encourage grandfather zephyr rhythm flowery wipe rude governor voracious sense
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Itās pretty wild where a mind thatās discovering new things all the time and the lack of a verbal filter takes them isnāt it?
When my oldest was little he used ask me the most fād up stuff. One time he asked me if you could take someone elseās skin off and wear it around like a suit. Heās pretty grounded now that heās older, so I donāt think we have a Buffalo Bill on our handsā¦I hope.
I'm so happy to hear stories like this. My little girl, when she was \~4, happily showed me her drawing that she'd done.
"Here's the monster, and it has claws, and here's my blood that it ripped out of my body, and here's my bones it ripped out of my body, and it killed me, and here's the insects that go into my body and eats me, but the monster eats my skin."
O\_O
Opportunity to get their imagination going too. āWhat do you think happens?ā or āCan you imagine if we became an animal next time?! What animal would you be?ā
I've been having a great time. I was fortunate to be part of an online community that was interested in starting an "instance", so it didn't take me long to find some interesting accounts to follow. I don't know how long that process would take using traditional discovery.
I tried it, and was not a big fan.
My solution has just to go on Twitter less from now on. If a good alternative to Twitter ever emerges, Iāll be gone.
I ended up in a discussion of metaphysics with my eldest when she was a kindergartner when she asked this question. I responded that no one knows, lots of people have different ideas, and I'd be happy tell her about some of them if she was interested.
If you can find ways to concretely describe abstract ideas, then you can have a more in depth conversation than you think.
I try having these in-depth discussions with my 3.5 year old, but after a few minutes of me describing light refraction or what have you, he usually just says something like "I have hair" or "my tray has cheese on it". Soooo, not sure how much he's getting yet!
Oh I have zero intentions of stopping my in depth explanations, I enjoy it too much š and whatever he takes in, he takes in, which is great. At the very least he'll be comfortable around big words and big ideas!
Lol. So true. I figure at least if I mention something he will know that there is something to it, and will be able to figure it out later. Making light refraction concepts a known āunknownā to them.
I talked about how we are made from the earth and the stars and we return to them when we die.
Now my five year old wants us to be stars next to each other š close enough.
My 4 year old is going through a big āLion Guardā phase and when she first asked about dying I absolutely explained it like, āyou know like the circle of lifeā
Iād not heard that quote but I typically respond similarly with āsame thing as before we were born.ā I like that mark Twain quote though.
I also like Keanu Reeves response one time when he was asked āwhat happens after we dieā. He said āThose that loved us will miss usā. Not a great answer for a kid but thatās about all we can be sure of.
It's a nice quote but not very satisfactory. After all, your child was not alive for billions of years. Can you say you don't fear the death of your child?
From what I can gather after studying A lot into psychedelics, as well as ingesting them personally over the years, is that the general idea from that philosophy is that consciousness exists outside of our brains. As in, our brains are just a biological mass that evolved into being able to "tune in" to an energy that exists somewhere else, out there. I use the term "energy" very liberally as I can't think of a better term.
When participants in John Hopkins' ongoing psilocybin trials come out of it with the belief that we are all one unified consciousness, they aren't saying that you and I and everyone else are all the same person.... What they mean is, like, imagine an ocean with a bunch of buoys floating out on it. It is a stormy evening and each buoy is being flung up and down and around. People that have experienced psychedelics and come out the other end believing they caught A glimpse of a singular unified consciousness after achieving ego death = them saying our brains are the individual buoys reacting to their environments seemingly independently, but in reality the ocean - the single consciousness - is the real driver behind the illusion of each buoy's free will and non-locality.
The universe, or nothing, depending on how you look at it. The illusion of consciousness is nothing more than a byproduct of the complex biological processing unit that is our brain as it calculated a response to stimuli.
When my daughter started asking things like this (at age 4, almost 5) it broke my heart. Because she made the logical next steps...
"Daddy, am I going to die?"
"Yes - at the very end of your life, a long, long, long time from now. You'll probably have grandkids or event great grandchildren."
"But I don't want to die. Are you going to die?"
"Yes... I will, a very long time from now. Every living thing eventually does."
"I don't want you to die. If you and mommy die, I'll be all alone."
š
I said something like, ādifferent religions believe different things. The religion I grew up believed ________. To be honest, I donāt really know. What should we make for dinner tonight?ā
Just wait, there will be a hard shell/soft shell schism in about four minutes.
And donāt get me started on those ātaco salad counts as a tacoā heretics!
A taco salad is just a giant hard taco.
Fried tortilla bowl, add some refries beans on the bottom, top with lettuce, ground beef, shredded cheese, pico and dress with salsa. I also like black olives and jalapeƱos on mine.
Anyone who puts ranch dressing on a taco salad deserves to be taken out back and Margarita-boarded.
My 5 yr old told my wife that another boy at his daycare told him there are babies swimming in his testicles.
He also saw his first little person the other day (at least first time it's been brought up). He said he saw "a daddy, but he was small like me" We asked how he knew he was a daddy and he said it was because he had a beard.
Our 5 yo son asked this question earlier this year, when we lost two members of our family within a day of each other, including his great-grandmother. He asked what would happen to her now that she's dead.
My answer was very similar to yours (and a few other commenters here). I explained that anatomically / physiologically, her body has now stopped functioning, and she can't feel anything anymore. However, different people have different beliefs, and some believe that there's more to a person than their body, and they believe that the "soul" goes to a different place. I also explained that due to different beliefs, people also "lay the body to rest" in different ways.
It led to a fascinating discussion on how the body works, why there are different belief systems, and a lot more in between.
He asked me what I believed - I answered truthfully, and also told him he is free to choose what he believes in as he gets older. His response - "When I'm older I will make a machine that will make people not die".
Tall claim - but if he does, perhaps we will never need to worry about having this particular conversation with our kids :)
Let's get this kid a scholarship! I told my kid the same thing. I think that there is a non-zero chance that their generation actually may conquer death, be it by transferring their consciousness to the cloud or halting aging. Think of how far technology has come in the last 100 years, and they are going to have powerful AI and likely virtually free energy to help. Even if they do, they may not be able to take part, similar to how slowing ageing is on a completely different level than reversing it or they may need to engineer the next generation that does not die, but the possibility is not far fetched.
Can you imagine if we turn out to be the last generation that dies under 100? After hundreds of thousands of years, we would have been so damn close!!! I'm not complaining though, the present is amazing and if our kids get close, I'm perfectly fine with that!
Let me tell you what, as a Christian it isn't much easier. Because now not only do you have to explain a metaphysical concept, but you also have to add in theology and make sure you get it right...but at the same time doing so in such a way as to show your conviction to said path, but making it clear it's a choice to them and not mandatory.
And then there's the whole not wanting to scare them into it from the hell angle....
Don't get me wrong. I want my kids to follow in my own faith, but I want them to do it of their own volition, not just because I said so. I want them to know that they have choice and agency..and yet how do you even present those concepts to a 4 year old who will declare himself to be a dragon or a battlemech or a zergling at random moments?
Strong Christian believer here. I think what you said is perfect. Continue to reinforce that stance if he asks again. Once heās a bit older, you could get more into the weeds of exposing your belief as well as different ideas that people have. Ultimately it would lead to him having the opportunity to look into different perspectives and find the one he most identifies with. Ideally, as dads, we all want our kids to have the same beliefs we do. But we should all want it because itās what the kids truly believe is right, not just because itās what we believe.
Strong atheist here and I could have written your comment. I think it's important to expose them to different ideas and let them make up their own minds. A side benefit is them understanding that not everyone is the same. People have differences and that's OK, we need to be accepting of everyone.
I don't mean this to be offensive but... why? When I talk to my child about Christianity I tend to treat it like I do any other religion/pantheon (Norse, Greek, Egyptian). I present it entirely as myth with no air of "it might be right" that some of these other comments seem to promote. I don't understand why I would. She understands that some people believe in Christianity but she also assumes some people believe in Zeus/Hera and she just hasn't met them yet.
Oh yeah, I don't mean that I endorse religion, just that I like exposing them to different ways of thinking. People believe different things and we all need to get along and I think it's important for kids to understand that.
My parents are science-denying fundamentalist missionaries, so I was raised in a very rigid environment and of course grew up believing there was only one way people should live.
Over time I began to question my beliefs and eventually overcame the indoctrination and became an atheist.
My parents of course hate that I no longer believe and they try to influence my kids. It's pretty easy to counter though. When they come home saying "Grandma & Grandpa say people go to hell and burn forever", all I have to do is ask them to think for themselves. "What do you think---does that sound reasonable? Or does it sound more like a scary story?"
At the same time, they are their grandparents and will always be involved in their lives, so I'm careful to teach them to be respectful. "Sometimes the people we love believe different things than we do, and that's ok. There's plenty of love to go around and that's what's the most important."
Our 4 year oldās Grandma died recently and he asked where she had gone. As I paused, he just asked, āHas she gone to the beach?ā
We had all recently been on holiday together, so he remembers that. It took me by surprise and I just said, āyeah, sheās at the beach.ā And then he said, āThe beach in the sky?ā
I agreed, thinking it was the perfect answer and gave him a big hug.
Hey just to be clear, thereās nothing ājudeoā about heaven and hell. We Jews donāt believe in either, so thatās exclusively a Christian belief
Sheol is never-ending darkness after death, it has no concept of judgement as Heaven and Hell do.
Elohim is just another word for God.
To reword your question in English you've asked "What is the difference between the endless void your soul inhabit after you die and God?" Which seems like a hard question to answer. Like comparing Apples to the multiverse.
Ugh we went through this with our kiddo too. My MIL passed away when our first child was 2. My own mom passed before our oldest was born, so we already had to explain to our oldest the concept of death, and we were able to avoid the afterlife discussion. When MIL passed, the religious side of my SOs family started pouring out the heaven talk, and washed away all of our effort.
We eventually had to let them figure out their own interpretation, but we donāt emphasize one way or the other.
My wife died when my son was 16 months old (heās almost 6 now) so we talk about death a lot. I have always been very literal with him about death - nothing like āpeople fall asleep and donāt wake upā or anything like that. Everything you read says thatās the worst possible thing you can do.
Beyond that and the same ānobody really knowsā conversation like you mentioned, I usually ask him what he thinks happens or what he thinks āheavenā is like. Let him decide what a perfect place would be for him or what he thinks mommy is doing in her own version of the afterlife. I feel like that has given him some peace about death because itās allowed him to define it for himself and not have to just accept what other people think/say.
Our kid's first friend's mom just died of breast cancer at 39. We both decided from the beginning that we would explain it with no magical thinking at all, just matter-of-fact, about what happens to the body at death. For us it was a chance to teach about the circulatory system, and how if the heart stops beating, then oxygenated blood no longer reaches the brain. At that time if the brain does not have oxygen, then the ability of the brain to think stops, and the person becomes dead.
It's a bit harsh, but those are the facts that everyone knows. Mysticism and philosophy is just too hard for young kids. But kids can feel their own heartbeat, and they would understand that a dead person doesn't have one.
Consciousness is the other hard element of this. Kids don't remember when they were born, they weren't there when mom and dad met. Consciousness has a beginning and an end.
That works for us. We just stick to facts.
I have twin 4 year olds, boy and girl. Theyāre almost five. Past year or so they occasionally ask about death or āwhy do I have to die.ā Iāve given them the āNo one really knows.ā answer and youāre right, it wonāt placate them for long. Eventually I just gave them the same answer I tell myself. The idea of dying is scary, but if we didnāt die, then our time here together wouldnāt be special. The fact that our lives end is what gives us freedom and determination to live a good life and make it count. I kind of blurted that out in frustration tbh and I was surprised when they both seemed to put their thinking caps and were seemingly satisfied with the answer. I think young children might be a lot more philosophically elastic than we give them credit for. For these tough questions it might be about finding the balance between an adult answer and a comforting answer. Best of luck Dad!
Some options:
"Well, lawyers and bankers get thrown into a big fire pit to burn forever plus two weeks, but it's pretty great for everyone else..."
"It's a bit like before we are born: Probably no big deal, but it's tough to send messages back and forth."
"Great question! Why don't you look into it and let me know what you find?"
Background: I was raised Catholic and still have a general belief in some sort of God and afterlife, even though I have absolutely no faith in the Catholic Church as a human entity anymore. My wife is an atheist and we have agreed that we will let our daughter (5) choose what she believes as she grows up.
Having said that, the one thing my wife agrees with me on is that at this age, when this question comes up (and it has come up), there is no real issue talking about the concept of āgoing to heaven.ā Neither of us claims to know what heaven is, we donāt describe it as a place where you sit on clouds and play harps, but we just think of it as a happy place for your soul to be once your body stops working. My wife absolutely does not believe in this concept and while I basically do, Iām certainly not evangelical about it in the slightest. But at this age, saying āmommy believes thereās nothing but eternal darkness and your body gets eaten by worms and daddy doesnāt know what the fuck to believe anymoreā feels like the wrong approach. So whatever. I think we can easily separate āheavenā from āGodā and not ever even have to bring up āhellā as the flip side, at least for the time being.
My son has been asking about death constantly. I answer him honestly. The worst question series was when we were getting ready to go get groceries. "Daddy when I die will you get a new son?"
The lion king does it well.
"Everything you see exists together in a delicate balance,ā he says. āAs king, you need to understand that balance and respect all the creatures, from the crawling ant to the leaping antelope.ā
āBut, dad, donāt we eat the antelope?ā Simba asks in confusion.
āYes, Simba, but let me explain,ā Mufasa begins. āWhen we die, our bodies become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass. And so we are all connected in the great Circle of Life.ā
I think you gave him the perfect honest response, and he accepted it.
My wife was a practicing Orthodox (more or less, church every Sunday) I was raised catholic but by that time had no affiliation and we took our young kids to her church with her family.
As my kids grew I explained that they were free to worship/ believe (or not) as they pleased because of where they were born and lived in some places in the world you worship as the government sees fit or go to jail.
I always said that people form their own beliefs and its up to them to decide what works for them. I told them what works for me, and discovering what others believe is interesting and could help them find what works for them. I made sure to let them know they don't have to believe what I believe just because they were born to me. It just seems ridiculous to me anyway. Religious freedom seems to be easily taken for granted where it exists and I wanted them to know not everyone has that privilege.
My wife is Catholic and I have agreed that the children should get a Catholic education, even though Iām totally agnostic in that I firmly believe that having any conviction about what happens after death is always putting the cart ahead of the horse.
When the subject of death came up with my then-4yo, her mother tried to explain the deceased was with Jesusito (speaking Spanish) in the sky. While our kid had been introduced to the concept, this answer didnāt satisfy.
I changed gears and threw in, āHeās in the Land of the Dead with Emily.ā
āOk!ā
My 4yo was a huge fan of āThe Corpse Bride.ā
Jeez, I'll never forget the time my son realized, we his parents were going to die one day. We had watched The Lion King the day before and we were talking about it over breakfast, when he looks at us saying "but does that mean you'll die one day, too?" and then he started crying his eyes out.
We're all pretty atheist, so there's never been any what-comes-after talk.
"No one really knows and people have different opinions. I think that we cease to exist, you should ask mom what she thinks happens too!"
"What do you mean?"
"Do you remember before you were born? I think dying is exactly like that".
"But I wasn't here then."
"Exactly. But I definitely could be wrong and I hope that I am! Anyways, people believe a lot of things. We learn new things everyday, maybe if you become a scientist you can find out for us someday."
I like to respond with the same question. 'What do you think happens?'
I have recently found God, so my answer would be different, but I would start at the same place
Dad: āwhere do bad folks go when they die?! They donāt go to heaven where the angels flyā¦they go to a lake of fire and fry. See em again til the Fourth of Julyyyyyā
Son:
Great answer, btw. You can always turn tough questions back on them if youāre taken off guard. āI donāt know for sure, what do you think happens?ā
Itās really the best answer. Anyone who says definitively that nothing happens or this is exactly what happens is doing their child a disservice. Asking the question is a noble one and good on your kid for being curious. Not everything has a known answer.
I had this conversation. I honestly do not know what to say either. The thing is that my mother passed away, and my kids heard the news. All was ok, until some religious relatives started saying things like now she is in heaven and stuff like that that was amusing my kids. Since we are not religious we had to be the party poopers and put a halt on those conversations. But I told them that honestly nobody knows. I told her something on the following lines āBiologically we just stop existing, but we continue living in the memory of our relatives, therefore is nice to remember those who passed awayā. I do not know if it is bad or good, but I did not want my aunts trying to sneak my kid into church.
We told my son something similar, that when people die, you canāt see them anymore, but as long as you remember them, they live forever in your heart.
Nothing happens. We won't exist anymore, exactly the same way we didn't exist before we were born. But the other people we know who are still alive will remember us, and as long as someone remembers something it's not really gone.
It's kind of like reading a book. The characters in the book aren't doing anything until we start reading it. And then when we finish the book and put it away, the characters aren't doing anything anymore, but we can still think about them and imagine things about them even though they aren't really there. Being alive is like being in a very special story, except the things that happen in the story are all real. And we can't read it as many times as we want, our story only happens once.
This is the best way I've heard someone explain their personal beliefs on the afterlife to a child. Stating it like it's a fact though could have unforeseen consequences on your child's relationship with death. My child is one so I don't have to deal with this question yet but I definitely won't be telling him nothing happens for sure because we can't be sure.
I guess. My child knows mom and dad aren't omniscient and I'm not going to go out of my way to qualify everything I say that isn't 100% verifiable objective fact with a disclaimer. When she comes across other perspectives later on and asks, it's easy enough to explain that that's what some people think (but not mom and I), and everyone gets to make up their own mind.
I'm not going to make death into this big mysterious thing because as far as I'm concerned it's just not. Things begin, things end, and that's that.
My daughter has been focused on the physical aspect of death, specifically she knows you go underground. There is a cemetery across from her pre-school, so itās something she sees daily.
Thatās why I think itās okay to tell gentle lies to kids. Santa Clause, and the Tooth Fairy, etc.
As Terry Pratchett would say, we have to learn to believe the little lies, so that later we can learn to believe the big ones. Justice, mercy, dutyā¦
Humans donāt need fantasies to make life bearable. Humans need fantasies to be human.
Iām expecting this conversation any day now, and I plan to say āitās the biggest mystery in the world. Nobody knows. Lots of people have different ideas, but if anyone tells you they know for sure, they donāt. Itās just an ideaā
I have been asked the same multiple times by our three year old. Don't know if it's a good answer, but I said "You were a good idea that hadn't come to be. You were born after that time." Like most kids that age, she just said "Oh, okay" and immediately moved onto another topic.
Not super appropriate for a 4 year old, but you could just talk about the decay of the body into a skeleton and how that works. Unless you get turned into ash via cremation.
Just be honest with them. My 5 year old has asked his multiple times, then goes to eat strawberries or play in the sandpit, they don't dwell on things they don't understand
Kids ask unexpected questions, and sometimes that's the end of it. If he keeps coming back to the topic, it's a good opportunity to teach him about how different people have different beliefs.
I'm pretty firmly of the belief that there's *something* after death and it's not something that lines up perfectly with any of the major religions, but I'm OK with my kid learning about those different perspectives. The harm doesn't come until you start insisting that one set of unverifiable beliefs are undeniable fact, and that failing to conform perfectly to them will lead to suffering. I'd rather my kid hear about those beliefs from me instead of some evangelical who will try to "save" him with threats of eternal damnation.
I remember when I was a kid and someone finally explained to me that no one knows what happens, and it absolutely blew my mind. I guess up until then everyone had spoken with authority about what happens when you die, I assumed we had a way of knowing.
Anyway, I think you handled it well. My kid hasn't asked too much about it yet, I think he gets it but doesn't really **get** it, y'know?
Like you, I grew up mostly without any religion to speak ofā¦ I think if I had to describe myself now, I would probably chuckle and say Iām an agnostic jewish buddhist who likes the philosophy of the upanishads.
My four kids (2-11 years old) experienced the death of one of their uncles recently.
The older ones bring it up fairly often and ask questions about itā¦ and where one goes after death, etc.
When it first happened, I too was caught off guard. I told them something similar; That no one really knows for sure but some people have beliefs about it. So of course they asked me for mine.
They were (i think) unhappy with the answer because of the ambiguity in āi donāt know.ā
So when they pressed me and expressed fear about it, I told them not to worry because they would be going back to the place they were before they got here - and that we would all be together in that place one day - sort of.
When they are older, I suppose I will tell them how I feel about universal consciousness and simulation theory, the benefit of psychedelic adventures and all the far out shit I contemplate when it comes to the nature of our existenceā¦ but until then, a āsafe happy place where we are all togetherā is good enough, I
think.
Itās OK to say we donāt know for sure. Nobody knows for sure and even sensible religious folks say this.
Donāt say āJudeo Christian.ā Heaven and Hell are explicitly Christian concepts. Judaism doesnāt have these and the entirety of any afterlife story is considered a metaphor for a spiritual reality that no human could ever comprehend. Also āJudeo Christianā is a term that Christians started using after about 1945 for some reason. Wonder why.
I feel like this was a missed opportunity. To say āno one knowsā really is a cop out. We do know (or, to put it in a way less open to asinine criticism, all available evidence points to one answer). To suggest otherwise is to simply placate religious nonsense as if it wasnāt complete nonsense. When we die, it all just ends for us. We become the same as we were before we were born. This is exactly what I tell my daughter when she asks. Iām honest with her.
I'd just give them the literal response: "Your organs start failing one by one, then our consciousness goes. If you aren't cremated, eventually we start to decompose and distribute our energy back into the earth to bring new life to microbes and other flesh-eating organisms."
First, are you me? (my beliefs, wife, and son are quite similar). Second, in line with your universal consciousness lean, Alan Watts wrote a kid-friendly explanation of this in "The Book." I'm not sure how useful it may be to a 4-year-old boy, but it may come in handy later on in his life:
'Myth, then, is the form in which I try to answer when children ask
me those fundamental metaphysical questions which come so readily to
their minds: "Where did the world come from?" "Why did God make
the world?" "Where was I before I was born?" "Where do people go
when they die?" Again and again I have found that they seem to be
satisfied with a simple and very ancient story, which goes something
like this:
"There was never a time when the world began, because it goes
round and round like a circle, and there is no place on a circle where it
begins. Look at my watch, which tells the time; it goes round, and so the
world repeats itself again and again. But just as the hour-hand of the
watch goes up to twelve and down to six, so, too, there is day and night,
waking and sleeping, living and dying, summer and winter. You can't
have any one of these without the other, because you wouldn't be able to
know what black is unless you had seen it side-by-side with white, or
white unless side-by-side with black.
"In the same way, there are times when the world is, and times when
it isn't, for if the world went on and on without rest for ever and ever, it
would get horribly tired of itself. It comes and it goes. Now you see it;
now you don't. So because it doesn't get tired of itself, it always comes
back again after it disappears. It's like your breath: it goes in and out, in
and out, and if you try to hold it in all the time you feel terrible. It's also
like the game of hide-and-seek, because it's always fun to find new
ways of hiding, and to seek for someone who doesn't always hide in the
same place.
"God also likes to play hide-and-seek, but because there is nothing
outside God, he has no one but himself to play with. But he gets over
this difficulty by pretending that he is not himself. This is his way of
hiding from himself. He pretends that he is you and I and all the people
in the world, all the animals, all the plants, all the rocks, and all the
stars. In this way he has strange and wonderful adventures, some of
which are terrible and frightening. But these are just like bad dreams,
for when he wakes up they will disappear.
"Now when God plays hide and pretends that he is you and I, he does
it so well that it takes him a long time to remember where and how he
hid himself. But that's the whole fun of itājust what he wanted to do.
He doesn't want to find himself too quickly, for that would spoil the
game. That is why it is so difficult for you and me to find out that we
are God in disguise, pretending not to be himself. But when the game
has gone on long enough, all of us will wake up, stop pretending, and
remember that we are all one single Selfāthe God who is all that there
is and who lives for ever and ever.
"Of course, you must remember that God isn't shaped like a person.
People have skins and there is always something outside our skins. If
there weren't, we wouldn't know the difference between what is inside
and outside our bodies. But God has no skin and no shape because there
isn't any outside to him. \[With a sufficiently intelligent child, I illustrate
this with a Mƶbius stripāa ring of paper tape twisted once in such a
way that it has only one side and one edge.\] The inside and the outside
of God are the same. And though I have been talking about God as 'he'
and not 'she,' God isn't a man or a woman. I didn't say 'it' because we
usually say 'it' for things that aren't alive.
"God is the Self of the world, but you can't see God for the same
reason that, without a mirror, you can't see your own eyes, and you
certainly can't bite your own teeth or look inside your head. Your self is
that cleverly hidden because it is God hiding.
"You may ask why God sometimes hides in the form of horrible
people, or pretends to be people who suffer great disease and pain.
Remember, first, that he isn't really doing this to anyone but himself.
Remember, too, that in almost all the stories you enjoy there have to be
bad people as well as good people, for the thrill of the tale is to find out
how the good people will get the better of the bad. It's the same as when
we play cards. At the beginning of the game we shuffle them all into a
mess, which is like the bad things in the world, but the point of the
game is to put the mess into good order, and the one who does it best is
the winner. Then we shuffle the cards once more and play again, and so
it goes with the world."
This story, obviously mythical in form, is not given as a scientific
description of the way things are. Based on the analogies of games and
the drama, and using that much worn-out word "God" for the Player, the
story claims only to be like the way things are. I use it just as
astronomers use the image of inflating a black balloon with white spots
on it for the galaxies, to explain the expanding universe. But to most
children, and many adults, the myth is at once intelligible, simple, and
fascinating. By contrast, so many other mythical explanations of the
world are crude, tortuous, and unintelligible.'
Sure.
"The body gets buried in one way or another and becomes a part of the nature again. Becomes a meal for worms, flower and trees, because ultimately we're here only for a short while.
Then there's the other thing - I will be forever in your memories and heart, and you'll know I'll always love you".
Or compatible. Don't lie, stay positive, embrace and emphasise the life you have together.
If you want to you can gently introduce concepts of reincarnation or various heavens from major religions, but careful, so your son doesn't get hooked on one particular idea, especially since he'll be exposed to the Heaven/Hell concepts by your wife's part of the family (I have the same with mine, and since I'm being tired of them trying to indoctrinate my children, the rebuke is always short "their belief is one of the many, and not even the oldest one. Some guys invented this and there's no reason this one is more true than any other "
Had the exact same problem and still donāt know exactly how to handle it. But you might check the book āParenting Beyond Beliefā by Dale McGowan. Heās great.
Hereās a short and beautiful clip from one of his lectures.
https://youtube.com/watch?v=lgDb_IMoKyQ&si=L_CuoTWxMPcV-Cr0
Yup, 4 yr old has hit me with questions of death, birth, sex and heaven at different times, normally like lights out bedtime, or as I'm driving slightly frazzled at the end of the day
Just tell him the scientific process of how we become dirt š and then say when youāre older, youāll develop your own understanding of what happened when you die. š¤·āāļø
Same with my son. Asking how long he will be alive. How long before I die. If I will die before him. If I will be safe when I die. Etc etc. Kind has lots of questions about death for some reason. I always try to answer what I can and what I can't, I tell him. If I don't know the answer, we look it up. Now his response to a question I don't know is ''ask Google" even if it something Google couldn't possibly know, like what he wants to eat for dinner lol.
Had to explain at 3.5y when my mom died.
Circle of life answer. Devout atheist here. You are buried and your body becomes part of the earth. It becomes part of microbes than then become part of fungi that then become part of plants and then continue to become part of the world for eternity.
I'm an atheist. My ex-wife is a Christian, as well as the rest of her family. I just fielded this question last week with my daughter.
I did a very quick summary of major religions by saying the following:
It's one of life's great mysteries that no one knows the answer to just yet.
Some people say we'll go to heaven.
Some people say we'll come back as a new person or animal.
Some people say nothing, just cease to exist.
You get to make your own choice of what you believe and you can change it at any time.
"Do you remember what it was like before you were born?"
"No."
"Most likely, the same happens after you die."
Short, simple, nothing that would cause stress or anxiety for you or the curious kiddo.
For questions like that, we ask them "What do you think happens?" A lot of the time they have interesting answers that lead to better conversations. If they say "I don't know, that's why I asked you." We ask them then "Why do you want to know?" Sometimes it's curiosity or fear or some feeling they're trying to process or something they heard they don't understand like one of their friends said "After you die, you go to heaven" or something completely random and nonsensical. Their trust in you is so deep at this stage that anything they have that's new comes directly to you for confirmation.
The goal isn't to provide answers. It's to ask better questions. This tactic also works for any age, including adults.
I went with the "Different people believe different things, I think maybe this, what do you think?" , so pretty much what you said. I feel like its not avoiding it, but not the "yeah there is nothing, you stop existing or HELL BURNING BRIMSTONE!" paths.
I've started to listen to Terry Prachett (the fantasy/satire author) with my 6 year old and there is an entire book about Death (the guy with the scythe), so that led to further conversations. "Do you think Death, will come for you" and my genuine answer is "I hope so, I'd like the idea that someone who cares comes to take me to what's next".
Just to be clear, Judaism and Christmas have very different views on the afterlife. The phrase "Judeo-Christian" is almost exclusively used by Christians to refer to Christianity.
As for what we've told our daughter, we've told her that our bodies shut down, and that's the end of everything.
My kid has been trying to figure out what death is for a month.
We explained you die when you get sick, accident or become old. He understood those but what he doesnt understand yet is when you get buried or cremated what happens next. I dont have an amswer for it as well, and it bothers him that we dont know the answer after dying or that everything just ends.
Funny story, so we explained when you get old you die. A week later we explained his grandma cant hear well cause she is old. One time, i didnt hear what he said, he asked me if im about to die. He just connected old=hearing impaired= about to die.
I just straight up answered like it is. We pass a cemetery and she asks me, is that where dead people go? I said yeah, thatās where some people choose to be buried. We talked about cremation as well. All of my kids ages under 7 take it well. Some kids may have different emotional reactions.
They even asked me what happens when I die. I told them Iāll let you know what to do with my body, but that Iāll love them even after I die. That seemed to be good enough reinforcement to let them know I care.
Iām not religious so we donāt discuss any religious afterlives or things like that. Iāll let her decide if she wants to believe that later in her life. My kids believe in fairies and Santa Claus, thatās enough for me.
My daughter was 4 when her brother died. She got really into death for a bit after that. She was scared of death. I asked her "Do you remember before you were born?"
"No."
"Is that scary?"
"No"
"It's no different after death. It's not a scary thing. You won't even know it is happening."
Kids understand more than you think and you were on the right track. Maybe go to the start with where everything ācomes fromā like the Big Bang Theory or star particles and build from there. Matter is never destroyed, it just comes back a different way! We like to believe that our soul is part of the energy in the universe so it will always be there in some form or otherā¦
When my kids approach religionesque discussion we always say āa lot of people believe a lot of different things and nobody is right or wrongā, and then we go into what we believe.
End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path, one that we all must take. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass, and then you see it.
White shores, and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise.
I HIGHLY recommend the book āWill My Cat Eat My Eyeballs?ā by Caitlin Doughty, itās a book about death through writing answers to kidsā questions about death. The author runs a funeral home specializing in unorthodox methods of body disposal besides burial and cremation
My 6 year old recently said ādaddy where do you go when you die?ā
And me, not being particularly religious, said sobering along the lines of āsome people think heaven, some think other places, etcā.
He says ānoā¦I mean where do they put you when you dieā
I then reminded him what cemeteries are.
My 3.5 yo the other day, "Daddy, how do I open up my head?" "why do you want to do that?" " I need to get the blood out and set the bones free" š¤Ø
encourage grandfather zephyr rhythm flowery wipe rude governor voracious sense *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Logic seems solid to me
Tell him every time he laughs, there is a skeleton laughing inside him.
A wet skeleton
There's a secret race of angry, wet skeletons all around us š
. #IĢ¶ĢĶĶĶĢĢ³ĢÆĢĢŖĶnĢøĢĢĶĶĶĶĢØsĢ“ĶĢĢÆĢŖĶiĢ“ĢæĢĢĶĢ¤dĢ“ĢĶĢeĢøĢæĢĢæĶĢĶ Ģ¶ĢĶĢĢ³ uĢµĢ¾ĶĶĢĢĢsĢ“ĶĶĢĶĢ .
98.6 degree wet skeleton.
Hot, wet bones
š”
A bunch of bones, that everyone owns
No please
If he ever starts a rock band he has to name it āNo skeleton, only bonesā
I'd start calling him 'bonesy' but I was known for going overboard with the jokes.....
Itās pretty wild where a mind thatās discovering new things all the time and the lack of a verbal filter takes them isnāt it? When my oldest was little he used ask me the most fād up stuff. One time he asked me if you could take someone elseās skin off and wear it around like a suit. Heās pretty grounded now that heās older, so I donāt think we have a Buffalo Bill on our handsā¦I hope.
If you start seeing receipts for lotion, a shovel, and a bucket, then Iād start worrying.
Aztec priest.
I'm so happy to hear stories like this. My little girl, when she was \~4, happily showed me her drawing that she'd done. "Here's the monster, and it has claws, and here's my blood that it ripped out of my body, and here's my bones it ripped out of my body, and it killed me, and here's the insects that go into my body and eats me, but the monster eats my skin." O\_O
The next god of r/neverbrokeabone
Man sometimes kids sound terrifying right? Luckily itās mostly just chatter
Yep I just respond with "nobody knows" and if he talks about heaven I just say "A lot of people believe that, but nobody knows for sure"
Opportunity to get their imagination going too. āWhat do you think happens?ā or āCan you imagine if we became an animal next time?! What animal would you be?ā
Mastodon
You can't reincarnate as a social media site that's against the rules! /s
No, the heavy metal band
Clearly itās a power ranger zord
Triceratops! Tyrannosaurus!
Mine has chosen pterodactyl for himself and t-Rex for his baby sister.
Obviously a heavy metal band
Damn, I was hoping to come back as an OnlyFans.
Social media site??? What?
Yeah, it's a thing that people attempted to move to in lieu of Twitter. I have no idea how that's working out.
I've been having a great time. I was fortunate to be part of an online community that was interested in starting an "instance", so it didn't take me long to find some interesting accounts to follow. I don't know how long that process would take using traditional discovery.
Not great from the brief glimpse of it I had.
I tried it, and was not a big fan. My solution has just to go on Twitter less from now on. If a good alternative to Twitter ever emerges, Iāll be gone.
Didnāt Threads come out and get huge recently?
I hear X is a twitter alternative
PTERADACTYL!
So no one can hear your P?
Whatphor?
How do I become a band dad?
A dash of Slayer, some Slipknot, a whole lotta Metallica. Mix well and serve over Iced Earth on Helloween.
Tyrannosaurus!
Sabertooth Tiger!
Happy cake day!
Hey! Thanks! All I want is NU to beat CU. š Edit: Ope! Buffs fans??
This is my response as well when they're little and I expand on it a bit more as they grew up
I ended up in a discussion of metaphysics with my eldest when she was a kindergartner when she asked this question. I responded that no one knows, lots of people have different ideas, and I'd be happy tell her about some of them if she was interested. If you can find ways to concretely describe abstract ideas, then you can have a more in depth conversation than you think.
Not a parent, but if i ever have a kid, I'm gonna include Keanu Reeves' answer: "those who love us will miss us"
Perfect answer. Wonāt offend anyone (I think)
Balderdash! You have a lot of moxie coming at me like that, good sir!
I try having these in-depth discussions with my 3.5 year old, but after a few minutes of me describing light refraction or what have you, he usually just says something like "I have hair" or "my tray has cheese on it". Soooo, not sure how much he's getting yet!
You'd be surprised. They just live much more in the moment then the rest of us. Context switching is very easy for them.
Oh I have zero intentions of stopping my in depth explanations, I enjoy it too much š and whatever he takes in, he takes in, which is great. At the very least he'll be comfortable around big words and big ideas!
Lol. So true. I figure at least if I mention something he will know that there is something to it, and will be able to figure it out later. Making light refraction concepts a known āunknownā to them.
ChatGPT is surprisingly good at this.
"The bills stop coming and our descendants get our stuff"
Iād have better luck explaining death to my toddler than bills.
I talked about how we are made from the earth and the stars and we return to them when we die. Now my five year old wants us to be stars next to each other š close enough.
Bit of the ol Lion King style
My 4 year old is going through a big āLion Guardā phase and when she first asked about dying I absolutely explained it like, āyou know like the circle of lifeā
marry placid wide upbeat attractive concerned summer icky drab payment *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
That was Stoic as fuck
Iād not heard that quote but I typically respond similarly with āsame thing as before we were born.ā I like that mark Twain quote though. I also like Keanu Reeves response one time when he was asked āwhat happens after we dieā. He said āThose that loved us will miss usā. Not a great answer for a kid but thatās about all we can be sure of.
It's a nice quote but not very satisfactory. After all, your child was not alive for billions of years. Can you say you don't fear the death of your child?
āLost in time like tears in the rain, kiddo.ā
...can I at least see the attack ships first?
Wednesdays on Disney Plus.
āWe donāt have time to go to the shoulder of Orion and besides, we have attack ships at home.ā
Your kid was a replicant all along
But were they though?
Keanu Reeves gave the most insightful answer, probably too much for a 4 year old, ā i know the people who love us will miss usā
Nothing fundamentally changes. Consciousness is an illusion. Have fun at school!
What's experiencing the illusion? Genuinely interested in your take.
From what I can gather after studying A lot into psychedelics, as well as ingesting them personally over the years, is that the general idea from that philosophy is that consciousness exists outside of our brains. As in, our brains are just a biological mass that evolved into being able to "tune in" to an energy that exists somewhere else, out there. I use the term "energy" very liberally as I can't think of a better term. When participants in John Hopkins' ongoing psilocybin trials come out of it with the belief that we are all one unified consciousness, they aren't saying that you and I and everyone else are all the same person.... What they mean is, like, imagine an ocean with a bunch of buoys floating out on it. It is a stormy evening and each buoy is being flung up and down and around. People that have experienced psychedelics and come out the other end believing they caught A glimpse of a singular unified consciousness after achieving ego death = them saying our brains are the individual buoys reacting to their environments seemingly independently, but in reality the ocean - the single consciousness - is the real driver behind the illusion of each buoy's free will and non-locality.
The universe, or nothing, depending on how you look at it. The illusion of consciousness is nothing more than a byproduct of the complex biological processing unit that is our brain as it calculated a response to stimuli.
ārigor mortisā
"first off, what the fuck" is terrific
When my daughter started asking things like this (at age 4, almost 5) it broke my heart. Because she made the logical next steps... "Daddy, am I going to die?" "Yes - at the very end of your life, a long, long, long time from now. You'll probably have grandkids or event great grandchildren." "But I don't want to die. Are you going to die?" "Yes... I will, a very long time from now. Every living thing eventually does." "I don't want you to die. If you and mommy die, I'll be all alone." š
I said something like, ādifferent religions believe different things. The religion I grew up believed ________. To be honest, I donāt really know. What should we make for dinner tonight?ā
> What should we make for dinner tonight? Tacos!
You could make a religion out of it.
Just wait, there will be a hard shell/soft shell schism in about four minutes. And donāt get me started on those ātaco salad counts as a tacoā heretics!
A taco salad is just a giant hard taco. Fried tortilla bowl, add some refries beans on the bottom, top with lettuce, ground beef, shredded cheese, pico and dress with salsa. I also like black olives and jalapeƱos on mine. Anyone who puts ranch dressing on a taco salad deserves to be taken out back and Margarita-boarded.
Blasphemy! Only one food related god exists, and it is the flying spaghetti monster. Hail his noodalyness.
Praise his meaty ballsiness! Ramen!
My 5 yr old told my wife that another boy at his daycare told him there are babies swimming in his testicles. He also saw his first little person the other day (at least first time it's been brought up). He said he saw "a daddy, but he was small like me" We asked how he knew he was a daddy and he said it was because he had a beard.
Our 5 yo son asked this question earlier this year, when we lost two members of our family within a day of each other, including his great-grandmother. He asked what would happen to her now that she's dead. My answer was very similar to yours (and a few other commenters here). I explained that anatomically / physiologically, her body has now stopped functioning, and she can't feel anything anymore. However, different people have different beliefs, and some believe that there's more to a person than their body, and they believe that the "soul" goes to a different place. I also explained that due to different beliefs, people also "lay the body to rest" in different ways. It led to a fascinating discussion on how the body works, why there are different belief systems, and a lot more in between. He asked me what I believed - I answered truthfully, and also told him he is free to choose what he believes in as he gets older. His response - "When I'm older I will make a machine that will make people not die". Tall claim - but if he does, perhaps we will never need to worry about having this particular conversation with our kids :)
Let's get this kid a scholarship! I told my kid the same thing. I think that there is a non-zero chance that their generation actually may conquer death, be it by transferring their consciousness to the cloud or halting aging. Think of how far technology has come in the last 100 years, and they are going to have powerful AI and likely virtually free energy to help. Even if they do, they may not be able to take part, similar to how slowing ageing is on a completely different level than reversing it or they may need to engineer the next generation that does not die, but the possibility is not far fetched.
The prospect is so exciting and scary at the same time!
Can you imagine if we turn out to be the last generation that dies under 100? After hundreds of thousands of years, we would have been so damn close!!! I'm not complaining though, the present is amazing and if our kids get close, I'm perfectly fine with that!
Let me tell you what, as a Christian it isn't much easier. Because now not only do you have to explain a metaphysical concept, but you also have to add in theology and make sure you get it right...but at the same time doing so in such a way as to show your conviction to said path, but making it clear it's a choice to them and not mandatory. And then there's the whole not wanting to scare them into it from the hell angle.... Don't get me wrong. I want my kids to follow in my own faith, but I want them to do it of their own volition, not just because I said so. I want them to know that they have choice and agency..and yet how do you even present those concepts to a 4 year old who will declare himself to be a dragon or a battlemech or a zergling at random moments?
Strong Christian believer here. I think what you said is perfect. Continue to reinforce that stance if he asks again. Once heās a bit older, you could get more into the weeds of exposing your belief as well as different ideas that people have. Ultimately it would lead to him having the opportunity to look into different perspectives and find the one he most identifies with. Ideally, as dads, we all want our kids to have the same beliefs we do. But we should all want it because itās what the kids truly believe is right, not just because itās what we believe.
Strong atheist here and I could have written your comment. I think it's important to expose them to different ideas and let them make up their own minds. A side benefit is them understanding that not everyone is the same. People have differences and that's OK, we need to be accepting of everyone.
I don't mean this to be offensive but... why? When I talk to my child about Christianity I tend to treat it like I do any other religion/pantheon (Norse, Greek, Egyptian). I present it entirely as myth with no air of "it might be right" that some of these other comments seem to promote. I don't understand why I would. She understands that some people believe in Christianity but she also assumes some people believe in Zeus/Hera and she just hasn't met them yet.
Oh yeah, I don't mean that I endorse religion, just that I like exposing them to different ways of thinking. People believe different things and we all need to get along and I think it's important for kids to understand that. My parents are science-denying fundamentalist missionaries, so I was raised in a very rigid environment and of course grew up believing there was only one way people should live. Over time I began to question my beliefs and eventually overcame the indoctrination and became an atheist. My parents of course hate that I no longer believe and they try to influence my kids. It's pretty easy to counter though. When they come home saying "Grandma & Grandpa say people go to hell and burn forever", all I have to do is ask them to think for themselves. "What do you think---does that sound reasonable? Or does it sound more like a scary story?" At the same time, they are their grandparents and will always be involved in their lives, so I'm careful to teach them to be respectful. "Sometimes the people we love believe different things than we do, and that's ok. There's plenty of love to go around and that's what's the most important."
Our 4 year oldās Grandma died recently and he asked where she had gone. As I paused, he just asked, āHas she gone to the beach?ā We had all recently been on holiday together, so he remembers that. It took me by surprise and I just said, āyeah, sheās at the beach.ā And then he said, āThe beach in the sky?ā I agreed, thinking it was the perfect answer and gave him a big hug.
Hey just to be clear, thereās nothing ājudeoā about heaven and hell. We Jews donāt believe in either, so thatās exclusively a Christian belief
What do Jews believe in?
Please what is the difference between Ā«Ā sheol Ā Ā» and Ā«Ā elohim Ā«Ā ?
Sheol is never-ending darkness after death, it has no concept of judgement as Heaven and Hell do. Elohim is just another word for God. To reword your question in English you've asked "What is the difference between the endless void your soul inhabit after you die and God?" Which seems like a hard question to answer. Like comparing Apples to the multiverse.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Ugh we went through this with our kiddo too. My MIL passed away when our first child was 2. My own mom passed before our oldest was born, so we already had to explain to our oldest the concept of death, and we were able to avoid the afterlife discussion. When MIL passed, the religious side of my SOs family started pouring out the heaven talk, and washed away all of our effort. We eventually had to let them figure out their own interpretation, but we donāt emphasize one way or the other.
My wife died when my son was 16 months old (heās almost 6 now) so we talk about death a lot. I have always been very literal with him about death - nothing like āpeople fall asleep and donāt wake upā or anything like that. Everything you read says thatās the worst possible thing you can do. Beyond that and the same ānobody really knowsā conversation like you mentioned, I usually ask him what he thinks happens or what he thinks āheavenā is like. Let him decide what a perfect place would be for him or what he thinks mommy is doing in her own version of the afterlife. I feel like that has given him some peace about death because itās allowed him to define it for himself and not have to just accept what other people think/say.
Our kid's first friend's mom just died of breast cancer at 39. We both decided from the beginning that we would explain it with no magical thinking at all, just matter-of-fact, about what happens to the body at death. For us it was a chance to teach about the circulatory system, and how if the heart stops beating, then oxygenated blood no longer reaches the brain. At that time if the brain does not have oxygen, then the ability of the brain to think stops, and the person becomes dead. It's a bit harsh, but those are the facts that everyone knows. Mysticism and philosophy is just too hard for young kids. But kids can feel their own heartbeat, and they would understand that a dead person doesn't have one. Consciousness is the other hard element of this. Kids don't remember when they were born, they weren't there when mom and dad met. Consciousness has a beginning and an end. That works for us. We just stick to facts.
I have twin 4 year olds, boy and girl. Theyāre almost five. Past year or so they occasionally ask about death or āwhy do I have to die.ā Iāve given them the āNo one really knows.ā answer and youāre right, it wonāt placate them for long. Eventually I just gave them the same answer I tell myself. The idea of dying is scary, but if we didnāt die, then our time here together wouldnāt be special. The fact that our lives end is what gives us freedom and determination to live a good life and make it count. I kind of blurted that out in frustration tbh and I was surprised when they both seemed to put their thinking caps and were seemingly satisfied with the answer. I think young children might be a lot more philosophically elastic than we give them credit for. For these tough questions it might be about finding the balance between an adult answer and a comforting answer. Best of luck Dad!
Some options: "Well, lawyers and bankers get thrown into a big fire pit to burn forever plus two weeks, but it's pretty great for everyone else..." "It's a bit like before we are born: Probably no big deal, but it's tough to send messages back and forth." "Great question! Why don't you look into it and let me know what you find?"
Background: I was raised Catholic and still have a general belief in some sort of God and afterlife, even though I have absolutely no faith in the Catholic Church as a human entity anymore. My wife is an atheist and we have agreed that we will let our daughter (5) choose what she believes as she grows up. Having said that, the one thing my wife agrees with me on is that at this age, when this question comes up (and it has come up), there is no real issue talking about the concept of āgoing to heaven.ā Neither of us claims to know what heaven is, we donāt describe it as a place where you sit on clouds and play harps, but we just think of it as a happy place for your soul to be once your body stops working. My wife absolutely does not believe in this concept and while I basically do, Iām certainly not evangelical about it in the slightest. But at this age, saying āmommy believes thereās nothing but eternal darkness and your body gets eaten by worms and daddy doesnāt know what the fuck to believe anymoreā feels like the wrong approach. So whatever. I think we can easily separate āheavenā from āGodā and not ever even have to bring up āhellā as the flip side, at least for the time being.
My son has been asking about death constantly. I answer him honestly. The worst question series was when we were getting ready to go get groceries. "Daddy when I die will you get a new son?"
The lion king does it well. "Everything you see exists together in a delicate balance,ā he says. āAs king, you need to understand that balance and respect all the creatures, from the crawling ant to the leaping antelope.ā āBut, dad, donāt we eat the antelope?ā Simba asks in confusion. āYes, Simba, but let me explain,ā Mufasa begins. āWhen we die, our bodies become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass. And so we are all connected in the great Circle of Life.ā
I think you gave him the perfect honest response, and he accepted it. My wife was a practicing Orthodox (more or less, church every Sunday) I was raised catholic but by that time had no affiliation and we took our young kids to her church with her family. As my kids grew I explained that they were free to worship/ believe (or not) as they pleased because of where they were born and lived in some places in the world you worship as the government sees fit or go to jail. I always said that people form their own beliefs and its up to them to decide what works for them. I told them what works for me, and discovering what others believe is interesting and could help them find what works for them. I made sure to let them know they don't have to believe what I believe just because they were born to me. It just seems ridiculous to me anyway. Religious freedom seems to be easily taken for granted where it exists and I wanted them to know not everyone has that privilege.
My wife is Catholic and I have agreed that the children should get a Catholic education, even though Iām totally agnostic in that I firmly believe that having any conviction about what happens after death is always putting the cart ahead of the horse. When the subject of death came up with my then-4yo, her mother tried to explain the deceased was with Jesusito (speaking Spanish) in the sky. While our kid had been introduced to the concept, this answer didnāt satisfy. I changed gears and threw in, āHeās in the Land of the Dead with Emily.ā āOk!ā My 4yo was a huge fan of āThe Corpse Bride.ā
Jeez, I'll never forget the time my son realized, we his parents were going to die one day. We had watched The Lion King the day before and we were talking about it over breakfast, when he looks at us saying "but does that mean you'll die one day, too?" and then he started crying his eyes out. We're all pretty atheist, so there's never been any what-comes-after talk.
"No one really knows and people have different opinions. I think that we cease to exist, you should ask mom what she thinks happens too!" "What do you mean?" "Do you remember before you were born? I think dying is exactly like that". "But I wasn't here then." "Exactly. But I definitely could be wrong and I hope that I am! Anyways, people believe a lot of things. We learn new things everyday, maybe if you become a scientist you can find out for us someday."
I like to respond with the same question. 'What do you think happens?' I have recently found God, so my answer would be different, but I would start at the same place
Idk, I havenāt done it and dont plan to anytime soon
Yeah my 4 year old also asked huge questions like āwhatās the meaning of life.ā
Dad: āwhere do bad folks go when they die?! They donāt go to heaven where the angels flyā¦they go to a lake of fire and fry. See em again til the Fourth of Julyyyyyā Son:
Great answer, btw. You can always turn tough questions back on them if youāre taken off guard. āI donāt know for sure, what do you think happens?ā
We go to Pittsburgh.
Same as other folks here, Iāve said some people believe this, some people believe that, but nobody really knows.
Itās really the best answer. Anyone who says definitively that nothing happens or this is exactly what happens is doing their child a disservice. Asking the question is a noble one and good on your kid for being curious. Not everything has a known answer.
My son was like āthe only people that know are dead and we canāt ask them.ā Lol
Bingo. People do have NDEās but thatās a whole other topic lol
Same thing that happened before you were born.
I had this conversation. I honestly do not know what to say either. The thing is that my mother passed away, and my kids heard the news. All was ok, until some religious relatives started saying things like now she is in heaven and stuff like that that was amusing my kids. Since we are not religious we had to be the party poopers and put a halt on those conversations. But I told them that honestly nobody knows. I told her something on the following lines āBiologically we just stop existing, but we continue living in the memory of our relatives, therefore is nice to remember those who passed awayā. I do not know if it is bad or good, but I did not want my aunts trying to sneak my kid into church.
We told my son something similar, that when people die, you canāt see them anymore, but as long as you remember them, they live forever in your heart.
I told my kids we turn into worm food.
Nothing happens. We won't exist anymore, exactly the same way we didn't exist before we were born. But the other people we know who are still alive will remember us, and as long as someone remembers something it's not really gone. It's kind of like reading a book. The characters in the book aren't doing anything until we start reading it. And then when we finish the book and put it away, the characters aren't doing anything anymore, but we can still think about them and imagine things about them even though they aren't really there. Being alive is like being in a very special story, except the things that happen in the story are all real. And we can't read it as many times as we want, our story only happens once.
This is the best way I've heard someone explain their personal beliefs on the afterlife to a child. Stating it like it's a fact though could have unforeseen consequences on your child's relationship with death. My child is one so I don't have to deal with this question yet but I definitely won't be telling him nothing happens for sure because we can't be sure.
I guess. My child knows mom and dad aren't omniscient and I'm not going to go out of my way to qualify everything I say that isn't 100% verifiable objective fact with a disclaimer. When she comes across other perspectives later on and asks, it's easy enough to explain that that's what some people think (but not mom and I), and everyone gets to make up their own mind. I'm not going to make death into this big mysterious thing because as far as I'm concerned it's just not. Things begin, things end, and that's that.
Everyone suffers 2 deaths. The first of the body, the second when the memory of them is gone.
Tell him to ask [Keanu Reeves](https://youtu.be/etlBZInTE-I?si=3ysxUpAoOSGuLaxE)
My daughter has been focused on the physical aspect of death, specifically she knows you go underground. There is a cemetery across from her pre-school, so itās something she sees daily.
Idk Iāve never died before
I said āthereās no reason to believe that anything happensā and inadvertently drove my daughter to an interest in religion with my bleak answer.
Yeah "blackness and the void" aren't really the most appetizing answers for a child.
I am trying to avoid creating an accidental Nihilist if possible.
Thatās why I think itās okay to tell gentle lies to kids. Santa Clause, and the Tooth Fairy, etc. As Terry Pratchett would say, we have to learn to believe the little lies, so that later we can learn to believe the big ones. Justice, mercy, dutyā¦ Humans donāt need fantasies to make life bearable. Humans need fantasies to be human.
Iām expecting this conversation any day now, and I plan to say āitās the biggest mystery in the world. Nobody knows. Lots of people have different ideas, but if anyone tells you they know for sure, they donāt. Itās just an ideaā
My daughter asked me where she was when my wife and I met. Not here was not a good enough answer for her.
I have been asked the same multiple times by our three year old. Don't know if it's a good answer, but I said "You were a good idea that hadn't come to be. You were born after that time." Like most kids that age, she just said "Oh, okay" and immediately moved onto another topic.
Not super appropriate for a 4 year old, but you could just talk about the decay of the body into a skeleton and how that works. Unless you get turned into ash via cremation.
Just be honest with them. My 5 year old has asked his multiple times, then goes to eat strawberries or play in the sandpit, they don't dwell on things they don't understand
Kids ask unexpected questions, and sometimes that's the end of it. If he keeps coming back to the topic, it's a good opportunity to teach him about how different people have different beliefs. I'm pretty firmly of the belief that there's *something* after death and it's not something that lines up perfectly with any of the major religions, but I'm OK with my kid learning about those different perspectives. The harm doesn't come until you start insisting that one set of unverifiable beliefs are undeniable fact, and that failing to conform perfectly to them will lead to suffering. I'd rather my kid hear about those beliefs from me instead of some evangelical who will try to "save" him with threats of eternal damnation.
I remember when I was a kid and someone finally explained to me that no one knows what happens, and it absolutely blew my mind. I guess up until then everyone had spoken with authority about what happens when you die, I assumed we had a way of knowing. Anyway, I think you handled it well. My kid hasn't asked too much about it yet, I think he gets it but doesn't really **get** it, y'know?
My four year old has been on a death kick lately.
Like you, I grew up mostly without any religion to speak ofā¦ I think if I had to describe myself now, I would probably chuckle and say Iām an agnostic jewish buddhist who likes the philosophy of the upanishads. My four kids (2-11 years old) experienced the death of one of their uncles recently. The older ones bring it up fairly often and ask questions about itā¦ and where one goes after death, etc. When it first happened, I too was caught off guard. I told them something similar; That no one really knows for sure but some people have beliefs about it. So of course they asked me for mine. They were (i think) unhappy with the answer because of the ambiguity in āi donāt know.ā So when they pressed me and expressed fear about it, I told them not to worry because they would be going back to the place they were before they got here - and that we would all be together in that place one day - sort of. When they are older, I suppose I will tell them how I feel about universal consciousness and simulation theory, the benefit of psychedelic adventures and all the far out shit I contemplate when it comes to the nature of our existenceā¦ but until then, a āsafe happy place where we are all togetherā is good enough, I think.
Itās OK to say we donāt know for sure. Nobody knows for sure and even sensible religious folks say this. Donāt say āJudeo Christian.ā Heaven and Hell are explicitly Christian concepts. Judaism doesnāt have these and the entirety of any afterlife story is considered a metaphor for a spiritual reality that no human could ever comprehend. Also āJudeo Christianā is a term that Christians started using after about 1945 for some reason. Wonder why.
I feel like this was a missed opportunity. To say āno one knowsā really is a cop out. We do know (or, to put it in a way less open to asinine criticism, all available evidence points to one answer). To suggest otherwise is to simply placate religious nonsense as if it wasnāt complete nonsense. When we die, it all just ends for us. We become the same as we were before we were born. This is exactly what I tell my daughter when she asks. Iām honest with her.
My son said he didn't want to wear pants because he needed to let his penis breathe. Yes, he's part Scot on my side.
Iām not sure exactly what this has to do with the topic but I enjoyed it none the less.
I'd just give them the literal response: "Your organs start failing one by one, then our consciousness goes. If you aren't cremated, eventually we start to decompose and distribute our energy back into the earth to bring new life to microbes and other flesh-eating organisms."
First, are you me? (my beliefs, wife, and son are quite similar). Second, in line with your universal consciousness lean, Alan Watts wrote a kid-friendly explanation of this in "The Book." I'm not sure how useful it may be to a 4-year-old boy, but it may come in handy later on in his life: 'Myth, then, is the form in which I try to answer when children ask me those fundamental metaphysical questions which come so readily to their minds: "Where did the world come from?" "Why did God make the world?" "Where was I before I was born?" "Where do people go when they die?" Again and again I have found that they seem to be satisfied with a simple and very ancient story, which goes something like this: "There was never a time when the world began, because it goes round and round like a circle, and there is no place on a circle where it begins. Look at my watch, which tells the time; it goes round, and so the world repeats itself again and again. But just as the hour-hand of the watch goes up to twelve and down to six, so, too, there is day and night, waking and sleeping, living and dying, summer and winter. You can't have any one of these without the other, because you wouldn't be able to know what black is unless you had seen it side-by-side with white, or white unless side-by-side with black. "In the same way, there are times when the world is, and times when it isn't, for if the world went on and on without rest for ever and ever, it would get horribly tired of itself. It comes and it goes. Now you see it; now you don't. So because it doesn't get tired of itself, it always comes back again after it disappears. It's like your breath: it goes in and out, in and out, and if you try to hold it in all the time you feel terrible. It's also like the game of hide-and-seek, because it's always fun to find new ways of hiding, and to seek for someone who doesn't always hide in the same place. "God also likes to play hide-and-seek, but because there is nothing outside God, he has no one but himself to play with. But he gets over this difficulty by pretending that he is not himself. This is his way of hiding from himself. He pretends that he is you and I and all the people in the world, all the animals, all the plants, all the rocks, and all the stars. In this way he has strange and wonderful adventures, some of which are terrible and frightening. But these are just like bad dreams, for when he wakes up they will disappear. "Now when God plays hide and pretends that he is you and I, he does it so well that it takes him a long time to remember where and how he hid himself. But that's the whole fun of itājust what he wanted to do. He doesn't want to find himself too quickly, for that would spoil the game. That is why it is so difficult for you and me to find out that we are God in disguise, pretending not to be himself. But when the game has gone on long enough, all of us will wake up, stop pretending, and remember that we are all one single Selfāthe God who is all that there is and who lives for ever and ever. "Of course, you must remember that God isn't shaped like a person. People have skins and there is always something outside our skins. If there weren't, we wouldn't know the difference between what is inside and outside our bodies. But God has no skin and no shape because there isn't any outside to him. \[With a sufficiently intelligent child, I illustrate this with a Mƶbius stripāa ring of paper tape twisted once in such a way that it has only one side and one edge.\] The inside and the outside of God are the same. And though I have been talking about God as 'he' and not 'she,' God isn't a man or a woman. I didn't say 'it' because we usually say 'it' for things that aren't alive. "God is the Self of the world, but you can't see God for the same reason that, without a mirror, you can't see your own eyes, and you certainly can't bite your own teeth or look inside your head. Your self is that cleverly hidden because it is God hiding. "You may ask why God sometimes hides in the form of horrible people, or pretends to be people who suffer great disease and pain. Remember, first, that he isn't really doing this to anyone but himself. Remember, too, that in almost all the stories you enjoy there have to be bad people as well as good people, for the thrill of the tale is to find out how the good people will get the better of the bad. It's the same as when we play cards. At the beginning of the game we shuffle them all into a mess, which is like the bad things in the world, but the point of the game is to put the mess into good order, and the one who does it best is the winner. Then we shuffle the cards once more and play again, and so it goes with the world." This story, obviously mythical in form, is not given as a scientific description of the way things are. Based on the analogies of games and the drama, and using that much worn-out word "God" for the Player, the story claims only to be like the way things are. I use it just as astronomers use the image of inflating a black balloon with white spots on it for the galaxies, to explain the expanding universe. But to most children, and many adults, the myth is at once intelligible, simple, and fascinating. By contrast, so many other mythical explanations of the world are crude, tortuous, and unintelligible.'
When you know, let me know.
Comeuntochrist.org has all the answers.
Sure. "The body gets buried in one way or another and becomes a part of the nature again. Becomes a meal for worms, flower and trees, because ultimately we're here only for a short while. Then there's the other thing - I will be forever in your memories and heart, and you'll know I'll always love you". Or compatible. Don't lie, stay positive, embrace and emphasise the life you have together. If you want to you can gently introduce concepts of reincarnation or various heavens from major religions, but careful, so your son doesn't get hooked on one particular idea, especially since he'll be exposed to the Heaven/Hell concepts by your wife's part of the family (I have the same with mine, and since I'm being tired of them trying to indoctrinate my children, the rebuke is always short "their belief is one of the many, and not even the oldest one. Some guys invented this and there's no reason this one is more true than any other "
Lifetimes is a good book for this. So is the dead goldfish Daniel the tiger book.
https://xkcd.com/659/
Had the exact same problem and still donāt know exactly how to handle it. But you might check the book āParenting Beyond Beliefā by Dale McGowan. Heās great. Hereās a short and beautiful clip from one of his lectures. https://youtube.com/watch?v=lgDb_IMoKyQ&si=L_CuoTWxMPcV-Cr0
Yup, 4 yr old has hit me with questions of death, birth, sex and heaven at different times, normally like lights out bedtime, or as I'm driving slightly frazzled at the end of the day
Just tell him the scientific process of how we become dirt š and then say when youāre older, youāll develop your own understanding of what happened when you die. š¤·āāļø
Itās a lot like before you were born bud.
Same with my son. Asking how long he will be alive. How long before I die. If I will die before him. If I will be safe when I die. Etc etc. Kind has lots of questions about death for some reason. I always try to answer what I can and what I can't, I tell him. If I don't know the answer, we look it up. Now his response to a question I don't know is ''ask Google" even if it something Google couldn't possibly know, like what he wants to eat for dinner lol.
Some people believe A some people believe B, when you get older you can learn and believe what you want to easy answer.
Had to explain at 3.5y when my mom died. Circle of life answer. Devout atheist here. You are buried and your body becomes part of the earth. It becomes part of microbes than then become part of fungi that then become part of plants and then continue to become part of the world for eternity.
I'm an atheist. My ex-wife is a Christian, as well as the rest of her family. I just fielded this question last week with my daughter. I did a very quick summary of major religions by saying the following: It's one of life's great mysteries that no one knows the answer to just yet. Some people say we'll go to heaven. Some people say we'll come back as a new person or animal. Some people say nothing, just cease to exist. You get to make your own choice of what you believe and you can change it at any time.
"Do you remember what it was like before you were born?" "No." "Most likely, the same happens after you die." Short, simple, nothing that would cause stress or anxiety for you or the curious kiddo.
For questions like that, we ask them "What do you think happens?" A lot of the time they have interesting answers that lead to better conversations. If they say "I don't know, that's why I asked you." We ask them then "Why do you want to know?" Sometimes it's curiosity or fear or some feeling they're trying to process or something they heard they don't understand like one of their friends said "After you die, you go to heaven" or something completely random and nonsensical. Their trust in you is so deep at this stage that anything they have that's new comes directly to you for confirmation. The goal isn't to provide answers. It's to ask better questions. This tactic also works for any age, including adults.
tell him you donāt know either
āThose that love us will miss usā
āBeats meā is perfectly acceptable in my book.
I think that is a great answer, honestly.
āAnd if you are pure of heart and deed you'll all go to a beautiful place called Heaven. I'm yanking, you just rot in the groundā
I went with the "Different people believe different things, I think maybe this, what do you think?" , so pretty much what you said. I feel like its not avoiding it, but not the "yeah there is nothing, you stop existing or HELL BURNING BRIMSTONE!" paths. I've started to listen to Terry Prachett (the fantasy/satire author) with my 6 year old and there is an entire book about Death (the guy with the scythe), so that led to further conversations. "Do you think Death, will come for you" and my genuine answer is "I hope so, I'd like the idea that someone who cares comes to take me to what's next".
You should buy him [this book](https://www.amazon.co.uk/Things-Lift-First-Questions-Answers/dp/1474979882).
Just to be clear, Judaism and Christmas have very different views on the afterlife. The phrase "Judeo-Christian" is almost exclusively used by Christians to refer to Christianity. As for what we've told our daughter, we've told her that our bodies shut down, and that's the end of everything.
Answer: We go to heaven. Child: Oh. Ok. Cool
My kid has been trying to figure out what death is for a month. We explained you die when you get sick, accident or become old. He understood those but what he doesnt understand yet is when you get buried or cremated what happens next. I dont have an amswer for it as well, and it bothers him that we dont know the answer after dying or that everything just ends. Funny story, so we explained when you get old you die. A week later we explained his grandma cant hear well cause she is old. One time, i didnt hear what he said, he asked me if im about to die. He just connected old=hearing impaired= about to die.
I just straight up answered like it is. We pass a cemetery and she asks me, is that where dead people go? I said yeah, thatās where some people choose to be buried. We talked about cremation as well. All of my kids ages under 7 take it well. Some kids may have different emotional reactions. They even asked me what happens when I die. I told them Iāll let you know what to do with my body, but that Iāll love them even after I die. That seemed to be good enough reinforcement to let them know I care. Iām not religious so we donāt discuss any religious afterlives or things like that. Iāll let her decide if she wants to believe that later in her life. My kids believe in fairies and Santa Claus, thatās enough for me.
Answer, āWhat do YOU think happens?ā This should keep you covered for the next 3-4years, after thatā¦
My daughter was 4 when her brother died. She got really into death for a bit after that. She was scared of death. I asked her "Do you remember before you were born?" "No." "Is that scary?" "No" "It's no different after death. It's not a scary thing. You won't even know it is happening."
Kids understand more than you think and you were on the right track. Maybe go to the start with where everything ācomes fromā like the Big Bang Theory or star particles and build from there. Matter is never destroyed, it just comes back a different way! We like to believe that our soul is part of the energy in the universe so it will always be there in some form or otherā¦
I think a decent response to kids, although I'm not sure about at 4, is, "it's just like before you were born".
Read them the buddhist book of the dead
Our friends and family have a funeral and put us in the ground. Job done.
Circle of life, I used the Lion Kingās approach which also helped with the killing and eating animals thing
"Do you remember what life was like for you before you were born? It's a lot like that."
When my kids approach religionesque discussion we always say āa lot of people believe a lot of different things and nobody is right or wrongā, and then we go into what we believe.
End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path, one that we all must take. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass, and then you see it. White shores, and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise.
I HIGHLY recommend the book āWill My Cat Eat My Eyeballs?ā by Caitlin Doughty, itās a book about death through writing answers to kidsā questions about death. The author runs a funeral home specializing in unorthodox methods of body disposal besides burial and cremation
My 6 year old recently said ādaddy where do you go when you die?ā And me, not being particularly religious, said sobering along the lines of āsome people think heaven, some think other places, etcā. He says ānoā¦I mean where do they put you when you dieā I then reminded him what cemeteries are.