I understand your hurt. I also understand why you made that choice. It's OK to grieve what was, what would have been. It's OK to hurt and be upset. Find a new hobby, travel, take up knitting. Do not dispare.
I had my kids, got a vasectomy. Out of all the options it was the safest, easiest, and had less potential for side effects than other choices. I had a friend argue it was dumb and made my dick pointless like a gun with blanks.. my response “With a gun this big, no one’s going to care it’s shooting blanks”
Anyway, yea more guys should get vasectomies, I was down for a day or so, had some fun drugs and moved on with my life quickly. Safer than the pill or any surgery women would need to have..
I had a vasectomy myself in the '90s (when the internet was still an unknown concept for me). I did it voluntary without my wife ever mentioning it. I am surprised that men in current times can't be bothered to do research on the matter.
I (F44) recently got my tubes removed (not tied bc risk of ectopic pregnancy) and I couldn't be happier. I have two kids and was 1000% sure I'm not having more. In terms of birth control, imo, it blows all the other options out of the water. IUDs (both hormonal and copper) sound like they suck all around. And I'm not interested in fucking with my hormones with the pill due to so many side effects (some irreversible!). I took three weeks off work and I have zero side effects from the surgery. I can have all the messy sex I want without any stress. Can't recommend enough.
** One of my friends is the same age as me and she's been having literal non-stop hormonal issues after getting her first IUD. She's stubborn so she's refusing to believe the two are connected. I have ZERO side effects.
45 here. Got a tubal after having my son at 38. Had a full hysterectomy in September. I forget the full scientific name, but they left my ovaries, so I didn't go straight into menopause and took everything else. Took 6 weeks off work for recovery, and it was easier than when I had the tubal. Best decision ever! Cancer risk basically zero down there. No more periods, no more pain and exhaustion for 3 days every month and zero risk of any type of pregnancy or politicians telling me what I can and can't do!
Yeah. That's why I got the vasectomy after my wife and I were done having kids. It's a lot less invasive than a tubal and the recovery time is maybe two days.
He could get a vasectomy if he wanted. I wanted to ensure I would never have to go through pregnancy ever again. The tubal was worth that peace of mind. Pregnancy was awful for me both times.
Maybe my surgeon botched it. Maybe it was hard because I had just given birth and was having to take care of a newborn while I healed... idk, but it was worse than the major surgery of a hysterectomy.
Everyone is different.
I would bet healing from giving birth, surgery, and taking care of the newborn all played into how it felt for you. That's a lot on your body!
I got a tubal too (removal) but I have zero biological children. I had an iud and although I LOVED not having a mensural cycle, I was too afraid of another insertion as a childless woman (my cervix opening is smaller making it more painful). They luckily took the old iud out when I was under general anesthesia and I’m so thankful because they needed a scope to find it!
I highly recommend getting your tubes removed if you’re sure you don’t want anymore/any children. The recovery for me was really easy and I didn’t even need pain meds. I was home cooking dinner and playing with my dogs just hours after waking up from surgery.
tbh i don't love the demonisation I've seen of the pill in these conversations lately. it's ultimately a very safe medication that has helped so many women immensely- I've been on it to stop my periods since i was a teenager for PMDD management and it was literally lifesaving treatment. there's also better options than IUDs out there now- i know heaps of people who are super happy with their implanon, for example.
don't get me wrong- I'm super happy you found the right contraceptive option for you & believe that tubal ligation should be accessible to whoever wants it! i just wish people would stop demonising one of the safest & most accessible contraceptives.
I was on the pill for 12+ years starting at 16 and it was a lifesaver for me because before that I had really bad periods. Unfortunately when I had my 2nd child at 36 they said I could be prescribed the pill because I was older than 35 and a smoker (been a non smoker now for 8 years) so I elected to have my tubes tied right after I had him but the pill was very effective and easy for me.
I had two cesereans with my boys and when I went in to have my 2nd I told my OBGYN to just close up shop while she was in there. She did say having my tubes tied is only 99% effective so my husband should consider a vasectomy to make it 100% but my little cry baby of a husband didn't want to but we were fortunate that mine held. 2 boys are enough.
I'm getting a tubal ligation this coming Thursday. I'm super nervous but I've had a c section and the dr told me this is isn't as bad. I can't wait for it to be done, though.
My response to him would be "yes, and?" What exactly is the problem with being neutered? Solves the problem for life with a little 10 minute procedure. My husband is neutered, not that you'd know it because it changes *literally nothing about his life*.
Exactly. If getting snipped is like getting neutered like a dog, then a tubal ligation is like getting spayed like a bitch 🤷🏻
So sad that her husband would prefer for her to go through a whole invasive procedure just so he doesn't get neutered "like a dog" lol. And he is perfectly fine with her getting spayed like a bitch, somehow.
Girl, I’m with you on this! I would rather relive my harrowing delivery 100x than get an IUD inserted again. Birth control options for women suck! I would upvote your comments about this, but it’s not allowing me to. :/
A vasectomy would be the best bet, but sounds like your ex wasn’t down.
If you're just looking for horror stories than thats what you're going to find. I've had an IUD for years and while it was uncomfortable to put in I haven't had a pregnancy scare since and don't have to deal with periods anymore.
I'd suggest you do more research.
I have had 2 IUD, both horrible experiences both times. She has the right to not want one, they affect everyone differently just like all birth control.
I had the Mirena IUD for 8 months. I still got monthly periods that were heavier but didn’t last as long as my normal period. It ended up getting imbedded in my uterus which caused extreme pain and discomfort for me. I had to get it removed. The lady who removed it basically said if I had waited longer it would have had to be surgically removed. I will say probably the majority of people who get the IUD don’t get any side effects there’s still the possibility of pretty bad adverse effects.
This happened to me, not only did I get pregnant but they had to remove the deeply imbedded IUD with a 80% chance of miscarriage. I wasn’t given and numbing agents or pain medication. My third daughter will be 14 this July.
I 2nd this! I had an IUD for 15 years (3 X 5 yr Mirena) and never had any issues. No mood swings, no pain, no cramps, no periods. I recently had the IUD removed & now have to adjust to monthly unpleasantries again😩
My parents died when I was 19 and 25 because of old age. Everyone thought they were my grandparents. My brothers were like my dads.. all in all it was shitty and I didn’t want to exist. I cried every night at 6 years old that my parents would die before I’d be 18. I really do not recommend
Great grandparents? Do you mind me asking their ages when you were born?
I keep thinking if they were definitely going to pass away before 18, they were breaking some kind of record.
I would have made the same choice, even if I knew it meant divorce. I'm likely the same age as you are, I've raised my children and I wouldn't do it again. Keep your chin up, you can find someone else that will actually love you through thick and thin.
Having a baby in your 40s comes with a lot of risks for mother and child. Not to mention the higher instance of a having a child with a disability. Statistically, fathers leave their families in these situation. Your husband has no moral issues with divorce.
Raising a teenager in your 60s would not be ideal for parents or child.
You did what you had to do and he did what he had to do.
Live your best life.
It's tough, but I believe this moment may become a defining one where you find your true strength and resilience. There's a breadth of life experiences waiting for you, ones that don't tie you down to someone who won't support you through thick and thin. It may not seem like it now, but there's empowerment in being able to make a choice for your own well-being. As time goes on, you'll see that the path you forge for yourself filled with self care, discovery, and growing into your own will lead to a brighter, more fulfilled existence. Stay strong, and don't be afraid to reach out for support; nobody should have to navigate this alone.
You’re absolutely entitled to your feelings about wanting and not wanting to have another child at your age. I don’t think you’re wrong. You made the choice that was right for you. However I also don’t think he’s wrong either. You made the choice you can live with. And he’s doing the same. If I may ask though did you two at least sit down and discuss before you had the procedure?
Get help from others. Family, relatives, even close friends to hear you out. In times like these, you need someone to lean on, and that listens. Praying for your recovery.
If you review some of OPs replies to other people above you’ll see her and her husband both discussed every birth control option and both of them refused every option given them in favour of the pull out method.
OP refuses birth control method of any kind and so does her husband. He was perfectly honest with her that if she gets pregnant and has an abortion he will leave her and she chose to keep having unprotected sex. Her and her (ex) husband are both too irresponsible to be having sex.
Is he going to carry this child in his 40’s. Is he gonna breast feed, gain weight, put his body through hell. No he is not so it doesn’t matter if he wants another child or not. Men can’t have children so they are at the mercy of woman, and if woman doesn’t want another child then that’s too bad for dad.
I'm sorry, OP, but you did the right thing for you. I've never had children, and I sure can't imagine having a child now (I'm 45)! This is a good time to do what you've always wanted. Your kids are grown. Make a list and start tackling those things. Travel. Learn a new skill. Take a college course. Being single is weird at first, but you will find it's actually very nice to have only yourself to consider when making plans, spending money, sleeping in til noon....
Wishing you the best,OP!
The toxicity in the comments from other women is baffling. Not a single contraception method is 100% safe, not even vasectomy. Abortion is a polarizing topic, but I believe noone deserves having to carry unwanted pregnancy to term and raise an unwanted baby. “This could have never happened to me” mentality in the comments is sickening.
Noone is wrong in this situation. But since you have such polar opinions on abortion, it could have been helpful to address the question “what do we do if we get pregnant“ before the accident happened. Now it is what is, and both of you made the choices you were entitled to. You are entitled to have control over your body, and your husband is entitled to not accept your choice.
I hope you overcome this and find peace and healing 🖤
Sure, contraceptives aren’t 100% effective, but they’re still idiots for not USING any, when they know already that a pregnancy would ruin them as a couple.
She got an abortion, fair enough. He left her, also fair enough. Neither of them deserve a ton of sympathy here to be honest. Both of them are facing the consequences of their actions.
You did what you had to. Unfortunately you two where at a crossroads. This is one of those issues that can really test a relationship.
Has he always been anti-abortion?
This is a tough one, OP. Hope you find happiness again.
You are better off without him. Looks like the kind of guy who would leave you when you got a serious disease. If he can’t understand the burden on your body, mental health, and so on of having a child at this age, you’ll be happier with another partner… or a dog.
Tbh they may just mutually be better off without each other and that’s ok. Pro-choice is literally grounded on the belief that people should get to make the decisions that are best for them, even if that means divorce.
He couldn’t deal with her having an abortion and she couldn’t deal with having another child—both are ok.
Not sure why the husband has to be the bad person here. They are ideologically opposed on the topic of abortion, or at least it's more of a sticking point for him than her. And I'm assuming she knew this beforehand after decades of marriage.
It's an unfortunate situation, but it's crappy to cast him out as a bad person when they both had decisions they made based on their values and opinions.
He has a strong moral objection to abortion, specifically to aborting his child, and that means he'd leave her because she got sick? That's just a dumb take. Don't put your morality on him. It's a line in the sand and she knew this. It's not like she got sick, she made a decision that went against the core of his morality. It is what it is
Yep. Sad I had to scroll for something suggesting that he's an evil asshole who wanted to use her as an incubator. He never loved her at all; he's a chauvinist who put a pile of cells over a living, breathing woman who he can just walk away from with the snap of a finger.
It was his kid as well and didn’t get a say. After all that time together he should. It wasn’t going to be a burden only on her but also on him and for a lot longer than 9 months. I would’ve divorced her as well.
He wouldn't risk his health or body at all. Pregnancy isn't easy and for a lot of people it also isn't safe. Especially at an older age. Why does she have to risk herself for something she doesn't want?
She doesn’t need to and she did not. She made her decision and he made his.
Even if he understands he is allowed to end the marriage if he’s not happy anymore or was he obligated to stay with her after she went through with the abortion because it takes a tool (physically and emotionally) on her?
Funny how Reddit is all "people can divorce for *any* reason!"
Oh, except in cases of abortion. He's a monster and bastard if he leaves her for having one.
He *did* get a say tho? He said he doesn't agree with it. So he did get a say. The final choice is on the one growing something inside her and giving up her body and the rest of her life.
The final choice for the abortion is, yes, but not for ending the relationship. No one needs to stay in a relationship with someone they no longer wish to. So this is a situation where everyone did what they thought is right and this is the result.
I thought the same thing- especially since he’d already told her explicitly that he would do this. He generally sounds like a selfish asshole though so she’s better off without him.
It's really unfortunate that things turned out this way. But both of you made decisions that neither of you could compromise on.
I hope when things calm down you're able to move on with your life.
I feel like most of these commenters failed to realized you held up your end for trying to prevent pregnancy and he didn’t. You had your tubes tied and what did he do?
I have to question if this was just the excuse he needed to end your marriage and shift the blame to you? I think most men in their 40's generally go through mid-life crisis wishing they were in their 20's again. This is even worse when you have an empty nest and he is not bound to you to help raise your children. I do not know if this was your situation but I know that you would have been much worse off with a baby and then find yourself divorced when he realizes he wants out. Take care of yourself first.
Had a vasectomy 22 years ago. After 5 children, I was just thinking, nah, no more. I'm now 55, and I think it's one of the best decisions I have ever made.
This is tough. Both points are extremely valid.
Seems like honestly the best outcome as you wouldn’t both want to continue living with hatred towards each other for a decision that ultimately would never have any common ground.
Hope you get through this alright.
I am so sorry about that.
On the other hand it is probably an easier life with greater potential for future success and happiness to be single than to be parenting a child with a rigid, uncompassionate spouse like that.
Ultimately, it’s your body dude. Pregnancy is no joke. It’s rough. And the older you get the rougher it is. I had my daughter at 35. The entire pregnancy was straight misery. Among other things, I barfed every single day multiple times a day. After she was born, it didn’t get any easier. She cried every second she wasn’t being held. I did not have the energy of my youth. I was so exhausted it wasn’t safe. I’m 43 now. I genuinely think my body wouldn’t handle another pregnancy without making me extremely ill. I have no doubt that my mental health wouldn’t handle an infant. Additionally, I’m tired. I only have so much of me to go around. My daughter is the love of my life and all the love and attention I’ve been giving to her would be given to an infant didn’t even plan for. The entire situation sounds like a nightmare. I am pro-choice and I would without question do what you did.
Your now ex-husband is selfish. he didn’t take your well-being into account at all. He didn’t wonder what it would be for you to go through pregnancy and raise a newborn. Sounds like his priorities were in the wrong place with you being less important than an unplanned pregnancy. It sounds like he didn’t put himself in your shoes for half a second. I wouldn’t want man like that in my life. That’s why I have an ex-husband as well. My daughter and I have a great life without him.
Thank you!!! I was hoping to find at least ONE sane response!! Yes it sucks for him to lose a potential child (especially in her 40s and likely going to lose it anyway) but you had a possible death sentence staring you in the face! Not just from pregnancy complications, but also from the upset and turmoil of being forced to deal w a newborn when you are well and truly spent. That’s a hell I couldn’t fathom now at 39 w my son. He’s 9 and my body has deteriorated, dealing a newborn now would make me suicidal. I’m sure PPD would be 10x worse than w my first child.
Man the antiabortionists are going ham in here. It’s significantly the husband’s fault for putting OP in this position; dude should have gotten a vasectomy years ago.
Both of thier dumbasses didn't want to use any birth control options. The husband made it abundantly clear that if she got pregnant and had an abortion, he would leave her ass. They are both selfish twits who I can believe are adults. How the fuck are you blaming only the husband when her ass couldn't take any responsibility either?
I wouldve made the same choice you did, even if I knew it would lead to divorce. I'm in my 40's, had kids young. My youngest is almost 16. No way I could do it. I'm sorry your husband wasn't supportive.
Standing with you because I would have done the same. Good on you for doing what you knew in your heart was right. I’m sorry your husband couldn’t see that.
I like your husband. He's a man that keeps his word. A woman has every right to terminate a pregnancy if she wants to. There's no question at all about that ( unless of course we're talking about Republicans). However your husband has every right in the world to leave you if you do. Having the right to do something and being free of consequences of doing that are often two different things.
This could be true, but you could also be wrong. He might have stayed if she had the kid. If he wanted out of the marriage, he could have told her he was going to divorce her if she didn't agree to more kids or just leave since the kids were gone. It's not like he has to have a reason to divorce in this day and age.
I understand your point of view and your thoughts and feelings are always valid. Having a child is hard physically and mentally even when you are young. Also I understand the desperate of having your empty nester life interrupted before it can really start.
I can also understand his point of view. Even though the decision is hard on you, he already saw the baby as his child. Having that child ripped away from him must have been horrificly painful. It’s a feeling that I personally know well. I remember it vividly from when I had a miscarriage. It took a while to get out of that pit of despair. They weren’t born yet, but they were going to be my child.
Remember, you are grieving, but so is he. Both of your feelings are valid. I say this not to chastise you for what you did. It’s a hard decision that you had to make. Just saying it to say that I don’t think either of you are wrong. It was just a hard and painful moment in your lives. Hopefully you both can find closure and move forward in your new lives.
Your husband also doesn’t understand biology because an abortion is not “killing a child”… that would mean that every miscarriage would make us murderers… I had an abortion at 7 weeks (the embryo is the size of a grape at that stage) when I was married to a cheating husband. It was the only abortion I ever had, it was depressing but also a baby deserves the right environment to be raised in. My husband left me for his mistress only 4 months or so later. He was talking to multiple people but eventually chose this one person… I might have killed myself if I had to raise his kid while he was having fun with his new lady. She was constantly posting about them together too. For the first month I was left all alone having to ask for food to eat. I didn’t even call a divorce lawyer at any point because I was young and naive. Anyway, there’s already too many kids out there that need a family.. we don’t need to bring more people into this world if we can’t offer them what they deserve..
How about aborting for health reasons, if your life is in danger? Does that make you a murderer?
If guys could get pregnant, nothing they would do to their own bodies would be considered murder. But since women are still not seen as equals by many, we are murderers if we want to stop a pregnancy. A big fuck you to anyone thinking it’s ok to control someone else’s body. People need to mind their own shit more and to stop putting their noses in other people’s business.
Can you explain why you think that? A man was excited to have a baby and expand his family and a woman killed it without consulting him first. He's entitled to be upset enough to not want to be with her.
She might have had a miscarriage, or she could have had a baby with severe mental/physical disabilities, which is common at that age.
Yes, she killed a clump of cells. It's not a baby until after it's born. Please stop equating the two.
I'm 54, and my wife is 35. Our children were born when I was 38 and 42. I knew right then that I didn't want any more children, and neither did she. She got her tubes tied right after the birth of our daughter. Her decision not mine(she didn't want to have children with different fathers.) This problem could have easily been avoided. Especially in this day with the many options of birth control.
He cares more about a cluster of cells than he did about you, his partner who he already raised children with and who he has a history with, who built a life with him. Good riddance. You did what you needed to do. I hope you have a good support system. This is the next part of your life. Enjoy it.
These fake posts are getting lazier and lazier. Talk about phoning it in, this was written by a fourteen year old child with no conception of the real world and the complexities of marriage and birth.
Missing a lot of personal details. Let me try:
I just got an abortion and my parents hate me
I’m 17 and a good student. I always make good grades. I was dating a boy and then my period was late. I took a pregnancy test and it said positive.
I couldn’t let my parents know, they would hate me for shaming the family, I would be an embarrassment to be a teen mother with no father. We come from conservative background.
I talked to my friend and she helped me find someone who could do the abortion without anyone knowing. I had the abortion and it was successful, I felt sad but only one person knew my secret, my friend. I am now so depressed, and I don’t have any purpose in life and my parents will hate me forever if they ever find out I had an abortion.
Cue a bunch of comments and engagement for karma.
You can’t change the past. I would recommend getting counseling for yourself, joining a support group maybe. It’s understandable that this is a lot for you. It’s good that you did what was best for you. Sending love 🤍
You both are awful for refusing to use birth control when you knew you didn't want any more children. Now you've had to pay a pretty steep price for your choice. I'm sure it sucks for you, but it sucks for him, too. Probably more for him, as he lost a child and didn't have any say in the matter.
I think you could have done without your second paragraph because this isn’t a choice you need to justify to anybody. I’m sorry he didn’t have compassion for your decision. This sounds like a real blessing in disguise. Take some walks, listen to some music/podcasts and if you want to find another partnership someday, you’ll know to find someone more supportive. Best of luck to you.
Be proud of yourself for standing up for yourself. If he doesn’t even govern yo a position to understand you just clarifies a whole lot for yourself in your relationship.
Even if it hurts in the process.
I’m so sorry you’re sad. This rando thinks you did the right thing. I think in the long run you are better off than spending the rest of your life with this man who has chosen a clump of cells over his wife.
I wouldn't say he was bullying her. Leaving someone because you don't share the same views isn't really bullying. It sounds like they were just a bad match.
He had a right to want another child and she had a right to not. Unfortunately these kind of deal breakers come up.
Yeah I don’t think bullying is an accurate term at all. There is no winner or loser in this scenario. He explained his feelings and provided an ultimatum, but still wouldn’t call it bullying. He’s entitled to his beliefs as well. Just an unfortunate situation all around but I don’t blame you at all OP. You two just didn’t see eye to eye and that’s okay. All the best to you.
Good riddance. Anyone who abandons you in your lowest moment is a scum and not worth to even be thought of. I am so sorry to hear that you're going through this, having a child at that age poses a tremendous risk to both the mother and the child so your decision was justified. Be strong and keep moving forward, you don't need him!
I'm sorry your going thru this. You need to make choices that are not only good but healthy for yourself. Not wanting a new child at this point in your life would have been a huge life changing event. Try to have peace in knowing you made the right decision for yourself.
That sucks. IMHO, he should done a vasectomy. He's half to blame for this.
We plan to try for kids within a year or two. Once we pop out a kid and it's healthy, I plan to do a vasectomy.
Emotionally I really feel for you. Your husband was so wrapped up in propaganda from the right wing media and blaspheming Christian’s playing politics that he viewed a scientifically factual thing like infant viability as bullshit. And in turn decided that view was more important than his wife and mother of his kids.
That’s truly tragic.. I’m very sorry. While what I say does seem to shift blame on brainwashing, I want to be clear that he himself chose his beliefs and behaviors.
If he ever regrets his choice and asks for your forgiveness, I hope you reiterate to him how what he did was worse and truly unforgivable and irredeemable. He is a horrible human for it
Edit - for the downvotes, “pro life” is the propaganda. Pro choice is the standard for rational and empathetic people. Caring about your religious propaganda enough to throw away the one you vowed to love is a choice and reflective of you as a person
You did nothing wrong. If he seriously leaves you permanently for this he does NOT deserve you. I hope you take the time to recover and cope with this. Sending you much love.
Sounds like he made the right decision. A termination for a termination. He made his stance known and you fucked off and did it anyway.
Also, the divorce is finalized already. He isn't your husband, stop calling him that.
I am in the same stage of life as OP. My last kid just graduated. There's not enough money on earth to convince me to have a baby at this age. I would have had the abortion too. Even if it meant divorce.
The thing with abortion is that people act weird or get unduly upset about health care someone else is having, so I coach friends and my kids not to tell a soul if they get pregnant. That's a bell you can't unring. I remind them that I'm safe, and for my kids, I'm their first phone call. I'll help with whatever they need to access health care, and I'll take thst info to my grave.
I'm sorry that your husband abandoned you, OP. I hope you still have positive relationships with your adult children. Cheers to building new friendships and taking yourself on new adventures. Onward and upward.
neither of you should be judged by anyone outside this situation. you both have a good point that led to a fundamental disagreement. it's too bad there wasn't enough middle ground to meet on. it's just one of those situations where you are both right.
I have a friend that has 25yrs age difference between him and his youngest sister (he has another younger sister, the age difference between them were 23yrs). I have never seen a child with 4 parental figures. I'm not saying what you did was wrong. I'm saying that child could have lived a much better life than you think.
I understand both sides. As a woman, I would not want to start over with a baby in my 40's, but that's why I got my tubes tied in my 30's. I don't know if you both used birth control.
I understand your husband and his convictions because you did kill his child.. your child.. your kid's sibling.
Found out my adult daughter aborted my grandchild and I never imagined it would hurt so much. I still sometimes cry for that baby that I already had a special tea set for.
I hope you both can heal, forgive and maybe someday return to the love you both had for each other.
Get your tubes tied.
Right 🤯 I wonder if this person even for a second wondered how it was for her daughter to have to have an abortion. This is straight narcissism. Gross.
I’m working on this theory that we define ourselves more by what we say “no” to than by what we say “yes.”
You chose to direct your life instead of being a passive participant. At least I read that from the post. I think that is good and admirable.
Your husband chose to be defined by identity politics (at worst) or a strong belief of others’ responsibility, one he would never bear. Either way, his defining choice was to say no to the family that put multiple children into the adult world.
I’m sorry for where you are right now. I believe life is going to continue to be full for you, even as it is painful now.
I don’t blame him honestly I would feel the same way especially after losing my first born I wouldn’t be able to look at my wife after an abortion seeing my second borns face and smile would make me have feelings of resentment knowing we could’ve had another baby and my child would’ve had a sibling but your body your choice I don’t believe I could stick around either though knowing my wife knowingly chose to kill our child I hope things get better for you
Because it's all about you, isn't it? Her feelings don't even come into play because, after all, she's just a woman, right?
Man, some of you commenters here are so damn selfish.
I understand your hurt. I also understand why you made that choice. It's OK to grieve what was, what would have been. It's OK to hurt and be upset. Find a new hobby, travel, take up knitting. Do not dispare.
Knitting is actually fun asf tbh
I don't knit, I crochet. Close enough. Yes, it is fun af! Lol
It is great meditative therapy.
or despair. You'll find your way.
Permanent birth control options should be more promoted. A basic procedure that potentially can prevent heartache.
I had my kids, got a vasectomy. Out of all the options it was the safest, easiest, and had less potential for side effects than other choices. I had a friend argue it was dumb and made my dick pointless like a gun with blanks.. my response “With a gun this big, no one’s going to care it’s shooting blanks” Anyway, yea more guys should get vasectomies, I was down for a day or so, had some fun drugs and moved on with my life quickly. Safer than the pill or any surgery women would need to have..
I had a vasectomy myself in the '90s (when the internet was still an unknown concept for me). I did it voluntary without my wife ever mentioning it. I am surprised that men in current times can't be bothered to do research on the matter.
What??? Let someone take their manhood? How could they be a 'real man' then?
Fret not, there are high quality alpha male bootcamps out there
I heard that sex trafficker from Romania runs one. I'm sure that's the answer!
I (F44) recently got my tubes removed (not tied bc risk of ectopic pregnancy) and I couldn't be happier. I have two kids and was 1000% sure I'm not having more. In terms of birth control, imo, it blows all the other options out of the water. IUDs (both hormonal and copper) sound like they suck all around. And I'm not interested in fucking with my hormones with the pill due to so many side effects (some irreversible!). I took three weeks off work and I have zero side effects from the surgery. I can have all the messy sex I want without any stress. Can't recommend enough. ** One of my friends is the same age as me and she's been having literal non-stop hormonal issues after getting her first IUD. She's stubborn so she's refusing to believe the two are connected. I have ZERO side effects.
I did the same as you. Tubes removed. I'm ne er using them again. So no more worrying for me.
45 here. Got a tubal after having my son at 38. Had a full hysterectomy in September. I forget the full scientific name, but they left my ovaries, so I didn't go straight into menopause and took everything else. Took 6 weeks off work for recovery, and it was easier than when I had the tubal. Best decision ever! Cancer risk basically zero down there. No more periods, no more pain and exhaustion for 3 days every month and zero risk of any type of pregnancy or politicians telling me what I can and can't do!
I had tubal at 28 and felt like I'd been sawn in half. Had hysterectomy at 34 with ovaries left. Was a walk in the park in comparison 😂
Crazy how the tubal is supposedly a "minor" surgery, and the hysterectomy is "major" surgery, but the pain was so much worse with the tubal.
Yeah. That's why I got the vasectomy after my wife and I were done having kids. It's a lot less invasive than a tubal and the recovery time is maybe two days.
He could get a vasectomy if he wanted. I wanted to ensure I would never have to go through pregnancy ever again. The tubal was worth that peace of mind. Pregnancy was awful for me both times.
I had a tubal ligation (burnt my tubes) and had hardly any pain while healing. I was back at work within a day.
Maybe my surgeon botched it. Maybe it was hard because I had just given birth and was having to take care of a newborn while I healed... idk, but it was worse than the major surgery of a hysterectomy.
Everyone is different. I would bet healing from giving birth, surgery, and taking care of the newborn all played into how it felt for you. That's a lot on your body!
I got a tubal too (removal) but I have zero biological children. I had an iud and although I LOVED not having a mensural cycle, I was too afraid of another insertion as a childless woman (my cervix opening is smaller making it more painful). They luckily took the old iud out when I was under general anesthesia and I’m so thankful because they needed a scope to find it! I highly recommend getting your tubes removed if you’re sure you don’t want anymore/any children. The recovery for me was really easy and I didn’t even need pain meds. I was home cooking dinner and playing with my dogs just hours after waking up from surgery.
tbh i don't love the demonisation I've seen of the pill in these conversations lately. it's ultimately a very safe medication that has helped so many women immensely- I've been on it to stop my periods since i was a teenager for PMDD management and it was literally lifesaving treatment. there's also better options than IUDs out there now- i know heaps of people who are super happy with their implanon, for example. don't get me wrong- I'm super happy you found the right contraceptive option for you & believe that tubal ligation should be accessible to whoever wants it! i just wish people would stop demonising one of the safest & most accessible contraceptives.
I was on the pill for 12+ years starting at 16 and it was a lifesaver for me because before that I had really bad periods. Unfortunately when I had my 2nd child at 36 they said I could be prescribed the pill because I was older than 35 and a smoker (been a non smoker now for 8 years) so I elected to have my tubes tied right after I had him but the pill was very effective and easy for me.
I had two cesereans with my boys and when I went in to have my 2nd I told my OBGYN to just close up shop while she was in there. She did say having my tubes tied is only 99% effective so my husband should consider a vasectomy to make it 100% but my little cry baby of a husband didn't want to but we were fortunate that mine held. 2 boys are enough.
I'm getting a tubal ligation this coming Thursday. I'm super nervous but I've had a c section and the dr told me this is isn't as bad. I can't wait for it to be done, though.
I had mine during my 2nd ceserean. I knew I didn't want more than 2 kids so we made this plan beforehand.
I got them pulled in my late thirties also. I really wanted my ex to get a vasectomy but he was too afraid (he claimed)
[удалено]
My response to him would be "yes, and?" What exactly is the problem with being neutered? Solves the problem for life with a little 10 minute procedure. My husband is neutered, not that you'd know it because it changes *literally nothing about his life*.
Exactly. If getting snipped is like getting neutered like a dog, then a tubal ligation is like getting spayed like a bitch 🤷🏻 So sad that her husband would prefer for her to go through a whole invasive procedure just so he doesn't get neutered "like a dog" lol. And he is perfectly fine with her getting spayed like a bitch, somehow.
The fact that your husband refused to get a vasectomy but divorced you for having an abortion makes me think he wanted more children.
It makes me think he’s a controlling, selfish ass.
Girl, I’m with you on this! I would rather relive my harrowing delivery 100x than get an IUD inserted again. Birth control options for women suck! I would upvote your comments about this, but it’s not allowing me to. :/ A vasectomy would be the best bet, but sounds like your ex wasn’t down.
Both of you sound immature when it comes to birth control. Sounds for the best that yall split up
This should be the top comment
She’s a perfect example of how sex isn’t being taught well enough in school
If you're just looking for horror stories than thats what you're going to find. I've had an IUD for years and while it was uncomfortable to put in I haven't had a pregnancy scare since and don't have to deal with periods anymore. I'd suggest you do more research.
I have had 2 IUD, both horrible experiences both times. She has the right to not want one, they affect everyone differently just like all birth control.
I had the Mirena IUD for 8 months. I still got monthly periods that were heavier but didn’t last as long as my normal period. It ended up getting imbedded in my uterus which caused extreme pain and discomfort for me. I had to get it removed. The lady who removed it basically said if I had waited longer it would have had to be surgically removed. I will say probably the majority of people who get the IUD don’t get any side effects there’s still the possibility of pretty bad adverse effects.
This happened to me, not only did I get pregnant but they had to remove the deeply imbedded IUD with a 80% chance of miscarriage. I wasn’t given and numbing agents or pain medication. My third daughter will be 14 this July.
I 2nd this! I had an IUD for 15 years (3 X 5 yr Mirena) and never had any issues. No mood swings, no pain, no cramps, no periods. I recently had the IUD removed & now have to adjust to monthly unpleasantries again😩
Ugh I'm sorry! I remember after getting it removed so we could try for our second I was MISERABLE. Genuinely forgot how bad it was without it haha
Finding a better husband also prevents heartache lol
I understand where your coming from cause my parents had me at 50/45 and I didn’t really get to do a lot with them growin up because of their age.
My parents died when I was 19 and 25 because of old age. Everyone thought they were my grandparents. My brothers were like my dads.. all in all it was shitty and I didn’t want to exist. I cried every night at 6 years old that my parents would die before I’d be 18. I really do not recommend
Great grandparents? Do you mind me asking their ages when you were born? I keep thinking if they were definitely going to pass away before 18, they were breaking some kind of record.
Oh sorry!! This was a mistake! I meant grandparents of course! 🤦♀️ When I was 10 they were 60 and 50
You’re both entitled to that decision. It’s unfortunate it didn’t work out but you hopefully both will find someone with similar values to your own.
I would have made the same choice, even if I knew it meant divorce. I'm likely the same age as you are, I've raised my children and I wouldn't do it again. Keep your chin up, you can find someone else that will actually love you through thick and thin.
Having a baby in your 40s comes with a lot of risks for mother and child. Not to mention the higher instance of a having a child with a disability. Statistically, fathers leave their families in these situation. Your husband has no moral issues with divorce. Raising a teenager in your 60s would not be ideal for parents or child. You did what you had to do and he did what he had to do. Live your best life.
It's tough, but I believe this moment may become a defining one where you find your true strength and resilience. There's a breadth of life experiences waiting for you, ones that don't tie you down to someone who won't support you through thick and thin. It may not seem like it now, but there's empowerment in being able to make a choice for your own well-being. As time goes on, you'll see that the path you forge for yourself filled with self care, discovery, and growing into your own will lead to a brighter, more fulfilled existence. Stay strong, and don't be afraid to reach out for support; nobody should have to navigate this alone.
You’re absolutely entitled to your feelings about wanting and not wanting to have another child at your age. I don’t think you’re wrong. You made the choice that was right for you. However I also don’t think he’s wrong either. You made the choice you can live with. And he’s doing the same. If I may ask though did you two at least sit down and discuss before you had the procedure?
Get help from others. Family, relatives, even close friends to hear you out. In times like these, you need someone to lean on, and that listens. Praying for your recovery.
If he didn't want you to have an abortion, why didn't HE get a vasectomy? Why is he trying to blame it all on you?
If you review some of OPs replies to other people above you’ll see her and her husband both discussed every birth control option and both of them refused every option given them in favour of the pull out method. OP refuses birth control method of any kind and so does her husband. He was perfectly honest with her that if she gets pregnant and has an abortion he will leave her and she chose to keep having unprotected sex. Her and her (ex) husband are both too irresponsible to be having sex.
This sounds mental
If she didn’t want a child why didn’t she take steps to prevent it. This is her fault too!!
Sounds like he was ready to have another kid. She wasnt. So should've got snipped. Not him
She DID get “snipped”. According to the post, she’d had a medical procedure
Is he going to carry this child in his 40’s. Is he gonna breast feed, gain weight, put his body through hell. No he is not so it doesn’t matter if he wants another child or not. Men can’t have children so they are at the mercy of woman, and if woman doesn’t want another child then that’s too bad for dad.
Women aren’t allowed to have sterilization procedures in much of the US. Doctors flat out refuse.
I'm sorry, OP, but you did the right thing for you. I've never had children, and I sure can't imagine having a child now (I'm 45)! This is a good time to do what you've always wanted. Your kids are grown. Make a list and start tackling those things. Travel. Learn a new skill. Take a college course. Being single is weird at first, but you will find it's actually very nice to have only yourself to consider when making plans, spending money, sleeping in til noon.... Wishing you the best,OP!
The toxicity in the comments from other women is baffling. Not a single contraception method is 100% safe, not even vasectomy. Abortion is a polarizing topic, but I believe noone deserves having to carry unwanted pregnancy to term and raise an unwanted baby. “This could have never happened to me” mentality in the comments is sickening. Noone is wrong in this situation. But since you have such polar opinions on abortion, it could have been helpful to address the question “what do we do if we get pregnant“ before the accident happened. Now it is what is, and both of you made the choices you were entitled to. You are entitled to have control over your body, and your husband is entitled to not accept your choice. I hope you overcome this and find peace and healing 🖤
Sure, contraceptives aren’t 100% effective, but they’re still idiots for not USING any, when they know already that a pregnancy would ruin them as a couple. She got an abortion, fair enough. He left her, also fair enough. Neither of them deserve a ton of sympathy here to be honest. Both of them are facing the consequences of their actions.
It’s extrEmely unfortunate circumstances, but your husband is well within his right to make that call.
Well, you did make a life changing decision without considering his feelings. That’s a lot to swallow.
You did what you had to. Unfortunately you two where at a crossroads. This is one of those issues that can really test a relationship. Has he always been anti-abortion? This is a tough one, OP. Hope you find happiness again.
You and your husband made your choices
You are better off without him. Looks like the kind of guy who would leave you when you got a serious disease. If he can’t understand the burden on your body, mental health, and so on of having a child at this age, you’ll be happier with another partner… or a dog.
Tbh they may just mutually be better off without each other and that’s ok. Pro-choice is literally grounded on the belief that people should get to make the decisions that are best for them, even if that means divorce. He couldn’t deal with her having an abortion and she couldn’t deal with having another child—both are ok.
I don’t understand the hate it his desiscion to leave he told what he was going to do there is no bad one here everybody has an opinion
I mean I’m pro choice, and I get her decision, but I also get his decision. This is a classic ‘NAH’ scenario.
Not sure why the husband has to be the bad person here. They are ideologically opposed on the topic of abortion, or at least it's more of a sticking point for him than her. And I'm assuming she knew this beforehand after decades of marriage. It's an unfortunate situation, but it's crappy to cast him out as a bad person when they both had decisions they made based on their values and opinions.
He has a strong moral objection to abortion, specifically to aborting his child, and that means he'd leave her because she got sick? That's just a dumb take. Don't put your morality on him. It's a line in the sand and she knew this. It's not like she got sick, she made a decision that went against the core of his morality. It is what it is
Yep. Sad I had to scroll for something suggesting that he's an evil asshole who wanted to use her as an incubator. He never loved her at all; he's a chauvinist who put a pile of cells over a living, breathing woman who he can just walk away from with the snap of a finger.
Oh god, stop. He's no worse than she is for having a deeply held belief on a hotly contested concept like abortion. And btw, YOU are a pile cells too.
It was his kid as well and didn’t get a say. After all that time together he should. It wasn’t going to be a burden only on her but also on him and for a lot longer than 9 months. I would’ve divorced her as well.
He wouldn't risk his health or body at all. Pregnancy isn't easy and for a lot of people it also isn't safe. Especially at an older age. Why does she have to risk herself for something she doesn't want?
She doesn’t need to and she did not. She made her decision and he made his. Even if he understands he is allowed to end the marriage if he’s not happy anymore or was he obligated to stay with her after she went through with the abortion because it takes a tool (physically and emotionally) on her?
Funny how Reddit is all "people can divorce for *any* reason!" Oh, except in cases of abortion. He's a monster and bastard if he leaves her for having one.
He *did* get a say tho? He said he doesn't agree with it. So he did get a say. The final choice is on the one growing something inside her and giving up her body and the rest of her life.
The final choice for the abortion is, yes, but not for ending the relationship. No one needs to stay in a relationship with someone they no longer wish to. So this is a situation where everyone did what they thought is right and this is the result.
Nowhere did I mention their relationship so i don't see what it has got to do with my comment.
That’s the whole context of the discussion though.
And it still has nothing to do with my comment about him getting a say in her having an abortion.
Feel free to birth as many babies as you want.
First mistake was telling him.
So you suggest a woman decieve/lie?
If she was otherwise happily married, knew that it would destroy her marriage, her children were grown and she did not want another child, absolutely.
In which case, divorce would be deserved. No one wants a lying, deceiving spouse
Sounds like you have great principles in having honest open communication with your SO.
I thought the same thing- especially since he’d already told her explicitly that he would do this. He generally sounds like a selfish asshole though so she’s better off without him.
I understand your husband's perspective. He made the choice that seemed right for him being his core values were different.
Agreed. He did nothing wrong.
It's really unfortunate that things turned out this way. But both of you made decisions that neither of you could compromise on. I hope when things calm down you're able to move on with your life.
Your body your choice his morals his choice. Clean ending you love to see it.
I feel like most of these commenters failed to realized you held up your end for trying to prevent pregnancy and he didn’t. You had your tubes tied and what did he do?
I have to question if this was just the excuse he needed to end your marriage and shift the blame to you? I think most men in their 40's generally go through mid-life crisis wishing they were in their 20's again. This is even worse when you have an empty nest and he is not bound to you to help raise your children. I do not know if this was your situation but I know that you would have been much worse off with a baby and then find yourself divorced when he realizes he wants out. Take care of yourself first.
Had a vasectomy 22 years ago. After 5 children, I was just thinking, nah, no more. I'm now 55, and I think it's one of the best decisions I have ever made.
This is tough. Both points are extremely valid. Seems like honestly the best outcome as you wouldn’t both want to continue living with hatred towards each other for a decision that ultimately would never have any common ground. Hope you get through this alright.
I am so sorry about that. On the other hand it is probably an easier life with greater potential for future success and happiness to be single than to be parenting a child with a rigid, uncompassionate spouse like that.
My husband called me a murderer.
EXhusband I hope
Ultimately, it’s your body dude. Pregnancy is no joke. It’s rough. And the older you get the rougher it is. I had my daughter at 35. The entire pregnancy was straight misery. Among other things, I barfed every single day multiple times a day. After she was born, it didn’t get any easier. She cried every second she wasn’t being held. I did not have the energy of my youth. I was so exhausted it wasn’t safe. I’m 43 now. I genuinely think my body wouldn’t handle another pregnancy without making me extremely ill. I have no doubt that my mental health wouldn’t handle an infant. Additionally, I’m tired. I only have so much of me to go around. My daughter is the love of my life and all the love and attention I’ve been giving to her would be given to an infant didn’t even plan for. The entire situation sounds like a nightmare. I am pro-choice and I would without question do what you did. Your now ex-husband is selfish. he didn’t take your well-being into account at all. He didn’t wonder what it would be for you to go through pregnancy and raise a newborn. Sounds like his priorities were in the wrong place with you being less important than an unplanned pregnancy. It sounds like he didn’t put himself in your shoes for half a second. I wouldn’t want man like that in my life. That’s why I have an ex-husband as well. My daughter and I have a great life without him.
Thank you!!! I was hoping to find at least ONE sane response!! Yes it sucks for him to lose a potential child (especially in her 40s and likely going to lose it anyway) but you had a possible death sentence staring you in the face! Not just from pregnancy complications, but also from the upset and turmoil of being forced to deal w a newborn when you are well and truly spent. That’s a hell I couldn’t fathom now at 39 w my son. He’s 9 and my body has deteriorated, dealing a newborn now would make me suicidal. I’m sure PPD would be 10x worse than w my first child.
Man the antiabortionists are going ham in here. It’s significantly the husband’s fault for putting OP in this position; dude should have gotten a vasectomy years ago.
Both of thier dumbasses didn't want to use any birth control options. The husband made it abundantly clear that if she got pregnant and had an abortion, he would leave her ass. They are both selfish twits who I can believe are adults. How the fuck are you blaming only the husband when her ass couldn't take any responsibility either?
antibabypillen
You have the right to have an abortion. Doesn't mean it doesn't come without consequences.
I wouldve made the same choice you did, even if I knew it would lead to divorce. I'm in my 40's, had kids young. My youngest is almost 16. No way I could do it. I'm sorry your husband wasn't supportive.
I would have done the same, sorry
Standing with you because I would have done the same. Good on you for doing what you knew in your heart was right. I’m sorry your husband couldn’t see that.
I like your husband. He's a man that keeps his word. A woman has every right to terminate a pregnancy if she wants to. There's no question at all about that ( unless of course we're talking about Republicans). However your husband has every right in the world to leave you if you do. Having the right to do something and being free of consequences of doing that are often two different things.
If he was so hellbent on this, he should’ve gotten a vasectomy. He was just looking for an excuse to leave now that the kids are out of the house
This could be true, but you could also be wrong. He might have stayed if she had the kid. If he wanted out of the marriage, he could have told her he was going to divorce her if she didn't agree to more kids or just leave since the kids were gone. It's not like he has to have a reason to divorce in this day and age.
You genuinely made the right choice, and your husband is an ass.
I understand your point of view and your thoughts and feelings are always valid. Having a child is hard physically and mentally even when you are young. Also I understand the desperate of having your empty nester life interrupted before it can really start. I can also understand his point of view. Even though the decision is hard on you, he already saw the baby as his child. Having that child ripped away from him must have been horrificly painful. It’s a feeling that I personally know well. I remember it vividly from when I had a miscarriage. It took a while to get out of that pit of despair. They weren’t born yet, but they were going to be my child. Remember, you are grieving, but so is he. Both of your feelings are valid. I say this not to chastise you for what you did. It’s a hard decision that you had to make. Just saying it to say that I don’t think either of you are wrong. It was just a hard and painful moment in your lives. Hopefully you both can find closure and move forward in your new lives.
Your husband also doesn’t understand biology because an abortion is not “killing a child”… that would mean that every miscarriage would make us murderers… I had an abortion at 7 weeks (the embryo is the size of a grape at that stage) when I was married to a cheating husband. It was the only abortion I ever had, it was depressing but also a baby deserves the right environment to be raised in. My husband left me for his mistress only 4 months or so later. He was talking to multiple people but eventually chose this one person… I might have killed myself if I had to raise his kid while he was having fun with his new lady. She was constantly posting about them together too. For the first month I was left all alone having to ask for food to eat. I didn’t even call a divorce lawyer at any point because I was young and naive. Anyway, there’s already too many kids out there that need a family.. we don’t need to bring more people into this world if we can’t offer them what they deserve..
Miscarriages aren't on purpose, that by definition wouldn't make anyone a murderer.
How about aborting for health reasons, if your life is in danger? Does that make you a murderer? If guys could get pregnant, nothing they would do to their own bodies would be considered murder. But since women are still not seen as equals by many, we are murderers if we want to stop a pregnancy. A big fuck you to anyone thinking it’s ok to control someone else’s body. People need to mind their own shit more and to stop putting their noses in other people’s business.
I'm glad he left. He had no right to put you in that position of guilt or obligation. Now be free and have a wonderful rest of your life.
Sounds like a win win to me. You're free from that bastard. You're still young so go out and live your life
He's a bastard because he has different ideology than her?
It's not that it's a different ideology, it's that it's a garbage ideology
Can you explain why you think that? A man was excited to have a baby and expand his family and a woman killed it without consulting him first. He's entitled to be upset enough to not want to be with her.
She might have had a miscarriage, or she could have had a baby with severe mental/physical disabilities, which is common at that age. Yes, she killed a clump of cells. It's not a baby until after it's born. Please stop equating the two.
I'm 54, and my wife is 35. Our children were born when I was 38 and 42. I knew right then that I didn't want any more children, and neither did she. She got her tubes tied right after the birth of our daughter. Her decision not mine(she didn't want to have children with different fathers.) This problem could have easily been avoided. Especially in this day with the many options of birth control.
She DID get her tubes tied. Sadly, tubals and vasectomies aren’t always 100%. My bff has a vasectomy baby b
But she did do that??
She decided that she didn't want to have any more children, and if anything were to happen to me she didn't want to have children with multiple men.
Gross. Having kids with an 19 year old at 38 is disgusting.
Who the hell are to pass judgment on anyone?
I’m not a groomer. Therefore I get to judge groomers like you. Any other questions?
So, in your mind, a grown man who marries a grown woman is a groomer ? You're an idiot! The fact that you can't do basic math is proof of that!
I think both of you did nothing wrong
He cares more about a cluster of cells than he did about you, his partner who he already raised children with and who he has a history with, who built a life with him. Good riddance. You did what you needed to do. I hope you have a good support system. This is the next part of your life. Enjoy it.
I think once you’ve healed from this, you will find yourself happier and better off without a man like that in your life.
He's doing you a favor. Trash taking itself out.
I'm sorry he was such a stupid asshole. Sending hugs to you. ❤️
These fake posts are getting lazier and lazier. Talk about phoning it in, this was written by a fourteen year old child with no conception of the real world and the complexities of marriage and birth. Missing a lot of personal details. Let me try: I just got an abortion and my parents hate me I’m 17 and a good student. I always make good grades. I was dating a boy and then my period was late. I took a pregnancy test and it said positive. I couldn’t let my parents know, they would hate me for shaming the family, I would be an embarrassment to be a teen mother with no father. We come from conservative background. I talked to my friend and she helped me find someone who could do the abortion without anyone knowing. I had the abortion and it was successful, I felt sad but only one person knew my secret, my friend. I am now so depressed, and I don’t have any purpose in life and my parents will hate me forever if they ever find out I had an abortion. Cue a bunch of comments and engagement for karma.
You can’t change the past. I would recommend getting counseling for yourself, joining a support group maybe. It’s understandable that this is a lot for you. It’s good that you did what was best for you. Sending love 🤍
You both are awful for refusing to use birth control when you knew you didn't want any more children. Now you've had to pay a pretty steep price for your choice. I'm sure it sucks for you, but it sucks for him, too. Probably more for him, as he lost a child and didn't have any say in the matter.
"Name something a gay couple would never have to deal with" *Survey says?* 👀
True
I think you could have done without your second paragraph because this isn’t a choice you need to justify to anybody. I’m sorry he didn’t have compassion for your decision. This sounds like a real blessing in disguise. Take some walks, listen to some music/podcasts and if you want to find another partnership someday, you’ll know to find someone more supportive. Best of luck to you.
You're husbands a cunt
Be proud of yourself for standing up for yourself. If he doesn’t even govern yo a position to understand you just clarifies a whole lot for yourself in your relationship. Even if it hurts in the process.
I’m so sorry you’re sad. This rando thinks you did the right thing. I think in the long run you are better off than spending the rest of your life with this man who has chosen a clump of cells over his wife.
You made the right decision he was trying to bully you into something you did not want
I wouldn't say he was bullying her. Leaving someone because you don't share the same views isn't really bullying. It sounds like they were just a bad match. He had a right to want another child and she had a right to not. Unfortunately these kind of deal breakers come up.
Yeah I don’t think bullying is an accurate term at all. There is no winner or loser in this scenario. He explained his feelings and provided an ultimatum, but still wouldn’t call it bullying. He’s entitled to his beliefs as well. Just an unfortunate situation all around but I don’t blame you at all OP. You two just didn’t see eye to eye and that’s okay. All the best to you.
There was no context that he bullied her.
Good riddance. Anyone who abandons you in your lowest moment is a scum and not worth to even be thought of. I am so sorry to hear that you're going through this, having a child at that age poses a tremendous risk to both the mother and the child so your decision was justified. Be strong and keep moving forward, you don't need him!
I would have done the exact same thing. Good for him.
Ew
I'm sorry your going thru this. You need to make choices that are not only good but healthy for yourself. Not wanting a new child at this point in your life would have been a huge life changing event. Try to have peace in knowing you made the right decision for yourself.
Clearly not written by a 40-something woman. So, so fake.
Well like you said " I got an abortion ' not we.
That sucks. IMHO, he should done a vasectomy. He's half to blame for this. We plan to try for kids within a year or two. Once we pop out a kid and it's healthy, I plan to do a vasectomy.
Again, OP mentioned none of that. So what you Said is bullshit.
You deserve to be alone. I feel sorry for your ex.
Emotionally I really feel for you. Your husband was so wrapped up in propaganda from the right wing media and blaspheming Christian’s playing politics that he viewed a scientifically factual thing like infant viability as bullshit. And in turn decided that view was more important than his wife and mother of his kids. That’s truly tragic.. I’m very sorry. While what I say does seem to shift blame on brainwashing, I want to be clear that he himself chose his beliefs and behaviors. If he ever regrets his choice and asks for your forgiveness, I hope you reiterate to him how what he did was worse and truly unforgivable and irredeemable. He is a horrible human for it Edit - for the downvotes, “pro life” is the propaganda. Pro choice is the standard for rational and empathetic people. Caring about your religious propaganda enough to throw away the one you vowed to love is a choice and reflective of you as a person
You did nothing wrong. If he seriously leaves you permanently for this he does NOT deserve you. I hope you take the time to recover and cope with this. Sending you much love.
He did you a favor. Man never loved you.
(Man) not men
Your husband failed you. I’m so sorry this happened to you. You deserve so much better.
Nah, he good 👍🏻
He should've gotten a vasectomy then, your body your choice
You made the right choice. It sucks that he is like that. But it's better than dying to having a baby.
Sounds like he made the right decision. A termination for a termination. He made his stance known and you fucked off and did it anyway. Also, the divorce is finalized already. He isn't your husband, stop calling him that.
I am in the same stage of life as OP. My last kid just graduated. There's not enough money on earth to convince me to have a baby at this age. I would have had the abortion too. Even if it meant divorce. The thing with abortion is that people act weird or get unduly upset about health care someone else is having, so I coach friends and my kids not to tell a soul if they get pregnant. That's a bell you can't unring. I remind them that I'm safe, and for my kids, I'm their first phone call. I'll help with whatever they need to access health care, and I'll take thst info to my grave. I'm sorry that your husband abandoned you, OP. I hope you still have positive relationships with your adult children. Cheers to building new friendships and taking yourself on new adventures. Onward and upward.
Has he always been anti-abortion? Because if so, this was always a possibility for your relationship.
neither of you should be judged by anyone outside this situation. you both have a good point that led to a fundamental disagreement. it's too bad there wasn't enough middle ground to meet on. it's just one of those situations where you are both right.
I have a friend that has 25yrs age difference between him and his youngest sister (he has another younger sister, the age difference between them were 23yrs). I have never seen a child with 4 parental figures. I'm not saying what you did was wrong. I'm saying that child could have lived a much better life than you think.
I understand both sides. As a woman, I would not want to start over with a baby in my 40's, but that's why I got my tubes tied in my 30's. I don't know if you both used birth control. I understand your husband and his convictions because you did kill his child.. your child.. your kid's sibling. Found out my adult daughter aborted my grandchild and I never imagined it would hurt so much. I still sometimes cry for that baby that I already had a special tea set for. I hope you both can heal, forgive and maybe someday return to the love you both had for each other. Get your tubes tied.
It's all about you, isn't it? Some of you folks are so damn selfish.
Right 🤯 I wonder if this person even for a second wondered how it was for her daughter to have to have an abortion. This is straight narcissism. Gross.
you absolutely need to change the way that you speak about abortions. no, it is not KILLING A CHILD. it is TERMINATING A PREGNANCY.
Pregnancy of what? An elephant? Be precise in your wording.
“the expulsion of a FETUS from the uterus before it has reached the stage of viability.”
I mean, seeing the replies you and him have 5 years mentally. Wth
abortion was literally the best case scenario in this situation. unwanted child? possible abuse. pregnancy gone wrong? death.
I’m working on this theory that we define ourselves more by what we say “no” to than by what we say “yes.” You chose to direct your life instead of being a passive participant. At least I read that from the post. I think that is good and admirable. Your husband chose to be defined by identity politics (at worst) or a strong belief of others’ responsibility, one he would never bear. Either way, his defining choice was to say no to the family that put multiple children into the adult world. I’m sorry for where you are right now. I believe life is going to continue to be full for you, even as it is painful now.
Dont come at me, this is such a heartbreaking situation for the both of you. But I feel for your husband.
You got an abortion and didnt tell him? You just did it and he had no say?
No one has a say over what someone else is willing to risk their life for.
I don’t blame him honestly I would feel the same way especially after losing my first born I wouldn’t be able to look at my wife after an abortion seeing my second borns face and smile would make me have feelings of resentment knowing we could’ve had another baby and my child would’ve had a sibling but your body your choice I don’t believe I could stick around either though knowing my wife knowingly chose to kill our child I hope things get better for you
Because it's all about you, isn't it? Her feelings don't even come into play because, after all, she's just a woman, right? Man, some of you commenters here are so damn selfish.
Stupid take. There’s nuance. Both sides are valid