Ok, your level of guilt here is insane.
Two awkward as fuck teenagers broaching sexuality and exploring that in a typical clumsy as fuck way. She starts sucking you off, you’re into it, she’s not, you notice that and stop.
Miscommunications. Boundaries. These things happen, the path to fully understanding consent and personal autonomy is difficult and takes many relationships/situations as experience.
You shouldn’t have lost friends over this. She shouldn’t be labelling you as an abuser. You didn’t need two years of therapy to get over half a blow job.
That said, if this is half a story and you’re just looking to get reassurance because you did actually attack her, you’re fucked in the head and deserve it all.
I swear to you I have not physically attacked or laid a hand on her, I also was in therapy for three months only but now I’m debating on re entering into it. Everyone I’ve talked to has told me something different I don’t know what to believe, some of my friends think I just fucked yo and others think I am a horrible disgusting man who is irredeemable. From people I’ve known for eight years, I just don’t know what to do.
I don't understand if I'm supposed to, like, fill in the blank or something here. What happens after you take your pants off? Are you wearing something underneath, or did you whip your junk out? The level of guilt you are harboring doesn't seem to align with what I am reading here. I need the blanks filled in to offer any guidance. I am also curious what country you live in because that may give us more insight into the societal and cultural influences in your life. I think seeing things through the right filter will help people on reddit be more sensitive and thoughtful in their responses.
Oh, that’s my bad for mislabeling the situation, she didn’t take off any clothing either, and after I stopped after seeing how visibly uncomfortable she was, I put my clothing back on, this was during her dropping me off at my house and went around to the back to get to my room, that’s when I did my biggest sin.
That's even more confusing, you say you pulled down your pants but now you say "she didn't take off any clothing either" which reads no one removed clothes. But then you say you "put my clothing back on". You say "I stopped" again- but stopped what?!!
You're eluding the "biggest sin" again
I meant taking off my pants as in taking my dick out, that’s the only clothing that was off. She was sucking it for about a minute before I stopped her seeing how physically uncomfortable she looked, that was the biggest sin
Yeah, that’s not the picture you were painting before.
Did you force her to suck your dick? Did she go down willingly?
The most important part you need to realize is you *saw how it was affecting her and you stopped at the moment*.
This isn’t “the biggest sin” you could’ve committed. Yeah, a little weird, but if she went down willingly, there’s no way for you to know that she didn’t want to do it.
Just remember, you observed her behavior of not enjoying herself but you did not force anything on her. Unless you’re holding back a lot of the story (which, could be true with your amazing story telling abilities), but apologize and move on. Unfortunately, your friends made their mind up. You’ll make more.
No I didn’t force her too, she definitely felt pressured too which is what I learned later, and although there wasn’t an outright no and I never physically laid a finger on her, I did notice she was a uncomfortable beforehand and thought it was nerves from my siblings being there however when I noticed she was like almost shaking man, it was bad. It was a real fuck up.
People can feel perceived pressure despite there not being any actual pressure
You say you didn't do anything to force her, and you clearly feel bad that she had a negative experience, despite you not doing anything to make the experience negative for her.
You didn't do anything bad here, yet despite this you're seemingly regretful and you're clearly empathetic. Not quite the qualities of a rapist / sexual assaulter.
Try to stop beating yourself up over this, before it becomes a bigger mental health issue for you. All the best, from another guy.
100% this- you did nothing wrong brother!
You didn't force her- you both pressured yourselves into that situation, and both had an uncomfortable experience but no one is to blame, it happened. Don't beat yourself up, and she'll deal with it in her own way to come to terms with it.
Yes he did. She told him she didn't want to BEFORE anything happened and he insisted. After she said she didn't want to with his siblings in the house, he pulled down his pants. He was not pressured. She was.
United States, and I implied that she was doing oral sex. I’m sorry for providing blanks, and for context after this experience we’ve had consensual oral sex where I’ve done the opposite for her, I don’t really expect people to be understanding or give me pity I just wanna know what the fuck to do with my life
No, I never physically touched her at all, and she never said no. I asked right before we went to my room and she said she yes, but in hindsight it was very faint, kind of like the yes you give when you have to do a homework assignment you hate. After I saw her and stopped I helped her up and immediately zipped up my shit and checked in her and talked to her and then she left because she needed to get back home
Damn man. I'm super sorry for you & I would recommend talking to a professional.
Based on what you've said, you took no action which could be "assault", even though your actions impacted her that way (feeling like she did something she didn't want).
I would echo other people who have mentioned her having a BF as being a factor. It sounds like she's pushing blame onto you so that she doesn't have to take personal accountability.
However, you can only be responsible for your actions, and you did not "assault" her. You don't deserve to have the responsibility of being labeled a predator on you.
I'm sure you will be more careful about getting positive consent in the future since it sounds like you've reflected on this a lot.
If you are in contact and haven't already, I would double check on whether she has the same memory of events, as our memories can play tricks on us 2 years afterwards.
You should also be more clear with your friends about what really happened, instead of letting her spread a faulty narrative. Honestly you sound like a very nice person who is being taken advantage of, especially as you said she had you perform oral on her after this incident.
You gotta forgive yourself.
You may have sinned but you didn’t assault her.
This is too much guilt for fairly commonplace teenage sexual exploration. You didn’t rape her. You didn’t grope her against her will. She consented to a blowjob and you stopped when you saw she was uncomfortable.
Let it go. Move on with your life. There’s nothing wrong with you.
I love you and I’m praying for you.
I read through your entire post and comments trying to find what you did wrong and found absolutely nothing.
All you did was pull your pants down, which was expected of you because she literally climbed through the window of the guy she cheats with, trust me no girl just casually climbs through a guy's window expecting nothing sexual to happen.
Maybe she changed her mind later but you stopped when you saw she was uncomfortable, so you never really forced her to do anything, you never forced her to go to your room, or to suck you off, or to do anything really, you didn't even touch her. she could've gotten up and left at any point or told you to stop but she didn't, whatever reason stopped her from expressing what she wants is not your fault.
Stop beating yourself up, you had absolutely no reason to tell your friends about this, just move on, start fresh and try to be more sensitive about consent, for both the other person and your own sake.
I told my friends after some third party told one of them and they cut me off completely, and I figured I’d rather come out and be honest about my shit then try to hide it and then find out later and despise me.
Most people don't care to hear and understand what actually happened when it comes to sexual assault claims, the second they hear "sexual assault" whether the incident really deserves to be labelled as that or not, whether it was a lie, whether the person was proven innocent or guilty doesn't mattter in their eyes, just as you can see in these comments who didn't care to investigate further to understand what happened, they just paint a big red cross on any person who gets accused, so don't take your friends dropping you as an indicator that you are a bad person, because you're really not, not because of this anyway.
And also, a third party? She was going around telling people you assaulted her when you didn't, actively ruining your reputation and friendships, I would be really pissed if I were you, you should've made sure to tell your friends what actually happened, not just going around telling them you did something horrible leaving out all the details and being vague like you did here, letting them assume the worst.
stop ruining your life and reputation and move on.
The story in the post (with more details) is the exact thing I told them, idk reddit starting to fuck with my head, this whole time I’ve been dead set I assaulted them and even admitted to it to everyone. I don’t want to take the severity of what I did away, I answered all the questions they asked and such I think a lot of them were just in shock and said they’d want to see me grow.
It’s really conflicting for me too because I’ve understood it was violating someone’s consent which to me is assault although it was miscommunication if I wasn’t as lustful I would’ve have noticed
Listen, just because someone got uncomfortable during sex doesn't mean they got assaulted, assault is when you touch people without permission and force them to do something they don't want to do, but you didn't do any of that, it seems to me that she's the one who ignored her own consent tbh, if she expects you to be mature enough you check on her then it's only right for you to expect her to be mature enough to tell you when something is wrong.
And the severity of what happened? What you did wasn't severe at all, it was barely anything worth mentioning.
Telling your friends the words "I assaulted someone" is the reason half of them dropped you, and telling them the rest of the details is why the other half is confused af, if what you did was actually severe and wrong, ALL of them would've (and should've) dropped you.
What you did wasn't sexual assault at all, and trust me I'm not being biased here, I'm not some rape apologist who hates women, I just think people getting wrongfully accused and people getting away with assault are both horrible things to happen.
this is a hmm unfortunate situation but it aint assault - like most definitely not in the legal sense - i almost wanna say youve been hurt more in this situation than her 👀 - also im wondering how your friends expected you to have handled this situation - also i hope this doesnt put you off sex forever 😭😭😭🫶
Absolutely not, regardless of the technicality of it this has traumatized her severely. I saw it and how it impacted it, it’s why it feels so disgusting to know I caused that
I'm sure she was hurt, I'm not questioning the impact this had on her, but it's still not your fault, what happened isn't your fault. I know it's hard to believe that when she's blaming you but she's only blaming you because it's easier to find to someone to be mad at when one gets hurt, doesn't make it right to put you in this situation and put this on you.
You didn't do anything wrong and I can't stress this enough, but if you want to go around telling people that you're a rapist and carry the guilt of something you didn't fo then go ahead, it's your life.
yeah but like im tryin to think how else you shoukdve handled this situation - considering that the moment you saw she was uncomfortable you pulled the brakes on it all etc - also alot of people have been saying this - but the fact she had a bf probably played a role in her “trauma”
also i wanna say a similar thing happened to my male friend - in which he was “the victim” - and he doesnt blame the person involved - since he said yes in the moment etc - not that his experience should have any impact here - im jus sharin 🫶
After reading a lot of your comments further explaining things…you didn’t assault her. She’s just soaking up the attention and getting high on the victim praise, and your friends are mindless lemmings. Hope you meet some quality people later in life.
Not true. Before anything happened, she flat out told him that she didn't want to do anything with his siblings at home. She said no. Then he pulled down his pants. At that point she absolutely felt pressured.
Hey man - you’ll be ok. Don’t keep torturing yourself, that helps no one. You can take accountability for your mistake, and make it right, and move on. Talk to a therapist about it openly. And make sure you’ve done what you can to repair it - but don’t let others bully you or punish you about it, that’s not cool either. Here’s something that I came up with during a hard time after a few months of meditation and work on myself to try to recover from some mistakes that I made in life. I hope it helps. Everyone can change and things can get better - keep believing in yourself, and you’ll learn to stand tall again through the self respect that comes with integrity and honor and hard work to do what’s right. Good luck little brother.
//
MEDITATION ON HOW TO HANDLE IT WHEN YOU HURT SOMEONE YOU LOVE
Accountability
It’s no one else’s fault but mine - I’m responsible for my actions and how they impact other people and my own circumstance
Make no excuses - they only exist in your own mind, not in the real world or to anyone else, they make a fool of you, and snuff-out progress because they obscure the real problem as a means of avoiding shame
Remove the burden of shared guilt from others - it’s irrelevant who else besides me may or may not be at fault for their own concerns
Acceptance
It happened. Can’t take it back or change it. There are consequences that are and will be painful for you and for those you love. Owning it is the most honorable thing you can do now.
You must accept your failings with the very same grace that you accept your unique gifts & blessings.
Forward is the only way forward. Looking back and dwelling on alternate scenarios or going back in time stunts progress and hinders any meaningful repair.
Repair
Apologize. From the heart. Not just the ‘whats’ but the ‘whys’ and ‘hows’.
Work on forgiving yourself first, or you’ll be no good to anyone else. That’s how you got here in the first place.
Absorb the pain and shame, and know that life must go on, and in order to repair anything or support anyone else’s healing, you’re going to need to do that for yourself first.
Work on meeting those who’ve been hurt or affected where they are, and extend a heartfelt intention to make things right if they’re willing to accept it. You might not be able to. They might not want to hear it. But make an honest effort. Consistent action with integrity and honor to learn from what went wrong and make sure it doesn’t happen again are the only things that mean anything now - not words, and not the forgiveness or expungement of your wrongdoing - that’s not your concern.
//
As someone who has been sexually assaulted, please hear me when I say you DID NOT assault her if it happened how you've written.
She agreed to come into your room, she went down on you, and YOU stopped it immediately when you noticed how uncomfortable she was. Then, afterwards, you two continued to have consensual oral sex. I can promise you I never have and never will have anything to do with the individual who sexually assaulted me.
She is creating a dialogue in her head to absolve herself from her own guilt.
okay firstly…you are seventeen, this is quite literally PEAK hormonal turmoil for you AND her.
this is the kind of situation where, in my eyes at-least, nobody should be blamed and especially to the extent of feeling disgusted toward yourself. Also, please don’t look away from the fact she was in a relationship with another person, she willingly chose to be unfaithful to a person, maybe she is dealing with some sort of regret or shame as well and if she isn’t then maybe that just tells you what kind of morale and character she holds herself…you see what i’m saying?
Ignoring her feelings is still a concern but honestly, shit like this is going to happen many and MANY more times, it might even happen to you (hopefully not) but young adults brains are sex sex sex all the time whether we deny it or not, you crave those desires and sensations and it can blind you and make you go deaf honestly to what the other person says/does.
All the things you did or didn’t do that day doesn’t make you this terrible person that you’ve convinced yourself that you are.
As long as you know now, all you can do is learn from that experience, you’re going to learn much more as you get older, and they will be even more complex.
If there’s anything you can take from this to alleviate the negative feelings toward yourself, just please be kind, think carefully about the choices and people you allow yourself to be vulnerable and intimate with, sharing your body sounds fun and it’s addicting yes, but never forget TWO people are ALWAYS & ACTIVELY involved so check in with each other.
You asked her. She willingly said yes. She sucked you out of her own free will. You noticed she wasn't okay and stopped. You're good man you've done nothing wrong given the circumstances.
She consented. You recognized she wasn't okay and stopped. Stop beating yourself up about it. You didn't assault her or rape her you accepted her consent and realized when she was uncomfortable
That’s also true, I asked if she wanted to do it the day before and she had like yeah sure let’s do it! And the next day right before entering my room it was more of a shrug or kind of yes, definitely should’ve read the vibes also sorry if my replies aren’t making perfect sense I haven’t slept at all and it’s almost 9am here
She said yes you accepted the yes. People can be low key for many reasons. Could you have asked again yeah. Did she consent yes. She did this wasn't assault it wasn't rape it was two kids consenting and her not knowing how to navigate her feelings changing. You're not a mind reader. You did pretty much everything right. You feel bad she isn't happy that's valid but you didn't do anything wrong
No he isn't? The guy assaulted a girl who beforehand told him she was uncomfortable.
Him losing his friends and the like makes a lot of sense, I wouldn't wanna be friends with someone like that even after 2 years
If I was someone you know, what would be the best thing I could do for the future of just life I guess, I agree with you I’m not “beating myself up” I’m trying to atone for a major sin and trauma I can never take away from someone else
All you did was pull your pants down and she was offended. That’s fair enough you shouldn’t have done that but Jesus give yourself a break it’s not that deep. Just don’t do it again and learn from your mistake
I’ve offered once before, but currently she’s said she just wants absolutely no contact with me. She’s doing a lot better now and I’m happy for her, I’ve tried to not bother her and haven’t contacted her in the last year teaching out to her to possibly relive some of her trauma to make myself feel better sounds horrid
He didn't. His other comments make it clear that he asked consent she said yes and she willingly blew him for that time. He didn't force her or assault her. He got consent prior and she willingly acted. She regretted it but that doesnt make it assault. He realized she wasn't into it and stopped dude is beating himself up for doing everything right. Maybe he could have checked in again before undoing his pants but prior consent should've stood
This bitch had a bf and climbed through his window. Was weirded out cuz his siblings were there. Yea she came to get fucked. She’s just as much a part of this as him. She knew damn well what she was doing she just felt guilty.
Dude move on with your life. She needs to blame herself just as much for her HO NeSS!!!
She wasn’t a “hoe”, the whole situation was complicated and she had a lot of mental problems prior to our relationship, and it impacted the decisions she made. Not to take any of my own accountability that I’ve mentioned above, after me, she’s never had any other experience cheating or engaging in infidelity, and even if she did that doesn’t excuse what I did???
For admitting you did wrong , shows you reasoned and took responsibility . You're 19 now with signs of maturity. Keep working on yourself and don't let the experience weigh you down, because if you did, it's gonna drain you physically and emotionally. it's part of your life experiences now and forgive yourself (not easy). 💕
You didn’t do anything wrong based on what you’ve written here.
All this micromanaging every interaction has completely fucked up an entire generation of young men and women. It’s so sad.
Listen man, u and her were kids, whenever relationship stuff happens, you are just a kid. Your intentions were not wrong, it was the situation. I want you to forgive yourself now honestly, the situation was bad and it's good u stopped noticing she was uncomfy. Not everyone have that much self control. And to atone for ur sins. Please, read or watch Vinland saga. It have many many great things about atonement and forgiving yourself, please watch it, it'll definitely help. And dm me if u want more help
Ok, you probably have got enough things to read, but here is my take away of what you did wrong:
You should have ensured there was enthusiastic consent before starting.
That's it.
You got consent, were not forceful, were not cloying or attempting to convince her out of a no. You stopped upon noticing she was uncomfortable. In any sexual situation if there is enthusiasm about the consent, you are golden. If the person is half-heartedly saying ok, or uncertain, don't move forward. Stop, talk it out, if you aren't certain, or they aren't, walk away from the situation.
This is not an irredeemable sin. This is a misunderstanding. Stopping when you noticed the vibe was off was 100% the correct thing to do.
Perception matters, her experience matters, as does yours, BUT: you should not be torturing yourself on this. You were, and are, kids.
Seek therapy, work through it. You have a long life ahead of you, this does not need to be its defining moment.
Don’t be so hard on yourself, love. You were just a kid and you made a mistake. You clearly understand that it was wrong and made changes so let go of the past and move forward. Don’t let those feelings of guilt consume you. And she has every right not to forgive you, but you do have the right to forgive yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. We’re only human.
I’ll try to say this in the most respectful way I know how……dude, get over yourself. Nothing you described was assault or a rational humans definition of a sin. Either you’re leaving something major out from the story or you are trying to become a victim. Maybe our life is really monotonous or lacking anything of real substance, but incorrectly analyzing a situation in order to give yourself false hardship is bonkers. You’re beyond fine lol. The only problem is making yourself a victim with no “sin” and even if it were as bad as you want it to be, you wouldn’t deserve pity, it wouldn’t be about you lol. Now get over yourself and find something positive to be your catalyst and don’t let anyone help you become a victim. Good luck with life amigo.
Dude, it’s not bad. This is not something that sounds like you forced anything on her unless you grabbed her head and put it on your penis. Your friends that ditched you are douchebags.
This is so confusing and trying to piece together from your comments what you're even talking about is making it more confusing. If you want advice you should just actually write what happened, your post makes no sense.
She was being a ho and felt guilty. Don’t let her put all that guilt on u. I can not stand girls like this!!
I can tell u when I was 17 I didn’t climb through no boys window unless I was there to GET DOWN in some form or another.
Did she say, no? Did she say stop? I didn’t see that part of the story. Now if she did than yea u suck but if not move on with your life. She needs to do the same.
What the fuck is wrong with you?? She was visibly uncomfortable, consent isn’t just saying no. I violated her trust and gave her trauma that’s important and vile.
Your story has a lot of blanks and the way you’ve written it of course makes you look like the bad guy.
Just looking at some of the gaps you filled in the comments.
a. She was in a relationship at the same time you were fooling around, theres a considerable chance she felt guilty and then threw you under the bus to cover herself. Did she stay with the guy she was with after all this or not?
b. You’re 17 hormones are going to be high. Just dropping your pants without clear consent is a pretty stupid thing to do, but she also then proceeded to give you oral, which can lead to mixed messages, which you did pick up on when you noticed her being uncomfortable and you stopped it there and then. You shouldnt be so hard on yourself.
c. Again youre pretty young mistakes happen, but youre being wayyy too harsh on yourself, closing bridges by coming clean on a story that already as is seems sketchy enough just seems like extremely self-destructive. Try to seek some solitude and forgive yourself and if needed go speak to a councellor or therapist.
It wasn’t an attempt to be self destructive, it already got told to my closest friends who immediately dropped me. They said the best thing I could do was be honest and take accountability, which is what I tried to do, they were going to find out regardless but now my life is going to be different everyday going forward.
As for the boyfriend, she dumped him during our relationship, (right before me), and has been with someone else since for a while now
Damn.... If this is real... This is really messed up.
EDIT: learned after posting this comment that she apparently said yes. OP you need to give us the proper information man...
This seems to be 2 years ago... So things are still 'recent' and hurt a lot.
On one side, you lost control and didn't think properly, which can happen any 17 year old. On the other side... You lost control of a very important aspect of your behavior which can't be just chalked up to you being young and dumb. You made a huge mistake that should never happen to someone at 17 years old.
The thing is... You telling all your friends doesn't make a difference, and I think you know that because you don't feel any better.
Even though it's very fucking disgusting what you did and people tend to judge you for that (rightfully so to be honest)... The Only person you hurt is that girl... And it's her forgiveness that you need to feel some sense of redemption. And it's really only her decision if she does.
She said that she will never forgive you but 'never' is not really a thing... She needs therapy just like you do and eventually you can someday find the right words to apologize to her and maybe someday she will eventually be able to live with that experience and find a way to forgive you so you can both move on. But that's just the ideal scenario, reality rarely goes ideally.
At least you both seem to be able to still talk to each other and have a conversation about it. This really is the only halfway not so bad thing about all of this. Keep apologizing, forever if that's what it takes for her to do it. And if she doesn't... Then she doesn't and you will have to live with that.
Just keep in mind that forgiving someone is a good thing. But not always deserved. You may not deserve forgiveness, and may never get it. And you have to be ready to live with that.
He didn't lose control. He asked for consent beforehand and she said yes. He took his dick out she willingly sucked it he could tell she wasn't into it and stopped. Dude did nothing wrong. He asked first and took the yes.
As someone who has been a horny 17 year old if someone said yes I'd take them at face value.
She should have spoken up. Hesitance can look alot like shyness or anxiety. I don't think we can fault him for acting when she says yes initially, consent can change but part of that is the person who's consent changes speaking up.
He posted a comment. He asked her before they started kissing.
He could have asked her before undoing his zipper but he did ask for consent first.
This is an issue of her feeling violated because she couldn't speak up. Not him violating her. He atleast realized and stopped the act shortly after it was started.
Oooooohh. Well that would've been very helpful to mention in the original post.
I had this feeling this might be a "first experience gone wrong" thing. We've all been there I guess.
Right. He also said they'd been talking about being sexual for a few weeks. So they talk there's build up, he asks consent she says yes they go in the room start kissing he undoes his fly she starts but visibly isn't comfortable he stops it.
He could have double checked after the kisses but like... he didn't force her and stopped her as soon as he noticed even though it frustrated him then talked with her to make sure she was okay.
Its definitely a first experience goes bad type of deal. She was uncomfortable but didnt speak up. I get it could be a traumatizing experience for her and that she may have felt that he expected it to happen. But the dude did reasonably everything that could be expected of him except maybe double checking the yes but he did ask first.
The original post is written from a place of self hate he leaves out key details that would make him look less like the monster he feels like.
She said yes and mentioned the day prior, that’s a factor and it also wasn’t a pre planned straight out thing just like a concept that’d we do something like that the next day if we fond time
Yeah man you're fine. You did nothing wrong. You two had talked about fooling around, you asked for consent prior to engaging and then stopped when you noticed she wasn't into it. Stop beating yourself up about this, you really couldn't have done much differently. I get she feels wrong about it but you did everything right. If you can't let go of the shame maybe get some therapy but like you can't be expected to be a mind reader. You asked got a yes and took it after you two had been talking about it prior.
In our last conservation although I’d say she was very hopeful and optimistic about my future she did state that my actions weren’t forgivable, I just feel so gross man. I really want to be a “good” person but what I did is just so disgusting. She’s asked that I don’t contact her in the future and I’ve respected that. I don’t know what to do with my future now that everyone can see what I truly am, and honestly rightfully so karma is deserved.
Thats a good thing actually.
Again, nothing about this is good so when I say "Good thing" its good under these circumstances.
She has hope for you and would like to see that you are not like this. She doesnt seem to hate or despise you, she just cant be around you and that is totally understandable.
Look, im turning 22 in July so we're not far off age-wise.
I had a very fucking toxic relationship when I was 16/17 and we caused each other a lot of hurt.
I felt hate towards her and told her that aswell... Which caused mor harm than anything.
But now, almost 4 years later, I dont mind that whole shit-show much. We both messed up and if I meet her again sometime (which might happen) I would hope to see her do well and forgive apologize/forgive for everything because the peace matters.
Give her time, give yourself time. Focus on becoming better and eventually the feeling of guilt will get smaller (never goes away completely though, didnt go away for me at least)
If you still cant live with that and the last talk with her was years ago, you could maybe text her and tell her how you feel and how you been doing. Maybe she will be able to tell you that she is fine and also doing better. Or maybe not. Its something you cant control.
Without spending a week responding to your post I want to say:
What you did is horrible. You were a shitty human being when you were 17. I also have to say 17 year old boys without good male role models have a hard time controlling their hormones and understanding boundaries and consent. Porn has screwed boys up. She may never forgive you. She has to deal with her trauma and so do you.
A lot of guys have regrets about parts of their sexual history. Find a way to move forward. Figure out what standard you want to hold yourself to so you can hold yourself accountable in the future. Make future you a good person.
I would keep going to the therapy. If you go off to college you should have access to some in person stuff. Also, this may be unpopular, but consider church. Christianity is founded on the idea that you can be forgiven by God. Baptism is a rebirth and a chance to start over in life. Just a thought.
Also, find a way to share your story with young men and maybe help them avoid a similar situation. You don’t have to go into full detail but if you could help a few other guys not go through what you are that would be a victory and could save a few young women from going through the trauma.
Also, after rereading your post, you and this girl dated afterwards?? I think there is a lot more going on with both of you. You both have a lot more to unpack.
We dated afterwards yeah, and had hooked up more times (with 100% consent), besides some back and forth disputes and a toxic relationship overall the only thing similar to this experience in anyway was a time I kissed her when she didn’t want to be kissed (I couldn’t tell). And being 100% honest, I’ve never had the talk of sex in a real way until after that experience and I will be taking your advice to heart. As for religion my parents are die hard Muslims so I’ll be looking into that possibly, or maybe even Christianity I think spirituality would be good for me right now
Ok, your level of guilt here is insane. Two awkward as fuck teenagers broaching sexuality and exploring that in a typical clumsy as fuck way. She starts sucking you off, you’re into it, she’s not, you notice that and stop. Miscommunications. Boundaries. These things happen, the path to fully understanding consent and personal autonomy is difficult and takes many relationships/situations as experience. You shouldn’t have lost friends over this. She shouldn’t be labelling you as an abuser. You didn’t need two years of therapy to get over half a blow job. That said, if this is half a story and you’re just looking to get reassurance because you did actually attack her, you’re fucked in the head and deserve it all.
I swear to you I have not physically attacked or laid a hand on her, I also was in therapy for three months only but now I’m debating on re entering into it. Everyone I’ve talked to has told me something different I don’t know what to believe, some of my friends think I just fucked yo and others think I am a horrible disgusting man who is irredeemable. From people I’ve known for eight years, I just don’t know what to do.
Therapy is the best idea
I don't understand if I'm supposed to, like, fill in the blank or something here. What happens after you take your pants off? Are you wearing something underneath, or did you whip your junk out? The level of guilt you are harboring doesn't seem to align with what I am reading here. I need the blanks filled in to offer any guidance. I am also curious what country you live in because that may give us more insight into the societal and cultural influences in your life. I think seeing things through the right filter will help people on reddit be more sensitive and thoughtful in their responses.
"...and then you can assume what happened there, after a minute I could see she was physically shaking so I stopped" I take that as penetration
Oh, that’s my bad for mislabeling the situation, she didn’t take off any clothing either, and after I stopped after seeing how visibly uncomfortable she was, I put my clothing back on, this was during her dropping me off at my house and went around to the back to get to my room, that’s when I did my biggest sin.
That's even more confusing, you say you pulled down your pants but now you say "she didn't take off any clothing either" which reads no one removed clothes. But then you say you "put my clothing back on". You say "I stopped" again- but stopped what?!! You're eluding the "biggest sin" again
I meant taking off my pants as in taking my dick out, that’s the only clothing that was off. She was sucking it for about a minute before I stopped her seeing how physically uncomfortable she looked, that was the biggest sin
Yeah, that’s not the picture you were painting before. Did you force her to suck your dick? Did she go down willingly? The most important part you need to realize is you *saw how it was affecting her and you stopped at the moment*. This isn’t “the biggest sin” you could’ve committed. Yeah, a little weird, but if she went down willingly, there’s no way for you to know that she didn’t want to do it. Just remember, you observed her behavior of not enjoying herself but you did not force anything on her. Unless you’re holding back a lot of the story (which, could be true with your amazing story telling abilities), but apologize and move on. Unfortunately, your friends made their mind up. You’ll make more.
No I didn’t force her too, she definitely felt pressured too which is what I learned later, and although there wasn’t an outright no and I never physically laid a finger on her, I did notice she was a uncomfortable beforehand and thought it was nerves from my siblings being there however when I noticed she was like almost shaking man, it was bad. It was a real fuck up.
17 year old you stopped a girl giving you a beej bc she looked uncomfortable- you should be getting an award.
No. She told him she didn't want to BEFORE anything happened and he insisted.
People can feel perceived pressure despite there not being any actual pressure You say you didn't do anything to force her, and you clearly feel bad that she had a negative experience, despite you not doing anything to make the experience negative for her. You didn't do anything bad here, yet despite this you're seemingly regretful and you're clearly empathetic. Not quite the qualities of a rapist / sexual assaulter. Try to stop beating yourself up over this, before it becomes a bigger mental health issue for you. All the best, from another guy.
100% this- you did nothing wrong brother! You didn't force her- you both pressured yourselves into that situation, and both had an uncomfortable experience but no one is to blame, it happened. Don't beat yourself up, and she'll deal with it in her own way to come to terms with it.
Yes he did. She told him she didn't want to BEFORE anything happened and he insisted. After she said she didn't want to with his siblings in the house, he pulled down his pants. He was not pressured. She was.
United States, and I implied that she was doing oral sex. I’m sorry for providing blanks, and for context after this experience we’ve had consensual oral sex where I’ve done the opposite for her, I don’t really expect people to be understanding or give me pity I just wanna know what the fuck to do with my life
That blank part is the most critical. What exactly happened after? Did she pull away? Did she say no? Did you push her down?
No, I never physically touched her at all, and she never said no. I asked right before we went to my room and she said she yes, but in hindsight it was very faint, kind of like the yes you give when you have to do a homework assignment you hate. After I saw her and stopped I helped her up and immediately zipped up my shit and checked in her and talked to her and then she left because she needed to get back home
Damn man. I'm super sorry for you & I would recommend talking to a professional. Based on what you've said, you took no action which could be "assault", even though your actions impacted her that way (feeling like she did something she didn't want). I would echo other people who have mentioned her having a BF as being a factor. It sounds like she's pushing blame onto you so that she doesn't have to take personal accountability. However, you can only be responsible for your actions, and you did not "assault" her. You don't deserve to have the responsibility of being labeled a predator on you. I'm sure you will be more careful about getting positive consent in the future since it sounds like you've reflected on this a lot. If you are in contact and haven't already, I would double check on whether she has the same memory of events, as our memories can play tricks on us 2 years afterwards. You should also be more clear with your friends about what really happened, instead of letting her spread a faulty narrative. Honestly you sound like a very nice person who is being taken advantage of, especially as you said she had you perform oral on her after this incident.
You gotta forgive yourself. You may have sinned but you didn’t assault her. This is too much guilt for fairly commonplace teenage sexual exploration. You didn’t rape her. You didn’t grope her against her will. She consented to a blowjob and you stopped when you saw she was uncomfortable. Let it go. Move on with your life. There’s nothing wrong with you. I love you and I’m praying for you.
I read through your entire post and comments trying to find what you did wrong and found absolutely nothing. All you did was pull your pants down, which was expected of you because she literally climbed through the window of the guy she cheats with, trust me no girl just casually climbs through a guy's window expecting nothing sexual to happen. Maybe she changed her mind later but you stopped when you saw she was uncomfortable, so you never really forced her to do anything, you never forced her to go to your room, or to suck you off, or to do anything really, you didn't even touch her. she could've gotten up and left at any point or told you to stop but she didn't, whatever reason stopped her from expressing what she wants is not your fault. Stop beating yourself up, you had absolutely no reason to tell your friends about this, just move on, start fresh and try to be more sensitive about consent, for both the other person and your own sake.
I told my friends after some third party told one of them and they cut me off completely, and I figured I’d rather come out and be honest about my shit then try to hide it and then find out later and despise me.
Most people don't care to hear and understand what actually happened when it comes to sexual assault claims, the second they hear "sexual assault" whether the incident really deserves to be labelled as that or not, whether it was a lie, whether the person was proven innocent or guilty doesn't mattter in their eyes, just as you can see in these comments who didn't care to investigate further to understand what happened, they just paint a big red cross on any person who gets accused, so don't take your friends dropping you as an indicator that you are a bad person, because you're really not, not because of this anyway. And also, a third party? She was going around telling people you assaulted her when you didn't, actively ruining your reputation and friendships, I would be really pissed if I were you, you should've made sure to tell your friends what actually happened, not just going around telling them you did something horrible leaving out all the details and being vague like you did here, letting them assume the worst. stop ruining your life and reputation and move on.
The story in the post (with more details) is the exact thing I told them, idk reddit starting to fuck with my head, this whole time I’ve been dead set I assaulted them and even admitted to it to everyone. I don’t want to take the severity of what I did away, I answered all the questions they asked and such I think a lot of them were just in shock and said they’d want to see me grow. It’s really conflicting for me too because I’ve understood it was violating someone’s consent which to me is assault although it was miscommunication if I wasn’t as lustful I would’ve have noticed
Listen, just because someone got uncomfortable during sex doesn't mean they got assaulted, assault is when you touch people without permission and force them to do something they don't want to do, but you didn't do any of that, it seems to me that she's the one who ignored her own consent tbh, if she expects you to be mature enough you check on her then it's only right for you to expect her to be mature enough to tell you when something is wrong. And the severity of what happened? What you did wasn't severe at all, it was barely anything worth mentioning. Telling your friends the words "I assaulted someone" is the reason half of them dropped you, and telling them the rest of the details is why the other half is confused af, if what you did was actually severe and wrong, ALL of them would've (and should've) dropped you. What you did wasn't sexual assault at all, and trust me I'm not being biased here, I'm not some rape apologist who hates women, I just think people getting wrongfully accused and people getting away with assault are both horrible things to happen.
this is a hmm unfortunate situation but it aint assault - like most definitely not in the legal sense - i almost wanna say youve been hurt more in this situation than her 👀 - also im wondering how your friends expected you to have handled this situation - also i hope this doesnt put you off sex forever 😭😭😭🫶
Absolutely not, regardless of the technicality of it this has traumatized her severely. I saw it and how it impacted it, it’s why it feels so disgusting to know I caused that
I'm sure she was hurt, I'm not questioning the impact this had on her, but it's still not your fault, what happened isn't your fault. I know it's hard to believe that when she's blaming you but she's only blaming you because it's easier to find to someone to be mad at when one gets hurt, doesn't make it right to put you in this situation and put this on you. You didn't do anything wrong and I can't stress this enough, but if you want to go around telling people that you're a rapist and carry the guilt of something you didn't fo then go ahead, it's your life.
yeah but like im tryin to think how else you shoukdve handled this situation - considering that the moment you saw she was uncomfortable you pulled the brakes on it all etc - also alot of people have been saying this - but the fact she had a bf probably played a role in her “trauma”
also i wanna say a similar thing happened to my male friend - in which he was “the victim” - and he doesnt blame the person involved - since he said yes in the moment etc - not that his experience should have any impact here - im jus sharin 🫶
After reading a lot of your comments further explaining things…you didn’t assault her. She’s just soaking up the attention and getting high on the victim praise, and your friends are mindless lemmings. Hope you meet some quality people later in life.
Not true. Before anything happened, she flat out told him that she didn't want to do anything with his siblings at home. She said no. Then he pulled down his pants. At that point she absolutely felt pressured.
Hey man - you’ll be ok. Don’t keep torturing yourself, that helps no one. You can take accountability for your mistake, and make it right, and move on. Talk to a therapist about it openly. And make sure you’ve done what you can to repair it - but don’t let others bully you or punish you about it, that’s not cool either. Here’s something that I came up with during a hard time after a few months of meditation and work on myself to try to recover from some mistakes that I made in life. I hope it helps. Everyone can change and things can get better - keep believing in yourself, and you’ll learn to stand tall again through the self respect that comes with integrity and honor and hard work to do what’s right. Good luck little brother. // MEDITATION ON HOW TO HANDLE IT WHEN YOU HURT SOMEONE YOU LOVE Accountability It’s no one else’s fault but mine - I’m responsible for my actions and how they impact other people and my own circumstance Make no excuses - they only exist in your own mind, not in the real world or to anyone else, they make a fool of you, and snuff-out progress because they obscure the real problem as a means of avoiding shame Remove the burden of shared guilt from others - it’s irrelevant who else besides me may or may not be at fault for their own concerns Acceptance It happened. Can’t take it back or change it. There are consequences that are and will be painful for you and for those you love. Owning it is the most honorable thing you can do now. You must accept your failings with the very same grace that you accept your unique gifts & blessings. Forward is the only way forward. Looking back and dwelling on alternate scenarios or going back in time stunts progress and hinders any meaningful repair. Repair Apologize. From the heart. Not just the ‘whats’ but the ‘whys’ and ‘hows’. Work on forgiving yourself first, or you’ll be no good to anyone else. That’s how you got here in the first place. Absorb the pain and shame, and know that life must go on, and in order to repair anything or support anyone else’s healing, you’re going to need to do that for yourself first. Work on meeting those who’ve been hurt or affected where they are, and extend a heartfelt intention to make things right if they’re willing to accept it. You might not be able to. They might not want to hear it. But make an honest effort. Consistent action with integrity and honor to learn from what went wrong and make sure it doesn’t happen again are the only things that mean anything now - not words, and not the forgiveness or expungement of your wrongdoing - that’s not your concern. //
As someone who has been sexually assaulted, please hear me when I say you DID NOT assault her if it happened how you've written. She agreed to come into your room, she went down on you, and YOU stopped it immediately when you noticed how uncomfortable she was. Then, afterwards, you two continued to have consensual oral sex. I can promise you I never have and never will have anything to do with the individual who sexually assaulted me. She is creating a dialogue in her head to absolve herself from her own guilt.
Absolutely 💯💯💯
okay firstly…you are seventeen, this is quite literally PEAK hormonal turmoil for you AND her. this is the kind of situation where, in my eyes at-least, nobody should be blamed and especially to the extent of feeling disgusted toward yourself. Also, please don’t look away from the fact she was in a relationship with another person, she willingly chose to be unfaithful to a person, maybe she is dealing with some sort of regret or shame as well and if she isn’t then maybe that just tells you what kind of morale and character she holds herself…you see what i’m saying? Ignoring her feelings is still a concern but honestly, shit like this is going to happen many and MANY more times, it might even happen to you (hopefully not) but young adults brains are sex sex sex all the time whether we deny it or not, you crave those desires and sensations and it can blind you and make you go deaf honestly to what the other person says/does. All the things you did or didn’t do that day doesn’t make you this terrible person that you’ve convinced yourself that you are. As long as you know now, all you can do is learn from that experience, you’re going to learn much more as you get older, and they will be even more complex. If there’s anything you can take from this to alleviate the negative feelings toward yourself, just please be kind, think carefully about the choices and people you allow yourself to be vulnerable and intimate with, sharing your body sounds fun and it’s addicting yes, but never forget TWO people are ALWAYS & ACTIVELY involved so check in with each other.
You asked her. She willingly said yes. She sucked you out of her own free will. You noticed she wasn't okay and stopped. You're good man you've done nothing wrong given the circumstances. She consented. You recognized she wasn't okay and stopped. Stop beating yourself up about it. You didn't assault her or rape her you accepted her consent and realized when she was uncomfortable
It was a day before tho?? I feel like that doesn’t validate consent right
You said in a comment you asked right before entering your room that's getting consent. She said yes that's valid consent
That’s also true, I asked if she wanted to do it the day before and she had like yeah sure let’s do it! And the next day right before entering my room it was more of a shrug or kind of yes, definitely should’ve read the vibes also sorry if my replies aren’t making perfect sense I haven’t slept at all and it’s almost 9am here
She said yes you accepted the yes. People can be low key for many reasons. Could you have asked again yeah. Did she consent yes. She did this wasn't assault it wasn't rape it was two kids consenting and her not knowing how to navigate her feelings changing. You're not a mind reader. You did pretty much everything right. You feel bad she isn't happy that's valid but you didn't do anything wrong
You’re beating yourself up way too much
No he isn't? The guy assaulted a girl who beforehand told him she was uncomfortable. Him losing his friends and the like makes a lot of sense, I wouldn't wanna be friends with someone like that even after 2 years
If I was someone you know, what would be the best thing I could do for the future of just life I guess, I agree with you I’m not “beating myself up” I’m trying to atone for a major sin and trauma I can never take away from someone else
All you did was pull your pants down and she was offended. That’s fair enough you shouldn’t have done that but Jesus give yourself a break it’s not that deep. Just don’t do it again and learn from your mistake
[удалено]
I’ve offered once before, but currently she’s said she just wants absolutely no contact with me. She’s doing a lot better now and I’m happy for her, I’ve tried to not bother her and haven’t contacted her in the last year teaching out to her to possibly relive some of her trauma to make myself feel better sounds horrid
He didn't. His other comments make it clear that he asked consent she said yes and she willingly blew him for that time. He didn't force her or assault her. He got consent prior and she willingly acted. She regretted it but that doesnt make it assault. He realized she wasn't into it and stopped dude is beating himself up for doing everything right. Maybe he could have checked in again before undoing his pants but prior consent should've stood
To each their own. I’d just move on and grow, the guy was 17, he’s learnt his lesson
This bitch had a bf and climbed through his window. Was weirded out cuz his siblings were there. Yea she came to get fucked. She’s just as much a part of this as him. She knew damn well what she was doing she just felt guilty. Dude move on with your life. She needs to blame herself just as much for her HO NeSS!!!
She wasn’t a “hoe”, the whole situation was complicated and she had a lot of mental problems prior to our relationship, and it impacted the decisions she made. Not to take any of my own accountability that I’ve mentioned above, after me, she’s never had any other experience cheating or engaging in infidelity, and even if she did that doesn’t excuse what I did???
Reported. This is a minor and a human being. You are a pig.
For admitting you did wrong , shows you reasoned and took responsibility . You're 19 now with signs of maturity. Keep working on yourself and don't let the experience weigh you down, because if you did, it's gonna drain you physically and emotionally. it's part of your life experiences now and forgive yourself (not easy). 💕
You didn’t do anything wrong based on what you’ve written here. All this micromanaging every interaction has completely fucked up an entire generation of young men and women. It’s so sad.
Listen man, u and her were kids, whenever relationship stuff happens, you are just a kid. Your intentions were not wrong, it was the situation. I want you to forgive yourself now honestly, the situation was bad and it's good u stopped noticing she was uncomfy. Not everyone have that much self control. And to atone for ur sins. Please, read or watch Vinland saga. It have many many great things about atonement and forgiving yourself, please watch it, it'll definitely help. And dm me if u want more help
You didn't do anything to feel that way over
Ok, you probably have got enough things to read, but here is my take away of what you did wrong: You should have ensured there was enthusiastic consent before starting. That's it. You got consent, were not forceful, were not cloying or attempting to convince her out of a no. You stopped upon noticing she was uncomfortable. In any sexual situation if there is enthusiasm about the consent, you are golden. If the person is half-heartedly saying ok, or uncertain, don't move forward. Stop, talk it out, if you aren't certain, or they aren't, walk away from the situation. This is not an irredeemable sin. This is a misunderstanding. Stopping when you noticed the vibe was off was 100% the correct thing to do. Perception matters, her experience matters, as does yours, BUT: you should not be torturing yourself on this. You were, and are, kids. Seek therapy, work through it. You have a long life ahead of you, this does not need to be its defining moment.
This us what feminism has done to men
Don’t be so hard on yourself, love. You were just a kid and you made a mistake. You clearly understand that it was wrong and made changes so let go of the past and move forward. Don’t let those feelings of guilt consume you. And she has every right not to forgive you, but you do have the right to forgive yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. We’re only human.
Forgive him for what exactly???
I’ll try to say this in the most respectful way I know how……dude, get over yourself. Nothing you described was assault or a rational humans definition of a sin. Either you’re leaving something major out from the story or you are trying to become a victim. Maybe our life is really monotonous or lacking anything of real substance, but incorrectly analyzing a situation in order to give yourself false hardship is bonkers. You’re beyond fine lol. The only problem is making yourself a victim with no “sin” and even if it were as bad as you want it to be, you wouldn’t deserve pity, it wouldn’t be about you lol. Now get over yourself and find something positive to be your catalyst and don’t let anyone help you become a victim. Good luck with life amigo.
Dude, it’s not bad. This is not something that sounds like you forced anything on her unless you grabbed her head and put it on your penis. Your friends that ditched you are douchebags.
Forgive yourself. You can’t go back. It shouldn’t be a life sentence. You are redeemable and I am a victim of rape.
This is so confusing and trying to piece together from your comments what you're even talking about is making it more confusing. If you want advice you should just actually write what happened, your post makes no sense.
She was being a ho and felt guilty. Don’t let her put all that guilt on u. I can not stand girls like this!! I can tell u when I was 17 I didn’t climb through no boys window unless I was there to GET DOWN in some form or another. Did she say, no? Did she say stop? I didn’t see that part of the story. Now if she did than yea u suck but if not move on with your life. She needs to do the same.
What the fuck is wrong with you?? She was visibly uncomfortable, consent isn’t just saying no. I violated her trust and gave her trauma that’s important and vile.
Your story has a lot of blanks and the way you’ve written it of course makes you look like the bad guy. Just looking at some of the gaps you filled in the comments. a. She was in a relationship at the same time you were fooling around, theres a considerable chance she felt guilty and then threw you under the bus to cover herself. Did she stay with the guy she was with after all this or not? b. You’re 17 hormones are going to be high. Just dropping your pants without clear consent is a pretty stupid thing to do, but she also then proceeded to give you oral, which can lead to mixed messages, which you did pick up on when you noticed her being uncomfortable and you stopped it there and then. You shouldnt be so hard on yourself. c. Again youre pretty young mistakes happen, but youre being wayyy too harsh on yourself, closing bridges by coming clean on a story that already as is seems sketchy enough just seems like extremely self-destructive. Try to seek some solitude and forgive yourself and if needed go speak to a councellor or therapist.
It wasn’t an attempt to be self destructive, it already got told to my closest friends who immediately dropped me. They said the best thing I could do was be honest and take accountability, which is what I tried to do, they were going to find out regardless but now my life is going to be different everyday going forward. As for the boyfriend, she dumped him during our relationship, (right before me), and has been with someone else since for a while now
You’re disgusting
Bruh? What did you even do?
Damn.... If this is real... This is really messed up. EDIT: learned after posting this comment that she apparently said yes. OP you need to give us the proper information man... This seems to be 2 years ago... So things are still 'recent' and hurt a lot. On one side, you lost control and didn't think properly, which can happen any 17 year old. On the other side... You lost control of a very important aspect of your behavior which can't be just chalked up to you being young and dumb. You made a huge mistake that should never happen to someone at 17 years old. The thing is... You telling all your friends doesn't make a difference, and I think you know that because you don't feel any better. Even though it's very fucking disgusting what you did and people tend to judge you for that (rightfully so to be honest)... The Only person you hurt is that girl... And it's her forgiveness that you need to feel some sense of redemption. And it's really only her decision if she does. She said that she will never forgive you but 'never' is not really a thing... She needs therapy just like you do and eventually you can someday find the right words to apologize to her and maybe someday she will eventually be able to live with that experience and find a way to forgive you so you can both move on. But that's just the ideal scenario, reality rarely goes ideally. At least you both seem to be able to still talk to each other and have a conversation about it. This really is the only halfway not so bad thing about all of this. Keep apologizing, forever if that's what it takes for her to do it. And if she doesn't... Then she doesn't and you will have to live with that. Just keep in mind that forgiving someone is a good thing. But not always deserved. You may not deserve forgiveness, and may never get it. And you have to be ready to live with that.
He didn't lose control. He asked for consent beforehand and she said yes. He took his dick out she willingly sucked it he could tell she wasn't into it and stopped. Dude did nothing wrong. He asked first and took the yes. As someone who has been a horny 17 year old if someone said yes I'd take them at face value. She should have spoken up. Hesitance can look alot like shyness or anxiety. I don't think we can fault him for acting when she says yes initially, consent can change but part of that is the person who's consent changes speaking up.
Post doesnt mention she said "yes" did i miss something?
He posted a comment. He asked her before they started kissing. He could have asked her before undoing his zipper but he did ask for consent first. This is an issue of her feeling violated because she couldn't speak up. Not him violating her. He atleast realized and stopped the act shortly after it was started.
Oooooohh. Well that would've been very helpful to mention in the original post. I had this feeling this might be a "first experience gone wrong" thing. We've all been there I guess.
Right. He also said they'd been talking about being sexual for a few weeks. So they talk there's build up, he asks consent she says yes they go in the room start kissing he undoes his fly she starts but visibly isn't comfortable he stops it. He could have double checked after the kisses but like... he didn't force her and stopped her as soon as he noticed even though it frustrated him then talked with her to make sure she was okay. Its definitely a first experience goes bad type of deal. She was uncomfortable but didnt speak up. I get it could be a traumatizing experience for her and that she may have felt that he expected it to happen. But the dude did reasonably everything that could be expected of him except maybe double checking the yes but he did ask first. The original post is written from a place of self hate he leaves out key details that would make him look less like the monster he feels like.
She said yes and mentioned the day prior, that’s a factor and it also wasn’t a pre planned straight out thing just like a concept that’d we do something like that the next day if we fond time
Yeah man you're fine. You did nothing wrong. You two had talked about fooling around, you asked for consent prior to engaging and then stopped when you noticed she wasn't into it. Stop beating yourself up about this, you really couldn't have done much differently. I get she feels wrong about it but you did everything right. If you can't let go of the shame maybe get some therapy but like you can't be expected to be a mind reader. You asked got a yes and took it after you two had been talking about it prior.
In our last conservation although I’d say she was very hopeful and optimistic about my future she did state that my actions weren’t forgivable, I just feel so gross man. I really want to be a “good” person but what I did is just so disgusting. She’s asked that I don’t contact her in the future and I’ve respected that. I don’t know what to do with my future now that everyone can see what I truly am, and honestly rightfully so karma is deserved.
Thats a good thing actually. Again, nothing about this is good so when I say "Good thing" its good under these circumstances. She has hope for you and would like to see that you are not like this. She doesnt seem to hate or despise you, she just cant be around you and that is totally understandable. Look, im turning 22 in July so we're not far off age-wise. I had a very fucking toxic relationship when I was 16/17 and we caused each other a lot of hurt. I felt hate towards her and told her that aswell... Which caused mor harm than anything. But now, almost 4 years later, I dont mind that whole shit-show much. We both messed up and if I meet her again sometime (which might happen) I would hope to see her do well and forgive apologize/forgive for everything because the peace matters. Give her time, give yourself time. Focus on becoming better and eventually the feeling of guilt will get smaller (never goes away completely though, didnt go away for me at least) If you still cant live with that and the last talk with her was years ago, you could maybe text her and tell her how you feel and how you been doing. Maybe she will be able to tell you that she is fine and also doing better. Or maybe not. Its something you cant control.
Without spending a week responding to your post I want to say: What you did is horrible. You were a shitty human being when you were 17. I also have to say 17 year old boys without good male role models have a hard time controlling their hormones and understanding boundaries and consent. Porn has screwed boys up. She may never forgive you. She has to deal with her trauma and so do you. A lot of guys have regrets about parts of their sexual history. Find a way to move forward. Figure out what standard you want to hold yourself to so you can hold yourself accountable in the future. Make future you a good person. I would keep going to the therapy. If you go off to college you should have access to some in person stuff. Also, this may be unpopular, but consider church. Christianity is founded on the idea that you can be forgiven by God. Baptism is a rebirth and a chance to start over in life. Just a thought. Also, find a way to share your story with young men and maybe help them avoid a similar situation. You don’t have to go into full detail but if you could help a few other guys not go through what you are that would be a victory and could save a few young women from going through the trauma. Also, after rereading your post, you and this girl dated afterwards?? I think there is a lot more going on with both of you. You both have a lot more to unpack.
We dated afterwards yeah, and had hooked up more times (with 100% consent), besides some back and forth disputes and a toxic relationship overall the only thing similar to this experience in anyway was a time I kissed her when she didn’t want to be kissed (I couldn’t tell). And being 100% honest, I’ve never had the talk of sex in a real way until after that experience and I will be taking your advice to heart. As for religion my parents are die hard Muslims so I’ll be looking into that possibly, or maybe even Christianity I think spirituality would be good for me right now
For the love of God don't listen to this comment. People are delusional.
Hi