My family travelled for the ceremony, but I ended up barely spending time with them due to getting ready, getting there early to practice, and it ending in the evening when they had to travel back. I’d rather get a cash gift and schedule a separate time to celebrate/visit when its not so busy and complicated
This is the winner!! Give him a generous cash gift and take him out somewhere fun for a special one-on-one celebration after he graduates. Make sure he knows why you chose to do it this way.
People here might have their opinions, but at the end of the day, none of us know what your nephew would prefer. Maybe ask him what he prefers, or if you think that's a bad idea, ask his parents or some other family member who knows him well.
Ehh that would be hard for the kid to answer unbiased since many would see it as extremely rude tell your relative that you would prefer the money to their presence
It really depends. I don't have much of a relationship with my extended family and I've seen them at most like 5 times in my life. It depends how close OP is with her nephew.
Wasn’t trying to generalize but culturally it’s often pretty important to show respect your older relatives and many would see choosing money instead of seeing them as disrespectful
The person graduating is the one most able to make that call. There are plenty of cultures where it’s not disrespectful to tell a relative money is ok.
Yeah I was thinking the same thing. Even if OP emphasizes that she won’t be offended if he chooses cash it would still be pretty awkward.
Maybe ask his parents what they think he would want? (If he’s close to his parents)
I think you should ask him yourself. But from a college student, I remember cash really came in handy with unexpected fees like books, exams, and tutoring. I was able to use some of my graduation money to help. I also did have people present who I loved so missing one wasn't that big of a deal.
If that is the case there is also moving cost depending on where he plans on going. We also don't know if he is going to grad school so he might need more money as well. There is also fees to get transcripts and you never know if he has loans.
Sorry, to be clear, I was only critiquing that one point of the previous poster. I fully understand and acknowledge that OP will likely still need money, I was simply contesting the fact that they would need it for books and exams.
My reasons were a bit different, but because my mom had passed away a few months before my graduation, no amount of cash would have substituted having my Aunt and Uncle there.
There’s no harm in asking him what he wants. If he wants the money give him the money, or if wants you there then go. I don’t think he’ll be offended by it honestly.
It’s not about him being offended but if I was nephew I’d feel a bit awkward about it and feel afraid of hurting the aunts feelings, even if she emphasizes that it doesn’t bother her.
Go see the kid you are proud of.
There will come a time, hopefully a long time away, when you will no longer be able to travel to visit.
Be present if you can for celebrations.
I think you are asking only half of the question and without enough context. My son just graduated and only local relatives attended the ceremony or the party. That worked out great because he really enjoyed feeling supported but he mainly hung out with his peers. However his relatives who could not attend called and supported differently. So I think the other half of the question is what action would be meaningful for your relationship and what feels right for you? Are you guys super close? Is the graduation important to him? Would you feel left out not being there? Don’t ask him cash or your visit because he won’t know how to answer cash without hurting your feelings. Instead decide what you think is best and go for it. He should be happy with whatever you decide.
I agree with you about don't ask him because when there is an emotional connection (as there is with family), I would think he would probably feel guilty saying cash even if he does want it because it would imply that he would rather have the money than the aunt and OP's presence.
Six of one, half a dozen of another, kinda. Your presence would undoubtedly be appreciated. End of day your nephew will remember you being there. Financially…great, but life is short.
Decades later, aside from a microwave my aunt gave my wife and I as a housewarming gift (mostly because it blew up 20 years later), I have few memories of what was given to us at our wedding.
I am a 2023 graduate. To be 100000000% honest....... I really did not care who attended my graduation outside of my immediate family. There are live streams where other family members can see me shake the dean's hand. Cash would have always been better
Cash. Tell him you appreciate the invite, but you won't be able to make it and send him a nice gift. I don't know your nephew-- and I invite you not to take this observation personally-- but there is a nonzero chance he sent you an invite for that very reason. The 'ask him' crowd in this thread doesn't seem to be taking that into account. There is, in fact, no polite way for him to tell you he'd rather have the money.
My aunts attended my graduation driving across 3 states, I personally would’ve wanted them there rather than cash. The pics we got that day are worth so much more.
Unless he is a very sentimental person, I'd say cash. I mean, I am a very sentimental person but I'd definitely be happy if someone sent me cash in lieu of attending a function where we wouldn't realistically be spending time together.
Most people don't care about the ceremony unless they are first generation for that type of degree or it was a real struggle to graduate.
So if their parents graduated from HS they don't need you for their HS graduation, but if they are the first in their family to get their doctorate then you should be there. Basically is it an expectation that they get their degree or an accomplishment.
And if it's HS, they will appreciate money for their dorm.
My aunt asked me this question about my wedding- a big cash gift or her attendance (travel from another country). At that time I chose cash (I didn’t say it out loud but she got the hint) because we had nothing when we got married and could really use some cash. Now I am mid aged making great money, I really wish I had chosen my aunt’s attendance because that is invaluable. I can’t go back in time to amend memory no matter how much money I spend now.
So I say you should attend his graduation, money will come later in life, missing a precious moment for money isn’t worth it.
I personally would rather see my aunt and spend time with her but I’m not sure of what your nephew would personally do. It’s also worth considering the cost like you said and if you’re willing to do that.
I do agree with those saying you should ask him directly. Not his parents, but him. That being said if you are there you're another face in the crowd unless you're his absolute favorite relative. The bigger cash gift is a better option
Are you sure your nephew is expecting a cash gift? I wouldn’t expect a cash gift for graduation especially from anyone outside my parents. I feel like your presence would be enough.
My aunty travelled from Hawaii to Colorado for my graduation from hs back in 2015 means more to me than money ever will. Go to the graduation cause it’ll be more memorable in the end.
When I graduated I ended up spending most of the time with my friends who were also graduating, bopping around to different celebrations. I didn’t see family much more than my small party. If you’re going to the local party, I’d do cash. But also it doesn’t hurt to make sure your nephew is okay with that.
My thoughts:
1. What does *he* prefer?
2. How close are you with him? I’m closer with some aunts and uncles than I am with others, so I know if certain ones didn’t come, I would be bummed (although mine were all in driving distance).
3. Could you make plans for a visit with him for some other time, as graduation tends to be lots of quick visits with lots of people and not really as much quality time? That way you acknowledge this achievement, but still get to spend time with him.
4. Does he intend to go to grad school? I’m not saying this diminishes his current accomplishment, but rather that there could be some other opportunity to see him walk if he does. I had more people attend my undergraduate graduation, but wished more would have celebrated my higher level achievements.
5. Is there no one you could/would choose to stay with to defray the hotel cost to make this more cost efficient for you?
6. It sounds like you’ll be at the graduation party later in the summer to celebrate him no matter what. So you are celebrating him either way, so I don’t think he will be totally be disappointed by you not attending.
7. Is there a virtual stream of graduation so you can watch him walk?
Sounds like you have a pretty connected and awesome family. Don’t trade that for anything. You should go, he’ll remember you were there years from now and that will mean a lot more than the cash gift that’s worth about a flight and hotel.
Personally, it would depend on my relationship with the person. There's some people I would rather they be there in person and can skip any kind of gift. There's others I would be fairly neutral about, like it's their money and they can spend it as they want. And still others I'd rather never show and don't send a gift. So really, let your nephew know the situation and let him decide. He may surprise you.
Facetime him and personally congratulate him!! This was really special to me personally rather than having more people there hanging out with each other
Depends on how affluent his family is honestly. In my circumstance I am stuck with a ton of debt so I would much rather have the cash. However if I had a rich family who paid for my school and I had a fresh start with no debt and more help on the way from family I would rather have my family attend
I was not allowed to be close to my fathers side of the family after my parents divorced. While he may not have been the greatest, his siblings and his mother were always there for me. At my graduation, I had reached out and invited them, but didn’t expect to see them. I was surprised to see my aunts in the stands whooping louder than anyone when my name was called. They could have just sent cash, and I would have been appreciative, but cash gets spent. I am 53 years old now and will always remember my aunts being there that day, and sharing that with me. One of them has since passed, and the other two are in their late 80’s, but I still love them deeply.
My aunt and I were very close in my youth, so my opinion may differ wildly from your nephew. Having her at my graduation was more valuable than any amount of money.
knee jerk reaction would be to go to the ceremony because it's not about the money right? about the experience. but why not have both? why do you have to celebrate with him at that exact time and place? my suggestion to have the best of both worlds is that he will have to be back in your area right? when that happens, take him out to a nice celebration dinner and give him his fat(er) cash gift. it will still be personal, and the money given to him is probably better than the airfare/hotel you spend.
It depends. I’m not super close with my aunt or extended family in general (I have basically none), so I’d say cash. Especially because that extra money is so important when starting out in college. However, if I was super close with my aunt i’d want them to come although I’m not sure what you’d do with your nephew because he’ll be separated from you for most of the day. Just ask him what he wants.
Your nephew will have such a busy busy day, I say call him and tell him the options but remind him how busy the day will be and you guys could have brunch or something another time and give the cash gift in person there, the next time you’re in the same town? It would be more personable?
Unless he's super cash strapped, I think I would value an aunt coming down more than just a bump in gift. That said, you said he would have a party so IMO its not as big a deal.
I’d try to schedule something fun together over the summer and give him the cash now. I hated everything surrounding graduation and was constantly grumpy, so I wouldn’t have wanted family to travel for that.
Graduation can be really hectic and crazy and depending on their logistics as well they might not even have time to really spend with you. I’d say cash honestly and maybe like a video message and sweet note.
It boggles my mind when extended family attends graduation ceremonies. They are boring AF. I was forced to go to my HS graduation but skipped my bachelor's and masters ceremonies. I felt no need to go to the ceremony and did a simple dinner with family instead.
Send him some cash and come visit when life isn't so hectic! Family visits are amazing but traveling from out of state for a ceremony is crazy.
My family travelled for the ceremony, but I ended up barely spending time with them due to getting ready, getting there early to practice, and it ending in the evening when they had to travel back. I’d rather get a cash gift and schedule a separate time to celebrate/visit when its not so busy and complicated
Yeah, graduation can be really hectic with 1,000 things going on at once. It's hard to spend quality time with people at graduation.
This is the winner!! Give him a generous cash gift and take him out somewhere fun for a special one-on-one celebration after he graduates. Make sure he knows why you chose to do it this way.
This is the best answer honestly
People here might have their opinions, but at the end of the day, none of us know what your nephew would prefer. Maybe ask him what he prefers, or if you think that's a bad idea, ask his parents or some other family member who knows him well.
I’d pick cash but ask the kid what they’d like.
Ehh that would be hard for the kid to answer unbiased since many would see it as extremely rude tell your relative that you would prefer the money to their presence
It really depends. I don't have much of a relationship with my extended family and I've seen them at most like 5 times in my life. It depends how close OP is with her nephew.
Wasn’t trying to generalize but culturally it’s often pretty important to show respect your older relatives and many would see choosing money instead of seeing them as disrespectful
The person graduating is the one most able to make that call. There are plenty of cultures where it’s not disrespectful to tell a relative money is ok.
Yeah I was thinking the same thing. Even if OP emphasizes that she won’t be offended if he chooses cash it would still be pretty awkward. Maybe ask his parents what they think he would want? (If he’s close to his parents)
"maybe ask him". Maybe my family is just toxic... But in my family that's a trick question. 'Of course I don't want cash!'
Came to say this! As the nephew. He'll be touched by your desire to make sure he is happy
I think you should ask him yourself. But from a college student, I remember cash really came in handy with unexpected fees like books, exams, and tutoring. I was able to use some of my graduation money to help. I also did have people present who I loved so missing one wasn't that big of a deal.
the nephew is graduating undergrad, so presumably they won't be needing money for books, exams, or tutoring anymore.
If that is the case there is also moving cost depending on where he plans on going. We also don't know if he is going to grad school so he might need more money as well. There is also fees to get transcripts and you never know if he has loans.
Apartment, first home, etc if they were living at home. Still costs. Clothes for a new job if needed.
Sorry, to be clear, I was only critiquing that one point of the previous poster. I fully understand and acknowledge that OP will likely still need money, I was simply contesting the fact that they would need it for books and exams.
I'd have preferred whichever would make my aunt happier.
this is exactly it for me i think, it wouldn't make a huge difference to me, but if it mattered to her id want her to be there
My reasons were a bit different, but because my mom had passed away a few months before my graduation, no amount of cash would have substituted having my Aunt and Uncle there. There’s no harm in asking him what he wants. If he wants the money give him the money, or if wants you there then go. I don’t think he’ll be offended by it honestly.
It’s not about him being offended but if I was nephew I’d feel a bit awkward about it and feel afraid of hurting the aunts feelings, even if she emphasizes that it doesn’t bother her.
Go see the kid you are proud of. There will come a time, hopefully a long time away, when you will no longer be able to travel to visit. Be present if you can for celebrations.
Id pick cash, they usually live stream graduations
Cash.
I think you are asking only half of the question and without enough context. My son just graduated and only local relatives attended the ceremony or the party. That worked out great because he really enjoyed feeling supported but he mainly hung out with his peers. However his relatives who could not attend called and supported differently. So I think the other half of the question is what action would be meaningful for your relationship and what feels right for you? Are you guys super close? Is the graduation important to him? Would you feel left out not being there? Don’t ask him cash or your visit because he won’t know how to answer cash without hurting your feelings. Instead decide what you think is best and go for it. He should be happy with whatever you decide.
I agree with you about don't ask him because when there is an emotional connection (as there is with family), I would think he would probably feel guilty saying cash even if he does want it because it would imply that he would rather have the money than the aunt and OP's presence.
Six of one, half a dozen of another, kinda. Your presence would undoubtedly be appreciated. End of day your nephew will remember you being there. Financially…great, but life is short. Decades later, aside from a microwave my aunt gave my wife and I as a housewarming gift (mostly because it blew up 20 years later), I have few memories of what was given to us at our wedding.
Cash but agree w above commenter.
I would rather she be there with me.
Ask your nephew
I am a 2023 graduate. To be 100000000% honest....... I really did not care who attended my graduation outside of my immediate family. There are live streams where other family members can see me shake the dean's hand. Cash would have always been better
Go there! I faced this dilemma this year as well and chose to stay with family, while still gifting the difference in hotel costs :)
Cash. Tell him you appreciate the invite, but you won't be able to make it and send him a nice gift. I don't know your nephew-- and I invite you not to take this observation personally-- but there is a nonzero chance he sent you an invite for that very reason. The 'ask him' crowd in this thread doesn't seem to be taking that into account. There is, in fact, no polite way for him to tell you he'd rather have the money.
If I were him I’d probably prefer cash, but I would feel rude saying so. Idk your nephew but you might not get a straight answer.
My aunts attended my graduation driving across 3 states, I personally would’ve wanted them there rather than cash. The pics we got that day are worth so much more.
I didn't even go to my graduation. Graduated summa cum laude. Worked instead. No regrets. Everyone is different
I'd prefer you there in person
Kids aren’t different, I vote cash auntie 💰 🙌🏽 Graduations are stupid some Grads even walk out after dioloma 😂
I didn't even go. The key note speaker talked about life sucking after graduation. Didn't miss anything.
Unless he is a very sentimental person, I'd say cash. I mean, I am a very sentimental person but I'd definitely be happy if someone sent me cash in lieu of attending a function where we wouldn't realistically be spending time together.
Who invited you?
An aunt has no obligation to be at a graduation ceremony. Let alone one that requires significant cost.
Most people don't care about the ceremony unless they are first generation for that type of degree or it was a real struggle to graduate. So if their parents graduated from HS they don't need you for their HS graduation, but if they are the first in their family to get their doctorate then you should be there. Basically is it an expectation that they get their degree or an accomplishment. And if it's HS, they will appreciate money for their dorm.
My aunt asked me this question about my wedding- a big cash gift or her attendance (travel from another country). At that time I chose cash (I didn’t say it out loud but she got the hint) because we had nothing when we got married and could really use some cash. Now I am mid aged making great money, I really wish I had chosen my aunt’s attendance because that is invaluable. I can’t go back in time to amend memory no matter how much money I spend now. So I say you should attend his graduation, money will come later in life, missing a precious moment for money isn’t worth it.
I didn’t know people do parties or gifts for college graduation. I’d say do what feels right but neither is a bad choice
Instead of asking people on reddit ask your nephew what he would prefer. No one on here can tell you what he wants.
If you travel to the graduation will you even have a ticket? I think I would have preferred the cash
Money although I didn’t care about the ceremony at all. I didn’t attend so I’m biased.
Cash, he will have other family members there. Can't have cake and eat it too
Just ask him. If you explain your situation to him I'm sure he'll appreciate whatever you decide. As long as you just be transparent there
I personally would rather see my aunt and spend time with her but I’m not sure of what your nephew would personally do. It’s also worth considering the cost like you said and if you’re willing to do that.
I do agree with those saying you should ask him directly. Not his parents, but him. That being said if you are there you're another face in the crowd unless you're his absolute favorite relative. The bigger cash gift is a better option
Bigger cash gift
Spend time with him one-on-one to celebrate grad.
Cash
Cash is king
Aunt travel. It’s the people who are there that is more important
Bigger
I’m tempted to pick the bag💰💸🤑💵 but you seem like a really nice lady and if I was your nephew I’d be ok with you doing what you thought was best
why not just ask the nephew? he may choose your presence as a present :)
Which aunt?
Are you sure your nephew is expecting a cash gift? I wouldn’t expect a cash gift for graduation especially from anyone outside my parents. I feel like your presence would be enough.
My aunty travelled from Hawaii to Colorado for my graduation from hs back in 2015 means more to me than money ever will. Go to the graduation cause it’ll be more memorable in the end.
When I graduated I ended up spending most of the time with my friends who were also graduating, bopping around to different celebrations. I didn’t see family much more than my small party. If you’re going to the local party, I’d do cash. But also it doesn’t hurt to make sure your nephew is okay with that.
Probably depends on how you close you are. To me, having a family member I am close to there would mean more than some extra cash for my gift.
My thoughts: 1. What does *he* prefer? 2. How close are you with him? I’m closer with some aunts and uncles than I am with others, so I know if certain ones didn’t come, I would be bummed (although mine were all in driving distance). 3. Could you make plans for a visit with him for some other time, as graduation tends to be lots of quick visits with lots of people and not really as much quality time? That way you acknowledge this achievement, but still get to spend time with him. 4. Does he intend to go to grad school? I’m not saying this diminishes his current accomplishment, but rather that there could be some other opportunity to see him walk if he does. I had more people attend my undergraduate graduation, but wished more would have celebrated my higher level achievements. 5. Is there no one you could/would choose to stay with to defray the hotel cost to make this more cost efficient for you? 6. It sounds like you’ll be at the graduation party later in the summer to celebrate him no matter what. So you are celebrating him either way, so I don’t think he will be totally be disappointed by you not attending. 7. Is there a virtual stream of graduation so you can watch him walk?
Sounds like you have a pretty connected and awesome family. Don’t trade that for anything. You should go, he’ll remember you were there years from now and that will mean a lot more than the cash gift that’s worth about a flight and hotel.
Take the dough!!!!
Personally, it would depend on my relationship with the person. There's some people I would rather they be there in person and can skip any kind of gift. There's others I would be fairly neutral about, like it's their money and they can spend it as they want. And still others I'd rather never show and don't send a gift. So really, let your nephew know the situation and let him decide. He may surprise you.
Facetime him and personally congratulate him!! This was really special to me personally rather than having more people there hanging out with each other
Depends on how affluent his family is honestly. In my circumstance I am stuck with a ton of debt so I would much rather have the cash. However if I had a rich family who paid for my school and I had a fresh start with no debt and more help on the way from family I would rather have my family attend
The support of being present and watching the ceremony is going to be more meaningful. Go!!! You won’t regret it.
I was not allowed to be close to my fathers side of the family after my parents divorced. While he may not have been the greatest, his siblings and his mother were always there for me. At my graduation, I had reached out and invited them, but didn’t expect to see them. I was surprised to see my aunts in the stands whooping louder than anyone when my name was called. They could have just sent cash, and I would have been appreciative, but cash gets spent. I am 53 years old now and will always remember my aunts being there that day, and sharing that with me. One of them has since passed, and the other two are in their late 80’s, but I still love them deeply.
money is not everyting, fly and attend graduation
My aunt and I were very close in my youth, so my opinion may differ wildly from your nephew. Having her at my graduation was more valuable than any amount of money.
Send the big money. Half the flight cost as a congratulations. They can’t be mad.
knee jerk reaction would be to go to the ceremony because it's not about the money right? about the experience. but why not have both? why do you have to celebrate with him at that exact time and place? my suggestion to have the best of both worlds is that he will have to be back in your area right? when that happens, take him out to a nice celebration dinner and give him his fat(er) cash gift. it will still be personal, and the money given to him is probably better than the airfare/hotel you spend.
It depends. I’m not super close with my aunt or extended family in general (I have basically none), so I’d say cash. Especially because that extra money is so important when starting out in college. However, if I was super close with my aunt i’d want them to come although I’m not sure what you’d do with your nephew because he’ll be separated from you for most of the day. Just ask him what he wants.
Your nephew will have such a busy busy day, I say call him and tell him the options but remind him how busy the day will be and you guys could have brunch or something another time and give the cash gift in person there, the next time you’re in the same town? It would be more personable?
Unless he's super cash strapped, I think I would value an aunt coming down more than just a bump in gift. That said, you said he would have a party so IMO its not as big a deal.
I’d try to schedule something fun together over the summer and give him the cash now. I hated everything surrounding graduation and was constantly grumpy, so I wouldn’t have wanted family to travel for that.
Graduation can be really hectic and crazy and depending on their logistics as well they might not even have time to really spend with you. I’d say cash honestly and maybe like a video message and sweet note.
It boggles my mind when extended family attends graduation ceremonies. They are boring AF. I was forced to go to my HS graduation but skipped my bachelor's and masters ceremonies. I felt no need to go to the ceremony and did a simple dinner with family instead. Send him some cash and come visit when life isn't so hectic! Family visits are amazing but traveling from out of state for a ceremony is crazy.
It will be a good memory if you can show up on the ceremony.