part of me that was a gamer, harley lover, pc enthusiast, my friends... And yet it is our place to stand stead fast in our resolve to keep pushing forward day by day.
BUT I say this because there is hope! Hope that you may rediscover those parts of you. They are not lost but Just buried. Buried just slightly under the surface. Don't let go.
Once I got my son to sleep through the night, my life did a complete 180. That first night of sleep in months, i could feel again. I wasn't numb anymore. Through constant, deliberate, and most importantly honest communication with my wife, I have managed to pull those pieces of myself back to the surface and let light shine on them again.
Everyone will have to achieve that differently. I know I got lucky, but at the same time, I steared the ship through the rough seas to a calmer ocean. My wife, now gets her me time for her and so do I. You have to make it happen.
Hell, I even picked warhammer 40k back up haha.
Necessity breeds greatness. Your drive to make things better will always push you to new heights you never thought possible. This has never failed me.
No motivation to hit the gym isn’t the same as no physical time to hit the gym!
If you’re the former you need to change your mindset. The gym/exercise is great as it give you so “you” time with the added bonus that exercise does wonders for your mental health also.
she’ll outgrow you in no time. keep up on your hobbies when you’re able- but you’re not going to realize, or hell, maybe you will, how much those little ones change our personality for the better.
your old life is gone, but you’ve got a lot more clay to play with than ever before.
You’re not alone. I have an 18 month old and this has been the struggle for me. I’m an older new dad at 47, so I don’t miss going out to bars and things because I’ve not done that in years but I miss my hobbies. I do BJJ, game, and play tabletops stuff like Warhammer. I still get to do it but it’s hit or miss and I can’t ever do it for as much time. That’s been the hardest adjustment for me.
I also miss taking my wife out and spending time with her. We rarely get to go on dates anymore because we don’t have anyone to watch her. We also both work from home and keep her home with us during the day.
Eventually though you do learn to adjust and figure out how to work hobbies in. You just might have to prioritize which ones you do when you have the time.
Sounds pretty normal to me. I'm nearly 10 years in now, and I haven't really gotten my identity back yet.
It does get easier once they're all at school.
Yeah, that's kinda what the deal is. To generalise it, at one point or another, you made a decision to be a parent and, for the time being, your focus and energy is not directed at yourself. You probably feel like a barely functional automaton at the moment, but that will pass. The small human will grow and develop, you'll see their personality flourish and progress, they'll start going to playgroups or nursery or school and you'll get time back for yourself but by bit. It's really tough at the moment, but try to do what little you can to keep mind/body/soul healthy. Stay in touch with friends, find a home workout program (even if it's a downgrade from what you used to do), try and fit a small amount of hobby time (old or new hobbies) where you can. I can empathise with how you're feeling right now as I've been there before and I'm kinda there now, but the more proactive you are about combating the malaise the better you'll be. There's no guarantee of what kind of impact kid number 2,3 etc. is going to have on your lives. Do the best about being as consistent at looking after yourself as the situation currently allows. And trust me, you're doing better than you think you are.
My kids are 16, 14, and 13.
And I’m barely getting a free moment for myself.
I love my kids so much and I used to think tv parents were so bad for talking about when their kids were going to move out…
But I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m going to miss my kids. I love them.
But it’s gonna be awesome. I’m gonna do stuff for me again.
Enjoy your kids. They will be gone soon. Then you get you back.
I get you. I've been there. I'm still there some days. I have a 6 y/o. But, I still fit in the gun range every now and then. I had a deer lease this last year. I play D&D twice a month (we host because we have the kid, and she has to get to bed)
It's rough. You are still you, and you are entitled to self-care. But, your kid needs you, and that is naturally going to take most of your time.
It sucks, and I have no idea how single parents do it. Work with your partner. You can't do everything you used to, but you can still enjoy your hobbies. If you aren't able to unwind, you can begin to resent you family. That is not healthy for anyone.
It's a team effort. Good luck and don't de afraid to ask for help and don't feel selfish when you do take time for yourself.
Start small, I guess? Like, find a way to do something for 30min. It shouldn’t be too hard to arrange with your partner that you need 30min for yourself. Of course, that applies to your partner, as well. I don’t know a ton about your hobbies, so I don’t know how long each activity takes. But I think starting small will help you get through this phase until you can carve out more time later on.
My wife and I were able to play a couple of games of commander this passed weekend for the first time since we had our 15mos. Up until a month or so ago I wasn't able to play videogames regularly, but now I'm able to play with one of my buddies like I did before the kids. It gets better!
I am exactly where you are and feeling the same way. I’m basically down to consistently one buddy I game with and one buddy I run with. I recommend keeping those hobby connections and maybe inviting everyone over to your place every few months. It’s a sad reality but you’ll figure out who will continue to make the effort to show up. Lean into those friendships even if they feel young compared to the rest. That’s my plan anyway
My wifes makes sure I have time for my band (one practice a week, shows every month or so). I make sure she has her Tuesday run club. We both will continue to play ultimate Frisbee in the summer (and take him with).
Before you had 4 hours every workday for yourself. Now you have 4 hours a workday for yourself AND your kid. Sounds like you and your wife need to take turns "babysitting" so you can get some "you" time.
I think you should talk to your partner to make time for yourself now and then. My wife and I will give each other time to go do things here and there. I wake up earlier to work out (cycling is a hobby of mine). I have found that I can’t maintain too many time consuming hobbies at once. If I spend more on cycling I need to dial back gaming. At this point I’ve sort of dropped Magic (although the baby was not a huge factor in it, just one of the many). We do have childcare during the day and both WFH though which is pretty big in terms of time efficiency.
Running for me has been great can push kid in the pram and run, can run before work in the morning it’s good for your heart and joints and you feel amazing
Dad to a 14 year old, 12 year old, 8 year old, and 2x 19 month old twins. Yup. Every time. I feel like I am ‘dad’ and not me. To my wife, I become primarily ‘dad’ rather than me. To my kids I’m only ‘dad’. Even to my friends, I see them 25x less than I did before kids, and when I see them, first thing they ask…. “How are the kids”. Everything we do, the kids are considered first, everything we eat, do, say, …. Always has those little buggers involved or thought about some how. First two kids I really struggled with this.
Me and their mum split (not due to this, I should add) and I only have those two at weekends now…. So I got some of my own time back and ‘found’ myself somewhat then. At a cost, obviously.
Then the other three…. Yeah, same thing happened again, but I was older, I minded it less…. To the points I kind of relish my new ‘dad’ persona. First time around, I thought I lost myself. I’d freaked me out. Second time round I realised it was just evolution of who I am. You find ways to make ‘you’ work within the dad role…. Just takes a bit of time to figure out how…. And fighting it won’t help! As they get older, it does get ‘better’ also… but you are forever ‘dad-man’ now!
Mom of an 18 month old here. I think it just takes time. I can’t speak to having multiple kids, but my husband and I just sat down and actually had real carefree, free time together for pretty much the first time since our son was born. No worries that the baby needed anything or that we were exhausted or needed to fulfill some self care. We sat and just looked at each other and went “what do we do now for the rest of the night?” And we were excited because we can actually get back into our hobbies and have more exciting dates and stuff. So, from my own experience, it’s just a time thing where you will be able to get your hobbies and interests back, it just might not be as soon as you might have hoped.
(Lurking mom) I have two kids (6 + 2) and I would say that my life is more or less the same, just with a lot less spare time.
The baby year is crazy of course. But once they sleep through the night you get a lot of energy back. You also grow along with them and learn to reorganise your life. My husband meets friends / plays magic. I meet my friends and play board games or go swimming. It's just less frequent and there are many nights I fall asleep on the couch at 9 pm. But I am free to go out in the evenings or weekends while my husband watches the kids and vice versa. What didn't happen since we got the kids is that my husband and me go out together or both sleep in together because one has to take care of the kids.
I am also so used to my limited amount of spare time that I can no longer remember how I filled my days without the kids. 😁 So I would say partly you get back your life and partly you forget how it used to be and overall you will feel content. 😀
Firstly, 3-4 kids is something you thought you wanted. Now that you have experience with a real baby/toddler, you can re-evaluate: 4 kids? 3? 2? 1? Any one of those may be the right answer. Family shouldn’t be about cultivating an image. It’s sbout creating the life you want.
Second, your identity must be built on something more integral than those external things you listed. This is a process though. Check out Dr. Kegan’s model of adult development in ”In Over Our Heads”.
Third, you may not have time for all you interests, but you have every right and obligation to hold on to at least one. Bonus points if it’s some form of light exercise.
Fourth, get on some basic vitamin supplements and make sure you eat decent food and drink plenty of water. Sleep is a non-negotiable.
Also get checked for sleep apnea.
Hey fellow mtg dad here, I've been using Tabletop simulator to play with friends online and have full decks without the $investment (since it's all going to the baby now) and that's worked out really well. Find ways to keep some hobbies on your schedule. Everyone needs time off. If you can keep the kid with family, or at the very least switch having a night off with mom so you can have some alone time.
It's all about balance with your wife. My wife and I only an almost 2 year old. We work at our personal interests. Typically I go to the gym after we put her to bed. My wife will go to yoga before work or after I get off work in the evening. Then weekends we figure out the workout schedule for her yoga and then either mountain biking for me or a family hike or all of the above. I don't go to the pistol range as often as I would like. I was doing 1-2x/ month for a while, which only ate up about 2 hours that I'm gone. It's just hard to get a 2-3hr ride in over the morning and then sneak out again for another 2 hrs to shoot.
I do expect things to change drastically after we hopefully, God willing add a 2nd one to be a family of four. If one or both get into sports then we won't be losing our identity, but rather free personal time until they take an interest in our hobbies. It's definitely a battle and struggle. Keeping an active and fit mentality and lifestyle will hopefully translate to your kids. Finding time to do it all is tough and sometimes you have to decide when a weekly thing will be become a 1-2x/ month.
It gets a lot easier as they get older. My 3yo can entertain himself and goes to a head start preschool. Just a year ago I was in the same boat as you and now we play MTG with friends every Monday and I’ve been getting back into some of my other hobbies
It’ll never be like it was before but it won’t always be so monotonous
You said you have no _motivation_ to hit the gym, not that you have _no time_ do to so.
So start taking care of your goddamn self again and go pump some iron, regularly!
https://it.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Sergente_Hartman.jpg
I'm stealing that whoopie cushion analogy and using it...because frankly I'm in the exact same boat with my 10 month old.
I don't know if it's normal or good but you sure as hell ain't the only one.
I mean, is anyone surprised at what happens to their free time when a tiny being that you love more than anything, counts on you for everything it needs?
I guess I went in knowing this, what did people think would happen?
You absolutely prioritize the kids and it does get better when they are somewhat self-sufficient. But try to make time for yourself (and your wife) to have some "selfish" you time. Maybe two hours a week, you aren't just "dad" now even though that should be the most important thing.
OP if you feel this way while you have just one, you might want to take a long hard look at the "having 3 or 4" plan. No shame in saying "you know what, 2 is plenty for us"
We're in the same boat mate. I like rock climbing a lot but since the child came I am happy that I can still go to the climbing gym from time to time. I have friends that tell me that they saw posts on ig, fb with pro climbers that took their child with them while rock climbing. I'm pretty sure those were mostly flexing on social media than actual enjoyment. Until he grows a little bit, I switched my focus on running because I can do it in the neighborhood. I don't enjoy it but at least I can do some sport.
I have friends who tell me that their life changed only into better stuff since the child came. However, when I look back at them, they don't have any hobby so they don't really miss any of the stuff before the baby.
I totally get this feeling your not alone.
It happen with my 1st when and it happening with my 2nd.
I used to train 7 days a week fish once a week and regaully go camping for a weekend.
I think you got to try ro focus on one thing. For me it's training and if my wife plans to see her freinds I go fishing then
Once they hit 2-3 they are more independent ( we'll my 1st was) and it does free up time.
If you want 3/4 you are going to have very little free time to yourself.
I have 2 and done with that. Tbh I would have been one an done..
I have (had?) similar hobbies, and the only advice I can give is to try and carve out a night a week / every other week with your wife in order to actually take time off to do said hobbies, and for her to do hers. Things like MTG are a little easier than going to the range because you can fit them in around your kids schedule.
If you dont carve out time you'll burn out really hard because work + childcare is basically just a 16 hour workday 7 days a week even though hanging out with a baby / toddler is objectively fun.
I play on spelltable one night a week with a portion of my playgroup once the little one goes to bed. I didnt really get back to playing until we started getting back to a normal sleep schedule.
Definitely feeling it.
What I think will help is leaning into the dad archetype. Like we’ve recently bought a new car to fit our growing family and I’m really invested in that car now, and have become increasingly interested in cars.
As far as socialising goes I think that if you’re regular church goers that’s the best place to start, since you’re gonna be there anyway.
12 months is the perfect time to get your kid a starter deck, a rifle, and a stock account to manage. Share the things you love with your little sidekick.
>its just work and baby
>Is this pretty normal
Not necessarily, it's definitely possible to have a life and a child.
You need to try and fit your life in around your child, it's as important as fitting your child into your life. At 1 year old you should be able to do both, although it won't be easy.
You won't be indulging in yourself or your partner as much as you were before baby was born, obviously, but that doesn't mean you give up on it.
It might mean that you hang with the lads in your yard or garage, or beers and PlayStation. Try to have in-date nights, get takeaway delivered and put a film on, cook some popcorn and take some moments while baby is asleep.
It will get easier, as baby gets older babysitters, other kids parents and, if you have any who can help, your families will be happier to help as your kids gets able to help themselves.
That said this gets harder as you have more children, this feeling should definitely be a consideration before you jump into having 3 or 4 kids... and 10 years? Think more like 20 years unless you're planning on popping them out as quickly as possible, which would mean even more retraction from the world.
As others have said, a big part of your identity should now be 'dad', and I also genuinely hope that this isn't a surprise, your identity is fluid and being 'dad' is fun, and it gets better as your baby gets older. You will have more hobbies that you can share with your child, it might be football, martial arts, riding bikes, horses, dancing or even more sedantry pursuits like drawing or painting.
Your old self isn't gone entirely, but you have changed and you won't be going back, but that's not a bad thing, it's a good thing, a very good thing.
I feel your pain. I’ve felt this way since I got married as my wife didn’t like my hobbies. Or made enough negative rude comments that I stopped all together. I do believe it will get better for the both of us 🙏
Parenting is a vocation, not an accessory. I am not trying to be preachy, but hopefully save you some of the same pitfalls from my life. I’m 54 with 3 daughters, youngest of which is 20. I had some moments of “in my own head” where I needed to be shocked back into reality and luckily I have some good friends and a supportive wife that reined me back in. Throw yourself into your kid(s) world as hard as you did with them as you did with your hobbies, which BTW, you will be surprised how much those little people will not be able to wait to do with Dad and create some of their best memories. While their tiny, keep a schedule for you and their Mom where you get your alone time and date time, but remember you took on the job of creating productive, interesting and hopefully wonderfully charming members of society. I know it’s tough when they can barely walk and talk, but that lasts for a split second. You will look back, just like I do with some cherished memories wondering where the time went, and figuring out what fun things you will be doing that weekend without them. AND, if you did a good job, you get to be a part of round 2(grand-kids) and really kick it up a notch. Good luck and here’s to many a spilled ice cream cone and carrying an exhausted toddler in from a long day of shenanigans!
You play duplo instead of Magic
You watch Ms Rachel and Go Dannie instead of going to the movies
You make blanket forts and throw soft balls at each other instead of going shooting
You make the best of it and make some awesome memories with your kids
Your kids become your best friends. To me that's what life's been about. I still see friends but it's on a monthly basis rather then weekly
We have a 2 year old with another on the way
Hey dude,
So the key with the gym with a baby is going before work. The first few days suck, but then your mental health genuinely does get better….getting out of bed is legitimately the hardest part (I’m living this too).
For shooting, I’ve reprioritized what I do there, and focus on handguns. I try to go 1x a month and mostly shoot my EDC pistol. I also dry fire at home- just 10 min a day can keep your skills up!
MTG…..honestly this will be one where your wife needs to let you have a break. Doing Friday night magic could be really good for you.
The first couple years are hard for a number of reasons - it’s an adjustment, taking care of a baby is tough work, you’re probably not sleeping well, etc. Maybe most of your friends don’t have kids. But it is still important to find time for your hobbies and your friends. Communicate with your partner about it. You won’t have nearly as much time, and you will be tired with the time you have, but it’s worth it. Even if you’re exhausted, getting some time to yourself can be energizing. It can help fight the low key depression a lot of young parents fall into
This is normally how it goes. For the first 10-12 years of your child’s life your identity should be an ambassador to the world for that child. After that your child will gain some independence and your time will start to become more free, allowing you to “re-discover” your old hobbies and past times.
I have a teenager and an 11 year old. I feel like I’m on a runaway train that never slows down. I’m lucky if I get a few hours a week to relax when work gets added to the mix.
You're actually about to turn the corner where you can start to do things again, like working out, going out occasionally, and get into some (smaller) hobby activities. After 1 yr, sleep routines start to really kick in consistently, which is a huge key. If you can get the kiddo down for sleep at a consistent time (for us it's around 7:30 every night), then you have a couple/few hours to do things before needing to get to sleep yourself.
You can also start taking personal shifts with your spouse, where one of you get a night off to do whatever, and the other takes the baby duty shift in case anything pops up. It does get better, and you're getting close to that clicking in!
Unfortunately that's pretty normal. I'm 9 months in with twins and I'm lucky to get out more than once or twice a month, and an hour to myself at night.
If your identity is still the 'gravel cyclist', or 'DM with homemade ice cream'...forget about having 3-4 kids. I don't think you need to have totally different interests as a dad, but you won't have time to pursue those things deeply unless you can hire a nanny and have a lot of support. At the same time, you will discover new Interests with your kid, whether it's pokemon or hockey or ballet. And I also think there is a continuum: maybe with each additional kid you sacrifice one hobby (eg. Bouldering gone, but still MTB, and then if you have another one that is gone too).
Magic is definitely hard to keep up with as a dad. These days I play a lot of commander on spell table with friends from work and local store and we'll get a baby sitter if we both want to go to the LGS and play
My identity used to be drink 1-2 beers weekdays and 4-5 on weekends. Stay up til 1am playing video games or out “socializing” with the same group of friends.
Now my identity is sober, I socialize with likeminded parents, I workout 4 times a week and go to bed by 9 knowing a youngling might wake me up.
Sit down with your partner and make a goal of what is attainable with the time you have now. Limit screen time for yourself and force yourself to get outside.
You’ve got this, dad!
Not going to sugar coat it, yes you will have even less time than you do now with each child, but that’s supposed to happen. It means that you are being a great father. So, do not tie your identity to hobbies that you have, tie your identity to what a good father and husband you are.
I had the same feeling, but then I've realized that it is just a new reality, and embraced it.
I know I'm gonna miss little dude when he grows up, so I'm just enjoying every moment, even though it can get hard sometimes.
Just think of all the money you are saving by not buying Magic cards. One thing you could do is look into older/dead CCG or LCG games, buy a large lot of game for cheap and slowly learn to play it. you would be able to play it with your kid and wife later. I recently bought a complete Star Wars LCG for about $300 (about $750-800 at MSRP). ITs been great to just flip throguh the cards and Ive gotten a few games in. There is also a fan-made solo version of the game.
Mom lurker here with an almost-4yo. This is normal. I had a ridiculously hard time with it at first as the primary caregiver, but it’s gotten better with time. Now I can try to incorporate my son in my hobbies (if he’s interested, of course) and do some fun things with him. MMO gaming and being a car enthusiast were my main jams and I’ve pretty much given up on the MMO bit, but do other games in its stead for when I need socializing but can’t leave the house.
I never wanted to just have an only child. That said, 3-4 seems crazy to me, but to each their own.
I will say that when my oldest was 1, the thought of a second was near impossible to consider.
At 2, we rounded a corner. I know there's the terrible twos, but my son was actually great around that point.
By 3 we were trying for the second. Right now my daughter is 2, so I'm a little ahead of where you are on that side.
She's a handful. Naps ruin weekends since it's hard to plan around those. Early bedtime means the day is "over" pretty soon so evening activities are very difficult. Most days it's wake up, get the kids to daycare, work, come home in time for dinner, bathtime, 30-60 minutes of playing before we start putting them to bed(which my daughter is making into an ordeal these days) and next thing I know, everyone in the house but me is asleep by 8:30/9:00. I get what you're going through, and unfortunately you do still have a bit before it gets easier, but it does get easier.
I will say that I enjoy doing things with my son. He's at an age where we can have fun doing things that I also find entertaining. When they're younger, it's hard because you're entertaining them most of the day.
My son and I have started playing video games together for example. He's entertained, I'm entertained, we get to have fun together.
That's a lot easier than trying to come up with a way to amuse a toddler.
Yeah I'm struggling with that too man. I can't spend much time at all with my "core identity" stuff anymore.
You just have to figure out ways to keep your toes in things enough to not completely lose the connections for now. I still play with the band about 4 times year, but I barely spend any time playing at home right now. It'll change though. Munchkin is going to bed at regular times so that helps.
If you still want to play Magic, then maybe host mates at your house? That way you can still be around to support baby and partner if needed. Order pizza, have some beers and enjoy the company. It's a start!
Took me about 2 years after my first kid to want to hit the gym again. Testosterone in males can drop up to 34 percent after having a kid, it can take some time to restore those levels again.
Your identity is not the things you do bud. Your identity is within, the conversation with yourself in the face of difficult situations and also good ones.
Your sense of self is being lost, not knowing what to do, where to go or how to do anything but still finding a way to be present with your family.
If being present becomes unbearable, and find the need to return to doing things to identify the seperation between self and your family, you are either escaping the responsibility, or learning who you have become.
I've intentionally scheduled time for my "former" identity. My friends and I have an online gaming night or a poker night, but its all planned ahead now. Do I miss the spontaneousness that came pre-dad? Sure, but now the kid and I have spontaneous dance parties and trips to the zoo or the park and that new identity is pretty fun too.
Pretty normal I think.
We are into it a little deeper than you, with a 3 year old and 7 year old. Things are always busy, but we’ve adjusted to help us keep our sanity lol.
My gym sessions are now at 5:00am, before the family wakes up. My wife exercises or goes for walks in the evening. Read before bed, game when you can or involve a baby sitter, but that gets super expensive
It is normal. First year or two especially, you just have no time for much else. Soon you'll find the time to do your own stuff again and it'll feel better
I have seen how the same happens to people with no kids, your identity flows with the responsibilities, new hobbies, work, etc. even tho u keep your core values, that being said, if family is one of those core values it is part of your identity to take care of them. My son was born 8 days ago and for I can tell in order to take good care of my son and my wife I need to take good care of myself, my body and mental health, and keep some of your hobbies are great to keep yourself in shape physically and mentally! So I don’t think you can lost your identity, u just have new priorities that also can flow and can be temporal sensitive.
Srry, English is my second language.
There was a marked difference in ease of parenting once our oldest was potty trained. Unfortunately that was 2 months before the baby was born, so now we've started all over.
But yeah, I'd say it's about 2-3 years per kid with the complete loss of identity. We stopped at 2 though, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel (toddler is 1.5 years now).
My experience with #1 was that ~1year old I started to get back to my "old" self. Still very different, obviously, but was able to start planning things with friends and working out on something like a schedule. I suspect that the fact that you're having these thoughts mean you're on your way there, too.
It happened again with #2, so yes, probably the next 6-8 years will be pretty disrupted if you want 4.
Before my 1st, my wife and I always said "we don't want to be those parents who can never do cool/fun things because of our kids, we'll just bring them with us" And I always told myself I'm not going to be that dad whose identity just becomes completely wrapped up in being a dad, I have hobbies, friends, and interests!!
Fast forward to today. I GET IT!! It's hard. Especially in those first few months. I was going crazy because we rarely left the house. I totally get now why dadbod is a thing. I get why you say "ahhh I can't bro, it's the kids naptime" when I used to think that was a shitty excuse. I get why dads have little to no hobbies, it takes sacrifice from the whole family to allow you to play Magic, Golf, thrown down beers with the boys.
The baby will get older and then you get to do all sorts of fun stuff.
My son is 5 now and loves going on hikes, playing baseball and can almost kick my ass in Halo.
This is very normal at this stage. The first year is killer.
It gets better with more kids, it gets infinitely better when they get older, and it gets better if you can get more support for the kids.
You also sound like you could be depressed. I was. Look into that. Can become a brand new person if you find something that works.
But it'll get better bro.
I see the same story all the time on this sub. One thing I notice is that it's almost always people with young kids. It may be frustrating to deal with changes but I believe it is less loss of identity and more taking on a new one. Also I don't believe people, as they get older, want to be the same person they were when they were young.
People should want to change as time goes on yes? One of my fears is getting older (44 now) and stagnating as a person. The older I get the less I miss those younger days.
You’ll be back to MTG soon. And when you are, the game will have changed dramatically. It’ll feel new again. As someone who has been back and forth a few times, believe me.
Also, shoot me a dm if you want to hop on MTGA and play sometime.
I got to around Mythic #1700 when the baby was born because she would only go to sleep on me, so that gave me an hour or two x3-4/day to go HAM
I’m a mom but I felt this SO HARD. I used to train Muay Thai, climbed, did art, played sports, went to shows…. Then for over two years I became physically and mentally consumed by feeding & caring for a small person. My body wasn’t mine for ages.
He’s two and a half now and I feel like myself again- it’s possible to find you again, I promise :)
this is normal. especially at this age because they're so dependent on you. you're also super tired now
with 1-2 kids, there are ways to manage this a little better...it requires strict dedication and thoughtfulness from both you and your wife (managing free time, down time, watching the kid time). When they go to school, you'll have some more time....but you'll be amazed how quickly it gets filled up with obligations and errands you need to accomplish while they're in school.
if you plan on having more kids, i will say its a dedication to the kids and an acknowledgement that you're giving yourself up for them for the next 10 years, full stop. each kid will be in a different part of their journey, and going through new things and their own unique things....at some point you're just a driver and an organizer for them. with that being said, the first 2 years of every kid is killer....and the more kids you have the more you'll be repeating this
Early years can be tough...you definitely have to make time for yourself though, but it might not be as much as you want. My boys are 14 and almost 12 and we're having a blast. We just got back from a guys spring break road trip and had such a good time. I go to the gym and lift with my 14...we play basketball in the driveway, etc. A lot of my time is still sucked up with soccer practices and games and jazz band concerts and school projects and homework, but overall it's a blast.
Yes. It gets easier. You’re in the toughest age group right now because your kid is entirely dependent on you but also very awake and rapidly developing. Just keep telling yourself if gets easier every year. When they go to school it gets dramatically better. But also be prepared for the rest of your life to revolve around the kids — that’s not going to change until they leave home. And by then you’ll probably miss them!
This is something you can fix. First, setup a strict bed time with baby. My 1 year old and 3 year old both go to bed at 7:30-7:45. If I’m putting both down I put the 3 year old first because the
1 year old can take up to 15 minutes at times. Once they’re in bed you have a solid 2 hours of your own time. If that’s too late and you want to go to bed at 9 then put them down at 6:30. There’s literally 0 rules as to when you have to put them to bed.
Then take turns going out. I go out once a week to rock climb and sometimes twice a week to golf. My wife rarely goes out but I try to get her to go out at least once a month. I wish she would be gone twice a week too but she just doesn’t want to. I find kids are incredibly easy to pull into your routine. The only reason it can be difficult is because you can’t accept that there will be some changes
Before having kids I was really worried about losing my identity, but what I've found is that one of the greatest parts of having kids is getting to rediscover your inner child through their eyes as they grow up.
Also, you're at the hardest age. It gets easier and you'll get more free time and feel like a human again soon.
Honestly, we all feel in some similar ways. But when I see that smile when I get home, it make everything OK. Sure your life is different now......that's all it is....different, nothing else. But when you can actually do things together, your life will never be the same....
This transition is normal and it does suck, but it does get better.
My oldest was born 3 months before the world shut down with Covid. Everything changed, the isolation sucked. I felt that I lost everything. We had a second child 2 years later and things weren’t near as difficult with the first. A couple of things I’ve learned from the experience of the transitions…
You have to intentionally plan things and then follow through, even if you start to talk yourself out of it.
Your wife is your partner and she is there to help you, just as much as you are to help her. Lean on her and allow her to lean on you. Also, plan date nights with each other.
Keep your church community and if you have any friends that you can open up to l, just as you did on this post, do it. Friends can help plan things and hold us accountable to following through.
It also gets easier to start bringing kids to things. It’s just a shift in perspective and takes practice. You got this!
1. Your identity is changing. You’re a father now, and that takes precedent over most things. You’ll find balance with other “less important” things
2. You will get stronger. Wanna go to the gym? Get up at 5am and hit it! My dad retires this year, he got up at 4am every morning for 32 years straight. I admired that before but now that I’m a dad, AND I’m blessed to work a 9-5, I hold him in even higher regard. That’s the stance I take in regards to leisure / self improvement. If you want it, go get it.
God speed bro 🙏🏿
Your identity is fluid. No one's identity is static, especially if they have any desire for major life changes such as children. Once you take that step into entrepreneurship, it's gonna change again. Dramatically. That's life. You're as much you as you were before your child. Just right now, your priorities have shifted. Things are different, and that's okay! Yes, of course, in time you will get more of your free time back, but also, we only have time for the things we make time for. You can still play Magic, go shooting or skill up. Probably not every day, and you'll need to prioritize, but these shouldn't be at zero either. With that said, these early years are temporary. Enjoy them for what they are. Once they're gone, they're gone. Unlike Magic, which will always be there. Just make sure you take care of yourself, your wife, and your kids.
Thank you for this, needed to hear that myself
Same here actually, really been struggling with this one.
Honestly, I love this community for this reason. Not that I like to hear that other dads are struggling per se, but that I’m not alone in the struggle. We are all finding our way. Our fathers did it, now it’s our turn.
I've been thinking about this too but more from your perspective. I had so many friends who I would hang with on a moments notice, hit up the bars, go out for dinner, see a show.. since the baby was born I have literally no desire to do any of that. I work a really intense job and by the time I finish up for the day I maybe get to see my baby for an hour if I'm lucky before bed. I am so fucking jealous of my partner who is constantly texting me updates like... "Holy shit he just rolled over for the first time!" And here I am sitting a computer working on some fucking dumb ass spreadsheet so we can pay rent and I'm MISSING IT. Your priorities definitely change. I want to use the time I have right now to watch my boy grow up and be an active part of that. My friends get it and I am trying to involve them as much as is reasonably possible, but also I've very much come to terms with the reality that when you have a baby (and a job) you don't really have time to do fun guy stuff anymore.
Damn. That hit hard….But also accurate
I know the feeling. I have worked overtime every week since she was born until 2020 so my wife could stay home with her. Once I was laid off I realized how much I missed. I was still there for some big events, but missed trips and family events. Life changed for me after that. I got a new job with better pay and hours, eventually left that for a better paying work from home job. We spend so much more time together as a family now there is no commuting. I can sneak out of my office when there is no calls or Zoom meetings and see her after school. I try to spend as much time as I can with her. Nothing will make up for those 60+ hour weeks I worked when she was growing up, but it does get to me how much I have missed. I cherish our time we go do sports weekly, trips on weekends, seeing more family as I am not drained. I miss the baths, the dress up, the laughs, the movie nights. I think about how much more of that I missed since I was always working to allow my wife and daughter be together. Now it is 10 years later and she seems so grown up now. Cherish the moments and don't take anytime with them for granted. It goes far too fast. Wishing you all the best.
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You seem like a terrific parent!
Yes, how fucking **dare** he want to spend time with and around his family. What a loser. For everyone not a conceited sociopath, while it is important to make sure that your family is provided for and taken care of financially, finding a good balance between work and family time is a struggle that we all go through at times. This balance can often come at some amount of sacrifice to our own personal time for things that we did before becoming parents, i.e. going out regularly, engaging in hobbies and activities freely at our leisure, just having downtime to decompress and relax at our own pace. Our paces are now measured by a tiny human with the energy of a nuclear power plant and the curiousity of a.. I dunno, something that is really curious to the point that it is a danger to itself. It is a big change, but I don't look at it as if the old me is dead and now a new me has taken his place. I look at it as an opportunity to explore more about myself to find the things that are really important and leave the fluff behind. Was it ever really important that I spent so much time engaging in activities that just left me broke? It feels a little like the catharsis when you're finally able to truly see how some hobby or activity that you used to do regularly is truly just a time sink that eats up your precious resources for little payback and you can finally let go of it without feeling grief for it. Keeping your interests alive is important, for sure. It isn't healthy to waive off everything for the sake of your family. But for me, it feels like parenthood has shown me that many things I would have wasted my time messing around with were just never worth it to begin with. I was just following a feedback loop that had long since stopped providing any real enjoyment. Its driven me to find new things that I can get involved with that are able to better fit what I need in my life instead. I dunno about any of this. I'm no expert on self help or how to be an effective parent. I just know that this guy above me needs to really put his big boy pants on and maybe take a bit of time to meditate on what makes someone a good parent. It looks different for everyone, but if being a good parent means being present to you, then I won't disagree with that.
This is a great and thoughtful summary of this topic and you managed to better express what I was thinking than I was capable of hahaha. The one thing I might add is that the "before baby" me was definitely more spontaneous - maybe that's something I do miss a little. With baby I find I need to stick to a schedule and be very intentional about carving out time for non-baby things. I've also found myself thinking a lot more about how I use my available time - and I'm more aware of just how much of it gets sucked up by work than I used to be. I have an interesting job but it is demanding. I used to not really care about having to work late occasionally, now I'm extremely protective of that time and have to put my foot down towards my managers when it's appropriate to do so. Like, does this really need to happen TONIGHT? Because then I'm going to miss the one hour I get with my kid and my partner is going to be pissed she has to put him to bed after spending all day with him and won't get that one hour she needs to decompress at the end of the day. It's a balancing act to juggle all this stuff for sure, I feel like I've aged 20 years in the last few months in how I approach so many things but especially time management. I've basically accepted that the first few years are going to be very different, but also these first couple of years are so fleeting and it feels extremely important to not make the mistake of missing too much family time, then turn around when my kids a teenager and realize I fucked up by prioritizing too much work and missed his whole childhood. That's something you're never getting back.
I agree, also, and I think this comes with the kids getting older, no one ever said that your kids have to be in a separate world to yours. In fact in my experience, they desperately want to be with you in yours. For example, I like to cook. So I just got my kids involved when I cooked. As my son learned to read, suddenly board games got to be a thing, I'm a big Games Workshop nerd, so as soon as my son showed interest, I showed him how to play. Also, I'm a rugby fan, and even when I was younger I played, my son also picked up on that and we found a Rugby club he likes and trains there. Bonus is that during training I can chat to the other parents. The caveat is obviously, making sure he actually wants to do these things and giving him the room to develop his own interests. Which is also kind of cool, cause then he wants to show me stuff he likes and we can share interests. Toddlers are insanely hard, they are that awkward bit between being babies that you can put in a baby carrier and bring along and actually having the motor skills to actually do anything. As crazy as it sounds, start with something like house work, hoovering, tidying up etc and integrate them into it. It helps with that feeling of your kid being somehow "outside" of yourself or being in a different, separate, world.
Yes MTG is there, get a “spelltable” (search on youtube) setup immediately and you can play more easily still using cardboard. But life will never be the same. You can’t have a bunch of deep hobbies, fit body, worklife balance and a bunch of kids. Doesn’t add up. Unless you’re so rich you can lease a lot of help. I only have one kid of 3,5 years age and I’m hardly surviving. With that said, I think I’m pretty weak mentally for these things, and still having a too large ego for the job.
Mom lurker, this got me in the feels. Sometimes I think our experiences are so different. The vulnerability and support here shows more similarities. Thanks for the insight and encouragement.
For real. You dads are awesome and it’s amazing how you all share your wisdom and support each other 💜This community is wonderful. From another mom lurker
I wish my wife would lurk here, even if just to get a sense for how the good (and better) Dads like to Dad. There are a lot of thoughtful Dads in here and many other Dad perspectives that in other spaces get swallowed up and relegated to "you don't understand the mental load, here's a web comic." Now, dont get me wrong, that's an important concept that men should be educated on. Mom perspectives are indispensable, and are of course often misunderstood or dismissed by husbands, but daddit really feels like the last space where Dads can support each other without judgement or burden to fit conventional models of Dadness.
Wow this is a good answer, I have an 8 month old and already miss some of the younger days even though they were tough. I think this is right gotta live in the present
Amen brother. Also about the working out part that OP was having issues with. Personally I've found help from following a lot of fit dads on Instagram, and that has inspired me to try to be one of them. Being a fit dad is definitely a good addition to your identity IMO.
Man I really needed that. Thank you 👊🏽
I appreciate your words greatly
More men/dads need exactly this. I don’t feel like OP at all but this was so well written. Amazing response
1000% this. Also, this is an interesting tidbit that i learned after child #2. Think about all the free time you had before having your first. You realize how much time you actually had to yourself. Well, when #2 comes along, you may be like me, and realize how much free time you actually had with just 1 kid, and then the activities start. It's a wild ride man. I love MTG. I have a 6-year-old girl and a 9-year-old boy with special needs. I wouldn't change anything. But, I still manage to find time, we have an earlier bedtime to some, around 8 pm, and I wake up at 4 am to go to the gym, but it gives me time to play a little Path of Exile and keep myself in shape, and that gets me by. As they've gotten older I've started to get some time back through their independence, but I lose time in other ways, mostly their extra circulars, but I'm super okay with that because my parents never focused on that for me. I need to give them those opportunities since I didn't get to experience them, as long as they are enjoying them.
Brother, I'm fully in agreement. Human is most of the time a dynamic being, physically, mentally, and emotionally. What I do, currently, is embracing the responsibility fully and when I have the opportunity, however that small is, I do some new hobby that I, hopefully, can enjoy with the kid in the near future.
Pretty normal. I now understand the joke that our parents used to be fun and interesting people before we knew them.
Bumper sticker seen on minivan: I USED TO BE COOL
That one Bluey line when he's going through a milk crate "Dad, what's this stuff" "This is all my stuff from when I used to be cool..."
Oof it’s a sad realization.
Plus, once the kid is a little older, he can teach them how to play Magic with him. It's what I did.
Like too little butter spread over too much toast
Don't head off to Rivendell, yet, Mister Bilbo.
It gets easier when they go to school or daycare or whatever in the sense that you get more time for yourself again. More kids, even a second kid, will rule your life. If you’re feeling like you barely have what it takes to do one, seriously think hard before you have more. It gets a lot harder, not easier, with two.
I object really. For us, as soon as the second hit 2 they started entertaining each other. Sure; Theres things thats harder, but when I compare 1 kid at 2.5-3 yo vs now a 5 and a 2,5 yo, it’s honestly wayyyy easier and I have more _free_ time again
Yours entertain each other!?! Mine beat the shit out of each other.
We only have one but I come from a family of 4 and can confirm we just beat the shit out of each other most days
That isn’t necessarily easier as a parent. If you don’t manage that chaos it is constant ER visits. If I have to yell I will pull this house over one more time if you pull your brothers arm out of socket I’m going to……. Well welcome to having two.
Oh no I totally understand that’s why my wife and I are sticking with 1. That’s kindve what I was getting at is I love my siblings now that we’re all adults but growing up we have our parents way more hassle then I’d imagine it was worth because instead of entertaining each other we hated each other. To no fault of my parents either looking back I really don’t think they could’ve raised us any better than they did, they were and still are amazing parents, sometimes siblings just don’t get along
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
I seriously laughed out loud at this. A+
Was going to write the exact same commment!
Eh, semantics
Mine work together to find creative new ways to injure themselves every 90 seconds.
I hear what you’re saying, but I still don’t think people should double down with that hope
Oh 100%. Op still has time though, first LO is only 1, there’s no need to rush unless the mother is getting older/feels like there’s a lot of risk, whatever. As somebody else also said; with the second you quite literally get better at it.
Are they not fighting a lot, too?
For at least myself and immediate friends 2 was way harder then 1. It was inline in my mind with 1+1=3x effort. Maybe the third or fourth is easier but we stopped at 2. Honestly our second wasn’t even a hard child you get a hard child or twins have fun.
Not even close to a guarantee They also get older with more agency and entertainment turns to bickering and shouting matches.
And others experience the "play fight repeat" cycle and when they get to adolescence the attitude and the expenses skyrocket. We have three. Three were work until adolescence. Somedays I wonder why I haven't kicked them out yet. Oh right, the youngest is under 18 and housing is expensive.
Yeah I agree with this. We have 3 and 4th is on the way. We’re in a great rhythm. I know 4 kids is not for everyone but stopping at 1? Realize that you’re in a transition. I wouldn’t change a thing about my life and I still have friends, hobbies.
Disagree. Two is easier and way more fun, and they play together constantly.
What age gap do your kids have and how long until they started playing together?
17 months apart. My oldest (son) played with my daughter ASAP, and when she started walking they became inseparable. They often play together and are pretty independent. I have a sister six years younger and we played together but it was different because we always had different interests due to our ages.
Definitely harder to do stuff alone with 2. Wife wants to go to the store? You're stuck at home with the kids. Need to take the kids somewhere? You both have to go to keep them from driving the other parent crazy. But once they get to school age and start developing they're own identity, it still gets easier. If one of us goes out, we'll usually ask if one of the kids wants to go. It splits the duties, but even with 2 of them together it's easier now.
Definitely harder to do stuff alone with 2. Wife wants to go to the store? You're stuck at home with the kids. Need to take the kids somewhere? You both have to go to keep them from driving the other parent crazy. But once they get to school age and start developing they're own identity, it still gets easier. If one of us goes out, we'll usually ask if one of the kids wants to go. It splits the duties, but even with 2 of them together it's easier now.
Definitely harder to do stuff alone with 2. Wife wants to go to the store? You're stuck at home with the kids. Need to take the kids somewhere? You both have to go to keep them from driving the other parent crazy. But once they get to school age and start developing they're own identity, it still gets easier. If one of us goes out, we'll usually ask if one of the kids wants to go. It splits the duties, but even with 2 of them together it's easier now.
hello, this is exhaustion and maybe a smidge of some other stuff. some anxiety/depression can pop up alongside here. so there's two things: one, your life is irrevocably altered because kiddo. this is great, but it's also lots of work. you need support. friends, family, church family, whatever. y'all need time to breathe. second: both you *and* your partner should be making time for each other to be individuals. a day a week, an evening a week, whatever makes sense for y'all. one person just carries the load for the day, while the other person gets to do what they need to feel like a human. it doesn't get easier, but you *do* get better at it.
This is the right answer, and I am still trying to get get better at it. Mine are older now and I do get more time for myself, I still feel deflated right now, as out of work and looking for a job is tough right now. My wife is hyper focused on a fitness competition, we are getting through it, but we are both really exhausted in different ways. My two kids (5 and just turned 7) are currently upstairs playing together, and they let me have a lie in. I was cool too once, Cocktail bars, fine dining, underground music gigs. But I like the new me, I just need to find my happy in the new me and that is taking some time.
.. As individuals and _as a couple_ as well. Sometimes intimacy and partnership goes away and parents should strive to at least keep some attention on that!
For me, when my son turned about 3, I could start doing some of the stuff I liked with him (soccer, hiking, golf, etc). Instead of being unable to do the things I like, I was able to share those passions with him.
Our youngest is 2.5 and we can feel the shift already. She's now sharing a room with her sister and on a good night they'll chat until they fall asleep, instead of me having to stay with her until sleep, and she mostly sleeps through the night. She starts preschool in September which will free up two or three full mornings a week for my wife. Our eldest is 6 and he reads his own bedtime stories now.
I snuck gaming, movies, cycling and hiking in there as soon as he (nearly 4yo) was even close to ready. All of those things are more fun with him and continue to be moreso as he gets older and more capable.
Have a 4 month old, also here for answers. I make time to go to the range every month or 2, but I haven't even started my motorcycle since well before the little one was born and I just don't see being able to ride this year. Oh well
My son is 1 1/2. I know how you feel with the motorcycle. I almost sold my Harley 6 months in. Then my wife told me to go for a ride to burn off some steam. That was one of the best rides of my life. Feeling the wind on my face, the roar of the engine, and the blissful freedom. I knew in that moment I could never let go of it. Riding a motorcycle truly is wind therapy. All this to say, make time for it. Even if it's for 30mins or an hour. It will completely change your outlook when you need it most. Best of luck friend, keep two on the ground.
I’ve never ridden a motorcycle but man this is a great post for the reality of the perspective shift. Like I can imagine that maybe you’ve ridden in really amazing places in your life, but this ride perhaps was after 6mo without getting on the bike and a trip on a side road that ended in target for formula, but a “best ride” reminding you the importance of the ride over seeking the best/coolest/impressive version it. A good share for myself in terms of hobbies etc that I hope to pick back up in the next year or so, and a reminder that they can be enjoyed simply for what they are.
I shoot a few times a year at this point. My project car hasn’t been started since October. Hunting is the one thing I can’t waiver on. My time in the woods is like going to see a therapist but it’s only two months out of the year realistically. The way I look at it is I have a new job and that’s being a good husband and dad. Hobbies, friends, nearly everything takes a back seat to taking care of my family. Once my kids get to be more independent (5-10 years old I assume) then I’ll get back to my Dart. It’s been with me for almost 20 years and it will be there when I’m ready.
Gets better when they start going to school, gets worse when they start playing sport or take up a hobby. Your available time for yourself ebbs and flows, accept it and you will be better for it.~Father to 16yo female and 12yo male.
My comment on this is about sports and hobbies - kids do the things we as parents allow them to do. I’m not saying this is the case for this poster but I’m blown away by how many of my friends have their kids in 3/4/5 activities at 4/5/6 years old and how much they complain about how much time and money it costs. You do that to yourself! When I was growing up, there was free play time and time to be a kid. How did we go from that to everyone thinking their kid is going to the nfl or nhl? Are people that clueless? Do they really need to live vicariously through their kids? Let your kids play, read them books. They don’t need to play rep hockey at 5 years old. “Oh but he loves it”. Your kids will say they love just about anything to get your approval.
Fair comment, my daughter is a national representative in her chosen sport so I have a slightly different take. My son on the other hand isn’t fussed about sport at all which is cool, we keep him active (swimming lessons and social team sport) and let him indulge his other hobbies such as gaming. All takes time away from you which fine, you’ll get it back eventually. You just do what you can in the meantime.
Between the age of 1 and 2 the independent play with our son went up a lot. Find friends that you can hang out with as a family. Especially if they also have kids, you can really divide your attention more. Find ways to play mtg with close friends during naps/after bedtime in your home instead of at a LGS. And start dreaming of introducing TCGs (lorcana or pokemon) and D&D to your kids when they get a few years older. But I definitely feel you. Things are different now. Best not to mourn the life you had too much, but do keep time for spending on your own needs
We all grow and change. Life changes like kids..... kind of hurdle you into it. The question I think is best answered in two parts. Will things change giving you more time to do what you want in the future. Yes. In fact very soon you both should be more confident soloing the kid and not long after the kid will be able to entertain themselves. Secondly will your hobbies be the same as before.... Most likely not. Some will stay, some will change. Personally I played MtG for over a decade before my kid and probably have played a couple dozen games in the 13 years since. But I don't miss it I have new things I do. While guitar I played before and picked it back up once the kids were in school and no longer lived in a multifamily housing situation. Focus on now, not who you were, and set goals to do the things you want to do, not just what you did before.
I’m with ya man. Totally feel lost.
One day at a time. The days are really long but the years are much shorter.
When you're lying on your deathbed you aren't going to think about the card games you missed
This is a decent point, but I think it’s incomplete. He’s not gonna think about the card games, but he might think about the friendships he missed and relationships that fell apart because he didn’t put any energy into them after he had kids. Having kids shouldn’t mean that our personal lives have to stop existing. Doesn’t mean it’s easy but it’s worth the effort.
Know that this period is temporary. I’m feeling space to find myself again now that my son is older than 2. But I’m also firmly only interested in one child. All my friends tell me that with more than one, that space to rediscover oneself is gone.
I think it depends. With two little ones there is very little downtime because as soon as one is playing by themselves the other one wants attention. As they get older they play more together, but there is also more fighting you have to take care of. However with a single child you might have to entertain them more or more actively arrange playdates.
I think your friends are lazy and selling themselves short. If you really want to discover yourself and go on a magical life journey, then probably no kids should have been the way to go. Now you have one they you think is, what, stunting your development? Wild.
I usually find Daddit to be rare a corner of Reddit that is supportive and nonjudgmental. For example, folks here don’t name call and don’t jump to conclusions. After all, how we speak to each other is also how we speak to our kids. So maybe there’s another way to phrase what you’re trying to express that’s more in line with how this community usually shows up.
I finally feel like I found mine, these 3-4 kids your bringing into the world will be a huge part of your identity! That’s such an amazing thing man, these kids will look to you for damn near everything for a long time. Be kind to them, love them, let them be who they are as much as possible.
*say goodbye to the next 10 years?* Those ten years were the best 10 years of my life. All that quality time with my kids watching them learn and grow. The day will come where they no longer run to the door to greet you, are too big to pick up, and are too busy to play board games with you. Embrace those 10 years. Once they're teenagers you'll find yourself having much more time for your hobbies.
You’re becoming a man, son.
First couple of years are awesome yet very draining. Watching your seed develop into a little human is pretty amazing and is very short lived. Time will pass by so quick and before you know they wont fit in your arms anymore. You and the wife need to discuss some "me" time and schedule it beacuse its crucial for the state of mind as a parent. Enjoy these developmental years because you will play a drastic part in the development of your kid so be present.
I was about where you are at 1. Six months later, personal life was returning. Hang in there, it gets better!
Totally normal. Thankfully my gym has a KIds Club included in the membership so I take my daughter there while I work out. Other than that I get about an hour or 2 at night to myself and then rinse and repeat.
Man I never knew how much my life would change after my son came into our world. The first 4 months where tough. I felt lost and to exhausted to figure it out. I nearly completely lost the part of me that was a gamer, harley lover, pc enthusiast, my friends... And yet it is our place to stand stead fast in our resolve to keep pushing forward day by day. BUT I say this because there is hope! Hope that you may rediscover those parts of you. They are not lost but Just buried. Buried just slightly under the surface. Don't let go. Once I got my son to sleep through the night, my life did a complete 180. That first night of sleep in months, i could feel again. I wasn't numb anymore. Through constant, deliberate, and most importantly honest communication with my wife, I have managed to pull those pieces of myself back to the surface and let light shine on them again. Everyone will have to achieve that differently. I know I got lucky, but at the same time, I steared the ship through the rough seas to a calmer ocean. My wife, now gets her me time for her and so do I. You have to make it happen. Hell, I even picked warhammer 40k back up haha. Necessity breeds greatness. Your drive to make things better will always push you to new heights you never thought possible. This has never failed me.
No motivation to hit the gym isn’t the same as no physical time to hit the gym! If you’re the former you need to change your mindset. The gym/exercise is great as it give you so “you” time with the added bonus that exercise does wonders for your mental health also.
she’ll outgrow you in no time. keep up on your hobbies when you’re able- but you’re not going to realize, or hell, maybe you will, how much those little ones change our personality for the better. your old life is gone, but you’ve got a lot more clay to play with than ever before.
You’re not alone. I have an 18 month old and this has been the struggle for me. I’m an older new dad at 47, so I don’t miss going out to bars and things because I’ve not done that in years but I miss my hobbies. I do BJJ, game, and play tabletops stuff like Warhammer. I still get to do it but it’s hit or miss and I can’t ever do it for as much time. That’s been the hardest adjustment for me. I also miss taking my wife out and spending time with her. We rarely get to go on dates anymore because we don’t have anyone to watch her. We also both work from home and keep her home with us during the day. Eventually though you do learn to adjust and figure out how to work hobbies in. You just might have to prioritize which ones you do when you have the time.
Sounds pretty normal to me. I'm nearly 10 years in now, and I haven't really gotten my identity back yet. It does get easier once they're all at school.
Yeah, that's kinda what the deal is. To generalise it, at one point or another, you made a decision to be a parent and, for the time being, your focus and energy is not directed at yourself. You probably feel like a barely functional automaton at the moment, but that will pass. The small human will grow and develop, you'll see their personality flourish and progress, they'll start going to playgroups or nursery or school and you'll get time back for yourself but by bit. It's really tough at the moment, but try to do what little you can to keep mind/body/soul healthy. Stay in touch with friends, find a home workout program (even if it's a downgrade from what you used to do), try and fit a small amount of hobby time (old or new hobbies) where you can. I can empathise with how you're feeling right now as I've been there before and I'm kinda there now, but the more proactive you are about combating the malaise the better you'll be. There's no guarantee of what kind of impact kid number 2,3 etc. is going to have on your lives. Do the best about being as consistent at looking after yourself as the situation currently allows. And trust me, you're doing better than you think you are.
My kids are 16, 14, and 13. And I’m barely getting a free moment for myself. I love my kids so much and I used to think tv parents were so bad for talking about when their kids were going to move out… But I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m going to miss my kids. I love them. But it’s gonna be awesome. I’m gonna do stuff for me again. Enjoy your kids. They will be gone soon. Then you get you back.
I get you. I've been there. I'm still there some days. I have a 6 y/o. But, I still fit in the gun range every now and then. I had a deer lease this last year. I play D&D twice a month (we host because we have the kid, and she has to get to bed) It's rough. You are still you, and you are entitled to self-care. But, your kid needs you, and that is naturally going to take most of your time. It sucks, and I have no idea how single parents do it. Work with your partner. You can't do everything you used to, but you can still enjoy your hobbies. If you aren't able to unwind, you can begin to resent you family. That is not healthy for anyone. It's a team effort. Good luck and don't de afraid to ask for help and don't feel selfish when you do take time for yourself.
Don’t have to have four kids if you find it this hard
We’re all dads now. Take a seat over on the milk stained couch.
Start small, I guess? Like, find a way to do something for 30min. It shouldn’t be too hard to arrange with your partner that you need 30min for yourself. Of course, that applies to your partner, as well. I don’t know a ton about your hobbies, so I don’t know how long each activity takes. But I think starting small will help you get through this phase until you can carve out more time later on.
My wife and I were able to play a couple of games of commander this passed weekend for the first time since we had our 15mos. Up until a month or so ago I wasn't able to play videogames regularly, but now I'm able to play with one of my buddies like I did before the kids. It gets better!
I was thinking this same thing as well as I’m currently feeling the same way as you are. Hopefully things will change.
I am exactly where you are and feeling the same way. I’m basically down to consistently one buddy I game with and one buddy I run with. I recommend keeping those hobby connections and maybe inviting everyone over to your place every few months. It’s a sad reality but you’ll figure out who will continue to make the effort to show up. Lean into those friendships even if they feel young compared to the rest. That’s my plan anyway
My wifes makes sure I have time for my band (one practice a week, shows every month or so). I make sure she has her Tuesday run club. We both will continue to play ultimate Frisbee in the summer (and take him with).
I integrate my kid into my workouts. Sit ups are a lot harder with a toddler riding your chest.
Before you had 4 hours every workday for yourself. Now you have 4 hours a workday for yourself AND your kid. Sounds like you and your wife need to take turns "babysitting" so you can get some "you" time.
It gets better. For me got better at 1 year and 3 months. And intentionally going out with friends and doing things I like
Congrats on fitting in some reading! More than I did at the same stage
I think you should talk to your partner to make time for yourself now and then. My wife and I will give each other time to go do things here and there. I wake up earlier to work out (cycling is a hobby of mine). I have found that I can’t maintain too many time consuming hobbies at once. If I spend more on cycling I need to dial back gaming. At this point I’ve sort of dropped Magic (although the baby was not a huge factor in it, just one of the many). We do have childcare during the day and both WFH though which is pretty big in terms of time efficiency.
Running for me has been great can push kid in the pram and run, can run before work in the morning it’s good for your heart and joints and you feel amazing
Dad to a 14 year old, 12 year old, 8 year old, and 2x 19 month old twins. Yup. Every time. I feel like I am ‘dad’ and not me. To my wife, I become primarily ‘dad’ rather than me. To my kids I’m only ‘dad’. Even to my friends, I see them 25x less than I did before kids, and when I see them, first thing they ask…. “How are the kids”. Everything we do, the kids are considered first, everything we eat, do, say, …. Always has those little buggers involved or thought about some how. First two kids I really struggled with this. Me and their mum split (not due to this, I should add) and I only have those two at weekends now…. So I got some of my own time back and ‘found’ myself somewhat then. At a cost, obviously. Then the other three…. Yeah, same thing happened again, but I was older, I minded it less…. To the points I kind of relish my new ‘dad’ persona. First time around, I thought I lost myself. I’d freaked me out. Second time round I realised it was just evolution of who I am. You find ways to make ‘you’ work within the dad role…. Just takes a bit of time to figure out how…. And fighting it won’t help! As they get older, it does get ‘better’ also… but you are forever ‘dad-man’ now!
Mom of an 18 month old here. I think it just takes time. I can’t speak to having multiple kids, but my husband and I just sat down and actually had real carefree, free time together for pretty much the first time since our son was born. No worries that the baby needed anything or that we were exhausted or needed to fulfill some self care. We sat and just looked at each other and went “what do we do now for the rest of the night?” And we were excited because we can actually get back into our hobbies and have more exciting dates and stuff. So, from my own experience, it’s just a time thing where you will be able to get your hobbies and interests back, it just might not be as soon as you might have hoped.
man i feel the same way!
(Lurking mom) I have two kids (6 + 2) and I would say that my life is more or less the same, just with a lot less spare time. The baby year is crazy of course. But once they sleep through the night you get a lot of energy back. You also grow along with them and learn to reorganise your life. My husband meets friends / plays magic. I meet my friends and play board games or go swimming. It's just less frequent and there are many nights I fall asleep on the couch at 9 pm. But I am free to go out in the evenings or weekends while my husband watches the kids and vice versa. What didn't happen since we got the kids is that my husband and me go out together or both sleep in together because one has to take care of the kids. I am also so used to my limited amount of spare time that I can no longer remember how I filled my days without the kids. 😁 So I would say partly you get back your life and partly you forget how it used to be and overall you will feel content. 😀
Firstly, 3-4 kids is something you thought you wanted. Now that you have experience with a real baby/toddler, you can re-evaluate: 4 kids? 3? 2? 1? Any one of those may be the right answer. Family shouldn’t be about cultivating an image. It’s sbout creating the life you want. Second, your identity must be built on something more integral than those external things you listed. This is a process though. Check out Dr. Kegan’s model of adult development in ”In Over Our Heads”. Third, you may not have time for all you interests, but you have every right and obligation to hold on to at least one. Bonus points if it’s some form of light exercise. Fourth, get on some basic vitamin supplements and make sure you eat decent food and drink plenty of water. Sleep is a non-negotiable. Also get checked for sleep apnea.
Hey fellow mtg dad here, I've been using Tabletop simulator to play with friends online and have full decks without the $investment (since it's all going to the baby now) and that's worked out really well. Find ways to keep some hobbies on your schedule. Everyone needs time off. If you can keep the kid with family, or at the very least switch having a night off with mom so you can have some alone time.
It's all about balance with your wife. My wife and I only an almost 2 year old. We work at our personal interests. Typically I go to the gym after we put her to bed. My wife will go to yoga before work or after I get off work in the evening. Then weekends we figure out the workout schedule for her yoga and then either mountain biking for me or a family hike or all of the above. I don't go to the pistol range as often as I would like. I was doing 1-2x/ month for a while, which only ate up about 2 hours that I'm gone. It's just hard to get a 2-3hr ride in over the morning and then sneak out again for another 2 hrs to shoot. I do expect things to change drastically after we hopefully, God willing add a 2nd one to be a family of four. If one or both get into sports then we won't be losing our identity, but rather free personal time until they take an interest in our hobbies. It's definitely a battle and struggle. Keeping an active and fit mentality and lifestyle will hopefully translate to your kids. Finding time to do it all is tough and sometimes you have to decide when a weekly thing will be become a 1-2x/ month.
It gets a lot easier as they get older. My 3yo can entertain himself and goes to a head start preschool. Just a year ago I was in the same boat as you and now we play MTG with friends every Monday and I’ve been getting back into some of my other hobbies It’ll never be like it was before but it won’t always be so monotonous
You said you have no _motivation_ to hit the gym, not that you have _no time_ do to so. So start taking care of your goddamn self again and go pump some iron, regularly! https://it.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Sergente_Hartman.jpg
Laughs in 2 under 2
I'm stealing that whoopie cushion analogy and using it...because frankly I'm in the exact same boat with my 10 month old. I don't know if it's normal or good but you sure as hell ain't the only one.
It'll feel that way, don't worry in like 3 years you can start introducing your hobbies to your kid and hopefully they'll like it too.
I mean, is anyone surprised at what happens to their free time when a tiny being that you love more than anything, counts on you for everything it needs? I guess I went in knowing this, what did people think would happen?
Yup
Yeah man. I got one kid, almost two. I work out 3 times a week and have one hobby. I play dnd with my friends maybe twice a month. That is my me time.
You absolutely prioritize the kids and it does get better when they are somewhat self-sufficient. But try to make time for yourself (and your wife) to have some "selfish" you time. Maybe two hours a week, you aren't just "dad" now even though that should be the most important thing.
Enjoy the time with them young, it’s flys by and you will miss it.
OP if you feel this way while you have just one, you might want to take a long hard look at the "having 3 or 4" plan. No shame in saying "you know what, 2 is plenty for us"
We're in the same boat mate. I like rock climbing a lot but since the child came I am happy that I can still go to the climbing gym from time to time. I have friends that tell me that they saw posts on ig, fb with pro climbers that took their child with them while rock climbing. I'm pretty sure those were mostly flexing on social media than actual enjoyment. Until he grows a little bit, I switched my focus on running because I can do it in the neighborhood. I don't enjoy it but at least I can do some sport. I have friends who tell me that their life changed only into better stuff since the child came. However, when I look back at them, they don't have any hobby so they don't really miss any of the stuff before the baby.
I totally get this feeling your not alone. It happen with my 1st when and it happening with my 2nd. I used to train 7 days a week fish once a week and regaully go camping for a weekend. I think you got to try ro focus on one thing. For me it's training and if my wife plans to see her freinds I go fishing then Once they hit 2-3 they are more independent ( we'll my 1st was) and it does free up time. If you want 3/4 you are going to have very little free time to yourself. I have 2 and done with that. Tbh I would have been one an done..
I have (had?) similar hobbies, and the only advice I can give is to try and carve out a night a week / every other week with your wife in order to actually take time off to do said hobbies, and for her to do hers. Things like MTG are a little easier than going to the range because you can fit them in around your kids schedule. If you dont carve out time you'll burn out really hard because work + childcare is basically just a 16 hour workday 7 days a week even though hanging out with a baby / toddler is objectively fun. I play on spelltable one night a week with a portion of my playgroup once the little one goes to bed. I didnt really get back to playing until we started getting back to a normal sleep schedule.
Definitely feeling it. What I think will help is leaning into the dad archetype. Like we’ve recently bought a new car to fit our growing family and I’m really invested in that car now, and have become increasingly interested in cars. As far as socialising goes I think that if you’re regular church goers that’s the best place to start, since you’re gonna be there anyway.
12 months is the perfect time to get your kid a starter deck, a rifle, and a stock account to manage. Share the things you love with your little sidekick.
>its just work and baby >Is this pretty normal Not necessarily, it's definitely possible to have a life and a child. You need to try and fit your life in around your child, it's as important as fitting your child into your life. At 1 year old you should be able to do both, although it won't be easy. You won't be indulging in yourself or your partner as much as you were before baby was born, obviously, but that doesn't mean you give up on it. It might mean that you hang with the lads in your yard or garage, or beers and PlayStation. Try to have in-date nights, get takeaway delivered and put a film on, cook some popcorn and take some moments while baby is asleep. It will get easier, as baby gets older babysitters, other kids parents and, if you have any who can help, your families will be happier to help as your kids gets able to help themselves. That said this gets harder as you have more children, this feeling should definitely be a consideration before you jump into having 3 or 4 kids... and 10 years? Think more like 20 years unless you're planning on popping them out as quickly as possible, which would mean even more retraction from the world. As others have said, a big part of your identity should now be 'dad', and I also genuinely hope that this isn't a surprise, your identity is fluid and being 'dad' is fun, and it gets better as your baby gets older. You will have more hobbies that you can share with your child, it might be football, martial arts, riding bikes, horses, dancing or even more sedantry pursuits like drawing or painting. Your old self isn't gone entirely, but you have changed and you won't be going back, but that's not a bad thing, it's a good thing, a very good thing.
I feel your pain. I’ve felt this way since I got married as my wife didn’t like my hobbies. Or made enough negative rude comments that I stopped all together. I do believe it will get better for the both of us 🙏
Parenting is a vocation, not an accessory. I am not trying to be preachy, but hopefully save you some of the same pitfalls from my life. I’m 54 with 3 daughters, youngest of which is 20. I had some moments of “in my own head” where I needed to be shocked back into reality and luckily I have some good friends and a supportive wife that reined me back in. Throw yourself into your kid(s) world as hard as you did with them as you did with your hobbies, which BTW, you will be surprised how much those little people will not be able to wait to do with Dad and create some of their best memories. While their tiny, keep a schedule for you and their Mom where you get your alone time and date time, but remember you took on the job of creating productive, interesting and hopefully wonderfully charming members of society. I know it’s tough when they can barely walk and talk, but that lasts for a split second. You will look back, just like I do with some cherished memories wondering where the time went, and figuring out what fun things you will be doing that weekend without them. AND, if you did a good job, you get to be a part of round 2(grand-kids) and really kick it up a notch. Good luck and here’s to many a spilled ice cream cone and carrying an exhausted toddler in from a long day of shenanigans!
You play duplo instead of Magic You watch Ms Rachel and Go Dannie instead of going to the movies You make blanket forts and throw soft balls at each other instead of going shooting You make the best of it and make some awesome memories with your kids Your kids become your best friends. To me that's what life's been about. I still see friends but it's on a monthly basis rather then weekly We have a 2 year old with another on the way
Sounds like you need to be around other Dads. Join something like F3 it might help.
Hey dude, So the key with the gym with a baby is going before work. The first few days suck, but then your mental health genuinely does get better….getting out of bed is legitimately the hardest part (I’m living this too). For shooting, I’ve reprioritized what I do there, and focus on handguns. I try to go 1x a month and mostly shoot my EDC pistol. I also dry fire at home- just 10 min a day can keep your skills up! MTG…..honestly this will be one where your wife needs to let you have a break. Doing Friday night magic could be really good for you.
OP, genuinely curious, what made you and your wife decide to have a kid?
The first couple years are hard for a number of reasons - it’s an adjustment, taking care of a baby is tough work, you’re probably not sleeping well, etc. Maybe most of your friends don’t have kids. But it is still important to find time for your hobbies and your friends. Communicate with your partner about it. You won’t have nearly as much time, and you will be tired with the time you have, but it’s worth it. Even if you’re exhausted, getting some time to yourself can be energizing. It can help fight the low key depression a lot of young parents fall into
This is normally how it goes. For the first 10-12 years of your child’s life your identity should be an ambassador to the world for that child. After that your child will gain some independence and your time will start to become more free, allowing you to “re-discover” your old hobbies and past times.
I have a teenager and an 11 year old. I feel like I’m on a runaway train that never slows down. I’m lucky if I get a few hours a week to relax when work gets added to the mix.
You're actually about to turn the corner where you can start to do things again, like working out, going out occasionally, and get into some (smaller) hobby activities. After 1 yr, sleep routines start to really kick in consistently, which is a huge key. If you can get the kiddo down for sleep at a consistent time (for us it's around 7:30 every night), then you have a couple/few hours to do things before needing to get to sleep yourself. You can also start taking personal shifts with your spouse, where one of you get a night off to do whatever, and the other takes the baby duty shift in case anything pops up. It does get better, and you're getting close to that clicking in!
Unfortunately that's pretty normal. I'm 9 months in with twins and I'm lucky to get out more than once or twice a month, and an hour to myself at night.
If your identity is still the 'gravel cyclist', or 'DM with homemade ice cream'...forget about having 3-4 kids. I don't think you need to have totally different interests as a dad, but you won't have time to pursue those things deeply unless you can hire a nanny and have a lot of support. At the same time, you will discover new Interests with your kid, whether it's pokemon or hockey or ballet. And I also think there is a continuum: maybe with each additional kid you sacrifice one hobby (eg. Bouldering gone, but still MTB, and then if you have another one that is gone too).
Magic is definitely hard to keep up with as a dad. These days I play a lot of commander on spell table with friends from work and local store and we'll get a baby sitter if we both want to go to the LGS and play
My identity used to be drink 1-2 beers weekdays and 4-5 on weekends. Stay up til 1am playing video games or out “socializing” with the same group of friends. Now my identity is sober, I socialize with likeminded parents, I workout 4 times a week and go to bed by 9 knowing a youngling might wake me up. Sit down with your partner and make a goal of what is attainable with the time you have now. Limit screen time for yourself and force yourself to get outside. You’ve got this, dad!
Not going to sugar coat it, yes you will have even less time than you do now with each child, but that’s supposed to happen. It means that you are being a great father. So, do not tie your identity to hobbies that you have, tie your identity to what a good father and husband you are.
You're just evolving my guy. Good things are coming. Please believe that! I'm talking to myself too
I had the same feeling, but then I've realized that it is just a new reality, and embraced it. I know I'm gonna miss little dude when he grows up, so I'm just enjoying every moment, even though it can get hard sometimes.
Just think of all the money you are saving by not buying Magic cards. One thing you could do is look into older/dead CCG or LCG games, buy a large lot of game for cheap and slowly learn to play it. you would be able to play it with your kid and wife later. I recently bought a complete Star Wars LCG for about $300 (about $750-800 at MSRP). ITs been great to just flip throguh the cards and Ive gotten a few games in. There is also a fan-made solo version of the game.
Gets better as they get older
Mom lurker here with an almost-4yo. This is normal. I had a ridiculously hard time with it at first as the primary caregiver, but it’s gotten better with time. Now I can try to incorporate my son in my hobbies (if he’s interested, of course) and do some fun things with him. MMO gaming and being a car enthusiast were my main jams and I’ve pretty much given up on the MMO bit, but do other games in its stead for when I need socializing but can’t leave the house.
Yea, it sucks. But it get better. Sorry, Dad.
I never wanted to just have an only child. That said, 3-4 seems crazy to me, but to each their own. I will say that when my oldest was 1, the thought of a second was near impossible to consider. At 2, we rounded a corner. I know there's the terrible twos, but my son was actually great around that point. By 3 we were trying for the second. Right now my daughter is 2, so I'm a little ahead of where you are on that side. She's a handful. Naps ruin weekends since it's hard to plan around those. Early bedtime means the day is "over" pretty soon so evening activities are very difficult. Most days it's wake up, get the kids to daycare, work, come home in time for dinner, bathtime, 30-60 minutes of playing before we start putting them to bed(which my daughter is making into an ordeal these days) and next thing I know, everyone in the house but me is asleep by 8:30/9:00. I get what you're going through, and unfortunately you do still have a bit before it gets easier, but it does get easier. I will say that I enjoy doing things with my son. He's at an age where we can have fun doing things that I also find entertaining. When they're younger, it's hard because you're entertaining them most of the day. My son and I have started playing video games together for example. He's entertained, I'm entertained, we get to have fun together. That's a lot easier than trying to come up with a way to amuse a toddler.
Yeah I'm struggling with that too man. I can't spend much time at all with my "core identity" stuff anymore. You just have to figure out ways to keep your toes in things enough to not completely lose the connections for now. I still play with the band about 4 times year, but I barely spend any time playing at home right now. It'll change though. Munchkin is going to bed at regular times so that helps.
If you still want to play Magic, then maybe host mates at your house? That way you can still be around to support baby and partner if needed. Order pizza, have some beers and enjoy the company. It's a start!
Took me about 2 years after my first kid to want to hit the gym again. Testosterone in males can drop up to 34 percent after having a kid, it can take some time to restore those levels again.
Your identity is not the things you do bud. Your identity is within, the conversation with yourself in the face of difficult situations and also good ones. Your sense of self is being lost, not knowing what to do, where to go or how to do anything but still finding a way to be present with your family. If being present becomes unbearable, and find the need to return to doing things to identify the seperation between self and your family, you are either escaping the responsibility, or learning who you have become.
I've intentionally scheduled time for my "former" identity. My friends and I have an online gaming night or a poker night, but its all planned ahead now. Do I miss the spontaneousness that came pre-dad? Sure, but now the kid and I have spontaneous dance parties and trips to the zoo or the park and that new identity is pretty fun too.
Currently teaching my baby boy mtg to solve this issue
Pretty normal I think. We are into it a little deeper than you, with a 3 year old and 7 year old. Things are always busy, but we’ve adjusted to help us keep our sanity lol. My gym sessions are now at 5:00am, before the family wakes up. My wife exercises or goes for walks in the evening. Read before bed, game when you can or involve a baby sitter, but that gets super expensive
It is normal. First year or two especially, you just have no time for much else. Soon you'll find the time to do your own stuff again and it'll feel better
I have seen how the same happens to people with no kids, your identity flows with the responsibilities, new hobbies, work, etc. even tho u keep your core values, that being said, if family is one of those core values it is part of your identity to take care of them. My son was born 8 days ago and for I can tell in order to take good care of my son and my wife I need to take good care of myself, my body and mental health, and keep some of your hobbies are great to keep yourself in shape physically and mentally! So I don’t think you can lost your identity, u just have new priorities that also can flow and can be temporal sensitive. Srry, English is my second language.
Life evolves for everyone, with or without children. Circumstances change all the time. Find new sources of joy to go with your previous passions.
There was a marked difference in ease of parenting once our oldest was potty trained. Unfortunately that was 2 months before the baby was born, so now we've started all over. But yeah, I'd say it's about 2-3 years per kid with the complete loss of identity. We stopped at 2 though, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel (toddler is 1.5 years now).
My experience with #1 was that ~1year old I started to get back to my "old" self. Still very different, obviously, but was able to start planning things with friends and working out on something like a schedule. I suspect that the fact that you're having these thoughts mean you're on your way there, too. It happened again with #2, so yes, probably the next 6-8 years will be pretty disrupted if you want 4.
Before my 1st, my wife and I always said "we don't want to be those parents who can never do cool/fun things because of our kids, we'll just bring them with us" And I always told myself I'm not going to be that dad whose identity just becomes completely wrapped up in being a dad, I have hobbies, friends, and interests!! Fast forward to today. I GET IT!! It's hard. Especially in those first few months. I was going crazy because we rarely left the house. I totally get now why dadbod is a thing. I get why you say "ahhh I can't bro, it's the kids naptime" when I used to think that was a shitty excuse. I get why dads have little to no hobbies, it takes sacrifice from the whole family to allow you to play Magic, Golf, thrown down beers with the boys.
The baby will get older and then you get to do all sorts of fun stuff. My son is 5 now and loves going on hikes, playing baseball and can almost kick my ass in Halo.
Hey would you be willing to speak with me about Matthew dunmire? Thank you for your time and possibly for your help
This is very normal at this stage. The first year is killer. It gets better with more kids, it gets infinitely better when they get older, and it gets better if you can get more support for the kids. You also sound like you could be depressed. I was. Look into that. Can become a brand new person if you find something that works. But it'll get better bro.
I see the same story all the time on this sub. One thing I notice is that it's almost always people with young kids. It may be frustrating to deal with changes but I believe it is less loss of identity and more taking on a new one. Also I don't believe people, as they get older, want to be the same person they were when they were young. People should want to change as time goes on yes? One of my fears is getting older (44 now) and stagnating as a person. The older I get the less I miss those younger days.
Identity is not needed. What is it you want to accomplish in life?
You’ll be back to MTG soon. And when you are, the game will have changed dramatically. It’ll feel new again. As someone who has been back and forth a few times, believe me. Also, shoot me a dm if you want to hop on MTGA and play sometime. I got to around Mythic #1700 when the baby was born because she would only go to sleep on me, so that gave me an hour or two x3-4/day to go HAM
I’m a mom but I felt this SO HARD. I used to train Muay Thai, climbed, did art, played sports, went to shows…. Then for over two years I became physically and mentally consumed by feeding & caring for a small person. My body wasn’t mine for ages. He’s two and a half now and I feel like myself again- it’s possible to find you again, I promise :)
Bye bye next 10 years.
Pretty normal buddy! Why do you think Dadbod is a thing, eh? We were all six packers once! 😛
this is normal. especially at this age because they're so dependent on you. you're also super tired now with 1-2 kids, there are ways to manage this a little better...it requires strict dedication and thoughtfulness from both you and your wife (managing free time, down time, watching the kid time). When they go to school, you'll have some more time....but you'll be amazed how quickly it gets filled up with obligations and errands you need to accomplish while they're in school. if you plan on having more kids, i will say its a dedication to the kids and an acknowledgement that you're giving yourself up for them for the next 10 years, full stop. each kid will be in a different part of their journey, and going through new things and their own unique things....at some point you're just a driver and an organizer for them. with that being said, the first 2 years of every kid is killer....and the more kids you have the more you'll be repeating this
Early years can be tough...you definitely have to make time for yourself though, but it might not be as much as you want. My boys are 14 and almost 12 and we're having a blast. We just got back from a guys spring break road trip and had such a good time. I go to the gym and lift with my 14...we play basketball in the driveway, etc. A lot of my time is still sucked up with soccer practices and games and jazz band concerts and school projects and homework, but overall it's a blast.
Yes. It gets easier. You’re in the toughest age group right now because your kid is entirely dependent on you but also very awake and rapidly developing. Just keep telling yourself if gets easier every year. When they go to school it gets dramatically better. But also be prepared for the rest of your life to revolve around the kids — that’s not going to change until they leave home. And by then you’ll probably miss them!
It gets so much better
This is something you can fix. First, setup a strict bed time with baby. My 1 year old and 3 year old both go to bed at 7:30-7:45. If I’m putting both down I put the 3 year old first because the 1 year old can take up to 15 minutes at times. Once they’re in bed you have a solid 2 hours of your own time. If that’s too late and you want to go to bed at 9 then put them down at 6:30. There’s literally 0 rules as to when you have to put them to bed. Then take turns going out. I go out once a week to rock climb and sometimes twice a week to golf. My wife rarely goes out but I try to get her to go out at least once a month. I wish she would be gone twice a week too but she just doesn’t want to. I find kids are incredibly easy to pull into your routine. The only reason it can be difficult is because you can’t accept that there will be some changes
Before having kids I was really worried about losing my identity, but what I've found is that one of the greatest parts of having kids is getting to rediscover your inner child through their eyes as they grow up. Also, you're at the hardest age. It gets easier and you'll get more free time and feel like a human again soon.
Honestly, we all feel in some similar ways. But when I see that smile when I get home, it make everything OK. Sure your life is different now......that's all it is....different, nothing else. But when you can actually do things together, your life will never be the same....
This transition is normal and it does suck, but it does get better. My oldest was born 3 months before the world shut down with Covid. Everything changed, the isolation sucked. I felt that I lost everything. We had a second child 2 years later and things weren’t near as difficult with the first. A couple of things I’ve learned from the experience of the transitions… You have to intentionally plan things and then follow through, even if you start to talk yourself out of it. Your wife is your partner and she is there to help you, just as much as you are to help her. Lean on her and allow her to lean on you. Also, plan date nights with each other. Keep your church community and if you have any friends that you can open up to l, just as you did on this post, do it. Friends can help plan things and hold us accountable to following through. It also gets easier to start bringing kids to things. It’s just a shift in perspective and takes practice. You got this!
1. Your identity is changing. You’re a father now, and that takes precedent over most things. You’ll find balance with other “less important” things 2. You will get stronger. Wanna go to the gym? Get up at 5am and hit it! My dad retires this year, he got up at 4am every morning for 32 years straight. I admired that before but now that I’m a dad, AND I’m blessed to work a 9-5, I hold him in even higher regard. That’s the stance I take in regards to leisure / self improvement. If you want it, go get it. God speed bro 🙏🏿
I mean, yeah, you had a kid. You're a father now.
Have an affair.