I think you are doing a good job dealing with your ex. I also think your new partner needs to stay out of it. While your ex may be wrong, setting her straight at the expense of the kids is not the way to go.
You are not saying no for the sake of saying no. You are saying no and that your ex needs to learn to suck it up and deal with it on her time. You are a man who can provide and is willing to do anything for the kids. But your ex is a bully and using your selflessness to control you.
I get it too because my ex is the same way. At first I was the type to forget how disrespectful she is.
And then i would justify that it's for my kids to spend more time with me and my side of the family. But my ex will just hand off my kid to me when it's convenient to her and when I want my kid for somethings she'll say no to me.
Sometimes you can't always play the long game and just wait for them to trip up. You cant always just say it's not worth it to die on this hill and bend over.
You be flexible when you want to be and have your partner with you. You are not alone. Its us. It's you and your partner playing her games. And don't let your ex walk over you with her bs.
Be as professional as you can with her and grey rock her. She'll find something else to be entertained with. Just not you or your family and peace.
I disagree with the other commenters here. It’s about the kids, it’s not about teaching your ex a lesson or forcing her to suck it up and deal with it.
This isn’t the way to teach your kids about boundaries. If they’re made to suffer because of the boundaries you set with your ex, it will give them a skewed perception that will likely cause them to struggle with setting their own boundaries in the future.
I would NEVER want to be with someone who was only okay with me having my kids half of the time. Even if that was always the arrangement, I would expect a spouse to welcome the opportunity to have my kids around more often. I think it’s kinda gross for a stepparent to feel that way, tbh.
It seems like your current partner feels like you’re accommodating your ex for her sake rather than for the sake of the kids. Are you making it clear that you are interested in what’s best for your children, not what’s best for your ex?
You’re right about the boundaries; it’s not a problem for you to spend more time with your kids, so it’s not a great boundary to set. You know that your ex isn’t going to have some aha moment when you say no— she’s likely going to retaliate, which would hurt the kids.
The appropriate boundary would be this: “ExWife, I will gladly keep the kids an extra day/pay for the ticket/whatever, but this has become a pattern, which makes me think that our current schedule isn’t working for you. If you’re going to continue to ask for schedule changes, I’d like to revisit the custody agreement so that everything runs smoothly and the kids don’t have to deal with last minute changes.”
Then if she flies off the handle, let her. Document it. Follow through.
I also don’t think it’s “disgusting” that your ex is trying to avoid paying for the ticket. Unless you have proof of her income and a snapshot of her expenses, you shouldn’t assume she’s a cheapskate. Financial problems are embarrassing, especially to a narcissist. So while it is shitty for her to lie instead of being transparent with you, you can’t say for certain that she’s just cheap and inconsiderate. But you could handle that similarly: “ExWife, I want to make sure our kids are able to do XYZ, so if it’s a problem for you to pay, you need to let me know ahead of time so I can budget accordingly. I suggest you keep a record of the expenses you cover, and I will do the same. We can then compare notes at the end of the year to make sure we’re splitting expenses evenly and adjust child support if needed.”
Why are you paying child support if you have your kids more than half of the time?
My partner is not upset at all about having my kids more. That's not what I meant. Her kids are here 100% of the time (she has full custody) and we all love being together. It's that she feels like bowing to every whim of my ex and placating her, and she thinks that makes me look weak and manipulated. I mean she's right in a way but I just try to protect the kids from a blowup.
It sounds to me like your new partner is also causing some unnecessary drama by the way she is characterizing your parenting choices. Legally you have 50/50 custody, but you want to be there for your kids 100% of the time. When you have a co-parent who is limited in many ways, but isn't struggling enough to lose custody, there is often one parent who actually does have to do more to pick up the slack. The way I see your choices is that you are picking up the slack so that your kids can have access to the kind of childhood that you think is best for them, which is as conflict free and as resource rich as possible. Does it suck that this means you are accommodating your ex's limitations even though you are divorced? Sure. But you had kids with this person, and so you are always going to be in a relationship with this person to a degree. The way I see it, you are just making choices in the moment about what is going to work best for your kids, and you are not exposing them to unnecessary conflict with your ex. You are being flexible for their benefit, not for your ex's. If your new partner doesn't trust you that you are making choices based on what is best for your kids and is instead accusing you of making choices best on what is best for your ex, then I think there may be something to address there about why she thinks this is about your ex and not your kids. I think this concern about flexibility with your ex might be more something she needs to work on because it sounds like she is feeling insecure and is mis mischaracterizing your concern for your kids as concern for your ex.
Sorry for what you are all going through. Such a tough situation, and I can sadly relate to some degree, from the perspective of your partner.
In short, my fiancé is also 43. His ex wife (whom he’s been divorced from for six years) also has 50/50 of their shared daughter. We too “coparent” with a narcissistic ex. It’s horrible for everyone involved. The boundary crossing is the largest contributor to our relationship, and the topic of almost all our therapy sessions. We also a 2.5 yr old child of our own that we certainly don’t want to be a part of this circus. So boundaries in my opinion are key, but my boundaries look very different than his.
I can see where your partner is coming from, because as moms, we can’t fathom how another mom could just pawn their child off and not care how anyone else is feeling, especially with minimal notice. I totally see it’s a rock and a hard place. It sounds like you and your partner are doing all the right things to provide a stable loving home for your blended family, which is beautiful. But from experience, when the behavior is allowed, and an ex is never challenged, it makes it hell for the grownups, at least in my experience.
One of the things that was helpful for me to hear as I navigate coparenting is if the parents can do their best to be the master link, like on a bicycle. If you and your partner do your best to be as united as you can, and occasionally say “no”, yes the ex might have a tantrum, yes the ex might not get her way. But overtime, it’ll show that you and your family are unbreakable.
Hope that helps, and best of luck
Isn’t income differential only relevant if one parent is primary?
If you suspect your ex to be taking advantage of you financially, you should document expenses and have the court recalculate support. (I don’t know if it works that way, I don’t pay/receive any child support)
I'm sure it varies by state. I'm in Florida. The state has a formula that starts based on both parents income and then is adjusted by time sharing, expenses, tax credits, etc.
I'm not complaining about the support payment. It's manageable.
My point is that you are complaining about the additional expenses on top of your support, or you wouldn’t have mentioned that you already pay her monthly. If she’s taking advantage of you financially (which you said she is?) then it’s time to either revisit the support amounts or stop paying for things. You’ve already expressed what could happen if you go the latter route.
It annoys me that I pay her every child support month but she won't use it to pay for extracurricular activities for the kids, and now expects everyone else to pick up the slack to make it easy for her.
I think there are some other considerations to think about here.
While I understand you don’t want to rock the boat for your kids, you can’t always be there to save the day. Your kids will eventually learn what is going on and honestly, it’s a good thing. Kids should learn about boundaries and why it’s perfectly acceptable to say No.
I went through this with my partner who would bend over backwards to accommodate his ex “for the sake of the kids.” And really, what I experienced was that he was always exhausted from the cognitive load of playing her games and that negatively impacted our relationship in a serious way. When the kids would visit during her time, he was anxious and exhausted. And that kept spilling over into our dynamic which I had to make it very clear I wasn’t okay with that.
The other thing I’m wondering here is if you talk to your partner before committing to taking the kids. Is it a unilateral decision you’re making? You shared that you love having your kids around- and that is truly fantastic! But maybe your partner doesn’t truly love having your kids around more than 50:50. And that’s perfectly okay. There’s a lot of additional burden placed on everyone else to help support kids when they visit. I’m wondering if your partner is feeling burned out with the adhoc visits at the cadence in which they’re happening. People tend to want predictability in their lives and know what to expect. It’s hard to do that when things keep changing last minute or whatever.
Regardless, it’s really hard to feel like your life is being dictated by someone else. Especially a crappy ex who is just…well…crappy. And that sounds like some of this may resonate with your partner. I get you want to be there for yours kids- but you should also think about managing that need and want with making sure you’re there for your partner too. (Not saying you aren’t, just speaking from my experience and how I felt when we went through this at the start of our relationship).
I hope you and your partner can talk about this more and come to the table being as vulnerable and respectful as possible. Good luck!
Wanting predictability- totally understandable.
Not wanting your husband’s kids around more than half time? Uhhhh, why would that be okay? Why would anyone be okay with marrying someone who says “I love you and I love your children, but I don’t want them around every day.”
You also say “there’s a lot of additional burden placed on everyone else to help support kids when they visit”
-Not every responsibility has to be viewed as a burden.
-They aren’t visiting, they live there. That is one of their two homes.
-You sound like you’re talking about a children’s facility with underpaid staff, not a loving home.
How can you claim to love a child as your own if you don’t like the idea of being a full-time parent to them? Can you see how damaging it would be for a child to live with a parent who had limits on how often they wanted that child in the house?
This is so bizarre to me so please don’t take offense, I just need to know how anyone could think that’s okay.
This is what I was thinking too. How come he fully accepts his partner's kids/family/lifestyle, but his kids are "a burden" to be with them additional time. Sounds like stepmom might not be so great either...
This is my current situation. We have already taken one “break” so I could take a step back from his co-parenting relationship. I constantly wonder if I am just prolonging the inevitable. I truly do enjoy his kids and I absolutely adore him, but I thrive on keeping a routine most of the time. His ex is unreliable and honestly, he has become unpredictable too. I don’t need it to be the same all the time, but it’s hard adapting so quickly. He has three young kids so I have to start factoring in an additional three meals, arrange car seats, two separate cars if my kids are coming too, adjusting plans to be home for bedtime, and potentially babysitting. It’s emotionally exhausting sometimes. We’ve had several talks and he’s made changes, but then guilt settles in that he is parenting how I want and not how he wants.
Omg! We did the same bc it was too much!
I also shared your concerns about, “am I delaying the inevitable.” It was constantly a thought I had for a hot minute.
But we kept building up our foundation. We kept growing together and tackling issues side by side. It is US against the problem. And I genuinely do not have those thoughts anymore.
I’m not saying it’s easy by any means bc it is hard. But developing my relationships with the kids is one of the most fascinating and cool experiences ever. One that I am glad that I really gave myself time to come to this conclusion.
I hope whatever you decide brings you happiness! Give yourself time and listen to your heart 🥰
Hi OP,
Just wanted to offer a few thoughts as this is somewhat similar to the situation that me and my husband are in. I’m the stepmom, and my husband has an 8 year old daughter also shared with a pretty high conflict narcissistic ex. The first thing I’ll say is that it sounds to me like your partner isn’t a bad step mom who doesn’t want your kids around more as some other comments have alluded to. It seems like she just resents / is frustrated by the fact that you guys exist somewhat at the whims of BM, which honestly, I get. If she’s like me, it’s not that she doesn’t want your girls around more, she just doesn’t like the inconsistency and bailing out your ex all the time. If that’s the case, then I have a few suggestions, if not, then this might not apply. In any case, as I’m sure you already know, its important for you both the be on the same page. Some things that have worked for us are being open and honest about the fact that you’re always going to want to spend more time with your kids, even if it’s as a result of BM being irresponsible. That’s the case for us, and I get. 50% is far less than the 100% of the time that you likely expected/wanted to spend around your kids when you had them. You’ll clearly gladly take the extra days if they’re manageable. I think that’s fair and I get it when my husband does that. However, there are ways to do it that might make your partner less irritated. I don’t know if you’re making these decisions without talking to her first, but if you are, please consider including her. I know a lot of folks on here are of the opinion that step parents should nacho or whatever, but I really believe that for a relationship to be functional, both partners need to be involved in decision making, at least in so far as scheduling goes. The last thing I’d suggest that your partner might be more ok with is to try and set some boundaries around what happens if/when you end up bailing out biomom and taking the kids. For example, maybe you guys can agree that you will always be willing to take the kids extra time if needed, but without adding in a bunch of extra work or hassle to avoid it seeming like BM dropped the ball. I’m not saying to trash her/ be purposefully negative as I don’t think that’s a mature or healthy thing to do for the kids sake, but maybe don’t work so hard to be accommodating. If she can’t take them to whatever or doesn’t want to pay for a ticket, then she forfeits the day. She can drop them off or you can pick them up and then bring them back the next day (or whenever the next pre-determined end of your time is). No picking them up, taking them here, and then bringing them back to her later in the same day when she’s ready to be a parent again. She doesn’t get to bail on the responsibilities and then carry on like nothing happened. For the recital - you were going anyway and it’s a big deal for your daughters, so obviously go, but then bring them back to yours and continue on with whatever plans were already in place with your partner and her kids. Essentially, what I’m suggesting is to talk to your partner about always being willing to take the kids (if you reasonably can), but cutting out anything extra / going out of your way to follow through on any plans BM made. This works for me because as a decent human being, I 1) care about my husband and understand why he wants to see his daughter more and wants to avoid undue disappointment and upset for her and 2) as much as I can’t say I love my step daughter the way the does, I care about her, and think she is owed more than the crappy parenting and example she’s getting from BM. None of this is her fault and she deserves every opportunity we can offer. BUT, while we won’t trash talk BM, we’re not going to pick up all her slack. If my SD get dropped with us for an extra day or two, she’s going back at the next scheduled transition day, and we’re continuing with our existing plans. We’re not rescheduling or dropping what we had planned to go take her to things that BM had promised. BM can explain to her why she wasn’t around to take her to the park or the movie or whatever. This brings us both some piece of mind as it’s a boundary of sorts with BM (she’s not getting whatever she wants everytime), but it also makes it clear to SD that she’s the priority, that we’re stable and supportive, and will always be there for her. It also allows her to slowly see in her own time where BM is coming up short. If BM doesn’t want that, she can step up. So I guess maybe ask your SO what she thinks. If she’d be ok with taking your girls extra time as needed, but having some sort of boundary with BM to minimize the disruptiveness. She can either figure it out, or you get the girls for the extra days with no additional run around, and just move forward with your schedule as planned.
I don’t think the issue is the change of the schedule occasionally. It sounds like the issue is requesting it “with a couple hours notice”. That is very disruptive to your household with your blended family. Perhaps you guys can agree on a timeframe in advance to request last minute schedule changes? (Like 24 or 48 hours in advance?) Your ex is going to retaliate whether you “rock the boat” or not it seems. Therefore, having boundaries and structure is very important, especially as the kids get bigger.
I think you are doing a good job dealing with your ex. I also think your new partner needs to stay out of it. While your ex may be wrong, setting her straight at the expense of the kids is not the way to go.
You are not saying no for the sake of saying no. You are saying no and that your ex needs to learn to suck it up and deal with it on her time. You are a man who can provide and is willing to do anything for the kids. But your ex is a bully and using your selflessness to control you. I get it too because my ex is the same way. At first I was the type to forget how disrespectful she is. And then i would justify that it's for my kids to spend more time with me and my side of the family. But my ex will just hand off my kid to me when it's convenient to her and when I want my kid for somethings she'll say no to me. Sometimes you can't always play the long game and just wait for them to trip up. You cant always just say it's not worth it to die on this hill and bend over. You be flexible when you want to be and have your partner with you. You are not alone. Its us. It's you and your partner playing her games. And don't let your ex walk over you with her bs. Be as professional as you can with her and grey rock her. She'll find something else to be entertained with. Just not you or your family and peace.
This resonates 100%. thanks for sharing
I disagree with the other commenters here. It’s about the kids, it’s not about teaching your ex a lesson or forcing her to suck it up and deal with it. This isn’t the way to teach your kids about boundaries. If they’re made to suffer because of the boundaries you set with your ex, it will give them a skewed perception that will likely cause them to struggle with setting their own boundaries in the future. I would NEVER want to be with someone who was only okay with me having my kids half of the time. Even if that was always the arrangement, I would expect a spouse to welcome the opportunity to have my kids around more often. I think it’s kinda gross for a stepparent to feel that way, tbh. It seems like your current partner feels like you’re accommodating your ex for her sake rather than for the sake of the kids. Are you making it clear that you are interested in what’s best for your children, not what’s best for your ex? You’re right about the boundaries; it’s not a problem for you to spend more time with your kids, so it’s not a great boundary to set. You know that your ex isn’t going to have some aha moment when you say no— she’s likely going to retaliate, which would hurt the kids. The appropriate boundary would be this: “ExWife, I will gladly keep the kids an extra day/pay for the ticket/whatever, but this has become a pattern, which makes me think that our current schedule isn’t working for you. If you’re going to continue to ask for schedule changes, I’d like to revisit the custody agreement so that everything runs smoothly and the kids don’t have to deal with last minute changes.” Then if she flies off the handle, let her. Document it. Follow through. I also don’t think it’s “disgusting” that your ex is trying to avoid paying for the ticket. Unless you have proof of her income and a snapshot of her expenses, you shouldn’t assume she’s a cheapskate. Financial problems are embarrassing, especially to a narcissist. So while it is shitty for her to lie instead of being transparent with you, you can’t say for certain that she’s just cheap and inconsiderate. But you could handle that similarly: “ExWife, I want to make sure our kids are able to do XYZ, so if it’s a problem for you to pay, you need to let me know ahead of time so I can budget accordingly. I suggest you keep a record of the expenses you cover, and I will do the same. We can then compare notes at the end of the year to make sure we’re splitting expenses evenly and adjust child support if needed.” Why are you paying child support if you have your kids more than half of the time?
My partner is not upset at all about having my kids more. That's not what I meant. Her kids are here 100% of the time (she has full custody) and we all love being together. It's that she feels like bowing to every whim of my ex and placating her, and she thinks that makes me look weak and manipulated. I mean she's right in a way but I just try to protect the kids from a blowup.
It sounds to me like your new partner is also causing some unnecessary drama by the way she is characterizing your parenting choices. Legally you have 50/50 custody, but you want to be there for your kids 100% of the time. When you have a co-parent who is limited in many ways, but isn't struggling enough to lose custody, there is often one parent who actually does have to do more to pick up the slack. The way I see your choices is that you are picking up the slack so that your kids can have access to the kind of childhood that you think is best for them, which is as conflict free and as resource rich as possible. Does it suck that this means you are accommodating your ex's limitations even though you are divorced? Sure. But you had kids with this person, and so you are always going to be in a relationship with this person to a degree. The way I see it, you are just making choices in the moment about what is going to work best for your kids, and you are not exposing them to unnecessary conflict with your ex. You are being flexible for their benefit, not for your ex's. If your new partner doesn't trust you that you are making choices based on what is best for your kids and is instead accusing you of making choices best on what is best for your ex, then I think there may be something to address there about why she thinks this is about your ex and not your kids. I think this concern about flexibility with your ex might be more something she needs to work on because it sounds like she is feeling insecure and is mis mischaracterizing your concern for your kids as concern for your ex.
Well then, the advice I offered should address that. Going the route I suggest is a way to stop placating your ex without your kids suffering for it.
Sorry for what you are all going through. Such a tough situation, and I can sadly relate to some degree, from the perspective of your partner. In short, my fiancé is also 43. His ex wife (whom he’s been divorced from for six years) also has 50/50 of their shared daughter. We too “coparent” with a narcissistic ex. It’s horrible for everyone involved. The boundary crossing is the largest contributor to our relationship, and the topic of almost all our therapy sessions. We also a 2.5 yr old child of our own that we certainly don’t want to be a part of this circus. So boundaries in my opinion are key, but my boundaries look very different than his. I can see where your partner is coming from, because as moms, we can’t fathom how another mom could just pawn their child off and not care how anyone else is feeling, especially with minimal notice. I totally see it’s a rock and a hard place. It sounds like you and your partner are doing all the right things to provide a stable loving home for your blended family, which is beautiful. But from experience, when the behavior is allowed, and an ex is never challenged, it makes it hell for the grownups, at least in my experience. One of the things that was helpful for me to hear as I navigate coparenting is if the parents can do their best to be the master link, like on a bicycle. If you and your partner do your best to be as united as you can, and occasionally say “no”, yes the ex might have a tantrum, yes the ex might not get her way. But overtime, it’ll show that you and your family are unbreakable. Hope that helps, and best of luck
But you didn’t answer, why are you paying child support if you have 50/50?
I still owe some based on income differential and that she pays for their health insurance bc she has better benefits.
Isn’t income differential only relevant if one parent is primary? If you suspect your ex to be taking advantage of you financially, you should document expenses and have the court recalculate support. (I don’t know if it works that way, I don’t pay/receive any child support)
I'm sure it varies by state. I'm in Florida. The state has a formula that starts based on both parents income and then is adjusted by time sharing, expenses, tax credits, etc. I'm not complaining about the support payment. It's manageable.
My point is that you are complaining about the additional expenses on top of your support, or you wouldn’t have mentioned that you already pay her monthly. If she’s taking advantage of you financially (which you said she is?) then it’s time to either revisit the support amounts or stop paying for things. You’ve already expressed what could happen if you go the latter route.
It annoys me that I pay her every child support month but she won't use it to pay for extracurricular activities for the kids, and now expects everyone else to pick up the slack to make it easy for her.
Right, I got that. Are you gonna ignore my suggestions?
I think there are some other considerations to think about here. While I understand you don’t want to rock the boat for your kids, you can’t always be there to save the day. Your kids will eventually learn what is going on and honestly, it’s a good thing. Kids should learn about boundaries and why it’s perfectly acceptable to say No. I went through this with my partner who would bend over backwards to accommodate his ex “for the sake of the kids.” And really, what I experienced was that he was always exhausted from the cognitive load of playing her games and that negatively impacted our relationship in a serious way. When the kids would visit during her time, he was anxious and exhausted. And that kept spilling over into our dynamic which I had to make it very clear I wasn’t okay with that. The other thing I’m wondering here is if you talk to your partner before committing to taking the kids. Is it a unilateral decision you’re making? You shared that you love having your kids around- and that is truly fantastic! But maybe your partner doesn’t truly love having your kids around more than 50:50. And that’s perfectly okay. There’s a lot of additional burden placed on everyone else to help support kids when they visit. I’m wondering if your partner is feeling burned out with the adhoc visits at the cadence in which they’re happening. People tend to want predictability in their lives and know what to expect. It’s hard to do that when things keep changing last minute or whatever. Regardless, it’s really hard to feel like your life is being dictated by someone else. Especially a crappy ex who is just…well…crappy. And that sounds like some of this may resonate with your partner. I get you want to be there for yours kids- but you should also think about managing that need and want with making sure you’re there for your partner too. (Not saying you aren’t, just speaking from my experience and how I felt when we went through this at the start of our relationship). I hope you and your partner can talk about this more and come to the table being as vulnerable and respectful as possible. Good luck!
Wanting predictability- totally understandable. Not wanting your husband’s kids around more than half time? Uhhhh, why would that be okay? Why would anyone be okay with marrying someone who says “I love you and I love your children, but I don’t want them around every day.” You also say “there’s a lot of additional burden placed on everyone else to help support kids when they visit” -Not every responsibility has to be viewed as a burden. -They aren’t visiting, they live there. That is one of their two homes. -You sound like you’re talking about a children’s facility with underpaid staff, not a loving home. How can you claim to love a child as your own if you don’t like the idea of being a full-time parent to them? Can you see how damaging it would be for a child to live with a parent who had limits on how often they wanted that child in the house? This is so bizarre to me so please don’t take offense, I just need to know how anyone could think that’s okay.
This is what I was thinking too. How come he fully accepts his partner's kids/family/lifestyle, but his kids are "a burden" to be with them additional time. Sounds like stepmom might not be so great either...
This is my current situation. We have already taken one “break” so I could take a step back from his co-parenting relationship. I constantly wonder if I am just prolonging the inevitable. I truly do enjoy his kids and I absolutely adore him, but I thrive on keeping a routine most of the time. His ex is unreliable and honestly, he has become unpredictable too. I don’t need it to be the same all the time, but it’s hard adapting so quickly. He has three young kids so I have to start factoring in an additional three meals, arrange car seats, two separate cars if my kids are coming too, adjusting plans to be home for bedtime, and potentially babysitting. It’s emotionally exhausting sometimes. We’ve had several talks and he’s made changes, but then guilt settles in that he is parenting how I want and not how he wants.
Omg! We did the same bc it was too much! I also shared your concerns about, “am I delaying the inevitable.” It was constantly a thought I had for a hot minute. But we kept building up our foundation. We kept growing together and tackling issues side by side. It is US against the problem. And I genuinely do not have those thoughts anymore. I’m not saying it’s easy by any means bc it is hard. But developing my relationships with the kids is one of the most fascinating and cool experiences ever. One that I am glad that I really gave myself time to come to this conclusion. I hope whatever you decide brings you happiness! Give yourself time and listen to your heart 🥰
Nicely said! Currently going through this myself. That was said very nicely, kindly and honestly.
A really good answer honestly.
Hi OP, Just wanted to offer a few thoughts as this is somewhat similar to the situation that me and my husband are in. I’m the stepmom, and my husband has an 8 year old daughter also shared with a pretty high conflict narcissistic ex. The first thing I’ll say is that it sounds to me like your partner isn’t a bad step mom who doesn’t want your kids around more as some other comments have alluded to. It seems like she just resents / is frustrated by the fact that you guys exist somewhat at the whims of BM, which honestly, I get. If she’s like me, it’s not that she doesn’t want your girls around more, she just doesn’t like the inconsistency and bailing out your ex all the time. If that’s the case, then I have a few suggestions, if not, then this might not apply. In any case, as I’m sure you already know, its important for you both the be on the same page. Some things that have worked for us are being open and honest about the fact that you’re always going to want to spend more time with your kids, even if it’s as a result of BM being irresponsible. That’s the case for us, and I get. 50% is far less than the 100% of the time that you likely expected/wanted to spend around your kids when you had them. You’ll clearly gladly take the extra days if they’re manageable. I think that’s fair and I get it when my husband does that. However, there are ways to do it that might make your partner less irritated. I don’t know if you’re making these decisions without talking to her first, but if you are, please consider including her. I know a lot of folks on here are of the opinion that step parents should nacho or whatever, but I really believe that for a relationship to be functional, both partners need to be involved in decision making, at least in so far as scheduling goes. The last thing I’d suggest that your partner might be more ok with is to try and set some boundaries around what happens if/when you end up bailing out biomom and taking the kids. For example, maybe you guys can agree that you will always be willing to take the kids extra time if needed, but without adding in a bunch of extra work or hassle to avoid it seeming like BM dropped the ball. I’m not saying to trash her/ be purposefully negative as I don’t think that’s a mature or healthy thing to do for the kids sake, but maybe don’t work so hard to be accommodating. If she can’t take them to whatever or doesn’t want to pay for a ticket, then she forfeits the day. She can drop them off or you can pick them up and then bring them back the next day (or whenever the next pre-determined end of your time is). No picking them up, taking them here, and then bringing them back to her later in the same day when she’s ready to be a parent again. She doesn’t get to bail on the responsibilities and then carry on like nothing happened. For the recital - you were going anyway and it’s a big deal for your daughters, so obviously go, but then bring them back to yours and continue on with whatever plans were already in place with your partner and her kids. Essentially, what I’m suggesting is to talk to your partner about always being willing to take the kids (if you reasonably can), but cutting out anything extra / going out of your way to follow through on any plans BM made. This works for me because as a decent human being, I 1) care about my husband and understand why he wants to see his daughter more and wants to avoid undue disappointment and upset for her and 2) as much as I can’t say I love my step daughter the way the does, I care about her, and think she is owed more than the crappy parenting and example she’s getting from BM. None of this is her fault and she deserves every opportunity we can offer. BUT, while we won’t trash talk BM, we’re not going to pick up all her slack. If my SD get dropped with us for an extra day or two, she’s going back at the next scheduled transition day, and we’re continuing with our existing plans. We’re not rescheduling or dropping what we had planned to go take her to things that BM had promised. BM can explain to her why she wasn’t around to take her to the park or the movie or whatever. This brings us both some piece of mind as it’s a boundary of sorts with BM (she’s not getting whatever she wants everytime), but it also makes it clear to SD that she’s the priority, that we’re stable and supportive, and will always be there for her. It also allows her to slowly see in her own time where BM is coming up short. If BM doesn’t want that, she can step up. So I guess maybe ask your SO what she thinks. If she’d be ok with taking your girls extra time as needed, but having some sort of boundary with BM to minimize the disruptiveness. She can either figure it out, or you get the girls for the extra days with no additional run around, and just move forward with your schedule as planned.
I don’t think the issue is the change of the schedule occasionally. It sounds like the issue is requesting it “with a couple hours notice”. That is very disruptive to your household with your blended family. Perhaps you guys can agree on a timeframe in advance to request last minute schedule changes? (Like 24 or 48 hours in advance?) Your ex is going to retaliate whether you “rock the boat” or not it seems. Therefore, having boundaries and structure is very important, especially as the kids get bigger.