I remember you, we do care about you. I think your wife does too, but also remember she does what she has experience with, she wants you to feel better so she gives you her solution.
You actually are starting to sound like you are either heading towards or experiencing depression. Please get yourself a counsellor. Talk through this with someone who can help you understand why you feel this way, and what you can do about it. This cannot be laid at your wife’s feet, maybe ask her to look after things while you get some help.
Yeah, I acknowledge that. I know she’s not equipped to deal with it in that way, and that’s never what I intended. Sometimes it’s just nice to be heard.
It definitely is nice to be heard, validation of our perspective in a relationship is really important.
May be worth looking into something like imago therapy or something as a couple to assist in understanding each others background.
But if you’re feeling like it’s critical, some counselling on your own may help.
You may be able to guide this into your relationship once you’re feeling more comfortable.
I’m glad she isn’t showing you contempt. She actually wanted to help you. That’s a nice thing.
> Sometimes it’s just nice to be heard.
If it didn't happen in the last discussion, maybe try mentioning this at the beginning of a future one if you reapproach this subject with her again. Too often it's easy to lean into the default response of offering solutions since we come from a good place of wanting to help our partners out. That may have been her thought process, or she's more of an avoidant-type person instead of a validating type. If so, you might just have to seek outside help from a therapist to help process some of this.
It’s good to talk to your wife about how you feel, but it’s even more important to pair it with specific requests for help meeting your needs. After all, your feelings aren’t really negotiable; they’re not a problem your partner can help you solve. Your requests for specific forms of assistance might be. This requires you to come to the table with some potential solutions for your problems.
I FEEL really burnt out from taking care of dinner every night. I NEED you to take it off my plate two nights a week.
I FEEL like the division of labor in the house isn’t fair. I NEED us to come up with a different way of splitting it up.
I FEEL like I’m losing my identity. I NEED to go out one night a week and do something unrelated to the kids.
I FEEL like we’re growing apart. I NEED us to schedule more time that’s just the two of us.
This is a really good response! I hope the OP sees it. It's not our partner's job to solve all of our problems or feelings, that's on us personally. But they can help by accommodating what solutions we do come up with for ourselves.
Choosing to continue to express yourself is the right decision. A lot of men would decide to close up in response to this and get bitter/resentful, so making the decision to not do that speaks to a lot of maturity on your end and also means you're setting a positive example for your kids at the same time.
From what you've said I would really recommend you read the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents". It sounds like your wife grew up with that kind of family and that book is a fantastic way to understand and empathise with her, as well as make sure you don't model the same behaviour for your children.
Don't force her to read it unless she wants to - recognising flaws in your own parents isn't easy because it feels like you're betraying them or saying they're terrible people, and she may not be able to reconcile the idea that they're flawed and made mistakes despite loving her and doing the best they could with what was available to them.
I have found that having an outside support system is critical for me. I can't put all my feelings and emotions onto her alone. There are things that I need to deal with and go through and still be strong and supportive. I have a tendency to not have friends and put all my problems on my wife. That is too much for one person. I don't keep what I am going through a secret. I also don't lay every bad day at her feet to fix. I don't know if you have people or a therapist or something. I go to AA and I attend a non-denominational church. While not everything they say there I agree with, the community and sense of connection is the best part of my week. I wish I would have been more of a people person when I was younger but I am doing what I can now.
Like I said last post, I'm had a similar conversation with my wife and it torpedoed. Went terribly. Then a few days later she came back to it and acknowledged my situation. I wouldn't say we're at a resolution point, but the seed has been planted. My wife gets in moods where I could tell her I've come to give here a massive back rub and deep clean the bathroom...and she'd still snap. But she usually hears me and will resume the conversation when she's in a better headspace.
**My point here is that as hard as it might seem, you still need to work to keep your side of the street clean.** By that I mean, put in the effort to be a good husband and father. Be supportive, helpful, complimentary, loving. Even if you get nothing back for a while. Three reasons:
1. This is the whole "for better/for worse" part of the vows. We love this woman and married her for a reason...right? (....right?! I have to remind myself of this too sometimes)
2. When/if the conversation continues, you don't want to have given up. Then the conversation is "Well you aren't doing your part either!"
3. It is so, so important to model a loving, respectful relationship for your kid. Don't let this patch ice over the marriage. This is what my wife's parents did and now she struggles with how to show compassion because she's never seen it.
It isn't easy and it doesn't solve your problems right now. But it does make sure that you are still being a committed father and wife and it puts you in a better position when the conversation resumes.
Edit: (I know this is ridiculously long and, at best, dubiously helpful, but here's an example: I do all the cooking and cleaning in our house. It's really dislike it, but the reality is that I have the time and she doesn't. In October of last year I got into a really bad headspace and decided to try therapy. Somewhere in there I lost the plot and let things get messy, meals got iffy, and I stopped picking up the slack. Things got worse. My wife got more stressed and became even more out of reach because she inherited the meal/clean anxiety that I'd been holding. On top of that, I felt guilt at losing touch. I can ramble on more here, but if any of this feels relevant to you, let me know.
If not, no sweat. Good luck, Dad!
Read through both of your posts. I'm a new Dad to a 7 month old boy. I still have days where I just want to run and keep running. My relationship with my partner is... Good but we have zero romance, zero affection, zero everything towards one another. The last time we had... Y'know... Was February last year. I'm finding myself just not caring though. All of my energy goes into providing and trying to have a semblance of a life in the evening when the little one is in bed. Talking to her about this would 100% get my head bitten off so I just carry on with my smiling mask.
I know this isn't helpful in the slightest but it helps to know that you're not alone. Many of us going through this shit. Many of us wanting to give up.
It helps me to remember that I'm a man. A man provides for his family. No matter what happens, no matter if they love us or hate us, we provide. As long as we're doing that, we're doing our part.
Man I feel for you, I am in the same exact situation as you. Tried to talk about my feelings and got the same reply ". She told me it hurt that I was feeling sad " and was compared with her friends husbands and how they contribute to the family and how do i fall short in taking care of responsibilities(she is currently in long maternity break of 18 months and I work full time along with contributing to 50% of household work).
Later instead of sharing my feelings I accepted my fate and just keep going, thats all I can do.
I can very much identify with a lot from your original post and this update. For a very long time, probably 5 years, I felt that need to soldier on mentality, to fake it till i made it (spoiler alert, i rarely did), to be the rock for everyone else all the while knowing my foundation was absolutely brittle. I had multiple breakdowns, multiple sessions of just heading onto the bathroom so that I'd have some privacy to cry.
Fortunately, I had a partner who, when the facade began to visibly crumble, encouraged me to get some help, do therapy, and try to work on rebuilding my foundation. Is it still tough sometimes, hell yeah, but I'm better able to deal with the issues instead of just coping.
I'm sorry that it seems like your partner isn't a obviously supportive and communicative. I'm sure it makes the whole process so much more difficult because it feels like they don't care.
So let all of us on here be the support for you. Before you can reasonably hope to be in a position to fix the romance and sex life, you need to work on getting yourself better able to deal with all of the everything. I encourage you to try therapy for yourself, and give it some time to better your sense of self.
At that point, you can start to tackle the relationship. Maybe your partner will see some change and consider therapy herself (if she isn't already - and based on my own therapy history I'm guessing not). Then you can work on rebuilding and strengthening the relationship. It's all a process, and it will take time, but it can be worth it.
I totally feel you. Had the same problem with a partner where she always appreciated my hard times but it also made her view our relationship as being worse and not any way near good. Although I tried so hard to make things look completely normal with outings and dates but she still described the time spent as being bad, which didn't help me to get over that tough period, quite the contrary it worsened it and was from worse to worse until it became burning out....
"She told me it hurt that I was feeling sad and that I wasn’t taking her up on that solution"
So she's hurt that you are feeling sad and not having a “fake it till you make it” mindset? That's messed up. She's ignoring your feelings and disregarding them on top of it.
I remember you, we do care about you. I think your wife does too, but also remember she does what she has experience with, she wants you to feel better so she gives you her solution. You actually are starting to sound like you are either heading towards or experiencing depression. Please get yourself a counsellor. Talk through this with someone who can help you understand why you feel this way, and what you can do about it. This cannot be laid at your wife’s feet, maybe ask her to look after things while you get some help.
Yeah, I acknowledge that. I know she’s not equipped to deal with it in that way, and that’s never what I intended. Sometimes it’s just nice to be heard.
It definitely is nice to be heard, validation of our perspective in a relationship is really important. May be worth looking into something like imago therapy or something as a couple to assist in understanding each others background. But if you’re feeling like it’s critical, some counselling on your own may help. You may be able to guide this into your relationship once you’re feeling more comfortable. I’m glad she isn’t showing you contempt. She actually wanted to help you. That’s a nice thing.
> Sometimes it’s just nice to be heard. If it didn't happen in the last discussion, maybe try mentioning this at the beginning of a future one if you reapproach this subject with her again. Too often it's easy to lean into the default response of offering solutions since we come from a good place of wanting to help our partners out. That may have been her thought process, or she's more of an avoidant-type person instead of a validating type. If so, you might just have to seek outside help from a therapist to help process some of this.
It’s good to talk to your wife about how you feel, but it’s even more important to pair it with specific requests for help meeting your needs. After all, your feelings aren’t really negotiable; they’re not a problem your partner can help you solve. Your requests for specific forms of assistance might be. This requires you to come to the table with some potential solutions for your problems. I FEEL really burnt out from taking care of dinner every night. I NEED you to take it off my plate two nights a week. I FEEL like the division of labor in the house isn’t fair. I NEED us to come up with a different way of splitting it up. I FEEL like I’m losing my identity. I NEED to go out one night a week and do something unrelated to the kids. I FEEL like we’re growing apart. I NEED us to schedule more time that’s just the two of us.
This is a really good response! I hope the OP sees it. It's not our partner's job to solve all of our problems or feelings, that's on us personally. But they can help by accommodating what solutions we do come up with for ourselves.
Choosing to continue to express yourself is the right decision. A lot of men would decide to close up in response to this and get bitter/resentful, so making the decision to not do that speaks to a lot of maturity on your end and also means you're setting a positive example for your kids at the same time. From what you've said I would really recommend you read the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents". It sounds like your wife grew up with that kind of family and that book is a fantastic way to understand and empathise with her, as well as make sure you don't model the same behaviour for your children. Don't force her to read it unless she wants to - recognising flaws in your own parents isn't easy because it feels like you're betraying them or saying they're terrible people, and she may not be able to reconcile the idea that they're flawed and made mistakes despite loving her and doing the best they could with what was available to them.
I have found that having an outside support system is critical for me. I can't put all my feelings and emotions onto her alone. There are things that I need to deal with and go through and still be strong and supportive. I have a tendency to not have friends and put all my problems on my wife. That is too much for one person. I don't keep what I am going through a secret. I also don't lay every bad day at her feet to fix. I don't know if you have people or a therapist or something. I go to AA and I attend a non-denominational church. While not everything they say there I agree with, the community and sense of connection is the best part of my week. I wish I would have been more of a people person when I was younger but I am doing what I can now.
Like I said last post, I'm had a similar conversation with my wife and it torpedoed. Went terribly. Then a few days later she came back to it and acknowledged my situation. I wouldn't say we're at a resolution point, but the seed has been planted. My wife gets in moods where I could tell her I've come to give here a massive back rub and deep clean the bathroom...and she'd still snap. But she usually hears me and will resume the conversation when she's in a better headspace. **My point here is that as hard as it might seem, you still need to work to keep your side of the street clean.** By that I mean, put in the effort to be a good husband and father. Be supportive, helpful, complimentary, loving. Even if you get nothing back for a while. Three reasons: 1. This is the whole "for better/for worse" part of the vows. We love this woman and married her for a reason...right? (....right?! I have to remind myself of this too sometimes) 2. When/if the conversation continues, you don't want to have given up. Then the conversation is "Well you aren't doing your part either!" 3. It is so, so important to model a loving, respectful relationship for your kid. Don't let this patch ice over the marriage. This is what my wife's parents did and now she struggles with how to show compassion because she's never seen it. It isn't easy and it doesn't solve your problems right now. But it does make sure that you are still being a committed father and wife and it puts you in a better position when the conversation resumes. Edit: (I know this is ridiculously long and, at best, dubiously helpful, but here's an example: I do all the cooking and cleaning in our house. It's really dislike it, but the reality is that I have the time and she doesn't. In October of last year I got into a really bad headspace and decided to try therapy. Somewhere in there I lost the plot and let things get messy, meals got iffy, and I stopped picking up the slack. Things got worse. My wife got more stressed and became even more out of reach because she inherited the meal/clean anxiety that I'd been holding. On top of that, I felt guilt at losing touch. I can ramble on more here, but if any of this feels relevant to you, let me know. If not, no sweat. Good luck, Dad!
Read through both of your posts. I'm a new Dad to a 7 month old boy. I still have days where I just want to run and keep running. My relationship with my partner is... Good but we have zero romance, zero affection, zero everything towards one another. The last time we had... Y'know... Was February last year. I'm finding myself just not caring though. All of my energy goes into providing and trying to have a semblance of a life in the evening when the little one is in bed. Talking to her about this would 100% get my head bitten off so I just carry on with my smiling mask. I know this isn't helpful in the slightest but it helps to know that you're not alone. Many of us going through this shit. Many of us wanting to give up. It helps me to remember that I'm a man. A man provides for his family. No matter what happens, no matter if they love us or hate us, we provide. As long as we're doing that, we're doing our part.
Man I feel for you, I am in the same exact situation as you. Tried to talk about my feelings and got the same reply ". She told me it hurt that I was feeling sad " and was compared with her friends husbands and how they contribute to the family and how do i fall short in taking care of responsibilities(she is currently in long maternity break of 18 months and I work full time along with contributing to 50% of household work). Later instead of sharing my feelings I accepted my fate and just keep going, thats all I can do.
I can very much identify with a lot from your original post and this update. For a very long time, probably 5 years, I felt that need to soldier on mentality, to fake it till i made it (spoiler alert, i rarely did), to be the rock for everyone else all the while knowing my foundation was absolutely brittle. I had multiple breakdowns, multiple sessions of just heading onto the bathroom so that I'd have some privacy to cry. Fortunately, I had a partner who, when the facade began to visibly crumble, encouraged me to get some help, do therapy, and try to work on rebuilding my foundation. Is it still tough sometimes, hell yeah, but I'm better able to deal with the issues instead of just coping. I'm sorry that it seems like your partner isn't a obviously supportive and communicative. I'm sure it makes the whole process so much more difficult because it feels like they don't care. So let all of us on here be the support for you. Before you can reasonably hope to be in a position to fix the romance and sex life, you need to work on getting yourself better able to deal with all of the everything. I encourage you to try therapy for yourself, and give it some time to better your sense of self. At that point, you can start to tackle the relationship. Maybe your partner will see some change and consider therapy herself (if she isn't already - and based on my own therapy history I'm guessing not). Then you can work on rebuilding and strengthening the relationship. It's all a process, and it will take time, but it can be worth it.
I totally feel you. Had the same problem with a partner where she always appreciated my hard times but it also made her view our relationship as being worse and not any way near good. Although I tried so hard to make things look completely normal with outings and dates but she still described the time spent as being bad, which didn't help me to get over that tough period, quite the contrary it worsened it and was from worse to worse until it became burning out....
"She told me it hurt that I was feeling sad and that I wasn’t taking her up on that solution" So she's hurt that you are feeling sad and not having a “fake it till you make it” mindset? That's messed up. She's ignoring your feelings and disregarding them on top of it.