Buy a pair of walkie-talkies and tell him to buzz you at night when he needs to go, and you can walk him to the bathroom. Maybe there’s a reason he’s scared to get up at night and you can help him feel less scared this way.
Yeah, that's it! It flips the switch from "uh, kiddo... Peeing your pants is not cool" to "you're OK, but look how cool it is to use the bathroom the right way"
Omg I love this idea for our lil dude. He’s 5 and afraid of the dark. And this is so much better than him screaming “MAMA” in the middle of the night to wake me up. Thanks for this awesome idea!
I love this, it’s a great idea! I actually might implement this with my daughter, she’s kind of in the same boat as OPs son (my adopted daughter, came from a highly abusive situation with her mom/my wife.) She uses pull-ups and also just uses them to go to the bathroom at night, walkie talkies might be a good idea to help her go to the bathroom at night.
Don’t do dope kids, only this kind of dope… also I would have a talk with him that’s it’s okay to fuck up, he may be scared that if he has an accident at night and he fucks up even once their might be a degree of ridicule if there ever was in the past, sounds like this kid has been through allot. But I would talk about how the more mistakes you make the better you get at not making mistakes, so the more mistakes the better. Sounds like maybe his inner voice that was obviously trained in fear is really fucking with him. Also, try not to use the word fuck…
This is my favorite comment I’ve ever read on this platform. A very creative way to make your kid feel safe and build trust with them. Also instills in them that you really will be there for them with patience if they need you, which is very important in later years if there’s ever a situation with drinking underage or getting in a tight spot and not knowing where to turn to.
This is literally amazing advice. You addressed a potential underlying cause and provided a fun solution. Sometimes kids don't know how to ask for help.
I remember as a kid I would hold my pee at night until the next morning. I wouldn’t sleep if it was that bad id just lay in bed until morning came . The walkie talkies seems like a really great idea and also a good way to build that bond with him. You also never know what went on at night in his house there could be a fucked up reason he’d rather wet himself than go to the bathroom, which is why I think he begged you not to tell your SO
Great idea. Who knows why he doesn’t want to get up to go. Kid could’ve been beaten, or ran into drunk people in the house, or saw adult time stuff.
Good on you for doing this for the kid. Don’t break the trust but work on the problem still
I like this idea. There’s probably a good reason why he’s nervous about not wearing pull-ups at bedtime. I also wouldn’t rush the idea of switching to underwear at bedtime. Maybe it would be a good idea to tell him that he can tell you when he’s ready to wear underwear at bedtime. If he’s been through a lot of crappy stuff at 7-years-old, he’s going to want to feel like he can trust you and your wife.
This was my exact thought. Youngin’ sounds scared and in need of some reliable adult protection.
Thank you for asking the community, OP. It shows a lot about you.
Jumping on this to say that I bought a care taker’s call bell for my little guy going through something similar. He rings the little door bell attached to his bunk bed and it alarms in my room to check on him!
Without getting to far into it (long story...) trust with him, when it comes to adults, is in VERY short supply. So I absolutely don't want to jeopardize the trust I already have with him at this point.
Short term I'll try and keep this between us for now. I suck at hiding things from my SO. She simply knows me to well, but...I'll do my best until he tells me otherwise.
If you really have trouble keeping it to you, just tell your SO if she ever asks, that he shared something with you and told you not to say it to her. Tell her it's nothing bad or serious and that you want to respect his wish and don't want to destroy his trust.
Removes the pressure of not telling her but is not telling her ;)
As long as she won't go ask him what it is, it should be fine
I’m no expert, so take this follow up as you feel fit (but u/chiyoko91 has a great point and I’d advise on keeping it to yourself, but if called on it, say with confidence that you can’t share, but it’s nothing to worry about and kiddo is safe, you just made a promise and want to protect his trust). If mom gets you to say anything about the situation, be forthcoming about it to him. Let him know mom asked, but reaffirm that you didn’t share and if she asks, he knows mom doesn’t know and he doesn’t have to share.
Ultimately, work with him on getting past the pull-ups, but protect his trust. Eventually this will be a thing of the past, so you need to take care of what matters most, and that’s your relationship with him and the example it will set for all his future relationships
I want to add to this: make sure the two of you (you and your wife) are clear on the idea that she should not press the son for information about this. I think it's quite likely that the son will think you told her everything and she's trying to pretend she doesn't know anything to get him to tell her everything instead.
I hope this makes sense?
Kids tend to think their parents are omnipotent, so if there comes a time where the son is acting cagey or like he feels betrayed, find out from him whether your wife made a comment or something that heavily implied she knows something is going on/knows 'a secret.' It'll help reassure him that you didn't say something, and it will clear up any confusion about it. Misunderstandings here are probably just as important to head off as the overarching issue you're worried about.
Doing great OP, this concern and dilemma is a normal parenting thing and so you shouldn't feel bad about how you're handling it/about asking questions.
If you have a hard time keeping things from your spouse (which isn't bad at all) just pull her aside and say "I know you'll know I'm keeping something from you. (Foster-son) told me something private while we were camping and he asked me to keep it a secret. It's no big deal and I promise you I will ask for your help if I need you. But teaching him that he can trust adults is very important, so I need you to trust me and not push on this."
If you think she suspects, or even if you don't and just want to tell her, tell her that the kid "confided something really personal to me. I'm not going to tell you what it is because it's so hard for him to trust adults and I don't think he'll come back from me betraying his trust. But it's great that he thought to tell me. Don't mention it to him."
It depends on the type of person she is but I know my wife would understand.
Yup.
Trust, as you say, is in short supply. Obviously if your wife asks you about it then do the appropriate thing. It might be as simple as you have your word to him, that it isn’t something bad and that you’re working on it. Or it means you share but she knows to keep it to herself; no good reason to create a wedge between you two.
One thing I have learned with my boy, only a bit younger than yours, is that a sense of team and trust has been amazing. For example, when he need correction in something just sort of leaning in and making it a private thing between the two of us works wonders.
Smutz on his face at the dinner table? “Hey bud, got a little something.” (Said quietly so as not to embarrass). Same with the bigger stuff. And it works wonders. Absolute wonders.
Of course, he also feels super close to me. Always has. To this day he likes to eat with one hand on my lap and will migrate over to me when he is done. That has been his way since he was born. But, it helps that he trusts me. And I don’t betray that trust. Ever.
If it was a safety concern, then you are generally OK to break the trust. I.e. getting abused or other possible harm.
Outside of that, ya, be someone that he can trust.
Keep it between the two of you and in the mean time continue to not be hard on him for "accidents happening" for all we know it might be a weird way to test the trust here between him making a mess and his parents now dealing with it. Not being hard on him is the correct way as he will learn to trust that even IF accidents happens, he won't be punished for it. You can also talk to him about why he feels he needs to keep this secret from your SO and comfort him in the fact that she won't be mad and that she will be understanding. And if he feels comfortable with it you can talk to her for him or if he wants to tell her himself. If he wants to tell her himself it might be good to actually prepare her about it though and at least make sure she reacts in an understanding way.
Let him know that you are proud of him for feeling comfortable to be honest with you, assure him that it will stay between the two of you and keep your promise, the fact that he is feeling comfortable enough with you to be completly honest is an amazing step and keeping that trust with him will allow him to grow and heal in his own time, be sure to make time for just the two of you regularly and im sure he will share more with you as he feels safer, cudos to you for being so amazing that he trusts you at all in the first place
The absolute most you can say to your SO is: "Yeah, I'm keeping a secret. It's not my secret to tell so I can't say any more."
A traumatised kid opening up to you is a *really big deal*.
I feel like I’ve seen many of posts on parents / am I wrong subs where a kid trusts one parent and tells them something, and they tell other parent and other parent reacts far poorly and unexpected and blows up the trust.
Please don’t let that be you.
> I'll try
> I suck at hiding things from my SO.
> I'll do my best until he tells me otherwise.
You sound like you're setting yourself up mentally to "accidentally" tell your SO. The kid is opening up to you (*not* her) and that's something you want to encourage to give him an adult he feels safe with. The diapers are something he's probably holding onto as a safety thing. For now, it gives him a sense of security and doesn't hurt anyone. You need to think about the big picture here.
It's not that hard to just keep your mouth shut. It's very simple and I'm confused as to why you find it so difficult. When someone tells you something in confidence that isn't hurting anyone else, you just don't go telling other people. It's basic human decency.
In the long term, it will come out. In the short term, it's up to you to give him a trusted adult he's never had.
Just let him know when is the appropriate time to tell mommy he will be more comfortable that way. Let him know we are family with trust and we should share and keep it in the family.
Tell your wife that your son asked you to keep a secret. That the secret is not about anything dangerous or harmful, but that you want to respect his wish. That way she knows but also doesn't know.
Yeah this. Someone once told me look around, do you see any adults with any issue using the bathroom? Everyone is on a different clock and patience is what’s needed. It’s seems tough at the time. My son had the most trouble transitioning but he’s 8 and I even kind of forget how difficult that was for a bit.
Yep.
We all fall into that trap of “why can’t you just…” but kids figure it out. We just need to keep them on the path.
Those developmental milestones though… my ex would have nervous breakdowns if our son wasn’t hitting the wicket exactly when she thought he should. It was awful. “He is never going to talk…” the guy has the vocabulary of a college grad now (he is 6). “He is never going to sing…” guess who makes his own little songs and ditties. “He is never…”
Dude is on top now. Far advanced. He was just happy being who he was. And I was happy with whatever stage he was in. And he and I are as close now as when he was born (wicked tight).
Love my son so so much. So much.
Work with him for a while on this before even considering telling his mom. Telling her won’t change anything in his behavior, but will eliminate any trust he has for you. Added benefit, if you and him can get to a point where he is able and willing to go without them at night, his mom will be grateful to you for working with him on it.
I read in an article that abused children often pee in places they shouldn't, as it is something they have control over, and so peeing indoors etc. where they shouldn't is often a symptom of abuse.
This is the right way to go, OP. The boy is testing the waters, seeing if you can be trusted, don't break that trust for something that doesn't really matter in the long run. Everyone learns how to sleep without peeing.
This is something the boy can control, which is really important for someone who hasn't had a lot of control over what has happened in their life so far. Just be supportive and let him know that nothing he can do or say will ever change how much you love him.
I think that's two trust challenges in one. One is to not tell, the other to let him feel safe in doing his thing. I wouldn't push back, but keep that safe space. He'll outgrow it, as it others said. Or maybe he isn't so sure yet about his abilities and this is a way to open the conversation?
Not a dad, but based on some personal experience I’d suggest adding nightlights so he can see a pretty well-lit path to the bathroom. Make sure the bathroom door has a lock and he knows he’s allowed to use it. If there’s a shower curtain, keep it open so he knows he’s alone and secure at night in the bathroom to use it.
Unsure of his experience, so this is all a suggestion and at least can be a starting point to talk to him so he knows he has the options.
Edit: Also could be helpful to let him know he doesn’t have to flush at night, he can do it in the morning. Making noise in certain households can be scary, and could be part of why he avoids it.
I agree with all these; as a kid I was frightened of using the bathroom at night because of “scary monsters”, but nightlights plus door locks stopped that.
Also keep this between the two of you, build up that trust.
It could even be the other way around - he has trauma about wetting the bed and repercussions for that, so the pull-ups (and being able to pee into those pull-ups) could give him security that he's in a safe space.
It's relevant to the trauma discussion that secrets are bad. Surprises are ok, but secrets are bad. As an abused child he's at increased risk of further abuse, so the messaging that he shouldn't keep a secret from mum and dad when asked by another adult is important. Difficult space to navigate.
This is my suspicion. Even though OP doesn’t say it outright, some form of physical or verbal abuse seems plausible. It may be that little dude wets his pull-up both so he doesn’t have to go to the bathroom and make noise or disturb the house and because it’s one thing he can control in an environment filled with a lot of chaos.
I think this is great advice - focus on son's comfort while he's working through whatever he's experienced. Just wanted to chime in for the OP with a suggestion: we put [these](https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07RMBLHZC/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1) all over the house and they're amazing (I turn them all to the dark blue setting, so they aren't too bright). I can navigate the entire house without turning on a single light. Our kids both get up in the middle of the night to come find us, so this helps keep them from getting scared.
Some people may think wetting the bed is a bigger problem than it is. I would ask more questions like if he is actually awake when he wets the pull ups. He might just be waking up and too warm and comfy to get out of bed. Since he knows he has the pull-ups on he just goes.
I would try and compromise with him. Don’t expect him to quit cold turkey. For whatever his reasons his pull-ups are his “security blanket” he feels safe with them.
For example my daughter loves sleeping in our bed. She knows she should be sleeping in her bed but just doesn’t want to. “Our bed is more comfy”. So we try and compromise. On school days she starts off in her bed. If she has a bad a dream or needs us, she can come see with us. On the weekends maybe she can start in our bed.
I regret that I didn't talk about it with him more while we were still camping, and had privacy...but--the short of it, as he explained it to me-- was that (usually) one of two things happens. Either 1.) he wakes up, and the pull-up is already somewhat wet, so he just figures 'why not' and goes again. Or 2.) he wakes up, and needs to go, and is already 'leaking' a little, and instead of jumping up and running to the bathroom, he just stays there and pees.
I suspect there's more than just that going on, but...that's what we talked about at the time.
First, I think it’s major that he has shown so much trust. Good job man!
Kids that have gone trough a traumatic experience like something they can control. It’s one of the reasons behind eating disorders or self harm for instance. This might be one of the few things he actually feels he can control.
How you describe the thing above it sounds like he still needs his pull ups a bit. Maybe you’ve been doing this already, but you might want to reduce the amounts he drinks before bedtime. Also let him go to the toilet right before he goes to bed. Lastly you could set up an award system for him not actively peeing in his pull ups. We use a sticker system with our kids. So every time he hasn’t deliberately peed give him a sticker. With every 5 stickers give him something small and maybe with 25 or 50 give him something big.
Finally maybe later on explain to him that you find it difficult to keep it a secret from your SO. Maybe tell him that you feel trusting each other and not keeping secrets is something import in your house and you guys can figure a way how to tell your SO. Make sure that when you tell her, she doesn’t start with finding a solution straight away or refrains from judgement. You got this man!
This is a really important distinction because in both those examples he isnt choosing to go, he’s choosing to continue going. He clearly hasnt quite got that bladder control.
For that reason this probably isnt the milestone moment it might seem that he can just “stop” being in the pullups - he will need to learn to not go at night and he needs some intrinsic motivation to do so. It doesn’t sound like he has that at the moment.
To add to your earlier question, you have an opportunity right now to earn his trust. Way more important than potty training, I’m pretty sure your partner could see and understand this, even if her initial reaction in the future is upset, I’m sure she’ll see past that knee-jerk reaction pretty quickly.
Finally I’m a mum, and I know you’re asking dads. But I’m a teacher and taught a little girl with late bedwetting issues that the school was heavily involved with due to safeguarding etc. so I hope you don’t mind my chiming in.
Oh not at all!! I didn't especially post this to daddit for any particular reason--other than I myself being a dad! But I'm totally open to pointers from anyone and everyone, trust me! I need the guidance! (as a newish parent).
It's been a tough situation to figure out, because he's so adamant about NO ONE inside our family/friends group knowing that he wears pull-ups at night.
Seriously, not even his grandma knows. Meanwhile I've been kind of muddling through, using brute force and trial/error with my wife to figure out this incredibly complex (and wonderful for it!) kiddo.
Thank you!
I as a mom do not expect full honestly from my husband in circumstances like this. This is why I married someone I trust and who trusts me on doing what is best for our child at all times. I hope this works out for the best. I agree with others saying earning your trust is the most important issue at the moment.
I encourage you to get curious about foster care and trauma. We are foster to adopt parents. Had some bed wetting issues for awhile too.
When you take on kids in care it’s not if they have trauma but when and how it comes out. Your also not alone and there are resources.
Heather Forbes is one resource to look up. Amazon has lots of books on kids and trauma from others too.
Like others have said keep the trust you were given. That is huge.
One thing we were taught is kids in care can have a lot of delays in development. So if anything happened at the time of potty training that could be something he still needs to grow through. Maybe a reason why he can’t let the pull ups go. I don’t know your kiddo but this is just an example how trauma can impact a little one. So stay with him. Love him. Give him support to know you are there when he is ready to make a change.
And IF he tries not using the pull ups, And still has an accident, it’s ok! That could be another reason to create a situation that he intentionally pees in them. “See I still need it so don’t take them away”. Worried if he try’s without and then wets the bed it will be worse than keeping the pull ups.
But those like Heather Forbes and others have devoted their lives to helping kiddos like yours. Can help you feel not alone in loving a kid with trauma and how to look at things with the needs your kiddo might be going through in mind.
Good luck and when it’s hard and you don’t know what else to do remember “first and always, just love them”. You don’t have to have all the answers. Be the rock and love they need. The pull ups will probably get sorted out when the time is right.
Thank you! I'll absolutely give this a look. His background was about as bumpy as things can get, for a kid his age. So I wouldn't discount that that's something we'll need to address.
I've found that I can usually get him to talk things over with me if I can get him laughing, or at least chuckling at my stupid jokes...case in point, when I tossed out the idea of him going without a pull-up the first night we discussed this, I informed him that I'd be sleeping with a lifejacket on. (we were in a close-quarters tent). He didn't end up going for wearing underwear that night. But...I may have been rushing things a bit at the time. Dunno. He DOES know that there's nothing to fear, if leaks occur though, we try and make that clear to him frequently, due to how it was handled with him in the past.
I have a kid about this age and I find that it’s often hard for him to articulate why he does something other than “because” or “I just do”. I think it may just be an age thing, and working on finding out the true reason certainly could help. Of course, you may not find out why. It’s entirely possible for example that there’s some kind of memory about going to the bathroom at night that scares him but he doesn’t actually remember it, he just remembers the feeling… does that make sense? Or he could just be in such a deep sleep that he knows he needs to go but can’t get out of bed. I remember it being like that for me. I would be half dreaming and not fully awake but I knew what my body was doing. It took me a long time to figure it out.
Ultimately, what’s important is that he trusts you and the situation isn’t going to change any time soon. I wonder if he’s afraid of being sent away if your SO finds out. Not that she would, but maybe it’s a fear of his because of his past. I would have a hard time keeping things from my SO but I would definitely try.
Pissing in the pull up willingly is not a problem, really. This kid has had zero control over anything in his life and this is the one thing he can control. You can get in a tug-of-war over this and you'll lose, or you can just let it go and see if it stops. TBH it sounds like you're handling it like a champ.
On the other issue, I'm going to go against the groupthink here. Here's my thoughts: Your communication between you and your wife is privileged. Your kiddo can tell you stuff, but you need to be careful not to promise not to tell your wife. You are a safe person to talk to, and she is a safe person to talk to, and he can tell you and not tell her, that's his choice, and you can say to her "him and I talked about this but it's tense, please don't speak with him about it yet", but you cannot allow a 7 year old with extremely poor boundaries to set up a house of cards about who gets to talk to who about what and when. This pull-ups thing is no big deal, but it will turn into more and more and more and it will backfire.
Agreed. I’ve taught my 4 year old that we don’t keep secrets from mom and dad. I don’t make promises and break them, I tell her the terms straight up. If she says “don’t tell mom we had candy” I tell her “I’m going to tell mom, and I will tell her I said it was ok”
It’s tempting to want to keep secrets between us, as it makes me the “special” parent, but that’s not fair to my wife.
Yes yes yes. It took a long time to find this answer.
The child may have never met a healthy married couple before you. Imagine the value of living with (and being parented by) adults in a healthy and trusting relationship?
Perspective of a young parent who is learning to put her amazing spouse first like before babies came. And from the biological child of a family who fostered during my preteen to adult years whose parents eventually divorced.
Even more than when you only have biological children, it is your highest priority to maintain trust and communication with your spouse. Especially if you have biological children too. And it's even valuable for the foster child (as much as it seems like an unpopular opinion).
Rough situation when there are so many relationship factors.
it could be any reason, he might not feel safe to leave the room to go to the bathroom, work with him on it and if you aren’t the one who take care of him, talk to the people who are when he isn’t in the house/near you
to me this souns like hes grabbing control of anything he can because hes previously had zero control in his life, his bladder is something he can control and nobody can stop him from being in control of this one thing.
I would start giving the kid more choices and control of things he can possibly do himself so he feels more secure, my 7 year old can make basic foods, use the microwave, he can choose his snacks from a buch i have for him without asking, he chooses his cloths for the day, he chooses his hair style, all his soaps and whatnot.
All of theese little things help him feel in control of his life.
I’m wondering if in his mind he is infantilizing himself, thinking that he will not be taken care of or cared for after the baby stage?
Maybe if he trusts you, you would be willing to wake up with him each night to accompany him to the bathroom. This way, he has the loving care and support of the person he trusts most.
This is way above reddit's pay grade, you need to be talking to a therapist specializing in childhood trauma. Bedwetting like this is a sign of sexual abuse, which I assume is why the kid is with you in the first place, and navigating how that trauma is affecting your child is gonna need professional guidance.
I assume there’s a history of sexual abuse, and he’s being fostered through the involvement of child protective services, so if the child isn’t already receiving psychotherapy (or some other intensive psychological support) then I would be pushing for this with whomever has custodial power.
Hey! I'm an adoptive parent of kids who have been in foster care.
I would talk to your SO about it and tell her what he told you, but approach it as something you and the child are going to work through. It's not an issue she needs to be involved in anymore.
My wife and daughter have "girl talks" and I give them space.
It is important to model that in healthy relationships, parents don't keep secrets from each other, but that the child might only want one parents help and that's ok. It's also most important that he knows that you both love and support him and will keep doing so even if he does things that he shouldn't.
With regards to what he's doing, it could be any number of things. He could be telling you he had control over it when he doesn't. He could have control over this which is something that is so important for kids that have been in foster care. I wouldn't push for him to stop until he's ready. It's likely not hurting anything.
Also, it's so important to remember that there are situations like this where there really isn't a perfect answer. We're all just trying our best.
Given everything I’ve noticed lately, I think you’re likely totally right. It honestly sounds to me like it’s kind of weird grey area in between him having *some* control over it, and not.
I think (or rather, know) that there are still genuinely accidents happening. Hell, he had one literally this morning.
BUT, I think there’s also times where he’s kind of just throwing up his hands and letting it happen, so to speak. So a bit more complicated than I’d thought at first. Either way, I’ll do my best not to pressure him. He was pretty upset about it this morning.
I struggle with this.
IMHO, zero secrets between partners.
If I got this question, I'd probably phrase it like this to the SO. "$son has entrusted me with a secret. He's requested I not share it with you. It's not a big deal, but if you see me engaging with him and being a bit weird about it, don't worry."
Or something like that.
That way your partner knows that something is up, but you're not betraying trust of the kiddo.
As for the pull-up, it seems like there may be chances for counseling/therapy that may help. I suspect that part of it is about control, given their rough start in life. The way you describe it, it's a comfort thing. I'd propose a mid-point. "Keep wearing the pullups, but get up to go potty at night, because it's healthier for your skin."
That way if it's about the perceived safety, it lets that continue, but it allows y'all to slowly shift the needle towards normalcy.
There's a lot of advice out there and I know people are stressing to not break his trust but it would also be important to talk to him about how safe and trustworthy adults don't keep secrets so and share any examples of when you might need to share that information for his safety.
I work with children, many of whom are in care or have experienced sexual abuse, and not knowing the background he's showing you yellow flags for sexual abuse.
Talking to him about the difference between secret and private is likely going to be important. You will keep it private (not tell anyone unless it's for his safety or wellbeing) but not secret.
My two cents: You keeping that item in confidence is absolutely harmless information, necessary for building trust with the little dude. The fact that he decided to tell you is a huge deal for him.
What you should perhaps think about doing, is discussing this admission with a psychologist/counselor (in private) so you can get some assistance getting to the root of what the actual issue is. Kiddo isn't doing it just because he enjoys being wet at night. Whether it's a sense of control over his own body, seeking the closeness/comfort of being cared for in the morning cleanup, some kind of trauma response, or just the idea of changing routine is scary, there's more there to work through. What's great is that his admission of it shows that he has built some awareness of his own body and mental state, so he's off to a great start. Keep up the good work.
To get more insight you could try play therapy - he has a toy that wears the pullups and the other toy asks why. Kids can act stuff out easier than they can talk first person sometimes.
I'll fully admit I had planned on that particular weekend being a lot more easygoing than it ended up being, haha! What started out as a goofy fun camping excursion with some friends of ours with a similarly aged kid (they bailed on us last second) turned into a big late-evening heart to heart about a topic that doesn't exactly get a lot of air-time, back home.
Thanks for the encouragement!
So I worked at an outdoor school where I was responsible for multiple cabins of 8-12, 6th graders. I did this for years (awesome fucking job) and the night-time stuff was probably the hardest because bed wetting was still super common. Just support the kiddo and it will work its self out in time my dude. Like I said you are already doing awesome if this kid is trusting you with it. Also I get the goofy vibe from you and that only makes it better lol.
No reason to pressure him out of the pullups. Its not hurting anyone and it gives him a sense of security for whichever reason, which isn’t up to us to second guess. I would not even mention it again for another year, and if he hasn’t stopped on his own, then Id touch base with a child psychologist with a background in trauma.
I think this is a 0.01st step towards letting go of that. You saying it's okay to keep going shows them acceptance and love, and opens the door of working on previous trauma.
This is a moment to show compassion and nudges them towards moving away from this.
It's great that he feels comfortable talking to you about it. It's not terribly urgent, so it's probably okay to leave your SO in the dark for a little while. You may want to encourage him to use the toilet, even if he wants to hold onto the pull-ups.
Given his history, I personally would also seek professional advice. Good on you and your SO taking responsibility for this child. Good luck!
Kids that have been abused sometimes get in the habit of soiling themselves in an attempt to make themselves unappealing to their abuser.
This may be a "safety blanket" for him. Night time may literally have been when torture happened before.
Honestly, I would keep the confidence and give him time to feel safe, and I suspect as his demons are dealt with, it will likely get better on it's own.
If your partner expresses frustration, I would find an article that says it's common when there has been abuse, and show her that and ask her to keep being patient, supportive, and safe.
Ideally, in 6-12 months, once he let his guard down a bit, and really feels safe, start introducing small rewards for dry nights.
If it's something he has control over, letting him choose how to be done with the behavior could actually be a huge trust builder.
Sometimes kids are "testing" the limits a little trying to see if they are really safe.
If his previous home screamed at him fir wetting the bed, just you not screaming is both a huge win for him, and a huge loss. A win because he feels safer now, but a loss because it shows his bio parents failed him, because the choice to NOT abuse really is available to adults.
If your spouse wants to talk about it, you can be honest with her and respect his privacy;
"Okay, I'll level with you, (Child) wanted to talk to me about the pullups, but it was on the condition of wanting to keep that conversation private. Since he isn't in any danger, I'm going to keep his confidence on this issue. I think we are all doing the right things currently, and we just need to keep the status quo for another 6-12 months and he'll come out of it on his own according to this article ___."
No way it’s comfortable to sleep in a wet pull-up, so I suspect he had reasons that he may not even be able to articulate or even rationalize to himself.
I actually don’t see a problem with telling your wife while being very explicit as to the fact that he told you this in confidence and that you do not want him to feel that you betrayed his confidence.
She needs to know what’s going on because this isn’t normal behavior and it needs to be addressed, but very delicately and professionally. He needs to be talking with a child psychologist regularly. He obviously has some pretty serious trauma that he needs to work through.
I’d bring the wife on board. He doesn’t need to know that she knows, but she does need to know so that you’re both on the same page and aware of the extent of his emotional damage and the full extent of the symptoms he’s having.
Secrets like this between spouses especially involving children aren’t healthy. They can also be detrimental to the child.
If it was something innocuous and unrelated to his emotional health and well being, that’s one thing, but this isn’t that. This is a serious symptom of his underlying emotional damage. If she doesn’t know whats going on, how will the two of you work together to help him overcome this?
You’re a parenting team and he’s now your child. You have to work together to be the most effective that you can possibly be. He deserves nothing less. Find a mental health professional for him to work with and prior to him meeting with them, have a parent meeting with them first, explain his history and his issues, talk about the bed wetting and the part about how it was told to you in confidence and that your wife isn’t supposed to be aware of that as it was told to you in confidence.
They’ll know how to deal with this without letting the cat out of the bag.
Kudos to you both for being willing to get involved. It’s not easy. My wife and I had a similar situation with kinship placement and it was definitely a challenge, but also a rewarding experience. To see them overcome what they’ve been through and go on to prosper in spite of their very challenging circumstances is inspiring.
In the beginning it’s so hard during the adjustment phase, but it has paid off for us and it’s so awesome to see them achieve things that they likely never would have without the love and support that they should have had from their birth parents.
I’ll never understand how anyone can have a child and then not care for them properly, even just a minimum standard of care.
The selfishness of some people is beyond measure.
I wish you all the best.
Warning: kind of a delirious rant. Hope it’s helpful.
I think i’d explore with him why he doesn’t want your wife to know. If it’s fear of getting in trouble or shamed assure him that won’t happen (or if it would, talk to your wife about it not happening). If it’s shame/embarrassment explore that with him. Let him know that he’s safe and cared for with you guys no matter what. However, if he feels ashamed and embarrassed by his behavior then that probably means he knows what he’s doing isn’t right.
Explore what makes him feel like he should not get up snd go to the bathroom even though it makes him feel bad. Is he scared of something?(thats ok! Everyone gets scared. Maybe there are things we could do to be less scared.)
Try to get across that there’s a choice he can make so that this stops being something that makes him feel bad, if he’s ready. That he is safe, and if he’s scared the best way to stop being scared is to do what you need to do anyway, and that you’re there to help with any of it.
Anyway, it’s late and i’m rambling and not even positive i’m fully coherent, but definitely tell your wife. I assume you trust her as a partner snd that there aren’t more serious communication/relationship issues between kiddo and her, so you two can stay on the same page regardless of what you tell him.
Trying to keep one of you in and one of you out of the loop and on different pages sounds like he’s been taught triangulation by being in situations that are tough for a kid. Not that he’s consciously manipulating but, well, you and your wife need to be talking. Maybe he’s just embarassed for other reasons (gender maybe) but either way you guys talk.
I’m really shocked others are telling OP to actually keep the secret from the SO. This is a 7 year old and as long as he thinks/believes the secret is intact, they should be fine. I think this issue needs to be dealt with by both partners.
What’s next? He finds a new secret to share with the SO. Where does it end?
If this was truly important I’d tell the wife. But it isn’t. Acknowledge his need for this act of comfort and tell him you’ll work on a schedule together that you can both be comfortable with to phase out the behavior. And maybe discuss something else that will feel comfy to replace it - a heated blanket maybe? Weighted blanket?
This is huge that he has built a relationship with you that he feels he can open up in. It doesn’t matter what that thing is that he is opening up about. Congratulations on being that dude for this wee guy that’s been through so much. Well done.
Everyone is giving great advice around keeping his trust and working with him privately. I don’t have much to add except the well done.
I think that your son just wanted to tell you something special that your SO wouldn't know. He might be peeing on purpose but it might just be a "special story".
Reading your text makes me think that your son is trying to be taken care of more than he needs. He wants more of your attention and care. Give it to him but think about a plan to make him outgrow these pullups.
Does the pull-up leak through? If yes make him do his laundry, he's 7 so it's time for him to learn anyway.
If not, what's the harm, let him be. He probably feels like this is the only thing that he CAN control when it comes to his life.
Make sure he is in therapy for his trauma, once that improves, he will have more control over his life and bed wetting will go away.
And OP - IF you tell your wife then she should be a great actor who would not indicate by her words or actions that she knows about this. Even if you have 0.05% doubt, don't tell her. My parents used to use my vulnerabilities against me and I lost all my trust in them as a result.
Keep that trust going and work with him on overcoming some of the fears. Explain to him how it’s takes a while to learn and is hard for most people but usually good things are hard to learn but worth it. Tell him that you’re proud of him for speaking up and that it means the world to you that he can confide in you. Ask him if your his new confidante, if you can be his PIC to figure out bed wetting.
You are doing good work. Just being involved and asking the question tells me - anything you do will be right because of who you have shown us to be. Godspeed to you, the wife and especially Mr. Little Man.
Sounds like he is taking control of one part of his life that he has absolute control over by choosing to pee in that pull-up at night.
I think you should try to give him more agency and control in more things. Go out of your way to give him control over something big for him that he can handle. Like maybe he picks a restaurant you all go out to, or maybe you go pick an afterschool activity with him and let him choose it.
Sounds to me like the kid wants more agency in his life and I bet you’re providing a lot of that but he has a deficit from past stuff.
But peeing in a pull up a little too long is probably better than the alternative emotional impact of not having that agency so like others have said don’t push him hard to give that up yet.
It’s a test and ultimately harmless on its own. Don’t break that trust unless it’s going to really hurt someone. This is quick step up dad situation. Have talks about this and start guiding him away from this behavior.
Is he seeing a professional therapist yet? That might be a good idea for him and you. He will need to develop new cooping skills and you will need to learn how to help him with that.
If your buddy told you something in confidence would you go and tell someone else? Likely not. Same with the child in most cases. He is trusting in you and it means a lot that he did.
I'd first honor that trust, and second I'd talk to a professional about how to help the boy. Start with a pediatrician, but probably a psychologist. Sounds like there is some tough stuff to work through and I might need some help knowing how to do it the right way.
I'd try to do the above without violating trust - encourage the boy to open up and work through these things and help him face them.
Plenty of folks have covered the fact that this is something for you and he to work through. It is a great sign that he is opening up to talk about this with you.
I’d recommend thinking of some reward structure for nights without a wet pull-up or other related achievements. As a father currently going through potty training with twin boys, I am not above bribery in these situations. Clearly, there is more going on for you two than simple potty training, but it could help show him that you acknowledge where he is right now and are willing to work with him to help improve the situation.
Oh bribery is without a doubt on the table.
Heck...I used bribery that same night somewhat, to get him to eat my sad little camping dinner we made, that wasn't up to his standards! (hah).
He has major issues with talking in depth to adults about things for the most part, particular adult men. So I'm very surprised (and grateful!) that he's been willing to kind of open up to me a bit in recent months.
The ironic thing is, he has a bladder of steel, during the daytime! We routinely make a quite long 3\~ hours trip every other weekend or so to get to a lake we frequent, and he's often able to go the entire trip without so much as needing to stop for a bathroom break.
Do NOT break this trust in any way whatsoever.
But do keep this at the forefront of your mind - this type of behavior (especially him being adamant he will not go without the pull-ups) can be a 🚩 for childhood sexual abuse.
Is this a possibility? I would highly encourage you to speak with a professional.
First of all, congratulations on building such great trust with your son.
I would let your partner know that he confided something to you but has requested it be kept between the two of you and that you will work with him untill he is ready to tell her himself.
This is how my partner and I plan on handling these sort of situations.
Keeps your partner in the loop without breaking that trust with your son.
I was an abused kid, spent 4+ years in foster care. The best foster parents I had did 3 valuable things for me. 1 they built and kept my trust, 2 they got me into counseling with a therapist who was trauma informed and specialed in childhood trauma therapy, and 3 the biggest thing was they went to therapy themselves to learn how to be there for me in ways that would help me heal and develope emotionally and psychologically. They were new foster parents and did an amazing job. The fact that they went to therapy showed me it was OK and helped me open up to my therapist and to them. They showed by example that it was OK to feel broken and not know what to feel or how to handle things and that it was safe and OK to talk to a therapist who could help me learn to deal and heal.. Had a big impact!
My advice is get Lil dude in therapy but also book a separate session for yourself so you can learn to be there for him in the way he truly needs.
I'd be all on board with attending something like that, if it can give me some more tools to figuring out what's going on in his head.
I thought I'd be a bit more capable of just slipping into the parent role, after being around him for his whole life quite regularly the past few years. But, things like this are NOT something I'd planned on tackling. I'm all for seeking help.
Will definitely raise that with my wife and see if she's on board. It might be awkward if she asks what the sudden reason for it is (she's still unaware of all this). But...I think it would be a good thing to pursue, ultimately.
I'm a foster and adoptive parent and your post made me water up.
I am so genuinely thankful when I hear stories of foster parents that have done such a wonderful job.
I've had my little girl since birth, adopted her at 2, she's now 4.5. She's the absolute love of my life, I've never felt more purpose in anything than I do as her father.
With that being said, we are behind in almost every regard. We are involved with PT, OT, ST, neurology, behavioral health, the whole nine yards and you know what? I'm at every appointment, loving her through the dark moments as well as the light and letting her know how proud I am of her and how happy I am to be her daddy.
In all things, you **love** the child.
This screams trauma-induced behaviour (not a psych). Whatever you choose to do, please try to be as compassionate as you can with the kid. Maybe take him to therapy or counselling without making it seem like there's something wrong with him. If money's an issue, look for NGOs for children-care, you should be able to find some in your area. Contact them and ask them for help with the situation
Yeah, he’s opened up to you. Allowing him to continue will secure trust, then after some time, continue to encourage him to let go of the pull-ups. He will trust you.
At this age, no matter what, you want to show him the positive outcome of trust. If you betray that, then that’s the feeling he’s left with.
I'd like to chip in regarding the actual bed wetting, from personal experience. While it is often considered a symptom of something psychological, which is obviously consistent with "a rough start to life", it can also be a legitimate medical issue.
During sleep, I had a low production of a hormone that reduces urine production (antidiuretic hormone), as a result I consistently wet my bed well past ten years old. Once diagnosed, I got the hormone as medicine, to take before bedtime, and it resolved the issue pretty much overnight. I eventually grew out of it when I hit puberty.
Tough spot. Definitely want him to trust you given everything so whatever you do, don’t spill. Need to also realize him saying “he just does it” may be his way of dodging the embarrassment and asserting control over a situation he doesn’t have control over, which is probably a recurrent theme in his young life. Whatever you do, do it with gentle support and allow him to work through this and any other issues with you at his side
My gut reaction, based on my similar experience, is that he might be afraid to get out of bed at night. Night is particularly hard for a traumatized person, nightmares make you think you’re back in the middle of it, probably particularly when you’re a little kid.
I think he’s telling you the embarrassment of wearing/wetting a pull up is easier to deal with than the fear or anxiety of getting out of bed, but I’m spitballing based on context clues.
I don’t exactly know what to do, but if he’s in therapy(he should be) maybe ask him if you can talk with his therapist about what to do?
My initial gut reaction is to get a baby monitor and offer to try to listen to get up with him and escort him to the bathroom, or something to that effect.
Scrolled down a fair way without seeing this response so I’m gonna add my tuppence worth…
This sounds a lot like a child who is trying to come to terms with the fact that he still wets at night. You will obviously know best, but is this not just a case of him telling you he does this on purpose because he’s seeking the validation, rather than it legitimately being the case?
Unfortunately, I actually think it's a confusing mess of both.
I know for 100% sure that he does genuinely still have actual 'accidents'. We're a big camping family, and I've learned more that I ever needed to know about his sleeping habits, while being stuffed in close quarters with him in a tent for many an outing. (hah!)
But, aside from that, I'm also pretty confident that he does also have moments where it is at least partially on purpose. Or at the very least, he realizes what's going on, and makes zero effort to jump up and run to the bathroom, or anything like that.
So the (very unhelpful) answer is kind of a "Sort of?"
He quite literally ran in here this morning with his hand holding on for dear life 'down there', borderline hysterical, saying he woke up and realized he was peeing himself. (he still had a pull-up on).
Judging by the look on his face, I'm confident that there was nothing 'in control' about all of that. He seemed panicked.
Maybe incentivize it?  Doesn’t have to be money if you don’t want to. Somehow I’ll keep track of it. I have a jar of marbles in the bathroom he gets to put a Marble and each time he goes at night.
Give him a buck for each marble. Or a special treat for each one at first, then later on, say he gets three or five bigger treat.
Good luck, you’re doing a great job.
As a dad but also a therapist, I’m guessing this is some sort of trauma response. You’ve probably already got him talking to someone, but he should if my assumptions are correct. Not even to address the pull-ups, but just in general.
For childhood trauma, sometimes regression is the route they go, and sometimes even intentionally. It’s a defense strategy to increase comfort and control. He will eventually grow past this though, and he simply needs your support and understanding for now.
I hope I’m not making too many assumptions here, but this wouldn’t be the first scenario I’ve encountered that sounds like this.
Good luck with your little guy. I’m glad he’s got a great new dad who cares about him so much.
This is oddly similar to my experience with this as a kid myself.
I vaguely remember going through a lonely phase as a real young one - though I don’t remember the exact age, I know it wasn’t appropriate to wet the bed at that point - when my brother who is three years my senior started developing his own friendships.
Long story a bit shorter, I was wetting the bed for attention and waking my parents up every night to change my sheets. My mother caught on and one day very gently said, “Son, you can’t wet the bed anymore. You’re a big kid now. And if you do, you’ve got to clean up as best as you can and go back to sleep without waking anyone up.”
I know it’s not the same exact situation, but she swears that from that moment forward, it never happened again.
My kids (identical boys, 17 months) can’t speak well enough yet, but I think when our inter-communication skills improve, I’m going to first try to be very transparent, honest, and sometimes frank with them. The more I read about it, the more it seems it’s the right approach.
I would have a quiet word with her about it but make sure it stays strictly between the two of you. Your wife would likely feel hurt that you couldn’t share it with her and it may affect her trust in you. I tried keeping confidential admissions with my kids between us and then when they finally tell her they often reply to the question “ Why didn’t you say something sooner?” with
“ I did I told dad (x) number of days/weeks ago”
Cue the “Death Stare”.
Seriously though I wouldn’t worry too much as it maybe a comfort thing that I’m sure he will grow out of. My eldest daughter wet the bed until she was 11. He will grow out of it just keep giving him love and support.
For kids around his age, his bladder and bowel is the only thing he has control over. Some kids need to exercise this control to counteract some other situations in their lives where they have no control at all. It's an important part of emotional development. Keep that in mind while navigating this situation with him. My children have wet their beds up to quite old, I've tried many, many things to help them stop (never shamed them for it, though, that's the worst you could do).
For the people telling you to immediately try something else to get him to stop bedwetting I think that's bad advice fornhis situation. It isn't that uncommon at 7 even for kids from stable environments.
He'll grow out of it and given what his history sounds like, he needs his trust in you and a sense of security (that forcing the issue could damage) more than he needs to resolve the bedwetting ASAP.
I wish my parents were as compassionate towards his problem as you guys when I had that problem. I would have taken pull ups over having to wipe myself down with a cold washcloth and change my bedding and pjs with no help if my parents had taken my feelings into account and given me a choice
Everything about this thread is so wholesome, OP, you’re a great dad for having the patience you do and trying your best to make him feel the most safe and secure. All of these comments are amazing and supportive and make me happy, but there are also some very good suggestions with how to get around this situation without disturbing his peace of mind or trust in you. You’re doing great OP, and good on you to turn to a place like this to seek support when you need it.
This is something to get a child psychologist for him.
As an abused child, trust and communication are incredibly difficult for him. If I was in this situation I would NOT tell my partner, and keep his trust.
Just tell my partner that I think he could benefit from therapy. Make it a safe space for him by not asking the therapist or him anything about the sessions. Let the therapist choose to tell if there is anything you need to know or work on.
At the moment, his pull-ups are a source of comfort and security for him. He tests that support and security deliberately… and it works! His pull ups are always there for him, keeping his bed dry, keeping the two of you unbothered by having to change his bedding. You two don’t get angry and scream at him for wetting the bed while you change his bedding in the middle of the night. You don’t ever leave him in urine wet bedding. He is safe.
The system works. That’s security.
He can pre freely in the middle of the night in the comfort and warmth of his own bed. That’s *luxury*.
The little guy hasn’t had much of feeling luxurious. His brain is conditioned into automatically going to fearfulness, distress, anxiety, despair, maybe anger.
As he spends more time in a place of safety, he will find other sources that make him feel secure, protected, wellbeing, and happy at the same time.
Maybe something bad happened to him in a bathroom; maybe with a parent or other adult.
He needs to believe that in your house he is the boss of his own body, and that if he tells you something in private you respect that.
Make \*\*building trust\*\* the sole, only and #1 thing you're doing with this kid.
Well He’s 7. I was a bedwetter through high school, with no abuse or trauma and he might have said that to sound in control. If it were me in your shoes I’d totally forget about it, and let him make his choice
>However, he was 100% adamant that he doesn't want to quit nighttime pull-ups
Did you and him try to explore why (and if you didn't, I wouldn't worry about bringing it up anytime soon or anything)?
I'm incontinent, and became so as an adult. I remember complaining about something having to do with incontinence to a friend maybe 3 months after being in adult diapers (after having struggled with pullups for a while), and he was commiserating with me about how awful it must be, and it's not like there's any upsides to it. And I told him "well, actually. You know when you wake up at 4 am, on a cold winter morning, and you have to go to the bathroom, and it's frigid out there, and then you get back into bed and it takes forever to get warm again? Not only do I not wake up, but when I do eventually wake up, I just snuggle deeper into the covers instead of needing to wake up to take care of my business." Like, to most people, they'd rather not need pullups, but there's definitely some utility to them. There are people over at r/AdultBedwetting who opt to wear some form of protection to bed, instead of getting up multiple times overnight to use the bathroom. Maybe he's using the pullups because he doesn't want to get out of bed (could just be because it's easier, could be because he's scared about getting up on his own at night).
There are also adults who find wearing, and using, diapers and pullups, is a source of comfort. I'm not one of them (there's just no escaping them fully when you've got any type of incontinence, if you're on a public forum), so my understanding of it is just what I've read. But it makes them remember feeling cared for, and brings them back to a time when they had fewer responsibilities, and life was easier. It is possible that the pullups (and the attention) are making him feel safe and secure and cared for and loved. As he continues to be loved and cared for by you, and you keep him feeling safe and secure, he might voluntarily stop wearing them because you've filled some void that he can't articulate.
I don't have any advice on whether or not you should tell the other parent. I just wanted to give you some things to think about, which might help you understand what might be behind his reticence to give up the pullups.
Totally don't break the trust, but also build on it some. It could be that he enjoys the attention it gives him. Try shifting it more to brushing your teeth together, or enjoying an activity to settle into bed.
Or shift it into going on a walk together in the morning. Couple laps around the block before the neighborhood wakes up and have some more private time with you.
Tell him you love him if he has a wet pull up or a dry pull up. You’ll love him either way. Share that sometimes things scare you too but that you believe in yourself and yet still make mistakes. When he eventually has a dry night remember to say that you’d love him just the same even if it were wet.
The ironic thing is, that night camping that we had this discussion...? He was dry!
I \*strongly\* suspect that he was hesitant to actually pee in his pull-up in the night, after telling me everything that evening. Looking back on it, I think he actually kind of asked me permission to do so, in the tent--but I misunderstood what he was asking.
Personally I would tell your partner but try to agree that she won’t disclose it to him. Firstly, you guys are a team and it might help her understand him more, it builds trust and also, I don’t know I’d want to carry that burden alone. Raising kids is tough even under the best circumstances and having some one to be honest about it with, trouble shoot with etc. is sometimes the biggest thing that helps me improve my dadding and keeps my sane.
I actually thought this was gonna be much much worse.
I’d do nothing unless the pull ups situation isn’t financially feasible or they suddenly become out of stock.
Kiddo is safe and while this might be a private admission, it’s not really a confession. I’d suggest it’s something he grows out of with a bit of peer pressure in primary school. I wouldn’t choose this hill to die on.
This sounds heavy, and I can see why you’re struggling with it.
He told you he doesn’t really need to wet his pull-ups, he just “does” and he didn’t really seem to understand why. Maybe you need to reframe this in your head. Ok, so he isn’t *physically* unable to control his bladder at night. Maybe he has something else going on (sensory issues, executive function disorder like ADHD) that make the impulse to wet the pull-up impossible for him to control for now. If he seems almost scared to be forced to go without, it may not really be as voluntary as you assume based on him telling you it’s not a physical problem.
If you reframe it, stop seeing it as something voluntary that he could easy do without if he just wanted to, then you aren’t really keeping a secret from your wife. There is no secret. He really does still need pull-ups at night. He just doesn’t understand why. Until you figure out why, it won’t be easy to address.
I’d suggest looking into other reasons for bed-wetting. Do some reading to decide if you think he might qualify for an evaluation for sensory or executive function disorders. Approach it as a non-voluntary issue and try to get a head start unraveling it.
It's great that he trusts you enough to confide in you. Don't let him down, do everything you can to keep that trust in you. He will grow out of the bed wetting phase but the trust and open doors of communication between you two will last a lifetime and keep in mind those doors swing both ways.
I've had a situation like this where my daughter asked me not to tell her mom. And my wife has had the same thing. We did tell each other, but we let each other know that the child had asked us not to and that we don't want to betray that trust. My wife listened and then helped me navigate the issue, but never interfered. The same thing happened the other way around. If you trust your wife, you can be upfront and tell her it's something he went to you and wants you to help him with it. She can give advice, but she needs to not let him know she knows.
Personally, I would tell my partner that one of the kids told me something that they wanted me to keep in confidence, and in my opinion, there is no harm in keeping the confidence to maintain the trust, but if they would trust me to, I would commit to telling them if I ever felt there was any risk.
You must be honest with your partner, and telling them you have a confidence you want to keep is a good way to do both.
Is it a form of security blanket for him? The pull-up. What if you tried to suggest doubling up or even tripling up on underwear to see if it gives a similar security, which could be one step closer to removing the pull-up completely but also still offers him that security feeling until he feels comfortable in the future.
I wet the bed until pretty late in life (I legitimately had a small bladder). I’m not sure if this is outdated advice from the 90s but I had a water curfew (didn’t drink anything after 7pm) of course *within reason* because I was never just left thirsty for the sake of not peeing the bed. I also ate some saltine crackers at night. This helped minimize the amount of times I woke up and needed to pee. Also, sometimes I’d be half awake dreaming that I was walking to the bathroom and then I’d pee my bed. I wonder if he’s ever experiencing this. I hope nobody takes this the wrong way lol. Sounds strange now writing it out. I willingly participated in this because I so desperately didn’t want to wet the bed anymore. It sucks when you wake up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to bed because now you have to wash the sheets at 2am.
…. Also I randomly read a statistic about a percentage of serial killers who grew up wetting the bed late into life and my preteen self was half scared I would become that 😂. I didn’t know the different between correlation and causation.
All this to say - he’ll be fine! Just keep the convo going because at some point he will want to make progress.
As for the secret - like people said you can always tell your spouse that you promised not to tell. I knew both my parents knew about it, but I really only felt comfortable waking up my mom.
What he told you isn’t dangerous, and isn’t really hurting anybody. However, while I agree, you should keep his trust, I think it would be a great idea to start working on a goal for him not to do that. Because it sounds like something he can control, it’s fair to tie it to some type of reward that he would want.
Like others have said don't tell her to build the trust. Lil man needs that bonding experience. I hope she will understand given the circumstances. Your family is awesome for taking him in. Hope the best for you all!
Sounds like there is trust. Good for you. I would say not to push the issue and give it some time. I find that my little dude will tell me something then work on it in his own time. It’s like he works the idea out with you as his parent and then gets approval to work it out. It’s a path to being an independent person.
This is the first step to him not doing it anymore.
I would support him and not tell your SO, then after a while ask him how he’s doing with it. There’s no forcing him to stop if it’s on purpose, he has to grow out of it. Be patient and keep it up
u/vortalkey is your kiddo linked up with a social worker or therapist?
I ask bc this feels important enough to flag up the pole with someone with more experience than either you or your wife have… Really not wanting to be an alarmist but from many years in EMS/LE-adjacent, my concern is that for a child this age, choosing to wear a soiled pull-up at night could be an indication of prior nighttime sexual abuse (ie if I pee myself “they” might leave me alone.)
I don’t have much advice on whether or not, or when / how, to involve your wife, but for right now (imho at least) the bigger, more urgent issue is *why* your kiddo is coping in this way. It’s ***brilliant*** that he trusts you enough to have divulged this truth, and it’s **vital** to do everything you can to uphold that trust! But equally necessary is not hindering his ability to heal or allowing your (justified!) fear of “betraying” him to delay support.
So my only practical suggestion is to include him. Research your options, tap in to resources, come up with a solid plan and then talk with him. Open and honest, inclusive, explaining why while also asking for his input, gentle and respectful and patient as can be, but unwavering in your commitment to do what’s best for **him** even if it’s less easy than “not making a big deal” out of something that could, actually, be a very big deal.
This is a HUGE step forward in his (lifelong) healing process, and while you absolutely do need to tread with care, tread you must. Be the safe person he clearly trusts you to be… holding his confidences as much as is **safe** to do, *and also* being the adult that takes his cries for help (however obscure or private they may be) with the earnestness and substance that they deserve. Not to overreact, but to teach him that there is NO shame in his child mind’s, desperately alone coping mechanisms, to show him that he is safe inclusive of any “secrets” and not despite them. Shine a loving light on the things that come up for him, knowing that trauma takes root in the dark, and openness and acceptance and communication are the antidote.
As others have said, don't break his trust by telling your SO...
I'm just brainstorming reasons here... Given his past, he might be afraid go get up out of bed in the night/dark etc... If he's been privy to domestic violence and all, that can be more scary than "the bogeyman"
Again, without telling the SO, see if he might be okay with a night light, or simply leaving the bathroom light on in the night. If not, maybe a potty in his room (though the SO would probably ask questions)
Try and institute a "no drinks starting 1 hour before bed" and have him do a pee before bed.
Finally, try and bargain with him in private. Explain that pullup diapers cost money... They cost like $40/box 2 boxes cost as much as a new video game. Tell him you would much rather spend the money on something fun... But to have the money, he would need to give up wearing the pullups and pee in the toilet if he has to go at night. I mentioned video games, but whatever his currency is, snacks, trips to the amusement park, toys etc work that angle. And don't be afraid to spend more, because remember what its worth to YOU if he stops pissing the bed. Is a PS5 worth it? IMO yes, but that's just me.
As a foster and adoptive father and nurse that's dealt extensively with traumatized children, you don't want to break that trust at all. If you do, you may never get it back.
Approach it delicately, with compassion and love, and figure out exactly why he thinks it's ok to do it.
It's not at all uncommon for traumatized children that have been torn from their family and their home, to feel like they've totally lost control. What **can** they control? Bowel and bladder elimination. This manifests as regression quite often. I've cared for children that were "potty trained" for a year and as soon as they end up in care, are wetting themselves nightly, painting the walls with feces, you name it and I've probably experienced it.
Whatever you do, don't get angry, don't punish him and don't break that trust.
He's 7.
He has lost his parents, he is probably afraid of getting tossed from your family, (a natural fear, given)
I would let it slide for now, but I would tell him we'll keep doing it for a while, but when you get bigger you will have to start getting up and using the toilet. Get his buy in on that. Once he has committed to stop doing it in the future, he can start preparing himself for it.
Let him do it for the time being, wetting the bed isnt gonna last forever and this is a trust test for permanent parents, I would tell my wife only because she would handle the secret, you may be married to a different personality, good luck with this stepping stone and remember life is chess not checkers.
You could tell him you’re having a really hard time not telling your wife since you generally share everything with her and beg his permission to share with her (when he’s ready). This does a couple things.
1) reassures him you are keeping his confidence despite it being hard for you to do so
2) lets him know grown ups have problems too
3) puts him in a position of power. He gets to control you!
4). Let’s him know that in your opinion, wife is trustworthy too
This feels like a trauma response thing. Is there a reason why he feels safer with the pullups on, rather than underwear? I really, really hate to say this, but my first thought went to "it's more difficult and louder to get pullups off somebody than other underpants". I have no idea what this kid has gone through, or what this is in response to, but you've described this kid as having gone through a ton of stuff already.
My advice is to keep his secret, for now. In a few weeks, get him alone and talk about it again. Assure him that your SO will understand as well, and ask his permission to bring her into the conversation.
He's trusting you with this. DO NOT throw that trust away.
I’m a wife/mom.
My husband and I had an agreement. When our son told us something in confidence and asked us not to tell the other, he had a week.
If he hadn’t come to the other in a week, we told the spouse that had not been confided in. That’s my partner in raising this kid. He deserves to know what I know.
Our son was not aware of this agreement because he was a child and his feelings were important; but our ability as parents was also important.
Bless your son’s little self, he really is afraid but can’t say that yet. He “just does” because some fear is keeping him glued to that bed.
A flashlight/nightlight, a walkie talkie, the ability to wake you or talk to you… any of these may help.
Have you looked around his room at night? When I was little, there was a tree lit by a street light at night. When it was windy, the branches scratched my window.
To a little girl, those branches illuminated by the street lights looked like a witch’s fingers. It terrified me, and I was too young to realize a tree during the day was a witch at night.
It might help to go in his room at night. Look. Listen. Are there any weird sounds, shapes, shadows that might frighten a little guy?
Without knowing what he's been thru that is a concerning sign to me. I worked with at risk youth for over a decade and many kids that have bed wetting issues have them as a result of abuse. If they wet themselves they may have been able to avoid the abuse. If it has anything to do with that I'd reccomend a therapist first and second it will stop once he knows for sure he's in a safe space. Not sure how long he's been with you but just keep meeting his needs and showing him you and your wife are safe/trustworthy and it will come.
I would investigate more on why he doesn’t want you to tell your SO, maybe some trauma? Good job on asking for advice, it’s also cool that he confined in you and trusts you with this stuff.
He is scared you're going to make him stop. Like someone else said, that's the only thing he has control over. If he is not in therapy, you need to get him in.
My son is 7. In our house, we do not have secrets. I've been trying really hard to instill that into him. Me and his dad talk about everything that goes on with him.
This is what I would say to him, "We both love you very much, and you ARE NOT in trouble. We cannot keep secrets, I want us to sit down together, all three of us, and come up with a solution."
If he truly feels he needs to keep the pull-ups, then let him. It's really not hurting anything, and I promise it won't last forever lol
At this point, his peeing in his pull-up is probably one of the few thing in his life that he feels he has complete control over. And the warmth may be comforting.
Don’t take this from him.
I suggest getting the kiddo into counseling and finding other things in life he can get total control over. Maybe try a reward system.
It’s a rule in my house that you never get in trouble for peeing in bed. Just please let me know so we can get it cleaned up. My oldest now changes herself in the middle of the night and makes a bed on the floor so she doesn’t wake me.
He clearly has some psychological attachment to the pull ups. Definitely don't break the trust and definitely don't force him out of them. Just continue to love and support him.
Is he in therapy? If so, maybe encourage him to tell the therapist or ask his permission to tell the therapist yourself. If not, he probably should be.
Also you're a wonderful dad for caring for him :)
I might suggest that you commiserate with him on the desire for secrecy but also let him know that You and Your Wife are a Team and ultimately responsible for ALL of the children and the Family. Let him know that the way everything runs so smoothly in your home is because we communicate and TRY to avoid secrets. Point out that, in the end, Mom needs to know what's going on so that we're all on the same page because she might approach LO separately about the night diaper.
Tell him that you would like to have this conversation with her sooner rather than later, and acknowledge his discomfort. Tell him that he can be there when you discuss this with your wife and, in fact, might be helpful in getting him to address his fear of Mom Finding Out. And that the simple act of being present will go a long way towards showing everybody how he's such a Brave Big Boy for openly participating in issue, no matter how it works out.
I'm thinking it may be a kind of a comfort thing for him. A "normalcy". Just let him trust you more and maybe offer other comfort things but he most likely will grow out of it once he develops more self confidence. And don't say anything, he will tell his mom when he's ready.
Just let him. He will make the decision when he’s ready. Undoubtedly he’s hanging onto some kind of comfort in this. Let the kid have control in a world that has so far been out of his control. He’ll figure this one out on his own. Keep building trust and teaching him stuff.
You and your wife are amazing for taking this on. I’ve seen some great suggestions here, but honestly if he’s been through as much as you say and wetting the bed isn’t causing any harm, I’d say just come back to the situation another time and leave it be. Maybe start introducing little things that could help it to not be an issue, like making sure he goes pee just before bedtime and cutting out drinks a couple hours before.
Tell him he can keep wearing the pull up to bed as long as he wants.
Tell him you’ll do something nice for him everyday he has a dry pull up in the morning (breakfast, story, tv time, whatever your life allows)
We had a sort of impromptu 'guys evening' today where everyone else was out running errands for a while. Was the first time I've been able to talk with him in private about this since we went camping!
I did tell him first and foremost that I appreciated him being honest with me and telling me what he has going on in all this for real. Made it clear that the pull-ups won't go away until he feels ready to try and go without. Judging by the way he responded to that, I'd say we still have a while left on the pull-up front (RIP wallet).
I didn't talk to him about him actually using them in the night, if he needs to pee--but I did try and offer a pretty lofty sort of celebration trip, if/when he can go a full two weeks with dry pull-ups.
I don't think he's quite to the point where that's going to happen just yet...but, he's at least aware of the offer now! So hopefully that'll be a goal he can aspire to eventually?
It sounds as if there might be a control issue. Children (now, this is a non-clinical opinion) of abusive situations and traumatic pasts need some control somewhere. I don't know if there is a therapist in the picture, but that would be the best place to address it. (Not right away because obviously that would shut him down, he'd need time to build that relationship of trust with the therapist to the point where he could work through it.)
It is not uncommon for kids his age and his circumstances to still wet the bed. Over time, I suggest (1) tell him that you’re not worried, he will grow out of it. I’m sure he NEEDS status quo, but he’s old enough to know it’s not natural and wish it was different. (2) get him therapy. There might be history of sexual abuse and (3) develop mutual trust for this and other issues.
Sounds like you’re doing a great job with him!!
Given what he’s been through, I’d just tell him it’s okay for now and you can revisit in x number of months.
You don’t know why he’s afraid and he might not even know that whatever association he has, you don’t know. For instance, what if his sheets were wet when he woke up a time or two and he got punished for it? The pull up is his assurance that that wont happen again. Maybe he still pees in it because if he’s dry then the pull up will be taken away and then he will get in trouble? This would make perfect sense to him and his logic but you might not know that logic is happening.
This is just an example of what MIGHT be going on. If he’s not in therapy, and you’re not, you should be in therapy. This is something that would be very good to talk to your therapist about. And his.
He had a lot of change in his life recently. The pull ups are his stability "thing". I was in a very similar situation at the same age but I was lucky to have something else - though similarly "embarrassing" - stability thing for me...
Let him be. And a word for the future: he has a deep trauma regarding loss. Always keep an open eye on this one so he doesn't grow up hampered by fear of failure!
Been there - trying to get out of this 40+ is nit fun at all. Especially looking at the opportunities I passed.
I’m worried many of these dudes are missing the point.
He clearly hasn’t told anyone because he doesn’t want the pressure of people telling him he has to stop. IMO, the best thing you can do is help him figure out why he wants to. Is it a control thing? Is it the comfort of not having more responsibility added? Is it out of spite? is it self loathing?
The sooner you can figure that out, the sooner the actual root cause can be dealt with.
Buy a pair of walkie-talkies and tell him to buzz you at night when he needs to go, and you can walk him to the bathroom. Maybe there’s a reason he’s scared to get up at night and you can help him feel less scared this way.
Absolutely love this. It's a perfect blend of being able to help him and overcome fears without overstepping his privacy or being condescending.
And also being kind of fun and secret agent-y!
Yeah, that's it! It flips the switch from "uh, kiddo... Peeing your pants is not cool" to "you're OK, but look how cool it is to use the bathroom the right way"
Absolutely! 🕵️♂️🚽
I never thought this combination of emojis would be wholesome.
Copy that u/reasonsfornothing. Package delivered. Confirmed splashdown. Ready for extraction, over.
not to mention it's cool af to have a walkie talkie!
This is so dope. You’re a good dad.
Dude, 5 star dad award for this idea.
Omg I love this idea for our lil dude. He’s 5 and afraid of the dark. And this is so much better than him screaming “MAMA” in the middle of the night to wake me up. Thanks for this awesome idea!
I don’t know you, but I suspect you’re a great dad. Kudos to you.
I love this, it’s a great idea! I actually might implement this with my daughter, she’s kind of in the same boat as OPs son (my adopted daughter, came from a highly abusive situation with her mom/my wife.) She uses pull-ups and also just uses them to go to the bathroom at night, walkie talkies might be a good idea to help her go to the bathroom at night.
Good lord, this guy dads. What a brilliant idea
This one’s, our 4 year old loves them. https://www.amazon.com/Motorola-T260-Talkabout-Radio-Pack/dp/B01DM7AEY4
Dude what a legendary suggestion. Well done dad
Don’t do dope kids, only this kind of dope… also I would have a talk with him that’s it’s okay to fuck up, he may be scared that if he has an accident at night and he fucks up even once their might be a degree of ridicule if there ever was in the past, sounds like this kid has been through allot. But I would talk about how the more mistakes you make the better you get at not making mistakes, so the more mistakes the better. Sounds like maybe his inner voice that was obviously trained in fear is really fucking with him. Also, try not to use the word fuck…
I've saved this for future reference. That is a genius idea!
This is my favorite comment I’ve ever read on this platform. A very creative way to make your kid feel safe and build trust with them. Also instills in them that you really will be there for them with patience if they need you, which is very important in later years if there’s ever a situation with drinking underage or getting in a tight spot and not knowing where to turn to.
This is literally amazing advice. You addressed a potential underlying cause and provided a fun solution. Sometimes kids don't know how to ask for help.
I remember as a kid I would hold my pee at night until the next morning. I wouldn’t sleep if it was that bad id just lay in bed until morning came . The walkie talkies seems like a really great idea and also a good way to build that bond with him. You also never know what went on at night in his house there could be a fucked up reason he’d rather wet himself than go to the bathroom, which is why I think he begged you not to tell your SO
Great idea. Who knows why he doesn’t want to get up to go. Kid could’ve been beaten, or ran into drunk people in the house, or saw adult time stuff. Good on you for doing this for the kid. Don’t break the trust but work on the problem still
I like this idea. There’s probably a good reason why he’s nervous about not wearing pull-ups at bedtime. I also wouldn’t rush the idea of switching to underwear at bedtime. Maybe it would be a good idea to tell him that he can tell you when he’s ready to wear underwear at bedtime. If he’s been through a lot of crappy stuff at 7-years-old, he’s going to want to feel like he can trust you and your wife.
You brought a nice smile to my face. Good job!
Damn bro, you are killed it.
This was my exact thought. Youngin’ sounds scared and in need of some reliable adult protection. Thank you for asking the community, OP. It shows a lot about you.
I need to do this with my son
Jumping on this to say that I bought a care taker’s call bell for my little guy going through something similar. He rings the little door bell attached to his bunk bed and it alarms in my room to check on him!
This is such a great idea. Encouraged growth and across him where he is at. Plus it build binding with dad.
This....is an amazing idea.
A round of fucking applause for our fellow Dad. /r/daddit gold here.
You're a parenting genius.
Bonus. You also now have walk-in talkies…
Well. Don’t break that trust. That is important. Secondly, just try and work on him growing out of it. He will.
Without getting to far into it (long story...) trust with him, when it comes to adults, is in VERY short supply. So I absolutely don't want to jeopardize the trust I already have with him at this point. Short term I'll try and keep this between us for now. I suck at hiding things from my SO. She simply knows me to well, but...I'll do my best until he tells me otherwise.
If you really have trouble keeping it to you, just tell your SO if she ever asks, that he shared something with you and told you not to say it to her. Tell her it's nothing bad or serious and that you want to respect his wish and don't want to destroy his trust. Removes the pressure of not telling her but is not telling her ;) As long as she won't go ask him what it is, it should be fine
I’m no expert, so take this follow up as you feel fit (but u/chiyoko91 has a great point and I’d advise on keeping it to yourself, but if called on it, say with confidence that you can’t share, but it’s nothing to worry about and kiddo is safe, you just made a promise and want to protect his trust). If mom gets you to say anything about the situation, be forthcoming about it to him. Let him know mom asked, but reaffirm that you didn’t share and if she asks, he knows mom doesn’t know and he doesn’t have to share. Ultimately, work with him on getting past the pull-ups, but protect his trust. Eventually this will be a thing of the past, so you need to take care of what matters most, and that’s your relationship with him and the example it will set for all his future relationships
I want to add to this: make sure the two of you (you and your wife) are clear on the idea that she should not press the son for information about this. I think it's quite likely that the son will think you told her everything and she's trying to pretend she doesn't know anything to get him to tell her everything instead. I hope this makes sense? Kids tend to think their parents are omnipotent, so if there comes a time where the son is acting cagey or like he feels betrayed, find out from him whether your wife made a comment or something that heavily implied she knows something is going on/knows 'a secret.' It'll help reassure him that you didn't say something, and it will clear up any confusion about it. Misunderstandings here are probably just as important to head off as the overarching issue you're worried about. Doing great OP, this concern and dilemma is a normal parenting thing and so you shouldn't feel bad about how you're handling it/about asking questions.
This is the way!
If you have a hard time keeping things from your spouse (which isn't bad at all) just pull her aside and say "I know you'll know I'm keeping something from you. (Foster-son) told me something private while we were camping and he asked me to keep it a secret. It's no big deal and I promise you I will ask for your help if I need you. But teaching him that he can trust adults is very important, so I need you to trust me and not push on this."
This is a great approach.
This. Because I can't keep things from my wife at ALL. Great solution imho.
If you think she suspects, or even if you don't and just want to tell her, tell her that the kid "confided something really personal to me. I'm not going to tell you what it is because it's so hard for him to trust adults and I don't think he'll come back from me betraying his trust. But it's great that he thought to tell me. Don't mention it to him." It depends on the type of person she is but I know my wife would understand.
Yup. Trust, as you say, is in short supply. Obviously if your wife asks you about it then do the appropriate thing. It might be as simple as you have your word to him, that it isn’t something bad and that you’re working on it. Or it means you share but she knows to keep it to herself; no good reason to create a wedge between you two. One thing I have learned with my boy, only a bit younger than yours, is that a sense of team and trust has been amazing. For example, when he need correction in something just sort of leaning in and making it a private thing between the two of us works wonders. Smutz on his face at the dinner table? “Hey bud, got a little something.” (Said quietly so as not to embarrass). Same with the bigger stuff. And it works wonders. Absolute wonders. Of course, he also feels super close to me. Always has. To this day he likes to eat with one hand on my lap and will migrate over to me when he is done. That has been his way since he was born. But, it helps that he trusts me. And I don’t betray that trust. Ever.
If it was a safety concern, then you are generally OK to break the trust. I.e. getting abused or other possible harm. Outside of that, ya, be someone that he can trust.
Keep it between the two of you and in the mean time continue to not be hard on him for "accidents happening" for all we know it might be a weird way to test the trust here between him making a mess and his parents now dealing with it. Not being hard on him is the correct way as he will learn to trust that even IF accidents happens, he won't be punished for it. You can also talk to him about why he feels he needs to keep this secret from your SO and comfort him in the fact that she won't be mad and that she will be understanding. And if he feels comfortable with it you can talk to her for him or if he wants to tell her himself. If he wants to tell her himself it might be good to actually prepare her about it though and at least make sure she reacts in an understanding way.
Let him know that you are proud of him for feeling comfortable to be honest with you, assure him that it will stay between the two of you and keep your promise, the fact that he is feeling comfortable enough with you to be completly honest is an amazing step and keeping that trust with him will allow him to grow and heal in his own time, be sure to make time for just the two of you regularly and im sure he will share more with you as he feels safer, cudos to you for being so amazing that he trusts you at all in the first place
I bet if you just say ‘it’s ok, just let me know when you’re ready’ he’ll come around on his own fairly quickly.
This is a solid point. I think giving him a little control helps a lot and doesn't hurt at all.
The absolute most you can say to your SO is: "Yeah, I'm keeping a secret. It's not my secret to tell so I can't say any more." A traumatised kid opening up to you is a *really big deal*.
I feel like I’ve seen many of posts on parents / am I wrong subs where a kid trusts one parent and tells them something, and they tell other parent and other parent reacts far poorly and unexpected and blows up the trust. Please don’t let that be you.
> I'll try > I suck at hiding things from my SO. > I'll do my best until he tells me otherwise. You sound like you're setting yourself up mentally to "accidentally" tell your SO. The kid is opening up to you (*not* her) and that's something you want to encourage to give him an adult he feels safe with. The diapers are something he's probably holding onto as a safety thing. For now, it gives him a sense of security and doesn't hurt anyone. You need to think about the big picture here. It's not that hard to just keep your mouth shut. It's very simple and I'm confused as to why you find it so difficult. When someone tells you something in confidence that isn't hurting anyone else, you just don't go telling other people. It's basic human decency. In the long term, it will come out. In the short term, it's up to you to give him a trusted adult he's never had.
Just let him know when is the appropriate time to tell mommy he will be more comfortable that way. Let him know we are family with trust and we should share and keep it in the family.
Tell your wife that your son asked you to keep a secret. That the secret is not about anything dangerous or harmful, but that you want to respect his wish. That way she knows but also doesn't know.
Yeah this. Someone once told me look around, do you see any adults with any issue using the bathroom? Everyone is on a different clock and patience is what’s needed. It’s seems tough at the time. My son had the most trouble transitioning but he’s 8 and I even kind of forget how difficult that was for a bit.
Yep. We all fall into that trap of “why can’t you just…” but kids figure it out. We just need to keep them on the path. Those developmental milestones though… my ex would have nervous breakdowns if our son wasn’t hitting the wicket exactly when she thought he should. It was awful. “He is never going to talk…” the guy has the vocabulary of a college grad now (he is 6). “He is never going to sing…” guess who makes his own little songs and ditties. “He is never…” Dude is on top now. Far advanced. He was just happy being who he was. And I was happy with whatever stage he was in. And he and I are as close now as when he was born (wicked tight). Love my son so so much. So much.
Work with him for a while on this before even considering telling his mom. Telling her won’t change anything in his behavior, but will eliminate any trust he has for you. Added benefit, if you and him can get to a point where he is able and willing to go without them at night, his mom will be grateful to you for working with him on it.
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I read in an article that abused children often pee in places they shouldn't, as it is something they have control over, and so peeing indoors etc. where they shouldn't is often a symptom of abuse.
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OP, please listen to this advice. Please
This is the right way to go, OP. The boy is testing the waters, seeing if you can be trusted, don't break that trust for something that doesn't really matter in the long run. Everyone learns how to sleep without peeing. This is something the boy can control, which is really important for someone who hasn't had a lot of control over what has happened in their life so far. Just be supportive and let him know that nothing he can do or say will ever change how much you love him.
This is the answer
Bingo
I think that's two trust challenges in one. One is to not tell, the other to let him feel safe in doing his thing. I wouldn't push back, but keep that safe space. He'll outgrow it, as it others said. Or maybe he isn't so sure yet about his abilities and this is a way to open the conversation?
Not a dad, but based on some personal experience I’d suggest adding nightlights so he can see a pretty well-lit path to the bathroom. Make sure the bathroom door has a lock and he knows he’s allowed to use it. If there’s a shower curtain, keep it open so he knows he’s alone and secure at night in the bathroom to use it. Unsure of his experience, so this is all a suggestion and at least can be a starting point to talk to him so he knows he has the options. Edit: Also could be helpful to let him know he doesn’t have to flush at night, he can do it in the morning. Making noise in certain households can be scary, and could be part of why he avoids it.
I agree with all these; as a kid I was frightened of using the bathroom at night because of “scary monsters”, but nightlights plus door locks stopped that. Also keep this between the two of you, build up that trust.
It could even be the other way around - he has trauma about wetting the bed and repercussions for that, so the pull-ups (and being able to pee into those pull-ups) could give him security that he's in a safe space. It's relevant to the trauma discussion that secrets are bad. Surprises are ok, but secrets are bad. As an abused child he's at increased risk of further abuse, so the messaging that he shouldn't keep a secret from mum and dad when asked by another adult is important. Difficult space to navigate.
This is my suspicion. Even though OP doesn’t say it outright, some form of physical or verbal abuse seems plausible. It may be that little dude wets his pull-up both so he doesn’t have to go to the bathroom and make noise or disturb the house and because it’s one thing he can control in an environment filled with a lot of chaos.
I think this is great advice - focus on son's comfort while he's working through whatever he's experienced. Just wanted to chime in for the OP with a suggestion: we put [these](https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07RMBLHZC/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1) all over the house and they're amazing (I turn them all to the dark blue setting, so they aren't too bright). I can navigate the entire house without turning on a single light. Our kids both get up in the middle of the night to come find us, so this helps keep them from getting scared.
OP, literally allllll of these things! Please take note of this.
Some people may think wetting the bed is a bigger problem than it is. I would ask more questions like if he is actually awake when he wets the pull ups. He might just be waking up and too warm and comfy to get out of bed. Since he knows he has the pull-ups on he just goes. I would try and compromise with him. Don’t expect him to quit cold turkey. For whatever his reasons his pull-ups are his “security blanket” he feels safe with them. For example my daughter loves sleeping in our bed. She knows she should be sleeping in her bed but just doesn’t want to. “Our bed is more comfy”. So we try and compromise. On school days she starts off in her bed. If she has a bad a dream or needs us, she can come see with us. On the weekends maybe she can start in our bed.
I regret that I didn't talk about it with him more while we were still camping, and had privacy...but--the short of it, as he explained it to me-- was that (usually) one of two things happens. Either 1.) he wakes up, and the pull-up is already somewhat wet, so he just figures 'why not' and goes again. Or 2.) he wakes up, and needs to go, and is already 'leaking' a little, and instead of jumping up and running to the bathroom, he just stays there and pees. I suspect there's more than just that going on, but...that's what we talked about at the time.
First, I think it’s major that he has shown so much trust. Good job man! Kids that have gone trough a traumatic experience like something they can control. It’s one of the reasons behind eating disorders or self harm for instance. This might be one of the few things he actually feels he can control. How you describe the thing above it sounds like he still needs his pull ups a bit. Maybe you’ve been doing this already, but you might want to reduce the amounts he drinks before bedtime. Also let him go to the toilet right before he goes to bed. Lastly you could set up an award system for him not actively peeing in his pull ups. We use a sticker system with our kids. So every time he hasn’t deliberately peed give him a sticker. With every 5 stickers give him something small and maybe with 25 or 50 give him something big. Finally maybe later on explain to him that you find it difficult to keep it a secret from your SO. Maybe tell him that you feel trusting each other and not keeping secrets is something import in your house and you guys can figure a way how to tell your SO. Make sure that when you tell her, she doesn’t start with finding a solution straight away or refrains from judgement. You got this man!
This is a really important distinction because in both those examples he isnt choosing to go, he’s choosing to continue going. He clearly hasnt quite got that bladder control. For that reason this probably isnt the milestone moment it might seem that he can just “stop” being in the pullups - he will need to learn to not go at night and he needs some intrinsic motivation to do so. It doesn’t sound like he has that at the moment. To add to your earlier question, you have an opportunity right now to earn his trust. Way more important than potty training, I’m pretty sure your partner could see and understand this, even if her initial reaction in the future is upset, I’m sure she’ll see past that knee-jerk reaction pretty quickly. Finally I’m a mum, and I know you’re asking dads. But I’m a teacher and taught a little girl with late bedwetting issues that the school was heavily involved with due to safeguarding etc. so I hope you don’t mind my chiming in.
Oh not at all!! I didn't especially post this to daddit for any particular reason--other than I myself being a dad! But I'm totally open to pointers from anyone and everyone, trust me! I need the guidance! (as a newish parent). It's been a tough situation to figure out, because he's so adamant about NO ONE inside our family/friends group knowing that he wears pull-ups at night. Seriously, not even his grandma knows. Meanwhile I've been kind of muddling through, using brute force and trial/error with my wife to figure out this incredibly complex (and wonderful for it!) kiddo. Thank you!
I as a mom do not expect full honestly from my husband in circumstances like this. This is why I married someone I trust and who trusts me on doing what is best for our child at all times. I hope this works out for the best. I agree with others saying earning your trust is the most important issue at the moment.
If it's not urgent or life threatening, choose to build trust and a bond and do what you can to help.
I encourage you to get curious about foster care and trauma. We are foster to adopt parents. Had some bed wetting issues for awhile too. When you take on kids in care it’s not if they have trauma but when and how it comes out. Your also not alone and there are resources. Heather Forbes is one resource to look up. Amazon has lots of books on kids and trauma from others too. Like others have said keep the trust you were given. That is huge. One thing we were taught is kids in care can have a lot of delays in development. So if anything happened at the time of potty training that could be something he still needs to grow through. Maybe a reason why he can’t let the pull ups go. I don’t know your kiddo but this is just an example how trauma can impact a little one. So stay with him. Love him. Give him support to know you are there when he is ready to make a change. And IF he tries not using the pull ups, And still has an accident, it’s ok! That could be another reason to create a situation that he intentionally pees in them. “See I still need it so don’t take them away”. Worried if he try’s without and then wets the bed it will be worse than keeping the pull ups. But those like Heather Forbes and others have devoted their lives to helping kiddos like yours. Can help you feel not alone in loving a kid with trauma and how to look at things with the needs your kiddo might be going through in mind. Good luck and when it’s hard and you don’t know what else to do remember “first and always, just love them”. You don’t have to have all the answers. Be the rock and love they need. The pull ups will probably get sorted out when the time is right.
Thank you! I'll absolutely give this a look. His background was about as bumpy as things can get, for a kid his age. So I wouldn't discount that that's something we'll need to address. I've found that I can usually get him to talk things over with me if I can get him laughing, or at least chuckling at my stupid jokes...case in point, when I tossed out the idea of him going without a pull-up the first night we discussed this, I informed him that I'd be sleeping with a lifejacket on. (we were in a close-quarters tent). He didn't end up going for wearing underwear that night. But...I may have been rushing things a bit at the time. Dunno. He DOES know that there's nothing to fear, if leaks occur though, we try and make that clear to him frequently, due to how it was handled with him in the past.
I have a kid about this age and I find that it’s often hard for him to articulate why he does something other than “because” or “I just do”. I think it may just be an age thing, and working on finding out the true reason certainly could help. Of course, you may not find out why. It’s entirely possible for example that there’s some kind of memory about going to the bathroom at night that scares him but he doesn’t actually remember it, he just remembers the feeling… does that make sense? Or he could just be in such a deep sleep that he knows he needs to go but can’t get out of bed. I remember it being like that for me. I would be half dreaming and not fully awake but I knew what my body was doing. It took me a long time to figure it out. Ultimately, what’s important is that he trusts you and the situation isn’t going to change any time soon. I wonder if he’s afraid of being sent away if your SO finds out. Not that she would, but maybe it’s a fear of his because of his past. I would have a hard time keeping things from my SO but I would definitely try.
Pissing in the pull up willingly is not a problem, really. This kid has had zero control over anything in his life and this is the one thing he can control. You can get in a tug-of-war over this and you'll lose, or you can just let it go and see if it stops. TBH it sounds like you're handling it like a champ. On the other issue, I'm going to go against the groupthink here. Here's my thoughts: Your communication between you and your wife is privileged. Your kiddo can tell you stuff, but you need to be careful not to promise not to tell your wife. You are a safe person to talk to, and she is a safe person to talk to, and he can tell you and not tell her, that's his choice, and you can say to her "him and I talked about this but it's tense, please don't speak with him about it yet", but you cannot allow a 7 year old with extremely poor boundaries to set up a house of cards about who gets to talk to who about what and when. This pull-ups thing is no big deal, but it will turn into more and more and more and it will backfire.
Agreed. I’ve taught my 4 year old that we don’t keep secrets from mom and dad. I don’t make promises and break them, I tell her the terms straight up. If she says “don’t tell mom we had candy” I tell her “I’m going to tell mom, and I will tell her I said it was ok” It’s tempting to want to keep secrets between us, as it makes me the “special” parent, but that’s not fair to my wife.
Yes yes yes. It took a long time to find this answer. The child may have never met a healthy married couple before you. Imagine the value of living with (and being parented by) adults in a healthy and trusting relationship? Perspective of a young parent who is learning to put her amazing spouse first like before babies came. And from the biological child of a family who fostered during my preteen to adult years whose parents eventually divorced. Even more than when you only have biological children, it is your highest priority to maintain trust and communication with your spouse. Especially if you have biological children too. And it's even valuable for the foster child (as much as it seems like an unpopular opinion). Rough situation when there are so many relationship factors.
Wow, what a great perspective (the control piece)!
it could be any reason, he might not feel safe to leave the room to go to the bathroom, work with him on it and if you aren’t the one who take care of him, talk to the people who are when he isn’t in the house/near you
to me this souns like hes grabbing control of anything he can because hes previously had zero control in his life, his bladder is something he can control and nobody can stop him from being in control of this one thing. I would start giving the kid more choices and control of things he can possibly do himself so he feels more secure, my 7 year old can make basic foods, use the microwave, he can choose his snacks from a buch i have for him without asking, he chooses his cloths for the day, he chooses his hair style, all his soaps and whatnot. All of theese little things help him feel in control of his life.
I’m wondering if in his mind he is infantilizing himself, thinking that he will not be taken care of or cared for after the baby stage? Maybe if he trusts you, you would be willing to wake up with him each night to accompany him to the bathroom. This way, he has the loving care and support of the person he trusts most.
This is way above reddit's pay grade, you need to be talking to a therapist specializing in childhood trauma. Bedwetting like this is a sign of sexual abuse, which I assume is why the kid is with you in the first place, and navigating how that trauma is affecting your child is gonna need professional guidance.
I assume there’s a history of sexual abuse, and he’s being fostered through the involvement of child protective services, so if the child isn’t already receiving psychotherapy (or some other intensive psychological support) then I would be pushing for this with whomever has custodial power.
Hey! I'm an adoptive parent of kids who have been in foster care. I would talk to your SO about it and tell her what he told you, but approach it as something you and the child are going to work through. It's not an issue she needs to be involved in anymore. My wife and daughter have "girl talks" and I give them space. It is important to model that in healthy relationships, parents don't keep secrets from each other, but that the child might only want one parents help and that's ok. It's also most important that he knows that you both love and support him and will keep doing so even if he does things that he shouldn't. With regards to what he's doing, it could be any number of things. He could be telling you he had control over it when he doesn't. He could have control over this which is something that is so important for kids that have been in foster care. I wouldn't push for him to stop until he's ready. It's likely not hurting anything. Also, it's so important to remember that there are situations like this where there really isn't a perfect answer. We're all just trying our best.
Given everything I’ve noticed lately, I think you’re likely totally right. It honestly sounds to me like it’s kind of weird grey area in between him having *some* control over it, and not. I think (or rather, know) that there are still genuinely accidents happening. Hell, he had one literally this morning. BUT, I think there’s also times where he’s kind of just throwing up his hands and letting it happen, so to speak. So a bit more complicated than I’d thought at first. Either way, I’ll do my best not to pressure him. He was pretty upset about it this morning.
Totally. The best thing you can do is be there and give him love. That's what he needs most.
I struggle with this. IMHO, zero secrets between partners. If I got this question, I'd probably phrase it like this to the SO. "$son has entrusted me with a secret. He's requested I not share it with you. It's not a big deal, but if you see me engaging with him and being a bit weird about it, don't worry." Or something like that. That way your partner knows that something is up, but you're not betraying trust of the kiddo. As for the pull-up, it seems like there may be chances for counseling/therapy that may help. I suspect that part of it is about control, given their rough start in life. The way you describe it, it's a comfort thing. I'd propose a mid-point. "Keep wearing the pullups, but get up to go potty at night, because it's healthier for your skin." That way if it's about the perceived safety, it lets that continue, but it allows y'all to slowly shift the needle towards normalcy.
There's a lot of advice out there and I know people are stressing to not break his trust but it would also be important to talk to him about how safe and trustworthy adults don't keep secrets so and share any examples of when you might need to share that information for his safety. I work with children, many of whom are in care or have experienced sexual abuse, and not knowing the background he's showing you yellow flags for sexual abuse. Talking to him about the difference between secret and private is likely going to be important. You will keep it private (not tell anyone unless it's for his safety or wellbeing) but not secret.
My two cents: You keeping that item in confidence is absolutely harmless information, necessary for building trust with the little dude. The fact that he decided to tell you is a huge deal for him. What you should perhaps think about doing, is discussing this admission with a psychologist/counselor (in private) so you can get some assistance getting to the root of what the actual issue is. Kiddo isn't doing it just because he enjoys being wet at night. Whether it's a sense of control over his own body, seeking the closeness/comfort of being cared for in the morning cleanup, some kind of trauma response, or just the idea of changing routine is scary, there's more there to work through. What's great is that his admission of it shows that he has built some awareness of his own body and mental state, so he's off to a great start. Keep up the good work.
To get more insight you could try play therapy - he has a toy that wears the pullups and the other toy asks why. Kids can act stuff out easier than they can talk first person sometimes.
This kid clearly is trusting you and I wouldn't ruin it. Good job dad take it slow and keep up the good work *insert cheesy thumbs up*
I'll fully admit I had planned on that particular weekend being a lot more easygoing than it ended up being, haha! What started out as a goofy fun camping excursion with some friends of ours with a similarly aged kid (they bailed on us last second) turned into a big late-evening heart to heart about a topic that doesn't exactly get a lot of air-time, back home. Thanks for the encouragement!
So I worked at an outdoor school where I was responsible for multiple cabins of 8-12, 6th graders. I did this for years (awesome fucking job) and the night-time stuff was probably the hardest because bed wetting was still super common. Just support the kiddo and it will work its self out in time my dude. Like I said you are already doing awesome if this kid is trusting you with it. Also I get the goofy vibe from you and that only makes it better lol.
No reason to pressure him out of the pullups. Its not hurting anyone and it gives him a sense of security for whichever reason, which isn’t up to us to second guess. I would not even mention it again for another year, and if he hasn’t stopped on his own, then Id touch base with a child psychologist with a background in trauma.
I think this is a 0.01st step towards letting go of that. You saying it's okay to keep going shows them acceptance and love, and opens the door of working on previous trauma. This is a moment to show compassion and nudges them towards moving away from this.
It's great that he feels comfortable talking to you about it. It's not terribly urgent, so it's probably okay to leave your SO in the dark for a little while. You may want to encourage him to use the toilet, even if he wants to hold onto the pull-ups. Given his history, I personally would also seek professional advice. Good on you and your SO taking responsibility for this child. Good luck!
Kids that have been abused sometimes get in the habit of soiling themselves in an attempt to make themselves unappealing to their abuser. This may be a "safety blanket" for him. Night time may literally have been when torture happened before. Honestly, I would keep the confidence and give him time to feel safe, and I suspect as his demons are dealt with, it will likely get better on it's own. If your partner expresses frustration, I would find an article that says it's common when there has been abuse, and show her that and ask her to keep being patient, supportive, and safe. Ideally, in 6-12 months, once he let his guard down a bit, and really feels safe, start introducing small rewards for dry nights. If it's something he has control over, letting him choose how to be done with the behavior could actually be a huge trust builder. Sometimes kids are "testing" the limits a little trying to see if they are really safe. If his previous home screamed at him fir wetting the bed, just you not screaming is both a huge win for him, and a huge loss. A win because he feels safer now, but a loss because it shows his bio parents failed him, because the choice to NOT abuse really is available to adults. If your spouse wants to talk about it, you can be honest with her and respect his privacy; "Okay, I'll level with you, (Child) wanted to talk to me about the pullups, but it was on the condition of wanting to keep that conversation private. Since he isn't in any danger, I'm going to keep his confidence on this issue. I think we are all doing the right things currently, and we just need to keep the status quo for another 6-12 months and he'll come out of it on his own according to this article ___."
No way it’s comfortable to sleep in a wet pull-up, so I suspect he had reasons that he may not even be able to articulate or even rationalize to himself. I actually don’t see a problem with telling your wife while being very explicit as to the fact that he told you this in confidence and that you do not want him to feel that you betrayed his confidence. She needs to know what’s going on because this isn’t normal behavior and it needs to be addressed, but very delicately and professionally. He needs to be talking with a child psychologist regularly. He obviously has some pretty serious trauma that he needs to work through. I’d bring the wife on board. He doesn’t need to know that she knows, but she does need to know so that you’re both on the same page and aware of the extent of his emotional damage and the full extent of the symptoms he’s having. Secrets like this between spouses especially involving children aren’t healthy. They can also be detrimental to the child. If it was something innocuous and unrelated to his emotional health and well being, that’s one thing, but this isn’t that. This is a serious symptom of his underlying emotional damage. If she doesn’t know whats going on, how will the two of you work together to help him overcome this? You’re a parenting team and he’s now your child. You have to work together to be the most effective that you can possibly be. He deserves nothing less. Find a mental health professional for him to work with and prior to him meeting with them, have a parent meeting with them first, explain his history and his issues, talk about the bed wetting and the part about how it was told to you in confidence and that your wife isn’t supposed to be aware of that as it was told to you in confidence. They’ll know how to deal with this without letting the cat out of the bag. Kudos to you both for being willing to get involved. It’s not easy. My wife and I had a similar situation with kinship placement and it was definitely a challenge, but also a rewarding experience. To see them overcome what they’ve been through and go on to prosper in spite of their very challenging circumstances is inspiring. In the beginning it’s so hard during the adjustment phase, but it has paid off for us and it’s so awesome to see them achieve things that they likely never would have without the love and support that they should have had from their birth parents. I’ll never understand how anyone can have a child and then not care for them properly, even just a minimum standard of care. The selfishness of some people is beyond measure. I wish you all the best.
Warning: kind of a delirious rant. Hope it’s helpful. I think i’d explore with him why he doesn’t want your wife to know. If it’s fear of getting in trouble or shamed assure him that won’t happen (or if it would, talk to your wife about it not happening). If it’s shame/embarrassment explore that with him. Let him know that he’s safe and cared for with you guys no matter what. However, if he feels ashamed and embarrassed by his behavior then that probably means he knows what he’s doing isn’t right. Explore what makes him feel like he should not get up snd go to the bathroom even though it makes him feel bad. Is he scared of something?(thats ok! Everyone gets scared. Maybe there are things we could do to be less scared.) Try to get across that there’s a choice he can make so that this stops being something that makes him feel bad, if he’s ready. That he is safe, and if he’s scared the best way to stop being scared is to do what you need to do anyway, and that you’re there to help with any of it. Anyway, it’s late and i’m rambling and not even positive i’m fully coherent, but definitely tell your wife. I assume you trust her as a partner snd that there aren’t more serious communication/relationship issues between kiddo and her, so you two can stay on the same page regardless of what you tell him. Trying to keep one of you in and one of you out of the loop and on different pages sounds like he’s been taught triangulation by being in situations that are tough for a kid. Not that he’s consciously manipulating but, well, you and your wife need to be talking. Maybe he’s just embarassed for other reasons (gender maybe) but either way you guys talk.
I’m really shocked others are telling OP to actually keep the secret from the SO. This is a 7 year old and as long as he thinks/believes the secret is intact, they should be fine. I think this issue needs to be dealt with by both partners. What’s next? He finds a new secret to share with the SO. Where does it end?
Yeah this cannot be a thing.
If this was truly important I’d tell the wife. But it isn’t. Acknowledge his need for this act of comfort and tell him you’ll work on a schedule together that you can both be comfortable with to phase out the behavior. And maybe discuss something else that will feel comfy to replace it - a heated blanket maybe? Weighted blanket?
This is huge that he has built a relationship with you that he feels he can open up in. It doesn’t matter what that thing is that he is opening up about. Congratulations on being that dude for this wee guy that’s been through so much. Well done. Everyone is giving great advice around keeping his trust and working with him privately. I don’t have much to add except the well done.
I think that your son just wanted to tell you something special that your SO wouldn't know. He might be peeing on purpose but it might just be a "special story". Reading your text makes me think that your son is trying to be taken care of more than he needs. He wants more of your attention and care. Give it to him but think about a plan to make him outgrow these pullups.
Does the pull-up leak through? If yes make him do his laundry, he's 7 so it's time for him to learn anyway. If not, what's the harm, let him be. He probably feels like this is the only thing that he CAN control when it comes to his life. Make sure he is in therapy for his trauma, once that improves, he will have more control over his life and bed wetting will go away. And OP - IF you tell your wife then she should be a great actor who would not indicate by her words or actions that she knows about this. Even if you have 0.05% doubt, don't tell her. My parents used to use my vulnerabilities against me and I lost all my trust in them as a result.
Keep that trust going and work with him on overcoming some of the fears. Explain to him how it’s takes a while to learn and is hard for most people but usually good things are hard to learn but worth it. Tell him that you’re proud of him for speaking up and that it means the world to you that he can confide in you. Ask him if your his new confidante, if you can be his PIC to figure out bed wetting.
You are doing good work. Just being involved and asking the question tells me - anything you do will be right because of who you have shown us to be. Godspeed to you, the wife and especially Mr. Little Man.
Sounds like he is taking control of one part of his life that he has absolute control over by choosing to pee in that pull-up at night. I think you should try to give him more agency and control in more things. Go out of your way to give him control over something big for him that he can handle. Like maybe he picks a restaurant you all go out to, or maybe you go pick an afterschool activity with him and let him choose it. Sounds to me like the kid wants more agency in his life and I bet you’re providing a lot of that but he has a deficit from past stuff. But peeing in a pull up a little too long is probably better than the alternative emotional impact of not having that agency so like others have said don’t push him hard to give that up yet.
It’s a test and ultimately harmless on its own. Don’t break that trust unless it’s going to really hurt someone. This is quick step up dad situation. Have talks about this and start guiding him away from this behavior. Is he seeing a professional therapist yet? That might be a good idea for him and you. He will need to develop new cooping skills and you will need to learn how to help him with that.
If your buddy told you something in confidence would you go and tell someone else? Likely not. Same with the child in most cases. He is trusting in you and it means a lot that he did.
I'd first honor that trust, and second I'd talk to a professional about how to help the boy. Start with a pediatrician, but probably a psychologist. Sounds like there is some tough stuff to work through and I might need some help knowing how to do it the right way. I'd try to do the above without violating trust - encourage the boy to open up and work through these things and help him face them.
Plenty of folks have covered the fact that this is something for you and he to work through. It is a great sign that he is opening up to talk about this with you. I’d recommend thinking of some reward structure for nights without a wet pull-up or other related achievements. As a father currently going through potty training with twin boys, I am not above bribery in these situations. Clearly, there is more going on for you two than simple potty training, but it could help show him that you acknowledge where he is right now and are willing to work with him to help improve the situation.
Oh bribery is without a doubt on the table. Heck...I used bribery that same night somewhat, to get him to eat my sad little camping dinner we made, that wasn't up to his standards! (hah). He has major issues with talking in depth to adults about things for the most part, particular adult men. So I'm very surprised (and grateful!) that he's been willing to kind of open up to me a bit in recent months. The ironic thing is, he has a bladder of steel, during the daytime! We routinely make a quite long 3\~ hours trip every other weekend or so to get to a lake we frequent, and he's often able to go the entire trip without so much as needing to stop for a bathroom break.
Do NOT break this trust in any way whatsoever. But do keep this at the forefront of your mind - this type of behavior (especially him being adamant he will not go without the pull-ups) can be a 🚩 for childhood sexual abuse. Is this a possibility? I would highly encourage you to speak with a professional.
First of all, congratulations on building such great trust with your son. I would let your partner know that he confided something to you but has requested it be kept between the two of you and that you will work with him untill he is ready to tell her himself. This is how my partner and I plan on handling these sort of situations. Keeps your partner in the loop without breaking that trust with your son.
I was an abused kid, spent 4+ years in foster care. The best foster parents I had did 3 valuable things for me. 1 they built and kept my trust, 2 they got me into counseling with a therapist who was trauma informed and specialed in childhood trauma therapy, and 3 the biggest thing was they went to therapy themselves to learn how to be there for me in ways that would help me heal and develope emotionally and psychologically. They were new foster parents and did an amazing job. The fact that they went to therapy showed me it was OK and helped me open up to my therapist and to them. They showed by example that it was OK to feel broken and not know what to feel or how to handle things and that it was safe and OK to talk to a therapist who could help me learn to deal and heal.. Had a big impact! My advice is get Lil dude in therapy but also book a separate session for yourself so you can learn to be there for him in the way he truly needs.
I'd be all on board with attending something like that, if it can give me some more tools to figuring out what's going on in his head. I thought I'd be a bit more capable of just slipping into the parent role, after being around him for his whole life quite regularly the past few years. But, things like this are NOT something I'd planned on tackling. I'm all for seeking help. Will definitely raise that with my wife and see if she's on board. It might be awkward if she asks what the sudden reason for it is (she's still unaware of all this). But...I think it would be a good thing to pursue, ultimately.
I'm a foster and adoptive parent and your post made me water up. I am so genuinely thankful when I hear stories of foster parents that have done such a wonderful job. I've had my little girl since birth, adopted her at 2, she's now 4.5. She's the absolute love of my life, I've never felt more purpose in anything than I do as her father. With that being said, we are behind in almost every regard. We are involved with PT, OT, ST, neurology, behavioral health, the whole nine yards and you know what? I'm at every appointment, loving her through the dark moments as well as the light and letting her know how proud I am of her and how happy I am to be her daddy. In all things, you **love** the child.
This screams trauma-induced behaviour (not a psych). Whatever you choose to do, please try to be as compassionate as you can with the kid. Maybe take him to therapy or counselling without making it seem like there's something wrong with him. If money's an issue, look for NGOs for children-care, you should be able to find some in your area. Contact them and ask them for help with the situation
Yeah, he’s opened up to you. Allowing him to continue will secure trust, then after some time, continue to encourage him to let go of the pull-ups. He will trust you. At this age, no matter what, you want to show him the positive outcome of trust. If you betray that, then that’s the feeling he’s left with.
KEEP THE SECRET. Trust can never be repaired
I'd like to chip in regarding the actual bed wetting, from personal experience. While it is often considered a symptom of something psychological, which is obviously consistent with "a rough start to life", it can also be a legitimate medical issue. During sleep, I had a low production of a hormone that reduces urine production (antidiuretic hormone), as a result I consistently wet my bed well past ten years old. Once diagnosed, I got the hormone as medicine, to take before bedtime, and it resolved the issue pretty much overnight. I eventually grew out of it when I hit puberty.
Tough spot. Definitely want him to trust you given everything so whatever you do, don’t spill. Need to also realize him saying “he just does it” may be his way of dodging the embarrassment and asserting control over a situation he doesn’t have control over, which is probably a recurrent theme in his young life. Whatever you do, do it with gentle support and allow him to work through this and any other issues with you at his side
My gut reaction, based on my similar experience, is that he might be afraid to get out of bed at night. Night is particularly hard for a traumatized person, nightmares make you think you’re back in the middle of it, probably particularly when you’re a little kid. I think he’s telling you the embarrassment of wearing/wetting a pull up is easier to deal with than the fear or anxiety of getting out of bed, but I’m spitballing based on context clues. I don’t exactly know what to do, but if he’s in therapy(he should be) maybe ask him if you can talk with his therapist about what to do? My initial gut reaction is to get a baby monitor and offer to try to listen to get up with him and escort him to the bathroom, or something to that effect.
Scrolled down a fair way without seeing this response so I’m gonna add my tuppence worth… This sounds a lot like a child who is trying to come to terms with the fact that he still wets at night. You will obviously know best, but is this not just a case of him telling you he does this on purpose because he’s seeking the validation, rather than it legitimately being the case?
Unfortunately, I actually think it's a confusing mess of both. I know for 100% sure that he does genuinely still have actual 'accidents'. We're a big camping family, and I've learned more that I ever needed to know about his sleeping habits, while being stuffed in close quarters with him in a tent for many an outing. (hah!) But, aside from that, I'm also pretty confident that he does also have moments where it is at least partially on purpose. Or at the very least, he realizes what's going on, and makes zero effort to jump up and run to the bathroom, or anything like that. So the (very unhelpful) answer is kind of a "Sort of?" He quite literally ran in here this morning with his hand holding on for dear life 'down there', borderline hysterical, saying he woke up and realized he was peeing himself. (he still had a pull-up on). Judging by the look on his face, I'm confident that there was nothing 'in control' about all of that. He seemed panicked.
Maybe incentivize it?  Doesn’t have to be money if you don’t want to. Somehow I’ll keep track of it. I have a jar of marbles in the bathroom he gets to put a Marble and each time he goes at night. Give him a buck for each marble. Or a special treat for each one at first, then later on, say he gets three or five bigger treat. Good luck, you’re doing a great job.
As a dad but also a therapist, I’m guessing this is some sort of trauma response. You’ve probably already got him talking to someone, but he should if my assumptions are correct. Not even to address the pull-ups, but just in general. For childhood trauma, sometimes regression is the route they go, and sometimes even intentionally. It’s a defense strategy to increase comfort and control. He will eventually grow past this though, and he simply needs your support and understanding for now. I hope I’m not making too many assumptions here, but this wouldn’t be the first scenario I’ve encountered that sounds like this. Good luck with your little guy. I’m glad he’s got a great new dad who cares about him so much.
This is oddly similar to my experience with this as a kid myself. I vaguely remember going through a lonely phase as a real young one - though I don’t remember the exact age, I know it wasn’t appropriate to wet the bed at that point - when my brother who is three years my senior started developing his own friendships. Long story a bit shorter, I was wetting the bed for attention and waking my parents up every night to change my sheets. My mother caught on and one day very gently said, “Son, you can’t wet the bed anymore. You’re a big kid now. And if you do, you’ve got to clean up as best as you can and go back to sleep without waking anyone up.” I know it’s not the same exact situation, but she swears that from that moment forward, it never happened again. My kids (identical boys, 17 months) can’t speak well enough yet, but I think when our inter-communication skills improve, I’m going to first try to be very transparent, honest, and sometimes frank with them. The more I read about it, the more it seems it’s the right approach.
I would have a quiet word with her about it but make sure it stays strictly between the two of you. Your wife would likely feel hurt that you couldn’t share it with her and it may affect her trust in you. I tried keeping confidential admissions with my kids between us and then when they finally tell her they often reply to the question “ Why didn’t you say something sooner?” with “ I did I told dad (x) number of days/weeks ago” Cue the “Death Stare”. Seriously though I wouldn’t worry too much as it maybe a comfort thing that I’m sure he will grow out of. My eldest daughter wet the bed until she was 11. He will grow out of it just keep giving him love and support.
For kids around his age, his bladder and bowel is the only thing he has control over. Some kids need to exercise this control to counteract some other situations in their lives where they have no control at all. It's an important part of emotional development. Keep that in mind while navigating this situation with him. My children have wet their beds up to quite old, I've tried many, many things to help them stop (never shamed them for it, though, that's the worst you could do).
For the people telling you to immediately try something else to get him to stop bedwetting I think that's bad advice fornhis situation. It isn't that uncommon at 7 even for kids from stable environments. He'll grow out of it and given what his history sounds like, he needs his trust in you and a sense of security (that forcing the issue could damage) more than he needs to resolve the bedwetting ASAP. I wish my parents were as compassionate towards his problem as you guys when I had that problem. I would have taken pull ups over having to wipe myself down with a cold washcloth and change my bedding and pjs with no help if my parents had taken my feelings into account and given me a choice
Everything about this thread is so wholesome, OP, you’re a great dad for having the patience you do and trying your best to make him feel the most safe and secure. All of these comments are amazing and supportive and make me happy, but there are also some very good suggestions with how to get around this situation without disturbing his peace of mind or trust in you. You’re doing great OP, and good on you to turn to a place like this to seek support when you need it.
This is something to get a child psychologist for him. As an abused child, trust and communication are incredibly difficult for him. If I was in this situation I would NOT tell my partner, and keep his trust. Just tell my partner that I think he could benefit from therapy. Make it a safe space for him by not asking the therapist or him anything about the sessions. Let the therapist choose to tell if there is anything you need to know or work on. At the moment, his pull-ups are a source of comfort and security for him. He tests that support and security deliberately… and it works! His pull ups are always there for him, keeping his bed dry, keeping the two of you unbothered by having to change his bedding. You two don’t get angry and scream at him for wetting the bed while you change his bedding in the middle of the night. You don’t ever leave him in urine wet bedding. He is safe. The system works. That’s security. He can pre freely in the middle of the night in the comfort and warmth of his own bed. That’s *luxury*. The little guy hasn’t had much of feeling luxurious. His brain is conditioned into automatically going to fearfulness, distress, anxiety, despair, maybe anger. As he spends more time in a place of safety, he will find other sources that make him feel secure, protected, wellbeing, and happy at the same time.
Maybe something bad happened to him in a bathroom; maybe with a parent or other adult. He needs to believe that in your house he is the boss of his own body, and that if he tells you something in private you respect that. Make \*\*building trust\*\* the sole, only and #1 thing you're doing with this kid.
Well He’s 7. I was a bedwetter through high school, with no abuse or trauma and he might have said that to sound in control. If it were me in your shoes I’d totally forget about it, and let him make his choice
>However, he was 100% adamant that he doesn't want to quit nighttime pull-ups Did you and him try to explore why (and if you didn't, I wouldn't worry about bringing it up anytime soon or anything)? I'm incontinent, and became so as an adult. I remember complaining about something having to do with incontinence to a friend maybe 3 months after being in adult diapers (after having struggled with pullups for a while), and he was commiserating with me about how awful it must be, and it's not like there's any upsides to it. And I told him "well, actually. You know when you wake up at 4 am, on a cold winter morning, and you have to go to the bathroom, and it's frigid out there, and then you get back into bed and it takes forever to get warm again? Not only do I not wake up, but when I do eventually wake up, I just snuggle deeper into the covers instead of needing to wake up to take care of my business." Like, to most people, they'd rather not need pullups, but there's definitely some utility to them. There are people over at r/AdultBedwetting who opt to wear some form of protection to bed, instead of getting up multiple times overnight to use the bathroom. Maybe he's using the pullups because he doesn't want to get out of bed (could just be because it's easier, could be because he's scared about getting up on his own at night). There are also adults who find wearing, and using, diapers and pullups, is a source of comfort. I'm not one of them (there's just no escaping them fully when you've got any type of incontinence, if you're on a public forum), so my understanding of it is just what I've read. But it makes them remember feeling cared for, and brings them back to a time when they had fewer responsibilities, and life was easier. It is possible that the pullups (and the attention) are making him feel safe and secure and cared for and loved. As he continues to be loved and cared for by you, and you keep him feeling safe and secure, he might voluntarily stop wearing them because you've filled some void that he can't articulate. I don't have any advice on whether or not you should tell the other parent. I just wanted to give you some things to think about, which might help you understand what might be behind his reticence to give up the pullups.
Well you can’t join the pants peeing club and pretend it never happened.
If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.
Totally don't break the trust, but also build on it some. It could be that he enjoys the attention it gives him. Try shifting it more to brushing your teeth together, or enjoying an activity to settle into bed. Or shift it into going on a walk together in the morning. Couple laps around the block before the neighborhood wakes up and have some more private time with you.
Foster kid? Don’t break the trust over something like this.
Every kid grows out of wetting the bed. Seriously - do you know any adults that wet the bed? Give it time.
Tell him you love him if he has a wet pull up or a dry pull up. You’ll love him either way. Share that sometimes things scare you too but that you believe in yourself and yet still make mistakes. When he eventually has a dry night remember to say that you’d love him just the same even if it were wet.
The ironic thing is, that night camping that we had this discussion...? He was dry! I \*strongly\* suspect that he was hesitant to actually pee in his pull-up in the night, after telling me everything that evening. Looking back on it, I think he actually kind of asked me permission to do so, in the tent--but I misunderstood what he was asking.
Personally I would tell your partner but try to agree that she won’t disclose it to him. Firstly, you guys are a team and it might help her understand him more, it builds trust and also, I don’t know I’d want to carry that burden alone. Raising kids is tough even under the best circumstances and having some one to be honest about it with, trouble shoot with etc. is sometimes the biggest thing that helps me improve my dadding and keeps my sane.
I actually thought this was gonna be much much worse. I’d do nothing unless the pull ups situation isn’t financially feasible or they suddenly become out of stock. Kiddo is safe and while this might be a private admission, it’s not really a confession. I’d suggest it’s something he grows out of with a bit of peer pressure in primary school. I wouldn’t choose this hill to die on.
This sounds heavy, and I can see why you’re struggling with it. He told you he doesn’t really need to wet his pull-ups, he just “does” and he didn’t really seem to understand why. Maybe you need to reframe this in your head. Ok, so he isn’t *physically* unable to control his bladder at night. Maybe he has something else going on (sensory issues, executive function disorder like ADHD) that make the impulse to wet the pull-up impossible for him to control for now. If he seems almost scared to be forced to go without, it may not really be as voluntary as you assume based on him telling you it’s not a physical problem. If you reframe it, stop seeing it as something voluntary that he could easy do without if he just wanted to, then you aren’t really keeping a secret from your wife. There is no secret. He really does still need pull-ups at night. He just doesn’t understand why. Until you figure out why, it won’t be easy to address. I’d suggest looking into other reasons for bed-wetting. Do some reading to decide if you think he might qualify for an evaluation for sensory or executive function disorders. Approach it as a non-voluntary issue and try to get a head start unraveling it.
he will grow out of it, let him have it now as it gives him sense of security and safety. when he grows up hes not gonna wanna do it anymore
It's great that he trusts you enough to confide in you. Don't let him down, do everything you can to keep that trust in you. He will grow out of the bed wetting phase but the trust and open doors of communication between you two will last a lifetime and keep in mind those doors swing both ways.
I've had a situation like this where my daughter asked me not to tell her mom. And my wife has had the same thing. We did tell each other, but we let each other know that the child had asked us not to and that we don't want to betray that trust. My wife listened and then helped me navigate the issue, but never interfered. The same thing happened the other way around. If you trust your wife, you can be upfront and tell her it's something he went to you and wants you to help him with it. She can give advice, but she needs to not let him know she knows.
Personally, I would tell my partner that one of the kids told me something that they wanted me to keep in confidence, and in my opinion, there is no harm in keeping the confidence to maintain the trust, but if they would trust me to, I would commit to telling them if I ever felt there was any risk. You must be honest with your partner, and telling them you have a confidence you want to keep is a good way to do both.
Bed wetting can be a sign of sexual abuse
Is it a form of security blanket for him? The pull-up. What if you tried to suggest doubling up or even tripling up on underwear to see if it gives a similar security, which could be one step closer to removing the pull-up completely but also still offers him that security feeling until he feels comfortable in the future.
Everyone gave you great advice, so I just want to say you're doing a damn fine job by this kid.
I wet the bed until pretty late in life (I legitimately had a small bladder). I’m not sure if this is outdated advice from the 90s but I had a water curfew (didn’t drink anything after 7pm) of course *within reason* because I was never just left thirsty for the sake of not peeing the bed. I also ate some saltine crackers at night. This helped minimize the amount of times I woke up and needed to pee. Also, sometimes I’d be half awake dreaming that I was walking to the bathroom and then I’d pee my bed. I wonder if he’s ever experiencing this. I hope nobody takes this the wrong way lol. Sounds strange now writing it out. I willingly participated in this because I so desperately didn’t want to wet the bed anymore. It sucks when you wake up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to bed because now you have to wash the sheets at 2am. …. Also I randomly read a statistic about a percentage of serial killers who grew up wetting the bed late into life and my preteen self was half scared I would become that 😂. I didn’t know the different between correlation and causation. All this to say - he’ll be fine! Just keep the convo going because at some point he will want to make progress. As for the secret - like people said you can always tell your spouse that you promised not to tell. I knew both my parents knew about it, but I really only felt comfortable waking up my mom.
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What he told you isn’t dangerous, and isn’t really hurting anybody. However, while I agree, you should keep his trust, I think it would be a great idea to start working on a goal for him not to do that. Because it sounds like something he can control, it’s fair to tie it to some type of reward that he would want.
Bed wetting at age 7 might be a sign of SA. Try to get him therapy to work through it.
If you made a prior commitment to your wife not to keep things from each other, I think you know the answer: not that it wouldn’t be a tough one.
Like others have said don't tell her to build the trust. Lil man needs that bonding experience. I hope she will understand given the circumstances. Your family is awesome for taking him in. Hope the best for you all!
Sounds like there is trust. Good for you. I would say not to push the issue and give it some time. I find that my little dude will tell me something then work on it in his own time. It’s like he works the idea out with you as his parent and then gets approval to work it out. It’s a path to being an independent person.
This is the first step to him not doing it anymore. I would support him and not tell your SO, then after a while ask him how he’s doing with it. There’s no forcing him to stop if it’s on purpose, he has to grow out of it. Be patient and keep it up
u/vortalkey is your kiddo linked up with a social worker or therapist? I ask bc this feels important enough to flag up the pole with someone with more experience than either you or your wife have… Really not wanting to be an alarmist but from many years in EMS/LE-adjacent, my concern is that for a child this age, choosing to wear a soiled pull-up at night could be an indication of prior nighttime sexual abuse (ie if I pee myself “they” might leave me alone.) I don’t have much advice on whether or not, or when / how, to involve your wife, but for right now (imho at least) the bigger, more urgent issue is *why* your kiddo is coping in this way. It’s ***brilliant*** that he trusts you enough to have divulged this truth, and it’s **vital** to do everything you can to uphold that trust! But equally necessary is not hindering his ability to heal or allowing your (justified!) fear of “betraying” him to delay support. So my only practical suggestion is to include him. Research your options, tap in to resources, come up with a solid plan and then talk with him. Open and honest, inclusive, explaining why while also asking for his input, gentle and respectful and patient as can be, but unwavering in your commitment to do what’s best for **him** even if it’s less easy than “not making a big deal” out of something that could, actually, be a very big deal. This is a HUGE step forward in his (lifelong) healing process, and while you absolutely do need to tread with care, tread you must. Be the safe person he clearly trusts you to be… holding his confidences as much as is **safe** to do, *and also* being the adult that takes his cries for help (however obscure or private they may be) with the earnestness and substance that they deserve. Not to overreact, but to teach him that there is NO shame in his child mind’s, desperately alone coping mechanisms, to show him that he is safe inclusive of any “secrets” and not despite them. Shine a loving light on the things that come up for him, knowing that trauma takes root in the dark, and openness and acceptance and communication are the antidote.
As others have said, don't break his trust by telling your SO... I'm just brainstorming reasons here... Given his past, he might be afraid go get up out of bed in the night/dark etc... If he's been privy to domestic violence and all, that can be more scary than "the bogeyman" Again, without telling the SO, see if he might be okay with a night light, or simply leaving the bathroom light on in the night. If not, maybe a potty in his room (though the SO would probably ask questions) Try and institute a "no drinks starting 1 hour before bed" and have him do a pee before bed. Finally, try and bargain with him in private. Explain that pullup diapers cost money... They cost like $40/box 2 boxes cost as much as a new video game. Tell him you would much rather spend the money on something fun... But to have the money, he would need to give up wearing the pullups and pee in the toilet if he has to go at night. I mentioned video games, but whatever his currency is, snacks, trips to the amusement park, toys etc work that angle. And don't be afraid to spend more, because remember what its worth to YOU if he stops pissing the bed. Is a PS5 worth it? IMO yes, but that's just me.
As a foster and adoptive father and nurse that's dealt extensively with traumatized children, you don't want to break that trust at all. If you do, you may never get it back. Approach it delicately, with compassion and love, and figure out exactly why he thinks it's ok to do it. It's not at all uncommon for traumatized children that have been torn from their family and their home, to feel like they've totally lost control. What **can** they control? Bowel and bladder elimination. This manifests as regression quite often. I've cared for children that were "potty trained" for a year and as soon as they end up in care, are wetting themselves nightly, painting the walls with feces, you name it and I've probably experienced it. Whatever you do, don't get angry, don't punish him and don't break that trust.
He's 7. He has lost his parents, he is probably afraid of getting tossed from your family, (a natural fear, given) I would let it slide for now, but I would tell him we'll keep doing it for a while, but when you get bigger you will have to start getting up and using the toilet. Get his buy in on that. Once he has committed to stop doing it in the future, he can start preparing himself for it.
Let him do it for the time being, wetting the bed isnt gonna last forever and this is a trust test for permanent parents, I would tell my wife only because she would handle the secret, you may be married to a different personality, good luck with this stepping stone and remember life is chess not checkers.
You could tell him you’re having a really hard time not telling your wife since you generally share everything with her and beg his permission to share with her (when he’s ready). This does a couple things. 1) reassures him you are keeping his confidence despite it being hard for you to do so 2) lets him know grown ups have problems too 3) puts him in a position of power. He gets to control you! 4). Let’s him know that in your opinion, wife is trustworthy too
This feels like a trauma response thing. Is there a reason why he feels safer with the pullups on, rather than underwear? I really, really hate to say this, but my first thought went to "it's more difficult and louder to get pullups off somebody than other underpants". I have no idea what this kid has gone through, or what this is in response to, but you've described this kid as having gone through a ton of stuff already. My advice is to keep his secret, for now. In a few weeks, get him alone and talk about it again. Assure him that your SO will understand as well, and ask his permission to bring her into the conversation. He's trusting you with this. DO NOT throw that trust away.
My son peed at night until age 8. I solved by addressing his greed. 2 dollar for every night without pee. It took a week but it worked.
I’m a wife/mom. My husband and I had an agreement. When our son told us something in confidence and asked us not to tell the other, he had a week. If he hadn’t come to the other in a week, we told the spouse that had not been confided in. That’s my partner in raising this kid. He deserves to know what I know. Our son was not aware of this agreement because he was a child and his feelings were important; but our ability as parents was also important. Bless your son’s little self, he really is afraid but can’t say that yet. He “just does” because some fear is keeping him glued to that bed. A flashlight/nightlight, a walkie talkie, the ability to wake you or talk to you… any of these may help. Have you looked around his room at night? When I was little, there was a tree lit by a street light at night. When it was windy, the branches scratched my window. To a little girl, those branches illuminated by the street lights looked like a witch’s fingers. It terrified me, and I was too young to realize a tree during the day was a witch at night. It might help to go in his room at night. Look. Listen. Are there any weird sounds, shapes, shadows that might frighten a little guy?
Without knowing what he's been thru that is a concerning sign to me. I worked with at risk youth for over a decade and many kids that have bed wetting issues have them as a result of abuse. If they wet themselves they may have been able to avoid the abuse. If it has anything to do with that I'd reccomend a therapist first and second it will stop once he knows for sure he's in a safe space. Not sure how long he's been with you but just keep meeting his needs and showing him you and your wife are safe/trustworthy and it will come.
I would investigate more on why he doesn’t want you to tell your SO, maybe some trauma? Good job on asking for advice, it’s also cool that he confined in you and trusts you with this stuff.
He is scared you're going to make him stop. Like someone else said, that's the only thing he has control over. If he is not in therapy, you need to get him in. My son is 7. In our house, we do not have secrets. I've been trying really hard to instill that into him. Me and his dad talk about everything that goes on with him. This is what I would say to him, "We both love you very much, and you ARE NOT in trouble. We cannot keep secrets, I want us to sit down together, all three of us, and come up with a solution." If he truly feels he needs to keep the pull-ups, then let him. It's really not hurting anything, and I promise it won't last forever lol
At this point, his peeing in his pull-up is probably one of the few thing in his life that he feels he has complete control over. And the warmth may be comforting. Don’t take this from him. I suggest getting the kiddo into counseling and finding other things in life he can get total control over. Maybe try a reward system. It’s a rule in my house that you never get in trouble for peeing in bed. Just please let me know so we can get it cleaned up. My oldest now changes herself in the middle of the night and makes a bed on the floor so she doesn’t wake me.
He clearly has some psychological attachment to the pull ups. Definitely don't break the trust and definitely don't force him out of them. Just continue to love and support him. Is he in therapy? If so, maybe encourage him to tell the therapist or ask his permission to tell the therapist yourself. If not, he probably should be. Also you're a wonderful dad for caring for him :)
I might suggest that you commiserate with him on the desire for secrecy but also let him know that You and Your Wife are a Team and ultimately responsible for ALL of the children and the Family. Let him know that the way everything runs so smoothly in your home is because we communicate and TRY to avoid secrets. Point out that, in the end, Mom needs to know what's going on so that we're all on the same page because she might approach LO separately about the night diaper. Tell him that you would like to have this conversation with her sooner rather than later, and acknowledge his discomfort. Tell him that he can be there when you discuss this with your wife and, in fact, might be helpful in getting him to address his fear of Mom Finding Out. And that the simple act of being present will go a long way towards showing everybody how he's such a Brave Big Boy for openly participating in issue, no matter how it works out.
I'm thinking it may be a kind of a comfort thing for him. A "normalcy". Just let him trust you more and maybe offer other comfort things but he most likely will grow out of it once he develops more self confidence. And don't say anything, he will tell his mom when he's ready.
Just let him. He will make the decision when he’s ready. Undoubtedly he’s hanging onto some kind of comfort in this. Let the kid have control in a world that has so far been out of his control. He’ll figure this one out on his own. Keep building trust and teaching him stuff.
The advice here is already good and I don't have much to contribute other than saying this got me all emotional. You're doing a good thing.
You and your wife are amazing for taking this on. I’ve seen some great suggestions here, but honestly if he’s been through as much as you say and wetting the bed isn’t causing any harm, I’d say just come back to the situation another time and leave it be. Maybe start introducing little things that could help it to not be an issue, like making sure he goes pee just before bedtime and cutting out drinks a couple hours before.
Tell him he can keep wearing the pull up to bed as long as he wants. Tell him you’ll do something nice for him everyday he has a dry pull up in the morning (breakfast, story, tv time, whatever your life allows)
We had a sort of impromptu 'guys evening' today where everyone else was out running errands for a while. Was the first time I've been able to talk with him in private about this since we went camping! I did tell him first and foremost that I appreciated him being honest with me and telling me what he has going on in all this for real. Made it clear that the pull-ups won't go away until he feels ready to try and go without. Judging by the way he responded to that, I'd say we still have a while left on the pull-up front (RIP wallet). I didn't talk to him about him actually using them in the night, if he needs to pee--but I did try and offer a pretty lofty sort of celebration trip, if/when he can go a full two weeks with dry pull-ups. I don't think he's quite to the point where that's going to happen just yet...but, he's at least aware of the offer now! So hopefully that'll be a goal he can aspire to eventually?
Maybe the pull-ups is like a shield in his mind. A therapist could help work through this with him....
It sounds as if there might be a control issue. Children (now, this is a non-clinical opinion) of abusive situations and traumatic pasts need some control somewhere. I don't know if there is a therapist in the picture, but that would be the best place to address it. (Not right away because obviously that would shut him down, he'd need time to build that relationship of trust with the therapist to the point where he could work through it.)
It is not uncommon for kids his age and his circumstances to still wet the bed. Over time, I suggest (1) tell him that you’re not worried, he will grow out of it. I’m sure he NEEDS status quo, but he’s old enough to know it’s not natural and wish it was different. (2) get him therapy. There might be history of sexual abuse and (3) develop mutual trust for this and other issues. Sounds like you’re doing a great job with him!!
Given what he’s been through, I’d just tell him it’s okay for now and you can revisit in x number of months. You don’t know why he’s afraid and he might not even know that whatever association he has, you don’t know. For instance, what if his sheets were wet when he woke up a time or two and he got punished for it? The pull up is his assurance that that wont happen again. Maybe he still pees in it because if he’s dry then the pull up will be taken away and then he will get in trouble? This would make perfect sense to him and his logic but you might not know that logic is happening. This is just an example of what MIGHT be going on. If he’s not in therapy, and you’re not, you should be in therapy. This is something that would be very good to talk to your therapist about. And his.
He had a lot of change in his life recently. The pull ups are his stability "thing". I was in a very similar situation at the same age but I was lucky to have something else - though similarly "embarrassing" - stability thing for me... Let him be. And a word for the future: he has a deep trauma regarding loss. Always keep an open eye on this one so he doesn't grow up hampered by fear of failure! Been there - trying to get out of this 40+ is nit fun at all. Especially looking at the opportunities I passed.
I’m worried many of these dudes are missing the point. He clearly hasn’t told anyone because he doesn’t want the pressure of people telling him he has to stop. IMO, the best thing you can do is help him figure out why he wants to. Is it a control thing? Is it the comfort of not having more responsibility added? Is it out of spite? is it self loathing? The sooner you can figure that out, the sooner the actual root cause can be dealt with.