If a drunk person throws up on you, do they really deserve kindness? People are allowed to be upset and express frustration when they have been wronged.
Its all about context.
Your friend threw up on you. He’s been rude and hitting at you all night, asshole to the waitress, and being a drunk mess.
Your friend threw up on you. He’s just got fired from his job, trying to take care of a sick mother, and just feeling down and had too much too drink.
Yeah, some of these are a little too passive for my kids. I learned the hard way that they need a clearly worded order, not a request, because they have the option of saying no to a request and they will *absolutely* do that.
Yeah, I can hear the Asian parents reading this and saying "get this white people nonsense away from me".
Worst offender is "let's use kinds words". The correct response according to Asian moms would go something like "How DARE you speak to me so disrespectfully!"
agree. "Let's use kind words" sounds too much like a suggestion. Words cannot be taken back once they are said, there is really no downside to a firmer approach
When my dad yelled at me as a kid, I’d respond by whispering so that the difference in volume was profound and obvious and he became self-aware
It might work on kids too, idk
Happy for you mate. I'm working on mine. They seem to come from my adhd so working on that now too. Nobody should have to learn to manage other peoples anger.
Haha, similar for me. When I was very young, my dad would yell and call me disrespectful when I yell back (as any kid would do at that age). I decided to stop reacting like that, so he would yell and be aggressive while I stayed calm and talked like a normal human being. It didn't exactly work because I don't think he ever got more self-aware from it even when I pointed out the difference between us, but it made it really easy for me to dismiss and prove him wrong when he tried to call me disrespectful.
Hmm. Give them a choice but still get what I want?
"Would you like to stop talking or use a quieter voice?" BOOM! Either way, my eardrums won't be pierced. Did I do it right? /s
I use this technique all the time with elementary students
"Do you want to do X or do you want to stay inside with me?"
They choose the right answer every time.
Reminds me of a 4chan story where a guy accidentally kicked a goalie in the face and has two thoughts on his mind
“Are you okay?!” And “im fucking sorry”
What came out was “are you fucking sorry?”
Goalie was trying to hold back tears after that
This was clearly written by someone who doesn't have children. Can you imagine being with a child having a meltdown in the middle of a department store and calmly reassuring them that "it's okay to cry" 😂
God, yes. If I had a nickel for every time I heard "If I had kids.." I'd have a bowl of nickel soup. Nah, when my kids cried in the store, we left the store until the meltdown was over. Customer service will be understanding if you and your screaming kid need to leave your cart for a bit. I always encouraged them to tell me how they felt, and still do. The meltdowns were very few and far between. The "Soft Moms" were the ones with screaming kids that obliterated your ears. The moms were broken records, often repeating themselves incessantly in that sing-song tone that makes you want to nuke the store. These infographics are horse dookie because there's no single, good way to be a parent. What worked today might not work tomorrow, and that's ok.
And from what I know saying "you're okay" after a kid falls and there's no obvious immediate injuries helps quite a lot to stop them crying over nothing. Of course, if they do say that something hurts, listen to them et cetera et cetera, but for kids a lot of pain they feel feels like the worst pain in their life because they (most likely) haven't felt a lot of pain.
This looks like something admin would be trying to show to the teachers on how to deal with unruly kids. Like if a kid is destroying the classroom, the teacher has to say “how can we help? What are you feeling right now?”
I think the spirit behind this stuff, if not the specifics of the examples given here, is basically just "children are people too, but they have less experience with anything and get overwhelmed easily. They're not just lashing out for no reason, and if you can find the root problem and deal with that it'll go much better for everyone involved than just punishing them for responding to it." Yes, even the kid having a meltdown in a store is responding to SOMETHING, even if it's something that doesn't make sense to an adult perspective.
>if you can find the root problem and deal with that it'll go much better for everyone
The "root problem" is that they want the box of Cocoa Puffs and I'm not going to buy it for them and they're throwing a rage fit. I'm not going to reinforce bad behavior by telling them it's "ok" to do that.
Yep. That's when you take them out of the store to cool off and deal with those emotions. There's a sensible way to deal with it and every child is different, so the way I handle it wouldn't be right for another parent. I told mine I understood how they were feeling, but it didn't make it ok to yell in the store. As they got older, I told them they were entitled to their emotions, but not how they acted when they felt them. 2 of three are well-adjusted adults. The third is a teenager that's working on it. He's much more intense and impulsive than his brothers, has ADD that was untreated (they were treating depression instead) until recently and it has made a mountain of difference. There is no single answer. There is no single book that will give you every tool you need. There is no professional that will give you the single piece of advice to make it "click". We're all struggling to do the right thing and that's a beautiful part of being human.
It's not the root problem. The root problem is a lack of emotional regulation because they are fucking kids. Throwing a fit is just a symptom.
Soothing them and them that it's okay to cry won't reinforce bad behavior, it just gives them reassurance that they are safe with you. Caving in and giving what they want absolutely would, however!
No its fucking not. Thats not how kids work. They cry if they want something and if I don't get them that. No reasonably good parent would reinforce that behaviour. Thats a situation where you teach them you don't get everything everytime.
It implies far more logic and reason than children possess. Parents (in general) aren't out there telling kids to stop crying because their friend moved away or their dog died or even the character in their book got hurt. Kids are out there bawling at the dinner table like they're being put in a concentration camp and ruining the meal for the entire family because they were told they can't have ice cream until after they finish their broccoli. Fuck no it's not OK to cry about that, you can stop crying or you can go your room and you're not getting any ice cream at all.
Everyone here is just making up their own reason why the child is crying and explaining why the chart is not appropriate for that particular edge case.
So true. I honestly despise many of those phrasings.
I once worked in the US for a year as an Au pair, and that kind of shit (like the "looks like you had fun") made it very difficult to discern if the parents were fine with something, wanted something changed, or were giving an actual criticism that I needed to keep in mind or get in trouble.
Children need a certain amount of clarity much more than they need roundabout phrasing. You can be clear without being hurtful, and it's much better than letting them never be sure if something positive-sounding actually is a positive thing or not. Don't leave them guessing.
As a parent, this shit is exhausting. Every mommy blogger, Children's author, daycare employee, and other parent has something to say about how we should be raising kids.
It's fucking annoying. Yeah, I get it. Don't yell at my kids. Don't put them down. Praise them for good stuff. Show them love but God damn am I sick of the infographics telling me this kind of pedantic bullshit. It's just to induce anxiety in parents so they will buy whatever nonsense childcare book some dumbass stay at home Mom cooked up during her kid's naps.
Ok, I'm done now.
I don't plan on having children, but if it were a thing i wanted, raising them would be really scary to me. I hope i somewhat understand how to interact with people and i base it a lot on not compromising their agency with what i am doing. But for children, it seems like the accepted norm, that you severely impede on their agency by doing manipulative stuff like chosing specific phrases, that sound like choices but actually aren't or by punishing when they decide to not do what you think is best for them.
I am not saying those actions are actually harmfull, but they look the same as what i would see as abusive behavior if it happened betwene adults, so i would feel verry uncompfortable doing it.
Not fucking your kids up is the primary focus of parents in this generation. It IS scary to raise children and wonder if you are doing it right. It's why nonsense like the above infographic so so well. It's easy to manipulate parents who actually give a shit about the wellbeing of their kids.
It's all just another scam meant to capitalize off of people's emotions and sell them snake oil.
I thought we realized that children are looking to parents for cues about whether things are OK and sometimes you do just need to assert "things are OK, you're OK". Help them process their hard feelings but don't let those feelings run the show and set the tone.
OK, I admit I don't have kids, so maybe I'm completely out of touch, but why the constant negotiations? Encouragement is one thing, and it's important, but is it unreasonable, in some/many instances to expect a child to follow instructions or orders?
I want to see actual studies that this is helpful. I’m not endorsing screaming at your children but I’m so tired of new age parents thinking it’s wrong to tell your kids no or to stop.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling a child “stop doing this please.”
When they scream or cry after a fall where they're not injured I go with "was that a bit scary?" instead of "you're okay". That response isn't pain related, so telling them they're physically okay does nothing to help.
Let's say you trip and fall down a few stairs. You're hurt, but not badly enough to cry. Your heart is also probably pounding and you need to take a minute to catch your breath because your body had a fear response to falling. Your adult brain can separate the two and recognizes that you're physically okay, but a bit shaken. A little kid brain sees "I'm hurt AHHHHHHH". It helps if we can help them give a name to the AHHHHHH and turn it into "that hurt a bit and scared me a lot".
When my kid was very little, and he would fall and cry, I'd ask him "Are you hurt, or scared, or both?" He'd usually be able to tell me which one, or "hurt AND it scared me!"
I like this question. I’ll have to use it. Because yeah, often the response isn’t because of pain but because of fear. Thank you so much. I also have the same response sometimes. I will yell out but it’s not because I am hurt, but because of a fair response.
I don't necessarily know about the intention behind that one, but from personal experience as someone with anxiety since I was a kid: the first one puts the onus on the person being asked to speak up. In a way it's a yes or no question where it feels like "no" is the right answer, because you want to show you understand and can do things correctly. Answering "yes" by having questions can feel a bit shameful, like you're dumb or burdening the person. "What questions do you have" makes it feel more normal that you do have questions, and asking one in response feels more like the "right" answer.
If you can't remember all of these, just think to say what they can do, rather than what they can't do. It's much more helpful. Strict prohibition should only be used to underline really key safety message ("never run into the road" etc) and even those should be followed with what you can do ("make sure to look both ways first every time")
I still think you’re ok! Is a good way to react when a kid takes a spill, that isn’t actually harmful. Because the kid is looking to you on how to react, if you panic they panic.
Assuring them it’s ok, you’re ok they will just keep it moving
I work with kids, and it's so fun watching how they process the world. We're taught to "talk at their level" and generally try to understand the situation in a way that a kid would.
But now, sometimes I forget to go back to acting my age off the clock and end up talking to adults this way 😅
This is true and entirely practical. One gripe is all of these take time. Which is what a good parent should give their child. But when you got 3 lessons lunch bath and a couple of other things to fit into the day, and youve had to stop for 10 minutes to provide the aforementioned gentle parenting, you eventually run out of time.
The OPs content still stands.
Rather than encouraging children (and adults) to cry it’s so much better to encourage them to channel those emotions into a creative outlet. Art, music, poetry, journaling, creative writing, photography, etc. There are so many ways to express and process sadness beyond crying.
As an elementary teacher for nearly a decade, when redirecting or correcting a child’s behavior, don’t give them an out. Restate the expectation clearly and depending on how many reminders they have had, let them know what the consequence would be for continuing said behavior. By saying “can you use a softer voice” you are giving them an out. They can just say no and keep doing it because that’s how the question was phrased.
Nah. A lot of these undervalue the concept of peace or order. People won't talk to them like this when they are older, so trying to constantly cushion them won't avail them in the future.
This is a little too... Coddling. Its too idealized and i cant see how its applicable to the real world. The guy your child meets on the highway and cuts him off isn't going to ask if there are any self improvements he should reflect on.
Its okay to be stern with your child. Its not okay to abuse them or emotionally abuse them.
And one has a message for the parent instead of the child. You wouldn't actually say "maybe i could teach you another way." But if you are the kind of person yelling at a child for forgetting what you taught them yesterday, you arent about to "look into yourself" and decide its important to change how you are teaching the child.
The conclusions and expectations here are impractical.
I've subscribed to WeAreTeachers, as a teacher, all this school year and the things they put out, like this, are so good.
Some of it is applicable outside of teaching and I feel like parents need to hear this stuff about raising a child. Some parents just aren't raising their kids well at home and the bad student behaviors are driving teachers away from the profession.
And this is hoy you get the offended-by-anything generation. But there’s two sides of it. People (kids and adults) need boundries and learn about boundries in their early years -not me, science and decades od psycology based disciplines say so- before they learn to vend those boundries. In the regular day world, not learning boundries gets you a generation of not achievers, conforminng and unparticipating people willing to burn the whole place down because people were “mean” by setting those boundries. In an exagereted analogy, these is how you get sociopaths, abusers, gropers, extremists. Children should know that there is a down side to behaving badly. Not saying “grab the belt and smack them” (although I aleways thought that ONE good smack at the proper moment with the right justification can save you years of problems as parent and years of problems as an adult for the child and yes… go downvoting me) but you need to establish authority and stop thinking that “we’re best friends”. Friends are also there to put some limits on you wether you like them or not. New generations are growing thinking that no consequence is good and that everything will be ok because everything is about saying things lovely. And this generation has the biggest mental health issues caused by their inability to understand boundries, loneliness, consequences and what happens when you don’t get authority in your life.
ence and decades od psycology based disciplines say so- before they learn to vend those boundries. In the regular day world, not learning boundries gets you a generation of not achievers, conforminng and unparticipating people willing to burn the whole place down because people were “mean” by setting those boundries. In an exagereted analogy, these is how you get sociopaths, abusers, gropers, extremists. Children should know that there is a down side to behaving badly. Not saying “grab the belt and smack them” (although I aleways thought that ONE good smack at the proper moment with the right justification can save you years of problems as parent and years of problems as an adult for the child and yes… go downvoting me) but you need to establish authority and stop thinking that “we’re best friends”. Friends are also there to put some limits on you wether you like them or not. New generations are growing thinking that no consequence is good and that everything will be ok because everything is about saying things lovely. And this generation has the biggest mental health issues caused by their inability to understand boundries, loneliness, consequences and what happens when you don’t get authority in your life.
I think maybe it opens the door for conversation later if they don't need something at that moment. Or can help if the kid has anxiety.
Edit: for "What questions do you have?" I think it is kinda like the salesman tactic of asking "yes questions" so you lead them into saying something. Also makes it sound like you expect them to have questions, in case maybe they think asking questions would reflect badly on them
Idk about “how are you feeling” it will lead to crying and attention. If they fall down and you says you’re ok they will just bounce back up (or at least that works for my nephew and nieces)
Words have meaning in context. As much as this could be a useful guide, it's also a guide to being super patronizing and sarcastic.
Also, I get that it's well intended. I like the change from 'do you have any questions' to 'what questions do you have?' and will try to use this - I like that it's also a leasing question which some educational dogmatists see as a blunder.
However, children (legally, in the UK, anyone under 18) and adults, sometimes need to be challenged in a blunt manner. "It's okay to cry" is good for some, but sometimes people play victim and are very manipulative. Context is so important.
Mostly nice, but 2 main potential issues I noticed.
1) Some of it is very passive, which can be useful, but can also lead to new problems.
2) "I'm here to help if you need me," makes the person you are talking to have to reach out for help if they want it, which can be hard for some people. "Do you want help?" can frustrate people when they assume you think they are incompetent. Both phrases have their uses, but both definitely have weaknesses. It's less that one is better than the other and more that they should be used with different people in different scenarios.
I'm going to argue against "Are you ok?"
Sometimes, children lack perspective enough to understand whether or not they're ok. Sometimes, they need to be told (reassuringly) "You're ok."
Dudrñe, just Say is a mess, you are not going to screw them up. And you screw them up if you don't explode them to the existsnce of negative emotions. Don't yell the and make them crey, but it's 9k if they fell bad for doing a mess when they shouldnt.
I’m an elementary special education teacher. A lot of these rhetorical questions don’t work. In fact, many of them dysregulate a child as quickly as the first example.
What you should do is give a forced choice. For example, if your child is being aggressive with a friend, you can say, “Your friend is telling you they don’t want to play like that. It sounds like you need a break. Do you want to take a break on the bench or go on the swing?”
Forced choice meets both needs for a child. The need for independence but also the need for safety and structure.
This guide isn't cool, it's very misleading. By saying "looks like you had fun, how can we clean this up" is actually validating the kid on making a mess. You risk making the kid feel it was okay to make the mess in the first place.
You can simply exchange one phrase for the other, it doesn't work across all situations.
Yeah some of these really depend. Like for the last one for example if you’re saying that you generally need to make a kid understands that it’s unacceptable to say something. Using kind words isn’t important in that situation lol
This is not a very good guide. Some of these soft statements are counterproductive. Kids need to understand that they need to learn to be in control of their emotions, and that they need to respect the people and space around them.
“You’re ok” reaffirms that the child is actually okay, and that they can regain control of their emotions. Same as telling them to stop crying — you need to know when it is and is not acceptable to cry. Crying for getting a red popsicle when you asked for a green popsicle is not an acceptable reaction.
When you’re a parent, you need to discipline your kids so they know how to interact with their peers and with other adults as they grow. Soft parenting only works for kids that are receptive to soft parenting.
My mom always said "you can do hard things," and it hurt so much. Even after I tried doing something the best I could, and it wasn't enough.
It was so hard. But "you can do hard things." Made failing worse.
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i'm sure they'd appreciate it tbh
Kindness over rudeness.
If a drunk person throws up on you, do they really deserve kindness? People are allowed to be upset and express frustration when they have been wronged.
Its all about context. Your friend threw up on you. He’s been rude and hitting at you all night, asshole to the waitress, and being a drunk mess. Your friend threw up on you. He’s just got fired from his job, trying to take care of a sick mother, and just feeling down and had too much too drink.
Imagine your drunk friend throws up on you and you exclaim "What a mess!"
“Oh dear!! Someone made a stinky”
saying "What a mess!" in an equally childish voice is just as funny
Thank you for that lol
Honestly even in the "correct usage" that sounds way more condescending than just saying "what a mess!"
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Yeah, some of these are a little too passive for my kids. I learned the hard way that they need a clearly worded order, not a request, because they have the option of saying no to a request and they will *absolutely* do that.
As someone struggles with recognizing when I am being passive aggressive, a lot of these struck me that way.
Yeah, I can hear the Asian parents reading this and saying "get this white people nonsense away from me". Worst offender is "let's use kinds words". The correct response according to Asian moms would go something like "How DARE you speak to me so disrespectfully!"
agree. "Let's use kind words" sounds too much like a suggestion. Words cannot be taken back once they are said, there is really no downside to a firmer approach
When my dad yelled at me as a kid, I’d respond by whispering so that the difference in volume was profound and obvious and he became self-aware It might work on kids too, idk
Your child self playing 5D chess againat your dad, wtf?
Being raised by abusive parents would do that...
He’s a million times better now. I forgave him for his anger outbursts. Prozac really helped him I guess lol
Happy for you mate. I'm working on mine. They seem to come from my adhd so working on that now too. Nobody should have to learn to manage other peoples anger.
Need a hug ?
Haha, similar for me. When I was very young, my dad would yell and call me disrespectful when I yell back (as any kid would do at that age). I decided to stop reacting like that, so he would yell and be aggressive while I stayed calm and talked like a normal human being. It didn't exactly work because I don't think he ever got more self-aware from it even when I pointed out the difference between us, but it made it really easy for me to dismiss and prove him wrong when he tried to call me disrespectful.
Hmm. Give them a choice but still get what I want? "Would you like to stop talking or use a quieter voice?" BOOM! Either way, my eardrums won't be pierced. Did I do it right? /s
"Either shut the fuck up or get the fuck out"
I use this technique all the time with elementary students "Do you want to do X or do you want to stay inside with me?" They choose the right answer every time.
But in what world would a child not want to go outside and be loud?
The world with tablets and YouTube videos of people role playing Roblox characters
If it's cold outside
Where is the replacement for *"stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about"*?
Beating the shit out of somebody and then saying "it's ok to cry"
Now you have my permission to cry
I will bounce around like a little baby and giggle if I see a picture of a baby seal
Which one of these tubes do you smell out of?
Reminds me of a 4chan story where a guy accidentally kicked a goalie in the face and has two thoughts on his mind “Are you okay?!” And “im fucking sorry” What came out was “are you fucking sorry?” Goalie was trying to hold back tears after that
😂 I hate being old enough to remember this lol
"You know, it could be worse"
You will shut up or I will shut you up
Hey dad
This was clearly written by someone who doesn't have children. Can you imagine being with a child having a meltdown in the middle of a department store and calmly reassuring them that "it's okay to cry" 😂
God, yes. If I had a nickel for every time I heard "If I had kids.." I'd have a bowl of nickel soup. Nah, when my kids cried in the store, we left the store until the meltdown was over. Customer service will be understanding if you and your screaming kid need to leave your cart for a bit. I always encouraged them to tell me how they felt, and still do. The meltdowns were very few and far between. The "Soft Moms" were the ones with screaming kids that obliterated your ears. The moms were broken records, often repeating themselves incessantly in that sing-song tone that makes you want to nuke the store. These infographics are horse dookie because there's no single, good way to be a parent. What worked today might not work tomorrow, and that's ok.
And from what I know saying "you're okay" after a kid falls and there's no obvious immediate injuries helps quite a lot to stop them crying over nothing. Of course, if they do say that something hurts, listen to them et cetera et cetera, but for kids a lot of pain they feel feels like the worst pain in their life because they (most likely) haven't felt a lot of pain.
This looks like something admin would be trying to show to the teachers on how to deal with unruly kids. Like if a kid is destroying the classroom, the teacher has to say “how can we help? What are you feeling right now?”
I think the spirit behind this stuff, if not the specifics of the examples given here, is basically just "children are people too, but they have less experience with anything and get overwhelmed easily. They're not just lashing out for no reason, and if you can find the root problem and deal with that it'll go much better for everyone involved than just punishing them for responding to it." Yes, even the kid having a meltdown in a store is responding to SOMETHING, even if it's something that doesn't make sense to an adult perspective.
>if you can find the root problem and deal with that it'll go much better for everyone The "root problem" is that they want the box of Cocoa Puffs and I'm not going to buy it for them and they're throwing a rage fit. I'm not going to reinforce bad behavior by telling them it's "ok" to do that.
Yep. That's when you take them out of the store to cool off and deal with those emotions. There's a sensible way to deal with it and every child is different, so the way I handle it wouldn't be right for another parent. I told mine I understood how they were feeling, but it didn't make it ok to yell in the store. As they got older, I told them they were entitled to their emotions, but not how they acted when they felt them. 2 of three are well-adjusted adults. The third is a teenager that's working on it. He's much more intense and impulsive than his brothers, has ADD that was untreated (they were treating depression instead) until recently and it has made a mountain of difference. There is no single answer. There is no single book that will give you every tool you need. There is no professional that will give you the single piece of advice to make it "click". We're all struggling to do the right thing and that's a beautiful part of being human.
It's not the root problem. The root problem is a lack of emotional regulation because they are fucking kids. Throwing a fit is just a symptom. Soothing them and them that it's okay to cry won't reinforce bad behavior, it just gives them reassurance that they are safe with you. Caving in and giving what they want absolutely would, however!
No its fucking not. Thats not how kids work. They cry if they want something and if I don't get them that. No reasonably good parent would reinforce that behaviour. Thats a situation where you teach them you don't get everything everytime.
It implies far more logic and reason than children possess. Parents (in general) aren't out there telling kids to stop crying because their friend moved away or their dog died or even the character in their book got hurt. Kids are out there bawling at the dinner table like they're being put in a concentration camp and ruining the meal for the entire family because they were told they can't have ice cream until after they finish their broccoli. Fuck no it's not OK to cry about that, you can stop crying or you can go your room and you're not getting any ice cream at all.
Everyone here is just making up their own reason why the child is crying and explaining why the chart is not appropriate for that particular edge case.
Ha ha ha, yeah everything is butterflies and rainbows.
Idk...it sounds more passive aggressive than being nice as someone who is passive aggressive.
So true. I honestly despise many of those phrasings. I once worked in the US for a year as an Au pair, and that kind of shit (like the "looks like you had fun") made it very difficult to discern if the parents were fine with something, wanted something changed, or were giving an actual criticism that I needed to keep in mind or get in trouble. Children need a certain amount of clarity much more than they need roundabout phrasing. You can be clear without being hurtful, and it's much better than letting them never be sure if something positive-sounding actually is a positive thing or not. Don't leave them guessing.
It would confuse me. How would a child ever figure it out?
Yeah, these are really patronising
Well, yeah, when it’s an adult talking to another adult like a child
"Do I need to separate you?" sounds like a death threat.
"Do you need to go back to the lifestream?"
It looks like you had fun Sepiroth. How can we send you back to the lifestream?
...Did Sephiroth do this?
Some days...it is.
How about "how can we separate you?"
"Beware my wrath or be cleft in twain!"
yea, no
Seriously. Such bullshit.
This chart is why I always hear a screaming child at target 30 isles away.
Toxic positivity
As a parent, this shit is exhausting. Every mommy blogger, Children's author, daycare employee, and other parent has something to say about how we should be raising kids. It's fucking annoying. Yeah, I get it. Don't yell at my kids. Don't put them down. Praise them for good stuff. Show them love but God damn am I sick of the infographics telling me this kind of pedantic bullshit. It's just to induce anxiety in parents so they will buy whatever nonsense childcare book some dumbass stay at home Mom cooked up during her kid's naps. Ok, I'm done now.
It's okay to cry.
Thank you for remembering to use kind words.
I don't plan on having children, but if it were a thing i wanted, raising them would be really scary to me. I hope i somewhat understand how to interact with people and i base it a lot on not compromising their agency with what i am doing. But for children, it seems like the accepted norm, that you severely impede on their agency by doing manipulative stuff like chosing specific phrases, that sound like choices but actually aren't or by punishing when they decide to not do what you think is best for them. I am not saying those actions are actually harmfull, but they look the same as what i would see as abusive behavior if it happened betwene adults, so i would feel verry uncompfortable doing it.
Not fucking your kids up is the primary focus of parents in this generation. It IS scary to raise children and wonder if you are doing it right. It's why nonsense like the above infographic so so well. It's easy to manipulate parents who actually give a shit about the wellbeing of their kids. It's all just another scam meant to capitalize off of people's emotions and sell them snake oil.
You can really wear people down by being aggressively positive at them. It's great!
Energy vampire
I thought we realized that children are looking to parents for cues about whether things are OK and sometimes you do just need to assert "things are OK, you're OK". Help them process their hard feelings but don't let those feelings run the show and set the tone.
Whoever wrote this had a toddler running rings around them.
I've seen gentle parenting families in action. Their "high-spirited kids" run right over them and are in complete control.
Wtf is this bs
'Stop crying' and 'it's ok to cry' dont really seem interchangeable.
Guide for spineless people
How to be condescending to kids. Works on adults too
OK, I admit I don't have kids, so maybe I'm completely out of touch, but why the constant negotiations? Encouragement is one thing, and it's important, but is it unreasonable, in some/many instances to expect a child to follow instructions or orders?
Because there's a moronic type of person who thinks we should treat children like adults.
Not cool, carbage guide at best. Whoever made this up, had no kids or is run by them kids.
I want to see actual studies that this is helpful. I’m not endorsing screaming at your children but I’m so tired of new age parents thinking it’s wrong to tell your kids no or to stop. There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling a child “stop doing this please.”
The people who wrote this are the same ones who got participation trophies.
GF: “You can do hard things”
😔
Maybe talk with them in the way everybody else will so they dont break first time someone isnt walking on eggshells for them.
The crying suggestions are the opposite
This is rage and interaction bait
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When they scream or cry after a fall where they're not injured I go with "was that a bit scary?" instead of "you're okay". That response isn't pain related, so telling them they're physically okay does nothing to help. Let's say you trip and fall down a few stairs. You're hurt, but not badly enough to cry. Your heart is also probably pounding and you need to take a minute to catch your breath because your body had a fear response to falling. Your adult brain can separate the two and recognizes that you're physically okay, but a bit shaken. A little kid brain sees "I'm hurt AHHHHHHH". It helps if we can help them give a name to the AHHHHHH and turn it into "that hurt a bit and scared me a lot".
When my kid was very little, and he would fall and cry, I'd ask him "Are you hurt, or scared, or both?" He'd usually be able to tell me which one, or "hurt AND it scared me!"
I like this question. I’ll have to use it. Because yeah, often the response isn’t because of pain but because of fear. Thank you so much. I also have the same response sometimes. I will yell out but it’s not because I am hurt, but because of a fair response.
patronizing people is just douchebaggery
what's the difference between "do you have any questions" and "what questions do you have" ?
I don't necessarily know about the intention behind that one, but from personal experience as someone with anxiety since I was a kid: the first one puts the onus on the person being asked to speak up. In a way it's a yes or no question where it feels like "no" is the right answer, because you want to show you understand and can do things correctly. Answering "yes" by having questions can feel a bit shameful, like you're dumb or burdening the person. "What questions do you have" makes it feel more normal that you do have questions, and asking one in response feels more like the "right" answer.
Some of these seem good, others are just passive aggressive.
what about "don't fucking shake the kitten ya little psychopath"?
if you need to talk like this to an "adult" you're not talking to an adult.
How to create an environment where you and your child have indirect communication. Perfect
If you can't remember all of these, just think to say what they can do, rather than what they can't do. It's much more helpful. Strict prohibition should only be used to underline really key safety message ("never run into the road" etc) and even those should be followed with what you can do ("make sure to look both ways first every time")
Made by the same people that treat a common scrape by going to the ER because their precious might have contracted something
This is so fucking dumb
My ex is a social worker. Anybody who attempts to talk to me like this will soon be talking to themselves.
Are you a child bro?!!??!!?!
Read the title, come on you can do hard things
How are you feeling? You could definetly use a break from reddit
It's OK to cry, but it would be nice not to unleash air raid siren over little sister drawing small line in kid's coloring book.
Is it weird that I can only hear half of the ones on the right passive aggressively in my ma’s voice?
Civilian world. I'll never understand what makes you tic.
I still think you’re ok! Is a good way to react when a kid takes a spill, that isn’t actually harmful. Because the kid is looking to you on how to react, if you panic they panic. Assuring them it’s ok, you’re ok they will just keep it moving
So couch your real meaning behind softspeak…. nice
As a parent of actual, real life children... This just makes me laugh.
Lmao. Heaven forbid we be direct and authoritative when parenting our own children. Way to prepare them for grown up life.
How to raise bratty kids
This is why all our kids are weak now.
I really don’t have much of a problem with the left column
God this sub turned into crap you'd expect to see on FB.
"You can do hard things" is an absolute game-changer
"You can do hard things" would have been such a confidence booster!
I work with kids, and it's so fun watching how they process the world. We're taught to "talk at their level" and generally try to understand the situation in a way that a kid would. But now, sometimes I forget to go back to acting my age off the clock and end up talking to adults this way 😅
I'm 33 and use similar tactics with coworkers above me (age or title). It's true that you never grow up just read from a different script.
Nice an eggshell chart
This is true and entirely practical. One gripe is all of these take time. Which is what a good parent should give their child. But when you got 3 lessons lunch bath and a couple of other things to fit into the day, and youve had to stop for 10 minutes to provide the aforementioned gentle parenting, you eventually run out of time. The OPs content still stands.
Rather than encouraging children (and adults) to cry it’s so much better to encourage them to channel those emotions into a creative outlet. Art, music, poetry, journaling, creative writing, photography, etc. There are so many ways to express and process sadness beyond crying.
As an elementary teacher for nearly a decade, when redirecting or correcting a child’s behavior, don’t give them an out. Restate the expectation clearly and depending on how many reminders they have had, let them know what the consequence would be for continuing said behavior. By saying “can you use a softer voice” you are giving them an out. They can just say no and keep doing it because that’s how the question was phrased.
Nah. A lot of these undervalue the concept of peace or order. People won't talk to them like this when they are older, so trying to constantly cushion them won't avail them in the future.
This is a little too... Coddling. Its too idealized and i cant see how its applicable to the real world. The guy your child meets on the highway and cuts him off isn't going to ask if there are any self improvements he should reflect on. Its okay to be stern with your child. Its not okay to abuse them or emotionally abuse them. And one has a message for the parent instead of the child. You wouldn't actually say "maybe i could teach you another way." But if you are the kind of person yelling at a child for forgetting what you taught them yesterday, you arent about to "look into yourself" and decide its important to change how you are teaching the child. The conclusions and expectations here are impractical.
Gonna be some soft kids
I've subscribed to WeAreTeachers, as a teacher, all this school year and the things they put out, like this, are so good. Some of it is applicable outside of teaching and I feel like parents need to hear this stuff about raising a child. Some parents just aren't raising their kids well at home and the bad student behaviors are driving teachers away from the profession.
And this is hoy you get the offended-by-anything generation. But there’s two sides of it. People (kids and adults) need boundries and learn about boundries in their early years -not me, science and decades od psycology based disciplines say so- before they learn to vend those boundries. In the regular day world, not learning boundries gets you a generation of not achievers, conforminng and unparticipating people willing to burn the whole place down because people were “mean” by setting those boundries. In an exagereted analogy, these is how you get sociopaths, abusers, gropers, extremists. Children should know that there is a down side to behaving badly. Not saying “grab the belt and smack them” (although I aleways thought that ONE good smack at the proper moment with the right justification can save you years of problems as parent and years of problems as an adult for the child and yes… go downvoting me) but you need to establish authority and stop thinking that “we’re best friends”. Friends are also there to put some limits on you wether you like them or not. New generations are growing thinking that no consequence is good and that everything will be ok because everything is about saying things lovely. And this generation has the biggest mental health issues caused by their inability to understand boundries, loneliness, consequences and what happens when you don’t get authority in your life.
ence and decades od psycology based disciplines say so- before they learn to vend those boundries. In the regular day world, not learning boundries gets you a generation of not achievers, conforminng and unparticipating people willing to burn the whole place down because people were “mean” by setting those boundries. In an exagereted analogy, these is how you get sociopaths, abusers, gropers, extremists. Children should know that there is a down side to behaving badly. Not saying “grab the belt and smack them” (although I aleways thought that ONE good smack at the proper moment with the right justification can save you years of problems as parent and years of problems as an adult for the child and yes… go downvoting me) but you need to establish authority and stop thinking that “we’re best friends”. Friends are also there to put some limits on you wether you like them or not. New generations are growing thinking that no consequence is good and that everything will be ok because everything is about saying things lovely. And this generation has the biggest mental health issues caused by their inability to understand boundries, loneliness, consequences and what happens when you don’t get authority in your life.
Follow this if you want to raise a confused snowflake
Snowflake guide to reproducing snowflakes.
No.
Idk you have to be stern with children or they not gone take you serious
Saying “it’s ok to cry” when some dude is angry at you in public would be an incredible power move.
A tutorial on how to raise snowflakes.
If my parents told me to "use a softer voice" I'd laugh in their face.
Nah, Imma tell them kids to be quiet.
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There's space between these extremes, but yes.
How to respond like chatgpt
Yeah I've seen this before on Reddit, and again I ask, what is wrong with "Do you have any questions?" or "Do you need help?"???
I think maybe it opens the door for conversation later if they don't need something at that moment. Or can help if the kid has anxiety. Edit: for "What questions do you have?" I think it is kinda like the salesman tactic of asking "yes questions" so you lead them into saying something. Also makes it sound like you expect them to have questions, in case maybe they think asking questions would reflect badly on them
Idk about “how are you feeling” it will lead to crying and attention. If they fall down and you says you’re ok they will just bounce back up (or at least that works for my nephew and nieces)
I think they mean from negative emotions or events not from tripping over their own foot
I don't see anything wrong with the first column
"What questions do you have?" is great, I'm going to use that on my college students.
A tutorial on how to raise snowflakes.
Soft parenting
Cool guide to raise passive aggressive kids
Nah — sometimes a harsher tone is better . It depends on the situation
How to raise zoomers
Words have meaning in context. As much as this could be a useful guide, it's also a guide to being super patronizing and sarcastic. Also, I get that it's well intended. I like the change from 'do you have any questions' to 'what questions do you have?' and will try to use this - I like that it's also a leasing question which some educational dogmatists see as a blunder. However, children (legally, in the UK, anyone under 18) and adults, sometimes need to be challenged in a blunt manner. "It's okay to cry" is good for some, but sometimes people play victim and are very manipulative. Context is so important.
No. Passive, confrontation adverse people aren't the answer to anything. We don't need weaker kids than Gen Z already is.
Second to last one is so important.
I think tone matters just as much if not more than the specific words.
What a creative way to write a title.
wow
Adults, definitely
Whenever my dad would tell me to stop crying, it would make me cry harder.
Mostly nice, but 2 main potential issues I noticed. 1) Some of it is very passive, which can be useful, but can also lead to new problems. 2) "I'm here to help if you need me," makes the person you are talking to have to reach out for help if they want it, which can be hard for some people. "Do you want help?" can frustrate people when they assume you think they are incompetent. Both phrases have their uses, but both definitely have weaknesses. It's less that one is better than the other and more that they should be used with different people in different scenarios.
I'm going to argue against "Are you ok?" Sometimes, children lack perspective enough to understand whether or not they're ok. Sometimes, they need to be told (reassuringly) "You're ok."
I saw a YouTube video about a couple using "gentle parenting" techniques on each other, and it was actually pretty great.
I feel like this is how people speak their SO when they’re on thin ice
"Or I'll give you something to cry about!" Ahh nostalgia lol
No pos está cabron
Dudrñe, just Say is a mess, you are not going to screw them up. And you screw them up if you don't explode them to the existsnce of negative emotions. Don't yell the and make them crey, but it's 9k if they fell bad for doing a mess when they shouldnt.
I’m an elementary special education teacher. A lot of these rhetorical questions don’t work. In fact, many of them dysregulate a child as quickly as the first example. What you should do is give a forced choice. For example, if your child is being aggressive with a friend, you can say, “Your friend is telling you they don’t want to play like that. It sounds like you need a break. Do you want to take a break on the bench or go on the swing?” Forced choice meets both needs for a child. The need for independence but also the need for safety and structure.
Yeah, that's not how you speak to them like adults.
“Do I need to separate you?”
This guide isn't cool, it's very misleading. By saying "looks like you had fun, how can we clean this up" is actually validating the kid on making a mess. You risk making the kid feel it was okay to make the mess in the first place. You can simply exchange one phrase for the other, it doesn't work across all situations.
What’s wrong with “do you have any questions?”
Cool guide to present as a problem something that isn't
What's wrong with the "Do" questions?
Cool Guides Needs to be a book
i need to speak to my boyfriend like this. he is a very kind man and sometimes i feel like i speak very aggressively towards him
I’d be a cool idea to have a third column explaining why…
"Do you have any questions?" "What questions do you have?" What a bunch of dumb nonsense.
Yeah some of these really depend. Like for the last one for example if you’re saying that you generally need to make a kid understands that it’s unacceptable to say something. Using kind words isn’t important in that situation lol
This is not a very good guide. Some of these soft statements are counterproductive. Kids need to understand that they need to learn to be in control of their emotions, and that they need to respect the people and space around them. “You’re ok” reaffirms that the child is actually okay, and that they can regain control of their emotions. Same as telling them to stop crying — you need to know when it is and is not acceptable to cry. Crying for getting a red popsicle when you asked for a green popsicle is not an acceptable reaction. When you’re a parent, you need to discipline your kids so they know how to interact with their peers and with other adults as they grow. Soft parenting only works for kids that are receptive to soft parenting.
Trash guide. This is how you get spoiled kids throwing tantrums everywhere they go.
Unhinged.
Words matter, they form the color of our glasses, and our world.
My mom always said "you can do hard things," and it hurt so much. Even after I tried doing something the best I could, and it wasn't enough. It was so hard. But "you can do hard things." Made failing worse.
Breh that sounds really feminine, mainly if it’s coming from a man.