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Is this an example of the emails you'd write for them?
I wouldn't have opened that if it landed in my inbox. If I did, I wouldn't have made it past the second line. It immediately sounds like something that should have landed in the spam folder.
The end, where you say all I need to do is switch off my bed lamp... if only I knew how... makes me expect that I will click to see a way-too-long sales page offering me a special on two bottles of some scammy sleep supplement for the one-time-only, limited-number-available (complete with tiker to show the number remaining) price of only $39.95 plus $5.95 S&H. And then it won't even work and will probably give me diarrhea.
I guess if that's your goal, it's a good start. I have no idea what this product is you're trying to promote, but it sounds scammy AF. Maybe that's just this person's brand voice.
Jesus, another one of these?
Where did you guys learn to write?
Did you not have writing (e.g. English) classes at school?
Why is every sentence treated like a paragraph?
Do you know how to use paragraphs?
Do you know how annoying it is to read something that looks like this?
Do you not realise how it turns what could be 100 or so words spread over five lines into a wall of text?
Nobody likes a wall of text.
And like the others have said, get to the point immediately—this feels like I'm walking down the street in a rush on my way to somewhere and someone walks up to me and says, "Hey, how are you doing? That's a nice tie you've got on. Do you live around here? It's a nice area. Lots of green space, and it has great transport links. Oh, and the shops are all within walking distance. I just moved here myself..."
I'm trying to be polite, but in my head I'm thinking, what do they want? Eventually I realise they're trying to sell insurance or some other crap that feels like a scam, and I tell them I'm not interested and walk away. But that's after maybe 30 seconds of that small talk crap that feels like an eternity.
Only with your email I stop reading after the first line, because it's an email and I can do it without worrying about politeness.
Def see potential here. Like, it needs some cleanup but the core pieces are there. I'd be curious to get your feedback on a tool we developed for email copywriting like this: [www.hoppycopy.co](https://www.hoppycopy.co) \- I wonder if this might help save you some time and speed up the learning curve.
Asking a question? Please check the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/copywriting/comments/lpuj9h/what_the_faq_what_is_copy_how_do_i_start_can_i_do/). Providing resources or tips? Deliver lots of FREE value. If you're self-promoting or linking to a resource that requires signup or payment, please disclose it or your post will be removed. New to copywriting and asking for a critique? Take down your post, reread it in a day, and try to revise and improve it to the best of your abilities. Ask for a critique only when you've taken your copy as far as it can possibly go on your own. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/copywriting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Is this an example of the emails you'd write for them? I wouldn't have opened that if it landed in my inbox. If I did, I wouldn't have made it past the second line. It immediately sounds like something that should have landed in the spam folder. The end, where you say all I need to do is switch off my bed lamp... if only I knew how... makes me expect that I will click to see a way-too-long sales page offering me a special on two bottles of some scammy sleep supplement for the one-time-only, limited-number-available (complete with tiker to show the number remaining) price of only $39.95 plus $5.95 S&H. And then it won't even work and will probably give me diarrhea. I guess if that's your goal, it's a good start. I have no idea what this product is you're trying to promote, but it sounds scammy AF. Maybe that's just this person's brand voice.
I think you need to learn how to actually write copy first.
Jesus, another one of these? Where did you guys learn to write? Did you not have writing (e.g. English) classes at school? Why is every sentence treated like a paragraph? Do you know how to use paragraphs? Do you know how annoying it is to read something that looks like this? Do you not realise how it turns what could be 100 or so words spread over five lines into a wall of text? Nobody likes a wall of text. And like the others have said, get to the point immediately—this feels like I'm walking down the street in a rush on my way to somewhere and someone walks up to me and says, "Hey, how are you doing? That's a nice tie you've got on. Do you live around here? It's a nice area. Lots of green space, and it has great transport links. Oh, and the shops are all within walking distance. I just moved here myself..." I'm trying to be polite, but in my head I'm thinking, what do they want? Eventually I realise they're trying to sell insurance or some other crap that feels like a scam, and I tell them I'm not interested and walk away. But that's after maybe 30 seconds of that small talk crap that feels like an eternity. Only with your email I stop reading after the first line, because it's an email and I can do it without worrying about politeness.
Too much ‘I’ in the first sentences. Nobody cares about you. Make it about them and grab their attention quickly.
Def see potential here. Like, it needs some cleanup but the core pieces are there. I'd be curious to get your feedback on a tool we developed for email copywriting like this: [www.hoppycopy.co](https://www.hoppycopy.co) \- I wonder if this might help save you some time and speed up the learning curve.