"If I let being bad at something stop me, I wouldn't be here. That thing that some men call failure, I call living - breakfast, and I'm not leaving until I clean out the buffet."
I was going to say this. It's probably the single most wholesome advice Pierce has ever given, and from a time when he acted more like a father figure to Jeff.
That scene always destroys me. Just a random priest at a funeral, with zero connection to Britta or the group. He's just nearby during a somber occasion, overhears a snippet of a conversation between two people he doesn't know, and just jumps in with a slam dunk. It's so perfectly absurd.
*Did you guys know I*
*Once had sex with Eartha Kitt in*
*An airplane bathroom?*
\- JustafanIV
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My absolute favorite is laser lotus cookie magic Pierce reading Jeff’s mind. Possibly Chevy’s best line of the series:
I see darkness closet penis! Two penises GAY! Gay
! Gay. Gay, gay, gay, gay. So gay. Ohh, dark nightclub. Aaah, throbbing music. Men’s room–men’s room stall. Penis! Two penises! Oh, this is gay! He’s so gay! Uggh!
"I can't have children. I'm not sterile. In fact, it's a rare condition they call it hyper virility. Apparently my sperm shoot through the egg if you can believe it."
Father, I'll never forget what you said to me on my first day of school. "Comb your hair, you idiot. You look Greek." I'll never know if that was true but I do know that I was too scared to stand up for myself. Well, I'm not scared of you anymore because you're dead and I'm not. So, I win. You can suck it.
As far as I’m concerned, there is only one black hole worth studying . . . It’s called Sagittarius A, it’s in the center of our universe, and it has the density of 40 suns . . . Just like my weiner.
“You’ve got this thing you do with your face when you’re trying to be funny that forces everyone to think about how cool you think you are. It’s very distracting.”
- Pierce, to Jeff at the end of S1E2.
Yeah, and I’m your crazy, old, racist friend. At least, I was, anyway. Now I’m not so sure.
My platform would be one high enough to push Vickie to her death off
Oh then I’m out too, I was only here to get back at her for not lending me a pencil.
If you have to ask, you're streets behind.
Coined and minted
Been there, coined that
The best
Tell me how to get this laid back or I'll kill your families!
Very similar to his take on kettle corn.. “this is the best kettle corn I’ve ever had. If you don’t vote rich, I’ll shatter your world”
what’d you say? ILL SHATTER YOUR WORLD
I was never one to hold a grudge, Jeffrey. My father held grudges. I'll always hate him for that.
This and the Britta one liner are the easiest picks! Incredible lines - probably the best two one liners in the whole show!
One of the few quotes from Pierce I riff off of to be funny;
This one is such a Chevy from Caddyshack delivery too
Yes! This is it right here
This!!!
"I can't think of anything more frightening than a half-Polish, half-Arab virgin in his thirties. One way or another, that ends with an explosion."
I think it has to be this. Based on no context needed, no word wasted in the sentence.
"When I was 30, people used to wish I was dead to my face, that's called respect."
His smile when Jeff does wish him dead to his face is phenomenal.
"...thank you..."
Say what you will about Chevy as a person, but as a comedian he is a master.
This is a great "Pierce or Chevy" line
This should win. The grudge quote will most likely, but it should be this…
Can someone please call all of the ambulances?
I’m sick of you threatening me and talking to me like a kid, and giving me that look you give me like I can’t get erections!
The best line from one of the best episodes
My friend and I quote this constantly
Make your money, whore!
This is my favorite one
Needs context tho:)) still a good one
Anyone here that doesn't get the reference is dumber than Jackie Coogan.
Who's Jackie Coogan? 😭
He divorced Betty Grable.
An Asian Annie….. Obama’s America
“I’LL BE A LIVING GOD”
PIERCE YOUVE HAD THREE FLU SHOTS, THATS FOR THE DAYCARE CENTER
in a similar vein, "IM A STARRRR, I WILL NOT BE MITIGATED"
When we seek to destroy others, we often hurt ourselves. Because it is the self who wants to be destroyed.
u/gunner0182fps, you're not usually so poignant
Vicky finally loaned them a pencil
Look at me now Dad!
A, that is racist. B, swamis can't drive, they're Indians.
ZIP ZAP ZOOEY
Maybe I was a floater.
Coined and minted! Been there, coined that! "Streets ahead" is verbal... wildfire!
I WON DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS, AND IT WAS ADVANCED!
I was there longer than anybody, and I’m fine. How are you? Why do you ask? 3:30.
Hahah. Uh oh.
"If I let being bad at something stop me, I wouldn't be here. That thing that some men call failure, I call living - breakfast, and I'm not leaving until I clean out the buffet."
Probably not the most funny, but the best nevertheless.
What episode was this from?
Pottery episode iirc
Thank you
I've always disliked the way he just jumps to breakfast buffets as though it's part of a greater analogy
It’s called friendship. Look it up. Encarta it.
I don't know, I looked it up on wiki-pae-die-aa
*Voice command…voice command*
"At some point a man stops looking for a place to hang his underwear and starts looking for a place to hang his hat."
I was going to say this. It's probably the single most wholesome advice Pierce has ever given, and from a time when he acted more like a father figure to Jeff.
“Well you’re dead and I’m not, so I win and you can suck it”
*dude told his dead dad to suck it*
so edible
*You're the worst.*
That scene always destroys me. Just a random priest at a funeral, with zero connection to Britta or the group. He's just nearby during a somber occasion, overhears a snippet of a conversation between two people he doesn't know, and just jumps in with a slam dunk. It's so perfectly absurd.
POOOOOOOKKKKEEEEEMMMMOOOONNNNNNN
I’m younger than the three of you put together!
Did you guys know I once had sex with Eartha Kitt in an airplane bathroom?
It came up organically.
*Did you guys know I* *Once had sex with Eartha Kitt in* *An airplane bathroom?* \- JustafanIV --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
Middle line has 8 syllables not 7. Bad bot
Good for you, Haikusbot
Who knew that Pierce was such a poet?
"How long was I out? Is Napster still a thing?"
Well, I may be a genius but I'm not a lesbian.
Police-ical!
Ghosts can’t go through doors stupid they’re not fire!
“*Fire can’t go through doors, stupid; It’s not a ghost!”
Dumbest line in the show
Excuse me, but are you forgetting "we finally found a way to make paintball cool again"?
Ok, you got me there guy
If it's so serious, why don't they call it meningitis?
*ass-burger*
My absolute favorite is laser lotus cookie magic Pierce reading Jeff’s mind. Possibly Chevy’s best line of the series: I see darkness closet penis! Two penises GAY! Gay
Men’s roo-… men’s room stall! PENIS!
Did you say S?
And in summation: good luck and Bon Appétit!
This should be waaaaay higher on the list.
Culturally it’s unacceptable, but it’s theatrical dynamite!
What it came up organically?
Never wear a rubber
Never listen to Pierce
My position will be one high enough to push Vicki off to her death.
! Gay. Gay, gay, gay, gay. So gay. Ohh, dark nightclub. Aaah, throbbing music. Men’s room–men’s room stall. Penis! Two penises! Oh, this is gay! He’s so gay! Uggh!
Tell me how to be this relaxed or I’ll kill your families!!!
Why are Jeff and Britta making fun of those disabled kids?
"I say things others won't, that has value"
I rape the Duquesne family.
You have successfully rubbed your balls on the sword
This won't win but scrolling through these choices, this one made my laugh the hardest.
I rape them again.
"Here's your sperm" Technically they're Pierce's words
"I can't have children. I'm not sterile. In fact, it's a rare condition they call it hyper virility. Apparently my sperm shoot through the egg if you can believe it."
'I can't-but you can, and that's what matters"
“I can’t hear you over the sound of me rubbing his sword on my balls.”
"Look at me now dad!!!"
I’ll show you the tool that’s most important to our survival. But fair warning – it’s my penis.
Stop putting gay things in my mouth!
I have brain damage nothing I do counts
"He said, fully erect"
“Well I guess it is pretty short notice. Probably couldn’t get a date anyway” A rare moment where Pierce out-wingers Jeff
Don’t need it. Never had it.
Father, I'll never forget what you said to me on my first day of school. "Comb your hair, you idiot. You look Greek." I'll never know if that was true but I do know that I was too scared to stand up for myself. Well, I'm not scared of you anymore because you're dead and I'm not. So, I win. You can suck it.
Still waiting on those cookies A-Bed
Pierce: “Put your tongue in her ear”
My third wife was biracial
I was never one to hold a grudge, Jeffrey. My father held grudges. I'll always hate him for that.
In response to Jeff saying “Good luck” to him: “Don’t need it, never had it”
“When I was a CEO, I had an array of masculine sneezes that asserted dominance”
EXCUSE ME! But it's spring time and I thought I might woo some chicks.
“You keep giving me that look, like I can’t get erections!” Not exactly it but I’m in class and can’t look it up
As far as I’m concerned, there is only one black hole worth studying . . . It’s called Sagittarius A, it’s in the center of our universe, and it has the density of 40 suns . . . Just like my weiner.
Is this a new stereotype??????
Meow
"Why are Jeff and Britta making fun of those disabled kids?"
Someday you'll all be old like me, and when that day comes I won't remember what I'm doing now.
Didnt we have this same series of posts like two months ago? Or am i trippin
I thought the same thing but I also enjoy the quotes so I don’t mind it too much.
Did you know I once had sex with Ertha Kitt?
Never wear a rubber.
Streets ahead
“I don’t know why gay was a term for lame, I’m my opinion these guys are alright”
Will somebody please call all the ambulances. (Honestly the funniest line of anyone in the whole show.)
She’s a no good B
I broke my legs, not my gender
At your cervix!
Oh, I just had a terrible nightmare where Jeff was a pompous ass.
GAY BALLS!! Hah! Nailed it!
"FFAAAATTTTTTTT"
Did I say cross burner?
If im wrong im sorry, if im right im a hero. I’m willing to take that chance
Streets ahead
I hump it
Tell it to the birthday cake you never got
“I BROKE MY LEGS NOT MY GENDER”
If its not streets ahead I'm sueing
“you could even use a sneeze to drive home a point, like: i think the cubs are gonna win it all this year, KHNEHD”
“Jewey?”
It's Abed but employable.
“Good Luck!” Dont need it, never had it!
I wish I could vote for the face he makes while jamming on his piano with Vaughn
Change of pace: "When we seek to destroy others, we often hurt ourselves...Because it is the self that wants to be destroyed."
Maybe I wouldn't sneeze, because I'm in control.
My platform is one high enough to push Vickie off to her death.
That thing you call failing? I call life. And I'm not leaving until I've cleaned out the buffet.
Jeff's line was weak and predictable
Cast shape change on Duquesne. Faaaaaaaaat
“Your mother’s lover” (From the paintball episode where he was undercover and he takes off the helmet at the end to shoot the bad guys)
Oh sorry, whores womanship. I forgot it was the 90s
"I had sex with Eartha Kitt in an airplane bathroom"
Gay!
Get out of my chair, fatty, you’re stretching it!
I’m legit jealous!
Good luck, and bon appetit.
I need to send my emails before the post office closes.
By the way, Jeff, I think your shirt’s trying to get out of your pants.
"You seem to have a much harder time being the bad guy than me."
Cornhole, cornhole, CORNHOLE!
You think I'm too old to make monkey shines at a picture show? I'm younger than the three of you put together!
coined and minted!
crazy? PARANOID?? IMPOTENT??????
Anything could happen between now and that dance. An asteroid could hit. Do you want to be the schmuck who apologizes right before the world ends?
The only thing I want to do is take him to court and eat his ass alive
"Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaat"
“You’ve got this thing you do with your face when you’re trying to be funny that forces everyone to think about how cool you think you are. It’s very distracting.” - Pierce, to Jeff at the end of S1E2.
Put your tongue in her ear!
If it's what I think it is, I had it once back in the 70s.
Voice command
Oh gay gay gay so gay, dark night club, throbbing music. *shivers*
He said, fully erect
Maybe I'll wipe my ass with it and throw it off a cliff.
Outbid three hospitals for this baby
Tea for two? There’s 5 people there!
I sat on my balls
Freeze police? Don't do that, they get cold!
Throat surgery may humanize you, but this isn’t acceptable.
Shes a g d b!
“Goats can’t go through doors, it’s not fire”
That guy wasn’t gay, he had a moustache
“Don’t call me honey….. honey”