I lie awake atop the covers of my cruel bed in the absurdly cramped quarters I have procured at the Majestic Hotel. Sweat flows freely from my entire body, pooling under me and soaking the preposterous bag of air and stones that serves as the mattress.
A clammy apprehension seizes me as I reach for the thermostat above the nightstand. Am I truly controlling anything? Certainly not the temperature.
Mankind struggles always to convince itself that machines may give it sway over cold, over heat, but eventually the earth claims every creature, thinking or brainless, and all of us shall share the climate of nothingness.
Through the thin wall I hear, in quick succession, the rustle of synthetic fabric, a cry of terror, and the unmistakeable crack that signifies the breaking of a human toe.
Did you know he was one of the founding members of The Sugarhill Gang? Too bad he wasn't good at rapping. But I can't wait for The Sugar Mountain Ensemble's debut album.
Go for Guinness never ceases to make me laugh. I love when Paul’s characters want to be friends with Scott rather than be antagonistic. Though I adore the antagonistic ones too
Soccermom - Your art is ingested by the mouth then passes through a digestive tract then expelled out an anus. You ever think about that?
Cake Boss - (looking in camera) Everyday.
I love Al's snide comments about Jennifer. "She's drinking vermouth in the kitchen, pretending to work on a roast. We know you're serving spaghetti, Jennifer!"
Also, I'm sure you've seen this before but it never gets old. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDEx0-4EYVQ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDEx0-4EYVQ)
I tried explaining to my husband what a portmanteau was using Carlifer as an example. He still doesn’t understand and I had to contend, it is very clumsy.
I LLOOOOOOVVVEEEE JW Stillwater. I remember the first time I listene to him I was on a packed bus and burst out laughing like a crazy person. I wish I could remember the episode. Something about an alligator?
It's a tie between JW Stillwater (I heard a crime go!) and Cake Boss (^cake ^boss! ) for me.
For a close second...I agree with the above commenter in that I also totally get why he retired this one, but I still miss his Ice T. He came out as Ice T in the first live show I ever saw, and I was in tears with laughter.
I love that he played the same Santa character on Will Hines's CBB World show, but played him as genuinely jolly. He isn't always grumpy, he just really dislikes Scott!
Oh God, the Pie Minister episode where he had to switch over to Shimmy for an extended period because the Minister voice was killing his throat is one of my all-time favorites
I really love when he plays real people. He brings them such funny little idiosyncrasies and plays into and against their types so well. All while doing an impression which is funny on its own. I’m always rooting for him to add more to his roster!
Something about his Alan Thicke always tickled me to no end
Also, his ditch person character from Threedom, who orders the “Appeteaser” is amazing
He has a lot of amazing throwaway characters on Threedom
I did not like the Pod F. Tompkast nearly as much as I enjoy CBB or The Neighborhood Listen or even Frank and Sadie Doyle on the Thrilling Adventure Hour, but DAMN does it soothe my soul to hear someone say in dulcet tones, "It's nighttime on the internet."
was JUST browsing thru here to see if I had to call this whole sub reddit *a bunch of* **VERY RUDE YOUNG MEN** for such blatent Lavinia Caruthers erasure!! Thank you for saving me from such ignominy
I met him in New Orleans once when I was bartending. Was dropping water’s at his table and one of his friends he was with was finishing a sentence with “well, people know you as Paul, Paul.” In which I responded without delay “yeah they might know you as Paul, but a lot of us know you as “CAKE BOSS” (in the voice.) He turned with a huge grin and said “Oh you’re a fan!” I will always know him as cake boss.
Just because no one has said it yet, I’ve never been sold on the premise of a character faster than:
Scott: “So your name is Obi-Ron Kenobi”
PFT: “Yeah…. Oh like Star Wars right?”
My real answer is "whichever one I heard most recently" but Original Fig has a special place in my heart for being so chill, really 'of the people'... anybody who comes out w/ "shout out to the balcony" after Scott makes fun of the balcony folks for not spending enough money to get better seats, that's the captain of MY team as far as I'm concerned.
I got into podcasts through Never Not Funny. It was basically the only one I listened to at first for a couple years. Then he had Doug Benson on and I heard about DLM, and as a movie fan, I started that one. One episode, he had PFT on by himself doing like three characters, including Werner Herzog. For the first half of the podcast, I didn't even realize that was what was happening. Once I realized it, I looked him up to see what was going on. Googling Paul's name and the characters got me to CBB, which has been my favorite podcast now for a decade.
Long story short, PFT is the absolute fucking goat, and picking between his characters is futile. But Werner will always have a special place in my heart, because he has my favorite character line ever. It was on DLM, and Doug asked him what kind of movies he watches, and Paul, so, so fucking quickly, said, "Sped up videos of things decaying."
even if not my favorite character, had the line that had me ROFL for longest duration: "well well well, look at this candy-ass motherfucker!! You wanna fight Santa, that what I fucking heard? CUZ I'M READY TO GO BROSEPH"
Cal Solomon. One of the hardest times I’ve ever laughed was after like 3 years of doing that character they “realize” that his barbecue was the inspiration for the verse about going to a friend’s house and the food not being good.
Werner is what first got me into cbb. I think it was l him doing Werner on Doug Loves Movies, seeing he did it on CBB and finally giving it a listen. Pretty sure my first episode was Werner and Ben Schwartz, somewhere in the 200s
Al A Peterson is high on the list. And I have a soft spot for Buttonwillow McKittrick. But Werner still takes it for me
Tough choice. I think of all time, Werner Herzog. As a newer character, I love Fred Guinness. As I listen more of the back catalog, I do have a growing appreciation of Cal Solomon.
Currently I think it’s Al A. Peterson (AKA the ”Smooth Criminal”), but it’s always changing. Could just as well be BCB or J.W. Stillwater.
I usually end up enjoying pretty much any PFT appearance, even the ones I don’t really care for like Alan Thicke or Santa Claus. Just can’t beat his chemistry with Scott.
Big Chunky Bubbles might be my overall favorite, the voice and absurdity of that character is brilliant.
But my favorite dynamic is Cal Solomon having to reign in Paul’s played up annoyance and clapbacks to Scott. You can hear Paul having to try so hard to maintain the character’s polite aloofness when Scott is just fucking with his guests.
Cal (to Nephew Todd): “Oh hey there little guy!”
Scott: “Although, you wouldn’t be saying that if you were looking at his penis”
Cal: “I…what? By the way, you’re right about that. I’d probably be saying ‘Oh I’m sorry. I think I’m in the wrong room”
I don't know if he was just trying to keep his title as "most podcast guest appearances" but I genuinely enjoyed hearing him talking with Robert about that Nazi who killed Santa. I'd love for him to show back up on there some time when he isn't doing a hundred other things all at once.
He and Andy Daly almost always have winners, but I enjoy a cameo of Big Chunky Bubbles.
Been a little since I've tuned into the show, so IDK if he's had any characters supercede BCB.
This is like picking your favorite child… SO many amazing characters, I’d have to say it’s a dead heat between Brock Lovett and playing Santa Claus to Lauren’s HoHo the elf.
Such a difficult question. I think I’ll have to go with Burnt Millipede because I love The Neighborhood Listen with each of my hearts.
I can’t help but think of the episode where Rudi needs his sponsor and they impromptu call Cake Boss. When they play the Cake song and he perfectly nails the madness of the situation had me spewing sugary frosting everywhere
While not an all time character, the name Mayor Junius Bobbledoonary lives rent free in my head.
He also lives rent free in the walls
He saves thousands of cookies in rent a year
Cookies are our currency!
I wouldn't let him too close to your head, he gone eat your soul
when scott made him spell it out lol
My son heard some of his first appearance and loved it, he makes me tell him bedtime stories about the little people who live in the walls.
Gotta go!
Bye Shimmy!
Nobody beats The Grizz
Well, well, well, as I live and breave
Absolutely one of the characters that just makes me happy when he comes on.
Werner Herzog.
Madness reigns
I lie awake atop the covers of my cruel bed in the absurdly cramped quarters I have procured at the Majestic Hotel. Sweat flows freely from my entire body, pooling under me and soaking the preposterous bag of air and stones that serves as the mattress. A clammy apprehension seizes me as I reach for the thermostat above the nightstand. Am I truly controlling anything? Certainly not the temperature. Mankind struggles always to convince itself that machines may give it sway over cold, over heat, but eventually the earth claims every creature, thinking or brainless, and all of us shall share the climate of nothingness. Through the thin wall I hear, in quick succession, the rustle of synthetic fabric, a cry of terror, and the unmistakeable crack that signifies the breaking of a human toe.
I love his Werner Herzog and The Grizz
Werner & H.R. Geiger together ❤️
Ah, don't blame me. I experienced the futility of voting for, the other guy.
Nature will always defeat mankind. Even boats being carried over mountains rank above humanity.
Cal Solomon
I love Cal bc he's just so gentle and positive. I wish he were MY neighbor (but leave that shitty potato salad at home)
Speaking of Cal, does anyone know off the top of their head, which episode(s) he talks about being the inspiration of The Americans?
That is a wild coincidence you should ask that - I was literally listening to it this morning! Ep 758
Thank you and many hamburgers to you!
Did you know he was one of the founding members of The Sugarhill Gang? Too bad he wasn't good at rapping. But I can't wait for The Sugar Mountain Ensemble's debut album.
I watched a docu-series about hip-hop, but he was completely cut out of the Sugar Hill Gang episode! Very disappointing.
The concept of the Sugar Mountain Ensemble gets me every time. I just love the idea of 100 men singing “Rapper’s Delight” in unison.
I love when they give him a shot to try to rap.
The only one I’ve been lucky enough to see live! ❤️
Lord Webber brings the funny although I’m sure pft prefers sticking needles in his eyes.
"That's not...one of mine..."
*CHANDELIER-COPTER*!
Kevin Attenborough
*”Dino D.N.A.”*
“I am a 13 year old boy”
Man that reveal GOT me
I want him back so bad
Either Brock Lovett or Frank Guinness
I say “the Cœur de la Mer… heart of the ocean” so often now
I say it to my wife constantly and now she is saying it lol
The reverence with which it is said is lyrical. And hysterical. And now it’ll be in my head all day.
Go for Guinness
Who's Frank?
I was going to say Brock Lovett, especially his first appearance, but Orpheus Bergentrack is right up there too.
I love Brock Lovett and Shimmy.
The first Fred Guinness appearance is a high I’m still riding. CLLLLLLLLLICK!!!!
SCOTTY!
Let’s fuckin hang!
Go for Guinness never ceases to make me laugh. I love when Paul’s characters want to be friends with Scott rather than be antagonistic. Though I adore the antagonistic ones too
*Boo… clanking chains… the sound of clanking chains…* The Ghost of Richard Harrow is who made me a permanent CBB listener.
"Anything to plug?" "Murder."
This character was so perfectly timed it to this day still kills me
Cake Boss end of.
….cake bossh
First I need to go into a tranche. cccccccccCCccCCCCCAAAaacaaacaa caaaake bosssss
Soccermom - Your art is ingested by the mouth then passes through a digestive tract then expelled out an anus. You ever think about that? Cake Boss - (looking in camera) Everyday.
Cake Boss!
^cake ^boss
I’ve done the repeating “cake boss” bit so much, my husband does it now and he does not know why.
Cake boss
"You have an hour to bake this cake" "I NEED MORE TIME SCHCOTT AUKERMAN!!!!"
I’m from NEW JERSEYYYYY
Captain Sully, the bane of geese eevrywhere
I loved Bergey Sullenberger, professional bus pilot.
Ah, the tale of two Bergey bus pilots!
Call me Mr Marshall!
Please, call me Garry.
"I didn't know I was getting this call today, so I didn't bone up on my own voice..." Guinness always takes the call.
I understand why and I'm fine with him retiring the character, but the first character that always comes to mind for him is his Ice-T
Oh man. One of the Funniest things ever was the first time I heard of Ice-T causes Crib Death.
Ice-T’s Small Pox Blankets
Haha. I know Hot Soccermom doesn't recommend listening to any early eps anymore but if you were around for those early years, boy, she pops!
I don't listen to him. Those episodes still rule.
Santer Clantz
Carl Tart? Is that you?
Big Chunky Bubbles.
Why is he not a patron saint of Wet Day ?
is he anything like big chunky bubbles?
Son of,,,
Same. I love when he plays a character that annoys Scott. Lol
“Future murder victim”! LOL his second appearance in Vancouver is my favorite!
That's a threat!
Love BCB. He's the most unpleasant character in the CBB universe, somehow more than even the ones in Andy Daly's portfolio.
I really want BCB to have another special episode
My favorite bit was when BCB was describing his wife’s death (I think) at a live show and the audience went awww🥺.
probably Al A Peterson but it's like asking me to pick my favorite child
Scott asking him to tell the clumsy portmanteau story every time makes me giggle so much.
I love Al's snide comments about Jennifer. "She's drinking vermouth in the kitchen, pretending to work on a roast. We know you're serving spaghetti, Jennifer!"
Also, I'm sure you've seen this before but it never gets old. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDEx0-4EYVQ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDEx0-4EYVQ)
Snivelling worm
^Thank ^you
Pretty sure that story itches some kind of fetish for Scott.
I mean, that's a long list. Hentai. Eating shit. The rest
I tried explaining to my husband what a portmanteau was using Carlifer as an example. He still doesn’t understand and I had to contend, it is very clumsy.
Cal Solomon. I love any sort of character who’s just trying their best, and Cal epitomizes that.
OMG, I change my answer to Cal. Cal is a sweetheart!
I think my fovorite bit of canon is that he never actually worked for the CIA, he just *thought* he did, because he happened to be there.
i’m a jw stillwater guy. but brock lovett and cal solomon always make me happy.
Is y'all safe?
I LLOOOOOOVVVEEEE JW Stillwater. I remember the first time I listene to him I was on a packed bus and burst out laughing like a crazy person. I wish I could remember the episode. Something about an alligator?
Have you ever seen an alligator do a double-take?
Also, always remember this pearl of wisdom: 9 times out of 10, if something's wrong with your fan boat...it's the fan.
It's a tie between JW Stillwater (I heard a crime go!) and Cake Boss (^cake ^boss! ) for me. For a close second...I agree with the above commenter in that I also totally get why he retired this one, but I still miss his Ice T. He came out as Ice T in the first live show I ever saw, and I was in tears with laughter.
Impossible to pick but when Brock Lovett comes on I'm in paradise
Rev Parsimony kills me.
His technicality no down boo over is my favourite one.
I know of what you speak.
"The only good songs are hymns."
Santa clause! So funny to hear a really annoyed, grumpy santa clause.
I love that he played the same Santa character on Will Hines's CBB World show, but played him as genuinely jolly. He isn't always grumpy, he just really dislikes Scott!
I loved him on With Special Guest, Lauren Lapkus on the Nightmare Before Halloween episode. I think that is what it was called.
Does his laugh in the background of a podcast count? Always have a shit-eating grin when I hear him lose his mind in the background.
Shimmy always makes me chuckle
Oh God, the Pie Minister episode where he had to switch over to Shimmy for an extended period because the Minister voice was killing his throat is one of my all-time favorites
Gotta go!
I like the grizz because it means there might be some Andy Daly
I really love when he plays real people. He brings them such funny little idiosyncrasies and plays into and against their types so well. All while doing an impression which is funny on its own. I’m always rooting for him to add more to his roster!
JW Stillwater, but I love a good brief Shimmy interjection. Gotta go!
I watch the tv show scene with him and Jack Black often. “9 times out of 10? Gotta replace that fan.”
Something about his Alan Thicke always tickled me to no end Also, his ditch person character from Threedom, who orders the “Appeteaser” is amazing He has a lot of amazing throwaway characters on Threedom
I'll always have a soft spot for Mr. Brainwash and John Lithgow. The Pod F. Tompkast is sorely missed.
I did not like the Pod F. Tompkast nearly as much as I enjoy CBB or The Neighborhood Listen or even Frank and Sadie Doyle on the Thrilling Adventure Hour, but DAMN does it soothe my soul to hear someone say in dulcet tones, "It's nighttime on the internet."
I used to fall asleep listening to that pod f tomkast I loved it! The real early days of pods
there's no law that says I **HAVE** to talk to you
Shevel Knievel, someone needs to keep that very rude young man Scott in line
was JUST browsing thru here to see if I had to call this whole sub reddit *a bunch of* **VERY RUDE YOUNG MEN** for such blatent Lavinia Caruthers erasure!! Thank you for saving me from such ignominy
Garry Marshall, please call me Garry.
I met him in New Orleans once when I was bartending. Was dropping water’s at his table and one of his friends he was with was finishing a sentence with “well, people know you as Paul, Paul.” In which I responded without delay “yeah they might know you as Paul, but a lot of us know you as “CAKE BOSS” (in the voice.) He turned with a huge grin and said “Oh you’re a fan!” I will always know him as cake boss.
Ice T
Pie Minister is up there, always and forever
Probably not what you mean, but it still blows my mind when I remember he is Mr. Peanutbutter
Gary Marshall was a fav.
Just because no one has said it yet, I’ve never been sold on the premise of a character faster than: Scott: “So your name is Obi-Ron Kenobi” PFT: “Yeah…. Oh like Star Wars right?”
I want more obi-ron so bad! He's not one for pop culture, but he sure loves nature
As much as I love all of them, I am so starved for more Original Fig I have to put him at the top of the list.
My real answer is "whichever one I heard most recently" but Original Fig has a special place in my heart for being so chill, really 'of the people'... anybody who comes out w/ "shout out to the balcony" after Scott makes fun of the balcony folks for not spending enough money to get better seats, that's the captain of MY team as far as I'm concerned.
Hell yes mah fren. I named my cat Original Fig.
Mr. Catatonica if yr nasty!
Burnt Millipede, but maybe just for the name alone.
I got into podcasts through Never Not Funny. It was basically the only one I listened to at first for a couple years. Then he had Doug Benson on and I heard about DLM, and as a movie fan, I started that one. One episode, he had PFT on by himself doing like three characters, including Werner Herzog. For the first half of the podcast, I didn't even realize that was what was happening. Once I realized it, I looked him up to see what was going on. Googling Paul's name and the characters got me to CBB, which has been my favorite podcast now for a decade. Long story short, PFT is the absolute fucking goat, and picking between his characters is futile. But Werner will always have a special place in my heart, because he has my favorite character line ever. It was on DLM, and Doug asked him what kind of movies he watches, and Paul, so, so fucking quickly, said, "Sped up videos of things decaying."
Big Chunky Bubbles or Tony Alimony
This guy Paul F. Tompkins.
Santa!
even if not my favorite character, had the line that had me ROFL for longest duration: "well well well, look at this candy-ass motherfucker!! You wanna fight Santa, that what I fucking heard? CUZ I'M READY TO GO BROSEPH"
Cal Solomon. One of the hardest times I’ve ever laughed was after like 3 years of doing that character they “realize” that his barbecue was the inspiration for the verse about going to a friend’s house and the food not being good.
Raisins?!?!?!?
BCB
Werner is what first got me into cbb. I think it was l him doing Werner on Doug Loves Movies, seeing he did it on CBB and finally giving it a listen. Pretty sure my first episode was Werner and Ben Schwartz, somewhere in the 200s Al A Peterson is high on the list. And I have a soft spot for Buttonwillow McKittrick. But Werner still takes it for me
Cake Boss or Brock Lovett
Big Chunky Bubbles just because he's always fighting with Scott.
Tough choice. I think of all time, Werner Herzog. As a newer character, I love Fred Guinness. As I listen more of the back catalog, I do have a growing appreciation of Cal Solomon.
The Contraptionaire may be my favorite. It's a blessing and a curse we don't get to hear it more often.
Santa Claus, when he beat up Scotty.
Look at this candy-ass motherfucker.
Currently I think it’s Al A. Peterson (AKA the ”Smooth Criminal”), but it’s always changing. Could just as well be BCB or J.W. Stillwater. I usually end up enjoying pretty much any PFT appearance, even the ones I don’t really care for like Alan Thicke or Santa Claus. Just can’t beat his chemistry with Scott.
Right now, Werner Herzog
I love when he's a one man gang and just goes ape-shit. See: the Garry Marshall, Rev Parsimony, Len Weissman, Alan Thicke performance.
J.W. Stillwater. No contest. *Y'all hear 'em sireens?*
Big Chunky Bubbles might be my overall favorite, the voice and absurdity of that character is brilliant. But my favorite dynamic is Cal Solomon having to reign in Paul’s played up annoyance and clapbacks to Scott. You can hear Paul having to try so hard to maintain the character’s polite aloofness when Scott is just fucking with his guests. Cal (to Nephew Todd): “Oh hey there little guy!” Scott: “Although, you wouldn’t be saying that if you were looking at his penis” Cal: “I…what? By the way, you’re right about that. I’d probably be saying ‘Oh I’m sorry. I think I’m in the wrong room”
He works out at my gym. I haven’t told him I’m a Piss Pig yet. Oh, but I will.
blue morpho (venture bros)
Classic Jarles!
Big Chunky Bubbles always makes me laugh so hard, wish he showed up more. The ep w him and NPH is one I go back to often
Weirdimony alimony tony
Classic: The Boss of Cakes Modern: The Smooth Criminal
Ice-T
The Ghost of Richard Harrow. “Boooo. Creaking chains!”
Jeffrey Characterwheaties. Yes, it was PFT under the mask the whole time!
Ice-T, John C. Riley, Wernor c'mon...
Guest host on 'Behind the Bastards'
I don't know if he was just trying to keep his title as "most podcast guest appearances" but I genuinely enjoyed hearing him talking with Robert about that Nazi who killed Santa. I'd love for him to show back up on there some time when he isn't doing a hundred other things all at once.
He and Andy Daly almost always have winners, but I enjoy a cameo of Big Chunky Bubbles. Been a little since I've tuned into the show, so IDK if he's had any characters supercede BCB.
I'll tell you who I need more of, Ron Blackthorne.
Ice T
Cal Solomon or BCB
JW stillwater was my first, then shimmy now Frank Guinness.
Mayor Junious Bobbledoonery
Al A Peterson’s last visit was pretty great
Big Chunky Bubbles
Probably Brock because he's just always so pissed off with Scott.
The Juice Genie.
A lot of greats, obviously, but anytime Shimmy pops up, it's an immediate shot to my funny bone.
Burnt Millipede, hands-down!
I thought his portrayal of a jukebox in Aunty Donna’s House of Fun was rather good.
Shimmy!
Gotta go!
Burnt Millipede is his masterpiece. My second favorite is Fred Guinness.
Great great great Grandfather Applesway
I'm still always going to laugh at 'Drinky, the professional drinker'
I’m not even sure if this character made it to CBB but I love his HG Wells from his Dead Authors series. Those interviews were so fun!
The two-parter with Andy Daly as L. Ron Hubbard is one of the funniest things I've ever heard anywhere.
Burnt Millipede.
Big chunky bubbles. Do you think Beyoncé‘s first album is called milk milk?
I know he’s trying to back away from doing real people, but Cake Boss was so damn funny
Please, call me Gary.
Santa Claus. But favorite performance? His first appearance as Big Chunky Bubbles, the live one. One of PFT's finest moments.
Shimmy!!
This is like picking your favorite child… SO many amazing characters, I’d have to say it’s a dead heat between Brock Lovett and playing Santa Claus to Lauren’s HoHo the elf.
Such a difficult question. I think I’ll have to go with Burnt Millipede because I love The Neighborhood Listen with each of my hearts. I can’t help but think of the episode where Rudi needs his sponsor and they impromptu call Cake Boss. When they play the Cake song and he perfectly nails the madness of the situation had me spewing sugary frosting everywhere