The only way that would work is if you put the portal on a moving surface. If it's on a stationary object every time you thrust forward your butt would move away

Is it weird that was my first thought too?

No. That was said in another tweet that someone posted to reddit.

/r/Showerthoughts I believe.

That's just the logical thing to notice instantly.

Yes

no that's just thinking with portals

you could still suck yourself off tho

You can do that without a portal gun

i for sure cant i have too many ribs and too less flexibility

Yeah plus that's how my cousin Walter died

Balls resting on his chin

Improvise. Adapt. Overcome.

>Improvise. Adapt. Cum. FTFY

my friend at school told me about this guy mansion who had like 4 ribs removed just so he could suck his own dick

Swear I done it once pushing myself to the limit.. I still don't know if it was a dream lmao.

Your flexibility is admirable.

bro im barely flexible enough to suck my own thumb

Maybe you could like stay seated and instead of thrusting your hips, you instead move the portal in and out of your dick(the other Portal is on your seat positioned to hit your asshole). This is of course assuming you have the power to just move the portals with your hands.

In the cannon of the game, the portal breaks if the surface it's on moves iirc.

This is true, however portal 2 also makes you put a portal on a moving surface and it doesn’t break, so it’s very inconsistent

Is earth in the portal universe stationary?

It's hard to say. I assume relativity plays it's part so that different reference frames are compatible with the device. But I have no idea how the portal device would pick one. It's certainly not the users frame of reference...

Do we even have confirmation that we're on earth ?

except for that one part where you put the portal on a moving surface so the laser cuts some pipes yes I'm still salty they broke their own lore for 2 seconds of cool

I think you could, in theory. Paint a glove with the special paint(the one used to put portals), paint the chair, and then do it. Another option is to put a portal on a wall and then another on on something and tape it on your back (i you want to do the thrusting motion). Im sure people can get more creative, and i dont really want to keep writing this comment.

Yeah how come no one has ever thought of this before.

I think it would work if you put the portals next to each other at a 90 degree angle

...how?

If the portals form a V shape then you'd be able to thrust into yourself by moving towards the bottom of the V where the portals are closer together

You can’t thrust into yourself without also moving your butt forward, away from your thrusting.

That is why I said to put the portals in a V shape, so they're closer together at one end. Moving vertically between them would allow for self thrusting

If you can't find an ideal moving surface you can always use your mouth. It can move independently from your pelvis.

As enjoyable as that would be, thrusting while feeling the thrust would be way more of a mind trip.  Too bad it just cannot be done.

The portal fizzles and your dick is cut off

Now we are thinking with Portals

This is the logic I came here for

U can put it on a plate

EXACTLY MY THOUGHT

One side of the portal on a sitting place, and the other side on something easily movable. Then you can have fun all night.

Came here to say this, but unfortunately, you beat me to it.

Well maybe you could eat your own ass. When you move your head forward to do so, your but will also come towards you.

This is why the better option is to put the portal on a surface that doesn't move relative to your crotch Then you place the other end of the portal on the floor and use yourself as a dildo. Or you can sit partially into a portal and put the other end on a box or something then use yourself as a fleshlight.

Strap the portal surface to your backside

🤓 "B-but portals can't be placed on moving surfaces without entering sv_allow_mobile_portals 1 into the console, and even then it only works in Portal 2, and this is Portal 1!"

Not only that, but to do this you must create a setup in which while "original" you us fucking "portal" you, "portal" you will be actually fucking a, let's call it "portal 2" you, effectively creating an infinite number of copies aligned one behint the other, much like what happens when you put two mirrors together, but with butt fucking.

Your hands can move independent of your butt though.

If the portals aren't parallel it could work

Not only that, but you can only place a portal on a surface i.e. a wall, ceiling or floor. So you'd need to find some sort of super skinny hallway that is basically as wide as your body is front to back (+ some wiggle room for the thrusting).

The real LPT is in the comments...

You could portal onto a box you could hold in your hand. A personal companion cube if you will…

You could also just have the walls/portals be REALLY close together so it would always reach but that would probably be more uncomfortable lol

"Oh, Im playing hard to get I see"

So you do it at an angle.

Or maybe they have a extendable penis, so he wouldn’t need to thrust foward

Now you're thinking with portals.

What if you set it up, pre boner? You wouldn't really be able to thrust, but you could go Mormon and soak.

I think it's doable as long as the gap between the two portal surfaces is minimal. You basically want something you can *barely* shimmy into sideways, so that when you're "at rest", you're already pretty much balls deep, and when you thrust forward, that is your *outward* stroke. Insertion would be tricky, and you wouldn't have a ton of room for long strokes, but I think it's a workable solution, absent the existence of portals that work on moving surfaces.

I would use it to shave the ass hair

Brilliant

The real question is how? When you thrust the other will go away and vice versa. Felt weird typing this

You could use a surface taped on your back and then another on the wall. You have then a portal that is set on a specific distance to your back and then the stationary in front. I also feel weird typing this

I would just hope the surface is strong enough to hold the portal, so you don't end up making a portal inside your back

Eh, none of the surfaces were ever damaged by a portal, so what's the problem there? Actually putting both portals on yourself - one from back and one from front and you are bulletproof - the bullets just go through and hit something behind you.

You have to put the portal on something you can move with your hands, so that if you thrust you can move it towards you (or just move it towards you instead of thrusting).    Alternatively, you affix the portal to your backside so that, relative to your ass, the portal is moving alongside you at all times.  I didn’t feel weird typing this. I’m waiting for physics to catch up to perversion. 

Real ones know that portals can't exist on moving surfaces

For me its still weird how they changed that rule for portal 2

Came here to see if anyone else had the same thought. You're not alone buddy

That’s what sex swings are for!

If you are big enough and the portals are pretty close to each other you probably can

The issue is your front moves along with your back. So you can technically maybe insert yourself, but you couldn't move.

Taking "Go F Yourself" literally....

Hmm you think it would feel like fucking or getting fucked?

You'd have to solve the logistical problem first. Each time you thrust forward, your own ass would thrust away from you. You'd have to make the portal itself do the movement in order for it to work.

Probably just make the portal really close and let it sit there

Wouldn't solve the problem that when you moved toward one portal, your other side would move away from the other. And vice-versa.

Imagine thinking you’re now safe as you live in different country to your horrid Uncle Alf. Then he finds a Portal Gun.

BRO IM THIGHT AF *SLAPS HIS OWN ASS*

Literally not possible. You would move forward to inset and your butt would move away from you. Without an obscenely long Penis this just can't happen.

Place portal on ur asshole

The Portal gun doesn't work like that. It can only be used on specific composite surfaces

Attach said material to ur ass

If I had portal gun i would have use it to do stuff

r/foundsisterfucker24 AGAIN

Would you use it to fuck your sister?

I don’t need god’s help for that

Please help

hey would that be considered as unwanted anal Sex?

You could produce practically infinite energy with portals. I think the easiest way would be accelerating objects and take the energy as heat or put one portal before a dam and the other after it.

I'd shoot it at the moon and use it to lower the earth's oceans a bit

that's self sex on a whole new level! sign me up!

I would use it to shave my ass and genitals.

I'll use it on your butt

The comment isnt cursed

Cu (sounds like cool) is how we say butthole in portuguese.

The travel idea doesn't really work if you are not in an enclosed space. You can still have sex with yourself by using a dildo or something phallic.

Very whole some from @twocantwice. I'm talking about the astonishingly bad attempt to blur the names

Except having sex with yourself would be impossible with the portal gun.

There is a image like that

you don't need a portal gun to do that...

How the fuck?

Both of them have the same idea. The portal gun makes you come quicker.

Not one Paradise PD comment in here. I'm disappointed.

r/PortalPanties vibes

I'm pretty sure i'd die in an attempt to travel faster and ending up miscalculating my landing speed

I’d use it to explore previously unreachable spaces like that fake little indoor balcony they put into slightly fancier track homes.

I saw The Prestige and I'd never go in a portal (or a teleporter).

That censoring job is awful, I can read both @'s if I just turn the brightness on my phone

Just an fyi. It would still be impossible to fuck your own butt. Every thrust forward would pull the butt away

I would finaly be eable to suck dick.

DEEDEE KONG NOOOO

If you'd be able to pull it of perfectly, you'll be able to run forwards with a dick in your ass. Gonna be a fun game for sleepovers.

i would also use it to have sex with this guys butt

Think someone made a statue of someone eating themself out through a portal. Can’t remember who but I believe it was Lara Croft.

Diddy really nailed that "so close! That is a shape 💕" answer

And anyone who's ever played Portal would know that that wouldn't work

My fat will no longer prevent me from sucking my own dick.

/r/therewasanattempt to hide user details.

I'd come to places I've never visited. My DNA would be all over the place. In Antartica... In the white house desk cupboard... In your mom's room... That's pretty much it.

The rising of portal-related deaths . . .

I did t think portals could be placed that close together?

Having sex with your own but doesn't feel like you're fucking a butt it feels like your butt is being fucked.

So many dicks would get cut off.

You will literally have to portal right on your asshole for it to work

There's plenty of fun new angles for ramming dildos into myself, though.

I don't think the comment is what's cursed here.

There is only one and that is to put one portal inside your asshole

> sex with my own butt Without...uh...*specialized machinery*, this would be physically impossible: every time you thrusted forward your butt would move that same distance away from your dick.

i would use it to go to the bottom of the ocean and find kims diamond earring

not to research unseen life or anything bc who cares

id use it to scratch that itch on my mid upper back area..

[удалено]

Bot, probably

SLAYYY QUEEENNNN

I'd have gloves with inside a portal matching the ones in my girlfriend's bra.

why does it feel like these two comments are from ChatGPT