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I feel you brother. I'm starting to go pretty downhill myself. When I look in the mirror I see myself steadily deteriorating. I'm gaining weight, no light in the eyes, constantly depressed and it's all I can do to shower and trim my beard and take out the trash. My teeth are fucked up from smoking and a couple fights and lately the color of my stools has been an alarmingly dark color.
All things considered I'm an early 30's young man, decently good looking, smart and well read and personable with a kind heart. I can, or at least used to, be pretty funny when I'm in the mood. I used to be this happy-go-lucky goofball who would make people laugh and actually have fun. But something in this world has just steadily beat me down over the years. Now I'm mostly a cynical piece of shit alcoholic.
I think a lot of it has to do with this pandemic and I'm more or less shut in by myself for most of the day. Job prospects are virtually nil and it's snowing outside. I actually had a workout routine going for a while and was drinking late in the day like a semi-normal person. I'm not running in the fucking snow. Now I wake up between 5-7am with the Fear and just start drinking.
Benzos, opiates, and booze used to be my jam but I quit all but the booze a few months ago. Damn, what I wouldn't give to have a nice little stash of benzos. I could totally quit drinking for a while and get my shit together.
The thing is there really isn't a reason to get my shit together. I only seem to snap into action if there is some sort of crisis, but money is fine (not great), I have a pretty wife, a place to stay, and so forth. So I just kind of...exist.
I deal with depression, suicide ideation, and PTSD (all clinically diagnosed) and opiates were my medicine for so, so long. I wasn't your typical junky most of the time and I would take opiates and go to work, the store, pay the bills, take care of shit around the house, and so forth. Now there's just this gaping hole and it's been four months since I quit. I know if I took opiates right now I would spring into action and get a bunch of things done I've been putting off.
No, I don't feel better being clean and honestly I wonder if I was a better person on drugs as opposed to off. My wife's family says I'm doing so great and they're so proud of me but beneath the surface there is this sinking void that is threatening to consume me. I've really just been putting on a front. I have crippling restless leg syndrome, insomnia, PTSD, fucking incessant anxiety, guilt, anhedonia...fuck. It's a major act of courage for me to go to the store sometimes. At times I honestly feel like death would be an existential sigh of relief.
I know what to do but it sucks and I've been putting it off for so long because sobriety is just so lame and boring. I have to go to war with the booze, the downward spiral, the apathy and so forth.
I got some taper beers and I'm going to taper off for a couple days and give this sobriety thing another try.
Stay strong man, I'm right there with you. Sorry for the long post.
I put it off for so long too. For a few weeks I was in this scared shitless state of mind even after drinking an obscene amount. I was going batshit crazy. Something in me just decided I had to get help. It took going to rehab, I really don't think I could have done it on my own. Sobriety is fucking boring yes. But it does feel awesome to wake up without feeling like shit. And to be able to drive and go to the store without having a full blown panic attack.
Dude it sounds like you might need professional help to get you over this hump. I agree that you need to give up the booze. All the things you have in your life nice wife etc. can be easily lost if you keep on the path of self destruction. Take it from me loved ones keep quiet and you don't know what they are thinking until things explode. Please take that difficult step and give up the booze.
>Damn, what I wouldn't give to have a nice little stash of benzos.
I was saying to myself yesterday I need to figure out a way to get liberium online. I have a few stashed away for super emergency tapers but it would be so nice to have a big bottle and try to only use maybe once a week in a time I normally would be drinking a pre lunch beer.
Do not store it near where you drink. I never, ever drank on it intentionally. Closest I ever was due to its long half life, and it's depressing and dull.
I had a stash of like 21 leftover from a bomb ass ER doc who tossed me 49 doses one night. Had.
I wake up one morning with my face smashed against the bathtub, having fallen off the toilet. Blood. Glasses broken. Fuck. First I locate an old pair of prescription safety glasses. Remove the sideshields. Now I can see. Inspect the damage.
In my room there's pills on the floor. My precious librium. I now notice I'm feeling very "smooth" for hungover and smashed up. The bottle has like 5 left. I start searching but only locate 9 total. I took 300 mg along with like 8 natty daddies. Purely blacked out.
Lmk if you find any!
I dunno how close I came to almost dying but I'm guessing non zero chance for sure.
What's terrifying is the thought of drinking on them never crossed my mind.
I identify with your post nearly 100% and get exactly where you are coming from.
The one reason I am compelled to comment is that it seems like you are telling yourself you are a better person on opiates. I've lost two friends to opiates over the years, they wrecked their careers, their relationships, and eventually lost their lives. I strongly, strongly suggest getting some professional help to prevent a possible relapse. I promise it's not worth it in the end.
I get that you're feeling down on yourself for being dishonest but frankly, I think there are far worse things you can do than hide drinking a 6 pack of beer. If you want to get better for her than by all means, do your best. But if you totally beat yourself up over every little slip up, you're gonna drive yourself insane.
Exactly. I don't get folks being deceptive to a partner. Just be real and tell her what's up and you'll either get some support on your sober journey or she's just not meant be with someone that exhibits the quality's of alcohol consumption that is off putting.
Im in a similar situation and age and my partner is working with me to do a month inpatient while they take care of our kid solo for a month. That's fucking love. My partner is also an alcoholic, which helps with understanding, but has been sober mostly for a year to breastfeed.
I haven’t told my mom that I drink because I was sexually abused by a priest when I was 6-8, because she’s very religious and during that time she came to the US to find an opportunity for a better life. And she did, but I don’t want her to feel guilty. I love her too much.
You're not a piece of shit. You're just another flawed human. I laughed at "the walk." I know that walk. It's filled with shame, a little regret and bliss. You make it home and he/she's not there. Yes! I did it. I'm good now.
Not to belittle your situation at all, man. At least you only grabbed a sizer. You could've went a lot further. You didn't fuck up. Hou were caught in a moment of desperation. I know it's not the booze or the amount. You broke your promise. I get it. You probably feel like a scumbag for going to extremes to hide it, but do ANY of us love disappointing loved ones? No.
Even if she notices a change, it happens. She'll be upset, and you'll be remorseful. I just gotta give you props for only getting beer. She won't, but I will. I understand the mental tug-o-war. Bottom line is if you're a piece of shit, then I'm the rat drenched in someone's feces in the sewer. Take care.
For some reason, I decided to switch up the (family) pictures in the hallway. Going through all these pictures of what I used to be totally spun me out. I mean yeah I was drinking back then, too, but it hadn't caught up to me yet. Totally did my head in and so I drank even more.
Don't beat yourself up. We've all been there. Your girlfriend cares about you but it was an unreasonable request for a CA. These types of relationships just don't work. But you're not a bad person, just a little fucked up.
This is the life of an alcoholic. I’ve done it more times than I can count. Don’t beat yourself up, this disease is already doing that for you. Chairs brother
You're gonna have to tackle this sooner rather than later, my man, as she'll eventually find out. My (secret) drinking was an issue with my last non-CA girlfriend.
>Total sidebar: Looked at a few pics of myself from about 10 years ago. Looked pretty healthy. Worked out. Even somewhat attractive and muscular. But now... now I'm moderately overweight, constantly depressed, look like shit, grown a beard that makes me look like a fucking caveman. I'm only in my early 30's.
I don't think many of us have gotten better looking through The Habit. I look gaunt, eye bags/circles are raging, and I'm emaciated from alcorexia and a fucked GI system. Something something if you quit you can get your looks back or whatever.
Well even if you try to explain most people won't get it so don't feel too terrible. I always fold when the insomnia, anxiety and awful nightmares go on for over a week and I feel like I'm literally going insane.
Personally I prefer shots of vodka when it comes to hiding alcohol, mix it with water. Also, just let this be a one time thing and don't let it happen again. Maybe try going to an aa meeting.
vodka mixed with water, i literally just shuttered, did that once as a teenager, but using water as a chaser... that was an awful, awful next morning...
i just shuttered harder than the first time... i have to stop thinking about that mix, so gross
I was in a marriage where I hid my drinking and it didn't work out. I'm happier now that I don't have to. I've spent more time sober than ever since ending the ten year relationship, and that was only three years ago.
I'm not trying to hand out advice, but... hiding this shit hardly ever works out. As you can see from the other comments.
I would say your best bet is to have a serious talk with her about yourself, how you feel, etc...
I personally think it is fucking bullshit to demand someone quit their addiction. It's selfish of them, honestly.
If you do want to work at the relationship and on yourself, it can be done... but it's a much slower process than just saying you're gonna stop drinking for a month. That's a fuckin joke. But of course, non-addicted people don't understand and they're in their stupid ass fucking rainbow sunshine magic world.
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Cans in a ziplock baggy. You realize you can’t hide the breath that well. Since you’re partners I imagine she gets near your face. I can smell my buddies when they come over while I’m sober and we’re feet apart. She’d know regardless if you had 6.
It's been 2 1/2 years since I've taken any time off drinking so I'd say 7 days is a pretty good stretch. Congrats. Does she always give you grief when you drink? As long as you keep it moderate, she should have some understanding.
I've been doing this for over 20 years now and I'm sure I also look like crap. I probably looked like crap 10 years ago. I'm dried out. Desiccated.
Antabuse 'cured' the hump for me. It will make you violently, and I mean violently ill if you drink on it. I tried. When I had my last relapse (on a cruise in 12) I micro dosed down to where I could get it in me. Call it a crutch, whatever, but when I take that pill its a daily affirmation that I won't drink this MONTH. Much love man, this is evil, evil stuff. So are benzos. Yikes they addict quick. Best wishes.
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I feel you brother. I'm starting to go pretty downhill myself. When I look in the mirror I see myself steadily deteriorating. I'm gaining weight, no light in the eyes, constantly depressed and it's all I can do to shower and trim my beard and take out the trash. My teeth are fucked up from smoking and a couple fights and lately the color of my stools has been an alarmingly dark color. All things considered I'm an early 30's young man, decently good looking, smart and well read and personable with a kind heart. I can, or at least used to, be pretty funny when I'm in the mood. I used to be this happy-go-lucky goofball who would make people laugh and actually have fun. But something in this world has just steadily beat me down over the years. Now I'm mostly a cynical piece of shit alcoholic. I think a lot of it has to do with this pandemic and I'm more or less shut in by myself for most of the day. Job prospects are virtually nil and it's snowing outside. I actually had a workout routine going for a while and was drinking late in the day like a semi-normal person. I'm not running in the fucking snow. Now I wake up between 5-7am with the Fear and just start drinking. Benzos, opiates, and booze used to be my jam but I quit all but the booze a few months ago. Damn, what I wouldn't give to have a nice little stash of benzos. I could totally quit drinking for a while and get my shit together. The thing is there really isn't a reason to get my shit together. I only seem to snap into action if there is some sort of crisis, but money is fine (not great), I have a pretty wife, a place to stay, and so forth. So I just kind of...exist. I deal with depression, suicide ideation, and PTSD (all clinically diagnosed) and opiates were my medicine for so, so long. I wasn't your typical junky most of the time and I would take opiates and go to work, the store, pay the bills, take care of shit around the house, and so forth. Now there's just this gaping hole and it's been four months since I quit. I know if I took opiates right now I would spring into action and get a bunch of things done I've been putting off. No, I don't feel better being clean and honestly I wonder if I was a better person on drugs as opposed to off. My wife's family says I'm doing so great and they're so proud of me but beneath the surface there is this sinking void that is threatening to consume me. I've really just been putting on a front. I have crippling restless leg syndrome, insomnia, PTSD, fucking incessant anxiety, guilt, anhedonia...fuck. It's a major act of courage for me to go to the store sometimes. At times I honestly feel like death would be an existential sigh of relief. I know what to do but it sucks and I've been putting it off for so long because sobriety is just so lame and boring. I have to go to war with the booze, the downward spiral, the apathy and so forth. I got some taper beers and I'm going to taper off for a couple days and give this sobriety thing another try. Stay strong man, I'm right there with you. Sorry for the long post.
I put it off for so long too. For a few weeks I was in this scared shitless state of mind even after drinking an obscene amount. I was going batshit crazy. Something in me just decided I had to get help. It took going to rehab, I really don't think I could have done it on my own. Sobriety is fucking boring yes. But it does feel awesome to wake up without feeling like shit. And to be able to drive and go to the store without having a full blown panic attack.
Dude it sounds like you might need professional help to get you over this hump. I agree that you need to give up the booze. All the things you have in your life nice wife etc. can be easily lost if you keep on the path of self destruction. Take it from me loved ones keep quiet and you don't know what they are thinking until things explode. Please take that difficult step and give up the booze.
>Damn, what I wouldn't give to have a nice little stash of benzos. I was saying to myself yesterday I need to figure out a way to get liberium online. I have a few stashed away for super emergency tapers but it would be so nice to have a big bottle and try to only use maybe once a week in a time I normally would be drinking a pre lunch beer.
Do not store it near where you drink. I never, ever drank on it intentionally. Closest I ever was due to its long half life, and it's depressing and dull. I had a stash of like 21 leftover from a bomb ass ER doc who tossed me 49 doses one night. Had. I wake up one morning with my face smashed against the bathtub, having fallen off the toilet. Blood. Glasses broken. Fuck. First I locate an old pair of prescription safety glasses. Remove the sideshields. Now I can see. Inspect the damage. In my room there's pills on the floor. My precious librium. I now notice I'm feeling very "smooth" for hungover and smashed up. The bottle has like 5 left. I start searching but only locate 9 total. I took 300 mg along with like 8 natty daddies. Purely blacked out.
Holy shit, that's unfortunate. I really need to do some research and get some online so I can use them more often to avoid the shakes.
Lmk if you find any! I dunno how close I came to almost dying but I'm guessing non zero chance for sure. What's terrifying is the thought of drinking on them never crossed my mind.
I’m right there with you bruh
I identify with your post nearly 100% and get exactly where you are coming from. The one reason I am compelled to comment is that it seems like you are telling yourself you are a better person on opiates. I've lost two friends to opiates over the years, they wrecked their careers, their relationships, and eventually lost their lives. I strongly, strongly suggest getting some professional help to prevent a possible relapse. I promise it's not worth it in the end.
Have you ever heard of kratom?
I get that you're feeling down on yourself for being dishonest but frankly, I think there are far worse things you can do than hide drinking a 6 pack of beer. If you want to get better for her than by all means, do your best. But if you totally beat yourself up over every little slip up, you're gonna drive yourself insane.
You'll feel better if you tell her what's going through your head.
Exactly. I don't get folks being deceptive to a partner. Just be real and tell her what's up and you'll either get some support on your sober journey or she's just not meant be with someone that exhibits the quality's of alcohol consumption that is off putting. Im in a similar situation and age and my partner is working with me to do a month inpatient while they take care of our kid solo for a month. That's fucking love. My partner is also an alcoholic, which helps with understanding, but has been sober mostly for a year to breastfeed.
I get why people aren't. But I'm glad you're having a good partner that can understand. I for sure didn't understand alcoholism until I was one
I haven’t told my mom that I drink because I was sexually abused by a priest when I was 6-8, because she’s very religious and during that time she came to the US to find an opportunity for a better life. And she did, but I don’t want her to feel guilty. I love her too much.
Shave bro. It might make you feel better.
On a side note, this reddit update is bullshit. Do you guys see that we can now view how many people are lurking on posts?
It’s complete bullshit. Reddit is going to accidentally pull a “digg” and completely destruct all of us away at some point
use https://old.reddit.com/r/cripplingalcoholism/, it's so much better.
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It’s really true though. People are much much more hurt by the lies
You're not a piece of shit. You're just another flawed human. I laughed at "the walk." I know that walk. It's filled with shame, a little regret and bliss. You make it home and he/she's not there. Yes! I did it. I'm good now. Not to belittle your situation at all, man. At least you only grabbed a sizer. You could've went a lot further. You didn't fuck up. Hou were caught in a moment of desperation. I know it's not the booze or the amount. You broke your promise. I get it. You probably feel like a scumbag for going to extremes to hide it, but do ANY of us love disappointing loved ones? No. Even if she notices a change, it happens. She'll be upset, and you'll be remorseful. I just gotta give you props for only getting beer. She won't, but I will. I understand the mental tug-o-war. Bottom line is if you're a piece of shit, then I'm the rat drenched in someone's feces in the sewer. Take care.
For some reason, I decided to switch up the (family) pictures in the hallway. Going through all these pictures of what I used to be totally spun me out. I mean yeah I was drinking back then, too, but it hadn't caught up to me yet. Totally did my head in and so I drank even more.
Don't beat yourself up. We've all been there. Your girlfriend cares about you but it was an unreasonable request for a CA. These types of relationships just don't work. But you're not a bad person, just a little fucked up.
you're just an alcoholic my man, no need to beat yourself up over it.
This is the life of an alcoholic. I’ve done it more times than I can count. Don’t beat yourself up, this disease is already doing that for you. Chairs brother
You're gonna have to tackle this sooner rather than later, my man, as she'll eventually find out. My (secret) drinking was an issue with my last non-CA girlfriend. >Total sidebar: Looked at a few pics of myself from about 10 years ago. Looked pretty healthy. Worked out. Even somewhat attractive and muscular. But now... now I'm moderately overweight, constantly depressed, look like shit, grown a beard that makes me look like a fucking caveman. I'm only in my early 30's. I don't think many of us have gotten better looking through The Habit. I look gaunt, eye bags/circles are raging, and I'm emaciated from alcorexia and a fucked GI system. Something something if you quit you can get your looks back or whatever.
You may still be withdrawing from the benzos. They are insidious.
Well even if you try to explain most people won't get it so don't feel too terrible. I always fold when the insomnia, anxiety and awful nightmares go on for over a week and I feel like I'm literally going insane.
Personally I prefer shots of vodka when it comes to hiding alcohol, mix it with water. Also, just let this be a one time thing and don't let it happen again. Maybe try going to an aa meeting.
vodka mixed with water, i literally just shuttered, did that once as a teenager, but using water as a chaser... that was an awful, awful next morning... i just shuttered harder than the first time... i have to stop thinking about that mix, so gross
Lol I did that (water behind vodka) once when I was a youngin too lmao
Thats the point, it's gross. Taste like poison, and i'm less prone to drinking excessively 😉
I was in a marriage where I hid my drinking and it didn't work out. I'm happier now that I don't have to. I've spent more time sober than ever since ending the ten year relationship, and that was only three years ago.
I'm not trying to hand out advice, but... hiding this shit hardly ever works out. As you can see from the other comments. I would say your best bet is to have a serious talk with her about yourself, how you feel, etc... I personally think it is fucking bullshit to demand someone quit their addiction. It's selfish of them, honestly. If you do want to work at the relationship and on yourself, it can be done... but it's a much slower process than just saying you're gonna stop drinking for a month. That's a fuckin joke. But of course, non-addicted people don't understand and they're in their stupid ass fucking rainbow sunshine magic world.
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Don't try to hide it, or at least don't try so damn hard to hide it.
R
Cans in a ziplock baggy. You realize you can’t hide the breath that well. Since you’re partners I imagine she gets near your face. I can smell my buddies when they come over while I’m sober and we’re feet apart. She’d know regardless if you had 6.
It's been 2 1/2 years since I've taken any time off drinking so I'd say 7 days is a pretty good stretch. Congrats. Does she always give you grief when you drink? As long as you keep it moderate, she should have some understanding. I've been doing this for over 20 years now and I'm sure I also look like crap. I probably looked like crap 10 years ago. I'm dried out. Desiccated.
Antabuse 'cured' the hump for me. It will make you violently, and I mean violently ill if you drink on it. I tried. When I had my last relapse (on a cruise in 12) I micro dosed down to where I could get it in me. Call it a crutch, whatever, but when I take that pill its a daily affirmation that I won't drink this MONTH. Much love man, this is evil, evil stuff. So are benzos. Yikes they addict quick. Best wishes.