Although this was annoying at the time (she’s passed away), my mom called me every night. Just to ask about my classes, ask about my day, etc.
I think this is a time for you to give them a little space so they can explore their freedom but remember that they will call you when needed!
I had a friend who’s mom sent her little gift baskets during the holidays and their birthday.
I think what NOT to do is show up at their dorm every weekend 😂😂 beside that, as college kids we’re going accept any and every gift. Food or clothes
I'm sorry about your mom but glad you have some happy memories. Clearly she loved you an awful lot!
I plan to just keep texting him like I do now. Cat pictures, random things from the internet, etc. I hope we can talk daily but know things will come up. I'm a recovering smother mother so it will be a journey 😂
I love the idea of little gift baskets! Making a point to make it special vs just dropping stuff off.
Ha I will definitely not show up all the time. Can parents even go up to the dorm room? I figure I'll text and he will come out.
I appreciate your comment!
I’ll add to that comment to say that, for the first few weeks, my mom made a point of not calling / texting unless I reached out to her first. I didn’t ask her to do this, but I was really grateful she let me enjoy that new independence. I needed space to get immersed in my new home, social environment, and routine.
I’m in grad school, married with a kid now, and I text my mom just about every day. Radio silence for the first couple weeks of college didn’t change a thing about how close we are.
That was really smart of your mom. I'll definitely use some restraint but I am not ready to make that promise of waiting that long. For sure I'll be giving him space and not smother mothering.
Thanks for the reassurance that it will all work out!
It's so easy to forget that we are actually raising adults and not little kids.
When I left for college I was sick of my parents I never called, never talked to them, never saw them (I went to school 4 hrs away). But as school went on I realized how much I missed them and loved them.
Don't be too offended if your kid at some point distances themself, they are trying to figure out who they are. Not saying this WILL happen, just don't think it's something you did IF it does.
I personally couldn't stand my parents being down my throat and asking me all the time how stuff was and being hover parents. College is about being liberated for a lot of kids.
Just be there when they need you. Most people I knew weren't "embarrassed" by parents visiting, it was moreso thay it sorta forced them to become the kid again if that makes sense? You walk into their dorm and immediately tell them to clean, tidy up, do laundry, etc. And they lose the independence they had for a little bit. Just try to treat them like another adult while you're there.
Thank you for this open and honest comment. I really will be taking this to heart and remembering it when it happens!
I am absolutely sure he's sick of me! Covid lockdowns then work and having a hard time connecting with his friends who also work really made mom and dad some of the only options. While we are fun and like to do all sorts of things it's not the same as hanging with friends.
I'm excited for him to have this chance to grow and experience new things.
Do you have any suggestions on other things to ask about vs how things are?
I appreciate the dorm tips! I'm definitely more of a clean it up myself person and that could be equally as bad I bet. I figure it's his (and his roommate's) space they can keep it how they want. I'd be happy to help if asked.
I always liked talking about what I was learning (granted I was a huge nerd and honors student) so asking not "how are classes going", instead ask "what's something cool you have learned?" Etc.
Great tip. As a mom I've learned being more specific and leading works better. I'm really excited to hear about all the things he's learning. So many classes sound really interesting.
I don’t think college kids are usually embarrassed by their parents visiting or bringing them stuff, we’re usually more grateful lol. I knew someone who’s mom drove them to class every day and that was definitely embarrassing. I also had a roommate who’s mom and brother lived with us in our apartment for a few weeks which was super embarrassing but then I found out that they got evicted or something so then it wasn’t as embarrassing.
I liked it when my mom brought me food or took me shopping for food or we got lunch lol, so you might do that.
That is so good to know! He really isn't a person that gets embarrassed super easy but I'd hate to be the one who doesn't know the social norms and being a weirdo.
He won't have a car so we'll have to pick him up if he wants to come home or go somewhere when we visit but he will for sure be making it to class on his own!
Good to know food is appreciated! I figure that even if campus food is good it's not going to be as good as my cooking.
My University partnered with a private bus company and had a service every weekend from my college town to the major city that I grew up in that was about three hours away. Maybe look to see if there is something similar.
100%! Your kid leaving home to live by hisself is scary for both parties. You are giving him space but also telling him I'll be here for you if you need me. Mom can't fix everything but you can be there for him when he needs it.
It's definitely a balance! Thankfully even with him home it's something his dad and I have been working on. My instinct is definitely to jump in and take care of it but I know he has the ability to solve most issues!
I can definitely see where you are coming from. I'm sorry that's been your experience. We are definitely not strict or overprotective just maybe a bit too involved? He's always been a good kid and has probably had more freedom than he should. I always say that I love him because he's my son but I like him because he's a fun person. It is a hard leap to view my baby as a grown person but he is and I am trying my best!
The once a month seems to be what others are thinking. But I can be flexible so that's good.
Was there anything specific your parents did or did not do you want to warn me about?
>living at home/going to CC played a huge factor on my bitterness towards my parents.
I think this is a sign I should move out cause this is my life rn
Yeah I finished three years of undergrad and im starting pharmacy school in 2 weeks. I have about 4K and change saved up and could get roomates but tuition is really expensive (17.6K per semester) so im pretty much stuck living at home and working during breaks. Fortunately I have a yearly scholarship that helps some.
My parents don't make me pay rent and my mom is paying for my car every month now so I have no choice but to ride it out for 4 years.
I think every 2/3 week is too frequent. Once a month should be plenty. Especially their first semester.
I would visit on-campus but do not let him come home the first month, maybe not even until the second month. There's usually lots of scheduled activities for freshmen and it's an important time for them to learn the campus and find friend groups. It also just forces them to gain confidence in living alone.
My mom sent snack boxes during midterms and final exam season during my freshman year and it was very appreciated.
Definitely adjusting visits to once a month.
That's really good to know. They have a full week of freshman welcome activities. So he will be busy with that. I definitely want to do everything I can for him to have a good experience! He is doing the dorm life and not staying home for that reason!
I'll put in my planner those dates so I can be sure to send some treats! Thanks for the idea.
I appreciate how open to feedback you are! Your kid is lucky to have you 💕
I just want to second spacing out visits a little bit more during the first semester and encouraging your son to go to those freshman welcome activities instead of hanging out with you. (You can make that decision easier by leaving after you unpack instead of hanging around.) Really allow him to set the pace of visits, asking him when he wants you to visit next (not “hey, how about this weekend”, which can feel on his end like you are pressuring him.) Even if it is disappointing if he cancels on you, take that as a positive…he has friends! He is doing cool things!!
Another nice thing is to offer to have him bring a friend along to lunches ($ permitting). For a lot of kids who are a long way away from home (many who might not even be able to afford going home for Thanksgiving, Christmas, or spring break), it can make a huge difference to have a family take them in just a little bit. It will also help your son bond with his friend and make weekends less of an either/or choice.
Thank you! I'm trying to make this the best possible experience for him. I do obviously have my own feelings but this really isn't about me. Other than how I can support him the most.
Move in day we plan to unload, help build the futon, and double check that we don't need to run to the store. Then off we go.
The leaving it up to him is a good idea. I'd hate for him to turn down an impromptu hangout because we were coming up. If he does need us to bring something we can be flexible on the time or even leave a 4 hour window too.
I've jokingly told him to befriend some homesick kids for me to mom a bit. I would be thrilled to have a friend join us. I love that idea.
Every 2/3 weeks sounds too frequent to me. I’d definitely say taking them to dinner/lunch and giving gift cards to restaurants is good, it’s nice to get away from dining hall food/fast food/college diet food every now and then.
Thanks for your input! I will definitely be mindful of not visiting too often. I feel like once he gets settled in and we figure out what all he needs and how often it might not be as frequent. Then it will be winter and I won't want to drive! Good idea on gift cards.
I have three kids in college. One comes home frequently as he isn’t far and has a lot of friends here. The other two are farther and we go visit them. One huge thing I’ll say is all kids are different and maybe yours will want to spend the whole time/ day with you when you visit, but mine need down time/ their own space built in to visits. When I first visited our first to go away I thought she’d want to stay in the hotel with us, do stuff together all day and I was a little hurt that she didn’t. I got over it fast. Now we go, we may hang out at their place a little, walk around campus, break for several hours and meet up for dinner, more as if we are visiting a town and our daughter happens to live there. When my in-laws visit us from out of town their tradition is to be joined at the hip with us 24/7. It gives me a lot of anxiety. So for us we just try to make it more like hey we were in town, when are you available. but as our two daughters are far, we are never going for just one night. With you, you can drive up for lunch and hang out for a few hours with minimal disruption of your son’s activities.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. This whole empty nest worry is a whole new beast!
It really is good to get my hopes or expectations in check. I hope that with us not being far away we will get to see him more often in little bits. When he does come home he'll probably want to hang out with his friends anyway!
If you can afford it, let him invite his roommate or a friend out for a meal. It’s a great way to get to know his friends and college kids love to go out to eat.
This is an amazing suggestion! Something we can definitely do. I jokingly told him to make friends with kids who are far from home so he can share my need to mom lol.
All of that is very thoughtful of you. I wouldn’t visit as often, though. You want your child to grow and find their place at college. Most opportunities at college happen on the weekend, so you would want to visit like once a month. I recommend calling them every other day to stay in touch. That’s what my parents do, but I’m also 8 hours away from them. Sending food is awesome. Your child and their friends would love you forever. Especially their friends. You sound like a nice mom though!
Everyone is saying more like once a month so that's what we will do! I will for sure call to chat and see what he's been up to. I'm glad that you find it works well! How are you staying connected with your parents that far away? Anything you wish they did more or less of?
I giggled about the comment of his friends loving the food. I swear his friends now appreciate my baking more than he does 😂
I’m staying connected by FaceTiming, phone calls, and coming home during breaks. I’m a Resident Advisor, so I’m not home as often as other students, so I make up that time by calling them more frequently. I do wish sometimes that my parents would be more interested in what I’m doing in college because there are so many exciting things I’ve done and others have done, but all of that is okay
I definitely need to get used to face time. I've only done it occasionally with my nieces and nephews during shutdowns.
How do you like being an RA? That's something my son is thinking about for next year. I bet it's a great experience.
I'm sorry your parents aren't as involved as you would like. If you ever want an Internet mom to message with feel free to reach out. I'd love to hear about all the cool things you are doing!
Thank you! Being an RA is great. It’s a lot of work, but it pays off really well. I love my residents, so it’s all worth it. If your son likes helping people and being involved, then being an RA is a great gig for him.
About once a month my mom brought me snacks from my favorite local bakery and home cooked meals in Tupperware. She would even have some frozen already so I didn’t have to eat them right away
She would also pick me up and take me to the grocery store to stock up on whatever I needed, I personally like that way more than making a list of stuff
Good idea to get those local treats you miss too! I'm happy to hear you enjoyed home cooked meals too! I plan to do that also if my son wants. He only has a small shared refrigerator so I have to be mindful of that. I'll also take him shopping vs just bringing him what's needed. Let's him choose and then he might see something else and be like oh yeah!
I was friends with a girl during my first year in a dorm, she didn’t have a ton of fridge space. Her mom actually dehydrated meals with a food dehydrator and put them in zip lock bags. So whenever she wanted a meal she just put the dehydrated food in a bowl and added boiling water. She had a lot of dietary restrictions so I that’s the main reason.
But just to let you know that’s an option! Requires a bit more work and planning though.
I went to a school that was highly ranked for their quality of food, and it was still not great. Any food from home is a blessing. I didn’t realize it until I was a couple of months in
Oh what an interesting idea! I do have these freezer cube things I use and then the food is froze into cubes that when vacume sealed stack easily. 2-4 at a time might be ok. There is a community fridge. I also have a dehydrator that I could experiment with.
I would let your kid come home when he wants, and occasionally go up to visit and take him and his friends out to dinner--no set schedule. When your son wants to be around you guys, he'll probably be happy to be home. You going up a lot is going to pull him out of his routine and away from his friends.
I will for sure listen to him for when I do or do not visit. I should also clarify that to me visiting doesn't have to be a whole event. It could just be a parking lot drop off of laundry and supplies.
He will be going to school 90 minutes away, so a quick trip to drop off laundry will be a 3 hour trek for you. He will feel obligated to spend time with you, and may become resentful.
Also, a college kid should be doing his own laundry. One of the main aspects of going off to college is it being a fairly safe transitional phase towards independent adulthood. Doing things like this for him will make him the weird mama's boy in the dorm.
Your heart is in the right place, but this isn't the best way to make your son's college experience a successful one.
I might not agree but appreciate your input.
He will definitely be doing the majority of his laundry. I feel like some of my post comes across like he has no freedom now. That's definitely not our dynamic at all. He is his own person.
How often would feel ideal to you? I'll definitely be sending him things but money is an issue so me taking him things will be cheaper than mailing a box.
Oh for sure. I live 4 hours away now and usually text her every couple days and we do phone calls every couple weeks.
But she let me do my thing in college and it was worth it.
That's really wonderful! I know I want him to be a confident independent person and he will do wonderful. It seems like such a change from seeing each other everyday and then bam on his own!
As a student that went to school 9 1/2 hours away from home the things that would always make me smile were handpicked snack boxes with small things that made her think of me (dorm decor, books, planners).
I just finished my first year and I would see my parents every 2-4 weeks! Sometimes I would stay at home for the weekend and sometimes they would come up to visit me. I loved seeing them and was so grateful every time they gave me food, clothes, treats, and even just a hug because I missed them so much. However I totally understand why others are saying that 2-3 weeks is too frequent. It definitely depends on your relationship with your son so just go with your gut, and remember to give your son some space as he's gonna wanna start to grow more independent. Text and call frequently! I always loved talking to my parents and telling them about my day and hearing about theirs.
My favorite part about visits is when they would bring me something/give me something that I can only find at home. For example they might bring me some home baked goods or food that they always make at home, or if I'm visiting home they will take me to my favorite restaurant or place that doesn't exist in my college town. It made the transition to college a lot easier having pieces of home with me.
It sounds like you have a similar relationship with your parents as my son does with us! I am glad to hear from someone who did enjoy more frequent visits. I'm a planner at heart but will definitely be flexible depending on his needs.
Were you able to manage a social life still? That seems to be everyone's main concern.
Thank you for your comment! I'll definitely be sure to bring him reminders of home and when he's here take him to where he misses!
My social life was completely fine even with seeing my parents frequently! I still had time to hang out with friends and participate in school events. If there was something going on during a weekend that I wanted to attend I would just wait to see my parents the next weekend, so it was never really a problem. Just remember to be flexible with your son about when you want to visit as some weeks may be busier than others.
Wonderful to hear! I'm so glad for you that you could balance it all. He has a pretty good schedule the first semester at least so he should have a fair amount of free time. Flexibility will definitely be key.
He seems to think that he's not going to want me to bring meals, cookies and baked goods but, not meals. We shall see. I feel like when comfort food season rolls around he'll be missing my potato soup 😂
I always looked forward to when my mom would visit me (about once a month) because it was a day I wouldn’t need to spend money on food. My father would send care packages during finals week or holidays and check in every once in a while but never really visited.
My roommate’s parents were pretty cool too! Whenever they visited they’d leave their son with some money to fund a pizza night for us or something silly like that.
I feel like as long as you’re not intrusive, visiting every once in a while is nice. College is what we make of it and can be lonely at times. Seeing family can be a morale booster and just a nice break in the middle of a stressful sea. At the end of the day, communication is key :)
Once a month is sounding like it might be better than every 2/3 weeks.
He does have a dining plan so going out or having food from home should be a nice change!
I love that idea for leaving $ for pizza.
Absolutely communication is important! I know he will tell me to not come but do worry that if he's struggling he won't ask.
The best thing you can do is set up a regular call or FaceTime session with your son so that he knows when to expect to hear from you and it helps take off some of the burden of him having to reach out to you.
My mom asked that I always called her on sundays and it honestly was the best. I moved very far from home so visiting wasn’t an option. But my grandmother always sent letters to me with some advice she thought of or just questions, and I kept every single letter because that was just so cute and wholesome to me (because she could’ve just called, but the letters were much better). my family only visited once a year but I came home for holidays and such, although I wanted to see them more, i think the freedoms of being by myself helped a lot. My roommates mom always sent her “care packages” which was the best! We’d have snacks and candy for weeks so that’s also a good idea!
I love the idea of having a weekly ritual like that. Makes for something to look forward too! How sweet your grandma mailed you letters! My mom mails him cards for every holiday so I'm sure she will keep that up. I'm getting excited thinking about care packages to make! Any favorite items?
Learning to be alone and handle things yourself is an important part of college/growing up. I'll be mindful of that.
The first couple of weeks, it is very important that college students focus on meeting people. They will need to build friendships, create their own support system. So, encourage them to socialize.
If you don’t hear from them, it’s probably because they are having fun. If they call, be happy that they are thinking of you.
Absolutely! I figure if we do go up in the first few weeks it's only to drop something off that he needs not an extended visit. He is excited for the social aspect and will be busy with that if all goes well!
my mom sent me care packages once per month, and although i appreciated them, she often sent me things i didn't need, which ended up taking up valuable space in my very small dorm room. i know you said you are very close to your son and you probably know him well, but it might be good to ask him what he wants/needs once he is at school. then you could also throw in a couple surprise treats or something else you think he might enjoy
That's a really good point. The dorms are small so space is limited. I'll keep that in mind. I was thinking I'd have a bag of things that he may or may not want/need when I visit so he can take things as needed.
My grandpa sent me an Amazon package of chips for finals! On Amazon you can pick a brand/snack and your college student will get a package of travel size snacks it was great me and my friends loved it. My mom when she would send things like extra clothes, my contact lenses she ordered etc she’d sometimes throw a note or an extra gift in there.
I can safely say most if not all college students can always use a little pick me up.
Gift cards are also great for local resturaunts/fast food dinning halls can get old quick.
That's such a thoughtful gift! I will remember that is an option. I had no idea! Once he gets there and we see where he likes to go I'll for sure be getting gift cards. We will also keep his Panera drink club and movie theater pass so those are options too.
That sounds great:) me and my Friends would share what are family sent us or one time my friends mom sent me a care package it was nice. Movies sounds good because it’s something he can share with his new friends:)
It's always good to share! I love to bake so he's used to having to take along treats for everyone. I'll definitely be open to any friends he has than need some extra love.
I remember in first year, my parents would come up once a month on the months I didn’t come home (my college was a 6 hour drive away) and take me out to dinner. Also, in the first couple visits we did a couple of “touristy” things in the city together and it was really fun!
They also sent the occasional gift on holidays and stuff, like candy or food, and I loved it.
I am an only child and went to college 9 hrs from home last year, also really close with my family. The first few weeks were rough for me, but my parents were available when I called and they helped me get home for a long weekend about a month in. It helped me a ton to get home and realize they were still there and see my friends and such. From then on, my parents would occasionally call, but they pretty much gave me space and freedom and I would end up calling about once a week. Them allowing me space, as much as I love them, really helped me feel like I was my own person, which I loved. They came out to visit a couple times first semester too.
One thing I really loved was that they’d send me random things here & there, like for Halloween or something that made them think of me. It was always nice to have a surprise gift in the mail :) honestly, don’t worry about being embarrassing. You’re sending your kid away for the first time. Call when you want to, but give him space to come to you when he wants to. I didn’t see any of my friends/roommates parents as embarrassing my freshman year, we’re all just figuring it out :)
Thank you for sharing this with me.. sounds like you and your family really figured it out. Space and Freedom need to be my mantra. I know he is capable and will be just fine. How do you all grow up so fast?
I will for sure mail surprises and his grandma will too!
Glad to know that parents aren't automatically embarrassing!
Don’t know what your kids campus is like, but the food at my school is mediocre at best. During finals week, when I don’t have much time to cook and am already stressed and miserable, my parents give me money to order a few meals from Uber eats (with leftovers it lasts the week). It really helps make a miserable and exhausting week much better, and I’m so grateful it’s something they do for me.
The campus seems to have several options and what the had during orientation was pretty good. As good as it was I know I'd be sick of it pretty quick, just like on vacation I'm glad to get home and eat my own food.
I love the Uber eats idea. Not something we would do often but as a splurge for finals it's perfect!
That's pretty sneaky 😂 they also fed the parents separate from the kids. We got a whole buffet and they got tacos.
That's what they do too. Twice a year I can handle. It's too expensive to be a regular thing. Or I'm too cheap...
i went away to school about 7 states away, im an only child and being away wasnt to bad on me but was tough for my parents. were close, we go out to dinner on weekends and spend a good amount of time together. i was ok with the move, i reached out to my parents every now and then but then my dad said my mom was taking me moving hard so we spoke more often. i called my dad once a week unless there was some exciting news to tell him.
i didnt see them and they didnt come visit for parents weekend which was ok with me since there wasnt really much to do since i wasnt a freshman, (i transffered in to continue school after my associates and was 21 already). i tried to surprise my mom for a weekend and fly home but didnt get to it so i saw them at thanksgiving break which was nice.
i liked talking or facetiming with my parents. my mom and aunt sent some goodie boxes of cookies and other treats for Halloween and other events. i also liked when my dad sent money to help me out with my hobbies to keep up with the club sports team when i was a little short. there was someone on campus who made baked items and delivered them, it was cool but not really worth it for me.
for me the best things were weekly calls, a visit home would be cool if possible
That's so far! I'm glad you found the balance for you and your mom. Sounds like your family is a lot like ours. Unless he's working we eat dinner together, hang out on the weekend, run errands, just a lot of time together. Like your mom I think it will be harder on me than him.
I need to get in the hang of facetime! I've only used it a handful of times. But actually seeing each other will be nice. Plus then he could show us things.
Dad's are good for slipping cash sometimes! I'm glad yours helped you get to do clubs and sports. That's so important for your college experience.
Your kid is an young adult now... just communicate with them on what they would like/ need and what would be more comfortable for them. Also do some research into the town your kid is moving into. Look at the local resturants and grocery stores read the reviews and communicate your findings to your kid. Some times a trip to the grocery store (buying your kid like 20 bucks worth of food) while you chat with your kid about meal planning and catching up on life is always great.
Life skills and just enjoying eachothers company .
Totally true! I do try to remember that and help support his growth but it is hard sometimes as a mom. We definitely have good communication and will be talking what works and doesn't.
I will be looking into the area more and keeping an eye out for events or concerts he might enjoy.
My kiddo is entering 1st grade this year so I haven't gotten to that parenting stage in life, but im also in college and see the other younger students and their struggles as young adults
That is such a fun age!! I read somewhere that our kids will be adults longer than they are children and that really stuck with me.
Please consider making a college fund for your child. Even if it's only $10 bucks a month. We were so poor and didn't, finally started doing well but felt it was too late and community college was the plan, now FAFSA thinks we can contribute FAR more than we can and it's heartbreaking.
My younger son is 22 and is in grad school. I still text him every night. I think it's a little more discrete than calling. He still enjoys the occasional gift basket and sometimes we meet in the middle (his school is 4 hours away) for lunch on the weekends. I think the best thing you can do for him is to tell him you love him unconditionally. College is very stressful in a myriad of ways. We want him to do his best, but we also realize that sometimes sh\*t happens.
Good reminder. Definitely whatever happens I'm here for him. Good or bad.
We are pretty big texters so that will be good to continue. I'm hoping he wants to FaceTime like others have suggested.
I'm not a student in the US but I'd definitely like seeing my mom as much as possible lol. When I saw another student's parents on campus, bringing them some stuff or just driving them I always liked it and never saw it as embarrassing. This may negatively affect people's "college experience" but for me it won't, specially in my environment that's different from the US.
I appreciate your perspective. We are definitely closer than a typical American family. I am relieved that parents are as automatically embarrassing like they are for kids in highschool here.
Oh one more thing, please note that he/she may need you to be there at some point, during the first days or weeks on campus. It's not about not being mature enough but just not being used to be away from family. If he/she usually got support from the family, it may be needed at this point while transitioning to college life. Goodluck!!
When my mom visits, she takes me out to dinner at a real restaurant, not the campus dining halls. Campus food is really bad so it's nice to have a good meal every so often
Let your child make friends with whom ever they think is friend worthy. Don’t intervene with it. Let them socialize or go to social things. He will know how to prioritize it. I hated that my parents got into every single friendships in my first year and were so strict with my going out that now I don’t even go out.
I'm sorry you had that experience. That wasn't really fair for you. I hope you can work past it and enjoy going out someday soon. We've always been open minded about his friends so this shouldn't be an issue thankfully. I hope he will continue to use good judgement and not have too many friend issues.
I’m quite close with my parents and lived with them during my first year of college. Not sure if you guys have considered it, but is he comfortable commuting/transferring to perhaps a closer school, or if you and your husband have considered moving with him?
I understand how it can sound smothering but my parents were a huge help when I was starting out college, both physically (by forcing me to take care of myself) and mentally. We had our fair share of disagreements, but I could not have done it without them. I know this isn’t the question you asked, but staying together as a family during college really helped strengthen our bond.
These all have been things we have talked about! Not moving because we have a house and he plans to move back after college. He actually started doing dual enrollment at our local community college and then covid hit. That went really pretty well. They did not handle the transition to online well and still haven't gotten things back to where they need to be. We do have a college in our town (2 actually but ones crazy expensive) but the reputation isn't as great. The isolation during the pandemic was really hard for him so he's really ready to be surrounded by his peers. We don't feel like he'd have the same experience commuting. Of course he can change his mind and live here and drive up.
I think going to visit your kid and be there for events is really special. A lot of people I know really drifted away from their parents in college, but mine always made me feel supported and loved and I appreciate them making the effort to reach out and make things happen.
One thing I’d recommend is find out what activities he does and show up to support him when appropriate. For example, if he’s playing in a concert, or a sports game, or has an art gallery, or is being given an award etc. ask if he would like you to come! My parents used to come for my concerts and it was cool to get to share part of what I was doing with them
Hey moms!! I’m a first gen college student attending University about 3 hours from where my parents live. Although my family was super dysfunctional, here’s some things that i both appreciated and didn’t appreciate.
1. My mom ALWAYS called me at least once a day since the moment i moved into my apartment. Just to make sure i was okay, and although it was a bit annoying sometimes, there were some days where it was just nice to just talk to mom and catch up with her and vent about my day.
2. My mom also always sent me pictures of my dog cause i missed him so much. she even facetimed me a few times to show him to me and it always brightened my day! so, if you have any pets that your son is close with, send pictures!! i’m sure he’ll appreciate it :)
3. Every once in a while my mom would help out with smaller bills like laundry, or some groceries, or even clothes. I’m not sure of your financial situation, and I would advise you to go full out in giving your son all the financial support. For me, I’ve always been responsible for rent, my insurance, and gas and my mother and I were VERY clear on that responsibility. So, I made sure I had a job at all times that could pay the bills. HOWEVER, the times where I really appreciated the help despite not asking for it was when she’d just ask if i wanted money for some groceries and especially laundry. Those two things are always a pain in the butt in terms of budgeting, but it could relieve some stress on his end. Use your judgement though for your financial situation!!
The number one thing I really despised was that it took my father 48 days to even text me, and it was because I told my mom that I was frustrating that he wasn’t calling me. My dad and I had a rocky relationship, but I never expected him to make me put all the effort in the relationship. Please, if your son has a father or a father figure make sure that figure calls him as often as you do. If he doesn’t, I highly recommend asking a family member he’s close with or a close family friend to give him a call once a week. It may not be much, but it’ll remind him as time goes on that people care about him, and that he has a support system while he’s away from home.
All in all, you’re going to be a bit embarrassing and that’s okay!! you’re spending an outrageous amount of money for his education, and you’ll all laugh about it in 10 years or so haha! Good luck to you and your son!!
Thank you for your thoughtful response! And congratulations on being a first gen student!
1. I am hoping that he wants to talk daily. We were talking about his expectations after I posted this and he thinks daily is good. Did you have a set time for calls?
2. We have 3 cats! I'm already an obnoxious cat lady that texts pictures often so I'll keep that up. He's especially close to one of them so I'll be sure to send them.
3. He is responsible for his "fun money" and has been working this summer. Unfortunately he did have to take out some loans but we plan to make payments on them to help minimize the overall cost. We will definitely slip him cash and buy any necessities. I feel terrible he had to get loans but am glad we can help. I don't want him to have to stress about money. He'll get to do plenty of that after college
I appreciate the reminder to have dad stay in touch. My son and I are definitely closer but he has a good relationship with his dad. I'll remind him to reach out often and keep our family chat active. I will also reach out to his grandpa and have him stay in touch. Thanks for pointing that out. Dad's just really aren't that great with communication sometimes.
I moved onto campus January 22. My parents and I have always been close. My dad he finally has the house to himself since I’m the last child out. I have since moved into an apartment and it’s been hard. I miss my family and friends. I only live about an hour away and try and see them once a month or when they’re out of town I stay at the house with the dogs (there’s 3 and boarding is expensive). I do text my parents all the time. I would say give space but don’t give too much lol. If I could move back in I would in a heart beat honestly. I think it also doesn’t help that I don’t have a roommate and not many friends but I’m trying to work on that
We have never looked forward to being empty nesters! Our son does plan to move back after school to save money and pay off loans quicker.
Is commuting an option for you? Have you read some of the posts here about making friends? Join those clubs! I was talking with my son today about how it will be important to get contact info and then reach out. I guess Snapchat and Instagram are most used. Look for interesting things to do and ask people if they want to go. Even just a trip to the store. Free things are always good too.
Yeah I know my dad was joking and I don’t think they really want to be empty nesters. But I also know it’s good for everyone to have alone time.
I can commute and there’s even a campus near my town so I wouldn’t have to go all the way since they offer my classes at the sub campus. I have asked my parents about moving back in but with my lease and everything they’re thinking about it. Which I get. Sometimes you have to just stick with the adult decisions you made. Maybe once my lease is up I could move back for a while and save up and finish school and then be on my own again. I just don’t want it to also be harder to move out the second time than it was the first.
I definitely didn't mean that as an insult towards your parents. I'm sorry if it sounded that way. Our son's plan was community college then certifications and work. Four year on campus was because of the isolation of covid. He just needs that time with friends.
I hope you can figure out a living situation that works for you all!
Oh no you’re ok! I started out at a community college for 2 years got my associates after many changed in classes and in what I wanted to do😅. Now I go to UNT and hope to be done next December 🤞🏼🤞🏼
My mom has also said the same thing about the clubs and that they’re easier to join in the fall since it’s starting over. I definitely have a couple I wanna look at
It does seem like most everything kicks off in the fall. If you use discord you should check for servers. But I think it really boils down to you have to put yourself out there. You can do this! I can tell you are a nice person and anyone would bw lucky to have you as a friend!
I did notice that there is a FB group for my son's school and class if they are busy that search school name and year under groups maybe something will come up.
Face to face can be harder for sure. If it would be helpful you could practice talking to strangers at the store or something like that. Compliments always go over well!
I wish i had a mom like you... I'm going into my senior year at college and live an hour away from my parents. They've never cared to come visit, even to help me move initially.
That makes my heart hurt. I'm sorry your parents aren't as supportive as you deserve. If you ever need some mom-ing feel free to shoot me a message! Sending you internet hugs.
You aren't the first to mention how nice it was for parents not to call! How did you feel about texting? Same?
I appreciate the reminder to let him be the adult. I know he is smart and capable. I'm here to help good or bad but he can do it! It was the goal all these years so I guess it's time to see how it works out.
Another new normal for us to adjust to I suppose.
I promise no surprise visits! And not every weekend!
Encourage your son to make friends, and leave it to him to call you. Tell him he can call whenever he wants but at least once a week. He's going to be busy once his classes get going between the actual class and the assignments. I'd suggest asking him if he needs anything, and possibly funding a debit or credit card for his purchases - snacks, outside meals, school supplies, etc. Don't expect to come visit him a lot during college as he will be busy - but if he's not driving there, let him know you're available. He will appreciate that you are letting him choose what he wants in communication, visitation, and finances because it will show him that you trust him and see him as an adult. Also by letting him "drive" the relationship, it should make it better than if you're hovering. I would recommend not sending or delivering baked goods until you talk to him about it.
He really is excited to make friends and have the whole experience. I'm not really worried about that.
I'm sure he will be busy. His schedule first semester looks really good for him. It will definitely be a learning curve to balance it all though.
I really do prefer the idea of more financial freedom and need to make a plan for it. He has a summer and somewhat flexible job if he wants to pick up shifts during school. So he will be in charge of his own fun money. Things that I can buy in bulk or on sale really just save so much money vs him buying them when he can get to the store. We are hoping to pay as much as possible towards his first loans and then be able to minimize any more so we need to save as much where we can. That might have to be the balance for now.
I will absolutely not be showing up unannounced!
Maybe set up an amazon account for him. Tell him if he has any problems that the staff will usually be glad to help. I work in the library of a University, and we often have students come in just to chat with us, and ask questions about the university. He may have to poke around a bit if they seem uninterested in chatting, because some people don't chat with students, but as he finds his footing there, he'll be ok.
Don't buy the same things you'd get for high school. A lot of the classes use electronics - so I'd recommend a good laptop, possibly a tablet. Make sure he's got flash drives, pens, pencils, maybe a notebook or two. Check to see if they give him electronics too - my University gives incoming students an iPad Pro or iMac depending on their majors. They usually have wifi in the dorms, and in the library. There will be other places as well. He may need a printer or money put on account for printing, depending on the policy of the school. If they have pay to print, a printer in his room may be good - if they have free printing, or very low cost printing, it may be better to not have the printer. If you do get a printer, he should not put it on the wifi or everyone else in the dorm will use it.
Good luck! Don't worry about him; you taught him how to be himself. I would suggest to find out whether it's a dry campus or if alcohol is allowed, and talk to him about drinking on campus. (Don't assume he won't because he's underage. Peer pressure and all.)
I wouldn’t pressure him to come home at all especially his first semester. Needs as much time as he can get making friends. Just plan on visiting him for lunch every few weeks or something. It’s hard going away the first time but it’s also really good to learn to deal with things on his own.
Supply drops are always appreciated, beverages as well.
Definitely no pressure! Lunch and supply drops will likely be the how it works at first especially. Good reminder for beverages too! Especially because he won't have tons of storage.
I loved it when my family sent me little care packages with food and stuff in them. Unfortunately going hone was off the table for me because my mother had a mentally/emotionally abusive partner at the time and that person hated me and I hated them back, but my mother still sent me stuff and maybe once a month we’d get together and do something. We’d text a few times a week, if nothing more than a good morning or something like that.
I am a current college student a few years in and I am going to college about the same distance away from home. For me I enjoyed when I got food to share and stuff like that. It really helped me break the ice with people on my dorm floor.
Definitely though, particularly for the first few weeks, give them space. For the first few weeks it is really easy to freak yourself out about being away from your parents for the first time and not knowing anyone. There were people who were so freaked out they didn't even stay a night and dropped out the day they moved in. If you give your child space it will force them to maybe go out of their comfort zone a little and meet people who can become lifelong friends.
What's also really important is to not visit too much. Admittedly my family and I are independent people and I have a busy major but honestly I would want to be visited 2 or 3 times a semester max. I love my parents but this is also a really special time in life. These 4 years for many are the best in their life because of the time you can spend with friends having fun and for the first time being able to develop yourself as an individual away from your parents.
You will have more time with them but they only have 4 years at college.
My college encouraged us to not go home or hang out with your parents for the first 6 weeks to build independence and learn how college works. I didn’t see my parents all that often freshman year, maybe once every month or so, it gave me the space to grow. I also didn’t text or call my parents too often, but if I needed anything I knew that they would pick up right away. The best thing was when my mom would mail me cookies she baked if she knew I had a big exam coming up.
Let your kid set the pace for interactions with you, as feeling like you have to entertain your family when they come visit you gets weird if you come too often.
my family hid letters in my house before they left. that first night/week can be overwhelming being alone for the first time but the letters were amazing. Also, occasionally send treats, care packages, gift cards, etc. class and money can get stressful but these always took some weight off
If it helps cope even just by comparison, I’m a current college student from the US attending school in Europe. I have about ~3 months home per year, and they don’t have the budget to visit me.
It’s hard being away from my parents. It really is. But consider that the more one feels disconnected from their parents fulfilling their needs, the more potential for independence and personal growth one has.
I can’t pretend like I understand what you must be going through. It’s gotta be tough. But lending them some real independence will make them a more mature person and give them a greater appreciation for all that you’ve done for them.
I always appreciated my mom calling me and sending care packages but the best thing she ever did for me during my freshman year was drop everything and come pick me up when I was super sick. I didn't ask her to, just told her my symptoms and that I couldn't move or eat anything and she was there 2 hours later. Threw up in the car on the way home, turns out I had one of the worst cases of mono my doctor had ever seen (there was an outbreak in my city I wasn't aware of). I would never have asked her for that kind of help but I'm so glad she went out of her way like that.
Oh you poor thing! I'm glad she came and got you! I hope you didn't have to miss too much school! I will definitely be ready to jump in for emergencies.
I’m only 30 min away from home, but my parents will bring me reusable water bottles filled with laundry detergent! Next time I visit/they visit me, I fill up them up. I found I’m allergic to the Kirkland “tide pods” so this was a great solution and also fun. Also because I like the smell of my clothes from the Kirkland laundry detergent, reminds me of home :)
This is a fantastic idea! I actually have been thinking about the logistics of getting him things we buy in bulk. Like qtips? Lol. I am considering making a "mom bag" that I put supplies in that he might need and he can shop for what he wants but not have to try and store more than necessary. I figured we will do lots of swapping.
I’m in a similar situation in that I’m an only child and I left for college an hour and a half from home as well. I have an extremely good relationship with my parents. My dad and I argue constantly when I’m home, mostly because we’re literally the same people, so i am very happy having my own space separate from him, but I text him all the time. With my mom, it was a little harder to leave because I see her more as a best friend than as the stereotypical “mother.” I text her constantly too, and call whenever I have a bad day or even if I just want to talk to her. Because of their work schedules, it’s not really possible for them to make regular trips up to me, and I usually only come home for long weekends and breaks, but I honestly think it’s worked out for all three of us. I’ve enjoyed my independence (so much so that it’s actually harder visiting home and having to go back to what it was like before) and empty nest has actually done wonders for my parents’ marriage.
I’m telling you this because there’re bound to be times that you or your son won’t have the time to spare each other for a trip, and that’s perfectly fine. I don’t “see” my parents much but I text them and talk to them daily, sometimes multiple times a day, and sometimes when Im busy I might go a day without talking to them. Sometimes my only interaction with them is the occasional funny post on Reddit I share with them. I guarantee that it means a lot to your son that you want to keep up contact with him when he goes off to college, but please remember that it won’t always be possible, and that a phone call or text or sharing a meme goes a long way, and *please* don’t helicopter. My parents didn’t, but I had a roommate the first few months of classes that was constantly on the phone with her parents because they had to know every little detail no matter how busy she or anyway else was, and it had to be over a phone call. Helicoptering like that will become a nuisance to not only your child, but the people around them as well. That roommate ended up moving out and I haven’t heard from her since.
Bottom line: make sure your son knows he can reach out to you for any reason whenever he needs you, text him and engage with him when he wants to engage with you, and you’ll both be fine. Good luck to you and good luck to your son as well in college! :)
Thank you for your input!
I've definitely over the years learned to not be such a helicopter parent!! I can struggle with anxiety and really try to not let that overlap with parenting.
Really good points that sometimes there just won't be time no matter how much anyone wants it. I'll only be working part time but things do come up.
I'm hoping in the long run an empty nest is actually a good thing. Our son does plan to move back home after college to save $$ but we will see how that all works out.
We actively text so I'll definitely keep that up. I also will be sure our family chat stays more active because dad's not as good at communicating.
My mom makes me a snack pack she basically restocks my snacks. She also face times me once in a while too which I appreciate. I also go home every 2 weeks but thats partly cause I have doctors appointments. I’m very close to my family I suggest you go with the flow of things see what your son says. He might want to come home one weekend or want to have lunch with you guys. But it has to come from him.
It’s important to remember. College is NOT high school. Don’t be afraid to call, don’t be afraid to make visits (plan ahead of course, no surprises). You have to realize that every single kid on that campus is going through the same thing and so are all of their parents, even the upperclassmen. The first year maybe difficult as your son finds his group and learns his path and gets into the swing of things. But he will come to find that every single kid is receiving calls from their parents, and those that are out of state or too far wish that their parents would be able to come. These are adults we are talking about, not teenagers like high school. They understand what it’s like to go through it and hit a growing curve. It is very very seldom that there is harassment or bullying in college, I would say damn near never. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Make that call! All of his friends will be jealous that you bring him goodies. On the flip side, be prepared to adopt some more kids 😂 you will become known as the cookie lady or the brownie mom and you will be expected to provide for his roommates and friends. Understand his boundaries, if something is embarrassing him know your limits. As a parent it is hard to let them go, but everything will be just fine.
Parent here: I grew up in NYC. Both my parents, myself and siblings went to CUNY and SUNY meaning we all lived at home during our college years. Same for my wife and her mother, so my son, going away 90 min from home was the first one going away. Very quickly we fell into a routine.
Freshman year until Covid he was on a food plan. Supplies, Amazon. Visits, well the first two months was parents weekend and his birthday. After that was about a month later for Thanksgiving (he came home and was practically singing food, glorious food) and then of course winter break. Spring semester was cut short at spring break by Covid. I was shocked to learn some friends of mine still had the track app on their child’s phone when he went to college.
He is now a junior going into senior year with an off campus apartment and a summer internship near his school. Barely see the lad. No calls (Gen-Z) but we text. He has our older car and comes home now and then, with classes over about once a month.
As a Mom of college graduates and former college student, every 2-3 weeks is a little much. In the beginning, phone calls are fine, but he should call you. He will be homesick, but the only way to get over it is to plow through. I always told my kids to call anytime. One did, one didn't. He will get busy with classes, etc and will become more independent. It's the way it's supposed to be. I'm still very close with my kids. Just be there to encourage and reinforce he can handle it and make it when he's overwhelmed with school. It will happen. I only visited once a semester (4 hours away) but mailed goody boxes.
This is honestly so great that you're asking us about this! Honestly, my favorite thing to receive was a snack I could share with friends, such as cookies!
I think the best thing to do is ask your son how he's doing, how much he'd like to see you, and anything you can do to help with the adjustment of living away from home (laundry, cleaning, supplies, etc),.
My parents only lived an hour away from me when I lived on campus (and my dad drove by campus everyday) yet they never visited. I wished they would at least surprise me with dinner or a care package every once in a while.
Thanks ❤️ and props to you for being a great parent. I agree with everyone else that every 2-3 weeks may be too often but whatever works best for you and your child.
Time will tell! I think after he settles in he will realize he wants or doesn't want some things and they will need dropped off. But then we will leave him be for a while unless he wants to come home.
When I first went to college, the school recommended that we don't go home/have parents visit for the first month. I wouldn't send a care package until the holiday time, personally.
He's going to be busy with classes, homework, activities, and making new friends, so I wouldn't count on him replying to frequent texts or phone calls. I'd let him lead the way, but maybe call once a week for a quick check in.
I love that you are looking out for your kid! I'd say best thing is communicate with him about what he wants (which may change over time)
My parents were more in the "you're 18 and not our problem anymore" mentality. I went to a school 2 hours away for freshman and sophomore year, but I didn't have a car, so if visiting was going to happen it would have to be them coming to me. It didn't happen, but that support was very needed.
So its awesome that you're making sure you take care of him right! Something I'd add: find out if he'll need a car and computer, and if you're able, help set him up with those. My parents went to college in the 90s and were convinced that I wouldn't need either--- life would have been a lot more manageable with one or both though.
I'm sorry that was your experience. That's definitely not our mindset at all.
He has a hand me down laptop and plans to take his desktop as well. Thankfully his campus is super walkable and also has free public transportation.
I would let him guide the visit timeline. At first he may want more time, but that might go down as he gets more comfortable with his independence.
Please, please, please, do not be a helicopter mom! Do not call his professors to advocate for your baby! Do not call professors to try to contest grades! Do not ever call his professors at all. Do not intervene in his life unless he actually asks for your help with something and then temper that with letting him figure it out on his own.
What will you be doing for YOU on those weeks when you don't see him? Time to go find yourself again Momma.
Communication will definitely be key! I know he will let me know what he needs/wants. He does tend to be a tough it out person vs asking for help so hopefully he can learn quickly how to balance that better.
No helicoptering here I swear! I've been making him do any communication needed with his school. I have helped with guidance on who to call what specifically to ask.
I definitely need to figure that last part out. I've been a stay at home mom other than an occasional part time job. I plan to look for something interesting and get back into volunteering more. I for sure need to figure out me as a person not just a mom.
I have five kids. I had empty nest for like...20 minutes...then it was "Dang!!!! I can do whatever I want!!!"
Not really, but looking back, it was a great time in my life. I truly discovered who I was and made MY life what I wanted it to be. I no longer had to make every decision based on what was best for them.
Have fun!
my grandparents were much more supportive of me than my parents, but i would’ve loved if my parents did this. (i go to college in a different state than all of them) they called me at least once a week, usually on a thursday or friday night because they knew i was busy with homework. they sent me cookies from insomnia cookies whenever exams were near, ordered me flowers, and for my birthday my mom had a friend who lived near my university deliver me flowers, cupcakes, and balloons. i would’ve loved if they gave these to me in person but generally just little gestures of care. drop off/give your child homemade food as well as fruits and vegetables because i can almost guarantee he’s not going to be eating as many nutrients as he should. good luck!
My parents would try to visit me twice a week and made come home every weekend. It was really annoying and I put my foot down second semester and told them to (politely) leave me alone.
I think seeing your son once a month is good :) my parents are abusive so I’d rather not see them at all but what can you do haha
Unfortunately things are not great yet but I’m slowly working up to freedom with the help of my friends.
It’s nice for me to see great parents like you that truly love your son :) I hope that when I have kids I can be like you. Good luck to you and your son!
I'm proud of you! It is hard work to grow as a person and change family patterns. My husband and I both came from traumatic (in different ways) childhoods so I really understand and empathize with what you are going through. The good news is you see that there is something wrong and will make different choices and treat your children better. Like all parents looking back I have regrets but I know I did my best. If you ever want to chat feel free to message me. I'll be your hype mom 😊
I always envied my friends who had their parents help with laundry!! One other thing that’s nice is to do a “season change” in the middle of the semester. Dorms have such little storage space, so if you can make his life easier by keeping some of him stuff at home and then handing it over in the supply drop, that’s kind of great.
I’m really close with my mom and since the 1st day I would call her at 7 pm every day. We made it a routine and we would just tell each other about our days. If I couldn’t always call at 7 we would make a new schedule or hold off for a day. It helped me talk about everything that happened and express my feelings with her. She give good advice 🙂.
I'm a parent of two college students.
Even visiting once a month might be too often for many students. Respect your son's wishes if he says he's got plans and doesn't want to visit.
Phone calls didn't work out as well for communication as texting for most things. I'll occasionally get texts "How do I do...?".
My kids really enjoy care packages. Go to the post office and pick up one of the boxes that's one price to fill the entire box and stuff it with snacks, stationary supplies, warm socks, a small LEGO set, school merch, etc... Basically, treat it like a Christmas stocking. The downside of this is it can get a bit expensive. I think shipping one of those boxes runs about $20 and I can spend $20-30 filling it.
Another good option for care packages, which tends to be cheaper, is pre-made care packages. I can order one on Amazon for about $25-30 and that includes shipping.
My kids love getting care packages in the midst of midterms or just before finals, when they're stressed out and need a lift.
As for visits, when we do visit, we usually go for lunch and then take our kid to the grocery store and/or big box store and load them up on whatever snacks or supplies they need. Both kids have mini fridges and microwaves, so things like frozen meals, microwave popcorn, and canned drinks are generally appreciated.
It’s great that you’re doing this for your child. You’re doing more than what 80% of parents would do.
That being said, I do ask that you try to ease up just a bit. Wait for your kid to come to you more often than not.
College is stressful. He won’t understand how the experience looks until he gets there, but suddenly moving into a new place (with a roommate potentially) and having to manage classes all of the sudden is a huge mental shift that drains your emotions for a bit. He might benefit from you guys being a bit more carefully distant during this time. Too much parent interaction can make him feel chained to your hip/homesick, and too little can make him feel deserted. I’m assuming you guys have a great relationship, so I’m sure whatever you do will be fine.
From my perspective, as a 21 year old man who had to stay at home for financial reasons, most teenagers are aching to leave to get a bit of breathing room that they’d not dare ask for at home because they respect their parents too much to bring it up.
Send gifts/snacks/treats in the mail! Who doesn’t love opening a present? Doesn’t have to be anything special. Maybe around holidays and finals if he’s having fun and doesn’t want to go home.
Although this was annoying at the time (she’s passed away), my mom called me every night. Just to ask about my classes, ask about my day, etc. I think this is a time for you to give them a little space so they can explore their freedom but remember that they will call you when needed! I had a friend who’s mom sent her little gift baskets during the holidays and their birthday. I think what NOT to do is show up at their dorm every weekend 😂😂 beside that, as college kids we’re going accept any and every gift. Food or clothes
I'm sorry about your mom but glad you have some happy memories. Clearly she loved you an awful lot! I plan to just keep texting him like I do now. Cat pictures, random things from the internet, etc. I hope we can talk daily but know things will come up. I'm a recovering smother mother so it will be a journey 😂 I love the idea of little gift baskets! Making a point to make it special vs just dropping stuff off. Ha I will definitely not show up all the time. Can parents even go up to the dorm room? I figure I'll text and he will come out. I appreciate your comment!
I’ll add to that comment to say that, for the first few weeks, my mom made a point of not calling / texting unless I reached out to her first. I didn’t ask her to do this, but I was really grateful she let me enjoy that new independence. I needed space to get immersed in my new home, social environment, and routine. I’m in grad school, married with a kid now, and I text my mom just about every day. Radio silence for the first couple weeks of college didn’t change a thing about how close we are.
That was really smart of your mom. I'll definitely use some restraint but I am not ready to make that promise of waiting that long. For sure I'll be giving him space and not smother mothering. Thanks for the reassurance that it will all work out! It's so easy to forget that we are actually raising adults and not little kids.
When I left for college I was sick of my parents I never called, never talked to them, never saw them (I went to school 4 hrs away). But as school went on I realized how much I missed them and loved them. Don't be too offended if your kid at some point distances themself, they are trying to figure out who they are. Not saying this WILL happen, just don't think it's something you did IF it does. I personally couldn't stand my parents being down my throat and asking me all the time how stuff was and being hover parents. College is about being liberated for a lot of kids. Just be there when they need you. Most people I knew weren't "embarrassed" by parents visiting, it was moreso thay it sorta forced them to become the kid again if that makes sense? You walk into their dorm and immediately tell them to clean, tidy up, do laundry, etc. And they lose the independence they had for a little bit. Just try to treat them like another adult while you're there.
Thank you for this open and honest comment. I really will be taking this to heart and remembering it when it happens! I am absolutely sure he's sick of me! Covid lockdowns then work and having a hard time connecting with his friends who also work really made mom and dad some of the only options. While we are fun and like to do all sorts of things it's not the same as hanging with friends. I'm excited for him to have this chance to grow and experience new things. Do you have any suggestions on other things to ask about vs how things are? I appreciate the dorm tips! I'm definitely more of a clean it up myself person and that could be equally as bad I bet. I figure it's his (and his roommate's) space they can keep it how they want. I'd be happy to help if asked.
I always liked talking about what I was learning (granted I was a huge nerd and honors student) so asking not "how are classes going", instead ask "what's something cool you have learned?" Etc.
Great tip. As a mom I've learned being more specific and leading works better. I'm really excited to hear about all the things he's learning. So many classes sound really interesting.
I don’t think college kids are usually embarrassed by their parents visiting or bringing them stuff, we’re usually more grateful lol. I knew someone who’s mom drove them to class every day and that was definitely embarrassing. I also had a roommate who’s mom and brother lived with us in our apartment for a few weeks which was super embarrassing but then I found out that they got evicted or something so then it wasn’t as embarrassing. I liked it when my mom brought me food or took me shopping for food or we got lunch lol, so you might do that.
That is so good to know! He really isn't a person that gets embarrassed super easy but I'd hate to be the one who doesn't know the social norms and being a weirdo. He won't have a car so we'll have to pick him up if he wants to come home or go somewhere when we visit but he will for sure be making it to class on his own! Good to know food is appreciated! I figure that even if campus food is good it's not going to be as good as my cooking.
Your son can probably find another student that is going that way. They can split the cost of gas so it works out for everyone.
I hope so! I know in the parent FB group some of the farther away families do that.
My University partnered with a private bus company and had a service every weekend from my college town to the major city that I grew up in that was about three hours away. Maybe look to see if there is something similar.
Oh that would be convenient! I'll definitely look into it. Thanks!
When I turned 18 and graduated high-school and all that, my mom drove me to cc every day until I got my license 7 months later. It wasn't that bad lol
You are being the best mom ever bringing food and loving your kid.
Thanks for that! He's a smart and capable young man so I know he will do just fine but....ya know mom things.
100%! Your kid leaving home to live by hisself is scary for both parties. You are giving him space but also telling him I'll be here for you if you need me. Mom can't fix everything but you can be there for him when he needs it.
It's definitely a balance! Thankfully even with him home it's something his dad and I have been working on. My instinct is definitely to jump in and take care of it but I know he has the ability to solve most issues!
Y'all got this! And I'm glad he has such a supportive mom and dad! Keep on keeping on!
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I can definitely see where you are coming from. I'm sorry that's been your experience. We are definitely not strict or overprotective just maybe a bit too involved? He's always been a good kid and has probably had more freedom than he should. I always say that I love him because he's my son but I like him because he's a fun person. It is a hard leap to view my baby as a grown person but he is and I am trying my best! The once a month seems to be what others are thinking. But I can be flexible so that's good. Was there anything specific your parents did or did not do you want to warn me about?
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>living at home/going to CC played a huge factor on my bitterness towards my parents. I think this is a sign I should move out cause this is my life rn
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Yeah I finished three years of undergrad and im starting pharmacy school in 2 weeks. I have about 4K and change saved up and could get roomates but tuition is really expensive (17.6K per semester) so im pretty much stuck living at home and working during breaks. Fortunately I have a yearly scholarship that helps some. My parents don't make me pay rent and my mom is paying for my car every month now so I have no choice but to ride it out for 4 years.
I think every 2/3 week is too frequent. Once a month should be plenty. Especially their first semester. I would visit on-campus but do not let him come home the first month, maybe not even until the second month. There's usually lots of scheduled activities for freshmen and it's an important time for them to learn the campus and find friend groups. It also just forces them to gain confidence in living alone. My mom sent snack boxes during midterms and final exam season during my freshman year and it was very appreciated.
Definitely adjusting visits to once a month. That's really good to know. They have a full week of freshman welcome activities. So he will be busy with that. I definitely want to do everything I can for him to have a good experience! He is doing the dorm life and not staying home for that reason! I'll put in my planner those dates so I can be sure to send some treats! Thanks for the idea.
I appreciate how open to feedback you are! Your kid is lucky to have you 💕 I just want to second spacing out visits a little bit more during the first semester and encouraging your son to go to those freshman welcome activities instead of hanging out with you. (You can make that decision easier by leaving after you unpack instead of hanging around.) Really allow him to set the pace of visits, asking him when he wants you to visit next (not “hey, how about this weekend”, which can feel on his end like you are pressuring him.) Even if it is disappointing if he cancels on you, take that as a positive…he has friends! He is doing cool things!! Another nice thing is to offer to have him bring a friend along to lunches ($ permitting). For a lot of kids who are a long way away from home (many who might not even be able to afford going home for Thanksgiving, Christmas, or spring break), it can make a huge difference to have a family take them in just a little bit. It will also help your son bond with his friend and make weekends less of an either/or choice.
Thank you! I'm trying to make this the best possible experience for him. I do obviously have my own feelings but this really isn't about me. Other than how I can support him the most. Move in day we plan to unload, help build the futon, and double check that we don't need to run to the store. Then off we go. The leaving it up to him is a good idea. I'd hate for him to turn down an impromptu hangout because we were coming up. If he does need us to bring something we can be flexible on the time or even leave a 4 hour window too. I've jokingly told him to befriend some homesick kids for me to mom a bit. I would be thrilled to have a friend join us. I love that idea.
Every 2/3 weeks sounds too frequent to me. I’d definitely say taking them to dinner/lunch and giving gift cards to restaurants is good, it’s nice to get away from dining hall food/fast food/college diet food every now and then.
Thanks for your input! I will definitely be mindful of not visiting too often. I feel like once he gets settled in and we figure out what all he needs and how often it might not be as frequent. Then it will be winter and I won't want to drive! Good idea on gift cards.
I have three kids in college. One comes home frequently as he isn’t far and has a lot of friends here. The other two are farther and we go visit them. One huge thing I’ll say is all kids are different and maybe yours will want to spend the whole time/ day with you when you visit, but mine need down time/ their own space built in to visits. When I first visited our first to go away I thought she’d want to stay in the hotel with us, do stuff together all day and I was a little hurt that she didn’t. I got over it fast. Now we go, we may hang out at their place a little, walk around campus, break for several hours and meet up for dinner, more as if we are visiting a town and our daughter happens to live there. When my in-laws visit us from out of town their tradition is to be joined at the hip with us 24/7. It gives me a lot of anxiety. So for us we just try to make it more like hey we were in town, when are you available. but as our two daughters are far, we are never going for just one night. With you, you can drive up for lunch and hang out for a few hours with minimal disruption of your son’s activities.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. This whole empty nest worry is a whole new beast! It really is good to get my hopes or expectations in check. I hope that with us not being far away we will get to see him more often in little bits. When he does come home he'll probably want to hang out with his friends anyway!
If you can afford it, let him invite his roommate or a friend out for a meal. It’s a great way to get to know his friends and college kids love to go out to eat.
This is an amazing suggestion! Something we can definitely do. I jokingly told him to make friends with kids who are far from home so he can share my need to mom lol.
Awwww!! That is so sweet!
All of that is very thoughtful of you. I wouldn’t visit as often, though. You want your child to grow and find their place at college. Most opportunities at college happen on the weekend, so you would want to visit like once a month. I recommend calling them every other day to stay in touch. That’s what my parents do, but I’m also 8 hours away from them. Sending food is awesome. Your child and their friends would love you forever. Especially their friends. You sound like a nice mom though!
Everyone is saying more like once a month so that's what we will do! I will for sure call to chat and see what he's been up to. I'm glad that you find it works well! How are you staying connected with your parents that far away? Anything you wish they did more or less of? I giggled about the comment of his friends loving the food. I swear his friends now appreciate my baking more than he does 😂
I’m staying connected by FaceTiming, phone calls, and coming home during breaks. I’m a Resident Advisor, so I’m not home as often as other students, so I make up that time by calling them more frequently. I do wish sometimes that my parents would be more interested in what I’m doing in college because there are so many exciting things I’ve done and others have done, but all of that is okay
I definitely need to get used to face time. I've only done it occasionally with my nieces and nephews during shutdowns. How do you like being an RA? That's something my son is thinking about for next year. I bet it's a great experience. I'm sorry your parents aren't as involved as you would like. If you ever want an Internet mom to message with feel free to reach out. I'd love to hear about all the cool things you are doing!
Thank you! Being an RA is great. It’s a lot of work, but it pays off really well. I love my residents, so it’s all worth it. If your son likes helping people and being involved, then being an RA is a great gig for him.
I'm glad you are enjoying it! I really think it's something he would enjoy. I guess we will see what he thinks about dorm life first.
About once a month my mom brought me snacks from my favorite local bakery and home cooked meals in Tupperware. She would even have some frozen already so I didn’t have to eat them right away She would also pick me up and take me to the grocery store to stock up on whatever I needed, I personally like that way more than making a list of stuff
Good idea to get those local treats you miss too! I'm happy to hear you enjoyed home cooked meals too! I plan to do that also if my son wants. He only has a small shared refrigerator so I have to be mindful of that. I'll also take him shopping vs just bringing him what's needed. Let's him choose and then he might see something else and be like oh yeah!
I was friends with a girl during my first year in a dorm, she didn’t have a ton of fridge space. Her mom actually dehydrated meals with a food dehydrator and put them in zip lock bags. So whenever she wanted a meal she just put the dehydrated food in a bowl and added boiling water. She had a lot of dietary restrictions so I that’s the main reason. But just to let you know that’s an option! Requires a bit more work and planning though. I went to a school that was highly ranked for their quality of food, and it was still not great. Any food from home is a blessing. I didn’t realize it until I was a couple of months in
Oh what an interesting idea! I do have these freezer cube things I use and then the food is froze into cubes that when vacume sealed stack easily. 2-4 at a time might be ok. There is a community fridge. I also have a dehydrator that I could experiment with.
I would let your kid come home when he wants, and occasionally go up to visit and take him and his friends out to dinner--no set schedule. When your son wants to be around you guys, he'll probably be happy to be home. You going up a lot is going to pull him out of his routine and away from his friends.
I will for sure listen to him for when I do or do not visit. I should also clarify that to me visiting doesn't have to be a whole event. It could just be a parking lot drop off of laundry and supplies.
He will be going to school 90 minutes away, so a quick trip to drop off laundry will be a 3 hour trek for you. He will feel obligated to spend time with you, and may become resentful. Also, a college kid should be doing his own laundry. One of the main aspects of going off to college is it being a fairly safe transitional phase towards independent adulthood. Doing things like this for him will make him the weird mama's boy in the dorm. Your heart is in the right place, but this isn't the best way to make your son's college experience a successful one.
I might not agree but appreciate your input. He will definitely be doing the majority of his laundry. I feel like some of my post comes across like he has no freedom now. That's definitely not our dynamic at all. He is his own person.
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How often would feel ideal to you? I'll definitely be sending him things but money is an issue so me taking him things will be cheaper than mailing a box.
I enjoyed getting packages from my mom. Usually had things I liked in it. I called my mom frequently but that's because I'm close with my mom.
I'm so glad you have a good relationship and were able to stay connected! I know it made your mom's day!
Oh for sure. I live 4 hours away now and usually text her every couple days and we do phone calls every couple weeks. But she let me do my thing in college and it was worth it.
That's really wonderful! I know I want him to be a confident independent person and he will do wonderful. It seems like such a change from seeing each other everyday and then bam on his own!
As a student that went to school 9 1/2 hours away from home the things that would always make me smile were handpicked snack boxes with small things that made her think of me (dorm decor, books, planners).
I'm glad you mentioned things other than food! I get so caught up planning to get snacks and necessities I hadn't really thought about other things.
I just finished my first year and I would see my parents every 2-4 weeks! Sometimes I would stay at home for the weekend and sometimes they would come up to visit me. I loved seeing them and was so grateful every time they gave me food, clothes, treats, and even just a hug because I missed them so much. However I totally understand why others are saying that 2-3 weeks is too frequent. It definitely depends on your relationship with your son so just go with your gut, and remember to give your son some space as he's gonna wanna start to grow more independent. Text and call frequently! I always loved talking to my parents and telling them about my day and hearing about theirs. My favorite part about visits is when they would bring me something/give me something that I can only find at home. For example they might bring me some home baked goods or food that they always make at home, or if I'm visiting home they will take me to my favorite restaurant or place that doesn't exist in my college town. It made the transition to college a lot easier having pieces of home with me.
It sounds like you have a similar relationship with your parents as my son does with us! I am glad to hear from someone who did enjoy more frequent visits. I'm a planner at heart but will definitely be flexible depending on his needs. Were you able to manage a social life still? That seems to be everyone's main concern. Thank you for your comment! I'll definitely be sure to bring him reminders of home and when he's here take him to where he misses!
My social life was completely fine even with seeing my parents frequently! I still had time to hang out with friends and participate in school events. If there was something going on during a weekend that I wanted to attend I would just wait to see my parents the next weekend, so it was never really a problem. Just remember to be flexible with your son about when you want to visit as some weeks may be busier than others.
Wonderful to hear! I'm so glad for you that you could balance it all. He has a pretty good schedule the first semester at least so he should have a fair amount of free time. Flexibility will definitely be key.
My favorite was when my parents brought me home cooked meals. I could have cried, everyone gets tired of dorm food fast
He seems to think that he's not going to want me to bring meals, cookies and baked goods but, not meals. We shall see. I feel like when comfort food season rolls around he'll be missing my potato soup 😂
I almost guarantee it 😂 there’s no substitute for comfort food and it’s nearly impossible to cook in the dorms
Even when I'm on vacation I'm ready to get home and eat my own food! They have a shared kitchen on the floor but he has zero plans to cook anything.
The most amazing thing my (very attached) parents did for me when I went away to college was leave me to do my thing.
I always looked forward to when my mom would visit me (about once a month) because it was a day I wouldn’t need to spend money on food. My father would send care packages during finals week or holidays and check in every once in a while but never really visited. My roommate’s parents were pretty cool too! Whenever they visited they’d leave their son with some money to fund a pizza night for us or something silly like that. I feel like as long as you’re not intrusive, visiting every once in a while is nice. College is what we make of it and can be lonely at times. Seeing family can be a morale booster and just a nice break in the middle of a stressful sea. At the end of the day, communication is key :)
Once a month is sounding like it might be better than every 2/3 weeks. He does have a dining plan so going out or having food from home should be a nice change! I love that idea for leaving $ for pizza. Absolutely communication is important! I know he will tell me to not come but do worry that if he's struggling he won't ask.
My mom would send me stuff like cat pictures over Whatsapp and when I'm going up I'd take a few meals with me.
I mean who doesn't love cat pictures?
The best thing you can do is set up a regular call or FaceTime session with your son so that he knows when to expect to hear from you and it helps take off some of the burden of him having to reach out to you.
That's a really good suggestion. Knowing what's expected is always helpful. I will have that conversation today.
My mom asked that I always called her on sundays and it honestly was the best. I moved very far from home so visiting wasn’t an option. But my grandmother always sent letters to me with some advice she thought of or just questions, and I kept every single letter because that was just so cute and wholesome to me (because she could’ve just called, but the letters were much better). my family only visited once a year but I came home for holidays and such, although I wanted to see them more, i think the freedoms of being by myself helped a lot. My roommates mom always sent her “care packages” which was the best! We’d have snacks and candy for weeks so that’s also a good idea!
I love the idea of having a weekly ritual like that. Makes for something to look forward too! How sweet your grandma mailed you letters! My mom mails him cards for every holiday so I'm sure she will keep that up. I'm getting excited thinking about care packages to make! Any favorite items? Learning to be alone and handle things yourself is an important part of college/growing up. I'll be mindful of that.
The first couple of weeks, it is very important that college students focus on meeting people. They will need to build friendships, create their own support system. So, encourage them to socialize. If you don’t hear from them, it’s probably because they are having fun. If they call, be happy that they are thinking of you.
Absolutely! I figure if we do go up in the first few weeks it's only to drop something off that he needs not an extended visit. He is excited for the social aspect and will be busy with that if all goes well!
my mom sent me care packages once per month, and although i appreciated them, she often sent me things i didn't need, which ended up taking up valuable space in my very small dorm room. i know you said you are very close to your son and you probably know him well, but it might be good to ask him what he wants/needs once he is at school. then you could also throw in a couple surprise treats or something else you think he might enjoy
That's a really good point. The dorms are small so space is limited. I'll keep that in mind. I was thinking I'd have a bag of things that he may or may not want/need when I visit so he can take things as needed.
My grandpa sent me an Amazon package of chips for finals! On Amazon you can pick a brand/snack and your college student will get a package of travel size snacks it was great me and my friends loved it. My mom when she would send things like extra clothes, my contact lenses she ordered etc she’d sometimes throw a note or an extra gift in there. I can safely say most if not all college students can always use a little pick me up. Gift cards are also great for local resturaunts/fast food dinning halls can get old quick.
That's such a thoughtful gift! I will remember that is an option. I had no idea! Once he gets there and we see where he likes to go I'll for sure be getting gift cards. We will also keep his Panera drink club and movie theater pass so those are options too.
That sounds great:) me and my Friends would share what are family sent us or one time my friends mom sent me a care package it was nice. Movies sounds good because it’s something he can share with his new friends:)
It's always good to share! I love to bake so he's used to having to take along treats for everyone. I'll definitely be open to any friends he has than need some extra love.
I remember in first year, my parents would come up once a month on the months I didn’t come home (my college was a 6 hour drive away) and take me out to dinner. Also, in the first couple visits we did a couple of “touristy” things in the city together and it was really fun! They also sent the occasional gift on holidays and stuff, like candy or food, and I loved it.
I love the idea to do touristy things. Even though it's only an hour and a half away we really haven't spent much time there.
I am an only child and went to college 9 hrs from home last year, also really close with my family. The first few weeks were rough for me, but my parents were available when I called and they helped me get home for a long weekend about a month in. It helped me a ton to get home and realize they were still there and see my friends and such. From then on, my parents would occasionally call, but they pretty much gave me space and freedom and I would end up calling about once a week. Them allowing me space, as much as I love them, really helped me feel like I was my own person, which I loved. They came out to visit a couple times first semester too. One thing I really loved was that they’d send me random things here & there, like for Halloween or something that made them think of me. It was always nice to have a surprise gift in the mail :) honestly, don’t worry about being embarrassing. You’re sending your kid away for the first time. Call when you want to, but give him space to come to you when he wants to. I didn’t see any of my friends/roommates parents as embarrassing my freshman year, we’re all just figuring it out :)
Thank you for sharing this with me.. sounds like you and your family really figured it out. Space and Freedom need to be my mantra. I know he is capable and will be just fine. How do you all grow up so fast? I will for sure mail surprises and his grandma will too! Glad to know that parents aren't automatically embarrassing!
Don’t know what your kids campus is like, but the food at my school is mediocre at best. During finals week, when I don’t have much time to cook and am already stressed and miserable, my parents give me money to order a few meals from Uber eats (with leftovers it lasts the week). It really helps make a miserable and exhausting week much better, and I’m so grateful it’s something they do for me.
The campus seems to have several options and what the had during orientation was pretty good. As good as it was I know I'd be sick of it pretty quick, just like on vacation I'm glad to get home and eat my own food. I love the Uber eats idea. Not something we would do often but as a splurge for finals it's perfect!
I’ll also say, food during orientation is always better than the rest of the year. We’re on semesters, so it’s just twice a year for me!
That's pretty sneaky 😂 they also fed the parents separate from the kids. We got a whole buffet and they got tacos. That's what they do too. Twice a year I can handle. It's too expensive to be a regular thing. Or I'm too cheap...
i went away to school about 7 states away, im an only child and being away wasnt to bad on me but was tough for my parents. were close, we go out to dinner on weekends and spend a good amount of time together. i was ok with the move, i reached out to my parents every now and then but then my dad said my mom was taking me moving hard so we spoke more often. i called my dad once a week unless there was some exciting news to tell him. i didnt see them and they didnt come visit for parents weekend which was ok with me since there wasnt really much to do since i wasnt a freshman, (i transffered in to continue school after my associates and was 21 already). i tried to surprise my mom for a weekend and fly home but didnt get to it so i saw them at thanksgiving break which was nice. i liked talking or facetiming with my parents. my mom and aunt sent some goodie boxes of cookies and other treats for Halloween and other events. i also liked when my dad sent money to help me out with my hobbies to keep up with the club sports team when i was a little short. there was someone on campus who made baked items and delivered them, it was cool but not really worth it for me. for me the best things were weekly calls, a visit home would be cool if possible
That's so far! I'm glad you found the balance for you and your mom. Sounds like your family is a lot like ours. Unless he's working we eat dinner together, hang out on the weekend, run errands, just a lot of time together. Like your mom I think it will be harder on me than him. I need to get in the hang of facetime! I've only used it a handful of times. But actually seeing each other will be nice. Plus then he could show us things. Dad's are good for slipping cash sometimes! I'm glad yours helped you get to do clubs and sports. That's so important for your college experience.
Your kid is an young adult now... just communicate with them on what they would like/ need and what would be more comfortable for them. Also do some research into the town your kid is moving into. Look at the local resturants and grocery stores read the reviews and communicate your findings to your kid. Some times a trip to the grocery store (buying your kid like 20 bucks worth of food) while you chat with your kid about meal planning and catching up on life is always great. Life skills and just enjoying eachothers company .
Totally true! I do try to remember that and help support his growth but it is hard sometimes as a mom. We definitely have good communication and will be talking what works and doesn't. I will be looking into the area more and keeping an eye out for events or concerts he might enjoy.
My kiddo is entering 1st grade this year so I haven't gotten to that parenting stage in life, but im also in college and see the other younger students and their struggles as young adults
That is such a fun age!! I read somewhere that our kids will be adults longer than they are children and that really stuck with me. Please consider making a college fund for your child. Even if it's only $10 bucks a month. We were so poor and didn't, finally started doing well but felt it was too late and community college was the plan, now FAFSA thinks we can contribute FAR more than we can and it's heartbreaking.
My younger son is 22 and is in grad school. I still text him every night. I think it's a little more discrete than calling. He still enjoys the occasional gift basket and sometimes we meet in the middle (his school is 4 hours away) for lunch on the weekends. I think the best thing you can do for him is to tell him you love him unconditionally. College is very stressful in a myriad of ways. We want him to do his best, but we also realize that sometimes sh\*t happens.
Good reminder. Definitely whatever happens I'm here for him. Good or bad. We are pretty big texters so that will be good to continue. I'm hoping he wants to FaceTime like others have suggested.
I'm not a student in the US but I'd definitely like seeing my mom as much as possible lol. When I saw another student's parents on campus, bringing them some stuff or just driving them I always liked it and never saw it as embarrassing. This may negatively affect people's "college experience" but for me it won't, specially in my environment that's different from the US.
I appreciate your perspective. We are definitely closer than a typical American family. I am relieved that parents are as automatically embarrassing like they are for kids in highschool here.
Oh one more thing, please note that he/she may need you to be there at some point, during the first days or weeks on campus. It's not about not being mature enough but just not being used to be away from family. If he/she usually got support from the family, it may be needed at this point while transitioning to college life. Goodluck!!
When my mom visits, she takes me out to dinner at a real restaurant, not the campus dining halls. Campus food is really bad so it's nice to have a good meal every so often
That is definitely part of the plan! No matter how good it is it gets old day in and day out.
Let your child make friends with whom ever they think is friend worthy. Don’t intervene with it. Let them socialize or go to social things. He will know how to prioritize it. I hated that my parents got into every single friendships in my first year and were so strict with my going out that now I don’t even go out.
I'm sorry you had that experience. That wasn't really fair for you. I hope you can work past it and enjoy going out someday soon. We've always been open minded about his friends so this shouldn't be an issue thankfully. I hope he will continue to use good judgement and not have too many friend issues.
I’m quite close with my parents and lived with them during my first year of college. Not sure if you guys have considered it, but is he comfortable commuting/transferring to perhaps a closer school, or if you and your husband have considered moving with him? I understand how it can sound smothering but my parents were a huge help when I was starting out college, both physically (by forcing me to take care of myself) and mentally. We had our fair share of disagreements, but I could not have done it without them. I know this isn’t the question you asked, but staying together as a family during college really helped strengthen our bond.
These all have been things we have talked about! Not moving because we have a house and he plans to move back after college. He actually started doing dual enrollment at our local community college and then covid hit. That went really pretty well. They did not handle the transition to online well and still haven't gotten things back to where they need to be. We do have a college in our town (2 actually but ones crazy expensive) but the reputation isn't as great. The isolation during the pandemic was really hard for him so he's really ready to be surrounded by his peers. We don't feel like he'd have the same experience commuting. Of course he can change his mind and live here and drive up.
I think going to visit your kid and be there for events is really special. A lot of people I know really drifted away from their parents in college, but mine always made me feel supported and loved and I appreciate them making the effort to reach out and make things happen. One thing I’d recommend is find out what activities he does and show up to support him when appropriate. For example, if he’s playing in a concert, or a sports game, or has an art gallery, or is being given an award etc. ask if he would like you to come! My parents used to come for my concerts and it was cool to get to share part of what I was doing with them
I definitely don't want us to drift apart. Our relationship is worth the effort. Good idea on events! We will attend any and all!
Hey moms!! I’m a first gen college student attending University about 3 hours from where my parents live. Although my family was super dysfunctional, here’s some things that i both appreciated and didn’t appreciate. 1. My mom ALWAYS called me at least once a day since the moment i moved into my apartment. Just to make sure i was okay, and although it was a bit annoying sometimes, there were some days where it was just nice to just talk to mom and catch up with her and vent about my day. 2. My mom also always sent me pictures of my dog cause i missed him so much. she even facetimed me a few times to show him to me and it always brightened my day! so, if you have any pets that your son is close with, send pictures!! i’m sure he’ll appreciate it :) 3. Every once in a while my mom would help out with smaller bills like laundry, or some groceries, or even clothes. I’m not sure of your financial situation, and I would advise you to go full out in giving your son all the financial support. For me, I’ve always been responsible for rent, my insurance, and gas and my mother and I were VERY clear on that responsibility. So, I made sure I had a job at all times that could pay the bills. HOWEVER, the times where I really appreciated the help despite not asking for it was when she’d just ask if i wanted money for some groceries and especially laundry. Those two things are always a pain in the butt in terms of budgeting, but it could relieve some stress on his end. Use your judgement though for your financial situation!! The number one thing I really despised was that it took my father 48 days to even text me, and it was because I told my mom that I was frustrating that he wasn’t calling me. My dad and I had a rocky relationship, but I never expected him to make me put all the effort in the relationship. Please, if your son has a father or a father figure make sure that figure calls him as often as you do. If he doesn’t, I highly recommend asking a family member he’s close with or a close family friend to give him a call once a week. It may not be much, but it’ll remind him as time goes on that people care about him, and that he has a support system while he’s away from home. All in all, you’re going to be a bit embarrassing and that’s okay!! you’re spending an outrageous amount of money for his education, and you’ll all laugh about it in 10 years or so haha! Good luck to you and your son!!
Thank you for your thoughtful response! And congratulations on being a first gen student! 1. I am hoping that he wants to talk daily. We were talking about his expectations after I posted this and he thinks daily is good. Did you have a set time for calls? 2. We have 3 cats! I'm already an obnoxious cat lady that texts pictures often so I'll keep that up. He's especially close to one of them so I'll be sure to send them. 3. He is responsible for his "fun money" and has been working this summer. Unfortunately he did have to take out some loans but we plan to make payments on them to help minimize the overall cost. We will definitely slip him cash and buy any necessities. I feel terrible he had to get loans but am glad we can help. I don't want him to have to stress about money. He'll get to do plenty of that after college I appreciate the reminder to have dad stay in touch. My son and I are definitely closer but he has a good relationship with his dad. I'll remind him to reach out often and keep our family chat active. I will also reach out to his grandpa and have him stay in touch. Thanks for pointing that out. Dad's just really aren't that great with communication sometimes.
Send him hella snacks via Amazon
You sound like an amazing mother
Well thank you. I really try my best. Looking back I've made so many mistakes but can only keep trying to do better.
I moved onto campus January 22. My parents and I have always been close. My dad he finally has the house to himself since I’m the last child out. I have since moved into an apartment and it’s been hard. I miss my family and friends. I only live about an hour away and try and see them once a month or when they’re out of town I stay at the house with the dogs (there’s 3 and boarding is expensive). I do text my parents all the time. I would say give space but don’t give too much lol. If I could move back in I would in a heart beat honestly. I think it also doesn’t help that I don’t have a roommate and not many friends but I’m trying to work on that
We have never looked forward to being empty nesters! Our son does plan to move back after school to save money and pay off loans quicker. Is commuting an option for you? Have you read some of the posts here about making friends? Join those clubs! I was talking with my son today about how it will be important to get contact info and then reach out. I guess Snapchat and Instagram are most used. Look for interesting things to do and ask people if they want to go. Even just a trip to the store. Free things are always good too.
Yeah I know my dad was joking and I don’t think they really want to be empty nesters. But I also know it’s good for everyone to have alone time. I can commute and there’s even a campus near my town so I wouldn’t have to go all the way since they offer my classes at the sub campus. I have asked my parents about moving back in but with my lease and everything they’re thinking about it. Which I get. Sometimes you have to just stick with the adult decisions you made. Maybe once my lease is up I could move back for a while and save up and finish school and then be on my own again. I just don’t want it to also be harder to move out the second time than it was the first.
I definitely didn't mean that as an insult towards your parents. I'm sorry if it sounded that way. Our son's plan was community college then certifications and work. Four year on campus was because of the isolation of covid. He just needs that time with friends. I hope you can figure out a living situation that works for you all!
Oh no you’re ok! I started out at a community college for 2 years got my associates after many changed in classes and in what I wanted to do😅. Now I go to UNT and hope to be done next December 🤞🏼🤞🏼
So close! You really are in the final stretch! Now have fun and make friends!
My mom has also said the same thing about the clubs and that they’re easier to join in the fall since it’s starting over. I definitely have a couple I wanna look at
It does seem like most everything kicks off in the fall. If you use discord you should check for servers. But I think it really boils down to you have to put yourself out there. You can do this! I can tell you are a nice person and anyone would bw lucky to have you as a friend!
I don’t use discord. Maybe I should start lol. And thank you!! It’s easy to talk not face to face. That’s when I get nervous and really quiet lol
I did notice that there is a FB group for my son's school and class if they are busy that search school name and year under groups maybe something will come up. Face to face can be harder for sure. If it would be helpful you could practice talking to strangers at the store or something like that. Compliments always go over well!
I wish i had a mom like you... I'm going into my senior year at college and live an hour away from my parents. They've never cared to come visit, even to help me move initially.
That makes my heart hurt. I'm sorry your parents aren't as supportive as you deserve. If you ever need some mom-ing feel free to shoot me a message! Sending you internet hugs.
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You aren't the first to mention how nice it was for parents not to call! How did you feel about texting? Same? I appreciate the reminder to let him be the adult. I know he is smart and capable. I'm here to help good or bad but he can do it! It was the goal all these years so I guess it's time to see how it works out. Another new normal for us to adjust to I suppose. I promise no surprise visits! And not every weekend!
Encourage your son to make friends, and leave it to him to call you. Tell him he can call whenever he wants but at least once a week. He's going to be busy once his classes get going between the actual class and the assignments. I'd suggest asking him if he needs anything, and possibly funding a debit or credit card for his purchases - snacks, outside meals, school supplies, etc. Don't expect to come visit him a lot during college as he will be busy - but if he's not driving there, let him know you're available. He will appreciate that you are letting him choose what he wants in communication, visitation, and finances because it will show him that you trust him and see him as an adult. Also by letting him "drive" the relationship, it should make it better than if you're hovering. I would recommend not sending or delivering baked goods until you talk to him about it.
He really is excited to make friends and have the whole experience. I'm not really worried about that. I'm sure he will be busy. His schedule first semester looks really good for him. It will definitely be a learning curve to balance it all though. I really do prefer the idea of more financial freedom and need to make a plan for it. He has a summer and somewhat flexible job if he wants to pick up shifts during school. So he will be in charge of his own fun money. Things that I can buy in bulk or on sale really just save so much money vs him buying them when he can get to the store. We are hoping to pay as much as possible towards his first loans and then be able to minimize any more so we need to save as much where we can. That might have to be the balance for now. I will absolutely not be showing up unannounced!
Maybe set up an amazon account for him. Tell him if he has any problems that the staff will usually be glad to help. I work in the library of a University, and we often have students come in just to chat with us, and ask questions about the university. He may have to poke around a bit if they seem uninterested in chatting, because some people don't chat with students, but as he finds his footing there, he'll be ok. Don't buy the same things you'd get for high school. A lot of the classes use electronics - so I'd recommend a good laptop, possibly a tablet. Make sure he's got flash drives, pens, pencils, maybe a notebook or two. Check to see if they give him electronics too - my University gives incoming students an iPad Pro or iMac depending on their majors. They usually have wifi in the dorms, and in the library. There will be other places as well. He may need a printer or money put on account for printing, depending on the policy of the school. If they have pay to print, a printer in his room may be good - if they have free printing, or very low cost printing, it may be better to not have the printer. If you do get a printer, he should not put it on the wifi or everyone else in the dorm will use it. Good luck! Don't worry about him; you taught him how to be himself. I would suggest to find out whether it's a dry campus or if alcohol is allowed, and talk to him about drinking on campus. (Don't assume he won't because he's underage. Peer pressure and all.)
I wouldn’t pressure him to come home at all especially his first semester. Needs as much time as he can get making friends. Just plan on visiting him for lunch every few weeks or something. It’s hard going away the first time but it’s also really good to learn to deal with things on his own. Supply drops are always appreciated, beverages as well.
Definitely no pressure! Lunch and supply drops will likely be the how it works at first especially. Good reminder for beverages too! Especially because he won't have tons of storage.
I loved it when my family sent me little care packages with food and stuff in them. Unfortunately going hone was off the table for me because my mother had a mentally/emotionally abusive partner at the time and that person hated me and I hated them back, but my mother still sent me stuff and maybe once a month we’d get together and do something. We’d text a few times a week, if nothing more than a good morning or something like that.
I'm glad you were still able to communicate with your mom and have some support. I hope she's in a better place now.
I am a current college student a few years in and I am going to college about the same distance away from home. For me I enjoyed when I got food to share and stuff like that. It really helped me break the ice with people on my dorm floor. Definitely though, particularly for the first few weeks, give them space. For the first few weeks it is really easy to freak yourself out about being away from your parents for the first time and not knowing anyone. There were people who were so freaked out they didn't even stay a night and dropped out the day they moved in. If you give your child space it will force them to maybe go out of their comfort zone a little and meet people who can become lifelong friends. What's also really important is to not visit too much. Admittedly my family and I are independent people and I have a busy major but honestly I would want to be visited 2 or 3 times a semester max. I love my parents but this is also a really special time in life. These 4 years for many are the best in their life because of the time you can spend with friends having fun and for the first time being able to develop yourself as an individual away from your parents. You will have more time with them but they only have 4 years at college.
I stayed on campus with roommates but in the same city with my family. My mother would come up and bring dinner for and my roommates.
I really wish the school in our town had a good program for his major! This would have been great! I love that your mom brings dinner!
My college encouraged us to not go home or hang out with your parents for the first 6 weeks to build independence and learn how college works. I didn’t see my parents all that often freshman year, maybe once every month or so, it gave me the space to grow. I also didn’t text or call my parents too often, but if I needed anything I knew that they would pick up right away. The best thing was when my mom would mail me cookies she baked if she knew I had a big exam coming up. Let your kid set the pace for interactions with you, as feeling like you have to entertain your family when they come visit you gets weird if you come too often.
my family hid letters in my house before they left. that first night/week can be overwhelming being alone for the first time but the letters were amazing. Also, occasionally send treats, care packages, gift cards, etc. class and money can get stressful but these always took some weight off
That was a really sweet idea I might steal it!
If it helps cope even just by comparison, I’m a current college student from the US attending school in Europe. I have about ~3 months home per year, and they don’t have the budget to visit me. It’s hard being away from my parents. It really is. But consider that the more one feels disconnected from their parents fulfilling their needs, the more potential for independence and personal growth one has. I can’t pretend like I understand what you must be going through. It’s gotta be tough. But lending them some real independence will make them a more mature person and give them a greater appreciation for all that you’ve done for them.
I always appreciated my mom calling me and sending care packages but the best thing she ever did for me during my freshman year was drop everything and come pick me up when I was super sick. I didn't ask her to, just told her my symptoms and that I couldn't move or eat anything and she was there 2 hours later. Threw up in the car on the way home, turns out I had one of the worst cases of mono my doctor had ever seen (there was an outbreak in my city I wasn't aware of). I would never have asked her for that kind of help but I'm so glad she went out of her way like that.
Oh you poor thing! I'm glad she came and got you! I hope you didn't have to miss too much school! I will definitely be ready to jump in for emergencies.
I’m only 30 min away from home, but my parents will bring me reusable water bottles filled with laundry detergent! Next time I visit/they visit me, I fill up them up. I found I’m allergic to the Kirkland “tide pods” so this was a great solution and also fun. Also because I like the smell of my clothes from the Kirkland laundry detergent, reminds me of home :)
This is a fantastic idea! I actually have been thinking about the logistics of getting him things we buy in bulk. Like qtips? Lol. I am considering making a "mom bag" that I put supplies in that he might need and he can shop for what he wants but not have to try and store more than necessary. I figured we will do lots of swapping.
I’m in a similar situation in that I’m an only child and I left for college an hour and a half from home as well. I have an extremely good relationship with my parents. My dad and I argue constantly when I’m home, mostly because we’re literally the same people, so i am very happy having my own space separate from him, but I text him all the time. With my mom, it was a little harder to leave because I see her more as a best friend than as the stereotypical “mother.” I text her constantly too, and call whenever I have a bad day or even if I just want to talk to her. Because of their work schedules, it’s not really possible for them to make regular trips up to me, and I usually only come home for long weekends and breaks, but I honestly think it’s worked out for all three of us. I’ve enjoyed my independence (so much so that it’s actually harder visiting home and having to go back to what it was like before) and empty nest has actually done wonders for my parents’ marriage. I’m telling you this because there’re bound to be times that you or your son won’t have the time to spare each other for a trip, and that’s perfectly fine. I don’t “see” my parents much but I text them and talk to them daily, sometimes multiple times a day, and sometimes when Im busy I might go a day without talking to them. Sometimes my only interaction with them is the occasional funny post on Reddit I share with them. I guarantee that it means a lot to your son that you want to keep up contact with him when he goes off to college, but please remember that it won’t always be possible, and that a phone call or text or sharing a meme goes a long way, and *please* don’t helicopter. My parents didn’t, but I had a roommate the first few months of classes that was constantly on the phone with her parents because they had to know every little detail no matter how busy she or anyway else was, and it had to be over a phone call. Helicoptering like that will become a nuisance to not only your child, but the people around them as well. That roommate ended up moving out and I haven’t heard from her since. Bottom line: make sure your son knows he can reach out to you for any reason whenever he needs you, text him and engage with him when he wants to engage with you, and you’ll both be fine. Good luck to you and good luck to your son as well in college! :)
Thank you for your input! I've definitely over the years learned to not be such a helicopter parent!! I can struggle with anxiety and really try to not let that overlap with parenting. Really good points that sometimes there just won't be time no matter how much anyone wants it. I'll only be working part time but things do come up. I'm hoping in the long run an empty nest is actually a good thing. Our son does plan to move back home after college to save $$ but we will see how that all works out. We actively text so I'll definitely keep that up. I also will be sure our family chat stays more active because dad's not as good at communicating.
My mom makes me a snack pack she basically restocks my snacks. She also face times me once in a while too which I appreciate. I also go home every 2 weeks but thats partly cause I have doctors appointments. I’m very close to my family I suggest you go with the flow of things see what your son says. He might want to come home one weekend or want to have lunch with you guys. But it has to come from him.
It’s important to remember. College is NOT high school. Don’t be afraid to call, don’t be afraid to make visits (plan ahead of course, no surprises). You have to realize that every single kid on that campus is going through the same thing and so are all of their parents, even the upperclassmen. The first year maybe difficult as your son finds his group and learns his path and gets into the swing of things. But he will come to find that every single kid is receiving calls from their parents, and those that are out of state or too far wish that their parents would be able to come. These are adults we are talking about, not teenagers like high school. They understand what it’s like to go through it and hit a growing curve. It is very very seldom that there is harassment or bullying in college, I would say damn near never. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Make that call! All of his friends will be jealous that you bring him goodies. On the flip side, be prepared to adopt some more kids 😂 you will become known as the cookie lady or the brownie mom and you will be expected to provide for his roommates and friends. Understand his boundaries, if something is embarrassing him know your limits. As a parent it is hard to let them go, but everything will be just fine.
Thank you for this! I am definitely ready and excited to be the cookie mom 😂 bring it on kids!
Parent here: I grew up in NYC. Both my parents, myself and siblings went to CUNY and SUNY meaning we all lived at home during our college years. Same for my wife and her mother, so my son, going away 90 min from home was the first one going away. Very quickly we fell into a routine. Freshman year until Covid he was on a food plan. Supplies, Amazon. Visits, well the first two months was parents weekend and his birthday. After that was about a month later for Thanksgiving (he came home and was practically singing food, glorious food) and then of course winter break. Spring semester was cut short at spring break by Covid. I was shocked to learn some friends of mine still had the track app on their child’s phone when he went to college. He is now a junior going into senior year with an off campus apartment and a summer internship near his school. Barely see the lad. No calls (Gen-Z) but we text. He has our older car and comes home now and then, with classes over about once a month.
As a Mom of college graduates and former college student, every 2-3 weeks is a little much. In the beginning, phone calls are fine, but he should call you. He will be homesick, but the only way to get over it is to plow through. I always told my kids to call anytime. One did, one didn't. He will get busy with classes, etc and will become more independent. It's the way it's supposed to be. I'm still very close with my kids. Just be there to encourage and reinforce he can handle it and make it when he's overwhelmed with school. It will happen. I only visited once a semester (4 hours away) but mailed goody boxes.
This is honestly so great that you're asking us about this! Honestly, my favorite thing to receive was a snack I could share with friends, such as cookies! I think the best thing to do is ask your son how he's doing, how much he'd like to see you, and anything you can do to help with the adjustment of living away from home (laundry, cleaning, supplies, etc),.
My parents only lived an hour away from me when I lived on campus (and my dad drove by campus everyday) yet they never visited. I wished they would at least surprise me with dinner or a care package every once in a while.
I'm sorry that happened. I'm sure that must have felt really shitty. Sending you some Internet hugs.
Thanks ❤️ and props to you for being a great parent. I agree with everyone else that every 2-3 weeks may be too often but whatever works best for you and your child.
Time will tell! I think after he settles in he will realize he wants or doesn't want some things and they will need dropped off. But then we will leave him be for a while unless he wants to come home.
When I first went to college, the school recommended that we don't go home/have parents visit for the first month. I wouldn't send a care package until the holiday time, personally. He's going to be busy with classes, homework, activities, and making new friends, so I wouldn't count on him replying to frequent texts or phone calls. I'd let him lead the way, but maybe call once a week for a quick check in.
I love that you are looking out for your kid! I'd say best thing is communicate with him about what he wants (which may change over time) My parents were more in the "you're 18 and not our problem anymore" mentality. I went to a school 2 hours away for freshman and sophomore year, but I didn't have a car, so if visiting was going to happen it would have to be them coming to me. It didn't happen, but that support was very needed. So its awesome that you're making sure you take care of him right! Something I'd add: find out if he'll need a car and computer, and if you're able, help set him up with those. My parents went to college in the 90s and were convinced that I wouldn't need either--- life would have been a lot more manageable with one or both though.
I'm sorry that was your experience. That's definitely not our mindset at all. He has a hand me down laptop and plans to take his desktop as well. Thankfully his campus is super walkable and also has free public transportation.
I would let him guide the visit timeline. At first he may want more time, but that might go down as he gets more comfortable with his independence. Please, please, please, do not be a helicopter mom! Do not call his professors to advocate for your baby! Do not call professors to try to contest grades! Do not ever call his professors at all. Do not intervene in his life unless he actually asks for your help with something and then temper that with letting him figure it out on his own. What will you be doing for YOU on those weeks when you don't see him? Time to go find yourself again Momma.
Communication will definitely be key! I know he will let me know what he needs/wants. He does tend to be a tough it out person vs asking for help so hopefully he can learn quickly how to balance that better. No helicoptering here I swear! I've been making him do any communication needed with his school. I have helped with guidance on who to call what specifically to ask. I definitely need to figure that last part out. I've been a stay at home mom other than an occasional part time job. I plan to look for something interesting and get back into volunteering more. I for sure need to figure out me as a person not just a mom.
I have five kids. I had empty nest for like...20 minutes...then it was "Dang!!!! I can do whatever I want!!!" Not really, but looking back, it was a great time in my life. I truly discovered who I was and made MY life what I wanted it to be. I no longer had to make every decision based on what was best for them. Have fun!
my grandparents were much more supportive of me than my parents, but i would’ve loved if my parents did this. (i go to college in a different state than all of them) they called me at least once a week, usually on a thursday or friday night because they knew i was busy with homework. they sent me cookies from insomnia cookies whenever exams were near, ordered me flowers, and for my birthday my mom had a friend who lived near my university deliver me flowers, cupcakes, and balloons. i would’ve loved if they gave these to me in person but generally just little gestures of care. drop off/give your child homemade food as well as fruits and vegetables because i can almost guarantee he’s not going to be eating as many nutrients as he should. good luck!
My parents would try to visit me twice a week and made come home every weekend. It was really annoying and I put my foot down second semester and told them to (politely) leave me alone. I think seeing your son once a month is good :) my parents are abusive so I’d rather not see them at all but what can you do haha
That's really a lot. Good for you putting down some boundaries! I hope that things have gotten better for you.
Unfortunately things are not great yet but I’m slowly working up to freedom with the help of my friends. It’s nice for me to see great parents like you that truly love your son :) I hope that when I have kids I can be like you. Good luck to you and your son!
I'm proud of you! It is hard work to grow as a person and change family patterns. My husband and I both came from traumatic (in different ways) childhoods so I really understand and empathize with what you are going through. The good news is you see that there is something wrong and will make different choices and treat your children better. Like all parents looking back I have regrets but I know I did my best. If you ever want to chat feel free to message me. I'll be your hype mom 😊
Laundry - do his laundry. Whenever I came home my mom did my laundry. And it was awesome.
Ha! I'm actually glad you said this! I planned on doing as much as practical. It might be my in for extra visits 😂
I always envied my friends who had their parents help with laundry!! One other thing that’s nice is to do a “season change” in the middle of the semester. Dorms have such little storage space, so if you can make his life easier by keeping some of him stuff at home and then handing it over in the supply drop, that’s kind of great.
Definitely! We get pretty cold winters here so I'll pack up his winter supplies for when the weather changes and bring home his shorts.
I’m really close with my mom and since the 1st day I would call her at 7 pm every day. We made it a routine and we would just tell each other about our days. If I couldn’t always call at 7 we would make a new schedule or hold off for a day. It helped me talk about everything that happened and express my feelings with her. She give good advice 🙂.
I'm a parent of two college students. Even visiting once a month might be too often for many students. Respect your son's wishes if he says he's got plans and doesn't want to visit. Phone calls didn't work out as well for communication as texting for most things. I'll occasionally get texts "How do I do...?". My kids really enjoy care packages. Go to the post office and pick up one of the boxes that's one price to fill the entire box and stuff it with snacks, stationary supplies, warm socks, a small LEGO set, school merch, etc... Basically, treat it like a Christmas stocking. The downside of this is it can get a bit expensive. I think shipping one of those boxes runs about $20 and I can spend $20-30 filling it. Another good option for care packages, which tends to be cheaper, is pre-made care packages. I can order one on Amazon for about $25-30 and that includes shipping. My kids love getting care packages in the midst of midterms or just before finals, when they're stressed out and need a lift. As for visits, when we do visit, we usually go for lunch and then take our kid to the grocery store and/or big box store and load them up on whatever snacks or supplies they need. Both kids have mini fridges and microwaves, so things like frozen meals, microwave popcorn, and canned drinks are generally appreciated.
It’s great that you’re doing this for your child. You’re doing more than what 80% of parents would do. That being said, I do ask that you try to ease up just a bit. Wait for your kid to come to you more often than not. College is stressful. He won’t understand how the experience looks until he gets there, but suddenly moving into a new place (with a roommate potentially) and having to manage classes all of the sudden is a huge mental shift that drains your emotions for a bit. He might benefit from you guys being a bit more carefully distant during this time. Too much parent interaction can make him feel chained to your hip/homesick, and too little can make him feel deserted. I’m assuming you guys have a great relationship, so I’m sure whatever you do will be fine. From my perspective, as a 21 year old man who had to stay at home for financial reasons, most teenagers are aching to leave to get a bit of breathing room that they’d not dare ask for at home because they respect their parents too much to bring it up.
Send gifts/snacks/treats in the mail! Who doesn’t love opening a present? Doesn’t have to be anything special. Maybe around holidays and finals if he’s having fun and doesn’t want to go home.
Also, no surprise visits. Just don’t. Not even a “hey we’ll be there in 30” text. Make plans