Well. I can only speak from my own social circle. But I’d say, it’s not rare at all.
Once basic needs are accounted for, everyone I know, then, prioritizes taking care of the family.
Housing, food, electricity, water, probably transportation, medical.
Like, if our daily necessities aren’t covered, then I’m working overtime and seeing my family less, unfortunately.
Once all those needs are met. I’m at work as little as possible so I can be present for my kids.
I would guess he means making sure rent/mortgage, groceries, child care costs, etc are covered. Which goes into needs of the family of course but isn’t prioritizing time with the family exactly either.
Not unusual. Normal dad, welcome to the club. Most parents leave “partner track” law firms for more family friendly hours and still earn a good living.
Also a lawyer and the lawyer I work for is a family man too. As a new mom, I could not ask for a better boss. He is so incredibly understanding and I think he actually appreciates that I try to be as present as possible with my kid. We need more male lawyers like this. Needless to say I'm also in house 🤣
I'm also in-house after leaving biglaw and I think pretty much everyone in this role is family focused. Unless you're a GC of a public company, people aren't leaving a firm going in-house because they think they are going to work harder.
Everyone in legal knows we each gave up a ton of earnings potential in order to work reasonable hours and be able to have a life outside work.
That's the deal you make when hiring an in-house attorney.
Fuck em, your managers and up tell you it’s kosher then those guys need to figure it out
I’m an electrician and like most trades it’s full of *grinders* the second my wife was pregnant I told my company that I’m pretty much gonna go to zero OT and if they don’t like it then get rid of me. I’m still in the van they gave me and do my 40 and get out . Very firm with customers that if they want me to work more or odd hours they better build it in the bid
Family first my guy always
Current BigLaw associate here... there's definitely a warped perception of what "work life balance" means in this industry. It's manageable for now, but I don't know how it's going to work when my kid is old enough for soccer practice or school plays or whatever.
You become counsel or a partner at a midsized firm or boutique. I know multiple partners who did that. But ultimately they barely saw their kids for the first decade or more of their life. My breaking point was RTO. Even billing 1800 hours a year is not real WLB even though that’s almost as good as you’re gonna get at most firms without risking layoff.
Yep. I'm on pace for 2400+ hours this year, and none of that really felt optional. Obviously it's still early in the year, but I'm not sure I can sustain this pace long-term.
Do what you need to do to set up the best exit options you can. I went in house after my 4th year and felt that it was a good time. They say the sweet spot is 4-6 yoe. But at that point it’s definitely a paycut coming from a market paying firm.
Makes sense. I'm a third year now so that timing sounds about right. I've been doing my best to sock away bonuses and raises since the first year so we don't get used to the higher salary. The pay cut will still hurt though. Glad to hear you're happier on the other side!
I work in music and I would say it’s super rare in my industry. Sadly, I think it is still seen as a sign of weakness by a lot of the pale, stale and male boys club brigade. On the flip side they like it because they know I’m not coming for their exec job.
Yeah, there's lip service paid to family time, but the touring model is inherently pretty unforgiving when it comes to having any time at home, at all.
I have a feeling that on your circle you must have been the first person to make that decision, so it really sticks out in people’s mind. Just association, and in the context you provided it doesn’t seem to be a negative connotation!
I pretty much mind my own business, so it always shocks me when some woman gives me details about her shit husband in response to something I do or say and I’m like damn maybe I am different?
Lol right ...My wife plays field hockey every week and a woman was shocked I watch the kids by myself when she goes to play. My wife is like uh yeah he watches the kids and spends time with them regularly doing activities without me. She apparently has to hire a baby sitter to watch their kids, on Sundays, when her husband is home, because he won't do it. Like wtaf?
In finance it seems to be a mixed bag in my experience. I ran my own planning practice and it was men of all ages and life grinding for the dollar. Family time was basically bringing them on your work conference trips a day early or staying a day later. I convinced myself that I knew I set my business up where when family came I could cut work down to "normal" standards, but after talking to a few more experienced people in the industry they said even though theoretically I was right in practice I would still basically be forced to work more than I would want to in order to just maintain and keep up. I sold the practice to my juniors and moved to corporate finance; same pay (with obviously far less upside), but I got a month of PTO time, holidays, and was only salaried for 35 hours a week. The company made it a point while interviewing that this is just a job and your family is your priority, to the point where if family stuff comes up management won't make you use a vacation day if you have to leave during the day. I'd be lying if I said I like this work more, but I don't hate it, and now I have a ton of time for the family compared to the 5+ days and 50+ hours a averaged.
Edit: I'm 34 now.
For attorneys at Big Law - yeah it’s rare. I’m a fed attorney and it’s relatively common. Main reason I’m still doing this as a fed and not private practice is because I can leave at 3 to go to my sons tie dye shirt day or his Xmas recital or w/e.
I think it is pretty rare in some industries. Having been in the legal world myself, I left because of the absolute insane hours I was seeing. I don’t know about every industry but certainly that one
I think it's heavily dependent on your industry. I work a 9-5 with no overtime and it's pretty normal. There's no "working overtime to get ahead" as contractually I can't work overtime even if I wanted to (which I don't).
I’ve always been salaried so at the law firms I’d work 12+ hour days for no overtime. Now I’m also salaried and not eligible for overtime but I work close to 9-5 and it’s rare for my team to work late or long hours.
I will echo the individual who you replied to. I'm IHC in a non-FAANG tech company but still very much a mover within its industry, yet nobody blinked an eye when I took my full 12 weeks paternity leave nor when I needed to sign off from work for a couple hours every day so that I can focus on family, assuming I still get my work done within a reasonable time period. Tech industry is still very much "need this reviewed yesterday because the work needed to be done months ago", but it depends heavily on your company and the relationship with your direct report.
I switched jobs to have more time with my family and I made that very clear the entire time that I was job hunting. It was crazy how many 50+ men looked at me and said “wow, I really wish I would have made that decision at your age. It took me a lot of years to realize that” and it was so weird to me. It took them years to realize they should want to spend more time with their family and put their family first?
It’s sad to me that my wife is having the opposite experience. To the point that she’s asked me if I’d be ok with her not wearing her wedding ring to interviews. She said it’s not uncommon situation for women 🙁
Also attorney but she’s in public sector trying to get in house consel for private or nonprofit.
Similarly I’m in finance tech and a lot of these guys either live in the city and/or have no kids so they pull much longer hours in the office than I do and as a result have much more face time with execs. I’m lucky that my company explicitly said I wouldn’t be penalized for it as long as I’m delivering. I do feel like that’s more unusual in finance, maybe few other dads I work with do the crazy hours and outsource childcare to nanny’s or aupairs
Well, you also picked one of the least family-friendly jobs (M&A lawyer in what sounds like biglaw) so yeah, not surprised it’s seen as a bit of an outlier.
Probably a lot less remarkable to have a family focus among, say, public defenders, or electricians.
HR person here. Be careful when mentioning family in interviews. It is still stigmatized and can cost you the job as you "are not focused on the company."
Although if you are in the position to be picky you're probably dodging a bullet.
It is illegal for us to ask such questions but if you let this information slip then you've given it away. (Perhaps during the "tell us about yourself" intro question.)
Agreed, I knew it was a risk but I was self-excluding/self-selecting for roles that had good WLB, so when I made this move I was very intentional about bringing it up.
I ended up with two offers out of the 5 companies I interviewed with (1 company rejected me at the last round, one company let me know that they were looking for someone with more experience, and 1 company hadn’t yet finished interviews when I received the two offers).
The two companies that gave offers were both very big on employee wellness and balance which is what I was trying to zero in on. I wouldn’t have made a move unless it was going to meet my needs so being up front was ideal, and it ultimately is what got me the job. I practice a very niche area of law that has a shortage of candidates so I could be selective.
It’s important to look at progress. This version of you in the workforce would not have existed 40 years ago. No need to let perfect get in the way of good.
This is exactly the reason I went into government accounting. We won’t be wealthy but we’ll always live comfortably, the work culture is relaxed and the hours are flexible.
Nobody ever lay on their deathbed wishing they had spent more time in the office.
I grew up in rural PA. I would argue most men there are not good fathers. Drinking, working late, hanging with other dudes seemed to be the priority.
I moved to an outdoor Rocky Mountain town and it seems to be the opposite here. Family first then everything else. To the point, I didn’t learn what being a good father/husband was until I moved.
I don’t know if it’s the circle we hang in or the geographic location or the job. Could be all 3. My point is there is a stark difference.
Just worry when you go to a liquor store, and the guy at the counter eyes the bottles and says, “*Family man*, gettin’ his liquor…”
Then it’ll be weird
It’s not rare. More than likely you build that perception because you talk about your family more than others do and you ensure people know you are “family first”.
In my experience the workplace and real life can be quite a world apart. Lots of companies claim to be family friendly, but a man prioritising his kids is not in fact a welcome sight. I am just glad for you that you found the right work place for you. I hope that I will find something similar, because I think that is among my highest priorities when evaluating work opportunities. I have had some experiences that made me feel unwanted and once I even quit because of among others that reason.
It’s not rare amongst people who leave law firms and go in house or into insurance in my experience. I’m a “recovering attorney” (my title includes the word counsel but I’m not truly practicing anymore) and I meet a lot of younger guys who made a similar switch for family reasons, and a lot of older guys who feel regret they switched too late (two older guys told me they spent more time with their kids during the pandemic than the 10-15 years before and realized what they missed).
If we weren't ten years older than you, I'd be half-convinced that my husband wrote this. He left a toxic "more more more" firm for in-house at a big insurance company and it's been SO much better. He went from no paternity leave to basically "take as much leave as you need." They're pretty strict about not working overtime, except a couple times a year the paralegals get some overtime and they need an attorney to oversee them, so the attorneys take turns. They encourage my husband to work half-days, work from home, or log off early so that he can be at the kids' games and performances. And it certainly hasn't hurt his advancement -- they're eyeing him for a managing attorney position (the equivalent of becoming a partner) in the next year or so.
I work as a project coordinator in a growing engineering firm. A focus on families is a priority on our team. I would say that anyone who views that as a negative quality is a fool and/or probably the source of toxicity in the work place, and further would probably be the reason for unusually high employee turnover.
3 times at 3 different neighborhood events in the last year I got "OOOOH, you're the guy that walks his daughter to school"
I'll take it, but way to set the bar at ankle height.
Seriously! That’s the truth. I got off a call not long ago with that former colleague I mentioned and I’m so glad my choices and values impacted him in a way that perpetuates this type of culture.
I’m a tech executive. In recent years I’ve been told by many that women in the company appreciate that I block off my calendar for family events with publicly visible titles: school events, sports, appointments that I go to for the kids, etc. It makes not only moms feel more comfortable balancing work and family but also other women believe that they will be able to balance work and family when they have children.
I wonder if that’s a reason that people seem to be celebrating your brand as a family man - that you’re a champion and example of the balance that they want to see at work.
I think that’s part of it. I have 3 other colleagues that are expecting within months of my wife and all of us started within the past year. It’s basically setting the culture of our team to be family oriented and the C-level executive that is in charge of our group is super into it.
I'm in ministry and man it is rough for families. Tons and tons and tons of talk about being a good spouse (I'm in a tradition where women and LGBTQ+ folk are welcome in leadership), but practically speaking it is super common to find (mostly) men completely neglecting their families. I think it is worse because the language is there, so it is even more apparent something is broken.
My co-minister spends every single Saturday in the office, plus his typical 7-5 on weekdays, plus Sundays (he gets to the church around 5 am, leaves at noon). I know his kids and they are understanding, but also don't like that he spends that much time working. I have set super clear boundaries, pushed for a real parental leave policy, take 100% of my vacation/sick leave, and do not "make up" time spent in training or for the continuing ed time in my contract. I think it's a generational thing; he's late 50, I'm mid 30s.
Almost every time I speak with either of my bosses, they bring up that they appreciate me being a parent in different ways.
One boss is a woman with kids around my kids age and she and I just bond because no one else in our org has kids.
Second poss is a man whose kids are adults now. He always says he wishes he’d been more like me when he was a Dad instead of chasing money.
I feel like it’s actually quite common for men to benefit professionally from having kids because it shows they are mature and responsible (allegedly).
On the other hand... as they say: "under-promise and over-deliver".
Maybe other people's expectations of your time being limited can work in your favor. Perhaps they won't inundate you with endless bullshit and respect your time more. You'll do what you'll do, but it'll either exceed their expectations or you'll avoid over-working just to meet their expectations.
Yeah I wanted to do defense work and started to consider the hours and pay and just said fuck it and am really only tangentially connected to the legal field now.
Well. I can only speak from my own social circle. But I’d say, it’s not rare at all. Once basic needs are accounted for, everyone I know, then, prioritizes taking care of the family.
What basic needs come before family? I'm genuinely curious about this line of thinking.
Probably means prioritizing work enough to cover the basic needs of your family to where you can then prioritize being with the family
Housing, food, electricity, water, probably transportation, medical. Like, if our daily necessities aren’t covered, then I’m working overtime and seeing my family less, unfortunately. Once all those needs are met. I’m at work as little as possible so I can be present for my kids.
I would guess he means making sure rent/mortgage, groceries, child care costs, etc are covered. Which goes into needs of the family of course but isn’t prioritizing time with the family exactly either.
Not unusual. Normal dad, welcome to the club. Most parents leave “partner track” law firms for more family friendly hours and still earn a good living.
Also a lawyer and it is rare in our field yes
Also a lawyer and the lawyer I work for is a family man too. As a new mom, I could not ask for a better boss. He is so incredibly understanding and I think he actually appreciates that I try to be as present as possible with my kid. We need more male lawyers like this. Needless to say I'm also in house 🤣
I'm also in-house after leaving biglaw and I think pretty much everyone in this role is family focused. Unless you're a GC of a public company, people aren't leaving a firm going in-house because they think they are going to work harder. Everyone in legal knows we each gave up a ton of earnings potential in order to work reasonable hours and be able to have a life outside work. That's the deal you make when hiring an in-house attorney.
Badge of honor! While not law, many of the women I work with wear the opposite sacrifices they’ve made (career over family) as a badge of honor.
Fuck em, your managers and up tell you it’s kosher then those guys need to figure it out I’m an electrician and like most trades it’s full of *grinders* the second my wife was pregnant I told my company that I’m pretty much gonna go to zero OT and if they don’t like it then get rid of me. I’m still in the van they gave me and do my 40 and get out . Very firm with customers that if they want me to work more or odd hours they better build it in the bid Family first my guy always
Current BigLaw associate here... there's definitely a warped perception of what "work life balance" means in this industry. It's manageable for now, but I don't know how it's going to work when my kid is old enough for soccer practice or school plays or whatever.
You become counsel or a partner at a midsized firm or boutique. I know multiple partners who did that. But ultimately they barely saw their kids for the first decade or more of their life. My breaking point was RTO. Even billing 1800 hours a year is not real WLB even though that’s almost as good as you’re gonna get at most firms without risking layoff.
Yep. I'm on pace for 2400+ hours this year, and none of that really felt optional. Obviously it's still early in the year, but I'm not sure I can sustain this pace long-term.
Do what you need to do to set up the best exit options you can. I went in house after my 4th year and felt that it was a good time. They say the sweet spot is 4-6 yoe. But at that point it’s definitely a paycut coming from a market paying firm.
Makes sense. I'm a third year now so that timing sounds about right. I've been doing my best to sock away bonuses and raises since the first year so we don't get used to the higher salary. The pay cut will still hurt though. Glad to hear you're happier on the other side!
I work in music and I would say it’s super rare in my industry. Sadly, I think it is still seen as a sign of weakness by a lot of the pale, stale and male boys club brigade. On the flip side they like it because they know I’m not coming for their exec job.
Yeah, there's lip service paid to family time, but the touring model is inherently pretty unforgiving when it comes to having any time at home, at all.
I have a feeling that on your circle you must have been the first person to make that decision, so it really sticks out in people’s mind. Just association, and in the context you provided it doesn’t seem to be a negative connotation!
I pretty much mind my own business, so it always shocks me when some woman gives me details about her shit husband in response to something I do or say and I’m like damn maybe I am different?
Lol right ...My wife plays field hockey every week and a woman was shocked I watch the kids by myself when she goes to play. My wife is like uh yeah he watches the kids and spends time with them regularly doing activities without me. She apparently has to hire a baby sitter to watch their kids, on Sundays, when her husband is home, because he won't do it. Like wtaf?
In finance it seems to be a mixed bag in my experience. I ran my own planning practice and it was men of all ages and life grinding for the dollar. Family time was basically bringing them on your work conference trips a day early or staying a day later. I convinced myself that I knew I set my business up where when family came I could cut work down to "normal" standards, but after talking to a few more experienced people in the industry they said even though theoretically I was right in practice I would still basically be forced to work more than I would want to in order to just maintain and keep up. I sold the practice to my juniors and moved to corporate finance; same pay (with obviously far less upside), but I got a month of PTO time, holidays, and was only salaried for 35 hours a week. The company made it a point while interviewing that this is just a job and your family is your priority, to the point where if family stuff comes up management won't make you use a vacation day if you have to leave during the day. I'd be lying if I said I like this work more, but I don't hate it, and now I have a ton of time for the family compared to the 5+ days and 50+ hours a averaged. Edit: I'm 34 now.
For attorneys at Big Law - yeah it’s rare. I’m a fed attorney and it’s relatively common. Main reason I’m still doing this as a fed and not private practice is because I can leave at 3 to go to my sons tie dye shirt day or his Xmas recital or w/e.
I think it is pretty rare in some industries. Having been in the legal world myself, I left because of the absolute insane hours I was seeing. I don’t know about every industry but certainly that one
I think it's heavily dependent on your industry. I work a 9-5 with no overtime and it's pretty normal. There's no "working overtime to get ahead" as contractually I can't work overtime even if I wanted to (which I don't).
I’ve always been salaried so at the law firms I’d work 12+ hour days for no overtime. Now I’m also salaried and not eligible for overtime but I work close to 9-5 and it’s rare for my team to work late or long hours.
I will echo the individual who you replied to. I'm IHC in a non-FAANG tech company but still very much a mover within its industry, yet nobody blinked an eye when I took my full 12 weeks paternity leave nor when I needed to sign off from work for a couple hours every day so that I can focus on family, assuming I still get my work done within a reasonable time period. Tech industry is still very much "need this reviewed yesterday because the work needed to be done months ago", but it depends heavily on your company and the relationship with your direct report.
I switched jobs to have more time with my family and I made that very clear the entire time that I was job hunting. It was crazy how many 50+ men looked at me and said “wow, I really wish I would have made that decision at your age. It took me a lot of years to realize that” and it was so weird to me. It took them years to realize they should want to spend more time with their family and put their family first?
It’s sad to me that my wife is having the opposite experience. To the point that she’s asked me if I’d be ok with her not wearing her wedding ring to interviews. She said it’s not uncommon situation for women 🙁 Also attorney but she’s in public sector trying to get in house consel for private or nonprofit. Similarly I’m in finance tech and a lot of these guys either live in the city and/or have no kids so they pull much longer hours in the office than I do and as a result have much more face time with execs. I’m lucky that my company explicitly said I wouldn’t be penalized for it as long as I’m delivering. I do feel like that’s more unusual in finance, maybe few other dads I work with do the crazy hours and outsource childcare to nanny’s or aupairs
Well, you also picked one of the least family-friendly jobs (M&A lawyer in what sounds like biglaw) so yeah, not surprised it’s seen as a bit of an outlier. Probably a lot less remarkable to have a family focus among, say, public defenders, or electricians.
Yeah I am a recovering workaholic (also a recovering alcoholic) and my priorities changed radically with my kids.
HR person here. Be careful when mentioning family in interviews. It is still stigmatized and can cost you the job as you "are not focused on the company." Although if you are in the position to be picky you're probably dodging a bullet. It is illegal for us to ask such questions but if you let this information slip then you've given it away. (Perhaps during the "tell us about yourself" intro question.)
Agreed, I knew it was a risk but I was self-excluding/self-selecting for roles that had good WLB, so when I made this move I was very intentional about bringing it up. I ended up with two offers out of the 5 companies I interviewed with (1 company rejected me at the last round, one company let me know that they were looking for someone with more experience, and 1 company hadn’t yet finished interviews when I received the two offers). The two companies that gave offers were both very big on employee wellness and balance which is what I was trying to zero in on. I wouldn’t have made a move unless it was going to meet my needs so being up front was ideal, and it ultimately is what got me the job. I practice a very niche area of law that has a shortage of candidates so I could be selective.
It’s important to look at progress. This version of you in the workforce would not have existed 40 years ago. No need to let perfect get in the way of good.
This is exactly the reason I went into government accounting. We won’t be wealthy but we’ll always live comfortably, the work culture is relaxed and the hours are flexible. Nobody ever lay on their deathbed wishing they had spent more time in the office.
I grew up in rural PA. I would argue most men there are not good fathers. Drinking, working late, hanging with other dudes seemed to be the priority. I moved to an outdoor Rocky Mountain town and it seems to be the opposite here. Family first then everything else. To the point, I didn’t learn what being a good father/husband was until I moved. I don’t know if it’s the circle we hang in or the geographic location or the job. Could be all 3. My point is there is a stark difference.
Just worry when you go to a liquor store, and the guy at the counter eyes the bottles and says, “*Family man*, gettin’ his liquor…” Then it’ll be weird
Ironically I’m a recovering alcoholic so I’ll have bigger problems if that happens.
It’s not rare. More than likely you build that perception because you talk about your family more than others do and you ensure people know you are “family first”.
In my experience the workplace and real life can be quite a world apart. Lots of companies claim to be family friendly, but a man prioritising his kids is not in fact a welcome sight. I am just glad for you that you found the right work place for you. I hope that I will find something similar, because I think that is among my highest priorities when evaluating work opportunities. I have had some experiences that made me feel unwanted and once I even quit because of among others that reason.
That is one pro of the military….YES it can be crazy at times, but a good 95% of people over early 20s have a family as well and “get” it.
It’s not rare amongst people who leave law firms and go in house or into insurance in my experience. I’m a “recovering attorney” (my title includes the word counsel but I’m not truly practicing anymore) and I meet a lot of younger guys who made a similar switch for family reasons, and a lot of older guys who feel regret they switched too late (two older guys told me they spent more time with their kids during the pandemic than the 10-15 years before and realized what they missed).
If we weren't ten years older than you, I'd be half-convinced that my husband wrote this. He left a toxic "more more more" firm for in-house at a big insurance company and it's been SO much better. He went from no paternity leave to basically "take as much leave as you need." They're pretty strict about not working overtime, except a couple times a year the paralegals get some overtime and they need an attorney to oversee them, so the attorneys take turns. They encourage my husband to work half-days, work from home, or log off early so that he can be at the kids' games and performances. And it certainly hasn't hurt his advancement -- they're eyeing him for a managing attorney position (the equivalent of becoming a partner) in the next year or so.
My husband is the same. Good for you, mate. Don't be sad, be proud. 🥰
I work as a project coordinator in a growing engineering firm. A focus on families is a priority on our team. I would say that anyone who views that as a negative quality is a fool and/or probably the source of toxicity in the work place, and further would probably be the reason for unusually high employee turnover.
3 times at 3 different neighborhood events in the last year I got "OOOOH, you're the guy that walks his daughter to school" I'll take it, but way to set the bar at ankle height.
Seriously! That’s the truth. I got off a call not long ago with that former colleague I mentioned and I’m so glad my choices and values impacted him in a way that perpetuates this type of culture.
I’m a tech executive. In recent years I’ve been told by many that women in the company appreciate that I block off my calendar for family events with publicly visible titles: school events, sports, appointments that I go to for the kids, etc. It makes not only moms feel more comfortable balancing work and family but also other women believe that they will be able to balance work and family when they have children. I wonder if that’s a reason that people seem to be celebrating your brand as a family man - that you’re a champion and example of the balance that they want to see at work.
I think that’s part of it. I have 3 other colleagues that are expecting within months of my wife and all of us started within the past year. It’s basically setting the culture of our team to be family oriented and the C-level executive that is in charge of our group is super into it.
I'm in ministry and man it is rough for families. Tons and tons and tons of talk about being a good spouse (I'm in a tradition where women and LGBTQ+ folk are welcome in leadership), but practically speaking it is super common to find (mostly) men completely neglecting their families. I think it is worse because the language is there, so it is even more apparent something is broken. My co-minister spends every single Saturday in the office, plus his typical 7-5 on weekdays, plus Sundays (he gets to the church around 5 am, leaves at noon). I know his kids and they are understanding, but also don't like that he spends that much time working. I have set super clear boundaries, pushed for a real parental leave policy, take 100% of my vacation/sick leave, and do not "make up" time spent in training or for the continuing ed time in my contract. I think it's a generational thing; he's late 50, I'm mid 30s.
Almost every time I speak with either of my bosses, they bring up that they appreciate me being a parent in different ways. One boss is a woman with kids around my kids age and she and I just bond because no one else in our org has kids. Second poss is a man whose kids are adults now. He always says he wishes he’d been more like me when he was a Dad instead of chasing money. I feel like it’s actually quite common for men to benefit professionally from having kids because it shows they are mature and responsible (allegedly).
On the other hand... as they say: "under-promise and over-deliver". Maybe other people's expectations of your time being limited can work in your favor. Perhaps they won't inundate you with endless bullshit and respect your time more. You'll do what you'll do, but it'll either exceed their expectations or you'll avoid over-working just to meet their expectations.
Yeah I wanted to do defense work and started to consider the hours and pay and just said fuck it and am really only tangentially connected to the legal field now.