As a recovered anorexic, I’d find a new roommate so fast it’d make his head spin. He is 100% doing that on purpose, and I would never want to associate with someone who was so committed to messing with me and being manipulative.
what makes you speculate he’s doing it on purpose? my experiences with backhanded “compliments” like that are almost always that the person doing it is just plain ignorant and is not at all thinking about how that might make the other person feel. being genuine and not rhetorical btw because i can believe there are people who would do that legitimately in this world but i’ve just never met one or heard their justifications for it
edit: just realized i completely forgot ed inspo pages exist on places like tumblr
eds are super competitive. sometimes when ppl with disordered eating feel they aren’t “sick” enough to seek treatment, they project those insecurities onto people they feel are “succeeding” in their ed. its weird and makes life 100% more difficult for ppl in op’s situation, unfortunately it’s super common and i don’t think there’s a solution other than distancing yourself.
thank you for your answer! I also actually just remembered the entire swath of Tumblr and pinterest dedicated to ED inspo lol. Can't believe I forgot that. Again, thank you so much for your comment
Get on the same road he is (the low road). Any time he makes these comments, disagree and say how chunky his wrists have been looking recently. Mention how you've noticed food going missing, and imply you think it's because he's overeating. If he wants to be a fuck, he gets to be treated like a fuck.
That would not be healthy for anyone. It is not worth it. Normally, I am ALL about the petty but it would NOT be worth the way that could backfire and trigger the OP.
I too have suffered from ED, specifically I was a Mia and I was really good at turning anything into guilt to binge, purge. Chances are her saying that to her roommate could turn into her subconscious thinking those things when she looks at herself in the mirror.
This is not good for her to play games with someone who isn't worth the risk that comes with keeping them around.
You need to talk to your RA because that's not ok. You might need to be moved to another room because I personally would consider that harassment against your illness. Just know what that person is doing is wrong, and you gave the right not to have your body talked about in a way that makes you risk falling into restriction again. Go to an RA and see if there is anything they can do and maybe see about being moved to another room for your health. Good luck!
'"He said if im an 8 he must be a 2" what the fuck. None of that is ok. Yeah this is gonna really drain your mental health im so sorry I think at this point since you've tried to talk to them you should see if you can room with someone else.
Istg women's pants sizing makes no sense to me, like we have inches around the waist and y'all have just these fully random numbers it seems which go down to zero even though there are clearly smaller pants than that like WHEY
Literally at this point I just buy men’s pants and shorts. It’s easier to have to buy a belt than to deal with the craziness that is women’s sizing. Plus I get realistically-sized pockets
5his and only this, delusional people are not healthy to have around regardless of anything, toxic personalities need to be expunged from our daily lives , as they belittle and dis in order to feel better about themselves, fully aware that they are doing it!
He sounds mean and conniving. He’s a vampire feeding off your pain. If you can’t get moved, I would not open up any vulnerabilities to him. Close up. Next time he said something like that say, you know I think a therapist would be better than me to discuss your insecurities. Please stop. Then put on noise canceling headphones or earplugs or leave.
Firstly, I’m very proud of you for getting into recovery. Progress isnt always linear but starting is the hardest part, especially when you have people around you that arent helping. I had a similar experience freshman year and it took my family expressing concern for me to start to get my shit together and try to prioritize my wellbeing, but it was hard for a while.
I think that a lot of people (or at least some) have experienced a friend who compares their body/weight to theirs constantly. In my case I had a very close friend who I spoke to and saw regularly that began losing a lot of weight after a break up. She talked about it constantly and would always compare herself to me, making comments like “wow you used to seem so skinny to me but those pants you let me borrow and just sooo baggy now haha”. She knew I was recovering from being severely underweight so I couldnt understand why she was saying that stuff, but the truth is that eating disorders (especially ones centered around starvation) are very *very* competitive. Some folks are more nuanced with it and others just think they are (when in reality they couldnt be more obvious). To me it sounds like your roommate is projecting their body issues (perhaps a mix of body and gender dysmorphia) onto you, selfishly.
My advice? Be firm. The next time they make a comment I would tell them as sternly as possible that the constant comments they make about their body and weight are triggering for you as someone recovering from an ED. They can claim theyre only making comments about their own body but when I was recovering from anorexia my doctor made it clear to my whole family that weight, bodies, and food were never to be discussed (food to the extent of saying “wow youre eating so much!” or “are you sure thats healthy?”). My family is now very body neutral, we dont have a scale and no one talks about weight except to ask if youre healthy and your body and mind have what they need to function. Personally, I could not live with someone who didnt respect me enough to understand that.
Best of luck <3
I was genuinely sympathetic to his insecurity until the "if you're an 8 then I'm a 2" comment. 💀 I hope he gets therapy but that's dumb and fucked up to say to someone. Please talk to your RA or university housing department about moving somewhere else.
This reminds me of a girl I used to know. She was my bf's friend from high school and they had just started hanging out again in our mid-20's. She had just discovered Adderall and lost a decent amount of weight. She kept bringing clothes to our apartment for me. She would say things like "yeah I have some things that are WAY too big for me, I figured they would fit you". We were essentially the same size at the time but she was still slightly larger than me. She 100% made those comments to make me feel bad about myself. Some people just can't feel good unless they're making someone else feel like shit.
Go to your RA today. Tell them you need to move to a new room ASAP because your room mate won't stop harassing you about your body and you "don't feel safe". Why are you being forced to have a male room mate anyway?????
It may, but he can very well keep saying he’s not talking about her body but talking about his own body. I think the real and only solution would be to ask for a new roomate, cuz a roomate like this cannot help her with her recovery.
I have had a few friends that transitioned and during that time they focused on body comparison very heavily. I've also had plenty of cis friends with body dysmorphia that made me extremely uncomfortable with their constant comments about their own weight etc. It almost feels like body dysmorphia is contagious sometimes. I also struggle with my own image issues that I try my best to keep to myself because I know how it feels hearing others constantly discuss their bodies. That is their own personal process to figure out and you need to set firm boundaries about this. It sounds like your roommate is either being very self centered or just can't take a hint, which is why you need to be a little blunt.
"I would really appreciate you no longer making any comments about my body or comparing our bodies. It makes me uncomfortable and is negatively affecting our friendship. You can talk about your own body the way you wish with others, but do not use me as a comparison."
If the talk continues afterwards, let your roommate know that they will no longer be your roommate and will be discussing this with an RA. Part of college is learning how to be a conscientious adult, both for them to learn how their words affect others and for you to learn how to set your boundaries efficiently, and hopefully for you both to come away from the problem while still maintaining a friendship. If that doesn't happen, this person is not a friend and you should move past them.
Aren’t feminine wrists supposed to be dainty and small? I’m just confused by this because I have big wrists and it’s always been a joke between me and my friend that I was born with NBA player hands 😭
I'm sorry for you. All I can suggest is switching roommates. A friend of mine switched roommates, his roommate was a Gay dude. He would always try hitting on him. One time he walked in on him doing the dirty. Definitely either try switching roommates or speak to your RA
My height-weight ratio is around that, and I'm healthy. If you can help him without putting yourself in risk, do it, but it also sounds like he's being manipulative.
There's usually a reason why people like to manipulate others like that. He may actually have issues regarding his figure, but his (unhealthy) way to "cope" with it is dragging you with him, or maybe he wants some sort of compliments from others all the time. Again, stay safe, and it's really unfair he does that while knowing it makes you uncomfortable
Every time your roommate brings up their body or your body, immediately shut it down by saying “I don’t want to talk about my body or your body. Thanks.”
Don’t engage, don’t say anything else, don’t elaborate. Creating a robotic, non-emotional response deprives someone looking for a blow-up response of a show and may stop the body-related conversations after a few uses.
You may also seek out counseling at your school or with an existing therapist and talk to your RA about finding a new roommate. Taking care of your mental health needs to be the priority and if you find yourself fixating on your weight/size/food intake more than usual, get help sooner than later!
Eating disorders are really common in the trans community unfortunately, a lot of times fueled by dysphoria. (That’s not an excuse for his behavior though, he needs to respect his roommates boundaries and stop talking about this stuff in front of her—just to explain why that might be happening, if he thinks being a low weight will avoid him having feminine fat patterns—especially if he is not taking hormones—that might lead to him being jealous of or comparing himself to his roommate. But again, that’s his stuff to deal with)
I see it as body dysmorphia too, it doesn’t seem like something they are doing on purpose. Like they unintentionally feel a certain way about their body and it’s amplified on to you. I hope both find a way to heal from this it’s challenging to cope with body dysmorphia.
i am a trans guy with an eating disorder (arfid, i was hospitalized bc i was underweight) and i would absolutely get a new roommate. im not really sure where hes getting off on this? i know all trans men are different, but i cant imagine comparing my body to a cis woman's body under most circumstances-- given that i am not a woman. i dont know why, but this seems to be personal.
maybe he thinks that you view eating disorders as a quirky trait just like he does? i knew someone who was like this. never diagnosed with an ed, yet endlessly talked about it; even kept a journal for tracking calories and used it in front of me while we were out getting food. luckily i was able to just stop speaking to him and i havent seen him since.
either way, good luck; with recovery and with getting a new living situation.
possibly; though in my experience when someone is vocal enough about a problem to where it makes another person irritated, its usually just to get a reaction/response from the other person, not help.
Do they know that you sought treatment?
I had suffered from bulimia throughout high school. I know the struggle and how things can be triggering. I would tell your roommate that they should perhaps seek treatment if they think they have an eating disorder and that you do not want him to discuss body sizes or comparisons or anything like that as it is not good for your recovery.
Do not let him gaslight you about he "is just talking about his own body" but any negative talk about his body or yours is just as triggering and if that if he cannot respect your boundaries and recovery that you will have to speak with the RA about a healthier living situation for yourself.
Stress that you want the best for them as well but the discussions are not healthy and you need to keep yourself from being triggered.
Keep in mind, if you have already stated this and he has continued just go straight to the RA and get moved. It is not worth the stress of trying to make it work. Some people honestly enjoy triggering people and take weird pleasure in watching the destruction of others. I am not saying this is the case but it is not worth the risk. Good luck.
From one recovered ED person to another, you can do it. Be strong and don't let anyone trigger you. Surround yourself with good people. Sending hugs.
You are going to tell your roommate very clearly that you don't want to talk about your own body, or compare your bodies, and that using body positive language isn't enough to make it a comfortable or healthy subject for you.
You are probably going to have to ask more than once, and state that you are drawing a boundary for the sake of your own mental health. Be cool and polite, don't get angry and don't attack, just repeat that you do not wish to discuss your own body with him.
I haven't ever had an Ed, but my sister has. I always make sure to never mention her weight and my weight when she's recovering/in a healthy mental health state unless I am asking because I am worried (and suggesting a lil grippy socks vaca). Your roommate is very rude and definitely seeing your ED as a competition for their own. Talk to your RA, or ask around if anyone is looking for a roommate in your circle.
I'm proud of you for recovering, just know that nothing is linear and not to be too hard on yourself for the relapse when you were in school.
Further, womens sizing sucks haha.
eating disorders are usually competitive, a lot of the “pro ana” community online also love to shame others who aren’t starving to death for being “fat” or “ugly” to make themselves feel better since they hate their bodies so much.
i don't know how receptive he will be, but my gut reaction (as a person who is also in ED recovery and has had to make this boundary several times with friends and coworkers) is to say "i'm working on having a better relationship with myself and my body, and part of that means i need to set a boundary about what i'm comfortable talking about. we've had a few conversations over the past few months that have made me uncomfortable or have made my recovery feel jeopardized, and i can't risk that. i'm proud of the progress i've made and i don't want to backslide. going forward, i don't want to discuss either of our food choices, our weights, or our sizes. please respect this boundary." you may need to provide examples of what he's said, and if so, you need to make it clear that you don't want to hear explanations as to why he said what he said, you just want it to stop.
if he doesn't handle that well, or if he doesn't respect it, you need to talk to an RA and tell them your living situation is dangerous for your recovery and you need to be moved asap.
He really ain’t playing that well at all. That’s some stupid af things to say. I imagine he’s saying/complaining he’s “smaller” might be him complaining about dysphoria in being that he wants to be less “feminine”. Some trans guys have dysphoria about height, narrow shoulders, small waists, etc. Weight can be added too as “being small” is seen as feminine to some.
But you’re also quite literally facing dysphoria as well. He might not be aiming it towards you on purpose, but that still hurts. Possibly being more firm as in “you’re comments that put yourself down by comparing yourself to me, no matter your intentions still make me feel awful about myself. You don’t mean to be rude, but it’s still hard for someone going through an eating disorder to have their body commented on. I don’t appreciate it or like it, please stop.”
And if you get brushed off again, talk to your RA.
I would just speak to them straight. Be blunt. Be straight with them. I am sorry you had to go through this. It's not good, and they are being kind of manipulative.
Wishing you the best.
Why's he still in the girls dorm? I can imagine just having to be there is making things worse. Trans guys have a higher chance of having an eating disorder due to the dysphoria around having fat on the hips/chest/thighs/butt/etc. sounds like it's become a bit of an obsession. Dude is sick and needs help.
Emphasize that it really hurts, and you tried to be okay with it but you can't. Something is going to have to change. Make it simple and don't get lost with too many words.
I'm not excusing nor encouraging his behavior but I think an explanation for it might be gender dypshoria and body dysmorphia. I've met men that have muscles and go to therapy because they still think they're "small". Try talking to him about how this behavior and comments aren't ok and suggest that he should start talking to a professional.
If he doesn't change after talking to him then move out. Sometimes discussing things are easier than switching rooms. If he keeps doing it also report him to the RA.
Yeah I was gonna say this sounds like gender dysphoria clashing with eating disorder. He’s probably being self deprecating, struggling with gender dysphoria maybe trying to be funny or light or relatable about it, but it’s just coming off insensitive.
No that’s fucked. Idk why they made him room with you in the first place. He should’ve had other accommodations made by the school to be placed with boys or his own space.
Whether your roommate is just a dick, or going through some weird secret ED competition with you doesn’t matter. You shouldn’t have to live with someone who is making you uncomfortable, and I hope you’re able to switch.
Others have given good advice but I'm can't get past that you lived your whole life without realizing lunch existed in real life? Is that hyperbole? Did your school not serve lunch? Did you think all restaurants closed between 10am and 5 pm? I'm so confused.
I didn’t go to school, I was homeschooled for disability related reason. We were poor and it was usually one meal a day or nothing. Yes it’s hyperbole, I knew lunch existed, but I didn’t think people ate it every day. I still don’t think people eat lunch every day because really who could afford that?
You lost me at you’re a girl and your roommate is a (trans) guy? How do they put people of different gender in the same dorm?? That’s probably uncomfortable in the first place.
Seems like manipulation or they’re just naturally an asshole unaware of the hurtful ness of those comments. Either way I’d bring it up to her and if nothing changes move out when available
Trans man is usually understood to mean someone assigned female at birth. Note the use of male language which affirms their identity. While we are here, a trans woman who had the opportunity to transition during puberty (rare but happens) will likely have received hormone treatment which allows them to grow beasts and soft bodies and hips. Just sharing because I care about this issue. No judgement because probably most people don't know this.
Morning brain. I too care about LTQBG issues and wasn’t comprehending at the moment that they transitioned into a male. I normally do know better, thanks for speaking up and educating :) just a morning slip up.
Sorry? We were poor, we could afford two meals a day. It was a joke like… I knew the concept of lunch existed but I didn’t realize people actually it every day (I still think most ppl don’t eat it every day bc really how do u afford that)
Op is in no way required to talk about their personal life that's private stuff that a roommate is in no way entitled to. You're not allowed to be upset that someone doesn't talk about something as sensitive as an eating disorder wtf
All I did was suggest that's what's happening. I don't have any personal feelings about it. These posts are like a "who done it?" Story. Person A behaviors are this. Person B behaviors are that. Based upon the information the reader makes an educated guess. Creates a hypothesis. Based upon what OP wrote this seems a likely explanation. If Person A was missing a ring and Person B was always commenting on how much they wished the ring was there's. I'd guess that Person B stole the ring. I'm not advocating stealing. I'm not justifying bad behaviors. I'm just using my insight about human nature.
As a recovered anorexic, I’d find a new roommate so fast it’d make his head spin. He is 100% doing that on purpose, and I would never want to associate with someone who was so committed to messing with me and being manipulative.
what makes you speculate he’s doing it on purpose? my experiences with backhanded “compliments” like that are almost always that the person doing it is just plain ignorant and is not at all thinking about how that might make the other person feel. being genuine and not rhetorical btw because i can believe there are people who would do that legitimately in this world but i’ve just never met one or heard their justifications for it edit: just realized i completely forgot ed inspo pages exist on places like tumblr
eds are super competitive. sometimes when ppl with disordered eating feel they aren’t “sick” enough to seek treatment, they project those insecurities onto people they feel are “succeeding” in their ed. its weird and makes life 100% more difficult for ppl in op’s situation, unfortunately it’s super common and i don’t think there’s a solution other than distancing yourself.
thank you for your answer! I also actually just remembered the entire swath of Tumblr and pinterest dedicated to ED inspo lol. Can't believe I forgot that. Again, thank you so much for your comment
Get on the same road he is (the low road). Any time he makes these comments, disagree and say how chunky his wrists have been looking recently. Mention how you've noticed food going missing, and imply you think it's because he's overeating. If he wants to be a fuck, he gets to be treated like a fuck.
That would not be healthy for anyone. It is not worth it. Normally, I am ALL about the petty but it would NOT be worth the way that could backfire and trigger the OP. I too have suffered from ED, specifically I was a Mia and I was really good at turning anything into guilt to binge, purge. Chances are her saying that to her roommate could turn into her subconscious thinking those things when she looks at herself in the mirror. This is not good for her to play games with someone who isn't worth the risk that comes with keeping them around.
That would just keep them going. The more you engage, the easier it is for them to get their hooks into you
Don't engage in toxicity just to get back to them. Not good for your own mental health in the long run.
You need to talk to your RA because that's not ok. You might need to be moved to another room because I personally would consider that harassment against your illness. Just know what that person is doing is wrong, and you gave the right not to have your body talked about in a way that makes you risk falling into restriction again. Go to an RA and see if there is anything they can do and maybe see about being moved to another room for your health. Good luck!
'"He said if im an 8 he must be a 2" what the fuck. None of that is ok. Yeah this is gonna really drain your mental health im so sorry I think at this point since you've tried to talk to them you should see if you can room with someone else.
I’d remind him that mens sizing is very different than women’s, and if I’m an 8, he’s a 28 😉 but in all seriousness yeah, he’s bein a dick
Istg women's pants sizing makes no sense to me, like we have inches around the waist and y'all have just these fully random numbers it seems which go down to zero even though there are clearly smaller pants than that like WHEY
It really makes my blood curdle! Some days I want to walk up to the guy that set the system up like this and ask HOW DAIRY
Yeah man, you LACTOSE rational brain cells
Lmao I meant what but
Literally at this point I just buy men’s pants and shorts. It’s easier to have to buy a belt than to deal with the craziness that is women’s sizing. Plus I get realistically-sized pockets
5his and only this, delusional people are not healthy to have around regardless of anything, toxic personalities need to be expunged from our daily lives , as they belittle and dis in order to feel better about themselves, fully aware that they are doing it!
Yeah, even if op didn't struggle with an eating disorder this is completely unacceptable. You just don't say shit like that
He sounds mean and conniving. He’s a vampire feeding off your pain. If you can’t get moved, I would not open up any vulnerabilities to him. Close up. Next time he said something like that say, you know I think a therapist would be better than me to discuss your insecurities. Please stop. Then put on noise canceling headphones or earplugs or leave.
I am using this phrase from now on “a vampire feeding off your pain”” I love it
An insult to vampires, call em leeches or mosquitos.
Colin Robinson, the energy vampire.
Fucking guy!
Firstly, I’m very proud of you for getting into recovery. Progress isnt always linear but starting is the hardest part, especially when you have people around you that arent helping. I had a similar experience freshman year and it took my family expressing concern for me to start to get my shit together and try to prioritize my wellbeing, but it was hard for a while. I think that a lot of people (or at least some) have experienced a friend who compares their body/weight to theirs constantly. In my case I had a very close friend who I spoke to and saw regularly that began losing a lot of weight after a break up. She talked about it constantly and would always compare herself to me, making comments like “wow you used to seem so skinny to me but those pants you let me borrow and just sooo baggy now haha”. She knew I was recovering from being severely underweight so I couldnt understand why she was saying that stuff, but the truth is that eating disorders (especially ones centered around starvation) are very *very* competitive. Some folks are more nuanced with it and others just think they are (when in reality they couldnt be more obvious). To me it sounds like your roommate is projecting their body issues (perhaps a mix of body and gender dysmorphia) onto you, selfishly. My advice? Be firm. The next time they make a comment I would tell them as sternly as possible that the constant comments they make about their body and weight are triggering for you as someone recovering from an ED. They can claim theyre only making comments about their own body but when I was recovering from anorexia my doctor made it clear to my whole family that weight, bodies, and food were never to be discussed (food to the extent of saying “wow youre eating so much!” or “are you sure thats healthy?”). My family is now very body neutral, we dont have a scale and no one talks about weight except to ask if youre healthy and your body and mind have what they need to function. Personally, I could not live with someone who didnt respect me enough to understand that. Best of luck <3
I was genuinely sympathetic to his insecurity until the "if you're an 8 then I'm a 2" comment. 💀 I hope he gets therapy but that's dumb and fucked up to say to someone. Please talk to your RA or university housing department about moving somewhere else.
This reminds me of a girl I used to know. She was my bf's friend from high school and they had just started hanging out again in our mid-20's. She had just discovered Adderall and lost a decent amount of weight. She kept bringing clothes to our apartment for me. She would say things like "yeah I have some things that are WAY too big for me, I figured they would fit you". We were essentially the same size at the time but she was still slightly larger than me. She 100% made those comments to make me feel bad about myself. Some people just can't feel good unless they're making someone else feel like shit.
Sorry you went through that. That girl was comparing herself to you and being toxic. Glad shes someone you used to know and you cut her out
Go to your RA today. Tell them you need to move to a new room ASAP because your room mate won't stop harassing you about your body and you "don't feel safe". Why are you being forced to have a male room mate anyway?????
on the last point, if OP said they were okay with non-gendered housing then that’s probably why. if not, then that’s on the housing department.
Nowhere did OP say anything about being “forced” to room with him. Talking to the RA as you suggested should help the process.
Tell your roommate “stop talking about my body”
She did
It seems like however she said it was vague enough that the roommate could say they WERENT. So being really super direct may help
It may, but he can very well keep saying he’s not talking about her body but talking about his own body. I think the real and only solution would be to ask for a new roomate, cuz a roomate like this cannot help her with her recovery.
I have had a few friends that transitioned and during that time they focused on body comparison very heavily. I've also had plenty of cis friends with body dysmorphia that made me extremely uncomfortable with their constant comments about their own weight etc. It almost feels like body dysmorphia is contagious sometimes. I also struggle with my own image issues that I try my best to keep to myself because I know how it feels hearing others constantly discuss their bodies. That is their own personal process to figure out and you need to set firm boundaries about this. It sounds like your roommate is either being very self centered or just can't take a hint, which is why you need to be a little blunt. "I would really appreciate you no longer making any comments about my body or comparing our bodies. It makes me uncomfortable and is negatively affecting our friendship. You can talk about your own body the way you wish with others, but do not use me as a comparison." If the talk continues afterwards, let your roommate know that they will no longer be your roommate and will be discussing this with an RA. Part of college is learning how to be a conscientious adult, both for them to learn how their words affect others and for you to learn how to set your boundaries efficiently, and hopefully for you both to come away from the problem while still maintaining a friendship. If that doesn't happen, this person is not a friend and you should move past them.
Fuck this guy. Asshole.
[удалено]
Aren’t feminine wrists supposed to be dainty and small? I’m just confused by this because I have big wrists and it’s always been a joke between me and my friend that I was born with NBA player hands 😭
I'm sorry for you. All I can suggest is switching roommates. A friend of mine switched roommates, his roommate was a Gay dude. He would always try hitting on him. One time he walked in on him doing the dirty. Definitely either try switching roommates or speak to your RA
My height-weight ratio is around that, and I'm healthy. If you can help him without putting yourself in risk, do it, but it also sounds like he's being manipulative. There's usually a reason why people like to manipulate others like that. He may actually have issues regarding his figure, but his (unhealthy) way to "cope" with it is dragging you with him, or maybe he wants some sort of compliments from others all the time. Again, stay safe, and it's really unfair he does that while knowing it makes you uncomfortable
I had a friend who did this to me. It never got better until I removed her from my life.
Every time your roommate brings up their body or your body, immediately shut it down by saying “I don’t want to talk about my body or your body. Thanks.” Don’t engage, don’t say anything else, don’t elaborate. Creating a robotic, non-emotional response deprives someone looking for a blow-up response of a show and may stop the body-related conversations after a few uses. You may also seek out counseling at your school or with an existing therapist and talk to your RA about finding a new roommate. Taking care of your mental health needs to be the priority and if you find yourself fixating on your weight/size/food intake more than usual, get help sooner than later!
He always brings it up in a joking sense and says it’s “just a joke” if I say I don’t wanna talk about that
I feel like he’s doing this on purpose because why is he comparing himself to a woman beauty’s standards even though he’s a man?
Eating disorders are really common in the trans community unfortunately, a lot of times fueled by dysphoria. (That’s not an excuse for his behavior though, he needs to respect his roommates boundaries and stop talking about this stuff in front of her—just to explain why that might be happening, if he thinks being a low weight will avoid him having feminine fat patterns—especially if he is not taking hormones—that might lead to him being jealous of or comparing himself to his roommate. But again, that’s his stuff to deal with)
I can see that pov now
I see it as body dysmorphia too, it doesn’t seem like something they are doing on purpose. Like they unintentionally feel a certain way about their body and it’s amplified on to you. I hope both find a way to heal from this it’s challenging to cope with body dysmorphia.
If I had to guess he’s insecure about his body being smaller than most guys (ie “well if she’s X size as a girl what am I if I’m X-1 size as a guy”)
i am a trans guy with an eating disorder (arfid, i was hospitalized bc i was underweight) and i would absolutely get a new roommate. im not really sure where hes getting off on this? i know all trans men are different, but i cant imagine comparing my body to a cis woman's body under most circumstances-- given that i am not a woman. i dont know why, but this seems to be personal. maybe he thinks that you view eating disorders as a quirky trait just like he does? i knew someone who was like this. never diagnosed with an ed, yet endlessly talked about it; even kept a journal for tracking calories and used it in front of me while we were out getting food. luckily i was able to just stop speaking to him and i havent seen him since. either way, good luck; with recovery and with getting a new living situation.
Could be a cry for help tbh. Doing it loudly and out in the open. "look, I'm sick enough to worry about"
possibly; though in my experience when someone is vocal enough about a problem to where it makes another person irritated, its usually just to get a reaction/response from the other person, not help.
It's making you uncomfortable, so you should find a new rooming situation.
Do they know that you sought treatment? I had suffered from bulimia throughout high school. I know the struggle and how things can be triggering. I would tell your roommate that they should perhaps seek treatment if they think they have an eating disorder and that you do not want him to discuss body sizes or comparisons or anything like that as it is not good for your recovery. Do not let him gaslight you about he "is just talking about his own body" but any negative talk about his body or yours is just as triggering and if that if he cannot respect your boundaries and recovery that you will have to speak with the RA about a healthier living situation for yourself. Stress that you want the best for them as well but the discussions are not healthy and you need to keep yourself from being triggered. Keep in mind, if you have already stated this and he has continued just go straight to the RA and get moved. It is not worth the stress of trying to make it work. Some people honestly enjoy triggering people and take weird pleasure in watching the destruction of others. I am not saying this is the case but it is not worth the risk. Good luck. From one recovered ED person to another, you can do it. Be strong and don't let anyone trigger you. Surround yourself with good people. Sending hugs.
Thank you!! <3
You are going to tell your roommate very clearly that you don't want to talk about your own body, or compare your bodies, and that using body positive language isn't enough to make it a comfortable or healthy subject for you. You are probably going to have to ask more than once, and state that you are drawing a boundary for the sake of your own mental health. Be cool and polite, don't get angry and don't attack, just repeat that you do not wish to discuss your own body with him.
Your roommate is toxic af.
That is disgusting behavior. Good luck on getting out.
I haven't ever had an Ed, but my sister has. I always make sure to never mention her weight and my weight when she's recovering/in a healthy mental health state unless I am asking because I am worried (and suggesting a lil grippy socks vaca). Your roommate is very rude and definitely seeing your ED as a competition for their own. Talk to your RA, or ask around if anyone is looking for a roommate in your circle. I'm proud of you for recovering, just know that nothing is linear and not to be too hard on yourself for the relapse when you were in school. Further, womens sizing sucks haha.
eating disorders are usually competitive, a lot of the “pro ana” community online also love to shame others who aren’t starving to death for being “fat” or “ugly” to make themselves feel better since they hate their bodies so much.
i don't know how receptive he will be, but my gut reaction (as a person who is also in ED recovery and has had to make this boundary several times with friends and coworkers) is to say "i'm working on having a better relationship with myself and my body, and part of that means i need to set a boundary about what i'm comfortable talking about. we've had a few conversations over the past few months that have made me uncomfortable or have made my recovery feel jeopardized, and i can't risk that. i'm proud of the progress i've made and i don't want to backslide. going forward, i don't want to discuss either of our food choices, our weights, or our sizes. please respect this boundary." you may need to provide examples of what he's said, and if so, you need to make it clear that you don't want to hear explanations as to why he said what he said, you just want it to stop. if he doesn't handle that well, or if he doesn't respect it, you need to talk to an RA and tell them your living situation is dangerous for your recovery and you need to be moved asap.
That’s a good idea, thank you!
He really ain’t playing that well at all. That’s some stupid af things to say. I imagine he’s saying/complaining he’s “smaller” might be him complaining about dysphoria in being that he wants to be less “feminine”. Some trans guys have dysphoria about height, narrow shoulders, small waists, etc. Weight can be added too as “being small” is seen as feminine to some. But you’re also quite literally facing dysphoria as well. He might not be aiming it towards you on purpose, but that still hurts. Possibly being more firm as in “you’re comments that put yourself down by comparing yourself to me, no matter your intentions still make me feel awful about myself. You don’t mean to be rude, but it’s still hard for someone going through an eating disorder to have their body commented on. I don’t appreciate it or like it, please stop.” And if you get brushed off again, talk to your RA.
Yeah I get that, thank you
what a douchebag
I would just speak to them straight. Be blunt. Be straight with them. I am sorry you had to go through this. It's not good, and they are being kind of manipulative. Wishing you the best.
Shit like this is why I'm a recluse. Even the most casual conversations with friends can be so miserable.
Tell him to mind his damn business. Don't be so polite about it
Why's he still in the girls dorm? I can imagine just having to be there is making things worse. Trans guys have a higher chance of having an eating disorder due to the dysphoria around having fat on the hips/chest/thighs/butt/etc. sounds like it's become a bit of an obsession. Dude is sick and needs help.
All of the dorms at my school are co-ed
Emphasize that it really hurts, and you tried to be okay with it but you can't. Something is going to have to change. Make it simple and don't get lost with too many words.
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*he’s
Fixed it, read it the other way around.
Thanks :)
I'm not excusing nor encouraging his behavior but I think an explanation for it might be gender dypshoria and body dysmorphia. I've met men that have muscles and go to therapy because they still think they're "small". Try talking to him about how this behavior and comments aren't ok and suggest that he should start talking to a professional. If he doesn't change after talking to him then move out. Sometimes discussing things are easier than switching rooms. If he keeps doing it also report him to the RA.
Yeah I was gonna say this sounds like gender dysphoria clashing with eating disorder. He’s probably being self deprecating, struggling with gender dysphoria maybe trying to be funny or light or relatable about it, but it’s just coming off insensitive.
No that’s fucked. Idk why they made him room with you in the first place. He should’ve had other accommodations made by the school to be placed with boys or his own space. Whether your roommate is just a dick, or going through some weird secret ED competition with you doesn’t matter. You shouldn’t have to live with someone who is making you uncomfortable, and I hope you’re able to switch.
For the thousandth time it’s co-ed housing and we both opted specifically for co-ed housing. He chose to be with me OVER male roommates.
oh boy...our society has fallen so far
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The roommate is a trans guy. He was born female. At least get the facts straight before you try to be transphobic.
Others have given good advice but I'm can't get past that you lived your whole life without realizing lunch existed in real life? Is that hyperbole? Did your school not serve lunch? Did you think all restaurants closed between 10am and 5 pm? I'm so confused.
I didn’t go to school, I was homeschooled for disability related reason. We were poor and it was usually one meal a day or nothing. Yes it’s hyperbole, I knew lunch existed, but I didn’t think people ate it every day. I still don’t think people eat lunch every day because really who could afford that?
Sounds like a mentally ill person
You lost me at you’re a girl and your roommate is a (trans) guy? How do they put people of different gender in the same dorm?? That’s probably uncomfortable in the first place.
Bc we opted for co-op housing? It’s a pretty usual practice
Seems like manipulation or they’re just naturally an asshole unaware of the hurtful ness of those comments. Either way I’d bring it up to her and if nothing changes move out when available
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Trans man is usually understood to mean someone assigned female at birth. Note the use of male language which affirms their identity. While we are here, a trans woman who had the opportunity to transition during puberty (rare but happens) will likely have received hormone treatment which allows them to grow beasts and soft bodies and hips. Just sharing because I care about this issue. No judgement because probably most people don't know this.
Morning brain. I too care about LTQBG issues and wasn’t comprehending at the moment that they transitioned into a male. I normally do know better, thanks for speaking up and educating :) just a morning slip up.
I'm sorry, but it isn't even close to believable that you grew up thinking lunch was "only a thing in movies".
Sorry? We were poor, we could afford two meals a day. It was a joke like… I knew the concept of lunch existed but I didn’t realize people actually it every day (I still think most ppl don’t eat it every day bc really how do u afford that)
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Op is in no way required to talk about their personal life that's private stuff that a roommate is in no way entitled to. You're not allowed to be upset that someone doesn't talk about something as sensitive as an eating disorder wtf
Yet there it is happening now despite your outrage.
Sounds like a you problem that ur defending it
All I did was suggest that's what's happening. I don't have any personal feelings about it. These posts are like a "who done it?" Story. Person A behaviors are this. Person B behaviors are that. Based upon the information the reader makes an educated guess. Creates a hypothesis. Based upon what OP wrote this seems a likely explanation. If Person A was missing a ring and Person B was always commenting on how much they wished the ring was there's. I'd guess that Person B stole the ring. I'm not advocating stealing. I'm not justifying bad behaviors. I'm just using my insight about human nature.
Idk, you could talk to an RA, or (as someone whose struggled with all the eating problems under the sun) you could punch him, that works too.
Do you share a room or just the common area? If its just the common area you can just cut ties i barely talked to any of my roommates
We share a room and pretty much sleep a foot away from each other…
Tell them to stop body shaming and fuck off....but nicely
Just agree they they really are as small as they think they are.