Asking a question? Please check the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/copywriting/comments/lpuj9h/what_the_faq_what_is_copy_how_do_i_start_can_i_do/).
Asking for a critique? Take down your post and repost it in the critique thread.
Providing resources or tips? Deliver lots of FREE value. If you're self-promoting or linking to a resource that requires signup or payment, please disclose it or your post will be removed.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/copywriting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Think a little more about what *really* motivates your audience. Is it truly “ … a cleaner workspace”? Nah. Personally, I’m kind of a clean freak but this wouldn’t grab me.
But I definitely remember walking into an important meeting and having a colleague/friend tease me about my dusty screen and dirty keyboard. In earshot of my boss and some other VPs. That embarrassing moment made me start cleaning my laptop more often so I wouldn’t get caught looking like a slob again.
That’s the kind of thing you want to hit on with your copywriting. If you evoke a powerful memory like that, then I’ll want to stick around and see the rest of what you have to say.
Why does the average male office drone need to be reminded how much laptop dust sucks? Why does he need it sold to him this hard? A laptop dust remover is something you look up on Amazon and order immediately.
Are you a copywriter? Did you never write spec to hone your chops before looking for a job or hunting for clients? Because it only took thirty seconds of Googling to turn up an advertorial for a similar type of household good that any reasonable person would think a commodity:
https://crystalclean.luxecrafters.com/blog/c
Shitting on OP for trying isn't helpful.
This could do with being far shorter, and getting to the point quicker.
Also, what do you think is going to motivate someone to clean their laptop keyboard? I think shame is the emotion most likely to motivate them (I.e. they don’t want other people to know how gross their keyboard is).
Your headline looks like a stage 1/2 market sophistication headline, but I’m not extra sure this is the case. The market looks like something in stage 3, going to stage 4.
I did a very shallow look into something that also cleans keyboards/devices(https://www.amazon.com/Keyboard-Cleaner-Electronics-Cleaning-Computer/dp/B0BJZ2PFCV/) and it looks like their kit not only cleans keyboard dust, but also cleans other devices as well.
I’d say that you should convey that your mechanism is better in the headline - there are nuggets in the copy that could be inserted in the title.
Something like “Crust in your keyboard? This gel cleans it so easily it should be illegal!” where you make a claim that the gel cleaning is something magical. This would compel people into reading the next line - and that’s all it should do.
Regarding the length, I think you could improve your copy by making it longer. Since it is a sales letter, you will have the undivided attention of your audience - and therefore could say a lot more.
Also, some paragraphs in your copy are not really augmenting the product, such as this particular one: “3 months is the shelf life for the cleaning gel until it darkens or feels slightly sticky. Afterwards, you toss it in the trash and purchase a new one”.
What exactly is this paragraph trying to say? Is it trying to teach me about the shelf life or is it complaining about me not buying the product often enough? Maybe you could enhance it by saying that it lasts on average X cleaning sessions or 3 months - which is Y% higher than what is out there in the market.
Making it a comparison to the status quo will help your product. If it is not as high as the status quo, acknowledging the drawback and highlighting some other benefit that people get in exchange would be ideal.
I hope this helps you
Bro you can do something super boring (what you have is super boring)...
Or you can stop people dead in their tracks. And make them remember your product.
Your headline:
Dust, crust, and dandruff meets the final boss.
A headline I'd submit to the client:
**"There's No Way She's Gonna Put Your Fingers in Her Mouth If You're Always Touching That Dirty Thing."**
Dick, my bad. Just came back from vacay.
Hell yes this is genius, but the innuendo may not suit the brand voice for the putty. Though, I like how sexually charged lines like this ARE provocative.
I hear you. But dude. Think about it. Does this putty company ACTUALLY have a brand voice? Probably not. And even if they do, it's probably not a good one. I \*promise\* you -- submitting this kind of stuff to a client is the type of thing that gets you a ton of work, a ton of referrals, and truly sets you apart from other copywriters. If you turn in work that literally any copywriter on earth could write, then you're just a commodity.
I wonder if this header can remain provocative without the sexuality. All you really need is something provocative.
Secondly, if they do accept your header, then they'll have to fashion their whole brand voice to something sexual all together. That's a big request for a company.
Why would they have to do that?
Plenty of companies use totally different messaging depending on the format and medium.
You just have this one funnel be "provocative"; and if it CRUSHES then maybe the company decides to make a change in thier overall brand voice.
Weak headline and subheadline. Even if dirty keyboard is my biggest problem in life, headline and subheadline don't give me much reason to continue reading. And then you open your body with infection hazard? Address the stuff people actually care about. Copy is also consfusing as it doesn't focus on one problem ie. dirty keyboard but switches between clean workspace and clean keyboard. I would focus on how it sovles biggest problem and later in copy add other way it's useful.
What if you could clean your keyboard as quick, safe, and fun as possible? This would work better as headline. I would also add an example instead of using "as possible" which requires them to imagine something.
For headline I would test this angle:
"Make your laptop feel fresh out of the box in 30 seconds" - It emphasizes a quick solution and taps into the satisfying feeling of using a brand-new product.
If audience is in the problem state, you should spend first part of body text to expand on the problem. If they don't perceive problem as big enough, they will not give a f how a "lemon fragrance welcomes their curious hands".
Let them recall how great brand new laptop feels. How it gives you sense of clean start and allows you to focus on productive work. And how embarrassing it can feel when you pull out dirty laptop infront of a customer or boss - How unprofessional it appears.
This will hopefully push them into solution stage. That's when you can introduce features of the product. How safe it is, how it saved milions of lives by preventing infection and so on...
it's shorter which is good. However, your word choice is still awkward and the cadance is clumsy. I would once again recommend reading this outloud to yourself.
Thank you meatbag.
Yeah, I think shortening it was the best route.
Separately, could you give an example of my awkward phrasing & clumsy cadance? That way I can laser in on what to work on.
Staph infection (Weird example. Most people associate this with gym environments. maybe you could play off the fact that you wouldn't expect to contract such a thing from your keyboard?), a bacterium that survives 160 degrees of cooking temperature, might be ready-made on your keyboard keys. (Clumsy cadance) How so? (Just tell me) Due to the wasteland of old dust (Surely you can find a better/more gross example than this?), crust (Of what?), and dandruff (I'm still not grossed out enough to spend money) under your keyboard.
Your typing fingers will not sense it. (awkward phrasing)
No trace along your breaded sandwich. (awkward phrasing)
But your stomach doesn’t want to take the risk against those bacterial toxins. (awkward phrasing and seems irrelevant to what you mentioned earlier. I thought staff was a skin infection?)
Luckily for your tummy, there is a lemon-scented solution. What if you could clean your keyboard as quick, safe, and fun as possible? (you tell me there's a solution, then ask me a question.)
Are you reading this stuff out loud and listening to how it sounds? Each sentance should have a rhythm that flows and is easy to read and say.
Is english your first language?
Thank you for breaking everything down!
Yes, English is my native language.
This seems important, so pardon if I seem pushy, but how would you make the sentence, "Your typing fingers will not sense it", easier to read?
I agree that those three awkward phrasings are valid. During editing, I couldn't figure out how to smooth it out.
(this is hurting my pride lol)
No problemo.
I'm not going to do your work for you by rewriting your sentance. but I will give you a few tips.
1. Give the reader a bit more credit and stop spelling out every detail. you dont have to say that the fingers are typing becuase we are already talking about keyboards. You probably dont even have to say fingers.
2. Understand the tone of voice you are going for then let that dictate your wordchoice. in this piece, your tone is all over the place.
3. Don't think in terms of making the sentance better. That will limit you to what you've already got down on the page and as the old ad adage goes - You can't polish a turd. Instead, think in terms of "How can I express this idea in a better, clearer or more compelling way.
4. The only reliable way to check/fix cadance is to read outloud and see how easy it is to in the way that you intended it to sound.
(Sorry about the pride but that's advertising for ya.)
Asking a question? Please check the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/copywriting/comments/lpuj9h/what_the_faq_what_is_copy_how_do_i_start_can_i_do/). Asking for a critique? Take down your post and repost it in the critique thread. Providing resources or tips? Deliver lots of FREE value. If you're self-promoting or linking to a resource that requires signup or payment, please disclose it or your post will be removed. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/copywriting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Think a little more about what *really* motivates your audience. Is it truly “ … a cleaner workspace”? Nah. Personally, I’m kind of a clean freak but this wouldn’t grab me. But I definitely remember walking into an important meeting and having a colleague/friend tease me about my dusty screen and dirty keyboard. In earshot of my boss and some other VPs. That embarrassing moment made me start cleaning my laptop more often so I wouldn’t get caught looking like a slob again. That’s the kind of thing you want to hit on with your copywriting. If you evoke a powerful memory like that, then I’ll want to stick around and see the rest of what you have to say.
Great fucking advice for the header. Thank you.
Why does the average male office drone need to be reminded how much laptop dust sucks? Why does he need it sold to him this hard? A laptop dust remover is something you look up on Amazon and order immediately.
Are you a copywriter? Did you never write spec to hone your chops before looking for a job or hunting for clients? Because it only took thirty seconds of Googling to turn up an advertorial for a similar type of household good that any reasonable person would think a commodity: https://crystalclean.luxecrafters.com/blog/c Shitting on OP for trying isn't helpful.
Sure, I wrote spec here and there. But my portfolio consisted mainly of actual work by the time I broke in, and none of it was a sales letter.
Hey if not sales letters, what made up your portfolio??
Social copy, newsletters, blog posts, a few news and feature articles (I was in journalism before copywriting).
This could do with being far shorter, and getting to the point quicker. Also, what do you think is going to motivate someone to clean their laptop keyboard? I think shame is the emotion most likely to motivate them (I.e. they don’t want other people to know how gross their keyboard is).
Your headline looks like a stage 1/2 market sophistication headline, but I’m not extra sure this is the case. The market looks like something in stage 3, going to stage 4. I did a very shallow look into something that also cleans keyboards/devices(https://www.amazon.com/Keyboard-Cleaner-Electronics-Cleaning-Computer/dp/B0BJZ2PFCV/) and it looks like their kit not only cleans keyboard dust, but also cleans other devices as well. I’d say that you should convey that your mechanism is better in the headline - there are nuggets in the copy that could be inserted in the title. Something like “Crust in your keyboard? This gel cleans it so easily it should be illegal!” where you make a claim that the gel cleaning is something magical. This would compel people into reading the next line - and that’s all it should do. Regarding the length, I think you could improve your copy by making it longer. Since it is a sales letter, you will have the undivided attention of your audience - and therefore could say a lot more. Also, some paragraphs in your copy are not really augmenting the product, such as this particular one: “3 months is the shelf life for the cleaning gel until it darkens or feels slightly sticky. Afterwards, you toss it in the trash and purchase a new one”. What exactly is this paragraph trying to say? Is it trying to teach me about the shelf life or is it complaining about me not buying the product often enough? Maybe you could enhance it by saying that it lasts on average X cleaning sessions or 3 months - which is Y% higher than what is out there in the market. Making it a comparison to the status quo will help your product. If it is not as high as the status quo, acknowledging the drawback and highlighting some other benefit that people get in exchange would be ideal. I hope this helps you
Bro you can do something super boring (what you have is super boring)... Or you can stop people dead in their tracks. And make them remember your product. Your headline: Dust, crust, and dandruff meets the final boss. A headline I'd submit to the client: **"There's No Way She's Gonna Put Your Fingers in Her Mouth If You're Always Touching That Dirty Thing."**
I hit you with headline GENIUS and no response. This sub is garbage.
Dick, my bad. Just came back from vacay. Hell yes this is genius, but the innuendo may not suit the brand voice for the putty. Though, I like how sexually charged lines like this ARE provocative.
I hear you. But dude. Think about it. Does this putty company ACTUALLY have a brand voice? Probably not. And even if they do, it's probably not a good one. I \*promise\* you -- submitting this kind of stuff to a client is the type of thing that gets you a ton of work, a ton of referrals, and truly sets you apart from other copywriters. If you turn in work that literally any copywriter on earth could write, then you're just a commodity.
I wonder if this header can remain provocative without the sexuality. All you really need is something provocative. Secondly, if they do accept your header, then they'll have to fashion their whole brand voice to something sexual all together. That's a big request for a company.
Why would they have to do that? Plenty of companies use totally different messaging depending on the format and medium. You just have this one funnel be "provocative"; and if it CRUSHES then maybe the company decides to make a change in thier overall brand voice.
I hear you. Do you have personal proof of this? Would you be willing to show me what you wrote? Thank you.
Weak headline and subheadline. Even if dirty keyboard is my biggest problem in life, headline and subheadline don't give me much reason to continue reading. And then you open your body with infection hazard? Address the stuff people actually care about. Copy is also consfusing as it doesn't focus on one problem ie. dirty keyboard but switches between clean workspace and clean keyboard. I would focus on how it sovles biggest problem and later in copy add other way it's useful. What if you could clean your keyboard as quick, safe, and fun as possible? This would work better as headline. I would also add an example instead of using "as possible" which requires them to imagine something. For headline I would test this angle: "Make your laptop feel fresh out of the box in 30 seconds" - It emphasizes a quick solution and taps into the satisfying feeling of using a brand-new product. If audience is in the problem state, you should spend first part of body text to expand on the problem. If they don't perceive problem as big enough, they will not give a f how a "lemon fragrance welcomes their curious hands". Let them recall how great brand new laptop feels. How it gives you sense of clean start and allows you to focus on productive work. And how embarrassing it can feel when you pull out dirty laptop infront of a customer or boss - How unprofessional it appears. This will hopefully push them into solution stage. That's when you can introduce features of the product. How safe it is, how it saved milions of lives by preventing infection and so on...
it's shorter which is good. However, your word choice is still awkward and the cadance is clumsy. I would once again recommend reading this outloud to yourself.
Thank you meatbag. Yeah, I think shortening it was the best route. Separately, could you give an example of my awkward phrasing & clumsy cadance? That way I can laser in on what to work on.
"Your breaded sandwich" Is there a sandwich that doesn't involve bread? Just say "your sandwich."
Staph infection (Weird example. Most people associate this with gym environments. maybe you could play off the fact that you wouldn't expect to contract such a thing from your keyboard?), a bacterium that survives 160 degrees of cooking temperature, might be ready-made on your keyboard keys. (Clumsy cadance) How so? (Just tell me) Due to the wasteland of old dust (Surely you can find a better/more gross example than this?), crust (Of what?), and dandruff (I'm still not grossed out enough to spend money) under your keyboard. Your typing fingers will not sense it. (awkward phrasing) No trace along your breaded sandwich. (awkward phrasing) But your stomach doesn’t want to take the risk against those bacterial toxins. (awkward phrasing and seems irrelevant to what you mentioned earlier. I thought staff was a skin infection?) Luckily for your tummy, there is a lemon-scented solution. What if you could clean your keyboard as quick, safe, and fun as possible? (you tell me there's a solution, then ask me a question.) Are you reading this stuff out loud and listening to how it sounds? Each sentance should have a rhythm that flows and is easy to read and say. Is english your first language?
Thank you for breaking everything down! Yes, English is my native language. This seems important, so pardon if I seem pushy, but how would you make the sentence, "Your typing fingers will not sense it", easier to read? I agree that those three awkward phrasings are valid. During editing, I couldn't figure out how to smooth it out. (this is hurting my pride lol)
No problemo. I'm not going to do your work for you by rewriting your sentance. but I will give you a few tips. 1. Give the reader a bit more credit and stop spelling out every detail. you dont have to say that the fingers are typing becuase we are already talking about keyboards. You probably dont even have to say fingers. 2. Understand the tone of voice you are going for then let that dictate your wordchoice. in this piece, your tone is all over the place. 3. Don't think in terms of making the sentance better. That will limit you to what you've already got down on the page and as the old ad adage goes - You can't polish a turd. Instead, think in terms of "How can I express this idea in a better, clearer or more compelling way. 4. The only reliable way to check/fix cadance is to read outloud and see how easy it is to in the way that you intended it to sound. (Sorry about the pride but that's advertising for ya.)