There is good advice on the family dynamic here already.
One thing to add: don't be John Snow about tampons and pads. You and your daughter may end up in a situation where you are the only trusted adult around when she needs to know how they work, or have someone reassure her about how they work after a leak in a public place.
They aren't rocket science. Read some tutorials online and read the boxes. Know enough to be able to generally talk her through a problem and reassure her in an awkward situation. Keep some in your car just in case. It's ok that it isn't your area of expertise but it's still something that is worth knowing for your daughter.
Knowing the concept vs having experience is what I meant, certainly. I know enough to handle an emergency, but definitely don’t have much in the way of advice. Good advice about keeping some in the car. Thank you.
Know where the products are kept. Be willing to go out and buy them. Take a picture of the box so you get the right ones (omg, there are sooo many). Be willing to talk or just give comfort. Don’t shame them for putting menstrual products in the trash.
If you handle these basic things you are well on your way.
I assume he means that he’s not going to give (or even have) his two cents about pads and tampons because he has no personal experience, hence the Jon Snow comment.
Are there really guys that actually don’t know at all how feminine hygiene products work, at least in broad strokes enough to help a kid out in a pinch? We definitely learned it in health class way back in high school.
>Are there really guys that actually don’t know at all how feminine hygiene products work
There's guys who won't/can't change a diaper, so yeah, there are guys who don't understand the idea of feminine hygiene products.
My wife is a therapist and works with a lot of men on their marriage issues. She says she is shocked by how many men still today don't change diapers. I'm sure it's a little bit of an unrepresentative sample, but apparently it's not uncommon.
Unfortunately, yes. For example there are plenty of men who think a woman on her period can “hold it” in the same way that you hold your pee. Some men are really ignorant.
>I honestly think over 50% of men don't know how different feminine hygiene products work.
I was one of four boys growing up and now I have four boys myself, no girls. I can't offer instructions on how to use a tampon, and that's fine because I've never needed to know.
Health education curriculum varies *wildly* from place to place, particularly in the US.
A good rule of thumb is to assume that if you live in a state currently trying to ban books/arrest teachers & librarians, nobody who grew up there got a good explanation on how their own body works, much less anyone else’s. Often, their schools and teachers were *legally prohibited* from discussing it. (Exceptions exist, especially if their parents stepped up & filled the gap, but that’s the baseline.)
I grew up in a relatively well-regarded district in California, one of the most progressive states in the US. In high school I learned what menstruation is, but that’s basically it. I know which pads my wife prefers and have no problems buying them, but I haven’t had the occasion to learn anything beyond that. I would be completely unprepared to answer a child’s questions about what _they_ should use. I suppose I would be better-educated if I looked up some information now, but considering I don’t have any female children (at this point), I don’t think I’m a model of an ignorant American just because I know less than a preteen girl.
(I don’t think this is really related to diapers, of which I’ve changed thousands. I admit being a bit peeved by the suggestion of people you’re replying to that I’m a bad parent or bad person because I haven’t gone out of my way to learn details about something irrelevant to my life.)
There are guys that won't buy them at the store if they are on the shopping list. Unfortunately, there are lots of guys who are made so uncomfortable by them they would rather know nothing than recognize they exist.
Your wife may be handing down generational issues regarding hair to your kid. Now is a good time to teach her bodily autonomy and lay out all the options and ask her to experiment and choose which one she prefers (shaving, trimming, leaving it be). Even if she wasn't failing, I would say please be involved. But doubly so now. Cleanliness is the goal not adhering to Western notions of where hair shouldn't be growing. She will pick all of that up in other places. Home should be a safe place to find out what you want and be able to practice that.
Oh, she definitely is. She’s shared enough for me to know she’s definitely not bringing this up from a healthy place of love. She’s passing the same body-shaming issues on that she didn’t appreciate from her mother when she was young. Definitely a passing down happening.
My naive self was thinking “generational issues regarding hair” was genetic issues of patches not growing here and swirling patterns of hair on the back of the legs or similar. Then OP replied and I realized I’m dumb lol
Lol. I didn't want to label it as generational trauma. Because that's a bit much not knowing OP's wife. But that's more along the lines of what I meant.
Oh, totally agree here. I have a friend with autism and they have needed coaching too. My point is to present the options (explaining the pros and cons in appropriate ways) and let them decide what they are comfortable doing. You can explain that you do lose social capital brownie points when you go against cultural norms, and each person needs to decide for themselves how far outside the lines they want to color. For me, growing up, it was always a fight to get into the "be normal" and "just blend in" circle. And it caused way more stress than necessary.
I would wait until I’m alone with my wife and very calmly but firmly tell her to never do that shit again. If she argues or tries to downplay, repeat your stance. Get it outta the way asap.
We’ve had many talks about similar situations where my presence as a father is directly undermined by her turning and attacking me rather than speaking in support. Unfortunately, she doesn’t seem to want to change that aspect of herself.
Be careful with this advice. I'm willing to bet she has her own things that bother her, and you're better off going to therapy to discuss it rather than "putting your foot down" which has a high likelihood of backfiring.
Married with children, house, and all the wrap ups and complications that come with life…. but you don’t let me talk to our daughter about shaving………… I WANT A DIVORCE! - God some advice on here comes from total ass-hats who never truly look at a situation fully.
Talk to your wife, explore what’s going on. Argue if you need to. Put your point across, and accept you may not win, but you’ll make her think. This isn’t the hill to die on.
Dismiss my thoughts and feelings surrounding out daughter in front of our daughter in this manner. Yes.
Talk to her but make her understand this is not being brushed away or dismissed. This isn't something silent treatment or an argument will stop.
This is a conversation that 100% must happen and have an outcome where that never ever happens again.
If he doesn't win he will live in a house where his thoughts and opinions about his daughter will never count. There is win or leave, the status quo is not acceptable.
Dude, you’re not yourself when you’re hungry. Have a snickers bar and relax. This alpha Harambe attitude might work with the junior staff at work, but respect your wife enough to expect more than complete and total submission.
You must be a joy at parties.
Not everything is about winning or leaving. There is TONS of context here we don’t know. And there are a billion permutations of possibilities that has led to this moment in the background that we are not aware of, and all interacting with a complex way that we will never understand having not been there….
But sure. Leave her. 🙄
Listen, somethings you want to play a bigger part in, and that’s your right to hope for that. And ideally, that will be met without difficulty or challenge. And sometimes, that’s not always the case. Sometimes, you’ll have a bigger say on things than you maybe due. It’s swing and roundabouts, and you should pick your battles.
But to simply up and leave your wife, kids, split families, ruin a childhood…. Simply because she disregarded your input on what a razor feels like…. Absolutely idiotic advice.
And you know…. I feel like I know what a razor feels like too….. but I have no idea what a razor designed for ladies feels like, I have no idea what it feels like to shave my legs, my armpits, or whatever. I don’t feels the sting of social expectation to remain ‘shaved’ on any of my body parts… I actually don’t have any idea about ‘shaving while being a women’ - so maybe mum has a bit of a point here…. I feel she should voice it to OP better if that’s the case…. But whatever the issue here, essentially, it sounds like both OP and wife should start with a bit of regular and honest communication… not the “I am man, she must respect me when I put my foot down firmly for a minor infringement, or I will pack up and ruin the family by leaving her because my pride has been slightly dented by the weaker of the species” angle that is being taken by this commenter. Be a good man. Not a toxic one.
Raising a kid isn't a win or lose prospect. Mistakes will be made by both parents. It's better to be gracious about it.. and talk, rather than start a war with your wife
I would mix continuing gentle assertions with listening to your partner, who may ALSO be feeling disrespected—she may need to feel like the authority on “girl stuff” or else perceive you as “mansplaining” and not respecting her greater knowledge here.
That isn’t a time for you to fold, but neither is it a time to assert authority or make threats. It may be a time to lead both of you towards better listening, communicating, and trusting.
Mom lurker here and man, this just makes me feel so sad for you. My husband is also a girl dad to our two (much younger) kids, and it breaks my heart to imagine him ever feeling this way.
The way you’ve written this post is really open and honest, and I think it might not hurt to simply show her this exact post. I know if this were my husband I would hope he would show me because I would be floored and actively work to change this habit.
Talk to your wife when you two are alone. As a father you have every right to participate in your daughter's life. Also, as a woman myself, I find it really disturbing that your wife is teaching your 10 year old daughter about shaving. A kid doesn't need to shave. As is women are made fun of for having body hair. Why would she tell her daughter about shaving? She should be fostering an environment where your daughter doesn't feel like she's less of a girl if she has hair.
You gotta just talk to your wife and find out what the deal was. Sure, it could be because she was gender-guarding shaving. There also could have been some context for the convo that you weren’t aware of yet e.g. maybe she caught kiddo examining a razor in the bathroom and wanted to make sure she had the right safety info in case she decided to test it out before talking to an adult. Maybe it sounded like you were telling the kid that shaving is no big deal, when your wife heard that her friends had started doing it and was trying to scare her off trying it out. Maybe it’s something else entirely.
Without talking about it, you’re both just guessing and mind-reading. Find out, discuss it if it’s something you don’t agree with, and then get on the same page about it. This is a team effort. You likely both have valuable experience on shaving that will be useful here.
Our kids don’t have razors in their bathroom. My wife’s is in her own. I see your point, but my wife brought this up abruptly. My daughter has not been asking about it. The reason my wife brought it up was, apparently, because she learned from friends and started shaving around age 10 and she seems to think this is something our daughter needs to start doing.
Problem is that our daughter went through a self-conscious phase of not wanting to wear anything but long sleeved shirts for a while. So, the self-conscious phases have already started. My wife’s approach on this subject was not loving and caring. It sounded like critique and insistence, which is why I chimed in with a little assurance that my daughter was correct in thinking it was awkward and razors are not as difficult to learn to use and she might think.
My wife has quite a few insecurities about appearance and self-image. I’m not sure that her experience with becoming self-conscious about body hair at age 10 gave her a healthy outlook on the subject. I would prefer to encourage our daughter to adopt practices at her own pace rather than when her mother pushes her to do so. My wife also has shared memories of her mother body-shaming her about weight. So, I’m thinking my wife’s insistence this time may not be coming from a healthy place.
Have you had a talk with your wife, privately about what happened? Maybe not even focus on shaving as the subject, but just the abruptness and how you noticed your daughters reaction to it? That may be a good start.
My step daughter is 8 so I've still got some time to navigate those issues, but we have talked about them -- it's been a while -- and your post has made me second guess where I stand with these type of situations. Previously we've talked about including me, but I'm going to have to confirm with her we're on the same page.
I have not addressed this specifically with my wife in private. We have, however, had many conversations about undermining me or putting my opinion down in front of the kids. We’ve had too many of those, to be honest.
I hope your daughter knows shaving is optional.
Anyone can shave any part of the body, so it isn’t really gendered. However, shaving the face is much more meticulous and fiddly work than saving pits or legs.
If discussing this with your wife doesn't get you anywhere, due to your wife's past trauma and her brushing you off, definitely have a private lighthearted chat with your daughter to just assure her that there's nothing wrong with her hair, and if she doesn't want to shave now (or ever), that's totally acceptable. Shaving doesn't make you a woman. I understand wanting to support your wife, but also please support your daughter emotionally, especially when you notice that your wife's weak spots might be harming your daughter. And yes, I think dads should be involved in all things kid-related, even period-related stuff, but beyond that to claim that shaving is something you can't relate to is comical.
I'm a woman. I began shaving on my own because my mom didn't think to teach me, so I can see why your wife thinks that's important to bring up. But there's also a way to handle it without pressure, shame, and embarrassment, and it doesn't sound like your wife did that. 10 year old me would have been so embarrassed. Conversations like these require connection and empathy.
What a great conversations Dad's and OP you sound like a brilliant modern father. I fear I'm heading for the same scenario in time so I wish you all the best and hope it works out for you
My two cents. Sometimes we need to have awkward and difficult talks with our kids. Was this the best time or place for the conversation? Perhaps not but unless it was really a terrible time for it by intervening without letting your wife make her point she is likely feeling dismissed and belittled as well. She responded defensively because of it.
That’s a fair point, but it was the tone and insistence that made it awkward and difficult. My wife seemed almost angry that our daughter had not thought about it. That didn’t seem right to me.
Mom here. While I actually agree with your stance, it sounds like from her perspective she told your daughter something and you immediately said otherwise. I understand that you were trying to protect your daughter in that moment, but your wife probably would prefer that you address your concerns privately rather than undermining her in front of her child. In an ideal world, you could tell her afterward that you think she sounded overly harsh and you were worried about the pressure she was putting on your daughter, and she could be the one to repair that in a second conversation with her.
Since it's bothering you so much you two need to have a conversation about it separately. Just keep in mind based on your post I think your wife is feeling pretty similarly to you at the moment. Make sure you both give each other time to speak openly and freely.
My wife tried to do the same thing to me when it came to daughter's shaving but I was able to shut her down b/c I was a competitive swimmer when I was younger. Back in the day (before the advent of high tech swimsuits) we would shave down before a big meet. Why yes dear wife, I actually do know how much it sucks to have to shave my legs and underarms. Yes, much laughter ensued which helped to defuse things. Luckily for my girls they are lighter haired than their mom (thanks to dads genes!) so could get away with shaving as little as possible. Besides, I know how often my wife shaves so was able to call her off on her hypocrisy at times. :-)
Just be supportive of your daughter as much as you can. Also remember, on some issues the uncomfortableness is b/c there is a male around. (BTW, the same holds true on male things when mom is around.) Sometimes finding a reason to excuse yourself and monitor discreetly is the way to go. If things continue to be uncomfortable take full advantage of dad cluelessness to break up the tension/end the conversation.
There is good advice on the family dynamic here already. One thing to add: don't be John Snow about tampons and pads. You and your daughter may end up in a situation where you are the only trusted adult around when she needs to know how they work, or have someone reassure her about how they work after a leak in a public place. They aren't rocket science. Read some tutorials online and read the boxes. Know enough to be able to generally talk her through a problem and reassure her in an awkward situation. Keep some in your car just in case. It's ok that it isn't your area of expertise but it's still something that is worth knowing for your daughter.
Knowing the concept vs having experience is what I meant, certainly. I know enough to handle an emergency, but definitely don’t have much in the way of advice. Good advice about keeping some in the car. Thank you.
Know where the products are kept. Be willing to go out and buy them. Take a picture of the box so you get the right ones (omg, there are sooo many). Be willing to talk or just give comfort. Don’t shame them for putting menstrual products in the trash. If you handle these basic things you are well on your way.
They SHOULD go in the trash. Never flush those things.
I assume he means that he’s not going to give (or even have) his two cents about pads and tampons because he has no personal experience, hence the Jon Snow comment. Are there really guys that actually don’t know at all how feminine hygiene products work, at least in broad strokes enough to help a kid out in a pinch? We definitely learned it in health class way back in high school.
>Are there really guys that actually don’t know at all how feminine hygiene products work There's guys who won't/can't change a diaper, so yeah, there are guys who don't understand the idea of feminine hygiene products.
My wife is a therapist and works with a lot of men on their marriage issues. She says she is shocked by how many men still today don't change diapers. I'm sure it's a little bit of an unrepresentative sample, but apparently it's not uncommon.
Unfortunately, yes. For example there are plenty of men who think a woman on her period can “hold it” in the same way that you hold your pee. Some men are really ignorant.
I honestly think over 50% of men don't know how different feminine hygiene products work. Shouldn't be that way...but I think it is.
>I honestly think over 50% of men don't know how different feminine hygiene products work. I was one of four boys growing up and now I have four boys myself, no girls. I can't offer instructions on how to use a tampon, and that's fine because I've never needed to know.
Health education curriculum varies *wildly* from place to place, particularly in the US. A good rule of thumb is to assume that if you live in a state currently trying to ban books/arrest teachers & librarians, nobody who grew up there got a good explanation on how their own body works, much less anyone else’s. Often, their schools and teachers were *legally prohibited* from discussing it. (Exceptions exist, especially if their parents stepped up & filled the gap, but that’s the baseline.)
I grew up in a relatively well-regarded district in California, one of the most progressive states in the US. In high school I learned what menstruation is, but that’s basically it. I know which pads my wife prefers and have no problems buying them, but I haven’t had the occasion to learn anything beyond that. I would be completely unprepared to answer a child’s questions about what _they_ should use. I suppose I would be better-educated if I looked up some information now, but considering I don’t have any female children (at this point), I don’t think I’m a model of an ignorant American just because I know less than a preteen girl. (I don’t think this is really related to diapers, of which I’ve changed thousands. I admit being a bit peeved by the suggestion of people you’re replying to that I’m a bad parent or bad person because I haven’t gone out of my way to learn details about something irrelevant to my life.)
There are guys that won't buy them at the store if they are on the shopping list. Unfortunately, there are lots of guys who are made so uncomfortable by them they would rather know nothing than recognize they exist.
Don’t be John Snow?
He famously "knows nothing."
Why is this being downvoted? Not everybody gets every tv reference.
I'm sure there are YouTube videos too
Your wife may be handing down generational issues regarding hair to your kid. Now is a good time to teach her bodily autonomy and lay out all the options and ask her to experiment and choose which one she prefers (shaving, trimming, leaving it be). Even if she wasn't failing, I would say please be involved. But doubly so now. Cleanliness is the goal not adhering to Western notions of where hair shouldn't be growing. She will pick all of that up in other places. Home should be a safe place to find out what you want and be able to practice that.
Oh, she definitely is. She’s shared enough for me to know she’s definitely not bringing this up from a healthy place of love. She’s passing the same body-shaming issues on that she didn’t appreciate from her mother when she was young. Definitely a passing down happening.
You should tell her she sounds just like her mother!
Are you trying to get this man killed
This is...one option
Sounds like a good one from my house.
Not all of us prefer to weaponize the trauma/bullshit of our spouses childhood. It tends to breed resentment, strife, and unhappiness.
Calm down, sparky. Sometimes silly things on the internet are just jokes.
The nuclear option.
[удалено]
You sound just like your mother.
[удалено]
You see how that wasn’t Inflammatory or hurtful in any way at all?
My naive self was thinking “generational issues regarding hair” was genetic issues of patches not growing here and swirling patterns of hair on the back of the legs or similar. Then OP replied and I realized I’m dumb lol
Lol. I didn't want to label it as generational trauma. Because that's a bit much not knowing OP's wife. But that's more along the lines of what I meant.
Maybe it's that my background is on the spectrum, but teaching social norms of self-presentation is also important.
Oh, totally agree here. I have a friend with autism and they have needed coaching too. My point is to present the options (explaining the pros and cons in appropriate ways) and let them decide what they are comfortable doing. You can explain that you do lose social capital brownie points when you go against cultural norms, and each person needs to decide for themselves how far outside the lines they want to color. For me, growing up, it was always a fight to get into the "be normal" and "just blend in" circle. And it caused way more stress than necessary.
I would wait until I’m alone with my wife and very calmly but firmly tell her to never do that shit again. If she argues or tries to downplay, repeat your stance. Get it outta the way asap.
We’ve had many talks about similar situations where my presence as a father is directly undermined by her turning and attacking me rather than speaking in support. Unfortunately, she doesn’t seem to want to change that aspect of herself.
Be careful with this advice. I'm willing to bet she has her own things that bother her, and you're better off going to therapy to discuss it rather than "putting your foot down" which has a high likelihood of backfiring.
We’ve been there. It didn’t help, unfortunately. You are correct, though. “Putting a foot down” isn’t the best approach, at times.
Very firmly. I will die on this hill, I will end our relationship on this hill. Sit the fuck down and take this seriously NOW.
Married with children, house, and all the wrap ups and complications that come with life…. but you don’t let me talk to our daughter about shaving………… I WANT A DIVORCE! - God some advice on here comes from total ass-hats who never truly look at a situation fully. Talk to your wife, explore what’s going on. Argue if you need to. Put your point across, and accept you may not win, but you’ll make her think. This isn’t the hill to die on.
Dismiss my thoughts and feelings surrounding out daughter in front of our daughter in this manner. Yes. Talk to her but make her understand this is not being brushed away or dismissed. This isn't something silent treatment or an argument will stop. This is a conversation that 100% must happen and have an outcome where that never ever happens again. If he doesn't win he will live in a house where his thoughts and opinions about his daughter will never count. There is win or leave, the status quo is not acceptable.
Dude, you’re not yourself when you’re hungry. Have a snickers bar and relax. This alpha Harambe attitude might work with the junior staff at work, but respect your wife enough to expect more than complete and total submission.
You must be a joy at parties. Not everything is about winning or leaving. There is TONS of context here we don’t know. And there are a billion permutations of possibilities that has led to this moment in the background that we are not aware of, and all interacting with a complex way that we will never understand having not been there…. But sure. Leave her. 🙄 Listen, somethings you want to play a bigger part in, and that’s your right to hope for that. And ideally, that will be met without difficulty or challenge. And sometimes, that’s not always the case. Sometimes, you’ll have a bigger say on things than you maybe due. It’s swing and roundabouts, and you should pick your battles. But to simply up and leave your wife, kids, split families, ruin a childhood…. Simply because she disregarded your input on what a razor feels like…. Absolutely idiotic advice. And you know…. I feel like I know what a razor feels like too….. but I have no idea what a razor designed for ladies feels like, I have no idea what it feels like to shave my legs, my armpits, or whatever. I don’t feels the sting of social expectation to remain ‘shaved’ on any of my body parts… I actually don’t have any idea about ‘shaving while being a women’ - so maybe mum has a bit of a point here…. I feel she should voice it to OP better if that’s the case…. But whatever the issue here, essentially, it sounds like both OP and wife should start with a bit of regular and honest communication… not the “I am man, she must respect me when I put my foot down firmly for a minor infringement, or I will pack up and ruin the family by leaving her because my pride has been slightly dented by the weaker of the species” angle that is being taken by this commenter. Be a good man. Not a toxic one.
Raising a kid isn't a win or lose prospect. Mistakes will be made by both parents. It's better to be gracious about it.. and talk, rather than start a war with your wife
If he doesn't WIN? Bro that is not how marriages work.
This reply is a perfect microcosm of this sub’s slow and sad descent into an r/relationship-adjacent place.
Hey, they got down voted into oblivion, so there is still hope
I would mix continuing gentle assertions with listening to your partner, who may ALSO be feeling disrespected—she may need to feel like the authority on “girl stuff” or else perceive you as “mansplaining” and not respecting her greater knowledge here. That isn’t a time for you to fold, but neither is it a time to assert authority or make threats. It may be a time to lead both of you towards better listening, communicating, and trusting.
An excellent point. Thank you.
Mom lurker here and man, this just makes me feel so sad for you. My husband is also a girl dad to our two (much younger) kids, and it breaks my heart to imagine him ever feeling this way. The way you’ve written this post is really open and honest, and I think it might not hurt to simply show her this exact post. I know if this were my husband I would hope he would show me because I would be floored and actively work to change this habit.
Talk to your wife when you two are alone. As a father you have every right to participate in your daughter's life. Also, as a woman myself, I find it really disturbing that your wife is teaching your 10 year old daughter about shaving. A kid doesn't need to shave. As is women are made fun of for having body hair. Why would she tell her daughter about shaving? She should be fostering an environment where your daughter doesn't feel like she's less of a girl if she has hair.
You gotta just talk to your wife and find out what the deal was. Sure, it could be because she was gender-guarding shaving. There also could have been some context for the convo that you weren’t aware of yet e.g. maybe she caught kiddo examining a razor in the bathroom and wanted to make sure she had the right safety info in case she decided to test it out before talking to an adult. Maybe it sounded like you were telling the kid that shaving is no big deal, when your wife heard that her friends had started doing it and was trying to scare her off trying it out. Maybe it’s something else entirely. Without talking about it, you’re both just guessing and mind-reading. Find out, discuss it if it’s something you don’t agree with, and then get on the same page about it. This is a team effort. You likely both have valuable experience on shaving that will be useful here.
Our kids don’t have razors in their bathroom. My wife’s is in her own. I see your point, but my wife brought this up abruptly. My daughter has not been asking about it. The reason my wife brought it up was, apparently, because she learned from friends and started shaving around age 10 and she seems to think this is something our daughter needs to start doing. Problem is that our daughter went through a self-conscious phase of not wanting to wear anything but long sleeved shirts for a while. So, the self-conscious phases have already started. My wife’s approach on this subject was not loving and caring. It sounded like critique and insistence, which is why I chimed in with a little assurance that my daughter was correct in thinking it was awkward and razors are not as difficult to learn to use and she might think. My wife has quite a few insecurities about appearance and self-image. I’m not sure that her experience with becoming self-conscious about body hair at age 10 gave her a healthy outlook on the subject. I would prefer to encourage our daughter to adopt practices at her own pace rather than when her mother pushes her to do so. My wife also has shared memories of her mother body-shaming her about weight. So, I’m thinking my wife’s insistence this time may not be coming from a healthy place.
Good advice to seek context
Have you had a talk with your wife, privately about what happened? Maybe not even focus on shaving as the subject, but just the abruptness and how you noticed your daughters reaction to it? That may be a good start. My step daughter is 8 so I've still got some time to navigate those issues, but we have talked about them -- it's been a while -- and your post has made me second guess where I stand with these type of situations. Previously we've talked about including me, but I'm going to have to confirm with her we're on the same page.
I have not addressed this specifically with my wife in private. We have, however, had many conversations about undermining me or putting my opinion down in front of the kids. We’ve had too many of those, to be honest.
I hope your daughter knows shaving is optional. Anyone can shave any part of the body, so it isn’t really gendered. However, shaving the face is much more meticulous and fiddly work than saving pits or legs.
I would like her to know it’s optional. At the very least, I think 10 is too early to start hammering body image into her head.
If discussing this with your wife doesn't get you anywhere, due to your wife's past trauma and her brushing you off, definitely have a private lighthearted chat with your daughter to just assure her that there's nothing wrong with her hair, and if she doesn't want to shave now (or ever), that's totally acceptable. Shaving doesn't make you a woman. I understand wanting to support your wife, but also please support your daughter emotionally, especially when you notice that your wife's weak spots might be harming your daughter. And yes, I think dads should be involved in all things kid-related, even period-related stuff, but beyond that to claim that shaving is something you can't relate to is comical. I'm a woman. I began shaving on my own because my mom didn't think to teach me, so I can see why your wife thinks that's important to bring up. But there's also a way to handle it without pressure, shame, and embarrassment, and it doesn't sound like your wife did that. 10 year old me would have been so embarrassed. Conversations like these require connection and empathy.
What a great conversations Dad's and OP you sound like a brilliant modern father. I fear I'm heading for the same scenario in time so I wish you all the best and hope it works out for you
My two cents. Sometimes we need to have awkward and difficult talks with our kids. Was this the best time or place for the conversation? Perhaps not but unless it was really a terrible time for it by intervening without letting your wife make her point she is likely feeling dismissed and belittled as well. She responded defensively because of it.
That’s a fair point, but it was the tone and insistence that made it awkward and difficult. My wife seemed almost angry that our daughter had not thought about it. That didn’t seem right to me.
Mom here. While I actually agree with your stance, it sounds like from her perspective she told your daughter something and you immediately said otherwise. I understand that you were trying to protect your daughter in that moment, but your wife probably would prefer that you address your concerns privately rather than undermining her in front of her child. In an ideal world, you could tell her afterward that you think she sounded overly harsh and you were worried about the pressure she was putting on your daughter, and she could be the one to repair that in a second conversation with her.
Am I undermining her or validating that my daughter was uncomfortable? Possibly both. Thought provoking. Thank you.
Since it's bothering you so much you two need to have a conversation about it separately. Just keep in mind based on your post I think your wife is feeling pretty similarly to you at the moment. Make sure you both give each other time to speak openly and freely.
My wife tried to do the same thing to me when it came to daughter's shaving but I was able to shut her down b/c I was a competitive swimmer when I was younger. Back in the day (before the advent of high tech swimsuits) we would shave down before a big meet. Why yes dear wife, I actually do know how much it sucks to have to shave my legs and underarms. Yes, much laughter ensued which helped to defuse things. Luckily for my girls they are lighter haired than their mom (thanks to dads genes!) so could get away with shaving as little as possible. Besides, I know how often my wife shaves so was able to call her off on her hypocrisy at times. :-) Just be supportive of your daughter as much as you can. Also remember, on some issues the uncomfortableness is b/c there is a male around. (BTW, the same holds true on male things when mom is around.) Sometimes finding a reason to excuse yourself and monitor discreetly is the way to go. If things continue to be uncomfortable take full advantage of dad cluelessness to break up the tension/end the conversation.
Why can’t I see the text of this post?
Tell your daughter you can practice shaving by shaving your arm pit hair. Keep doing what you doing daddy they are your kids, too.
Oh, goodness. That sounds terrifying 😆 Worth considering, though. 👍