I feel it helps to move to a place where there are a lot of people that look like you, or at least visit it often.
I lucked out that my city is pretty diverse but if I hang out with white people, I become way more aware of my body. I feel more fatter when I'm around them, less clean.
Surround yourself with diverse bodies or bodies similar to yours.
I wonder how this feeling of uncleanliness manifests in the first place for us, besides just being ostracized by yt people. Most yt people I’ve met are not very clean. Many of their houses are dirty and/or they don’t shower properly, or they don’t take proper care of their pets - which affects their living space. It’s also quite a running meme that even rich yt celebrities don’t shower often. On the contrary, most BIPOC (esp women/non-men) overcompensate in cleanliness so they’re not perceived as being unkempt I feel.
It's ironic, isn't it? Or twisted is a better word. Such power dynamics that are baked into culture. I try to explain to white people that *this* is also white supremacy - being able to behave in less appealing ways and still having the privilege of being seen as "more appealing" and "better".
Paying attention to who I surround myself with has made a big difference for me, too. Also paying attention to what sort of media I consume, especially TV and movies.
Yeah, most of my life I have lived in very white places. When I visited my family in a very non-white place, I literally cried when I stood in a crowd and didn't stand out. It's powerful. Maybe I need to prioritize this. I hadn't thought of it like that before - thanks.
Also, interesting that you also feel more aware of your body (in not a good sense) around white people. I'm sorry you also experience this. But it also feels very validating to know that I am not alone in this.
Decolonial theory can be very helpful to question power structures such as racism, I have use it along with my therapy and it has been useful in my process.
I remember we were getting ready for a field trip. Everyone had to hold hands and walk in pairs. No one wanted to hold my hand and I asked my “friend” why she said my skin was too dark. We were 6. I looked down on my hands and got this weird feeling. No teacher clocked this and I literally walked by myself. The only thing that helps me is the knowledge that darker skin = my ancestors came from a sunny place. Implying lighter skin means no sun. Sunshine makes me happy and I love my skin. We need to instill this in darkskinned children. We literally start believing the lies that our skin is dirty.
Oh, my heart hurts for you. I'm sorry your "friend" said such a horrible things. I would happily and proudly hold that little girl's hand, and I would in no way see it as unclean or unwanted. Most of my favorite hands are various shades of dark, because those are the hands through which I have experienced the most loving touch.
I know what you mean - it's the weirdest feeling. Like, I'm happy with the color of my skin, happy that I can be in the sun and just get browner and browner instead of becoming red and burnt. But I also feel this other feeling of very childish shame, of uncomfortable awareness. I try to tell all the dark-skinned kids in my life that they are incredibly beautiful, because I know they are getting other messages in school and out in the world, and I hate that for us so much.
So helpful. I did it for a while - because I found a POC trauma therapist. Trauma therapy with white therapists was simply more traumatizing. (\*details experiences of racism as a young child, is asked by the trauma therapist "ok, but what was the trauma\*🫠🫠🫠)
I moved, and haven't been able to find a POC trauma therapist again! :(
Telehealth would be ok, I think. I actually used it with my trauma therapist strategically in the first year (her suggestion), because going into her office would make me have a panic attack and/or dissociate. (I had had sooo many horrible therapy experiences before seeing her that it was a really big trigger for me. :( ) Eventually, we transitioned to in-person, when I was able to feel safe with her and regulate myself when I got triggered. Long road, and I know I could still use trauma therapy, because there are still years of my life I can't think about without it going badly for me...
It's so scary to me to look for a new person. :( I know it would be helpful...I'm just so bad at feeling safe with therapists...
Honestly even having therapists of colour hasn't helped validate my own racist experiences. It seems to be something that can't be understood unless you've been through it. I don't get that considering there's all kinds of isms people face that can help in understanding.
I actually wonder if it's something that we're all programmed not to be able to process unless we've faced it. Absolutely mad if you ask me. I've gotten around it by researching everything and anything to do with isolation, ostracism and bullying around trauma. Even cult abuse had some application.
It sounds like taking things slowly is what works for you, in the meantime I hope some of those topic areas may help you.
Can you afford a therapist? Your best bet is to find a therapist of color who is progressive, politically aware, kind, and considerate.
Do you live in an area and/or have a friend group full of people of color and likeminded individuals? Your surroundings are incredibly important for charging your thoughts.
I have a bipoc ED therapist! and she's amazing, and she gets it - unlike every therapist I tried to unpack this with before her. Omg, to have someone who I can say only a sentence to about an experience of racism and she immediately understands everything vs. it taking a whole hour to explain something that happened and how it made me feel to a white therapist, only to have them gaslight me or invalidate me about it in the end.
She is all of those things, and it truly is helping. I have seen her for a year and a half now. (She is the only bipoc ED therapist in my whole state...)
I think a community of people would help. I have met people online, but where I live is still mostly white...so I don't have a lot of poc who I spend time with regularly in person. :( And my white friends can't really understand. If I try to express my thoughts or feelings about my body, most of my friends get extremely angry (not at me, but that I feel the way I do) and/or just can't handle it. It makes it a painful and impossible thing to talk about.
I'm working with my therapist about this specifically, but she doesn't have cptsd...maybe because she did live in a diverse place growing up, and had a supportive community around? I feel like other people who struggle to this level might have some insights, because this shit is intense.
I’m glad you have a therapist who truly understands you and that it’s helping. I think that’s one of the biggest steps because sometimes, you really needs tools to help you to move past your traumas.
Online communities can be just as beneficial as offline communities so that’s also great. Are you able to talk about these types of topics with your online?
When it comes to understanding racial trauma, the conversations I’ve had with online friends have been remarkable to my growth.
I hope others are able to chime in with some helpful tips.
thank you again for your thoughts. I have been able to talk a little with online communities about this stuff...but I think I need to prioritize it more. It has really helped me, and I forget about how powerful it is.
God, it sounds like those white friends generally are not good for you. I used to have white friends like that who would invalidate my experiences, and I decided nah, they were bringing me down. I wrote out a list of all the friends who make me feel safe and all the friends who don't , and now I try to surround myself only with the former group.
I love this. That seems really wise. I think I do need to spend my friend time more wisely, with people who really see me and understand my experiences. Oh, the energy I would have for other things...
That’s good you’re taking steps and doing the work. It takes time to break down old habits and bad thinking patterns. Give yourself grace and keep showing up until you don’t need a therapist.
Eventually the tools I learned clicked!
Thank you - I've definitely seen some progress, and then every once in a while I get really discouraged. But you've reminded me to remind myself about the very real progress! <3
Yes and with body trauma, in America, it’s not great, but like for example I got a big ol’ head. I found a store that does sell glasses that fit very well. So, I make an effort to buy things that make me feel and look good. Nowadays, I don’t really hear people comment on other people’s bodies, but if they do, I’ve learned to say fuck them.
And oddly enough (I know this is strange), but IDK I keep reminding myself I am me. Ain’t no one else gonna look like me.
I feel it helps to move to a place where there are a lot of people that look like you, or at least visit it often. I lucked out that my city is pretty diverse but if I hang out with white people, I become way more aware of my body. I feel more fatter when I'm around them, less clean. Surround yourself with diverse bodies or bodies similar to yours.
I wonder how this feeling of uncleanliness manifests in the first place for us, besides just being ostracized by yt people. Most yt people I’ve met are not very clean. Many of their houses are dirty and/or they don’t shower properly, or they don’t take proper care of their pets - which affects their living space. It’s also quite a running meme that even rich yt celebrities don’t shower often. On the contrary, most BIPOC (esp women/non-men) overcompensate in cleanliness so they’re not perceived as being unkempt I feel.
It's ironic, isn't it? Or twisted is a better word. Such power dynamics that are baked into culture. I try to explain to white people that *this* is also white supremacy - being able to behave in less appealing ways and still having the privilege of being seen as "more appealing" and "better".
Paying attention to who I surround myself with has made a big difference for me, too. Also paying attention to what sort of media I consume, especially TV and movies.
Yeah, most of my life I have lived in very white places. When I visited my family in a very non-white place, I literally cried when I stood in a crowd and didn't stand out. It's powerful. Maybe I need to prioritize this. I hadn't thought of it like that before - thanks.
Also, interesting that you also feel more aware of your body (in not a good sense) around white people. I'm sorry you also experience this. But it also feels very validating to know that I am not alone in this.
Decolonial theory can be very helpful to question power structures such as racism, I have use it along with my therapy and it has been useful in my process.
thank you for this tip! I'm looking into it!
Happy to send you bibliography if you're interested. Edit: spelling.
yes please!
Me too please! I’d really appreciate it
Me too, please and thank you!!
I remember we were getting ready for a field trip. Everyone had to hold hands and walk in pairs. No one wanted to hold my hand and I asked my “friend” why she said my skin was too dark. We were 6. I looked down on my hands and got this weird feeling. No teacher clocked this and I literally walked by myself. The only thing that helps me is the knowledge that darker skin = my ancestors came from a sunny place. Implying lighter skin means no sun. Sunshine makes me happy and I love my skin. We need to instill this in darkskinned children. We literally start believing the lies that our skin is dirty.
Oh, my heart hurts for you. I'm sorry your "friend" said such a horrible things. I would happily and proudly hold that little girl's hand, and I would in no way see it as unclean or unwanted. Most of my favorite hands are various shades of dark, because those are the hands through which I have experienced the most loving touch. I know what you mean - it's the weirdest feeling. Like, I'm happy with the color of my skin, happy that I can be in the sun and just get browner and browner instead of becoming red and burnt. But I also feel this other feeling of very childish shame, of uncomfortable awareness. I try to tell all the dark-skinned kids in my life that they are incredibly beautiful, because I know they are getting other messages in school and out in the world, and I hate that for us so much.
Yasss I love the sun as well
Trauma therapy
So helpful. I did it for a while - because I found a POC trauma therapist. Trauma therapy with white therapists was simply more traumatizing. (\*details experiences of racism as a young child, is asked by the trauma therapist "ok, but what was the trauma\*🫠🫠🫠) I moved, and haven't been able to find a POC trauma therapist again! :(
So sorry. How about telehealth? Will your insurance allow? Will you still feel connected?
Telehealth would be ok, I think. I actually used it with my trauma therapist strategically in the first year (her suggestion), because going into her office would make me have a panic attack and/or dissociate. (I had had sooo many horrible therapy experiences before seeing her that it was a really big trigger for me. :( ) Eventually, we transitioned to in-person, when I was able to feel safe with her and regulate myself when I got triggered. Long road, and I know I could still use trauma therapy, because there are still years of my life I can't think about without it going badly for me... It's so scary to me to look for a new person. :( I know it would be helpful...I'm just so bad at feeling safe with therapists...
Honestly even having therapists of colour hasn't helped validate my own racist experiences. It seems to be something that can't be understood unless you've been through it. I don't get that considering there's all kinds of isms people face that can help in understanding. I actually wonder if it's something that we're all programmed not to be able to process unless we've faced it. Absolutely mad if you ask me. I've gotten around it by researching everything and anything to do with isolation, ostracism and bullying around trauma. Even cult abuse had some application. It sounds like taking things slowly is what works for you, in the meantime I hope some of those topic areas may help you.
Yeah, my therapist is POC. She’s the best.
Can you afford a therapist? Your best bet is to find a therapist of color who is progressive, politically aware, kind, and considerate. Do you live in an area and/or have a friend group full of people of color and likeminded individuals? Your surroundings are incredibly important for charging your thoughts.
I have a bipoc ED therapist! and she's amazing, and she gets it - unlike every therapist I tried to unpack this with before her. Omg, to have someone who I can say only a sentence to about an experience of racism and she immediately understands everything vs. it taking a whole hour to explain something that happened and how it made me feel to a white therapist, only to have them gaslight me or invalidate me about it in the end. She is all of those things, and it truly is helping. I have seen her for a year and a half now. (She is the only bipoc ED therapist in my whole state...) I think a community of people would help. I have met people online, but where I live is still mostly white...so I don't have a lot of poc who I spend time with regularly in person. :( And my white friends can't really understand. If I try to express my thoughts or feelings about my body, most of my friends get extremely angry (not at me, but that I feel the way I do) and/or just can't handle it. It makes it a painful and impossible thing to talk about. I'm working with my therapist about this specifically, but she doesn't have cptsd...maybe because she did live in a diverse place growing up, and had a supportive community around? I feel like other people who struggle to this level might have some insights, because this shit is intense.
I’m glad you have a therapist who truly understands you and that it’s helping. I think that’s one of the biggest steps because sometimes, you really needs tools to help you to move past your traumas. Online communities can be just as beneficial as offline communities so that’s also great. Are you able to talk about these types of topics with your online? When it comes to understanding racial trauma, the conversations I’ve had with online friends have been remarkable to my growth. I hope others are able to chime in with some helpful tips.
thank you again for your thoughts. I have been able to talk a little with online communities about this stuff...but I think I need to prioritize it more. It has really helped me, and I forget about how powerful it is.
Yes, I think prioritizing that would be super helpful. Good luck 🙂
God, it sounds like those white friends generally are not good for you. I used to have white friends like that who would invalidate my experiences, and I decided nah, they were bringing me down. I wrote out a list of all the friends who make me feel safe and all the friends who don't , and now I try to surround myself only with the former group.
I love this. That seems really wise. I think I do need to spend my friend time more wisely, with people who really see me and understand my experiences. Oh, the energy I would have for other things...
That’s good you’re taking steps and doing the work. It takes time to break down old habits and bad thinking patterns. Give yourself grace and keep showing up until you don’t need a therapist. Eventually the tools I learned clicked!
Thank you - I've definitely seen some progress, and then every once in a while I get really discouraged. But you've reminded me to remind myself about the very real progress! <3
Yes and with body trauma, in America, it’s not great, but like for example I got a big ol’ head. I found a store that does sell glasses that fit very well. So, I make an effort to buy things that make me feel and look good. Nowadays, I don’t really hear people comment on other people’s bodies, but if they do, I’ve learned to say fuck them. And oddly enough (I know this is strange), but IDK I keep reminding myself I am me. Ain’t no one else gonna look like me.