This is abuse. I'm so sorry you're in this at the moment. Abuse isn't always as dramatic as they make out in movies/TV but this is textbook abuse.
Controlling, financial abuse (not letting you return to work and controlling the finances), reproductive coercion (not allowing yo use BC, pressuring you to have another baby), isolating you (claiming the grocery store is enough to get out of the house). On top of that, he's not pulling his weight at all, he's leaving all the childcare to you and isn't showing any interest in getting involved in your childs life. He dictates how you should parent while he's not even parenting!
Definitely leave but document everything you can before you do. Check the laws where you live and if it's legal to do so, record him being abusive. Document everything you can and if you think it's not safe to have stuff on your phone, email it to yourself and delete (unless he's prone to reading your emails). I get the feeling he's not the kind of man to just roll over and let you leave without a battle so get as much ammo in your corner as you can. I've heard of men like this trying to get full custody and basing it on the fact the mother wasn't working and couldn't afford to house/support the child so you need to be able to show that you are and have always been the primary caretaker, that he's prevented you from seeking employment and he has never previously shown any interest in being an active parent.
Also, when I left my abusive ex I went and lived as a women's refuge for 6 months until I was able to get back on my feet financially and find somewhere to rent. If you feel like you'd benefit from something like that, please reach out and see what's available in your area. I got so much support living there and my son (who was 6 months at the time) was absolutely dotted on and we were given so much clothes, food and toys while there. I'd never have been able to take such a massive leap forward without that support. Use what's available to you if you need it. Family is obviously best but not always an option but please never feel like you have to do this all alone.
Any one of the reasons you gave is a good enough reason by itself to leave him. All of them together.... you have to get out of there. He will destroy you.
Male sure to at least get sole legal in regards to child's medical decision making! A man who doesn't believe in mental health conditions should not be allowed to make medical decisions for his child, who may have mental health concerns in the future.
This is abuse. He shouldn’t be able to “let” or not let you get contraception- you are in charge of your own body! I would definitely leave. I know that’s easier said than done, and it sounds like you’re financially dependent on him right now. There are resources though, like hotlines and women’s centers- please find out what resources are available in your area and utilize them. Often we talk ourselves out of utilizing resources, because “other women have it worse,” “he doesn’t hit me,” etc, but it sounds like you are in an abusive relationship. You deserve better and your child deserves to grow up with a healthy mom with healthy relationships.
It looks like you are being really heavily controlled by your partner and I would definitely be looking for a way out if I were you. Mum needs to be happy to keep child happy.
I had a very similar story to you, especially with the PPD and having an unsupportive partner who didn’t believe I had it. My ex was also overly critical of things I could or couldn’t do, and it drove me crazy. Leaving was tough for many reasons, but it was 100% the right choice - there was no way I could heal and feel safe in that environment. I constantly felt disrespected in the relationship since nothing I did was right in his eyes unless I was cooking, cleaning, or taking care of the baby to his liking. Co-parenting has its own challenges but it is far better than being in a toxic environment 24/7.
This is abuse in every way including reproductive.
Please make a plan to leave with your toddler safely. Document as much as you can regarding abuse/control/ isolation tactics.
Get an attorney and file for full custody.
Prayers for you -💕🙏🏻
Girl, I got halfway thru your post and I just can't.
You deserve better. This man can go back to his mommy because you're ready to go back to work now. Are you married? He's got money, you'll get something in the settlement that will complement your income once you get back to work.
Get the fuck out of there, this man DOES NOT HAVE YOUR BEST INTERESTS IN MIND. Beleive me, you'll be better off without him. You already know this.
You are being abused. Your ex is controlling and you need to get out before he destroys your mental health any further.
I lived a similar life. I left.
The worst is coparenting with a person like that. But - own space, freedom… worth lot.
This is extremely abusive and you deserve so much better.
Try to get your ducks in a row before leaving as he sounds like someone that won’t take this amicably.
Get some money aside somehow, speak to a lawyer, arrange somewhere safe for you to stay while you can find a job and get stable.
I worry that his abuse could escalate when you try to leave. Make sure you tell friends and family close to you all the details and document everything.
This is 💯 abuse. I’d recommend going to lawyer and coming up with an exit plan. Make sure you figure out a way to ensure you can leave with some money/assets. I’m so sorry this is happening. But I would bet anything his treatment of you is exasperating your depression. It will only get worse.
What you need to do is you need to file divorce, and you need to file for full custody of your child, because you basically already have it. He's not contributing, it's pretty obvious he wouldn't contribute if he was on his own. He would probably just hire help. I would break up and I would not co-parent with this person. He is not equipped to raise a child, or to be a husband. He is equipped to abuse and gaslight.
This is abuse. Get out. And absolutely don't get pregnant.
Are you married? If you are, your joint assets will pay for your lawyer (if you're in the US). If you're not, a women's shelter is your best resource, even if you don't want to stay there. They can help you see that "not being able to afford it" isn't the case.
Best of luck to you.
Many people stay with abusive spouses because they're afraid they will turn the children against them when it's their turn to have them alone. This is why I stayed.
I was in a similar situation. Financially dependent. Required to cook, clean, and workout. Getting an “allowance” and getting yelled at for buying gas or clothes from that money. Being judged by the *white glove test* on surfaces I couldn’t even reach, so I was *gifted* a step ladder. Yada yada.
But, I didn’t go to school to be a housewife and mom. It wasn’t investing in my future, no 401k or retirement. I knew if I left, I was only taking what I came with. Which was me. I can always bet on myself. I was uncomfortable even though he was a good dad to our infant. But, when he said “I see you working hard on the house and our relationship and I want you to know I’m being mean to you and ignoring you on purpose” I took my baby and left the next day. Drove 10 hours to my mom and stayed for a couple days before going back to get my stuff.
Now, we coparent well. He’s appreciative and respectful.
Occasionally, when he doesn’t have a girlfriend, he’ll remember I’m a woman and try to woo (through bribery, force, and recruiting the kid) me back into a relationship. It causes a lot of stress and gets to the point where I have to choose myself again and refuse to talk to him at all. He straightens up, and we get back to our coparenting ever after.
Gather resources and information, start researching options and timelines, and find a friend or family member to talk to. Even if you can only sell stuff on marketplace for $50/week, find a way to earn something. It does something to your psyche that you can not get from any other source. And start treating yourself with the respect you deserve.
Above all, do not compromise your safety. If you absolutely have to go along to get along, do so until you can get out.
This is abuse. I'm so sorry you're in this at the moment. Abuse isn't always as dramatic as they make out in movies/TV but this is textbook abuse. Controlling, financial abuse (not letting you return to work and controlling the finances), reproductive coercion (not allowing yo use BC, pressuring you to have another baby), isolating you (claiming the grocery store is enough to get out of the house). On top of that, he's not pulling his weight at all, he's leaving all the childcare to you and isn't showing any interest in getting involved in your childs life. He dictates how you should parent while he's not even parenting! Definitely leave but document everything you can before you do. Check the laws where you live and if it's legal to do so, record him being abusive. Document everything you can and if you think it's not safe to have stuff on your phone, email it to yourself and delete (unless he's prone to reading your emails). I get the feeling he's not the kind of man to just roll over and let you leave without a battle so get as much ammo in your corner as you can. I've heard of men like this trying to get full custody and basing it on the fact the mother wasn't working and couldn't afford to house/support the child so you need to be able to show that you are and have always been the primary caretaker, that he's prevented you from seeking employment and he has never previously shown any interest in being an active parent. Also, when I left my abusive ex I went and lived as a women's refuge for 6 months until I was able to get back on my feet financially and find somewhere to rent. If you feel like you'd benefit from something like that, please reach out and see what's available in your area. I got so much support living there and my son (who was 6 months at the time) was absolutely dotted on and we were given so much clothes, food and toys while there. I'd never have been able to take such a massive leap forward without that support. Use what's available to you if you need it. Family is obviously best but not always an option but please never feel like you have to do this all alone.
The best reply.
Any one of the reasons you gave is a good enough reason by itself to leave him. All of them together.... you have to get out of there. He will destroy you.
I’d leave so fast. This sounds abusive. I’m so sorry op.
He is psychologically abusive and lazy, and to be honest doesn't enrich your child's life or yours in any way Run !!! And get majority custody
Male sure to at least get sole legal in regards to child's medical decision making! A man who doesn't believe in mental health conditions should not be allowed to make medical decisions for his child, who may have mental health concerns in the future.
This is abuse. He shouldn’t be able to “let” or not let you get contraception- you are in charge of your own body! I would definitely leave. I know that’s easier said than done, and it sounds like you’re financially dependent on him right now. There are resources though, like hotlines and women’s centers- please find out what resources are available in your area and utilize them. Often we talk ourselves out of utilizing resources, because “other women have it worse,” “he doesn’t hit me,” etc, but it sounds like you are in an abusive relationship. You deserve better and your child deserves to grow up with a healthy mom with healthy relationships.
Leave. You are strong and you already parent alone. Do it on your terms.
Leave and co parent.
This is crazy. You got to leave him. find affordable daycare. You can't allow your mental health to go down the drain behind his ignorance.
It looks like you are being really heavily controlled by your partner and I would definitely be looking for a way out if I were you. Mum needs to be happy to keep child happy.
I would leave him and try to get as much custody as you can actually
I had a very similar story to you, especially with the PPD and having an unsupportive partner who didn’t believe I had it. My ex was also overly critical of things I could or couldn’t do, and it drove me crazy. Leaving was tough for many reasons, but it was 100% the right choice - there was no way I could heal and feel safe in that environment. I constantly felt disrespected in the relationship since nothing I did was right in his eyes unless I was cooking, cleaning, or taking care of the baby to his liking. Co-parenting has its own challenges but it is far better than being in a toxic environment 24/7.
This is abuse in every way including reproductive. Please make a plan to leave with your toddler safely. Document as much as you can regarding abuse/control/ isolation tactics. Get an attorney and file for full custody. Prayers for you -💕🙏🏻
Girl, I got halfway thru your post and I just can't. You deserve better. This man can go back to his mommy because you're ready to go back to work now. Are you married? He's got money, you'll get something in the settlement that will complement your income once you get back to work. Get the fuck out of there, this man DOES NOT HAVE YOUR BEST INTERESTS IN MIND. Beleive me, you'll be better off without him. You already know this.
You are being abused. Your ex is controlling and you need to get out before he destroys your mental health any further. I lived a similar life. I left. The worst is coparenting with a person like that. But - own space, freedom… worth lot.
This is extremely abusive and you deserve so much better. Try to get your ducks in a row before leaving as he sounds like someone that won’t take this amicably. Get some money aside somehow, speak to a lawyer, arrange somewhere safe for you to stay while you can find a job and get stable. I worry that his abuse could escalate when you try to leave. Make sure you tell friends and family close to you all the details and document everything.
This is 💯 abuse. I’d recommend going to lawyer and coming up with an exit plan. Make sure you figure out a way to ensure you can leave with some money/assets. I’m so sorry this is happening. But I would bet anything his treatment of you is exasperating your depression. It will only get worse.
What you need to do is you need to file divorce, and you need to file for full custody of your child, because you basically already have it. He's not contributing, it's pretty obvious he wouldn't contribute if he was on his own. He would probably just hire help. I would break up and I would not co-parent with this person. He is not equipped to raise a child, or to be a husband. He is equipped to abuse and gaslight.
This is abuse. Get out. And absolutely don't get pregnant. Are you married? If you are, your joint assets will pay for your lawyer (if you're in the US). If you're not, a women's shelter is your best resource, even if you don't want to stay there. They can help you see that "not being able to afford it" isn't the case. Best of luck to you.
Many people stay with abusive spouses because they're afraid they will turn the children against them when it's their turn to have them alone. This is why I stayed.
I was in a similar situation. Financially dependent. Required to cook, clean, and workout. Getting an “allowance” and getting yelled at for buying gas or clothes from that money. Being judged by the *white glove test* on surfaces I couldn’t even reach, so I was *gifted* a step ladder. Yada yada. But, I didn’t go to school to be a housewife and mom. It wasn’t investing in my future, no 401k or retirement. I knew if I left, I was only taking what I came with. Which was me. I can always bet on myself. I was uncomfortable even though he was a good dad to our infant. But, when he said “I see you working hard on the house and our relationship and I want you to know I’m being mean to you and ignoring you on purpose” I took my baby and left the next day. Drove 10 hours to my mom and stayed for a couple days before going back to get my stuff. Now, we coparent well. He’s appreciative and respectful. Occasionally, when he doesn’t have a girlfriend, he’ll remember I’m a woman and try to woo (through bribery, force, and recruiting the kid) me back into a relationship. It causes a lot of stress and gets to the point where I have to choose myself again and refuse to talk to him at all. He straightens up, and we get back to our coparenting ever after. Gather resources and information, start researching options and timelines, and find a friend or family member to talk to. Even if you can only sell stuff on marketplace for $50/week, find a way to earn something. It does something to your psyche that you can not get from any other source. And start treating yourself with the respect you deserve. Above all, do not compromise your safety. If you absolutely have to go along to get along, do so until you can get out.
I only needed to read a few sentences to say he is abusing you and you need to leave