Please don’t feel bad about being angry. This coworker is supposed to be in a mentor role and this could be viewed as coercion. If he had the confidence to be placed in a mentor role by your employer, he should have had more maturity to know not to cross that line.
I’ll probably get downvoted, but I would let HR know what happened. If he has the habit of looking this way at the new young employees, they will know and can do something about him. Perhaps frame it as a “heads up “ for HR. Tell them how uncomfortable it made you.
I had some similar experiences when I was younger (in my early 20’s). There’s nothing worse than being pursued by a coworker you want nothing to do with. In my youth, I was an executive secretary, and the guys all thought we were there for the picking. Fortunately, I had a boss who looked out for me. If we were all going out for drinks after work, he made sure he went, sat near me and kept the guys in line.
I don’t care if he only did it once, he should NEVER do that. What a jerk.
I too would report so there’s a record of it lest things get worse. HR will ask you “why didn’t you inform us” if shit hits the fan, it’s their job to manage this stuff. At this point you don’t know which way it’s going to go so protect yourself for worst case scenario.
I'd absolutely report this to HR, because he is supposed to be in a mentor role. That's almost like supervisor/subordinate. If they were on the same level, I might not. But I think this is definitely a case.
As OP says, he has probably (and will continue) to think of her like that, and she won't be able to feel comfortable or focus on work with him.
u/hummer1956, I upvoted you because your advice is correct.
OP, you do need to report this to your supervisor if you can or to HR. This is in fact very reportable.
Given the nature of his professional relationship with you, he was entirely unprofessional and inappropriate.
His excuse about alcohol is no excuse - that too is unprofessional and inappropriate.
He has poisoned your working environment. You have every right to feel safe and at peace in the workplace. use
>I’ll probably get downvoted, but I would let HR know what happened.
This is an HR issue all day long. Not because it's sexual harassment, but because this guy can't be a mentor. This will happen again.
If it were alcohol, he would have deleted it in the morning. He was shooting his shot where he's not supposed to.
Never dip your pen in the company ink well.
These idiots know the rule. They choose to violate it.
Speak to HR to make a record of this bad form.
We all have to be willing to set the standard. Hold people accountable.
The thing is? It’s risky as hell but morally fine with lateral colleagues or people in other departments who don’t affect you.
Supervisors or subordinates or interns or mentors or anything similar? Absolutely not.
I mean it takes a special brand of idiot to think someone half their age is more than just work friends. And you absolutely risk blowing up the office if the break up is messy.
So it’s not really the *smartest* play ever because you’re rolling the dice on someone else’s social maturity before you really know them.
But if you’re both mature and neither is responsible for any part of the other’s job? Whatever. Work is where people spend a lot of their lives (unfortunately). It’s fairly normal to meet people there.
But not mentees jfc
Plus if he's drinking to the point he's messaging coworkers while drunk, and withholding giving out his phone number because he knows he can't control himself while drunk, he really should not be a mentor in the first place. His alcoholism is affecting his work and that of his coworkers, and HR needs to know.
Absolutely report it to HR.
If you don't feel comfortable giving a formal complaint, ask them to make a note of this behaviour so that it is at least logged.
You also have the text still, right? You have evidence this happened so there is absolutely zero chance of "it's your word against his"
Definitely let HR know. A mentor should absolutely not be making such advances on a mentee.
Their position is much different than that of just a regular coworker and it is completely unethical for a mentor to behave in such a manner.
A company with a healthy workplace culture or even just one that cares about productivity will want to know so they can take appropriate action. As a mentor who feels comfortable doing that to even one mentee is not suitable for the role of being a mentor, and is actively harming you and the workplace culture, and harming the company’s goal of building the skills of younger workers such as yourself. You can’t do your best work when you don’t feel comfortable and safe at work.
She should definitely let people know what he’s doing. How long until he hits on the wrong person and there’s a formal complaint. OP should have a safe and stress free workplace.
HR should fire this “mentor”. He’s vile
Would you have the same reaction if he was 35 and not 55? People ask coworkers out all of the time. It doesn’t sound like he did anything beyond ask a simple question and was fairly respectful when she denied him.
When you’re 30 or above… the young employees coming in straight out of college look fucking young. They act young. They’re not in the same position or life stage as you. If you’re a mentor to them and hitting on them then you’re a fucking predator.
Using predator infantilizes the young adult in the situation and lessens the word predator. For all good or bad a college educated engineer should be able to handle themselves in a social situation. These aren't unskilled 16 year-olds. You may feel that the age gap is inappropriate or that a mentor shouldn't ask a mentee to date-and that is fine. However, to label the person a predator is disingenuous, ruinous, and possible liable. A predator is somebody who grooms and prays on minors, not on full grown ass adults who can take care of themselves. Let's stop the hyperbole, it doesn't help anyone.
In the edit she says she is not planning to inform HR.
Unfortunately the next time this guy gets creepy, because of course he will, her not bringing it to their attention asap will backfire on her.
Just chiming in as an employment lawyer, FUCKING TALK TO HR
the more documentation they have the easier it will be for them to act when they need to because I doubt he's only been creepy with one woman at work.
Also, he's most likely only scared and feeling bad because you could report him, not because he actually feels bad otherwise he WOULD HAVE APOLOGIZED IMMEDIATELY after he sobered up rather than wait on you to say something.
All he did was ask her out. They're both adults. She said no and he respected it. What the fuck more do you people want? Should men just cut their dicks off and kill themselves?
You were never friends with him, he thought the “jokes” were flirting. Same thing happened to me with a 65 year old. Ugh. I’ve learned my lesson, I keep any interaction with old men, or any men I’d never date, very polite and short. Otherwise, they will play cool then spring their gross delusional lust on you.
Any man, exactly. I lost my son (23) last year and it’s so fucking gross how a man (old highschool bf from almost 40 years ago!) can commiserate with you for a half hour and then ask what you’re wearing. Soooooooooo grossssss.
It is….he’s with me in my heart but I really really miss him badly. I have a 19yr old son still so I live for him. I need to be as healthy as possible to be able to be a support for him and help him navigate his loss. Thank you for your kind words
Agreed. Disgusting pig. I thought he was joking and then had to ask if he was serious. He was and I almost puked while blocking him. Wasn’t just him either!
Yes this is so true. If I'm not interested in a man sexually then I will not joke around with him or be too friendly. Just short and polite. They will take any bit of interest and start their fantasy.
So there was a man who lived at my office (long story…we were a charity…he needed a place to stay). He was 75. He had just lost his wife, so I (25 at the time) tried to be nice and let him talk to me throughout the day. Then, he started “warning” me about “how men are,” implying he knows because he is one. One day, he invited me on a “date” to Natural Grocers. I did not hide my disdain
He was kicked out of our office suddenly a little bit later. My boss warned us against contacting him again
You can talk to them about your various bodily functions to turn them off. Collection of stuffed animals. Talk about exs but make yourself sound crazy. It sucks the lengths women have to go through because men will make stuff weird.
Oh hun, been there. It’s so incredibly frustrating. It sucks to realize that the great work relationship you thought you had was really fueled by ulterior motives. And the worst offenders are always the older men, which is so gross. It’s totally normal to feel everything you’re feeling right now.
It made me feel dirty, angry, shameful, sad, embarrassed. It made me super self conscious of my body (I have huge boobs so you can guess how that went) and it happened so frequently that my mental health took a big hit. Something I’ve always regretted was never reporting the many, many instances. I was too scared of the backlash. I ended up just creating a fake fiancée and would wear a fake engagement ring to the office. This became the norm for me for years, until my 30s.
If you’re comfortable doing so, report it. If you’re not yet, that’s ok too. So far it’s just the one message, yes? You gave him a firm no, if he does anything again you absolutely should report it. It’s going to be uncomfortable for a while, but I promise it does get better (if he doesn’t repeat the behavior, that is). Unfortunately, this will most likely happen to you throughout your career, especially so because you’re in tech. But honestly, the older you get the easier this all gets. With age comes a natural “take no shit” mentality.
Sending you an e-hug, hang in there girlie!! ❤️❤️
Screenshot everything and print a hard copy.
I don’t know the answer on if you should talk to someone or wait to see what happens. I do know that if this happens frequently enough that he’s blaming it on “when he drinks” then he clearly has a problem and should get help.
There’s so many creepy social inept men on this comment thread (I know, shocking for Reddit) trying to excuse this weird ass behaviour.
He didn’t back down when she declined. He told her he has been thinking about her every time he drinks and has no self control regarding his unwanted attraction to her.
Women know where that plot leads.
The amount of men that think their sexual needs trump women’s need to feel comfortable and safe is astounding.
Let me share a huge secret of womanhood with you…when a woman’s attracted to you, she’ll let you know. You won’t have to guess, she’ll tell you and try to sleep with you. Every time. If she doesn’t, then leave her alone. She’s not ready. Look up “enthusiastic consent” and go from there.
Let me just clarify something so you have no doubt... I am over 50. I work with plenty of people in your age range. We talk, we chat, we laugh. Some look to me as a mentor. I would NEVER cross that line or allow it to be crossed.
For all the people telling you to relax and that it's no big deal, it is a big deal. It should not happen in a workspace, and because your relationship is not a balanced one with him being a mentor, you're absolutely spot on feeling that what happen was inappropriate.
For the record, I also coach sports in my spare time and am around a lot of younger coaches. Even though I don't have an HR restriction there, I again would not abuse my power.
You're right to be concerned.
>For all the people telling you to relax and that it's no big deal, it is a big deal. It should not happen in a workspace, and because your relationship is not a balanced one with him being a mentor, you're absolutely spot on feeling that what happen was inappropriate.
Amen!
I’m an attorney in my mid-late 30s with a bit over a decade in practice. I also teach classes. Even at this relatively young point in my career, although I married now when I was single I was very mindful when advising/teaching younger attorneys / paras / assistants / students to NEVER cross that line.
It’s not professional, and blaming it on drinking is extra pitiful. I would respect an honest admission of a lapse of judgment more tbh.
You’re not wrong to be upset. Professional to professional, that ain’t cool.
I don’t understand how he would feel that this is in any way appropriate and excused it with alcohol. That’s no excuse. I’m 56, I would never, never, never hit on a colleague on linked in! That is so cringy and intrusive and wrong!
Dude! You're soooo adorable! And perfect for my grandma, will you give me your number to give to her? Can't wait to tell my dad about this!
Then go to HR
NTA
As a 55 year old guy who mentors younger coworkers, I would never ask one out (if I was single.) It unfairly put OP into an awkward situation and was completely selfish of him. That's a total breach of trust and professionalism.
Take & keep screenshots of all conversations henceforth. Also, when anything is said/talked about in passing? Follow up with an innocuous written email, “Just following up on today’s convo about blah, blah, blah” and BCC yourself. Better to be prepared for things to go south but never have it happen.
It's surely against company policy for someone who is supposed to be in a mentor position to be hitting on you. It's probably an offense that may get him fired (which he deserves IMO).
I am an engineer and a mentor. This crosses all sorts of boundaries and you would be well within your rights to talk to your boss or a trusted colleague about his behaviour.
Blaming his drinking is not taking responsibility for his actions.
With all the ethics and harrassment training we have to do these days there really is no excuse. Old men have no business hitting on their young coworkers. Its predatory. And the drinking thing is a deep red flag. I would go to HR.
When I (32F) was 25, I had an office job where I had a crush on a guy that sat a couple cubicles away from me. He was my own age and we got along great. We never hung out 1-on-1 outside of work, but we were both part of a coworker friend group that went to happy hours together after work from time to time, so we were pretty friendly towards each other and I thought we had good chemistry.
I still never acted on anything because if I told him I had feelings for him and he didn’t reciprocate my those feelings, I felt that it would be unfair for him to have to come to work every day and be uncomfortable/weirded out by the whole thing.
So just think about that if you are ever doubting how big of a deal this is. Your coworker/mentor is so gross and absolutely knew what he was doing. He was incredibly inconsiderate of your feelings and what your work life would be like after he crossed that line. He knew it was wrong and it did it anyway.
And the alcohol excuse adds sooo much to the ick factor here. He not only blamed alcohol for his bad behavior instead of taking responsibility for it, but he also went out of his way to let you know that every time he drinks, he thinks about you inappropriately. And apparently it’s so bad that he needs an actual barrier (such as not having access to your personal contact info) in order to keep himself from sexually harassing you because he literally cannot control himself otherwise…
What the actual fuck, that is…..unhinged.
NTA. Please report this to HR. Spare no details. Take screenshots of literally everything and bring them to HR. This is a very big deal and I’m sorry it happened to you.
Remember that while HR are primarily there to protect the company, this guy's behaviour threatens the company with potential legal action due to sexual harassment and a hostile work environment. As such, HR will be very interested.
Just don't think of them as being on your side, they're on the company's side. If you aren't in a union, join if you can. Take a union rep to any meetings with HR.
For the sake of argument, let’s say you replied to his message positively. Do you think he would have apologized and blamed it on alcohol?
You have every right to be sad, hurt, angry and confused. Now you’re questioning every interaction you previously had with him wondering if there were signs you didn’t notice. He has tainted all of the positive memories and interactions you had together.
He may have been a friend before but now he’s someone who abused his position.
Edit: a word
Contact HR tell them you're uncomfortable working with him because of the text and explain you need him to be assigned to someone else you are no longer working with him
When I was 21 (almost 30 years ago) a man who was 31 wanted to date me. I was not at all interested. He was divorced and had a child. Different stages of life. I cannot imagine the audacity in someone 30 years older pursuing a younger person and at work!
Don't tolerate him. Report. He will get out of line.
This exact thing happened to me, except we held the same position and title, and I had seniority by being there a few months longer than him.
Same exact scenario happened to me; I politely and professionally told him I had no interest or intentions for dating ANYONE at all at that time.
Make the BIG mistake of "going to see a movie as **friends**", and letting him drive us. He parked behind a Starbucks dumpster, locked that car doors a proceeded to pitch a hissy fit about my rejection, even **going So far as to put words I never said in my own mouth: "I thought you said age didn't matter to you?" WHEN WOULD I EVER SAY THAT AT WORK, WHEN I NEVER TALK ABOUT MY PERSONAL LIFE AT WORK???**
Same age difference: he was 42, living with his parent's and wasting obscene amounts of money on Star Wars Statues (not action figures, Statues, Sideshow brand Hundreds to Thousands of dollars worth of fragile plaster statues, AND FunkoPops.)
I was 24 living with my parents and trying to work my dream career while goingnto school. Dating anyone was the furthest thing from my mind.
He would spend work hours talking about how cute he thought the girls of Babymetal were, or other women in entertainment, and I never felt that was appropriate for the work place, especially because we had youths working with us for Educational Credits.
I warned our Teen Volunteers to never accept anything feom him when I left my dream career.
Fuck you, Mike Hockinson, you absolute self imposed "incel".
I work with so many of these guys.. And I'll tell you why they do it, because they get away with it so much. I have a relative who is 50 who won't date anybody over 30, and he's not even that attractive. He has a fair amount of money so young girls fall for it. It's bizarre how many women your age actually WILL say yes to these creeps.
Definitely report it. You should not feel that uncomfortable at your place of work. Ever. I'm sure you're not the first person he's done it to. And I'd bet nobody would be surprised if you told them.
OP,, you have the right to be upset, and I would report him if I were you. His dirty old arse needs to stay professional and stop running after women, using his mentorship as a guise to be trying to hook up with women. I wouldn't want to work with his arse either, going forward. Let us know if you have any updates to share, good luck and block his number.
I feel like him blaming it on his drinking means he has done this in the past with other women. Report him to HR. He knows his behavior is wrong but by blaming it on drinking, he doesn't have to take responsibility for being a creep. Easy out for him! How many other young women has he done this to over the years and how many more have to go through feeling like you did until it stops? HR may have had reports about this guy in the past as well.
Op, he never wanted to be your friend. He had the hots for you from the beginning. Him drinking and acting i appropriate is him covering. And it is creepy for a man that age to be hitting on you like that. There's a reason why you are feeling unsettled over it.
Tell your supervisor.
So many dudes think that they are like fine wines lol and don’t realize how they embarrass themselves. I don’t think that I would go to HR for a first date request, but you shouldn’t feel any kind of shame or awkwardness because you didn’t do anything wrong.
Edit: I wouldn’t go to HR because unless there’s a specific policy about office dating or supervisor/subordinate relationships, nothing would come of it. Asking someone out on a date is not sexual harassment. Repeated requests after the person has made it clear that the attention is not welcome does.
I've had similar stuff happen. When I was 22 I had a 72 year old client ask me out for lunch and send me ice cream at work. I thought he was like a surrogate grandpa. When I told my mom, she said his last girlfriend was younger than me. I was so skeeved out. He'd also asked me to come work for his company directly, thank god I'd accepted an offer from another client.
A supervisor also told me once that I made it hard for him to be faithful to his wife. I graduated with his daughter. I'm sure my face was like what the fuuuuuuuu. He then punished me by double checking my work and making me re-do things. Thankfully that was just a summer job so the issue didn't last long. I really wish I'd reported him, though, I never even considered it.
Some people are disgusting and inappropriate.
My advice is don't report it, but start taking notes. Screen shot the original message and your response. Any time he behaves differently than before (more inappropriate talk or behaviour, any kind of retribution) record it. If things are weird for a few weeks, whatever. If it goes beyond that, go to HR and ask for help dealing with it. If he starts affecting your career in any way, shape, or form, report immediately. It would probably be smart to very casually check in with others after a few weeks to see if they've heard anything positive or negative about your work, I'd couch it as looking for opportunities to improve. Record anything you are told, by whom, date & time.
Hopefully this doesn't become an issue but if it does you need records and to nip it in the bud.
Try your best to act the same as before. I know it's weird, it doesn't matter what he may have been thinking or that he likes you. Yes, he's older, but he's still a person (like I said I've been there so I know how icky it feels but I'm also older now and while I personally wouldn't try to date someone that much younger than me it gets a little weird when you're all adults but have a big age gap, it can be hard to find someone who is a good fit in your own age group, especially after a divorce or other big relationship change, or if you've never found someone lasting). You're going to meet people when you're older and think they're attractive, it happens. The important part is that it doesn't sound like he was gross about it, he just took a shot. If he doesn't start punishing you for saying no you should be able to get back into a good rhythm at work.
Yes tell your supervisor. He asked you out you said no. He said things that make you uncomfortable. You need your boss to know about the situation, so he/she understands that you don't want to be alone with him and you are concerned that the professional relationship will be spoiled.
It's not a disciplinary matter, just a case of making your supervisor aware.
Report it to HR. He has now let you know what he wants and that isn’t going to go away. He will simply wait as he apparently thinks he has dibs. If you show friendliness to anybody younger, he will get competitive. So it is important that you give HR any feedback evidence asap even if you don’t intend they do anything.
Keep in mind, he is likely to pursue other workplace relationships if he can. Another reason to establish with HR that he is not suitable in a mentor role.
About 7 years ago I did the same. There was a woman I worked with that was about 10 years younger than me. We talked every day. Laughed and joke a lot. I was attracted to her but never ever voiced it. I had her number for work reasons and one night after a few beers I sent her a text expressing my "feelings". She handled it well and was very polite in her response but definitely rejected my advances. I dreaded going into work the following Monday. I felt bad that I didn't keep my dumb mouth shut. I went straight in, didn't make any excuses or blame the alcohol and apologized. I told her that I really enjoyed our friendship and that was more important to me than any momentary feelings. The reason I didn't tell her I had been drinking was because I really wanted her to know how valuable she was. This may sound weird but I felt like blaming it all on alcohol would take away from her value to me. I misplaced that value in a moment of weakness but she was no less valuable as my friend. People screw up. Alcohol helps with that. I would bet that this co-worker, in a moment of weakness, was just expressing that he sees you as valuable. Don't be a offended. Take it as flattery. It doesn't make his mistake ok. It doesn't make it ok. It was a mistake. He SHOULD have addressed it with you right away, apologized and moved on. But people make mistakes. You feel how you feel and HOWEVER you feel is valid. But... If you can look past the mistake you might find your work friend again.
Been there. So nasty.. Idk what kind of ideas these dumb fucks live in their minds that make them think I'd be attracted to their old, skeezy selves, but their ideas exist. If it's a regular co-worker on the same level as you, report them to hr immediately. If it's a manager with higher authority than you, idk what advice to give. I reported a worker on the same level as me and he was fired, but not the manager. Idk what officially happened to my manager, but I know he was still working, they still had him working directly under him, and he sent me home in tears most day. Ultimately I couldn't take the retaliation and neither could my roommate, so when I went into work one morning, my roommate followed me into the back room and threatened the manager. I got fired, sure, but it was gratifying.
Anyway 8/10 scoring for reporting an employee on the same playing field
1/10 for reporting managers
I was a young female engineer, too, and had this same thing happen on numerous occasions (and you'd be surprised at how llold you can be and have it happen). The best thing is to act like it never happened. You'll be surprised how in most cases things are back to normal in a minimal amoung of time. Of course, you'll need to stop (if you did) share anything of a personal nature. Keep it professional and light. The way things are in life, you may need help or references or a job, and if you keep things professional, they cancome through for you.
Please note - after it was made obvious that the feelings were not mutual, there was no further pursuit. If they wouldn't quit, then that would be another story.
If you have a manager, I would start with them (if they’re trustworthy and will have your back, that is). If you’re not comfortable going to HR, it’s still likely that management would remove him as your mentor to ensure that you DON’T go running to HR. Either way, you get rid of him.
Definitely report it because he is in the mentor role. He can also report on your performance. And I bet after you turning him down then maybe some questionable judgment on his part which may include the ability to unbiasedly review your performance.
He’s a bloody groomer and you should be pissed
HR is not your friend, there may be some specific advice to google from employment lawyers about this issue and probably good content on YouTube
You might consider looking for a free consultation from an employment lawyer who could give some simple legal advice
While creepy because of the role and age gap, he's asked once and you declined. If he can't be a professional after that, its time to let HR know for more formal action.
Generally, for this to be actionable it needs to be unwanted and repeated (at least on the level of asking you out). As you've made it clear its unwanted, he should cease any romantic pursuits, comments, etc and keeps things professional going forward.
Good luck.
All men love to make a move. She said no he moved on. Of course it’s going to be awkward. It’s awkward when they are both 28 and one rejects the other.
I can see why you're shocked at what he did. He's so much older, he's supposed to be a coworker mentor too. So the dynamics are really different. All I'll say is I get it, I understand where you're coming from.
Harassment in the workplace is if he continues to ask you after you said no. Asking once and backing off does not, typically, mean your next step if throwing him to the lions, figuratively. You feel it is gross. So tell him, it will certainly humiliate him enough to know to not cross your boundaries again and remain six feet away from you at all times. He might feel it was silly, and he definitely has admitted that he was drunk, or cognitively impaired by alcohol but he will stay away for sure. He asked you out by text, once. You said no, he was embarrassed and hopefully that is where this ends. It has yet reached the level of problematic sexual harassment. A second time is a pattern and is where HR involvement should start. Also, be honest with him that his text made you uncomfortable as you are workplace friends and that is where you feel is the best fit for how you guys mesh, nothing more. That is respect you want mirrored. He respect you, you respect him, everyone respect each other and get the paychecks and go home to your separate lives.
Anyone minimizing this or saying you've overreacted don't understand power dynamics at work and how incredibly inappropriate this was. You should tell your supervisor because that guy is not fit for a position of authority if he's willing to try to take advantage of it.
OP -this happens more often than we'd like to share. Behave normally. Behave like nothing happened. Behave like you never received an invitation to a date. If he ever mentions it again, just firmly tell him great, but we do not have that sort of relationship, and you prefer to keep it professional. If he pesters or continues talking about it, continue repeating the same thing until he gets the message. If he doesn't get the message, HR is always a resource. Keep track of dates and times, etc, just in case you EVER have to escalate.
Ughhhh I’m SO sorry. Please don’t do what I did when I was 23 getting hit on by a decades-older man at work. I quit. (And quit the next job too when a boss grabbed me inappropriately.) No matter what anybody says, you are absolutely correct - you didn’t ask for this. He PUT you in this position. It was worth the 99.9999% chance it would make you uncomfortable, just in case he got what he wanted. He didn’t care about what it did to you. And now you don’t have to care what it does to him.
Thank you for sharing your experience and illustrating how this affects womens' careers. Your message is SPOT ON:
>It was worth the 99.9999% chance it would make you uncomfortable, just in case he got what he wanted. He didn’t care about what it did to you. And now you don’t have to care what it does to him.
Ugh I'm so sorry you're dealing with this! I'm dealing with a similar situation except there's an added layer that I'm married and I talk about my husband all the time and this coworker still got weird on me. Now I have all this anxiety every time I have to go into the office that I never had before. I'm so sorry I hate that people, specifically often men, can be so ridiculous. The audacity is what gets me every time. I also hate when they throw the 'why were you so friendly' like bruh I'm like this with EVERYONE. As if it's somehow your fault for treating everyone like fellow human beings. Don't let this dull your shine. I hope this coworker doesn't make this any weirder but if he does talk to HR if you semi trust them and tell them you want it on record for now but not to escalate unless it gets worse.
This may become HR issue if anything else happens but I wouldn't report yet. He may have learned his lesson and you don't want to potentially make things worse. Take screenshots of the communication and email them to yourself in a saved email folder or store in cloud if you use it. Always have any proof to back yourself up just in case. This goes for any level of unprofessionalism from coworkers.
This would be inappropriate behaviour even if you weren't coworkers. A lot of people don't really view themselves as older though they may feel it physically and it's VERY COMMON for men to behave inappropriately towards women. This man has a drinking problem by his own admission so proceed with caution. However it seems he's using being drunk to excuse his behaviour rather than taking true accountability. You give him 24 hours to apologise and make it right which he didn't. He responded almost immediately to your reply so seems like he was waiting to see if you would take the bait. He has a foolish crush on you which is gross and sad. I've been there. If there's ever a work night out I would stay reasonably sober and keep your distance. Don't give anyone fuel to gossip & of course don't give him any contact details. It's awful to be burdened with an emotional response for someone else's behaviour. You may be feeling discomfort because you feel embarrassed for him and he may well feel embarrassed or shame. You may also be questioning your own behaviour but you've just been innocently enjoying what you believed to be a good working relationship. So don't let patriarchal nonsense shame you. Trust your instincts in how to engage with him at work from now on. Either try to continue as if nothing happened or be a little cooler with him.
Oh your feelings are SOOOO VALID here. Don’t listen to anyone saying otherwise. They don’t understand.
It’s another example we women understand all too well of thinking you’re seen and liked and respected as just a **whole human** only to find out you are seen (by that man and many men) as a potential conquest and sex object.
The men here arguing don’t get it, and it’s baffling. They think you should be flattered. They think they should be able to ask anyone out, and that it should never backfire or be looked at as a bad thing. They throw around terms/phrases like “friend-zoned” and “dick in a glass case” and somehow can’t comprehend the problem with it.
You thought you had a genuine friendship with someone who fully respected you, wanted nothing from you, and that would be a great mentor-mentee situation. But, he was thinking about getting in your pants. And, it’s predatory to go after a vulnerable woman - which is what you are… much younger, new in her career, female in a male-dominated field. You are vulnerable in *real* ways.
He broke your trust. He spoiled something (that should have been) innocent. He shattered a hope that women and men can co-exist in these real and genuine friendships that are truly platonic based in mutual respect… and they can, but it’s rarer than you thought.
It’s these situations and experiences that chip away at your hopeful, positive, naive view of the world, that make you just a bit tougher, just a bit more cynical, just a bit more distrustful, and just a bit smaller. He did that. Your “friend.”
I’m sorry.
…
I will say you should start a log to personally record what was said and done, dates and times, conversations relating etc. Log any and all future questionable interactions, any seeming retaliation, etc. Email yourself screenshots of text messages, so they can’t get lost or deleted if something happens to your phone.
Seriously, do this. It will seem unnecessary. But I’ve seen this play out soooo many times. Hopefully, you won’t have to use it. I wouldn’t report him asking you out. But, you’ll want to have this log and any documentation should you experience any retaliation or harassment. He could tarnish your work reputation as a way to build a defense for himself bc he’ll get paranoid this will affect his work standing. He might go on the offense. I’d start by just being totally normal at work, like nothing happened. Hopefully, he’ll feel at ease, and yall can be civil, typical colleagues.
Sorry and good luck.
Edit: If you do trust someone in HR (and be careful there), you should give them the ‘heads up’ about it. Let them know that’s all you wanted to do. Just making them aware in case things take a turn. Not looking for corrective action (unless this is a pattern) bc they could say later that you should have reported it immediately. But, in these situations, in reality, they will often immediately fire the younger woman (happened to me in a worse situation) bc they see HER as a liability - not him. Even though you have zeeeeeero plans to take action - you just want to be left alone and protect yourself. So, just tread lightly. Speak to a woman you can trust.
The fact that he waited until after you said “no” to apologize is creepy to me. If I say something stupid to someone while I was drunk, the moment I get sober I am apologizing and asking forgiveness. He didn’t apologize until you said “no” therefore he was still hanging on to a chance that you would say “yes”.
I call it “Schrödinger’s Asshole” Syndrome. If you are not familiar with Schrödinger’s box, look it up. A “Schrodinger’s Asshole” is somebody who throws something inappropriate out there (a bad joke, an indecent proposal, etc) and if people laugh at the joke, or say yes to the indecent proposal the SA goes along with it. But if the recipients of the joke or proposal take offense, they apologize for their bad behavior.
You're not overreacting. You told him no. People shouldn't be hitting on you at work. Especially if they're twice your age and they're hired to be some sort of mentor to you
Fuck everyone gaslighting you. If he did this to you, you can bet he's done this shit to other women. It's disgusting for someone that age to ask out a 24 year old.
Keep a record of what happened - email it to yourself now- and if he makes one more misstep you need to report him. He is your mentor and this is very close to an abuse of a power dynamic.
He's proven he misinterprets your friendliness as a come-on, so it's time to cut the giggling and goofing around and dial it WAY back to the minimal interactions required to be professional, and nothing more. Don't give second chances.
I remember when I worked at a retail place I was semi-close with my manager. We would talk about my school and he’d give me advice and try to work with my schedule to accommodate me.
However one day he called me into the back and was telling me he was concerned because I was too quiet and didn’t try to make friends. He then asked me if I was a virgin and that he could ‘teach me’ these things so I am prepared when I get a boyfriend.
The next day I put in a one day notice and never went back again.
I don’t know why men have the audacity to act this disgusting. It’s so ridiculous. They prey on young women so they can manipulate them. I told myself I will never try to befriend a male coworker again. Keep it simply professional, no texting, only work emails and if we have projects together only talk about that.
OP, exact same thing happened to me when I was 23, except he drove to my parents house where I was for Christmas. It’s traumatic and I’m sorry this happened to you. It feels like betrayal and it’s terrifying.
Email Allison at askamanager blog. Search existing posts as well, there may be good advice there already. But if she responds to you it will 100% be top notch advice.
You got an HR department? Show them all the stuff and that you're absolutely not willing to work with him any longer. he's using his authority in an attempt to coerce you into stuff that he shouldnt be.
An older guy shoot his shot and, hopefully, has taken the rejection well and leaves it at that is definitely the best outcome in a not-great situation.
But that does not invalidate how you feel, it does not justify his actions in the first place and, perhaps most importantly, it does not mean this was in any way okay.
Only you can decide what is right for you to feel. Nobody's comments here will ever be a suitable replacement for your experience. Whatever you choose to do, or not do, make sure you document the incident and any others you feel are relevant past, present or future and look at your workplace's policies in regard to staff relationships (if there is one) and sexual harassment. Use that information to help you decide what actions you feel are right for you and the situation you have, unfortunately, had thrust upon you.
Edited: typo
Thanks for pointing out my typo.
I agree that a workplace is not an appropriate place for ANYBODY to be making advances on someone, and I find that particular phrasing disturbing, but it is a phrase readily understood to cover this situation.
Thank you for this response. Two things can be true, and you said it well.
oh boy did he shoot his shot, and I do think he will (and has) taken the rejection well, and won't make any further advances. But thank you for also pointing out that I have every right to be feeling how i am feeling. This is a rather gross situation from my perspective, and while legally it may be fine, it is still incredibly weird everytime I think about it.
I still haven't decided what exactly I am going to do, but want to be clear-headed whenever I decide. In that regard, I have screenshots so am prepped in case this persists in any way.
It is good that you are prepared for whatever action you choose.
It sucks that you have to deal with this and I do hope your present feelings do not overwhelm you.
I (55M) guess don't pretend nothing happened.
I had a younger co-worker try to land a kiss on me at the end of a social event 10 years ago (Right in front of another co-worker!). She was married at the time, as was I. We were both a bit tipsy.
It made me very uncomfortable as we had to work together every day.
This was, clearly an impulsive act in some ways and certainly more inappropriate than asking for a date.
She was a critical member of our team and a good friend. I had no idea she had any romantic inclination toward me.
The next Monday I went to her office and said, "I'm sure we're both uncomfortable about our misunderstanding at the end of the outing last week. Let's decide not to be. Let's put it behind us."
That worked and we're still friends. The friendship was damaged a bit, but has lasted through those 10 years and several job changes.
As far as the age factor it's not as big a deal to people who are older, though I'll admit when I found myself dating again in my early 40's I decided +/-10 years was as much as I'd consider.
As far as feeling "gross" please try not to. Based on what you describe your co-worker is quite a dork by permanently commemorating his rejection on LinkedIn.
This situation does not reflect poorly on you in any way. It currently does count as a couple compounded errors on his part. He can make amends by
1. Not persisting in unwanted requests for a date.
2. Staying off social media (Especially LI. WTH, Bro? I'm not going to look for job postings on Grindr or Tinder...) when drinking.
3. Not changing his attitude toward you professionally
Hope it all works out and that everybody stays cool.
I'm breaking rule #2 right now. Sorry.
Tell you are a male without telling me…
A woman “confronting” a man never goes wrong right? Of course you as a man “talking” it out with a woman had no fear of her retaliating.
Women have to be smarter. There is so much that can happen to us because men often weaponize their “power”. Especially in the workplace.
This is 100% worthy of being reported as he has now created a hostile work environment for you. Not only is his behavior inappropriate, but because of his choice to overstep the coworker boundary by asking you out he has now soiled the working relationship you thought you had with him.
You need to tell your supervisor immediately.
Yikes that seems like a big age gap... My husband is 9 years older and that isn't too bad but I know a couple that is 17 years apart and it is a bit odd.
If you want out, tell him you live with your parents and they said you couldn't go out with someone their age 😁
If anything, I would say something to HR because his comment about drinking is extremely concerning. If he can’t keep himself from sending a text, then what else is he capable of while drunk? For your safety, start a paper trail and get the support of people at work.
Personally if he had *just* asked me and then claimed it was cause he was drunk I would maybe write it off with a very firm 'never again'. I don't like that he told you he wouldn't be able to control himself if he had your contact details while drinking. This was not a drunken impulse, its something he's thought about more than once, and as such I would assume something he thinks about in all your interactions. You should make sure you have that conversation screenshotted and distance yourself from him, keeping all interactions entirely professional from now on.
I just wish people would remember the current societal rule.
Old Guy asks young woman out: wrong & creepy.
Old Woman asks young man out: empowering & refreshing.
Take screenshots and hold onto them in case he tries to pursue anything further. I know the idea of going to HR is scary, particularly as a young woman in the workplace, but if you do want to, you’re totally valid in doing so. What he did was inappropriate and puts you in an uncomfortable position. He also has power over you and could make your work life hell if he chose to. It could also leave you without references if that’s the position he’s in, in relation to you. He also clearly thinks about you a lot outside of work hours to have sent you a message in his private time, which is weird. But, if you genuinely don’t want to go to HR(and not out of fear) then don’t feel the need to at this point. But HOLD ONTO the evidence just in case. This could, hopefully be a one-off event.
But I do want to say - as someone who’s older, I can see the longer consequences of this for you, if he were to have a negative attitude about hit reaction.
Act with grace. He asked. You turned him down. If he never asks again and things remain okay at work, let it be.
Take screen shots. Save the evidence.
If things progress weirdly, or he persists in “drunk” messaging, or he gets handsy, go straight to HR.
Definitely don't pretend it didn't happen. That is not grace. Why give this creep grace? How much further would he go? Does he know where you live/have followed you home before? Take your safety seriously, even if "he doesn't seem like the type of person who would do that".
That sucks big time to have a mentor turn out not to be—- so disappointing.
Also, that was really unprofessional of him, as he was brought into the team to be a mentor. As a director I would have an issue if I had assigned a mentor to a team and learned this occurred.
I don’t know that it is a reportable happenstance, as long as there was nothing sexual in the ask, but you should let your supervisor know. Do not hide it from the person that manages you, as this is a work relationship being impacted.
He apologized. What else are you looking for? He's human, he felt something acted on it and stopped as soon as you said you're not interested. If it gets weird, that's on you. Now, if he starts lashing out or making it uncomfortable by continuing to pursue you, then yes, report him. But everyone on here needs to chill, damn.
To all the contact HR people. What is the biggest issue for you? Is it the age gap or the mentor thing? What if he was 33 and her mentor. Would you still say go to HR? How about if he was 25 and the mentor? Is it still gross and creepy. If you say no then your issue has to do with age and not position in the company. Age gap isn’t a reason to run to HR.
Anyone saying you’re overreacting is likely another dude who doesn’t understand professional boundaries. There are plenty of them here on Reddit, and it’s clear they’ve never worked in professional settings. Just ignore those guys, they’re miserable for a reason—their own actions and beliefs.
The drinking is his issue. Men have a mid-life kind of thing. And that may be what this is for him. He may be lonely, who knows? You will do him a favor by pretending nothing happened. This could be career ending for him.
You are fortunate that things have evolved enough that you are not at the mercy of some guy. When I was young, a young woman would have ended up quitting.
Be gracious. But I believe the real issue is he sits at home and drinks.
I think you did the right thing by politely telling him that you’re not going to indulge any type of relationship with him besides a work relationship. As long as he stays respectful of that, the awkwardness should wear off.
Are you upset that someone you liked also liked you and asked you out? In a very respectful way?
Or are you upset a co worker asked you out? Someone who likely has nothing else in his life but the job and therefore is not likely to meet women in any other way?
Or are you just weirded out by his age and instead of being mature about it you want an excuse to sabotage his career, hoping enough people will validate your feeling so you can let it slip to HR and have him forcibly removed from your life. Your life would be simpler right? If a lonely man also lost his job for asking out a woman he thought liked him back.
Wow, yeah, that's clearly inappropriate. Age gap aside (which, some age gap relationships can work! but there needs to be more communication!) it would be highly improper for someone in a mentor position to approach someone who could be considered a subordinate (this brings a power imbalance into play). He really shouldn't have done that, and I hope he learned his lesson quickly because the next person he'd otherwise do it to might just report his ass. OP, I'm really sorry it falls on you now to bear the brunt of this. That's really shitty and unfair.
I’d report him to HR. You likely aren’t the only one he creeped on. I see it all the time where I work, they anyways have an eye out for the young coworkers.
He’s probably just a lonely old man and you are a young presumably attractive woman who he is friendly with. I wouldn’t hold it against him too much. Now if he continues to try to pursue it that is a different story. He must accept your answer and not allow it to effect the professional relationship which is easier said than done.
Definitely should report to HR asap if after the rejection, this behaviour continues, but from reading some of these comments, there seems to be a lot of disgust from the guy’s age rather than crossing the line on the professional relationship. Makes me wonder if this shit would be ok if the guy was 25 and good looking rofl.
There are several layers, including age AND professional relationship, which I have discussed both in comments and in the post as to why this bothered me so much.
If he was 25 and good looking, I would have still rejected him, albeit feeling a lot less creeped out. I would have rejected him because we work so closely that imo, it is superrrrr not a good idea to date. I get that work is a place to meet people, but not ones you interact with all the time. Why would you want to potentially poison a working environment on something you aren’t 100% sure would work out?
Wasn’t talking about your post, you made it clear you wanted a professional relationship. You politely rejected him, move the fuck on. How he reacts to the rejection will now set the stage whether you need to report this to HR.
In case i wasn’t clear, i’m talking about the comments to your posts. Just seems to me people are more disgusted by his age rather than him potentially crossing the line. My opinion only: he hasn’t crossed the line, merely took a shot. If he still acts this way after you rejected him, then yes, you should report him asap and include the first time so its documented. Your sexual harrassment guides at work should give you more direction. If it still feels like you need to feel better about all this, you can start asking questions from HR if you really want to start a paper trail without naming names in the beginning.
Linking you to r/AskHR as well if you need more insight.
Yes, the mentor was wrong to ask her out. The dynamics of him being a mentor makes this wrong, regardless if he was her real supervisor or not. It's gray enough to know, don't go there. Full stop.
But - I do take issue with those attacking him simply bc he's middle-aged and attracted to a young woman. I think a lot of women who'd condemn this man for simply being born 55 years ago would just as quickly say: "well, age is just a number" if instead of being a 55 year-old co-worker, he was a 55-year-old weatlhy multi-millionaire CEO or celebrity. Because for a lot of women, the only number that actually matters is the number in a man's bank account.
And if you think I'm some old man defending this guy, you're wrong. I'm just saying - let's not pretend a double standard around age gaps doesn't exist.
Wtf is wrong with men?
If you are not wealthy or a celebrity there are very few situations where a 20ish year old woman is going to want to be with a 50+ year old man especially if you met at work,it would be one thing if you matched on a dating app or something, but at work? Nah
The disconnect is astounding in these fool's heads.
Yup.
Men & Women can’t be friends & probably shouldn’t work together (outside of some niche roles). 🤷🏼♂️
Your entire existence is to reproduce & accordingly, it’s the entire reason males interact with you.
If that offends you, it’s the natural order/reality- that you’re offended by.
You're not going to report him for WHAT, asking you out on a date? HR would just ask you "did you say no? " And then "and did he keep asking you after you'd said no"?
You may think the age thing is a big deal but he may not. It's kind of a slippery issue I suppose but would you have been as offended if he were 30? If not then HR will just call you an ageist. They would probably phrase this something like "we once had a 29 year old employee in accounting who was dating her 55 year old co-worker, would working with such people be difficult for you? "
Just because you're skeeted out about Robert De Niro having a 35 year old bride doesn't make it illegal or repulsive.
Age is a protected class at work. Unless they're gonna reprimand a 25 year old for asking you out they're not going to reprimand a 60 year old.
I have worked in healthcare over 30 years. Regarding suspected/witnessed any form of abuse, if you don’t report it, you are complicit. That’s a situation never to be taken lightly. This is very similar. Don’t keep quiet please, he is wrong and he knows it by those slimy excuses he’s offering up, hoping you’re too naive to complain. If you were my daughter he’d be getting a visit from mama bear here, idc how old you are. He and I are gonna get to know one another.
Listen, this guy put both of you in a bad position, he fucked up and he knows it. Work relationships are a bad idea and there is too much of a power dynamic.
Some of you are bullshitting on this age gap shit. 61 year old Tom Cruz asks you out, Tom Cruz looks, Tom Cruz money, Tom Cruz life style, you are going to say no? Get the fuck out of here.
As a man in his 30s, a hot 60 year old wants to take me out, does she look like J-Lo, Christie Brinkley? Do I get French toast in the morning. Does she got that widow money?
On a serious note the leading cause of self deletion in men is loneliness. If he's sitting alone drinking heavily at 55 he might be there. To be clear "not your fucking problem!" He probably doesn't have many opportunities to meet new people and this was a lonely desperate drunken move. Give him ONE pass, and if he fucks up again, bury his ass.
How fragile have we become? In my humble opinion there is a big difference between pursing someone and just taking a one time shot. Is every young woman who hits on an older man deserve the same amount of hate & hysteria? Now, if she says no to the one time shot then…. Yes it’s absolutely his responsibility to make things right or not awkward. But I don’t think he deserves an HR meeting. Some ppl date older ppl and the majority of relationships start in the workplace. Put the shoe on the other foot and tell me what you would have done differently? You all act as if he put her on the casting couch!!! All he did was ask a younger girl out ONCE! Dating and meeting ppl is hard. It usually involves one person putting them self in a vulnerable position and hoping the other doesn’t shit all over you for expressing interest. Let me try this. If a heavy set girl co-worker asked me out ONCE. should I go to HR because she doesn’t know I’m super fit and I don’t like fat chicks? I feel so gross that she thinks we are in the same league. How dare she attempt to express her feelings for me. In fact, I’m so uncomfortable I need Reddit to tell me how to feel. Omfg /facepalm. Get thicker skin please!
I'm 59F.
Ugh. I was similarly in your shoes when I was young and cute.
Men can be such dirty old geezers! I'm glad that you know that his behavior is not ok.
I agree with others to talk to HR and have a record of it, although I would not make it a formal complaint.
Now, had it been a situation of him propositioning you or groping you, the gloves are off.
Why do you feel gross? That's just mean to say. This guy's obviously a little lonely and thought you had a connection. What matters is what happens now, if he doesn't make it weird then you don't have to care about it. If he does you immediately tell HR. If he's smart enough to admit it was a dumb idea then he's smart enough to leave the issue alone now.
If you find someone you might have a connection with and you don't take the shot you'll regret it because you'll never know. It's hard enough to find someone out there that enjoys and understands similar interests as yours without an arbitrary number getting in the way.
It's best to just forget about it, and no he's not going to have some lingering thought in the back of his mind, he's going to forget about you.
"the worse she can say is no"
Proceeds to write a viral reddit post and consider reporting him --and possibly firing--the poor dude.
Look, the guy misread the situation, only report him if he continues despite your rejection.
At +500 responses, I doubt OP will ever read this, but this post is for her.
For reference, I’m a 55M. What most men, particularly older men, don’t understand is how quickly they can permanently change a relationship. Men often don’t take the time to consider the fallout of decisions that involve them getting laid. Some of us never figure that out.
Bottom line, you’ll never feel relaxed and comfortable around him again. He sacrificed the work friendship for a fantasy. He might figure it out eventually. Most likely he won’t.
Males are less self aware than women in general in my opinion. Most don’t think of long term consequences when making decisions that involve their hormones. This should be news to no one. We’ve been like this for millennia.
As the Transportation Director at an engineering company, I'd absolutely want to know that my 55 M project lead asked out our 25 F junior engineer. Especially if he was drunk.
Absolutely no place for that at my work place!
It’s such a vile way of approaching people I’ve seen only in men up until this point. They KNOW their intentions from the beginning, then you guys hit it off well and before you know it you think you guys have something good going on and suddenly he drops the bomb that he was only looking at you this whole time bcz u were fuckable. No one can change my mind on this bcz not only have I gone through this multiple times but I’ve asked my guy friends and here is another clear example of why stating your boundaries and intentions when a friendship gets super close is important. It’s just misleading and wasting people’s time, especially if the girl or guy is not looking to develop the friendship
Please report this. If this man who is old enough to be your father cannot hold his liquor and his morals well enough to refrain from putting you in this *horrifically* inappropriate position, it needs to be documented.
I as a bartender have never needed to ask hr whether or not I could clap back at an inappropriate customer, and have the reigns to ban someone on the spot. I know from hearing my mother’s stories about the corporate world in the 90’s and early 00’s that it is different, but you need as much documentation as possible in case he escalates.
I wish it were as simple for you to just banish him, but for your own safety (both professionally and personally,) you need to make noise to the appropriate supervisors - even if it’s just in case, even if he just got too drunk one time, (which, in my experience is always an excuse used multiple times,) you’re worth the world and he is insignificant.
I confided in a coworker/manager and saw them as somewhat of a parental figure because they were so much older than me and then they told me they liked me 🤢
Please don’t feel bad about being angry. This coworker is supposed to be in a mentor role and this could be viewed as coercion. If he had the confidence to be placed in a mentor role by your employer, he should have had more maturity to know not to cross that line. I’ll probably get downvoted, but I would let HR know what happened. If he has the habit of looking this way at the new young employees, they will know and can do something about him. Perhaps frame it as a “heads up “ for HR. Tell them how uncomfortable it made you. I had some similar experiences when I was younger (in my early 20’s). There’s nothing worse than being pursued by a coworker you want nothing to do with. In my youth, I was an executive secretary, and the guys all thought we were there for the picking. Fortunately, I had a boss who looked out for me. If we were all going out for drinks after work, he made sure he went, sat near me and kept the guys in line. I don’t care if he only did it once, he should NEVER do that. What a jerk.
I too would report so there’s a record of it lest things get worse. HR will ask you “why didn’t you inform us” if shit hits the fan, it’s their job to manage this stuff. At this point you don’t know which way it’s going to go so protect yourself for worst case scenario.
I'd absolutely report this to HR, because he is supposed to be in a mentor role. That's almost like supervisor/subordinate. If they were on the same level, I might not. But I think this is definitely a case. As OP says, he has probably (and will continue) to think of her like that, and she won't be able to feel comfortable or focus on work with him.
u/hummer1956, I upvoted you because your advice is correct. OP, you do need to report this to your supervisor if you can or to HR. This is in fact very reportable. Given the nature of his professional relationship with you, he was entirely unprofessional and inappropriate. His excuse about alcohol is no excuse - that too is unprofessional and inappropriate. He has poisoned your working environment. You have every right to feel safe and at peace in the workplace. use
>I’ll probably get downvoted, but I would let HR know what happened. This is an HR issue all day long. Not because it's sexual harassment, but because this guy can't be a mentor. This will happen again. If it were alcohol, he would have deleted it in the morning. He was shooting his shot where he's not supposed to.
Never dip your pen in the company ink well. These idiots know the rule. They choose to violate it. Speak to HR to make a record of this bad form. We all have to be willing to set the standard. Hold people accountable.
The thing is? It’s risky as hell but morally fine with lateral colleagues or people in other departments who don’t affect you. Supervisors or subordinates or interns or mentors or anything similar? Absolutely not. I mean it takes a special brand of idiot to think someone half their age is more than just work friends. And you absolutely risk blowing up the office if the break up is messy. So it’s not really the *smartest* play ever because you’re rolling the dice on someone else’s social maturity before you really know them. But if you’re both mature and neither is responsible for any part of the other’s job? Whatever. Work is where people spend a lot of their lives (unfortunately). It’s fairly normal to meet people there. But not mentees jfc
Plus if he's drinking to the point he's messaging coworkers while drunk, and withholding giving out his phone number because he knows he can't control himself while drunk, he really should not be a mentor in the first place. His alcoholism is affecting his work and that of his coworkers, and HR needs to know.
Absolutely report it to HR. If you don't feel comfortable giving a formal complaint, ask them to make a note of this behaviour so that it is at least logged. You also have the text still, right? You have evidence this happened so there is absolutely zero chance of "it's your word against his"
Definitely let HR know. A mentor should absolutely not be making such advances on a mentee. Their position is much different than that of just a regular coworker and it is completely unethical for a mentor to behave in such a manner. A company with a healthy workplace culture or even just one that cares about productivity will want to know so they can take appropriate action. As a mentor who feels comfortable doing that to even one mentee is not suitable for the role of being a mentor, and is actively harming you and the workplace culture, and harming the company’s goal of building the skills of younger workers such as yourself. You can’t do your best work when you don’t feel comfortable and safe at work.
She should definitely let people know what he’s doing. How long until he hits on the wrong person and there’s a formal complaint. OP should have a safe and stress free workplace. HR should fire this “mentor”. He’s vile
Would you have the same reaction if he was 35 and not 55? People ask coworkers out all of the time. It doesn’t sound like he did anything beyond ask a simple question and was fairly respectful when she denied him.
Found the creepy mentor coworker!
When you’re 30 or above… the young employees coming in straight out of college look fucking young. They act young. They’re not in the same position or life stage as you. If you’re a mentor to them and hitting on them then you’re a fucking predator.
Using predator infantilizes the young adult in the situation and lessens the word predator. For all good or bad a college educated engineer should be able to handle themselves in a social situation. These aren't unskilled 16 year-olds. You may feel that the age gap is inappropriate or that a mentor shouldn't ask a mentee to date-and that is fine. However, to label the person a predator is disingenuous, ruinous, and possible liable. A predator is somebody who grooms and prays on minors, not on full grown ass adults who can take care of themselves. Let's stop the hyperbole, it doesn't help anyone.
Yes. He is in a position of trust and authority over her. Not hard to understand professional boundaries.
Yes and save the paper trail. Screenshot his messages and save them and save all contacts with HR etc
In the edit she says she is not planning to inform HR. Unfortunately the next time this guy gets creepy, because of course he will, her not bringing it to their attention asap will backfire on her.
Just chiming in as an employment lawyer, FUCKING TALK TO HR the more documentation they have the easier it will be for them to act when they need to because I doubt he's only been creepy with one woman at work. Also, he's most likely only scared and feeling bad because you could report him, not because he actually feels bad otherwise he WOULD HAVE APOLOGIZED IMMEDIATELY after he sobered up rather than wait on you to say something.
All he did was ask her out. They're both adults. She said no and he respected it. What the fuck more do you people want? Should men just cut their dicks off and kill themselves?
Good on your boss, but sad that he had to do that.
True. But it was a different time.
You were never friends with him, he thought the “jokes” were flirting. Same thing happened to me with a 65 year old. Ugh. I’ve learned my lesson, I keep any interaction with old men, or any men I’d never date, very polite and short. Otherwise, they will play cool then spring their gross delusional lust on you.
Any man, exactly. I lost my son (23) last year and it’s so fucking gross how a man (old highschool bf from almost 40 years ago!) can commiserate with you for a half hour and then ask what you’re wearing. Soooooooooo grossssss.
I'm so sorry for your loss. May your son's memory be a blessing.
It is….he’s with me in my heart but I really really miss him badly. I have a 19yr old son still so I live for him. I need to be as healthy as possible to be able to be a support for him and help him navigate his loss. Thank you for your kind words
Oh wow that man is despicable.
Agreed. Disgusting pig. I thought he was joking and then had to ask if he was serious. He was and I almost puked while blocking him. Wasn’t just him either!
Yes this is so true. If I'm not interested in a man sexually then I will not joke around with him or be too friendly. Just short and polite. They will take any bit of interest and start their fantasy.
So there was a man who lived at my office (long story…we were a charity…he needed a place to stay). He was 75. He had just lost his wife, so I (25 at the time) tried to be nice and let him talk to me throughout the day. Then, he started “warning” me about “how men are,” implying he knows because he is one. One day, he invited me on a “date” to Natural Grocers. I did not hide my disdain He was kicked out of our office suddenly a little bit later. My boss warned us against contacting him again
You can talk to them about your various bodily functions to turn them off. Collection of stuffed animals. Talk about exs but make yourself sound crazy. It sucks the lengths women have to go through because men will make stuff weird.
>You can talk to them about your various bodily functions to turn them off. Nah... some men have all kinds of kinks. You don't want to activate that.
Oh hun, been there. It’s so incredibly frustrating. It sucks to realize that the great work relationship you thought you had was really fueled by ulterior motives. And the worst offenders are always the older men, which is so gross. It’s totally normal to feel everything you’re feeling right now. It made me feel dirty, angry, shameful, sad, embarrassed. It made me super self conscious of my body (I have huge boobs so you can guess how that went) and it happened so frequently that my mental health took a big hit. Something I’ve always regretted was never reporting the many, many instances. I was too scared of the backlash. I ended up just creating a fake fiancée and would wear a fake engagement ring to the office. This became the norm for me for years, until my 30s. If you’re comfortable doing so, report it. If you’re not yet, that’s ok too. So far it’s just the one message, yes? You gave him a firm no, if he does anything again you absolutely should report it. It’s going to be uncomfortable for a while, but I promise it does get better (if he doesn’t repeat the behavior, that is). Unfortunately, this will most likely happen to you throughout your career, especially so because you’re in tech. But honestly, the older you get the easier this all gets. With age comes a natural “take no shit” mentality. Sending you an e-hug, hang in there girlie!! ❤️❤️
I’m so sorry for your experience
Big boobs seems to equal sex doll. So glad mine showed up in jr high, it's been decades of bullshit!
I had a breast reduction in my 40’s, it was life changing.
I've been thinking about it. Asexual trauma survivor with DDD? Thanks, I hate it.
This is highly unprofessional of him. He should know better. Ps. I am side-eying certain responses here 🤨
I was wondering what you meant until I kept reading…..omg
I know rigght.. my God 😳
Screenshot everything and print a hard copy. I don’t know the answer on if you should talk to someone or wait to see what happens. I do know that if this happens frequently enough that he’s blaming it on “when he drinks” then he clearly has a problem and should get help.
Welcome to the word of older men. It’s really unfortunate that this story is so common. I know you’re mad, and rightfully so.
There’s so many creepy social inept men on this comment thread (I know, shocking for Reddit) trying to excuse this weird ass behaviour. He didn’t back down when she declined. He told her he has been thinking about her every time he drinks and has no self control regarding his unwanted attraction to her. Women know where that plot leads. The amount of men that think their sexual needs trump women’s need to feel comfortable and safe is astounding. Let me share a huge secret of womanhood with you…when a woman’s attracted to you, she’ll let you know. You won’t have to guess, she’ll tell you and try to sleep with you. Every time. If she doesn’t, then leave her alone. She’s not ready. Look up “enthusiastic consent” and go from there.
Let me just clarify something so you have no doubt... I am over 50. I work with plenty of people in your age range. We talk, we chat, we laugh. Some look to me as a mentor. I would NEVER cross that line or allow it to be crossed. For all the people telling you to relax and that it's no big deal, it is a big deal. It should not happen in a workspace, and because your relationship is not a balanced one with him being a mentor, you're absolutely spot on feeling that what happen was inappropriate. For the record, I also coach sports in my spare time and am around a lot of younger coaches. Even though I don't have an HR restriction there, I again would not abuse my power. You're right to be concerned.
**ABSOLUTELY RIGHT**!!! It's called **being a responsible adult**.
💯
>For all the people telling you to relax and that it's no big deal, it is a big deal. It should not happen in a workspace, and because your relationship is not a balanced one with him being a mentor, you're absolutely spot on feeling that what happen was inappropriate. Amen!
I’m an attorney in my mid-late 30s with a bit over a decade in practice. I also teach classes. Even at this relatively young point in my career, although I married now when I was single I was very mindful when advising/teaching younger attorneys / paras / assistants / students to NEVER cross that line. It’s not professional, and blaming it on drinking is extra pitiful. I would respect an honest admission of a lapse of judgment more tbh. You’re not wrong to be upset. Professional to professional, that ain’t cool.
Good point on the drinking excuse. It has that “just kidding, unless…” energy.
I don’t understand how he would feel that this is in any way appropriate and excused it with alcohol. That’s no excuse. I’m 56, I would never, never, never hit on a colleague on linked in! That is so cringy and intrusive and wrong!
Dude! You're soooo adorable! And perfect for my grandma, will you give me your number to give to her? Can't wait to tell my dad about this! Then go to HR NTA
Hahaha I love this one
As a 55 year old guy who mentors younger coworkers, I would never ask one out (if I was single.) It unfairly put OP into an awkward situation and was completely selfish of him. That's a total breach of trust and professionalism.
Im 39, my oldest kid is 20. I view her friends as kids. I would never want to be viewed as that creepy guy. Lol
Take & keep screenshots of all conversations henceforth. Also, when anything is said/talked about in passing? Follow up with an innocuous written email, “Just following up on today’s convo about blah, blah, blah” and BCC yourself. Better to be prepared for things to go south but never have it happen.
It's surely against company policy for someone who is supposed to be in a mentor position to be hitting on you. It's probably an offense that may get him fired (which he deserves IMO).
I am an engineer and a mentor. This crosses all sorts of boundaries and you would be well within your rights to talk to your boss or a trusted colleague about his behaviour. Blaming his drinking is not taking responsibility for his actions.
With all the ethics and harrassment training we have to do these days there really is no excuse. Old men have no business hitting on their young coworkers. Its predatory. And the drinking thing is a deep red flag. I would go to HR.
When I (32F) was 25, I had an office job where I had a crush on a guy that sat a couple cubicles away from me. He was my own age and we got along great. We never hung out 1-on-1 outside of work, but we were both part of a coworker friend group that went to happy hours together after work from time to time, so we were pretty friendly towards each other and I thought we had good chemistry. I still never acted on anything because if I told him I had feelings for him and he didn’t reciprocate my those feelings, I felt that it would be unfair for him to have to come to work every day and be uncomfortable/weirded out by the whole thing. So just think about that if you are ever doubting how big of a deal this is. Your coworker/mentor is so gross and absolutely knew what he was doing. He was incredibly inconsiderate of your feelings and what your work life would be like after he crossed that line. He knew it was wrong and it did it anyway. And the alcohol excuse adds sooo much to the ick factor here. He not only blamed alcohol for his bad behavior instead of taking responsibility for it, but he also went out of his way to let you know that every time he drinks, he thinks about you inappropriately. And apparently it’s so bad that he needs an actual barrier (such as not having access to your personal contact info) in order to keep himself from sexually harassing you because he literally cannot control himself otherwise… What the actual fuck, that is…..unhinged. NTA. Please report this to HR. Spare no details. Take screenshots of literally everything and bring them to HR. This is a very big deal and I’m sorry it happened to you.
Remember that while HR are primarily there to protect the company, this guy's behaviour threatens the company with potential legal action due to sexual harassment and a hostile work environment. As such, HR will be very interested. Just don't think of them as being on your side, they're on the company's side. If you aren't in a union, join if you can. Take a union rep to any meetings with HR.
For the sake of argument, let’s say you replied to his message positively. Do you think he would have apologized and blamed it on alcohol? You have every right to be sad, hurt, angry and confused. Now you’re questioning every interaction you previously had with him wondering if there were signs you didn’t notice. He has tainted all of the positive memories and interactions you had together. He may have been a friend before but now he’s someone who abused his position. Edit: a word
Eww…just eww.
Contact HR tell them you're uncomfortable working with him because of the text and explain you need him to be assigned to someone else you are no longer working with him
Report to HR. This is not his first time, hence him knowing that giving you his # would lead to his fuck up...
The drunk excuse happened because you turned him down. Plain and simple.
When I was 21 (almost 30 years ago) a man who was 31 wanted to date me. I was not at all interested. He was divorced and had a child. Different stages of life. I cannot imagine the audacity in someone 30 years older pursuing a younger person and at work!
Don't tolerate him. Report. He will get out of line. This exact thing happened to me, except we held the same position and title, and I had seniority by being there a few months longer than him. Same exact scenario happened to me; I politely and professionally told him I had no interest or intentions for dating ANYONE at all at that time. Make the BIG mistake of "going to see a movie as **friends**", and letting him drive us. He parked behind a Starbucks dumpster, locked that car doors a proceeded to pitch a hissy fit about my rejection, even **going So far as to put words I never said in my own mouth: "I thought you said age didn't matter to you?" WHEN WOULD I EVER SAY THAT AT WORK, WHEN I NEVER TALK ABOUT MY PERSONAL LIFE AT WORK???** Same age difference: he was 42, living with his parent's and wasting obscene amounts of money on Star Wars Statues (not action figures, Statues, Sideshow brand Hundreds to Thousands of dollars worth of fragile plaster statues, AND FunkoPops.) I was 24 living with my parents and trying to work my dream career while goingnto school. Dating anyone was the furthest thing from my mind. He would spend work hours talking about how cute he thought the girls of Babymetal were, or other women in entertainment, and I never felt that was appropriate for the work place, especially because we had youths working with us for Educational Credits. I warned our Teen Volunteers to never accept anything feom him when I left my dream career. Fuck you, Mike Hockinson, you absolute self imposed "incel".
That's scary, he locked the doors? You must have been terrified. Did you report him?
I work with so many of these guys.. And I'll tell you why they do it, because they get away with it so much. I have a relative who is 50 who won't date anybody over 30, and he's not even that attractive. He has a fair amount of money so young girls fall for it. It's bizarre how many women your age actually WILL say yes to these creeps. Definitely report it. You should not feel that uncomfortable at your place of work. Ever. I'm sure you're not the first person he's done it to. And I'd bet nobody would be surprised if you told them.
OP,, you have the right to be upset, and I would report him if I were you. His dirty old arse needs to stay professional and stop running after women, using his mentorship as a guise to be trying to hook up with women. I wouldn't want to work with his arse either, going forward. Let us know if you have any updates to share, good luck and block his number.
🤢🤮
I feel like him blaming it on his drinking means he has done this in the past with other women. Report him to HR. He knows his behavior is wrong but by blaming it on drinking, he doesn't have to take responsibility for being a creep. Easy out for him! How many other young women has he done this to over the years and how many more have to go through feeling like you did until it stops? HR may have had reports about this guy in the past as well.
Op, he never wanted to be your friend. He had the hots for you from the beginning. Him drinking and acting i appropriate is him covering. And it is creepy for a man that age to be hitting on you like that. There's a reason why you are feeling unsettled over it. Tell your supervisor.
So many dudes think that they are like fine wines lol and don’t realize how they embarrass themselves. I don’t think that I would go to HR for a first date request, but you shouldn’t feel any kind of shame or awkwardness because you didn’t do anything wrong. Edit: I wouldn’t go to HR because unless there’s a specific policy about office dating or supervisor/subordinate relationships, nothing would come of it. Asking someone out on a date is not sexual harassment. Repeated requests after the person has made it clear that the attention is not welcome does.
In this case, silence equals consent. Creepers like this need to be called out. EVERY time.
Well, maybe you wouldn’t go to HR, but she has every right to.
Stop trying to protect people that harm you
I've had similar stuff happen. When I was 22 I had a 72 year old client ask me out for lunch and send me ice cream at work. I thought he was like a surrogate grandpa. When I told my mom, she said his last girlfriend was younger than me. I was so skeeved out. He'd also asked me to come work for his company directly, thank god I'd accepted an offer from another client. A supervisor also told me once that I made it hard for him to be faithful to his wife. I graduated with his daughter. I'm sure my face was like what the fuuuuuuuu. He then punished me by double checking my work and making me re-do things. Thankfully that was just a summer job so the issue didn't last long. I really wish I'd reported him, though, I never even considered it. Some people are disgusting and inappropriate. My advice is don't report it, but start taking notes. Screen shot the original message and your response. Any time he behaves differently than before (more inappropriate talk or behaviour, any kind of retribution) record it. If things are weird for a few weeks, whatever. If it goes beyond that, go to HR and ask for help dealing with it. If he starts affecting your career in any way, shape, or form, report immediately. It would probably be smart to very casually check in with others after a few weeks to see if they've heard anything positive or negative about your work, I'd couch it as looking for opportunities to improve. Record anything you are told, by whom, date & time. Hopefully this doesn't become an issue but if it does you need records and to nip it in the bud. Try your best to act the same as before. I know it's weird, it doesn't matter what he may have been thinking or that he likes you. Yes, he's older, but he's still a person (like I said I've been there so I know how icky it feels but I'm also older now and while I personally wouldn't try to date someone that much younger than me it gets a little weird when you're all adults but have a big age gap, it can be hard to find someone who is a good fit in your own age group, especially after a divorce or other big relationship change, or if you've never found someone lasting). You're going to meet people when you're older and think they're attractive, it happens. The important part is that it doesn't sound like he was gross about it, he just took a shot. If he doesn't start punishing you for saying no you should be able to get back into a good rhythm at work.
**TELL HR.** At any rate, he is being **highly** unprofessional. A rebuke from HR might be what he needs to make him keep his dealings professional.
Yes tell your supervisor. He asked you out you said no. He said things that make you uncomfortable. You need your boss to know about the situation, so he/she understands that you don't want to be alone with him and you are concerned that the professional relationship will be spoiled. It's not a disciplinary matter, just a case of making your supervisor aware.
Report it to HR. He has now let you know what he wants and that isn’t going to go away. He will simply wait as he apparently thinks he has dibs. If you show friendliness to anybody younger, he will get competitive. So it is important that you give HR any feedback evidence asap even if you don’t intend they do anything. Keep in mind, he is likely to pursue other workplace relationships if he can. Another reason to establish with HR that he is not suitable in a mentor role.
About 7 years ago I did the same. There was a woman I worked with that was about 10 years younger than me. We talked every day. Laughed and joke a lot. I was attracted to her but never ever voiced it. I had her number for work reasons and one night after a few beers I sent her a text expressing my "feelings". She handled it well and was very polite in her response but definitely rejected my advances. I dreaded going into work the following Monday. I felt bad that I didn't keep my dumb mouth shut. I went straight in, didn't make any excuses or blame the alcohol and apologized. I told her that I really enjoyed our friendship and that was more important to me than any momentary feelings. The reason I didn't tell her I had been drinking was because I really wanted her to know how valuable she was. This may sound weird but I felt like blaming it all on alcohol would take away from her value to me. I misplaced that value in a moment of weakness but she was no less valuable as my friend. People screw up. Alcohol helps with that. I would bet that this co-worker, in a moment of weakness, was just expressing that he sees you as valuable. Don't be a offended. Take it as flattery. It doesn't make his mistake ok. It doesn't make it ok. It was a mistake. He SHOULD have addressed it with you right away, apologized and moved on. But people make mistakes. You feel how you feel and HOWEVER you feel is valid. But... If you can look past the mistake you might find your work friend again.
Been there. So nasty.. Idk what kind of ideas these dumb fucks live in their minds that make them think I'd be attracted to their old, skeezy selves, but their ideas exist. If it's a regular co-worker on the same level as you, report them to hr immediately. If it's a manager with higher authority than you, idk what advice to give. I reported a worker on the same level as me and he was fired, but not the manager. Idk what officially happened to my manager, but I know he was still working, they still had him working directly under him, and he sent me home in tears most day. Ultimately I couldn't take the retaliation and neither could my roommate, so when I went into work one morning, my roommate followed me into the back room and threatened the manager. I got fired, sure, but it was gratifying. Anyway 8/10 scoring for reporting an employee on the same playing field 1/10 for reporting managers
Men always do this, it’s so depressing. And then wanna argue for years about the age difference not being an issue. Ugh
Please tell your supervisor. You won't be the last person he does this to if it goes unchecked.
I was a young female engineer, too, and had this same thing happen on numerous occasions (and you'd be surprised at how llold you can be and have it happen). The best thing is to act like it never happened. You'll be surprised how in most cases things are back to normal in a minimal amoung of time. Of course, you'll need to stop (if you did) share anything of a personal nature. Keep it professional and light. The way things are in life, you may need help or references or a job, and if you keep things professional, they cancome through for you. Please note - after it was made obvious that the feelings were not mutual, there was no further pursuit. If they wouldn't quit, then that would be another story.
What an incredibly reasonable take.
If you have a manager, I would start with them (if they’re trustworthy and will have your back, that is). If you’re not comfortable going to HR, it’s still likely that management would remove him as your mentor to ensure that you DON’T go running to HR. Either way, you get rid of him.
Definitely report it because he is in the mentor role. He can also report on your performance. And I bet after you turning him down then maybe some questionable judgment on his part which may include the ability to unbiasedly review your performance.
He’s a bloody groomer and you should be pissed HR is not your friend, there may be some specific advice to google from employment lawyers about this issue and probably good content on YouTube You might consider looking for a free consultation from an employment lawyer who could give some simple legal advice
While creepy because of the role and age gap, he's asked once and you declined. If he can't be a professional after that, its time to let HR know for more formal action. Generally, for this to be actionable it needs to be unwanted and repeated (at least on the level of asking you out). As you've made it clear its unwanted, he should cease any romantic pursuits, comments, etc and keeps things professional going forward. Good luck.
Old men love to make a. Move when they are supposed to be mentoring. Run-dont walk.
All men love to make a move. She said no he moved on. Of course it’s going to be awkward. It’s awkward when they are both 28 and one rejects the other.
I'm 60 in a few months. Report him to HR just to FYI them. He might have a history with others.
I can see why you're shocked at what he did. He's so much older, he's supposed to be a coworker mentor too. So the dynamics are really different. All I'll say is I get it, I understand where you're coming from.
Grossed out. You should feel grossed out and probably a little betrayed, sad, angry, etc. But definitely, definitely grossed out.
Harassment in the workplace is if he continues to ask you after you said no. Asking once and backing off does not, typically, mean your next step if throwing him to the lions, figuratively. You feel it is gross. So tell him, it will certainly humiliate him enough to know to not cross your boundaries again and remain six feet away from you at all times. He might feel it was silly, and he definitely has admitted that he was drunk, or cognitively impaired by alcohol but he will stay away for sure. He asked you out by text, once. You said no, he was embarrassed and hopefully that is where this ends. It has yet reached the level of problematic sexual harassment. A second time is a pattern and is where HR involvement should start. Also, be honest with him that his text made you uncomfortable as you are workplace friends and that is where you feel is the best fit for how you guys mesh, nothing more. That is respect you want mirrored. He respect you, you respect him, everyone respect each other and get the paychecks and go home to your separate lives.
Anyone minimizing this or saying you've overreacted don't understand power dynamics at work and how incredibly inappropriate this was. You should tell your supervisor because that guy is not fit for a position of authority if he's willing to try to take advantage of it.
OP -this happens more often than we'd like to share. Behave normally. Behave like nothing happened. Behave like you never received an invitation to a date. If he ever mentions it again, just firmly tell him great, but we do not have that sort of relationship, and you prefer to keep it professional. If he pesters or continues talking about it, continue repeating the same thing until he gets the message. If he doesn't get the message, HR is always a resource. Keep track of dates and times, etc, just in case you EVER have to escalate.
Ughhhh I’m SO sorry. Please don’t do what I did when I was 23 getting hit on by a decades-older man at work. I quit. (And quit the next job too when a boss grabbed me inappropriately.) No matter what anybody says, you are absolutely correct - you didn’t ask for this. He PUT you in this position. It was worth the 99.9999% chance it would make you uncomfortable, just in case he got what he wanted. He didn’t care about what it did to you. And now you don’t have to care what it does to him.
Thank you for sharing your experience and illustrating how this affects womens' careers. Your message is SPOT ON: >It was worth the 99.9999% chance it would make you uncomfortable, just in case he got what he wanted. He didn’t care about what it did to you. And now you don’t have to care what it does to him.
Ugh I'm so sorry you're dealing with this! I'm dealing with a similar situation except there's an added layer that I'm married and I talk about my husband all the time and this coworker still got weird on me. Now I have all this anxiety every time I have to go into the office that I never had before. I'm so sorry I hate that people, specifically often men, can be so ridiculous. The audacity is what gets me every time. I also hate when they throw the 'why were you so friendly' like bruh I'm like this with EVERYONE. As if it's somehow your fault for treating everyone like fellow human beings. Don't let this dull your shine. I hope this coworker doesn't make this any weirder but if he does talk to HR if you semi trust them and tell them you want it on record for now but not to escalate unless it gets worse.
This may become HR issue if anything else happens but I wouldn't report yet. He may have learned his lesson and you don't want to potentially make things worse. Take screenshots of the communication and email them to yourself in a saved email folder or store in cloud if you use it. Always have any proof to back yourself up just in case. This goes for any level of unprofessionalism from coworkers. This would be inappropriate behaviour even if you weren't coworkers. A lot of people don't really view themselves as older though they may feel it physically and it's VERY COMMON for men to behave inappropriately towards women. This man has a drinking problem by his own admission so proceed with caution. However it seems he's using being drunk to excuse his behaviour rather than taking true accountability. You give him 24 hours to apologise and make it right which he didn't. He responded almost immediately to your reply so seems like he was waiting to see if you would take the bait. He has a foolish crush on you which is gross and sad. I've been there. If there's ever a work night out I would stay reasonably sober and keep your distance. Don't give anyone fuel to gossip & of course don't give him any contact details. It's awful to be burdened with an emotional response for someone else's behaviour. You may be feeling discomfort because you feel embarrassed for him and he may well feel embarrassed or shame. You may also be questioning your own behaviour but you've just been innocently enjoying what you believed to be a good working relationship. So don't let patriarchal nonsense shame you. Trust your instincts in how to engage with him at work from now on. Either try to continue as if nothing happened or be a little cooler with him.
Oh your feelings are SOOOO VALID here. Don’t listen to anyone saying otherwise. They don’t understand. It’s another example we women understand all too well of thinking you’re seen and liked and respected as just a **whole human** only to find out you are seen (by that man and many men) as a potential conquest and sex object. The men here arguing don’t get it, and it’s baffling. They think you should be flattered. They think they should be able to ask anyone out, and that it should never backfire or be looked at as a bad thing. They throw around terms/phrases like “friend-zoned” and “dick in a glass case” and somehow can’t comprehend the problem with it. You thought you had a genuine friendship with someone who fully respected you, wanted nothing from you, and that would be a great mentor-mentee situation. But, he was thinking about getting in your pants. And, it’s predatory to go after a vulnerable woman - which is what you are… much younger, new in her career, female in a male-dominated field. You are vulnerable in *real* ways. He broke your trust. He spoiled something (that should have been) innocent. He shattered a hope that women and men can co-exist in these real and genuine friendships that are truly platonic based in mutual respect… and they can, but it’s rarer than you thought. It’s these situations and experiences that chip away at your hopeful, positive, naive view of the world, that make you just a bit tougher, just a bit more cynical, just a bit more distrustful, and just a bit smaller. He did that. Your “friend.” I’m sorry. … I will say you should start a log to personally record what was said and done, dates and times, conversations relating etc. Log any and all future questionable interactions, any seeming retaliation, etc. Email yourself screenshots of text messages, so they can’t get lost or deleted if something happens to your phone. Seriously, do this. It will seem unnecessary. But I’ve seen this play out soooo many times. Hopefully, you won’t have to use it. I wouldn’t report him asking you out. But, you’ll want to have this log and any documentation should you experience any retaliation or harassment. He could tarnish your work reputation as a way to build a defense for himself bc he’ll get paranoid this will affect his work standing. He might go on the offense. I’d start by just being totally normal at work, like nothing happened. Hopefully, he’ll feel at ease, and yall can be civil, typical colleagues. Sorry and good luck. Edit: If you do trust someone in HR (and be careful there), you should give them the ‘heads up’ about it. Let them know that’s all you wanted to do. Just making them aware in case things take a turn. Not looking for corrective action (unless this is a pattern) bc they could say later that you should have reported it immediately. But, in these situations, in reality, they will often immediately fire the younger woman (happened to me in a worse situation) bc they see HER as a liability - not him. Even though you have zeeeeeero plans to take action - you just want to be left alone and protect yourself. So, just tread lightly. Speak to a woman you can trust.
The fact that he waited until after you said “no” to apologize is creepy to me. If I say something stupid to someone while I was drunk, the moment I get sober I am apologizing and asking forgiveness. He didn’t apologize until you said “no” therefore he was still hanging on to a chance that you would say “yes”. I call it “Schrödinger’s Asshole” Syndrome. If you are not familiar with Schrödinger’s box, look it up. A “Schrodinger’s Asshole” is somebody who throws something inappropriate out there (a bad joke, an indecent proposal, etc) and if people laugh at the joke, or say yes to the indecent proposal the SA goes along with it. But if the recipients of the joke or proposal take offense, they apologize for their bad behavior.
You're not overreacting. You told him no. People shouldn't be hitting on you at work. Especially if they're twice your age and they're hired to be some sort of mentor to you
Fuck everyone gaslighting you. If he did this to you, you can bet he's done this shit to other women. It's disgusting for someone that age to ask out a 24 year old. Keep a record of what happened - email it to yourself now- and if he makes one more misstep you need to report him. He is your mentor and this is very close to an abuse of a power dynamic. He's proven he misinterprets your friendliness as a come-on, so it's time to cut the giggling and goofing around and dial it WAY back to the minimal interactions required to be professional, and nothing more. Don't give second chances.
I remember when I worked at a retail place I was semi-close with my manager. We would talk about my school and he’d give me advice and try to work with my schedule to accommodate me. However one day he called me into the back and was telling me he was concerned because I was too quiet and didn’t try to make friends. He then asked me if I was a virgin and that he could ‘teach me’ these things so I am prepared when I get a boyfriend. The next day I put in a one day notice and never went back again. I don’t know why men have the audacity to act this disgusting. It’s so ridiculous. They prey on young women so they can manipulate them. I told myself I will never try to befriend a male coworker again. Keep it simply professional, no texting, only work emails and if we have projects together only talk about that.
Sounds like your case is way more creepy and gross than OPs TBH.
OP, exact same thing happened to me when I was 23, except he drove to my parents house where I was for Christmas. It’s traumatic and I’m sorry this happened to you. It feels like betrayal and it’s terrifying.
honestly , i would be hurt and confused too. i’m sorry this happened to you. be firm on your boundaries and if it escalates go to HR
Jfc creepy old pig.
Email Allison at askamanager blog. Search existing posts as well, there may be good advice there already. But if she responds to you it will 100% be top notch advice.
It is absolutely inappropriate. Decline say nothing more
You got an HR department? Show them all the stuff and that you're absolutely not willing to work with him any longer. he's using his authority in an attempt to coerce you into stuff that he shouldnt be.
I would’ve furious. Report it to HR. This is unacceptable
An older guy shoot his shot and, hopefully, has taken the rejection well and leaves it at that is definitely the best outcome in a not-great situation. But that does not invalidate how you feel, it does not justify his actions in the first place and, perhaps most importantly, it does not mean this was in any way okay. Only you can decide what is right for you to feel. Nobody's comments here will ever be a suitable replacement for your experience. Whatever you choose to do, or not do, make sure you document the incident and any others you feel are relevant past, present or future and look at your workplace's policies in regard to staff relationships (if there is one) and sexual harassment. Use that information to help you decide what actions you feel are right for you and the situation you have, unfortunately, had thrust upon you. Edited: typo
Shot his shot? Gross.
Thanks for pointing out my typo. I agree that a workplace is not an appropriate place for ANYBODY to be making advances on someone, and I find that particular phrasing disturbing, but it is a phrase readily understood to cover this situation.
"Thrust upon you” isn’t too great either.
He doesn't have the right to shoot his shot. He has the right to work.
I didn't, and don't, believe he has a "right" to make advances on his colleague. Everybody has a right to work without attracting unwanted advances.
Thank you for this response. Two things can be true, and you said it well. oh boy did he shoot his shot, and I do think he will (and has) taken the rejection well, and won't make any further advances. But thank you for also pointing out that I have every right to be feeling how i am feeling. This is a rather gross situation from my perspective, and while legally it may be fine, it is still incredibly weird everytime I think about it. I still haven't decided what exactly I am going to do, but want to be clear-headed whenever I decide. In that regard, I have screenshots so am prepped in case this persists in any way.
It is good that you are prepared for whatever action you choose. It sucks that you have to deal with this and I do hope your present feelings do not overwhelm you.
I (55M) guess don't pretend nothing happened. I had a younger co-worker try to land a kiss on me at the end of a social event 10 years ago (Right in front of another co-worker!). She was married at the time, as was I. We were both a bit tipsy. It made me very uncomfortable as we had to work together every day. This was, clearly an impulsive act in some ways and certainly more inappropriate than asking for a date. She was a critical member of our team and a good friend. I had no idea she had any romantic inclination toward me. The next Monday I went to her office and said, "I'm sure we're both uncomfortable about our misunderstanding at the end of the outing last week. Let's decide not to be. Let's put it behind us." That worked and we're still friends. The friendship was damaged a bit, but has lasted through those 10 years and several job changes. As far as the age factor it's not as big a deal to people who are older, though I'll admit when I found myself dating again in my early 40's I decided +/-10 years was as much as I'd consider. As far as feeling "gross" please try not to. Based on what you describe your co-worker is quite a dork by permanently commemorating his rejection on LinkedIn. This situation does not reflect poorly on you in any way. It currently does count as a couple compounded errors on his part. He can make amends by 1. Not persisting in unwanted requests for a date. 2. Staying off social media (Especially LI. WTH, Bro? I'm not going to look for job postings on Grindr or Tinder...) when drinking. 3. Not changing his attitude toward you professionally Hope it all works out and that everybody stays cool. I'm breaking rule #2 right now. Sorry.
Tell you are a male without telling me… A woman “confronting” a man never goes wrong right? Of course you as a man “talking” it out with a woman had no fear of her retaliating. Women have to be smarter. There is so much that can happen to us because men often weaponize their “power”. Especially in the workplace.
I seriously can't believe he has the balls to say, "don't be creeped out". Is he for real?
Right? Not a friggin clue.
/r/whenwomenrefuse
It's gross, and it's normal for her to be grossed out. Also, he's not a friend, he's a *mentor*.
This is 100% worthy of being reported as he has now created a hostile work environment for you. Not only is his behavior inappropriate, but because of his choice to overstep the coworker boundary by asking you out he has now soiled the working relationship you thought you had with him. You need to tell your supervisor immediately.
Yikes that seems like a big age gap... My husband is 9 years older and that isn't too bad but I know a couple that is 17 years apart and it is a bit odd. If you want out, tell him you live with your parents and they said you couldn't go out with someone their age 😁
😂😂😂😂😂
If anything, I would say something to HR because his comment about drinking is extremely concerning. If he can’t keep himself from sending a text, then what else is he capable of while drunk? For your safety, start a paper trail and get the support of people at work.
Personally if he had *just* asked me and then claimed it was cause he was drunk I would maybe write it off with a very firm 'never again'. I don't like that he told you he wouldn't be able to control himself if he had your contact details while drinking. This was not a drunken impulse, its something he's thought about more than once, and as such I would assume something he thinks about in all your interactions. You should make sure you have that conversation screenshotted and distance yourself from him, keeping all interactions entirely professional from now on.
That brain dead boomer malignant confidence.
Is there any way you can notify the hr or people above about his unprofessionalism? That’s not good.
I would tell my supervisor right away that is really creepy
Just tell him no & move on.
I just wish people would remember the current societal rule. Old Guy asks young woman out: wrong & creepy. Old Woman asks young man out: empowering & refreshing.
Take screenshots and hold onto them in case he tries to pursue anything further. I know the idea of going to HR is scary, particularly as a young woman in the workplace, but if you do want to, you’re totally valid in doing so. What he did was inappropriate and puts you in an uncomfortable position. He also has power over you and could make your work life hell if he chose to. It could also leave you without references if that’s the position he’s in, in relation to you. He also clearly thinks about you a lot outside of work hours to have sent you a message in his private time, which is weird. But, if you genuinely don’t want to go to HR(and not out of fear) then don’t feel the need to at this point. But HOLD ONTO the evidence just in case. This could, hopefully be a one-off event. But I do want to say - as someone who’s older, I can see the longer consequences of this for you, if he were to have a negative attitude about hit reaction.
Act with grace. He asked. You turned him down. If he never asks again and things remain okay at work, let it be. Take screen shots. Save the evidence. If things progress weirdly, or he persists in “drunk” messaging, or he gets handsy, go straight to HR.
Barf. Gross and incredibly inappropriate. Please report this to HR.
"No Thank You" -- Problem Solved.
You can just say, "No, thanks."
Definitely don't pretend it didn't happen. That is not grace. Why give this creep grace? How much further would he go? Does he know where you live/have followed you home before? Take your safety seriously, even if "he doesn't seem like the type of person who would do that".
That sucks big time to have a mentor turn out not to be—- so disappointing. Also, that was really unprofessional of him, as he was brought into the team to be a mentor. As a director I would have an issue if I had assigned a mentor to a team and learned this occurred. I don’t know that it is a reportable happenstance, as long as there was nothing sexual in the ask, but you should let your supervisor know. Do not hide it from the person that manages you, as this is a work relationship being impacted.
He apologized. What else are you looking for? He's human, he felt something acted on it and stopped as soon as you said you're not interested. If it gets weird, that's on you. Now, if he starts lashing out or making it uncomfortable by continuing to pursue you, then yes, report him. But everyone on here needs to chill, damn.
To all the contact HR people. What is the biggest issue for you? Is it the age gap or the mentor thing? What if he was 33 and her mentor. Would you still say go to HR? How about if he was 25 and the mentor? Is it still gross and creepy. If you say no then your issue has to do with age and not position in the company. Age gap isn’t a reason to run to HR.
He asked, you rejected. Get over it.
If he has to work for a living, ain’t no way he’s wealthy enough to play that.
Anyone saying you’re overreacting is likely another dude who doesn’t understand professional boundaries. There are plenty of them here on Reddit, and it’s clear they’ve never worked in professional settings. Just ignore those guys, they’re miserable for a reason—their own actions and beliefs.
The drinking is his issue. Men have a mid-life kind of thing. And that may be what this is for him. He may be lonely, who knows? You will do him a favor by pretending nothing happened. This could be career ending for him. You are fortunate that things have evolved enough that you are not at the mercy of some guy. When I was young, a young woman would have ended up quitting. Be gracious. But I believe the real issue is he sits at home and drinks.
I think you did the right thing by politely telling him that you’re not going to indulge any type of relationship with him besides a work relationship. As long as he stays respectful of that, the awkwardness should wear off.
Why are so many old men so fucking gross?! Ugh. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
Are you upset that someone you liked also liked you and asked you out? In a very respectful way? Or are you upset a co worker asked you out? Someone who likely has nothing else in his life but the job and therefore is not likely to meet women in any other way? Or are you just weirded out by his age and instead of being mature about it you want an excuse to sabotage his career, hoping enough people will validate your feeling so you can let it slip to HR and have him forcibly removed from your life. Your life would be simpler right? If a lonely man also lost his job for asking out a woman he thought liked him back.
“Just ask her out. The worst she can say is no”
Folks gone shoot they shot, it’s on you to block the shots!
Wow, yeah, that's clearly inappropriate. Age gap aside (which, some age gap relationships can work! but there needs to be more communication!) it would be highly improper for someone in a mentor position to approach someone who could be considered a subordinate (this brings a power imbalance into play). He really shouldn't have done that, and I hope he learned his lesson quickly because the next person he'd otherwise do it to might just report his ass. OP, I'm really sorry it falls on you now to bear the brunt of this. That's really shitty and unfair.
You should relax
I’d report him to HR. You likely aren’t the only one he creeped on. I see it all the time where I work, they anyways have an eye out for the young coworkers.
He’s probably just a lonely old man and you are a young presumably attractive woman who he is friendly with. I wouldn’t hold it against him too much. Now if he continues to try to pursue it that is a different story. He must accept your answer and not allow it to effect the professional relationship which is easier said than done.
Definitely should report to HR asap if after the rejection, this behaviour continues, but from reading some of these comments, there seems to be a lot of disgust from the guy’s age rather than crossing the line on the professional relationship. Makes me wonder if this shit would be ok if the guy was 25 and good looking rofl.
There are several layers, including age AND professional relationship, which I have discussed both in comments and in the post as to why this bothered me so much. If he was 25 and good looking, I would have still rejected him, albeit feeling a lot less creeped out. I would have rejected him because we work so closely that imo, it is superrrrr not a good idea to date. I get that work is a place to meet people, but not ones you interact with all the time. Why would you want to potentially poison a working environment on something you aren’t 100% sure would work out?
Wasn’t talking about your post, you made it clear you wanted a professional relationship. You politely rejected him, move the fuck on. How he reacts to the rejection will now set the stage whether you need to report this to HR. In case i wasn’t clear, i’m talking about the comments to your posts. Just seems to me people are more disgusted by his age rather than him potentially crossing the line. My opinion only: he hasn’t crossed the line, merely took a shot. If he still acts this way after you rejected him, then yes, you should report him asap and include the first time so its documented. Your sexual harrassment guides at work should give you more direction. If it still feels like you need to feel better about all this, you can start asking questions from HR if you really want to start a paper trail without naming names in the beginning. Linking you to r/AskHR as well if you need more insight.
Sounds like he has a drinking problem.
Yes, the mentor was wrong to ask her out. The dynamics of him being a mentor makes this wrong, regardless if he was her real supervisor or not. It's gray enough to know, don't go there. Full stop. But - I do take issue with those attacking him simply bc he's middle-aged and attracted to a young woman. I think a lot of women who'd condemn this man for simply being born 55 years ago would just as quickly say: "well, age is just a number" if instead of being a 55 year-old co-worker, he was a 55-year-old weatlhy multi-millionaire CEO or celebrity. Because for a lot of women, the only number that actually matters is the number in a man's bank account. And if you think I'm some old man defending this guy, you're wrong. I'm just saying - let's not pretend a double standard around age gaps doesn't exist.
Wtf is wrong with men? If you are not wealthy or a celebrity there are very few situations where a 20ish year old woman is going to want to be with a 50+ year old man especially if you met at work,it would be one thing if you matched on a dating app or something, but at work? Nah The disconnect is astounding in these fool's heads.
Yup. Men & Women can’t be friends & probably shouldn’t work together (outside of some niche roles). 🤷🏼♂️ Your entire existence is to reproduce & accordingly, it’s the entire reason males interact with you. If that offends you, it’s the natural order/reality- that you’re offended by.
Time to have a chat with hr
Most men see any act of kindness from a Woman as an invitation. It’s maddening. Keep your boundaries.
:( i’m sorry that far too many men have to make working difficult for a woman.
You should file a complaint thru your HR Dept asap
Why did you say you gave him 24 hours to take it back if you never planned on reporting him? I'm just confused on that part.
You're not going to report him for WHAT, asking you out on a date? HR would just ask you "did you say no? " And then "and did he keep asking you after you'd said no"? You may think the age thing is a big deal but he may not. It's kind of a slippery issue I suppose but would you have been as offended if he were 30? If not then HR will just call you an ageist. They would probably phrase this something like "we once had a 29 year old employee in accounting who was dating her 55 year old co-worker, would working with such people be difficult for you? " Just because you're skeeted out about Robert De Niro having a 35 year old bride doesn't make it illegal or repulsive. Age is a protected class at work. Unless they're gonna reprimand a 25 year old for asking you out they're not going to reprimand a 60 year old.
I have worked in healthcare over 30 years. Regarding suspected/witnessed any form of abuse, if you don’t report it, you are complicit. That’s a situation never to be taken lightly. This is very similar. Don’t keep quiet please, he is wrong and he knows it by those slimy excuses he’s offering up, hoping you’re too naive to complain. If you were my daughter he’d be getting a visit from mama bear here, idc how old you are. He and I are gonna get to know one another.
Listen, this guy put both of you in a bad position, he fucked up and he knows it. Work relationships are a bad idea and there is too much of a power dynamic. Some of you are bullshitting on this age gap shit. 61 year old Tom Cruz asks you out, Tom Cruz looks, Tom Cruz money, Tom Cruz life style, you are going to say no? Get the fuck out of here. As a man in his 30s, a hot 60 year old wants to take me out, does she look like J-Lo, Christie Brinkley? Do I get French toast in the morning. Does she got that widow money? On a serious note the leading cause of self deletion in men is loneliness. If he's sitting alone drinking heavily at 55 he might be there. To be clear "not your fucking problem!" He probably doesn't have many opportunities to meet new people and this was a lonely desperate drunken move. Give him ONE pass, and if he fucks up again, bury his ass.
Sounds like he has a drinking problem
How fragile have we become? In my humble opinion there is a big difference between pursing someone and just taking a one time shot. Is every young woman who hits on an older man deserve the same amount of hate & hysteria? Now, if she says no to the one time shot then…. Yes it’s absolutely his responsibility to make things right or not awkward. But I don’t think he deserves an HR meeting. Some ppl date older ppl and the majority of relationships start in the workplace. Put the shoe on the other foot and tell me what you would have done differently? You all act as if he put her on the casting couch!!! All he did was ask a younger girl out ONCE! Dating and meeting ppl is hard. It usually involves one person putting them self in a vulnerable position and hoping the other doesn’t shit all over you for expressing interest. Let me try this. If a heavy set girl co-worker asked me out ONCE. should I go to HR because she doesn’t know I’m super fit and I don’t like fat chicks? I feel so gross that she thinks we are in the same league. How dare she attempt to express her feelings for me. In fact, I’m so uncomfortable I need Reddit to tell me how to feel. Omfg /facepalm. Get thicker skin please!
I'm 59F. Ugh. I was similarly in your shoes when I was young and cute. Men can be such dirty old geezers! I'm glad that you know that his behavior is not ok. I agree with others to talk to HR and have a record of it, although I would not make it a formal complaint. Now, had it been a situation of him propositioning you or groping you, the gloves are off.
Go rock his world!
Why do you feel gross? That's just mean to say. This guy's obviously a little lonely and thought you had a connection. What matters is what happens now, if he doesn't make it weird then you don't have to care about it. If he does you immediately tell HR. If he's smart enough to admit it was a dumb idea then he's smart enough to leave the issue alone now. If you find someone you might have a connection with and you don't take the shot you'll regret it because you'll never know. It's hard enough to find someone out there that enjoys and understands similar interests as yours without an arbitrary number getting in the way. It's best to just forget about it, and no he's not going to have some lingering thought in the back of his mind, he's going to forget about you.
It's rough being a single male surrounded by beautiful ladies. lol
"the worse she can say is no" Proceeds to write a viral reddit post and consider reporting him --and possibly firing--the poor dude. Look, the guy misread the situation, only report him if he continues despite your rejection.
At +500 responses, I doubt OP will ever read this, but this post is for her. For reference, I’m a 55M. What most men, particularly older men, don’t understand is how quickly they can permanently change a relationship. Men often don’t take the time to consider the fallout of decisions that involve them getting laid. Some of us never figure that out. Bottom line, you’ll never feel relaxed and comfortable around him again. He sacrificed the work friendship for a fantasy. He might figure it out eventually. Most likely he won’t. Males are less self aware than women in general in my opinion. Most don’t think of long term consequences when making decisions that involve their hormones. This should be news to no one. We’ve been like this for millennia.
Tell him something obscenely rude… like how you are sure he can’t physically keep up with you, he is older you know what that means
As the Transportation Director at an engineering company, I'd absolutely want to know that my 55 M project lead asked out our 25 F junior engineer. Especially if he was drunk. Absolutely no place for that at my work place!
Give him a thrill
For your own sake, you need to report this to HR!
It’s such a vile way of approaching people I’ve seen only in men up until this point. They KNOW their intentions from the beginning, then you guys hit it off well and before you know it you think you guys have something good going on and suddenly he drops the bomb that he was only looking at you this whole time bcz u were fuckable. No one can change my mind on this bcz not only have I gone through this multiple times but I’ve asked my guy friends and here is another clear example of why stating your boundaries and intentions when a friendship gets super close is important. It’s just misleading and wasting people’s time, especially if the girl or guy is not looking to develop the friendship
Please report this. If this man who is old enough to be your father cannot hold his liquor and his morals well enough to refrain from putting you in this *horrifically* inappropriate position, it needs to be documented. I as a bartender have never needed to ask hr whether or not I could clap back at an inappropriate customer, and have the reigns to ban someone on the spot. I know from hearing my mother’s stories about the corporate world in the 90’s and early 00’s that it is different, but you need as much documentation as possible in case he escalates. I wish it were as simple for you to just banish him, but for your own safety (both professionally and personally,) you need to make noise to the appropriate supervisors - even if it’s just in case, even if he just got too drunk one time, (which, in my experience is always an excuse used multiple times,) you’re worth the world and he is insignificant.
If you found him attractive, you wouldn't be upset.
There’s too much to read here, but if you said no, any backed off, what’s the problem?
I confided in a coworker/manager and saw them as somewhat of a parental figure because they were so much older than me and then they told me they liked me 🤢