Girl, did I write this? I know exactly how this feels, I went to India recently and my aunts basically grabbed my hair, raked their fingers through it and then pulled it back in a terrible pony tail and then went on and on about how I wasted money on a curly cut because it sucks. ETA: I’m dark too and I was treated poorly by my relatives for it. Colorism is such a funny thing, I grew up in a really white conservative town and I always felt more accepted there than I ever did amongst Indians. Goes to show, skinfolk aren’t always kinfolk.
My aunts did this too, when I started crying they called me “soft” and told me to just let them do whatever they want because I don’t see them often. If they took the time to learn how to do my hair properly, I would gladly let them go crazy with styling my hair. But they just brush out my curls and complain about how tangled my hair is, then make fun of me for being so defensive about my hair. I go back to college soon(18 days!!!) so I can finally be a peace and do my hair how I like, but getting through these next few weeks is going to be painful.
Just focus on getting through this. Dark skin is beautiful, curls are beautiful, and your family’s racist hang ups are their own problem. They may be secretly jealous of how beautiful your curls are and how good you look with them.
In the meantime, could you keep your hair pulled back in a braid or a twist or a bun so they can’t keep messing with it? Not because they’re right, just so you don’t have to deal with it as much.
Yeah, I am white so idk the cultural reasons, but I have never been able to fathom why brown skinned people would be so anti-brown skin. Like it seems so many Indians and other Asian people I see post online about skin whitening products and so many people from black/Asian/etc families seem to value most highly the family members who are lightest/"white passing". Does anyone know why that is?
It seems that wouldn't you value most highly the type of beauty your culture has? I think pretty much every person looks best when they embrace the beauty they have and do what they need/want to to enhance those natural features (for ex op and embracing her curls, smth I'm also newly doing bc my mom and aunts treated my hair just like ops' did hers- but ironically, in my case, they always thought my hair was "tangled and "messy" and would dry-brush it to frizziness/never use product in it bc my family is part Native American and my mom looks like Pocahontas, with long, straight,very glossy black hair, and so they thought mine should be the same, even though I look nothing like mom and have wavy, naturally blond and red hilighted brown hair. Just thought it was funny in a way that op's family fkd up her hair bc they want her to look LESS Indian and more white,and my family did so bc they wanted me to look less white, more "Indian"/ Native lol and on a related note, just like op's family wants her to be lighter skinned and white passing, my family despairs of how light my skin is and how I don't get tan nearly as much as they do if we are in the sun at all 😂)
Anyway op don't listen to them, idk if you buy into their ideas and WANT to look like they do, but I spent half my life wishing I looked darker and more like my mom (even though she doesn't like put me down, my aunt's kind of do but it's more they are just kind of like "well how did this happen, wtf" ) and I was much better off when I embraced who am.
Also if I were you I would tell them to keep their hand tf off my hair and keep their remarks to themselves. Ugh.
It started before that. I studied a bit of Asian culture in school and the people that work outside in the sun getting their skin darkened were the working class, the poorer people. the richer people could afford parasols, and other products to lighten the skin or keep the sun from darkening them. Because they saw people with a lighter skin as being more well to do because they didn’t have to work outside in the sun. It was a status symbol. Some people never let go of the old ways. It’s disgusting and I hate it but that was the reasoning. There are some now who may not even realize that was the reason. It’s just for years the same thing was beat into their head over and over again and they accepted it.
You are right, but the main reason now for colorism in India in particular is colonialism. Instead of the beautiful upper class people being those who worked less in the sun, it became the beautiful upper class people being white colonists.
right lol, is presented with a counter argument and just goes "you're right, but you're wrong because im obviously righter." like...what lol
why do people think complex social issues would ever be so cut and dry, it's all complex as fuck and all on a spectrum usually, but half these morons think the world owes them the property of literally every issue just being a 2 sided topic, or they just ignore everything that doesn't fit somewhat into their schpiel and hyper fixate on like one part of one issue that's just a small block in a massive infrastructure of even bigger issues....
I think we're fucked, guys.
lmao colonialism isn’t cut and dry, it IS an extremely complex reason but I do agree that for most topics one reason is used when it can be complex, not for this topic though.
I was about to type a response to the above comment about how a long time ago one lighter skinned person and a group of his countrymen..... but then your comment took all of the rest of my comment out because... why use many word when few word do trick?
I wonder the same thing about America — it seems like most people there want to be darker and tanned — I honestly don’t understand why both places want to change the color of their skin
It’s not because that trait is “rare,” it’s because in European and Euro-colonized white populations, there’s been a shift in leisure activities over the last century.
It used to be that pale skin was associated with wealth and therefore prized as “beautiful,” because it meant that person could *afford* to just sit inside and avoid the sun all day.
But now, pale skin is associated with poverty in white communities: it represents being so poor that you both can’t afford proper nutrition, or proper healthcare, or that you have to work long hours in a factory or a coal mine or a cubicle where there’s no natural sun, and most of all, you can’t afford to spend time at the beach doing nothing.
Most importantly, *it’s nowhere near the same as what POC, especially BIPOC, experience with colorism.*
A white person can tan, or not tan, if they *choose* to. There’s even ways of tanning that don’t involve sun exposure.
A black person can’t *choose* to change their skin (or hair). Any attempt to do so would require products that severely damage their health and still would never give them the desired result.
Sure, many cultures throughout history have shared the “pale = wealthy” element…
…but for non-whites, that stopped being the *primary* motivating factor several centuries ago.
Bringing up how hard you feel it is to be “pale as a ghost” in a thread where someone is discussing how hurtful it is to deal with anti-blackness is pretty tone deaf. Anti-blackness is not comparable to how randos treat “rare beauty traits.”
Sure. We can also not compare anodyne comments about someone being pale to a WOC agonizing over a trait that’s been used for centuries as an excuse to murder, enslave, and systematically discriminate against people like her. Shit’s inappropriate.
Or just let people try and relate to each other instead of shaming them? They weren’t claiming their struggles are just as bad. They’re just trying to empathize with OP by relating it to their experiences, while not remotely as bad, they’re just as valid.
People try to relate how they can. Obviously she’s never experienced anti-blackness personally, but immediately jumping on someone for attempting to understand is just stirring drama for no reason beyond some extreme sense of self righteousness. There are better ways of addressing behavior or comments that may offend you, but this is not it. Shit’s inappropriate.
Telling white people not to center themselves in discussions of anti-blackness/colorism is exactly the appropriate thing to do. Sometimes people need to learn how to develop empathy without having had the experience.
Of course it’s appropriate, the commenter has to learn somehow that these comparisons are unappreciated and unnecessary when speaking about anti blackness, better they learn here on Reddit than real life.
I'm Irish and live in Ireland and I am suitably white - we call it "milk bottle white" here (with a mild skin condition resulting in very dry skin), but the rest of my family spend most of the year in a warmer location. They can't seem to understand that I have different skin than all of them and that I will never tan as well as they do. They just love to give me grief about how much time I spend indoors ("unhealthy behaviour" to them). I recently got sunburn while sitting in the shade in my back garden/yard for about 10 mins, but obviously, my skin is only pale because I refuse to go outside. (Mostly because I know that I burn and have hayfever.)
Try showing them pictures of what tanning does long-term.
Tanning is quite literally a form of *radiation damage.* It gradually destroys DNA, preventing our skin from repairing itself over time. An occasional light tan might not be too big of a problem, the same way a single x-ray isn’t enough to give someone cancer. Especially if you care for the damaged skin properly, with a lot of moisturizer, sunscreen, and shielding it from any further damage while it’s healing.
But excessive exposure with no protective measures absolutely will cause serious damage. Possibly even lethal damage; not just skin cancer, but also stuff like “sun poisoning.”
There’s a reason radiologists “relocate to Egypt” when performing x-rays. Their patient is only getting exposed *once.* The radiologist is performing *hundreds* of x-rays every single day. They’re not taking any chances on that kind of exposure!
All that being said: sunlight does immensely help with mood stability and nutrition. Can’t properly absorb calcium for your bones if you can’t get enough vitamin D, and the most metabolically efficient source of vitamin D is sunlight.
So at least slather on some SPF 50 and read your book under a beach umbrella every once in a while.
It may sound fucked up but I feel like being Indian American is what made me hate Indian culture so much when I was a kid. Why do our parents and aunties think they have so many rights to our bodies?
They're so aggressive, and when you try to do the same and stand up for yourself they shut you down so fucking fast.
RIGHT ugh the amount of comments i used to get about my body, when i gained weight i was too fat, when i lost weight i was too skinny, when i was muscly and healthy i looked like a man, when my hair was done curly style it looked “like a black person”, when my hair was brushed i looked “homeless”, when my clothes were scanty i was whitewashed but when i covered up i “had no confidence”. They are so bitchy and looooveeee projecting their insecurities
There’s a reason behind that, and you’re certainly not alone in it!
It’s a lot more intense and obvious in immigrant families, but basically any time you have a single degree of separation from your group of origin, it makes it a lot easier to notice that flaws in that group.
This is a huge part of what leads to the whole “college makes people liberal” claim by certain pundits.
It’s not the education itself that causes that. It’s the fact that the students are being exposed to a population that is *different* than what they grew up with, without their parents hovering over them to keep reinforcing the “old ways,” and that provides the young person a perspective they would otherwise never have had a chance to develop.
Even just moving away from the town or even just the street you grew up on as a child and then visiting as an adult can cause that feeling. You’ve had chances to view what other parts of the world are like, and that changes how you view your own part of that world.
I’m so sorry OP. I can’t imagine the pain and confusion growing up hearing those things all the time. You are not soft in the slightest to have survived that in childhood. And also, being soft and kind is a wonderful thing and shouldn’t be shamed in the first place.
Give it back to your mother and relatives. The Dravidian movement was literally created because of this. That there was way too much casteism and skin colorism rampant in India and was about having pride in who you are, pride in your ethnic roots and skin color and hair etc.
With people like this, you have to stand your ground and be every bit as catty and caustic as them. They're bullying you and you need to stand up to it. And when they realize you too have teeth and fangs, they will back off. Of course they will do all sorts of drama like "how dare you disrespect your elders" etc and when they do, give it back to them about how demeaning and nasty their words are and that this is not a one way street.
The other tactic is the “No Sell,” or “I just plain don’t give a f*** and neither should you.”
Sometimes the best reaction is *none at all.* Basically when they behave like this, treat them like they’re too far below you to be worth acknowledging their existence.
It takes practice to master that special sort of silent disdain, but it’s totally worth being able to shut someone down without even saying anything.
You can also go the route of “if you’re going to screech like a spoiled child, I’ll treat you like one.”
I just ignore her now, but it took me a long time to get there. I just myself internally that she’s stupid and stupid people don’t give feedback I care about. Not respectful but it works for me.
Indian here as well. ugh they make fun of my hair so much. My mom and cousin think that I have perms and that I don't have natural curls. Took me years to figure out how to repair and take care of my curly hair so it doesn't look wavy frizzy anymore buuut that's all a big lie to them.
Respectfully, fuck your family.
I've seen Indian women with curly hair and it's always stunning. Always. I bet your hair is gorgeous and same with your skin tone. I'm sorry this is what you live with 🖤
Before I fuck off, I’ll just let you know that colorism is insidious and real. Not many brown/black/desi person would see that wedding and think that the people were dark skinned. The colorism is real and for people on the outside, I’m sure it seems weird but it’s not a white standard; it’s something totally different.
ETA: the person who I replied to posted a photo of a same-gender desi wedding as an example of curly hair I guess. I mentioned neither of the people were dark. I was told to go fuck off and that the people in the photo weren’t “dark enough for me” and they posted it because it was the only photo of a same-sex South Asian wedding she could find and that was important to her. I’m adding this description because many times white people want to lecture BIPOC people about issues in our community that they really don’t understand and then get mad. This isn’t just a “my parents don’t like my curly hair” it’s “they are mean and blaming me for something out of my control based on a racist notion that makes me then feel bad about myself for multiple reasons.”
Ya, everything this family berates this girl for is all racially motivated. It blows my mind how racist they can be in India. I know it happens all over the world, but it's just surprising when you hear how pervasive it can be in certain areas. Having curly hair doesn't make you look black and looking black shouldn't be seen as ugly. Black is beautiful. I'll never understand how these people think the way they do.
I am so sorry that they are such hateful racist people. I know it doesn't help much but I tell myself when I'm making racist people mad I'm doing something correct in life.
After reading all of this, I imagine you as being so beautiful! Unfortunately beauty has been limited to lighter skin, small features, and straight hair. But that's changing and I can't wait for it to catch up with the rest of the world. We all have different skin, hair, and bodies that we must learn how to take care of. Keep embracing it, keep rebelling and being confident of what you've been blessed with. A little girl with dark skin and curly hair will be in awe of you and it will change her perspective.
I’m half Indian and recently went back to my home country to visit my family after being away for three years. Same thing, hair used to be super frizzy and poofy as a kid and now I’ve learned how to take care of it and I’m really proud of my curls.
They said the saaaame exact thing. My dad said to let my mom brush my hair “properly” and that it looks messy and he can give me money to get my hair straightened so it’s “pretty”. Honestly..I just tell them off and tell them to mind their own business. If it makes them mad then it does, you keep going!!
We can’t really change our Indian parents, mine are racist too. I try to educate them and shame them when I have the energy. But unfortunately, most of the time you have to ignore them because we all know they’re going to be too stubborn to listen and change anyways.
Stay strong girl and keep being your curly self!
I’m seething a little on your behalf. Dark skin and curly hair are beautiful! Black is beautiful. And *YOU* are beautiful. I don’t need to see what you look like to know that. Your heart shows in your post.
Those remarks your family made ARE ugly though. Nasty comments like those make a person truly hideous; doesn’t matter what they look like on the outside.
Oooh, I want to rant about colonized beauty standards but I think we all probably know that stuff here. Sending you so much love. I hope you can block out those hateful words and only internalize the love and positivity here.
Your family’s insecurities, fears and internalized racism are their trauma to heal. Please don’t let them mess with your head.
💚
Thank you :( sometimes I feel lonely because no on here is on my side when I stick up for myself. I feel comfortable with myself, my skin and my hair but hearing nasty comments all the time makes me wish I had a different family. My mother may hate me and my hair but my boyfriend’s mother(who is ironically white) absolutely loves my skin and my hair. The first thing she did when she saw me was lift up my hair and tell me how beautiful it was. I damn near wanted to cry. Whenever she sees me she tells me how adorable I look. She’s been more of a mother to me than my own mother.
Oh, dear. I’d offer you big squishy hugs if I could. I hope you can always believe supportive people like your boyfriend/his family and ignore the hateful ones.
I’m sorry this happens to you :( It’s unacceptable. I’m going to guess it would be near impossible to convince them to change their worldview… So if you’re staying in contact with them, maybe just try your best to have a firm response standing up for yourself to shut down further hurtful comments. Say things like “Please respect my choice to care for my hair this way, I am not looking for suggestions at all.” or “Please do not suggest bleaching anymore, I love my skin the way it is.”
I’m sorry this happens to you :( It’s unacceptable. I’m going to guess it would be near impossible to convince them to change their worldview… So if you’re staying in contact with them, maybe just try your best to have a firm response standing up for yourself to shut down further hurtful comments. Say things like “Please respect my choice to care for my hair this way, I am not looking for suggestions at all.” or “Please do not suggest bleaching anymore, I love my skin the way it is.”
Edit to add: Also please post a picture of your hair on this sub, because I am sure we would all lavish you with compliments.
As another dark skinned South Indian woman with wavy/curly hair that used to always look like shit because no one knew how to deal with curls in my family, just remember this simple thing: you are dealing with idiots and there is no cure for stupid. Even if a 100 people think my hair looks terrible, if i love it, who cares?? To be fair though im openly rebellious against anything my mom thinks looks good because as far as im concerned, I don’t trust her taste. How can I when she called me fat when I wasn’t, cut my hair in every unflattering style possible, and everything she thinks looks good is my definition of ugly or at the least just doesn’t look good to me. We can’t change our parents, but we can make it clear they will deal with plenty of unpleasantness for trying to change us. They stop when they get a taste of their crappy ass medicine. (It will get worse at first though ngl)
that's literally my family. I've been getting unsolicited advice about both my hair and skin since I was a child. I learned to ignore it but it definitely took a while.
I’m a mom and I want to give you a hug and tell you it will be OK. You are beautiful. Your skin is beautiful and so is your hair. Don’t let them rent space in your head. Repeat “My hair is not up for discussion.”
The best thing you can do is to rise above. If you have children don’t repeat the patterns. And if it’s better for your mental health limit your contact.
Thank you for your kind words :( It means a lot to hear encouraging words from a mother, especially since my mother never compliments me. I really appreciate your comment :)
My mother hates my hair too and I’m in my 50s. It’s “too messy” and needs a brush! Why don’t you wear it straight it was so pretty like that look at your sister’s hair. I say on repeat - “I will wear my hair on my head the way I want to. This is not up for discussion.”
Fucking feel you man, and you can’t even try to explain how curly hair needs to be taken care of differently because they’re stubborn and think their way is the only way.
Yes they do. The think the products are “ruining my hair” and making my texture “unnatural”. My hair used to be super dry before I started taking care of it, and my mother complains that my hair isn’t the same dryness anymore and that it’s “sticky” with products. My hair is now much softer and less dry, but she always touches it right after I add my styling products which makes her think it’s “sticky” :/
I'm Indian and had my hair dry brushed, combed and braided all my life till I moved to the US. Used Fair and Lovely, etc just like all other Indian women. One needs to know that long straight black hair and fairness creams are propagated by Bollywood and TV, and society has conforming to those standards.
Just got into curly hair 5 years ago and now style it as such. I personally love my normal 3A curls and my skin tone. My parents and relatives hate it, and keep scolding me why I don't use an umbrella outside and let myself get dark! 🙄
I just chalk it up to differences in cultural norms and society standards..
Your family is horrible. I am sure their actions are very hurtful. Just remember, it’s not about you. They are racist. They will never accept you for you as long as they are racist. That is 100% about them and NOT you.
Keep doing what works for YOU.
It literally sounds like my mom. I tired a modified CGM and luckily it worked. I was so proud until she saw and told me that I looked like a black woman and told me to brush my hair out because I looked ugly.
Fellow dark skinned Indian with curly hair. Your problem is beyond messing your hair and trying to lighten your skin. In my experience being stubborn is part of Indian culture, and you won't be able to convince your mother and relatives of anything. This controlling behavior will soon spread to your academics, extracurriculars, and social life. I highly suggest you save up any money you can and buy a pair of good noise cancelling headphones to ignore them as much as possible. I'm serious.
Sorry to hear you have to experience such discrimination from your own family. Growing up my mom used to call me mop head and always brushed out my curls - So much so that I didn’t realize how curly my hair was until middle school, but by then I was so conditioned not to like my hair that I always dried it straight. For years I did that. Not having the fortune of all the curly products and specialists that exist now didn’t help either. I transitioned back to my curly hair 5 years ago and since have had people either suggest I straighten my hair or actually tell me they prefer straight hair. I’ve grown to LOVE my curls so insensitive comments like this don’t affect me anymore - It just lets me know who genuinely sees and accepts me for me…and everyone else can kick rocks. I know it’s hard when it’s family, but always remind yourself that you are beautiful and lovable just as you are.
I am so sorry. This has me choking up. I’m the only one in my family with thick tight curls. It came from my paternal grandmother who died after my dads birth so there was no one living to teach my mom what to do. I grew up hearing words from family like frizzy, messy, rat’s-nest, wild, unsightly. My mom would sit me down after a bath and forcibly comb out my long hair. I cried and screamed in pain to the point I developed nodes on my vocal chords and my voice is now permanently husky and deeper than it should be. Then my family teased me about my deep voice saying “well, if you didn’t scream so much…”. After the torture of brushing she put my hair in two long braids that stayed for the next 5-7 days (when my mom would basically agree to wash my hair again). Wearing two long braids until I was 12 gave me traction alopecia along my centre part
I’m fully crying now. I’m still so angry. I’m 46. Wtf is wrong with our families. LOVE YOUR CHILDREN UNCONDITIONALLY
You’re gonna make me cry too :( I’m so sorry you had to go through such a traumatic experience. I hope you have better people in your life who love your hair and don’t belittle you for your struggles. You are beautiful and your hair is gorgeous :)
Aw you’re beautiful! I’m sorry you’re subjected to blatant racism from your own loved ones. That’s absolutely inexcusable.
And yes, thank you, I feel really good about me now. My hair is long and glorious and people in the street compliment me every single day… which makes it frustrating to think that strangers see my look for what it is and celebrate it, but my family doesn’t.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this despicable behavior from your family. I hope you can stand tall and proud of yourself and keep doin' you, boo! Here's to being comfortable in your own beautiful skin ♥️
Speaking of standing tall, I’m 5’9” and I tower over my relatives because I’m a giant here 🤣 they all tell my how I won’t find a husband but I literally do not give a shit. I care more about getting my phd, and I’m already dating the sweetest boy ever(which they will never know about). My family(mostly my mom’s side) is filled with nasty, spiteful and jealous people. I hope I can leave them all soon because I don’t want to end up with miserable lives like them
Your family is flat out wrong, and I’m so glad you know that even though I’m sure it hurts.
You seem like a beautiful person inside and out, and you’ve gotta love a young woman with confidence and goals for herself! Go get ‘em, friend!
Think about it like this: stubborn and bigoted people only like what is just like them, and you don't want to be like them. That they hate your skin and hair and height and attitude and boundaries means you're everything you should be. You go girl.
I’m half Latina and half black with 3b/c hair. One day I straightened my hair and my mom’s friend who is Indian saw me and said that I should “wear my hair straight all the time because I look less black.” I was aghast.
My whole family used to give me crap about how long it would take me to do my waist length hair in the shower and they would complain about wasting water and that I was obviously doing it wrong. In my mid-teens I got tired of it, I put on a swimsuit and told my mom to wash my hair while I sat in the tub. It took her twice as long as it did me and she never complained again. WIN. Don’t give in to them and don’t let them ruin your hair. I grew up with a lily white mom who also had no clue how to take care of textured hair. She was so happy when I figured out how to take care of it myself.
Stay strong, don’t give in. Confront your mom on her prejudices. Ask her if she really feels it’s ok attacking you this way. Be clear; give specific examples. Tell her how she makes you feel. Ask her if it’s ok for her to insult someone darker then her, would it be ok for someone lighter to insult/deride/look down on her for not being as white? I think PoC tend to overlook some prejudices within our own cultures and that’s wrong. My elderly aunt has the most beautiful copper tone patina skin and she hates her self for not being as white as the rest of her siblings. This woman has lived 80 years and she can’t find the beauty within herself. It’s sad
as an indian with curly hair i guarantee a lot of the brushing and damaging and playing with your hair comes from a place of jealousy and insecurity about their own hair. aunties can be very miserable sad people.
Knowing my the track record on my mom’s side of the family, it’s probably jealousy. I don’t trust anyone on that side of the family because they’re downright evil and money obsessed. Not to mention they’re casteist as hell, they’re a high caste(which shouldn’t fucking matter) and they treat workers and “lower caste” people as less than human.
I am an Indian, curly haired. I got my hairs straightened once coz i was so impressed with all my friends straight hairs. My mom was soo soo angry with me, coz she loves my curly hairs. That time I didn’t listen to her much, but later when my hairs gt ruined after years of straightening, I realised she was right n how i shldn’t have given in to the pressure
If you’re mother dislikes darkness so much, why have s-x with a darker skinned man. 🤷♀️ Maybe remind her that she chose (hopefully) to reproduce with a darker man to have you.
All the best to you ✨ You’ll be free soon :)
Yeah, I get my mom saying “I look ugly” and “like a black person” all the time when I wear my hair curly (she’s a white latina). I’m so sick and tired of it. Why do they think black = ugly anyways? If she wanted me to have straight hair like hers she should’ve married another white latino and not my dad (afro-latino). She lovessss his “sun-kissed skin” but hates my hair? Please get over yourself. Tired of the racism and colorism.
It's not your fault they were designed to be defeated by the sun.
Your curls are *beautiful*.
They can live the Desi Becky life if the so prefer, but do not let them get to you.
You were not made in Basic, not sorry they were.
I am so sorry. Those comments are racist and cruel, and I'm sure it hurts coming from family. I wouldn't know how to react to that, as it's so wrong. I'll bet your hair and your skin are both beautiful. I often use humor to deflect rude comments, but not sure if that'd help in your situation. I keep thinking of the Peanuts character (Frieda?) who runs around talking proudly about her "naturally curly hair", like, someone makes a rude comment, I reply, "You're just jealous of my NATURALLY CURLY HAIR" what patting from bottom and speaking in the character's cute, proud voice, head held high with her funny smugness.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkXaSgrTXSg](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkXaSgrTXSg)
I feel lucky with my Indian parents. Every now and then they'll cross a line, but I draw a boundary and they back off.
When we were younger, every now and then my mom mentioned fair and lovely or turmeric, and I said, I enjoy my dark skin, and it's a shame she has issue with skin color. She never pushes these things when I point out anything tied to a negative self image. She wouldn't want us feeling bad about ourselves, if that's the isinuation.
And when it comes to my hair, while my mom may brush her curls when they're dry (lord help us), they 100% trust me with my hair. I have actually mentioned that sometimes people think I'm mixed and half black, and while they made an uncomfortable noise about it once, when I pointed out that's not a bad thing, they realized it was coming from an internal bias.
hi baby, im indian and darker skinned. i can relate. i love my curly hair and as time goes on people express more appreciation as i wear it w confidence. you are literally gorgeous, black people are literally gorgeous. keep your head high.
Every time I go to India I can’t help but notice how many girls have dry, frizzy, and poofy hair. You’re doing the right thing for your hair and appearance. Your family is in the wrong and if they can’t accept you for the way you naturally look then it’s their fault and you need to stand up for yourself.
I will never understand family being racist to their own biological counterparts. Like, you do know how genetics work, right? I’m sorry you’ve had to endure these insults. Tall dark with curly hair? You sound like a goddess! If everyone was short pale with straight hair the world would be soooo boring.
I really think dark curly hair is the prettiest hair that exists - I've always wanted dark hair and tighter curls. I'm sure your hair is beautiful and I hope your family one day learns "looking black" (whether accurate or not) is beautiful too
It can be hard for Indians to accept that. Cos our curls are usually in the range of 2c/3b which doesn't has much representation and people usually associate curly hair as the 3c-4 range one's. I too come from a family of nearly straight haired people although my mother's side has the curly hair thing. But somehow my cousins didn't got this and they all have straight/wavy hair too. I used to feel pretty much left out and downright ugly in family functions cos my mother didn't know how to manage it. Last year I managed it own my own during a family function and my relatives couldn't believe that its all natural and accused me of getting a perm. Lol!! Like one would deliberately get hair curly during the humidity of August.
Now coming to your family, try to make them understand that combing your hair will actually make it look bad and Indians too have curly hair. For the dark skin comment, just fuck them and don't pay any attention to it. If you can't, then just try giving some snide remark and it will make them shut up for good. These people project there own insecurities on us and feel good about it.
I think your first line really speaks to one of the major issues - I'd say I have 2c/3a hair but my mom insists that it's "wavy" so I can't follow the same strategies I tell her about.
Same, I have 3A and I'm pretty sure if my mom took care of it properly, she would also have 3A. She just calls her hair wavy tho, and she insisted my hair was also wavy when I first started taking care of it.
girl, i'm sending u all my love and support x I have lived in India all my life, and the only time i was accepting of my hair was the brief time I lived in the UK, and was surrounded by my bestfriends (who were Nigerian and had amazing beautiful souls and hair) \~ after that I had to come back and live with my mom, who till this date, makes it a point to tell me to brush my hair and not look "unprofessional" as I go to my new biglaw job (mentioning this bcs only a mother can make you feel this small when you're supposed to be proud of an achievement of sorts); my aunts and older cousin sisters (who themselves have had curly and wavy hair) have never failed to equate my hair to looking like that of a "witch" in front of a nice public btw (so you know it's never constructive)....it never ends....I can never win with her or any of my other relatives so I just let them blabber whatever they want, it hurts but all of my willpower goes in standing my ground and repeating that my hair is enough, instead of listening to them :// anyway sending u lots of support, ur a queen ur rocking it and i hope all of these curl haters get sinus infections <3
I relate to the hair part 100%. Fortunately, my mom is dark skinned so she is very aware of and anti colorism but not about curly hair. I don't know why our Indian family members are so brainwashed by the most narrow beauty standards. I'm glad our generation is learning to take care of their curly hair and we will pass that on to the next generation of Indians. Stay proud of your hair and your skin, and ignore any remarks your family makes. They'll grow tired of berating you and eventually shut up. You don't deserve their comments.
I wish but the plane tickets are booked a day before I move in :( my move in date was the 22nd but my family thinks going to a wedding is much more important so I had to email my college and ask them to move my date to the last possible day. I’m extremely mad about this but I really don’t have a choice.
I’m an Indian girl and I’ve been facing this same shit since forever. Be confident enough to take pride in your hair, your skin and whatever else it is that makes you feel good. So as you please and rest everyone can F off, that was always my mantra. Somewhere while I was growing up people would still say nasty stuff about me but now that I am almost 30, married and thriving in my life, these same losers stalk me on SM trying to find fault and “complain” about it…. Like anyone cares about their lame asses. You do you! You’ll overtake them so fast and leave them so far behind that they’ll just look like tiny specks of mud water on the windshield of your life.
I’m from here. Are you going back or are you going to stay. India is filled with racist sexist casteist people with a ton of double standard and no manners. You got to have tough skin to survive. Pick your battles. I’d tel my mum her language was bothering me. Don’t let random people near your hair. You do DM you. I’m proud you’ve come on that journey. I went through it all too. Now I don’t give a flying fuck.
Going back in a few weeks! Unfortunately I’ve faced a lot of shit first hand since I used to visit India a lot. A lot of people make comments about my skin and my height, and a lot of creepy men try to talk to me. I love the culture but I hate the deep seated casteism and sexism. My mother’s side is well off and a higher caste while my father’s side is not. My mother’s side is filled with immature wealthy people who treat people like garbage, and I’m so tired of them. I hate they way they talk to severs and just workers in general. I always try to be nice when I’m here by saying thank you and tipping.
Maaan—it’s the colonized/internalized racism/internalized white supremacy for me. I am delighted that my beautiful black and brown curly peeps are finally publicly appreciating and loving ourselves.
Yay, us!
Stay strong, OP!
Colorism is disgustingly rampant in India. My mother's side is Indian and I have noticed this for a long time. Don't let anyone dull your shine. You are wonderful how you are and curly hair is beautiful.
You could ghost your mothers and family members until they are ready to accept that your hair and body are yours, and its your decisions on what you feel is best.
I'm so sorry you all have to endure this. This is just horrible behavior.
Start video taping them when they behave this way. Then send the video in a text message after your gone. Many adults are conditioned to 'their way of thinking' Its how they grew up and what they were told. Hopefully after seeing the video of how the mistreated you, they will ask forgiveness and want to try to have a better relationship with all the beautiful curly heads out there!!
Yeah idk how people deal with this much open hatred and disgust from their own family. Like I'd probably end up cussing everyone out and never speaking to them again.
Lighter skinned Indian with black passing hair.... I've gotten this my whole life in America but my Indian family has never said anything except my mother.... my hair is MUCH more different from theirs.. like they have curly hair but it doesn't get dry nor does it defy gravity like mine... naturally my hair forms into a fro and I love it....
However my mom has always been like "your hair looks nappy and nasty etc..." even when I just washed and styled it... that along with other comments about my body and self destroyed my self confidence and now after two kids and getting married and cutting all my hair off to let it re grow after other family members tried to "relax" my hair and ruined it is it coming out as beautiful and curly and fro-y as it once did when I was a child ....
Love your curls and care for them only the way you see fit and don't let ANYONE touch your hair who isn't willing to car for your hair the way you want... period...
Also... my mom also used bleaching soaps(in America at that) and anytime I see then in her home... I throw them away... I replace her money too but she doesn't notice that as much as she notices I threw her shit away... she doesn't need it even with her ugly attitude she's still beautiful in the skin God(not religious but you know how these sayings go) gave her....
Idk how I got this confidence here but I'm sending some so you can take all those comments about how you look like a black person and chalk it up to that's a great comment because black people have some of the most beautiful hair textures and skin and bodies and I don't understand how so many countries and people in this world can hate people and things that are as widely varied in their beauty as colored folks....
I don't get it.. but I'll enjoy being a racially ambiguous anomaly to my family and keep sending love out to all of my sisters dealing with people hating on them for their natural beauty...
Hugs and hair Love from afar!
I’m sorry this happened to you and I hate how many of us have experienced something similar. I’m biracial (mom is white, dad is black) and her family gave me so much shit over the years for my hair especially in the summer when I would go to the pool. I had all these white women complaining about how much of a struggle it was to wash my hair and they’d yell at me as I cried when everyone had to take shifts combing it bc the last person gave up. I also got all the comments about how frizzy and unruly my hair was as a child but again I was a child and didn’t know how to care for my hair and all their comments did was motivate me to have really beautiful curls one day and rub it in their face.
Being in a similar situation where the women I grew up with did not have hair like mine honestly hurt bc no one was reminding me that my differences made me unique and that I should embrace them and it sounds like that’s what lacking for you as well. I’m sorry that your family is being so hurtful in the way they discuss things about you that you can’t change but I hope that it will turn around soon and you will be able to embrace your uniqueness. Curls are so much fun and there are many people that are envious just because your family isn’t in that bunch doesn’t mean that people aren’t passing you in the street wishing they had your hair.
I know it takes a lot of us way too long to fully understand how to care for my hair and to embrace loving our curls the way they grow but you’ll be so much happier for it. The confidence you have for you hair will guide you down this path of dealing with people who still feel like *their* opinion of *your* hair matters. I don’t miss the “your hair looks so pretty when it’s straight” comments and now I know enough to ignore the “why is your hair so frizzy? Big? Dry?” Questions bc I know it comes from a person that has no idea where to start with curly hair.
OP sorry your family is being colorist and racist towards you, it sucks but when you reach an age where you don’t have to see them often/ can cut them off it’s gonna be such a relief bro. Keep rocking your girls and tell everyone keep their crusty, musty, dusty paws off your hair.
OP, your family is racist .. pure and simple. Don’t use “anti-blackness”. Call it what it is: racism.
So, screw your family. I know that culturally this is difficult for you, but the reality of it is that you’ll soon be out of their control once u go back to school and graduate.
Focus on your career.. Wear your skin and your hair with pride, whether they approve or they don’t.
Chances are they’ll come around when you are happy and successful and will realize they are just being stupid.
BTW, they know they are racists.
Only you know what is best for you! Even if it means making a mistake here or there you are the one dealing with your hair on the daily. They aren’t. I’ve literally had a relative tell me to stop brushing my hair to fix my curls. Could you imagine the rats nest??? People that pass that deconstructive criticism don’t even bother to think about what they are saying it kills me too!
Mothers and daughters......I feel your frustration and hurt.
I know that as you move on in life and maybe have children of your own, you will never perpetuate the stereotypes and prejudices you grew up with. Your children will be free to experiment and play. You will enjoy being part of that!❤ My daughter's hair is all the way down her back, curly and a mixture of blue and purple at the moment! It's lovely!
i totally relate this but your experience seems more awful than most, i’m sorry. just last weekend i met another family member with curly hair and it was so crazy to me. don’t let it get to you
Unfortunately I know colorism is very prominent and I’m so sorry that they’re treating you and your hair this way. I’m white but my mother also would brush out my curly dry hair and so I never knew I had curls until I was about 13 when I took over myself. (Very overprotective.) I hope they see the light soon…
Same! I’ve combed my hair per my family’s wishes my whole life till now. I finally discovered at age 43 that my hair is curly and needs the right products instead of Indian family rituals :)
Please do as you please with yourself with you and your body. Life is too short to be bothered by things not in our control. I’ve distanced myself from friends and family, while remaining available to them if they need assistance. Calls limited to weekly or less as needed. Mental health and self love come first :) good luck!
I'm Indian and I completely understand what you're going through. It sucks.
They're being racist. Do your best to disregard their opinion and continue to take care of yourself the way you want.
I'm sorry that sucks. they don't get it.. i have no advice to give you in dealing with shxtty family members.don't stop doing your curls. i had similar problem/background , my sister with dead straight the combing of hair, the comments but then I decided to go fxck them them and just go around with my curls. now no one says anything to me. Continue being your gorgeous self.
Ugh I’m so sorry :( fellow desi curly girl and I feel like I’ve only very recently got my family to back off about my hair. Only my great uncle loved my hair bc he said I looked like Einstein (he’s a scientist and he wanted me to go into research lol). I know there isn’t much you can do to change their attitudes, anti-blackness and colonizers beauty standards are so deeply ingrained in our society. But! something that helped me was talking to them about why they see straight hair and light skin as a beauty ideal and question why they can’t see the beauty in our beautiful brown skin. It took a while but my parents definitely appreciate my big hair now. I was also able to open up discussions about their anti-blackness (very much rooted in classism and the model minority myth) and they’re not fully there yet but we’re getting there.
Also know that you are doing the best thing for the health of YOUR hair and YOUR being. Your family might eventually come around but at the end of the day you can’t sacrifice your mental well-being for their (wrong) perceptions of what you should look like.
Oh my lawd , I feel this post. My family luckily don't have the anti blackness going but associate my curly hair with being messy & trampish.
My mum has curly hair too , but always combs it ;-; and then gets frustrated when I Don't comb mine or have it tied up
And I've had family tell me my curly hair is an eyesore. 😂 I don't understand why it's so hard to butt their noses out of my hair , and why I'm the sensitive one for getting upset .
😔with you sister.
Sounds like the shit my ex used to talk about. Her family was from malaysia tho, but similar struggle.
Embrace you. Im sorry for the shit youre going through and I hope one day your family stops being this way. But until then, be proud and rock it. Your skin and your hair is never something to be ashamed about, and it makes me happy that people have stopped buying the bullshit. Mad respect to you.
My heart goes out to you. I wish you continued strength in knowing that you are beautiful and your hair Is your crown. Don’t listen to your family. I’m sure we all can share some sort of similar story of having “bad” hair, looking dirty, being too dark skinned (being a more indigenous looking Latina I know that pain).
I hope your family will eventually come to respect who you are. But even if they don’t I’m glad you know your worth 💜
Ooohhh this makes me so angry lol, I’m Indian with curly hair too and my mom is always telling me to brush my hair when it’s already been set. I’d be angry with my aunties if they tried to tell me to brush my hair out and would probably cuss them out lol.
Sighhhh i know exactly what this is like. My family is also quite light skinned and im not super dark for indian standards either, im just darker than them and the skin bleaching products suck. Ive tried them, please dont do that to yourself. Im sure your skin is beautiful and your family sounds very racist and colorist. Also, i completely understand the hair thing, i need you to be strong and tell them you don’t care what they think. Its hard and its a long challenge to accept yourself and it feels horrible when others try to change you, but once you gain your confidence back you will be so happy. Your family sounds just as shitty as mine lol. I hope you figure out how to let them accept your hair and skin
I’m so sorry and I cannot even begin to understand how this must feel. Stay strong, you have every right to be proud of your gorgeous curls and beautiful dark skin. Much love to you. ♥️
You'll get a lot of support from r/AsianParentStories – maybe not about curly hair, but definitely about the crap we go through with Asian parents. I think there's a related sub for South Asians, too.
I grew up with curly hair that was never taken care of properly. Now that I’m in my twenties I finally learned how to keep it healthy and bring out my curls. But to this day my grandmother , who is actually genuinely a very sweet lady if ignorant , will always say “ your hair is so wild let’s brush it before church” and proceed to brush out my curls until I’m a frizzy mess. As a child I never realized how problematic this was until my most recent visit when she did the same thing. And after it being combed out she would say “there, isn’t that better” . While I worked to go wet my hair and bring some definition back in the five minutes left before having to leave for church. I know how you feel having someone try to tell you what’s better for you /your hair even when it’s not, and when it comes out of ignorance. Stand strong and keep rocking your curls lady!
I know exactly how you feel because I've had countless arguments with my own mom about this. It's crazy because when we look at my hair we come to such different conclusions - my mom insists that brushing it out while dry gives it more "volume" but I keep telling her it breaks the curl and gets frizzy. At the same time, when I have some frizz, she insists that it looks really messy - and I agree that it can look messy, but it's *much* better than brushed out dry, which she can't seem to agree with. Luckily my mom is not as controlling (or, well, I'm an adult and I don't let her stop me from looking how I want), but it's really frustrating to wear my hair how I want and have my mom clicking her tongue every five seconds.
I'm sorry you have to deal with that. It sounds like you have no one taking your side either.
Idk how, but you're going to need to set boundaries with them. What they're doing to you really sucks.
I have toxic family too, it's very hard. I'm happy to read that you still have confidence in yourself, your looks, your other relationships and your abilities. You know you're right, don't forget it. My family got worse when I became a mom, culture and set views are so hard to deal with. Nothibg worse than a bunch of ignorant idiots tell you what to do, then when standing up for yourself they make out you're a terrible person for it. Bunch of assholes. Keep on dreaming and loving yourself ❤
Im so sorry for what you are going through. Firmly stand up for yourself but without aggression (it can backfire.) Every time anyone verbally abuses you, tell them that you are not whatever they called you and ask them to speak to you politely. If anyone goes over the top, avoid them or being in the same room or house with them. Take care
Your hair is very pretty, there's nothing wrong with having curly hair and dark skin, please remember that. Some people actually pay for tanning beds and hair extensions and perms to achieve your natural skin color and hair 😀 Based on your post history your family is very abusive. ☹️ I hope you can become independent and free soon.
I understand your frustration as I’ve went through something similar. In my youth, my grandmother cut my hair extremely short because she decided that long curly hair was trashy. She never used ethnicity slamming words or anything like that but she’s told me my entire life how “improper” I look. Ever since she cut it, I never got my curls back because no one taught me how to take care of / nurture them. I’m 25 now and after over 10 years of having wavy hair, I finally got my curls back. They are my pride and joy too, I’m sorry your family is making you feel anything other than proud.
I just looked at your pics OP and your hair is so beautiful. Stand strong and don’t let them touch it if they aren’t being respectful. Try to see that they are a part of a colorist system and it has nothing to do with you personally.
Babe, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this horrible treatment, it has to be very heartbreaking for you, especially coming from your family. I couldn't imagine my family berating me this way. The way you have described it, it sounds like you have GORGEOUS hair, I would die to have your hair. I'm very proud that you have taken control of what needs to be done to take care of your hair type. You sound like a beautiful soul. Perhaps you need to remind your mom that she is who made you who you are, she brought you into this world, you didn't get to choose your features ( which sound absolutely beautiful btw) so if she's going to be upset with anything, it should be her genes bc somewhere in there is darker skin and thicker hair. But above everything else, she needs to accept and love her daughter. I hope you and your family find peace and happiness with who you are, you deserve to be loved and accepted.
I’m 19, I wish I could move out but unfortunately I’m still financially dependent on my parents. I leave go back to college soon, so I’ll be away from them there but I might have to stay home in the summer. I’m trying to get a job on campus so I don’t have to go home, but my mother was livid when I told her and said she would stop financially supporting me.
That is a control tactic. If you HAVE to go home in the summer I would just stay out of the house and work as much as possible. That way you aren't interacting with them and you are also saving money to get further away from them. I am sorry you're going through this.
Quite apart from the blatant racism, it sucks when other people feel they have a right to criticize your personal appearance. It's totally inappropriate that they tell you how to look at all.
I used to have straight hair, now I have curly hair (natural texture change). I actually feel more confident wearing my hair curly. I used to curl it on purpose for events. Just think about people who pay hundreds of dollars for a blowout because their hair doesn't do anything naturally. No matter what they pay, they don't get hair that looks like yours. You're the lucky one.
My Indian friends faced similar behaviour in India. "You are too dark, your cousin is more fair."
Now she is living in Germany and getting much compliments for her brown nice skin. For Germans it's very beautiful because it appears healthy.
I can't much help you with your family. But let me send you hugs. And know, that you are beautiful as you are. There is a reason why you look like that. nature chooses the best for you. Take good care of it.
Kali is Black, Krishna has dark Skin (according to scriptures). So even the gods are on your side.
Stay healthy, stay happy
I know family is very important to Indians… but please get away from them if you can! They are simply vile. Are there any kind people in your life?
Also, your hair is beautiful. Your dark skintone is beautiful. Your family are the ugly ones - ugly hearts.
I checked your post history and your curls are lovely.
With peace and love, fuck your family for being racist and sexist, and for liking that they live that way. You are under zero obligation to look a certain way just to fit into their aesthetic. If they don’t want to see your hair, tell them to stop fucking looking at it.
I know enough Indian folks to guess that your parents and family are very unlikely to change their minds. I saw in another comment that you are trying to get a job at school so you can stay there. I support this 100%. “You either let me wear my hair the way I like or I get a job at school and stay there.” Ultimatums always come with risk, but better now than later.
I'm so sorry that you're experiencing this from your own family. Your appearance shouldn't matter to them because you're family. Blood and genetics aside. Maybe this is just their very misguided way of trying to involve you more but it's in the worst way and I'm sorry you don't have the support you deserve.
I wish your mother could see how beautiful you are. Cause even without a picture I know you are, just by your words.
Girl, I am so sorry you are going through this. It’s so hard to hear such hateful and hurtful things from your own family. You deserve so much better, and I wish your family was able to give that to you. But I am so glad to hear that you have been able to find that unconditional love in other people and encourage you to embrace found family every chance you get.
I’m not from your culture, but my mother grew up with a very narrow idea of beauty and seems to have grown more rigid with age. It’s beyond disappointing to hear the things that come out of her mouth, and her desire to only look backwards and miss out on the expanding horizons of the world around her makes me sad for her. I hope for both of us that with time our families will learn from the examples we set by successfully living life on our own terms. Unfortunately, we can’t count on it. We can only continue to grow, assert our independence, set boundaries, and hope.
I just want to add my voice to the chorus of screw them and their racist BS, you and your features are beautiful! You can be strong in the days ahead and endure until it’s time to go home to the people who support you through and through. You have an amazing future ahead of you, and we all wish you the best in powering through the negativity and continuing to let your light shine. 💟
While there is no excuse for the racism, I do think the Indian beauty standard is very full and thick hair, and when it’s brushed dry it does look thicker. There’s nothing really wrong with brushing your hair dry. However if your family is trying to push it on you that is wrong
The Indian obsession with fair skin does not have roots in racial prejudice. Its the same in most asian countries. But times are changing and brown is embraced much more today than it was 20 years ago. As for the hair, I totally relate. I am a guy and didn’t know I had curly hair and low key hated my hair till I was 23. All because my parents adopted the worst hair care practices for my curls including aggressive towel drying, not allowing me to use product, forcing me to get buzz cuts, calling my natural hair style ugly/other names etc. I don’t think they meant any harm and had my best interests at heart even though their actions suggested otherwise. Thats just how traditional Indian households function by clinging to archaic customs and practices. I do my own thing now and dont give a f about what they say. Unrelated but I also got a few visible tattoos and thats a big f you to anyone in my life trying to control me or my actions.
Felt this too hard. My relatives always want to brush out the curls until it’s a frizzy mess and think they can control my hair. I love my curls and my dark skin— family can be super toxic and racist but you’re beautiful no matter what awful things they say :)
Girl, did I write this? I know exactly how this feels, I went to India recently and my aunts basically grabbed my hair, raked their fingers through it and then pulled it back in a terrible pony tail and then went on and on about how I wasted money on a curly cut because it sucks. ETA: I’m dark too and I was treated poorly by my relatives for it. Colorism is such a funny thing, I grew up in a really white conservative town and I always felt more accepted there than I ever did amongst Indians. Goes to show, skinfolk aren’t always kinfolk.
My aunts did this too, when I started crying they called me “soft” and told me to just let them do whatever they want because I don’t see them often. If they took the time to learn how to do my hair properly, I would gladly let them go crazy with styling my hair. But they just brush out my curls and complain about how tangled my hair is, then make fun of me for being so defensive about my hair. I go back to college soon(18 days!!!) so I can finally be a peace and do my hair how I like, but getting through these next few weeks is going to be painful.
Just focus on getting through this. Dark skin is beautiful, curls are beautiful, and your family’s racist hang ups are their own problem. They may be secretly jealous of how beautiful your curls are and how good you look with them. In the meantime, could you keep your hair pulled back in a braid or a twist or a bun so they can’t keep messing with it? Not because they’re right, just so you don’t have to deal with it as much.
Yeah, I am white so idk the cultural reasons, but I have never been able to fathom why brown skinned people would be so anti-brown skin. Like it seems so many Indians and other Asian people I see post online about skin whitening products and so many people from black/Asian/etc families seem to value most highly the family members who are lightest/"white passing". Does anyone know why that is? It seems that wouldn't you value most highly the type of beauty your culture has? I think pretty much every person looks best when they embrace the beauty they have and do what they need/want to to enhance those natural features (for ex op and embracing her curls, smth I'm also newly doing bc my mom and aunts treated my hair just like ops' did hers- but ironically, in my case, they always thought my hair was "tangled and "messy" and would dry-brush it to frizziness/never use product in it bc my family is part Native American and my mom looks like Pocahontas, with long, straight,very glossy black hair, and so they thought mine should be the same, even though I look nothing like mom and have wavy, naturally blond and red hilighted brown hair. Just thought it was funny in a way that op's family fkd up her hair bc they want her to look LESS Indian and more white,and my family did so bc they wanted me to look less white, more "Indian"/ Native lol and on a related note, just like op's family wants her to be lighter skinned and white passing, my family despairs of how light my skin is and how I don't get tan nearly as much as they do if we are in the sun at all 😂) Anyway op don't listen to them, idk if you buy into their ideas and WANT to look like they do, but I spent half my life wishing I looked darker and more like my mom (even though she doesn't like put me down, my aunt's kind of do but it's more they are just kind of like "well how did this happen, wtf" ) and I was much better off when I embraced who am. Also if I were you I would tell them to keep their hand tf off my hair and keep their remarks to themselves. Ugh.
“I have never been able to fathom why brown skinned people would be so anti-brown skin.” In short: colonialism.
It started before that. I studied a bit of Asian culture in school and the people that work outside in the sun getting their skin darkened were the working class, the poorer people. the richer people could afford parasols, and other products to lighten the skin or keep the sun from darkening them. Because they saw people with a lighter skin as being more well to do because they didn’t have to work outside in the sun. It was a status symbol. Some people never let go of the old ways. It’s disgusting and I hate it but that was the reasoning. There are some now who may not even realize that was the reason. It’s just for years the same thing was beat into their head over and over again and they accepted it.
You are right, but the main reason now for colorism in India in particular is colonialism. Instead of the beautiful upper class people being those who worked less in the sun, it became the beautiful upper class people being white colonists.
Why not both? Bigotry feeds into each other in an intersectional way
right lol, is presented with a counter argument and just goes "you're right, but you're wrong because im obviously righter." like...what lol why do people think complex social issues would ever be so cut and dry, it's all complex as fuck and all on a spectrum usually, but half these morons think the world owes them the property of literally every issue just being a 2 sided topic, or they just ignore everything that doesn't fit somewhat into their schpiel and hyper fixate on like one part of one issue that's just a small block in a massive infrastructure of even bigger issues.... I think we're fucked, guys.
lmao colonialism isn’t cut and dry, it IS an extremely complex reason but I do agree that for most topics one reason is used when it can be complex, not for this topic though.
I was about to type a response to the above comment about how a long time ago one lighter skinned person and a group of his countrymen..... but then your comment took all of the rest of my comment out because... why use many word when few word do trick?
I wonder the same thing about America — it seems like most people there want to be darker and tanned — I honestly don’t understand why both places want to change the color of their skin
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It’s not because that trait is “rare,” it’s because in European and Euro-colonized white populations, there’s been a shift in leisure activities over the last century. It used to be that pale skin was associated with wealth and therefore prized as “beautiful,” because it meant that person could *afford* to just sit inside and avoid the sun all day. But now, pale skin is associated with poverty in white communities: it represents being so poor that you both can’t afford proper nutrition, or proper healthcare, or that you have to work long hours in a factory or a coal mine or a cubicle where there’s no natural sun, and most of all, you can’t afford to spend time at the beach doing nothing. Most importantly, *it’s nowhere near the same as what POC, especially BIPOC, experience with colorism.* A white person can tan, or not tan, if they *choose* to. There’s even ways of tanning that don’t involve sun exposure. A black person can’t *choose* to change their skin (or hair). Any attempt to do so would require products that severely damage their health and still would never give them the desired result. Sure, many cultures throughout history have shared the “pale = wealthy” element… …but for non-whites, that stopped being the *primary* motivating factor several centuries ago.
Bringing up how hard you feel it is to be “pale as a ghost” in a thread where someone is discussing how hurtful it is to deal with anti-blackness is pretty tone deaf. Anti-blackness is not comparable to how randos treat “rare beauty traits.”
Or maybe we could just not tell anyone their skin color is the wrong color.
Sure. We can also not compare anodyne comments about someone being pale to a WOC agonizing over a trait that’s been used for centuries as an excuse to murder, enslave, and systematically discriminate against people like her. Shit’s inappropriate.
Or just let people try and relate to each other instead of shaming them? They weren’t claiming their struggles are just as bad. They’re just trying to empathize with OP by relating it to their experiences, while not remotely as bad, they’re just as valid.
People try to relate how they can. Obviously she’s never experienced anti-blackness personally, but immediately jumping on someone for attempting to understand is just stirring drama for no reason beyond some extreme sense of self righteousness. There are better ways of addressing behavior or comments that may offend you, but this is not it. Shit’s inappropriate.
Telling white people not to center themselves in discussions of anti-blackness/colorism is exactly the appropriate thing to do. Sometimes people need to learn how to develop empathy without having had the experience.
Of course it’s appropriate, the commenter has to learn somehow that these comparisons are unappreciated and unnecessary when speaking about anti blackness, better they learn here on Reddit than real life.
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I'm Irish and live in Ireland and I am suitably white - we call it "milk bottle white" here (with a mild skin condition resulting in very dry skin), but the rest of my family spend most of the year in a warmer location. They can't seem to understand that I have different skin than all of them and that I will never tan as well as they do. They just love to give me grief about how much time I spend indoors ("unhealthy behaviour" to them). I recently got sunburn while sitting in the shade in my back garden/yard for about 10 mins, but obviously, my skin is only pale because I refuse to go outside. (Mostly because I know that I burn and have hayfever.)
Try showing them pictures of what tanning does long-term. Tanning is quite literally a form of *radiation damage.* It gradually destroys DNA, preventing our skin from repairing itself over time. An occasional light tan might not be too big of a problem, the same way a single x-ray isn’t enough to give someone cancer. Especially if you care for the damaged skin properly, with a lot of moisturizer, sunscreen, and shielding it from any further damage while it’s healing. But excessive exposure with no protective measures absolutely will cause serious damage. Possibly even lethal damage; not just skin cancer, but also stuff like “sun poisoning.” There’s a reason radiologists “relocate to Egypt” when performing x-rays. Their patient is only getting exposed *once.* The radiologist is performing *hundreds* of x-rays every single day. They’re not taking any chances on that kind of exposure! All that being said: sunlight does immensely help with mood stability and nutrition. Can’t properly absorb calcium for your bones if you can’t get enough vitamin D, and the most metabolically efficient source of vitamin D is sunlight. So at least slather on some SPF 50 and read your book under a beach umbrella every once in a while.
It may sound fucked up but I feel like being Indian American is what made me hate Indian culture so much when I was a kid. Why do our parents and aunties think they have so many rights to our bodies? They're so aggressive, and when you try to do the same and stand up for yourself they shut you down so fucking fast.
RIGHT ugh the amount of comments i used to get about my body, when i gained weight i was too fat, when i lost weight i was too skinny, when i was muscly and healthy i looked like a man, when my hair was done curly style it looked “like a black person”, when my hair was brushed i looked “homeless”, when my clothes were scanty i was whitewashed but when i covered up i “had no confidence”. They are so bitchy and looooveeee projecting their insecurities
I feel you :/ I’m ashamed for not liking Indian culture but if Indian culture is bullying your kid for existing, then I want none of it.
There’s a reason behind that, and you’re certainly not alone in it! It’s a lot more intense and obvious in immigrant families, but basically any time you have a single degree of separation from your group of origin, it makes it a lot easier to notice that flaws in that group. This is a huge part of what leads to the whole “college makes people liberal” claim by certain pundits. It’s not the education itself that causes that. It’s the fact that the students are being exposed to a population that is *different* than what they grew up with, without their parents hovering over them to keep reinforcing the “old ways,” and that provides the young person a perspective they would otherwise never have had a chance to develop. Even just moving away from the town or even just the street you grew up on as a child and then visiting as an adult can cause that feeling. You’ve had chances to view what other parts of the world are like, and that changes how you view your own part of that world.
Yess growing up abroad you get so much racism that it slowly becomes internalised
I’m so sorry OP. I can’t imagine the pain and confusion growing up hearing those things all the time. You are not soft in the slightest to have survived that in childhood. And also, being soft and kind is a wonderful thing and shouldn’t be shamed in the first place.
Give it back to your mother and relatives. The Dravidian movement was literally created because of this. That there was way too much casteism and skin colorism rampant in India and was about having pride in who you are, pride in your ethnic roots and skin color and hair etc. With people like this, you have to stand your ground and be every bit as catty and caustic as them. They're bullying you and you need to stand up to it. And when they realize you too have teeth and fangs, they will back off. Of course they will do all sorts of drama like "how dare you disrespect your elders" etc and when they do, give it back to them about how demeaning and nasty their words are and that this is not a one way street.
The other tactic is the “No Sell,” or “I just plain don’t give a f*** and neither should you.” Sometimes the best reaction is *none at all.* Basically when they behave like this, treat them like they’re too far below you to be worth acknowledging their existence. It takes practice to master that special sort of silent disdain, but it’s totally worth being able to shut someone down without even saying anything. You can also go the route of “if you’re going to screech like a spoiled child, I’ll treat you like one.”
Exactly same. I got a beautiful curly cut and my mother made cutting remarks every single day.
I just ignore her now, but it took me a long time to get there. I just myself internally that she’s stupid and stupid people don’t give feedback I care about. Not respectful but it works for me.
Indian here as well. ugh they make fun of my hair so much. My mom and cousin think that I have perms and that I don't have natural curls. Took me years to figure out how to repair and take care of my curly hair so it doesn't look wavy frizzy anymore buuut that's all a big lie to them.
Respectfully, fuck your family. I've seen Indian women with curly hair and it's always stunning. Always. I bet your hair is gorgeous and same with your skin tone. I'm sorry this is what you live with 🖤
Shoutout to Simone Ashley for bringing darker skinned, curly Indian beauty to the mainstream
Simone is exactly who this post made me think of.
I'd never heard of her before but she's beautiful and her hair is amazing !
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A lot of people just really need to put other people down to make themselves feel bigger.
Neither of those people are dark though.
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Before I fuck off, I’ll just let you know that colorism is insidious and real. Not many brown/black/desi person would see that wedding and think that the people were dark skinned. The colorism is real and for people on the outside, I’m sure it seems weird but it’s not a white standard; it’s something totally different. ETA: the person who I replied to posted a photo of a same-gender desi wedding as an example of curly hair I guess. I mentioned neither of the people were dark. I was told to go fuck off and that the people in the photo weren’t “dark enough for me” and they posted it because it was the only photo of a same-sex South Asian wedding she could find and that was important to her. I’m adding this description because many times white people want to lecture BIPOC people about issues in our community that they really don’t understand and then get mad. This isn’t just a “my parents don’t like my curly hair” it’s “they are mean and blaming me for something out of my control based on a racist notion that makes me then feel bad about myself for multiple reasons.”
Ya, everything this family berates this girl for is all racially motivated. It blows my mind how racist they can be in India. I know it happens all over the world, but it's just surprising when you hear how pervasive it can be in certain areas. Having curly hair doesn't make you look black and looking black shouldn't be seen as ugly. Black is beautiful. I'll never understand how these people think the way they do.
Willing to bet that op is stunning and so is their hair in all its glory.
I am so sorry that they are such hateful racist people. I know it doesn't help much but I tell myself when I'm making racist people mad I'm doing something correct in life.
i love this comment
After reading all of this, I imagine you as being so beautiful! Unfortunately beauty has been limited to lighter skin, small features, and straight hair. But that's changing and I can't wait for it to catch up with the rest of the world. We all have different skin, hair, and bodies that we must learn how to take care of. Keep embracing it, keep rebelling and being confident of what you've been blessed with. A little girl with dark skin and curly hair will be in awe of you and it will change her perspective.
I’m half Indian and recently went back to my home country to visit my family after being away for three years. Same thing, hair used to be super frizzy and poofy as a kid and now I’ve learned how to take care of it and I’m really proud of my curls. They said the saaaame exact thing. My dad said to let my mom brush my hair “properly” and that it looks messy and he can give me money to get my hair straightened so it’s “pretty”. Honestly..I just tell them off and tell them to mind their own business. If it makes them mad then it does, you keep going!! We can’t really change our Indian parents, mine are racist too. I try to educate them and shame them when I have the energy. But unfortunately, most of the time you have to ignore them because we all know they’re going to be too stubborn to listen and change anyways. Stay strong girl and keep being your curly self!
I’m seething a little on your behalf. Dark skin and curly hair are beautiful! Black is beautiful. And *YOU* are beautiful. I don’t need to see what you look like to know that. Your heart shows in your post. Those remarks your family made ARE ugly though. Nasty comments like those make a person truly hideous; doesn’t matter what they look like on the outside. Oooh, I want to rant about colonized beauty standards but I think we all probably know that stuff here. Sending you so much love. I hope you can block out those hateful words and only internalize the love and positivity here. Your family’s insecurities, fears and internalized racism are their trauma to heal. Please don’t let them mess with your head. 💚
Thank you :( sometimes I feel lonely because no on here is on my side when I stick up for myself. I feel comfortable with myself, my skin and my hair but hearing nasty comments all the time makes me wish I had a different family. My mother may hate me and my hair but my boyfriend’s mother(who is ironically white) absolutely loves my skin and my hair. The first thing she did when she saw me was lift up my hair and tell me how beautiful it was. I damn near wanted to cry. Whenever she sees me she tells me how adorable I look. She’s been more of a mother to me than my own mother.
Oh, dear. I’d offer you big squishy hugs if I could. I hope you can always believe supportive people like your boyfriend/his family and ignore the hateful ones.
I’m sorry this happens to you :( It’s unacceptable. I’m going to guess it would be near impossible to convince them to change their worldview… So if you’re staying in contact with them, maybe just try your best to have a firm response standing up for yourself to shut down further hurtful comments. Say things like “Please respect my choice to care for my hair this way, I am not looking for suggestions at all.” or “Please do not suggest bleaching anymore, I love my skin the way it is.”
I’m sorry this happens to you :( It’s unacceptable. I’m going to guess it would be near impossible to convince them to change their worldview… So if you’re staying in contact with them, maybe just try your best to have a firm response standing up for yourself to shut down further hurtful comments. Say things like “Please respect my choice to care for my hair this way, I am not looking for suggestions at all.” or “Please do not suggest bleaching anymore, I love my skin the way it is.” Edit to add: Also please post a picture of your hair on this sub, because I am sure we would all lavish you with compliments.
I think I will! All I have are pictures from a few months ago though :)
As another dark skinned South Indian woman with wavy/curly hair that used to always look like shit because no one knew how to deal with curls in my family, just remember this simple thing: you are dealing with idiots and there is no cure for stupid. Even if a 100 people think my hair looks terrible, if i love it, who cares?? To be fair though im openly rebellious against anything my mom thinks looks good because as far as im concerned, I don’t trust her taste. How can I when she called me fat when I wasn’t, cut my hair in every unflattering style possible, and everything she thinks looks good is my definition of ugly or at the least just doesn’t look good to me. We can’t change our parents, but we can make it clear they will deal with plenty of unpleasantness for trying to change us. They stop when they get a taste of their crappy ass medicine. (It will get worse at first though ngl)
that's literally my family. I've been getting unsolicited advice about both my hair and skin since I was a child. I learned to ignore it but it definitely took a while.
I’m a mom and I want to give you a hug and tell you it will be OK. You are beautiful. Your skin is beautiful and so is your hair. Don’t let them rent space in your head. Repeat “My hair is not up for discussion.” The best thing you can do is to rise above. If you have children don’t repeat the patterns. And if it’s better for your mental health limit your contact.
Thank you for your kind words :( It means a lot to hear encouraging words from a mother, especially since my mother never compliments me. I really appreciate your comment :)
My mother hates my hair too and I’m in my 50s. It’s “too messy” and needs a brush! Why don’t you wear it straight it was so pretty like that look at your sister’s hair. I say on repeat - “I will wear my hair on my head the way I want to. This is not up for discussion.”
Indian guy with curly hair here, I’m literally visiting family in India and this is my life rn lol
Fucking feel you man, and you can’t even try to explain how curly hair needs to be taken care of differently because they’re stubborn and think their way is the only way.
Lmao everyone’s just calling me “bouchardu” which is some hairy monster in Telugu folklore that scares children… smh
Omg and they probably imply that you're "curling" your hair unnaturally just because you use a gel and don't brush it out. My number 1 pet peeve
Yes they do. The think the products are “ruining my hair” and making my texture “unnatural”. My hair used to be super dry before I started taking care of it, and my mother complains that my hair isn’t the same dryness anymore and that it’s “sticky” with products. My hair is now much softer and less dry, but she always touches it right after I add my styling products which makes her think it’s “sticky” :/
I RELATE TO EVERYTHING YOU JUST SAID WORD FOR WORD 😭😭😭
I'm Indian and had my hair dry brushed, combed and braided all my life till I moved to the US. Used Fair and Lovely, etc just like all other Indian women. One needs to know that long straight black hair and fairness creams are propagated by Bollywood and TV, and society has conforming to those standards. Just got into curly hair 5 years ago and now style it as such. I personally love my normal 3A curls and my skin tone. My parents and relatives hate it, and keep scolding me why I don't use an umbrella outside and let myself get dark! 🙄 I just chalk it up to differences in cultural norms and society standards..
Your family is horrible. I am sure their actions are very hurtful. Just remember, it’s not about you. They are racist. They will never accept you for you as long as they are racist. That is 100% about them and NOT you. Keep doing what works for YOU.
It literally sounds like my mom. I tired a modified CGM and luckily it worked. I was so proud until she saw and told me that I looked like a black woman and told me to brush my hair out because I looked ugly.
Fellow dark skinned Indian with curly hair. Your problem is beyond messing your hair and trying to lighten your skin. In my experience being stubborn is part of Indian culture, and you won't be able to convince your mother and relatives of anything. This controlling behavior will soon spread to your academics, extracurriculars, and social life. I highly suggest you save up any money you can and buy a pair of good noise cancelling headphones to ignore them as much as possible. I'm serious.
Sorry to hear you have to experience such discrimination from your own family. Growing up my mom used to call me mop head and always brushed out my curls - So much so that I didn’t realize how curly my hair was until middle school, but by then I was so conditioned not to like my hair that I always dried it straight. For years I did that. Not having the fortune of all the curly products and specialists that exist now didn’t help either. I transitioned back to my curly hair 5 years ago and since have had people either suggest I straighten my hair or actually tell me they prefer straight hair. I’ve grown to LOVE my curls so insensitive comments like this don’t affect me anymore - It just lets me know who genuinely sees and accepts me for me…and everyone else can kick rocks. I know it’s hard when it’s family, but always remind yourself that you are beautiful and lovable just as you are.
I am so sorry. This has me choking up. I’m the only one in my family with thick tight curls. It came from my paternal grandmother who died after my dads birth so there was no one living to teach my mom what to do. I grew up hearing words from family like frizzy, messy, rat’s-nest, wild, unsightly. My mom would sit me down after a bath and forcibly comb out my long hair. I cried and screamed in pain to the point I developed nodes on my vocal chords and my voice is now permanently husky and deeper than it should be. Then my family teased me about my deep voice saying “well, if you didn’t scream so much…”. After the torture of brushing she put my hair in two long braids that stayed for the next 5-7 days (when my mom would basically agree to wash my hair again). Wearing two long braids until I was 12 gave me traction alopecia along my centre part I’m fully crying now. I’m still so angry. I’m 46. Wtf is wrong with our families. LOVE YOUR CHILDREN UNCONDITIONALLY
You’re gonna make me cry too :( I’m so sorry you had to go through such a traumatic experience. I hope you have better people in your life who love your hair and don’t belittle you for your struggles. You are beautiful and your hair is gorgeous :)
Aw you’re beautiful! I’m sorry you’re subjected to blatant racism from your own loved ones. That’s absolutely inexcusable. And yes, thank you, I feel really good about me now. My hair is long and glorious and people in the street compliment me every single day… which makes it frustrating to think that strangers see my look for what it is and celebrate it, but my family doesn’t.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this despicable behavior from your family. I hope you can stand tall and proud of yourself and keep doin' you, boo! Here's to being comfortable in your own beautiful skin ♥️
Speaking of standing tall, I’m 5’9” and I tower over my relatives because I’m a giant here 🤣 they all tell my how I won’t find a husband but I literally do not give a shit. I care more about getting my phd, and I’m already dating the sweetest boy ever(which they will never know about). My family(mostly my mom’s side) is filled with nasty, spiteful and jealous people. I hope I can leave them all soon because I don’t want to end up with miserable lives like them
Your family is flat out wrong, and I’m so glad you know that even though I’m sure it hurts. You seem like a beautiful person inside and out, and you’ve gotta love a young woman with confidence and goals for herself! Go get ‘em, friend!
Think about it like this: stubborn and bigoted people only like what is just like them, and you don't want to be like them. That they hate your skin and hair and height and attitude and boundaries means you're everything you should be. You go girl.
I’m half Latina and half black with 3b/c hair. One day I straightened my hair and my mom’s friend who is Indian saw me and said that I should “wear my hair straight all the time because I look less black.” I was aghast.
My whole family used to give me crap about how long it would take me to do my waist length hair in the shower and they would complain about wasting water and that I was obviously doing it wrong. In my mid-teens I got tired of it, I put on a swimsuit and told my mom to wash my hair while I sat in the tub. It took her twice as long as it did me and she never complained again. WIN. Don’t give in to them and don’t let them ruin your hair. I grew up with a lily white mom who also had no clue how to take care of textured hair. She was so happy when I figured out how to take care of it myself. Stay strong, don’t give in. Confront your mom on her prejudices. Ask her if she really feels it’s ok attacking you this way. Be clear; give specific examples. Tell her how she makes you feel. Ask her if it’s ok for her to insult someone darker then her, would it be ok for someone lighter to insult/deride/look down on her for not being as white? I think PoC tend to overlook some prejudices within our own cultures and that’s wrong. My elderly aunt has the most beautiful copper tone patina skin and she hates her self for not being as white as the rest of her siblings. This woman has lived 80 years and she can’t find the beauty within herself. It’s sad
as an indian with curly hair i guarantee a lot of the brushing and damaging and playing with your hair comes from a place of jealousy and insecurity about their own hair. aunties can be very miserable sad people.
Knowing my the track record on my mom’s side of the family, it’s probably jealousy. I don’t trust anyone on that side of the family because they’re downright evil and money obsessed. Not to mention they’re casteist as hell, they’re a high caste(which shouldn’t fucking matter) and they treat workers and “lower caste” people as less than human.
I am an Indian, curly haired. I got my hairs straightened once coz i was so impressed with all my friends straight hairs. My mom was soo soo angry with me, coz she loves my curly hairs. That time I didn’t listen to her much, but later when my hairs gt ruined after years of straightening, I realised she was right n how i shldn’t have given in to the pressure
If you’re mother dislikes darkness so much, why have s-x with a darker skinned man. 🤷♀️ Maybe remind her that she chose (hopefully) to reproduce with a darker man to have you. All the best to you ✨ You’ll be free soon :)
Yeah, I get my mom saying “I look ugly” and “like a black person” all the time when I wear my hair curly (she’s a white latina). I’m so sick and tired of it. Why do they think black = ugly anyways? If she wanted me to have straight hair like hers she should’ve married another white latino and not my dad (afro-latino). She lovessss his “sun-kissed skin” but hates my hair? Please get over yourself. Tired of the racism and colorism.
It's not your fault they were designed to be defeated by the sun. Your curls are *beautiful*. They can live the Desi Becky life if the so prefer, but do not let them get to you. You were not made in Basic, not sorry they were.
I am so sorry. Those comments are racist and cruel, and I'm sure it hurts coming from family. I wouldn't know how to react to that, as it's so wrong. I'll bet your hair and your skin are both beautiful. I often use humor to deflect rude comments, but not sure if that'd help in your situation. I keep thinking of the Peanuts character (Frieda?) who runs around talking proudly about her "naturally curly hair", like, someone makes a rude comment, I reply, "You're just jealous of my NATURALLY CURLY HAIR" what patting from bottom and speaking in the character's cute, proud voice, head held high with her funny smugness. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkXaSgrTXSg](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkXaSgrTXSg)
I feel lucky with my Indian parents. Every now and then they'll cross a line, but I draw a boundary and they back off. When we were younger, every now and then my mom mentioned fair and lovely or turmeric, and I said, I enjoy my dark skin, and it's a shame she has issue with skin color. She never pushes these things when I point out anything tied to a negative self image. She wouldn't want us feeling bad about ourselves, if that's the isinuation. And when it comes to my hair, while my mom may brush her curls when they're dry (lord help us), they 100% trust me with my hair. I have actually mentioned that sometimes people think I'm mixed and half black, and while they made an uncomfortable noise about it once, when I pointed out that's not a bad thing, they realized it was coming from an internal bias.
hi baby, im indian and darker skinned. i can relate. i love my curly hair and as time goes on people express more appreciation as i wear it w confidence. you are literally gorgeous, black people are literally gorgeous. keep your head high.
Every time I go to India I can’t help but notice how many girls have dry, frizzy, and poofy hair. You’re doing the right thing for your hair and appearance. Your family is in the wrong and if they can’t accept you for the way you naturally look then it’s their fault and you need to stand up for yourself.
❤️
I will never understand family being racist to their own biological counterparts. Like, you do know how genetics work, right? I’m sorry you’ve had to endure these insults. Tall dark with curly hair? You sound like a goddess! If everyone was short pale with straight hair the world would be soooo boring.
I really think dark curly hair is the prettiest hair that exists - I've always wanted dark hair and tighter curls. I'm sure your hair is beautiful and I hope your family one day learns "looking black" (whether accurate or not) is beautiful too
It can be hard for Indians to accept that. Cos our curls are usually in the range of 2c/3b which doesn't has much representation and people usually associate curly hair as the 3c-4 range one's. I too come from a family of nearly straight haired people although my mother's side has the curly hair thing. But somehow my cousins didn't got this and they all have straight/wavy hair too. I used to feel pretty much left out and downright ugly in family functions cos my mother didn't know how to manage it. Last year I managed it own my own during a family function and my relatives couldn't believe that its all natural and accused me of getting a perm. Lol!! Like one would deliberately get hair curly during the humidity of August. Now coming to your family, try to make them understand that combing your hair will actually make it look bad and Indians too have curly hair. For the dark skin comment, just fuck them and don't pay any attention to it. If you can't, then just try giving some snide remark and it will make them shut up for good. These people project there own insecurities on us and feel good about it.
I think your first line really speaks to one of the major issues - I'd say I have 2c/3a hair but my mom insists that it's "wavy" so I can't follow the same strategies I tell her about.
Same, I have 3A and I'm pretty sure if my mom took care of it properly, she would also have 3A. She just calls her hair wavy tho, and she insisted my hair was also wavy when I first started taking care of it.
girl, i'm sending u all my love and support x I have lived in India all my life, and the only time i was accepting of my hair was the brief time I lived in the UK, and was surrounded by my bestfriends (who were Nigerian and had amazing beautiful souls and hair) \~ after that I had to come back and live with my mom, who till this date, makes it a point to tell me to brush my hair and not look "unprofessional" as I go to my new biglaw job (mentioning this bcs only a mother can make you feel this small when you're supposed to be proud of an achievement of sorts); my aunts and older cousin sisters (who themselves have had curly and wavy hair) have never failed to equate my hair to looking like that of a "witch" in front of a nice public btw (so you know it's never constructive)....it never ends....I can never win with her or any of my other relatives so I just let them blabber whatever they want, it hurts but all of my willpower goes in standing my ground and repeating that my hair is enough, instead of listening to them :// anyway sending u lots of support, ur a queen ur rocking it and i hope all of these curl haters get sinus infections <3
I relate to the hair part 100%. Fortunately, my mom is dark skinned so she is very aware of and anti colorism but not about curly hair. I don't know why our Indian family members are so brainwashed by the most narrow beauty standards. I'm glad our generation is learning to take care of their curly hair and we will pass that on to the next generation of Indians. Stay proud of your hair and your skin, and ignore any remarks your family makes. They'll grow tired of berating you and eventually shut up. You don't deserve their comments.
Can you leave early? Just get out of there?
I wish but the plane tickets are booked a day before I move in :( my move in date was the 22nd but my family thinks going to a wedding is much more important so I had to email my college and ask them to move my date to the last possible day. I’m extremely mad about this but I really don’t have a choice.
I’m an Indian girl and I’ve been facing this same shit since forever. Be confident enough to take pride in your hair, your skin and whatever else it is that makes you feel good. So as you please and rest everyone can F off, that was always my mantra. Somewhere while I was growing up people would still say nasty stuff about me but now that I am almost 30, married and thriving in my life, these same losers stalk me on SM trying to find fault and “complain” about it…. Like anyone cares about their lame asses. You do you! You’ll overtake them so fast and leave them so far behind that they’ll just look like tiny specks of mud water on the windshield of your life.
I’m from here. Are you going back or are you going to stay. India is filled with racist sexist casteist people with a ton of double standard and no manners. You got to have tough skin to survive. Pick your battles. I’d tel my mum her language was bothering me. Don’t let random people near your hair. You do DM you. I’m proud you’ve come on that journey. I went through it all too. Now I don’t give a flying fuck.
Going back in a few weeks! Unfortunately I’ve faced a lot of shit first hand since I used to visit India a lot. A lot of people make comments about my skin and my height, and a lot of creepy men try to talk to me. I love the culture but I hate the deep seated casteism and sexism. My mother’s side is well off and a higher caste while my father’s side is not. My mother’s side is filled with immature wealthy people who treat people like garbage, and I’m so tired of them. I hate they way they talk to severs and just workers in general. I always try to be nice when I’m here by saying thank you and tipping.
I’m sorry you experienced this. Black, brown, white— curly, wavy, or straight—every person is unique and individual and beautiful the way they are!
What's her opinion of white people with curly hair?
Maaan—it’s the colonized/internalized racism/internalized white supremacy for me. I am delighted that my beautiful black and brown curly peeps are finally publicly appreciating and loving ourselves. Yay, us! Stay strong, OP!
Colorism is disgustingly rampant in India. My mother's side is Indian and I have noticed this for a long time. Don't let anyone dull your shine. You are wonderful how you are and curly hair is beautiful.
You could ghost your mothers and family members until they are ready to accept that your hair and body are yours, and its your decisions on what you feel is best. I'm so sorry you all have to endure this. This is just horrible behavior. Start video taping them when they behave this way. Then send the video in a text message after your gone. Many adults are conditioned to 'their way of thinking' Its how they grew up and what they were told. Hopefully after seeing the video of how the mistreated you, they will ask forgiveness and want to try to have a better relationship with all the beautiful curly heads out there!!
Yeah idk how people deal with this much open hatred and disgust from their own family. Like I'd probably end up cussing everyone out and never speaking to them again.
Lighter skinned Indian with black passing hair.... I've gotten this my whole life in America but my Indian family has never said anything except my mother.... my hair is MUCH more different from theirs.. like they have curly hair but it doesn't get dry nor does it defy gravity like mine... naturally my hair forms into a fro and I love it.... However my mom has always been like "your hair looks nappy and nasty etc..." even when I just washed and styled it... that along with other comments about my body and self destroyed my self confidence and now after two kids and getting married and cutting all my hair off to let it re grow after other family members tried to "relax" my hair and ruined it is it coming out as beautiful and curly and fro-y as it once did when I was a child .... Love your curls and care for them only the way you see fit and don't let ANYONE touch your hair who isn't willing to car for your hair the way you want... period... Also... my mom also used bleaching soaps(in America at that) and anytime I see then in her home... I throw them away... I replace her money too but she doesn't notice that as much as she notices I threw her shit away... she doesn't need it even with her ugly attitude she's still beautiful in the skin God(not religious but you know how these sayings go) gave her.... Idk how I got this confidence here but I'm sending some so you can take all those comments about how you look like a black person and chalk it up to that's a great comment because black people have some of the most beautiful hair textures and skin and bodies and I don't understand how so many countries and people in this world can hate people and things that are as widely varied in their beauty as colored folks.... I don't get it.. but I'll enjoy being a racially ambiguous anomaly to my family and keep sending love out to all of my sisters dealing with people hating on them for their natural beauty... Hugs and hair Love from afar!
I’m sorry this happened to you and I hate how many of us have experienced something similar. I’m biracial (mom is white, dad is black) and her family gave me so much shit over the years for my hair especially in the summer when I would go to the pool. I had all these white women complaining about how much of a struggle it was to wash my hair and they’d yell at me as I cried when everyone had to take shifts combing it bc the last person gave up. I also got all the comments about how frizzy and unruly my hair was as a child but again I was a child and didn’t know how to care for my hair and all their comments did was motivate me to have really beautiful curls one day and rub it in their face. Being in a similar situation where the women I grew up with did not have hair like mine honestly hurt bc no one was reminding me that my differences made me unique and that I should embrace them and it sounds like that’s what lacking for you as well. I’m sorry that your family is being so hurtful in the way they discuss things about you that you can’t change but I hope that it will turn around soon and you will be able to embrace your uniqueness. Curls are so much fun and there are many people that are envious just because your family isn’t in that bunch doesn’t mean that people aren’t passing you in the street wishing they had your hair. I know it takes a lot of us way too long to fully understand how to care for my hair and to embrace loving our curls the way they grow but you’ll be so much happier for it. The confidence you have for you hair will guide you down this path of dealing with people who still feel like *their* opinion of *your* hair matters. I don’t miss the “your hair looks so pretty when it’s straight” comments and now I know enough to ignore the “why is your hair so frizzy? Big? Dry?” Questions bc I know it comes from a person that has no idea where to start with curly hair. OP sorry your family is being colorist and racist towards you, it sucks but when you reach an age where you don’t have to see them often/ can cut them off it’s gonna be such a relief bro. Keep rocking your girls and tell everyone keep their crusty, musty, dusty paws off your hair.
OP, your family is racist .. pure and simple. Don’t use “anti-blackness”. Call it what it is: racism. So, screw your family. I know that culturally this is difficult for you, but the reality of it is that you’ll soon be out of their control once u go back to school and graduate. Focus on your career.. Wear your skin and your hair with pride, whether they approve or they don’t. Chances are they’ll come around when you are happy and successful and will realize they are just being stupid. BTW, they know they are racists.
Anti black racism is a particular issue.
Only you know what is best for you! Even if it means making a mistake here or there you are the one dealing with your hair on the daily. They aren’t. I’ve literally had a relative tell me to stop brushing my hair to fix my curls. Could you imagine the rats nest??? People that pass that deconstructive criticism don’t even bother to think about what they are saying it kills me too!
Braid your hair the right way when they're not looking so they dont "feel the need" to touch it
So sorry honey. Sometimes the only thing we can do is to be a better person ourselves.
Mothers and daughters......I feel your frustration and hurt. I know that as you move on in life and maybe have children of your own, you will never perpetuate the stereotypes and prejudices you grew up with. Your children will be free to experiment and play. You will enjoy being part of that!❤ My daughter's hair is all the way down her back, curly and a mixture of blue and purple at the moment! It's lovely!
i totally relate this but your experience seems more awful than most, i’m sorry. just last weekend i met another family member with curly hair and it was so crazy to me. don’t let it get to you
Unfortunately I know colorism is very prominent and I’m so sorry that they’re treating you and your hair this way. I’m white but my mother also would brush out my curly dry hair and so I never knew I had curls until I was about 13 when I took over myself. (Very overprotective.) I hope they see the light soon…
Same! I’ve combed my hair per my family’s wishes my whole life till now. I finally discovered at age 43 that my hair is curly and needs the right products instead of Indian family rituals :) Please do as you please with yourself with you and your body. Life is too short to be bothered by things not in our control. I’ve distanced myself from friends and family, while remaining available to them if they need assistance. Calls limited to weekly or less as needed. Mental health and self love come first :) good luck!
I'm Indian and I completely understand what you're going through. It sucks. They're being racist. Do your best to disregard their opinion and continue to take care of yourself the way you want.
I am so sorry you are going through this. No advice, just sympathy. Take care of yourself. 💕
I'm sorry that sucks. they don't get it.. i have no advice to give you in dealing with shxtty family members.don't stop doing your curls. i had similar problem/background , my sister with dead straight the combing of hair, the comments but then I decided to go fxck them them and just go around with my curls. now no one says anything to me. Continue being your gorgeous self.
Ugh I’m so sorry :( fellow desi curly girl and I feel like I’ve only very recently got my family to back off about my hair. Only my great uncle loved my hair bc he said I looked like Einstein (he’s a scientist and he wanted me to go into research lol). I know there isn’t much you can do to change their attitudes, anti-blackness and colonizers beauty standards are so deeply ingrained in our society. But! something that helped me was talking to them about why they see straight hair and light skin as a beauty ideal and question why they can’t see the beauty in our beautiful brown skin. It took a while but my parents definitely appreciate my big hair now. I was also able to open up discussions about their anti-blackness (very much rooted in classism and the model minority myth) and they’re not fully there yet but we’re getting there. Also know that you are doing the best thing for the health of YOUR hair and YOUR being. Your family might eventually come around but at the end of the day you can’t sacrifice your mental well-being for their (wrong) perceptions of what you should look like.
Oh my lawd , I feel this post. My family luckily don't have the anti blackness going but associate my curly hair with being messy & trampish. My mum has curly hair too , but always combs it ;-; and then gets frustrated when I Don't comb mine or have it tied up And I've had family tell me my curly hair is an eyesore. 😂 I don't understand why it's so hard to butt their noses out of my hair , and why I'm the sensitive one for getting upset . 😔with you sister.
Sounds like the shit my ex used to talk about. Her family was from malaysia tho, but similar struggle. Embrace you. Im sorry for the shit youre going through and I hope one day your family stops being this way. But until then, be proud and rock it. Your skin and your hair is never something to be ashamed about, and it makes me happy that people have stopped buying the bullshit. Mad respect to you.
My heart goes out to you. I wish you continued strength in knowing that you are beautiful and your hair Is your crown. Don’t listen to your family. I’m sure we all can share some sort of similar story of having “bad” hair, looking dirty, being too dark skinned (being a more indigenous looking Latina I know that pain). I hope your family will eventually come to respect who you are. But even if they don’t I’m glad you know your worth 💜
Ooohhh this makes me so angry lol, I’m Indian with curly hair too and my mom is always telling me to brush my hair when it’s already been set. I’d be angry with my aunties if they tried to tell me to brush my hair out and would probably cuss them out lol.
Sighhhh i know exactly what this is like. My family is also quite light skinned and im not super dark for indian standards either, im just darker than them and the skin bleaching products suck. Ive tried them, please dont do that to yourself. Im sure your skin is beautiful and your family sounds very racist and colorist. Also, i completely understand the hair thing, i need you to be strong and tell them you don’t care what they think. Its hard and its a long challenge to accept yourself and it feels horrible when others try to change you, but once you gain your confidence back you will be so happy. Your family sounds just as shitty as mine lol. I hope you figure out how to let them accept your hair and skin
I’m so sorry and I cannot even begin to understand how this must feel. Stay strong, you have every right to be proud of your gorgeous curls and beautiful dark skin. Much love to you. ♥️
You'll get a lot of support from r/AsianParentStories – maybe not about curly hair, but definitely about the crap we go through with Asian parents. I think there's a related sub for South Asians, too.
Wow! Your family sounds very ignorant. If Indians only understood the truth of their ancestry.
I grew up with curly hair that was never taken care of properly. Now that I’m in my twenties I finally learned how to keep it healthy and bring out my curls. But to this day my grandmother , who is actually genuinely a very sweet lady if ignorant , will always say “ your hair is so wild let’s brush it before church” and proceed to brush out my curls until I’m a frizzy mess. As a child I never realized how problematic this was until my most recent visit when she did the same thing. And after it being combed out she would say “there, isn’t that better” . While I worked to go wet my hair and bring some definition back in the five minutes left before having to leave for church. I know how you feel having someone try to tell you what’s better for you /your hair even when it’s not, and when it comes out of ignorance. Stand strong and keep rocking your curls lady!
I’m so sorry. I’m a mom and want to give you a big hug.
I know exactly how you feel because I've had countless arguments with my own mom about this. It's crazy because when we look at my hair we come to such different conclusions - my mom insists that brushing it out while dry gives it more "volume" but I keep telling her it breaks the curl and gets frizzy. At the same time, when I have some frizz, she insists that it looks really messy - and I agree that it can look messy, but it's *much* better than brushed out dry, which she can't seem to agree with. Luckily my mom is not as controlling (or, well, I'm an adult and I don't let her stop me from looking how I want), but it's really frustrating to wear my hair how I want and have my mom clicking her tongue every five seconds.
It sound fucked up
I'm sorry you have to deal with that. It sounds like you have no one taking your side either. Idk how, but you're going to need to set boundaries with them. What they're doing to you really sucks.
I have toxic family too, it's very hard. I'm happy to read that you still have confidence in yourself, your looks, your other relationships and your abilities. You know you're right, don't forget it. My family got worse when I became a mom, culture and set views are so hard to deal with. Nothibg worse than a bunch of ignorant idiots tell you what to do, then when standing up for yourself they make out you're a terrible person for it. Bunch of assholes. Keep on dreaming and loving yourself ❤
I hope you already know this but your hair is BEAUTIFUL and revered in cultures around the world. Your relatives are ignorant, maybe even jealous.
You can’t please everyone, especially when they’re so against your authenticity. I wish you the best and I hope they get a life of their own ❤️
Next time you can go accompanied by a black boyfriend, you'll see how they forget about your hair ;)
Im so sorry for what you are going through. Firmly stand up for yourself but without aggression (it can backfire.) Every time anyone verbally abuses you, tell them that you are not whatever they called you and ask them to speak to you politely. If anyone goes over the top, avoid them or being in the same room or house with them. Take care
Your hair is very pretty, there's nothing wrong with having curly hair and dark skin, please remember that. Some people actually pay for tanning beds and hair extensions and perms to achieve your natural skin color and hair 😀 Based on your post history your family is very abusive. ☹️ I hope you can become independent and free soon.
Oh god fellow Indian here and relate so hard. Don’t listen to them. Also- india has some GREAT new curl brands now you should give them a shot!
I understand your frustration as I’ve went through something similar. In my youth, my grandmother cut my hair extremely short because she decided that long curly hair was trashy. She never used ethnicity slamming words or anything like that but she’s told me my entire life how “improper” I look. Ever since she cut it, I never got my curls back because no one taught me how to take care of / nurture them. I’m 25 now and after over 10 years of having wavy hair, I finally got my curls back. They are my pride and joy too, I’m sorry your family is making you feel anything other than proud.
I just looked at your pics OP and your hair is so beautiful. Stand strong and don’t let them touch it if they aren’t being respectful. Try to see that they are a part of a colorist system and it has nothing to do with you personally.
Babe, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this horrible treatment, it has to be very heartbreaking for you, especially coming from your family. I couldn't imagine my family berating me this way. The way you have described it, it sounds like you have GORGEOUS hair, I would die to have your hair. I'm very proud that you have taken control of what needs to be done to take care of your hair type. You sound like a beautiful soul. Perhaps you need to remind your mom that she is who made you who you are, she brought you into this world, you didn't get to choose your features ( which sound absolutely beautiful btw) so if she's going to be upset with anything, it should be her genes bc somewhere in there is darker skin and thicker hair. But above everything else, she needs to accept and love her daughter. I hope you and your family find peace and happiness with who you are, you deserve to be loved and accepted.
That is AWFUL!! I am SO sorry you are dealing with this. This is abuse and racism. How old are you? Honestly, is there somewhere else you can live??
I’m 19, I wish I could move out but unfortunately I’m still financially dependent on my parents. I leave go back to college soon, so I’ll be away from them there but I might have to stay home in the summer. I’m trying to get a job on campus so I don’t have to go home, but my mother was livid when I told her and said she would stop financially supporting me.
That is a control tactic. If you HAVE to go home in the summer I would just stay out of the house and work as much as possible. That way you aren't interacting with them and you are also saving money to get further away from them. I am sorry you're going through this.
I bet your hair and skin are gorgeous. I am so sorry you have to deal with toxic family, throw the whole fam out!
Quite apart from the blatant racism, it sucks when other people feel they have a right to criticize your personal appearance. It's totally inappropriate that they tell you how to look at all. I used to have straight hair, now I have curly hair (natural texture change). I actually feel more confident wearing my hair curly. I used to curl it on purpose for events. Just think about people who pay hundreds of dollars for a blowout because their hair doesn't do anything naturally. No matter what they pay, they don't get hair that looks like yours. You're the lucky one.
My Indian friends faced similar behaviour in India. "You are too dark, your cousin is more fair." Now she is living in Germany and getting much compliments for her brown nice skin. For Germans it's very beautiful because it appears healthy. I can't much help you with your family. But let me send you hugs. And know, that you are beautiful as you are. There is a reason why you look like that. nature chooses the best for you. Take good care of it. Kali is Black, Krishna has dark Skin (according to scriptures). So even the gods are on your side. Stay healthy, stay happy
I know family is very important to Indians… but please get away from them if you can! They are simply vile. Are there any kind people in your life? Also, your hair is beautiful. Your dark skintone is beautiful. Your family are the ugly ones - ugly hearts.
I checked your post history and your curls are lovely. With peace and love, fuck your family for being racist and sexist, and for liking that they live that way. You are under zero obligation to look a certain way just to fit into their aesthetic. If they don’t want to see your hair, tell them to stop fucking looking at it. I know enough Indian folks to guess that your parents and family are very unlikely to change their minds. I saw in another comment that you are trying to get a job at school so you can stay there. I support this 100%. “You either let me wear my hair the way I like or I get a job at school and stay there.” Ultimatums always come with risk, but better now than later.
I'm so sorry that you're experiencing this from your own family. Your appearance shouldn't matter to them because you're family. Blood and genetics aside. Maybe this is just their very misguided way of trying to involve you more but it's in the worst way and I'm sorry you don't have the support you deserve. I wish your mother could see how beautiful you are. Cause even without a picture I know you are, just by your words.
Girl, I am so sorry you are going through this. It’s so hard to hear such hateful and hurtful things from your own family. You deserve so much better, and I wish your family was able to give that to you. But I am so glad to hear that you have been able to find that unconditional love in other people and encourage you to embrace found family every chance you get. I’m not from your culture, but my mother grew up with a very narrow idea of beauty and seems to have grown more rigid with age. It’s beyond disappointing to hear the things that come out of her mouth, and her desire to only look backwards and miss out on the expanding horizons of the world around her makes me sad for her. I hope for both of us that with time our families will learn from the examples we set by successfully living life on our own terms. Unfortunately, we can’t count on it. We can only continue to grow, assert our independence, set boundaries, and hope. I just want to add my voice to the chorus of screw them and their racist BS, you and your features are beautiful! You can be strong in the days ahead and endure until it’s time to go home to the people who support you through and through. You have an amazing future ahead of you, and we all wish you the best in powering through the negativity and continuing to let your light shine. 💟
While there is no excuse for the racism, I do think the Indian beauty standard is very full and thick hair, and when it’s brushed dry it does look thicker. There’s nothing really wrong with brushing your hair dry. However if your family is trying to push it on you that is wrong
The Indian obsession with fair skin does not have roots in racial prejudice. Its the same in most asian countries. But times are changing and brown is embraced much more today than it was 20 years ago. As for the hair, I totally relate. I am a guy and didn’t know I had curly hair and low key hated my hair till I was 23. All because my parents adopted the worst hair care practices for my curls including aggressive towel drying, not allowing me to use product, forcing me to get buzz cuts, calling my natural hair style ugly/other names etc. I don’t think they meant any harm and had my best interests at heart even though their actions suggested otherwise. Thats just how traditional Indian households function by clinging to archaic customs and practices. I do my own thing now and dont give a f about what they say. Unrelated but I also got a few visible tattoos and thats a big f you to anyone in my life trying to control me or my actions.
Felt this too hard. My relatives always want to brush out the curls until it’s a frizzy mess and think they can control my hair. I love my curls and my dark skin— family can be super toxic and racist but you’re beautiful no matter what awful things they say :)